Professional Documents
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Non Violent Communication Marshal Rosenberg
Non Violent Communication Marshal Rosenberg
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
Purpose of NVC
A way to focus attention
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
Four options on how to receive a negative message
Being motivated out of guilt
Other ways of denial of responsibility
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RECEIVING EMPATHICALLY
Responding to the messages of others
Empathy lies in our ability to be present
Non empathic usual responses
Listening for feelings and needs
Paraphrasing
Pieces of advice
Sustaining empathy
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NOTES
WORKSHOP DISCUSSION
10 STEPS TO PEACE
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INTRODUCTION
Base on the crucial role of language and our use of words, NVC is a
specific approach to communicating –speaking and listening- that
leads us to give from the heart allowing our natural compassion to
flourish.
Purpose of NVC
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The second question –and it’s linked to the first one- is:
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4. The concrete action we request in order to enrich our
lives
“Felix, when I 1see socks under the coffee table I 2feel irritated
because I am needing 3more order in the room that we share in
common.
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Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the
washing machine?”
Listen for the feeling and need behind each statement without
agreeing or disagreeing.
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Denial of responsibility
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“I start smoking because all my friends did.” – group pressure.
“I have to suspend you because it is the school policy.” –
institutional policies rules, and regulations.
“I do it because I am a husband and a father.” – gender, social or
age roles.
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Example:
II was working with a woman who was concerned about something
her teenage daughter didn’t do.
I asked what the daughter does and she told me what she thought
the daughter was, diagnosing her as “lazy.”
Any words we use that imply the wrongness of others are tragic
expressions of what’s alive in us. They don’t lead to people
enjoying contributing to our well-being. They provoke
defensiveness and counter aggression.
Telling people what’s wrong with them is suicidal and tragic –and
besides, it’s ineffective. We don’t want these judgments to mix in
when we try to tell people what they’ve done that we don’t like. We
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want to go directly to the behavior without mixing in a diagnosis,
judgment or evaluation.
So this is the first step in trying to tell people what’s alive in us. It’s
the ability to call their attention –concretely, specifically –what the
person is doing that we like or don’t like, without mixing in any
evaluation.
Exaggerations
Examples
“My son often doesn’t brush his teeth.” – evaluation
“Twice this week my on didn’t brush his teeth before going to bed.”
- observation
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“My aunt complains when I talk with her.” – evaluation
“My aunt called me three times this week, and each time talked
about people who treated her in ways she didn’t like.” - observation
“You are arguing with me for the fourth time this week.” -
evaluation
“This is the fourth time this week that you stated you disagree with
something I’m saying.” - observation
“They made fun of the fact I served pigs’ feet for dinner.” -
evaluation
“When I served pig’s feet for dinner, I heard laughter and someone
saying, ‘Where are the toenail clippers when we need them?’” –
observation
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Example:
One student in the university I was working with wanted to work
on his roommate.
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“I am upset because I think you are annoying me purpose.” –
feeling
“I feel I am being unkind to them.” – opinion (“I think…”)
“I feel regret around how I am behaving towards them.” – feeling
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Examples
“I am happy that you can come.” – feeling
“I feel disturbed” - feeling
“I feel like hitting you” - opinion
“I’d be furious too if that had happened to me.” – interpretation
“I feel concerned that this happened to you. I would have been
furious if it had been me.” – feeling
“You are wearing me out.” – opinion (denial of responsibility)
“I feel exhausted.” – feeling
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TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
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“Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for
your preferences?”
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“You irritate me when you leave company documents on the
conference room floor.”
“I’m irritated when you leave company documents on the
conference floor, because I want our documents to be safely stored
and accessible.” – NVC
“I feel frustrated when you come late.”
“I feel frustrated when you come late, because I was hoping we’d
be able to get some front-row seats.” – NVC
“I feel happy that you received that award.” – positive Denial resp.
“When you received that award, I felt happy because I was hoping
you’d be recognized for all the work you’d put into the project.” –
NVC
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We are used to analyze and blame one another rather than clearly
expressing what we need. When people begin talking about what
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they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the
possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly
increased.
At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs
at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating
clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally
concerned that the needs of the others be fulfilled.
