GOOD OMENS DELETED

SCENES
Neil Gaiman
(Painstakingly typed out by Jess so she can print them and stick them into her signed, 1st edition copy, of the script book)

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 1: IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE OPENS HIS BOOKSHOP - pg 3 -

2: IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE MEETS THE NEIGHBOURS - pg 8 -

3: IN WHICH CROWLEY GETS DRUNK WITH LEONARDO DA VINCI - pg 12 -

4: IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE SEARCHES FOR A BODY - pg 13 -

5: IN WHICH CROWLEY GOES CLOTHES SHOPPING - pg 17 -

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 IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE OPENS HIS BOOKSHOP

EXT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP – DAY – 1800

Aziraphale is standing outside his bookshop on a Regency street. He is looking proudly at the
SIGN-PAINTER, who is painting the words ​Mr A Fell Purveyor of Books to the Gentry,
Established 1800 ​above the door.

AZIRAPHALE
Jolly Good. It looks absolutely tip-top.

He walks back into the shop...

INT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP – DAY – 1800

The shelves are bare, and the space seems smaller than it will later be. Aziraphale, whistling,
puts beautiful leather-bound books on the shelves.
He is as content as it is possible for him to be.
The bell above the door DINGS. He doesn't turn around.

AZIRAPHALE
I am afraid the shop will not be open until Friday, good people. But we will be having a
grand opening immediately after lunch…

GABRIEL
We aren't here to buy books, Aziraphale.

And it's Gabriel, with Sandalphon, dressed as Regency dandies. Astonishingly well dressed.

AZIRAPHALE
Oh. Oh dear. Listen, if it's about that business in Paris, um, it wasn't my miracle…

GABRIEL
I have no idea whereof you speak, oh Angel of the Eastern Gate. We are here with good
news.

AZIRAPHALE
Oh! How lovely.

He prepares himself for good news.

GABRIEL
We're bringing you home.

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SANDALPHON
Promoting you back upstairs.

They wait expectantly for Aziraphale's unbounded joy.

Aziraphale looks confused.

AZIRAPHALE
I'm opening this bookshop on Friday. If Master Hatchard can make a go of it, then I think
I can really…

GABRIEL
It's an excellent idea. Whoever replaces you down here can obviously use it as a base of
operations.

AZIRAPHALE
Use ​my​bookshop?

Gabriel is still waiting for the joy.

GABRIEL
You're being promoted. You get to come home.

SANDALPHON
I can't imagine why anyone would want to spend five minutes longer in this world than
they had to.

GABRIEL
Aziraphale has been here for almost 6000 years. We must applaud devotion to duty.

He opens a little box, to reveal a medal.

GABRIEL (CONT'D)
And it hasn't gone unnoticed.

AZIRAPHALE
I don't want a medal.

GABRIEL
That's very noble of you.

Aziraphale looks out desperately and sees the worst possible thing he could. It's Crowley,
holding a package, looking through the open door (behind Gabriel and Sandalphon) with a
cheery wave. They haven't noticed him.

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AZIRAPHALE
But only I can properly thwart the wiles of the demon Crowley.

Crowley stops smiling. He points to the package, mouths 'chocolates'.

GABRIEL
I do not doubt that whoever replaces you will be as good an enemy to Crowley as you
are. Michael, perhaps.

Crowley looks horrified. He's mouthing 'Michael? Michael's a wanker!' at Aziraphale, who is
completely nonplussed by all this.

AZIRAPHALE
Crowley's been down here just as long as I have. And he's wily, and cunning and brilliant
and oh…

GABRIEL
It almost sounds like you like him.

AZIRAPHALE
I loathe him. And, despite myself, I respect a worthy opponent...Which he isn't because
he's a demon and I cannot respect a demon. Or like one.

GABRIEL
That's the attitude I like to hear. You'll be an asset back at head office, I can tell you that.

Crowley has disappeared. Gabriel puts the medal around Aziraphale's neck.

AZIRAPHALE
So...We're going straight back, now? Before the grand opening?

GABRIEL
Well, soon. We're just going to stroll down to Cork Street to see my tailor.

EXT. REGENCY STREET – DAY –1800

Gabriel and Sandalphon look approvingly at their tailor's window. A Regency dandy walks out
of the shop. Gabriel looks at his clothes admiringly.

