Personal Change Project Final Report

Connor Philpot
COMM 2110
Personal Change Project
Professor Kelly Jones
Overview
This paper is the culmination of my work on my personal change project and its
journal entries. The goal of this project for me was to speak my mind in situations
where I’m uncomfortable, especially in group settings. I wanted to apply strategies
we learned in class as well as from the textbook in order to help me achieve this
goal. I wanted to use skills such as direct and indirect perception checking,
confirming responses in conversation, and the compromise conflict management
style. This project has helped me to use these skills to improve my communication
when it comes to this goal. I have become more conscious of my own needs, and I
think I’ve become better at expressing my own feelings in these situations. Though
I still think there’s room to do better. One goal being not overdoing it and knowing
what to say in certain situations. Coming off as more assertive instead of
aggressive.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I tend to not speak my opinion on subjects where it matters. People will ask me
“are you fine with that?’ I’ll tend to just say “okay” instead of telling them how I
really feel because I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes. This often leads to
situations where they find out after the fact, I wasn’t comfortable or wanted to do
it, and they’ll get frustrated. This often leading to conflicts of some sort.
Here are some examples
 My friend was having a fight with his family, one which was instigated by
his mom and his sister. It was their fight, but eventually he only made the
fight keep going by interjecting and making things continue. When he was
venting to me about it, I picked up on this and wanted to say something. I
didn’t express my opinion on the subject however and just agreed with him.
 I did this because in this moment if I told him that he was in the wrong as
well, he’d get mad like I wasn’t on his side. He picked up I wasn’t being
honest though and it led to him getting peeved that I wasn’t being honest
with him.
 Another time this communication pattern led to problems, was when I was
out with my family. We were getting dinner and were asking what places we
wanted to go out to eat at. The majority rule decided that they wanted to go
this Chinese restaurant. Chinese food didn’t sound to great at the time, and I
knew I wouldn’t eat much or feel sick eating it. I didn’t want to be singled
out however and be the only one not wanting to go, so I didn’t say anything.
My family found out later after we went to the restaurant that I didn’t want
to go, and this led them to be frustrated because I didn’t say anything or
speak up.
Both of these situations came from the fact that I didn’t express my feelings or
opinion because I was afraid of being singled out or getting negative feedback. I
didn’t take into account that these people care about me, and would respect what I
would have to say. In the first situation I feared the negative reaction so I wasn’t
honest with my friend, and in the second I didn’t want to be singled out by my
family. Both of these situations lead to ineffective communication because I wasn’t
honest with them.
Strategies
After starting this project and choosing what I wanted to improve on, I decided to
go through and pick the most effective strategies to improving on this problem. I
wanted my conversations to have more effective communication coming from me.
One of the first strategies I wanted to use was direct perception checking. (Beebe,
Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p. 81) This one because of it’s activeness in a conversation
to be more vocal on something. Directly asking someone about your perceptions in
order to have better communication. Using this strategy would be affective in
changing the flow of a conversation. For example, just telling my friend this is how
I feel but prefacing that I’m still on his side, these are just my feelings on the
matter. Using that direct perception checking in order to get a better feel on a
conversation instead of just assuming something.
For the second strategy I wanted to use the compromise style of conflict
management. (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p. 129, 148- 150) Finding a middle
ground with all parties involved in order to have better communication. Everybody
getting what they want out of a situation, or are at least pleased. This technique
would be helpful in situations like the Chinese restaurant with my family. Many of
them wanted Chinese food, but I didn’t. If I just spoke up and said I didn’t really
want Chinese food, we could have reached a compromise. Maybe by going to a
place that offers Chinese food but also other options as well. This meaning
everybody is happy, and I get to be open about my feelings on it. This strategy
being effective at helping me to achieve my goal.
Constraints
There were a couple of problems when using these strategies to achieve my goal
however. The first issue being the way I was raised. Growing up I was in a very
passive aggressive type household. This meaning when people were mad, we
tended to avoid conflict or just not say anything. This is still prevalent in my
communicating today.
My other issue is the fine balance of assertiveness and aggressiveness. When
speaking your mind, especially in a conflict like situation, it can be easy to come
off as angry or agitated. My goal is to just be assertive and speak my mind, and to
not cause conflicts by disagreement or argumentation. So, trying to keep that
balance and not go overboard is one of my struggles when it comes to making my
communication more me oriented.
Implementation
Starting this goal was a bit of a challenge for me specifically because I was afraid
of falling into the second constraint I listed. I didn’t want to come off as aggressive
or non-other oriented in my conversations. This is what normally holds me back
from speaking my mind in situations like these, so I wanted to try pretty hard when
it came to these conflicts. I thankfully had a lot of opportunities over the course of
this semester to practice the use of these strategies in my conversations with my
friends and family.
