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STEP 5 – SUPPLEMENTAL MATERIAL:

VALUES & RELATIONSHIPS

Some research has suggested that values congruency is an important indi-
cator for satisfaction in relationships. Does that mean that only relationships
with similar values are healthy, satisfied ones? No. But is does highlight our
natural tendency to evaluate more positively others who share our values.

What implications does this have for relationships?

Many resources are available to help develop and maintain healthy rela-
tionships; they need not be repeated here. This supplement is intended to
highlight a few values-based strategies that have relevance for relationships.

• Birds of a Feather or Opposites Attract?

• Building Social Confidence

• Managing Relationship Intensity

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 Values & Relationships

BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

First, it is important to appreciate those in our lives with similar

values as a way to naturally connect and converse about things of
equal importance.

Second, it underscores the critical importance of empathy and respect

with those who have differing values.

One factor that We can have satisfying relationships with others who hold differing values
has been an if we take the time to understand and respect their points of view. If we are
important indicator in a relationship with someone who has different values but we feel that
of attraction is the person is genuinely interested and respects our perspective, then we
having someone tend to be satisfied. In fact, one factor that has been an important indicator
truly engaged with of attraction is having someone truly engaged with us and trying to under-
us and trying to stand us. Conversely, as mentioned earlier, if we feel that we are constantly
understand us. on trial to defend what we value, we tend to be stressed in that relationship.

It is important, then, to take the time to understand and develop a respect

for a person’s values. The Life Values Inventory can be helpful in clarifying
a partner’s values and developing a true sense of respect through meaningful
discussions about the survey’s results.

It can be helpful to understand:

• The influences that have shaped their current values;

• How they express their values;
• How their values cause fulfillment in their lives;
• How their values cause stress;
• How their environment affects their values;
• What changes are occurring internally or externally that may
be impacting their values for the future.

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Values & Relationships › Birds of a Feather or Opposites Attract?

It can be often be helpful for couples to discuss their values by taking the
Life Values Inventory for themselves, estimating their partner’s values, and
then comparing how well their estimations align with their partner’s actual
values profile. This comparing of partners’ own values, and the perceptions
each partner holds of the other’s values, helps the couple set the stage for
resolving conflicts that can emerge in their relationship.

VALUES CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS

In some instances, one or both partners do not have essen-

tial communication skills or conflict management skills,
and they will need help developing them. This may be
particularly true of people who have Belonging as one of
their primary values because they may avoid conflict to
enhance the likelihood that they will be accepted.

Couples who have conflicting values (e.g., Independence

versus Belonging) will also need to develop acceptable
levels of compromise.

People who highly value Independence need “space” and

may feel stifled if they have to explain every decision and
action to their partner.

Conversely, those who value Belonging or Interdependence

may feel that, when they are not included in all aspects of
their partner’s life, their partner is rejecting or distancing
from them. Both partners should communicate their
concerns and develop strategies that will result in a mutu-
ally acceptable expression of values for both.

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Values & Relationships › Birds of a Feather or Opposites Attract?

In addition to mutual understanding of values, there are two other areas

where values can help in developing and managing relationships:

• Developing confidence in one’s social skills

• Keeping relationships in a healthy perspective

Developing healthy relationships requires a balance of confidence, engage-

ment, expression, and perspective. When we get in our own way it is usually
because we are insecure and lack the confidence or hope that we will be
successful; or because we are in a need-state of intensity and are perceiving
relationships in an unhealthy manner.

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Values & Relationships

BUILDING SOCIAL CONFIDENCE

To address issues of insecurity or lack of confidence, we need to recognize
a couple of key components in building social confidence.

Personal characteristics, preferences, and emotional mood are not critical

factors in relating. They may affect how we relate or how comfortable we
feel when we’re relating, but they do not warrant the power we sometimes
give to them. We may be shy, extroverted, introverted, sad, happy, relaxed,
or anxious, and we are still capable of relating. We tend to place excessive
importance on how comfortable or natural we feel when relating to gauge
whether we are socially skilled.

There are a few basic strategies that can facilitate our social confidence and
can be managed no matter how experienced we are with relationships, what
our personality or preferences are, or what mood we’re in at the time.

Four strategies to facilitate our social confidence:

• Preparation

• Active curiosity

• Swing the bat

• Focus on relating, not the relationship

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STRATEGIES TO FACILITATE OUR SOCIAL CONFIDENCE (CONT.)