INT. TAILOR'S – DAY –1800

Gabriel walks into the tailor's. It's empty of customers. Sandalphon has positioned himself
outside the door.

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GABRIEL
Davidson? Is my suit finished?

TAILOR
It is, my Lord. If you wish to disrobe behind the curtain, I shall have it all made ready…

Gabriel goes behind the curtain. He beings to remove his clothes. And the he freezes. He hears
someone talking in the alley outside the tailor's.

CROWLEY
Are you certain that we are unobserved, oh monstrous creature from the bowels of Hell?
(monster voice)
No one is listening, oh demon Crowley.

Gabriel stands up on a stool, and looks out…

Below him, he can make out Crowley, in conversation with a hooded figure. Gabriel's view of the
street is obstructed. He presses himself against the wall so he can hear, and so nobody glancing
up will see him.

CROWLEY (CON'T)
Curses. If only I could understand why my evil plans are always so brilliantly thwarted.
It's as if the forces of Heaven have a champion here on Earth who thwarts
me...thwartingly…

A shot from a different angle. We can see that the tailor's shop back door is open, with several
tailor's dummies in evidence. And the robed figure is a dummy with a black cloth draped over it.
Crowley is having too much fun doing the voices…

CROWLEY
(monster voice)
Why, Mister Crowley, you must not be downcast. I hear news that will bring joy to you
and all the powers of Hell. They do say as how the angel Aziraphale, your nemesis, is
being sent back to Heaven.

Crowley is acting slightly too broadly, but it's in the style of the time.

CROWLEY (CON'T)
Can this be true? I was going to swallow Holy Water in my despair at once more being
beaten by the angel Aziraphale. But such excellent news! Only Aziraphale knows my
ways well enough to…

CROWLEY (CON'T)
(monster voice)
Thwart them?

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CROWLEY (CON'T)
Exactly. Now let us retire to an evil drinking den, and drink to the success of evil on this
Earth, thanks to Heaven's foolishness.

CUT TO

INT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP – DAY – 1800

Aziraphale, and Gabriel and Sandalphon as before. Gabriel is wearing his new suit.

AZIRAPHALE
So, I'm...not going anywhere?

GABRIEL
Change of plans. We need you here. In your bookshop. Battling evil.

Sandalphon gives Aziraphale a good-natured punch on the arm, that hurts.

SANDALPHON
Carry on battling.

GABRIEL
Keep the medal.

AZIRAPHALE
But I don't understand…

Too late. He's alone in the bookshop.

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 IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE MEETS THE NEIGHBOURS

EXT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP BACKROOM – DAY

We hear Aziraphale muttering. He's talking to himself.

AZIRAPHALE
So prophecy 3212 correlates with 917. Come on, Agnes. You know how this one ends.
There's got to be a way out…

Aziraphale is looking at the ​Nice and Accurate Prophecies​. He is filling his pad of paper with
notes. We look over his shoulder, and we can see various names of famous people in history
circled. He's trying to work out a way to hold off Armageddon...He's in the same clothes as he
was in yesterday…

The cocoa is very cold and congealed.

He scribbles down something that's obviously a mathematical equation…

There's a loud banging at the door.

AZIRAPHALE (CONT'D)
Busy!

The banging redoubles.

AZIRAPHALE (CONT'D)
For Heaven's Sake. I'm very busy! There's nobody here!

Banging. Rattling as someone shakes the locked door.

Aziraphale mutters something. Then he gets up, and goes to deal with the people.

INT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP – DAY

We have a short, scary, extremely well-dressed man, we'll call him B​ OSS​, with two enormous
THUGS​– ​STOOGE​​1​and ​STOOGE​2​​– standing behind him, also in very nice suits.
With an angry sigh, Aziraphale points, through the glass, to the closed sign on the door.
Boss is unimpressed. He simply bangs on the door loudly again. Aziraphale opens the door.

AZIRAPHALE
The closed sign means this bookshop, like the door, is closed. If they were open, it would
say Open. Now, if you'll excuse me…

BOSS

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 This your bookshop?

AZIRAPHALE
Indeed it is, young man. But I'm closed…

But it is too late. They are barging in.

