M&M’s:

Taking my son to college

I just keep popping M&M's into my mouth. Brown ones, yellow ones,
orange ones, green ones, red ones (don't care about red dye #
whatever, now). I just know if I keep chewing these M&M's I won't cry.
Something about the chomping eases the lump in my throat... We are
all driving silently down Highway 40, heading home…

Minutes earlier we had just hugged Zach in the parking lot of his new
dorm at Chapel Hill. I had been doing great all day... kept telling Scott
"This is Happy-Upbeat-Day!" We need to show Zach we are strong and happy for him so he doesn't get
nervous or scared or sad...

Yes… doing great – smile… as we unload the millions of boxes from the car, hum a little tune… as I work
to put layer after layer of things on his bed. (Did we ever have “mite protectors” when we went to college?
I don’t think so... we just fought off the critters with broom handles, I guess!) His room finally looks great -
cleaner then it probably ever will look for the rest of the year.

Then we all have lunch together in the cafeteria - isn't this fun? We can eat as much as we want.
Normally I don't even eat lunch, but today I keep going back for seconds, then thirds, then 2 or 3
desserts... Scott says, "Donna… we need to go soon..."

Well, let's just first go over to Target and get the list of things he forgot to pack... even though we looked at
those darn lists every day for 3 months as boxes and crates to take to school began to fill up our whole
house! We drive 10 miles to a Super Target and stand in lines with all the other students and parents
doing last minute back-to-school shopping.

Scott: Are we done now?

Me: No, wait! he needs Post-It's!

Scott: That wasn't on the list.

Me: Yes, but you always need to write notes.

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(I am thinking that if we don’t get Post-It notes right now, his whole college experience will fail and he will
be doomed for life.) We get 8 packs of yellow post-its. Then...

Scott: OK... that's everything isn’t it?

Me: Um... you know, he really needs a bulletin board to cover up the nasty back of that desk in his
room. Oh, and an erasable white board, too…
Scott: What for?

Me: So he can write notes to his roommate…

Scott: You just got those Post-Its...

Me: Oh, look! It’s magnetic and you can stick all these little gadgets on it! Look... It’s got an eraser!

Scott: Donna…

I look down at the list... all the items have been scratched off.... I feel like we are forgetting something....
but we aren't. We stand in line...
I gaze absentmindedly at the candy bars and gum packages that line the check-out aisle.

“Oh, Zach!”

Zach (very patiently): "Yes Mom?"

“What's your favorite candy - I want to surprise you with something under your pillow... so tell me quick,
then forget I asked!"
Zach: “I don’t need any…”

Me (pleading like a 5-year-old): “Please!?”

Zach: "Sour patch gummies, then..."

We drive back to the room. We better help him get all the NEW things unpacked now! (Sure, he got in to
Chapel Hill and got 800's on his SAT's but I am sure that he will never be able to figure out how to open a
box of staples and load his stapler…) He still needs me. Of course, he does!

I know in my head that he is a grown man now, he is strong and smart and funny and capable. I am so
proud... Then why am I so sad!?

Finally everything is set up, but now his roommate, James, arrives and all his stuff is all over the place,
just like Zach's was a few hours earlier. James's mom is even vacuuming... the new area rug she brought
to "brighten up the room". I think how hard this must be on James's parents, too - James and Kelly are
twins, both are here now, and I bet Mrs. Dunville would give her eye teeth to hear them fighting over who
gets the bathroom for just one more day! She is losing her first, her last all on the same day... I still have 2

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more years left with Tate at least before I am the dreaded "empty nester!" Zach’s friend from high school,
Jacob, comes in the room.

“Where's your dorm, Jacob?”

“Right next door in West Tower. You really should stop by and see it - it looks pretty cool.”

“I bet it does!” I say. (Mrs. Conger is famous for being creative and organized and… well... perfect! I bet
the room is a showplace!) I promise Jacob we will swing by on our way out... I am dying to see how it
looks!

And then it is time to go.... I mean really time..... I am still “Happy Upbeat!”

"Okey dokey, Babe, here it goes! Time to say good bye. Love ya! Don’t forget to write. Here we go..."

I look at Zach ...then decide to hug James and the Dunvilles first. That is much easier. Then Scott says
“Zach, why don’t you walk us down to the car." The car is far away. That is good...

