How to be more assertive at work

Passive behavior can stop you from getting ahead in your career. What to watch out for, and how to be more assertive in the
workplace.

Beat brown bag boredom 10 career damaging mistakes Viagra for the brain
Your boss wants you to work late again -- but you can't say no. Your team members don't listen to your ideas. You're shy
about making suggestions or speaking up in meetings, or you're letting things slide because you want to avoid an argument.
You want people to like you -- and you want to keep your job no matter what the cost.
Sound familiar? Few people want to be "the bad guy" or to "rock the boat" (especially in a rough economy) but that instinct
can be more harmful than helpful. Experts warn that passive behavior -- where you constantly put aside your own needs,
rights and opinions -- can actually have a negative impact on your career.
The mistakes we make
Isn't it better to "play along" or be "easy-going"? No -- because we're often trading short-term rewards for long-term problems.
For example, passive workers often think they're doing the right thing when they make these mistakes:
- Avoiding confrontation. You're dodging stressful conflicts with a co-worker, but ultimately your long-term relationship with
that person suffers for a want of good communication. If you're the one in charge of others, your workers may take advantage
of the situation and your boss may think you lack strong leadership skills.
- Holding back your opinions (especially ones that contradict someone else's). You think you're keeping the peace by "going
with the group", but you're actually sending the message that your opinions don't matter, you don't have anything to
contribute or you lack confidence. In any case, you're losing the chance to demonstrate your skills and expertise while others
have an opportunity to shine.
- Always agreeing. You want to be agreeable and known as the "nice guy", but you could be losing people's respect because
they know you're not being straightforward. Your "yes" doesn't hold much weight because you're always saying it, and people
will wonder what you aren't telling them.
- Covering for others. Making up for other people's less-than-stellar work only reinforces the idea that what they're doing is
acceptable. For example, if you re-write coworkers' reports rather than addressing the workmanship, they'll go on thinking
nothing is wrong and they won't learn anything.
- Not saying no to extra work. Taking on extra projects when you're plate is already full and staying late may make you look
good at work, but what about outside the office? Your family and friends -- as well as your boss -- will quickly learn that work
is your number one priority and they'll act accordingly.
Worse yet, people aren't happy being passive. All of that resentment, anger and stress is going to build up over time, and
workers lose satisfaction in their jobs and start to feel like victims. When emotions come to a boiling point, some people will
lash out at co-workers for seemingly no reason, and others will get revenge through passive-aggressive behaviour (like not
completing tasks they don't want to do). Employers and coworkers don't know what's behind these actions; all they see is
behaviour that makes their co-worker appear emotional and unreliable.
Not to mention the toll the stress will take on health. Headaches, fatigue and upset stomachs are just a start -- stress plays a
major role in serious illness like heart disease and stroke too. Taking a vacation and trying to "leave the office at the office"
can provide some respite, but they don't address the stress we feel while we're at work.
In short, being passive isn't going to make you a happier, healthier employee or put you in line for a promotion. So what's the
solution? Experts advise it's time to brush up on workplace social skills.
Assertive behavior -- what is it?
If you think being more aggressive is the answer to passivity, you could trade being the office pushover for being the office
bully. People who practice aggressive behaviors are seen as needing to dominate and get ahead at the expense of others,
and they come across as manipulative, selfish and always needing to be in control. The Golden Rule applies to the workplace
as well -- treat others as you want to be treated.
Experts therefore recommend aiming for the "middle ground" between passiveness and aggressiveness: Assertiveness. You
respect the rights, feelings and opinions of other people while showing yourself the same courtesy. You communicate clearly
and effectively with others, and you're willing to work on resolving issues rather than avoiding them. The focus is on the win-
win scenario -- both parties are happy and no one dominates or bullies.
It's not easy to break old habits, but there are many benefits to make it worth your while -- like stronger, more honest
relationships, less stress, more respect and increased job satisfaction. Best of all: you're strengthening your interpersonal and
leadership skills -- both of which are attractive to employers.
9 tips for being more assertive
Sounds appealing, but where can you start? Here are some tips from the MayoClinic.com and WebMD:
Assess your current behavior. Do you speak up in meetings? Do you avoid certain people? Are you taking on more work than
you can handle? What situations or relationships do you want to improve? Experts note that identifying areas for
improvement is a good place to start. (Find out how assertive you are with About.com's Quiz.)
Use "I" statements. Sentences that start with "I" (like "I think" and "I want") show listeners that you're open to other points of
view. It's subtle, but such statements come across as expressing your opinion rather than stating an absolute fact or making
an accusation. On the contrary, saying things like "you're wrong" rather than "I disagree" is more likely to be met with a
negative reaction.
Learn to say no. If you find the "y word" on the tip of your tongue, give yourself a moment to think before responding. Buy
some time by saying you'll think about it, or you have to check your schedule first (but make sure you follow up on these
replies). If you don't want to say no to an important project, ask your boss if you can shift your priorities and deadlines to
accommodate the new work. (See The art of no for more tips)
Leave emotions out of it. Being angry or upset can get in the way of good communication -- that's why experts recommend
waiting until you've cooled off before having difficult conversations (if possible). Try to keep your voice firm, your breathing
even and remain calm.
Practice makes perfect. How you say something is as important as what you say. Practicing allows you to clarify your thinking
and work on clear communication. Write it down, practice in front of a mirror or rehearse in front of a friend to get some
feedback.
Get your body into it. Your voice isn't the only thing that's speaking -- body language is just as important. Good posture,
maintaining eye contact and a positive facial expression can help you show confidence, even if you're not feeling it.
Seek clarification. Reacting to what you believe others are thinking can lead to misunderstandings. Assertiveness works both
ways -- so encourage others to be direct with you by asking what they mean or to clarifying a point.
Be coachable. Don't silently stew about any criticism that comes your way or take it personally. Show that you're open to
feedback and eager to learn from it. If your boss or client doesn't like something, find out why so you can improve.
And if you're willing to "take your lumps", then others will be more receptive to what you have to say as well.
Train up. If you want some serious help, take a course or seminar in assertiveness training.
Overall, don't expect changes to happen overnight. Breaking established habits is going to take some time and practice. Start
small, and practice good communication in settings that aren't so risky, like with a friend or family member before moving on
to work. Assertiveness works well for all relationships, and it can even help you get ahead at work.

