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Real-World #1- Marriage

Abbey M. Schwab

Department of Family & Consumer Sciences, Pittsburg State University

FCS 480: Dynamics of Family Relationships

Dr. Shawnee Hendershot

November 6, 2021
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Real-World #1- Marriage

Marriage can be one of the most incredible experiences of one’s life, or it can be wrought

with strife, abuse, and dissatisfaction. Marriage trends have changed over the decades. Now we

frequently see people choosing to remain single or cohabitate with their partners. In a world

where many couples are divorcing, the age-old question is, “Will my marriage last?” Many

couples are unaware of what lies ahead of them when they enter the marriage union; they are

dumbfounded to find out a strong marriage involves a significant amount of time, work, and

communication.

After many weeks of reading our textbook, Marriages and Families Intimacy, Diversity,

and Strengths, I interviewed one of my best friends to take a deeper look into how our textbook

concepts apply to her marriage. Taylor was my interviewee. Knowing her and her husband for a

while, I have seen their marriage grow and change significantly. Through this interview, I

believe it was a healing process for Taylor to understand her marriage further.

It is vital to start a marriage with a strong base to help the relationship be successful, and

one of the ways to do this is with premarital counseling. When I asked if Taylor and her husband

had engaged in premarital counseling, she said they had with a close friend and his wife, who

they consider their mentors. Taylor’s premarital counseling included an assessment on

expectations, personality, chores, money, and how conflict would be handled. They talked

through the results with their mentors and had conversations about issues that could potentially

arise. She said that it benefitted their relationship immensely, and it was a great way to discuss

challenging topics they may never have addressed otherwise. Their premarital counseling

followed what the textbook suggested with an assessment, feedback, and how to handle future

conflict (Olson et al., 2021).

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Once married, there are many ways a couple can keep a marriage strong; religion is one

of those ways. Faith is a significant part of Taylor and her husband’s relationship. Taylor grew

up attending church, but she realized her faith had outgrown her parents as she got older. She

started to participate in Bible studies and found mentors within her church to learn more about

God. Her husband’s walk with God began in high school and grew more in college, where they

met each other. When couples pray together, they become closer, and marital satisfaction

increases (Olson et al., 2021). Taylor mentioned that when she and her husband pray together

and have conversations about their faith, it creates intimacy and love for each other. Since both

already had their own walk with God, it was something they had in common. They found

someone like themselves in values and beliefs, which is called endogamy (Olson et al., 2021).

Taylor and her husband’s faith were not just a selling point for marriage; it is the only

reason they are still together today. Through the last three years, their relationship has

experienced challenging times. Many couples find strength and hope in their religion to face

life’s trials, and they often turn to their faith to make decisions about every aspect of their lives

(Olson et al., 2021). Taylor said standing firm in their faith and turning to God for direction has

allowed them to work through conflicts more effectively and communicate openly.

Taylor and her husband have encountered many challenges with their finances. Until

recently, her husband had been out of a job, so Taylor’s part-time job was their only income.

Finances can be a massive reason for conflict and marital dissatisfaction within a marriage

because a couple does not keep a budget and hides debts and purchases (Olson et al., 2021). It is

evident by Taylor’s answers during the interview that the way she and her husband have decided

to manage their finances causes a great deal of stress on their marriage. Taylor oversees the

finances, which is not surprising considering the one who makes the most money and has the
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time to pay bills traditionally takes on this role (Olson et al., 2021). She gets paid every other

week, and she sits down and donates to the church first, followed by rent and bills, and whatever

is left over is for groceries and other expenses. Her husband recently acquired a seasonal job, so

they send his paycheck directly to their savings account. As discussed in our textbook,

combining finances is different for everyone, and each couple should evaluate what works best

for them (Olson et al., 2021). Taylor and her husband were experiencing many conflicts over not

having joint accounts because they felt like their finances were kept secret from each other. They

have had fewer conflicts over money since joining their accounts. In a good marriage, a couple

has flexibility and is willing to adapt and change to better their relationship and joining bank

accounts is an excellent example of this concept.

When it comes to handling conflict, Taylor and her husband are different. Taylor is a

pursuer when the conflict is about something she has done; a pursuer is the anger style where

when stress is at a breaking point, they want to talk about it and express their feelings (Olson et

al., 2021). She said her husband is usually open to talking about the conflict when it’s Taylor’s

fault. When the conflict is about him, he becomes the anger style of a distancer. A distancer is

someone who retreats and wants to be by themselves amid extreme stress or conflict (Olson et

al., 2021). Taylor and her husband engage in the dance of anger, a term coined by Harriet

Goldhor Learner to describe the back and forth of a purser and a distancer. The dance of anger

happens when the purser wants to talk about the issues, but the distancer seeks to get away from

the conflict (Olson et al., 2021). Her husband grew up in a family that only had unhealthy

conflict, to the point of abuse, so he is terrified to engage in healthy conflict because he does not

know the difference. Over the last few months, Taylor said they have been getting better at
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addressing issues before a crisis arises. Healthy conflict can bring a couple closer together when

it is resolved.

Another thing that brings a couple closer together in a marriage is spending considerable

amounts of quality time together. Time together should be enjoyable and does not have to be

something extremely extravagant or expensive. Many people say their most cherished memories

are simple things like talking on the front porch, playing board games, or doing the dishes (Olson

et al., 2021). Taylor and her husband make time for each other, even if they are busy. They spend

time together at night when they get home from work, cook for one another, and enjoy running

errands together. According to Psychology Today, a common myth within marriage is that you

must be together all the time, which is not true (Weber, 2021). It is healthy to spend time apart

and have your own identity, so it is crucial to find a balance. Taylor and her husband have their

own jobs, different friend groups, and have other interests they pursue outside of their time

together.

In interviewing Taylor, I was able to see where her marriage is strong and where it needs

some work. I loved seeing that throughout our interview, even though there were apparent

negatives, Taylor was always able to see the positive aspects or where they had improved and

adapted their relationship. I have personally seen over the last year how much she and her

husband have improved their communication skills, self-disclosure, and flexibility. Despite

having many challenges thus far, they are actively seeking to improve their relationship.

A couple should not be afraid to seek counseling before and during the marriage, whether

they are facing challenges or not. When faced with adversities, one’s religion can be a great aid

in handling conflict and communicating effectively. Finances can be a big reason a relationship

begins to fall apart, so it is essential to have conversations and take preventative steps in
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budgeting and paying off debts. Conflict is inevitable in a marriage, but it can create intimacy if

resolved in a healthy manner. Intimacy is also established through quality time spent together,

but couples should also have their own interests and identity. I learned through all these concepts

that no one’s marriage is going to be perfect, but with hard work and communication, it can be a

wonderful commitment.
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References

Olson, D., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, L. (2021). Marriages and Families Intimacy, Diversity, and

Strengths (10th Ed.). McGraw Hill LLC.

Weber, J. P. (2021, June 29). 1o Dangerous Myths About Marriage. Psychology Today.

Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-

intimacy/202106/10-dangerous-myths-about-marriage.