The characteristics of a High Value Man

This is a list of qualities to look for in a man, based on the assumption that you want a long term,
committed, loving, reciprocal, nourishing relationship, marriage and/or children. You possibly want
to be a SAHM for the crucial formative years and will rely on his income, or work part-time/full-
time while equitably sharing housework and the mental load of caring for a family.

The first things to look for are superficial, obvious, and most people can achieve them. Good
grooming, hygiene, stylish clothing that fits well, healthy body, diet, exercise and sleep habits. A
work life balance, neither underemployed or overworked, spends time with friends and family, has
hobbies, sports and social clubs, as well as adequate time spent keeping his living space neat,
tidy and maintained. Sensible with his finances, neither scrooging or splurging, deep in debt, or
funded by Mumsy. Minimal or no destructive habits – drinking, smoking, drugs, criminal activity,
unsafe sex, self harm, toxic friends, gaming, porn, social media excess, refusal to seek proper
medical treatment and medication when necessary.

These are all your own priorities and personal standards, right ladies? ;)

A high value man, a decent man, is of good character. These are internal traits stemming from
a healthy childhood, which are easily displayed in his every day behaviour.

He is responsible and stable in life. He currently has, and can, keep his life together, including
finances, career, housing, vehicles and planning for the future, such as retirement, insurance,
medical directives and his will. He has ambition and is progressing towards his goals. He is
successfully living independently, and isn't still tied to Mommy's apron strings.

He is supportive of your goals even when they don't directly benefit him. He doesn't play down
your accomplishments, or demand that you drop or abandon them in favor of his own.

He acts with integrity, honesty, directness and forthrightness. He is trustworthy. You can rely
on his word. If he says he will do something, it's as good as done. His behaviour is consistent and
you always know where you stand. He respects every boundary you have.

He consistently makes good decisions and performs sensible actions. He is thoughtful and
fair. He isn't impulsive, hot-headed, short-sighted or half-assed. He is forward thinking and
understands the consequences his actions will have, not only on himself, but to other people, his
friends and family. He is humble enough to know when he doesn't have all the information he
needs to make a decision and has no trouble soliciting advice from reputable sources.

He similarly trusts you to make good decisions. He trusts you with his vulnerabilities and
personal or private matters. He doesn't doubt, judge, critique, micromanage or nitpick. He doesn't
loom over you and make you feel incompetent or inadequate, or as if he knows best.

He is emotionally mature. He doesn't break down and have tantrums at the slightest sign of
failure, disapproval or disagreement. He freely admits when he's wrong, acknowledges the hurt
he's caused, and shows remorse. He has appropriate levels of guilt, shame and a conscience.
He's not insecure, ashamed, easily guilt-tripped by others, or without conscience. He doesn't
cover up his mistakes, lie, deny, deceive or become overly defensive.
He has reasonable levels of self-love. He doesn't desperately require validation from external
sources. He has an accurate perception of his worth and attractiveness from many sources;
internally, the mirror, friends and family, co-workers, bosses, and you. He doesn't rely on you as
the sole source to prop him up. Not emotionally or sexually.

He is socially and interpersonally well developed. He is polite, well mannered and gracious.
He has a well-developed sense of empathy and self-awareness. He has high EQ. He can read
your body language, facial and microexpressions accurately. He can hear your tone and pick up
your cues. He knows what you're feeling based on non-verbal communication. He's not stunted,
awkward or cringe-inducing in public.

He is dependable and a protector. You feel safe with him and can count on him to be there for
you when you need him. He would never violate your boundaries for his own pleasure, or ignore
your consent. He has no problem when you need privacy and alone time. He will protect you from
others, he won't allow others to disrespect you, he won't throw you under the bus or leave you to
'fight your own battles' if you need/want his help. He puts you first and doesn't shy away from
shutting down interfering people, such as his Mother.

He operates as if you are a team. His mindset is that it's “us vs the problem” not “me vs you”.
He makes room for you in his home, his life, his family and his social circle. He has your back. He
takes your hand. He goes out of his way to present a united front. He is co-operative, not
adversarial. Collaborative, not argumentative.

He is in 'attunement' and already understands the female-specific struggles of life, such as

walking to your car in the dark and the prevalence of online sexual harassment. He doesn't mock
or dismiss your concerns. He doesn't flip it back and announce that he'd love to be cat-called.

