SEC Psychology of Relationships

Assignment 1

Submitted by: Sanskriti Saini

Roll Number: 20/PSY/66

B.A. (H) Psychology – Semester III (Section B)

Indraprastha College for Women

 IT ENDS WITH US
By Colleen Hoover

“Sometimes it is the one who loves you who hurts you the most.”

INTRODUCTION

“Loving someone and hurting someone isn’t mutually exclusive.” (Christina, 2016), this
statement perfectly captures the essence of Colleen Hoover’s novel, It Ends With Us
(Hoover, 2016). The intermingling of love and violence in the form of domestic violence
has been a long-standing global issue (CNN Library, 2018) . As a result, multiple initiatives
have been made to start a conversation on this issue on various platforms, including
popular culture(Dwiastuti, 2020). Many novelists have addressed the problem of domestic
violence in fiction, including Colleen Hoover.

In this novel, Hoover explores the issue of domestic violence through the life of her female
protagonist, Lily Bloom(Dwiastuti, 2020). Lily has experienced the dark side of love first-
hand, having witnessed her mother's violence at the hands of her father as a child. Yet
Lily, on the other hand, falls into the same trap as her mother when Ryle Kincaid, her
lover, and later husband, harms her (Dwiastuti, 2020). Soon after its release in 2016, the
novel became a success and left a lasting impression on many readers. Only four months
after its debut in 2016, it received the Best Romance Goodreads Choice Award
(Goodreads, 2016).

Many reviewers appreciated the book's potential to empower those who are also
struggling. Hoover shows how the one you love the most can end up hurting you the most,
but that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should give them the power
to damage you. It ends with us is an unforgettable tale of love that comes with the ultimate
price. The present essay tries to understand the intermingling of love and violence in the
form of domestic abuse in a relationship with reference to the relationship between Lily
Bloom and Ryle Kincaid along with a comparative analysis of their relationship with lily’s
parents’ abusive relationship.

A DETAILED SUMMARY OF THE BOOK

Lily Bloom, a recent college graduate residing in Boston, begins the story on a rooftop,
clearing her thoughts following her father's funeral and she meets Ryle Kincaid, a highly
driven and goal-oriented resident surgeon, there. The couple has chemistry, but it quickly
becomes evident that they have opposing goals in terms of relationships. Ryle is merely
seeking a casual hookup, whilst Lily is searching for a long-term relationship. Lily hires
Ryle's sister, Allysa, to work in a flower shop she has newly founded, and the two reunite
six months later. The more Lily and Ryle run into each other, the stronger their attraction
becomes, until Ryle, despite his initial reservations, chooses to pursue a relationship with
Lily.

During this period, Lily finds herself reflecting on her history and yearning for closure after
her father died, who was abusive to her mother. She rereads old diary entries that she
wrote to Ellen DeGeneres when she was 15 in order to discover it. Her diary entries
narrate her meeting with Atlas Corrigan, a homeless 18-year-old boy, their relationship
started out innocently with Lily motivated to aid him when he was homeless and without
a family when she was a teenager and they grew closer to each other gradually, Atlas
always stood by her side when she would cry about her mom being abused, he even
stopped lily from using the knife on her dad when she saw her mom getting raped one
night. In the present day, Lily wonders if she isn't also looking for closure with Atlas too.

Lily and Ryle's romance appears to be perfect, with their feelings becoming stronger as
they spend more time together and become more integrated into each other's lives.
Alyssa and lily are now best friends, Ryle even meets Lily's mother. Lily stumbles into
Atlas one night while having dinner with Ryle and her mother at the restaurant which now
Atlas is the chef and owner of. She hasn't seen him in nine years, and while she is relieved
that he appears to be in good health, she is frustrated by the distance between them.
Finally, she assures herself that she has found the closure she was looking for, especially
now that she is with Ryle.
Lily and Ryle's bliss, however, comes to an end when Ryle lashes out in a rage, slamming
Lily into the wall during an evening they were supposed to spend together. Ryle
immediately apologizes afterward, and Lily allows him to console her, as she is confused
and upset by the situation. Ryle swears that he's nothing like Lily's father, who Lily has
told him about. She threatens to leave him if this happens again and assures herself that
Ryle is nothing like her father and both of them profess their love for one another.

