Lasimaailma

Pia Katri
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma

Prologue .

Welcome
Choose wise
Good bye
No one
could die
more than I End of you - Crystal

Again and again Aleksi stroke through his black hair. Again and again his glance switched way too
slowly between his fingers and the tickling analogous clock on the wall, and on and on and on again
there was this everlasting rest of hope Joonas would finally come back stuck in his mind.
But he wouldn’t come, that was what Aleksi knew. Hope dies last, and it was the hope that drove him
mad for days now.

Joonas Mathieu ‘Matti’ Levonen was missing for six days now. Nothing quite strange here in Finland’s
Capital, since here probably few teenagers day per day disappeared, but there still was something
strange. Joonas would not have been the typical victim. Neither particularly feminine nor fragile he
wound have found it easy to scare a hijacker away. Also, he would actually have never wanted to
chop off from home. And but he now was missing, for six days; and Aleksi in his home, just like every
day.

Actually it’s been a Thursday like every Thursday each three weeks else – at least it should’ve been.
Aleksi and Olavi – a common friend of both Joonas and Aleksi, and also the drummer of their band –
were arranged at five past morning for having a quick rehearsal and afterwards - just like always -
retelling the stories of the past couple of weeks while smoking and drinking some alcohol.

Joonas did never matter much to his parents, due to their constant business travels they were almost
never at home, and so it was kind of a ritual that every Thursday each five weeks – when they had no
school on Wednesday due to their exams week – belonged to the three of them. And but, this time
the Thursday came different. Though Aleksi stood on time in front of the door of the house the
Levonen family lived in, it wasn’t Joonas opening the door but his older brother Julius. He had no
great similarity to his brother, and everything they shared when it came to their resemblance were
the long, blonde hair.

“Oh. It’s you.” Julius shook his head and asked Aleksi with a simple gesture to enter the hall. The
family had its money, and it was visible alone at the furnishings and the house itself. The big rooms,
the high ceilings and the splendid furnishings were pretty much impressive, have always been, and
when Aleksi visited Joonas for the very first time he was kind of intimidated.

“Seems like you’re really glad to see me” Aleksi lifted an eyebrow and took his leatherjacket off, hung

2
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
it up and flattened his shoulder-long, black hair with his fingers.
Julius just shook his head and made a unloaded gesture right before he stroke with his long fingers
thru his hair: “Well, my beloved brother didn’t appear back home today. First I thought it was quite
alright, he could’ve needed longer for his exam or something like that. But that he wrote until four
past morning, that sounds a little incredible, doesn’t it?” he jerked his shoulders and left the hall
without any further word. Left Aleksi alone, alone with his lack of knowledge, and that’s been it.
Joonas did not appear again.

1 .
His Fingers drummed on the table and Aleksi mourned right before he stood up, left Joonas room
and went down the stairs to the living room. Even when he still was on his way downstairs he
noticed Julius sitting on the couch, having the long blonde hair tied stroke on his back, wearing a T-
Shirt of some Goregrind Band. The T-Shirt was hanging strangely wide around his skinny body.
Furthermore he was wearing black jogging trousers, also wide, making him look completely lost into
his wide clothes.
Julius has always been incredibly slim, and because he lost further weight since Joonas was gone his
weight was dangerously low. Seemingly it did not matter to him. He drank seldomly and was unable
to intake food. He always said Joonas would have never mattered to him, but now the things were
seemingly different. It was this emphasized hard shell Julius pretended to have; the shell that broke
when Joonas was torn apart from his life.
Now Julius was nothing but a little pile of misery on the couch; not needing to worry about a hard
shell anymore.

“Julius?”

No movement; and Aleksi took his way to the couch with quick steps, let himself fell down and slid
closer to Julius, taking the short distance between him and the other one. Still no movement, and
even as Aleksi stroke with his fingers gently over Julius’ arm there was nothing but a little nod as a
sign of registration.

“It’s been… six days.” His voice was even rougher and deeper than normally. Aleksi has been a
smoker for more than three years already, but even though his voice has never sounded deeper or
scratchier. He re -took his hand to himself and shook his head before he kept on talking again:
“Which means to us that the police won’t search for him anymore morrow.”

Again no movement; there but still found some words their way over Julius’ Lips: “That means it,
yeh.” The voice was weak, without a tone, and it but was enough. Enough, at least for Aleksi. He
tightened his knees and laid his arms around them, closed his eyes and laid his head on Julius’
shoulders. Both of them used to dislike each other, but now it seemed to both of them that they
were everything they still had, the only shelter in their storms. In the storm they both shared. Well it
was not like no one else cared or worried about Joonas, but they were the only one to which the
whole situation came pretty close.
To Aleksi, the best friend, and Julius, the big brother.

3
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
Sometime later Julius also tightened his legs, laid at least one arm around the knees and lead the
other to his head, stroke again thru his hair. He didn’t even stop as he noticed how Aleksi took a grip
around his hand, pushed his fingers gently between those of Julius, united their hands. It was OK. For
both of them.
And Julius let his hand sink, both of their hands, until he started to smile: “Okei, Okei Aleksi. Now I
feel a little gay somehow.”

A weak smile on the part of Aleksi. And he but didn’t take his hand back to himself, just kept on
holding their hands united, and he opened his eyes again: “Doesn’t really matter, doesn’t it?”
He might have been in right, but it brought Julius to some kind of idea: “By the way, didn’t it ever
matter to you that Joonas was both into girls and into boys? Or didn’t he ever tell?”
He still had his eyes shut, still held Aleksis Hand, it was just a question hanging into the room, worth-
and meaningless somehow, but Aleksi smiled as he replied:

“Everyone here’s a bisexual, I mean… that’s Finland” – “And you take whatever you can get.”, it was a
dry remark of Julius, and Aleksi opened his eyes, started at the switched off TV. Blinked his eyes and
shut them again: “Sounds like if you’re talking from your own experience.”

“Well, no.” Julius shook his head weakly, almost unnoticeable, the body was too weak, not strong
enough for more. His voice, with every word he spoke, became weaker and more silent, and it
seemed like he could’ve fallen asleep each single second.
“I mean like, I’m twenty now. I never had a homosexual relationship with my twenty years, I never
kissed a guy, and well the fact that I don’t have a girlfriend may relate to my laziness.”
“So, you’re kind of the exception.” Aleksi raised his body a little – aware of still holding Julius’ hand –
opened his eyes and eyed the young man under him. He looked way older than twenty, maybe
twenty-four, most likely because he grew optically so old the past days.
He still was incredibly handsome. His big blue eyes were in a perfect harmony with his small, straight
nose and his half-full lips made him look a little feminine. And the femininity but suffered from Julius
passed shaving for a while now. The blonde three-days-old beard was a hard contrast to the person
that was left: skinny, lean and feminine. And it but made him look better somehow.

Aleksi let himself fall back again, closed his eyes and took a breath in. Smiled, as he leaned his body a
little against the other one. No one saw them now, and it would’ve not mattered anymore. There
was only this feeling of nearness they both needed.
Julius took his hand from his knee and grabbed Aleksis one, didn’t made a face, didn’t move any
further, and there was silence, right before Julius started to talk again: “Alluxi, I actually just want my
brother to come back.”, with no real context, just the little sentence, but Aleksi nod, was able to
identify with the statement.

“I mean, it’s somehow hard when a person you’ve been through shitloads of things with, is just…
simply gone. I mean, you’ve seen that I’ve been almost every day at yours. Joonas and I, we were
both inseparable. We did everything together, I mean, I was even with your on your family trip
and…” Aleksi didn’t know anymore what he was exactly talking about but it didn’t matter. Because
there was this voice which was talking, and as long as the voices weren’t faded, well… didn’t that
mean that there was at least this little rest of hope somewhere?´

4
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
“Would you mind switching the TV on?” after Aleksi turned silent without any obvious reason it was
at Julius turn to say something, and again it just used to divert. To divert from what was real.

