I B R ETT O V O CA L Boo x

•TflE BROADIIAY hUSltAl •

Based upon the New Line Cinema film o ritten rind c4irected by Jotan \/raters

Book by Mark O’Donnell end Thomas Meehan

Mn.«ic bq Marc Shaiman
i_yrics bi¿ Scott Wittman rind Marc Shaiman

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421 West 54tli Street New York NY 10019 (212) 541-4684
 TRA CY TU R N B LA D

COkMYCOLLTMS
TAMMY
EDN A
BRAD
PEN BY PI NG LETON
FEN DER
VELMA VOC TUSSLE

AMBER VON TUSSLE

SKETCH
LINK LARKIN
SHELLEY
SEAWEED J. STUBBS
IQ
LITTLE INEZ
LOU ANN
RJOTORMOUTH MAYBELLE

V\/lLBU R TURNBLAD
JU DINE

PRUDY SINGLETON KAMILAH

MU. PIN KY
SHAYNA
GYM TEACHER

HARRIMAN F. SPRITZER
STUDENTS

MATRON
SPECIAL ED KIDS
GILBERT
COOKERS
S3 OOIE
BEATNIK CHICK
CINDY WATKINS
GUAWD
LOIIRA 1 NE
ETC.
DUAME

TRIAD
M Lt S I C A f. N u in a F /t S

Acr 1
A. Pri›ii›yiir.................................................................................................1
I. Guoc/ M‹iriiiny Bn/firi›‹›re............................................................................................7
?. T/ir Nic‹•st KiJs lit Tof‹›/t............................................................................................4
2‹t. Ni‹°rs/ Ki‹fs Bif»t/*cr Out...........................................................................................J
2l›. C‹›/›ft/ Cc//iiis (U/tJrrs orr)................................................................................y
3. Tlte Nrtt› Cirl lit Tuz‹»t..................................................................................10
4. Ma»tn, /'›// A Biy Gii/ Nowt›......................................................................................IJ
4‹z. Biy C irl flniloff.......................................................................................................17
5. f Can Henr Tlle Balls.....................................................................................................18
5. Miss bnltitiim r Crnt›s ..............................................................,...............,..,.......2?
6n. Trn»si/i‹›n be Detc/› fini›..........................................................................................24
7. D‹*tcn tiu/i Tc Hc/› (Lfm/ri seen’) .......,........,.........................................,.....,......25
8. T/ir MnJ‹sniz ,..,.......................,.........................................................................27
9. T/ir Nices/ Kims 2eprisr.............,........................................................................J0
31. // Tnkes Tu›o............................................................................................................J4
11n. FrJi›/‹i's 2rrr›ig‹•....................................................................................................J 7
1?. Welcoiite To The 60'.•.............................................................................................40

11. 2u»u›1‹f Tf«+£.............................................................................S0

lan. irtyBo gi ....................................................................................................
1#. Ltd, B t......................................................6

Acv2
hn. E tr’n..................................................................66
15. T ’bi‹ D ff-f *........................................................66
Min. D‹›lI}-f use' c ‹›/..........................................................70
16. Bafti Ecpri*..............................................................................................
17.}’ot‹’›’‹' t 44 T t› A/l(’..........................................................7
17«. i› s E‹’i.sr..............................................................7

f1n. ii//t‹›i/t L‹›r‹• I*Inyo/...................................................................................S7

IN. f K/f‹›‹V W/tr/°‹ /'rc B‹‹bit..................,......,................................,................,.........90
?0. (It's) Hnirs|›riii/................................................................................................. 92

- 1V -
- V -
 C H A ii A C T E It S Bâ SON G

ACT 1
l . Good Mt›rning Baltiiriore..........................................................................TRACY & COM PANY

2. The Nicest Kids I n Tow n ..........................................................COR NY COLL I NS ‹k COM PANY

fi. Ma ma, I’m A Biy Girl Now...............EDM A, TRACY, PEN NY, VELM A, AMBER dt COM PANY
5. 1 Co n Hear The Bells......,............................................................................TRACY 8t CUM PANY
6. Miss Ba ltiniore Crabs .................................................................................................,.........VELMA
9. The Nicest Kids 1 n Tow n- Reprise................................................COR NY COLL I NS & COM P.4 NY
1‘l. lt Ta kes Two............................................................................................. LI N K, TRACY dt lvlEN
41a, Veliria’s Rex'enge .......................................................................................................,.......VELMA
12. Welcome To The 60’s .....,....................................................................TRACY, EDNA & COM PAN Y
12C. Hear The Bells — Red rise................................................................................................................LINK
’13. Run And Tell That ......................................................SEAWEED, LITTLE INEZ, & COMPANY
14. Big, Blonde & Beautiful..................................MOTORMOUTH, TRACY, EDNA dt COMPANY

Acr 2
IN. The Big Dollhouse........................................................................................................................\VOM EN
5a. Doll house Playoff................................................................................ M ATRON & COMPANY
16. Good Morning Baltimore — Reprise.......................................................................................TRACY
4 7. Ytiu’re Timeless To Me...............................................................................................EDNA & Wl LBUR
17a. Timeless — Re rise.....................................................................................................EDNA & W IL BU R
18. Without Love.................................................TRACY, LINK, PENNY, SEAWEED & COMPANY
18a. Wi tlaout Love Play off ...........................................................................................„..COM PANY
19. I Know Where I’ve Been................................................................MOTORMOUTH ‹k COMPANY
20. (It’s) Hairs{ ray ...................,.......................................................COC NY COLLINS ‹k COMPANY
21. Cooties............................................................................................AMBER & COU NClL MEM BERS
22. You Can’t Stop The Beat — Part 1......................................................................ENTliiE COMPANY
23. You Can’t Stok› The Beat — Part 2......,.,.....................,......................................ENTIRE COMPANY
24. Boros .............................................,...............................................................ENTIRE COMPANY

— V) -
 H n i /: 3 r fi n r — -

ACT 0 N E

TRA CY
OH, OH, OH,
WOKE UP TODAY
FEELING TI IE WAY I ALWAYS DO
OI 1, Ot I, OI 1,
I IU NG HY FOR SOMETIII NG TH AT I CAN’T EAT
THEN I HEAR TH E BEAT

THAT RHYTHM OF TOW N

STAIITS CAL LI VG ME DOWN
IT’S LIKE A MESSAGE FIIOM HIGH ABOVE
OH, OH, OH
PULLING ME O UT
TO THE SMILES AN D THE STILE ETS THAT 1
LO¥’E
EN SE MB L E (BAC KU P)
TRACY
GOOD MORNING 6ALTIMORE
GOOD MORN UG BALTIMORE
EVERY DAY’S LIKE AN OPEN DOOR

EVERY NH UT IS A F/\ NTASY

FA NTASY
EVERY SOUND’S LIKE A SYMPI IONY

GOOD MORN ING B ALTI MORE

GOOD MORN ING BA LTIMORE
AND SOME DAY
\V HEN I TA KE TO TH E FLOOR
OOH - OOH
TI IE DVO II L D’S GOD N A MAKE U I’ /‘\ N D
AA H - .SEE — EE
SEE BA LTl lxl OIIE AN D ME

OH, OI—I, OH,

HOOT
LOOK AT MY HAIR
HOO - OOT
W UAT “DCS” CAN COMl’ARE
W lTH MINE TODAY?
..h4l NE TO DAY
 (T RACY) ( E N SE M B L E)
OII, OIL, GI [.
I'V E GOT MY I I/\ I RSP UAE IN D RA DI
O l'M HEA DC TO GO

THE II ATS ON THE STIG EET

A LL DANCE IIOU ND HY FEET
THEY SEEM TO S/\Y
TRACY, IT’S U P TO YOU . U P TO YO U

SO, Ol4, Ol I
DON’T 1 IOLD ME BACK
CAUSE TOD AY .TODAY
ALL MY DC EAMS WILL CO ME TRUE ALL MY DRE A MS WILL COM E TRR E

GOOD MORNING D ALTIMORE GOOD MORN ING BALTI MO RE

THERE’S THE FLASHEII
WHO LIV ES N EXT DOOII AA H - AAH
THE HE'S TH E B U M
ON HIS BAR IIOOM STOO L . BAk I?OOM STOOL
THEY \V ISH ME LUCK OF MY WAY TO SCHOOL

GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE GOOD MORNING BALTIMOPSE

AND SOME DAY
WHEN 1 TAKE TO Tl IE FLOOR
TI IE WORLD’S GONNA MAKE UP AND SEfi
SEE—EE
B A LTIMORE AND TIE

I KNOW EVERY STEP HOOT

HOO-OOT
1 KNOW E VEII\’ LONG

1 KNO¥V THERE’S A PUC E

WHEIIE I BELONG W'H ERE I B ELO NG
1 SEE ALL 4 HE PA IITY LlG1 ITS
SHIN I NC AI tEAD
SQL SOKt EGNE INV ITE k4E
BEFORE I DROP DE AD
 (Tlt ACY) (ENSEMBL
E) R EFOHE SI tE DPRO PS
SO, Oil, OH, DEAD OOl I
GI VE ME A Cf4/\NCE
’CAUSE WHEN I START TO DANCE

1’M A MO V IE STA MOV[ E ST \ It

II OH, OH, OH
SOMETH IN G 1 NSt DE OF ME
MAKES ME MOVE M A K ES ME MOV E
WI-iEN I HEAII THAT GROOVE WHEN I HEAII THAT G TOO V E

MY MA TELLS ME NO OOH - OOH

BUT MY FEET TELL ME GO
IT’S LIKE A DRU4I MER OOT1
INSIDE MY I IEA RT .SIDE MY AEA RT

OH, OH, OH
DON’T MAKE ME WAIT
ONE MORE MOMENT ONE MORE S4OMENT
FOIL MY LIFE TO .STA IT FO II MY LINE TO
STAIIT

GOOD MORN ING

I LOVE YOU BALTI MORE
EVERY DAY’.S LIKE AN OPEN DOOR
EVERY NIG i IT I.8 A FA NTASY
EVERY SOUND’S LIKE A SYM PI IONY
GOOD MORNING
¥VAITI NG FOR MY LIFE TO START
I LOVE YOU BALTIMORE
AAI I - AAI 1...... FANTASY

AN D I PROMISE BALTI MORE

THAT SOME DAY I PROM HE BALTI MOR E
WHEN I TA KE TO TH E FLOOR
THE ¥VOII LD’S GON N A \VA KE U I’ AN D TAKE TO TH E FLOO I?
SEE GONN A WAIT E U P L SEE WAIT......SEE
BALTI MO I? E AN D R‘I GON N A WAK E U P A SEE

E BALTI MO HE AN D YES, NtO HE OR LESS \V E ?\ LL AGREE

ME BALTI MO HE A N D SODI ED AY TI IE YVOULD IS GON N A

ME SEE
.....AN D M L......
 ACT ONE - SCE N E ON E

4 2 — Th e N i c e s t bids In Town

CO R NY
E N SE M B L E (B AC KU P)
I I cy there, Tecna gc Bal tirnorc! Dean’ t c!
4a ia to tlaa t claa n net! ‘Ca u se it’s ti rue
for the Corn v Ccall ins Slao w! B rou flat
to you by Ultra Clu tcJa FJairspla y! For Oi4-OO-OO-OO-tJO-OO-OO-OO
hair that hot c4S u}o even in a NASA iv inc4
th nnel! NOOT I I OOT IIOOT IN OO-OOT

EV’HY AFTERNOON
\/VHEN THE CLOCK STR I KES FOUR

A CRAZY BUNCI t OF KIDS

CRASI I TI IROUCI I TI I \T DOOR BOP- BEE- HA, BA BA BA- BA, B EE- BA

THEY TT1ROV\* OFF TI IEIR COATS

AND LEAVE THE SQUARES BE H I ND TOP-SEE—BA, BA-BA—BA-6A, BEE-6A
AND THEN THEY SHAKE IT, OF‘-OOT
SHA KE IT, SHA K E IT \VHOO!. OW-OOT
LI KE TI—IEY’ HE LOSING TH LH MIND
YOU’LL NE VE R SEE THEM FHOW N
CA USE TH EY’HE OF—OOT, O\V-OOT
THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN

EVEPY AFTERNOON ....NICEST KIDS IN TOWN

YNU TURN YOUII T. V. ON

AND WE KNOW YOU

TURN TI IE SOUND U P NA, NA, NA, NA, NO, NA-EA-NA-NA

AND TH EN YOU
I
T\V1ST AN D S HOU T
fiC4II YOU II FAVO IiITE STA IN
OG I-I
 (COR N Y) (BACKUP)
A N D OF CE ¥'G U' Y' E
I'll ACTI CED EV EIiY STEP
TI I AT"3 I N \ OUR HE PE INTO IR
E YOU B ETTEI7 COL1E IN DOWN
AN D MEET THE
N1 CEST KIDS I N TOSVN ...... N I CE.8T KI DS IN TOWN

TRACY
Hurry, Penny, hurry' - the show’s already startect! We’re s • nna miss it!
P EN N Y
1’ir h u rrying, Tracy, but my mother says 1’in not wallowed to perspire!

TRACY

PRU DY
Edna, is my lau nd ry reac4y?
ED N A

Who wa nts to know? Sure it is, h un. Come on tip. That'll be three c4 olla rs.

P RU OY
(digiii i •• iii licr y II l ie)
That's pretty {Pricey for a few pairs of pettipants.
ED NA
I’in sorry, Prtidy Pingleton, but there ere some extra charges. Some of \•our
personal stains iequired pounding on a rock.

TRACY

I’in hone!
ED NA
Four o’clock. G tress 1 exon’ I need to ‹ask o° ho Not c4etention again. Tracy Turnblacl,
mined \’our manner-s and say hello to our uecst.
T lt A CY
Hello, Mrs. Pingleton.

ED N A
And you, Penny?
 PE N NY
Hello, Mrs Singleton. ..1 mean... mother

ED N A

Teena gers. They just love u'.etching that Corny Collins.

P RU DY
Delinquents. It ain’t right dancing to that colorec4 music.
ED NA
Don’t be silly, it airi’ I colored. The TV’s black and white.

CO RNY
B A CKU P
NICE \VHITE KIDS
IOO - I IOO
WHO LIKE TO LEAD THE WAY
I IOO - I IOO
AN D ONCE A MONTN
IIOO I IOO
WE HAVE OUT NEGRO DAY!
.NEGRO DAY
AND I’M TI IE MAN
A AH, A
WHO KEEPS IT SPINNING ROUND
HH AHH
MISTER CORNY COLLINS
WITH THE LATEST, GREATEST HU H! HU H! \VOOO
BALTIMORE SOUND!! ......SOU — OUN D

SO EV'HY AFTEfi NOON

DfIOI° EV EIIYTHI NG
TOP- BE-BA, BA—BA—BE-BA, BE-EA
S4 I I NEEDS TO READ AND V\*PvITE
WHEN YOU CAN DANCE AND GHG
BOP —BE-BA, BA—BA-B ¥—EA, BE-BA
FORGET ABOUT YOUR ALGEBPSA OW - OOT
z\ND CALCULUS i IOOT, O¥V—OOT
YCiU CAT ALWAYS DO 5“OUII I IO MF\VORK
ON THE M ORNING BUS
CAN’T TELL A VERB FROM A NOUN
TI—I EY’HE TH E NICEST K I DS I N TOWN

conNv Ic I D S
ROLL CALL!!
 AMB E R
I’M A M B E II!

B RA D
BRED!
W AM M W
TAlvl MY!
FENDER

BRENDA
BHEL DA!

SI(ET CH
SKETCH!

SHEL L EY
SHELLEY!

IQ
IQ!

LO U AN N
LOU ANN!
L I NK
A nd 1’ m...LINK!

T RA CY
Oh, Link, kiss me again ‹onc4 again.

ED N A
Turn that racket down. I'm trying to iron in here.
G I R LS

(S r renm)

A \H

CO R NY B ACK UP
SO, IF EV’HY NIGI IT â OU’It E SI IAKI A7tH
NG
A7 H
85 V/ U LIE IN BED
MON Y—MO NY, LULD14, TION Y— MONY
AAH, AAH, AA II, AA IN
 (CO It NY) (B AC K U P)
WHO CAItES ABOUT ?LEEf'
W I t EN YCiU C \ N SNOOZE IN SCH GB L

HOOT, OW - OO F
TH EY' LL N E VEU G ET TO CO
LLEG E B UT THEY SURE LOOK
COOL O\Y - OOT O\V - OOT

DO N’T NEED A CAP AND A GOI4 N

CAUSE TI IEY’PPE TI IE . N IC EST KIDS IN TOWN
NICEST KIDS IN TOWN

THEY’RE THE
NICEST, NICEST
THEY’RE THE
OH-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO
N ICEST, NICEST
THEY’flE THE .....K1D?S IN
SLIGAII AN D SPICE-EST, THE N ICEST KIDS IN KlDS IN TO\4 N — HOOT!
KIDS I N TOWN
C O RNY
Yeah! And that was otir neon chance of the week — the “Stricken Chicken.” We’ll be
right back.