Examples
“I feel angry when you say that, because I am wanting respect
and I hear your words as an insult.” - NVC
“I am sad that you won’t be coming for dinner because I was
hoping we could spend the evening together.” - NVC
“I feel scared when you raise your voice.”
“When you raise your voice, I feel scared because I’m telling
myself someone might get hurt here, and I need to know that
we’re all safe.” - NVC
“I am grateful that you offered me a ride because I was needing to
get home before my children.” - NVC
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Autonomy
Choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values.
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Integrity
Authenticity, honesty, presence.
Meaning
Celebration of life and dreams fulfilled.
Clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity,
efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, purpose, self-
expression, stimulation, understanding.
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation,
communication, closeness, community, companionship,
compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion,
intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, security,
stability, support, to know and be known, to understand and be
understood, trust, warmth.
Physical Well-being
Air, food, movement, exercise, rest, sleep, sexual expression,
safety, shelter, touch, water.
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Now, let’s turn to the other basic question: What can be done to
make life more wonderful? To respond to this second basic question
of how to make life more wonderful, you’re going to make a
specific, clear request. You are going to request of the other person
what you like them to do to make life more wonderful for you.
Example:
A mother that want her daughter to clean up her room.
The mother then became conscious that two needs of hers were
involved in this: her need for order and beauty, and her need for
support in getting her needs met.
Marshall: “Ok, then, let’s get to your request. And let’s express
it in positive action language. Say to your daughter
what you do want.”
Mother: “Well, I want her to clean up the room.”
Marshall: “We have to use action language. Clean is too vague.
We have to use a concrete action to make our
request.”
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So, what the mother finally came up with was that she would like
the daughter to make the bed, to put clothes that were ready for
the wash in the wash (and not leave them on the floor), and to
take dishes she had brought into her room back to the kitchen.
That would be a clear request.
Now, once we have made this clear request, we need to make sure
it’s not heard as a demand. Another form of communication that is
very destructive in human relationships is a demand.
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statement contributes to internal confusion and is likely to provoke
a defensive response.
“I’d like you to tell me one thing that I did that you appreciate.” –
NVC
“I would like you to drive in a better way” – vague action
“I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.” - NVC
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“I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I
didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked so let me try again.”
Requesting honesty
Requests Vs demands
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We want to make clear, assertive requests, and we want other
people to know that these are requests and not demands. First,
you can’t tell the difference by how nicely it is asked.
“I would like you to hang up your clothes when you are finished
with them.” Is that a request or a demand? We don’t know yet.
What determines the difference between a request and a demand
is how we treat people when they don’t respond to our request.
Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges instead of
empathizing.
S - “I am lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.”
L - “Jack, I’m really tired.”
S – “You know how lonely I am feeling. If you really loved me,
you’d spend the evening with me.” – demand (guilt trip)
Also it’s easy to forget things that you feel are imposed on you,
things that are demanded of you. And when you don’t do it, you
get criticized. So make clear requests that people trust as
requests. In order for them to trust that it’s a request, they need
to know that they can disagree and be understood.
“Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like
you to set the table.”
Camouflaged demands
“By putting your money in mutual funds, you are just supporting
guns and tobacco and sweat shops and all the things we’re trying
to change in this world.”
“When I hear you have put your money in mutual funds, I feel
dejected because I’d like to see us put our resources into what we
value, rather than to support guns, tobacco, and sweatshops.
Would you be willing to tell me what you are feeling when you hear
me say this?”
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“Hey kids, flashlights aren’t toys. Don’t waste batteries. They cost
money.”
“When I see you kids playing with the flashlights under the
blanket, I feel uneasy. I want these flashlights to last so they’ll be
available if we have an emergency. Would you be willing to put
them away?”
“But you told me two weeks ago that it would be fine if I were to
take a long weekend this month.”
“When I hear you say ‘no’ to my taking a long weekend this month
and then remember you saying two weeks ago that it would be
fine, I feel frustrated and confused. I need more clarity and some
reassurance that we are communicating accurately. Would you be
willing to tell me what you just heard me say.”
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1“The Secret Behind the Secret, How to clear your path to greater manifestations” -
Dr. Eric Amidi
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Example:
A woman told us she had been screaming at her child that morning
before coming to the training.
