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Bard Texts22
Bard Texts22
• You fight with all the skill of a trained ape, without the
training.
• The only foe you've dropped is my expectations.
• You must have worked hard to be this incompetent.
• I'd call you a complete moron but I think you're missing
a few screws.
• You need a breath freshener. Try Alchemist's fire.
• Nono. The goal is to HIT the target.
• You have so many weapons, yet so little skill.
• I've seen fungi with more charm.
• You fight with the grace of a cow.
• Your swordsmanship is truly without equal.
• If I could save a child's life by sparing you I'd have to
think about it.
• I wish we were better strangers.
• You aren't pretty enough to be this stupid.
• You look like you lost a fight with a rake.
• I'd say you're dumb as a rock, but rocks offer better
conversation.
• Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
elderberries.
• Well you found your life's purpose: A warning to others.
• Believe in yourself, because no one else does.
• If nothing else you're consistent.
You couldn't hit the broad side of your mother's ass.
• You've got a face not even a mother could love.
• I'm going to kill you out of mercy.
• What do you brush your teeth with a hammer?
• I can see your training paid off. You've gone from a
worthless sack of crap to a two-bit sack of crap.
• You're not half the man your mother is.
• You're not half the woman your father is.
• How about you play a nice game of hide and go fuck
yourself.
• I'd shoot you but I wouldn't wish that on any arrow.
• You're why parents beat their children.
• You look like your face was on fire and someone tried
to put it out with an ice pick.
• You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting
your hair down you let your everyone else down.
• We all make mistakes. I'm sure your parents are good
people.
• You're not the worst swordsman/archer/sorcerer in the
world, but you'd better hope he doesn't die.
• Your parents should've known better.
• You make an excellent target. It must run in the family.
• If you were any more inbred you'd be a sandwich.
• So does failure run in your family?
• So what flew faster? Your arrows, or your family
leaving you?
• Your mouth looks like a grick's asshole.
• My bolts avoid you just like everyone else in your life.
• Well, at least you have your looks.
• You've inspired so many people to violence.
• You're about as useful as nipples on a breastplate.
• When you were young your home tried to run away
from you.
• Aw, did someone leave your cage open?
• When you played hide and seek as a kid no one looked
for you.
• Two wrongs don't make a right. Ask your parents.
• I wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy.
• Hey, even gods make mistakes.
• I don't want to hurt you. I just want you not to be alive
anymore.
• You must've been born drunk.
• You know, you'd look great in a casket.
• You're like the plague except a plague can kill.
• After seeing your face I'm considering taking up
drinking.
• I'd rather have died a hero than lived long enough to see
your sorry ass.
• You're what happens when God rolls a 1.
• If a princess kisses you will you stop being a bitch?
• If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your
hair!
• I'm going to write a ballad about this fight. Please tell
me your name rhymes with "horribly slaughtered"?
• If you think I'm funny, wait until my friend with the
mace starts his "knock knock" routine!
• Your spells are as bad as your breath!
• Your fighting stance reminds me of an unfolded lawn
chair!
• Is that the best you've got, or are you hoping I'll start
laughing and drop my guard?
• I think you owe the blacksmith who made your weapon
an apology!
• You couldn't fight a fire elemental if you were
underwater!
• You're lucky you were born beautiful... Unlike me, I
was born a huge fucking liar!
• Is that a breath weapon? Or do you not own a
toothbrush?
• I've met sharper loaves of bread!
• If we were assaulted by mindflayers, I think you'd be
OK!
• Your mother is so fat, she has a face on the back of her
neck that bites back at vampires!
• Your mother is so ugly, she has a collection of medusa
statues!
• What language is that? Because it sounds like bullshit
to me!
• You're lucky I have respect for the dead, because you're
finally about to get some respect!
• I don't have the time or the crayons to explain why you
shouldn't mess with us!
• You look like something I drew with my left hand!
• It must be difficult to run out of vocabulary mid-
sentence!
• I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to
pronounce!
• Your head is so far up your own ass, you could chew
your food twice!
• You dress like a donkey fucked a pinata and threw up!
• (On getting stabbed) Are you going to want this back,
or can I keep it?