# 2 o — N i c e s I Ki d s B um ye r O u I

V E LMA
And we’re off! All right, peo le, how many times do I leave to tell y•ou - We do
NOT touch ourselves - anywhere - while on ca mer‹a. Tommy, lose the ac4ding. You too,
Fender.

Anc4 Li iâ k, o top flogging the camera; ou’re not hl vis yet. Amber. . . H eg the carrier-a.

A MB E R
Yes, mother.

V E L IVt A
A nc4 YOU, M r. Cecil i ras! to ne of th<a I Detro it sou ncl toc4 ‹ay. \’c›u tea e sconaetli in p
against Connie Francis?
 —q-

V E LM A

LINK
A rnber, l’ve got something for you.
(‹›|fcrs fIlS i’iny)
l figured, since iVe’ve been going together sort of...steadily... m.ajbe we slaoulc4 iiaakc
it official.
AM B E R
Oh, Link. Your Council Member ring. How sweet. Ariel it matches try hair color exactly.
(THE ¥ ki.•.•.)

V E LM A

CO RNY
Now don’t forget, guys and Gidgets - our very first prime-time spectacular is corning up
on June 6th. We’ll be live at Baltimore’s brand-new Eventoriuin broadcasting nationwide!
Talent scouts will be on hand from all of the major record labels, and s oonsoring the
event will be none other than our own ULTRA CLUTCH HAIRSPRAY. So, let’s give a
great big law •' •s ®altiinore salute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Harriinan P. Sparitzer.
. (SPRJTZ£R nert›oiisly sfr{›s exif ink n'ot›es io I/ie morn.)

S P RITZ E R
Ultra Clutch is happy to bring you fine youngsters to national attention.
AL L
/' Our L•ig bre•ik!
CO RN Y
Also, live on the special, we’ll be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspray
1962!
AMB E R
My big Area
k!
E D J"4 A
7 O -

T R A CY
(fo PE NNY)
I •uass Amber’s pretty (out she clan'I c4ance.
PEN NY
Plastic little spastic.

T RAC Y
Oh, no! I’m gonna Lil1 myself. Look! She’s wearing Link Larkin’s coiincil ring!

AMB E R

Hey, gang, don’I forget to match mom and me next Thursday on Mother-Daughter
Day. And I want to be your Miss Teenage Hairsp ‹ay. Remember, a •ote for me from
you is a vote for me.

C O RNY
What an unexpecfed ad lib, Amber. And speaking of expecting the unexpected, our
ow n fun leaving, freewheeling Brenda will tae taking a little leave of absence from the
show. How long w•ill you f•e gone, Brenda?
B REND A
Nine months.
CO R NY
So, it seems we’ll have an opening for a girl who is just as fun lov ing, but maybe not
quite as freewheeling. Wanna be ono of the nicest kids in town? Cut school
tomorrow and cotve on c4ocua to station WZZT to audition!

TRACY
Olimigod! It’s a c4 ream of a lifetime. I has e to go audition.
PENNY
Olamigod! It’s a dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch \ ou audition,
EDNA

That’ll be enough of that for one day. to one is ri ucJ itioninp fear ‹tiny think. There’ll be
no cutting school in this house,

PEN NY
But Ners. Turnblad...
ED N A
Penny, go tell your mother she wants you.
 PENNY
She chocs? 1 etter la u rry. Bye M rs. ’4 ui-nf›l a cl. B} e, Tracy.

W I L B UR
Whoa! R usla ho ur traffic! H iya I ac4 res. Since I go t that new eta ip men t of ex p lod rug
bubble Sum, business downstairs is booming! How are my two funny honeys?
ED NA
Oh, stop, V\/ilbur. You'i‘e the fu nny one.
T RA CY
Dadc4y; tomorrow l’rn auditioning to dance on a TV show.
EDNA
You’re going to leave to go further than that to get around rue, young laci y. No one’s
auditioning for anything. And what c4ic4 J tell you at out that hair? All ratted up like
a teenaged Jezebel.
T RA CY
Mother, you ate so fifties. Even our first lad y, Jackie B. Kennedv, rats leer hair.
EDNA
Yeala? Well, you ain’t no first lady, are ya? She’s a hair-hopper — that’s wheat she is.
And it Not her put in detention again.

Wilbur, talk to leer. G iris like Tracy... People like us... You know what I’m saying.
They don’t but eopole like us on television - Except to be laughed at.
WI L B UR
Tracy, this TV thing... You reall} want it?
TRACY
lt’s idly c4ream, daddy.
WI LB UR
Then ou go for it! This is America, Laabe. You gotta think big to be big.
EDNA
Being twig is riot the yoroblern, Wilbur.
W I L B UR
W)ien 1 w cas your ‹ake n4 y gnarents begged me to ru n away witli the ci rcus, but l sa ic4,
“No. 4 hat’s w hat } ou w‹ant. l 1iax'o dreams of md' own.” 1 c4rearnt of opening a chain
cat joke sloops worlc4w ic4e. to, okay, I’ve still only- got one, but some c4‹av, if 1 can
figure out how to kee[o the air from leaking out of my serta sizec4 Whoopee Cushion,
1'rn point tc make a noise heard rouad the ivor1c4!
 (W I L B U R)
Doc

ED NA Do
(fan gllin¿ a¿niti)
You’re not helping, Wil(aur! Do

T RA CY
TlaanLs, dacldy.

EDNA
Tracy, come back up here, I’ve got hampers of launc4ry anc4 my diet will is wearing off!
Mr
T RA CY
But, Mama 1 w•ant to lie famous,
E D NA
You want to be famous? Learn how to get blood out of car upholstery. Now that’s a
skill you could take right to the bank. You tlfink I wanted to s aenc4 my life washing
and ironing other people’s clothing? N o, I wanted to design them. l thought l
woulc4 be the biggest thing in brassieres. Well, you better be careful w la at you wish
for. Now start fcilding.
T RA CY

PENNY
But all 1 was doing w‹as w‹atc1aing Corny Collins over at Tracy’s.

P RU DY
Didn’t I forbid you from listening to race music? Oh, il the police ever locate your
father he’ll punish you goocl.

V E L MA
Yotir dancing was atroci ous todav, Amber. I’m willing to lie, cheat anct steal to win you
that h4iss Hairs era) crown, but you’ve j ot to work with me. Now let me ‹at that zit!
E D NA
Sto{ ! That’s no way to treat clean clothes. One day you’ll own “Edna’s Occic4ent‹al

TRACY
Don’t contraciict me!
V ELM A
Don’t disobey rue!
EDNA
Don’t even think ‹at.rout going to that an edition.
G I R LS
Please!

Mo!
G I RL S
Mother!!!!

SC ENE TWO

STOI°!

PEN NY
STOI’ TE L USG ME W HAT TO DO

DON’T!

AMB E R
DON’T TREz\T ME Ll KE A CHI LD OF TWO

TRACY
I KNOV\' TlJz\T YOU WANT \\‘1 T AT'S BEST

MO MS
PLEASE!

TRACY

G I RL S
GI Y’ E lT A IIES’I!!!
 M O M 5 & E N S E MB L E (B ACK U P)
S 4’OP! DON’T! NO!
DA
G IRi S B Ac K r YO
PLE/USE! HC
B
M O MS & B ACKU P
E‹
STOP! DON’T! NO!
AT
G I RL S & B AC I«r
PLEASE!