He is brave but not reckless, confident but not arrogant. He is optimistic without being
unrealistic. He is emotionally stable, can self-soothe and regulate himself in the face of
disappointment, setbacks, frustrations and annoyances. He displays perseverance and resilience.
He has self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem. He is pleasant and a joy to be around, not
moody, mopey, woe-is-me and a drag.

He can laugh and be playful, he's not overly stressed, and doesn't take everything so seriously
in life. While not turning everything into a joke.

He is skilled, talented, knowledgeable and passionate. He is curious and continuously

learning more.

He needs to be able to communicate well and often, while being cool headed. Yelling,
dominating and intimidating is unacceptable. He is kind, considerate and compassionate. He is
capable of active listening, comprehending and reflecting when you speak. He doesn't use the
silent treatment, word games, manipulations or power plays. He is calm, rational and logical,
capable of having sensible discussions, proving how he is right, or admitting when he is wrong.
He listens when you bring up topics and concerns that are important to you. He doesn't dismiss,
belittle, invalidate or mock you when he 'cant be bothered', or because 'it's not important to him'.

He respects you, just as he respects all human beings. He acknowledges your right to have
opinions, preferences, thoughts, values, dreams and goals that may differ to his. He respects
your time. He treats you warmly, kindly, affectionately and with love. He does not see you as an
object, servant, subordinate or lesser being.
He pays attention to your preferences such as your favourite colours, sense of style, most
often worn clothing and outfits, your tastes regarding the wide variety of subjects (music, food,
movies, books, hobbies, sports, recreational activities) – the things that make you you. He is a
thoughtful and personalized gift giver.

He needs to be a family man and all that entails. He wants to BE a husband, BE a father, not
just HAVE a wife and kids. He wants a future with you, and that means being committed, living
together, building your lives together, and supporting each other. He needs to understand that life
will change after the birth of your children, and he has no intention to continue living as a bachelor
while you become overburdened super-mommy.

He needs to be committed, faithful and loyal. Not just to you but to the relationship. He makes
time for “us”, he puts effort into being a couple. Relationships take dedication and work; it's a
fantasy that you can survive on passion forever. He understands both his and your love
languages or emotional needs, and doesn't behave as if they are transactional. He's not 'leaky'
with his sexual attention. He doesn't follow other women on social media or consume porn. He
saves his lust and willingness to seduce for you, and you alone. He's happy and eager to flirt,
romance and make time for non-sexual affection.

He cares about your pleasure in bed. He doesn't have "solace" or "sealed off" sex. He's not
displaying that he's a self-absorbed sex god, using you as a blow-up doll, or needily affirming that
you still love him and he's a good lover. He doesn't force you to have an orgasm to make himself
feel better if you don't want one. He doesn't ignore you or "catch you next time" when you do
want one. Love-making is synchronous; he's present, attentive and generous.

He is appreciative, grateful and giving. He is discerning regarding who he gives his time, effort,
energy, expertise, labor and money to. He is not detrimentally selfless. He is also not greedily
selfish. He has a healthy self-interest, and can say No when he has no desire to give resources.
He is also capable of receiving. He doesn't let himself be used, and he doesn't use you.

He has good priorities in life. He makes you one, but not the only one. There are a lot of
important things to balance, and choosing priorities in the right order without neglecting or
obsessing is a valuable skill.

He has decent values. He is of good moral character. He is socially responsible. He goes out
and shows he is community spirited, civic-minded and law-abiding. He obeys rules and authority.

Baggage

Everyone's going to have baggage. How he deals with it and how much he tries to dump on you
is telling. Childhood trauma, heartbreaks, being cheated on, a sexless marriage, a major setback,
death of a beloved pet... are all admittedly sad and requiring compassion. He should be dealing
with that as best he can, on his own, with social support, a therapist or self-help books, before
entering the dating market. A man who inflicts himself on a woman and expects “her love” to cure
him, is a low value man indeed. Undiagnosed and untreated mental illness is a hard pass.

Further reading:

“Character Disturbance” or “In Sheep's Clothing” by Dr. George K. Simon Ph.D

Video on the anatomy of trust: https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/