We get to the lobby and I remember I had promised to see Jacob's room. I start to go that way. Scott
says, "It's time to go, Donna. You can see Jacob's room another time..."

But no I can't… I won’t be here… I'll never see Jacob's room! My throat is getting tight now and my eyes
are starting to well a bit. Suddenly there is nothing in the world more important than seeing Jacob's room.
With Zach, of course!

“C'mon, Mom!” Tate says. Now I notice his voice is a little shaky. Why does everyone want to go but me??

“Come on, Zach,” I say a little stronger. (Am I really going to make a scene to get my way here?!)

I play the guilt card…”I don't ask that much of you.” (I am not proud of this!)

And he grimaces and starts to reluctantly follow me back towards Jacob's dorm, leaving Tate and Scott
just staring at us in disbelief.

“Thanks,” I say to him. I feel I have won a small victory. Two steps into the walk back, my throat has
constricted so much that I cannot breathe. The moment I have been dreading all day, no, all year, maybe

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since dropping him off at Kindergarten (that seems like nothing, compared to this day) is finally here. I
know, now, I will not be able to see Jacob's room. A brief picture flashes through my mind of me walking
into Jacob's room and bursting into tears. I absolutely do not want to do that. That would be a terrible end
to "Happy, Upbeat Day!"

I look at Zach and say, “Come on, let's walk back to the car."

Tate and Scott haven't moved, still standing there frozen, in some kind of “in-between” time. Zach walks
over and hugs his dad ...tight. Then he hugs me again. And then he pauses and looks at Tate. Tate goes
over and hugs him so tight, so long, that I feel he is never going to let go...

And that's when I lose it. When I see Tate's face... He has been so "manly" this summer, driving with his
new license, even shaving a few times a week, and filling out and really growing up... so to see this
breaks my heart. Suddenly Tate realizes that no matter how much Zach can irritate the hell out of him,
and believe me, Zach can irritate the hell out of anyone! …no matter all the wars and disagreements they
have had over silly things like who gets "Top" or who gets "Bottom" to empty the dishwasher, or whose
week it is to do garbage (yucky task) versus Recycling (Much easier), today he is actually saying goodbye
to his "best-est" friend. His face is full of anguish and he goes from 16 years old briefly down to 6 again as
the tears just flow down his cheeks, but then just as quickly back to 16 as he gives Zach a manly hug and
uses his sleeve to wipe his eyes dry.

I search Zach's face for any sign that this is getting to him as much as it is to all of us. I can see his eyes
are beginning to brim up a little but he is still trying to smile a brave smile. He is excited to go start his new
independent life. And that is a good thing. It is always harder for those left behind than it is for those going
on...

But now we are all getting back into the truck, well... all of us but Zach, we are backing out, Zach is
waving to us, he is turning to walk away back to his dorm, his new friends, his new life. Tate is sitting
stoically in the back seat, his dusty face still streaked with tear tracks. Scott is trying to steer the huge
truck out of the parking lot, but his eyes, I notice, are filled too and I wonder how he can even see to drive.

And the next thing I know we are on the road, then the highway, and we are driving home. My throat is
still choked up. It hurts to breathe. I am trying to be brave. But I am not succeeding...

Then I remember... I had secretly placed a bag of M&M's and a bag of Sour Patch candies under each of
the guys' pillows before leaving. But I still had 2 bags of M&M's left. I offer them to Tate, then Scott... Both
shake their heads no. So then I open the pack. I notice the package claims to actually be a "double pack."
That is a good thing. I put one in my mouth. Then another. They taste great. I must be hungry because I
barely ate any lunch, right?!

But these are good. Soooo good! I never want to run out of M&M's!! I will just keep eating them till I get
back to Charlotte. Red, green, yellow, blue....then a whole handful, then another handful. I will just keep
eating them for the whole year till Zach comes home again. When he gets back at break, I will have
turned into a Giant "M" but that is ok. I hope it is not a green one... Maybe I should just eat the brown
ones... then I will look tan, right?! The thought makes me smile a little. I realize I still have my sense of
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humor. That is another good thing... I am gonna be OK. We are all gonna be OK. We just can't run out of
M&M's!

Posted by Donna Krasner

August 23, 2010 (Zach’s first day at UNC, Chapel Hill)