Aleksi sure did what Julius asked him for, but it didn’t divert in anyway. Joonas case was everywhere.
Possibly not because it was something so unusual and strange, so unusual that a fifteen years old boy
(well… “almost sixteen” he ever said, and indeed, from the date of his disappearance were only 8
days left until his birthday) just didn’t come home after school, well it was more likely the fact WHO
Joonas was. He played several roles in various films, the band from which he was the singer was the
currently most asked and most listened to newcomer-band from the whole Etelä-suomen lääni, Itä-
suomen lääni and the länsi-suomen lääni, the southern, the eastern and the western Finnish
territory.
That’s why the Name Joonas Levonen was a notion, and when exact this Joonas Levonen
disappeared, than this caused quite a lot of attention. Despite that the police would give on
searching the next day. 7 days for a boy was even with some kind of prominence much, and after
both Finland and Sweden were looked-up and searched-through there wasn’t much sense in
searching any further anymore.

Julius let both hands of Aleksi go and rose, with no doubt just to avoid seeing the pictures of his
younger brother in the TV. The pictures where the young boy was so easily to be recognized. Joonas.
His long and blonde hair were hanging right into his face, they always did, both on photos and in
reality. The small lips and the contact-lensed green eyes, the straight and small nose.
The fact that Joonas and Julius looked pretty differently has its cause in the difference of the
mothers. They had not the same. Julius was adopted by Joonas’ mother, and so they were living just
under the same roof. Julius, the “true Finn”, and Joonas, half-French.

Joonas was handsome. The whole family Levonen was made out of a pile of handsome people.
Handsome, rich and goddamned burnt-out. Burnout was on one side pretty normal in Finland, but on
the other side it always had hurt Aleksi to see that Joonas blocked himself day by day, didn’t accept
any help. But with time came resignation, and someday everything became just normal.

Aleksi regularly twitched when he noticed how Julius put an arm on his shoulders, but he didn’t really
wait to be to pulled to the other; but leaned him immediately against the cold body. It was icy
outside, -19° was what the newsman said yesterday and so it was just kind of logical Julius was –
after several days without the intake of food – suffering from hypothermia.
“Maybe I should call a doctor.” he thought loudly and Julius had to smile for the very first time,
though it wasn’t quite visible: “No. No need for that.”

And then there was again silence, both hat their blue eyes fixed onto the screen in front of them, on
the screen where unstoppable Pictures, Videos and reports handling Joonas’ topic were flooding
about the tube.

It were Julius eyes starting to wander around restlessly and they stopped at the neck of Aleksi, at the
necklace Aleksi wore. The Celtic symbol, a round maze with a whole in the middle through which a
thin leather band was.

“It’s Joonas’ necklace, isn’t it?” Julius touched the maze made of iron with his long, cold fingers,
touched Aleksis neck just slightly but it was cold enough to made him shiver before he nod. His voice

5
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
was toneless, and he also touched the maze now slightly. Cold, like everything here, everything all
around them. Night laid its wings long before all over Helsinki and left everything dark. A dark a
coldness making everything look surreal, clammy and surreal.
And Aleksi closed his eyes to escape surreality.

“Ah, and why do you wear it when it’s Joonas’ one?” maybe it was back again, the version which
Julius just always had to Aleksi, from the very first time on, maybe it was back, after everything else
was lost.

“He gave it to me. On the day he disappeared. In the morning I guess it was, before school. He put it
into my hand and said it should make me be lucky. Like the test would be enormous and hard, he …
wrote him the exam week before. That’s what he said, I was expecting nothing else I mean – like why
should’ve I? And he bend it around my neck, it was Joonas himself who did. And well now… I’m
simply not strong enough to retake the necklace. Maybe… well this may sound odd but I have the
feeling whether this necklace still … connects me with him. Little paranoid most likely…” his voice
faded but still was strong enough to be heard, and Julius simply nod, let the maze be and closed his
eyes. Seemed to listen to the news on TV, and it but just weren’t like this, maybe simply just
something like an illusion to divert from the fact that it simply wasn’t… possible.

“He has worn it since he’s twelve. He got it from our father and I… don’t know but I believe in this
necklace mend something to him. Maybe it’s odd to believe that but I think… Joonas was
superstitious. Actually he never left the house without wearing this necklace. Maybe you’ve noticed
that. He’s either worn it around his neck, or around his ankle, or even just in his pocket, it but was
always with him and possibly it just was like… that he felt uncomfortable when… fuck it, Aleksi, you
know what I noticed?”

“What?” Aleksi took his fingers from the maze and hesitated before he stroke with them above the
skinny, pale arm of the older one.

“I never knew my brother” it was just a trace, and Julius sank his head onto his tied-to-body knees.
The silky, blonde hair fell forwards and hung like a curtain around the trembling body. If he cried was
hardly visible, and even though Julius has always been as quick-witted and anti-emotional as his
younger brother, still this was the Julius from 7 days ago, and he but changed a lot.

“I knew his name, where he came from, what kind of music he liked, and who his friends were. And
that’s been just it. Aleksi. I don’t know much more, I simply… don’t know. Was he doing fine, I mean,
his psyche? Was he doing fine, how is he doing now? I’m feeling so retarded, I mean… so fucking
retarded, what If I simply haven’t been the asshole I was? Would he still be there here then? And if
not, maybe… I can’t tell it. Aleksi. Is he dead? I couldn’t ever life without a guilty conscience again.
Aleksi. Tell me, was he that honest Person I …have in my memories?” his voice weary and broken,
and he was nothing but a pile of misery, too weak to cry.

“He was. He was difficult, and he broken, but he was honest. Always” Aleksis hand stopped and he
took it back to him again. Touched the maze of iron slight, swallowed hardly.

“How close were you?” it was an unexpected question and Julius rose his head to look his opposite
right into the eyes. He cried, Julius, and his face was stained by tears. Despite Aleksi didn’t really

6
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
hesitate, and despite Julius surely wanted to look into his eyes he shut them right before he took a
deep breathe in and spoke a silent “quite close.”

Hesitated, and as Julius didn’t reply anymore he started retelling without being asked:
“Joonas was quite sensible, though he didn’t like to admit that. He was just like you I guess. Hard
shell and soft core, just like this. Joonas was somebody to need a person who’d always be with him,
there for him, and maybe you know that I was this person. I always had the time for him, in no
matter of how late it was, where I was, everything. He knew he was always able to count on me, I
knew all his secrets, I knew all sides of his personality he used to hide in shadows so no one would
see, I … can tell you there’s been a lot of them. He was broken, Julius. He was incredibly broken.”

He showed no emotion in his voice, emotion was no longer needed. They were both lying on the
floor, and they both couldn’t pushed even more down in their own gravity. It was over. At least for
the moment.

“How’d you found out he’s bisexual?”

Another dry question, and Aleksi hesitated again. Stroke through his silky, shoulder long hair and
opened his lips just to have his words stuck. It took a while until he replied.

“I guess it was that we were invited to Olavi’s big sisters Birthday and we played there this dumb
game, spin the bottle. Sometime Joonas was asked whether he would kiss me. He answered yes, and
as I asked him later for why he said this I just mend – I believe that it was this way – that I wasn’t
unattractive and that bisexuality would be something quite normal.”

