Evilgoddss - The Original Naked Quidditch Match

Copyright Page
This book was automatically created by FLAG on March 19th, 2013, based on
content retrieved from http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3689325/.
The content in this book is copyrighted by Evilgoddss or their authorised

agent(s). All rights are reserved except where explicitly stated otherwise.
This story was first published on July 29th, 2007, and was last updated on July
29th, 2007.
Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated - please email any bugs, problems,
feature requests etc. to flag@erayd.net.
Table of Contents
Summary
1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5
6. Chapter 6
7. Chapter 7
8. Chapter 8
9. Chapter 9
10. Chapter 10
-3-
Summary
When a Magical game of Truth & Dare goes wrong, the Gryffindor Quidditch team
must 'bare' up and face the consequences. And as the news spreads like wildfire in
mmail things get quite out of control.
-4-
Chapter 1
Naked Quidditch Match - The Beginning
Note from the Author:there have been several attempts by fans to post this
story on the internet. When I originally wrote this fic, it was a private story to be
shared with a few friends, and I never intended it to go out on the 'net. However, it
was well loved by my friends, and much like gossip spread like wildfire. I agreed
with two of my friends for a private posting on their website for re-reading. Years
later, in order to keep from plagiarsm of my work, I'm posting it here with the rest
of my fanfics. I hope it still is very enjoyable now with the last book in all reader's
hands, and that you can find a smile or laugh in it.
One last note, there are some corrections and changes on this version that were
NOT on the site. This site, btw, is now defunct and the story is not available there.
One reviewer noted the "size" changes, for example. Done due to the cough upset of
some young men who notified me that 17.7825cm x 11.945cm was much too small
for a young man of 16. Also, for those that saw the original measurements in the
"inches" -- not very British, I'm told. However, to anyone who questions my original
ownership, I can prove it beyond a doubt. I can provide the original word documents
-- and the editor marks to prove my ownership of this story. Heck, I even have the
original graphics that were made up for it. - Anya
To: All Students
From: Deputy Head Mistress, M. McGonagall
Re: Naked Quidditch (11/15/01)
As reported, by part of your foolish use of Magical Truth or Dare, the next
Quidditch game conducted by the Gryffindor team in the buff. Given the nature of
this particular game, the staff of Hogwarts will ensure temperatures in the
Quidditch field stay reasonable.
All betting regarding the various sizes and weights of student equipment is not
condoned. Should a magical measure stick be seen in the vicinity of the field on
game day, there will be 500 points deducted from the house and a month of
detentions.
-5-
Students in first through third years playing on the team are exempted from this
display, as they were non-participants in the foolish game. They are to remain in
their Quidditch uniforms.
Given the fact jock cups cannot be used in this game as per the restrictions of a
"naked Quidditch challenge", any male student who wishes to learn of a genitalia
protection spell may come to my office in confidence.
I would like to stress to all students that this type of 'dare' from a Truth and Dare
game is unacceptable, but magically blinding. Please do try to engage brains before
making foolish choices.
-Professor M. McGonagall
To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Game Next Week
Oy. Okay, so we all know we're playing starkers. Letting it all hang out. Exposing
our bits. Flaunting our glory...just to ensure we put those Slytherin gits to shame,
anyone needing an 'enhancement' potion should let us know before the game. Well
before the game. You'll need a nights rest and some practice to get used to the new
balls, if you know what we're meaning.
Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woed. Anyone care
for the Pict-Quidd team? I think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Katie, Alicia
and Angelina, eh ladies?
Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 2".
Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nekkid on
the field, but still. We may yet find a way to verify measurements. Oh, and Harry?
Your fan-club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might want to
consider posing for 'em.
F&G
G&F
-6-
To: Harry's Girls (All Members)
From: Ginny / Founder
Re: Game Next Week
We've got Colin's camera! Anyone knowing a good way to disguise it as nothing
more than Omnioculars please let me know!
Oh, and btw, I've snitched (err. No pun intended) my brother's omnioculars. That's
a total of 3 pair I can lend out... first come first serve.
Lastly, the design team for the Harry Potter Nude 2002 Calendar should meet
IMMEDIATELY after the game!
Gin
To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re GQ Teammates Memo
Fred, George:
You are SO very dead.
- Katie, Alicia and Angelina
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Charm for Camera
You can never admit to Ron that this came from me. Attached is the charm you
need. I've also included another charm that will let an omnioculor capture an image
and store it for downloading onto photograph paper.
-7-
You reallyREALLY mustn't let anyone know what the omnioculors can do.
Especially not Ron. He'll KNOW the charm came from me. It's taken me six months
to get him to ease up on the Viktor thing; I'll not have him go cross-eyed every time
Harry is in the same room as he and I.
Just so you know I've tested the charm on my omnioculor already. And no, you
can't see the pictures. They're personal.
H.G.
To: George and Fred Weasley
From: Lee
Re: You guys have a BIG Problem.
Mates, we're going to loose the bet. Harry's gone AWOL. I overhead Dumbledore
talking to McGonagall and they think he's just handed himself over to Voldemort
rather than play the game starkers.
BTW, Alicia and crew have it out for you. They've been practicing beat-the-beater
and their aim is PHENOMENAL! You'd best see McGonagall re the protection
charm.
Good luck!
-Lee
To: Angelina & Katie
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re: The Damn Quidditch Match
Look, ladies. I know we're only caught up in this damn nightmare because of Fred
and George, but it could be worse.
Face facts. We are hot women. All those Quidditch practices and whatnot have left
us lean, trim and very firm. And, we're not lacking in other assets, either.
-8-
So, the boys want to ogle. I say we provide a show that would put the Veela's to
shame. I've gone to McGonagall and got the protection charm. I'll not have bruises
show on my body! I also asked for the waxing charm.
So, how about a girls beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and
keep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starkers
because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease?
- Alicia
To: Fred and George
From: Ron
Re: Your AWOL Seeker
Sorry mates, but Hogsmeade's entire supply of Butterbeer just ain't gonna cut it.
Keep in mind, I've learned from the best jokers in Hogwarts. You'll have to come up
with more than that for me to spill Harry's location. Now, if you can find a stripping
charm for Hermione and access to a room for private showing, then we'll talk.
Oh, and I just got two owls from Bill and Charlie. They wanna know if it's too late
for them to submit their bids for the golden snitches. Percy, of course, declined to
wager.
- Ron
To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred Weasley
Re: Finding Harry
Checked with Ron, Lee. He's not budging. You sure that Lavender's on the level
about those piccy's Hermione has?
- Fred
(and George)
-9-
To: Fred AND George
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Pictures
Word is, our resident Gryffindor Super-Genius has found a way to turn
Omnioculors into a digital camera. Right neat or wot?
She's got some interesting snaps of your little brother Ronniekins from the
locker-room showers. I'd say she's been lifting Harry's Cloak of Iniquity.
And George, insecurity complex much?
Lee
To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Err? What?
You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera?
-F&G
To: Ron Weasley
From: His Wonderful Big Brothers
Re: AWOL Seeker
Dear Ronniekins
It has come to our attention, via our elaborate and exotic spy network that
someone (who shall go unnamed until you tell us where our vanished seeker is) has
taken advantage of your trust and captured you in the buff on film.
For the price of such information that leads to the whereabouts of one Harry
- 10 -
Potter, we will divulge the perpetrator, the method of the crime and provide you
with the originals of the incriminating photos.
And no, Ronnie... they aren't the baby pictures Mummy took.
Brotherly Love,
Fred & George
To: All Gryffindors
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Attention All Gryffindors
If I find the perv who has been sneaking around taking pictures of me starkers, I'll
do worse than an unforgiveable curse!
And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking!
Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let
me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall!
- Ron Weasley.
To: Ginny Weasley
Re: You didn't tell him!
Ginny!
Please tell me you didn't tell Ron about the Omnioculors! Please! Omigod! How
did he find out about the pictures?! What am I going to do if he finds out it was me!
Hermione
- 11 -
To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Pictures
You're NOT serious! You took naked pictures of MY brother? Are you out of your
mind? What on earth would you want pictures of THAT git for?
I haven't told Ron anything. I'm quite put out with him, he's hiding Harry, I just
know it, and he won't say where.
As for dealing with Ron... when in doubt, lie. Make something up. He's so gullible
he'd believe you if you swore your unending love for him.
Err. You don't love him, do you? I'm sure there's a tonic for that.
- Ginny
To: Ron Weasley
From: Your Secret Admirer
Re: Rumors of Pictures
Dear Ron,
I am a female student in the upper classes. I am in a few of your classes, and have
been since first year.
Umm. I don't know what to say other than...

IhaveacrushonyouandIhavethepicturesyouweretalkingabout. I don't know how you
found out about them. I've shown NO ONE! And I won't.
Please don't go to McGonagall. Please! I couldn't bear to have you find out who I
am, because... because I know you couldn't possibly like me too.
- Your Secret Admirer
- 12 -
From: Your Bestest Bud, Ron
Re: Help?
Hey Mione!
Remember when you were explaining the things about the Mmail system here?
What was it you said about IP #'s being traceable? I can't remember. Is there a way
to look up WHO sent you something by IP number?
Let me know! I'll read HaH if you can help!
- Ron
From: Fred & George Weasley
Re: Our Missing Seeker
Alicia, Katie and Angelina, with all due respect, we've gone to McGonagall and got
the protective charm. You three are playing wrong positions! You should be Beaters!
Good news, though. We've found Harry. The git has been hiding under his
invisibility cloak in the Chamber of Secrets for the past three days to avoid
detection. Our darling baby sister went down and hauled him up. You've got to
admire her persistence to a goal.
At any road, Harry's under 24-hour guard now. And Snape has promised to ensure
he doesn't poison or wound him in class. We don't know what the fool's worried
about. We share lockers with him; he's got nothing to be ashamed about. Really.
NOTHING.
- Gred and Forge
- 13 -
From: Harry Potter
Re: The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in.
Here's an idea... let's concede the game. LET the Slytherin's take the bloody cup.
I'm not going out there starkers!
- Harry
Re: Concede the game?!
We can't possibly concede the game! Are you mad, Harry?! If we even consider it,
think of what Malfoy's gonna say. Not only do we have our personal prides at stake
here, but also the glory of our House.
And if anyone else is even considering this idea, we'll go straight to McGonagall.
She's not going to let her House go down to Slytherin after that horrendous 7-year
loss to them in the House Cup.
Oh, and Harry, if only the bets on the size of your prized jewels were House
points, we'd win the House Cup as fast as Percy can apparate downstairs.
- Gred and Forge
To: All Gryffindors
From: Neville Longbottom
Re: NAKED
Now that I have your attention, I'd like to remind everyone that November 13th, is
W i l l ' s birthday.
And NO, I don't know why we have to space his name out like that. We just do! So,
say Happy Birthday when you see him, and just for the day, don't hex him.
- 14 -
- NL
To: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Fred & George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Allow me to dispel the rumors. My measurements are precisely 6.23" x 2.75" in

