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 Act 5, Scene 1
First Clown: Is she still having a Christian burial even though she committed suicide?
Second Clown: She is.
First Clown: How is that, unless she drowned in her own self-defense?
Second Clown: Good point.
First Clown: I think she did commit suicide.
Second Clown: I don’t think so.
First Clown: If the man goes to the water and drowns, he drowns himself. If the water comes to
him and he drowns, he doesn’t drown himself.

Second Clown: Is this the law?

First Clown: Yes.
Second Clown: Do you want to know the truth? If this woman was not a gentlewoman, she
wouldn’t have a Christian burial.

First Clown: If someone has the guts to drown themselves, they are not Christian. There aren’t
any ancient gentlemen except gardeners, ditchers, and gravediggers. They hold up Adam’s
profession.

Second Clown: Was he a gentlemen?

First Clown: He was the first to have arms.
Second Clown: He didn’t have any.
First Clown: Are you a heathen? The Bible says the Adam dug. So Adam dug. I have a question,
if you don’t answer it correctly, then God help you!

Second Clown: Ask me.

First Clown: Who builds stronger than the mason, the ship-builder, or the carpenter?
Second Clown: The gallows maker.
First Clown: You are right. The gallows are built stronger than the church to someone who does
evil. Try again.

Second Clown: Who builds stronger than a carpenter, a ship-maker, or a mason?

First Clown: You tell me that.
Second Clown: Okay.
First Clown: What is it?
Second Clown: I don’t know.

First Clown: The next time someone asks you that question, say ‘a gravedigger’ because his
houses last until doomsday! Now, go to Yaughan and get me some whiskey.

In youth when I did love, did love,

Methought it was very sweet,
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To contract, O, the time, for-a my behove,

O, methought, there-a was nothing-a meet.

Hamlet: Does this guy not realize he is a gravedigger?

Horatio: He doesn’t think of it.
Hamlet: Okay. I see.

First Clown:
But age, with his stealing steps,
Hath claw’d me in his clutch,
And hath shipped me intil the land,
As if I had never been such.

Hamlet: That skull had a tongue that could sing once. Look at how he throws it there as if it
were Cain who committed the first murder. This might be the head of a crafter.

Horatio: It could be.

Hamlet: Or of a courtier, who could say, ‘Good morning, sir. How are you, sir?’ This could be my
Lord So-and-so, who praised my Lord So-and-so’s horse, but meant to borrow it. Couldn’t it?

Horatio: Yes, it could be.

Hamlet: Now he’s the food for worms. Were his bones made nothing more than to play with?
My bones ache to think about it.

First Clown:
A pick-axe and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet;
O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.

Hamlet: There’s another. This just might be a lawyer. Is this what he gets in the end? Some
dirt? Should the purchaser get more?

Horatio: Not an inch more.

Hamlet: Is parchment made of sheepskin?
Horatio: Yes, and of calfskin too.
Hamlet: People are no better than animals if they think a legal document will protect them. I’ll
speak with this man. Who’s grave is this, man.

First Clown: Mine. A hole of clay that’s specially made-

Hamlet: I could believe that it is really yours because you are lying in it!
First Clown: Your lying out of it and it’s not yours; I won’t lay in it but it is mine.
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Hamlet: You are lying in it and you claim it’s yours. It is for the dead, not for the living.
Therefore you are lying…

First Clown: It’s a living lie. If I’m lying, then so are you.
Hamlet: Who is the man you digging it for?
First Clown: It is not a man.
Hamlet: Who is the woman?
First Clown: It is not a woman either.
Hamlet: Who is going to be buried in it?
First Clown: Someone who was a woman, but she is dead.
Hamlet: He is very literate. Peasants are so close to courtiers that they rub blisters on their feet.
How long have you been a gravedigger?

First Clown: I started the day after old King Hamlet defeated Fortinbras.
Hamlet: How long has it been?
First Clown: You should know that. Every fool knows that. It was the day young Hamlet was
born- he is crazy and has been sent to England.

Hamlet: Of course. Why was he sent to England?

First Clown: They won’t notice he’s there. They’re as crazy as he is.
Hamlet: How did he become so mad?
First Clown: They say strangely.
Hamlet: What do you mean by ‘strangely’?
First Clown: He lost his wits.
Hamlet: Where?
First Clown: Here in Denmark. I’ve been a sexton for 30 years.
Hamlet: How long does a man lie buried before he rots?
First Clown: If he isn’t rotten when he was placed in, about 8 or 9 years. A tanner lasts 9 years.
Hamlet: Why does the tanner last longer than the others?
First Clown: Because his skin is so rough that it takes water a long time to break through it.
Here is a skull that’s been lying here for 23 years.