Marshall: “What need of yours was not met by how you talked to
the child?”
Mother: “I have a real need to respect people, especially my
children. Talking to my child that way didn’t meet my
need for respect.”
Marshall: “Now that your attention is on your needs, how do you
feel?”
Mother: “I am sad.”
Marshall: “How does that sadness feel compared with what you
were thinking a few moments ago –that you’re a
terrible mother and the other judgments you were
making of yourself?”
Mother: “It’s almost like a sweet pain now.”
When we get in touch with needs of ours that weren’t met by our
behavior, I call that mourning –mourning our actions. But it’s
mourning without blame, mourning without thinking there’s
something wrong with us for doing what we did. It’s almost like a
sweet pain compared with the depression, the guilt, and the shame
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we feel when we are educating ourselves through blame and
judgments.
Marshall: “Let’s look at the good reasons you did what you did.”
Woman: “I was screaming at my child. What do you mean by
good reasons?”
Marshall: “It’s important for us to be conscious that we don’t do
anything except for good reasons. Everything we do is
in service of needs. So, What need were you trying to
meet when you talked to your child that way?”
Woman: “I really have a need for my child to be protected in
life –and if this child doesn’t learn how to do things
differently, I’m scared of what could happen.”
Marshall: “So, what you did didn’t meet your need to respect
other people. Now let’s be conscious of what need of
yours was met by doing it. You care for the child; you
wanted to protect the child’s well-being.”
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Step One: Look at those things that you tell yourself you have to
do, any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive
yourself to have no choice.
Step Two: Clearly acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these
things because you choose to do them, not because you have to.
Insert the words “I choose to …” in front of each statement.
Step Three: Get in touch with the intention behind the choice by
completing the statement, “I choose to … because I want …”
One of the most violent words human beings have ever developed
is should. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should have been more
sensitive.”
The word should comes directly from this game of violence that
implies there’s a good and a bad, a should and a shouldn’t. If you
don’t do the things you should do, you should be punished; if you
do the right things, you should be rewarded. This creates
enormous pain.
First of all, we talk very little if at all about what happened in the
past. I have found that talking about what happened in the past
not only doesn’t help healing, it often perpetuates and increase
pain. It’s like reliving the pain. This goes very much against what I
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was taught in my training in psychoanalysis, but I’ve learned over
the years that you heal by talking about what’s going on in the
moment, in the now. Certainly it’s stimulated by the past, and we
don’t deny how the past is affecting the present, but we don’t
“dwell” on it.
Sometimes I begin with empathy and say, “What’s still alive in you
as a result of what I have done?” See, we’re not going into the
past and talking about what I did, but about what’s alive in you
now that’s still there from what happened in the past. We want to
know what a person is feeling and needing at this moment.
Now, in contrast, when you go inside yourself and see what need of
yours was not met by the behavior. And when you are in touch with
that, you feel a different kind of suffering. You feel a natural
suffering, a kind of suffering that leads to learning and healing, not
to hatred of oneself, not to guilt.
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clear awareness of the life-enriching need behind everything we
do.
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denies choice, we give up the life in ourselves for a robot-like
mentality that disconnects us from our own core.
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RECEIVING EMPATHICALLY
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When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you,
without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold
you, it feels damn good… When I have been listened to and when I
have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way
and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble
become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem
irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is
heard. Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way
and move on.
Husband statement: “What good does talking to you do? You never
listen.”
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Paraphrasing
After we focus our attention and hear what others are observing,
feeling, and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their
life’s, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have
understood.
b) How others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings:
“Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more
appreciation of your efforts than you received?”
Incorrect paraphrasing:
Don’t ask for information without sensing the speaker’s reality. I’ve
found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain
the information we seek.
Pieces of advice
Sustaining empathy
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We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when:
a) we sense a release of the tension.
b) the flow of words comes to a halt.
Example:
The Situation is a cancer dying husband, wife and NVC nurse,
talking about the physical therapist.
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Nurse: Are you sad, wishing the two of you could support each
other and feel more connected?
Wife: Yes. (She pauses, then make a request) Talk to him the
way you talk to me.