M O M S & B AC ITU P
STO P! DON’T! NG!
BU
G I RL S & B AC KU P
PLEASE!
MAMA, 1’M A BIG GIRL NOW!
(scene cliifts to the Al RU’ bedi‘oom vnui ties SO
T R ACY
B AC KU P
ONCE UI°ON A Tl ME TC
OOH
WHEN I WAS JU.9T A KID
YOU NEVER LET ME DO AF
OOH
JUST WHAT THE OLD EU KIDS DI D
BUT LOSE TI IAT L FUND P\’ LIST I’h
OOM
GY \NI IAT YOU WON’T ALLOW Ot
CAU.9E MAMA
.......
MAMA
I’4I A BIG GIRL NO\V 1’M A BIG GIRL NOW
AM BE R
ONCE UPON A TIME
I USED TO PLAY \VITH TGYS
BUT NOW I’D PSATHER PLAY AROUND
WITT I TEENAGE BOYS
SO, IF I GET X HC KEY’ OOH

PLEASE DON’T I JAVE A COW OOH, OOH

CA USE M A M A ...... MAMA

I’M A IICi GIRL NOW I’RJ A BIG G IfIL NO W

PENNY
M /\, I COTS A TELL YOU
TI UT W ITI'HU'I’ /X DOUBT BI
I GET MY R AST
 Y) (B AC K U P)
NC L ESSC3NS FIFO M YOU YOU’II E T FI E ON E \V HC3 TA UG UT ME HOW TO “TW IST A N D SH OU T”
SE YO H SHOUT NO N STOI’ AN D YOU’HE S“O TEV ISTE D TOO—OO O - O — O - O — O OO H, OO I I
Y ONC E I USED TO F1 DGET CA USE I JUST SAT HOME
R
T I'M JUST LIKE GIDG ET A ID I GOTTA GET TO RO ME
Y
SG MAY, THRIVED ERCI!
TRACY
E-LOO!
A MB ER

OOH, OOH

OOH, OOH

AND CI OOH, OOI I

AO!
G I RL S
‘CAUSE M/\ MA ......MAMA
I’M A BIG GIRL NO\V I'M A BIG GIPSL NOW
Ol I, Oil, OH OI I, Ol t, Ol I

ALL

STOP! DON’T! NO! PLEASE!

STOP! DON’T! NO! PLEASE!
STO P! DON’T! TO! PLEASE!

G I RL S & BAC KU P
MANU, I’ NI /\ BIG GIRL NOW

T R A CY
B AC KU P
I IEC H4AMA, SAY MA MA
ONCE U IRON A Tlhl E OOI I
1 W/\S A WHY \"OU N G THIN G
COU LV BARE LY WALK AT D
TALK SO MUCH AS DANC E AND
SIN G BUT LET ME Lt lT TI lE ST‹\ OOH, OO H
GE OOH, OOH
l LAN N A TAKE MY BOW
 (T R ACY)
(B A C K U
CAUSE MA MA P)
I’ M A BIG GI RL NOW
AMB ER
OH — O - O — C - O
I IEY - I
ONCE UPON A TI ME OGH
I USED TO DRESS U P KEN’
BUT NO\V TI IAT I’M A V\*OM
1’M A B
AN I LI KE blGG ER MEN
A ND I DON’T NEED A B ARBIE DOLL OOH, OO I-!
TO SHOW ME HOW OOH, OOtl
CA USE MAMA ......MAMA
I’M A BIG GIRL NOW T’M A BID CML NOW I'M A E
GIRLS
MA, YOU ALV\*AYS TAUG HT ME OO H, OOH, WA
\\ f HAT WAS RIGHT FROM A'RONG OOH..... OiJ,O1
AND NOW I JUST W'ANNA FIVE IT A TRY .G1VE IT A THY OM,O|
MAM A, I’VE BEEN IN THE TEST R'A, OOH
FOR FAR TOO LONG
SO PLEASE GI¥'E A PUSH
AND G4AMA WATCH IVIE WATCH I ME FLT’
FLY
AMB ER
WATCH ME FLY HEY, MAMA, MAY MAMA
& B AC KU P
P E N NY
OQi I
SOM E DAY 1 WILL MEET A MAN
YOU WON’T CON DEk4 N
AMB E R
OGH’
AND AVE W'ILL IHAVE SOME KIDS
AND 3’OU CAN TORTURE TH FM
TRACY
OOH, OOH
BUT LET ME BE A STAR
BEFORE I TAKE THAT VOW
B AC KU P
o InLs TI
OOl 1, C9Oll
h4AM /\
CA USE MA MA
I’ M A BIG CI RL HOW
1' M A BIG GI UL N O¥V
PENNY
 G I R LS BACKUP
MA M
A
I'M A 6lG G11/ L NOW I’ M A B I G G 111 L NOW
, A MB ER
I IEC — I I EY — I IEY — I IEY — 1
IEY
G I RL S
M/\ MA
I'L4 A BIG G 1 UL
I’M A DIG Gl R L
A MB E R
OOH, SUCH A BIG, B IG GI UL!
1\OO!
GIRLS
I’M A BIG GIRL
I'M A BIG GIRL NOW...
MO M S & B AC K U P
STOP! DON’T! NO! PLEASE!
STO I°! DON’T! NO! I° LEASE!
OI4, OH, OH, OH
STO I’! DON’T! NO! I° LEASE!
OH, OH, O H, OH l'LEASE

G I R L S & BA C KU P
MAM A, I’ M A BIG GIRL NOW!!!

EN S E M II L E
STOP! DON’T! NO! PLEASE! —
STOP! DON’T! NO! PLEASE! —
STO I’! DON’T! NO! PLE USE! —
MAMA, I’ M A BIG GIRL
WIIOO! SUCH A BIG, BIG G HCL!

SC EN E THREE - TH E AU D IT I ON

LOU A N N
That’s it, Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the last candic4.ate.

VELMA
Really? flea I’s all? Who wou1c4’ve guessed that Baltimore girls were all such skags?
My, lion. this town lfas gone c4owiala ill since 1 was crowuaed Miss Baltimore Crafts.
 T RA CA
Phew! I thou ght we’c4 never get there. Stupid bus cr‹asla!

PEN N Y
All nay life I im‹a lined what this place would look like. This isn' I it.

TRACY

Hi there. Am I too late to audition?

VELM A

Not too late, dear. Just too much.

PE N NY
Tracy. Look, it’s Link!

TRACY
Link Larkin. So near, and yet so gor Leons.
LINK
I know, those girls were all over me. I don’t know how Rock Hudson stands it.

LINK
Excuse me, little c4arlin’, I ho e I didn’t cient J'our do.

# 5 — I Ca it Her r The P elf s

TRACY
I CAN HEAR THE BELLS

PENNY
TracY. a« you all right?
TR A CY
DIDN’T YOU 1—1 EAR ’EM CFR 1ME
1
P E N NY
I cl on’ I lae‹h anything.

TRACY
 M Y H EAIIT EFAS U N 1’II EI’A It ED \/V1 I DN HE TA I° PED LI E
AN D K NTSC K ED ME OFF M Y FEET O N E LITTLE TOU CH
NOW MY LIFE’S COM PLETE 'CA USE W I IEN I JE

NU DGED ME
LOVE PUT ME IN \ FIX, ñ’ES IT
H IT ME
JUST LI KE A TON OF B IU CKS, YES M
Y HEA RT J3URST
NOW 1 K NO\\' W HAT LU E’S ABOUT
ONE LITT LE TOU CH
AT D LOVE KNOCKED ME OUT AN D,
1 CAN HEAR THE BELLS
MY HEAD IS SPIN N ING
1 CAN HEAR THE
BELLS
SOMETI RING’S BEGINNI NG
EVERYBODY SAYS
THAT A GIRL \\'1 IO LOOKS LIKE ME
CAN'T VVIN I tls LOVE
WE LL, JUST WA IT AND SEE’ CAUSE
EN SEMB LE (BACKUP)
TRACY
I CAN I lEA R TI IE R ELLS
I CAN AEA R TI IE BELLS
JUST HEA R TI tEM L"l II h4 1 CAN I lEAR Tf IE BELLS
ING l CAN I IE \R TI IF BELLS
MY TEM PPsATURE’S CLIMB ING
I C.4N’T CONTA I N MY JOY
'CAUSE I PIN’ LV’ FOUN D TN E
6OY I’VE BEEN NJISSIN
LISTEN, I CAN I lEA II TH E B ML RS

I?OU N D ON E
kOUXDOML
HE’LLASK F1ELJNG DATE KND TMEN
 (TnAcv) (B AC KU P)
ROUN D T\VO
I’LL PHI M P, B UT DON’T BE L \TE BEC.FUSE
IIOU ID TH R EE’S
WTO EN WE KISS I NSI DE HIS CA
l
R WON’T GO A LL TH E WAY
BU T 1’L L GO I’I?ETT\’ FA II TH EN,

ROUND FOU R
I t E’ LL ASK ME FOIL M Y HA ND AN D
THElxI ROU ND FI VE ROU N D FIV
BE’LL BOOK THE W EDDING BAND S“O HY
RL9U ND SIX E ROUND SIX
AMSER, MUCI I TO YOUR SURPRISE
TI IIS I IEAVYW EIG1 lT Ci IA M PIO N
TA KES THE PRIZE AMD TAKES THE PRIZE AND

I CAN HEAR THE BELLA I CAN HEAR THE BELLS

MY EAIIS AIDE RIN
GING I CAN HEAII THE I CAN HEAiI THE BELLS
BELLS
THE BH I DE’S MAIDS AIDE SUNG1VG
AHH, AHH, A HI1, AH H
EV’RYBODY SAYS
THAT A GUY WHO’S SUCH A GEM

¥VON’T LOOK MY WAY

! BUT TI IE LAUGI I’S ON TI IEM CAUSE
I CAT H EA Ps THE
I CAN HEA R TI JE BELLS
HY FATHER WILL SMILE BELLS I CAN HEAII THE
I CAN HEA R THE BELLS
AS H E MVA LKS ME DOWN Tl-tE AISLE BELLS
ANY MOTHE R STAIITS TO CITY
B UT I CAN’T SEE CA USE UN N AN D I
AIDE F IIENC II K ISO‘lN’
LIS GEN, I CAN H PAU TffE B ELMS

AU.....all t..... A IN .....AIR....