“He did not lie when he said you’re not unhandsome” Julius murmured and as Aleksi opened his eyes
he saw that the other looked away for a long time already: “I mean, you’re handsome. And I bet a lot
of girls envy you for your hair only. I’ve never seen as healthy hairs as yours. Seriously, haven’t you
ever thought about becoming a Model?”

Aleksi was even unable to blush, the situation was way too unreal and he was unable to escape, even
when he closed his eyes. “Thanks” was everything he was able to say, able to push over his lips. And
it were… compliments for his appearance and the way he looked he wanted to hear the littlest right
in this moment. He knew he was handsome, and it just didn’t fit. Nothing did, everything was false
and wrong and Aleksi was unable to control himself, bursted out into tears from one second to
another.

The hand which Julius took from his knees to stroke Aleksi gently over the shoulder missed its goal,
and so Aleksi just leaned his body against his knees while the hot tears left his eyes and Julius tried to
spend him some unreal nearness. Everything was unreal, surreal, and it hurt. His fingers clutched at
his knees and he bit his lower lip in order to not cry out in pain again. It hurt, and was too weak, too
weak to pass this through.

“Joonas was everything for me” he cried, suffocated, and the frail body shook under the convulsions
caused by the heavy crying. Heavily and heavier his fingers clutched into his knees, like to show that
it could even be worse, but the pain wasn’t worse and just showed… that there was this gradual
difference between physical and emotional pain.
“Joonas was… my shelter in storm, do you understand? I could… always, in no matter what I worried

7
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
about… he was always there for me, he helped me somehow, sometimes despite he even couldn’t. I
just can’t imagine it being different, I can’t imagine it, Julius, we broke each other, and we’ve stolen
each other’s nights and now … he’s gone. Just gone. Do you know how it was when I noticed he was
simply gone?” there was some defiance in Aleksis voice and defiance but couldn’t change the fact
that he had to cry out desperately, that tears his perfect face deformed.
“I knew nothing, you knew nothing, no one knew something, for six days know, and each single
motherfucking day kills me. It kills me. I can’t do it anymore. Fuck it, it’s like I couldn’t even breathe
without him. Fuck, it sounds so pathetic. But it is just like it is, to hell, it’s just like this and Julius,
Julius… I don’t want anymore. I don’t want anymore.” Another desperate sob and then he was too
weak. Tears ran dry and he wiped them away with his trembling hand.

Julius sat beneath and only nod. Unable to reply something he just bit his lower lip and stroke
nervously through his hair, stroke it back and just whispered a silent “I don’t know” them, followed
by a “Be careful, Aleksi. Take care. Don’t dare to do something to you. There’s always a way.
Somewhere”

And Aleksi nod despite the fact that he believed in none of Julius’ words. Maybe there was a way
heading forwards, maybe he should follow that way, but he saw no chance anymore, no hope Joonas
would come back, and without him there’d be that hole in his life. This yawning, black whole which
couldn’t be filled anymore. A black nothing. And he’d be always fall back into it. Always be pulled
back into it again.

“Aleksi” the curious, questioning tone – though there was nothing of a happy curiousness but just an
emptiness – that dragging emptiness, and it seemingly did cost Julius some guts to ask the thing he
had In his mind, and he hesitated, stroke through his hair on and on and on again: “You. You and
Joonas. Did you… came physically close to each other?”

“What?” irritated Aleksi blinked, turned to Julius, even though he understood the question
acoustically without any problems. And then it didn’t matter to him anymore, since nothing did still
matter, and he didn’t hesitate before he answered: “Not… exactly.”

Silence. Then Julius cleared his throat and stretched out his legs just to pull Aleksi closer to himself.
And though he expected Aleksi to offer resistance to this gesture Aleksi always started to chill, leaned
firstly against the arm of the couch and then he fell aside, to lean his head onto Julius slowly rising
and sinking chest. He closed his eyes as he started to feel the heartbeat, and he smiled a little.

“How am I able to understand ‘Not… exactly’?” Julius stroke with his right index finger across Aleksis
back: “I’m sorry but I’m interested into that. I’d like to know… more about my brother, d’you
understand? “

“For sure I understand” Aleksis lips were involuntarily decorated by a smile and he touched with one
of his hands Julius’ chest, remained so: “Joonas is a wonderful human being, do you know what? He’s
been it since I know him, despite he’s different to the other, he always wanted to be different. Hard
and … brutal, or something like that. He is so grown up for his age. But when we were alone he was
so incredibly sensitive, I could talk about everything to him, and like I already said, I really know
everything about him. And somewhen… you know: we could tell each other everything, open minded

8
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
and whatever came up to our minds. I know exactly how it was. We were alone at yours, and I sat on
his bed while he was looking up something on a shelf. I didn’t even know how to start. It was – at one
side – incredibly embarrassing, and on the other side I knew Joonas wouldn’t mind. It took me some
time before I finally asked him. I don’t know what I exactly said but it was something like: … I’d like to
know how it is to kiss you. And I know how he immediately started top smile, turned around, came
closer, leaned over me and put a grip on my hip – “ he stopped: “and well do you know, there’s never
been more than this kiss. If I would’ve not asked him that would’ve never happened. That’s why
‘not… exactly.’”

“Did you want more?” maybe Julius’ questions weren’t fitting the situation, not into the emptiness
Joonas caused with his abstinence, and Julius but felt this urge to ask, as if they changed something,
as if they made something better.

“Before or after you kissed?” to Aleksi it didn’t matter, maybe he felt good about it, to talk about
himself, his feeling, his wishes not dealing the topic of how much he missed Joonas.

“Both.”
And Aleksi rose, tried to get the hair out of his face with a single motion but he failed and took his
hand as a help. Stroke the silky, black hair back from his face and smiled, showed his flawless white
teeth. He surely had an incredibly beautiful face: the small but not thin lips with the piercing on the
left lower lip were constantly filled with blood so they looked incredibly red. As if he used Make-up,
but not that surreal. The small, cute nose with the little freckles harmonized perfectly with the silver-
blue eyes and so he was blessed with a kind of cheeky face. Incredibly handsome to make it simple.

“Before the kiss actually not, and afterwards…” he bit his lower lip and pressed his tongue against the
piercing from the inside: “Afterwards I wanted the whole man as much as I never wanted something
before. But it remained a wish and someday I accepted it” He smiled gently, raised one eyebrow and
laid himself back again, the head again on Julius’ chest, and he had to smile: “You wanted Sex with
Joonas?”
“Oh fuck yeah. Badly. Not kidding, I was lying beside him trying to hypnotize him while he slept so he
would wake up, turn round and take me just the way I was. I wanted to feel his goddamn body but
somehow the hypnotizing didn’t work. Well I wanted him for a while, but somewhen it became
better and he was Joonas, my best friend I found fucking hot, but that’s been it.

“How cute.” Julius smirked for the first time in the past days: “How old were you?”

“I’m 16” Aleksi turned around so he laid on his back, and with a practiced motion he seized the
blanket on the arm of the family sofa. Another practiced motion and he had the blanket all over him
and snuggled a little into the material, mourned and shut his eyes: “I’m old enough to have sexual
needs. “
“I never doubted that. Gosh, Joonas been the same as he was a thirteen years old, I wouldn’t be
worrying if you would’ve tell me whether you had already checked out the weirdest positions so eh.
That’s why I asked, I would’ve bet you already had Sex.”
“That’s what is what I intended. But it should’ve simply not been.”
Just an agreeing nod and Julius yawned: “It’s already late, isn’t it?” and without awaiting a reply he
took his cellphone out of his pocket. The accumulator sank rapidly the past days, the energy save

9
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
mode was activated and turned out to be quite difficult to recognize the time into the darkness
which was simply interrupted by the flickering light of the tube.