Nurse: (wishing to clearly understand the need that is being
addressed behind the wife’s request) Are you wanting him
to be listened to in a way that helps him express what
he’s feeling inside?
Wife: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it! I want him to feel comfortable
talking and I want to know what he is feeling.
Using the nurse’s guess, the wife is able to first become aware of
what she wanted and then find the words to articulate it. This is a
key moment: often it is difficult for people to identify what they
want in a situation, even though they may know what they don’t
want. We see how a clear request –“Talk to him the way you talk
to me”- is a gift that empowers the other person. The nurse is now
able to act in a way she knows to be in harmony with the wife’s
wishes. This alters the atmosphere in the room, us the nurse and
the wife now “work together,” both in a compassionate mode.
The words “good” and “bad” are often used to describe feelings
when people have yet to identify the specific emotion they are
experiencing. Expressing his feelings more precisely would help
him with the emotional connection he is seeking with his wife.
Notice the nurse’s incorrect guess does not hamper the continued
flow of dialogue.
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Nurse: Do you feel angry about dying?
She is aware that dying patients often hang on due to worry over
those they are leaving behind. Patients sometimes need the
reassurance that love ones can accept their death before they can
let themselves go.
Nurse: Do you want to hear how your wife feels when you say
that?
Husband: Yes.
Examples
“You aren’t God!”
“Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit that
there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?” – NVC
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“I am furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need
him.”
“You think he should be around more than he is?” – receiving only
her thoughts
“So you’re feeling furious because you would like him to be around
more than he is? – NVC
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While we may easily empathize with our peers and those in less
powerful positions, we may find ourselves being defensive or
apologetic, instead of empathic, in the presence of those we
identify as our “superiors.” It’s harder to empathize with those who
appear to possess more power, status or resources.
People who seem like monsters are simply human beings whose
language and behavior sometimes keep us from seeing their
humanness.
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One student told me, “I was honest with one of my teachers. I said
I didn’t understand, and I asked her, ‘Would you please explain it
again?’ and the teacher said, ‘Don’t you listen? I’ve explained it
twice already.”
Notice this doesn’t requires that we agree with the other person. It
doesn’t mean we have to like what they’re saying. It means that
we give them this precious gift of our presence, to be present at
this moment to what’s alive in them.
If you are feeling you are losing connection, take a deep, deep
breath and bring your attention back to the other person, saying,
“So you’re feeling…” and “you’re needing…” to try to connect again.
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If the other person say something else, and again you get
triggered, slow down and tale a deep breath to be able to keep
coming back to what is alive in the other person.
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cause of anger. Even if we are not initially conscious of it, the cause
of anger is located in our own thinking.
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Then we identify the thoughts that are making us angry, our
judgmental thoughts.
Then we take the next step and connect to the needs behind that
those thoughts. For example, if I judge someone to be racist, the
need may be for inclusion, equality, respect or connection.
To fully express ourselves, we now open our mouth and speak the
anger –but the anger has been transformed into needs and need-
connected feelings.
“When you entered the room and started talking to the others and
didn’t say anything to me and then made the comment about white
people, I felt really sick to my stomach, and got scared; it
triggered off all kind of needs on my part to be treated equally. I’d
like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this.”
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To practice NVC we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before
we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all.
Learning the process and applying it both take time.
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We are not asking what we don’t want them to do. And second
question:
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If you look at the research you will see that, yes, most children and
employees work harder when they’re praised and complimented…
but only for a very short time. It last until they sense the
manipulation, that this is not gratitude from the heart. And when
people sense the manipulation, the production no longer stays
high.
To make clear how our life has been enriched, we need to say three
things to people, and praise and compliments don’t make these
three things clear:
Example:
After a Nonviolent Communication meeting a woman came an
express her gratitude to me.
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Receiving appreciation
“What appreciation might someone give you that would leave you
jumping for joy?”
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Women will believe that nice women have no needs; thy sacrifice
their needs for their family. Brave men have no needs; they’re
willing to lose their lives to protect the king’s property. At the same
time we developed this way of thinking, of judging one another in
ways that imply that reward is justified and punishment is justified.
We created judicial systems based on retributive justice that
reinforce the idea that reward and punishment are deserved. I
believe that this way of thinking and behaving is at the core of
violence on our planet.
