Bullied at Work: The Employee’s Guide to Surviving Treachery at Work, and The Employer’s Guide to Finally Getting

it Right.
J. G. David
Copyright 2013, J. G. David. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the author;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
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www.jgdavid.com
ISBN: 978-0-9854565-0-4
Printed in the United States
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Bullied at Work/ J. G. David
ISBN 978-0-9854565-0-4
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 Table of Contents
Introduction
1. Power
Top Brass
2. Work
Leadership
The Employee
How to be a Good Employee
Great Expectations
3. The Root of the Tree
Perception
Communication
Crossed Wires
4. Inside the Workplace
The Organization
5. Simple Psychology
Yesterday’s Baggage on Today’ s Train
Personalities
Survival of the Fittest
The Match
The Self-Destructive Supervisor
6. Treachery
Space Junk
When Problems Begin
The Catapult
The Conspiracy
Protecting Their Own
7. Blacklisted
Getting Set Up
Wicked Nasty
Scorned Even
The Trouble Makers
Blacklisted After Newly Hired
Pearl Harbor
The Submarine
The Attack
Reputation
8. For The Employee: How to Play Your Cards
Guilt by Association
9. Getting it Right
10. For the Employer: How to Play it Right
Words of Wisdom
11. The Root Causes of Problems in the Workplace
The Victim
Infant Attachment and Adult Social Skills
The Bully
Group Think
Social Skills 101
Psychological Babble
12. The Employee Transformed: Improving Work Ethic
The New Beginning
The Five C’s
The Model Employee
13. The Employer Transformed
The Manager with no Leader
Leadership Training Principles
Successful Leaders
It’s All Greek to Me
Third Force Psychology
 Management Principles of The Hierarchy of The Human Development
The Effective Leader
The Ultimate Candidate for Leadership
The Balanced Person
The Bank Account
The Successful Leader
“You” as a Leader
Five components of Emotional Intelligence
Listening Continuum
14. Getting to the Happy Place
Self- Actualized Success
Morphic Resonance
Letting Go of Anger
15. Healing The Past That Haunts Us
Healing the Wounds Within
Self- Discovery
Self Reflection
I’m Trapped
Head Games
The Space Between Moon and Earth
The Permanence of Change
Toxic Emotions
Karma Compromising
Written for anyone in the mushroom patch where darkness prevails, where you just can’t take one more day. It is not until we have been bruised enough
that we seek serious change.
-J.G. David
With special thanks to Richard Graey who helped me get my wings years ago. Fantastic mentors are rare. You are a special angel.
With special thanks to Jim and Ed who were terrific leaders. Thanks for believing in me.
 Introduction
Most of us have had some type of experience working in an organization where a supervisor evaluates our performance and then decides whether or
not we are “valued” employees. One’s financial well-being is dependent upon another individual. Most people find this stressful. In fact, many people can’t
stand to work for others, so they go into business for themselves. It is great if one can do this, but many people lack the resources to become business
owners. No matter how we look at it or what choices we make, many of us end up working for someone else at some point in our lives.
If we do not know how to spot dysfunctional organizations and also lack the skills to survive within them, we can set ourselves up for professional
suicide. It is important to understand that toxic organizations are magnets to toxic people. Consequently, this type of system is often infested with bullying,
defamation, treachery, harassment, intimidation and various forms of negativity that can literally ruin careers, relationships and sometimes even lives. The
emotional trauma from enduring such abuse in the workplace may last a lifetime, much like the post traumatic stress a soldier experiences upon his return
from battle. The psychological damage could literally ruin every facet of your life because it breaks your spirit.
Toxic organizations share common traits that reflect the type of leadership at the top. If we wanted to compare notes in various dysfunctional settings,
we would see a common thread in every dysfunctional system. It starts at the top and then works its way down through the system, affecting employee
relations like a malignant cancer. Dysfunctional systems as such are plagued with poor management that creates a system where the workers divide and
then isolate the weaker targets. This is called bullying and it is against the law.
In Bullied at Work: The Employee’s Guide to Surviving Treachery at Work, and The Employer’s Guide to Finally Getting it Right, we explore the
underlying causes of bullying in the workplace. I have conducted research that exposes the many facets and ramifications of the problems. You may be
able to identify with those who have been “damaged” by treacherous people. The testimonials in this book are extended to support you or someone you
know in the decision making process. It is also meant to provide enlightenment to employers so that they may explore solutions for their broken systems.
While composing the contents in this book, I decided to address both the employee and the employer for the purpose of basic understanding and
enlightenment. If we have a basic understanding of the problem at hand, we can more readily take steps to change. This information will help the employer
understand the impact of workplace bullying. If I am speaking directly to you, then we will discuss how your leaders are affecting your entire organization.
Too often this includes cliquish behaviors that are created, many times, by poor “management” at the top. This is what we call the good-old-boy network
that picks and chooses who stays and who goes based on personal relationships and bias at the management level. We will also address what you can do to
improve your organization.
This book is also written for the “battered” employee because most people do not have the intellectual spunk and money to fight big government or
corporations. I know many individuals that were forced to settle or to do absolutely nothing because they could not go up against the financial barn yard of
monetary funding of large institutions. As a result, they were terminated and blacklisted by treachery on all levels. Had they to do it all over again, many
would claim they would not let emotions blind them, and they would “outsmart” the treachery that was bestowed upon them. May this book serve as a tool
to help you avoid treacherous situations in the future. May it serve as a guide so that you do not make unintentional mistakes that will harm your case. If I
am speaking to you, just know that you are not alone. Attorneys across the country make good money from the demise of others. Unfortunately, it is a
booming business.
Whether or not you are a “bullied” victim on the job or an employer who is dealing with the fallout from bullying, you have a problem on your
hands. No matter which side you are on, it is agreeable to say “peace” is much more productive than war. The same holds true for employers that panicked
at the time, making decisions that cost their organizations a lot of money. While doing what they could to either cover up the situation or “shut up” the
details of the situation, they made the matters much worse. To make matters worse, many chief officers at the top were oblivious to the problem until it was
too late. Not only did they suffer monetarily, but they suffered in reputation, which cost them dearly. This did tremendous damage to the organizations.
This is why I am speaking directly to you. Let this book serve as a guide to transforming your organization so that it never happens again.
Even those at the very top have fallen quickly to the bottom from this type of maltreatment. Many of us have been there or know others who have
been down in the trenches with the tissue box. It is not a pleasant space in which to get stuck, especially when your purse strings are tied to the job. We will
analyze this at length. What do you do, especially when you are right in the middle of a mess and desperately need to keep your job? How do you protect
yourself? The most important question is how did you get here in the first place so that you don’t get into the same predicament again next time? This toxic
environment is terrible for new employees, especially if they do not have the insight to spot it beforehand and then lack the “coping skills” to deal with it
once intertwined. This is when emotional intelligence, personality and past experiences determine the resolution of such matters.
If you are a leader who is brand new to a dysfunctional system that is rampant with dysfunction and abuse, you have a huge hill to climb. It takes a
lot of work to clean up after a mismanaged mess, but it can be done. The most difficult task is that of “cleaning house” by terminating toxic employees,
those that are causing you all the grief to begin with. It is a tough road.
We will also talk about the model employee and how employers can avoid these treacherous games when they must terminate someone. To delve into
this conversation, we explore the tentacles of the human psyche and grasp a basic foundation for positive human relations. We talk about the premise of
basic happiness and how this carries over into the workplace. As I say in my other book, Married Players and the Women That Worship Them: A Woman’s
Guide to Escaping the Player Prison, unhappy people become unhappy spouses and, pertaining to the contents in this book, unhappy spouses make
unhappy employees. Unfortunately, this transfers to the workplace with our abilities to “perform” well.
No matter what your situation, the only way to promote change is to decide that transformation is necessary. Only you hold the key to where you
work or what kind of system you put in place for the workers. I created this book for all parties to, hopefully, produce change. Please note this is not a legal
reference of any kind. Names, locations, and situations may have been altered to protect the identities of the sources.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
-Samuel Johnson
 1. Power
Top Brass
Anyone familiar with the military knows that the term “Top Brass” means the high ranking person at the top. This is the person that spent twenty
years of active duty, climbing his or her way through the ranks. In the civilian world, we call this person the top manager or leader. This is the CEO of a
company, the corporate manager, the executive director or a superintendent of schools. No matter what your title, you are Top Brass when you reach a high
level and are the “boss” of every other boss beneath you. The Top Brass hires subordinates, leaders or managers, who are “delegates” for various duties and
responsibilities. This is much like a triangle, with the Top Brass at the point while the delegates trickle down and out below, all of whom hold together the
structure of the organization. The problem arises many times when the Top Brass chooses delegates that get them into serious trouble.
When I was working toward my degree in leadership, I learned the fundamental difference between management and leadership, both of which are
determining factors in the culture of the work place. I was fortunate to have been trained in servant leadership, which focuses on collaboration and
individual participation of a collective system. Here, supervisors are leaders that bring others together for the good of the organization, as opposed to
managers that direct others with endless power. They strive to bring out the best in others to foster new leaders within the system. The common goal is the
“good” of the organization, but the means to get there requires bringing out the best in the employees. It may be perceived as shared, collective ownership
of an establishment’s vision or mission to take it to the next level.
Managers, on the other hand, lead by the iron fist, as many would claim and manage terror systems, as I call them. This is the system that forces
employees into fear and degradation to such a point that they can’t do their jobs correctly. These managers tell others what to do, when to do it, and in
many cases, how to do it. This renders the employee powerless which, in turn, stifles creativity and participation. From my experience, this type of system
is infiltrated by the good old boy network and may readily crumble under this type of autocratic dictatorship. The employees become nothing more than
workers for the system that collect paychecks. If people feel they are not valued, they will take less pride in a system. Consequently, the more atrophy they
show, the more hostile the management may become if production remains low. It is a vicious cycle that has potential to breed a hostile work environment
and possibly send many employers to the “broke house.”
Here lies the difference between productivity and failure. Think about this for a moment. If you are new to a job, do you want to be treated like an
irrelevant member of the team or a number that makes profits for someone else? I can remember one time when I was new to the job and the boss did not
even remember who I was. And this was after one month on the job. And keep in mind that he hired me. What does this say about his “Top Brass” style?
This was the boss who later incited the department supervisor to bully and harass one of the employees. I watched in disgust as she careened into the
employee’s space and screamed in loud piercing volume that the woman was incompetent and incapable of making professional decisions. It was horrific.
Other coworkers had front stage to the harassment. Guests to the establishment witnessed the horror. The woman was ready to have a nervous breakdown
because it was a daily routine. The problem escalated when the central office determined it was a measure of retaliation.
The common question in cases as this is why does this happen? What created such venom and hostility? In this instance, the new employee had
previously complained to the main leader that there were “unethical practices” taking place and, as one might imagine, it was not taken very well. The site
leader then prompted the department leader to “get her out!” Needless to say this ordeal became a huge problem for the main office because they had to
conduct numerous investigations and were forced to make changes that they did not want to make.
It is interesting to note that only two people (during the investigation) had enough courage to stand up and tell the truth and then had to suffer
retaliatory measures for their whistle blowing. The rest of the employees were afraid for their jobs and lied about the dire circumstances under this
woman’s management. The employer, as well, threw the new person under the bus. Word then spread that they were afraid to go up against this person
because she had been employed for twenty-eight years and was a part of a strong union. The spotlight was on the new employee because it was easier to get
rid of the problem because it was less harmful to the organization to make it look the new employee was “just not a match.”
Eventually, the entire leadership collapsed. The site establishment was dismantled and many employees were transferred. The new woman, however,
never fully recovered her reputation from such a tragic ordeal, and the perception was that she was a pawn in a larger scheme of things. It became one
incident in many that lead to the power change, but it did her more harm than good to come forward with complaints.
If you are an employee, it would be wise to heed the advice when I say hold your tongue when you are new to an establishment. If you don’t like
where you are, bide your time until you can get out quietly. If you have been there for years, blowing the whistle may not harm you too much.
If you are an employer, it would be wise to find the root of the problem and pull it out now. If you look the other way, the problems will escalate and
additional complaints will accumulate at your door. You may eventually have a pile of attorney’s bills and will have to deal with the problem anyway at a
later date, and you risk being liable for others mistakes. How much money do you have stashed that you can literally throw away on attorney’s fees and
settlement agreements? How badly will your reputation (as a respectable organization) be tarnished?
Only you can make the choice on how you proceed, but it is best to think of all sides of a problem before burying it under the rug. You will take the
fall for any tyrannical behavior that your supervisors elicit, and you will be held accountable for the petty actions of those underneath you. After all, if you
are a leader of these managers, then you are Top Brass. The buck stops with you.
He that would govern others first should be the master of himself.
-Philip Massinger
 2. Work
Leadership
When I was finishing my leadership training, a professor asked me if I knew the difference between a leader who can’t manage, or a manager who
can’t lead? This is an interesting discussion. A good leader can always delegate to a “good” manager who has a knack for organizational duties. A person
that just manages everyone without leadership ability will eventually sink the ship, and the Top Brass will pay the price. If you are the Top Brass in this
type of organization, you may want to research other companies that met their demise. The higher up you climb, the harder and faster you fall when you
make enemies by ruling with an iron fist.
The servant leadership style appears to produce more positive results and has a much better organizational framework. A good leader is “good”
because he or she can also manage. My experience has led me to believe that a combination of leadership and “good” management works best.
I worked in an organization years ago that was fantastic because employees worked together as a team to develop a system that was conducive to the
community’s needs. The results were phenomenal. The student test scores were much higher than surrounding school districts and employee retention was
at an all-time high. Fewer employee complaints were filed than surrounding districts. The work culture was positive and “happy.” They had a low turnover
of employees because rarely did people seek employment elsewhere. Parents were pleased with the “customer” service. The positivity trickled all the way
down to the kids. This is a reflection of the positive, servant leadership at the top of the system, as Top Brass knew how to lead the people and manage the
system. And this was done well because the leaders understood people. They made “relationship building” a priority.
The managers in my career, however, had a large turn over of employees as many people resigned to find employment elsewhere. They were so “task
oriented” that they could not build relationships. More law suits were on the books because disgruntled employees fought the establishment and, in almost
all cases, lost because they could not fight the system. These cases were filed due to supervisor negligence, harassment, intimidation, hostility, and all the
ugly things that ruin careers, finances and, in some cases, even lives. No matter how we look at it, there are so many dysfunctional organizations out there
and, in this economy, beggars can’t be choosers. We can, however, arm ourselves with insight and knowledge to help avoid getting burned by these terror
systems that exist.
The Employee
A successful organization also has “good” employees, and by this I mean productive people who are a match for the system. Before we can discuss
this further, it is worthy to note that employees have various types of personalities and character traits. When these personalities blend well together, it is
smooth and healthy. When they clash, however, it can be a nightmare for all parties involved.
How to be a Good Employee
When I took my first interpersonal communication class years ago, I discovered the word selfy. I equated the word with the adjective selfish, but I
was mistaken. Although they may seem similar, the real distinction between these two words has to do with motive. Selfish people are simply self-
absorbed for no other reason than self gratification. They care little about the concern for others. A selfy person, on the other hand, is concerned with taking
care of the “self” so that the person’s basic needs are met. It has to do with self preservation.
Let us take this a step further because it is worthy to mention (as we will in greater detail later) Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow
suggests the human being’s longing for security exists on all levels: financial, physical, spiritual and emotional. Once the self’s needs are met, the person is
free to give out to others. He or she is no longer preoccupied with the self as are selfish people. On the other side, deprived, needy people find it impossible
to give anything to anyone because they are desperately craving their own security. This is what can create nasty competition and friction in the workplace
in almost every imaginable way.
With that being said, human beings are naturally self-consumed. What is in it for me? Since we will work with hundreds (if not thousands) of people
in our lifetime, it is probably a good idea to understand them. It is more of an asset to know that everyone will look out for number one first, whether or not
this is because they are selfy or just downright selfish. When business is bad and the pink slips are ready for the postal line, for example, everyone is
hoping their names are not on the list. Would you be willing to give up your job so that the person next to you keeps his or her position? If you understand
this, you will not expect anything other than that which is and you may very well avoid conflict and strife.
Too often our conflict and strife are a direct result of our expectations running away from us. We expect people to be considerate and kind. We
expect people to do things that even we do not want to do sometimes. We expect people to relinquish power, either consciously or subconsciously, so that
we can have our way. Before we know it, our expectations have crashed to the ground, and we are trapped in a world of resentment or some form of
unhappiness. If we complicate this grievance with the fact that most people tend to shy away from physical confrontation and will passive-aggressively
make their grudges known, then we begin to see real problems brewing in the workplace.
People rarely forget an injustice, whether it is real or perceived. And the boxing gloves are on. Thus, work becomes an unpleasant word. And then we
have to return again tomorrow for another round. The unhappier we become, the more apt we are to pay no mind to the limitations or needs of others.
This is the challenge of Top Brass. In situations that define the title of this book, you probably have managers that can’t lead. If we follow this
scenario, someone becomes inconsiderate of another person and then a conflict breaks out. After the fight, other colleagues take sides and get on board the
bully train. Before you know it, employees are saying hurtful things about one another and the gossip mill runs overtime. Hurt feelings permeate the
environment. Then the revenge and vindictive behaviors pulverize the system. Even innocent bystanders (who happen to be different or unique) could end
up getting “picked on” as a result of the need to vent the hostility and resentment. When rage and anger are not diffused and “understood,” it cultivates and
brews. This is what happens when we cling to past hurts.
Good leadership knows how to bring it all out into the open, like sunshine sanitizing filth. Good leaders know how to employ facilitation and
mediation, which creates fertile ground for peace: What is the problem? What happened? Where is the issue rooted? Who may have caused the upheaval
and how do we resolve the conflict? Nothing can be fixed until we know what is broken. And if it is broken, it will keep getting worse until it is fixed.
Poor leaders who shy away from confrontation themselves tend to make a brush fire into a forest blaze. When it is all minimized and shrugged under
the rug, it breeds a negative culture. These are the managers or leaders that tell staff to “stop all the negativity and just leave it alone!” It is the everybody
play nice speech that makes staff resent the leader. As anyone in this situation knows all too well, this response will make a bad situation worse because of
one of two reasons: either people do not feel heard or, on the other hand, no one was given a consequence for hurting the “injured” party.
Later, we will talk about how to extinguish the fire. If you are an employer, we will discuss how to stop the poison from ruining your system, but we
must first go back to the beginning of our initial conversation. What type of leader are you? It is time to create a system of leadership that is managed well.
It is time to destroy the treacherous environment and create the type of work environment that will be prosperous for you.
Great Expectations
One contributor to bullying in the workplace is the unintentional burdens employees put on one another. Let’s say Sam at work intrudes on Johnny’s
personal time. Johnny is a new employee yet to establish a reputation in the workplace. “Will you please watch my space for just five minutes while I make
an emergency call?” Although, Johnny may want to help Sam, it still cuts into his own personal time. He may do it once or twice because he wants to be a
friendly colleague and understands that emergencies happen but, if it becomes a habit, however, Johnny may become resentful. If he declines one day, then
he may run the risk of being the “bad” guy for not helping Sam. If Johnny confronts Sam or acts “put out,” then he runs the risks of not being a team
player. As we can see, this puts Johnny at an unfair advantage because either way he has to take action to do something. He must set boundaries. If not, he
runs the risk of being “run over” by his colleague because, eventually, he may be asked to give up his entire break for Sam.
 One sure way to avoid conflict in the workplace is to respect the boundaries of others and to avoid expecting too much from coworkers. Unrealistic
expectations such as these are what get some people into trouble.
Let’s just say Sam asked Johnny to watch his station every day. Johnny begins to resist. Sam gets angry at the resistance. Sam then begins invading
Johnny’s boundaries by expecting him to keep giving up his break time. This is bound to put Johnny on the defensive where he eventually declines to help
his colleague. It is called taking advantage of someone’s generosity. Let’s take this scenario one step farther.
Once Johnny is on the defensive, Sam may “get even” by spreading the rumor that Johnny is selfish because he refused to help. I have seen this
scenario happen many times in my career. This puts Johnny in a lose-lose situation. It is even worse if Sam is liked by the other employees because then he
carries weight and power, which will most likely affect Johnny’s reputation and status on the job. Sam then becomes the culprit in this situation. Not only
does he avoid taking responsibility for intruding on Johnny, but he proceeds to share negative perceptions with others about Johnny, drawing others into
this web of deceit and discomfort. This is defamation of character, which could be used in a court of law to incur damages for the “injured party.”
Such inconsideration most likely produces a negative environment that may include bullying, harassment, defamation of character, all perpetrated by
the other workers. This is what bullies do. They intrude on others and then blame or ridicule them. Although this may be a fictitious scenario, it is very
much a “real” example. Bullies rarely take responsibility for their actions and, unfortunately, may tend to hold an enormous amount of power. If Top Brass
looks the other way, it risks a legal battle.
It takes strong leadership to take care of this problem. Furthermore, if Sam is a part of the good old boy network and is in “good” with management,
Johnny’s job could very well be in jeopardy because Sam has people in high positions that embrace him no matter what he does. I have seen people stabbed
by this type of sword many times in my career. It is very sad. This is why the type of leadership is so important. Again, what type of leader are you and
what type of leaders are running your system?
There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.
-Henry David Thoreau
 3. The Root of the Tree
Underneath a full-grown, green, leafy tree are the roots that sustain its beauty and vitality. It all began with the roots and it would end with the
roots, should this life form be deprived of basic essentials for survival. We can apply this to anything in life, especially our topic at hand. Everything has a
beginning. With each conflict at work, the beginning battle is usually rooted in an ugly perception, which fuels negative thoughts that are usually put into
action by behaviors that are hurtful. And then it turns into war through communication.
Perception
Perception is everything. Perception is reality which, in turn, is absolute truth to many people. Let us talk about what it really means.
It is the natural human drive to makes sense of the world around us. We seek to understand and to be understood. We also strive to be accepted,
included and embraced in the system that surrounds us. We make sense of our world by perceiving what is happening by drawing upon our prior
experiences. This means that our past “baggage” follows us everywhere we go. We are constantly checking and comparing our surroundings with our past
experiences because we gravitate to that which is most familiar to us, or we seek to protect ourselves from that which has scorned us. An individual who
has had painful experiences with racism, for example, may be more sensitive to the perception of skin color: He or she may perceive that others notice the
color of his or her skin more than anything else. It is only logical that we would be more sensitive to that which has hurt us in the past.
Therefore, we can deduce that people are constantly monitoring their surroundings by perceiving what they see and hear. If, at the same time, you
monitor and check the perceptions you send out to others, you may “control” (to some extent) the amount of grief you get back. It is a two-way street.
People are constantly reading your body language, as well, not only for what you say, but for what you do. It is wise to understand this and to identify your
own limitations, which may minimize your hardship. The individual who is in touch with his or her scars (from past racism) and identifies its origin will
more readily adapt and overcome. If this person understands the cause and effect relationship, he or she may overcome the limitations (perception deficits,
as I call them) that create “overreacting” or perceiving that which may not be there.
In summation, one way to avoid conflict in a new job is to set up a stress-free situation from the start. When you are new to a system, people make
judgments about you based on the vibes and “feel” you are putting out. If you understand this, you can monitor yourself. It only takes a split second to turn
someone off and then this person may, in turn, run right out and share this “judgment” with others. And there goes your reputation. In short, it is wise to
monitor your surroundings and your own behaviors that others are constantly reading.
Communication
We should not underestimate just how much perception and communication are intertwined. No matter how we look at it, human beings will get
their points across in one form or another. If we have a negative perception that makes us feel badly, we will find a way to communicate our disgruntled
emotions. Even if we make great strides to stifle what we feel, our “hurt” will seep out in nonverbal ways. When our rhetoric contradicts our behaviors, we
become untrustworthy. I have yet to find anyone who embraces untrustworthy people with open arms. Consequently, we build a negative reputation for
ourselves that draws to us unpleasant reactions from others.
Everyday we constantly communicate with others in a variety of ways, one being nonverbally, which is done mainly at the subconscious level. This
may be through body language, facial expressions, subtle comments in verbal discussions, or any other way that gets our points across. Others pick up on
these clues and determine if you are friend or foe. Are you on the good list or the bad list? This perception is shared with others. Call it gossip or simple
communication, but word gets around.
Years ago my friend, Sara, began working at a new location and felt somewhat shy at first because she had not yet acclimated to her environment.
She was still learning the physical landscape of the organization and was preoccupied with getting to know everyone and everything. She learned a lesson
of a lifetime about this very topic.
One day she arrived early and took a shortcut to get to her location. She squeezed through the side gate, vastly passing others coming and going,
while trying to avoid running into those who were also in a hurry. She was rushing and paid no mind to those that had passed her.
Two days later, however, her detour reappeared to bite her from behind. She was surprised to hear that a woman had gone to her immediate
supervisor who, in turn, had gone to her manager to complain that Sara was terribly unpleasant. My friend was bewildered and could not decipher what had
transpired.
Apparently, while squeezing through the gate a few days prior (trying to avoid invading another’s space), she had unknowingly shunned this
woman’s greeting. The woman said hello to Sara (from the other direction) but Sara, focused on her way, unknowingly did not respond. It was most
ridiculous to say the least, but these very small, “innocent” violations can cause unsolicited grief.
Consequently, this woman perceived that Sara was “stuck up” and very unfriendly. My friend was in a terrible position because she was new to the
organization and was “branded” before she had the chance to build a positive reputation. In summation, the woman’s perception became reality, and this
reality spread to other colleagues who, in turn, responded negatively to the newcomer. This was the beginning of a hostile work environment until she
eventually “disproved” the negative perception that was attached to her, and this took her countless hours of extending herself in positive ways to others.
Crossed Wires
Before you get upset and act on impulsive, negative feelings, it is wise to make sure you are accurate about what is upsetting you. It is so easy to be
sucked into a black hole of communication that is completely off the mark. This faulty assumption can ruin relationships and careers. In order to show the
importance of this suggestion, I will share a friend’s testimonial.
One time my friend was staying with her cousin when she had a crash course in perception checking. Her place of employment was going through
leadership transition (for the same reasons in this book, I might add). She came home each day, venting with the daily saga updates that happened. Her
organization was in shambles in many areas and, in addition, nothing seemed to work. People did not do their jobs effectively. It just so happened that the
maintenance crew had been summoned to fix her air conditioner because the unit malfunctioned in 100 degree weather. She was perplexed because the
gentleman seemed annoyed that he was called to fix the unit. She was sharing her frustrations with her cousin who, in turn, retorted, “It is time for a new
job! Do something else if you don’t like your job!” She was immediately hurt and offended. She felt embarrassed when he cut her off and suggested she
stop complaining and get a different job. She was steaming over his lack of sensitivity and rudeness.
An hour passed, and she could not stand holding in her feelings. It was a good thing that her cousin’s wife was in the room because she unloaded on
her instead of acting impulsively on feelings (derived from faulty perceptions), which could have damaged her relationship with her cousin. My friend told
her cousin’s wife that she did not appreciate his dismissal of her words or the suggestion she get a different job. Then, she thought it best to take a walk to
cool off.
Later on, her cousin clarified his position. It turned out that his comments had nothing at all to do with her. He was directing his comments toward
the maintenance man that seemed annoyed at having to fix an air conditioner in the heat. “Why is he doing his job if he does not want to fix your unit?”
Her cousin asked innocently. Needless to say, my friend felt stupid. She was upset and hurt over nothing at all. It was a good thing that his wife interceded
and acted as a buffer because she was able to set things right.
Too often we act on faulty perceptions and miscommunication without first clarifying whether or not we are correct. You can avoid much strife and
turmoil if you wait before acting upon a feeling of “hurt” that may or may not be true. It is best to check first before getting your wires crossed.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
-Epictetus
 4. Inside the Workplace
The Organization
Human relations are difficult no matter how we look at it. I don’t know of any perfect setting where everyone gets along all the time. This is why
working in personnel is challenging. Unfortunately, it is difficult to detect what kind of situation you are entering before you accept a position. Once hired,
it does not take long to figure out the culture of the organization. If something does not feel right, it probably isn’t right.
You can usually tell if you are in a dysfunctional system by the amount of tension in the air. A dysfunctional system has a lot of unhappy,
dysfunctional people who spend more time communicating about and sharing perceptions of others than focusing on job performance. This is when one
person tells another employee about something terrible (perceived) that someone else did or said. Sometimes it is made up information, but many times it is
just something that another perceived the wrong way, much like Sara earlier. This person, in turn, leaves his or her station to tell someone else what they
heard. And then the gossip mill works overtime. Others may join the band wagon. Eventually gossip meanders right back to the subject of the gossip.
Consequently, the person dreads coming to work and may, in many cases, suffer tremendous stress because this type of setting is hurtful.
It can quickly turn into hostile work environment. If the employee reports the situation to the supervisor, then he or she risks being a “tattle tale,”
which is a menace to other colleagues. The employee then risks retaliation from the employer because many managers do not want to deal with petty
incidents and will more readily throw the new one under the bus than risk a huge upset with an already dysfunctional staff. The complainer becomes the
problem. The whistle blower becomes as much of a nuisance to management as the “tattle tale” is to the colleagues. And the retaliation begins. And it is
worse when management gangs up with colleagues in partnership to get rid of the employee. Thus, I have an entire book to write about. Again, this type of
leadership usually crumbles at some point in time. If you (the employer) do the hard work now, you may avoid serious losses down the road.
A poorly run organization has poor management leading the people. Instead of viewing this situation as a challenge to mold and change for better,
they view it as the problem that needs to be extinguished. This is the boss who does not want to be bothered with “petty” stuff.
Petty stuff is kids’ stuff, and the old saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me, is a myth. It does hurt. Each person
in a system is just like you and me, as everyone has pride, dignity and respect. When people overstep their boundaries and adhere to vindictive behavior, it
diminishes these qualities. We become diminished, disinterested and possibly depressed, which is hurtful. Who wants to be the subject of negative gossip
that has the potential to permanently damage his (or her) career? Who wants to stay awake at night, tossing and turning, dreading the next day at work
because someone might intimidate them?
No matter what the cause of this harmful behavior, it is unjustified. There are no logical reasons or “just” explanations for mistreating another human
being. Not only are we responsible for our own actions, but we are responsible for how we make others feel. This reminds me of the saying from Ghandi:
No one can hurt you without your consent. Words can and do cause pain, but it is not the words per se that hurt, but rather the view we take on them that
causes the problem. Read this chapter’s opening quote (by Epictetus) again.
The majority of people do not look the other way when people injure them. Most people experience the common symptoms of trauma, which include
difficulty focusing, concentrating, and tending to duties. You may call in sick because you just can’t stand it one more day, only to find that your day off
has gone too quickly and tomorrow is already here. You simply hate the place. It is difficult to compartmentalize and put it out of your mind because fear
and anger streamline your veins with thoughts of how to dodge the intimidation. You tell yourself it does not matter, but the committee in your head
overrules this statement. It becomes a literal nightmare during sleep time and a metaphoric nightmare during the day. It gets so bad for some people that
they even take their own lives.
I can remember one time a similar situation had a tragic ending. Years ago when my husband and I lived on a military instillation, there was a young
Private who lived on the next street. He was having Unit problems and was the recipient of harassment and bullying. He was young and could see no way
out because he perceived that he was stuck or trapped for three more years, as his contract stipulated. He believed he was a failure and that his father would
view him as such. He was ashamed of himself, as he felt he let down his wife. He was tormented with perceptions and thoughts that controlled his
communication and behavior. He was a prisoner in his own skin. One day he went into his car and blew out his brains with a shotgun. He ended it all right
there. Although the military has a different set of rules and codes than that of the civilian world, this type of negativity carries tragic consequences no
matter where you are. If you are an employer, you must remember that you may never truly know someone else’s story and how your treatment may affect
him or her. This is why it is imperative to run a clean system.
Good leaders can spot disaster before it mutates into reality. They understand that once the situation escalates to such a point, it will either explode or
implode. This is usually when it reaches the supervisor level, where the management’s reaction defines the type of leadership running the organization.
The “good” employer understands this and takes care of it right away. The “poor” manager blames the pettiness on the employee and then begins to
target and isolate the problem, which can create further divide among the employees of the organization.
A functional organization run by collaborative leadership will find the origin of the problem and pull out the root. It is worthy to note, however,
that functional organizations have less of this type of behavior because they hire wisely and model appropriately. They take care of their employees. The
leaders in this situation will conference with all parties involved and define acceptable performance in the workplace. They will put forth boundaries and
expectations, which should end this type of abusive behavior. Most importantly, there are consequences for negative behaviors, and these consequences
apply to all, not just a select few who are excluded from the good old boy network. The negativity will eventually leave the system, either by free will or
force.
I am going to digress a moment to discuss the human reaction to mistreatment. It can be frustrating to continue reading about negative systems
without finding a quick solution. It is our natural instinct to fix what is wrong and be done with the problem, but the problem is so complex that it can’t be
fixed without enlightenment and understanding. We must fully understand the problem before we can find solutions.
It is worthy to note that functional systems do not need solutions. A functional organization promotes a more collaborative, servant leadership, where
people are focused together to achieve a mission for the organization. People tend to be proactive and helpful and are less prone to attack one another. This
system is usually organized by effective leaders who care about their people and take care of them. They give them what they need to get the job done.
More importantly, they take care of their people by serving consequences to those who are not pulling their weight. To do otherwise pits employees against
one another, creating major strife and conflict. We call this a hostile work environment. If you study the labor laws, you will see how you open yourself to
major liability. Again, what type of system are you leading and what type of leaders are “leading” your people?
If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.
-George Bernard Shaw
 5. Simple Psychology
Yesterday’s Baggage on Today’ s Train
A long time ago I attended a workshop about dysfunctional organizations. It was fascinating to hear the dynamics of perception-communication-
conflict, as I call it.
First, we should begin by realizing that our past influences us in more ways than we know. How we were once treated affects our expectations of
how we will be treated in the future. It is a huge wheel (or cycle) that goes around and around. Once we are aware of this concept, we can begin to change
our lives and attract better situations to us, or we can learn to better adapt to that which comes our way.
It was no surprise to hear that people from dysfunctional homes will usually (subconsciously) seek out dysfunctional organizations someday as their
workplace. The same conflicts will repeat themselves. No matter where you go, there you are, unless you have taken the time to reflect on the road from
which you just came. If, for example, you grew up in a family unit where your father and mother were abusive and no one protected you, you will have a
better chance of drawing to you a “bullied” work environment. You are, once again, the victim. Bullied or alienated kids usually end up bullied or alienated
again someday, either in a poor relationship scenario or in the employee setting. They will use the only coping skills with which they are familiar. Sadly,
many people lack coping skills and will employ the same behaviors as they did under dire straights as a kid. In times of crisis, the inner child within
surfaces, prompting us to act the same ways as when we were traumatized kids.
On the other side, the kids that were mistreated learned to harbor rage and resentment and then may spend their lives getting even with the world.
These are the bullies that go after anything or anyone that interferes with them. These are the ones that sense weaknesses in others or those that can pick a
victim out of a crowd and terrorize them, much like a shark circling blood in the ocean.
Whether bully or bullied, these personality deficits from the past certainly take its toll in the work environment. This is what keeps attorneys in
business and what forces employees to run for cover.
Personalities
When people with various personalities come together to work in a system, it is almost certain that some employees will clash. The key is to learn
the “codes” that will help you avoid putting yourself in situations that are harmful to your career. If you learn to read other people, you will identify
“triggers” or codes that can be used as red flags.
No matter where you go, you will encounter people with various personality and temperament types. Much of our temperament comes with us from
birth, but much of our temper is molded from our experiences. Our personalities are an accumulation of experiences and temperament. On the job, we are a
melting pot of personalities. There are people who are natural born leaders. There are the followers. And we can’t forget the rebels who will resist authority
at all costs. There are also those that isolate themselves and do not wish to become involved in anything.
Much of our personality depends on the needs we have. Some need to be the center of attention. Some need to left alone to do a job because they
have difficulty multi-tasking. Some people couldn’t care less about anything. Some are people-oriented, while others are task-oriented. These are just some
of the many, but it is helpful to understand that various personality types that coexist in the workplace because many people clash. It just depends on how
we deal with others. All that being said, it is wise to “own” tolerance because tolerant people adapt well and get along better with others, and they can more
easily deal with difficult people.
Wise people (or those who have just learned tolerance through the school of hard knocks) employ certain techniques that keep them out of trouble.
They stand back and observe others before they jump in and say something that gets them in trouble. They also study others by looking at the way they act
and the things they say. They use their “perception feelers” to see what type of personalities exist. These experiences (hopefully) help us put forth
