RELATIONSHIPS

What to Do About a Boring Relationship

By Kendra Cherry

Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS on October 23, 2021

Johnce / Getty Images

Table of Contents
Signs of Boredom in Relationships

Why It Happens

How to Fix a Boring Relationship

Is the Relationship Worth Saving?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. The early stages are often marked Ad
by intense and passionate emotions that gradually temper with time. As
your relationship grows steadier and more comfortable, you might start to
f h i i i bi ll li l b i
fear that it is growing a bit too well-worn—or even a little boring. 

Advertisement

F9 Oreillette Clignotant Microphone A

Bluetooth LED Mignon Condensateur
Stéréo BT5.1 Chat Oreilles... - 3.5mm - Noir
... 14620.0 FCFA 10684.0 FCFA
4900.0 FCFA
Acheter Acheter Acheter

Ventes flash seulement sur App

Advertisement

Your relationship might be mostly free of con ict, but you still might nd
yourself feeling unsatis ed, tired, or just plain uninspired. So can you inject
some excitement back into a monotonous relationship, or is it time to move
on and nd a fresh start?

This article discusses some of the signs you are in a boring relationship and
some of the reasons why the shine often starts to wear o . It also covers
steps you can take to x boredom in a relationship and know if it is time to
move on.

Signs of Boredom in Relationships

Some signs that you might be in a boring relationship:

You don't feel interested about your partner's life, feelings, or interests.
You don't pay as much attention to each other as you did at the beginning of
your relationship.
Thinking about the future of your relationship makes you feel uneasy or
unhappy.
You nd spending time with other people much more enjoyable and
exciting.
You wish you could change your partner or your relationship.
You feel like you have nothing in common.
Ad
You have a hard time nding things to talk about.
You don't enjoy spending time together.
 Advertisement

Ventes flash seulement sur App

Jumia Advertisement

You often feel irritated or annoyed with your partner or vice versa.
You don't feel attracted to them anymore.
You don't appreciate each other anymore. 

It is important to remember, however, that boredom is not the same thing

as being comfortable. After all, it's important to feel comfortable with your
partner. It means that you trust them, and you feel like you can just be
yourself when you are with the other person.

If you and your partner are happy, content, and satis ed with your
relationship, then occasional less-than-exciting periods are normal and
probably not harmful.

And even if these bouts of boredom are more serious and disruptive, it isn't
necessarily a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail. Instead, it might
indicate that it's time to make some change or invest more energy into
spicing up your dating or married life.

It's when boredom signi es stagnation or lack of growth that it becomes a

problem. If you aren't showing each other the time, attention, and a ection
that you need to thrive in a partnership, boredom can mean your
relationship is heading in a negative direction.

Recap
A boring relationship is often characterized by a loss of interest,
a ection, and attention. Being comfortable in your relationship is a Ad

good thing—but boredom can signify that things need to change.

Related: What to Do When You No Longer Have Romantic Feelings for Your
Partner

Why It Happens
The early days of your relationship with your partner were likely lled with
feelings of excitement and an intense urge to spend time with one another.
However, the intensity of those initial feelings often wanes over time.
Instead of powerful passion, your relationship develops an increased sense
of closeness, trust, and intimacy.

This is a typical sign that your relationship is moving from what is known
as passionate love (which is usually more eeting) into what is known as
compassionate love (which is more enduring). 

Advertisement

F9 Oreillette Clignotant Microphone A

Bluetooth LED Mignon Condensateur
Stéréo BT5.1 Chat Oreilles... - 3.5mm - Noir
... 14620.0 FCFA 10684.0 FCFA
4900.0 FCFA
Acheter Acheter Acheter

Ventes flash seulement sur App

Advertisement

Passionate and Compassionate Love

Feelings of excitement and ardor characterize passionate love. It can be an
almost all-consuming type of love that makes you want to be with the
object of your a ection as much as possible. You're still getting to know one
another, and everything you learn about the other person seems new and
fascinating. 

When you are in the midst of passionate love, you also tend to idealize your Ad

partner. Their habits and quirks are endearing, and you tend to overlook
their shortcomings. 
 The fact is that while passionate love feels great, it's perfectly normal
for these feelings to lessen over time. Research suggests that these
early stages of passionate love begin to decline by about 12 to 18
months after starting a romantic relationship. [1]

Compassionate love is more profound and much more intimate. It is marked

by commitment, trust, and a ection. People who have reached this stage of
their relationship care deeply, understand one another, and support each
other. 

But this doesn't mean that long-term relationships have to be boring or

lack in passion. The strongest relationships strike a balance between the
excitement of passionate love and the intimacy of compassionate love.