These gangs control the schools, and many of them want the
teachers to teach students that there’s right and wrong, a good
and a bad. They want schools to make student work for rewards so
they can be hired later on to work eight hours a day for forty years
of their life doing meaningless tasks.
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Where did this language come from? Where did the predominance
of moralistic judgments and the tactics of punishment and reward
come from? Why do we use them? We learn these tactics because
they support certain gang behaviors.
For example look at our schools. Our schools are doing what they
were set up to do, which is to support gang behavior. Which gang?
In this case it’s the economic-structure gang, the people who
control our business. They control our schools, and they have three
historical goals:
It’s the structure that’s the problem, not individuals. Teachers and
administrators within the schools are not enemies. They genuinely
want to contribute to children’s well-being. There are no enemies
here. It’s the gang structure we have set up to maintain our
economy.
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What about other big gangs? Along with the schools, another major
area of change for us is with the judicial system, with the
government gangs that operate the legal system. I hope that by
now everybody is aware of the failure of the punitive structures
that are part of our judicial system. There need to be a transition
from retributive justice to restorative justice.
Example:
A person might have been raped. Instead of simply punishing this
person for doing it, it is established by agreement on both sides
that restorative justice in prison will be attempted.
I start by helping the person who has been victimized express the
pain they’ve been experienced. And it’s often deep. Very deep. This
might be a woman who’s been raped who screams pretty strong
things at this person: “I’d like you to die. I want you to be
tortured. You know, you’re a pig.”
Then I help the person who did this connect empathically with the
suffering of the other person, really just to hear the depth of what
that person has suffered.
The first thing they want to do is apologize. They say, “I’m sorry.
You know…”
I interrupt and say, “No, hold it. Remember what I say before. I
want empathy first. I want you to show her that you fully
understand the depth of her suffering. Can you repeat back her
feelings and needs?”
They can’t. I say, “Let me repeat it.” And I transform all what she
said into her feelings and needs. Then I help the other person hear
it. The person who has been raped is experiencing understanding
from the person who did it.
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Then I help him mourn for what he did. Not apologize; that’s too
easy. I help him go inside and look at what he feels when he sees
the suffering of this other person. That requires going deeply into
oneself. It’s very painful, but it’s a healing kind of pain.
In a discussion, once both sides get over the enemy image and
recognize each other’s needs, it’s amazing how the next part,
which is looking for strategies to meet everyone’s needs become
pretty easy by comparison. It’s getting past the enemy images
that’s the hard work.
Example:
I once was asked to help mediate a conflict between two tribes in
northern Nigeria.
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Right away, There was two diagnosis with enemy images. Our
training shows that all criticisms, judgments, and enemy images
are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
Marshall: “Would somebody from this side of the table please tell
me back what the chief said his needs were?”
Chief B: “Why did you kill my son?”
Marshall: “Chief, we’ll deal with that issue soon. For the
moment, would you be willing to tell me what the first
chief’s feelings and needs are?”
Marshall: “Now that you hear what the needs are of the other
side, I’d like you to tell me your needs.”
Chief B: “They have been trying to dominate us for a long time,
and we’re not going to put up with it anymore.”
Marshall: “Are you upset because you have a strong need for
equality in this community?”
Chef B: “Yes.”
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I had to repeat that at least another two times before they were
able to see that the other side had anger related to a need for
equality that wasn’t being met.
At the end, they could see that you don’t need weapons to resolve
conflicts when you know how to connect clearly with each other’s
needs.
The fact remains that when people get connected to the needs
behind the anger, frustration, and violence, they move into a
different world. They’re in the world that Rumi, the thirteen-
century Sufi mystic and poet talks about:
• Ask the one who is talking “Can you tell me, when you
brought up the discussion, what response you were
wanting from the group?”
• Ask the group if their needs were being met by the current
discussion.
Example:
I helped a team that was going into unproductive discussions and
ask me for help.
The meeting began with a man who had clipped an article out of
the newspaper. And then for the next ten minutes everybody was
talking about things that happened to them in the past, what a
racist system it was, and so forth.
Marshall: “Could I break in here? I’d like to ask you all to raise
your hand if you have found the meeting productive to
this point.”