confidence and boundaries that teach others how to treat us. They possess simple manners, like using words as please and thank you. And they employ
courtesy, which is a cousin to manners, as they extend themselves to their colleagues. We will discuss this more later when we talk about bullying.
It is important to keep a mental note of how others view us, too, because people size us up in thirty-seconds and make judgments on us based on
perceptions. If I am speaking to the employer, it is wise to assess your leadership characteristics. Since employers are people as well, it is a good idea to
assess what type of person is inside the leader in you. What kind of personality do you have? Are you likeable? Do you need to be the center of attention?
Do you need to fade into the group? Do you (unknowingly) come across as being better than everyone else in an attempt to prove your own competence?
How do others view you and are you a likeable person? Are you an honest person? Do you have integrity? Do you keep your promises? If someone with
whom you work was asked to describe you, what would their account say?
Survival of the Fittest
You can survive in the workplace if you understand the basic fundamentals of human nature. As we said earlier, people are out for their own
survival. It is human instinct to look out for number one and beat out the other guy. We are a kin to our homosapean ancestors, only we are more civilized.
We may be much more tactful and subtle about the approach, but the bottom line is no one really cares about anyone else. If it came down to your job or
someone else’s position, for example, you are going to do whatever necessary to keep yourself safe and secure. This is why it is always best to keep
pleasure separate from business. My grandfather used to say one should never make friends at work because business and pleasure do not mix in the long
run. In a sense, familiarity breeds contempt. This is true in most cases because, as with any relationship, when disagreements arise, it can be difficult to
accept another’s shortcomings. The closer you get to others, the more visible their shortcomings are. And, as with all close relationships, conflicts surely
arise at some point. This is why it is a terrible idea to get romantically involved with colleagues. When the relationship sours, the job performance often
sours, as well. And the reputation may follow you and damage your career.
Gravitational Pull
It is interesting that we often gravitate toward those that are most like us and we tend to “project” onto others that which we disdain in ourselves. My
mother used to say, “Show me your friends, and I will show you yourself.” This is an interesting opinion. People tend to gravitate to familiarity, and they
can usually spot other “like minds.” This is why jocks in high school hang together on one side of the school and the leathernecks claim the other side. If
we fast forward ten or twenty years, these teenagers are now employees somewhere (as adults), who are still choosing their friends, only as colleagues now.
If you take notice of those towards whom you gravitate, it gives you an idea of who you are on the inside. Do you admire those with whom you are close?
Are those with whom you hang respectable and ethical? Do you gravitate towards those who possess that which you are lacking?
When I took a sociology class years ago, I was forced to sit in front of a duck pond for an hour to observe the social behaviors of ducks. My
assignment was to write a paper on how each duck interacted with one other. I was supposed to identify the weak from the strong and the “bullies from the
bullied,” as I tailor my terms for this conversation. It was fascinating to see which ducks flocked together and which ones quickly departed the space of
another. In the context of our conversation, ducks are no different than humans. That being said, toward which group do you gravitate?
The Match
The first tip for any employee to remember is that reputation is everything. Once formed, it is difficult (if not impossible) to change. Your reputation
is worth weight its in gold because it labels you and is the determining factor of your actual success as an employee. Further, it will follow you to other
places of employment, even across the country or globe because people talk. Depending on what type of job you have, it could be a nail in your career’s
coffin. Let us discuss how the reputation is formed.
Your reputation is built through the perceptions others have of you and, too often, we do not realize that perceptions are constantly being formed.
Once your reputation is formed, however, people will overlook certain things if you behave “out of character” (on a bad day), contrary to your reputation.
When you have proven yourself, people will trust in your character.
Your everyday interactions help others form opinions of who you are as a person, as well as an employee. The verbal cues you send out, like tone of
voice, body posture, and kinesthetic proximity all send out messages to others about who you are. If you are friendly and smile when interacting with
others, people are more apt to form positive perceptions of you. In addition, your work ethic will come across to others by what you are willing to do. What
kind of work performance do you have, and how do you get along with others? Are you willing to stay an extra fifteen minutes one day, or do you stick
strictly to the contract or set work hours? If you are more amiable, then others are more apt to perceive you as a trusted member of the team.
We say a lot without saying a word, and this is the loudest voice we have. What type of nonverbal communication do you send out? Are you a
positive individual who shows a sincere interest in excelling at your job? Are you flexible and positive? Do you avoid discussing the faults of others or
engaging in gossip? People will judge you by the way they see you behave towards others.
We also say a lot by those to whom we show loyalty. Your loyalty becomes transparent in someone’s absence. People will notice what you say about
someone when others are not around. This paints a picture of who you are. People will associate the way you treat the absent member with the way you
treat them when they are not around. This picture forms a perception of you, and this perception helps form your reputation.
The problem surfaces when your personality conflicts with the basic expectations of an organization. This happens quite often when you are not a
match for the system. It can be difficult. If you are an independent, task-oriented person who does not have the “tolerance” to sit in collaborative meetings
to make collaborative decisions, then you are not going to be a match for a system that prides itself on collaboration and relationship building.
The Self-Destructive Supervisor
It is one thing to understand ourselves and take responsibility for our own behaviors, but many times leaders breed destruction and ruin everyone else
around them.
Many times in my career I have seen the most inept administrators that literally did not know what they were doing or were so corrupt that they did
not care how they destroyed others. This happens quite often in the field of education when the principals “set up” the assistant principals as “fall guys.”
This is when the principal gives many directives to subordinates that destroy their careers. For example, when a principal directs a new assistant principal
to write a letter of reprimand to a teacher or to stand in the parking lot and literally “spy” on teachers by logging their arrival times, it can destroy their
entire administrative careers because they become enemies of the teachers. The teachers union then rejects them. Districts (Top Brass) that want to
“groom” administrators would be wise to monitor principals and make sure that they mentor new leaders, rather than force them onto the chopping block
before their careers even begin. Top Brass should “take the heat” for first year administrators by asserting disciplinary action against staff members and
doing the “dirty” work that pits teachers against leadership.
Aside from corrupting and destroying their assistants, there are other ways principals destroy the entire morale of the staff. Many bog down their
members with constant expectations and additional responsibilities, like meetings, staff development, testing, training, etc.. No matter how accommodating
people are, this can be a game changer. It is called bringing out the worst in others, as it has the potential to burn out the staff. This is when management
becomes so task-oriented and results-focused that they push their staff like race horses (with the purpose of producing), but they fail to nurture the
relationships with staff. This creates resentment. Should this happen, it can create a huge divide within the team. This is when some employees do whatever
they are told because they do not want to rock the boat, all while secretly harboring resentment. The vocal group, however, resists the extra duties and
becomes powerless if the other members do not unite and resist the bombardment. Sadly, even the submissive ones (that act like they are on board with the
program) are harboring resentment, just like the vocal ones, only they are silent objectors and leaders become blind to these silent enemies. No matter how
you look at it, your staff is not happy with what you are imposing. Eventually, the ship will sink and your system may collapse.
You may want to ask yourself if you are listening to your employees. Are the employees being forced to do what you tell them, or are you including
them as team members communicating with them and discussing the reasons for the additional burdens? If you are Top Brass, do you pay special attention
to those leaders under your leaders or managers? Most importantly, are they leaders or managers?
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napolian Bonaparte
 6. Treachery
Space Junk
Although we humans live on earth, there have been occasions when objects from other planets have mysteriously fallen from the sky. We have been
bombarded by debris from outer space that could kill us. We can apply this “junk” to our conversation because being a target at work is much like getting
hit by space junk from some outer dimension. It is frightening because you simply can’t plan for that which is unexpected. Who would ever think of
preparing for stuff falling from the sky? In addition to taking you by surprise, it can be costly while requiring legal attention.
As far as the law is concerned, harassment and bullying have different definitions that are contingent on who is doing the perpetrating. If the
employer is committing the act, then there are laws and codes that will determine the damages. If it is the other employees that are doing the harassing and
the bullying, then the employer has an obligation to step in to put a stop to the behavior because it is against the law. In education, for instance, the
bargaining member can file a universal complaint, which must be addressed by administration. The “definition” of your situation and the extent of your
damages may be estimated by legal counsel.
For the purpose of this book, I am going to talk in generalities. If you find yourself at odds with a new place of employment or with those within the
system, you may want to step back and gather your senses before starting a battle. You may not be a match for the system, and that is okay. There is
nothing wrong with that. Your best course of action is to put together an exit plan so you can get away unscathed.
A new employee rarely wins the fight. It would be wise to put energy into planning because you may find yourself in an unhappy mess if you see no
way out. Miserable people find it hard to invest in the system, which makes it probable that they could rub others the wrong way. If you make one enemy,
there is a good chance this person will vent to others and, they too, will become your enemies. And you may not even know it. Your reputation can be
damaged by this. This is dangerous, especially when you do not know you offended someone, like the squeezing through the gate police woman earlier
who perceived my friend was unfriendly. It can become a domino effect, and you will be adding additional problems to your plate.
I want to dedicate this chapter to the collaborative effort a team makes sometimes to get rid of an employee. What begins with a perception can have
its painful end in treachery.
When Problems Begin
Since most people try to avoid conflict, they may not come right out and tell you when you did something they did not like; yet, most people have
difficulty forgetting a “hurtful” perception. We can revert back to my friend’s crossed connection situation with her cousin and the air conditioning
technician. It is difficult for people to just shrug it off, and it depends on the type of infraction and the depth of the relationship. This is why the woman had
to tell someone (who told someone else) about my friend’s “rude” behavior between the fence links. Although it was an inaccurate perception, it became
absolute truth to the woman tattling. This is harmful behavior at the raw point. Since I have seen so much of this destruction in my career, I always make it
a point to check my perceptions before I act on them: How do I know this (whatever this is) to be true?
This takes me back to an incident in the days when I was an administrator monitoring the kids during lunch. It was during this time that I realized just
how parallel many adults can be to kids, only the adults are a bit more sophisticated in the ways they destroy people. I stood and observed, much like I had
done at the duck pond years earlier, but there was much more pressure because I was attempting to stop something bad from happening, as school monitors
often do. There was a troubled young man who entered the cafeteria on the far side of the room. His face looked grimaced and petrified, as his body
language signaled that he was “not to be messed with.” He meandered his way to the front of the food line. Just as he was making it to the front, I happened
to glance the other way at a group of troubled gangsters. I watched the leader of the bad boy group grab an eyeful of this kid at whom I had been staring.
He held on like an angry mountain lion. I watched as he pointed the kid out to the other gangster standing to his side. Trouble was brewing. I quickly made
my way to the scene, but I was too late. The bad boy jumped the two lines and cold-cocked the kid, blind-siding him with several punches to the gut.
After Security did the wrestle-tackle and locked up the scene, it was time for the investigation. I was stunned and amazed to discover that the root of
such destruction was a perception that was, to say the least, inaccurate. Apparently, the troubled young man had just arrived at school with emotional
baggage weighing him down to exhausted isolation. He was distraught. His father had beat up his mother so badly the night before that he spent the night in
intensive care, hoping his mother would survive. If that is not enough to make someone scowl and frown, his father, a drug addict, had pounced on him
earlier in the evening, before starting in on his mother. To top off the situation, his older brother had been recently shot in a fight and had a thirty-percent
chance of survival. It was dreadful. The kid was so preoccupied that he had no clue as to what was around him, never mind what was lurking at him from
the other side of the cafeteria. Needless to say, he was miserably unhappy with his family trauma when the bad boys on the far side of the room
“perceived” the kid had “mad-dogged” them. And thus the young man unknowingly glanced at the gangsters in a mad-dogging eye contact demeanor,
whatever that interpretation meant. The gangsters automatically assumed it was a personal “dig” and reacted impulsively on that negativity. This is much
like the woman who attacked Sara’s reputation for not saying hello.
This is very dangerous. I mentioned this brief story because this type of “assault” happens all the time, only at different levels. Whether it is gangsters
pouncing on innocent kids who have a lot on their minds, or if it is my friend’s cousin supposedly making a hurtful judgment or a new employee’s
damaged reputation for being “unfriendly,” it causes so much loss and destruction if we impulsively act without discovering the truth.
We should get our facts straight and find out what is true before leading a posse to destroy someone. In fact, there are laws against this type of
defamation of character. These types of infractions carry serious consequences; therefore, it is very wise to became familiar with the various labor laws on
the books.
The Catapult
Again, perceptions are the very root of trouble in the workplace. I like to compare perceptions to the catapult used during Roman times. This was a
dangerous object that was flung at a specific target. It was the preferred weapon of the times that could do serious damage to the enemy. We can apply this
weapon to our conversation in a metaphorical reference to its destruction. If you had an enemy across the room, you would have been wise to duck and
cover.
It is essential that one be very careful when starting a new job because first impressions and behaviors can set the stage for being catapulted by
unknown enemies. You never know who knows who. Once someone has been branded with a negative reputation, the negativity may spread like wildfire.
Then the signs of alienation become so apparent that you have to be on another planet to miss them. People may begin to distance themselves from you,
and the problem may escalate. Your situation then depends on the type of leadership in the organization. Good leaders know how to put a stop to this, and
poor managers are adept at knowing how to add fuel to fire so that the situation explodes.
Many people find out they have been catapulted by the way others act in their presence. How do people treat you? It is not necessarily what they say,
but what they don’t do. This is when you are avoided and treated as an outcast. You may feel like something is not right, but you are not quite sure what the
“it” is. No one says anything to you, but the vibration is so loud it breaks the eardrum. You then notice that you are left out of meetings and important
events. People will most likely keep their distance from you. You may be the last one anyone asks for help. It can be a very lonely, scary space in which to
get stuck. The situation may eventually begin to escalate. The “power figure” coworkers may bate you with sarcastic remarks or may openly confront you
about something. Once someone actually confronts you, the chances are probable that they have leadership approval (either verbally or nonverbally) to go
after you. This is when you might assume you have been targeted for termination that you may or may not be able to stop. Unfortunately, many people are
damaged too much to save their jobs. This is why it is necessary to know how to protect yourself and, most importantly, to have a full understanding of
what is happening within your system.
The Conspiracy
By the time the situation escalates to the uncomfortable point or to the moment when someone openly confronts you, the leadership is probably
aware of the crisis and, in many cases, has already targeted the employee for termination. This is because leadership teaches others in the system how to
treat one another. We tend to mirror behaviors of those at the top. In most of these dysfunctional systems, the organizations are run by the good old boy
network, where the higher ups have already spread the bad word about employees that are getting axed. It is unprofessional and, depending on the
circumstances, may violate the code of ethics.
In addition, many of these violations are most likely against the labor laws, which favor the victim. This is the situation where someone at the top
may say something negative about someone to another person in the circle. This person tells another and, of course, this information is given to only those
within the clique. But once the word is spread, it keeps going and eventually gets around to all the employees.
This is fertile ground for bullies to move to the front of the line and peck at the weak employee. Everyone knows what is happening except (in many
cases) the employee who is extricated, admonished and about to be terminated. In most situations, the person is blacklisted for future employment and has
not caught on until it is too late. This is when he or she heads for the attorney’s office, but many times it is too late.
What happens next depends on the type of organization and how easy it is to “get rid of” an employee. If, for example, the union is embedded in
the system and there is a tenure process, management will start a slow, brutal campaign to terminate the employee. It then is up to the attorney to prove
wrongful termination, and this is a very difficult, costly, lengthy process that usually wears down the employee so much that the case is dropped or settled
out of court. This is a harrowing ordeal. Anyone that has been involved in such a situation understands this.
I once knew a man, Sal, who was cast out of the system before he began working within the system. Sounds too crazy to be true, but I can’t make
this stuff up. He had been hired by a panel of individuals, but the lead supervisor convinced the panel to hire him for the position. It just so happened that
the lead supervisor retired shortly after the interviews. A female panel member, Joan, had been promoted to his job and was not in favor of hiring Sal.
The first day on the job Sal realized something was terribly wrong when Joan refused to acknowledge his presence. Although Sal was in charge of
Oversight, Joan withheld the box of evidence for his case, which made it impossible for him to complete his duties. This set him up for failure. When he
tried to connect with her, she was unfriendly and suspicious of his intentions, almost like someone had “poisoned” her mind against him. He did not
understand what was happening. He attempted to gather the essentials to do his job, but she refused to give him anything that would assist him. When he
finally confronted her, she was dismissive and told him that he should show some passion for his work. He was perplexed. He was unable to make the
connection to be a part of the team because he, too, became scornful. She was treating him like an outcast, not like a member of the team. Naturally, he
resented her treatment and dreaded going to work everyday.
Sal soon realized she was watching his every move and was, in fact, investigating his work habits, as per whispers of other employees. She had also
been interrogating him and darting sarcastic comments his way during meetings. The situation escalated to such a point that the other workers began
treating him with the same contempt. Sal knew he had to do something. He then made the mistake of confiding in a higher up at the executive office,
Marla, who had befriended him with support and sincerity. Marla appeared very concerned at first and offered some suggestive points and assured him she
would attempt to mediate the conflict.
A week later, however, he was called to the main office on the pretense of discussing some “inventory” matter but, upon arrival, Joan and Marla were
waiting with bated breath. Sal had walked into the lioness’ den. What he thought was a helpful conference turned out to be an hour long pow-wow of
buyer’s remorse. Sal was a “bad hire,” and they intended to tell him so. It was one of those nightmare lists that had recorded in writing every failure and
disappointing thing about him. How much can you get on someone, though, when he has only been on the job for three weeks? They even accused him of
lying in his interview by stating he was advanced in technology. Needless to say, Sal was ambushed and socked from behind by a catapult of doom. He
could not relate to what they were saying because he did not profess in the interview to be a technological guru. He was speechless.
Not only did Marla turn on him, but she fabricated charges against him. Joan even accused him of being racist because he mentioned the term
“Korean” to identify a consumer: The Korean man in the store window had been one of three returns today, only he did not have his receipt. Poor Sal had
not a racist thought in his mind. His purpose was to share the identity of the one consumer that could not return the item. It was evident they were
documenting negative incidents so that they would have grounds for termination at the end of the year.
When Sal left the office, he contacted a good friend who suggested he hire an attorney for legal assistance to get out of his contract. “You aren’t
going to win. She wants you out, and you could end up losing your license if she fabricates charges against you. In the end, you will have to pay for a
lawyer anyway. Do it now and put a black mark on her ‘new’ position before she ruins your career with termination,” his friend advised.
Once Sal hired an attorney, things started rolling up hill because the law is many times the only thing that employers fear. Once you have tried to
mediate your situation and it reaches a point of no return, as did Sal’s situation, you may be forced to hire the law to fight on your behalf. This was a wise
move for Sal. It turned out that his attorney knew their attorney and was able to give him some insight on who and what was behind this treachery.
Apparently, Joan knew someone at the college that worked at Sal’s previous organization (an enemy of his crowd) and spread poison to her. As rumor had
it, Sal “had been an unhappy man who was a poor employee and was about to be terminated from his last job.” This gossip, in turn, prompted Joan to
believe she had been sold bad goods. She had formed a perception, based on rumor, and then held a grudge against him. She then acted on these
perceptions. Sadly enough, she did not communicate to him or even try to make it work. She had no idea if these allegations against Sal were true. She
acted upon a perception based on gossip, and the Top Brass helped her do it. She wanted to get rid of him as soon as she could. Sal had to pay the price for
something someone said, which was based on perception and hearsay, not fact. I have seen this over and over again in my career.
In the end, Marla threw Sal under the bus to save their “newly promoted” employee. Some might say that she had to do this because to do otherwise
would have been a reflection on the organization’s poor personnel selection. It was easier and faster to get rid of Sal. When organizations like this lack
integrity and do not do the right thing, it almost always comes back to bite them in the long run.
When Sal had done some research of his own, he found that every other colleague that worked with Joan transferred, resigned or quit when she was
promoted because they refused to work under her. This in itself should have been a red flag for Marla and her superiors that there was problem with this
woman’s leadership style, but they chose to hire her anyway. In this instance, I will call it the good old girl network.
In the end, Sal’s attorney filed for hostile work environment and negotiated a partial buy out of contract along with a sealed file. This way the
treachery stopped there. It was prohibited from following him to his next place of employment. Even though Sal had to pay a lawyer to get a buy out and
had to endure damages to his career, he was able to “taint” Joan enough so that this incident stayed with her. When she treats future employees in the same
manner, there will be a record.
The harder it is for them to get rid of you, the harder they will hit you. Marla and her organization invented many lies about Sal that would
damage his case, but they were unsuccessful. Through the discovery process, for example, Sal learned that Joan convinced her secretary to say that he
demanded she get him coffee every morning. The problem with this charge was that, in addition to it being a complete lie, Sal did not drink coffee! They
also accused him of being late to appointments, all while Sal had been on time, if not early, for every one. They had only minor infractions with which to
charge Sal, and they knew it would be a wise choice to settle with a half- year buy out. Some have argued this was a move to protect Joan because she was
brand new in her position, and they did not want this to carry on and damage her further.
If you are Top Brass reading this situation, it would be wise to assess your own organization to determine if you have any supervisors who behave in
such a manner and take care of the problem before it escalates into disaster. It may be wise to have specific trainings on the very essence of perceptions and
how they create disaster. Do you teach your supervisors about the dangers of (mis)perceptions? Are you familiar with the employees that work under your
leaders, and what “rumors” have you heard about the type of treatment they receive? You may want to find the answers to these questions to see if you
have a real problem. Your reputation is important and, if word gets around that you harass and bully employees, you may have a difficult time getting good
applicants in the future. You may also want to check your company’s bank account. Do you have an extra million dollars to give away on legal
settlements? Rarely are there isolated incidents. The way your people treat “new” hires will tell you much about who they truly are and what is really going
on under your nose. You may want to listen carefully to them.
On the other side, if you are an employee struggling through a similar situation, you may want to assess your situation. What kind of system is it?
What happened and what was it that you may have done or not have done that caused the negative pot to boil over? Where do you go from here? It all
depends on how difficult it is for them to get rid of you. If you are a new employee with no time reference or established history like Sal, it will be easier
for them to boot you out. If, on the other hand, there is a tenure process and they are not permitted to terminate you at any point, they will work harder to
ruin you. The depth of the situation will depend on your length of employment with the organization and how much of a threat you pose. The solution
many times is limited: endure the system or resign from your job. Depending on your circumstances, you may want to hire legal counsel to save your job.
Protecting Their Own
An organization will do whatever it can to avoid negligence of wrongful termination. Government and public service jobs have plenty of
attorneys in the back room advising their every move because they have the financial access to do so. The motive is to prove negligence because they seek
justification for terminating you. It is difficult, if not impossible, to beat the system, and you may run the risk of ruining your career in the process. You
would be wise to think ahead and prepare for future employment.
What are your plans for the future when you get out of there? How will you be able to get another job if this one is trying to take your livelihood from
you? Who are you going to use as a reference? Have you set up your situation so that they can’t give you a “bad” reference?
If they do offer to give you a reference, you have to be careful of the under the sheets language, as I call it. It is a special language that managers,
supervisors and leaders understand. It may be one key word or phrase that tips the other one off to not hire that one. It is nothing that could be proven. It is
treachery at its lowest form of deceit because it most likely can’t be proven in court of law. Unfortunately, not only do you have to worry about harassment
at work and being bullied out of the system, but you have to worry about your career being sabotaged in the future. Take Sal, for instance. This is exactly
what happened to him when the “bad” stuff followed him right to Joan and Marla. Protect yourself.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-Thomas Jones
 7. Blacklisted
Getting Set Up
Once you have been branded as an outsider, the entire workplace may become involved in your demise. This is when they (people within the
organization: employer and employees) circle the wagon, much like a shark circles its prey. In order to do it right, in most cases, the employer needs
witnesses, testimonials, and a file of evidence that protects their decision to do you in. They may investigate you by talking to others about you and your
performance. They most likely write down what others say. All allegations must be investigated because they cannot win on hearsay. Many times this
happens beforehand without the employee’s awareness. If they don’t have a lot of evidence, they may set you up and force your hand. I have seen
situations where they make the employee look mentally unstable in an attempt to justify their case. In fact, this may happen before people start acting
weird, and (by this time) all the damage is done by way of constant harassment and intimidation. If they push you over the edge, there is a good chance you
will become angry and say things you will regret later, things they can use against you. For instance, in the field of education, Chapter 4, Section 44940,
Article 2 in the Education Code (Ed. Code) allows the school district to place an employee on mental leave if there is evidence of mental instability.
In situations like this, it is so important to maintain a cool demeanor; otherwise, you play into their hands. I knew of a woman that had been on the
job for quite some time when she began noticing changes in her colleagues’ behavior. She felt uncomfortable because everyone scattered when she walked
into a room. She knew she was getting the “cold shoulder,” but no one would say anything to her. Then, shortly after the departed ones abandoned her, she
noticed her supervisor visiting her on a regular basis. He began literally pointing out all that she had not done and then chastising her. “You did not submit
this folder to personnel. You did not gather the materials for the lecture you are supposed to give.” He organized staff meetings without informing her and
then called her phone to ask why she was not present at a mandatory function. Clearly she was being set up.
When she approached him, he pointed out that she was not fit for the job. He proceeded to literally pound his fist on the table, telling her that he was
terribly disappointed in everything she had done. It was abusive. The woman was perplexed. What was the problem? Then she noticed that her colleagues
began setting her up the same way that her boss had been doing. There were many incidents where her colleagues attempted to organize an ambush. One
time in particular, she beat them at their own game.
Since it was her job to complete the Regulations Report, she needed the rules and regulations for the project. The only one who knew the material
was a certain colleague. When she emailed her for the paperwork, this colleague gave her the incorrect file. I must say that this woman was pretty savvy
and beat them at their own game because she did not take the bate. Instead of taking the advice, she researched the project on the internet and found the
newest information and then put it together correctly. She then emailed this woman to “share” what she had learned. She quietly walked into her
colleague’s office and overheard the woman call her a “bitch” while reading the email she sent. The woman played it smart by not calling attention to the
name she had just been called. She smiled and said, “Thanks for the information, but I think I have all I need. Good day.”
The ending to this story is irrelevant because we can see a common denominator of similar circumstances in all the cases we discuss. What matters is
the way this employee was treated. No matter what she did or did not do, there is a right way and a wrong way to terminate someone. And there is a
morally wrong way to treat colleagues. If you are an employee in a similar situation, it is best to play it safe and gather all the facts for your work. As you
can see, this woman knew not to trust her colleague. If you are Top Brass with managers beneath you, it would be wise to take inventory on what type of
supervisors are “managing” within your system. It is costly in many ways to go after employees with an iron fist. If this went to court, the judge would
want to determine the “damages” done to this woman. And chances are great there were many damages done.
Wicked Nasty
While we are on the subject of treachery, I want to include more dreadful experiences that I witnessed first-hand. Years ago my colleague made a
startling confession that shocked me to no avail. She had been competing with another employee for a leadership position outside of the school district, but
it happened that the other person got the job. This woman was so angry that she was not chosen for the position that she had her husband call the supervisor
of the position to divulge terrible personal rumors about the woman they hired. She was proudly confessing this to me. I was very naïve at that time, and I
could not understand how or why someone would go out of the way to deliberately sabotage someone’s career. Apparently, the husband told the supervisor
that Edna was a terrible employee who could not be trusted. Without going into great detail, he proceeded to divulge personal secrets that had been
circulating, rumors that may or may not have been true. This is beyond treacherous and beyond nasty. I call it wicked nasty.
Here is another wicked nasty tale: My team partner, years ago, was involved in a brutal battle with the site leadership. Although many things
were said about her, she was very responsible, conscientious and reliable. She was an excellent employee and took care of others. Without expanding, she
was in the process of changing work locations because the situation was escalating. She needed to take a few days off to move. She left meticulous lesson
plans for her students, but these plans mysteriously disappeared. Upon her return, the site principal approached her and wanted to know why she had left
without leaving lesson plans for the substitute. Evidently, someone walked into her room and took them off her desk. This is wicked nasty, and this type of
infraction happens more often than we would think.
The following tale may top the betrayal scale. I knew an employee who was happy in her position. She received a call from a friend who asked
her for some pointers on interviewing for a position in another location. A month later, however, this individual announced she was leaving. Everyone was
shocked. Apparently, she secretly applied for the same position and ended up getting the very job for which her friend applied. And never said a word to
anyone, I might add. With friends like this, who needs enemies? This may take the cake for wicked nasty.
Scorned Even
Throughout my years of observation, I have come to believe that some people will do anything, especially if they feel “wronged.” This is what
we call getting even with those that have harmed you. If we add “scorned” beforehand, you really have a vindictive person.
I was an acquaintance of a gentleman who received the wrath of a scorned woman, and all because she was not included in the interviews for his
hiring. She was the leader in the science department and had been shoved out (for lack of better description) of the interview panel. The assistant principal
hired him instead, and he spent the next year paying the price for her scorned feelings. When he approached her for his supplies, she withheld them and
proceeded to tell him they did not arrive. Yet, the entire cabinet was full with items through which the other teachers rummaged. When he needed
information, she gave him the cold shoulder and limited conversation. He assumed she had a lot on her mind. When she was walking in his direction, she
made eye contact at anything else to avoid his engagement. It was terrible. When he inquired about her scorned demeanor, the other teachers filled in the
missing pieces. She was striped of her power and was having an opposing struggle with the new administrator. To make matters worse, she was buddies
with the principal as their relationship spawned forty years. They went to high school together. Therefore, it was the good old boy-good old girl network,
and he was caught in the crossfire.
The Trouble Makers
Trouble makers come in all sizes, shapes and colors in every type of class and profession. I once had a very close friend, Ms. Miller, who taught
history at a local high school. She was very good at her job, and it was her last year before becoming tenured. She put a lot of pressure on the kids and
forced them to rise to the expectations. She had fantastic evaluations and was considered an excellent teacher who had fabulous classroom discipline.
One day, she was called into to administration because another teacher had questioned some of her students about a curriculum unit she had
conducted. The teacher asked the students if Ms. Miller had taught a certain lesson about a battle in history, but the students gave inaccurate information
that the teacher took to the principal. Thus, this teacher was called on the carpet because a colleague tattled that she had not taught a certain unit. It was
horrific. She had to explain the situation and prove all that she had done, even after she had a terrific evaluation from a supervisor. She was appalled, to say
the least, because it was a sad day when another bargaining member conducted investigations via students that put a black mark on her reputation. She was
furious.
Then, six months later, a counselor (who was a friend of the curriculum unit police), decided to stir the pot with an investigation of her own. While
collecting homework, Ms. Miller called out in praise the kids who earned scores above ninety-percent. However, one-half of the class chose not to turn in
the assignment. She then proceeded to lecture the class, telling them that “stupid choices can hurt you in the long run.” Ms. Miller put this day behind her
and continued her lessons throughout the weeks. She had no idea there was a problem until one day when she was called into the administrator’s office.
Apparently there had been a long investigation of which she was unaware about her “teaching style.” A student complained to the counselor that Ms.
Miller called the kids “stupid” and was requesting a transfer to another class. The counselor, instead of conferencing with the student and teacher (or
gathering more information), went directly to administration who, in turn, conducted a thorough investigation that transcended directly to each student in
the classroom. This was all done without the teacher’s awareness.
The story gets worse.
It was confessed during the discovery process that the student lied because she wanted to transfer to another class to be with her twin sister, and Ms.
Miller also “gave too much work.” This ordeal created an enormous problem for my friend because the administration did not inform Ms. Miller that she
was under investigation.
During my leadership training, this was something “good” leadership does not do, especially for minor infractions like curriculum issues or rumors.
In the end, Ms. Miller went to the union that conferred with the principal, who ushered insincere apologies in an attempt to diffuse the off-campus union
venom that was spewing from the violations. Her enemies were determined to harm her by any means possible. Thus, they catapulted her from behind in an
attempt to get her out of there.
This was a terrible ordeal. Ms. Miller was an outstanding teacher with incredible test scores. The kids loved her. What was the purpose of trying to
accumulate all that would hurt her career and boot her out? No matter what Ms. Miller did or did not do or who she offended, or pissed off, to speak in bold
terms, there were no justifiable reasons for this ugly treachery. We have a responsibility to behave professionally and treat others the way we would want
others to treat us.
Upon reflecting on the long ordeal, I asked Ms. Miller if she could remember back several months to recall anything unusual before this incident
occurred. Were there any warning flags to tip her off that someone was going after her? She said she could feel something was not right, but she did not
know what it was. Just as most people comment, it was the way people acted when she walked in the work room that made her uncomfortable. It was the
negative body language she received when she asked for her supplies. When it was all said and done, her enemies exposed themselves. She was able to
overcome because she had been employed there for two years and was able to prove herself as a teacher. Many people, however, are not so lucky because
they have not been on the job long enough to establish a reputation that will support them through such ordeals. They may get terminated and must start
over in another location.
This was a clear indication that something was wrong with Ms. Miller’s reputation because there was no trust in her competency. Instead of
standing by her like a team member, leadership isolated and targeted her. This was clearly not servant leadership at the top because “good” leaders do not
operate this way. It is noteworthy to share that shortly after this incident the administrator was fired due to unrelated incidents, along with all other
administrators. The school district cleaned house. It was just a matter of time before this leadership collapsed because it was standard practice at this site to
treat teachers like the enemies. They eventually fell at their own hands.
Now let us examine this from a leadership perspective. We can assume that this was poor leadership because the essential goal in every school
district should be to bring everyone on board for the mission of the school, which is ultimately to help the kids. If they had a fabulous teacher with high test
scores that the kids loved, they certainly did not demonstrate servant leadership by collaborating and building a relationship with her. This is when Top
Brass needed to pay attention to what was happening on the inside of each school site. In no way is this situation an isolated incident. In the end, the
management continued to rotate and top management was also shoved out within a year.
It all trickles down to the bottom from the top. If they behave in such treacherous ways or simply do not take care of the treachery beneath them, they
will eventually all be booted out the door. If you are Top Brass and don’t want to deal with it all right now, then you will deal with much more later down
the road. Think about that for a moment.
Blacklisted After Newly Hired
It is one thing to be bullied or forced out of an organization, but it is another to have the treachery follow you to future employment. This is when
whatever it was follows you, as we discussed. No matter where you go, you can’t get rid of the black mark on your reputation.
I once had a very close friend, Mary, who had such a traumatic experience that it is still going on somewhere in a parallel universe. It is worth sharing
her story. She had been blacklisted from a previous place of employment, only she did not know it until after she was hired at the new organization, much
like poor Sal’s experience with the buyer’s remorse list.
Before hiring Mary, the employers found her reference letters and phone calls to be excellent. The only problem was that she was caught in the line
of fire between her immediate superiors and those at the highest level (Top Brass). It was the famous power struggle that has consumed organizations since
Roman times with slinging catapult objects. She was favored by the top and loathed by her immediate supervisor. Call it jealousy or whatever, but Mary
was too “green” to understand the politics of the situation. She had been sabotaged, blackballed while still on the job. She had no idea how the battle
surrounding her would ruin her career and put her at war with future organizations.
After she was hired at the new job, someone in the organization made phone calls to various people at her previous employment. It was a nosey
colleague that had perceived something negative. The details are irrelevant, but this colleague made life living hell for Mary. Apparently, the disgruntled
colleague wanted to find “dirt” on Mary, so he or she called secretaries and staff members that were friends with Mary’s previous supervisors. Given that
Mary was a favored, golden child of the Top Brass of her previous supervisors, one can only imagine what web the gossip mill weaved.
After two weeks on the job, Mary’s new boss began to harass her and pick apart her work with abrasive hostility. She knew something was not right
and, once again, like everyone else in this situation, approached her supervisor. Much to her dismay, he told her he was not going to keep her. “She was not
skilled enough for his organization, and she had no business being in her position.” He proceeded to tell her she was a disappointing employee and
described her performance as being “incompetent, terrible and horrible.” The woman was bewildered. She had only been on the job for three weeks, much
like our pal, Sal, but she had an edge that he did not have. She had proof that she was doing a spectacular job when a colleague wrote an email to executive
headquarters praising her work. How could her supervisor justify his complaint against her when her colleague, who had been employed there for decades,
vouched for her great performance in a written email?