width. Anyone wanting diameter, provide a tape measure and I'll bloody give you
that too!
Having spoiled the gambling, I suggest you all get a refund from the pool from
Fred and George
Best regards,
- Harry
To: Harry Potter
Re: Measurements
How could you do that to us? Your mates, your chums, you buds... your
teammates! How, Harry? How?
To: Harry Potter
From: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
Re: Fred, George...
Mr. Potter:
I expect to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning!
- 15 -
Deputy Headmistress
Minerva McGonagall
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Harry's Measurements
Oh my goodness. Did you SEE that Ginny? Over 6"! YUM!
- Lav
To: Harry Potter
From: A Gryffindor Admirer
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurement
Dear Harry,
As an avid fan of your Quidditch prowess (among other things), may I suggest that
a neutral party (i.e. a non-Gryffindor and non-Slytherin) take your measurements?
Who's to say that any of your answers could be believed considering our House
and Slytherin are active participators in this Quidditch match?
I'm sure a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw wouldn't mind volunteering for this tedious
and most difficult task.
Go Gryffindors!
- An admirer
To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
- 16 -
Re: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
Re: House Pride
I've just been informed by emergency Owl Post about this Stark Quidditch Match.
Harry, what do you think you're doing?! Rule # 1 is never giving Slytherin ANY
advantage! Sure you're in a rather compromising position with this game, but
winning the game is your first priority!
Now go and recant your measurements before Slytherin finds out. I've worked
hard to put Gryffindor at the top, and so did your teammates. Don't let your pants us
down! Just remember that we've got the best Quidditch team in the school... and our
reputation depends on YOU!
Feel free to Owl me for Quidditch tips.
- Oliver
To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry Potter
Re: Teamwork.
Ollie:
No real disrespect intended but-- Go to Hell.
- Harry
To: Fred & George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Harry's Attitude
Listen, chaps. I just had the most appalling email back from Potter. I think you
both need to take a firm look at how you're managing your Captaincy.
- 17 -
It's about Teamwork. Working together and making sacrifices for the team. You've
got to encourage him to have a more sporting outlook. Sure, I realize I'm not the one
having to go Starkers in front of the entire student body... but still.
D'ya suppose his reluctance has to do with how the entire student body will be
ogling HIS body and no one else's?
- Oliver
To: Oliver Wood
Re: Err? Fred? George?
Hey, Oliver:
1. It is our sincere hope that the MALES of the student body are not inclined to
ogle Harry. That's just sick, man.
2. Excuse us, but -- Go To Hell!
- Fred & George
To: Ginny Weasley
Re: Hello?
Ginny? Did you get my email? Are you okay? No one's heard from you since
Saturday?
- Lavender
To: Lavender Brown
- 18 -
Re: Worried about Ginny
Lavender,
I found her. She was practically catatonic on her bed with a measuring rule and
that bloody email of Harry's. I took her to Madam Pomfrey and we're pretty sure
she's not foaming at the mouth, just drooling.
Hermione
To: Harry Potter, Fred & George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Ginny's Condition
Goddamnit, Harry! You know my little sister has a crush on you! Did you HAVE to
send out that email glorifying your endowment?
Hermione took her down to the Infirmary. She was foaming at the mouth and
wouldn't let go of a printout of that email and a measuring tape!
This is ALL your fault, Fred, George. Wait till Mom finds out!
And Harry -- stay away from my little sister!
- Ron
To: Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Ginny's Condition
Err? Ron? I'm your bloody roomie? Why are we emailing each other this stuff?
- Harry
- 19 -
To: A Gryffindor Admirer
From: Harry Potter
CC: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurements
For the sake of accuracy in the gambling regarding the assets of the Quidditch
team, why not measure all of us?
Just contact Hermione Granger to work out a schedule that's agreeable and I'll
drop my trousers for your review if Fred & George drop theirs.
- Harry Potter
- 20 -
Chapter 2
Naked Quidditch Match - Second Verse, Much Like the First
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Harry's Response
He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?
To: Lee Jordan
Re: The Bluff
Ah, our fine panicking friend. When the bluffee bluffs the bluffer, then raise the
bluff.
One word to solve our dilemma: Draco.
The question is: HOW?!
- Gred and Forge
To: Ron Weasley
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches
Hey little brother,
You might want to give Harry a head's up. The word about the NQM next
Thursday has gotten out to the media.
- 21 -
And, apparently the betting for the Golden Snitches have gotten really ridiculous.
There isn't a wizarding pool to TOP the highest winning prize for this one!
Err. So, how about giving your family a tip in what to bet? Think of it as investing
in the betterment of Weasley Lifestyles everywhere.
- Bill.
To: Bill Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches
Harry, great prat he is, went public with the size and weight of the Snitches.
Ginny's gone catatonic as a result, and let me tell you, the smile on her face is
frightening. We're still trying to pry the measuring tape from her hands.
Anyway, if you must know: 6.23 x 2.75.
Ron.
To: Harry Potter
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Measurements
How could you, Harry?
- Bill
To: Bill Weasley; Ron Weasley; Charlie Weasley Ungodly Duo
From: Harry Potter
Re: I defeated Voldemort Once
- 22 -
Some spport, if you don't boody mind, would be verry appreciated. Because of the
idiot-duo-from-Hell, I have to go streaking how there all exposed, adn YOU are a
worried about making money off my humiliation?
Yuir all to kind. I've already got a week's worth of detention from McGonagall.
And I won't even MENTION the lecture I got.
By the way, Ron. I went and saw Ginny. She's fine now.
Harry.
To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Your Email
Mate, I really do understand where you're coming from. Fred and George really
have stuck their foot in it this time.
Listen, talk to Hermione about this situation. No, not about the starkers part, but
how to get around the humiliation of it all. You can't go out there with robes (or
clothes) on. I get that. But, surely there's a way around the utter exposure... I'm
thinking there must be a charm of obscurity you could use.
Get my drift?
Oh, and Harry? You're letting all of this stress you too much. Your command of the
English language is slipping away.
- Charlie
P.S. Remember, it can't be worse than dodging a clutching dragon!
To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Your Email
- 23 -
I love you man.
Really!
HP
From: Harry Potter
Re: Fw: Your Email
Herm...
You're kidding? Anti-charm wards? Tell me it's a joke. Please. You're my best
friend, surely YOU can think of a way around this?
- Harry
To: Ginny Weasley
Re: Your Plan
Ginny,
I'm glad you're feeling better. I was really worried about you. However, having
said that, I'm a little concerned about that idea you had.
I read the note you gave me in the Great Hall and compiled a list of possibilities to
go wrong in Arithmancy. The consequences, you understand, are dire. If this doesn't
work, Ron will hate me and Harry will never forgive me!
Oh, and btw, you should warn your brothers that McGonagall is now setting up
anti-magic charms to ward off any potions, lotions or enhancement charms the
teams can come up with. She's deliberately targeting it on people, not brooms.
See, that's the trick. I told Harry the concealment or obscurity spell he wanted
- 24 -
was impossible, but it's NOT! He could charm the broomstick to do it for the specific
rider!
Anyway, I'm panicking over here. Are you SURE you have a scapegoat out for
those blasted pictures?
- Hermione
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: My Ingenious Weasley Plan
Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you're asking me if I can outwit my
brothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES!
I've observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can
out-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be
crying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want
to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for you, then
there's no accounting for taste.)
After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries, there.
Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me.
You did tell McGonagall you didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for performing
your civic duty, didn't you?
- Ginny
P.S. D'ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much
paranoia?
To: Ginny Weasley
Re: McGonagall
- 25 -
Oh no! I forgot!
-hg
To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Charlie Weasley
Re: This !#$ Quidditch Match
Bugger you two! There isn't a single bloody way out of this mess that you've
caused. I may never forgive you for this, dammit! I already have your sister and
most of the female residents of this damn Tower in a "HP Fan Club". I'm not daft.
This is just the kind of foolishness that will get me listed in Witch Weekly AGAIN!
Do you have NO sense of shame? I had a glimmer of hope, a shining moment of

sanity courtesy of Charlie. However, Hermione just broke the rotten news to me--
there are no charms or enchantments at all will work, as Dumbledore and
McGonagall are setting up an anti-charm field. And I checked with Madam Hooch. I
can't even 'dress' up my broom to protect my modesty.
You've gone too far, dammit!
- Harry
To: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers
As an experienced Captain of our Illustrious Gryffindor House Team, could you