“four fifty-four in the morning.” He murmured, put the cellphone back and switched the TV off. Again
they were surrounded by darkness, a silence and coldness, and Aleksi probably didn’t even notice is
as he laid there, having his eyes shut and the thin blanket all over his slim body.
“I should try to get some sleep. Didn’t for three days now.”

“Don’t keep yourself apart from this.” Also Aleksi was already almost lost in his dreams as Julius
stroke him again through the hair: “Move, Alluxi. I should charge my cellphone. Just in case.” He nod,
as if he wanted to make his words sure and Aleksi motioned seconds after, pulled the blanket to the
slim body and let Julius stand up, watched him while he rose slowly. Almost twitched when he heard
the sound of Julius’ naked feet touching the floor of stone and watched Julius while he went to the
kitchen, one hand into his pocket where the cellphone was, the other one on and on and on again
stroking through his hair.

Guessed two minutes later he came back, and instead of the cellphone he held an envelope in his
hands. Aleksi just lifted an eyebrow as he noticed it: “What’s that”
“Don’t know. But there’s ‘Julius’ written on it and so I guess it’s for me. Don’t know.” With jerking his
shoulders Julius let himself fall back to the couch and took the envelope in both of his two hands.
Accompanied by the pale moon that came from the kitchen lamp he eyed the envelope, turned it
and eyed it again.

“That’s Joonas style to write”, Aleksi eyed the envelope just before he rose and watched the other
one opening the envelope, pulling out a piece of paper, unfolding it and eyeing the little of lines
written on there. Again and again, it was Joonas accurate style of writing, up and down, the letters
made out of straight lines, and the letters found themselves to groups, building words.

“Don’t worry. I’m gone, but I’ll come back. That’s a promise, and you know my promises. I keep
them. Always.”

Joonas’ signature below; and Aleksis heart took a pause.

“Fuck. Julius, seriously. How long’s the letter already there?”

“I saw it today for the first time” Julius shook his head: “But I wasn’t much in the kitchen the last
days. Might be that it just lay there and I… didn’t recognize it. Bloody hell, why … does he write
something like that? Why doesn’t he write a cause, I mean, it’s so strange, so…” there was more
indignation than everything else in his voice while he put the letter back into the envelope. And he
but felt so much easier. There was hope, there was relief which was making him feel better, it wasn’t
over, it was…

“Does that mean Joonas will come back?” almost too slowly Aleksi stroke back his hair, eyed the
envelop first and then Julius while making huge eyes, looking like a cute kid, but he was just tired and
confused, frightened. There was this fright, this angst to be pulled down any further, to make
illusions which would be going to destroyed again, the angst of being pulled down any further into
this darkness which kept on being around him for days now, around them. He shut his eyes and they
but burned, the tears pouring through the dense eyelashes.

10
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
“I guess it means just that” Joonas moved his dry lips to a gentle smile and grabbed with his hand for
Aleksis. It took a while before he accepted it, bit on the lower lip and leaned forward, the head onto
Julius’ shoulder. Remained, before his free arm found its way around the skinny body of the older
one, pulling it to him.

“Everything will be good again, Aleksi. It’ll be good again.” And Aleksi raised his head, opened his wet
eyes and watched him. Clutched his fingers almost desperately into the back of the other one, and
Julius but didn’t make a face. Just smiled and used his free fingers to stroke through Aleksis hair.
“It’ll be alright.”

Almost foolish how quick they found their hope, but Julius should remain right, it should become
better, at least for the moment. No one was talking about the future since everyone fears it, and
they possibly were all right. It was so much easier to look back than to frighten of something that’s
still in front of one’s way. Future is now! Just to divert from each single one’s necrofear. No one could
say without lying whether he wasn’t afraid of what the future might bring.

“it’ll be fine.” The words left Julius’ lips, were nothing but fragile and almost not even a whisper. As
silent the words were, as slowly Aleksis tears dried and he re- leaned his head against Julius’
shoulders, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Seconds later he was fallen asleep.

Julius seemed to be woken up long time ago before when Aleksi did. He didn’t really need much time
to orientate; he slept here so often Joonas’ and Julius’ home was almost his, too. He stroke back his
hair when Julius came back from the kitchen: “G’morning, Alluxi. Slept well?” with a newspaper in his
hand he let himself fall onto the couch right next to Aleksi. His mood seemed to be just fine.

“Mh. It’s OK.” Aleksi blinked several times before he rubbed his eyes in order to completely wake up.
Julius smiled, leaned against the arm of the couch and within seconds Aleksi had closed his eyes
again and laid his head into Julius’ lap: “How are you doing today?”

“Better. Almost fine, actually” he smiled and let his fingers run through Aleksis hair: “Though todays’
news were kind of weird to hear” his fingertips wandered from the roots of Aleksis hair down to the
temple and further to the shut eyelids, stroke gently over them, and then the way went further over
the cheek, Aleksis lips, all over the neck and finally remained at the collar bone.

“What with today’s news?” Aleksi smiled, seemingly appreciated the little caress.

“You know that small town Ähtäri, up there close to Jyväskylä?”

“Sure. Have been there for vacation once, it’s nice.”
“ A thirteen years old boy committed suicide stabbing a knife five times into his stomach. He wrote
his suicide note and stuff. I mean, it’s sad. He’s been thirteen. Thirteen only.”

“What do you guess what he’s been through when he commits suicide with stabbing a knife into his
stomach?” Aleksi bit his lower lip and turned aside. Touched Julius’ left leg with his fingers, remained
with his hand on the knee: “You’d have to be more than just desperate.”

11
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
Julius swallowed, stroke back his hair and hesitated a while, didn’t exactly know what to say, what to
do with his hands, before he touched Aleksis shoulder with it and finally remained it here: “Take
care, Aleksi. Take care of yourself. On no matter of what might come.”

Silence, and it needed a while until Aleksi switched his position to lying on the back, eyes still shut,
reaching out with his hand and stroking Julius’ cheek with his fingertips gently: “How d’you mean?”

“I… don’t know. Just take care of yourself. You’ve grown to be necessary to me in the past couple of
days. And I mean… would you’ve been able to imagine it to be like it is now?” he had his eyes shut,
Aleksis fingers on his cheek before he touched them with his own hands and finally grabbed them.

“Don’t think so.” Aleksi shook his head and smiled: “But it’s quite good the way it is. I hated it to fight
you.” He too his and Julius’ Hand to him, slightly kissed Julius’ one and rose again: “I’m thirsty, Julius,
I’m thirsty.” He hesitated for a little before he stood up and quickly walked to the kitchen. Julius
didn’t follow him, remained on the couch and watched him taking out a glass and filling it with water.
Aleksi didn’t drink at once but first came back to the couch, sat beneath Julius and took his first sip
then.
The cold water ran along his dry throat and Aleksi smiled, though he might have not wanted. He laid
the water glass down when it was empty, stroke with the back of his hand across his lips in order to
get rid of the unnecessary liquor.

When he had his hand free it was some kind of reflex to grab Julius’ hand immediately. Bit himself on
the lower lip and leaned his head back to Julius shoulder, closed his eyes. It was OK. There still was
this need of nearness since Joonas was gone.