Given that she was on the job for less than a month, it was difficult for anyone to justify what was happening. Mary, like Sal, took her concern to the
executive office because it was truly a hostile work environment with bullying and badgering at play. She wrote a written complaint that should have been
addressed but, instead of taking care of business, the Top Brass put her on an improvement plan. This was unexplainable and inconceivable. Why would
administrative leaders put an employee on an improvement plan when she had not been there long enough for initial training? Nothing made sense. The
problem escalated when Mary’s supervisor became aware of her formal complaint to the executive office.
She became increasingly distressed because her supervisor retaliated against her for causing problems for him. He would stop her in the hall and
point his finger in her face. He followed her around, commenting on her incompetency. She became emotionally unstable because she did not know what
punishment the next day was going to bring. She lacked the confidence that our friend had earlier while beating them at their own game.
 She could not sleep and food became a chore to consume. It was brutal tyranny and pure humiliation when her supervisor would embarrass her in
front of others. She documented his harassing phone calls. She noted that he constantly checked up on her performance and that he interrogated others,
requesting they put negative things about her in writing.
When she wrote another formal letter of complaint, she was told not to put anything else in writing, otherwise she would never get a reference from
anyone within the organization. Mary decided she needed legal assistance.
Mary was eventually forced to hire an attorney for a buy out in an effort to avoid termination, which would have permanently ruined her career. The
worst part about her ordeal was that she could not identify the root or cause of this tyranny so that she could destroy it. How do you fix what you don’t
know is broken?
To make matters worse for Mary, the rest of the organization, as always, began to follow suit while setting her up. One of the other employees
purposely gave her inaccurate information about their standard procedures. Sound familiar? Had Mary not checked, she would have given him all the
ammunition against her. She was able to correct the problem before he called her in for another mistake. The problem was exacerbated when another
employee secretly whispered to her, “I really like you and I think you are getting screwed, but I can’t say anything. I need this job, and I can’t be seen
walking with you.” Of all the indiscretions and violations that took place, Mary found this the worst hurt of all.
As the days passed, the enemies circled the wagon, like a shark to a pool of jelly fish. The secretaries were documenting Mary’s actions. It was all
trickling down from the boss. In leadership meetings, the boss would humiliate Mary in front of others by pointing out her mistakes, forcing her on the
defensive. He continued to push her over the edge until she became a basket of emotional instability. Then he suggested to the executive office that
something may be wrong with Mary’s “mental state of mind” like, perhaps, she may be crazy or imbalanced. The case was building.
Eventually, the situation culminated to the breaking point. Mary refused to continue in this environment and would fight back the only way she knew
how. She was keenly aware that she had little recourse because of her brief time on the payroll, and she was also aware that her supervisor had three
decades on the payroll. Mary was not going to win this battle, but she did not seek victory. She wanted to make sure that (1) she got out unscathed and that
her career would not be scarred by termination, and (2) she wanted to put up a fight to teach the establishment a lesson. She wanted to give this tyrannical
man the same sleepless nights he so gracelessly gave to her. The only way this could be accomplished was through the law.
Mary did the unexpected by hiring an attorney. Her supervisor thought, of course, that had he put enough pressure on her, she would just quit.
According to Mary (who knew the personalities of the players involved), she would become a distressed, emotionally imbalanced female that he could
control and intimidate, as his derogatory remarks of women seem to indicate. He could then be rid of her.
Mary knew she had to be one step ahead of the execution plan if she wanted to win. She could not go out on stress leave because this would be a
“black mark” on her mental and emotional stability, as it could be tracked and used against her. Therefore, she had terrible back pain that required medical
attention.
She soon became untouchable when she took a leave (for back pain) and then had an attorney contact the executive office. They had to stop all
communication. It is sad that it took legal intervention to stop the harassment. It is even more concerning that the Top Brass did not take better care of this
situation. Since this organization refused to play ball and give her a buy out, her lawyer assumed they had previous complaints and that similar suits had
been filed. According to the attorney, they knew how to play the game too well and planned to hurt her in the worst way possible. This included delaying
and stalling the case for several months without giving her a contract buy out, all while her checks were paid month to month. They strung it out without a
resolution.
The only “good” that arose from the ashes was her professional status. They did not terminate her; therefore, she was not forced to declare
termination on an application. It is noteworthy to say that Mary is still paying off legal bills from this nightmare. Consequently, She was not only forced to
take a lesser job, but she was beaten so badly psychologically that she thought she could never again succeed at that type of position. Her confidence
plunged rapidly and, whenever we speak of this, I can see in her eyes that this painful experience is still going on within her somewhere in another
dimension. It is much like the post traumatic stress from war that never really dissipates.
Pearl Harbor
When Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7, 1941, the Japanese planned the raid in such a manner that would surprise the enemy. No matter
what we think, we could agree the plan itself was brilliant. You have a good shot at victory if you catch the enemy off guard and attack when it is
defenseless. Further, skilled veterans understand that you don’t want to just wound the enemy so it comes back to kill you. You want to kill it. We may
apply this concept metaphorically in the workplace.
Organizations are keenly aware (especially those that have been around the legal table a few times) that winning requires the gathering of evidence
against you, especially if it is done secretly so you miss the chance to defend yourself. It is called catching you off guard. The goal is to kill your chances of
gaining anything from the employer and to get rid of you. In some cases, depending on the players involved, they aim to kill your career.
The Submarine
Keep in mind that the Japanese did not just one day decide to attack the United States and then blow up Pearl Harbor. This was a carefully planned
plot that took a long time to design and implement.
When an organization goes after an employee for termination, they have usually spent months gathering evidence before the employee realizes there
is a problem. It is hidden, (undetected) much like the submarine that secretly attacked us in Pearl Harbor. Then one day the employee is summoned to the
office with a binder of evidence staring at them, comparable to what happened to poor Ms. Miller.
It is all very strategic. Perhaps they routinely logged that John Doe was ten minutes late to work on twelve occasions within a six month time frame.
Perhaps they documented John Doe had seven customer complaints within a six month period. The technology department may have spied on John Doe’s
computer locations and determined that he was “playing” on company time. No matter what is happening at the moment, all John Doe knows is that he has
been blindsided and has no idea what is happening. When they have enough information, they may give you a warning letter or a letter of reprimand for
each incident. It depends on the situation and, again, how much power you have in the establishment and if you belong to the union.
In cases like this, the employee may have had a “gut feeling” something was wrong, but shrugged off the warning signs. Perhaps the employee may
have been isolated from events or had been singled out on one or more occasion. Maybe there was a confrontation a while back with a supervisor or some
other important person and payback time has arrived. Therefore, it is important to be consciously aware of your perceptions.
The Attack
Once you are a target and have been given warning that you have been singled out, you are now fair game. This is when the actual attacks begin. If
they want you out, they will force you on your way. It is up to you to decide how bloody you want it to be. The most dangerous forces in these situations
are the unknown enemies that, in many cases, are those closest to you.
I once knew a very prominent woman, Jill, who held a high position in a professional firm. The details, again, are irrelevant, but she was ultimately
forced out of her position by a lower ranking gentleman who wanted her job. Here is another one who was forced to hire an attorney for a contract
settlement agreement. This is where she and the organization parted ways, only they had to pay her the remaining salary for the year.
When it was all said and done, Jill was very surprised to learn through the discovery process that her secretary (who had been confiding in her about
personal matters, no less) was the very one pillaring through her drawers and cabinets to gather evidence against her. She even rummaged through her trash
to find dirt on her. Talk about a catapult attack. Jill, unsuspecting as most people tend to be, wrote a few personal letters and then threw them in the trash,
only to be salvaged by the “enemy.” The secretary and her cohorts even took the blank sheets (of garbage) from the trash can and, using light lead,
highlighted what had been previously written and erased. In addition, the technology department analyzed her work computer, assuming her personal email
from her personal computer. This was “legal” because she booted up on the work computer, which was the property of the organization.
As one might imagine, Jill felt betrayed. It was a very painful experience that transformed her forever. The only thing that is worse than betrayal
itself is betrayal by a close friend. This is why I say there really are no friends at work.
I have heard and seen so many countless similar stories throughout my career that it would be impossible to include them all in this book.
Reputation
There are so many reasons people become blacklisted and harmed that one can only suspect, but we can see that problems are likely caused by
several factors. Among these may be perceptions, personalities, communication (or lack thereof) and expectations (or failing to meet those expectations).
One other huge factor to consider is reputation. You are like a book that others have told others they have read. They talk about you and share what they
know about you. People just like to be in the know. When people talk, it spreads. Your reputation is like a sign around your neck that leads others to make
judgments about you. This can be good or bad. When it is good, it is great. When it is bad, it can be horrific.
The most uncomfortable environment is one where others are gossiping about you and damaging your reputation, all while you know you must
endure eight hours each day in this situation. The guess what I heard today game is as psychologically damaging as the untouchable tyrants we talked
about earlier who went after Mary and Sal. And it is considered a hostile work environment because you are targeted for humiliation and negativity. You
are treated as an outcast. It is emotionally, psychologically and financially damaging. This is why attorneys get rich off the multitude of cases.
In the new employee harassment training workshops (that most organizations offer to their new employees), the trainers will tell you that your
feelings are your sharpest indicator. If you feel something is wrong in the work environment, then there probably is something wrong. However, they also
discuss how illegal it is to harass, bully and defame someone. One would think Top Brass and subordinate supervisors would understand this better than
anyone else because they are the ones providing the training, but so many of them have lost their jobs for failing to comply with the law and for “breeding”
such negative work environments that they are held liable in a court of law.
I once knew someone who worked in editing and publishing. He became aware, through other writers, that he had been the subject of an investigation
to determine whether or not he had been completing certain tasks. He was appalled that the other writers were involved. When he searched deeper, he
found that the “tattle tale” had reported him to the main supervisor with allegations he had not done his job, much like the curriculum policewoman earlier.
To his amazement, this individual had questioned the entire list of writers and then called a friend who, in turn, called another friend. It was this friend that
informed the big boss of his “poor” worth ethic. It was the telephone game that we played when we were kids, only this was treachery through Alexander
Graham Bell that could have ruined this man’s career. What saved him was that he had documented all his accomplishments and had the evidence to prove
them wrong. He made them look like fools, which is a feather in his cap. Most people, however, do not keep meticulous records. This man said he decided
to cover my ass a while back when he did some extra work for the executive publisher in my previous locations and was given a written commendation. He
knew how the game worked and planned ahead for the jealousy and sabotage to come his way.
The question, again, is why do some people behave in such a treacherous manner? How can such malicious behaviors be redirected? The answer not
only lies with perception and communication, either verbal or nonverbal, but it also lies in the personal baggage that has come with us from childhood
(from some other wound yet to be healed that we will discuss later). In many cases, it is pure personality conflicts or jealousy that transmits such
aggression but this, again, goes back to those stinking misperceptions that could cause cafeteria brawls or wrongful termination.
When people are outstanding and “stand out,” there are always going to be those insecure people that feel in competition and will, consequently, pick
at them in an attempt to bring them down.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
-Sir Winston Churchill
 8. For The Employee: How to Play Your Cards
Anyone who has been or is currently in a tumultuous situation at work understands that it is like a cloud of negativity that can’t be lifted. If you are
being harassed or bullied at work, you are most likely an emotional wreck. It will follow you home at night. You dread getting up in the morning to go
back and do it again. If the situation is very bad, you are probably terrified that someone will embarrass or humiliate you because most of the time your
fears are proven correct. You are an otherwise psychologically “normal” individual that has been plagued with the most hurtful form of paranoia, the one
that proves someone is out to get you. Perhaps the organization may be forcing you into such misery to get you to leave on your own. If legal counsel is
hired, it may threaten the hand of the organization, making matters worse, as we saw earlier. The employer’s greatest wish may be your financial ruin so
that you become a threat of the past. Should you become so stressed out and emotionally unstable, you may quite on the spot. This lets the employer off the
hook in every aspect.
Once you have evaluated your situation and contemplated all sides of your dilemma, make a list of what you need. Do you have emotional support?
Do you have supportive friends or a strong family unit to provide emotional support? Depending on how bad your situation is, you may want to consider
whether or not you need professional help with your emotions because the situation could be quite taxing on relationships. It is stressful on loved ones
when you naturally obsess and perseverate on the treachery that is throwing you into ruin. Professional assistance may “ground” your emotions and provide
an outlet for your instability.
Now let us discuss some strategies to incorporate into your action plan.
1. First, keep your own confidence and trust no one in the organization, especially when the most compassionate ones arrive at your door to offer
support. Many times these are “plants” that have been directed to befriend you and then report right back to the powers that be.
2. It is important that you are confident in your ability to manipulate those around you, just like the “plants” have come to do to you. Someone once
told me never let ‘em see you sweat. This is very true. People have the tendency to use your weakness against you. They will hurt you the worst at
your weakest point. In this case, you may use reverse psychology and employ the tactics of others against their own chartered manipulation. The best
way to hurt your enemy (in this situation) is to give a great big, wordless smile.
3. You may want to get it all in writing. Every possible transaction should be in written words. It is wise to carbon copy emails to your personal
account.
4. Now we will contradict what we just said and put nothing in writing because the enemy is using the same strategy. Make sure you are one step
ahead at all times. Whenever someone sends you an email with questions or requests, it is safe to respond in a way that forces them to call you at
your extension. “Thanks, John. I will be in my office at noon. Please call me at extension 222 so we can discuss all the details in this matter.”
5. You may want to avoid putting anything in writing (about your situation) on work grounds. Your shredder is your protection. You may want to
keep a portfolio of documentation at home in your personal files.
6. It is creative to devise a schizophrenic pattern of locations. If you park in one place all the time, it is easier for others to track your patterns. This
may be avoided if you vary your parking locations and entrance doorways, should the opportunity arise. Also, you may want to avoid a daily routine.
This makes it more difficult for others to watch and document you for a paper trail. It creates greater confusion (on the other side) and it may also
bring forward the “hidden” enemies that are against you. If they have a difficult time obtaining information on their own, they may come forward to
try to weed it out of you. When someone asks a question, they are fishing for something. Pay attention to the questions and, most importantly, notice
who is doing the asking.
7. Try to avoid posting on social media. Any type of information is too much information because anything may be misinterpreted or used against
you. It also leaves you open for others to find your personal contacts. Others may then check up on you.
8. Although tape recording may be illegal, it may be wise to invest in a small voice recorder so that you can request the conversation be taped if you
are called into the office.
9. It is wise to bring a writing tablet and pen to meetings. If you scribe everything that is said, it will empower you and create the perception that
you are gathering information to, perhaps, use against them.
10. You may make it a point to avoid using personal email at work. If you read your personal email that is rerouted from your work computer, they
may have access (the legal right) to your information. You may also want to turn your phone off and lock it up in a safe place. This refutes the made
up perception that you are on the phone all the time while you should be working. In addition, it is wise to lock your phone with a password. This
protects your information should you accidentally leave it in the restroom stall.
11. It is wise to compartmentalize emotions. There may be certain “plants” that have set out to incite your anger or force your emotional hand. These
explosive emotions will show that you are an unstable person. You run the risk of ending up on some dreadful cyber place that will put a nail in your
professional coffin.
12. If you feel the need to take a stress leave, it could be smart to find an alternative reason for the absence. A doctor’s note for emotional stress leave
could follow you because your medical records could be subpoenaed. Although you may need this “stress” leave documented for your case, you run
the risk of being labeled a “crazy” person that needed a shrink. You must weigh how much this could affect your career.
13. You may also want to see a psychologist outside of your medical coverage. If you are covered by work insurance, they may subpoena your
medical records and get a court order to force your psychologist to discuss your case. You may want to determine if that would help or hurt your
cause. Perhaps it is time to consult legal counsel. If you visit a psychologist outside of your medical group (one that is not documented in your files),
it may be easier to keep hidden. He or she may remain unknown to your employer. Again, it depends on your situation.
14. You may want to bring some soothing background music to work and play it low volume in your office. This will help alter your mood and,
perhaps, act as a calming force.
15. It is wise to keep a journal of daily events. This documentation will assist you in your legal battle. Even the smallest things may be of great value
to legal counsel.
16. While you are in this terrible predicament, it may be a great time to explore other careers or educational programs to advance your status. This
will give you some hope for a “better” future and may build your confidence. At least you could be working toward another goal while dealing with
your current demise.
17. It may be helpful to take some time to network with other professionals outside of your work environment. It helps to see colleagues with whom
you used to work. Perhaps there is a chance to relocate “back” to your previous placed of employment.
18. You may want to avoid telling people outside of the organization what is going on. You do not know who knows who. If you talk to someone at
your church, for instance, and this person knows another person that works at Target who, in turn, tells someone else, this person may know someone
at your current employment. It could have dangerous consequences. You may also want to avoid telling those at your previous places of employment
about your current woes because you run the risk of someone from your past checking up on your present situation. This conspiracy could be your
total demise. Play it safe by saying nothing.
19. It is helpful if you know how to read the codes around you. As we discussed earlier, people are constantly sending perceptions and clues. If you
listen to their body language and watch what their eyes say, you will gain valuable information. If they do not look you in the eye (when they used to
offer eye contact), then it is a dead give away that something is wrong. There may be an enemy lurking somewhere because eyes rarely lie.
20. It is also helpful to reconnect with former colleagues to see if anyone from your present situation has made phone calls about you. We have a few
cases of this kind of treachery in this book. There are laws that protect you from defamation of character, and most common folks are unaware of all
the laws. This could be a great asset to your case.
21. You may also want to consider that the only way you really “win” your case in a court of law is to prove that you were harmed (damaged) in
some form. If you wish to take it all the way, then you will probably need to prove damages. Is it worth it to settle for less outside of court, like some
of the subjects we talked about? Can you withstand allowing yourself to get so damaged that you have a chance of winning? Your legal counsel may
advise you on the particulars of your case.
22. You could possibly hire an outside agency to perform reference checks for you. Should you receive a terrible reference when you have been given
no indication of this, you could use this as damages. This is a legal question for your legal counsel.
23. Again, you may want to consider walking away. Is it too much trouble? Will it cost too much? This is a question for your legal counsel.
24. It is wise to fully understand that everything you do is most likely suspect and scrutinized. It is smart to make sure you follow the contract to the
letter or follow your job description to the core.
25. You may want to assume you are being followed and act accordingly. If you have a worker’s compensation case, chances are great that a private
investigator may be following you. You have become the enemy and will most likely be treated as such.
26. You may also want to protect your information at home. It is wise to use a shredder because someone may be rummaging in your recycle bin after
hours to gather evidence against you.
27. If you have a high profile, it is wise to avoid news reporters at all costs.
28. It is safe to calculate your costs and benefits. If you know you are on your way out, for example, then you may want to evaluate how much time
and money it will require. Is it worth investing in a drawn out fight?
29. You may want to search the internet for your name and “scrub” any negativity that surfaces. You can contact all the search engines and ask that
they delete all information that lists your name. This takes time and effort, but it can be done. You may also want to scrub any positive information
about you, such as an article introducing you to your previous job upon hiring. This helps avert the “nosey ones” who wish to call your previous or
present employer to damage you.
30. You may want to avoid discussing the details of your case in a public place. It can be a small world. If you are in a restaurant, for example, you
run the risk of someone in the next booth overhearing your confidential information, especially if this person knows your enemy. I have seen this
happen before. Call it a fluke incident, but it can be a very small and dangerous world. Take no chances with your financial situation, and never take
a chance on giving your enemy ammunition that can potentially destroy you.
Guilt by Association
One common mistake people make when they start a new job is making friends too soon. It is wise to become familiar with the culture and the power
players before making friends. Otherwise, it can be professional suicide because you don’t know all the players. You have yet to learn the dynamics of the
organization and who has already been branded for annihilation or termination, since people are constantly perceiving things, and you could be guilty by
association.
When my friend, Kathy, first started teaching years ago, she was attacked from the side, if I may speak metaphorically. While innocently walking
through the lunch room to purchase a diet coke from the machine, she was approached by a teacher sitting with a crowd of people at the table. The teacher
asked Kathy if she had a certain student in her class. The conversation lasted only a few moments. What could be the harm in “politely” conversing with a
colleague? Kathy then purchased her coke and went on her way.
About two days later, however, a teacher barged into her classroom in the morning before the bell. “If you feel the need to ‘police’ the lunch room,
then perhaps you should come directly to me first instead of tattling on me!” He ordered.
Perplexed and aghast, Kathy had no response. After a lengthy reprisal, Mr. Doe explained that he and several colleagues were having a “deep”
conversation about the administrator, and it “somehow” got back to the powers that be. Consequently, he had been called in by the “big boss” and, as his
reaction suggested, it was not good. He assumed Kathy was the culprit because she happened to be walking to the machine at the wrong time and then
made the mistake of chatting with the crowd at the table, which happened to be the group of people with whom Mr. Doe was in deep battle over last
semester’s professional development training.
There was nothing Kathy could have done to rectify the situation because it is impossible to prove a negative. She listened to his concerns and
offered the truth, but she was too new to have established a reputation that would refute the “tattler” perception. It was up to him to believe her or not. The
situation was resolved, but it took a while for her to build a reputation that was contrary to “popular” belief.
In situations as this, we have no direct control because we never know who is going to think what or who knows who. We can only be true to
ourselves and remain loyal to the truth. Eventually, Mr. Doe and the staff came to realize how wrong they were about Kathy. It is important to note, though,
that Kathy helped herself by refusing to engage (emotionally) in this type of negativity. This is the moral to this story. No matter what, be positive and keep
your own confidence. Had she became emotionally involved and “hurt” and then confided in several other employees, she would have made it impossible
to overcome this negative start. She would have “chosen sides” and the gossip mill would have claimed her as the enemy who was not to be trusted.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
-Jimi Hendrix
 9. Getting it Right
Whether you are an employee, bullied and forced out, or an employer, who wants to get rid of an employee, it is much better for your reputation
to proceed on the up-and-up. How are you handling your situation? If you are an employee, have you taken inventory of why this is happening to you? If
you are an employer, have you taken inventory of how you treat your employees? Are your employees being treated the way you, yourself, wish to be
treated? Both parties should take a step back to evaluate “your” current standing.
If you are an employer and are trying to terminate an employee, have you exhausted all “legitimate” avenues by giving the employee opportunities
for improvement? Are your expectations clearly defined so that your employees understand what they must achieve for success in your organization? Have
you been fair and has your organization treated others the way you, yourself, would like to be treated? Are your leaders behaving in an honorable fashion?
Are your supervisors managers or leaders? Do you have subordinate managers that violate labor laws, which are getting you and your organization into
trouble? If you don’t know the answer, check your attorney’s fees. What figure have you accumulated in the past five years? What type of leadership style
do you possess and do your “leaders” within your organization mirror your leadership style?
If you are an employee, are you in a contractual position where a “buy out” or mutual agreement is needed? Are you tenured? Are you a brand new
employee? Do you require legal counsel to speak on your behalf? The higher up you are on the financial food chain, the more exposure your case might
have for both employee and employer. If you are a high profile political figure, for example, your case will most likely need legal counsel and
communication expertise. If you are not in contractual agreement, you may want to research the labor laws to see if any codes have been violated. It is
worthy to note that organizations have ways of talking to one another. If you have a settlement at one organization, then your case may follow you, unless
you have a sealed file included in your agreement.
Once you have defined your organization, then you may establish your priorities. How far are you willing to go to get what you want and how much
money are you willing to spend? Do you work for a government institution and are there union guidelines? Have you followed them? More importantly,
how much does your reputation cost? Most organizations care less about the money because they have lawyers retained for personnel matters, but it is their
reputation they should be willing to protect. Although most employers can be damaging to their staff, they don’t realize how damaging the employee can
be to the company. Is it worth it to you?
The surest way to reveal one’s character is not through adversity but by giving them power.
-Abraham Lincoln
 10. For the Employer: How to Play it Right
I have always found that “good” people in leadership roles understand how difficult it is to terminate an employee. Most people do not enjoy giving
pink slips. The majority of effective leaders agonize over firing someone, especially if there is a family involved. Who wants to fire someone with three
kids to feed? It is not a pleasant duty. The tyrants, however, act as though it is second nature, almost as though crucifying someone is a hobby, if I may
speak candidly. The purpose of this section is to pose a series of questions that will help in restructuring your system.
In no way do I intend to minimize the infractions committed by poor employees. The “poor” employee creates his own demise and, many times,
forces the employer into a hell of its own. It can be a brutal, exasperating experience when you have a “poor” employee that you need terminated from the
system, especially if it is a tenured (union) individual that does not do his or her job properly. I have seen plenty of poor employees in my time that
deserved to be terminated, and we will talk about this. However, there are standard procedures that should be in place to which everyone within the
organization must adhere. The employees will follow the leader, as the leader sets a primary example for others.
Just as we shared helpful tips to the “bullied” employee a while ago, let us share some useful tips with the Top Brass of an organization.
1. A sound, successful organization is based on general fairness. Do you employ “fair” practices in your establishment? Are employees treated
equally? Perhaps there may be a slight edge given to men, women, minorities, majorities, certain age groups, or just plain favored people that are in
“good” with the leaders- the good old boy or gal network. This is something to assess. This is easy to detect because this unfairness permeates the
system and creates resentment among the employees. Someone, somewhere, is bound to spill the beans. Sometimes this happens without conscious
awareness of the leaders, just like a teacher may subconsciously favor a student. The key is to become conscious of all unconscious things in your
organization so that you can improve your system.
2. A sound, successful organization permeates equity. Is the establishment consumed with equity in that all employees are given the same
opportunities? Are certain employees “targeted” for promotions and stepping ladders up the chain? Do you put more confidence in some employees
and leave the others out to pasture? A fracture of this sort is easy to detect because you will see much fraternizing among the ranks, which creates a
division among the employees. It is called favoritism. It never works in the long run. A successful organization allows ample opportunity for all and
avoids mingling and fraternizing. This is something to explore. A problem as such can be easily fixed by “mixing” the pot and routinely transferring
leadership to alternate locations. Some organizations need a fresh start.
3. A sound, successful organization is based on general fairness and provides clear expectations. Does your organization have clear expectations for
all employees? Do your employees know exactly what they need to do to be successful? Do you have an employee handbook with distinct policies
and procedures? You can’t go wrong if everything is in writing. More importantly, do your rules apply to all or just some of the staff? This is
transparent because you may begin to notice that you have a credibility problem on your hands. Employees will turn away from this type of
management. Resentment will take over your establishment and those “favored” may be targeted for negative treatment by the other workers. They
may be the “bullied” ones.
4. A sound, successful organization is built on a strong framework of boundaries and clear expectations. Do you have a consistent framework of
boundaries and expectations? What kind of behaviors do you expect from employees? This is modeled from the top down. Do your supervisors
conduct themselves in a professional manner? Are verbal and nonverbal communications offered without the hint of romantic or sexual connotations
or implied invitations? This is easy to detect by the language people use and the codes they put forth. Just sit back in the lunch room and watch the
interactions. An observation can sometimes tell you all you need to hear. If you see things that don’t look right, then you may have a future lawsuit
pending right before your eyes. It is called sexual harassment.
5. A sound, successful organization is built with consistency and structure. Is your system run with consistent directives and mandatory events
scheduled ahead of time? If not, it can affect the entire morale of your system. This is easy to detect by the nonverbal expressions on employees’
faces. A poorly run system is chaotic with same day meetings called without warning. This tells the employees you don’t respect their time. It also
tells them you are not prepared for your job. How about routine errors that dampen the credibility of leadership? If schedules are designed
incorrectly, forcing the employees to adapt, it creates perceived hardship on the part of your employees. They are picking up the load for your
leaders. This creates resentment. When there is a lack of consistency and communication (when the left hand does not know what the right hand is
doing) it is harmful to the system. Corporations may lose millions of dollars. Government agencies may be inundated with complaints and pending
legal action. It is called incompetence. This is easy to detect because employees will go above the chain of command and start banging down the door
of Top Brass for some relief. When this happens, you know you have a huge problem. This is where Top Brass makes the mistake of “covering up”
for their incompetent managers, protecting them at the cost of their organization. This creates chaos, and an organization will implode from within
because of major chaos. The wise ones take a stand now, no matter how painful, and clean out the closet before it becomes seemingly
insurmountable.
6. A sound, successful organization hires good leaders that are successful at leading. This is a personality thing. This is when Top Brass has a “good
eye” for “good” leaders. Sometimes this skill has nothing to do with personnel training, but everything to do with perception. These are the good
models who know how to manage a system. This is easy to detect. Just look at past practice. Which person (or people ) within your organization has
had success with hiring? Perhaps this is where you should return to add more hires to your payroll.
7. A sound, successful organization trains leaders to comprehend the law and follow the true meaning of ethics. Successful organizations have
leaders who know the laws. It is as simple as that. On the first day of the job, they hand a union contract to their leaders and direct them to read it, or
they hand a packet of labor laws their way and have them become familiar with its content. They may invest in copies of the Ed. Code, if they are in
the field of education. That is the smart way to avoid legal problems. If there is no union, then the leaders become familiar with labor law language. If
there is a union, leaders become very familiar with contract guidelines. Good leaders work with union leaders for the good of the organization. Notice
I did not say “for the good of Top Brass.” Many times those at the top will manipulate the union leaders for the sole purpose of job protection. In
government institutions, the slick leaders get the unions on their side at the expense of the employees sometimes. This may eventually divide the
system and force out the union leaders, and it may even pit the employees against all Top Brass within the system. This is easy to detect. Just
examine the “trust” the workers have in the union. Since most union representatives seek to establish relationships with management, it could
interfere with adequate representation of members. Someone always wants a “pay off” or favor returned, and sometimes the bargaining member gets
shafted. I have seen this many times. This is the primary reason to seek union representation “off site,” from another location, where site
representatives are not so friendly with managers.
8. A sound, successful organization invests in additional leadership training, which includes communication and interpersonal relations training.
This is evident when you assess your personnel files. How many “problem” cases does Human Resources have to clean up after and resolve? What
kind of disputes are taking place within your organization? What kind of arbitration was needed? Perhaps it is a problem with leadership that is
causing the problem or maybe a certain location within your organization that has some “bad seeds.” Whatever the problem is, you can see it point
blank when you review the discord. The files in your storage paint a true profile of what is going on within your system.
9. A sound, successful organization constantly reflects on its strengths and weaknesses and makes the necessary changes to take it to the next level.
If you want to know what you are doing “wrong,” then it is best to explore what others are doing right. Many organizations have very few legal cases
pending against them. What strengths can you borrow from those that are getting it “right?” Do they follow the step-by-step process for termination?
 Do they go after “bad” employees and hammer them with bullying and harassment? Did they consult legal counsel before “going after someone” to
get them out of the system?
10. A sound, successful organization does not breed negativity. This is the space junk we outline in this book. Do you have a zero tolerance for
bullying, harassment and defamation? Do you stress boundaries with your new employees and then reinforce them with your veteran workers?
11. A sound, successful organization is a continual work in progress with its people at the core. “Happy” organizations have effective leaders who
actually listen to their employees. Do you listen to your people? Do your people feel successful? Are all employees heard and acknowledged, or are
just a few “shining stars” recognized by the Top Brass in your organization?
12. A sound, successful organization includes its people in the decision-making process. The most successful business models are those that invite
their employees as shareholders in the profits. Do you allow your employees to share in the decision-making process? Do you follow through with
these decisions, or do you just let your employees think they have a say and then manipulate them to do what your leadership wants done? If you
truly work in concert with your people, they will invest more. They will now have a personal investment in your organization.
13. A sound, successful organization is based on fair practices. The most successful people in history have been those that were given free reign to
express creativity. They were not micromanaged and scrutinized at every turn. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and Luis Pasteur
invented penicillin. Both inventors were intrinsically motivated. They were not handed a formula for how, what and why they should invent
something. They acquired the knowledge and then ran with it. Let us apply this to your situation. Do you encourage independent thinking and
creative inventions? Do you micromanage everything and try to control your people and all that they could produce?
14. A sound, successful organization chooses its leaders carefully. Do you know the strengths and weaknesses in your people and then delegate
leadership to those who can and will handle the tasks? Do you put the friendly and “noticed” people in leadership positions because you like them?
Putting non-leaders in leadership positions can be disastrous in more ways than one. First, it can create friction among colleagues. Jealousy sets in.
Resentment thrives and rebellion begins. Effective leadership knows how to avoid such problems by acknowledging the strengths in each individual,
not by rewarding those who “kiss up” to the boss. Wise Brass understands that the best leaders are those that would rather not govern at all.
15. A sound, successful organization supports its leaders in taking care of business. Do you support your leaders when they need to terminate
someone? Do you make sure that they have followed the correct termination procedures? Do you pay special attention to complaints that come forth
about specific administrators or leaders? Are these employees truly “bad apples” that need to be terminated, or is their some foul play on behalf of
“bad leaders” that must be addressed? Effective “Top Brass” knows how to do this without humiliating and harassing their people. They simply
follow the law and follow policy and procedures of the organization. When they need to terminate an employee, they do so without vacillating and
fish-tailing with indecision. Most importantly, they rid the system of the problem, even if the problem is an embedded, poor leader who has been with
the organization for twenty years.
16. A sound, successful organization supports its leaders by bringing out the best in them. Do your leaders have integrity? Do they follow through
with promises to employees? Are they trustworthy? Are they dependable? Effective leaders function as resources to support their employees in doing
their jobs. Do they keep it professional and positive? Do they quell rumors and put a stop to that which would hurt a member of their team in their
absence? This is a strong leader. Do they discipline those that are violating the law by defamation of character? Are you sure that they do not play
favorites or take sides for anything other than doing the right thing? Do they give praise where praise is due, or do they offer blankets of praise that
“umbrellas” everyone? Most importantly, do they act like effective leaders that take care of problems, rather than brush them under the rug hoping
they will disappear?
17. A sound, successful organization provides feedback to its employees. If you have employees that are “problems,” have you done performance
evaluations that address each concern you have? Do you tell the truth to your employees? It is not easy to tell an employee you question his or her
judgment or tactics, but it is dangerous to act in a perfunctory manner.
18. A sound, successful organization finds a happy-medium when it comes to reasons for termination. Although it can create a personnel nightmare to
give specific reasons for termination (employees can hire legal counsel to fight the charges), it is most tactful to leave a laundry list behind the
employee so that he or she is well aware that the termination is ahead. This is done through documentation and evaluations. It is also done through
conferencing with your employees. This way the person is not blindsided by a pink slip or catapulted with a fist pounding on a desk. Legal counsel
may guide you in protecting the organization while balancing the integrity (of the organization) at the same time. Many employers use simple lines
designed to minimize the damage, but it can be dishonest. We are downsizing. We are reorganizing our system. Avoiding the truth can backfire in the
worst way possible. A disgruntled employee can hire a good attorney that may put your organization in jeopardy, as Sal and Marla did. Thus, by first
trying to protect the organization, you possibly end up jeopardizing the system.
19. A sound, successful organization is always transforming and adapting to the better. Top Brass in successful organizations often reflect on their
daily practices. It is also wise to make a list of common concerns throughout your organization. List the problems that exist. If you look hard enough,
you can find the common denominator. Many times the problem infiltrates the entire system. This is typical with poor management where bullying
runs throughout the system. This is easy to detect. All you have to do is listen to what the employees say and examine the employee complaints in the
personnel files. If people tell you they are unhappy, believe them and then do something about it.
20. A sound, successful organization has the right people doing the hiring. This could be one person, or it could be a panel of people. Whatever it is, it
is proven to be successful. Do you seek the best hiring practice for your system, or do you go with the latest trend? This may be collecting several
“stakeholders” (if I may use an overused term: those from different parts of the organization or from different academic levels (as is the candidate).
This is a common error made in the educational system. In addition, if you are doing the hiring, do you follow your gut instinct, or do you overlook
red flags? When you are interviewing a candidate, do you listen to what the person is not telling you, along with the verbal answers they provide?