Preparation › PREPARATION
Active Curiosity We need to clarify our interpersonal goals as they relate to our values.
Swing the Bat What is the right amount of time and energy to devote to relating given
Focus on Relating, the context of other important goals? There are periods when we will decide
Not the Relationship that interpersonal goals are a high priority and other times when our values
commit our time elsewhere.

We must be respectful of the internal “shoulds” that our values

are creating and give less attention to the “shoulds” from others.

Once we have decided that we want to devote time to relationships, we

need to clarify the type of relating we want to do and in what context. From
there, we prepare by reflecting and preparing how we would like to relate
in the upcoming situation and how congruent it is with our natural style.

For instance, people who are more extroverted may feel completely comfort-
able and natural going to a large party and not feel they need to prepare
for that form of interacting.

We are most Introverts may feel less comfortable in that same social situation and can
authentic when we prepare by thinking of the context of the social situation, the possible
are being expressive, interests of the people who will be there, and several things they would like
and preparation can to talk about that may be congruent with that social context. They may
sometimes allow us to be want to familiarize themselves with current events for the day so that small
more expressive, rather talk can relate to things going on in the local community or in the world.
than self-evaluative and They may also decide to spend more time at the party with people they
self-conscious. know better.

Many people who normally have no problem preparing for tests, work
projects, or athletic/artistic performances may not do the work of preparing
for a social interaction in the assumption that they are not being genuine.
But we are most authentic when we are being expressive, and preparation
can sometimes allow us to be more expressive, rather than self-evaluative
and self-conscious. The important thing is not to be self-critical if we
decide to prepare or be strategic about an upcoming social situation that
doesn’t feel completely natural and comfortable.

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 Values & Relationships › Building Social Confidence

STRATEGIES TO FACILITATE OUR SOCIAL CONFIDENCE (CONT.)

Preparation › ACTIVE CURIOSITY

Active Curiosity One factor that is highly conducive of relationship development is empathy,
Swing the Bat understanding and respecting another’s frame of reference. Fortunately,
Focus on Relating, we can develop and foster empathy by choosing to be actively curious.
Not the Relationship When we choose to be curious about someone, we are focused more on
them, which means we are less focused on ourselves and how we’re being
evaluated. If you are truly listening with curiosity, there will always be
something to talk about. And having someone truly interested and curious
about us and what we’re saying is attractive to others.

When feeling stuck for something to say, just ask yourself,

“What am I curious about with this person?”

You can then continue to branch your discussion from there. Interestingly,
the more curious you are of others, the more curious they become about
you. Being curious also helps calm our anxiety. We become anxious when
we are very self-focused and worried about how we’re being perceived.
If we’re actively curious about someone else, we can’t be focused on ourselves
at the same time.

› SWING THE BAT

Most of our anxiety associated with relating to others is the fear of getting
hurt, which heightens our fear of failure and causes us to play it safe by
being passive and waiting for secure relationships to find their way to us.
However, this keeps us from developing confidence through experience.
It’s analogous to wanting to get a hit in baseball but refusing to get out of
the dugout for fear of striking out. In terms of success rate, relationships
are not too different from getting a hit in baseball. In baseball, you’re a great
hitter if you are getting a hit 30 percent of the time. Many factors beyond
your control determine whether you will get a hit. Similarly, many factors
beyond your control will determine whether a relationship will work. You
may do everything right interpersonally and a connection doesn’t happen
because of the other person’s readiness, preferences, values, assumptions,
personal baggage, fears, etc.

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 Values & Relationships › Building Social Confidence

STRATEGIES TO FACILITATE OUR SOCIAL CONFIDENCE (CONT.)

Preparation To have successful relationships you must symbolically be willing to get

Active Curiosity out of the dugout and commit to swinging the bat. You may get hurt and
Swing the Bat embarrassed, but the only chance of getting a hit is to swing the bat. Every
Focus on Relating, time you swing the bat, you learn a little more about pitches, the cues that
Not the Relationship tell you more about the pitches to hit, and gain skill and talent by reflecting
and learning from the experience. If you accept the possibility of getting
hurt, trust in your ability to take care of yourself as you recover from
being hurt, then you will fear hurt less and be able to focus on the thing
of most importance: relating. Commit to relating curiously and respectfully.
If someone is shy, this commitment can start slowly by choosing to make
eye contact with people, choosing to say hi, choosing to ask people about
their day, or choosing to stay curious when relating.