It didn’t need long and Julius’ long fingers started to – almost nervously – drum on Aleksis shoulders.
As Aleksi rose his view confusedly in direction of the other everything he just saw was an almost
excusing eye and a smile, and it was alright. Aleksi closed his eyes again, bit his lower lip and tried to
breath as less as he could.
“Actually, what time is it?”
Julius stopped drumming for a few seconds, stroke back his hair and murmured something sounding
like: “I’m going to cut them off.” before he said some louder “before you woke up it was three past
morning. You slept long, but you needed that, I guess.” He smiled weakly and grabbed for the remote
control next to him, switched the TV on. Newsbreak, for the first time in days not Joonas. As Aleksi
listened to the newsman talking about the buried alive construction workers in Chile he had to smile.
“Maybe news about Joonas would’ve taken my hope again.” He whispered, pushed Julius’ hand
heavier and bit his lower lip again. As there was no reply his smile faded and he opened his eyes
again, re-listened to the newsman telling the things that happened in Chile, just too artificial. But
Julius seemingly didn’t take any notice. Julius, who was looking at Aleksi the whole time, as best as
he could.
And then watching on the tube again when the newsman told about the thirteen years old who
committed suicide. But there wasn’t spoken about suicidal tendencies, mental illnesses or psychical
weaknesses in one single point. Everything was unclear, and fact was just that the student Taneli
Sallinen stabbed himself five times in the stomach using a knife with a grip made of glass. In his
suicide note he wrote down that the Angst grew too big and he was seeing no other way out. Angst

12
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
or fear of what was not said, and from what he was searching a way out was not remarked in one
sentence. Censored maybe. TV censored everything.

“A poor soul.” Julius bit his lower lip heavily and shut his eyes for a moment, grabbed Aleksis Hand
just tighter. “How desperate one has to be.”
Aleksi laid his head back into his neck and smiled sadly: “Thirteen years old is so young. When I was
thirteen I used to think about computer games and Donald Duck Comics but not about… suicide.”
“Same with me either.” Julius tightened his grip around Aleksis hand: “Take care, Allu. Take care.”

“Yeh.” A sudden smile decorated Aleksis gentle lips for a quarter of a second only and that seemingly
wasn’t enough for Julius: “Can you promise?” – “Promise”, Aleksi smiled, somehow possibly flattered
and Julius bit his lower lip, obviously finding the blushing of Aleksi way too cute.
And he but turned away, possibly to not seem too obtrusive, maybe to not go too far.
And then there was some key turning into the main ports lock.

2 .
Aleksi twitched and within seconds he jumped off the couch and even though he didn’t knew who
would be at the door he just had the feeling of he would have gone mad when he sat on the couch
for longer, even if it was just two seconds more. With quick steps he left the living room behind, then
the kitchen and finally was in the hall, saw a person with long, black hair standing in the hall.
Aleksi grabbed the doorway arch almost too tightly, tried to adjust his pulse back to a normal tempo
just when he noticed the person standing in the hall was Joonas. Joonas, black haired. Joonas, with
even more scars than he already had. Not self-mutilated, more likely abrasions and open wounds on
his upper arm looked like they were caused by a fight. A fight or a survival training. And it but was the
same young man, even if not recognizable from the very first second on.

“Joonas?” Aleksis voice was way trembling and not just his voice. The dainty body was heavily
trembling and the whole power Aleksi had collected when sleeping faded again.

The recipient turned around and his vacuous physiognomy gave way to a smile the very next second.
A smile, something expressing happiness. “Aleksi” and within seconds he was at Joonas side, noosed
his arms around the malnourished body of his best friend, stood at his tiptoes just to be taller, tall
enough for Joonas, and he buried his head into Joonas’ bend.
Within seconds Aleksis dainty body braced, trembled unregulated and it were thick warm tears firstly
touching and then running down Joonas’ neck.
He closed his eyes and sank his forehead on Aleksis shoulder; stroke his hand gently over the
trembling back of the older one: “I missed you, Aleksi, I incredibly missed you.”
There was no answer, Aleksi was unable to make a sound. Still pushing himself against the others
body, still having tears pouring out of his eyes. Despite how he promised himself to not cry, despite
how he wanted to be strong, it just wasn’t possible anymore. He was too weak, and now he had him
in his eyes, Joonas. The guy who he was for full six days worried about. Worries just as never before.
And Joonas was here, breathed, was alive.

Eternities seemed to passed by until they released again. Eternities during which Julius stood leaned
against the doorway arch, kept tabs on the two of them, smiled silently.

13
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
Aleksi bit his lower lip as Joonas took his head and used his other one to strike through the thick,
black hair, patterned him with his reddened eyes, and lips, his red nose and the tear stained face:
“You look cute”
And again, Aleksi bit his lower lip. He almost picked up courage again, but now simply a strange
sound left his throat and he broke out in tears: “Fuck, where you were?”
Joonas smiled gently, let off Aleksis hand and stroke with his own one above the other ones cheek:
“Not now, I beg you. Let’s talk another day about what has happened.” And he bit his lower lip when
he noticed that Aleksis hand found its way to his, remained there, and impacted his lips, nod, almost
bravely. “Okei.” Was some almost unnecessary spoken word hanging in the silence, the silence in
which Joonas bended forward to Aleksi, having his eyes shut, just to kiss him gently. And it was
Aleksis heart to beat way too fast, to almost bust, when he tightened the grip around Joonas fingers,
clutched as heavily into them as it should hurt actually. While he kissed him back, tears running again
down his faces. It was perfect. Seemingly. For the moment, and possibly also for the future, and
Aleksi smiled as they released each other.

“I guess I owed you that after all the past days stress” Joonas smile was obviously fake and it but
simply didn’t matter to Aleksi anymore – not now. Cautiously he took his hands away from Aleksis
cheeks and Aleksi immediately grabbed for them. When Joonas noticed it he just had to smile a little
right before he turned back to Julius: “You found that letter?”
The recipient made a face before he answered: “Oh well yes, I did. Somewhen at four am this
morning. Do you actually know how much we worried? Aleksi hasn’t been to school for five days
now, didn’t eat, did almost never sleep and he was here all time. Didn’t you fucking care about him?”
there was an blocked rage in his voice and however he tried to keep it in disguise he failed.
Joonas simply shook his head: “I’ve put the letter onto the coffee machine. What does Julius do as his
very first action each single day? Oh right – he makes himself a cup of coffee. I didn’t want to shout it
out you know? Fuck it, I wanted to go silently without everyone knowing it.” He shook his head,
seemingly angered about Julius didn’t appreciate he even wrote the letter. Aleksi just pushed his
hand closely.

“Yeh. And somehow I just wasn’t in mood to make myself a fucking coffee after my fucking brother
was gone, I simply had other things in my mind” he shook his head unable to believe the behavior of
his brother was real, that that brother bit his lower lip angrily: “I needed silence. Needed to get rid of
a lot of shit. I think that’s legal. You can’t tell me I didn’t write something for you. So, everything’s in
its very best order.”

“Nothing’s i- “ right before Julius was able to finish his sentence Joonas interrupted him harshly:
“Doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past; it’s not worth fighting for. Also…” as he noticed that Aleksi
still was pushing his hand closely Joonas eyed him. Trembling, he was almost unable to hold his
dainty body on his legs, too exhausted.
The bad conscience seemingly overcame him: “Well. That’s past. I believe Aleksi and I would be doing
better if we went upstairs now. I don’t want to forge him any further.”
And it’s been just it, he turned around and left the hall through the kitchen and through the living
room, having Aleksi on his hand like a little child, just to take care he would pass everything without
fainting. Surely he saw how weak his best friend was, how weak he had made him, what a fragile
wreck of misery Aleksi had become. But after all he didn’t really know whether he should feel guilty

14
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
or not. Most likely he decided not to, let himself fall onto his bed when they had reached his room
and watched Aleksi sitting down next to him: “You’ve slept in here when I was gone?”
“I didn’t sleep after all.” Nothing more, nothing less. Aleksi shut his eyes just to open them again few
seconds later, watched Joonas tried to get himself used to the new look of Joonas.
With his black hair and the huge amount of fresh, deep cuts and scars he had way another
appearance.
The whole, beautiful face laid in shadows and but made the blue eyes shine even more extremely
than they did before. It made him look even better, but also kind of… scarier. Joonas had quite a
feminine face, but it was now hidden into some kind of shadow. He used to have a face which always
aroused trust but now every little piece of that was gone. Everything was gone and in spite Aleksi felt
as attracted as never before.