Moreover, how do you generate your interview questions? Do you use the standard rate the candidate questions that require an overall score? How
does this work for you? If you have a knowledgeable candidate who specializes in electricity generation, for example, and is rated by two members
of the panel, (1) an office clerk and (2) a PTA board member with a high school education (both of whom have no knowledge of electrical
generation), then how do they rate the candidate’s answers? Is this fair to the candidate to be (possibly) graded down in an interview by those that do
not understand the candidate’s academic language?

This happens often in education because as many have argued, we are “de-professionalizing” education through too much collaboration by inviting a
panel of seven people from the organization. When a hospital wants to hire a doctor, for instance, do they call in the patients to sit on the interview
panel? No, they do not. Then why is education any different? Perhaps this hiring/interview process is the very reason those in the field of education
suffer from such poor hiring, which may be the reason there is a problem in education with harassment, bullying, and intimidation. Perhaps leaders
and teams are not able to hire who they want. They succumb to the wishes of the entire interview panel by going with the favored candidate. This is
unfortunate because some of the best candidates may be nervous in interviews and “flunk” the answers; thus, leaving the more rehearsed candidate
with a higher score. And the bullshit artist gets the job. Once on the job, the problems begin. This is really a problem if Top Brass is hiring leaders in
powerful positions.
 Is each person on the panel qualified to evaluate the candidate on certain performance indicators? Have they (themselves) done the job; thus,
qualifying them to rate the interview questions? Is it a case of wanting to “collaborate” and include colleagues in the hiring process because this is the
way “experts” claim it should be done? If you have problems in this area, perhaps you may ponder researching successful practices for hiring good
candidates. Study what works and, most importantly, make notes of what does not work.
21. A sound, successful organization balances employee collaboration with leadership decision making. Sometimes companies go under because they
promote too much collaboration among employees while they avoid making concrete decisions. These are the poor leaders who worry their people
will not like them; therefore, they let the employees make all the decisions. In addition, they tell people what they want to hear to please them, which
creates an environment of mistrust. This is not good. Your employees will respect you if you tell them the truth, even if the truth is unpleasant. The
most successful leaders do the right things, even if they are unpopular.

