Emotional Intelligence: How to Master Relationships, Raise Your EQ, and Develop Strong Social Skills

by Judy Dyer

© Copyright 2019 by Judy Dyer

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written
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Disclaimer: This book is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the
subject matter covered. By its sale, neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering
psychological or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a
competent professional should be sought.
CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1: What is Emotional Intelligence?

Chapter 2: Types of Empathy

Chapter 3: Components of Emotional Intelligence

Chapter 4: Emotions – What Are They?

Chapter 5: Factors That Influence Your Emotions

Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Emotions

Chapter 7: Finding Happiness

Chapter 8: Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace

Chapter 9: Emotional Intelligence in the Home

Chapter 10: Emotional Draining and Energy Vampires

Chapter 11: The Emotional Intelligence Test

Chapter 12: Improve Your Emotional Intelligence – 10 Day Challenge

Conclusion
INTRODUCTION
Work hard, improve your intellectual capabilities, get the best grades in school, and carve out a career
for yourself. Does this sound familiar to you? Most people reading this will have answered ‘yes’ because
since childhood, the majority of us have been taught that this is the recipe for success. Anyone who
didn’t work hard and wasn’t ‘book smart’ was either directly or indirectly labeled as a failure. As you
probably know, there is always going to be an advantage to being book smart; such people fly through
school, get awarded scholarships for higher education, get accepted into Ivy League colleges, and are
more likely to get hired by a multinational corporation. However, this type of intelligence can only get
you so far. It might get your foot in the door, but it’s not going to take you all the way to the top.

According to psychologists, there is a main ingredient missing in the standard recipe for success, and it is
called “emotional intelligence.” Until 1995, it was a relatively unknown concept, but it was popularized
by Harvard Psychologist, Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More
Than IQ. It was so popular, in fact, that it kept its place on the New York Times bestseller list for eighteen
months. The question is: ‘Why did this term become such a big hit?’

The reality is that humans spend the majority of their time managing people and their emotions. We are
emotional creatures, and whether at work or at home, we are constantly faced with the emotional state
of the individuals we deal with. Few people are concerned about your level of intellect, but they do care
how they feel after interacting with you. This does not mean that it is not important to be intelligent
because it is; however, the ability to read people accurately, manage your emotions, and respond
accordingly will get you even further.

This book is your emotional intelligence bible. It will teach you about emotions and why they are
important, how to control them and use emotions to your advantage, why emotional intelligence is
important in the workplace and in the home, and most importantly, how you can improve your own
emotional intelligence. If you know that you struggle with emotional intelligence and you apply the
advice provided, you will experience a happier, more fulfilled and successful life.

Thank you for purchasing my book. I wish you every blessing for the amazing future that awaits you.
 ALSO BY Judy Dyer

Empath: A Complete Guide for Developing Your Gift and Finding Your Sense of Self

The Highly Sensitive: How to Stop Emotional Overload, Relieve Anxiety, and Eliminate Negative Energy

The Empowered Empath: A Simple Guide on Setting Boundaries, Controlling Your Emotions, and Making
Life Easier
CHAPTER 1: WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
What does it mean to be intelligent? For most people, the answer will sound something like this:
“Someone who excels at all subjects in school, went on to higher education, perhaps has a doctorate
and holds an abundance of general knowledge.” Basically, society has conditioned us to believe that an
intelligent person is book smart. Although this is partly true, and you do need to be book smart to get
into professions such as medicine, engineering or law, there is more to intelligence than this and it does
not guarantee happiness or success in life.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE – A DEFINITION

Psychologists have provided us with several definitions of emotional intelligence (EQ). However, the
original purpose was to work out how people could be so clever in some areas (book smart) and totally
stupid in others (street smart). What they discovered was that it came down to a lack of emotional
intelligence.

For example, there have been several times throughout history when a politician (I won’t mention any
names) was doing an admirable job while in office and ready to change the world. Then out of the blue,
they are charged with taking bribes or they are involved in a sex scandal. The politician was unable to
control their greed or sexual appetite long enough to do their job effectively.
On the other hand, you have a student who finds school terribly difficult and can barely get a C grade in
any subject, yet he has a budding social life, he has a large network of friends, everyone including adults
love him, he makes all the right life decisions, but he just can’t seem to get ahead in his education.

Emotionally intelligent people generally share the following characteristics:

• They are capable of managing difficult situations.

• They know how to express themselves.

• People respect them.

• They have the ability to influence others.

• People enjoy helping them out.

• They remain calm when under pressure.

• They recognize when they are being overly emotional with people or in a situation.

• They always say the right things and get the results they want.

• They are good negotiators.

• They know how to manage others when negotiating.

• They get things done by motivating themselves.

• They remain positive, even in difficult situations.