“Aleksi…” Joonas put one of his big but still kind of dainty hands on Aleksis hips and looked down to
him, he’s always been taller than Aleksi, even though he was younger and Aleksi the older of them
two. Somewhen he just shook his head smilingly, and when Aleksi decided to lay down on the bed
Joonas joined him. Started to stroke through his hair, gently, smiling.
“I’m so sorry. I needed to be off. And I… kind of faded everything else out of my mind.” He bit his
lower lip but before he could’ve talked any further Aleksi laid his forefinger on Joonas lips:
“Well, if you don’t want to explain you won’t have to. Everything that’s necessary, everything that
matters to me is… that you’re back again.” And he smiled with this reddened lips so gently Joonas
would have found it hard to resist if he only wanted. But it was just OK. What he needed in some
kind of. He didn’t want to talk.
He hesitated when he arose, and while he did Aleksi did just the same – followed him with
everything he did. Smiled insecurely and laid one of his hand on one of Joonas skinny tights while he
led the other one into Joonas’ nape. Again Joonas smiled before he leaned forward to Aleksi to kiss
him hesitantly. And it but wasn’t enough no, now that Aleksi licked blood again, now that he was
back again, the man Aleksi still wanted from the bottom of his heart. Each second he sat in front of
him. It wasn’t just that the simple kiss Julius now knew about was the only thing that happened
between Aleksi and Joonas. And but they never came as far as they would’ve slept with each other –
something Aleksi had always wanted from the depth of his heart.

“How I missed that” just a short sentence between two gentle kisses and Joonas seemingly enjoyed
saying them. He led his hands under Aleksis shirt touching the skin so comfortably warm he almost
had a guilty conscience touching it with his cold fingers. And it but didn’t matter quite much to Aleksi,
he didn’t even shiver, maybe he didn’t even notice. And Joonas smiled, laid his hands on the skinny
hips of the older one and pulled him into his skinny legs, smiled again: “I missed you, Aleksi. Your way
to be, your way to smile. And your fucking hot body.”
Aleksi almost had to laugh at the last point of Joonas’ list, then laid his forehead against the one of
Joonas so he would catch his eye: “If you missed me so much…” he closed his eyes just to reopen
them again few minutes later, took his hand off Joonas’ nape and slightly touched the tight of his
opposite just to let the fingers remain there, stroke gently over the skinny leg: “Why won’t you sleep
with me? You know that – “ – “there’s nothing you wished more.” Joonas smiled and shook his head
a little: “Give me some time, Allu. I do want to sleep with you, I honestly want to, but I need some
time. You… I mean you know you can excite me so much with your way you move and with words

15
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
only… And well Aleksi don’t you think I don’t notice you aim at that so many times.” He shook his
head and Aleksi made a face, shook his head and was seemingly disappointed.

“I’m so sorry, Aleksi.” He stroke through his hair, kissed him gently, but when Aleksi didn’t kiss him
back it was just too obvious he was really disappointed, and Joonas sighed: “OK. We’ll do it in two
days. Not today but in two days. Since then is Friday and we have enough time. How does that
sound?” , he smiled – a fake, again – but Aleksi didn’t care, smiled an nod: “sounds good. Okei.”

“Well.” He smiled unluckily: “On my sixteenth birthday.” he said nothing for a while, then: “So could
you please…” No need to talk any further. Aleksi smiled, kissed Joonas gently. He knew his best friend
way too well to would’ve needed to finish talking: “It’ll be alright. I’ll do… whatever you want me to.”
Another kiss, and the soft pressure made Joonas close his eyes as he kissed Aleksi back, and they
didn’t even need to interrupt their kiss to lay back on the bed again. Aleksi smiled into the kiss, his
heart was beating way faster than he expected it to. Aleksi interrupted the kiss just to murmur a
silent: “I’m already way too excited.” Almost as silent as a breath but it was enough to cause a proper
draught in his groin and he opened his eyes just to throw a devastating glance in the direction of the
other one. It didn’t matter to Aleksi, he was way too busy to pull his shirt over his head, and he
released his haggard body for the views of Joonas. He just shook his head and closed the eyes,
seemingly enjoying since Aleksi leaned forward to him again and started to kiss him again and again
on his cheek while his hand carefully found its way under Joonas shirt.

“How I love it…” Joonas grinned while he breathed out, deeply to express his enjoyment: “how I love
you being excited.” He wanted to say something further but Aleksi obviously had heard enough. With
an assuming smile he glanced a little right before he kissed Joonas on the lips, using his tongue to ask
for more. And Joonas didn’t take long to agree, to open his lips just to expand the kiss for his own
satisfaction. It was plainly amazing what kind of feelings that kissed caused. Unconscious Joonas’
hand found its ways over Aleksis tight, stroke gently about it, made the dainty boy move a little,
mourn. It’s always been an easy thing to arouse Aleksi and plus the heat of his body plus the fingers
Joonas finally lead to his groin made him gasp out in enjoy on and on again.

They didn’t need to take breath for a single second; they were so used to each other. And Joonas but
loved to test out his borders. Carefully he led his fingers all over the tight material of Aleksis jeans
just until he touched the already half-erected limb. Joonas would’ve smiled if he just could while he
was touching the abdomen gently, making the dainty body stain under each of his touches, and how
Aleksi wanted to get rid of that situation on the other side but on the other … “Ah…” a short but
throaty moan and Aleksi loosened the kiss: “Joonas, you fucking asshole.” He closed his eyes and in
no matter of how he struggled with himself he was just not able to hold himself back from moving
against Joonas hand on and on again, unable to control himself, and he wanted it, wanted it badly.

“Without any foreplay, I’m amazed.” Joonas grinned arrogantly and it was obvious he was making
fun of the tempo his best friend was into. Again. It was always like this. Always.
Joonas shook his head almost unnoticeable right before he led one of his hands into Aleksis nape and
pulled him closer to himself: “You’re always so quick. And you never get it done yourself. Shall I…
give it to you, hoe?”

But instead of an answer Aleksi panted, sounded quite shocked: “Fuck!” Joonas didn’t really know
what was going on. He had expected almost every answer but not this. Confused he glanced at his

16
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
best friend who’s expression switched within quarters of seconds from excited to disgusted: “FUCK!”
he shrieked, and he pulled back his hand from underneath Joonas’ shirt: “Fuck Joonas, you’re
bleeding. Your whole stomach is covered in blood!”

And Joonas twitched back. More shocked from Aleksis words than if he would’ve felt actual pain.
“What…” he stared at the hands Aleksi held in front of his eyes. The red blood running through the
dainty fingers, uniting at the ankle to iver of blood and flowing down the arm. Too much for there
was no wound at all.

“What the fuck?” he yielded backwards even though it was him bleeding, and not Aleksi though it
seemed so. There was simply too much blood, and it seemed like it was Aleksi having the wound.
Incredible to imagine that here was so much blood on his hands not caused by a wound. And Joonas
didn’t feel any pain at all.

“What’s with your hand, Aleksi?” Angst was something recognizable in Aleksis eyes as he was gazing
at his fingers, the bloody ones. His expression showing nothing but fright: “There’s everything
allright… with my hand” he shook his head, was almost panicking: “Joonas, it’s…” he didn’t came any
further. Swallowed hardly and his eyes grew bigger second by second: “Joonas. Your… your shirt!”

