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Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say –

The Art of Assertive Communication
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Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say –
The Art of Assertive Communication
Presented by: Barbara Brown, CCAS BA '77

May 15, 2012

12 pm – 1pm EDT
Assertiveness challenge 1

How would you deal with “chatty guy”?

a. Ignore him. Definitely don’t make eye contact. When
he tries to interrupt, just keep talking on the phone or
keep your head buried in your work.
b. “George! Can’t you see I’m busy? I don’t have time to
socialize. Don’t you have work to do?”
c. “George, I know you’re just being friendly when you
stop by. I feel so pressured to get my work done that I
don’t have time to socialize. And I find it distracting
when you interrupt me. If I have free time, I’ll stop by
your cubicle and we can chat then.”
Assertiveness challenge 2

How would you deal with the line crasher?

a. “Hey! There’s a line! And that doesn’t look like 12 items

to me.”
b. Smile and say, “Excuse me, there is a line. And I’ve
been waiting in it. It ends back there.”
c. Say nothing. Look at the others in line and roll your
eyes. Think to yourself, “What a jerk. I guess she thinks
she’s more important than everyone else.”
 Assertiveness
 act in your own best interests
 stand up for yourself without undue anxiety
 express honest feelings comfortably
 exercise personal rights without denying the
rights of others

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

It’s about relationships
 More effectively:
 Manage relationships
 Deal with conflict
 Give & receive feedback
 Achieve work/life balance
 Reduce drama & stress
 Set clear boundaries

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

“Everything can be taken from a man but one
thing: the last of the human freedoms - to
choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, to choose one's own way..."
Viktor Frankl
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
 Greatest assertiveness
challenge

 Business – strictly work related

 Personal – family, friends

 Interpersonal at work

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertiveness Continuum

Passive Assertive Aggressive

I’m okay, you’re
not

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertiveness Continuum

Passive Assertive Aggressive

I’m not ok, you’re I’m ok, you’re not
I’m ok, you’re ok
ok I’m okay,okyou’re
not

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 …er,
Are you what do
assertive? you think?

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertiveness Test
1 When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to attention? 0 1 2 3 4

2 Do you find it difficult to make decisions? 0 1 2 3 4

3 Are you openly critical of others’ ideas, opinions, behavior? 0 1 2 3 4

4 Do you speak out in protest when someone takes your place in 0 1 2 3 4

line?
5 Do you often step in and make decisions for others? 0 1 2 3 4

6 Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment? 0 1 2 3 4

7 Are you prone to “fly off the handle”? 0 1 2 3 4

8 If you are disturbed by someone smoking near you, can you say so? 0 1 2 3 4

9 Do you finish other people’s sentences for them? 0 1 2 3 4

10 When you meet a stranger, are you the first to introduce yourself 0 1 2 3 4
and begin a conversation?
0 = no or never 3 = usually or a good deal
1= somewhat or sometimes 4= practically always or entirely
2 = average
 Where do you start?
 Situations
 Attitudes
 Obstacles
 Behavior skills

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Why is it hard
to be
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Assertive?
 Why is it hard
to be
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Assertive?
 Why is it hard
to be
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Assertive?
 Why is it hard
to be
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Assertive?
 Why is it hard XYZ
Inc.
to be
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Assertive?
“They say that time changes
things, but you actually have
to change them yourself.”
Andy Warhol
 “When the only tool
you have is a
hammer, everything
looks like a nail.”
Mark Twain

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Components of assertive
behavior

 Words

 Body language

 Tone of voice

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Guidelines
 Listen

 Clarify

 Focus on issue not person

 KISS – keep it simple sweetheart

 Be congruent

 No apologies or guilt

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 I – Language

Basic I want… or I feel…

Empathetic I understand that you… I feel…

Expanded I feel. . . (the feeling)

When you do . . . (the behavior)
The effects are . . . (how the behavior
affects you)
I'd prefer. . . (what you want)

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

Practice scenario 1
You are working on a team project with another team
member, but you are doing all the planning and preparation.

a. Go to your boss and complain.

b. Approach your colleague and tell him, “I am feeling
overwhelmed by this project. When we started, we agreed
to share the workload. Now I am doing all of it and it’s
interfering with my other work. I will do a, b, and c, as we
agreed. If you do x, y and z, we can touch base in a week
to put everything together.”
c. Send your coworker an email ALL IN CAPS telling him that
he’s not carrying his weight on the project, he’s
inconsiderate, that it’s not fair and you’ll never work on
another project with him.
Practice scenario 2
Sitting in the row behind you at the movie is a young
couple with their infant, who begins to cry.

a. Stay in your seat, turn around and glare at the couple

every time the baby makes noise.
b. “I can’t believe you brought a baby to a movie! That’s
so inconsiderate. Get her out of here.”
c. “I’m feeling really frustrated. When your baby cries it is
impossible for me to hear the movie. Would you please
take her out until she settles down or falls asleep?”
 How to say “no”
 Just say “no”
 Repeat, if necessary
 Only give a reason if it helps
 Consider compromise or alternatives

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertive strategies

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertive strategies

Broken record

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertive strategies

Broken record Escalation

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertive strategies

Broken record Escalation

Time out
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
 Assertive strategies

Broken record Escalation

Time out
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
Fogging
 Negative language

bu and
t
© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates
 Wimp talk

I wonder if
Maybe I guess
you could

Would you
Don’t you
mind very I can’t
think?
much?

It’s not really

Don’t bother I’m sorry
important

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Aggressive talk
Come on,
If you don’t
But you must be
watch out
kidding

Should Shouldn’t Don’t

Won’t You’d better

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Assertive talk

I think I feel I want

How can we
I need Let’s
resolve this?

What do you What do you

think? see?

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Wimp talk Power talk
 Sorry to bother you, I know you’re busy, but I’d
like to arrange a meeting some time soon if
that’s okay with you.

 We normally charge $300 per unit – is that too

much for you?

 Is there any chance you could let me have

those figures when you get a minute?

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Non-verbal keys

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

 Perspectives

Manager

Co-
workers You Clients

Direct
reports

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

Influence

Facilitate

Negotiate Tell

Joint Sell
problem
solve
Delegation
 Task – SMART?
 Why you?
 Your abilities
 Results
 Resources
 Deadlines
 Communication
 How can I be more assertive?
 Know your boundaries

 Congruent body language

 Use "eye" and "I" statements

 Own your own feelings

 Listen

© 2012 Sperling Brown Associates

Additional Resources
 Your Perfect Right, Alberti & Emmons
 I’m OK, You're OK, Thomas Harris
 Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer
 The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle
 The Art of Possibility, Benjamin Zander &
Rosamund Stone Zander
 Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman
 barbara@sperlingbrown.com
www.sperlingbrown.com
http://www.linkedin.com/in/barbarabrownpcc