Other Reasons Why Relationships Grow Boring

Boredom in relationships can also be caused by other factors beyond this
natural shift from passionate to compassionate love. Other problems that
might play a role in sapping the excitement from your romantic relationship
include:

Advertisement

Advertisement

You have di erent interests: Your relationship can grow weary if you lack
basic compatibility. If you don’t share the same goals and interests, it can
Ad
be challenging to nd common ground to keep you connected to one
another.
You don’t have deep or meaningful conversations: Communication is critical
You don t have deep or meaningful conversations: Communication is critical
to a healthy relationship. [2] If you aren’t talking seriously about your goals,

feelings, opinions, and other topics, you may nd that you start to grow
apart over time.
You’ve given up your own goals to stay in the relationship: If you’ve
abandoned your own interests, hopes, or dreams in favor of someone else’s,
it is only a matter of time before you start to grow weary of suppressing
your own wants and needs. 
You don’t have your own interests and hobbies: You also need to focus on
having your own hobbies outside of your relationship. Doing so will help
you feel more excited about your life in general, but it will also give you
something you can talk about and share with your partner.
You stop putting e ort into your relationship: Keeping a relationship
interesting means that you need to show each other interest, attention, and
a ection. Ignoring feelings, not spending time together, and neglecting
each other’s needs are bound to contribute to feelings of boredom. 

Advertisement

F9 Oreillette Clignotant Microphone A

Bluetooth LED Mignon Condensateur
Stéréo BT5.1 Chat Oreilles... - 3.5mm - Noir
... 14620.0 FCFA 10684.0 FCFA
4900.0 FCFA
Acheter Acheter Acheter

Ventes flash seulement sur App

Advertisement

You don’t make an e ort to combat boredom: When you start feeling bored,
it is important to take steps to add excitement back into your relationship.
This might involve nding new things to do together or even making other
changes in your life that will address the underlying feelings of discontent. 

Recap
It's perfectly normal for relationships to settle into something more
stable and steady over time. But more complicated factors such as poor Ad

compatibility, lack of communication, and lack of e ort might also

cause boredom.
Related: Why Are You Feeling Lonely in a Relationship?

How to Fix a Boring Relationship

Boredom can have a severe negative impact on a relationship. One older
study found that people who reported feeling bored in their marriage were
less satis ed in their relationship nine years later. [3] More recent research
has found that people may have an inherent psychological need for variety
and novelty, which explains why boring relationships can be challenging. [4]

There are strategies that you can utilize to infuse some excitement and
energy back into a boring relationship. To improve your relationship, you
should start by asking yourself a few questions:

Are you bored, or are you just comfortable? If you are confusing the two, it
might be worth spending some time thinking about your expectations and
what you hope to get out of a relationship.
What aspects of your relationship feel humdrum? Knowing what areas you'd
like to focus on can give you a sense of direction when coming up with
solutions.

Once you better understand the problem, you might consider implementing
one or more of the following solutions.

Change How You Think

Research suggests that a strategy known as cognitive reappraisal can
change how people think about love and their relationship. This process
involves interpreting situations in di erent ways to change how you think
and feel about them.

With this strategy, you might focus on looking at your partner's positive
qualities and think about how those characteristics contribute to your
relationship.

Change Your Routines

Feeling bored in your relationship may be a re ection of being bored in
Ad
general. One way to change this is to shake up your everyday routines.
Instead of eating at the same places, consider going somewhere new as a
couple Find a new hobby that the two of you can try together Or even look
couple. Find a new hobby that the two of you can try together. Or even look
for ways that you can spice things up in the bedroom. 

New Things to Try Together

Many factors can contribute to boredom, but researchers have identi ed
two that are common in relationships: lack of stimulation and lack of
novelty. Exploring new things together is a solution that can help.
Things you can try include:

Start working out together

Visit new places together
Find new tv shows to watch together
Go to a sports event
Attend a concert together
Go hiking 
Sign up for a couple's cooking class
Try a new sport like skiing or kayaking
Create a scrapbook or photo book of some of your favorite memories as
a couple

Research suggests that shared activities can be an e ective way to combat

boredom in relationships. For example, one 2013 study found that couples
who tried a four-week online intervention to increase relationship
excitement reported feeling greater excitement and relationship satisfaction
four months later. [5]

Self-expanding activities—or those that are novel, arousing, and

positive—tend to o er the most signi cant bene ts. [6]

Go on Dates
If you’ve fallen into a rut as a couple, it might be time to take things back to
basics and repeat some of the activities you enjoyed when you rst began
dating. Going out on a date once a week can be a great way to reconnect and
talk. Focus on those feelings you had at the beginning of your relationship
and practice thinking of your partner with a similar sense of excitement. 