Hamlet: Who’s is it?

First Clown: It was a crazy person. Who do you think it is?
Hamlet: I don’t know.
First Clown: He poured Rhenish wine on my head once. He is Yorick- the king’s jester!
Hamlet: This?
First Clown: That one.
Hamlet: Poor Yorick! I knew him once, Horatio. He was hilarious. Where are you tricks, jokes, or
songs now that made everyone laugh? Not one left? Horatio: tell me one thing.
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Horatio: What is that?

Hamlet: Do you think Alexander the Great looks like this in the ground?
Horatio: Yes, I do.
Hamlet: And smelled as bad? Ugh!
Horatio: Yes, probably.
Hamlet: How we are recycled! Isn’t it cool how the dust of Alexander the Great could end up
being a stopper for a beer keg?

Horatio: You’re carrying this a  bit too far.

Hamlet: No, it’s not. Alexander dies, he is buried, he returns to dust, and he is made into a cork.
Imperious Caesar, dead and turn’d to clay,
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away.
O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,
Should patch a wall to expel the winter’s flaw!
Quiet! Here comes the king, the queen, and the courtiers. Who do they follow? This person
committed suicide by the way they act. Let’s hide and watch.

Laertes: What other ceremonies?

Hamlet: That’s Laertes, a noble youth. Listen to what he says.
Laertes: What other ceremonies?
Priest: Her funeral rights are gone and the cause of her death is unknown, and if it were a
normal burial, she would be buried in unsatisfied ground until doomsday. Stones would be
thrown on her instead of prayers. Here she gets what a normal person would receive if they
died.

Laertes: Is that all you can do?

Priest: That is all that we can do. We would profane the Service of the Dead if we sang a solemn
requiem and put her to rest like those who die naturally.

Laertes: Lay her in the earth, and may violets grow upon her virginal body. My sister will be an
angel when you are burning in hell, you disrespectful priest!

Hamlet: What? Ophelia?

Queen: I hoped you would have been my Hamlet’s wife. I thought I would spread flowers on
your bridal bed. I didn’t want to place them on your grave.

Laertes: Don’t bury her yet: I want to touch her one last time. May the earth be placed upon
you to make a mountain higher than Mt. Olympus!

Hamlet: Who wants to grieve? It is me- Hamlet the Dane!

Laertes: Let the devil have your soul!
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Hamlet: Let go of me. There is something inside of me you don’t want to mess with!
King: Separate them.
Queen: Hamlet, Hamlet!
All: Gentlemen!
Horatio: Contain yourself!
Hamlet: I’ll fight him over this until I die!
Queen: What’s wrong, Hamlet?
Hamlet: I loved Ophelia. 50 brothers could not equal the love I feel for her. What will you do for
her?
Queen: Leave him alone!
Hamlet: Would you weep, fight, wound yourself, drink vinegar, eat a crocodile? I’ll do it! I
would be buried alive with her! If you’re going to protest, I’ll do it as loud as you!

Queen: This is mad. He’ll be like this for a while.

Hamlet: Why are you treating me like this? I’ve always liked you. Not even Hercules can stop a
dog from having its day!

King: Will you look after him, Horatio? Be patient about what we talked about. Gertrude, make
sure your son is guarded. This grave will have another body as a memorial. Bide your time for
an hour.

Act 5, Scene 2
Hamlet: So much for this. Do you remember all the circumstances?
Horatio: I remember.
Hamlet: I couldn’t sleep because of what is going on. There was a troubling inside of me that
wouldn’t let me sleep. It was worse than convicts in shackels trying to get away. Quickly, and
thanks for the quickness, our unwise and rash acts sometimes benefit us. When our secret
plans are covered, that should teach us that there is a greater power that decides our outcome
no matter how we like it-

Horatio: That’s true.

Hamlet: I got up from my cabin and groped around looking for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,
and when I did, I took the note, broke the seal, and read what it said. It was an order for my
execution!

Horatio: Are you sure?

Hamlet: Here it is; read it at your leisure, but will you listen to me as you read?
Horatio: I hear you.
Hamlet: In the nets of villains, I set down, and wrote a new commission. I wrote it in the
beautiful hand of a professional clerk. It was very useful for me at that time. Do you want to
know what I wrote?
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Horatio: Yes.
Hamlet: I asked the King to kill them immediately.
Horatio: What did you do about an official seal?
Hamlet: I had my father’s signet ring in my bag, and it was identical to the one that the king
used. I switched them safely, and the next day was our fight in the sea. The rest you know.

