Marriage?

Not now: The rise of 'waithood' in Indonesia

An increasing number of Indonesian millennial women are embracing the concept of "waithood" by
choosing to delay their marriage.

The term "waithood" was first coined at the end of 2007 by Diane Singerman, a professor at American
University in Washington, D.C., in her research on Middle Eastern youth. The phenomenon itself is
nothing new, especially in developed countries where education is readily available to girls and women.

"From a sociological perspective, waithood is one of the hallmarks of postmodern society. People are
trying to break the old-fashioned way of thinking and revise some of the orders of modernity. They are
open to new perspectives, including marriage," said Maflahah, a junior researcher at Sekolah Riset
(Research School) in Surakarta.

Individual freedom of choice, as well as opportunities for higher education and self-actualization, make
the postponement of marriage more attractive to many women today.

Society is changing its views about women and marriage as well. For example, men like Ferdinand
Mubarak, who works as an indoor playground tenant leader, believe that waithood is the absolute right
of women.

"In terms of rights, regardless of gender, people should have full control over their bodies, so it's okay if
you decide on waithood. There could be internal reasons for women such as productivity, reproduction
and financial issues," said the 28-year-old.

Valentina Tifanny Rianto, a corporate banking VP at a multinational bank in South Jakarta, shares a
similar view. "There's always more than just a single explanation for every choice. Plus, everyone has
their own timing."

Inflicted by personal trauma

Dessyati, a 50-year-old housewife from Surabaya, decided to let her 26-year-old daughter enjoy more
time alone.

"She's constantly in doubt whether she can really spend her life with a stranger. She's afraid that her
child won't have a good father figure or that she will become the breadwinner, just like me."

Dessyati's daughter's case is a typical example, but marriage failure among peers can also affect one's
perspective. While waithood seems to be a growing trend, youth marriage is even more common in the
country.

Although some may believe that it only happens in rural areas with low household education levels,
youth marriage is still happening even among urbanites — even among celebrities. As a result, more
young people are exposed to marital problems early via their peers' marriage.

"When I turned 22, I felt like everything and everyone around me was running, hustling with life goals,
such as getting married or having a baby, but apparently they are not ready for the 'surprise'," said
Helenna Rizki Nur Islami, a freelancer and entrepreneur in Semarang.

For Helenna, who was raised by a single mother alongside her now divorced sister, waithood is an
inevitable outcome from her own trauma. "I was kind of hesitating and wasn't ready — emotionally and
financially. Due to certain situations in my life, I feel like dealing and managing many things around me
that need to be fixed comes first."

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Marriage? Not now: The rise of 'waithood' in IndonesiaJP STAFF

THE JAKARTA POST

PREMIUM Jakarta / Tue, October 19, 2021 / 08:00 am

Free to decide: More Indonesian millennials are choosing to delay their marriage. (Unsplash/Adita
Saxena) (Unsplash/Aditya Saxena)

An increasing number of Indonesian millennial women are embracing the concept of "waithood" by
choosing to delay their marriage.

The term "waithood" was first coined at the end of 2007 by Diane Singerman, a professor at American
University in Washington, D.C., in her research on Middle Eastern youth. The phenomenon itself is
nothing new, especially in developed countries where education is readily available to girls and women.

"From a sociological perspective, waithood is one of the hallmarks of postmodern society. People are
trying to break the old-fashioned way of thinking and revise some of the orders of modernity. They are
open to new perspectives, including marriage," said Maflahah, a junior researcher at Sekolah Riset
(Research School) in Surakarta.

Individual freedom of choice, as well as opportunities for higher education and self-actualization, make
the postponement of marriage more attractive to many women today.
Society is changing its views about women and marriage as well. For example, men like Ferdinand
Mubarak, who works as an indoor playground tenant leader, believe that waithood is the absolute right
of women.

"In terms of rights, regardless of gender, people should have full control over their bodies, so it's okay if
you decide on waithood. There could be internal reasons for women such as productivity, reproduction
and financial issues," said the 28-year-old.