Reach your goal: 5 habits to drop, 3 to start

Don't let bad habits keep you from reaching your goal.

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By midlife, we've all accomplished goals in our life - over and over. So why is it that each goal can still loom large on our "to
do - someday" list? Here are 5 habits that may be holding you back - and 3 habits to adopt.

Bad habit #1: Talking too much  

Do all your girlfriends know you want to go scuba diving, and where you plan to start - but you keep missing the deadline to
sign up for the classes? Or have you spent more time talking about the business you're going to start than you have doing
market research? Talking about our goals can be a great way to gain support - but it can also trick us into thinking we've done
something. Make sure you're doing more than talking. (If you thought we meant gossip, here's how to stop that too.)
Bad habit #2: Saying yes too often
In order to reach your own goals, sometimes you have to let go of others'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an
engaged member of your family and community, but if you reach the end of every week having helped everyone else but you,
it might be time to carve some time out. Stock phrase: "I'd love to, but I have a lot of other commitments this month."
Bad habit #3: Negative thinking
You don't have to be a devotee of The Secret to understand that too many "what-if" scenarios can stop you from taking
action. These can be frivolous ("what if I show up at ballet class and everyone laughs?") or way, way more serious ("what if I
die in the climb to Mt. Kilimanjaro?"). And it is important to evaluate risk. But once you have - move on. The truth is, once you
start moving towards your goal, it will be a different experience than you have in your mind - both good and bad. Don't
imagine your roadblocks - go out and see where they really are (and then climb over them!)
Bad habit #4: Keeping goals vague - and in the future
At work it's likely most of us have encountered the need for goals to be specific. And yet, in our personal lives we often set
goals like "get fit," "write a memoir," or "start a business."  To really succeed we need to narrow those dreams down - even
narrow our view to today. "Today I'm going to walk for 30 minutes. By the end of the month I will have exercised 9 times" -
"Today I'm going to write for 20 minutes." - "Today I'm going to make an inventory of my skills and passions."
Bad habit #5: Failure to start
Planning and research are great - but they won't get you anywhere. Stop looking for the perfect time, the perfect angle, or the
perfect contact - and lace up your shoes and get out the door.
But no fear, here are 3 habits we can all inculcate to achieve those goals.
Great habit #1: Be willing to fail
In order a reach a goal you probably will have to step out of your comfort zone.   While there might well be risks you don't
want to take - like losing your life savings - others will come with the territory. At midlife we can be a little too used to being
the knowledgeable person in charge - and fear embarrassment, uncertainty, or revealing our weaknesses.  Take a deep
breath, admit that you too are human, and go for it.
Great habit #2: Set mini-goals you can accomplish, and celebrate them
It's not usually the big steps that stop us from reaching our goals - it's the next steps. "Become a musician" is way too vague
and "have a viral YouTube hit" is not always something you can control. But "finish my first song and perform it for friends at
our annual holiday open house" is more doable. Make sure you take the time to both hold yourself accountable for and
appreciate the small steps along the way. 
Great habit #3: Seek and take advice
Although we cautioned you about the danger of talking too much, there's also a danger in talking too little. You don't have to
accomplish every step of your goal in a ruggedly individualistic manner. Seek out mentors and supporters and let them help
you define measure and achieve success. How did your super-athletic friend get started on a cycling programme, or what did
it take for your sister-in-law to sell her first illustration? Go ahead and ask.