Horatio: So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern died?

Hamlet: But they loved their work. They practically killed themselves.
Horatio: What kind of a king is this?
Hamlet: Isn’t it up to me? He killed my father, seduced my mother, came between me and my
success, and tried to kill me. Wouldn’t it be poetic if I killed him myself?

Horatio: He’ll soon here from the English King of what happened there.
Hamlet: Very shortly. It doesn’t take long to end a man’s life. I’m sorry I lost control of myself
with Laertes. I see him and me as a mirror image. I will make it up to him.

Horatio: Who is this?

Orsic: Welcome back to Denmark!
Hamlet: I thank you. Do you know this pretty dragonfly?
Horatio: No.
Hamlet: I’m glad to know him. Let one dumb animal own lots of other dumb animals and he can
eat with the king!

Orsic: If you have the time, I can give you a message from the king…
Hamlet: I will take it. Put your hat to its use; put it on your head.
Orsic: Thank you. It is hot out today.
Hamlet: It is very cold; take my word for it. The wind is northerly.
Orsic: It is rather chilly.
Hamlet: But it is pretty hot from my point of view.
Orsic: The king has placed a large wager on your head. He wants you to-
Hamlet: Hat on your head-
Orsic: Laertes is a gentleman of pleasing manners and an excellent appearance. He knows how
one gentlemen should admire another.

Hamlet: Your description fits him, but it would be extremely hard to name all of his qualities,
because you know he is multi-talented. I know he is well worth evaluating, but the only person
that could come close to matching him would be his own shadow.

Orsic: You speak flawlessly of him.

Hamlet: Why are we admiring him?
Orsic: What?
Horatio: Can we speak more simply? I know you’ll try.
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Hamlet: Why speak about him at all?

Orsic: About Laertes?
Horatio: There aren’t any more words to describe him!
Hamlet: About him.
Orsic: I know you aren’t ignorant-
Hamlet: I wish you did, but if you did, you wouldn’t give me that much credit, would you?
Orsic: You don’t know Laertes’ excellence-
Hamlet: I would never admit that.
Orsic: I mean excellence with his weapon. He has no equal according to his followers.
Hamlet: What is his weapon?
Orsic: Rapier and dagger.
Hamlet: That’s two weapons, but still…
Orsic: The King has wagered six horses and Laertes has staked six rapiers and daggers. Three
carriages are very nice.

Hamlet: What are the carriages that you are talking about?
Horatio: I knew you would need footnotes in the end!
Orsic: The straps.
Hamlet: The word would be appropriate if we were mounting cannons to our sides. There’s a
French bet against a Danish. Why is it ‘staked’?

Orsic: The King has wagered that in a dozen bouts that Laertes will not score three higher than
you. Laertes wagered he will score nine hits out of twelve. If you answer now he will do it now.

Hamlet: What if I answer ‘no’?

Orsic: I mean, ’accept the challenge’.
Hamlet: I’m going to take a walk down this hall. It is my exercise time. If he is still up to it when I
am finished, I’ll play for the king. I have nothing to lose but my own shame.

Orsic: Shall I tell this to the king?

Hamlet: Tell him whatever that comes naturally.
Orsic: Okay. Thank you.
Hamlet: Sure. He recommends himself well. Nobody would do it for him.
Orsic: This bird flies off with his shell still stuck to his head.
Hamlet: He observed proper courtesy before he sucked from his mother’s nipple. You put him
to a real test, and his bubble would burst.

Lord: The king wants to know if you will compete with Laertes now.
Hamlet: I am ready now.
Lord: Everyone are on their way down.
Hamlet: Well timed.
Lord: The queen would like for you to show some politeness before you fight Laertes.
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Hamlet: I will.
Horatio: You will lose.
Hamlet: I don’t think so. Ever since he was in France, I have been in continual practice. I will
win.
Horatio: But-
Hamlet: It’s silly: the things that upset a woman.
Horatio: If you suspect that there is something wrong, I can stop them and you tell them that
you are sick.

Hamlet: Nope. If death comes now, it won’t come in the future. If not in the future, then now.
You should always be prepared. Since no man knows what he will be missing, then there’s
nothing to lose.

King: Come here, Hamlet, and take Laertes’ hand.