You might make it more exciting by surprising one another. Buy tickets to Ad

see your partner’s favorite game or suggest a spontaneous adventure that

you’ve been thinking about. The key is to nd time for one another to focus
on your relationship without other pressures or distractions. [7]

Work Together
It’s important to remember that you should be working together to nd
solutions to your feelings of boredom. While you can take steps on your own
to liven things up, your e orts will be much more e ective if both of you
are on the same page and working together to bring the excitement back
into your lives. 

Get Counseling
In some cases, you might nd it helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor
about your relationship issues. This can be particularly true if your feelings
of boredom connect to a deeper issue like a lack of communication or how
you think about your relationship.

Relationship counseling can also be a great way to improve your connection

to your partner and satisfaction with your relationship. One study found
that people who had couples therapy reported improvements in
communication and relationship satisfaction and better intimacy and
responsiveness. [8]

If you've lost interest in more than just your relationship, it is essential to

realize that it might be a sign of something more. Loss of interest, also
known as anhedonia, is a cardinal symptom of depression and other issues,
including anxiety, bipolar disorder, and stress. Talk to a healthcare
professional if you are concerned that your feelings might be more than
regular boredom.

Recap
Feeling bored doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. By working
together, you can nd ways to bring passion and excitement back into
your relationship. Spending time together, changing your thoughts, and
trying new things are strategies that can help.

Related: The 6 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs of 2021

Ad

Is the Relationship Worth Saving?

Just because the initial excitement of your relationship begins to dwindle
does not mean that love fades or lessens. When it comes to relationships,
you might be motivated to reduce boredom in a variety of ways. 

First, you might choose to invest in the relationship and nd new ways for
you and your partner to connect. 
Some people might feel that the situation is hopeless and live with the
boredom, contributing to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. 
Finally, some people resolve the problem by ending the relationship and
pursuing potentially more exciting alternatives. [9]

Suppose you decide that your relationship is worth saving. In that case, it is
important to cope by taking the rst option—invest in your relationship in
ways that will increase your happiness and improve your relationship.
Su ering in silence will only lead to feelings of resentment and
dissatisfaction that will negatively a ect your relationship more in the long
run.

But if you decide that the relationship is not worth saving, you may nd
that it is better to break things o now and begin looking for other
relationships that are better suited to your needs and your life. Calling it
quits once you recognize that a relationship is not suitable for you is often
the best choice.

A Word From Verywell

It isn't unusual for relationships to get boring from time to time.
Sometimes it can be a sign that you need to take steps to reinvigorate the
relationship, but at other times it can be a sign of something more serious. 

The key to addressing it is to open up a line of communication with your

partner. Be open and honest about how you feel. Once you both understand
what is going on, you can either work together to address the problem or
talk about other options, which might include couples counseling or
potentially breaking up. 

Ultimately, remember that relationships aren't always e ortless. They take

work—even when it comes to keeping the spark alive. There's no single,
simple solution that is right for every couple. However, if you are both
willing to commit the time and e ort, you can work together to get your Ad

relationship back on the right (more exciting and satisfying) track.

 Read Next: Wondering If Your Relationship Is Worth Saving? Here's How to
Tell

Share Flip Email Text

Was this page helpful?

9 Sources

Related Articles

RELATIONSHIPS

How to Build a Respectful Relationship

Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

RELATIONSHIPS

Why Are You Feeling Lonely in a Relationship?

Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD

Ad
RELATIONSHIPS
How to Maintain Interpersonal Relationships
Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

RELATIONSHIPS
What to Do If You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart
Fact checked by Karen Cilli

Ad
RELATIONSHIPS

What Does It Mean to Be in an Exclusive Relationship?

Medically reviewed by Margaret Seide, MD

RELATIONSHIPS
What to Do When You No Longer Have Romantic Feelings
for Your Partner
Fact checked by Aaron Johnson

Ad
RELATIONSHIPS
What to Do If You Feel Unwanted In a Relationship
Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD

RELATIONSHIPS
What's the Difference Between Lust and Love?
Medically reviewed by Margaret Seide, MD

RELATIONSHIPS

You Cheated and Were Caught, Now What?

Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

Ad

RELATIONSHIPS
 Are You In a Healthy Relationship?
Medically reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW

RELATIONSHIPS

How Imago Therapy Works

Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

RELATIONSHIPS
How Do You Know When It's Time to Move in Together?
Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

Daily Tips for a Healthy Mind to Your Inbox

ONE-TAP SIGN UP

Follow Us
Ad
Mental Health A-Z
Self-Improvement
Psychology
News
Voices
The Verywell Mind Podcast

Our Review Board About Us

Editorial Process Anti-Racism Pledge

Privacy Policy In the News

Cookie Policy Advertise

Terms of Use Careers

California Privacy Notice Contact

Verywell Mind's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not
intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Ⓒ 2021 About, Inc. (Dotdash) — All rights reserved

Verywell Mind is part of the Dotdash publishing family.

Ad