I CAN I IEAR Ti IE BEL LS
MY I TEAD IS REE USG I C \N 11EAR TI IE BELLA
I CAN I fEAR Tlf E BEL L.S
I C/\ N I IEA R T 1 lE BELLA
 — 2 -
(T R A
CY) (B AC K U
P)

rv l‹ison iwi cs AH H.........

THAT HE WON’T LI KE \'V H AT HE’ L A H l4.........
L SEE BUT 1 KNOV\/ THAT H E’LL A H H.........A HU
LOOK . .. SID E OF ME, Y EAH
INSIDE OF ME, \’EA l4 I CAN I I EAR TI IE
I CAN I I EAU THE BELLS
TODAY'S JUST TI I E STA 'IT C \ BELLA 1 CAN I t EAR
USE 1 CAN 1 YEAR TI IE BELLS
AND ‘TIL DEATI3 DO US PA FiT THE BELLS

AND EVEN WHEN WE DIE

WE'LL LOOK DO \VN FROM UP OOH.....OON.....
ABOVE liEMEMB E ICING THE N lG OOH.....OOH.....
HT OOH.....OOH.....
TU AT WE T\'TO FELL lN LOVE ....TWO WELL lN LOV E
\\E BOTH W I LL PHA HE A TEAII
AND HE’LL WHISPER AS WE’RE HE M
INISI N’ LISTEN!
I CAN HEAR THE BELLS TCHE CAN HEAII Tf IE
I CAN HE AR TI IE BELLS SME CAN I IEC\R
BELLS I CAN I IEAR TI TI IE BELLS BUk4
IE 6 ELLS B
Uh
4
B
U
M
B
U
M

TRACY
I came to audition for Corny. My name i.s Tracy Turnblad. Ance, like you, I go to
Patterson Park His la...
LOU
I've seen AN N
you.

AM B E R
\Yho ccau 1 d miss leer? Aren’t you usually’ in c4etention about now?

TnACv
1 cut school to come c4ow‘n here. Isn' I that too cool? 1’rn sorry', 1’ in just a little
nervous, can I start o»er. I assure you I’11 calm cioc n, ri glut after I ha ‹e a heart attack!!
# 6 - Miss 8 al I titi ore C rab s

(T R A CY)
Well, I bro u flat my owia 4W’s, so if J'ou pri I ‘em on 1’11 show you in y stu If!

L OU AN N
I-J‹a zen’I )'o u a I reac4} sl4ow'n us enou gh?
{Tlit CO tJNCILE TTE S sir i‹-l:cr)

VELMA
OH MY GOD
HO W Tl MES H \V E CHA NGE
D THIS GIRL’.9 EITHER BLIND
OR COMPLETELY DEPxANG E
D
AH, BUT TIRIE SE E h4 ED TO HALT

WT IEN 1 WAS “MISS DA LTIMORE CRABS”

T R A CY
It’s always been my childhood ‹meant to dance on this show!

AMB En
Well, maybe you ouglafa go back to slee !
V E LM A
CHI LD HOOD D REACTS
FOli ME W EIIE CH A CKED
WHEN THAT DA NON SHIRLEY TEMPLE
STOLE MY FR ICKIN’ ACT
BUT THE CRO\IN’S IN THE VAULT
FROM WI IEN I \VON “MISS BA LTIk4O RE CRABS”
TI IOSE POOR RUNNER—UPS
MAY STILL HOLD SOkIE G RUDE ES
THEY PADDED TI IEIP CUPS’
BUT I SC REW'ED THE JUDGES
THOSE BIRO A DS THOUGHT TH EY D WIN
ir rcATE THEY WOULD SPIN IN TH KH DA MCE
NOT A CI4A NC E!

\VF1ILE BEL ZINC AID A

AT D PREP. RI NG CII EESE SOU FFLES!
bU T THAT TR Il°LE .SGk4E IIS? \ U LT
\VAS I IOW I CLI NCI i ED “MISS 8ALTIMORE CPxABS” !
 -23

(V E LM A)
(ro t/+ CGU NCILE TTS
S)
Fire aw‹aJ; girls!
T A M MY
YOU’ HE TOO W I DE FROM TI 1E BACK

AMB ER
I IONEY, LOOK /\T I f EPS FRONT!

V E LM A
WAIT, A HE W E ON “CANDID CAMERA” ?
OK, W I IERE lS ALLEN FU NT?

AMB E R
DO YO U DANCE LIKE YOU D RESS?

L I NK
GIIILS, THERE’S NO NEED TO BE CRUEL!

T RA CA
l sure 1 would. 1’m all for in tegra tion. It’s the N ew Frontier!

VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn’t.
T RA CY
Uni, where’s Corny? I’d love to dance for hint.
V E LMA

C OUNC IL MEMB ER S
V E LMA’
fl HST I MPliESSlONS CAT BE TOUG11
/\ND WHEN I SAVV YOU, I KNEW' IT

\’OU R L/AST ANSW EU JUST J3 LEW IT!

OOI—I, OO LI, OON, OOI I

/\N D .SO, L4Y D EAR, SO SHOUT AN D STOUT

YOU’LL NEV ER EE “1N”
 V EL M A & C OU N CIL ME MB E RS
TO W E’kS KIC KI NG 5'OU OMT!
V E LM A WITH YOUR FO RM AND YOUR FACE WELL, IT ISN’T YOUR FAU LT
YOU’I? E JUST DOWN WITH A CASE O F “ MISS. ..
V E LMA& THE C O UN CI L M E M B E R S
BA LTI MO RE. . .
V E LM A
ABS!”
You’re free to go.

TRACY
, Ah, thank you?
PEN NY
1 con ld tell they secretly liked you.
(LITTLE JNEZ rBits ten)

L I TTL E I N E Z
Hello Ma’am, may I please auc4ition?

V E LM A
Of course not!
BUT YOU CAN BOW AND EXALT ’CAUSE I A M “DHSS BALTIMORE...

TRACY & LITTLE IN EZ

I KNOW EV’ RY STEP
l KNO\V EV’ HY 'LONG
1 KNO\Y TH E II E’S A i’LACE WI—1 EIIE I BELONG. ..

TRA CY

Why do they have ten tae so medau? “You’re short, you’re stout, you’re riot Cou ncil
material.” I w ear the latest fashions, I keeps up w'ith all the st\'1es. I’m teasing my h‹air
as high as I can!
 25

SG EN E FOUR - DET ENT I ON

PR1 N CIP AL
Tracy Turnblad, once again your monumental hair-don’t lfas seriously of structed
everyone’s view of the blackborard. As Princi Tal of Patterson Park H idle 1 cooclenan
you, to three more da s of c!etention!

TRACY
Detention! Is there no pity for a teen just trying to fit in?

S EAWE E D
, Maybe you oughtn’I try so hares?
T RA CY
Excuse rrte. You get c4etention just ‹a ton I every time l do, and 1’ve never seen you

SE AW E ED
O1 but 1 do. This is my way of complaining.

lt's how 1 use my blues.

DU AN E
Use tho.se blues, brother. You gotta use ’em or lose ’em.
T R ACY
Hey, that move’s swift.
SE AWE E D
The man can dine me on a diet of detentican so l‹ang as he c4on’t starve me of my tunes.

I-lere’s a little something-somet1aink signified to say', “Hello, my n‹ame’s Sea w eed J.