“All humans make mistakes. What determines a person's character aren't the mistakes
we make. It's how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than
excuses.” (Hoover, 2016).

The next day, Lily, Ryle, Alyssa, and Marshall are eating at Atlas’s restaurant. As soon
as Atlas notices Lily's injured eye and Ryle's bandaged hand and puts the two and two
together and confronts her in the restroom to immediately leave Ryle but she defends
Ryle due to which Atlas gets furious and compares Lily to her mother, whose abuse they
had both witnessed years before, when he and Lily were close. When Ryle discovers
them conversing, he instantly gets jealous and insecure, Atlas strikes him and throws him
out of the restaurant. Ryle seeks assurance from Lily that she is not being unfaithful to
him with Atlas. Lily makes it clear to him that she only cares about Ryle.

Atlas visits Lily at her store and apologizes for comparing her to her mother at the dinner.
He gives her a gift he had purchased her a long time ago and leaves his phone number
with her in case of an emergency. His presence and concern remind Lily of her long-ago
attachment to Atlas. For months, Atlas stayed in an abandoned house for months, with
Lily supplying him with food, clothing, use of her home's shower, and sleeping on her
bedroom floor during the winter. Atlas planned to finish high school on his own and join
the military after being cast out of his home and without a family. During those months,
their relationship evolves from friendship into romance.

Atlas is able to contact an uncle and goes to live with him in Boston, leaving Lily
heartbroken but relieved that he has a place to stay. On Lily's sixteenth birthday, Atlas
returns, promising to find her in the future, but that night, Lily's father discovers Atlas in
Lily's room and attacks him, sending him to the hospital. Atlas had not contacted Lily since
then, and Lily had always regretted that he had not attempted to locate her as he had
promised. However, she now realizes that Ryle is her future now.

“Just because we didn’t end up on the same wave, doesn’t mean we aren’t still a part of
the same ocean.” (Hoover, 2016).

This appears to be the case since Lily meets Ryle's parents and decides to get married
to him on a whim in Vegas. One night, Ryle discovers Atlas' phone number in Lily's phone
and immediately gets jealous and upset and leaves. When Lily tries to go after him to try
to explain, he pushes her down the stairs. Ryle initially denies responsibility for his actions
and claims that she fell from the stairs, only asking Lily to tell him that she isn't being
faithful. Lily explains how Atlas came to her shop and throws Ryle out of her apartment.
Ryle begs forgiveness once more, and even contacts his sister Allysa, who intervenes on
his behalf. Ryle tells Lily the story of how his elder brother died when 6-year-old Ryle
accidentally shot him. Ryle also admits that he has had suffered from episodes of rages
since then. Lily is caught between her feelings for Ryle and the parallels between her
current situation and her father and mother's destructive relationship. Lily tells him that
she is willing to help Ryle, but that she needs to know how and when does he needs her
help.

“Just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you can simply stop loving them. It's not
a person's actions that hurt the most. It's the love. If there was no love attached to the
action, the pain would be a little easier to bear.”

‘There is no such thing as bad people. We’re all just people who sometimes do bad
things.” (Hoover, 2016).

Ryle looks to be better after the incident, but one night he again confronts Lily about her
relationship with Atlas after reading the newspaper article where atlas talked about how
lily inspired the name of his restaurant, he also reads lily’s diary entries without her
consent and starts threatening her, almost raping her, and injuring her when she tries to
protect herself. Lily dials Atlas' number and heads to the hospital, where she learns she
is expecting a child.
Lily is distraught, so she decides to be with Atlas for a few days. After Ryle finds her at
her shop and informs her that he is leaving for three months in England. Lily arrives at
Atlas's place, not wanting to return to her apartment. Atlas explains to Lily that he looked
for her after his first tour ended, but that he found her happy and didn't think his life was
good enough for her at the time. He returns her to her apartment and admits to having
feelings for her. He expresses his understanding that she is currently preoccupied with
her own circumstances, and all he wishes for is for them to be able to have a relationship
someday.