Many times leaders must step up to the plate and make decisions with which employees don’t agree. If you do the right things, your people will
respect you. Respect is more important than likability. The worst leader is one that rarely makes a decision and then turns right around to tell each
employee what they want to hear. This permeates mistrust in its most dangerous form.
Words of Wisdom
No matter how we reflect on our discussion, workplace bullying and harassment does not benefit anyone except the lawyers. At the same time,
employers have an obligation to rid the system of poor employees who are not performing up to standard. How do you find the balancing act to do just that
and abide by the law at the same time? We will talk at length in later chapters about the psychological aspect of our discussion.
Some people are not matches for organizations. Some are not even a match for certain jobs or careers. It must be understood that leaders have an
obligation to the other employees to weed out the bad and “perfect” the good. This can be a painful process for the leader. The outcome is best if it is done
respectably. If you are an employer, do you want to be “branded” as a tyrannical system from which prospective applicants shy away? The buck stops with
you, wherever you may stand at this moment. Your reputation is very important, and lawsuits are expensive.
In addition to the psychological damage, we should talk about the dangers of a hostile environment. You never know how someone is going to react
after being pushed to the edge. When employees are harassed, bullied and harmed, they tend to lash back. Unfortunately, those within the system have a
tendency to shy away or look the other way. This can take the form of betrayal, too. If you thought you had “friends” at work that secretly plotted against
you, it can be difficult to digest. Your trust was violated, which, of course, generates anger and rage. This is what we call going postal. How many times
have we read in the news that a person went nuts and shot up a location with a machine gun, killing and wounding people? Think about that for a moment.
Something triggered this insane act that cost many lives, and sometimes they are not insane people. They are otherwise normal individuals who are pushed
over the edge. They don’t know how to channel the emotional pain so they explode.
Let us add more dirty items to the pile. If someone does not explode by taking it out on everyone else, they might implode by taking it out on
themselves. Once we are scorned or betrayed, it stays with us until the trauma is released. Some people never release it. The scorn stays with them and
turns them into a miserable people. The “stored” suspicion and betrayal makes it more difficult for us to create new beginnings. It can become an
impossible situation for many as they may begin rehearsing the same wounds in their mind, hoping for vindication and vengeance that may or may not
come some day. As I say in my book Married Players and the Women That Worship Them, it takes a lot of hard work to heal the wounds from betrayal and
treachery.
If you are the employer, you may want to ask yourself if this wearing down process is warranted. Perhaps you have been hiring applicants that are
not a match for your system and, perhaps, your managers may need additional training in personnel hiring? Perhaps you are hiring the wrong leaders to
manage your system. Maybe they don’t model your leadership style. We will soon discuss various leadership styles to help assist you in your inventory. No
matter what the answer, you have a serious problem if you are accused of workplace bullying.
Only you are familiar with your system. If you or someone you know is reading this book, chances are great that someone close to you is hurting. If
not, perhaps you are an employer seeking to evaluate your labor practices. If this is the case, then you may have some doubts about your organization or
may be seeking new ways to improve the climate for your employees. No matter what, the time for change is now. To do just that requires an in-depth
understanding of human nature and why we are as we are. Why do some people get bullied? Better yet, why do others behave in harmful ways that hurt
others? The most costly question of all is why can’t people just all get along and do their jobs?
To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.
-Abraham Maslow
 11. The Root Causes of Problems in the Workplace
If we want to find a solution to the bullied at work problem, it is wise to study the behaviors of victims and bullies. Let us explore basic human
psychology so that we may get our arms around the origins of conflict in the workplace.
During the course of my career, I was not surprised to find a direct link, or correlation, from bullied kids (twenty years ago) to bullied employees
(presently) in the workplace. No matter where we go, there we are. Some, however, do complete a major transformation with much needed change, but that
takes hard work, discipline and enlightenment. Most people don’t do enough work to change because they are stuck in the unawareness phase of existence.
Thus, bullying becomes a problem for everyone within the establishment: coworkers, management, staff, board members, stock holders, and anyone else
who is invested in the system. Most people do not understand enough about bullying to stop it, and many establishments that “breed” bullying are those
that tell everyone to get along and play nice while they look the other way. They may even teach everyone within the system to bully. They do not handle
the problem, so it escalates, much like ignoring a small crack in a water pipe. If you look the other way, the pipe will eventually burst, and it is usually
when you least expect it. They create the hostile work environment and then expect attorneys to do damage control to protect the company bank account.
Thus, the cycle continues.
The Victim
If we want to study workplace bullying to resolve this costly problem in the adult work force, then perhaps we should study the kids. How often do
educators face the challenge of putting a stop to bullying in schools? The problem is so bad that congress recently passed the Safe Schools Improvement Act
to put a halt to such destructive behaviors. Kids were dying. Lives were destroyed because of the suicides and homicides resulting from bullying. With all
the education and new laws, we are still unable to fix the problem. This is because the problem itself is much larger than we imagine and the tentacles reach
all the way back to childhood. It is a fundamental social skills problem that no one can seem to get their arms around. And, unfortunately, there are few
differences between bullying in high school and adult bullying in the workplace. Let us explore this fact.
We all carry within us the inner child from out past. While reading Mom, They’re Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems by
Lawrence Cohen and colleagues, I came across some stellar information that is applicable to adult bullying in the workplace. If we think about it, we
humans are (in the moment) a culmination of all the experiences we have had to date. If you were bitten twice by two dogs when you were young, then you
may be more likely to be afraid of dogs than others that had no prior history with dogs. If you were kidnapped by aliens when you were seven- years old,
you may live with paranoid fear of aliens abducting you in the night. We are the results of our primary experiences. Our feelings and reactions to these
feelings originate from our experiences. The approval or disapproval of others taught us what we get from others if we react certain ways. If a baby kicks
and screams until he gets his bottle, he has realized that he gets a pay off from kicking and screaming. If you run for the bottle and the baby stops crying,
the child has trained you to give him what he wants.
Therefore, our reactions are learned patterns of behavior. The little boy that sulks in the corner until his mommy returns has been taught that it is
okay to avoid interactions with others and pout until his comfort returns. The little girl that kicks the boys and threatens those that come near her has been
taught that kicking is the best way to keep boys away from her. The little boy who has been beaten with the belt at home learns that he can make others fear
him the way he fears his father if he uses his fist, threatening bodily harm. The little girl that has been beaten by her mother learns that fighting back can
cause more bodily harm, so she cowers to a bully that loves power and control over the weaker being.
When we were young, we were taught to become who we are today. Our environment and experiences, along with genetic benefactors, frame our
being. We are conditioned to do certain things, just like Pavlov trained his dog to salivate for food every time he rang the bell. It is amazing, however, that
we teach our kids to walk, talk, eat and control their bowels, but we assume they will automatically learn how to get along with others without the same
training. Can you imagine expecting a two-year old to generate a straight stream of urine into the toilet without ever showing him how a male uses the
toilet? Imagine that. Most parents promote some type of training, even if it is just yelling at the poor child. What about friendship skills? We somehow
figure they will magically learn to be popular.
During my training for my degree in counseling, I watched a unique interchange between parent and child. The young boy was approximately four-
years old and was feeling his way down the ladder to the water in a shallow pool. He seemed quite curious and fearful of the other kids positioned on the
other side of the pool, so he kept one eye on Mommy. I must say this was a rare and wonderful demonstration of excellent parenting skills. “Would you
like to be my friend?” The mother recited slowly so that her son could not only hear her, but model her invitation to friendship. The little boy looked at his
mother and then mumbled what she had just said, but he was reluctant to demonstrate her offer just yet. “It’s okay, Joey, move your foot down and jump in
the water. Would you like to be my friend?” The mother instructed and then repeated once more. She then moved closer to her son and then meandered
toward the other children so he could follow her with his eyes. Once Joey saw his mother approach the children, he did so as well. And then he recited the
question his mother taught him to ask. “Would you like to be my friend?” He then felt confident and smiled brightly, peeking back at his mother for
reassurance. The other kids embraced him and began swimming with him. He was learning social skills. This parent was clearly knowledgeable on the
subject and put forth the necessary effort to assist her child.
The problem with our society is that kids learn from their caregivers, and many parents are (themselves) bullies or victims. The kids become replicas
of the adults in their homes, or they become products of trying to survive the horror in their homes. No surprise there. Apples never fall far from the trees
and, from my experience as an administrator, there were many bad apples that fell into the school setting. Then the parents wondered why their kids were
bullies or victims of bullying. It then became my problem, the school’s problem, and it was up to us, the school district, to “fix” the problem. Eventually
employers inherit the problem when the kids grow into adults and enter the work force. Therefore, it is everyone’s problem.
We are a product of our environment, and we need to be taught good from bad and right from wrong. We learn more by what we see in our
environment than what we are verbally taught. It is the old adage, “Children that live with criticism learn to condemn.” This is so true. An abused child has
a tendency to take the anger out on others, just like an abused adult may have the same tendency to bully others. A neglected child has a tendency to
withdraw from others, just like an abused adult may unknowingly reject others, appearing awkward and unfriendly; thus, functioning as a bully magnet.
Friendship skills have to be taught, assumed or modeled in some way. According to Cohen, “Friendship skills are built through thousands upon
thousands of tiny interactions between the child and trusted adult and later between the child and his or her peers.” It is a direct correlation. The way we
related to our caretakers may be similar to the way we relate to the world. “Where you fall on the social hierarchy status, whether or not you are accepted,
well-liked, wildly unpopular, may all be the result of painful memories of childhood.” The child then grows into adulthood, and the adult is now the hurt
child in a bigger body.
Thus, our past keeps creeping into our present lives while we try to fit ourselves into the world exactly the way it is. The way we handle the problems
with which we are faced is determined by the type of emotional attachment we had as infants with our caregivers. Were we protected and taken care of?
Were our needs met? Were we neglected and abused? This is where we learned the comfort zone of the world. Is it a safe place, or do we have to constantly
be on guard, fighting the world for our survival needs? This all may seem trivial, but it is the determining factor of how people react. A strong attachment
during this time in infancy is the best predictor of “good” peer relationships. This idea makes perfect sense because our caretakers showed us whether or
not we could trust the world by whether or not they met our needs. This is exemplified by little Joey who kept leaning on his mother while crawling along
the water to make friends.
When we become adults, we still view the world from the same telescope our caregivers gave us, and then we repeat the same behaviors that produce
the same results, either good or bad. Therefore, it is essential that we understand the importance of attachment when trying to get our arms around the
Bullied at Work problem.
Infant Attachment and Adult Social Skills
Attachment, as quoted in Cohen’s book,
“…is the word psychologists use to describe a home base, a place for the child to start from and return to in between explorations. From
the infant’s point of view, attachment comes from being soothed when she is upset and from lively play when she is happy. From the adult’s
point of view, attachment is a matter of responding to the child’s needs, mirroring the child’s facial expressions and emotions, and falling in
love with this incredible new human being. The kind of social creature you are depends on three forces: temperament, rate of development, and
experience. Human beings are born with a certain kind of temperament.”

It is important to continue quoting this to grasp the entire concept because it sets the stage for our entire lives in work and in play. It molds our
personalities and our ability to build, maintain and sustain relationships. It is the core of our being because it is the deciding factor on whether or not we
have the ability to cultivate relationships of any kind, which ties into our bully discussion.
“When an infant’s cup is kept full, refilled consistently whenever it is emptied by hunger, tiredness, loneliness, or being hurt, then the
attachment is a sturdy one. Of course, not all attachments are this idyllic. Every child experiences frustration and loss. If the attachment has
gone fairly well, all the basics are there for later friendship development. Just as good friendships are the best indicator of adult happiness, good
attachment is the best predictor of good peer relationships. Therefore, good attachments work its magic by the groundwork you laid snuggling
close with your infant. These skills are built up slowly through parenting and care giving.”

They stay with us a lifetime. According to Cohen, the essential friendship skills are as follows:
• The enjoyment of the company of others
• A capacity for reciprocity, turn taking, cooperation and sharing
• Empathy
• Realistic, generally positive expectations that allow you to approach the world with confidence
• Problem-solving ability
• The ability to regulate aggressive impulses and other emotions
• The ability to read emotions, especially subtle and mixed emotions
• The ability to tolerate frustration
• The ability to “hold others in mind” (to be able to put oneself in another’s shoes)
• Trust that others can and will hold you in mind
• Self-disclosure –the willingness and ability to show vulnerability
It is clearly evident how each skill can be tied directly into conflict at work. If someone does not have the ability to reciprocate and take turns, for
example, then he or she will run into direct conflict with others on the job. Similarly, if someone does not have the ability to tolerate frustration, then he or
she runs the risk of emotional outbursts that cause problems in the workplace. The most important skill is learning the enjoyment of the company of others.
If someone does not like to be around people, then what happens when he or she is forced to interact with coworkers? They may have inappropriate
responses that cause harm to the culture or feel of the work environment. No matter where we go or where we are, we stand a much better chance of getting
along if we are friendly and open ourselves to the friendship of others.
Given this information, it is easier to understand the strong connection between friendship (at any age) and early attachment. There is a direct
correlation between friendship skills (or lack thereof) and bullying. I must add, however, that this is not the absolute predictor of future relationships
because so many variables play a part in this problem. It is the entire childhood that should be taken into consideration. If an infant is severely neglected
and rejected (with a weak attachment) but then the child’s environment turns around, the child could overcome the “damage” done in early months.
Unfortunately, dysfunctional home environments rarely improve to such a degree that positive transformation is generated. This was especially true years
ago when child protective services did not intervene to protect children from abusive caregivers. Since cycles tend to repeat themselves, the abusive,
alcoholic fathers tend to remain abusive while continuing to drink. A drug-addicted mother tends to stay a drug addict, unless there is strong intervention.
The dysfunctional wheel keeps turning and, in later years, reproducing more branches on the tree. Those branches extend out into the workforce creating
serious problems.
With this being said, how does this information apply to our conversation about bullying in the workplace?
Whether bullied kids or bullied adults, the problems of the past remain and travel with us as we grow. The older we get, the more sophisticated we
may become at hiding our handicaps, but the results may be disastrous. This is, for example, when the disgruntled worker returns with a shot gun to blow
everyone away, or the angry employee sues the employer for a million dollars because he has been “pushed around his whole life” and is not going to be
bullied anymore. This could be the insecure worker who tries to overcompensate and prove herself to others because she was put down all her life. It could
be the angry ceramics teacher that points his finger at anyone that won’t join him in union fights. No matter what the circumstance, this “hurt” and rage
comes from somewhere. Well-adjusted people know how to direct their anger more skillfully than the wounded child of the past that suffered many
injustices. I might even add to the equation (for the sake of argument) the victim of bullying who has a right to sue for a million bucks, but still remains
silent because of fear. This is no different than the kid who remains silent after being shoved into the locker and kicked in the face by a bully on campus. It
all hurts. And social incompetence, for whatever reason, is seriously destructive, whether it is on a school playground or in a high-rise executive office.
Let us continue to add to our knowledge base.
According to Cohen,
“The essential elements of social competence (social skills) mostly include all the interactive skills, such as emotional regulation, turn
taking, joining a group, giving positive attention to others, sociability, social knowledge, tuning into social cues, and balancing autonomy with
relationships. In order to employ these skills, the human being must be stable. A well-adjusted person who has been fortunate enough to have
strong positive attachment not only learns ‘good’ friendship skills, but has the ability to function well socially, using the elements of social
competence. They are not as needy or frightened as the poor one who was deprived and wounded by bad experiences. The ones who are not as
well adjusted, however, have difficulty balancing the negative and positive in social interaction.”

This makes perfect sense. Think of it as an emotional thermometer that blows hot and cold without warning. People with poor social skills may not
remain consistent and stable in their emotions. They may appear moody and flighty, or they may appear insecure, unsure of how to respond to certain
situations. One minute they are in a great mood, dancing on air. The next moment they are stuck in a negative thought (of some unjust thing that happened
to them last year) and then get angry at the colleague who forgot to put the lid on the coffee in the snack room. The body language is consumed with anger
and isolation, which makes colleagues misperceive personal attacks.
Situations as such likely cause fractured relations at work because moody people tend to alienate others by creating negative energy. People avoid
them like the plague because drama and conflict seem to follow them no matter where they go. Then, as we revert back to basic perceptions, the situation
rolls down hill like a sturdy snowball in flight. Faulty perceptions arise, which are accompanied by hurt feelings, which creates aggressive reactions toward
others: a hostile work environment. Top Brass knows this term all too well, and lawyers get rich off of it.
Let us hold onto this scenario for a moment. This conflict forces coworkers to assume full battle position. Once it explodes, the managers want to
brush it under the rug and force everyone to play nice. Nothing is resolved. Supervisors want the job done, and they do not want to hear about the psycho-
babble of histories past because the here and now is all that matters. And then the situations escalate because people tend to hold on to hurt feelings until
they are resolved, even if that takes forever. More colleagues jump on the wagon. Alliances are formed. Battle positions are assumed. The organization is
divided. Am I making sense yet?
Finally, when Top Brass is called to fix the problem, they wonder why there is so much conflict in the workplace. What happened? How did the
system become so flawed? Who is at fault? How do we begin damage control?
Cohen further asserts that,
“The ability to tolerate frustrations and manage other strong emotions is one of the most basic prerequisites for good peer relation. With
healthy emotional regulation we can feel anger, jealousy, excitement, and channel that emotion effectively, instead of being overloaded with
feelings. A person that has never been too well adjusted, he or she may look to others for comfort, but what they really want is justice. As one
might expect, he or she may be upset all day-manifest in irritability, anger, and then have frequent accidents or excuses all day to have a
tantrum or fit.”

We are talking about the angry voice that storms into the teacher’s classroom, assuming that she tattled to the principal (that his lunch group was
gossiping about him) or the leader that pounds his fist on the table in disappointment of the new employee’s inexperience. This is the explosive situation
that pushes employees to the attorney’s office for wrongful termination, and this is also what makes the employee barge into the manager’s office for
protection against the harassment of coworkers. This type of impediment would surely interfere with a team player mentality in the work setting. It is also
the culprit for perceptions that destroy lives and careers.
These children grow up, but the inner child is still lurking somewhere, repeating the same horrors of childhood. These are the “unsettled” employees
that can’t let something go and visit the stations of every clerk to tell their side of the story when they believe they have been wronged. This pits one
employee or group against one another. This is what prompts one person to spread rumors about other employees in an effort to sabotage their reputation.
This is when the unstable boss follows around an employee and harps on everything he or she does incorrectly or pounds a fist on the table with didactic
anger: the harassment that never ends. This is when a group of employees shun another group at lunch, only to prompt an all out war between departments,
a war that management calls “petty.” This is the “catty” stuff that goes on that drags other people into the drama. It is this kind of “petty” stuff that
employers hate to deal with. And many times they don’t deal with it. Consequently, the lawyers get rich and the managers get fired (after Top Brass pays
the price) and organizations crumble.
We could assume that the child with weak attachment most likely has poor adult social skills. This is the child that someday strives for total control
and becomes so preoccupied with asserting individual superiority that he or she ends up verbally attacking colleagues at work or ends up in the boss’ seat,
terrorizing the employees. This desire for total control may be a direct link to their unfortunate childhood experiences. As Cohen states, “The basic
requirement children need to maintain friendships-the belief that they are okay and that their friend is okay-is an outgrowth of all that early attachment. It
springs directly from the confidence we try to give babies that they are good and they are in good hands.” This makes perfect sense.
We tend to feel happier and “free” of negativity when our needs are met. When we are confident in ourselves, we tend to feel competent and
acceptable. When we are successful and rewarded for our successes, we have no need to lash out. Our needs are met. It is when our needs are not met that
problems arise. This is why it is so important for us all to examine the road from which we came. Victims of harassment or bullying would gain much
perspective and insight from exploring memories (experiences) of the past. This will help explain the turmoil of today. It would do Top Brass a world of
good to at least understand it because everything is related.
Unfortunately, those that have had difficult childhoods have a much harder time in life. These people get stuck. They have a difficult time reading the
social codes. They lack the social knowledge needed for social acceptance. They have a difficult time reading the norms and subcultures correctly;
therefore, they may say inappropriate things at the wrong times or they may joke at the wrong time in an effort to give and receive attention. It may be that
irritating, nervous laughter at times. They may elicit inappropriate responses (by misreading body language) or lacking the ability to feel empathy for
someone’s pain at a funeral, for example. These may be the annoying ones at work that seem to be lacking appropriate boundaries. Perhaps they are the
insensitive ones that can’t seem to get it when a joke is painful to others. They may also be the insecure ones who latch on to you while telling an emotional
story, all while you are (unsuccessfully) trying to use your body language to end the conversation. They miss the “hints” and may then, in turn, end up
being bullied or shunned later on. These behaviors act as an irritant to others and push the tolerance button to the off position. This is when others lash out
and start doing major damage. It, again, becomes the employer’s problem on the job.
The Bully
We discussed the attachment-deficit kids who grow up to be victims of bullying, the same kids that exhibit poor social behaviors, but what about the
bullies themselves? What about the bully coworker that makes life hell for colleagues? What about the tyrannical boss that no one can stand? What about
the trouble makers that single-handedly destroy lives?
According to Cohen,
“…the rejected-aggressive kids fight back against their exclusion and rejection. Children in this rejected-aggressive group, also called
victim/bullies by some researchers, are needled and harassed by other children, often until they explode. Then they are the ones that get into
trouble because their fury is extreme. Children in this group run the serious risk of becoming bullies, delinquents, and criminals. When basic
connections with friends and the group are absent it is very hard for children to learn the common language of social life. Most kids are mean
because they learned to be mean by watching meanness. The child may have been bullied beforehand by an angry father or mean brother, etc.”

This makes sense when discussing our problem at hand. The aggressive cycle repeats itself and causes problems for the adult in the workplace.
This information is important, but what does it mean to us? So what if someone had a dysfunctional upbringing and became a social delinquent? All
we want are responsible, hard working employees who do what they are supposed to do, right? The problem with this train of thought is that every adult
was once a child, and every child stores a history that reveals itself in adulthood. That child grows up someday and then applies for a job. He may end up
working next to you or, perhaps, for you. What do you, as an employer, do with someone like this? Yes, you may fire him or her, but what if your system is
stuck in the tenure track rendering it powerless to terminate him or her? This is why the information in this book is crucial. If you understand the person,
you will be better equipped to handle the employee within the person.
Group Think
It is interesting that we may find supportive coworkers when we talk one-on-one, but those same individuals may become strangers to us while they
are in a group. This is because of group think, which can be treacherous in a serious case of on-the-job bullying. Groups can go terribly astray in terms of
their moral reasoning when they are empowered by the strength of the group. They become invincible when they belong to a group because personal
responsibility is lifted, as it is a perceived adoption of the group. It is easy to hide behind the group or blend in with the crowd because we feel “safe” from
reprisal.
On the flip side, everyone excluded from the group can easily be considered an outsider, almost as though they are non- existent. This is the
unfortunate foundation for hate crimes and genocide. It affects most dysfunctional groups, because we’re all prone to the us versus them thinking and if
you’re not with us, then you’re against us belief runs ramped in a workplace bullied type of environment.
Again, the prior experiences, expectations and communication are all products of an individual’s needs. This is when the coworker secretly tells the
woman that he believes she is “getting screwed,” but he would prefer not to be seen with her because he fears the same retribution. His need for the
paycheck and the need to be accepted into the group are stronger than his will to do the right thing. This is common in work situations because no one
wants his livelihood jeopardized. It is difficult to speak out against a risky, immoral, or illegal act because it makes you (the outsider) who goes against the
norm and, as in many high profile cases, it can be very dangerous on all levels. This is why whistle blowers are afraid to blow the whistle. This is why
many people sit back and band together while a person is being shunned and bullied.
It is unfortunate because when the voices of reason remain silent, it is more difficult to clean house and hold people accountable.
Social Skills 101
With the horrifying acts of bullying that children have committed and the acts of suicide that have followed, congress is attempting to implement the
Safe Schools Act in an effort to resolve the problem, but the problem still exists. Again, if we want to understand the bully problems at work, it is helpful to
understand its roots and origins in childhood. If we want to fix the problem, it would be wise to consult the professionals and listen to their
recommendations for kids. It may be helpful to employers to include information in new employee trainings.
In Mom, They’re Teasing Me, Psychologists Stephen Nowick Jr. and Marshall Duke provide ideas for helping children who have trouble using and
understanding nonverbal communication. Whatever the cause, Nowick and Duke propose a practical, skills training approach to solving problems. They
break down their program into four basic steps. If the ideas work with kids, then maybe it would help to modify them to meet the needs of adults. Each
requires awareness of the problem, practice, and application to real-life situations.
1. Discrimination of nonverbal cues
Many kids lack the ability to tell the difference between different facial expressions. We can say that many adults lack this ability, as well. This
creates problems with boundaries in adulthood, which generates conflict with colleagues in working relationships. It may be helpful to the employer
to tailor this information to meet the needs of the organization. It would be wise to translate this information to adult language. Perhaps video clips
would be helpful, just like sexual harassment clips that demonstrate which behaviors the organization will not tolerate.