bless us, your successors, with a pearl or two of wisdom?
Just how bad is it to irritate the star Gryffindor Seeker who has defeated
Voldemort twice?
- 26 -
Hugs and Kisses,
- Gred and Forge
(We luv you man!)
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers
Up until Harry joined the team, the last win for the Gryffindor House was with
your own brother Charlie.
Harry broke a significant and brutal dry spell, bless him. More importantly, he's
never lost us a game... well, unless he was in the hospital wing at the time. Or
passed out from a Dementor.
Bottom line, YOU DON'T PISS OFF THE SEEKER!
Now. There's no hope for it. I've heard from Harry, as you well know, and he's not
taking this Naked Quidditch Match at all well. And truthfully, now that I've gone up
in the ranks of my team, I can understand where he's coming from.
I've had to go underground. Change my fireplace and delist its address on the
Floo-network. It's disastrous. There's even FAN CLUBS for me now! Seriously!
Deranged women are throwing themselves at me, and I'm listed as the #8 most
eligible bachelor. (Don't tell Harry, but he's been #1 for the past two years.)
Bottom line, it's a fine mess you've put the team into. I'd be very afraid for your
lives if I were you. If Harry doesn't hand you over to Voldemort personally, then the
girls are going to make you WISH that he had.
And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It's not dignified.
- Oliver
- 27 -
To: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers
Do you really think the girls are going to get us?
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers
Hell. Yes.
- Oliver
To: Oliver Wood
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Re: Star Seekers
Our little Ollie has all grown up. We're so proud of you... cursing like that. It's just
so... so... manly.
sob Where has our whittle captain gone? He's all big and grown and cursing now.
F&G
To: FRED and GEORGE Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Star Seekers
Oh, sod off! I've been up for the past eighteen hours with practice and press
- 28 -
conferences, plus a game. You two twats are enough to drive Dumbledore into a
cursing rant.
I'm amazed you've survived this long. Though, I'm sure Katie or Angelina will be
taking care of THAT issue anytime now, if Harry doesn't himself.
Best of luck, chaps. You'll need it.
- Oliver.
P.S. Don't call me Ollie. It's 'Oliver'
To: Charlie Weasley
From: Gred and Forge Weasles
Re: Seeking Seeker Advice
After a brief discussion with our previous Gryffindor captain, we're seeking a
second opinion.
How do we pacify the best Seeker our House has seen since you-- our beloved
older and wiser brother, and formerly Captain and Seeker of the team-- left
Hogwarts?
Oliver said not to piss Harry off, but well, too late! And you've seen Harry's last
Mmail.
Got any advice to help us at least make it to the game?
Much brotherly love (and we'll even worship the ground you walk on),
- Gred and Forge
To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Star Seekers
- 29 -
I'm appalled to say this but-- concede the game. The idiot-duo has definitely gone
too far this time!
Do you know, it took me 3 hours to get into my flat yesterday. 3 hours! And that's
from the curb to the front door! Women were mauling me, all wanting to play with
the bigger staff.
My testicles are bruised, and I probably won't be able to have children. All
because I play bloody Quidditch. If it's this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I
realize that it'll be much worse for you. I'm just starting to get recognition in our
leading sport… you're the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they're
selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards before
you leave school!
Harry, if the twins don't concede the game-- RUN!
- Oliver
To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Ladies
From: Harry Potter
Re: Those Weasley Bastards
Ladies,
I'm given to understand you have some... plans of revenge developed. Given my
own personal viewpoints regarding this upcoming match, I'm asking to be allowed to
participate in your onset of revenge.
Basically: If George and Fred are going to suffer, I wish to help deliver up their
suffering. Profoundly.
As I'm sure you've been informed, all charms and attempts to preserve our
modesty are now forbidden. I believe there is some internal... efforts in ensuring
that we're as exposed as possible. Heaven knows, my bloody "fan club" is apparently
preparing to market "The Naked Truth: Harry Potter Exposed" as a 2002/2003
academic calendar.
To put things mildly, I'm going to become a raging alcoholic if things don't get
- 30 -
under control soon.
And it's all Fred & George's fault. I'm within an inch of calling up ol' Tom and
joining forces.
Whattaya say, ladies?
Harry, The Unamused Seeker
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender soon-to-be-Finnegan
Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar
Ginny!
I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's
been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!
Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar
to be licensed and marketed retail.
Your thoughts?
Lavender
- 31 -
Chapter 3
Naked Quidditch Match – Third Time Around
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender soon-to-be Finnegan
Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar
I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's
been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!
Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar
to be licensed and marketed retail.
Your thoughts?
Lavender
To: Professor Dumbledore
From: M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Dangerous circumstands
Albus:
I am very concerned about Harry Potter's mental state with regard to the
upcoming Quidditch Match.
As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical
wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire
Gryffindor team must play the upcoming match in the buff.
Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone
anticipated the depth of Harry's revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I can not blame
the poor lad.
- 32 -
His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding members, has
set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry's... play
at the upcoming game.
Albus... the boy has threatened to join forces with Voldemort unless something is
done! Help!
- Minerva
To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore
Re: The Quidditch Match
Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden
Forrest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the terms of the dare.
Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there.
- Albus
To: Professor Dumbledore
From: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: The Quidditch Match
Of course they're not going into the Forbidden Forest, you git! They're not playing
IN the Bluff, they're dared to play Starkers. Naked. Nude.
NOW do you see my problem?
Minerva
To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
From:Albus Dumbledore
- 33 -
Re: Re: Re: The Quidditch Match
Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to establish the President of Harry's fan
club. If they're to profit off of the calendar, a certain percentage should be returned
to the school, do you not think?
I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president.
- Albus
To: Harry Potter
From:Remus Lupin
Re: Harry Potter Fanclub information
Harry, the most alarming mmail has been issued to me. I'm sharing this to you in
confidence, son, as it's the least I can do.
Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the upcoming
game. I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the TERMS of the game.
Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven't they?
Harry... there's no hope for the calendar, I'm afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore
have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will get the
pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden.
I've sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best
suited for handling.
- Moony
To: Gryffindor Tower (all)
From:Harry Potter
CC: Remus Lupin, Snuffles
- 34 -
Re: My Beloved Fan Club
It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan club intends to produce and
market my assets from the upcoming game.
Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needful to
point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As such, I will
have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, or aids in the
production.
HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of
control, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my
terms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your
naked pictures, you can have them. But if I'm going to be splattered across Britain in
all my natural glory then I want a cut.
- Harry
To: Harry Potter
From:Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Harry, m'lad... that was ruddy brilliant. If you're going to be burned this bad, take
it over and make it a statement in your favor.
Look, here's my take. You're not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good
Witchkeeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn't have you has the #1 eligible man in
Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.)
Quidditch has built up your body. No, you're not as broad in the shoulder as that
muggle Arnold, but you're enough to give a full grown man a few minutes thought
before taking you on.
So. Here's my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let's get some professional
shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let's make this
a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can
- 35 -
do this.
- Snuffles
To: Harry Potter
From:Remus Lupin
CC: Snuffles
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Harry, I'm willing to bet you're freaking. I'm not one to do the testosterone
display, but here's some words that may get you through this. A mantra, if you will.
"When you got it, flaunt it."
You've got the prowess in the game, you've got the admiration of the ladies, the
respect of your peers, and I heard about that mmail... 6.23 x 2.75, wasn't it? You can
definitely take that to Gringotts!
- Remus
To: Tom Marvello Riddle
From:Your Favorite Enemy
Re: Joining the dark side of the Force
Tom, I've been thinking. Why should we be enemies? I've got the skills you're
looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won't do subservient, I think you could use
a young, canny partner.
Whattaya think?
Harry Potter
To: Harry Potter
- 36 -
From:Ginny Weasley
Re: Your Beloved Fan Club
Harry, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I'm president of your fan club.
I'm ashamed to admit, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but... in recent
seeing how much this is disturbing you, we're willing to scrap the project.
If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an official
one?
Ginny
To: Harry Potter
From:M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Your Beloved Fan Club
Potter! What do you THINK you're doing?! I want to see you immediately after
class today!
- McGonagall
To: Harry Potter
From:Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
6.23 inches? Are you kidding me? And you're worried about WHAT again?
To: Padfoot
From:Moony
- 37 -
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Padfoot...
Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.
- Moony
To: My Most Hated Enemy
From:Lord Voldemort
Re: Your Mmail
How did you get my Mmail address, Potter?
That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my
minion or my enemy.
L.V.
To: Ginny Weasley
From:Harry Potter
Re: Fan Clubs
Ginny,
How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn't ask to be famous
or want to be! I just want a normal life. I won't authorize a fan club. BUT, before you
go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise.
It's been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be flames
of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as
a) They are professionally taken photographs
- 38 -
b) I have final approval; and
c) 25 of sales goes to a charity of my choice.
Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further.
Harry
To: HP Fanclub, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny
Re: The Calendar
Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry has
agreed (with terms) to the production of the calendar.
That's right. We're getting our naked Harry after all. All 6.23 in. of him. (And as
Lavender pointed out, that's an unexcited 6.23 in.!)
I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The
photographer will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry.
Harry is asking that a 25 percent cut go to the St. Mungos Victims Unit. I think
that very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charges
and legal fees for marketing.
Is this man a prince or what?
- Ginny
To: Oliver Wood
From:Harry Potter
Re: A Wild Little Idea
Listen, Oliver, this may sound nutters, but... I've got a plan.
- 39 -
Since the calendar can't be stopped, I'm making it into a charity thing. And, I'm
arranging for professional photos.
What's this got to do with you? This. You're being mobbed by YOUR fans, right?
While I won't pose WITH you, if you're gutsy enough to do this we can increase
revenues (which are going to St. Mungos Victims Unit) and make us look less like
victims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation.
What do you think?
- Harry
To: Harry Potter
From:Oliver Wood
Re: Your Wild Little Idea
You're completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it's a
ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not make the descent into madness
look planned.
I'm in. And, taking a wild guess at what you're going at, I've sent feelers out to
other 'young studs' of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum's in too, if you're interested.
- Ollie
"The Bigger Staff"
To: Oliver Wood
From:Harry Potter
CC: Viktor Krum
Re: The Calendar
Gentlemen:
- 40 -
Welcome aboard. I've arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very
controversial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to
me by Charlie Weasley
The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the
charity nature of the project.
If possible, I'd like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that
I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE the game
as a distraction tactic.
How's Wednesday for you gents?
- Harry
P.S. Bigger Staff? snort Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many years
for THAT to wash. You're good. But you're not THAT good.
To: Tommy
From:Harry
Re: Minions
Quite okay, Old Chap.
I'll just take over.
- HP
From:Your Seeker
Re: The Game
Ladies and Bastards,
I want you to be aware of some of my recent... business ventures. First, my
- 41 -
unofficial fan-clubs plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no
photographs will be taken during the game.
All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione

Granger) have been given into my custody.
Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday,

and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. Joining me for this calendar, although
not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Wood (I'll
pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum.
I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, and I
should forewarn them... I've already informed the Prophet, plugging the charity
aspect of this venture.
25 percent of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St.
Mungos Victims Unit.
I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the
Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I'll have
this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me.
As a good friend pointed out, "When you got it, flaunt it."
Ladies, with unabashed candor: You've got it.
Bastards, we're gonna make you look BAD.
And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself.
I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alliance
between Voldemort and I.
The Seeker
To: Harry Potter
From:Ginny Weasley
Re: The Photos
- 42 -
Harry, I've been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity
without the full monty?
- Ginny
To: Ginny Weasley
From:Harry Potter
Re: Re: The Photos
Why, Ginny...
Don't you want my full monty anymore?
Harry
To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Full Monty
Only if it's for a private showing. Very private.
To: Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re:The Full Monty
HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAKING A PASS AT MY SISTER

LIKE THAT?!
There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any

Monty to my sister!
- 43 -
And Ginny... watch your language, or I'm telling Mum!
- Ron
To: The Prat
From:His Sister
CC: Harry Potter, Mum
Re: Montage
Dear Ron:
First, what are you doing snooping through Harry's sent files and trash? The
mmails I send, or he sends me are none of your business.
Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I
promised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry's
feelings into consideration.
So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word montage. You know, the library isn't
an evil place.
Your vengeful little sister,
Ginny
To: Potter
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions
Are you threatening ME?
-LV
- 44 -
To: TOMMY!!!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions
Why, yes! Now that you ask.
Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
- Harry
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Susan Bones
Re: The Calendar
Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Crum are ALL posing
for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch American woman and
the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds.
Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo-sessions? Just to
ensure accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he's generously proportioned,
wouldn't you like to validate that?
Sassy
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Fwd: Re: The Calendar
- 45 -
Hermione, I'd go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensitive about this subject.
Do you know where they are doing the photos or how security is going to be done?
I'm not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but... well, that would be nice... still, I'm
more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo-area.
Somehow, I don't think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really
quite frankly DON'T want any other woman fondling his bits.
- Ginny
To:Ginny
Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
GINNY! Do you MIND? That's one of my best friends you're mentally molesting! I
feel quite rightly nauseous!
HG
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own brother in the buff? No matter,
I'll just go talk with Ron...
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Hermione Granger
- 46 -
Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
Gin,
I'm dying here. Do stop. The Photoshoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick
are providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special
professional camera.
If you want to come to the shoot, that's fine. There are charms being placed on
Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us... err... you know.
Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we're doing a shot of
"Quidditch" with us riding dragons. (Don't ask. Please? Apparently, it's a campaign
for the more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a
spectacle to keep peoples eyes off of my chums, and me don't you think?
And please, don't go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club? And
Hermione? You're the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it's driving him
UTTERLY insane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you
thinking?
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To:Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
Re: Those damned pictures
I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EITHER of you tell Ron, I'll
make sure he knows about the full content of your discussion two nights past.
- Hermione
To:Hermione Granger-Weasley
- 47 -
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Those damned pictures
My, my... hostile aren't you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him
more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversation about the calendar, or your
subversive acquisition of a series of nude photos of HIM.
I'm given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the
men's locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to
find out, well... the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect!
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Have I mentioned?
I think I utterly love you... that was sheer genius! As for the photo-shoot, I
wouldn't miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will
respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I'd be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I'd
love to learn more about photography... without actually touching or looking
through her camera, you understand.
Ginny
To:Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
- 48 -
Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures
That's blackmail Potter!
To:Hermione Granger-Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures
Does look that way, doesn't it?
Kiss, kiss.
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have I mentioned?
lol I'll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sally. Perhaps after we guys
are... done... and properly attired again you can have time to interview with her. The
pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal
for the calendar layout.
Has the rest of the design been done?
- Harry
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
- 49 -
To:Harry Potter
Re: Stuff
Err, Harry... listen, mate... you're scaring us. And why is Ginny grinning at us
every time she sees us?
F&G
To:Fred & George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Stuff
Ginny's on the inside track. As for your fears: I've only just begun.
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Ask you how?
What do you mean you "Mocked Voldemort"? Doesn't everyone?
Gin
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
- 50 -
Re: Re: Ask you how?
No, I actually "mocked" Voldemort.
Hey, Gin... how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer
Voldemort and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You're
a Weasley, you've proven to be devious and ingenious... and you have past history in
this area.
Whattaya think?
As for the mocking:
"I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny
Re: You DIDN'T?!
Harry! You DIDN'T?!
- Ginny
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
- 51 -
Re: Re: You DIDN'T?!
I did. Why? What's the worst he can do? Jump up and down shrieking "Kill him!
Kill him!"?
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Lord Voldemort
FW: Re: Re: Minions
Malfoy!
KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Your Lord & Master,
Voldemort
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Red Right Hand
Good point. Here's a thought... want to have a series of T-Shirts or robes made up
with the "I Tink I Taw" emblazoned on the back? It'd send Moldiemort through the
roof!
-Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
- 52 -
From: Harry Potter
Re: Have I Mentioned?
I think I love you.
Who do you have that can pull such a project off?
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To: Harry Potter
From: Fred & George
Re: What are you doing?
With our sister? She's just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of
robes that shimmer the following phrase:
"I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort",
and if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we're currently