Stubbs, anc4 what's yours bab •?”
T RA CY
That’s unbelievable. Can I c4o tliat7
 SE AWE E D
cJon’t know. C‹ra you?

TRACY
Hello. My ma me is Tracy Turnblad.
SE AWE E D

TRA CY

G I L BE RT
Not back for a w hite yirl.
S E AWE E D
Ain’t no black and white up in here. Detention is a rainbow ex paerience.

TRA CY
What’s that step?
SE AWE E D
Oh this? I call this ono “Pevton Place After Midnight.” I use it to attract the op posite
SIX.

Fearless, girl. You really got it going on.

TRACY
This program’s joining you already in process.

LORRAI N E
Of course he does. His mom hosts the show.

TRA CY
Your mom is Motormouth Mayt elle, the DJ? That wakes you I ike royalty! Negro Dav
is the taest. I wish e cry clay was Negro Day.
S E AWE E D
At our house it is.

T RACY
Corny Collins is hosting the sophomore hope tomorrow night. If lie saw we chancing
like this o ith y on, maybe he’c4 put me can his show.
 G I L B E RT
lf you two chanced together in p ublic the only show o get cut is the eleven ci’clock race s.
S E AWE E D
So, how you feeling abou t c4etention now?
TRACY
I'm a back boc4 girl w loo needs to the punished.

PR I N C I P AL
Smiling, laughing, dancing in detention? Tracy Turnblad, ou can give up all hopes
of college. I’m uttin$ you in Sb ecial Ed with the rest of these characters!
T RA CY
No college? Where do you go ‹after Speci.al Ec4?
S TO OIE
Congress!
ALL

SCENE FIVE - TH E MAD I SO N

CORNY
Hey, there, sophornores and sophomores at heart. I’m honored to be your b est DJ
here at PPHS. So vritla no further a do-do, let’s do-do some dancing.

It's the hottest dance around anc4 it was horn i i ht here in Baltimore. What’s it c.alled
kids?
STU D E Isf T S
The Madison!
CO RNY
And wlaerc’c1 you see it first?
STU D E NT S
The Corny Collins show!
 C O R NY
Let’s form two big strong lines - it’s Mac4non time! Go!

STUD ENTS
BABY DO N’T SLEEP
BABY DON’T EAT
BA BY JUST LI KES TO DO THE E BOINK—BOINK

STU D EN T S TRACY

BABY DON’T SLEEP- Al iirrv, Sea weed, the c4 ance laa s

fiABY WON’T EAT a lrea dy startec4!
BABY JUST LI KES TO TI IE DO BOINK—
BOINK SE AWE ED
Alri Fla t, but remember, you go tta
I TRR’ TO LIE DOWN
BUT SHE’S ALWAYS ON H ER FEET
TO DO THE BOIN K-BOI NK

T R ACY
Look, they're doing the Madison, my fa orite!

S EAWE ED
You keep your eye on Corny. This could Jre your bid chance.

T R A CY
Then you better keeF al l eve on tire.

CO RNY
how when I sa}• “Hit it,” show nae a Fig, had Baltimore Box........hit it!

S TU D E N T S

S EAWE ED
I don’t know. There’s them and there’s us. That’s just the vva} it is.
 29

CO R NY
ke it to the basket Ii

Amber, who’s your friend? She’s like a brerath of fresh, iiiountain a ir.
AMBER
You got the mon ntai n Part right. Oink-oink.
CO RNY
Now when I say“hit ii,” let’s take ‹a c4 rive c4ow right. ...leers the monhe back seat.

STU D EN TS
Boink, boink.
L I NK
(to TO CY)

Hey, little darlin’. Haven’t we met somewhere?

TRACY
Ohmigod, Link Larkin just spoke to me. I’ll never wash this ear again.
CO RNY
When I say “hit it,” let’s make like Jackie Gleason - lioinnaina, laominina,
hoiuinina.....hit it!

AL L

And away we go!

T RACY

Hi, Corny!
CO RNY

Hey, cu[acake. \Vliat’s vour name?

T RA CY

T RA CY
\'Vell laere’s one I pic kec4 r1 p in deten tion. 1 I’s c a11ec4 “ l’eyton Place After Midniph t.”
1 use it to attract the o[a osite sex.
 SE AW E ED

L I NK
That gi rl’s as free as the winc4.

A MB E
Everylaod\• stop liking her!!!!

CO RNY
OK everylaody, let’s take it horne. Crazy!
(the BID S tie tlir Mndisnn)
And that, Baltinaorians, is how we cio the Madison.

SCE N E S IX - S UCC ESS

# 9 — Th e N i ces I Ki Is Re y rise

S TU D EN T S
OH - OF - GG - OO - OO - OO - OO - OO
OH - OO - OF - OO - OO - CiO - OO - OO
OH - OO - CG - OO - OO - TO - OF - OO
HOOT HOOT HOOT HOO-OOT

CO R NY
Hey, there teenage Baltimore. You’re just in time for The Corny Collins Show!

Brought to you by Ultra Clutch!

CORNY
And it tastes good too.
Today’s jaiii packed ec4ition will feature Link Larkin singing a special request Top 40
hit “It Takes Two.” So, let the paarty I egin!

P EN NY
H urry, Miz "furnblac5! 1-turry, h4r. Turn£alad! Come see what’s on TV.

W I LB UR
 PE N N Y

E D NA
Oh no. Don’ I tell rue Kruscliev has la is shoes off a g‹a in!
ALL
ROL L CA L
AM B E R
1’ MM BEU!
B RA D

TAMMY
TAXIMY!

FE N D E R
FENDER!

B RE NOA
BIIEN DA!

S K ET C H
SKETCH!

S HEL LEY
SHELLEY!

IQ

L O U AN N

L I NK
LINK!

TRACY

CO U N C IL M EM B ER S
 CO R N Y & IN I D S W I L B U R, E D N A, P EN N Y
SO, EV’iiY N IC I IT VD D’ R E II IA K I
NG AS YOU LIE I N BED

Go, T
/\ ND TNE BASS AND DR U MS
A BE POUND I NG ! N YOUR H EA D
C O R NY BACKUP
R'I IO CA P ES ABOUT SLEEP
OW - OOT!
¥\'1 IEN YOU CAN SNOOZE IN SCO IOOL

HOOT, O\V - OOT

THEY’LL NE\*ER G ET TO COL LEG E
BUT THEY SU II E LOOK COOL

O\V - OOT, O\V - OOT!

DON’T NEED A CA1° AN D A GO\V N
CA USE TH EY’HE THE
NICEST KIDS JN TO \VN
NICEST KIDS IN TOV\* N

THEY’RE THE
GH-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO
NICEST, NICEST
OH-OO-OO-OO-OO—OO-OO
THEY’RE THE
NICEST, NICEST
OH-OO—OO-OO-OO-OO-OG
THEY’RE Ti IE
SUGAR AND SPICE-EST, NICEST KIDS IN...
KIDS IN.. ..
KIDS IN TOWN
KIDS IN TOWN....HOO‘T!

COR NY
Yeah! And that was our dance of the week — “Peyton Place After Miclniglat,” iitro-
duced to you by our I 7and new Council member, Miss Tr‹acy Turnblac4.

E D NA
Old, nay worc4! Tracy! Hive in our own I iviiag room!

WI LB UR
1 tlaitak I’ve seen her here before.

PE NNY

ED NA
Imagine, icy little girl, regul a r r t last.

PEN N
Hi, Tracy. It’s me, Penny!

Y
 ED N A
She can’t hear v'ou.

Hello?... Yes. This is her cliii d)aood home. No, l’ in not her father.

CO R NY
So let’s wave a wistful bve-bve to Brenc4•a - see you next ve‹ar.

CO RNY
.and inaugurate the newest member of our Council, Tracy Turnblaci! Cozy up to
c›lcJ Corny ‹ind tell us about yourself, Trrrrace.
T RACY
Well, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I c4o absolutely nothing el.se.
("ALL a{›{ /nuri ii
But soirectay I hope to foe the first woman president of the worlcl car a Rockette. You
(o I to think big to be bid!
CO RNA
And if you were oresiclent, what would your first official act be?
TRACY
Well, I’d make every day Negro Day!
V E LMA & S P RI TZ E R
Aaaaiiiieeeee!!!!!
(UPS iTZER runs o// iu loo rror, a nd \*ELMA /raJlr›ii›s.j

CO RNY
I read you like tomorrow’s headlines, Trace! \Yhat C4o you say, kids? Looks like we
might just leave a hot new candidate for Miss Teenage Hairsp ray.
AMB E R

No, she can’t be Miss H‹airs tray! She’s the before in the Metrecal cJiet ad, ance 1'na
the after, .and afters always w in!
CO R NY
- 34 -

(CO RNA)
to, Tracy, tell us true, how would you like Link Larkin to sing ‹i song just for \›ou?