Lily is conflicted between telling Allysa and her mother about her pregnancy as time
passes. She feels alone and in need of their help, but she is afraid they will persuade her
to return Ryle. Allysa, on the other hand, is suspicious of Lily and Ryle's relationship and
confronts Lily. Lily, relieved, opens up about the trauma she's endured as well as her
pregnancy. Despite the fact that Ryle is Allysa's brother, Allysa advises Lily to leave him.
Lily ultimately contacts her mother, who shares her own story of abuse and how the longer
she stayed, the more tolerant she got of it. Lily's mother wants her to leave Ryle as well.

"When I married your father, I knew exactly what my limit was. But slowly … with every
incident … my limit was pushed a little more. And a little more. The first time your father
hit me, he was immediately sorry. He swore it would never happen again. The second
time, he was even more sorry. The third time it happened, it was more than a hit. It was
a beating. And every single time, I took him back. But the fourth time, it was only a slap.
And when that happened, I felt relieved.” (Hoover, 2016).

Ryle has returned and discovered Lily is expecting a child. He begs for her forgiveness,
but Lily keeps a safe distance from him. She eventually allows him to have a role as a
parent, assisting her in the final months of the pregnancy. Despite his assistance, Lily
refuses to make a choice about their relationship until after the baby is born. When Lily
gives birth to her daughter, she learns that she doesn't want her baby to grow up
witnessing violence when she gives birth to a daughter. To end the cycle of domestic
violence, she decides to divorce Ryle. She runs into Atlas eleven months later and
expresses her desire to be in a relationship with him.
“And as hard as this choice is, we break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.”

My mother went through it.

I went through it.

I’ll be damned if I allow my daughter to go through it.

I kiss her on the forehead and make her a promise. “It stops here. With me and you. It
ends with us.” (Hoover, 2016).

We have two instances of an abusive relationship in the book which are quite different
yet still similar to each other, to analyze Lily and Ryle’s abusive relationship we must look
at lily’s parents’ abusive relationship in detail to get an insight into how lily’s experience
of growing up in an abusive household affected her and her relationship with Ryle. By
doing this we also get a proper understanding of how each case of domestic abuse is
different from each other due to many factors and why in some cases people get stuck in
the cycle of the abuse whereas some are able to end it or get out of it.

LILY’S PARENTS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

ANDREW BLOOM

Lily’s father Andrew Bloom is portrayed as a successful and respected man: he is the
town’s mayor as well as the owner of a thriving real-estate agency (Dwiastuti, 2020).
However, not many people know that he is abusive to his wife. (Flood, 2009) explains
that a person’s attitude and situational factors play a major part in the perpetration of
violence. As an abuser, Andrew’s attitude toward domestic violence is shaped by several
factors such as internalized patriarchal values, traditional gender roles, and his own
violent nature, which is often triggered by alcohol and jealousy with regard to Jenny. In
chapter 11 of the book, we get an insight into Andrew’s nature where he in his inebriated
state, accused Jenny of infidelity and used his suspicions as to his excuse to force himself
on her. Andrew’s actions validate (Flood, 2009) clarification that people often justify wife-
beating by asserting that “they suspected infidelity by wives or their disobedience toward
a husband.” (Dwiastuti, 2020).

JENNY BLOOM

As cited in (Fernandéz, 2006) (Boonzainer, 2003) argue that women’s responses toward
domestic violence are linked to several aspects: their sense of self, gendered views of
the world, and attitudes toward marriage. Jenny Bloom’s beliefs about gender roles and
married life have been shaped by her abusive relationship with her own husband
(Dwiastuti, 2020). She perceives home and family as sacred and she wants to provide
her daughter home. Therefore, she decides to stay in the abusive household and endures
her husband’s violent attitude toward her until he dies from cancer. Her beliefs about the
sanctity of marriage also drive her to do everything she can to prevent outsiders from
learning about her husband’s violence against her (Dwiastuti, 2020). Jenny’s attitudes
become apparent in Lily’s case too when she asks Lily to lie to the people at the hospital
about the cause of her injuries. “…tell them you slipped on the ice.” (p.110) (Hoover,
2016) Jenny’s actions stem from her fear that people will judge, blame, and stigmatize
her daughter (Flood, 2009).