experiencing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right?
- G&F
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have I mentioned
- 53 -
You are SO good.
HP
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: What are you doing?
Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the
shrinking spell that depends ENTIRELY on you two.
I Mocked Voldemort
As me how!
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Gred & Forge
Re: Robes
How many do you want?
Traitor
Your Brothers
To: Gred & Forge
From: Ginny Weasley
- 54 -
BCC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Robes
You give me 25,000 units by week's end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after
the next match, and I'll provide you with the antidote to your "little" problem.
- Ginny
To: Lee Jordan
Re: Problem Fixed
Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to produce some robes
that openly make fun of Voldemort. We're still hoping we can make some sort of
profit off this deal (WWW).
Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is
restored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man.
US Not THEM.
To: Harry Potter
Re: Robes
What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?
- Voldemort
- 55 -
Chapter 4
Naked Quidditch Match - Four Parts of Mischief
To: Harry Potter
Re: Robes
What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?
- Voldemort
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Moldiemort Robes
Mssrs. Weasley:
Could I request an additional three hundred units of your most excellent robes?
Please send the invoice to The Registrar, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry. I will need the robes in the following sizes:
Small - 50 units
Medium - 150 units
Large - 100 units
Thank you kindly,
Albus Dumbledore
- 56 -
To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Gred & Forge
Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes
Sir,
In as much as we would like to take credit for the ingenious robes, I'm afraid that
they are not of our product line. Our traitorous little sister has formed a most unholy
and evil alliance with the Boy-Who-Mocked-Voldemort.
We will, of course, forward your request to the Evil Duo.
Regards,
Little Gred & Forge Weasley
To:Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes
Professor! What a most excellent name for the robes! In discussing with my CEW,
we would be most happy to donate the 300 units to your cause.
Ginny Weasley
President, Moldiemort Inc
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide
To: Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Ginny Weasley
- 57 -
Re: The Robes
You want the Moldiemort Robes off sale? Swear allegiance to me as your Lord and
Master and serve as my left hand and we'll see.
- HP
Chief Executive Wizard, Moldiemort Inc
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: The Robes
WHAT? You're going to make him your Left Hand?!
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: The Robes
I'm right-handed, Gin.
CEW, Moldiemort Inc.
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Robes
Oh. blush Good point.
- 58 -
To:Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Things
Harry... first off, I'm trying very hard not to flip out. I'm given to understand from
my "belittled" brothers that you and Ginny are teaming in a business affair. Okay,
let's be honest, I take EVERYTHING those two say with a firm twist of salt. You and
Ginny? Teaming? AFFAIR?
What the hell's going on? If you and my baby sister are... you know... I'm going to
kill you!
- Ron
To:Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Things
You git!
We've talked about this before! I sleep in the bloody same DORM as you. Why are
you Mmailing me about all this?
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
To:Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Things
Because I don't want to punch your bloody eyes out if you've not snogged my
- 59 -
sister. And what do you mean YOU mocked You-Know-Who?
To:Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Things
Excuse me, but it's MY innocence you should be worried for. YOUR sister is a
dangerous woman. Please note, she founded a very large (unauthorized) fan club,
she proposed and found ways and people to prepare a calendar with images from
the bloody game against Slytherin. You know the one, the one I have to prance
around naked in?
That woman would jump my bones if I were not keeping watch out for my own
safety! Somehow, I don't think I'm the predator, here, boyo!
As for Voldie...did you see the article on the front page of the Daily Prophet? THAT
is Gin and my business relationship.
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your brother
I've taken a stance with your brother in order to:
keep my nose unbroken, and
get him off my back.
And, before you get wind of the details in my attempt to ward off a black eye let
me provide some truths. Ginny, you are a very scary determined woman. I've always
- 60 -
known this, but in the past two days of our business association, it's become clearer
than ever that I could not wish for anyone better to aid me in my conquest of the
Dark Wizards of the world.
- Harry
To:Harry Potter
From: Ron
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Things
Oh. See, that's why I Mmailed you rather than you know, punch first and ask
questions after.
Ron
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Your Brother
Oh, that's so sweet Harry. You're making me blush.
By the by, I am a predator?
Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Your Brother
- 61 -
Oh yes. Most definitely a predator.
Harry
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Harry and Ginny
Nuthin's going on. I asked Harry. They're the ones behind the Moldiemort Robes,
that's all. huh I wonder if this means Ginny's making some money off of the deal?
- Ron
To:Ginny Weasley
Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny
I see you've successfully bamboozled your brother(s).
HG
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny
Oh, no. That was all my liege lord and master's doing.
-G
To:Ginny Weasley
- 62 -
Re: Re: The Robes
Ms Weasley,
Your generous offer would be most appreciated.
Dumbledore
To:Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: The Moldiemort Robes
Minerva,
I expect delivery of the robes early tomorrow. They are quite spiffing.
- Albus
From: M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes
If they don't get us all killed.
Minerva
Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes
- 63 -
Oh, come now, my dear McGonagall. What is the absolute worst Voldemort could
do? Jump up and down shrieking: "Kill Them, Kill Them!"?
Besides, they are a snazzy looking item. I'm quite taken with the robes! They make
a statement about Voldemort that empowers people against him.
- Albus
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes
You know, Albus, it's all fun and games until someone gets the Killing Curse flung
at them.
Minerva
From: Severus Snape
Re: Last Meeting of the Death Eaters.
The old boy is definitely off his rocker. He spent most of the meeting jumping up
and down shrieking "Kill them! Kill them!"
By the way, do you know that Potter has Voldemort's owl-address? In the middle
of a meeting an unmarked owl dropped off a package of Moldiemort Robes. I'm
afraid the gift wasn't well received.
Sev
To:Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
- 64 -
Re: Picture Day
Tomorrow's the day, eh mate? Krum and I have been fiends in the gym.
You seen any of those amazing robes around Hogwarts? I suppose that's Fred &
George's little game. D'ya suppose I can get my hands on one? They're selling out
like hotcakes!
- Oliver
To:Oliver Wood
From: Harry
Re: Re: Picture Day
No problem, mate. A robe will be here and waiting for both you and Krum.
See you in the morning. BTW, Ginny Weasley will be around during the shoot, but
I'm assured that the "no-disclosure" charms will keep our dignity intact.
Harry
To:Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Picture Day
Ginny Weasley, huh?
- Ollie
To:George & Fred
- 65 -
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Harry and Ginny
So, they finally hooked up, huh?
And you let him live. I'd have never guessed that.
- Oliver
To:Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley, Big Brothers
Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister
Potter:
It has come to our attention that your relationship with Ginny is not exclusively
businesslike.
If you touch her at all, we will hunt you down and hex you until you're a walking
advertisement for every product of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
Sincerely,
F. & G. Weasley
To:Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Fwd: Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister
Charlie:
I don't suppose you're bringing along any HUNGRY dragons with you? I know a
few prats who could definitely be filling.
- 66 -
To:Harry Potter
Re: Your Terms
I HATE you Potter!
Lord Voldemort
To:Harry Potter
Re: In-Ter-esting
Hey, are you snogging my little sister? It's not that the family disapproves of you,
you know. Mum would be THRILLED to have you as a son-in-law, eventually.
The problem is the wagers going around the Wizarding World. Ginny's unrequited
adoration of you isn't quite a secret, y'know. There's some serious money involved
now as to whether or not she'll nail you down.
- Charlie
To:Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: In-Ter-esting
You're NOT serious!
HP
- 67 -
To:Lord Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Your Terms
So, that's a "no"? That's okay, it's far more FUN this way.
BTW, Dumbledore's just ordered 300 Moldiemort Robes. Gee, I wonder what he
wants them for? Hope you liked yours!
Hugs and Kisses,
Your Mortal Enemy
There once was a stinker named Voldie
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy
He's oh-so greedy
He's tried to kill me
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y
To:Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting
Dead serious. So? Are you snogging my sister? Do I need to change my bets?
- Charlie
To:Harry Potter
From: Molly Weasley
- 68 -
Re: Daily Prophet
Harry,
According to the Prophet your girlfriend "Ginevra Weasley" will be attending the
photo-shoot.
Anything you'd care to explain, dear?
-Molly
To:Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting
You put in a BET that your own sister would snog me?
CHARLIE! I'm appalled! Your own sister?!
To:Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting
You HAVE met my sister, haven't you Harry? You don't stand a chance.
- Charlie
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Your Mother
Re: Daily Prophet
Ginny,
- 69 -
Hi dear. I hope you're doing well. How are your classes? Things have certainly
been busy around here. I scarcely get time to sit down and read the Prophet in the
morning over a cuppa.
Somehow, however, I do find time. In fact, just this morning I read a fascinating
article in the Daily Prophet about the Harry Potter 2003 calendar. It's so nice to see
all the serious effort you kids are putting into making this a classy affair. And, I
think it's wonderful that Harry's giving all that money to the St. Mungo's Victims
Unit.
However, the article seems to have made an innocent gaffe. Apparently, you're
going to be at the shoot as Harry's girlfriend. Isn't that funny?
Tell, me, dear. Is there anything you'd care to share with Mummy?
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Oh, shoot!
My goose is so cooked. Have you SEEN the Prophet?
Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Oh, shoot!
Yes. Yes I have.
Just what are your plans for Harry?
-HG
To:Hermione Granger
- 70 -
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot!
Well. I was thinking of seducing him.
Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot!
WHAT?!
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Lunch
Hey little sister,
How about meeting me for a nice big brother little sister lunch today in
Hogsmeade?
Since the photo-shoot is today, and most of us have the Hogsmeade trip to go to
while Harry and crew strips down to do their thing, I thought we should reconnect.
We don't do things together often enough, do we?
- Ron
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Ginny
- 71 -
Have you seen my sister today? Tried to Mmail her for a lunch get-together and
she's not yet picked up her mail or been seen. Any idear where she's at?
-Ron
To:Ron Weasley
Re: Ginny
I have an idea. Yes. Tell you when we get to Hogsmeade.
-Hermione
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Harry. Ginny
Is it just me, or is it suspicious that on the day that Harry's doing the photo-shoot
for Naked Quidditch Calendar, that our little sister has gone missing?
- Ron
To:Ron
From: F&G
Re: Re: Harry. Ginny
Bugger.
- 72 -
Chapter 5
Naked Quidditch Match - Fifth Time Around
To:Ron
From: F&G
Re: Re: Harry. Ginny
Bugger.
To:Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Our Little Sister
URGENT: Anyone seen Ginny?
From: Ron
Re: Re: Our Little Sister
Well?
To: Ickle Ronniekins
Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister
Nothing. Nada. Zip.
- 73 -
She's probably in Hogsmeade already. Yeah. Like a regular Weasley would,
leading us on to think she's snogging Harry, when actually she's laughing her ass off
at us.
She'd do that to us.
-F&G
From: Ron
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister
Delusional, much?
Think back, dear brothers, to our sister's FIRST Valentines Day at Hogwarts.
Now, tell me, if you were Ginny, what would YOU do?
Drive your brothers insane with innuendo
Snog Harry, and drive your brothers insane.
Well?
-Ron
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Re: Our Little Sister
Just popped by the area of the photo shoot. Very secure, and Dumbledore himself
said that only authorized people are allowed in, to protect Harry and crew's dignity.
Tell me, what kind of dignity can a man have if his bits are being splattered across
hundreds of thousands of calendars for sales worldwide?
- 74 -
What am I missing?
-Lee
To: Lee Jordan
Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister
Just a guess, but probably another 2 in.
- Gred & Forge
To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim
CC: Mooney
Re: Photo-Daze
So, Harry, how'd it go?
To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Photo-Daze
They only just started taking pictures, you git. It's scarcely past morning tea. I
expect this will be a near full day for Harry.
But, that's beside the point… the "Adorable Grim"? What kind of flowers ARE you
sniffing?
- 75 -
-Remus
To: Moony
From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim
CC: My Godson
Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze
What? I'm a cute dog. I have it on good authority!
Harry-- I'm not at all frightening, am I? I mean, I'm lovable as a stray mutt, right?
- Snuffles
To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze
You're the size of a small pony, and you think you're a cuddly little fluff-ball?
Obviously your meals have been laced with something lately.
- Remus
To: Moony
From: Snuffles
CC: Harry Potter
Re: PMS, Much?
Let me guess, it's that time of the month for you?
- 76 -
- Snuffles
To: Remus Lupin, Snuffles
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: PMS, Much?
Kids, each to your corner. I'm on lunch break and at the rate your going, my
Mmailbox will start sending me Howlers.
Snuffles: Ginny says that you're an adorable animal when you're clean. Since the
last time you had a bath you were a free man...
Remus: Don't taunt the dog. He's not had his shots.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm prancing around in little more than a towel, I've just
wolfed down some food. (No pun intended, Remus), and I'm off to do the dragon
shot. Once today's done, I'm going down to Hogsmeade and getting utterly plastered
on Butterbeers and Firewhiskey. Only then do I think I'll be able to blot out the
memory of this day.
How DO I get myself into these situations?
Harry
I mocked Voldemorter
Ask me how!
To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: PMS, Much?
Hey, Harry,
- 77 -
How did you mock Voldemort?
To: Snuffles
From: Harry Potter
CC: Moony
Re: Re:Re: PMS, Much?
My last Mmail, then I'm back to posing all nekkid and stuff.
First, I sent my beloved enemy:
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort!"
Most recently, however:
"There once was a stinker named Voldie
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy
He's oh-so greedy
He's tried to kill me
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y"
I'm thinking about doing a book of poems: Mockeries of a Dark Lord.
Snazzy title, hmm?
- Harry
I Mocked Voldemort
- 78 -
Ask me how!
To: Harry Potter
From: Remus Lupin
CC: Snuffles
Re: Mockeries of a Dark Lord
If that doesn't kill him, I don't know what will.
- Moony
To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re:Re: Re: PMS, Much?
sniffle -- I love you kid. Really. Can I have an autographed copy?
Snuffles the Sniffling
To: Harry Potter
Re: Re:Re: Your Terms
I loathe you Potter.
L.V.
To: Ginny Weasley

