Table of Developmental Needs

Age range Developmental Psycho- Restorative, Resulting

theme emotional healing emotional
developmental developmental intelligences
needs nutrients
(for the child) (for the adult)
In-utero, The Right to Exist To feel wanted. Being warmly Trusting in Life.
birth, (Connectedness) To be held, received. Groundedness.
the perinatal sensitively. Making one’s A strong reality
moments, To feel safe. presence known. principle.
Saying ‘I am here’. A feeling of
till 3 months To feel seen.
Feeling safe with inter-
To feel affirmed.
others. connectedness
Comforting touch, with all Life.
holding and eye
contact. ‘I am here, I
Inhabiting the body. am worthy and
Connecting with the I belong.’
Earth.
Birth to 18 The Right to Need To trust others. Reaching out for Emotional
months (Inter-Dependence) To feel secure. help, support, security.
connection. Self-assertion.
To have bodily and
emotional needs Allowing oneself to Ability to
met promptly. receive. tolerate alone-
Allowing the ness.
To have needs met
on one’s own terms. expression of grief. A feeling of
Life’s
To be held and
abundance.
comforted.
Balance of
To have pleasurable
giving and
nourishment.
receiving.
Healthy trust
and healthy
scepticism.
Tolerance of
delayed
gratification.

‘It’s okay to
have needs.’
18 months to The Right to Have To receive support Receiving Humility.
3 years Support for vulnerability – acceptance for Honesty and
(Autonomy) without demand or vulnerability. realness,
expectation. Learning to reach authenticity
To receive out for – and to (instead of
protection in times accept – support. seduction and
of fear. manipulation).
 To be allowed to Learning to accept Loving and
learn and grow limitation, and respecting
without pressure – embrace failure. vulnerability,
at one’s own rate, Learning to enjoy in self and
on one’s own terms. instead of trying to others.
To be shown impress. Freedom from
boundaries without toxic shame or
shaming or pride.
manipulation. Trusting
To be heard. essence rather
than investing
in ‘image’.

‘It’s okay to be
vulnerable.’
3–5 years The Right to To explore the To expand outward Healthy self-
Freedom world. in creative self- containment
(Spirit/Creativity) To freely express expression. (instead of
emotion. To voice feelings. suppression).
Healthy
To express To assert
boundaries:
negativity. boundaries.
knowing when
To say ‘no!’ To repel shame and to say ‘no’.
To say ‘I don’t want.’ guilt.
Strong self-
To say ‘go away!’ To separate what is assertion
others’ experience without
To assert one’s
from what is our violence.
boundaries.
own (healthy
To have space. Strong self-
differentiation).
expression.
To be shown
interpersonal Spirit,
boundaries without creativity: a
shaming or balance
punishment. between the
practical and
To be protected
the aesthetic.
without smothering.
True empathy
To play.
instead of
To be enjoyed. enmeshment
or obligation.

‘I am free to be
me. I am free
to play and
create.’
5–7 years The Right to Love To express passion To give and receive Sexuality as an
(Passion) and sensuality. tenderness. expression of
To give and receive To accept the softer love.
affection physically, feelings. Open-
without invasion, To honour the body. heartedness.
judgement or Open-
To honour the right
exploitation. mindedness.
to privacy. To
To explore and respect and set
discover the
 pleasure of the limits against Flexibility of
body. unwanted intimacy. mind.
To be free from To give flight to the Freedom from
moralisation or imagination. conformism.
shaming. To trust feelings, Embracing
rather than rigid or paradox,
abstract rules. nuance and
relativity.

‘Pleasure is
healthy.’
‘Sex is not
separate from
love.’

7–12 years The Right to Playful To receive To learn playfully, Competence.

Learning instruction without without coercion or The courage to
(Competence) shaming. shaming. try new things.
To receive patient Freedom to pursue The ability to
mentorship. one’s interests and focus attention
Peer-group affinities. on a task.
belonging. Support to develop Acceptance of
Playful learning. competencies failure.
without imposed
To be allowed bodily Persistence.
expectations.
integrity, privacy. ‘Learning is
Bonding with like-
exciting.’
minded others.
‘I can be good
at some things,
and not so
good at other
things. Both
are okay.’
‘I am a valued
friend.’
12 to early The Right to an To form and voice Joining a ‘shared- Heart-centred
20s Opinion opinions. values’ tribe. sexuality.
The Right to a To enjoy social- Following one’s Vocational
Vocation group identity and bliss. fulfilment.
The Right to Sexual belonging. Vocational Self-
Autonomy To receive support development and motivation.
for pursuing one’s enhancement. Self-
passion(s). Flow-state responsibility.
To receive immersion. A sense of our
vocational Expressing and place in the
mentorship and sharing one’s unique world.
opportunity. gifts. A sense of our
Freedom of sexual Respectful value.
expression and exploration of one’s Social and
discovery. sexual identity and political
Questioning desire. awareness,
authority. and a
Questioning culture. Learning about love commitment
and ecstatic to democratic
sexuality. engagement.
Voicing our Healthy
opinions, learning to scepticism and
listen to and respect self-assurance.
those of others.
Contributing to ‘My voice is
community. important.’
Connecting to ‘I have unique
something greater gifts to share.’
than ourselves.
‘I can take
responsibility
for my actions
and for my
destiny.’
‘I am
connected to a
larger world,
and I have a
role to play in
it.’