LILY AND RYLE’S ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Signs of Ryle as an abusive partner and the instances of abuse in their relationship:

Ryle Kincaid is introduced to the readers in the book when Lily sees him for the first time
on the rooftop of a building as he is going through one of his rages and repeatedly beating
a chair. When Lily sees him, she is reminded of her father, whom she despises for abusing
her mother. The warning signs of Ryle as an abusive partner were clearly shown gradually
throughout the book starting from the time when they didn’t even really know each other
that well but Ryle had lily’s blurry picture framed in his apartment without her knowledge
which as soon as lily recognizes, he says that “It’s been in my apartment for months
now because you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and I wanted to look at it
every single day” (Hoover, 2016). Even before the beginning of their relationship he goes
and knocks on 29 apartment doors in lily’s building just because he doesn’t have her
address, later he buys a bouquet of lilies for her when she opens her flower shop, he
comes out too strong at the beginning of the relationship and is seen as very charming
and romantic, and later when they get married he buys an apartment for them without
informing her before making such huge decision, his too-perfect behavior with his
extravagant gifts all point towards the red flags of an abusive partner.

Warning signs of an abusive partner also include that of being too possessive/controlling
which can be seen when Ryle randomly just drops by lily’s place just to “check-up” on her
and keep constant contact with her whenever possible, he goes through her journals and
reads them without her knowledge, jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust and
whenever Ryle sees or assumes that Lily has been in contact with Atlas, he used to get
extremely upset and jealous and even begins to question lily’s faithfulness towards him.

This can be seen when he accidentally discovers atlas’s phone number in lily’s phone
case and overreacts by pushing lily down the stairs when she tries to give him an
explanation, even when he treats her wounds he claims that ‘’she fell’’ rather than to admit
his own fault, and this marks the second time when he abused lily for which lily kicks him
out of the apartment, we also see how he sleeps outside of the apartment and follows
and begs lily to talk to him the next day and when is unable to do so he goes to his sister
Allysa in hopes to get lily to know the reason behind why he sometimes gets into such
behaviour. Ryle tells Lily the story of how his elder brother died when he accidentally shot
him when he was 6-year-old and admits that he has suffered from episodes of rage since
then.

Even though they both try to work out a plan to help Ryle after that incident and it helps
for quite some time but one night he again confronts lily about her relationship with atlas
when he reads her journals without her knowledge and gets extremely jealous and
suspicious of Atlas’s involvement and effect on her life even now and for that he tries to
threaten and even force him upon her and headbutts her when she tries to fight back, this
shows how throughout the book Ryle experiences severe mood swings where one minute
he can be charming and sweet and the next minute he becomes angry and explosive.
Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners.

Why did Ryle abuse?

People have difficulty understanding the motives of people who are involved in abuse.
Why people choose to abuse other people is a common question. Why (adult) people
who are being abused choose to stay in abusive relationships is another. Neither of these
questions has easy answers and even the strongest attempt to educate yourself as to
why people might make these seemingly irrational choices will not lead to complete
understanding (Why do Abusers Abuse?, n.d.). To fully comprehend, abuse situations
must be lived in and experienced before their internal logic makes any sense.

Mental health problems or illnesses can also lead to abusive behaviour. Someone who
struggles with anger management, has been diagnosed with intermittent explosive
disorder, or has a drinking or drug problem, for example, can quickly lose control during
a disagreement (e.g., because there is something wrong with their ability to inhibit
themselves at the brain level) and verbally or physically strike out at their partners and
dependents (Why do Abusers Abuse?, n.d.).