AM B E R

AND’
No! He can’t I ecause everyone knows that whenever he sings, he sings to me, he’s
cont oletely involvec4 with me, see? T’£T\l
ITTG1
C O RNY
Right. So, Tracy, tell us true, how would you I ike Link Larkin to sing a song just for
you?
/\ KIN
T R ACY R'lTf I
Woulc4 I? Would I? A PRII
AMB ER WTHC
SO PL
I DOR
You people are ignoring the laws of nature!
CO RNY TELL
Link Larkin, our own budc4ing Elvis, will now sing to the equally blooming Tracy AND
Turnblad his version of this week’s Top 40 hit, “lt Takes Two.”
*'CAT
.N t
# 11 — If Tn ke s Tn›o lT TAI
IT TAI
AMB ER
Mother!
LANC
GUYS
(BACKUF)
OOH OO OO OO TO OOH
AND
OOH CDO OO OO
TH
IT TA- 4KES TWO
EY
OOT I TO OO OO OO GC
WILL
OOT I DOO DOO 'TOP!
SG TA
LI NK
TI YES’ MAY IT'S .4 M AN’S WOPSLD AND
WELL, TI UT CA NNOT BE DENIED
BUT W I IAT GOOD’S A M IN’S WO ULD J USA“ I
WlTMGUT>AC0AXBYYQbP DE
AN D SG I W1 LL \VAIT 1 DIAL
UNTIL TH AT M OM ERT YOU DECI DE
 LINK B AC KU P

AND YOU’ IWE MY G1UL

THAT 1' M TH E SEA
AND YOU' UE TIN E PEA li
L lT T/\ KES TWO BA B\’
IT TA K ES
IT TAK ES TWO
T\TO I T TAK
ES TV\'O
DOO DOWN
A KI NG Al N’T A KI NG WOP
WITI IOUT TNE POV\*’ R B EillN D THE TI
IRONE A PIiINCE lS A PAUPEII BABE
\VTFIOUT A CHICK TCU CA LL H IS OWN
SO PLEASE DA RLING Cl—iOOSE ME
1 DON’T WANDA RULE A LONE

TELL ME I’M YO LHR KING

. I’ M YOU It KJ NG
AND \ OU"HE Mâ‘ QU
AND \’OU’RE MY QU EEC
EEC THAT NO ONE TH AT NO ONE ELSE
ELSE CAN COM E BET\VE EN
CAN COME BETWEEN IT TAKES TWO
IT TAKES T\VO BABY
IT EA KES TWO
lT TAKES T¥VO DON’CHA KNO\V

HOOT, HOOT, HOOT, HOOT

LANCELOT i HD GU INEVERE O\V-OOT , HOOT, I IOOT, OOH
MlSSESS CLAUS HA D OLD ST. NICK i IOOT, I IOOT, I IOOT, I IOOT
ROMEO HAD JULIET OW-OOT, HOOT, I IOOT, I IOO, Y I OO, L IOO
AND UZ, SHE H AS HER DICK I fOOT, 1 tOOT, I IOOT, I IOOT
THEY SAY lT TAKES TWO TO
OW-OOT, A H, WOW A I I V\IOO
TANGO WELL TLIAT TANGO’S A A H A /\ H
CHILD’S I’LAY SO TAKE THE TO THE
DAN CE F LOOII
AA H AAH A/\H AAH

/tND W E’LL TWIST THE NIG HT AWAY

J AST LIKE FHA NKI E \V X LON

I IAS i IIS FAVO II lTE MOUSEKETE
WAHW\M
EU 1 DU EA M OF A LOVER BABE
OOI-OOO
TO S›'\Y TI JE TI HNGS I LONG TO I I
OOT-CKM
EAR SO COME CLCUSER DA BY,
C II /\ ND WIJISI°EII IN MY EAR
 (LI NK) & G UY S TRACY
(TE LL ME) THAT YOU’ RE HY URL .,1’ M YOU II G I UL
(AND) I’M YOUR TOY

l
(TI CAT) YOU’RE MY PRIDE .I’M YOU R PIN I D
E

(A ND) 1’M 3’OUR ]OY

.YC9U’RE MY l OY
(TH/\T) I’M THE SA ID
...I’M TI-I E SA N D
(AND) YOU’RE THE TID E
...YOU’RE TU E TIDE
(I’ LL) BE THE G IILDOh4
.BE THE G ROORJ
(IF YOU’ LL) BE MY SRID E
. I’ LL BE YOU I4 B III DE
L IN K
TRACY & G UY S
IT TAKES TWO J3 ABY
IT TAK ES TWO
IT TAKES TWO
IT TAKES TWO C
IT TAKES T\VO BABY

G UY S
AAH - AAH
L I NK & TRA CY
IT TAKES TWO
.TWO- OOT I

S PRIT ZER
A
Mrs. Von Tussle, Negro Day everyday? That chubby Communist girl ‹and kissing on
the mouth with possibly parted lips... I assure you, controversy is not what Ultra
Clutch wishes to promote. A
CO RNY
Negroes aiad chubby girls duty hairspray, too, Mr. Spritzer.

S PRI TZ E R
Mrs. Von Tussle, how c4o you plan to handle this?

V ELMA
I pt.in to start b\ firing farm!
CORNY
You can’t fire Cor ny Collins from The horny Collins Show.
 V E LMA
Whv not? They do it ‹all the time on Lassie!
CORNY
M r. S ritzer, tc› kee}r } on r ‹a nd ie rice, you Not to keep u p w ith the t truce.
V E LMA
d"his show’s fine the www it is.
C O R NY
Bringing Tracy on is just the begin n ing. I’ve gaol terrific ic4 eas for u pdati nthe show.
S Pn i Tz ER
I'm getting one of lay sick he‹ad‹aches. 1s there a place where I might lie c4owia?

So you’ve got ideas, do you? And going behind my back to out this no talent
i Dominic on the show is rune of theiii?
C O R NY
Damn right, Veinsa. It’s time we pant kids on the show who look like the kids who
watch the show.
V E LM A
Not while l’in prod ucing it.

CO ANY
I was thinking it might be time to change that, too.
V E LM A
Are you tlii eatening me, Collins?
C O R NY
Aw, you know me, Velma! On the other Iaanc4, I coulcl always take the show to
Channel ‘11.

VELMA
OH M\’ DOD
SN \ KE THAT UN GS
HE’S /-\ I°UI°PET
BUT I I IOLD THE PU US E A ND TI IE IT RINGS
- 3 g —

(V ELM A)
COD, I KNE\Y NEGRO DAY
WOULU DUNC OH AOS AN D CfJANGL
MOV' HE’S PUS H1 MC THIS I’l N KO
W HO M IG tT G IV E U' A L H MANG E

SHE’S A BL EMISI4, X BLA CKI4 E

AD THA"I MUST B E EX PEL LED
TI lE UE'S A STAND ARD OF BEA UTY
TI IAT MUST BE U PI IELD

YOU CAN SAY I'M /\ BIGOT

BUT IT JUST ISN’T TRUE
LOOK, I LOVE SAMMY DAVIS
AND HE’S BLACK AND A JEW!

BUT TH EY BETTER GET SET

FOk A FU LL OUT ASSA U LT
THEY SHOU LD NEVER HAVE BOILED
MISS BALTIMOPxE CRABS
(End o/ z•oxy. £nñ o/ Scene Six.J

SCENE SEVEN - WELCOM E TO TH E SIXTIES

ED NA

Yes. Thank you so us ucla!... I’m sure Tracy ap areciates your vote for Miss Teenage
Hairspray. Yes! And she loves you too. Very much. \Vhoever you are. Goodbye!

Hello? What am 1 wearing? A housedress, scuffies, an c4 suyap hose. What are you
wearing? Hello? hello?