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Not one hand went up –not even by those individuals who had told
stories. So I went back to the gentleman who had started the
conversation and said,
Marshall: “Sir, can you tell me your request of the group? What
did you want back from the group when you read that
article from the newspaper?”
Man: “Well, I thought it was important –that it was
interesting.”
Marshall: “I’m sure you thought it was interesting, but you’re
telling me what you think. I’m asking what you wanted
back from the group…”
Man: “I don’t know what I wanted.”
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NOTES
You are furious and would appreciate …?
Sounds like you are feeling desperate and you’re wondering …. Am
I hearing you right?
Are you reacting to my not having said… ?
Are you feeling… because you would have like …?
Resolving conflicts
“Whoever want to start, I’d like to know what needs of yours are
not being met in this situation. If we can identify everybody’s
needs, and everybody can express their needs clearly, I’m certain
we’ll find strategies for getting everybody’s needs met. So, who
wants to start?”
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WORKSHOP DISCUSSION
Quality of connection
NVC is a combination of thinking and language, that allows us to
create the quality of connection with other people and oneself that
enables compassionate giving to take place. It’s compassionate in
that our giving comes willingly from the heart. We are giving
service to others and ourselves –not out of duty or obligation, not
out of fear of punishment or hope for a reward, not out of guilt or
shame, but for what I consider part of our nature. It’s in our nature
to enjoy giving to one another.
Judgments
Instead of attributing the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s
adversaries, we do our best to think of oneself or others in terms
of human needs and vulnerability –what one might be feeling,
fearing, yearning for, missing, etc.
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particular needs and expectations in that moment. It’s not what
other people do that can hurt you: it’s how you take it.
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Observing without evaluating
When we make an observation about what other people do that we
either like or don’t like, say that without mixing in any evaluation.
That means, when we try to tell people what they’ve done, we
want to go directly to the behavior without mixing in a diagnosis,
judgment or evaluation.
The problem with people who are in touch with their needs is that
they do not make good slaves. We are used to analyze and blame
one another rather than clearly expressing what we need. When
people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s
wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet
everybody’s needs is greatly increased.
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Emotional liberation
We respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of
fear, guilt, or shame. We accept full responsibility for our own
intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others.
At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs
at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating
clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally
concerned that the needs of the others be fulfilled.
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Learning from our limitations
“Learn to analyze any situation only once for the purposes of
learning new lessons. If you are thinking about a mistake over and
over again, then you need to stop! You should not even call it a
mistake. Call it feedback. “1
Sometimes I begin with empathy and say, “What’s still alive in you
as a result of what I have done?” See, we’re not going into the
past and talking about what I did, but about what’s alive in you
now that’s still there from what happened in the past. We want to
know what a person is feeling and needing at this moment.
1“The Secret Behind the Secret, How to clear your path to greater manifestations” -
Dr. Eric Amidi
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Paraphrasing
Reflect back what we have understood by paraphrasing back in the
form of questions that reveal our understanding focusing on the
feelings and needs the other person is expressing as well as their
specific request. When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is
highly important. When they heard themselves reflected back,
people are likely to be sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism or
sarcasm.
Sustaining empathy
No matter how people respond, we try to connect with what’s alive
in them and what would make life more wonderful for them. Notice
this doesn’t requires that we agree with the other person. It
doesn’t mean we have to like what they’re saying.
If you are feeling you are losing connection, take a deep, deep
breath and bring your attention back to the other person, saying,
“So you’re feeling…” and “you’re needing…” to try to connect again.
If the other person say something else, and again you get
triggered, slow down and tale a deep breath to be able to keep
coming back to what is alive in the other person.
Try to begin with empathic connection with the needs they’re trying
to meet by doing what they’re doing and, once we’ve understood
that and reflect it back, I suggest looking for other ways of meeting
their needs that are more effective and less costly.
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Expressing gratitude
The intention by expressing gratitude is all-important: to celebrate
life, nothing else. We’re not trying to reward the other person. We
want the other person to know how our life has been enriched by
what they did. That’s our only intent.
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10 STEPS TO PEACE
(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would
like to relate to ourselves and others.
(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not
being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of
thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.
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