What's your perfect job?

Try this daydreaming exercise to find the right career path for you.

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If you've got half a brain, you'll find those "What Type of Job Is Right for Me?" quizzes on the web about as useful as your
weekly horoscope. How you really feel about sharing a four-by-six-foot space with a hygienically challenged, socially stunted
coworker usually has zilch to do with the meager multiple-choice options these tests offer. Yes, you may get affirmation that
you like to help people, work with power tools, or swing from a trapeze, but you'll still need to research and test-drive any new
career you're thinking of pursuing.

"'What are your values?' seems to me a much more important question," says peer counsellor Kirsten Johnson. If your
interests or values are still a little hazy after working through this chapter, chew on these questions awhile, and I suspect
those values will start to crystallize in no time. To illustrate, I've offered up my own (wildly embarrassing) answers.
1. What's on your nightstand? What books and magazines you're reading can be pretty telling about what turns your
crank.
(As an example, my nightstand's brimming with issues of The Bark, my favourite dog magazine; Swivel, a literary journal of
women's humour writing; and whatever book about tortured adolescence I'm currently reading -- at the moment, The Liars'
Club -- all of which could lead one to speculate that I'm a witty dog owner with a fair amount of baggage. Perhaps, though,
your nightstand runneth over with a couple dozen issues of National Geographic and Shutterbug, in which case I'd wager that
you're a travel-photography buff.)
2. Out of all your friends' jobs, which one are you most jealous of? Why?
(I'm most jealous of the dog-walkers I know. They spend their days getting the blood pumping, getting muddy, and interacting
with colleagues who are always happy to see them. What's not to love?)
3. What's the one thing you've been talking about doing forever that your friends are sick of hearing about?
(Guess. If stumped, see above.)
4. What's the one off-the-wall, pie-in-the-sky job you've always wanted to try that no one knows about?
(I have this fantasy where I get hired to work as a personal assistant to a lavishly wealthy person. I swear. Maybe some
Hollywood debutante with a $13 million estate overlooking the Pacific who just keeps me around so I can run her errands,
schedule her spa appointments, and weigh in on how great her emaciated butt looks in her new $350 jeans.)
5. If you could start any business or organization, or sell any service or ware, what would it be?
(Um, books?)
6. If you could work anywhere in the world, in any country or organization, where would it be? Doing what?
(Writing, in some ancient European farmhouse. With a personal chef on hand. And a hot tub out back.)
7. If "debt," "years," and "practical" weren't words in your vocabulary, what would you be doing now -- besides
sipping margaritas on your own tropical island?
(This.)
Obviously, some of my "values" (personal chef? hot tub? hello?) won't point me toward any moneymaking ventures anytime
soon, but there's some useful information in here: For starters, if this writing thing doesn't pan out, I may want to look into
working with dogs, since apparently I think about them morning, noon and night. What's more, I may want to explore what
being a personal assistant actually entails, since I have evidently romanticized that career choice to the hilt. And finally --
thank God for small miracles -- I'm happy in my current incarnation as a writer.
You get the idea. Now see where this little daydreaming exercise takes you.