TRACY
 — 3.9 —

ED NA
C3f course 1 Grid. I t was old television. 1 liac4 to. Rae phone’s been ringing like we was
a teletlaon. TU think, a beloved TV icon the fruit of nd' womb.
TR A CY
So you're not mud?
ED NA
Mad? How could I be inac4? You’re famous! lf you’d only told rue you was going to
get on the show I never would have said you couldn’t. But sit.. ..tell roe, is fame
everything you thciuplat it woulci be? Are you leap y, honey?
T RACY
\’e.s, Mama. And 1 think I’m in love.
E D NA
I know. I’ve been following. But you and I are going to have to have a talk about
crooners. We can learn a let frorrt the mistakes of k4iss Debbie Reynolds.

T RACY
(an Terri i g flue {thou e•)
Hello? \’es, this is "l“racy Tumbled. Hello, Mr. Pinky.
ED NA

Mr. Pinky? THE Mr. Pinky? As in “M It. PIN KY’S HEFTY H I DEAWAY - QU
ALITY CLOTHES FOPx QUA NTITY GA LS”? That Mr. Pinky?
TRA CY
You want to hire me as your exclusive spokesgirl a nc4 fashion etfigy?

that’s a n effigy?

That's very flattering, but I’in ‹afraic4 all tausiness must 3o through my ‹agent......It
would be ou r pleasure. We’ll be right over, Mr. Piiaky. Gooc4bye!

EDNA
; An agent! 1 don’I know .my agents. Hons' abcaut ‹a nice bail bondsinan?
T RAC Y
1 IIother, putt that th ing c4ow n. I’m taking my inert a gen t to the Hefty Hide•away anc4
' then o ut on the town.
40

EDNA
\Vlao? Me? "h acy '1 uria£nlad, farrie has gone to your heac4 ‹and left veer wackY. \’ou
neeci a top-shelf profession a1. Who handlec4 the Galsor sisters? Well, who c4 idn't?
T R ACY
Ntother, there’s a great big world out there I know nothing about. When things get
rough, a girl needs her mother.

4 12 - V el co me To Th e 60’s

E D NA
Hun, l’ll be right beside }ou, if that’s what you i ant. And together we’ll cl‹aiv your
way to the top. But can’t vre do it over the phone? 1 haven’t been out of this .ap art-
ment since Maudie EiseiJower rolled her hose ancl lobbed leer bangs.
T RA CY
HEY MAMA HEY MAMA, LOOK AUOO N D
EV’ HY BODY’S GIIOO V IN’ TO A B UAN D NE\V SOU N D
HEY MAk4 A HEY MAM A, FOLLOW ME
1 KNOW SOMETHING’S IN YOU THAT YOU WAN NA SE’F FREE

.9O LET GO, GO, GO OF TI IE PAST NOTE

SAY I IELLO TO TI IE LO\*E IN YOUR I IE ART
YES, I KNOW TI UT THE WORLD'S SPINNING FAST NOW
YOU GOTTA GET YOU RSELF \ BP AND NEW STA RT

TRACY, DC NAM IT E S & E N SEMB L E

I—IEY MAMA
WELCOME TO TI IE SIXTIES YES, I
OH—O—O-O-O
OLI M AMA
WSLCOM E TO THE SIXTIES
OF -O-O-L0—O
GO M LMA
GO, GO, GO!

WE LCOM E TO "THE fi IXTIES

 T £'t A CY

TA K E MY FIA N D
E D N A FIRST LET’S MA KE A PIT STOP AT Ti4 E W E I N EU STA N D
T RACY l4 EY M /\ M A, i I ES’ M A R4 A,
TA K E /\ CFf ANCE
ED N A
OH TRACY, IT’S BEEN YEARS
SI NCE SOM EONE ASKED ME TO D ANCE

TRA CY, DY N AM I T E S & E N S E MB L E SO LET GO, GO, GO

TRA CY

OF THE PAST NOW

TR ACY, DY NA M IT ES & E N SEMB L E

SAY FIE I LO

+nAcx DY N A M ITES & ALL

TO THE LIGHT I N YOU R EY ES
OOHOOHOOH
OOHOONOOH
YES, I KNOvv THAT THE W CFR LD’S SPINNING FAST NOW
DUT YO U GOTTA IN UN THE IJAC E TO WIN THE PIIIZE

ALL
HEY MAIN A, \4 E LCOME TO THE SIXTIES
OH O G O O
OH h4 A k4A, \VE LCO X4 E TO THE SIKTIES
WKH O G O O
GO MA M A, TO, TO, GcU!

W E l.CONT E TO TI IE SIXTI
ES WO-O O—O—O
HEY, 4J AM A
YE /X H, Y EAI—I, Y E
/\ I t YE A i t, EA t3, Y E
\I I
— 42 - H A i II h P K A Y

MR. riN KY
Free jelly doughnuts while they last. Eat ‘em u[a, girls. I’ve got ten tons of I.affeta
inside.

T RACY
Hello, h4r. Pinky. I’m Tracy.

M R. PI N KB
There’s my shining star! television doesn’t ego } on justice.
ED NA
Oh, Mr. Pinky, you certainl V pickec4 a lovely girl to Fut the plus in your plus-sizes.
MR. P I NKY
Now, Tracy, this can’t be Your agent. She must be your gorgeous, big sister.
EDNA

W‘lij; Mr. Pinky, you’re twisting my head! I’m not leer gorgeous, big sister, I’m,..
MR. PI NKY
. . .54 Double D?

ED NA
Triple E!!!
M R. PI N HY
Oh, Mama, I’ve hit the motherloc4e! Step insic4e and let’s make a deal.
{MR. F IND 8 E DNA âisay{ rn r iii to the sfc re.j

ALL
X’OV R MAMA’S \VELCOM1NG THE SIXTIES
OH O O O O
\’OUR MAMA’S \VELCOM1NG THE SI XTIES

DC N AM I T ES
W E LCOME TO TH E UI lYTld M
OF A BIIA N D N EW DAY

T RA CY
TAKE YOU II O LD-FASH I ON ED FEA US
 —43

DY N A M IT ES & A L L

M R PI N HY S ST A FF ALL
I IOOT 11OO, I IOOT I IOO

A L L CAUSE IT’S TIME FOR A STA R

\Vf IO LOO KS JUST LI KE YOU!
JUD I NE
DON’T CI IA LET NOBODY TRY TO STEA L YOU R FU N
CAUSE A LITTL E TOUCH OF L1I"STICK NE¥’EI4 HURT NO ONE
KAMI LAH
TIJE FU TU RE HAS GOT A MI L LIO N ROADS FOR YOU TO CA IOOSE BUT \’OU’ LL WALK A LITTLE TA DLER IN SOME I HG I I—I IEELED SI IOES
S H AY N A
AND ONCE \’OU FIND TNE STY LE TI CAT MAKES \’OU FEEL LI KE YOU SOMETHING FR ESI1 SO METI IING NEW
DY NAM ITES
STEP ON OUT

I IEAR US SI IOUT
TRACY & DYNAMIT ES
MAM A, THAT'S YOU h DUE!!!
YEA I I, YEAI I, YEAH

E D NA
HEY 1’RAC¥, HEY B A
BY, LOOK \T NME!
1’M THE C U3“EST CH IC
KiE l“FtAT YOU EVER DlD
SEE

HEY TRACY, HEY BABY,

LOOK AT US
W II ER E IS TH E Ii E A TEA M
TI-1AT’S F4 ALF AS FABU LOUS?!
—4
H A I H s r n A ›"

ALL
1 UT GO, GO,
CIO
EDNA

AL
L
SA I D I IEL LO

EDNA BAC
TO TI IIS RED CA RP ET RID E
IN U P
G
O,
YES, I KNO\V HOO,MOO,UOO
TU AT TU E WGRLD’S SPIN NING FAST
NOW TELL LOLLOB R IG ID A TO STEP
ASIDE! HOO,HOO
ED N A & TRACY
YOUR MAMA’S YOU fI MAMA’S
WELCOMING THE W E LCO M ING THE
SIXTI ES
SIXTIES

ED N A, TRACY & G UY S
WO, OH, OH, OH
OI I-O-O-O—O OH YOUR MAMA’S
W E LCOL4ING THE
OH YOUR MAMA’S SIXTIES
WELCOMING THE
SIXTIES OI,OIlO-O-O-
O-OlT OM,OI
OH-O- GOMAMA
O-O-O GO,GO,GO
GO R'ELCOME TO THE
SIXTIES
MAMA
GO, GO,
GO

A
LL OGEN THE DOO
II FOIL THE GI IN L

WHO HAS MOU E,

SHE’S A STA II

TR A CY & E D N A B
HEL’ NTA MA AC
KU
WELCOME TO THE SIXTI ES P

WE LLOME TO Tot E SlX4'l ES