Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 1

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 2

Family systems are evolving around the world; growing population who are struggling

with singlehood and in some cases remaining unmarried through their lifespan or after divorce or

spousal´s death found themselves singles again (Byrne, 2009; Gail & Moon, 1997; Goldstein &

Kenney 2001; Vogel, 2003; Waehler, 1995; Zang, Hannum & Wang, 2008). People who remain

unmarried or become single-again are inside a complex space between the societal norms and

their inner experience; they find difficulties along their lives as ambiguity and role confusion and

in some cases develop mental health related problems as anxiety and depression.

In Erikson's theory, the resolution of each developmental crisis depends on the interaction

between the individual's characteristics and whatever support is provided by the social

environment (Berger, 2003, pg.41). Nevertheless, there are also singles that can go on their lives

not only with good psychological health but empowering the lives of others and thrive on many

areas of their lives.

Across cultures and genders, it seems to be a long-term trend towards a diversity of

family form, as well as increasing mobility between families and family forms. Family pathways

are becoming more complex, but the dominant pattern continues to center on the nuclear family

(Vogel, 2003). The percentage of women and men who are remaining unmarried have been

increasing during the last decades, there are many possible explanations, but one aspect of global

importance could be fast changes on economic patterns across de globe.

In the Europe Union, the Nordic countries and the Netherlands display much higher rates

of singlehood than their southern counterpart. The larger Nordic female employment rates

provide the necessary economic resources to choose a live without a husband, to stay single or to

separate when to the marriage or consensual union does not work (Vogel, 2003). Under these
Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 3

circumstances, it is possible to think that marriage itself is increasingly optional for Nordic

countries of Europe Union as well for other parts of the world.

According to Erikson, the stage of intimacy versus isolation results in the start of a

satisfying marriage. For others it means making a deep commitment to a religious group or

political ideology. For still other particularly for young adults in the twenty-first century in

modern societies it entails years of isolation, loneliness, and fear of closeness (Berger, 2003

pg.41). From my perspective, it seems nowadays the actual trend is that healthy single adults

want to be productive through vocation instead child rearing, this is based on the economic

ground of their country. Also, single adults could be building an economic basis (bank savings,

home mortgages) for their future spouse and children in these difficult days. Also, without such

productive work, adults stop developing and growing in all aspects of life (Berger, 2003 pg.512).

Another example are the rates of singlehood among young adults that have been rising in

China since the mid-eighties probably as women progressively choose to place career goals in

advance. For young adults in china family formation appears to be a critical part of gender

differences in employment and income; gaps are concentrated among married women and

women with children, whereas there are no gender differences in employment and income

among single people (Zang, Hannum & Wang, 2008).

In United States, economic factors play a significant role, affecting the patterns of

marriage among African Americans. Allen and Olson (2001) found the availability of mates is

affected by numerical imbalances in the sex ratio and by economic viability, particularly as it

relates to men's ability to provide for their families.

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 4

Other factors were bad attitude and low expectations of marriage among young adults, as

they believe that will end in divorce. Several researchers believe that low marital rates are the

result of lower desire to marry, particularly among African American men; negative expectations

about marriage are also thought to play a greater role in the decline of African American

marriages (Allen & Olson, 2001). This is reinforced by high divorce rates, and unrelieved by

traditional cultural assumptions (Berger, 2003 pg.41).

Education plays an important role on singlehood and the never-married cohorts.

Goldstein and Kenney (2001) found marriage is least common among women with the highest

levels of education, a tendency that holds for blacks and whites and across time periods.

However, over time, the difference in marriage patterns by education has narrowed in the most

recent cohorts, and women who are college graduates are more likely to ever marry than less

educated women.

On the other hand, there are advantages for people who marriage with college graduates

providing their children with a threefold advantage: a highly educated mother, a higher

likelihood of being born within a marriage, and a father who is likely to be highly educated

(Goldstein & Kenney, 2001).

Another important factor is gender and plays an important role for the unmarried and

single again people, these differences are related to the needs of attachment and intimacy as well

as their behavioral intensity. Rucker (1993) suggested that needs for attachment in general and

needs for intimate ties in specific are expressed more overtly and perhaps are more salient in

women than in men. While many divorced, single or widow women are considered unmarried,

they have different emotional processes behind their unique situation. One divorced woman
Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 5

contrasted her experience of being in an ungratifying marriage with being single as feeling "out

in the rain, but when you're married, you have a raincoat" (Rucker, 1993). The emotional

situation is different; the divorced cohort has shown she can establish a relationship. Pudrovska,

Schieman, and Carr, (2006) found divorce may signify an unexpected and undesired transition to

singlehood and perhaps be an indicator of a conflicted marriage and the belief that one

inadequately fulfilled the wife role. Moreover, Gail and Moon (1997) divorced women expressed

little ambivalence about being single-again; this may have been because they were contrasting

their single life with their previous unhappy marriage. Whereas always single

women contemplate this situation as a “failure”, Gail and Moon described the outcomes as

unresolved or unrecognized ambivalences about being single for the never-married women. In

contrast, Pudrovska, Schieman, and Carr explained widowed women have fulfilled the societal

expectation that they will marry and remain married until “death do us part”. According to

Erikson, the eighth and final stage of his theory of development is integrity versus despair, when

older adults seek to integrate and unify their unique personal experiences with their vision of

their community (Beger, 2003, pg.677).