The reason I wanted to achieve this goal in particular was because of my friends.
I’ve known a couple of them for a while, so they’re aware of this problem of mine
when it comes to speaking up. Because of the way my friend group is, we are very
open to talking with each other about our problems. So, they were very supportive
when it came to me speaking my mind more often. Especially in situations where I
came off to aggressive and would apologize afterward. They know I didn’t mean to
come off as antagonistic so it was a great help in helping me to achieve my goal.
Thankfully I was able to improve my communication when it came to scenarios
like these with my friends. This most likely being because of the support they
offer. I definitely still have a problem with it regarding my family, however I’m
getting better at it. I’m being more out spoken about things with them now,
especially in group settings.
An example of one of these scenarios happened with a friend of mine. To give
more context, I had a very rough time in high school. I dealt with depression and it
affected my grades quite a bit. Once I graduated, I had made a lot of improvements
and was overall a happier person. So, I decided to work harder when it came to
improving my grades for college. Even during the pandemic, I became a straight A
student. This semester however proved to be a challenge. I decided to do a full set
of classes for my first semester back in person as well as a part time job. This put a
lot of stress on me, but I never really spoke about it because I didn’t want to put a
burden on other people. So, I tended to bottle it up instead of talking about it.
Anytime someone would ask “Hey are you okay?” I would just tell them I was
okay, because I wanted to keep up the straight A positive attitude stint I had going.
Instead of being honest I left it up to my friends to use things like considering past
experiences when interpreting nonverbal cues (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2020
p. 208 - 210) to get how I was feeling. I didn’t want to come off like how I was in
high school, even thought it wasn’t as bad as that, and it being unfair to me and my
feelings.
One of those days, my friend could tell something was off. He asked me the usual
“How are you doing?” I responded with a pretty toned down “I’m doing all right.”
He caught on to it almost immediately, and followed up with the “Okay, you’re
clearly not doing good. Tell me what’s up.” This led to me just using confirming
responses in conversation (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p. 148 – 150) because
I just became an open book. It was the first time I had been honest with how I was
feeling in months since starting the semester. It really helped out a lot to vent about
the stress I was feeling trying to juggle everything. I spoke up about how I was
feeling.
Another example of how I successfully spoke up about something was with my
dad and his jokes. To once again give context, my dad is the type of guy to “throw
it” when it comes to his humor. He like to joke about anything and everything
when it comes to people. However, because of his delivery or his style in general it
can come off as hurtful sometimes. I attribute this to be because of how he was
raised. Usually when he makes a joke that makes me uncomfortable, I ignore it or
say one back in the same degree and tone. Which he normally appreciates, but
some comments still make me uncomfortable. I usually would just stick to being
mindful of others (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p. 80 – 81) instead of causing a
conflict where there doesn’t need to be one.
However, one time a comment really just rubbed me the wrong way. I actually
stood up and was vocal about saying “could you not?” Of course, he prefaced with
the “it’s just a joke” but I retorted with “well it wasn’t very funny to me.” He
apologized for it, and despite it being awkward for awhile I think it really helped. I
think it was affective because of things I did like how I carried myself in that
conversation. Observing other’s reaction to your nonverbal behavior, (Beebe,
Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p.215 - 217) the way I acted and spoke showing that I was
serious about what I was saying. Thankfully my dad was very understanding about
it, and I wasn’t too mad at him for it either.
Results
As I used these strategies more in my communication, I improved little by little
and eventually became very adapt at speaking my mind in group settings with my
friends. Some of the positive consequences being better relationships with my
friends, and feeling less stressed.
Another positive consequence that came from using these strategies, was also
becoming truer to myself. Speaking up lead me to have a greater understanding of
who I am as a person, even if it is just in my methods of communication.
Recommendations
While I think I’ve done a good job at improving my communication overall, I still
think there is room for me to get even better at it. I’ve proved to be effective when
it comes to communicating with my friends. While with my family, which I’ve still
done a good job with, I’ve still got room for me to be more open with them when it
comes to speaking up. I’ll still keep using these strategies and methods.
Another strategy I’d like to use however, would be indirect perception checking.
(Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2020 p. 81) While I used this strategy a bit in my journal
entries, I want to use it more often with my communicating. I’m happy I’ve
become more assertive, but I still want to focus on being other oriented because it’s
who I am. I want to consider the wants of others as well as my own. I want to
always get a feel for how the other person is feeling without having to assume
things or asking them. Implementing this strategy will help me to stay true to
myself even with my ability to be more assertive.
Works Cited
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2020). Interpersonal
Communication: Relating to Others. (9th ed.) Boston: Pearson Education /Allyn &
Bacon.