Aziraphale seems slightly out of his depth here. The Boss and two thugs are hard men,
well-dressed, dangerous. It's like a lamb meeting three wolves. In a book shop.

AZIRAPHALE (CONT'D)
Look, I'm dreadfully sorry, but we'll be open tomorrow, well, that's not actually certain at
this point…

BOSS
Nice place you've got here.

AZIRAPHALE
I'm rather proud of it. Finest rare bookshop this side of Bloomsbury. However-

BOSS
People don't want this rubbish any more, though, do they?

AZIRAPHALE
There's always a demand for first editions. And I am extremely proud of...PLEASE PUT
THAT DOWN! Carefully!

The thugs are picking up books and dropping them…

STOOGE 2
Made of paper, though. Damage easy, and burn...

Stooge 1 has taken out his cigarette lighter, and is tearing strips off a book, lighting them and
letting them fall…

STOOGE 1
Very flammable.

STOOGE 2
You mean inflammable.

STOOGE1
Same thing. Be a pity if this whole place burned down.

Stooge 2 picks another book up…

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AZIRAPHALE
Step away from the books!​Please! This is a very bad time for, for these shenanigans…

BOSS
Been here a long time, have we?

AZIRAPHALE
Over three hundred years in this location. The shop was originally-

BOSS
I'm not actually interested, you muppet. Louis, do something violent.

Stooge 1 pushes over a bookcase and books go flying…

BOSS (CONT'D)
This part of Soho is so very ripe for redevelopment, but relocating a business is obviously
expensive. Fortunately, I'm in a position to make you an extremely generous offer.

AZIRAPHALE
As am I.

BOSS
Sorry?

AZIRAPHALE
My extremely generous offer is: you and your friends tidy up the mess you've made,
leave my shop, never come back, and we will say no more about it.

BOSS
You out of your mind?

AZIRAPHALE
Pick those books up, and go home. Then turn over a new leaf. I am doing my utmost to
avert Armageddon and I have no time for any hanky panky.

BOSS
...hanky panky?

Stooge 1 is already picking up the books. Stooge 2 picks Boss up by the lapels and says,
intimidatingly:

STOOGE 2
You heard him, Desmond. We're going to tidy up the mess we made.

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AZIRAPHALE
Then in the time remaining to you, you must give up your evil redeveloping ways and,
um, become pillars of your communities. You probably have most of Saturday. Until just
after teatime.

The three men shake their heads as they scramble to pick up the books. They aren't quite certain
what's happening.

STOOGE 2
I never wanted to be an enforcer. I wanted to be a florist.

AZIRAPHALE
Flowers. Very commendable. So...Delightful meeting you.

As the three men shuffle out, we follow them out onto the pavement.

EXT. THE BOOKSHOP – DAY

STOOGE 2
What a lovely man.

STOOGE 2
I feel like a nicer person already.

BOSS
My head hurts.

Aziraphale slams the door behind him. A moment later, the CLOSED sign is replaced by a
handwritten sign saying: I​mportant: Very Very Closed, Please Go Away, This Means You
(Sorry.)

Then he picks up his phone and starts to dial.

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 IN WHICH CROWLEY GETS DRUNK WITH LEONARDO DA VINCI

INT. CROWLEY'S OFFICE – DAY

He looks at the framed Mona Lisa sketch hanging on the wall. Reaches up for it.

FLASHBACK

INT. LEONARDO DA VINCI'S STUDIO – NIGHT –1500s

It's the Renaissance, in Florence. LEONARDO DA VINCI and Crowley are getting drunk in
Leonardo's studio. The finished Mona Lisa is on an easel. A lot of character sketches are lying
around, and in several of them the mouth is crossed out, or has a really stupid grin. The most
beautiful one, Crowley's one, is pinned to the wall. Crowley reaches out to it.

LEONARDO
I got her bloody smile right in the cartoons, but it went all over the place when I painted
it. Her husband had a few things to say about it when he was in yesterday, but, like I told
him, Signor del Giocondo, apart from you, who's ever going to see it?

CROWLEY
I'll give you eleven florins for the sketch.

LEONARDO
Twenty.

CROWLEY
Fifteen.