Hamlet: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I am mad and you must respect that.
Laertes: I accept your apology, but I will avenge my father’s death.
Hamlet: I welcome it. I challenge you. Bring us the foils.
Laertes: Give me one.
Hamlet: I’ll be your foil, Laertes. My clumsiness will make your skill look like a bright star in the
darkest night!

Laertes: You are mocking me.

Hamlet: No, I’m not.
King: Give them the foils, Orsic. Hamlet, do you know the wager?
Hamlet: Yes.
King: I have watched you both, and since Laertes has better form, he has a handicap.
Laertes: This one is too heavy. Give me another.
Hamlet: I like this one. Are the foils  all the same length?
Orsic: Yes.
King: Put the wine on that table. If Hamlet wins the first two bout or draws the third, fire the
cannons. The King will drink to Hamlet’s success, and he’ll drop a pearl worth more than all the
pearls on the last four kings of Denmark. Bring me the cups! Judges, keep a watchful eye.

Hamlet: Come on.

Laertes: Come on.
Hamlet: One!
Laertes: No!
Hamlet: A ruling!
Orsic: A sure hit.
Laertes: Again.
King: Hold. Give me a drink. Hamlet, this pearl is yours! To your health! Give him the cup.
Hamlet: I’ll play this bout first. Set it down for a second. Come. Another hit. Correct?
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Laertes: A touch, nothing more.

King: Our son will win!
Queen: He’s not the fittest, and looks out of breath. Here, Hamlet: take my handkerchief and
wipe your face. The Queen drinks to your good fortune, Hamlet!

King: Gertrude, do not drink!

Queen: I will.
King: It’s too late! She drank!
Hamlet: I won’t drink yet.
Queen: Let me wipe your face.
Laertes: I will hit him now.
King: I don’t think so.
Laertes: I want to so bad!
Hamlet: We’ll go for the third bout. Swing with all your might. I think you are teasing me.
Laertes: Really? Let’s go!
Orsic: Draw.
Laertes: I’ll get you now!
King: Separate them!
Hamlet: Right, come!
Orsic: Stop the fight! Look at the queen!
Horatio: Both of you are bleeding. How are you?
Orsic: How are you, Laertes?
Laertes: I have just killed myself.
Hamlet: What is the matter with the queen?
King: She falls because she sees blood.
Queen: No, no! The  drink! I’ve been poisoned!
Hamlet: Treachery! Lock the doors! We must find it!
Laertes: Right here, Hamlet. You’re doomed and so am I. You have less than a half hour to live.
The king is to blame!

Hamlet: The point poisoned too? Do your work, venom!

All: Treason!
King: You must defend me! I am only wounded.
Hamlet: Is this your drink? Finish it and join my mother!

Laertes: Swap forgiveness with me, Hamlet, and we will both be forgiven for the deaths we
have caused.

Hamlet: I am a dead man, Horatio! Good bye, queen!  I am as good as dead! You are living. Only
give the account of me and my motives to those who don’t know the full story.
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Horatio: You better not believe it. There’s more ancient Roman on me than Dane. There’s still
some of the drink left.
Hamlet: Give me the cup! Let go! What a bad name I would leave behind if the whole story
wasn’t told! If you ever loved me, don’t commit suicide. Suffer the harsh world to tell my story.
What is that warlike noise?

Orsic: Young Fortinbras has returned from his conquest from Poland.
Hamlet: I’m dying! I give all of this to Fortinbras and elect him king. Tell him so, with the general
details that have persuaded me to- The rest is silence…

Horatio: There ends a noble life. Good bye, fair prince: may angels sing as a choir to rest you.
Why do they come this way?
Fortinbras: Where is this sight?
Horatio: What do you want to see? If it is sorrowful, then look no further.
Fortinbras: Death, what are you preparing in your eternal cell? Why have you claimed so many
nobles at once?

First Ambassador: The sight is terrible, and our news is too late. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
are dead as ordered. Who do we give thanks to?

Horatio: Not from him, even if it could. All of this death is because of accidents, respect, and the
backfire of one’s plan to kill another.

Fortinbras: Let us hear it now. I have ownership of this and now is the best time to claim it.
Horatio: You are the new king. Let’s have the ceremony now before anything else will happen.

Fortinbras: Four captains will take Hamlet like a soldier to the platform. If would have lived to
be king, he would have truly been royal. Raise the bodies. This is not the appropriate place for
all of these bodies; it looks like a battlefield. Go: order the soldiers to shoot.

THE END