Valentina Tifanny Rianto, a corporate banking VP at a multinational bank in South Jakarta, shares a
similar view. "There's always more than just a single explanation for every choice. Plus, everyone has
their own timing."

In time: Valentina Tifanny believes that marriage is not the ultimate goal and needs very careful
consideration.(Valentina Tifanny) (Personal archive/Courtesy of Valentina Tifanny)

Inflicted by personal trauma

Dessyati, a 50-year-old housewife from Surabaya, decided to let her 26-year-old daughter enjoy more
time alone.

"She's constantly in doubt whether she can really spend her life with a stranger. She's afraid that her
child won't have a good father figure or that she will become the breadwinner, just like me."

Dessyati's daughter's case is a typical example, but marriage failure among peers can also affect one's
perspective. While waithood seems to be a growing trend, youth marriage is even more common in the
country.

Although some may believe that it only happens in rural areas with low household education levels,
youth marriage is still happening even among urbanites — even among celebrities. As a result, more
young people are exposed to marital problems early via their peers' marriage.
"When I turned 22, I felt like everything and everyone around me was running, hustling with life goals,
such as getting married or having a baby, but apparently they are not ready for the 'surprise'," said
Helenna Rizki Nur Islami, a freelancer and entrepreneur in Semarang.

For Helenna, who was raised by a single mother alongside her now divorced sister, waithood is an
inevitable outcome from her own trauma. "I was kind of hesitating and wasn't ready — emotionally and
financially. Due to certain situations in my life, I feel like dealing and managing many things around me
that need to be fixed comes first."

Not rattled by the rush: Helenna Rizki learns from her inner circle not to rush when it comes to marriage.
(Helenna Rizki) (Personal archive/Courtesy of Helenna Rizki)

Named as the generation that can accurately match their financial needs to their actual capabilities by
the international financial company Robocash Group, financial issues have become the main obstacle for
millennials to pop the question. Even when they finally conquer the budgetary hurdle, modern women
have more awareness of emotional welfare.

Such is the case for Valentina. Emotional fulfillment is her primary consideration at this time. "Marriage
is not the final goal in life — it is a starting point of a companionship, committing to a teammate to share
one vision on life. Instead of searching for someone to make us happy, I'd rather make myself happy first
and then share it with someone who shares the same values as me," she said.

Staying on track

Valentina enjoys her current single life, especially since her closest peers and family don't pressure her
to do otherwise. "It's better to take a step at a time rather than rush into a reckless relationship," she
believes. "But I still do have a target [for when to marry]."

Helenna, on the other hand, admitted that the pressure sometimes got into her head. "Questions like
'Isn't it your turn? When are you getting married? If you don't get married, how can you have a child?'
are still considered normal these days, and no one will contemplate whether such a question is rude or
insensitive. But obviously, I don't want to make the same mistakes as my parents."

The Demak-born woman said she had no plans to marry any time soon, at least not for the next three or
four years. "I have no plans for marriage, and no one has made me want to marry because, for me, I
marry the person not the 'concept' of marriage."

"My extended family said my daughter was a ‘spinster’ [for being unmarried after reaching 25 years of
age]. They even advised that she go for a mandi kembang [a flower bath ritual believed to create
positive energy and act as an aphrodisiac]," laughed Dessyati. "I don't care, their comments don't upset
me. It’s my daughter’s life. If the marriage turns out to be problematic, will others help lighten her
burden? Surely not."

Maflahah suggests that some delay in marriage has no harmful consequences for society. "[What can
potentially be a] problem is if many millennials choose not to get married. It can be dangerous because
it is related to the existing sociocultural structure," she said. "If millennials don't get married, it means
that there could be a population decline, especially in the young and productive age group."

"Marriage still has important values both religiously and socially. In Indonesia, it is still supported by a
strong religious and sociocultural structure regarding marriage. So, millennials will still marry, only the
time limit has shifted," she added.