LEONARDO
Deal. Now, explain this helicopter thingie again, will you?

INT. CROWLEY'S OFFICE – DAY

And the Mona Lisa has swung open, revealing a safe. Crowley is turning the dial. He looks
nervous. The door opens.

He reaches into the safe, takes out two arm-length rubber gloves, and a big rubber apron. Puts
them on, hurrying like someone stressed in a caper movie.

Crowley takes out the dusty thermos flask – it's the tartan thermos flask that Aziraphale gave him
in Episode Three. Then gets the tongs from the safe.

IN WHICH AZIRAPHALE SEARCHES FOR A BODY

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EXT. HAITIAN BEACH – DAY, BUT IT'S STORM-DARK

CITRON DEUX-CHEVAUX, on the beach in Haiti. He looks big, scary. He's built a little fire in
front of him. Candles are lit.

GOD (V.O)
This is Citron. He's a travelling Houngan. A sort of priest of Voudoun. Voudoun is a very
interesting religion, for all the family, including those members of it who are dead.

CIRTON
Loa​ride me. ​Gros bon ange,​come to me. Come to me. Ride your horse.
Something seems to be happening. He sweats and sways and jerks and then says, with
Aziraphale's expression and intonation:

CITRON/AZIRAPHALE
Where am I?

Citron is rather taken aback by this…

CITRON
Is that my ​Gros Bon Ange?

CITRON/AZIRAPHALE
I think that's a rather personal question, I mean, as these things go. But one does one's
best. Where exactly am I?

Citron is looking around puzzled…

CITRON
This is Haiti.

CITRON/AZIRAPHALE
Damn. Nowhere near. Thank you so much!

And with a jerk Citron is released. The wind howls. Lightning on the horizon...

EXT. TV STUDIO – DAY, STORM

Long shot of the studio. It's a small-town studio, perhaps in Florida or somewhere. There's a
picture window with a TV screen in it. An ad is running on the screen.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

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Inside the studio; same ad on a screen: it's for ​MARVIN'S HOUR OF POWER​. We see
MARVIN BAGMAN,​forties, on the screen in various situations: walking in the country,
admiring a sunset, seeing some poor people, winning a lot of money at a roulette table and
holding the money up for everyone to see, giving the money to the happy poor people.
It's bad TV and obviously staged, and it's actually a commercial for Marvin's Music as much as
it is for his show, because we see song titles turning up on the screen – like JESUS, CAN I
COME AND PLAY AT YOUR PLACE?, WHEN I'M SWEPT UP BY THE RAPTURE, GRAB THE
WHEEL OF MY PICKUP and NOW GET BEHIND ME, SATAN (AND DON'T YOU GRAB MY
ASS).

Quick shot of JESUS IS MY BUDDY, available in every possible format, MP3, LP, CD, LP, even
8-track tape.

Pull back, we're in the green room on the side of a studio, and the ad was running on the
monitor.

STUDIO MANAGER (O.S.)

Marvin, we're back up in sixty seconds. Cue the band…

STACY, Marvin's personal assistant, adjusts his tie. Checks her clipboard.

STACY
Hon, don't forget, it's visions of miracles now before 'God Wants You To Be Rich'.
Jonesey says the weather is crazy, but they'll be here soon.

MARVIN
Got it. I could do some Armageddon. They like that.

STACY
They don't like it that much. Our metrics show that dollar donations drop if you don't
move on to God curing their cancers and giving them big houses with pools.

He does a little rock-star move in front of the mirror, although he's too old for it, and flashes
white teeth.

He strides onto the stage. A tiny S

​ TUDIO AUDIENCE​claps enthusiastically. Marvin launches
into a country song.

MARVIN
(sings)
When I'm swept up by the rapture / Grab the wheel of my pickup / And head out like the
Devil's standing by / As the seas begin to boil / Better check the tires and oil / I'll be
watching you from somewhere in the sky...
(spoken, over the music, to the studio audience)

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 He's up there right now, looking down on you. Can you feel him? Can you feel his
presence? I know you can. How about you, huh?
(sings)
I'll go without a hiccup / Grab the wheel of my pickup / And we'll all be back together /
By and by.

Applause light goes on. Audience claps.