Although the causes of singlehood are many and can range from fear to commitment to

be a personal decision, the reality is that there are many ways of being single, many people have

suffered this stage and other instead appreciates it. Gail and Moon (1997) found that these groups

always-singles and the singles-again, felt that there were advantages to being single. The

advantages can be generalized as freedom from caretaking a man; freedom for doing what they

want, when they want, how they want; and freedom from having to answer to others in terms of

time, decisions, and behaviors.

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 6

Furthermore, feelings of loneliness are considerable harder to maneuver. The most

frequently mentioned drawbacks to not being married or remarried were the absence of being

special to a man, the absence of touch, the absence of children, the lack of ready companionship

and someone for sharing interests and sadness about growing old alone (Gail & Moon, 1997).

Although content with being single, many women simultaneously experience feelings of

loss and grief (Gail & Moon, 1997). Consequently, remaining single may entail more

psychological costs and stressful experiences for women than for men of older cohorts because

lifelong singlehood represents a failure to achieve the highest goal to which women should aspire

(Pudrovska, Schieman, & Carr, 2006).

Rucker (1993) explained that in a therapeutic situation, loneliness often is obscured by

other expressed concerns and is not considered a viable reason to enter psychotherapy. Lonely

feelings are often disguised as depression or anxiety. Therapists need to consider many possible

explanations for a single woman's depression. There are several possible explanations for how

depression can be related to singleness. The depression might also be related to her sense of

failure at an important job (finding a man), also might be related to a woman's attempted solution

to her singleness (Gail & Moon, 1997).

Gail and Moon (1997) explained that singlehood can be experienced as an ambiguous

loss, for at no point do women know for sure if they will marry in the future. As long as there is

hope of marriage, there is the pain of the ambiguity. As one woman said, "If I knew for sure I

would never meet a man, I could get on with my life. Without that, it becomes my life."

As mentioned before, singles that have not completed the stage intimacy versus isolation;

the powerful drive to share one's personal life with someone else, a drive that, if unfulfilled,

carries the risk of profound aloneness (Beger, 2003, pg. 511). However, singles are prone to
Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 7

move to the seventh stage described by Erikson is generativity versus stagnation, when the

person needs to be productive in some meaningful way, usually through work or parenthood.

Without a sense of generativity, said Erikson, life is empty and purposeless, and adults

are filled with "a pervading sense of stagnation and personal impoverishment" (Beger, 2003, pg.

512). Single people generativity is seen as a healthy mechanism to go ahead in their lives and be

congruent with their purpose of life.

The social belief was that men would not marry or be linked with a partner in a stable

manner for fear of losing their freedom. However, some men remain unmarried because they like

to be alone as could happen contrary to those who need to be married to have company. The

problems that never-married men encounter range from practical like find jobs, get a place to live

and be fully responsible for themselves to intangibles like asking to themselves where they fit

into the social world. The avoidance and isolation of affect these men exhibit work in concert

with the high value these men place on personal independence and self-reliance. This process of

limiting the experience of emotion connected to certain events was also evident in both

intrapsychic and interpersonal activity (Waehler, 1995).

Waehler (1995) found three personality styles in never-married men in the therapeutic

context. The rigid man's low need for relationships does not strain his limited abilities to relate

intimately. This cohort enjoys full solitude sorted and marked by its own guidelines. They almost

religiously defend the need for solitude and avoid anyone who hinders the established order. The

flexible man adeptly applied his interpersonal skills to meet his needs most of the time. Here is a

wide variety, are those who value their freedom and adventure, to those who go from one

relation to another, with a sexual freedom that they are unwilling to leave by a partner. If men
Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 8

from either of these groups did seek services, it would be because they had temporarily had their

feelings tested in the context of a relationship (Waehler, 1995).

The flexible men sought independence from the people around them more for personal

goals rather than as a retreat from others. We can say that this group would be most happy

among the unmarried men cohort, choosing to stay single and happy with their decision. Also,

flexible men are socially active and spend a lot of energy consumed by the family and the couple

on work and other social activities. They were filled with confidence regarding themselves and

their abilities. Families of origin appeared to be the base for their relative sense of confidence

and positive self-opinion. The flexible men described their families as having been positive,

loving, stable, and secure (Waehler, 1995).