- 79 -
From: Your Brothers
Re: Today
Where are you?
To: My Brothers
To: Prats United
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re:Today
Obviously somewhere else. Mum says "Hi!"
-Ginny
To: Ron
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re:Lunch
Ron, what a lovely idea. I only wish I had received this Mmail say, yesterday. I've
got plans today, brother dear, including lunch with Mum.
Maybe next time?
- Ginny
To:Harry Potter Fans
From: The President of the Unofficial Harry Pottery Fanclub
Re: The Calendar
Photos have been going VERY well. The photographer is quite excellent, and the
- 80 -
poses are simply stunning.
This calendar will be our BEST piece ever! The Harry Potter morning-wakeup call
is peanuts next to this!
My sincerest thanks to all contributors for their artistic work, their quotations and
more in putting this project together. It is a tribute to our love for our hero, and a
fine statement to his sexiness.
With that in mind, it is with great regret that I resign from my position as
President of Harry's fan club. This club represents some of the best years I've had at
Hogwarts. I wish you much success in future endeavors.
-Ginny Weasley
To:Lord Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Terms
Love you too!
"There once was a restored Dark Wizard
Whose fondness for otheres rested only in lizards
He was such a drag
That his conquest was bagged
And now he's just stranded out in a lonely blizzard"
To:Ginny
From: Ron
Re: Re: Lunch
- 81 -
I wish I'd known Mum and you were meeting for lunch. Next time, I WILL
remember to Mmail a day before.
Thanks, Gin. We were all worried that you were hanging off of Harry while he's
prancing around in the buff.
- Ron
To:Ron Weasley
Re: Hey, you...
Why weren't you around for the photo-shoot? You could have had lunch with Mum,
Ginny and I. Harry, understandably, made himself scarce for lunch. I'm amazed he's
doing this with all the dignity he's shown thus far.
The charms to protect the guys modesty are fantastic. It seriously looks like
they're wearing the Moldiemort robes. Very cool. And, as for Harry, Sally says the
camera is reporting him very deliciously. Poor git.
- Charlie
To: Charlie Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Hey, you...
GINNY WAS WITH YOU AT THE PHOTO SHOOT?
From: Ron Weasley
FW: Hey, you...
- 82 -
Ginny was out gallivanting around with her nekkid hero. So much for her
presumed innocence. Someone find a unicorn, hmm?
- Ron
To:Susan Bones
Re: Ginny's quitting!
Word is, Ms. Weasley was snogging with Harry at the photo-shoot. I wonder if she
managed to check out those measurements for accuracy?
Lavender
To:Parvati Patil
From: Padma Patil
Re: Ginny's Quitting!
Rumor has it she and Harry were seen snogging on the Quidditch Pitch... and he
was 'dressed' for the photos! That might explain her sudden retirement, yes?
Your Sister
To:Colin Creevey
From: Padma Patil
Re: Ginny
Bad luck, squirt. Ginny IS involved with Harry. I guess this entire upcoming game
has made him see her in a new light. Go figure. I thought HE was the one all
exposed.
- Padma
- 83 -
To:Neville Longbottom
From: Colin Creevey
Re: Ginny & Harry
Who's going to tell HER brothers?
- Colin
To:Colin Creevey
From: Neville & Trevor
Re: Re: Ginny & Harry
Tell her brothers WHAT?!
Nev
To:Neville Longbottom
From: Colin Creevey
Re: Re:Ginny & Harry
Oops. Harry and Ginny were getting it on on the Quidditch Pitch earlier today.
- Colin
To: Colin Creevey
Re: Re: Re: Re: Ginny & Harry
NO WAY! I am certainly not brave enough to tell ANY of the Weasley's THAT one!
- 84 -
I like my nose unbroken!
Nev
To:Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas
Re: Watch your P & Q's
Apparently, Harry has finally noticed the fair Weasley demoiselle. That means war
between him and Ron once the Weasley's all find out about what was happening on
the Quidditch pitch today.
Neville
To:Harry Potter
From: Dean Thomas
Re: YOU and GINNY?
Hey, man... just heard the news. Congrats. So, just how "get it on" did you "get it
on" at the Quidditch Pitch today?
Dean
P.S. Ron will NEVER hear about this from me! It's in Gringotts, man.
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Padma Patil
Re: YOU and HARRY!
Oh my GOSH! I just heard about YOU and Harry! And on the Quidditch Pitch! So,
tell me, is he all of those 13 centimeters? And, what DOES he look like under those
robes?
- 85 -
You lucky girl! See, dreams DO come true!
- Padma
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Quidditch Pitch
According to various people, I'm given to understand I jumped you or you jumped
ME on the Quidditch Pitch. Where was I when this was going on?
Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
From: The now-attired Harry Potter
Re: Re:The Quidditch Pitch
Damned if I know. The only thing that involves the world "on," "jump," and
"Quidditch Pitch" that involves me and today was a dragon or three. Any other less
bodily damaging activities seem to have passed me by entirely.
You do realize if your brothers get wind of the rumor mill, the Harry Potter Nekkid
calendar will be produced posthumously. I hope you can put a good word in at my
funeral.
-HP
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Posthumous
Seems a pity, then... you going to your grave for snogging me (or more) and never
- 86 -
having done the deed. Seems to me if you're going to be accused for something and
judged you should at least have the fun of having committed the 'crime'.
- Ginny
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Posthumous
You busy tonight?
- 87 -
Chapter 6
Naked Quidditch Match - Six Times the Fun
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Posthumous
You busy tonight?
To:Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Your Captains
Re: Today's Game
Ladies and Gents:
McGonagall recommends we meet in her office an hour before game time. She
wants to ensure that the protection spells are on rightly, and read us a riot act. As
well, she and Flitwick will escort us to the lockers safe from the prying eyes of
Harry's adoring fans.
In other news, every Bludger will be aimed towards the Seeker for his snogging
with our little sister.
Hugs & Kisses
(Or Slobbers & Gropes)
- Gred & Forge Weasley
Captains, Gryffindor House Team Extraordinaire.
To:Ginny Weasley
- 88 -
From: Katie Bell
FWD: Today's Game
Sick 'em, babe. They're threatening your man.
To:Fred and George Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Ron Weasley
Re: Fwd: Today's Game
Dear Prats:
Pray tell, how could Harry grope, snog or whatnot with me with our Mother and
elder brother (Charlie) around? If you can explain this mystery to me, I'd be most
delighted. Especially since I seem to be the person missing out on all the fun of said
sexual mischief.
Oh, and if a single Bludger heads Harry's way, as directed by any one of my
siblings, I'll make your life a living hell. First, with a conversation with Mum, and
then in usual Weasley style. Apparently, the corrective potion for your 'little'
problem gave you some big brassy balls. These too can be removed. Surgically.
Ever your loving, if vengeful sister,
Ginny
To:Harry Potter
Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game
Running behind Ginny's skirts, eh?
- 89 -
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game
You poor saps. I think, in your quest to feel outraged over nothing, you've
forgotten:
a) You put us in this predicament of a naked game.
b) The girls want your hide.
Don't look to me for blame. The ladies of our team aren't peeved at me, so if they
choose to protect my interests...shrug. Of course, the way I see it, they've chosen to
protect the school assets. As for your sister, Ginny's just instituting her rights to be
protective of her potential claim.
What can I say, gentlemen? I have already sold 1.2 million calendars, sight
unseen. I have a field of Aurors out there (all female) to watch for... deviant game
plays. Why would I run to Ginny for protection?
Harry
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Idiots
Do stop before you get us all killed.
- RW
To:Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet
From: Humble and Pie
Re: We're sorry
- 90 -
Dear ladies,
We're very sorry for the horrid position we've put you in.
Honest.
Please don't kill us out there.
- F&G
To:Full o' !#$
From: Katie Bell
Re: Re: We're sorry
Fred, George:
After six years of playing with you two, and what feels like centuries of knowing
the pair of you, you don't think we're stupid enough to take that little last minute
dig-out-of-your-grave seriously, do you?
For the record, Alicia spoke with Harry in the common room. He's howling with
laughter, just keeled over and dying laughing at the stupidity of the pair of you.
Honestly, given the security going on yesterday and the way he's run from your
sister's overtures of adoration before, whatever gave you the idea that they were
snogging during the 'shoot yesterday?
-The Girls
To:Katie Bell
Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry
It's all Lee's fault.
- 91 -
From: Katie Bell
CC: Lee Jordan
Re: Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry
Right. And we'll be sure to let HIM know of that.
From: Lee Jordan
Re: What the?
I stood by you prats! I've defended you, supported you, researched potions (blah!)
for you, and took risks for you! And THIS is how you repay my loyalty!
Just remember, old boys. While you're out there PLAYING today, I'm the one in
the commentator's booth. And I'll GET you for this.
- Lee
To:Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Your Captains
Re: The Game
We had a second thought. Want to concede the game?
To:Our Captains
From: The Girls
CC: Harry Potter
- 92 -
Re: Re: The Game
Oh, HELL no!
To:My Dear Captains
From: Harry Potter
CC: The Girls
Re: Re: The Game
Perish the thought! Gryffindor concede to the Slytherins? What WOULD Oliver
say?!
- HP
To:Our Family
Re: Our Last Will and Testament
Attach: GFwill.doc (30 K)
Dear Family:
We're doomed. Please find attached our Last Will & Testament. Think kind
thoughts of us at our funeral, if there's enough of us left to bury.
F&G
To:Lord Voldemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Our Last Mmail
- 93 -
Hey, Tom,
Haven't heard from you lately. Hope you're keeping okay. How are my Death
Eaters? I've got a bit of a big match to play today, but I intend to come down with
my Second In Command and inspect the troops shortly after.
Just to keep you up-to-date on my modus operandi:
a) Take over the Ministry
b) Imprison all Opponents in Azkaban (that's you, Tom)
c) Insert my new world order
Please insert a physical exercise regimen for the troops. And, I'd like IQ testing
done. I need people with quick reflexes and quicker wits. All others will join you in
Azkaban.
Hugs & Kisses,
Harry
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Moldie
Haven't heard from ol' Tom lately. I suspect he's planning to attack today's match.
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Moldie
I'll take care of that. I think a stadium full of Moldiemort robes, and the
advertisements for Mockeries of a Dark Lord on the Wizard-view will be enough to
throw him off his game. But, just in case, I'll see about having Charlie get those
- 94 -
three dragons fly about on a patrol sweep.
-G
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Lord Voldemort
Attach: mockads.zip (100 K)
Professor:
As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort

Robes, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in
hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While
hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of
Moldie with his unhygienic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.
Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to
make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any problems.
A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and
frustration, possibly throwing him off his game.
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, Mockeries of

a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief.
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders.
Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the
Death Eaters to apparate with structure.
Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the
above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma
that should give us an advantage.
Best regards,
G. Weasley
- 95 -
Chapter 7
Naked Quidditch Match - 7 Minutes to Game
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Lord Voldemort
Attach: mockads.zip (100 K)
Professor:
As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort

Robes, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in
hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While
hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of
Moldie with his unhygenic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.
Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to
make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any problems.
A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and
frustration, possibly throwing him off his game.
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, Mockeries of

a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief.
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders.
Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the
Death Eaters to apparate with structure.
Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the
above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma
that should give us an advantage.
Best regards,
G. Weasley
- 96 -
To:Lucius Malfoy
From: The Dark Lord of Sith
Re: Potter
Malfoy, I expect your attendance upon me within the hour. A situation has arisen
that requires immediate attention. Potter has decided to branch further into other
marketing aspects of our conflict, and yet no licensing authority has come from my
lawyers.
I want this boy STOPPED! He's making a fool of us all!
Lord Voldemort
Dark Wizard
Grand Order of Sith
To: Lestrange-at-Azkaban
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: "Dark Lord of Sith"
The old boy has been watching the "Star Wars" trilogy again. Damn Muggles. It's
obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he's the "Dark Lord of Sith" If he starts
wearing a black shiny mass and breathing heavy, I'm outta here.
Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our
Master has killed off all the lawyers we've hired to represent him. Any suggestions?
Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you've got that drool problem under control.
- Lucky
To:Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
- 97 -
Re: Re: Potter
Master, I have made some inquiries with regards to the legal ramifications. We
could put a block on any future merchandise sales, but to do this, you MUST NOT
KILL OFF THE LAWYERS! At least, not the ones who are representing your cause.
Please Master, I know they're all annoying evil gits, but... just this once, please
don't just A-K them immediately upon their fee statement!
Ever your loyal and obedient servant,
- Lucius Malfoy
To:Harry Potter
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Merchandising
Potter:
The Dark Lord is hiring a lawyer to block all sales of your product line. FYI.
- Professor Snape
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
FW: Re: Merchandising
Ginny, I've contacted Legal, and they are pretty sure they can counter any block
Moldiemort tries to put in place. They recommend, however, we avoid any physical
characterizations of Ol' Tom, and ensure that we do not list "Lord Voldemort" by
name in any of our reproductions to ensure consistency.
I assured them this wasn't a problem. So, in that vein, could you remove the last
- 98 -
sonnet in "Mockeries of a Dark Lord" before it goes to print? And are we almost
ready to release the calendar for sale? I'd like to get more on the market before
anything goes to court. That way, Tommy loses more and more legal ground.
Oh, and please, have the twins send our illustrious Professor Snape a
complimentary Moldiemort robe.
- HP
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: FW: Re: Merchandising
Harry:
I've notified the twins Re:Legal's advice.
2) Removed the last sonnet. I'm keeping a copy in my private edition, mind you.
3) Calendar is GORGEOUS! And, effective 10:00 hours, it goes on sale. Do keep in

mind, pre-release sales have 70 percent of all copies sold out. Immediate delivery
has been scheduled, so it's safe to say for those who have already bought a copy,
they'll have it in their hot drooling little hands at 10:01 hours.
4) One complimentary set of Moldiemort robes, with the anti-wear charm to

protect against any students spraying a damaging potion on them have been sent to
our brilliant Potions Master.
Good luck with the game today, Harry!
Ginny
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
- 99 -
Re: Sucking Up
Was that enough? Do you think he'll be all puffed, peacocky and leave us the
bloody hell alone in class for a few days?
- GW
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Sucking up
We can only hope. You'll be at the game today?
HP
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Sucking up
With bells on. Have I complimented you on your excellent physique, yet? I had to
put the calendar down and start fanning myself. My goodness, Harry...
Ginny
To:Harry Potter
Re: Calendars
Potter:
Before you investigate the records of sales, I have purchased one of your
calendars for my niece. I don't suppose you would be so courteous to autograph it,
- 100 -
would you?
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendars
Professor:
Even though a part of my fragile ego cringes at this entire... calendar episode, I
would be delighted to autograph your copy. I can have it sent to you with autograph
already on it before delivery begins, sparing you (and me) the embarrassment of
tracking me down to sign.
To whom should it be autographed?
Harry
To:Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Calendars
Potter:
I thank you for your consideration. I quite agree that having to get the calendar
autographed after delivery would be embarrassing for all parties involved.
It should be persoanlized to: "Minnie" and any references to Minnie as a kitten are
all fine.
Minerva McGonagall
- 101 -
Deputy Headmistress
To:Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger
From: Harry Potter
FW: You Won't Believe This
Come on, now truthfully, are you BUYING the niece thing?
- HP
Re: FW: You Won't Believe This
Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morning! How will I sit in her class
and NOT break into giggles!
- HG
To:Harry Potter, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: FW: You Won't Believe This
Harry...
She wants you. Surely you can milk a good grade out of that!
Ginny
"Don't TOUCH the merchandise! Hands off! Back, you madwomen! Back!"
- O. Wood, Witch Weekly Vol 11330, Issue 320
- 102 -
To:Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Your Game Today
Good luck today, mate. To perk you up on this deplorable event, I was watching
the Wizard Broadcast and they covered a section Re: the calendar. I think it's safe to
say, it's a smashing hit. And, the photographer was utterly amazing. Not one
commentary has referred to it as anything but artistic, graceful, amazing, awesome
and a 'true appreciation of fine male physicality'.
I think you're safe. Strut your stuff, Potter. And make Malfoy look BAD.
- Ollie
Nekkid Partner in Crime
Re: Calendars Orders
Harry, I was just finalizing all the orders for immediate delivery before I nip down
to brekkie. The charms are all set, owls loaded, and everything is ready to rock and
roll like clockwork.
As I reviewed the sales list, a couple of alarming purchases leapt up to grab me.
First: Draco bought a copy. If he tries to 'grab' anything on the field, I doubt it'll
be the Snitch. Make sure you're guarding the jewels, Harry. Or Ginny will eviscerate
Malfoy.
Second: Lucius Malfoy bought a copy. Clearly, the apple hasn't fallen far from the
tree.
Third: Tom Riddle bought a copy. Now, if I were you, I'd be very afraid!
- Lav
- 103 -
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Breakfast
Just heading down to the Great Hall in a moment. You up to join me in a bite?
Harry
To:Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Breakfast
I'd like some sausage, yes.
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re:Breakfast
Evil woman!
To:Lavender Brown
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendar Orders
Lavender, could you grab those three copies and stop them from going out? I want
them to be personalized in a very special way for these three special customers. I'll
discuss this further with Harry at breakfast. I'll grab the units from you on my way
down.
- 104 -
- Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Calendar Orders
You got it, girlfriend!
To:Lord Voldemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: StupidGit.dld (5 MB)
Dear Tom:
Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar,
featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.
Enjoy!
Harry
To:Draco Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Attach: LilWanker.dld (5 MB)
Dear Draco:
- 105 -
Enjoy!
Harry
To:Lucius Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Attach: Wanker.dld (5 MB)
Dear Lucky:
Enjoy!
Harry
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Today's Game
Ginny, I didn't mention this at breakfast because I didn't want to start a public
row. I don't think you should go to the game today. It's going to be quite risque and
terribly inappropriate for a young lady like yourself.
- Ron
To:Ron Weasley
- 106 -
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Today's Game
At the personal invitation of Harry Potter, I will be at the game. I even have a
reserved seat.
Given that I am one of the producers of the "Naked Quidditch" calendar, I really
don't think that there is any 'more' of Harry that I can see while he's riding a
broomstick. The only trauma I may experience is seeing my twin brothers out there
in all their glory.
I've got to drop a package off to McGonagall, so I'll ask for assistance to prevent
my not-so-naive eyes from seeing things best left unseen.
- Ginny
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Today's Game
You're not going, right?
- Ron
To:Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Today's Game
Of COURSE I'm going. Aren't you? You can sit with Ginny and me.
- Hermione
- 107 -
To:Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
Re: Ronald Weasley
In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left
sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a
good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown.
Poor boy.
- Minnie
- 108 -
Chapter 8
Naked Quidditch Match - 8 Seconds Left
Re: Ronald Weasley
In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left
sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a
good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown.
Poor boy.
- Minnie
To:Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Legal Issues
My lord, the courts have rejected your claim that Moldiemort robes are a libelous
violation of your civil rights.
Worse, the Wizard Live Broadcast of the upcoming Gryffindor / Slytherin game
has indicated that nearly all spectators are planning to wear the robes in support of
their hero, Potter. Further the overhead banner of the announcing booth will have
promotional material for the robes alongside "The Naked Quidditch" calendars and a
new product that I fear will truly not please you.
Something called "Mockeries of a Dark Lord". Again, the courts claim you do not
have exclusive rights to the phrase "Dark Lord" and it is a vague enough term for
any of history's predominant dark wizards.
And, yes, before you ask, I killed the lawyers representing your interest.
Lucius Malfoy
- 109 -
To:Peter Pettigrew
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Our Master
I daresay that he'll start foaming at the mouth anytime now. Watch him closely,
Peter. I've got our people organized to run an assault during the game. I'll let you
know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apart, give him some
calming potion.
Lucius Malfoy
To:Lucius Malfoy
From: Peter Pettigrew
Re: Re:Our Master
So much for being "Lucky". Our Frothing Lord is intending to lead the assault.
Was nice knowing you, Malfoy! Happy trails in hell!
PP
To:Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Game Time
Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the game. You up to
meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogwarts?
Moony
To:Moony
- 110 -
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Game Time
Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer?
- Woof
To:Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Butterbeer
You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade.
- Moony
To:Moony
From: That Puppy in the Window
Re: Re: Butterbeer
I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serve fine cuisine in
Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu.
I reckon, I don't rightly remember WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of
being wrongfully imprisoned.
- Poor Hard-done by Padfoot
To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Guilt-trips
- 111 -
You always were a master of the Guilt-Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours.
Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer.
- Moony
To: Moony
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Guilt-trips
You love me. You really do. sniff
To:Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Re: Re: Guilt-trips
Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging arse in gear and get over
here.
Re: Game Time
Dragons are in place. I must admit, I'm delighted that my little sister thought of
this idea. I had no idea that she was so well trained in understanding the capabilities
of defensive dragon stratagems.
Looking forward to the game, today. And man, am I EVER glad that I never had a
match like this!
- Charlie Weasley
- 112 -
Re: Games & Calendars
I am to understand by the glazed look in students' eyes that the calendars were
issued promptly this morning. I must admire Weasley and Potter for their strategy.
Attention on the game today will have been lessened by the presence of this
calendar.
I have heard from Severus today. He feels Harry and his associates have an unfair
advantage. It appears a few members of his Quidditch team have also received
copies of the calendar and are incredibly distracted. I agreed to speak to you
regarding postponing the game.
Your thoughts?
Albus
Re: Game
No. Way. In. Hell.
I wanta to see my boys at play!
- Minnie
Re: Re: Game
Minnie: You. Gutter. OUT!
- 113 -
Re: Re: Re: Game
Oh, dear. Sorry. Backslid for a moment there. It shan't happen again, Professor.
All the same, with all the charms, protections and other lengths we have gone to
for this game, I am not in favor of postponing.
- Minnie
To:Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: The Game (TODAY!)
Severus, we are still on for today's game. I trust your boys and girls are ready for
the game and focused on the task at hand.
Yours,
Minerva
Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)
Minerva,
Are we not taking inter-house rivalry a little far? My team is certainly not ready,
as there's something other than the game that they want to have in hand.
SS
- 114 -
Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)
Nice implied statement. Very slick.
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)
Not so bad yourself, Minnie. Regardless how the game turns out, do you want to
go down to Hogsmeade after and celebrate our survival of this farce?
SS
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)
Only if you're up to it, old boy! Only if you're up to it. wink
- Minnie
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Padma Patil
Re: Game time (soon!)
Ginny, if you're still around and not down at the pitch, do you want to go down
with us HP fans?
- 115 -
To:Padma Patil
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Game time (soon!)
Can't. Gotta go down with my man (right now!) and 'support' the team.
Ginny
To:Ginny Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re:Calendars
Hey Ginny,
Can you bring my copy of the now infamous "Naked Quidditch" pictures down to
the game? I'd rather not have them delivered by owl post. My 'fans' would likely
filch them. Amongst anything else they can find to get their mangey grasping paws
on.
But, hey… I'm not bitter. Just bruised.
I'll see you at the game!
- Oliver
To:Oliver Wood
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Calendars
Ouch, Oliver. You have got to hire some bodyguards! If it makes you feel any
better, you'll always be safe around me.
I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mailed me
- 116 -
when you did. I almost sent them out!
I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is
having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be down at
the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and me.
BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92. We were 70 sold before the product
went live, and sold an additional 22 in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold out by
the time the game's over.
Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He
says he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'.
GW
To: Ginny Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Calendars
Oh, I bet I'm safe around you. It's not my body you're so fond of ogling, now is it?
- Oliver
To: Oliver Wood
From: Ginny Weasley
Re:Re: Re: Re: Calendars
Be nice, Ollie. I do have all of the original photos and negatives after all. I'd hate
to have to blackmail you into good behavior and less innuendo.
Even if what you're implying is true. And more importantly, my ogling object is
now mine. All mine. Bwahahahah. Urr. Sorry.
Gin
- 117 -
To:Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re:Today's Assault
Master,
May I humbly request that you allow us to make the attack on the upcoming
Hogwarts Quidditch Match on your behalf? Let us endeavor to bring this victory to
you.
Potter has been too cocky in his recent assaults, Master. I do not wish to endanger
you in something that is most assuredly a trap.
Please Master. Stay home. Watch your Star Wars DVD's. Again.
- Lucius Malfoy
To:Lucius Malfoy
From: The Dark Lord
Re: Re: Today's Assault
Potter stands no chance against me. I am VOLDEMORT! DARK LORD OF THE

