Bahan Acting on feelings no doubt got you into a love relationship.

Continuing to act on feelings will

almost certainly get you out of it.

The initial burst of hormones that produce intense feelings of love subsides within a few months. After
that, day-to-day feelings are transitory reactions to changes within (physical resources such as energy,
hunger, and thirst, hormonal ebbs and flows, memories, sensations, thoughts, and ego-defense) — as
well as changes without (perceptions of the environment and other people). On a routine basis, feelings
are about temporary variations in comfort, convenience, pleasure, and status.

Values, on the other hand, are stable over time and ultimately supported by a sense of character. While
feelings create temporary importance, values give enduring meaning and purpose to life. Feelings may
forge committed relationships, but values sustain them. The power of love comes not from its feelings
but its values.

Those who act on their feelings more than their values will fail at committed relationships, simply
because no one feels like remaining true to their values most of the time.

To make matters worse, intimate partners inevitably blame the guilt and shame of violating their values
on each other: "I can't be the real me — loving, friendly, compassionate, supportive, sexy, and fair —
while you're being you!"

Blame makes them powerless over themselves and controlling or coercive in the relationship. Acting on
their deepest values would make them feel authentic and, over the long run, afford them a more
empowered and compassionate love.

You will likely love better and improve your relationship by forgetting about how you feel!

Try this as an experiment for at least a month: Put your feelings about your relationship on the back
burner and dedicate all efforts to strengthening the power love values listed below. If you and your
partner make a sincere effort to enhance power love values, you should find, after a month or so, that
you actually feel more love for each other.

Power Love Values

The following candidates for power love values are supported by research on characteristics of long-
term relationships, wherein both partners report high levels of satisfaction.

Equality: Rights, preferences, and responsibilities are more or less equal. Neither has authority over the
other.

Fairness: Partners maintain a mutually acceptable division of labor and responsibility for the growth and
well-being of the family.

Friendship/support: Partners confide in each other and are "there" for one another.

Loving behavior: Partners are compassionate, showing care and desire to help when one is distressed,
hurt, or in need of help. They engage in mutually satisfying physical affection, sexual passion, and
meaningful or enjoyable activities.

Hierarchy of Values

Power love values are conspicuously hierarchical; it is difficult to strengthen friendship, support, and
loving behavior when there are perceptions of inequality or unfairness. The first step in improving a
relationship should be establishing equality and fairness.

Attitudes That Support Power Love Values

Goodwill: Partners want the best for each other.

Cooperation: Partners work together for the best interests of the family.

Flexibility: Relationships, like life in general, are cruel to the rigid but generally kind to the flexible.

Appreciation and/or acceptance of differences

Partners recognize that they have different temperaments, core vulnerabilities, and emotional histories,
which cause them to give different emotional meaning to many events, behaviors, and circumstances.
They strive to appreciate as many differences as they can (some are part of what first attracted them)
and accept any they cannot appreciate.