Conflicted and dissatisfied men were disappointed with the limitations that practicing

avoidance and isolation of affect placed on their relations with others. The conflicted relational

patterns did not succeed in warding off anxiety, led to ambivalent behaviors, and did not

maintain these men at the level of functioning they wished (Waehler, 1995). This cohort are

those who live alone as a disease that haunts and do not let them be happy. These people

generally have low self-esteem, leading them to believe that singlehood is unfair affecting their

lives. Relationships aroused fears of making a major, uncorrectable mistake for these men,

finding hard to relate to the opposite sex and prefer the security of singlehood to stay out of

embarrassment of not being accepted as they are. According to Waehler (1995), the conflicted

man is more likely to seek psychological services. His need arises from his ongoing struggle with

his desire for interpersonal connection competing with the security he feels in being independent.
Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 9

Therapists need to pay particular attention to therapy's pace and structure to guard against

being perceived as encroaching on the client's autonomy (Waehler, 1995). Some want the

freedom to try new experiences and do not want to restrict this freedom by assuming the

emotional and financial obligations of marriage. As single people do not need to consider how

their actions affect the spouses and children, they are freer to take risks, economic and physical,

and decide more easily, wander the country or the world, taking risks on new kinds of work,

advance their education or participate in creative activities. Attention to these individual nuances

will facilitate developing a therapeutic relationship which is productive and constructive for

never-married male clients (Waehler, 1995).

One task of therapy for a never-married man will likely focus on his confusion about his

conflicted feelings regarding being a partner versus being single (Waehler, 1995). As previously

noted, this is like the unresolved or unrecognized ambivalences about being single for the never-

married woman (Gail & Moon, 1997).

Pudrovska, Schieman, and Carr, (2006) research was focus on tensions of singlehood on

older cohorts of never married, divorced, and widowed people. Divorced and widowed persons

reported higher single strain than never-married persons, although the magnitude of these effects

varied considerably by race and gender. Never-married White women reported higher levels of

single strain than their male counterparts. White widows and widowers exhibited higher single

strain than widowed Black adults. Black women uniformly fared better than White women,

whereas divorced and never-married Black men were not different from their White peers in

terms of single strain.

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 10

Based on the studies mentioned before, unmarried people have very different experiences

and expectations around singlehood, based on their age, gender, race, ethnicity and economic

factors. If racial and ethnic differences in household structure reflect cultural traditions that

emphasize kin solidarity and intergenerational ties, we also might expect to see racial and ethnic

differences in the ways various household structures affect health (Hughes & Waite, 2002).

Hughes and Waite (2002) suggest household structure is important beyond marital status

that in certain circumstances marriage does not protect health, that singlehood does not diminish

health, and that gender differentiates these effects.

In terms of mental health and psychological resources, Bookwala and Fekete (2009)

found that never-married people over forty are not psychologically at a disadvantage and have

the same resources to meet their daily lives. Never-married adults, for the most part, have similar

levels of psychological resources relative to married adults. Specifically, among never-married

adults, higher levels of personal mastery and self-sufficiency are associated with significantly

lower levels of negative affect.

Moreover, another important aspect is the elevated rates of poor mental health that persist

among divorced people attributable to the event and factors associated with the event. However,

prior chronic mental health problems predict a higher likelihood of current marital disruption

(Wade & Pevalin, 2004). Consequently, mental health of the future single-again will not be

based solely on their singlehood status, but on the condition, they have been suffering on prior

stages of life. It does not matter whether or not people choose to live single. What is important is

the refinement of self-interest and to be aware of concerns and motivations to go through their

singlehood like an interesting opportunity for self-development.

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 11

According to Sorum (1991), The Holy Spirit through Paul begins by teaching the general

principle that singlehood is an honorable estate before God in 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

In verse “7 But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift

of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness.” Paul’s wish is not that all singles remain

single. That’s not what he meant when he wished that all people were like him. Paul’s wish was

that all people a) had the spiritual gift of celibacy and b) that all people would exercise that gift

by remaining single (Sorum,1991).

In verses, “8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay

unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry.

It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.” Paul repeats that singlehood is wholesome, good in

its nature and therefore, well-adapted to carry out its purpose. But singlehood is not a universally

preferable lifestyle. Paul’s wish is that everyone; had the gift of celibacy and would then exercise

that gift by remaining single. If a single person is not able to adhere that undivided service to

Christ and his church because of these distracting passions, singlehood is no longer well-adapted

to accomplish its purpose (Sorum,1991).

Paul’s point is not that burning, uncontrollable passion is a God-pleasing motivation for

marriage. His point is that the God-pleasing purposes of singlehood are not accomplished if

one’s energy and attention are consumed by lust. Married life is honorable. Single life is

honorable. Each has its place in the family of God and for the service of God (Sorum,1991).

Perhaps it’s time has finally come, and singleness will no longer be perceived as a threat

to marriage but rather a rich resource helping to shape a diversity of family forms and

communities of choice in more tolerant societies (Byrne, 2009).

Development Theory & the Never married and the Divorced 12

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