Great tips for making more money

Learn some easy ways to earn money outside of the office.

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Now that you've maximized your job earnings, it's time to think about boosting your earnings outside the office.
There are so many ways to make more money without making a lot more effort, just by thinking creatively. Here
are a few Smart Cookie tips to get you started:

• Clean out your closets. Rather than throwing your used clothes away, why not find them a new home, where they
will continue to be loved? Smart Cookies clear out their closets on a regular basis and often sell the shoes and
clothing items at a consignment store, on eBay, or on craigslist.org. One of the Smart Cookies makes about $300 at
the end of each season and puts that toward new clothes. Katie sold her wedding dress for $800 on craigslist.org.
You can do the same with clothes — or toys — your baby has outgrown. Some grow so fast that they never even
get a chance to wear all the outfits that their parents bought or received as gifts, and a toy may hardly be used if the
baby isn't interested. Another possibility? Donate the clothes or toys to charity and keep the receipt. You can write
off the value of your donation when you do your taxes the next year and feel good about helping out those who are
less fortunate.

• Clear out the clutter. Here’s an incentive to clean up your home: You can get rid of your junk and make money by
having a yard (or a garage) sale. Team up with friends, family members, or neighbors and combine your stuff.
Then you'll have extra help running the sale and extra inventory to attract more buyers. And who knows? You
might end up swapping items with your friends or neighbors.

• Sell stock photos. If people regularly ooh and aah over your Flickr pictures, maybe you’re destined for
photographic greatness — or at least a few extra dollars. It’s easier than ever to get your photos out in front of the
public. There's a lot of competition, but there's also a lot of demand. Marketing stock photos can be a convenient
way for you to build up a secondary income stream. Try Fotolia.com, Dreamstime.com, Shutterstock.com, and
Bigstockphoto.com to upload and market your photos.

What to do with an inheritance

Experts offer clear-sighted advice on the dos and don'ts of an inheritance.
This story was originally titled "Sudden Wealth: Inheritance Dos and Don'ts" in the November 2008 issue.
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Her voice soft with sadness, Ann McLeod* doesn't sound like someone who's expecting a cheque for more than
$50,000. But then, the 40-year-old Toronto woman didn't win the lottery, sell a condo or hit the jackpot on the
stock market. The money is an inheritance from her father, a twinkly-eyed physician with a kind heart and a quirky
sense of humour. The windfall will be quite the opposite of mad money for Ann. To her, it's a strange  privilege,
and a gift with heartstrings firmly attached.

"You cannot separate emotions from it," confides Ann, a single woman who moved from the East Coast to Toronto
not long after her father died last year. "I just wouldn't want to dishonour lots of hard work by spending
frivolously. It's a feeling of added responsibility. I mean, Dad worked his guts out for 40 years. I don't want to
screw it up."

The amount of money passing between generations of Canadians is expected to grow at an unprecedented rate. A
2007 report on inheritance from Decima Research says  Canada's frugal seniors and affluent baby boomers will
leave nearly a trillion dollars to their offspring in the years to come. And while the average inheritance in Canada is
$56,000, Decima predicts the figure will swell to about $300,000 in cash, real estate and other valuables. The state
of estates is in a fascinating flux.

After the windfall

The bittersweet bonanza leaves many heirs bewildered by the tax implications and wondering what to do when
the inheritance cheque lands in their hands. "That can be very dangerous," says Ann. "Because there are a lot of
people in this world who might go out and blow the whole thing in a week, and that's not appropriate."

Financial experts agree. Unless you're well-heeled to begin with, flushing the funds into trips to Las Vegas, sexy
cars and plush home theatres probably isn't the smart way to go. It's best, they say, to take a breath.

"Some people are actually quite frozen when they receive an inheritance from someone close to them. They almost
feel the person in it," explains Sandra Foster, author of You Can't Take It with You: Common-Sense Estate
Planning for Canadians (Wiley, 2006, $27.95). "My feeling is when you receive money, put it somewhere safe
that earns a good guaranteed rate of interest for a few months while you think things through. Don't do anything
rash."