It took a while until Joonas noticed what Aleksi wanted to say him. His glance sank down to his shirt.
“fuck!” escaped from his lips right before he was unable to get enough breath. He fought, was trying
to keep his pulse, heartbeat and the breathing on a constant level while he stroke about his bloody
shirt: “What the…”
And then he panicked. He rang for air while tears filled up his eyes slowly: “Aleksi. Fuck, Aleksi. Call a
doctor, just call a doctor!”

He didn’t even know what was happening. He might’ve felt no pain but the blood was oozing through
his shirt. As If he would have been shot. Or stabbed. But… the angst was stronger than the clear mind
and Joonas needed to lose his ability to breathe before Aleksi would understand.
Jumped off the bed just way too fast, stumbled to the desk where his cellphone lay. His fingers were
trembling by his anxious, he stroke all the buttons without pushing at least one of them. Too heavy
his fingers trembled, too messed up his thoughts. He was… simply not able to remind of the three-
number emergency call.

Angst rushed into his whole body, made him cough and stole his breath, his pulse was raising rapidly.
Tears filled up his eyes and he wanted to give in. Wanted to drop the cellphone just to hide himself
into some edge to cry. To prove his own disability though it still wasn’t too late. Yet.

And somehow he but managed to dial 112. It took him a lot of courage to hold the cellphone against
his ear; so heavily his fingers were trembling and his fingers almost clutched right into the small
telephone. The tooting was seemingly endless, lasted for ages and he almost broke down. Too scary
has it been to see, to much blood everywhere, and too big was the fright of losing Joonas finally yet.
Right before someone had the change to accept his call all power left his body and he sank along the
wall down to the soil. Pressed Knees tightly against his body, laid his forehead on his shoulders and
sobbed.
Felt eternities later someone accepted the call finally: “Emergency Central northern Helsinki, who am
I talking to?”

17
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
Unable to even say a word Aleksi sobbed, there was something hysterically in the cry and the man at
the northern Helsinki emergency central seemingly got alarmed: “Do you have an emergency?”

Another sob and then a “yeah” more whined than something else. It sounded tormented, horribly
desperate and Aleksi had reached his end, the end of all his strength. The free hand clutched into his
knees and possibly it was the pain that gave him the little rest of power he needed to answer a
second question.

“What kind of emergency are you dealing with?” – “My friend…” Aleksi fought himself to not cry
again, and his voice was still nothing but a single, whiny sound: “He… bleeds, and it’s…” and he
sobbed again; hold his hand in front of his mouth, let the cellphone sink down and broke out in tears.
He was too weak. Simply too weak.

3 .
He felt Joonas hand on his shoulders. “Let it be, Aleksi. It’s Okei, it has stopped. It’s alright again” and
the recipient but reacted with another sob and it was not identifiable whether it was caused by relief
or another attack of panic. Joonas kneeled down and shook his head as he took the cellphone out of
Aleksis clutching fingers and pushed it at his ear while he stroke through the hair of the younger one,
gently, calmingly: “Hello there?”

It didn’t need even a second until the guy from the northern Helsinki emergency central replied:
“Hello? What’s up there?”

“Everything’s all right. My friend is shocked and panicking a little. There’ve been some happenings in
the past which made him susceptible to blood. I cut myself accidently few minutes ago and when I
asked him to call a doctor he completely freaked up. I excuse very much for disturbing you.” He lied.
And it but was the best he could have done since he hadn’t even had a reason for what had
happened. What was happening.

“And you’re sure there’s everything alright at yours? Don’t you won’t to tell me where you are so I
could send a doctor?”

“Well no thank you, you won’t need to. I excuse for disturbing and wish you a nice further evening.”
Without waiting for a reply Joonas pressed the red button and let the cellphone fall to the floor right
before he turned to Aleksi: “Allu. Aleksi. It has stopped. Everything’s alright.”

And it took felt eternities for Aleksi to reregulate his breathe, to be strong enough to wipe the tears
out of his eyes, too breathe in deeply, to turn his eyes to Joonas: “What… has happened? How was
that even possible, I mean you lost so much blood you should be … Joonas…” he cried, was again
close to break out in tears and but Joonas was faster, took Aleksis hands and stroke with his thumbs
gently across the hands backs. He was as unsecure as expected but finally his hectically breathing
made way for a normal breathing, in and out, deeply, and he closed his eyes: “What the hell was
going on, Joonas?” his voice was strong again, and the tears ran dry. But he still hold the other ones
hand tightly, clutched almost, calmed but down a little after a kiss on his cheek.

18
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
“I don’t know, Aleksi. To be honest I really don’t know. I didn’t feel any pain and I would have not
taken notice of I bled without you making such a-“, he shook his head. ‘show’ he didn’t want to say
even though it was kind of a show Aleksi did.

“Joonas?” Aleksi held his head a little sunk and but opened his eyes, turned to the person who still
was holding his hands, the person who…

“What’s the matter, Aleksi?” he tried a smile but failed. Still he was too weak and shocked himself,
too shocked to expect at least anything. Just glanced at Aleksi out of his wet, reddened blue eyes,
glanced at the beautiful face, Aleksi, how he looked at him having his red lips just half-shut.

“Joonas… Do you actually know what I’ve been through? How much… I missed you? You have to
understand I… there’s more than just an ordinary friendship I feel for you. You have to understand I
love you. That I fucking love you. You’ve been stressing me out way too much and day by day I was
afraid to die because I could have been unable to handle the pressure. Because I couldn’t live
without you. Couldn’t. Even back then. I don’t know if these words even matter to you, I love you,
but…” he shook his head, looked away, fought again the upcoming tears: “I wanted to tell it
differently. Or not at all. I…” his voice broke and he kept on saying nothing at all, not anymore. He
had his view focused on his legs while he lost the fight against the tears.
Incredibly. He cried today as much as never in his whole life before.

“I know how you’re feeling for me Aleksi, I ain’t stupid.” Joonas laid his head back into his nape and
sighed: “It’s clear to me. It wasn’t something I could simply have not been recognizing, you know?
Everything we did was always special for you and I saw it, it was just so obvious. But I didn’t show I
already knew. And neither will I in the future.”

It was maybe not the answer Aleksi wanted to hear but for sure also not the one he feared. His
breath regulated itself slowly to a normal level and he opened his lips to say something further, but
he obviously decided to not do it seconds later. Too much what has happened in the past hours. Too
much he had to take on his fragile shoulders and everything was so unreal to him. So unreal,
everything that happened. Joonas was back again, the blood which later disappointed so… easily
again. Nothing was over, not yet, he felt it just when he started fighting his tears again.
“Joonas, I guess I would be better off alone now. Do you… come to school tomorrow?”

He close his eyes and bit his lower lip, wiped his tears away, those he was unable to fight. They were
they, and for another turn they showed him how weak he was. Way too weak. Way too weak.

“I guess I’ll come, yeah.” Joonas voice was soft and the smile he wore on his lips promised hope.
Some hope who would never become reality. That was just what Aleksi understood. And he jumped
up overhastily, pressed his hand against his face right before he broke out in tears again, left the
room way quickly with eyes blinded by the tears. Didn’t say a word, just left.

