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Unfortunately, the concept of tough love stems from the negative view of human nature. It comes from three different
views:
Both normal and abnormal children are driven to manipulate their parents to gratify their forbidden desires.
Parents must forever be skeptical about their child’s motives, even if the motives are positive and benign.
Parents must be vigilant in their child’s behaviors to monitor them and make sure they are doing what they [the
parents] believe is ultimately correct.
The problem however with tough love is two things. The first is that it neglects the child’s capacity of agency. Agency is
defined as a child’s ability to make decisions for themselves and also have experiences that are specifically their own.
The second is that it forces the parent into a position where it must be a constant “power play” between them and the
child in which they must constantly assert their dominance and authority while forcing them to achieve a sense of
perfection that does not exist. If it did exist, they may as well not be human.
However, there is a fine line between two: hostile psychological control and tough love (Fung & Lau, 2012). However, in
Fung & Lau (2012) study, the culture would moderate when the adolescent/child would perceive the parent’s behavior
as either hostile psychological control or “tough love”.
We found that relational induction and psychological control were positively correlated for both cultural groups.
However, culture moderated this relationship, such that the positive association between psychological control
and relational induction was significantly stronger for EA families compared with HK families
Fung, J., & Lau, A. S. (2012)
But it’s also precisely because of this fine line that society finds itself facing climbing rates of suicide, a decline of
mental health, and also a series of dysfunctional family relationships.
This comes from the cultural differences between individualism and collectivism. Individualism, as termed, has society
value that one must focus more on themselves rather than others. They are to focus on enhancing themselves. It also
recognizes the agency that occurs in each individual as they all have their own narrative. However, the issue with a
drastic and radical form of individualism is that it can drive an individual to become extremely ambitious to a fault
and possibly apathetic to people’s feelings.
On the other hand, collectivism focuses on the collective. It focuses on society as a whole. Each individual is therefore
considered a part of a unit which then will reflect the beliefs they all collectively believe in. Asian cultures subscribe
to this. Their beliefs are reflected based on the social institutions (i.e. church, school, and etc.) they go to. They think
often in the lines of, “how can I contribute to society?” While it appears altruistic, a radical form of collectivism may
evolve into psychological abuse and control in which the parent will often use others as a means to humiliate and
“guilt trip” the child.
So, are Asian parents too harsh on their children?
Maybe by Western standards, yes. But there also has to be a balance. Often times, Filipino parents like to assert their
dominance and place extreme importance with respect to the hierarchies in the family. Children are not allowed to
express their thoughts and children who do are often called bastos or pasaway because it may be deviant on what
they think. Also, Filipino parents believe that their child’s deviant thought (i.e. being more accepting of homosexuals)
may cause the rest of their social institutions to look at them negatively which will result in being shunned and
excluded. And like any human being, Filipinos desire two things: to be right and to be liked.
However, this is not justifying that parents must always be hard on their children. On the contrary, parents must be
more mindful of how they speak and handle their children. Not every child is wired the same way. Sometimes, tough
love just don’t cut it because it makes a child feel less confident in themselves. There’s also being too nice in which
some children just need someone to put their foot down.
So, a balance is needed. But know that not every parent has to be perfect because at the end of the day, your child
won’t remember what you told them. But they will remember what you did.
References
Ang, R. P., & Goh, D. H. (2006). Authoritarian parenting style in Asian societies: A cluster-analytic
investigation. Contemporary family therapy, 28(1), 131-151.
Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond parental control and authoritarian parenting style: Understanding Chinese parenting
through the cultural notion of training. Child development, 65(4), 1111-1119.
Fung, J., & Lau, A. S. (2012). Tough love or hostile domination? Psychological control and relational induction in cultural
context. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(6), 966.
Pieper, M. H., & Pieper, W. J. (1992). It’s Not Tough, It’s Tender Love: Problem Teens Need Compassion that the” Tough-
Love” Approach to Child-Rearing Doesn’t Offer Them. Child Welfare, 71(4), 369-377.