› FOCUS ON RELATING, NOT THE RELATIONSHIP

The most important perspective when developing social confidence is to
focus on relating, not the relationship. By focusing on relating, you are
staying completely focused on the process within your control. When you
begin focusing on the relationship, you
will be over-sensitive to factors that are By focusing on
beyond your control, which results in relating, you are
over-analysis of behavior and heightened staying completely
anxiety. This is very difficult when you focused on the process
reach a point of closeness and you genu- within your control.
inely care about the other person. Once
you’ve crossed that threshold of caring, the relationship becomes naturally
scary because you have now allowed for the possibility of being hurt. Rather
than taking that fear and looking for reassurance that you will be safe, it’s
better to go back to the original perspective – hurt may be possible but the
process of relating is more important.

Focusing on the relationship pulls us too much into the future,

increases worry, and reduces our enjoyment of the present.

The optimal perspective is to relate in the present with the faith that things
will evolve.

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Values & Relationships

MANAGING RELATIONSHIP INTENSITY

On the other end of the spectrum from developing social confidence are
the people who may be socially skilled but have patterns of failed relation-
ships due to excessive neediness.

This “high maintenance” quality usually results from values

drifting into a need state due to an over-investment of one’s
self-worth in relationships.

Many life experiences can foster this sense of neediness, but the result is
usually the same:

• Over-controlling behavior
• Constant need for reassurance
• High intensity that eventually strains relationships

If a relationship is life-critical, then the need to control everything that goes

into that relationship will also be critical. The fear of failure is acute because
the relationship is no longer a “want to” but a “have to,” which increases
intensity. This behavior all stems from the knowledge that relationships are
outcomes that we don’t completely control. If an outcome is a need and
we don’t completely control it, our fear of losing it is overwhelming.

To work (and it is work) through this issue, we must understand

the factors that have contributed to this need and begin the
process of redefining one’s success and self-worth by the expres-
sion of values-congruent behavior, not the results that may or
may not come from it.

We must see relationships as “life-enhancing want to’s,” not “life-critical

have to’s.” This is not an easy task but one that can be accomplished with
hard work and support.

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Values & Relationships › Managing Relationship Intensity

This perspective can be facilitated by clarifying purpose and pleasure. It

can be helpful to ask yourself, “What is the purpose of relating right now?”

• If the answer is values-based, that there is authentic meaning in just

the process of relating, then you need to trust that purpose and
engage in the process. If the outcome of that relating turns out to be
satisfying and fulfilling, then you should certainly enjoy the pleasure
of that outcome.

• However, if the purpose of relating is to get the outcome or to win

someone’s approval, then that is a sign that you are over-investing
your self-worth into that outcome, which will paradoxically diminish
your pleasure in it.

Imagine relationships as a dartboard whose outer rings represent relation-

ships that are superficial acquaintances, the inner rings reflect relationships
of increasing meaning, and the center ring reflects those relationships that
are the deepest and most emotionally intimate. There is only so much space
for the most emotionally intimate relationships, and there tend to be few
of those in our life. One key to satisfying relationships is for them to be
congruent with where we want them on our interpersonal dartboard.

Stressful relationships tend to be ones that are not where we want them.
They may be close relationships that we wish were on the outer rings, or
they may be on the outer rings but we wish they were closer. When we
develop our confidence in interpersonal expression, keep ourselves and
our relationships in perspective, and stay committed to the process of
authentic relating, our “darts” (relationships) tend to evolve toward their
most appropriate place on the dartboard.

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Values & Relationships

That being said, there is no getting around the fact that developing rela-
tionships requires courage:

• The courage to relate with curiosity and empathy

• The courage to be committed to self-care
• The courage to keep things in perspective

Many of the principles discussed in this supplement are further detailed in

other Life Values Inventory supplements. Developing an expressive mindset,
moving from an outcome-oriented focus to a process-oriented one, managing
fear of failure, and managing hurt are described in the supplements Optimal
Self-Leadership and Stress & Emotional Management.

SUPPLEMENT NOTE:
This educational supplement is intended to be a brief, practical guide to complement your
results from the Life Values Inventory. The information stems from clinical and research
experience, and professional literature, but is not reflective of all theories and viewpoints
on this subject. We encourage readers to search professional literature and self-help resources
for more expansive information. We also encourage readers who want to make positive
changes in their lives to consider the additional support of a qualified, licensed professional.
Professional support can help provide an objective, honest perspective within a caring,
trusting environment. Fortunately, such support is more widely accepted today and is
viewed as a means toward greater self-sufficiency, resilience, and personal responsibility.

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