How should we ensure that television is a positive influence in the life of children?

In this day and age, the impact of TV on children’s health, both metally and physically, have raised
considerable concern. In order to prevent unwanted effect from watching TV on children, this essay
names the positive solutions to deal with it.

There are three possible solutions as following . To begin with, parent-control is the most
essential factor. Parents should take more attention to the contents of shows that their children are
interested in, so they could understand and encourage the young viewers to take part in other
positive activities outside with friends and family. By doing this, the younger generation could avoid
being exposed to inappropriate contents and got negative influences on their unmature mind.

Furthermore, children should be guided to approach suitable the educational programmes on social
media. The fact that many TV shows and channels provide the invaluable knowledge have assisted
children in broadening horizons. For example, National Geographic is a channel well known for its
variety of knowledge regarding science and exploration of the world. Since it also develops
specialised programmes for kids, this is an ideal TV channel to assist parents in raising their kids’
interest in scientific subjects.

Finally, watching TV with parents could be have/make a huge impact on building children’s
character. Apparently, children who watch TV shows or movies with their parents tend to have a
better feeling of a happy family where their parents are no longer the supervisors but friends. Such
experiences could create a positive mind and a good manner in behaviour than others.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that TV programmes could have huge impact on the development of
young generation. Therefore, parents should take the vital role in managing the time that their
children spend on watching TV so that the kids will be benefitted from it.

(297 words)

To begin with, Furthermore và Finally là các từ chỉ linear ordering, vì thế không nên dùng
trong bài này. Nên dùng các cụm từ listing, e.g.: first, second, third, the first approach, the
second way, the third method,….

Original Problem Recommendation

Introduction
Many parents concern about the
impact of television on their
children’s lives.
This essay indicates the problem
- Many: over-simplify
expression
- Main topic “the impact of
television” was pushed to
the back  lessen its
seriousness
- indicate: point out, show
- The essay topic did not
really mention “parents”, so
it can be cut off.
- Rewrite the whole
sentence:
“In this day and age, the
impact of TV on children’s
health, both mentally and
physically, have raised
considerable concern.”
- …will
of watching too much TV and then sth as a suggestion (sth that identifies/pinpoints/names
brings out the solutions to deal should be done)  not some problems that are
with it. appropriate stemmed from watching….
 Thesis statement này - In order to prevent
không phù hợp vs yêu cầu đề unwanted effect from
bài => viêt lại watching TV on children, …
Body 1
There are two main issues that
prove the negative influences of
television watching on children in
daily life.
First of all, watching TV at early
age might endanger healthy
development.
Obviously, a baby’s brain is
immaturity then if sitting in front
of TV for a long time might cause
the delay in language development
or lead to extremely mental
disease, as autism.
Secondly, some programs do not
suitable to children.
It is the fact that, the contents of
several shows on TV contain the
violent or sexual images that could
be the bad examples to the growth
of immature kids.
Body 2
For the above-mentioned Rewrite this sentence
problems, there are some possible
solutions as following.
To begin with, parent-control is
the most essential factor.
In other words, parents should - Remove “in other words” - Combine these 2 sentences,
take more attention on the - PAY attention TO then include one more
contents of shows that their sentence to point out the
children are interested in. desirable result of the
By doing this, the adults could solution
understand and encourage the  Parent should…so they
young viewers to take part in could understand and….By
other positive activities outside doing so, the younger
with friends and family. generation could avoid being
exposed to inappropriate
contents and ….
Furthermore, children should be - overly formal words - guided so that they may
oriented to approach the - wrong use of article approach educational
educational programs on social - “Programs” is used in programmes
media. computing context
The fact that, many TV shows and - Wrong use of expression. - The fact that many TV
channels provide the invaluable shows and channels provide
knowledge to broaden children’s If you use “the fact that invaluable knowledge have
horizons.
For example, National Geographic
is a channel that help the youth to
be closer with nature lives and
awake the awareness of protecting
environment.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some positive
programs on TV could have a huge
impact to the development of
young generation.
Parents should take the vital role
in managing the time to prevent
the harm of unappreciated shows
on TV to their children.
many TV show…”, it should
be followed with an effect,
and it must be stated clearly.
- Wrong use of article
- You haven’t pinpointed
clearly the positive effect of
the channel to children.
Similar to the previous
sentence, you should state
that effect clearly
- “some” is a weak word,
especially in a part where
you should reassure your
opinion. Don’t use this word
here
- Lack of linking phrase
- wrong article
- what time is “the time”?
You didn’t distinctively
identify what is it.
- The main focus of this
writing is to “guide the right
way” not “avoid the wrong
way”  you should
emphasise the positive effect
of this action
assisted children in
broadening their horizon.
- For example, National
Geographic is a channel well-
known for its variety of
knowledge regarding science
and exploration of the world.
Since it also develops
specialised programmes for
kids, this is an ideal TV
channels to assist parents in
raising their kids’ interest in
scientific subjects.
- In conclusion, it is
undeniable that TV
programmes could have
huge impact ON the
development of the young
generation.
Therefore, parents should
take a vital role in managing
the time that their children
spend on watching TV so that
the kids will be benefitted
from it.