Outside all his power faded out of his body and he sobbed heavily, buried his pretty face in his hands
and fell. Fell onto his knees and into the snow. Twitched heavily due to the snows coldness and the
heaviness of his sobbing. And when he finally noticed he didn’t even wore a T-Shirt he was close to a
break-down. The snow oozed through his tight jeans, burnt his legs and the icy cold was biting his
stomach, chest, arms. Aleksi sobbed, choked, gasped for air and the angst of getting no air rushed

19
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
thru his body, made place for a dull panic and he shivered, clutched one of his hands into his head.
“Oh please…” he begged, begged into his hand which still was in front of his mouth; right before
there was some warmth around him. The first person he thought about was Joonas and so Aleksi hit
the Hand on his shoulders. But as he turned around he just saw Julius, holding a jacket and a pullover
prepared for him: “You promised you wouldn’t do something stupid. Aleksi. Please take care.” He bit
his lower lip while he reached out for Aleksis Hand just to pull him off the snow. Shook his head as he
noosed his arms around the haggard, trembling body of the younger one to give him some first
warmth: “Put on these clouds and come in. You might suffer from hypothermia. I’m gonna make you
a coffee and you’re going to take another night over her. You can sleep in my bed, I’m going to take
the couch.- And If you want to you can go to school tomorrow, just the way you want.” He nod and
released Aleksi, just to take him by his hand and pull him into the house again, like if he was an
invalid little kid: “You can get something to dress up. Also you can take a shower if you want to.”

“Thank you.” Murmured Aleksi weakly as he glanced up to the November skies right before they
entered the house: “I won’t need it.” It was already dark outside despite the fact it wasn’t too late
yet. “But a coffee. I will take some coffee.”

Little later they sat on the couch again. Aleksi, who but had decided to take a quick shower, sat on
Julius’ skinny legs and there was this blanket over both of their shoulders. Also, Aleksi had a cup of
hot coffee in his hand while Julius had his arms noosed around Aleksis hips: “I’m going to talk to
Joonas tomorrow, come hell or high water. It simply can’t be OK that he’s missing for a week, coming
back and acting like if nothing has happened. I noticed how you suffered the past days. We both did,
and well… Did you at least… talk, as you were… I mean did he tell you something … like because… you
simply went? I mean…”

“No” Aleksi wiped that thought away with a simple gesture right before he took a sip of coffee: “That
has had another cause. Julius, Joonas and I we had… a little, private problem. I just lost my mind as
he… how he reacted on something I said. It’s alright, never mind. But we didn’t really talked about
where he was and what he did. He… I told him that it would be OK if he didn’t want to talk and” he
took another sip of coffee before the talked further: “He didn’t want to talk, well it was OK for me.
We… did other things. It’s just.” Aleksi blushed and was kind of happy Julius could’ve not seen.
“Well I see you’ve been busy.” Julius smirked “You don’t have to tell me all your private shit, what
you want to keep for yourself you don’t have to tell.” he stroke with his long fingers the hair out of
Aleksis nape and kissed him gently. It was OK, they already talked about that. Just little gestures of
caress, with no further meaning, and Aleksi shivered but. Grabbed his coffee a little tighter while he
took another sip: “Well, Julius… would you mind driving me home today? I would… like to sleep at
home. And if you won’t let me walk you could probably drive me home, so….” He turned round to
Julius and as he nod it was some kind of reflex to kiss him quickly on the lips. Aleksi still wasn’t
himself for hundred percent and if Julius would have asked he would’ve used it as an excuse. But
Julius did not. Instead he just smiled, put his hand back around the hips of the younger one.

That’s been it. The next words came when Aleksi was already done with drinking his coffee.
“I’m gonna drive you home now, that’s OK?” – “It surely is.” The recipient stood up and watched
Julius while he did the same, just way slower. “I’ll give the clothes to Joonas, won’t I?”
“Never mind.” Julius stroke gently through Aleksis hair and wanted to leave Aleksi behind but the

20
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
hold him back: “Thank you, Julius. Thank you for everything.” He hesitated before he hugged him
tightly.

And Julius smiled, kissed Aleksi quickly on his forehead: “You’re welcome. Never mind.”

“You…” Aleksi reddened as they released each other again, as they watched right into their eyes.
“I?” Julius smiled while he stroke through the youngers hair again.

“You said you never… collected any experiences with men, and I…” he didn’t come further, Julius lips
were already moved to a grin: “You’re incredibly cute, Aleksi.. Anyone’s ever told you that?” he
shook his head, stroke back his hair and jerked his shoulders: “What are you wanting to do?”

“I just would like to…” he bit his lower lip: “Well let’s go Julius. I want to go home.”
“As you desire” the older one jerked his shoulders and went past Aleksi just to switch the room, and
when Aleksi entered the hall Julius was already checking whether the car key was in his jacket or not.
As he obviously touched it he just smiled: “We can go.” Aleksi nod silently. Still red in his face he
buried his hands deeply into his pockets of the way too wide jacket Julius gave him, and which he
wore again, despite the fact that he could of actually have worn his own one now. It didn’t matter
anymore, at least Julius said nothing.

It was amazingly cold outside and again it snowed, Aleksi shivered while Julius was holding his one
hand and closing the door with the other hand. “Ah, well, Aleksi. You know what I would like to know
now?”

“Hm?” thanks to the way too big jacked and the pullover the shivering was almost gone and he didn’t
feel too cold anymore when he turned round.

“How it really is, like if there’s such a huge difference between kissing a boy and a girl.” And Aleksi
reddened immediately. Stroke back his hair nervously: “I guess that’s easy to be found out, isn’t it?”

“Sounds nice” with kind of an arrogantly grin Julius pulled the younger one with him to the car while
Aleksi was just staring at him, obviously kind of confused: “What the hell are you doing?”
“Let’s go into the car, it’s warmer in there” he jerked his shoulders and Aleksi followed him. The car
unlocked itself when Julius – and with Julius the key for sure – came closer and they sat in the car just
quarters of seconds later. The warmth was something nice, even after such a little of time. Though
he was a Finn Julius has always been easily affected to coldness and so he always had the heating
system in his car on – at least in winter, in no matter of how expensive that was. He was a Levonen.
He had the money.

Aleksi smiled insecurely while he slightly touched Julius hand: “And you’ve surely never kissed a
boy?” And Julius shook his head so his long, blonde hair would hang him right into the face. A swear
left his lips right before he turned to the younger next to him: “I had few times something like you
had. To be there for another boy, some cuddling perhaps, too. I never admit that, I mean who does?”
he jerked his shoulders: “Really kissed? No, never. Well but I’m actually not really someone to… well,
no. I don’t need no relationship. I would just like to test it out.” He smiled, jerked his shoulders again
and leaned almost unrecognizable forward to Aleksi right before he led his arm into the neck of the
older one, pulled him tighter. Smiled, right before he touched Julius’ lips with his own one for the
first time. Released them in the very next second just to kiss him again, almost demanding, pulled

21
 © Pia Katri – Lasimaailma
him closer if this was even possible, and finally closed his eyes. He enjoyed it. Enjoyed to know he
was doing this without a real feeling lying behind. He enjoyed since he knew his feeling were
something he left at Joonas’ somewhere there, and he was here, here with Julius in his car. Julius
who had his arms lying around his hips, pulling him gently little over him, also having his eyes shut,
while their kisses became more and more passionate.

Just until stopped immediately: “Fuck!” - “What do you mean: ‘Fuck’?” Aleksi glanced at Julius and
then finally turned around and looked in direction of the house were Julius was staring at.

Joonas stood there. The glance indefinable and starring fixed at the car. The whole body under a
tension, stiff he stood there while the snow was dancing around him. Underneath his eyes there
were shadows, strange one, and it could’ve been an illusion only, but they seemed pretty bloody.
Aleksis whole body shivered heavily when he saw Joonas. Joonas, and he froze. How he stood there,
the glance stiff fixed at them, the face in shadow thanks to his hair, and the blood, the blood all over
his face. Blood, and then that knife right in his hands. Blood. More blood.

22