2. Understanding Non Verbal Clues

If we understand the meaning of nonverbal cues, we can identify which facial expression goes with which emotions. By the time we are adults, we
should understand this. Some, however, are lacking in this area, just as they lack the discrimination skills that causes boundary problems. This applies
to both bully and victim. Adult bullies can identify the “weak” colleagues that lack this insight. Thus, they may revert back to that old aggressive-like
behavior that get the organization into trouble. Perhaps it would be beneficial to show actual clips of abuse so that the adult understands boundaries
and can clearly recognize the employer’s expectations. What actions violate the law? What are the consequences for bullying in the workplace?
3. Using meaningful expressions
As we matured into adulthood, we should have learned the codes of specific nonverbal cues that can help foster awareness. For example, if we are
aware that a smile can help with a new group, then we are consciously soliciting friends by creating friendly expressions. Sometimes we do not
realize how we are perceived by others. Some, again, have missed the boat on this and suffer the consequences from poor social skills. A simple
lesson on reading body language will do the trick here and may avoid unnecessary legal battles from conflict at work. A nonverbal communication
expert can do wonders as a guest speaker. What
do we say to others without verbalizing a word? How do these silent “words” communicate to others?
4. Using Nonverbal Cues
While learning appropriate social skills, little ones learn the importance of nonverbal cues in social situations. We may have them watch TV with the
sound off and guess what the characters are feeling and what they might do next, or have the child role-play. This is how we learn approrpiateness.
When we mature into adulthood, we should have mastered the skills that help us form relationships. Many adults, bullies or victims, have not learned
this. We can translate this to adult language by, again, showing video clips of role playing the abusive behaviors that are unacceptable in the
establishment. To the employer: If you are having difficulty finding them, then check with your human resource officer and review the legal files in
your organization. Surely you will find at least one case. And how much did that one case cost your organization? This may be communicated at your
training to let your employees know that you are not messing around in this area.
Although we do not have control over the “personal” side of people, the top leadership most certainly has control over the work side of an employee.
Top Brass controls the work place and has the power to mandate employee trainings that “groom” them to abide by the expectations of the establishment.
One training in particular that comes to mind is the famous sexual harassment training that many new employees must undertake upon hiring. We should
hope that the Top Brass would follow state and federal laws by providing all the training required in these areas. Perhaps employers may want to take it one
step further to incorporate certain “personnel training” or skills (using the information in this section) that would transform “good” or “mediocre”
employees into exceptional ones. This is sort of like giving youngsters the get along with everybody skills at an early age….the skills we talked about
earlier that were assumed learned all by themselves. We can think of it as How to Get Along successfully in the Workplace. Most importantly, it is
imperative the leadership convey clear expectations for all employees.
I would also like to suggest that leaders of management train their administrators. It is imperative that you train your leaders to follow your lead.
The one common error in the field of education is that the district offices rarely train their vice principals. They expect the principals to mentor them and
take them under their wings, but the majority of cases are where they are left to either fend for themselves or get thrown under the bus, taking the fall for
the principals’ incompetencies. This is why there is such a large turnover of jobs and, come May and June of each year, there is a plethora of administrative
openings. If the district offices would implement specific trainings for principals and for vice principals (and then rehearse laws and expectations for site
leaders), there would not be as much chaos and destruction. This is something for superintendents to ponder.
Psychological Babble
Some would argue that this is all nonsense, psycho babble, and that the past should remain in the past. Why should employers or anyone else
have to be bothered with someone’s childhood? None of that should matter. It is this dismissive attitude that lands employers in court. This may be the
primary reason so many organizations are sued for a hostile work environment. Therefore, how can we fix a problem if we don’t accept that there is a
problem and understand its origins? This dismissive view inhibits employers from seeking real solutions to this problem. If you want to change your
system, you have to first understand those within its structure. The future is always predicated on the past. I am not suggesting you “pamper” people and
become their psychologist. I am suggesting that you take inventory of those with whom you are dealing. The employer already has a system in place with
employees in specific jobs. Now what do you do when you have problems? This is the place where I begin my conversation.
Anyone who has been trained in a servant form of leadership understands that it is the leader’s responsibility to set a good example. These “good”
leaders have a basic concern for the welfare of others. These are the effective leaders that have fewer personnel problems, and it is simply because they are
good listeners who care about people. They are usually insightful and are fully aware that we are all a summation of our past.
Good leaders know how to bring out the best in others, and the only way to bring out the best in people is to understand them. The servant leader
hires the whole person, not just the employee, and then acts as a resource to lead him or her to full potential. It should not be about power, but mainly about
production. While the ineffective manager will “fight” the employee who has a weakness or just gets rid of the person anyway he can, the effective leader
finds the strengths in him or her and helps the individual “blossom,” as I once heard a brilliant leader pronounce. The servant leader does not “throw away”
the entire person for a few weaknesses. Should a person need to be “gotten rid of,” the true leader holds the view that he or she is simply not a match for
the system. That being said, it is not made into a personal battle that degrades the employee with humiliation and embarrassment. Not only does this cost
the organization monetary funds in damages, but the wearing down process destroys the spirit of another human being.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
-Confucius
 12. The Employee Transformed: Improving Work Ethic
If you are an employee who has suffered damages from harassment and bullying, then you are familiar with the wearing down process and have
some reflecting to do. The time for change is now. Life is too short to wallow in unhappiness, so let us do some introspecting. Aside from basic social skills
and learning how to protect yourself in the world, it is important that you assess your choices. True transformation requires serious soul searching. This
means reflecting on what type of career or job is best for you. If you are not a people person, for instance, it would be wise to steer clear of service jobs that
cater to people. If you are not a deep thinker who is compassionate and introspective, you may want to steer clear of psychology, where you must listen to
people’s problems all day. If you can’t handle negativity and complaining, then it would be wise to avoid a position in personnel, a position that forces you
to settle disagreements all week long.
I believe everyone has a gift, or a talent, which can be considered an employment match for the individual. It is important to recognize your gift and
go with it. For example, I have an artistic friend who loves to write. She is a fabulous writer, consumed with a passion for words. She is also a magnificent
teacher who is dynamic, theatric and creative. If we put these qualities together, we might say she is a passionate person with stored emotional energy that
flows from within her. These very qualities are what make her such a good writer and teacher. That being said, it would be difficult for her to fit herself into
a box to assume the role of administrator, where she would be required to flatline her emotions and cater to the many who demand politically correct
responses in an expected formula-like manner.
Before you begin your job search, however, it may be wise to evaluate your personal life. There appears to be a direct correlation between the misery
in your personal life and the demise of your professional life. As we will discuss later, there is a comfort trap in which we keep ourselves (personally) that
could very well be destroying our professional lives. If you just survived harassment and workplace bullying, you may want to avoid another round of
suffering. If your personal life contributed to the last round, perhaps it is time to destroy the root that caused your last bout.
I once had a good friend years ago who was going through a terrible divorce and was seeking professional therapy. After he was almost terminated
from his job and was on the edge of nervous breakdown, his therapist asked him to look at the fact that, perhaps, it was not the job giving him the nervous
breakdown, but the terrible marriage to which he had kept himself “trapped” for so long that caused his demise. He admitted she was correct in her
assessment. He did not want to face the truth that he lived a lie all these years. All the while, his professional life suffered tremendously. Not only did his
professional life suffer, but his employer suffered as well because he was not pulling his weight.
No matter what is going on in your personal life, you still have a responsibility to your employer. You are accountable for your actions. Therefore, it
is wise to soul search and identify what is causing the demise in your life.
You may want to evaluate the job demands that tie into marital demands. Are you in a line of work that requires much time away from home? This,
in turn, generates hostility and resentment in your spouse which, in turn, forces you into the pressures of hell. You may then take it out on others at work or
end up resenting your job because it “takes so much time away from your personal life.” It is called misplaced anger. Consequently, your feelings and
reactions may project outward while others end up rejecting your negativity. You then may call in sick a lot, forcing others to pick up the slack. The
employer then realizes he or she can no longer depend on you. And, rightfully so.
A side note: The employer has a duty and an obligation to provide a service or product and has hired you to help reach the desired objective. If you
are a union member, you may have an easier time holding onto your job, but you may be a target for the employer. It is at this point when the union
becomes a barrier, a hindrance, because many people know how to milk the system to their advantage, screwing the employer, as I once heard Top Brass
express. I have seen this over and over in my career. The employer then may fight back any way possible, which unfortunately could be harassment and
bullying to get you to leave the system. Thus, the contents of this book are applicable.
This is when you may lose your job or make a few enemies at work. You are back to square one again. If you are in a miserable relationship that
takes a negative toll on your work, it may be time to make a choice. If you are with a spouse that holds unrealistic demands and has subconsciously
“strangled” your ability to function professionally, it would be wise to take a long look at this before starting a new job that demands you put in twelve-
hour days. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same miserable situation. Perhaps professional assistance in the form of counseling or therapy is in
order.
The New Beginning
Once on the new job, how do you start off on a good foot and build a strong, positive reputation? First, it is helpful to learn the culture of the
organization and become familiar with the political structure (the dynamics of power) within the organization. At the same time, be consciously aware of
your perceptions and the perceptions others may have of you. Pay attention to your nonverbal messages and be sure to generate positive feelers. If you take
an interest in everyone and everything around you, your enthusiasm will show. You will be more readily accepted. It is the would you like to be my friend
skills we discussed.
One way to begin building professional relationships is by taking a genuine interest in others. If you listen to others, you will get a clear picture of the
type of culture that surrounds you.
It is also wise to keep your private thoughts to yourself. My grandfather used to tell my mother that a smart person is a much better listener than a fast
talker who likes to hear himself speak. Therefore, keep your own confidence and withhold the details of your life until you have been on the job long
enough to gain and earn trust. There is no need to share the fact that your youngest son needs a kidney transplant that will cost you an arm and a leg
because, should you be in a legal altercation with your employer in six months, you will have disclosed your hand that you can’t afford a legal battle. The
less information you share, the better off you may be. Once you have been on the job long enough and have secured a safe position, you can weigh what
“more” to say and do.
It is wise to protect your weaknesses and show your strengths. People can easily perceive your weaknesses and may use them against you at some
point. If you expose insecurities and weaknesses in your abilities (personal and professional), you run the risk of giving yourself away. This is when the
bully targets you for prime prey or others view you as a helpless victim. This does not do much for your reputation.
If you are a confident person, it will show. You will slowly begin to earn the trust of others. It is wise to demonstrate confidence and competence
through your actions. Try writing down important information that others share with you about your job. If you show sincere passion for your job, you
stand a better chance of being accepted. This will help you shuffle in as a part of the team.
It is also wise to identify your boundaries. What is it that you must do to fit in? What is acceptable in the work culture? What is required? For
instance, are you willing to stay an hour late each day to provide extra help? This may help you establish a reputation as a team player. Are you willing to
spend an extra fifteen minutes each day helping the staff? This offers something extra. You may want to mentally prepare yourself to do this because clock
runners often suffer the consequences. If you leave at clock-out time everyday, especially when the crowd needs you, you run the risk of casting a negative
stone on your reputation.
It is also a good idea to build collegial relationships by attending functions outside of work. If you limit your visit to a brief stay, it will help you
avoid being too friendly; yet, it will help you show support for a colleague who is having a function.
Most importantly, pay attention to your social skills. As we discussed earlier, bullies and victims may have carried with them (from childhood) poor
social codes. Do you have a history of reading inaccurate codes or making inappropriate gestures in an effort to fit in? There is no judgment attached to
this. It is time for change. Although the truth may hurt, it will set you free in the long run if you can make some positive changes now. Many times we are
unaware of how we “come off” to others. If we have recurring problems, it is worth analyzing our behaviors that rub others the wrong way or that provoke
reactions in others that force us to hire legal counsel for a hostile work environment.
I once heard of a gentleman who attended a work function for a summer get together. When I arrived at work the next morning, the hostess of the
party came to my office to vent. “Would you believe John Doe stayed at my house until midnight and drank so much beer that my husband had to drive
him home?” She was angry and resentful that he forced her to go out of her way for a “stranger.” It was sad because I knew John Doe and, needless to say,
he was a wonderful man who meant no harm. He just lacked appropriate boundaries. He needed to understand that work functions need to be professional,
brief and cordial. To create anything other than this can become a problem. The hostess of this party then spread the word about John’s terrible
inconsideration. Surely you might imagine what this did to John’s reputation.
Another reason people get themselves into trouble is that they engage in too much “personal” conversing. It takes a while to really get to know
someone and gravitate to the “personal” level, as in good friends or family-like relationships. Many people jump too quickly to the intimate stage of
relationships, and I am not talking romantically. I am talking about divulging confidential information. There is no need to tell your coworkers that you are
going through a horrible divorce because your spouse was diagnosed as a Paranoid Schizophrenic and has accused you of cheating. Remember that people
do not know who you are yet because you have not yet had time to build a relationship. Your reputation has yet to be solidified. You are still suspect. This
information may automatically taint you and pose a question about your loyalty, should your (poor) husband be the “victim of your cheating
unfaithfulness.” Perhaps you really are a cheater who is victimizing your husband with infidelity. You never know what people are going to do with a piece
of information, so play it safe by saying nothing.
Another way to stay out of trouble is to monitor your emotions and avoid the “feeling” side of work. A wise woman once told me don’t complain
and don’t explain. This is ever so true, but it can be very difficult, especially when you are in a horrible work environment. If you avoid complaining, you
avoid being perceived as a negative person. If you go with the flow, you will be perceived as flexible. This requires that you have solid relationships
outside of work, which makes it easier for you to tolerate the hell during the day. It also gives you an outlet, so you need not vent to those around you at
work- those who could potentially harm your career.
No matter how dysfunctional an organization is, it is up to you to focus on yourself. You will show your strength if you are able to adapt to utter
chaos. If you are an efficient, thorough worker who documents your work and takes pride in what you do, you will be seen as a valued employee.
If you do not complain, whine or embrace negativity, others will judge you accordingly. They will come to see that they can trust you. In addition, if
you do not gossip about others, people will trust that you will not gossip about them.
The more reactive you become in situations and the more emotions you display, the more others may distance themselves from you. Never let them
see you sweat, and you will not need a towel to clean up after yourself later.
The best way to protect your reputation is to distance yourself from the reputation of others. You do not want to be guilty by association. I once knew
of a higher up, Scarlett, who had been given the not so good talk at the beginning of the year. She was told to retire at the end of the year or else. It just so
happened that a new employee, Regina, was hired at the same time, but she lived far away and needed a place to stay during the week. Scarlett offered the
invitation. Because they lived together, there was an automatic assumption that Scarlett’s negativity was “rubbing off” on Regina. Not only was it an
assumption, but it actually happened. It was only natural that they would bond because they had a lot of time to reflect on professional matters. It was also
evident that Scarlett took Regina under her wing by showing her the ropes, only there were the wrong ropes. There were reasons Scarlett was forced to
retire. By the end of the following year, Regina had been given a pink slip as well. This was no surprise because Regina adopted Scarlett’s demeanor at
work. It is always best to steer clear of other employees and build your own reputation without interference. If you need a roommate, there are plenty
advertised in the Classified section in the local newspapers.
The next tip is rare, but it can occur. It happened to my friend, Laura. When Laura was hired at her new job, she immediately sought a place to
buy or rent. It happened that the Executive Manager of Personnel had a dear friend, Carol, who specialized in real estate. Laura visited many times with
Carol and her husband. They must have viewed every available living space in the vicinity. As time passed, Laura gathered all her personal documents that
had included very intimate details of her financial, professional, and residential history. Anyone that has ever purchased a home knows the amount of
documents required.
A few weeks later, however, Laura unfortunately realized she was not a match for the organization and was in the process of leaving on not such a
good note. She no longer needed living arrangements in the area, but her naivety was going to come back to haunt her. Laura was informed through a third
party that the Executive woman (for whom Laura worked) had asked Carol for all Laura’s intimate information. She was building a case against Laura. She
wanted to know how Laura might manage to survive financially had she abruptly left their organization. “I know she is not wealthy because Carol gave me
all that information,” she told a mutual friend.
You can protect yourself by not getting involved with anyone associated with the organization that prints your paychecks. Try not to mix business
and pleasure like this unless you have been with the establishment for several years and have nothing to lose. Even then, however, it is always wise to keep
your personal life completely separate from the hand that feeds you.
The following suggestion is so important because it ties into the needs of others. If you are seen too much with the boss, it causes problems
because most workers crave the attention from the supervisor. You do not want to be perceived as a brown-noser who kisses the boss’s behind (or one who
is favored by the superior). Female employees have it worse in this area because being seen with your male superiors could create rumors that will brand
you for life, especially if the boss likes to commence with all the female workers. Someone once told me when a rooster favors a hen, the other hens will
peck relentlessly at the one hen that is “favored.” I have seen this happen many times and, in many cases, it has caused the employee more than she
bargained for. Again, think of your reputation and those dangerous perceptions that are on continual overload.
It is important to form the type of reputation you want to have, and you can do this by regulating your attitude and emotion. Attitude not only goes a
long way, but it can go all the way. I have seen the most incompetent, insincere employees move up because they played their cards right with attitude. The
unfortunate truth is that (in many cases, when we have been wronged) we really can’t express our true thoughts and emotions because anger turns people
off in an instant. The problem with this is that many people have justifiable anger because injustices have been wrongfully done, but they are forced to
either (1) stifle or (2) express the anger that forms a negative perception, unintentionally attaching a bad reputation to their names. Many people turn to
passive-aggressive behavior to get even with others. They know that overt anger only hurts them, so they get even in subtle, insincere ways. But this can
have a more damaging effect on your reputation because you will become known as a snake. This is not good. One must learn how to adapt and channel
this negative energy so that it does not follow you wherever you go. If you realize you do not need to act on every injustice and learn to accept anger as
another human emotion, you can deal with it much more readily and will, consequently, get along better with others. People can be assholes sometimes.
That is a fact of life, but you can only control your own emotions, which will ultimately control your reputation and how others view you.
A smile and a charming personality will take you a long way, but insincerity will eventually destroy you. An insincere, dishonest person will
eventually fall to the bottom. One can always spot a bullshit artist and it is important to note that a charismatic personality only gets you so far. Once you
are charismatic, charming and “nice,” you must follow through with being reliable, trustworthy, sincere and helpful. I once knew a man who was so
charming and nice, but he was an unscrupulous cad that flirted with all the women. He had a poor reputation that branded him as trying to have sex with
everyone. The truth became obsolete and irrelevant. The perception became reality. The truth was that he was a sincere man who had no indiscretions
whatsoever, but the truth became fiction. Therefore, try to avoid intimacy of any kind with coworkers or superiors. If you always keep it professional, you
will retain your professionalism.
Lastly, monitor your boundaries and target your boundary line. If you impose on others, you may become a burden. At the same time, establish
your boundaries so that others know where you stand. Should someone impose on your time, you may graciously offer to help by reciting the rules and
procedures of the job. If, for instance, it is standard protocol to inform the secretary when covering another’s station, then follow the procedures. “Sure,
Sally, I would love to cover your station. I will tell Mary to clock me into your station.” This may avoid the habitual problem of taking hours from you
without deducting hours from someone else.
It is worthy to discuss social skills and courteous behaviors. Again, the reason people are bullied many times is that they have difficulty reading
the codes and keeping boundaries. They give themselves away by many sabotaging behaviors that expose their weaknesses. If you put forth a conscious
effort to monitor this at all times, then you will be able to modify your behavior.
The Five C’s
According to Stephen Covey in his book The 8th Habit, There are five metastasizing cancerous behaviors that people elicit. Unfortunately, these
behaviors are performed at the subconscious level, unless we own them and continually bring them into our conscious awareness. Most people, however,
do not self- reflect. Here are the 5 c’s that could destroy your career and your relationships:
1. Criticizing
2. Complaining
3. Comparing
4. Competing
5. Contending
If we examine each one, we can see that in order for the 5 c’s to be a successful destroyer, one needs to focus outside of the self. For example, if you
are not focused on yourself and are obsessed by what other people do, then you will never feel comfortable in your own skin. Inferior people tend to do this
because they are concerned with what they are lacking, rather than what they are offering. If you compare yourself to Sara, for instance, then you are not
focusing on your own achievements. If you are competing with another, you are not focusing on your own duties and tasks. If you believe you can only
control you and what you do, then you will not be obsessed with the strengths or weaknesses in others.
If I have been speaking to you, let us take a look at some “replacement” behaviors that will attract success to you. The 7 habits of highly effective
people “(also by Steven Covey) embodies the essence of becoming a balanced, integrated, powerful person and creating a complementary team based on
mutual respect. They are the principles of personal character.”
Habit 1: Be Proactive. Proactive people are agents of change and choose not to be victims, to be reactive, or to blame others.
Habit 2: Begin with the end in Mind. Identify and commit yourself to the principles, relationships and purposes that matter most to you.
Habit 3: Putting first things first. Organizing and executing around you your most important priorities.
Habit 4: Think win-win. This is thinking in terms of “we,” not “me,” and thinking in terms of abundance and opportunity, rather than adversarial
competition.
Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. When we listen with the intent to understand others, rather than with the intent to reply,
we begin true communication and relationship building. It takes consideration and courage. Effectiveness lies in balancing or blending the two.
Habit 6: Synergize. Synergy is the third alternative-not my way, not your way, but a third way that is better than either of us –our way. It is
respecting, valuing, and even celebrating one another’s differences. It is about solving problems, seizing opportunities, and working out differences.
Synergy is also the key to any effective team or relationship. A synergistic team is a complementary team, where the team is organized so that the
strengths of some compensate for the weaknesses of others. In this way, you optimize and run with strengths and make individual weaknesses
irrelevant.
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw: Sharpening the saw is about constantly renewing ourselves in the four basic areas of life: physical, social/emotional,
mental, and spiritual.
The Model Employee
The most important item we have yet to discuss is the essence of a “good” employee. What does it mean to be a “good” employee? The best way to
answer this question is to make it an ego-centered question. If you had a business in which you invested your life savings and then were depending on
employees to run it for you, what kind of people would you want working for you?
Think about this for a second.
You are willing to pay people good money to take care of your business so that your investment can “flourish.” Make a list now of the model
employee. Think of this assignment as something you would do for a Classified Advertisement, where you are hoping to recruit model applicants. You
surely would not want to hire slugs that are replete with laziness and ones that corrupt other employees with negativity and apathy toward your
organization. These are toxic employees. You would not want lazy people who could care less about anything except a paycheck. I assume you would want
what most other people would want: honest, hard-working, energetic, motivated, intelligent individuals who can go the extra mile for you. Slugs need not
apply!
This is the ideal situation, but I must say that more often than not, employers have a difficult time finding “good” matches for the system. Even
though this book addresses those bullied at work, many times employees put themselves in situations of demise. Several occasions in my career I have seen
poor employees that deserved to be canned. In fact, many times our site attempted to terminate irresponsible employees for dereliction of duty, but ran into
a brick wall called the union, as we briefly touched on earlier. Before I continue further, please know that the unions have been a fabulous support to
American workers and in no way am I speaking ill of their progress. Their contributions to workers have been invaluable, but sometimes they can be too
strong while they end up (unintentionally) protecting poor workers. This hurts the “good” workers because it can divide the system. We would need
another book to cover this problem in its entirety.
Let us talk about these people for a moment. During my time in a supervisor position, I have seen a collage of “poor” employees. These employees
lacked a sense of responsibility and held a perception of entitlement. These are those that arrived to work whenever they felt like it and those that would
congregate in the lounge drinking coffee during work hours. These were the secretaries that were rude and unfriendly to the public. In fact, I knew several
in my career that surrounded their station with plants in a subconscious effort to keep people away from them, as Top Brass once commented. Some even
kept their telephones on mute. Can you imagine that? Yes, a secretary hired to talk to the public on a regular basis who turns off the ringer so no one could
get through. This is a classic example of someone in the wrong job.
And these were also the ongoing problems of staff that could not follow the bargaining unit contract agreement. These were the teachers that
habitually arrive an hour late to work with no thought whatsoever to the problem it causes administration. Better yet, the teachers that constantly left their
students alone in the classroom while they stepped out. This puts the school district in a position of liable. I can’t forget to mention the teachers that
regularly called in sick at the last minute, leaving us to scramble for coverage of their classrooms. Let us add to our pile the teachers that made a habit out
of leaving early on sick hours, forcing the site to find substitutes at the last minute for them. What these employees fail to realize is that their actions force
the site to constantly extend effort on their behalf. Someone has to cover for the teachers who are gone all the time. This is not to mention the fact that the
kids in the classroom are being deprived of their instructional minutes with their teachers. Would you want your children in these classrooms, where the
teacher is absent most of the time?
We can’t forget to mention the lead coordinator who must leave early twice a week because his wife had emotional meltdowns and couldn’t control
the kids, which drove him to a nervous mess each week until he left sick. His abscense left the team in a lurch, which forced the district to delay its project
numbers, which could have potentially caused financial sanctions on the district for not getting the numbers in on time. It was a domino effect. And then,
he was utterly perplexed when he was demoted.
These people do not realize the effect their burdens lay on the establishment. Think about that for a second to determine if you are one of those
individuals. Do onto others as you would have done onto you and, if you were the employer or the leader, would you want to hire you as an employee that
continually left you (the supervisor) in the lurch? That is the million dollar question.
There are many negative ramifications of poor work ethic. If you are an employee who has made it a habit of behaving in such a fashion, you may
not want to doubt if someone is trying to get rid of you because they probably are and, many would claim, rightfully so. Please note that I am not talking
about the extenuating circumstances where the model employee faces a life crisis or a death that brings on temporary irresponsibility. I am talking about the
habitual problem employee that just can’t seem to get it together year after year.
Again, it reverts back to perception and communication, which builds your reputation. If you are a burden to the system, then the system will try to
rid itself of you and, unfortunately in many cases, this may include bullying and harassment. If they can’t get you out in the honest, fair way, then they may
try to make you miserable so that they force you out. I am not condoning this because, after all, I am writing a book on the subject, but there is always a
certain degree of personal responsibility we, as employees, bring to our demise. Therefore, go back up to your list as though you were the employer. What
kind of employee would you want? Most importantly, are you that desired worker?
Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.
-Peter Drucker
 13. The Employer Transformed
Just as the employer does not want an apathetic, lazy employee, the worker does not want an incompetent, tyrannical manager that he can’t trust.
That being said, let us discuss “good” leadership. What makes a “model” boss? Again, make this an ego-centered answer. Be the leader you admire in other
leaders. Make a list of those you admire and analyze the qualities they possess. Then assume those character traits.
It does not matter if you are a subordinate employee or a top leader in the organization because everyone is an employee of the establishment, unless
you are the owner of the company. No matter what, you will do a great service to your system if you have everyone on the same page with the same
training, and this includes all leaders.
Too often Top Brass finds out too late that they hire very poor leaders that run the system into the ground. Therefore, it should be a top priority to
implement leadership training principles to new management. No matter what the cost, Top Brass would be wise to seek out the best leadership training
and plan for a week or two each year, and some of this training should be created and implemented by Top Brass alone. After all, it is your organization
and you set the stage for what you want to see in a good leader. You may want to spend several days outlining and modeling the leadership for the leaders
in your organization. Some of this information can come directly from this book. I would strongly suggest that you invite labor lawyers to join the training
as it is crucial to your system to cover labor laws and additional codes pertaining to the profession. There is nothing more valuable than knowing the law,
and there is nothing more expense than violating it.
The Manager with no Leader
Board members and investors do not want to spend money on attorneys for harassment and bullying. This is why they put their trust in the CEO,
corporate leader, superintendent of schools or district managers, etc. to take care of human resources for their system, and they entrust that personnel
matters will be taken care of in a legal, appropriate manner.
These Top Brass individuals then hire “leaders” that become reflections of the establishment with every decision they make. Top Brass often has
difficulty finding flaws in their own system because many times their subordinate managers cover up the mess. Unfortunately, those in power become
savvy at hiding the truth. They brush everything under the rug. When this cover up goes unnoticed, it gets worse. It is like a cancer in the system.
Top Brass then suffers. How can those at the top clean out the closet if they can’t find the mess within the closet? If you are an employer who is truly
seeking change, we need to have a serious discussion.
Leadership Training Principles
If you are the executive of a company with a mountain of litigation files and settlements (all of which they have kept hidden from you), then you may
be in a heap of trouble. If you just became aware of the mounting legal fees for such disastrous management, what do you do? How do you fix the
problem?
First, let us talk about common sense.
If you have, for example, the desire to grow a beautiful garden, you must clean out the weeds and replace the “dead” soil with fresh soil of nutrients.
Then you may want to research gardening skills to help you become a successful gardener. It makes no sense to waste time and money if you are not going
to learn what not to do the next time around. Your concern should be with maintaining the life of the garden, as well as planting it. We can apply this to
your situation. If you are an executive, then you may need to clean house. You will want to hire and train the type of administrators that will reflect the
vision and mission of your organization. Let’s start with some research and acknowledge Steven Covey’s Principles of Leadership below to discover what
we want in a good leader.
What is a successful leader? First, you may want to consider the whole person when hiring an administrator.
Successful Leaders
(1) Successful leaders set the direction by examining the needs of the organization and by having a vision of the future. What changes are needed and
how do you achieve those changes?
(2) Successful leaders demonstrate personal character of integrity and engage in habits that build trust. Are you a trustworthy leader? Do you keep
your promises? Do you demonstrate sincere interest in others and model the type of behaviors you want to see in your employees? Are you honest, or
do you tell people what they want to hear? Do you communicate to them and include them in the decision- making process?
(3) Successful leaders mobilize individual commitment by engaging others and by sharing power. Do you meet with your employees, discuss the
vision of your organization, and then relinquish power to them? Or are you a “control freak” who craves power? Are you sincerely interested in what
others have to say? Do you make them a part of your team?
(4) Successful leaders engender organizational capability by building teams and managing change. Are you informed enough about your employees
to build teams and then manage the change needed for your “performance-oriented” organization?
It’s All Greek to Me
If you are seeking to improve yourself and your organization, you would benefit from understanding the Greek assertions about human nature. If we
think about it, much of our culture is built on Greek influences. According to the Greeks, there were three parts to the human psyche which made man
successful: ethos, pathos, and logos.
Ethos is your ethical nature that includes your personal creditability, your confidence and your personal integrity. This is principle-centered modeling
that builds trust.
Pathos is your empathy or feeling side. This is indicative of how well you understand the feelings of others: what his needs are and how she sees
things.
Logos is, of course, logic, which denotes power and persuasion of your own presentation and your own thinking.
The Greeks believed the sequence of these qualities is crucial. “To move to logos before people feel understood is futile,” as stated by Covey. This
makes sense because people first need to feel understood before they will cooperate. In addition, it is also futile should you attempt to create understanding
when there is no faith in your character. This premise should be stressed in leadership training for any organization because leaders are supposed to be
models for employees, and they should function as “resources” to help them meet their goals. True leaders are there to assist the employees, not
micromanage them and push forward with the power machine of a personal agenda.
Third Force Psychology
Let us keep our psychological momentum by studying people. It is wise to study human nature and do what works. We already know that people are
driven by perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We know that first impressions are crucial to any leader and that relationship building is a must if
you want to become a successful leader. Now, let us take it one step further and discuss the valuable worth of words, which we call semantics.
Semantics can be the defining moment for leaders because impressions are built in seconds. These impressions invoke feelings, positive or negative,
just like the connotation of a word gives off a certain feel to how it is being used. The recipient who is hearing the communication and interacting with the
leader makes an instant judgment call on whether or not this leader can be trusted. The problem with employee-employer communication is that it can get
stuck, leaving the leader to digest false perceptions. Employees often smile and nod to the leader as though everything is fine. The employee then brings
feelings to the next conversation, and this is most likely to a colleague, who is another employee of the leader. Too often leaders take for granted that
people hear what is intended, and they fail to really build a rapport with their people. Relationships are everything, so beware of false smiles with empty
eyes.
 Your staff has the ability to make or break you. The busy leader may appear “rude and unfriendly” while briefly mentioning that he or she would get
back to someone later in the day. This perception may create hurt feelings, all while the word spreads like wildfire that the leader can’t be bothered and is
not to be trusted.
It may be wise to find the time and money to create semantics/connotation training for leaders. This shows them emphatically how important basic
words and overall communication are to the success of the leader, both verbal and nonverbal. If you understand the importance of basic communication and
the acquisition of real listening skills, you will produce much better leaders. And then you will not have mounting attorney’s fees and disgruntled
employees who show up at your door with emotional hack saws because you are hiring tyrannical managers.
While I was once having a discussion with Top Brass about “bad” administrators in the school systems, he said, “You can’t get good help anymore.”
I wonder if it is the “good help” we can’t find or if it is choosing the right people with the qualities we need for the position. Before you answer this,
perhaps it is wise to think about people for a moment. What brings out the best in employees?
According to Abraham Maslow, often referred to as the father of Third Force Psychology, or Humanistic Psychology, (focus on human capacity for
the highest potential), “a musician must make music, and an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.” A man
must be all that his potential allows him to be. Maslow calls this self-actualization, which describes a man’s desire to become everything that he has to
offer. This is a sure way to build self-esteem and foster positivity. Maslow believes that it is the “we” that minimizes negativity because the “we” allows
people to become a part of something important, like part of a team. This is the “collaboration” in servant leadership we discussed earlier.
I would like to expand on this point because I have seen this premise violated repeatedly in the field of education. For example, teachers need to
teach what they are best suited to teach, but too often they are not placed according to their strengths. Some teachers are perfect matches to teach gifted
classes, where they perform wonders with kids at Advanced Placement level. “Good” leaders recognize this fact and place the teacher with the right
“match” for kids. Other teachers, however, may be naturally gifted at teaching at-risk, slower learning youngsters. These teachers are also placed
accordingly. Further, many teachers fit well teaching tenth-grade students, while others excel with seniors. If we want to maximize each teacher’s potential,
it is wise to match them with their strengths. Good leadership finds the potential in each and then places them accordingly.
Too often administration creates their own demise by failing to tap into the maximum potential of their staff. Many times they “fraternize” by giving
their favorite teachers the classes they want to teach, not necessarily the classes at which they excel. Some administrators are simply vindictive, giving the
teacher the exact opposite of what was requested. In this case, the administrator, or leader, is breeding unhappiness that appears driven by his or her own
negativity.
Management principles of the hierarchy of the human development
Maslow would claim that the how and the what John Doe produces would be much more desirable if leaders would take time to understand their
people better. They would bring out the best in them and increase productivity, like finding the right teaching assignment for each teacher and rewarding
each for the success.
The management principles of the hierarchy of human development are synonymous with the hierarchy of needs, which claim that the seven needs
are our driving force: food, shelter, love, safety, etc.
“They assume ideally a person who has been satisfied in his basic needs in the past, while he was growing up, and who is now being
satisfied in his life situation. He was and now is safety- needs gratified (not anxious, not fearful). He was and is belongingness-need satisfied
(he does not feel alienated, ostracized, organized, outside the group; he fits into the family, the team, the society; he is not an unwelcome
intruder). He was and is love-need gratified (he has enough friends and enough good ones), a reasonable family life; he feels worthy of being
loved and wanted and able to give love-this means much more than romantic love, especially in respect-worthy, needed, important, etc.; he
feels he gets enough praised and is self-esteem-need-satisfied. This doesn’t happen often enough in our society; most people on unconscious
levels do not have enough feelings of self-love, self-respect.”