EXT. TV STUDIO – DAY, STORM

The Studio: a building in the US, and a storm is blowing up.

Palm trees blowing in the wind, perhaps. There's a TV screen in the window of the studio, and
we can see Marvin on it as objects blow past. A person stops to watch the TV – the Narrator.

MARVIN
Thank you, brothers and sisters. And remember you can hear that song again, along with
other songs just as uplifting, on ​Jesus Is My Buddy​. Call the number on your screens and
make a donation, and a CD, vinyl or MP3 download is yours to play forever, completely
free.

The Narrator turns to us, and the storm threatens to knock him off his feet.

NARRATOR
Marvin's made over four million dollars from religion. You might think he's not a true
believer, because he's made so much money at it. You'd be wrong. He believes with all
his heart.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

Marvin is talking to the cameras…

MARVIN
If you just tuned in, you are watching ​Marvin's Hour of Power,​the show that puts the fun
back into fundamentalism.
(now serious)
Brothers and sisters, I've got a message for you all, an urgent message from our Lord, for
you all, man and woman a little babe, friends, let me tell you about the Apocalypse. It's
all there in your Bible, in the Revelation our Lord gave Saint John.

He picks up a bible. An onscreen Home Shopping Network – the price and description of the
Bible he's holding appears on the screens around the set.

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MARVIN (CONT'D)
War. Plague. Famine. Death. Rivers of blood. Great earthquakes. Nukerler missiles. It's
on its way. Before the Destruction comes – before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
ride out – before the missiles rain down on the unbelievers – there will come The
Rapture.

He is magnetic. And he means it. The audience is mesmerised.

So are the crew, and Stacy. Now, as he talks, something odd seems to be happening to his face.
It's as if he's having a stroke but is unaware of it…

MARVIN (CONT'D)
Only the faithful will be saved, only those of you who have been born again will avoid
the pain and the death and the horror and the burnin'. Then will come the great war
between Heaven and Hell, and Heaven will destroy the forces of Hell, and God shall wipe
away the tears of the sufferin', and there shall be no more death, or sorrow…

And now Marvin is making faces and twitching...one of his arms starts jerking
spasmodically...And he interrupts himself, in something close to Aziraphale's voice, with
Aziraphale's expressions taking over Marvin's face.

MARVIN/AZIRAPHALE
Nice try, but it won't be like that. Not even a little bit. You're right about the war. But the
Rapture stuff – well, if you could see them all in Heaven – league after league of us,
flaming swords, well, what I'm trying to say is who has time to go round popping people
up in the air to sneer at the people dying below them? And as for Heaven inevitably
winning...If it were that cut and dried, there wouldn't be a War in the first place. We've
got a fifty percent chance of coming out on top. You could send money to a Satanist
hotline to cover your bets, although to be frank, when the fire falls and the seas turn to
blood you lot are all going to be civilian casualties whatever side you're on. They're going
to kill everyone and let God sort it out. Sorry to stand here wittering, I've just a quick
question – where am I?

Marvin has been struggling to regain control of his own body and now, for a moment, he does.

MARVIN
The Devil! Dear Lord the Devil is speaking through my mouth!

Aziraphale reaches down, using Marvin's body, and picks up a camera operator's newspaper.

MARVIN/AZIRAPHALE
Quite the opposite actually, dear boy. And I see I'm in America. Well, lovely meeting
you, and...gosh! Am I on television?

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 IN WHICH CROWLEY GOES CLOTHES SHOPPING

INT. CARNABY STREET SHOP – DAY – 1967

Crowley is trying on a gloriously over-the-top paisley jacket. J​ULIAN​owns the shop, and is
tugging at the sleeves, and showing Crowley how he looks in the mirror.

CROWLEY
Do you have it in black?

JULIAN
But it's psychedelic! That's the point!

CROWLEY
Well, a psychedelic black, then.

And as Julian looks a little puzzled/disgruntled.

CROWLEY (CONT'D)
(sotto voce)
Julian, I'm putting together a job. I hear you may know some people.

JULIAN
What kind of a job?

CROWLEY
That's my business. I want people I can trust. A locksman. Muscle. And an acrobat.

JULIAN
Nine o'clock tonight. The back room of the Dirty Donkey.

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