SITH!
No force of Goodness may stand against me. I shall emerge from this battle
victorious! There is only the Darkness!
VOLDEMORT
DARK LORD OF SITH
To:Draco Malfoy
From: Daddy
- 118 -
Re: Today's Game
Son,
The 'Dark Lord' has snapped. He's completely off his rocker. Looney as they get.
Nutters. Just thought I should let you know. He's planning to attack at today's game,
and I'm almost certain this will blow up in all our faces.
I think it's time for the Malfoy family to switch teams, if you know what I mean.
With love,
Daddy
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Game Time
Hey Hermione (Harry beside me says "Hi!")
Just heading down now. Meet you down there in a few!
G&H
To:Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter
Re: Out of Curiosity
Why is Harry in your dorm, Ginny? And are you aware your brother has gone
completely catatonic?
- Hermione
To:Hermione Granger
- 119 -
From: Ginny Weasley
Re:Re: Out of Curiosity
Which brother? I have so many with so many reasons to go catatonic. Most having
something to do with things I've done to them. Anyway, it's hard to know which
brother has snapped with a vague statement like that. Could you be more specific?
And, Ms. Manners, mind your own business. We're having a post-breakfast
business meeting, if you must know.
G&H
To:Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity
Business meeting, my arse. Post-breakfast, Pre-game snog. And, your brother

RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough?
In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements
for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is
GAY?
- Hermione
To:Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity
Wouldn't you be the expert on my dear brothers… preference? Besides, no, I don't
think he's gay. Unlike Draco Malfoy (and the Malfoy family) he didn't order a
calendar.
- 120 -
To: Ginny Weasley
Re: Draco
EEEEEP! That's so… so… SICK!
To: Lee Jordan
Re: About that last email...
We're sorry, Lee. Shouldn't have blamed you. How can we make it up to you, ol'
buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend?
- F&G
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Autoresponder / (Re: About that last email…)
Sorry, I'm not available at present to take your message. Today is the long awaited
Gryffindor Naked Quidditch Match, and as the commentator for Quidditch Sports at
Hogwarts, I'm needed for stadium broadcast setup.
Hope to see you at the game! Come out and show your team your support!
And if your Fred / George Weasley… vengeance is mine.
Lee Jordan
To: To My Loyal Death Eaters
- 121 -
Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter!
My loyal Death Eaters,
Now is the time to wage an assault against Dumbledore and Potter. I want every
person wearing those robes tortured, Crucio'd, and killed. I want them pounded into
the ground.
I want them pummeled, pulverized, gutted, eviscerated, gouged, crucified,

gored… I want them DEAD!
I trust you get my point.
We attack as soon as the balls are in the air.
Lord Voldemort
To:The Dark Lord, The Gang
From: Vinnie Crabbe
Re: Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter!
Master,
Given the number of balls that will be flying, which specific one has to be in the
air before we attack? Potter's, or the Quidditch balls?
To:Sales-at-Moldiemort
From: C. Fudge
Organization: Ministry of Magic
Re: Robes
I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two of "The Naked
Quidditch" calendars?
- 122 -
Orders should be billed to:
Minister of Magic
Wizard Government Building
London, England
To:Minister C. Fudge
From: Sales-at-Moldiemort
Re: Re: Robes
Dear Minister Fudge:
Thank you for your order.
Units Size Description Unit Price Total
3 XL Moldiemort 50 Galleons 150 Galleons
2 -- NQ Calendar 2 Galleons 4 Galleons
Subtotal: 154 Galleons
Tax (3): 4 Galleons, 60 Sickles
Balance Due: 158 Galleons, 60 Sickles
Units will be delivered immediately.
Best regards,
Moldiemort Incorp.
Watch soon for our newest product: "Mockeries of a Dark Lord", a cynical and
- 123 -
humorous portrayal of evil via prose, limericks and other fun literary works.
To:Sales-at-Moldiemort
From: C. Fudge
Re: Robes
Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark

Lord"?
Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees?
- C. Fudge
From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
Re: Ron Weasley
The boy has been sedated, poor soul. I'm leaving some wards about him now just
as I nip down to the game. He should stay 'out' until at least late this afternoon.
I do hope your team knows their protective spells. Nasty business, naked
quidditch!
Poppy
Re: Re: Ron Weasley
And of course, you're only nipping down to the game 45 minutes before it starts
- 124 -
for the welfare of the students.
- Minnie
From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
Re: Re: Re: Ron Weasley
But of COURSE I'm only going to ogle for the sake of the students. See you in a
few!
Poppy
To:Peter Pettigrew
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Re: Re: Our Master
Crabbe is a blundering idiot. Now the Master is hell bent on being there to ensure
that we chase the right balls.
I've tried EVERYTHING to stop him. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've grovelled, I've
even flattered him outrageously. Isn't there anything you can do, Wormtail? Can't
you hex him or SOMETHING?
So Very Un-Lucky
To:Rita Skeeter
From: M. Stuart
Organization: Witch Weekly, Inc.
Re: NQM
- 125 -
Attach: Passes1.tif (57 K)
Rita, your passes are attached. These will permit you and your photographer
access to the game. We have been sent legal notice that any and all photos taken
must be approved by the Gryffindor House Team, and the negatives must be
surrendered to Prof. Albus Dumbledore.
Please don't infringe on the legalities. PLEASE. Or, they WILL have a valid lawsuit
against us. And keep your Quick-Quotes Quill to yourself! The utter bare facts, Rita.
No pun intended.
M. Stuart
Editor in Chief
Witch Weekly, Inc.
To:All Gryffindors
From: Dean Thomas
Re: Play Ball!
Hope everyone's set for the game. I know our team is ready to bedazzle the school
with what a Gryffindor is made of. Let's get down there, and show our support.
Girls, do the boys a favor and try not to giggle. Boys, do the girls a favor and don't
drool at the femmes of our team. Let's show the Slytherins that what's going on in
the game has more to do with Snitches, Bludgers, and whatnot than with breasts
and balls.
- Dean
To:Dean Thomas
Re: Re: Play Ball!
- 126 -
How utterly inspiring, Mr. Thomas. See me after the game.
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
- 127 -
Chapter 9
Naked Quidditch Match: Game Time:
"Welcome Hogwarts alumni, professors, peers, and exalted guests to the

long-awaited match between Gryffindor's amazing Quidditch team and Slytherin's
abysmal--
"JORDAN!" McGonagall bellowed.
"Err... Slytherin's opposing team." Lee shot the professor a shrug. "As many of you
are aware... at least, anyone literate, so I can't speak for the Slytherins-- this match
today will be absolutely unique. Due to the utter foolishness of the Co-Captains of
the Gryffindor team, the players in fourth form and upwards will be playing in the
buff. Hence the packed crowd. I daresay, glancing over the crowds around me,
you're all either hankering for a look at our luscious lady-Chasers or awaiting Harry
Potter's masculine wonder."
"JORDAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Professor... it's not like nearly everyone here HASN'T bought one of those
calendars..." Lee protested in an aside.
"Stay focused on the game, Jordan. Not the uniforms."
"Or lack thereof." Lee smirked.
"Or lack thereof." McGonagall nodded, her face set in a severe disapproving
frown. "Stick to the facts, Jordan. Ungarnished. Advise of the security methods so
the fans don't panic at the sight of dragons."
Lee rolled his eyes, but lifted his wand again. "Before the game commences, I
would like to advise all our viewers of some necessary security precautions.
Occasionally, you will see dragons flying high overhead. These are Dragonguards,
not wild dragons that just happened to visit our field full of lush human bodies."
"JORDAN..."
"In addition, because of a suspected danger of You-Know-Who's forces attacking,

we've done much to antagonize the ol' git into a full fit of incompetence. Most of you
- 128 -
were encouraged to wear the Moldiemort robes, a fine line of product from
Moldiemort Inc., a company headed by Harry Potter as CEO, and his lovely right
hand Ginny Weasley, of the Weasley family, as his Executive President. This
company is offering many wonderful items, with new material coming out in the
upcoming days. Many of you already have "The Naked Quidditch" calendar,
featuring the likes of Oliver Wood, our own former Gryffindor captain and team
keeper, and Victor Krum, the sensational seeker from Bulgaria. The star attraction,
however, is Harry Potter in all his natural glory! More of which you'll all have the
privilege to see today. And the boy is slick, ladies."
"JORDAN! STOP PROMOTING... " Her voice trailed off as she searched for a
tactful way to explain her demands.
"Harry's assets?" Lee asked innocently.
"Yes." She glared fiercely.
Jordan coughed discretely, and once again raised his wand "In any case, the
promotional items and banners while they may entice you into purchasing are more
to distract attention of any malevolent sort. Aurors are strategically placed around
the fields, stadium and school, and the charms in place are enough to knock any
nasty Dark Wizard right on his tail. In the event of an assault, please do not panic
and allow the defensive wizards, dragons, and charms do their work."
Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched McGonagall sigh in relief, and smirked
to himself. It was just so fun goading their stern Deputy Headmistress with the
innuendo and side comments.
"Now, before players take the field, the roster for today's game is as follows:
For the Gryffindor team: Co-Captains, and Bludgers... err Beaters Fred and
George Weasley, the prats who got our beloved heroes in this mess..."
"Jordan, I'm warning you..." McGonagall growled lowly, yet the entire stadium still
heard her.
"Chasers for Gryffindor are the lovely and talented Alicia Spinnet, Angelina
Johnson, and the unconquerable Katie Bell..." The cheers and whistles rocked the
stadium. "New to the team, and welcome addition is third-year Alex Mercado as
Keeper, who, due to the restrictions on the bet gets to guard the goals in his
uniform." Laughter and applause sounded clearly, and in true style, the crescendo
was rising. "And, Seeker-extraordinaire, the man who has NEVER missed a Snitch
- 129 -
the one..." The screams began, "The ONLY" and whistles, hoots and chants echoed,
"HARRY POTTER!" The roar of the stadium was deafening.
Just to his side, he heard McGonagall's resigned sigh. Well, what commentator
would ignore the fact that not only was Harry a celebrity to the wizarding world, he
was a Quidditch super-star in the making? Goodness, he had his own promotional
merchandise to make him a very wealthy man before he left school.
Lee paused long enough to let the cheers fade somewhat. "And, the Slytherin
gits..."
"JORDAN!" Goodness, the woman had impeccable timing and volume.
"Team," he amended hastily. "The Slytherin team is as follows: Captain and

Chaser Marcus Flint." Music to his ears, short of the small contingent of Slytherins
(past and present), most of the stadium roared with resounding 'boos.' "Chasers
Denis Warrington, Christoph Montague. In the position of Beaters, though they're
bloody Bludgers on their own, (Heh.) Iggy Bole and Gunter Derrick. Incompetent
Keeper will mind the goals, and playing Seeker since he bought his way onto the
team..."
"JORDAN! STOP THAT RIGHT..."
"Draco Malfoy and his shiny Nimbus 2001 collection, sported by all his lovely
well-purchased team members..."
"JORDAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
"Sorry Professor, my house loyalty got in my way," he apologized adroitly. He

grinned cheekily. "Now, if we can have everyone stand, let's have it for the
Hogwarts School Song."
With a great deal of chaotic noise, all attendees stood, their right arm crossing
their breast in a patriotic gesture that placed hand above heart. Then, and only then,
did the greatest known tragedy of what it meant to be a wizard begin.
The slaughter of music was profound. Caterwauling in the extreme, and Jordan,
despite his patriotic love of the game of Quidditch, his role of commentator and the
wizarding world he lived in, had to shudder.
Fortunately, the murder of their beloved anthem ended quickly. "Right. Lovely
folks... just lovely. Well, with all the preambles out of the way... let's play
- 130 -
QUIDDITCH!"
Again, the crowds roared their approval. Lee glanced down to the changing room
doors that led out to the pitch and absently wondered what was happening in the
Gryffindor changing rooms. Oh, to be a fly on those walls. Especially with all the
extra compound eyes just to gaze wondrously at the team Chasers. He sighed lustily,
wincing when McGonagall glared at him.
A flurry of action hit the field as the Slytherin team burst from their change room,
their green and silver uniforms a sharp contrast to the blue sky and fluffy white
clouds. "And, out first are the Slytherins... FLINT, WARRINGTON, MONTAGUE,
BOLE, DERRICK, BLETCHLY and... MALFOY!"
The cheering was more for the game about to start than anything else. Now, the
crowds gazed with avid fascination towards the area where the Gryffindor team
would emerge. The tension was palpable, the hunger just delicious.
Glancing around, Lee spotted Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting
complacently in one of the best boxes of the stadium. They looked calm, very
nonchalant and completely at ease with all that was happening around them. Well, if
rumor was true, Ginny had seen up close and personal the most prized package the
school had to offer. She could afford to be blasé. But, Hermione? Well, perhaps she
did hanker for Ron more than Harry, contrary to the pool in the tower. He'd have to
change his bet.
It couldn't have been more than seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the
Gryffindor team burst from the sidelines... the sudden gasp of the crowd and then
insane screaming spoke volumes for what was happening. Keeper Alex Mercado,
took to his position in his maroon and gold uniform, the wild grin on his face
infinitely more evil than any Slytherin was capable of.
"AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM... WEASLEY, WEASLEY, BELL, JOHNSON,

SPINNET, MERCADO and... POTTER!"
Blue blurs shot past the commentator's booth and Lee had to wipe his eyes and
stare again just to be sure he saw what he thought he'd seen. The idiots had done it.
They'd actually gone and dyed themselves with woad. "And for those people out
there who are ogling the fine specimens of Gryffindor flesh, the blue twits are the
Weasley twins... I hope they realize that woad won't come out of their skin for
another month or so."
The laughter was uproarious.