When Ryle confesses to lily how his elder brother died when he accidentally shot him
when he was 6 and has been in therapy as he suffered from episodes of rages since then
might help us to understand and explain why Ryle was abused. He confessed to lily that
even though he has never had any intention of hurting her when he gets upset and angry
something inside of him snaps and he does something (like physically or verbally hurting
her) during that state which he doesn’t even comprehend during that time as his emotions
outrun all his ability to think rationally. Here’s an excerpt from the chapter of the book
where he tries to explain to Lily about what happens to him during such moments:

“When you ran after me last night, I swear I had no intention of hurting you. I was upset
and angry. And sometimes when I feel that much emotion, something inside of me just
snaps. I don’t remember the moment I pushed you. But I know I did. I did. All I was
thinking when you were running after me was how I needed to get away from you. I
wanted you out of my way. I didn’t process that there were stairs around us. I didn’t
process my strength compared to yours” (Hoover, 2016).

Why did lily choose to stay initially?

The romance and chemistry between Lily and Ryle appear to be perfect during the
beginning of their relationship, with Ryle being a charming and a generous lover there
seems to be no doubt in lily’s mind about her future with him however their happiness
comes to a halt when during an evening together, Ryle lashes out in rage and knocks lily
into a wall, hurting her. Afterward, he is instantly apologetic and regrets his behaviour and
lily allows him to comfort her. Feeling confused and hurt about the incident and questions
everything that she ever knew about Ryle, she tries to navigate with what all happened
during those 15 seconds. She also threatens to leave him if it happens again and they
both try to assure each other that Ryle is nothing like her father.

“Ryle isn’t like my father. He’s nothing like him.”

“Ryle loves me. He’s never come out and said it before, but I know he does. And I love him.
What happened in the kitchen tonight is something I’m confident won’t happen again.
Not after seeing how upset he is that he hurt me.”

“All humans make mistakes. What determines a person’s character aren’t the mistakes
we make. It’s how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than
excuses.” (Hoover, 2016).

Even after the second incident of abuse she doesn’t leave him and tries to justify his
behaviour by thinking “It was an accident. He thought I was cheating on him. He was
hurt and angry and I got in his way” (Hoover, 2016). One of the reasons due to which
women continue to stay in an abusive relationship is that because they want to be the
savior, many described a desire to help, or love their partners with the hopes that they
could change them (Whiting, 2016), similarly after hearing Ryle’s history she made her
mind that she wanted to help and save Ryle because she believed that he had so much
of goodness in him than the bad and she wanted to do whatever she could to convince
him to see and believe that.

‘There is no such thing as bad people. We’re all just people who sometimes do bad
things.’ ”

“You are not a monster, Ryle. You’re only human. And as humans, we can’t expect to
shoulder all of our pain. Sometimes we have to share it with the people who love us so
we don’t come crashing down from the weight of it all. But I can’t help you unless I know
you need it. Ask me for help. We’ll get through this, I know we can.” (Hoover, 2016).

And above all the other reasons Lily stayed because of her love for Ryle, as adults,
children who have witnessed violence and abuse are more likely to become involved in a
violent and abusive relationship themselves. However, children don't always repeat the
same pattern when they grow up. Many children don't like what they see, and try very
hard not to make the same mistakes as their parents (Davies, 2015).

Before Lily realized that she was in an abusive relationship herself, she has had a clear
no-tolerance policy towards abuse and always thought of how she would never make the
same mistake of continuing to live with her abusive husband as her mother did. however,
as the relationship between Lily and Ryle progresses, we see how each time Lily doesn’t
leave Ryle, each time a new kind of justification for Ryle’s behaviour followed, and even
after the third (and the last abuse) she is torn between her love for Ryle accompanied by
the fear for the safety and future of her unborn baby. She now is able to empathize with
her mother and numerous other women who chose to continue to return to their abusive
husbands.

