The pandemic forced the government to quarantine their citizen inside their home.

Naturally, if
something was forced, it would create various attitudes towards the event. Whether they would
obey or defy, trust or distrust, restrain or let it loose. Through this entire attitude, I chose to
follow what the authority had said. I hated difficult things, a disharmony, something that severe
my life serenity and the birth of those copious attitudes were enough to emerge chaos. But then I
realized no matter what choices I chose, those awful things would still be bound to happen. So, I
decided to erase my concern toward the worldly affairs of human right and wrong and started to
settle into my quarantine life.
 
There was heaps of change with the people’s style of lives which copied from the authority’s
recommendation. The authority tried to limit every outside activity which caused the stores to
open later and close more early than their usual time, and for businesses to cut half of their
manpower to work from home. It was not a complete limitation for people to go and work
outside, but while doing so, wearing a face mask, wash hands after had contact with people, and
maintains a distance between people was a must.
 
I was pretty content with the changes in this lifestyle. I literally could do anything without
moving outside, and it was like the dream of the introvert way of life come through. Well,
actually this lifestyle also minimizes the feeling I had felt from waking up in the morning in a
panic, ate my breakfast in a hurry, could not enjoy me-time shower, and had to drive to the office
to work. But all the good things that happen arrive with its limitation, by working at home there
was no line between work and rest which made me work until night but still regarded as
work, not overtime. I thought that was fine with the benefit that I received while thinking that
our world was also in a state of confusion and surviving the pandemic, so helping them a little bit
was not a bad idea. 
 
 
Little did I know, the decision I made wiped the joy I had in my quarantine life.
 
 
      Four months had passed and the pandemic still had no sign reached its finish line. Instead, it
became more malignant. There was an increase in the infected and fatalities, relatives and friends
started to get infected, some of them had not survived, the sound of an ambulance was heard
more often and the mosque that announces the deceased neighbor started to sound more often as
well until it was stopped entirely. I did not know, maybe to not emit panic in the neighborhood.
The graveyard became more and more occupied; no wonder some people had difficulties finding
a place to carries their loved ones to their everlasting home. 
   
   
There was so much happening while here I am doing something that I thought I was fond of and
rather, started to grow tired of it. I spent the rest of my day working, eating, sleeping, listening to
random youtube music playlists with only-play-to-my’s-left-ear earphones, and sometimes
playing games too. I always love to play games but caged in this cycle of a tedious process to
survive and wait for the day to pass, I could not help but succumb to what my soul wanted; lost
in motivation to do anything, even something that I loved the most. It was worse than what it
looks like, truly, how could someone felt tired even when they were not doing anything? I felt
that and what was worse was I could not finish my work like I used to, even when there was a
deadline on it. 
 
I was sitting on my work desk chair. In front of me, there was my laptop that displayed my
unfinished work inquiries, and on the right side of it, there was a picture frame with the picture
of me and my friends in it. I put my hand on my chin with my elbow on the desk. I blew a sigh.
“Sigh… What should I do?”I asked myself as I drown into the deep sea of thought, daydreaming.
“My work is in ruins. If this stays, I will lose all of my clients, receive bad reviews, and of
course, unending scolds from clients and my boss. Argh… this is annoying.”
 
I was heavily burdened and could not help but to put my head down on my laptop’s keyboard. I
looked at my picture frames while slightly raising my hand, tried to grab it but instead, touched it
with my forefinger. I was struck by the wonder of the smiles and laughs my friends and I showed
in the picture.
 
“How could I be so happy in that picture? Hey, can you please tell me now how to get that joy
you showed to me?” said myself with a lazy voice.
 
I could not help it but held a conversation with my picture frames like a guy with a few screw
loose. However, the more I looked at it, the more I wonder about happiness.
 
“What is happiness?”
 
“How do you find one?”
 
Both questions lingered inside my head longer than I expected. 

 I did not know the reason why something continually preoccupied my mind until I realized it
was an obsession; I was obsessed to find the so-called “happiness”. I felt like I regressed to a
body of a child who excitedly tried to explore the outside world. But maybe that was just
curiousity.
 
I called my friends. I asked them about their version of happiness with the thought that I could
learn from them. For me, it was better to learn from their real experience rather than wordy text
on Google. I figured that the answers would be various. 
   
   
           Thanks to their cooperation I could learn some of their ways of happiness. Some said that
it is money, some said it is by buying new things, some said that spend their time doing what
they like, some said that when the things they bought online arrive makes them happy, some
people even said that doing nothing can make them happy.
      
I tried to follow their leads but all to no avail. I did not find happiness in money, money could
indeed bring happiness but when you knew what to do with that. Here I am, carries my paycheck
money without a single clue what to do. I tried to buy a new thing online. I buy a new earphones.
I did not feel anything when bought it, it is just buying something no more, no less. Anyway,
when the earphones arrived, I felt something that I thought was a joy only to found out that was a
relief feeling because the online shop was not a scam. I never tried to doing nothing since it's
absurd and from the looks of it, that action would not make me happy at all.
 
I asked my friend for more suggestions. From sleeping, playing games with friends, workout,
reads a book, watch a film. Still, none of the activities could make me happy. 
 
“Why it is so hard to be happy? If everything that I have done was able to make my friends
happy why it does not work on me?”I asked myself as the heavy feelings accompanied by
anxiety started to grow and overwhelmed me.

“I don’t know anymore,” I said it with a disappointed tone. 

 
It was already eleven in the evening. I decided to clear my thought on the balcony. I grabbed my
smartphone and my new earphones, roll out my bamboo carpet on the balcony floor. I let my
body to fall on the slightly harsh carpet with the position that I could look at the ceiling. I plug in
my earphones to my phones, started to play a song by Bee Gees – How Deep is Your Love

My head was clouded with abundant of thought

I