Again, we are bringing into the equation the inner child of the past, which to some is still “psychobabble.” And this quote above may seem unrealistic
while assuming the position that everyone comes from the perfect home. If this were the case, we would not have any bullying in the workplace.
It is most important to discuss those who have had it difficult so that we may find solutions to complex challenges discussed in this book. What
would be the proper principles of management for an employee who has not had his or her needs me, as Maslow claims? How about the employees who
are “stuck” or trapped at the safety-need level, who feel perpetually frightened by impending doom? And what about those workers that are afraid of losing
their jobs or being harassed at work, much like they were at home as youngsters? What would management be like with subordinates who could not relate
to one another or understand each other? What about the employees who were suspicious of each other and literally “hate”each other? The answer, again, is
finding the strengths in each employee and matching them with the right job.
Dr. Maslow refers to organizing work as a way of helping people align their personal goals with the goals of the organization or corporation. He said
this:
“Before setting the vision or the goal, I always tried to listen carefully to uncover what people were really excited about. What pieces of
work did they love? What pieces did they hate? I always tried to move work projects around so that people could work in the areas they loved.
There were many times, however, when I needed to go to people and say the team needs this work from you even though it is not something
you would prefer to do. Yet, I always tried to manage the alignment: putting people in the right positions where they could excel with work
they loved.”

Therefore, good leaders become familiar with the strengths of the employees and function as a resource to help each individual excel. In turn, the
organization ultimately excels. And Top Brass is not bombarded with law suits and harassment complaints.
The Effective Leader
The effective leader is familiar with this premise because, not only does he understand people, but he likes them as well. Leaders that are in it for the
power show that they don’t like people very much. This is why they micromanage and control everything and fear losing control of everything.
Maslow believes that a great leader must believe the same management principles and concepts that he preaches. It has to be flowing from their
presence or “people will know (and they always do) that is nothing more than talk.” This is the bullshit artist, as many disgruntled employees would
preach, that loses his staff within a few weeks. Maslow claims that the charisma of the leader is not what it’s about. “The stirring speech is not what it’s
about. The beautifully written mission statement is not what it is about. It is leading by example, meaning what you say, standing for something, and being
willing to take action when what the company stands for is violated.” Too many leaders can’t do this. The truth test of leadership comes not when things
are going very well, but when things are falling apart.
Another point to note is that too often leaders put on an act and try to woo employees into their graces with false praise of blanket-statement phrases
that make the hard workers angry. When a blanket email is sent to all recipients, telling everyone how wonderful everyone is doing, leadership may lose
credibility with their people. In the real world, everyone is not doing a fabulous job. In the real world, some people excel while others lag behind. This is
the way we operate because we have strengths and weaknesses. People have a driven need to be acknowledged for what they do, and they also want justice
served (or consequences given) to those who do not perform. It is a natural reaction. Good leaders understand this. Maslow purports that “One has to
deserve praise, applause, prestige, medals, and fame, or at very deep unconscious levels, they can actually be hurtful and produce guilt; all sorts of psycho
pathogenic processes may start from undeserved applause.”
During my research, I thought it rather interesting that Maslow claimed the best leaders are those that do not want the leadership position. “The safest
person is the one who does not want the power. He is least likely to use it for selfish, neurotic, or sadistic purposes, or for showing-off purposes, all of
which can be motivations for the D-leader and all of which mean obscuring or neglecting or overlooking the objective, realistic requirements of the group
or of the situation or of the job.” This is the “George Washington” hero that runs for President of the Unites States for the sole purpose of serving his
country.
To further add, many people (that take on the leadership roles) end up being corrupted, much like the senators and congressman that we elect to
office that give themselves financial perks. Once in Washington D.C. for several years, they are corrupted by lobbyists, money, and power. Eventually,
even the good ones end up going bad. This is why the public has had the same complaints for decades while they continue to throw them out of office.
Then the next ones campaign with honest promises. They vote them in and, low and behold, it all starts again. According to Maslow’s management
principles, “There cannot be conditions of corruption, political corruption, nor there be religious corruption or religious denomination. The enterprise must
be free to develop itself in all ways which do not interfere with the goodness and the health of the society.” This is the nasty fraternizing, good-old-boy
system of favoritism that happens all too often. I have yet to find one of those systems that did not eventually collapse.
Therefore effective management means hiring the person as well as the employee and understanding the relationships (to the individual) between
past, present and future. People are evolving creatures that are continually creating, learning and advancing, if we provide the opportunities. The effective
leader seeks to bring out the best in his or her people by employing principles of integrity, honesty and reliability. The leader builds teams and incorporates
a vision, based on the needs of the organization. According to Maslow, “All the experiments on enlightened management and humanistic supervision can
be seen from the point of view that, in a brotherhood situation of this sort, every person is transformed into a partner rather than into an employee. He tends
to think like a partner and to act like a partner. He tends to take upon his own shoulders all the responsibilities of the whole enterprise. He tends to
voluntarily and automatically assume responsibility for any of the various functions of an enterprise which an emergency might call for.” These are the
systems that thrive.
The Ultimate Candidate for Leadership
If you want to be the ultimate candidate for leadership, then you may want to explore your own motives and agenda. Why do you want to be a
leader? Do you like to be in control of things or in control of people? These are good questions. I once watched in awe at a biography of Clint Eastwood.
When someone was asked to comment on Eastwood’s leadership style or “directorship,” he gave an interesting answer. “Eastwood directs films and hires
actors.” This is someone who has a vision and pulls others into the framework to make it happen. Then he hires the professionals to do what needs to be
done. This defines a great leader that is successful at leading, and then brings out the best in others so that each person has “ownership” or investment in
the project.
Let us apply this to your organization. If you are Top Brass who chooses leaders for your organization, what character traits are you looking for in a
person? Perceptive Top Brass knows how to weed through the bullshit, if I may speak frankly. Anyone can talk the talk in a good interview, but you can
spot a fake by what the applicant is not saying in words. Look at the body language to see the way he or she communicates nonverbally. Most importantly,
eyes are the mirror to the soul. If someone has a wondering eye while pondering a serious question, you may wonder what he is hiding. Trust your gut
because you can usually get a feel for a person. So many times I have heard leaders say I knew something was off in the interview by the way the applicant
did this or that, but I went with him (or her) anyway. Therefore, trust your inner voice when it speaks to you, and then you will have a better chance of
choosing the right match for your system.
The Balanced Person
When our needs are met, we are happier people. When we are happier people, we become much better leaders. According to Steven Covey in his
book The 8th Habit, people have four basic fundamental needs and motivations: to live (survival), to love (relationships), to learn (growth and
development) and to leave a legacy (meaning and contribution). This is mind, heart, body and spirit. Therefore, when our needs are met and we are
balanced, we are happier people. This makes perfect sense. If you are going through a terrible divorce, grieving from loss and betrayal, for example, you
will not be as happy as the newlywed couple that is still in honeymoon. If you just got hired for a new job with an increased salary, then you will be much
happier than someone who was just been terminated.
If you understand that employees are people first, you will make a much better leader. Employers that do not understand this have numerous
personnel problems and a high turnover rate of employees. This is only natural. We tend to gravitate toward and work hard for those that acknowledge and
respect us. We tend to give little to those that disrespect us and treat us like objects. This, in essence, is the type of “management” behind the creation of
this book.
Covey, like Maslow, asserts that managers and organizations “should inspire their people to volunteer their highest talent and contributions.” This
can be achieved by realizing that people have personal lives and when people are happy (self-actualized), they are emotionally free to give their all. The
problem arises when our employees have difficult situations that interfere with their work performance. How do we inspire others if they are lacking in the
four basic needs and motivation? How do we do this, for instance, with a female employee that found her husband in bed with the neighbor or a husband
that came home to an empty house after his wife ran off with the truck driver and cleaned out his bank account?
Again, if we, as leaders, understand and take interest in our employees as people, we can motivate them to be a part of “our” system. Covey asserts
that “Leaders must understand that employees decide how much of themselves they will give to their work depending on how they are treated and on their
opportunities to use all four parts of their natures. These choices range from rebelling or quitting to creative excitement.” Therefore, good leaders inspire
their people by recognizing “value” and worth in their performance. People may not always remember what you do, but they most surely will always
remember how you made them feel. If you understand what your female employee (above) is dealing with and give her your patience and understanding,
for example, she will come back around later and appreciate your patience. If she was the right match for your system in the beginning, she will return the
gesture by giving you loyalty. She will remember the kind deed you did for her and will be more prone to give you her all. Therefore, if you strive to hire
the person (as well as the employee), you will add a new member to your team, not just another employee to the payroll. Your employee will “feel” this
invitation. If you neglect one of the four parts of the person, however, you turn him or her into an object that is easily disposable.
Think about yourself for a moment and what motivates you. If you feel like an object, what might that do to your motivation? Employers that treat
their people like objects must “control them in order to motivate them.” The tyrannical manager “coerces people through threats.” This is the bully that
creates a hostile work environment. We may add this fact to what we discussed earlier about the female employee that caught her husband in bed with
another woman. She is already lacking in essential needs, as we noted, because she is going through a terrible ordeal. It would make things worse if she
were viewed as just an object at work.
Therefore, before you dig any further for answers to your own organization, stop right here and examine whether or not your staff members are
valued people as well as employees. How do the managers beneath you treat the employees below them? These are your employees. You hold the key to
what type of “worker” your people become because you hire leaders in the system that either managed or lead these people.
The Bank Account
No matter what type of relationship you have in life, it is worthless if there is no trust. You have no marriage if you are not trustworthy. You have no
friendship if you are not a trusted friend. You have no working relationship with your subordinates if can’t be trusted. People can detect untrustworthy
leaders like radar, and they will turn on you in an instant. According to Covey, “Trust is like an emotional bank account. It is like a financial bank account
into which you make deposits and take out withdrawals-only in this case, you make emotional deposits and withdrawals in your relationship that either
build or destroy them. If you push it far enough, it has its limitations. But generally it is a powerful and simple way of communicating the quality of a
relationship.” In order to succeed as a leader of people, you must first build relationships with your people. Covey continues to share key deposits and
withdrawals that help us understand how trust affects our relationships:
Deposits Withdrawals
1. Seek first to understand Seek first to be understood
2. Keeping promises Breaking promises
3. Honesty, openness Smooth manipulation
4. Kindness, courtesies Unkindness, discourtesies
5. Win-win, no-deal thinking Win-lose or lose-win thinking
6. Clarifying expectations Violating expectations
7. Loyalty to the absent Disloyalty, duplicity
8. Apologies Pride, conceit, arrogance
9. Receiving feedback and Not receiving feedback
giving “I” Messages and giving “you” messages
10. Forgiveness Holding grudges
The Successful Leader
In order to build relationships with your people, you must first understand the culture that you are leading. The culture of the organization is like the
framework of a house. Once you have the framework, you can understand the people within. This culture is a direct reflection of your leadership style.
What type of “feel” does it have? Do people like coming to work for you every day? Do people get along with each other and respect one another? What
type of morale permeates the culture? Is your system producing what it is supposed to put out?
If you have negativity and hostility among employees, your system will eventually collapse and very little will be produced. This is when the test
scores tank in a specific school site or district. This is when the sales numbers drop in a major corporation and when service orders cease to flow in a
service industry. Problems will only multiply if you do not handle the problem adequately. It will bring down your success. If you have a problem retaining
employees or spending most of your time managing employee relations, you probably have a problem on your hands. Again, what kind of leadership is
fostering your culture? Are you Top Brass? Are you ranked just beneath Top Brass? How much power do you have to change the system, and how much of
this is a true reflection of your leadership style?
If you analyze your situation, you can generate positive solutions to meet your challenges. What type of culture are you fostering? Is it a negative
culture filled with hostility and fear? If this is the case, then perhaps you put too much trust in your subordinate leaders who are, in turn, terrorizing the
employees. Once you define the problem, you can make changes. If I am talking directly to you, just know you can turn this around. You must, however,
be a model (on a personal level) who demonstrates excellence.
First, be a strong leader who takes care of problems by making decisions that are good for the system. If you have a few bad leaders, then clean house
so that your employees are free to produce. While you are at it, you may benefit from analyzing your own leadership personality. Be the leader who avoids
the “metastasizing cancers of complaining, criticizing, comparing, competing and contending,” as Covey states. Employees will follow the example of the
leader. “There is nothing more powerful than to be around a person who is a light, not a judge; who is a model, not a critic.”
Second, it is critical that you offer personal one-on-one time to build a relationship with your employees, especially those who appear to have
negative attitudes. Perhaps you may want to orchestrate a week-long trip that helps your organization bond. Negative attitudes are red flags of warning that
problems are sweltering. They also indicate that people may feel misunderstood or “unheard.” Therefore, you must make them feel understood. If you seek
to understand your employees, it may be “so therapeutic, so healing and so affirming to them that often times you end up working on the roots rather than
just snipping about the lack of fruits,” as Covey notes.
Third, sometimes there are other forces at play that are beyond your control. Perhaps the negativity has nothing to do with you or your organization.
If you have otherwise “good” employees with desirable work ethic, then they are worth keeping. The best thing to do is show sincere concern, smile and let
it go. You can strategize silently. This keeps the negativity from growing and avoids the added problem of employees “ganging up” on you. You may also
want to build people up by utilizing their talents, which helps empower them and reduces the negativity. This is why it is so important to know the
strengths and weaknesses in each person. If you strive to bring out the best in others, they will eventually bring out the best in your organization.
Fourth, be the type of leader who has courage to make tough decisions that are not always popular. A good leader knows how to collaborate and
delegate, but one who also knows how to manage the system. There are some things that are not up for negotiation and collaboration. These decisions are
called “management decisions,” and they are made by the leader for the good of the system. This is when the principal allocates certain funds to specific
teachers for school activities because the law specifies which activities receive funds. This is when the assistant principal designs the master schedule to
reflect the strengths of the staff, which is for the good of the overall school site. This is when the bank manager schedules certain people at certain times
based on their strengths, not necessarily their wishes. This is when the leader takes into consideration the needs of all within the system because he is the
one who takes the wrath, much like the district supervisor who networks with community members and businesses and then makes requests of site
principals in local areas.
“You” as a Leader
After my years of “pitfalls” in the educational system, I have come to believe that good leaders possess two things: high emotional intelligence and
good listening skills. These two components help facilitate servant leadership, which is an effective type of leadership that avoids the problems behind this
book.
Servant leadership is the whole-person model of leadership, where the leader sets up the conditions of empowerment by getting out of people’s way,
clearing their path to achieve and then becomes a source of help as requested. Is this the type of leader you are?
Covey says that “self-awareness includes all four intelligences and is a unique human endowment. It is another word for the space between stimulus
and response-the space where you can pause and then make a choice or decision.”
Five components of Emotional Intelligence
1. Self-awareness: Be proactive
2. Personal Motivation: Begin with the end in mind
3. Self-Regulation: First things first, sharpen the saw
4. Empathy: Seek first to understand/then understood
5. Social Skills: Think win-win/Seek to understand/then
understood/synergize
Listening Continuum
1. Empathetic Listening: Within the other’s frame of reference
2. Attentive Listening:
3. Selective Listening
4. Pretend listening (patronizing)
5. Ignoring
Covey claims that “to truly listen, you transcend your own autobiography, to get out of your frame of reference or viewpoint of another person.” This
is called empathetic listening. This is extremely difficult, especially in this fast-paced society in which we live. It is a very rare skill that takes practice and
patience. I know from experience that leadership is fast-paced and time-consuming. When you have three people waiting outside of your door and two
phone calls on hold, it is difficult to give your undivided attention. Leaders have so much going on (with so little time) that they often (unintentionally) cut
other people off when they are speaking. It often makes them seem rude and callous, which damages the relationship-building they are trying to build.
Many times they don’t have the time to sit and listen. Therefore, if you are a leader, it is wise to remember the word “perception” and to monitor yourself
so that you don’t get into a bad habit that ends up biting you in the behind. Most importantly, Covey also says that most communication breakdowns are a
product of semantics: how people define words and empathy almost always eliminates semantic problems. If you are an empathetic leader who has a
reputation of listening to people and building positive relationships, then your employees will overlook a few negative pitfalls.
All things are difficult before they are easy.
-Thomas Fuller
 14. Getting to the Happy Place
Self- Actualized Success
There is no greater employee than a happy person. There is no greater employer than that of a happy organization. That being said, now is the time to
move in a positive direction by leaving the past behind.
As Abraham Maslow’s theory denotes, the self- actualized person is the happiest because he or she is content, longing for nothing. Unfortunately,
this is the perfect world that many of us may only dream about because no one has had the perfect childhood, where all of our needs were met. Many of us
are still “wounded children” trying to survive in the adult world. Our wounds may run very deep, and these scars are a motivating factor in how we
continue to live our lives. If, for example, you were raised by a tyrannical, abusive father who was overbearing and controlling, you may have a terrible
time “reacting” to a boss who is a bully. This situation brings forth those old wounds, and I contend that we gravitate toward painful situations so that we
may heal from the past “hurt.”
I was in the library one day and was drawn to a book titled Radical Forgiveness. Putting those two words together, I yearned to find the author’s
meaning. I flipped through its contents and found it enterprised with healing ideas that are worth sharing.
If we understand the interconnectedness of thoughts and reality, we can begin to understand the root of feelings, which are the catalyst to those
dangerous perceptions. It is in this space that we can then begin the process of healing. We create much of our pain because we “stuff down” the painful,
hurtful experiences, and we hold resentment against our abusers. How do we free ourselves from the negativity to live in peace and harmony with others? I
will summarize Colin Tippin’s ideas and let you be the judge.
According to Tippin, we create our reality through the Law of Cause and Effect, which means that our thoughts transpire in the physical world as
physical effects. This makes perfect sense. When we think about something, either positive or negative, we bring it about. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We create our reality by generating all that is in our subconscious. If we unknowingly think something, we can make it happen through our actions. If you
are so frightened that you will be terminated, you may behave in awkward ways (out of fear) that cause your dismissal. If you are so afraid that your spouse
will leave you, you may behave in such a needy, insecure manner that he or she moves onto someone else. If you are so afraid of “losing control” of your
people at work, you may lose them automatically by micromanaging them and treating them abrasively.
Our world offers a mirror of our beliefs. This is why we tend to gravitate toward the things that scare us the most or that which brings us the most
discomfort. When we don’t like something, we repress it or project it outward. According to Tippin’s belief:
“Operating together, repression and projection wreak havoc upon our relationships and our lives. Together they maintain victim
archetype. Operating as a normal psychological defense mechanism, repression occurs when feelings like terror, guilt, or rage become so
overwhelming that the mind simply blocks them entirely from conscious awareness. This makes repression a powerful mental safety device, for
without this blocking mechanism we could easily go mad. It works so effectively that absolutely no memory of the feelings, or that even who
precipitated them, remains. It can be completely blocked from conscious awareness for days, weeks, or years-sometimes even for the rest of
your lifetime.”