- 131 -
There was a bit of a murmur about the girls, skirting around in their robes with
their hair down and faces glowing. Some token protests echoed in the crowds, and
all it did was make the three chasers smile most bewitchingly.
Wisely, Lee held onto the desk firmly.
With a flick of their wrist, and in perfect time, the cloaks were tossed aside,
drifting the ground like chiffon scarves on the wind. The girls sat cockily on their
broomsticks in bras and little pleated skirts, with knee high boots gracing their long,
long legs. "Oh dear," Lee mumbled.
McGonagall just muttered to herself, one hand braced over her eyes as she shook
her head. Poor woman seemed in pain.
In a quick action, Katie, Alicia, and Angelina lost one boot... the three black boots
falling in almost a prearranged pattern to the ground as they whipped by the stands,
giving the crowds quite the eyeful. The other boot nipped away seconds later, then
the skirts, leaving only string bikini bottoms and bras.
"We should have done a pool on what male in the stadium wouldn't get a woody,"
Lee muttered to himself. "Damn..."
The bras vanished next and the roar in the stadium, a masculine sound of pure
testosterone, was powerful. Then, the bikini bottoms and there was such a groan...
"Oh dear," Lee squeaked. "Err... well... seems all is in order by rules for this
match." He didn't notice the break in his voice.
High above all the rigmarole sat Potter, shoulders back, his body poised proudly
on display and looking like a virtual Adonis. If all the men in the stadium were
gawking at the girls, then every female in the stadium was glued to Potter. Hell, just
looking at the wizarding world's own adolescent hero, Lee had to admit that if it
weren't for the fact that he was firmly heterosexual, he would have been tempted.
Interesting how Draco seemed to be sniffing about quite closely to Potter. "The
teams are taking their positions, and it looks like the game is already in the bag for
the Gryffindors. The Slytherin Seeker can't seem to identify the difference between
the Golden Snitch and Potter's..."
"JORDAN!" McGonagall's screech was beyond simply outraged.
"Err..." Jordan winced.

- 132 -
Madam Hooch fortunately took this opportunity to signal both teams from the
centre of the field. Clearly, her voice amplified by charm, she opened the game in
her usual style. "I want a nice fair game, all of you," she insisted, glaring fiercely at
the Captains (and Co-Captains) of both teams.
"The players assume position, in preparation for the release of the Quaffle." Lee
was back to business. "Madam Hooch raises the whistle and... the Quaffle is
released. Katie Bell, one of the best Chasers ever out of Gryffindor takes possession
of the Quaffle, shifting her little arse a little for a bit of wiggle to distract the
Slytherin Beater-boys most successfully."
"JORDAN!"
"Captain Marcus Flint cuts across to joust Bell for the Quaff... Spinnet to the
rescue, and I bet Flint got an eyeful there. Katie passes back to Angelina and... look
at those breasts bounce!"
"JORDAN!" McGonagall's voice reached upper octaves.
"Did I say that aloud? Oops. Johnson takes possession of the Quaffle, passes long
back to Alicia and... Bletchly dives to intercept... SCORE! Ten points for Gryffindor!
Slytherin takes possession. Chaser Montague ducks one Bludger and dives to evade
Spinnet. Speeding toward the goals, his own teammates Bole and Derrick keep
aiming Bludgers to keep Gryffindor Chasersclear. Oh-ho... he shoots... Mercado
dives and blocks the score. Ten-nothing, Gryffindor!"
"Johnson takes control of the Quaffle and... what the HELL?"
McGonagall leapt to her feet, mouth gaping--but not in response to Jordan, rather
at the sudden spectacle manifesting on the pitch. She disappeared in a flurry of
robes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have Death Eaters on the pitch!" It took a moment of
squinting, but Lee eventually managed to establish details of what was happening
below. And, appropriately, refocused on his priorities. "The teams are continuing to
play... Warrington has the Quaffle, swerves to evade Johnson and-- OUCH. Bell takes
possession. Tosses to Spinnet who ducks under the Bludger with a brilliant dive.
Comes right on Bole... who should have jigged instead of jagged. That Bludger to the
ribs has got to smart."
It was at this point that the Death Eaters seemed to figure out what they were
doing. Concurrently, Jordan noticed, the Moldiemort board above the pitch lit up
- 133 -
with some new adverts for Potter's latest project.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A black-robed Death Eater jumped up and down
hysterically. "I WANT POTTER DEAD! "
Lee grinned. "Ladies and gents! What a rare treat! For those of you doubting the
return You-Know-Who, please take note of the jumping-bean lunatic on the field."
Truly, for the Dark Lord, he was a pathetic sight. All pearly skin, his eyes slits and
nose mere slits... the resemblance to something serpentine was profound. The foam
at the corners of the mouth, though...
"Ah, I see Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Goyle, Sr. are in attendance with their
master," Lee chortled as Voldemort's histrionics resulted in removing the masks and
hoods off his two followers.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"
A sudden flurry of activity above caught the attention of all in the stadium,
including the Death Eaters. It was as if Harry Potter had deigned to give Voldemort
a shot at his greatest wish. Swooping in a spectacular dive, and evading hexes
tossed at him by the Death Eaters, he dropped straight for Voldemort's position.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"
"Potter's apparently lost his mind." Jordan leaned forward, puzzled. The game
around them continued, with lively distraction on the part of the players as a result
of Potter's sudden action. "And I..."
Harry was within a meter of the Dark Lord when his hand lifted off the broom and
shot out towards Voldemort. All the spectators that could see Harry's face watched
him speak a brief few words to the Dark Lord, and then in a sweeping pass, his hand
nipped into Voldemort's hood and extracted quickly the Golden Snitch in his grip.
"One hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor! The cheek of Potter! His eye was
firmly on the Snitch there, folks, and the game is concluded. One hundred and
seventy points for Gryffindor, the victors!" Lee paused. "Hot damn! That may be one
of the shortest games in Quidditch history!"
- 134 -
Chapter 10
Your Daily Snitch
by RITA SKEETER
photos by A. KINETIC
The Daily Prophet
HOGWARTS-- Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperature
about the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch today, there was a definite storm of rampant
hormones and burning excitement.
The event causing the ruckus – the now infamous "Naked Quidditch Match"-- or
more commonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Of course,
contrary to initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the
foolish gambling of Co-Captains Fred and George Weasley. Neither of which
Weasley boy presently enjoys much popularity with their teammates, rumor has it.
"We didn't think we could lose, either way!" the blue-skinned duo chimed cheekily
to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game, but still quite
Smurf-blue having dyed themselves in true Celtic fashion prior to the game.
The stands for today's game were packed beyond capacity. Headmaster Albus
Dumbledore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the
game, and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts
in terms of attendance.
In an understanding display of good sportsmanship and depraved hormones, the

Slytherin team appeared from the Changing rooms first, clad in their trademark
green and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took
their positions-- like the rest of the fans-- to watch hungrily for the Gryffindor team.
The members of the team honored the terms of the bet and were dutifully unclad.
For the most part. The three Chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson,
Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell, appeared fully robed – and then did the most
provocative and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le
Fay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those not
committed to ogling Harry Potter's significant assets) spellbound.
- 135 -
And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor team, their renowned Seeker Harry
Potter (The Boy Who Lived) took to the field like a god. More than one student
commented on his poise, his grace, and his use of his God-given equipment. At age
17, Potter has most definitely earned his place in Witch Weekly as the Wizarding
World's most desired bachelor.
In spite the bawdy conditions on today's game, and the few hiccups that
interrupted the play (A minor Death Eater attack was circumvented.
He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle
of the stadium pitch, it was perhaps the most professionally played game this
reporter has ever seen.
"Potter's accuracy at finding and securing the Snitch is amazing. There's no place
he won't fly to, no maneuver he won't make. He's tops on a broom!" praised Oliver
Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once the
Captain of the Gryffindor team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for the
much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the
Executive President of Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Ginevra Weasley, announced
that sales were at 98, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for
production to meet the burgeoning demand of the public.
"It's a smash!" reported Ms. Weasley. "And we're delighted to make such an
amazing contribution to St. Mungo's Victims Unit. Already we've committed 375
thousand Galleons to charity!"
The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from
Potter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the
few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen
sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (TM) were the ONLY
garments to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and
dominant. "They were designed to empower witches and wizards. To give us all a
sense that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run
from, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so," Ginevra Weasley
informed us at the press meeting.
This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding

proponent for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world.
And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit,
it seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry
officials in attendance wasted no time in seizing Death Eaters Lucius Malfoy, Avery
MacNair, and Vincent Goyle, who were trying to pick up their fallen master and
- 136 -
escape. As attacks go, it was a laughingstock-- and one which Potter made into a
bigger humiliation by plucking the Snitch out from the hood of Voldemort's robe
whilst a "verse" from the upcoming Mockeries of a Dark Lord flashed across the
Wiztronic above the commentator's booth.
It was one of the most dramatic and powerful games of Quidditch history, and also
one of the shortest. "Not even ten minutes," bemoaned Fred Weasley. "We knew
Harry wasn't happy about having his bits scattered across all the papers, but really!"
Added his twin, George, "He could have held out for at least a half hour!"
End of the Naked Quidditch Match
Happy Snitches!
- 137 -

Evilgoddss - The Original Naked Quidditch Match

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Evilgoddss - The Original Naked Quidditch Match

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Copyright Page

The content in this book is copyrighted by Evilgoddss or their authorised

Naked Quidditch Match - The Beginning

To: All Students

From: Deputy Head Mistress, M. McGonagall

Re: Naked Quidditch (11/15/01)

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates

From: Gred and Forge Weasley

Re: Game Next Week

From: Ginny / Founder

Re: Game Next Week

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team

From: Alicia Spinnet

You are SO very dead.

- Katie, Alicia and Angelina

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Re: Charm for Camera

To: George and Fred Weasley

Re: You guys have a BIG Problem.

To: Angelina & Katie

From: Alicia Spinnet

Re: The Damn Quidditch Match

To: Fred and George

Re: Your AWOL Seeker

To: Lee Jordan

From: Fred Weasley

Re: Finding Harry

From: Lee Jordan

And George, insecurity complex much?

To: Lee Jordan

From: Fred and George Weasley

Re: Err? What?

You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera?

To: Ron Weasley

From: His Wonderful Big Brothers

Re: AWOL Seeker

Fred & George

To: All Gryffindors

From: Ron Weasley

Re: Attention All Gryffindors

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione Granger

Re: You didn't tell him!

From: Ginny Weasley

To: Ron Weasley

From: Your Secret Admirer

Re: Rumors of Pictures

Umm. I don't know what to say other than...

- Your Secret Admirer

From: Your Bestest Bud, Ron

Let me know! I'll read HaH if you can help!

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team

From: Fred & George Weasley

Re: Our Missing Seeker

- Gred and Forge

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team

Re: The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in.

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team

From: Fred and George Weasley

Re: Concede the game?!

- Gred and Forge

To: All Gryffindors

From: Neville Longbottom