“But sometimes the reason women go back is simply because they’re in love. I love my
husband, Ellen. I love so many things about him. I wish cutting my feelings off for the
person who hurt me was as easy as I used to think it would be. Preventing your heart
from forgiving someone you love is actually a hell of a lot harder than simply forgiving
them.” (Hoover, 2016).
She goes through a series of emotions and thoughts during this time, on one hand, she
still tries to reason with herself and tries to imagine their future together, thinking of ways
by which she can prevent that type of anger like never keeping secrets from him or not
giving him any reason to react that way again and thinks that maybe they just need to
work harder in the future and she hates herself for trying to reason with her situation.

“I am in love with a man who physically hurts me. Of all people, I have no idea how I let
myself get to this point.” (Hoover, 2016).

While on the other hand, Lily realizes that the cycle of domestic abuse is sustained by
self-delusion and fear: the self-delusion that the perpetrator will cease and the fear of
ending the relationship. In her situation, her dread is heightened when she learns she's
pregnant with Ryle's child, since she doesn't want her child to grow up in a broken family
but neither does she want to bear Ryle’s abuse or for her child to witness said abuse the
way Lily witnessed her mother’s. she finally realizes that by breaking the cycle, she not
only stands for her own self-worth but also allows her child to have a healthy childhood
with a positive relationship with her father.

CONCLUSION

By the end of the novel, Lily is able to use her life lessons learned by living in proximity to
Jenny and Allysa to make her final decision of leaving her abusive relationship. Allysa
makes her see the positives of her situation as well as the ways to cherish her unborn
baby. While Lily learns from her mother’s experience with domestic violence and applies
that advice to her situation and realizes that unlike her own mother she has been given
many privileges in the form of financial stability, support from family and friends as well
as other resources which ultimately allow her to leave Ryle.

At the end of the story, Lily is also finally able to make Ryle understand the extreme
atrocity of his violent tendencies while he holds the most vulnerable and precious thing in
the whole world to him i.e., their newborn daughter. She manages to discuss and plan
their future with their daughter while remaining separated however, the solution of divorce
seems too simplistic of a resolution for the grave transgression of battering a woman
within the institution of marriage (Dwiastuti, 2020). The abuser as in Ryle is left
unpunished and is left free to potentially abuse other women in the future.

Even though the book may seem to be suggesting that leaving one’s abuser is enough
but this is not what the book focuses upon, the book discusses the patterns that run
through families, drawing unfortunate children into abusive cycles and patterns of their
own, forcing them to repeat the tragic events of history decade after decade. The book
allows us to enter the mind of a character who should be the one to defy the odds,
someone brilliant, confident, and self-aware, and observe how the cycle of abuse persists
even when one or both partners recognize that it is wrong.

As angry as one might be with Lily for staying with Ryle for so long, one could certainly
feel her fear, despair, and hope, as well as the ups and downs of her anger and
justifications, because Hoover makes the reader fall in love with all of Ryle's positive
qualities: his intelligence, spontaneity, genuine enthusiasm and passion for his marriage.
Yet, by carefully developing Lily and Ryle's relationship, the author is able to target the
reader so precisely that they become immersed in Lily's circumstance and begin to see
how she can justify staying, as well as how situations get to that point. Because when Lily
eventually breaks the pattern one would not be able to fully applaud her because our
relief is so burdened down by the sorrow and loss of everything that happens, so complex
and deep yet clear at the same time, Hoover's work clearly showcases how loving
someone and hurting someone aren’t mutually exclusive.

The story is hard to read and takes even more time for analyzing the character’s
relationship however, it is one of the most significant stories I have ever read since it tries
to reveal the full complexity of domestic abuse in a raw and honest manner. Kami Garcia
is quoted on the cover of this book as suggesting that everyone with a heartbeat should
read it and her claim is not exaggerated in the least because for anyone who believes
that abuse is a simple issue that can be simply judged and a scenario from which one
can easily escape, please read this book for it will show you all of the shades of grey that
exist between safety and fear, right and wrong, and will prompt you to reconsider victim-
blaming for the rest of your life.
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