If this is the case, then it would stand to reason that we would blame people or find it difficult to get along with certain personalities (if they reminded
us of our abusive father or mother) in the workplace or elsewhere. It would make sense that we would repeat the same old patterns of bullying and
victimization until we, ourselves, become empowered. This wisdom is worth weight in gold because awareness is the key to change. If our mind becomes
our own worst enemy, then it is time to take control of the thoughts that strangle you.
I have known many people who have zero tolerance for the psychological “babble,” as they would claim because they believe people should “just get
over it” and live their lives in the present. These individuals, I might add from observation, lead pathetic lives with plastic exteriors. These are the
emotionally unavailable people that have a difficult time dealing with deeper level thinking. They seem to possess low emotional intelligence, which makes
it difficult for them to sustain positive relationships with others because they minimize everything. These are the employers and employees that have the
most difficulty with the contents of this book and would, most likely, purport that they don’t need to read anything like this.
Again, change only transpires through the school of hard knocks and when the discomfort becomes so great that something must be done. It is,
however, like everything else that we have learned in our lives. We drive a car the way we learned to drive. Until we learn otherwise, we will continue to
employ the same old rules of the road. If you remain rigid, refusing to have an open mind regarding these matters, then what positive changes might you
help create? Whether or not we choose to admit it, the abuse we suffered fifty years ago is still somewhere in the here and now and, in many cases,
governing our actions.
According to Tippin, the abuse may remain in the unconscious mind as well as in the body. It becomes locked into their system at the cellular level
and creates an energy block in the body. This is the “stuck energy” that needs to be released, which we will discuss at length. If left unresolved for too long,
this block gives rise to either mental/emotional problems, physical problems, or both. It is worthy to note that this very repressed emotion may be
recognized by many researchers to be one of the principle causes of cancer. This is something to ponder during our doubt. Let us continue with Tippin’s
theory.
“When a thought gathers sufficient energy to become a belief, it has an even greater effect in the world. It becomes an operating principle
in our lives, and we then create effects-circumstances, situations, even physical events-that hold true to that belief. What we believe about the
world is how it will always be for us. Acceptance of the principle that thought is creative is fundamental to an understanding of Radical
Forgiveness, for it allows us to see what turns up in our lives represents what we have created with our thoughts and beliefs. It allows us to see
that we are simply projecting all our thoughts and beliefs about ‘the way things are’ onto the world.”

Therefore, if you really want to know what you believe, just look at what is happening in your life. What are you projecting? “If you keep getting
attacked or disasters keep happening to you, the likelihood is that you believe the world is inherently an unsafe place. You are creating these events to
prove that you are right about that and people are supporting you in the belief by appearing to you to behave in a threatening or dangerous manner.”
When we truly give up our need to control the world and everything in it, we may surrender. If I may add a side note: Only love has the ability to
remove painful energy, like that which results from child abuse, for example. Exterminating this energy can be very difficult, but can be achieved by
understanding how you produce your own energy field.
Morphic Resonance
Tippin explains a theory called Morphic Resonance, coined by an English biologist, Rupert Sheldrake. His theory assumes that energy, either positive
or negative, gains momentum from certain fields. He denotes that fields are self-organizing and self-regulating systems in nature that organize and sustain
patterns of each other by morphic resonance to create these fields, which are constantly changing and evolving. Let us explain this theory that is relevant to
our conversation. “When one element in the field changes, this affects the whole field. The concept seems to be applicable at all levels, from quantum
phenomena to social group behavior.” This is why it stands to reason that when one person in a group changes, the rest of the group has to adapt to the
change or ostracize the member. Many times, the group rejects the “outcast,” and this can cause bullying and workplace hostility.
Once you are ostracized from a group or bullied for not conforming, you may experience the same terrorizing emotions as you did as a kid and
awakens that same stuck energy that is trapped within. The same hatred and hurt pronounces itself in the conflicts at work or in your relationships. You
hold grudges and “hate” others or you attempt to get even and teach someone a lesson. Or you get a lawyer to sue the ass off of them. Or you blacklist
someone else who has blacklisted you. It never ends.
The conscious and subconscious is so overrun by negativity, which is housed in energy fields and then feeds on itself, that it becomes more intense.
You are so attached to the hatred and anger that you become stuck in a cemented state of unhappiness. This is no way to live and, in fact, it is dangerous. If
gone unchecked for so long, it can produce the snap that takes lives: the one that goes postal while taking out a gun and shooting everyone.
This is something to think about.
Letting Go of Anger
When you resist or push away anger and negativity, it comes back two fold, and at a faster pace. “Since anger represents energy in motion, resisting it
just keeps it stuck within us-until the volcano erupts. Releasing anger actually means freeing the stuck energy of held emotions by allowing them to move
freely through the body as feeling.”
What we call anger is not really anger. It is simply the process of getting energy that is stuck in the body moving again. It might be more
appropriately called energy release work. Whatever we call it, the process can be as simple as screaming into a cushion, yelling in the car, beating cushions,
chopping wood, or doing other explosive physical activity. The main idea is to get it all out and let go of it.
All too often we block the energy of emotion, whether it be anger, sadness, guilt, or something else. We should proceed with the intent of having the
feeling flow through the body without thought or judgment, like screaming into a tape recorder or beating a pillow to a fake death. If we truly can surrender
to the emotions, we will feel more alive than we have felt in a long while, and we will find that the energy has dissipated. And then you move on, but there
you are again, only with more conflict. What do you do? How do you finally resolve the conflict?
For one, you may do energy work, as suggested earlier. I know people who have successfully used this technique. It removed years of stuck
emotions. Afterwards, inner peace arrived and the training the thoughts process continues for the rest of their lives.
You may find a good professional therapist to help you dig up your past and make peace, or you may find a spiritual religious denomination. It
depends on your preference and what meets your needs.
At the risk of suggesting a technique that may seem very strange, I have known individuals who found letter writing to themselves (as Tippin shared)
very therapeutic. The idea is to connect with the subconscious mind via pen and paper:
Date: ________________ Name: ______________________________
Dear Higher Self:
I, _______________________, hereby grant you, my Higher Self, my Soul, my Super-Conscious Mind, my DNA, my cellular money, and all parts of
myself that might want to hold onto unforgiveness for whatever reason, permission to release all of the misunderstandings, unfounded beliefs,
misinterpretations, and misguided emotions, wherever they may reside, whether in my body, my unconscious mind, my DNA, my conscious mind, my
chakras, and even my Soul, and I ask all those who want the best for me to assist in this releasing process.

Dear Higher Self:

I, _____________________, do hereby forgive myself, accept myself just the way I am, and love myself unconditionally just the way I am, in all my
power and magnificence.
I, ____________________, do hereby release myself to my highest good and claim for myself freedom, fulfillment of my dreams, wishes, and goals,
clarity, love, full expression, creativity, health, and prosperity.
I, __________________, do hereby forgive _______________________. I release him or her to his or her highest good and set him or her free. I bless him
or her for having been willing to be my teacher. I sever all unhealthy attachments to this person and send him or her unconditional love and support.

No matter what form of release, it is imperative that we keep an open mind and continue to seek solutions to challenges. Whether or not you are a bullied
employee or an employer that is trying to turn your organization around, it is important to look within. The goal is to promote transformation so that the
unhappiness and distress that was causing your demise is no longer controlling your life or organization. Again, awareness and insight are just the
beginning of transformation. The hard work begins with implementation and continues indefinitely.
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers
 15. Healing The Past That Haunts Us
Healing the Wounds Within
If the key to change is awareness, then how do we transform ourselves when we are so used to the same destructive patterns? How do we change
when we have repeated patterns for so many years? What does it take to get out of negative situations and, most importantly, how do we avoid doing it yet
another time to avoid the same poor results?
This section is primarily for the “battered” employee, but it also serves as an ah-ha moment for employers to visualize the psycho-trauma this turmoil
generates. After all, we are all human. It could happen to any one of us at any time. Even the highest supervisors (Top Brass) have fallen to the bottom,
only to start all over again.
Self- Discovery
When my friend, Kathy, went through such a horrible time at work and was “forced out,” one of her subordinates gave her a greeting card with
an unusual present tucked inside. It was a beautiful magnet that stated, Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end. This is so true.
Everything has an end, even though it may feel like you are on a nonstop speedway straight to hell.
I believe everything in life happens for a reason and someday we may know what that reason is. I have often heard people comment that “I didn’t
know why at the time and could not fathom why I was in that position. Years later, however, I knew why I was forced to experience that pain because it
prepared me for what else was to come in my life.” No matter what your situation, it will surely pass, as everything else has. However, it is essential that
you build your confidence and surround yourself with supportive ones who believe in you.
Self Reflection
When we are in negative situations that wear us down, it can take a toll on our self esteem. We begin to doubt who we are and, in many cases, we
begin to compare ourselves with other people. Then there is a tendency to pick others apart. This is where past baggage harms us because no matter where
we go, there we are, along with all the painful experiences we have had. Then we may take our pain and anger out on others or transfer it to other things.
The hurtful energy field begins to expand, and you draw more painful situations your way.
Even though we are a summation of our experiences, we are responsible for creating our destiny. The danger with this is that it mainly happens at a
subconscious level, and we rarely recognize it. When we are battered with emotional pain, it is easier to blame others. This stunts our emotional growth
because the anger and blame game keeps us from identifying the “root” of our problem. Here are some questions to ponder:
• What could you have done differently? What were your mistakes?
• Did you appear too weak? Perhaps you were lacking in social skills, which invited treacherous people to feed on you?
• Did you make enemies at first or did you “tip your hand” too quickly, allowing others to make negative perceptions of you?
• Did that tarnish your reputation? Did you “not help enough” or present yourself as “not a team player?”
• Perhaps you tried to change the culture and were cast out?
• Maybe you were in a painful relationship, which subconsciously affected your job?
I’m Trapped
One of the factors we often overlook is our career choices. Think about this for a second and ask yourself if you chose the right career. Are you
happy with what you are doing? Do you have a career or do you have a job? Many times we are in positions that make us miserable because it is not our
calling. Yet, we need to make a living somehow and then force ourselves to get trapped in a safety zone.
Judith Sills, author of the book The Comfort Trap, makes several assertions about the things we do to ourselves that make us miserable. According to
Sills, we sometimes put ourselves in a comfort zone that may not be the best place for us. This may include staying in an unhappy marriage (for the sake of
the kids or for the sake of stability – I have even heard of for the sake of the dog) or lingering in a job (that makes us miserable) for the paycheck or the
power (many find power an addiction). This seven-step process (quoted from Sill’s book) suggests ways to break free from the comfort zone that keeps us
safe in the status quo:
1. Face what hurts:
I believe that the driving force for human beings is love and power. When we are deprived of either, we can become miserable. This being said, the
primary source of our unhappiness many times may stem from our personal lives, perhaps from unsatisfactory relationships, and then we project this
misery to all that is around us, including our jobs. If you face your misery and identify where your problems are, you can fix your life once and for all.
Now let the real work begin. Try not to distract yourself from the source of your emotional pain. Think about what is keeping you stuck. Then think
about what you use to lift yourself up. We use many distractions (usually avoidance mechanisms), like blame, fantasy, or denial. By using these
mechanisms, we temporarily ease what hurts without actually confronting the change. Then, ten years pass and where are you? If you have lived in the
unawareness, you have not grown. And the cycle repeats itself.
2. Create a Vision:
It is important to create a realistic vision of a new comfort zone, even in the face of all your conflicting fears and demonizing thoughts.
A psychotherapist I once knew said it perfectly, “Have the fear and do it anyway.” No matter what the it is that you fear, first identify it and train
your mind to recognize what triggers your fear. This is the best advice I have ever received because fear is what holds us hostage and destroys all (possible)
future happiness.
3. Make a Decision:
The catalyst for true change is discomfort. When we are uncomfortable enough in one chair, we will move to another. It is a subconscious thing.
When you are frustrated and unsatisfied in your situation, you will make a change. I once knew a therapist who gave a lecture on domestic violence. One of
her clients had returned to her abuser for the eighth time. “She just has not had enough yet,” the therapist stated. And she was right. Once you wake up
from the subconscious and get in touch with the discomfort, you will commit to make a decision, no matter how difficult it may be.
4. Identify your Pattern:
Take a good look at your habitual routines and what keeps you “safe.” Examining your personal patterns can reveal what you must do next. Where
have you done this before? Explore the routines and patterns in your life, especially all that has gotten you into trouble. The woman who returned to her
abuser for the eighth time might then realize there will be a ninth, unless she makes the decision to change.
5. Let go:
Once you recognize the toxic emotions that are holding you back, you can begin to isolate them. Keep track of your feelings and recognize the guilt,
obligation, or attachment that must be loosened or resolved before you are able to move forward. What losses will you incur and how can you minimize
them? Identify who may get hurt and be ready to feel the pain. Do you need to make a job change? How much of a financial loss will you take?
It is worthy to note that guilt is the same toxic emotion as fear and could cause irreparable damage to your life.
Guilt is like a toxic bulldozer, if I may speak figuratively. It functions subconsciously and “directs” the actions (or lack thereof) that we take.
I have seen many dysfunctional people that are the byproducts of unhappy parents that would never divorce for the sake of the kids. These kids
someday become adults who have difficulty functioning in the world, especially the workplace. And, again, it becomes everyone’s problem.
6. Face your fears:
According to Sills, “Between your comfort zone and your heart’s desire lies the electric fence (of anxiety) that holds you hostage from moving on.” If
you want to free yourself and find happiness, you must face these fears head on. If we don’t face the fears, we become worse. “Normal concerns may
calcify into fears and phobias,” and this can ruin our lives.
Again, if you identify your fears and “do it anyway, you will start to overcome obstacles in your life.” If you are afraid of dogs, for example, then
make sure you put yourself in close proximity to one dog a day. If you are afraid to change your job for fear of financial loss, then take action to seek
alternate employment on a daily basis. Plan an out that will make you more comfortable.
7. Take action:
The first step to transformation is taking action to meet your goal. Aside from feeling organized, it will give you the energy you need to proceed.
Devise a distinct plan that will show you what you need to do to bring about change. Self discipline will help you embark upon “a system for dealing
constructively with the pain of problem solving, instead of avoiding the pain,” says Stills.
Discipline may be categorized in the area of cognitive thinking, which is training or retraining the mind. It involves decision making, planning, and
rational judgment, which can’t be accomplished when emotions cloud reason. Most people (who are cemented in fear or trapped in painful situations) are
bombarded with emotion. They are held hostage by that famous committee in the head that subconsciously chants negativity about who we are or what we
do, etc. The goal is to replace those old tapes with new ones that will help you think more highly of yourself. Recognize the committee and its script and
then deliberately keep the new tapes going in your head. Recognize the same old patterns as just thoughts that you allow to run your life. “Thank you for
the thought, committee, but I will be the boss of me from now on.”
There is no doubt that pain is a great precursor for change. When people are miserable enough or have lost enough, they will make change occur. The
key is to change before you get bullied on the job or before you are taken to the cleaners in an ugly divorce. Get out while the out is close to getting. Many
of us, however, do not do this. We refuse to listen to our inner voice and neglect to take care of ourselves.
If you recognize your fears and refuse to get stuck in a comfort trap, you can discipline yourself enough to make the transition. Then you would be
taking care of you. Here is Sill’s plan to help with this:
1. Be consciously aware of how and what you are avoiding.
2. Make a commitment to act.
3. Be deliberate and employ ongoing internal talks to remind you of who you want to be and what you can be. Stop listening to the committee in the
head.
Now devise structure:
1. What do I need to do?
2. When will I do it?
3. Where will I do it?
4. What exactly will I say, do, ask?

Head Games
We can overcome fear if we discipline and train our minds to pay attention to our thoughts. Sometimes this is next to impossible, but it can be done
with hard work. Cognitive thinking is instrumental in training the mind. It involves decision making, planning, and rational judgment, which can’t be
accomplished when emotions get in the way of reasoning. It is that famous committee in the head that subconsciously chants impending doom about who
we are or what we do, etc. I am such a failure! Everyone will hate me! No one likes me! I fail at everything! I will disappoint everyone. I can’t say no. I
can’t leave.
The way to fire that old committee and destroy the poisonous tapes is to hire a new one with a brand new script: I may fail, but I may succeed! I am
okay either way! People may hate me and some probably will, but some will like me, too. That’s the way life is! Some people like me. I do fail at some
things, but I succeed at others. It is essential to deliberately keep the new tapes going in your head. Recognize the same old patterns and tapes as “just
thoughts” that you allow to run your life. Whenever you recognize the self-sabotaging thoughts, repeat the affirmation: Thank you for the thought,
Committee, but I will be the boss of me from now on.
The Space Between Moon and Earth
Although you can become enlightened and design a map for change, the pain rarely dissipates forever. As we discussed earlier you still have those
painful experiences (buried somewhere within) that haunt you. Once we have been so traumatized by an experience, it stays with us. For example, the
veteran that returns home from war may presently be in a safe environment, but the war is forever going on inside of him. He has tremors. He suffers from
nightmares. His relationships suffer as post traumatic stress plagues his thoughts and emotions. Paranoia eats away at him. Guilt may set in. Inner peace is
as far away from him as is the space between the moon and earth. Nothingness – the black emptiness of outer space. He is a tortured soul. This situation
may be more severe than workplace bullying, but the long lasting effects are similar. Trauma is trapped inside of you. The wearing down process leaves
you inept in many ways.
Enough is enough. I wrote this book as a source of help, as well as a guide of enlightenment. It is time to undo the effects from the wearing down
process. Here are some more tips that may help you. Once you have gone through a terrible ordeal, you are stuck until you find a way to get yourself
unstuck. If you are an employer, it is perhaps a good idea that you become aware of what it takes to undo the damage that is done from a hostile work
environment, so that you can examine your hostile culture.
If you are an employee, you can free yourself. First, you may want to invest in a voice recorder. You can use the recorder as a means to unload your
pent-up feelings, thoughts and reactions, like an avalanche of emotional spit. Spend an hour recording yourself. Say anything without monitoring your
demeanor. Let it come barreling out of you. If you want to scream at someone, then pretend that person is sitting there in front of you and yell like hell. It is
sort of role playing without the second party involvement. The goal is to keep the emotions rolling. Keep going until there is nothing left to say, and then
rewind it to the beginning and listen to everything you said.
Once you identify your baggage, you can heal it. Don’t worry. You are not crazy, and you have not gone mad. The goal is to release the pent up
anger and resentment that is stored in your chakras or certain points in the body. Identify the emotion, whether it be anger, sadness, fear, guilt, or any other
negative emotion, and then attach its source so you know who and what you need to confront. Bust that negative energy field so that it’s strength is
minimized.
You can then attach your new-found wisdom to a technique that veterans have found helpful as a means to release the stored trauma from the body.
The painful energy that is holding you captive can be released with a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), which is a wonderful way of
releasing the trauma from the chakras because traumatic situations are stored within us until we release them. We become fragile and stuck and,
unfortunately, this can last a lifetime, like the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PPSD) that many war veterans know all too well. EFT helps release this by
allowing light tapping on certain areas and points of the body. This helps release the energy, especially while you are listening to your voice from the tape
recorded. It is very therapeutic.
If we do not release our baggage and get rid of the stored energy, we are bound to repeat the same patterns (that have destroyed out lives). No matter
where you go, there you are, along with all of your past experiences that are stored in your mind, body and spirit. The real solution to releasing the baggage
is success. When you become successful again, your self worth will return and the trauma dissipates.
 The more success you have, the less “sting” will hurt from the past. However, it is a catch twenty because some find it impossible to start over when
they are so wounded at the gut level. Therefore, let the painful past be the catalyst for present change. If you use your bad experience as a stepping stool, it
may lead you to your calling, as some might say. This may mean finding a different career path and attracting quality friends. Some find it necessary to
seek God or some religious denomination that provides great strength and direction during challenging times.
No matter what you do, you will have an easier time starting fresh once the trauma is released. The space between the moon and earth somehow
won’t seem so dark, lonely, and hopeless.

The Permanence of Change

If you have been beaten up badly enough in any situation, you are bound to get to the change point. Therefore, the key to change is awareness,
but (commonly) we only become aware after having been badly bruised. We tend to grow in the dark, like mushrooms sprouting from no light. This is the
funk space, the dark empty space between the moon and Earth. It forces us to evaluate our behaviors and choices. This is when growth occurs. In the
context of our discussion, it may be forced upon you through bullying or termination.
The key is to remain grounded. Once you can begin to understand yourself and the roots of your challenges, you can become your own protector.
When you recognize your triggers, you can identify a personal pattern which may help you avoid the same mistakes next time. You can now identify
whatever it is in your past that is following you around making you self destruct. The reflection process is healing and may serve as a catharsis. It is
insightful to answer the following questions:
1. Where have I done this before? Have you been bullied at work before? Have you been terminated before? Perhaps you have been the bully?
2. When have I felt this before? When have you felt isolated, ostracized, rejected, humiliated or pushed out?
3. Is there a familiar life theme here? Are you a victim in life? Are you a perpetrator? Do you live in denial? Do you face reality or try to change
reality to meet your comfort zone? Do you force others to do what you want, either through cunning manipulation or force?
4. What will I have to give up? Can I break through the limitations I impose and be willing to give up? For example, will it hurt your pockets if you
take a lesser paying job? How many people are you supporting and are you financially free to make changes in your career? How many years do you
have invested in your profession?
5. Who am I trying to protect, and how will my progress hurt that person? Maybe you have another challenge that is more personal. Is your
marriage or relationship weighing you down and affecting your career? Are you passionate about the career you have chosen? Are you a happy
person down deep? Have you been rejected in love and are you fighting the demands of life? Maybe you want out of a dead relationship and are
vomiting guilt, which spills over into your job. Who will get hurt if you decide to quit your job and move on?
6. What do you need to let go of? A sour job? A poor relationship? A stale career? What makes letting go easier? This is a difficult question that
takes a plethora of thought. It is difficult because nothing eases the pain of an ending, whether it is a marriage, relationship or career.
Now, hold steadfast to your goal and try to do the following:
7. Arm your inner voice with all the tools it needs to counter your self-defeating thoughts. Your comfort trap has a claim on you. You are attached
to it-emotionally, intellectually, socially, financially. It is the voice of dread, restriction obligation or habit. Try to pay attention to your thoughts and
write them down. For example, take control of self-defeating thoughts such as I can never do this; I will never succeed at this; everyone will hate me
for this; I can’t do this to him or her; If I do this, it will ruin my life.
These tapes are self-defeating and destructive. The key is to recognize these thoughts and label the feelings that are associated with these tapes. If you let
your thoughts and feelings control you, you will keep yourself trapped. This is the problem with depression. Depressed people don’t feel like doing
something, so they lay on the couch all day. Nothing gets accomplished. Then they feel worse because they know they are letting life pass them by. They
are subconsciously succumbing to the thoughts in their head and have very little control over their lives. This is the problem with dysfunction and the
destructive lifestyles it produces.
You can overcome it if you train yourself to feel the fear and do it anyway. Have the guilt and do it anyway. Try to replace this tape with positive
thoughts that affirm your power. I can do this. I may or may not succeed at this, but I must try; some people may not agree with my choices and that is
okay. If I do this, I will bring changes to my life.
This is the committee in the head scripts we just discussed. These thoughts are powerful because they create feelings and, on a subconscious level,
prompt us to make certain decisions. We then act in ways that keep us stuck. This is where we get into trouble.
If you understand this concept, you may begin to take charge of your life. One suggestion is to write yourself a statement that soothes your own fear
or contradicts your own limiting belief. I may not be able to make as much money, but I will survive and overcome all financial obstacles. This means that
you are confident that you will pull yourself out of any hole. Once you have it, say it, write it, meditate on it, visualize it, and swear by it.
Toxic Emotions
In my personal endeavors, I have found the two most toxic emotions are guilt and fear because they are the driving force behind the decisions we
make or fail to make. They have the capacity to (and will) handicap our lives. Some helpful insight or (toxic) thoughts from Sill’s book may help:
1. Fear of rejection: “I can’t risk the contest because I can’t bear not being chosen.”
2. Fear of commitment: “I can’t choose, decide, and close the door, because I might miss an opportunity.”
3. Fear of Separation: “I can’t bear to be without him/her. Anything is better than being alone.”
4. Fear of Intimacy: “I can’t reveal myself because I won’t be loved.”
5. Fear of Confrontation: “I can’t face the pain of displeasure.”
6. Fear of being controlled: “I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I can’t submit to another’s will.”
Whether or not we choose to admit it, these are sabotaging thoughts that take hold of us and make us behave in certain ways that may ruin our lives.
We may damage careers, relationships, and everything else because of toxic emotions. Once we get a grip on them, we can get a hold on our future
happiness. The hardest part about this is that it is a lifelong process that usually starts at birth and lasts until death. It is hard work, but your happiness is
worth it.
Karma Compromising
When I was hired as an administrator, I was instructed to “redirect” a female employee in her tasks because she was not performing her job in a
satisfactory manner. In so doing, the young woman was resistant to my directives. Additional action was required. Without elaborating in great detail, she
was resistant and downright insubordinate in her retort. One day, however, the “big” boss had come to visit our office with a newly hired supervisor. While
we were in the lunch room making small talk, the same young woman entered the room and joined the conversation. The new “higher up” remarked on
how lovely and cooperative she was. I smiled without comment. The big boss looked at me in question. “I am impressed. You never said a negative word!”
He patted my shoulder as he walked away. Although I felt honored by his recognition, I did not believe it was my place to plant seeds of doubt about this
young woman. I did not want him to “prejudge” her based on the experience we had that could, potentially, ruin her career. If she was going to ruin her
career, I wanted her to do it on her own without jeopardizing my own karma.
That being said, only you can decide your fate, and only you control your actions and behaviors that give you rewards and consequences. For every
decision you make in life and for every action you put forth, there is a counter action that comes back to you. This is called a response. This is the old
saying “You reap what you sow.” Some call it karma. Whether you are a bullied employee or an employer in shambles, there is always room for change.
You control your own destiny and you have within you the power to find the happiness that you are seeking, either for yourself or for your organization.
May peace find you and may you be bullied no more!
 Notes

Cohen, Lawrence J., Catherine O’Neill Grace, and Michael Thompson. Mom, They’re Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems. Canada:
The Ballentine Publishing Group. 2002.

Covey, Stephen R. The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness. New York: Free Press: A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 2004.

Maslow, Abraham H. Maslow On Management. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 1998.

Sills, Judith, Ph.D. The Comfort Trap. New York: Penguin Books Ltd. 2004.

Tipping, Colin. Radical Forgiveness: a revolutionary five-stage process to: heal relationships, let go of anger and blame, find peace in any situation.
Colorado: Sounds True, Inc, 2009. Print.