HOW YOUR EMOTIONS IMPACT OTHERS

When you are unaware of your emotions, it’s impossible to change your behavior, and some people
have no idea how their emotions can affect others. For example, the manager (let’s call him Richard)
who storms into the office like a raging bull, whacks his papers on the desk and then slumps down in his
chair doesn’t need to say anything because his actions and the look on his face say it all. Richard’s
assistant (let’s call her Donna) comes into the office and brings him coffee, and she detects that
something is wrong. When she asks, he snaps at her! Donna is now upset because Richard is in a bad
mood and she thinks she has done something wrong. The problem is that the manager doesn’t even
know why he’s in a bad mood because he doesn’t understand his emotions.

For Richard, he started having a bad day the minute he got out of bed. His wife told him that his son
flunked all his exams at school. So, Richard is angry at his son because he failed, but he is also angry at
himself because he should have been paying more attention to his son’s schoolwork, but he was too
busy with his job to realize what was going on. He then had an argument with his wife over it. Richard
stormed out of the house to go to work and then almost got into an accident when a car nearly t-boned
him at a roundabout. This made him even angrier. When he arrived at the office, there was no one at
the reception desk, the place looked like a bomb had hit it, and he lost his keys! So now he’s just
infuriated. Everyone who comes into contact with him assumes he’s angry at them. Donna has wracked
her brain trying to work out what she could have done wrong, when, in reality, Richard’s bad mood has
nothing to do with her. If Richard was emotionally intelligent, he would understand why he was
experiencing these negative feelings:

• He is disappointed in his son.

• He is disappointed in himself for not paying his son enough attention.

• He is angry because he had an argument with his wife.

• He is angry because the other driver almost t-boned him at the roundabout.

• He is angry with the office manager for not cleaning up.

• He is angry at the receptionist because she wasn’t at her desk.

If these emotions had been identified, he would have had the ability to control them and take the
following actions:

• Tell Donna that the reason he is upset has nothing to do with her so that she can focus on her
work

• Deal with each individual emotion so that they don’t accumulate

• Use the first 30 minutes of his day to manage his emotions and cool down

• Be more productive because he has acknowledged and dealt with his emotions

• Determine how he is going to deal with his son instead of being angry with him

• Be capable of handling the frustrations that take place in the office

OTHER PEOPLE’S EMOTIONS - LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND THEM

Social intelligence is a person’s ability to tune into the way other people feel, and at some level to
manage the behavior and emotions of those people. Because the majority of people interact with others
most of the time, social intelligence can help optimize those interactions. When you know how the
people around you feel, you have the ability to:

• Calm people down

• Sell products or ideas

• Give a person assistance when they are in need

 • Maintain good relationships

• Gain the trust of others

• Enjoy a good network of friends

Think about this story of two men, Ian and Benjamin, both of whom have different levels of social
intelligence. Ian had a plane to catch, but it was delayed for more than ten hours. He gets in a taxi to his
hotel in Manhattan, but because he didn’t guarantee the reservation, the hotel is now full, and he can’t
get a room. When the reservation clerk tells him this, he screams at him. The clerk apologizes and offers
to call another hotel to see if they have any vacancies. He continues to scream at the clerk, stating that
he made his reservation at this hotel and this is the hotel he is going to stay at. Now he has attracted
attention from the guests and other people working in the hotel.

Ian has now completely ruined his chances of getting any help from the only person who could have
made life easier for him at this point. However, the clerk is used to dealing with people like this and he
doesn’t allow Ian to bully him. Ian eventually storms off in a huff and is left to go out and find another
hotel on his own.

William is waiting in the queue; he is in a similar situation and has heard the entire fiasco. He decides to
try a completely different strategy:

“Hi sir, it must be so hard for you having to deal with people like that when you seem like such a lovely
guy,” he says in a calm and friendly manner.

“It doesn’t happen all the time, very rarely,” the clerk smiles.

“Well I’m sorry to be a pain, but I was on the same plane as the other guy and I was just wondering if
there’s anything available? If I have to, I’ll sleep in the breakfast lounge,” William jokes.

The clerk laughs. “Let me see what I can do for you.”

Within five minutes of going through the system, he looks up and says: “If you don’t mind waiting for a
couple of hours there is a room available, it’s a penthouse suite with a breakfast bar included, it will be
at the same rate as you booked the other room. You can check your bags in and wait in the bar if you’d
like.”

“That’s amazing, thank you so much,” William replies, extremely grateful.

As you can see from this story, when you pay attention to the emotions of others and manage your own
emotions, you reap the benefits. You don’t need to give much to get back more than you bargained for.

There is more to emotional intelligence than being nice to people. You also need to be able to see things
from the other person’s point of view and use your emotions in the right way. There will be times when
you will have to let the other person know that you are frustrated. Therefore, emotional intelligence is
about getting in sync with the emotions of others and then using your emotions appropriately. This is
why empathy is so important.
CHAPTER 2: TYPES OF EMPATHY
While empathy is typically defined as the ability to relate to and connect with another person’s life
experiences whether good or bad, there are actually three types of empathy. These are: social empathy,
cognitive empathy, and emphatic concern.

SOCIAL EMPATHY

This is the unconscious ability to share in another person’s feelings. For example, most people find
themselves in tears when they are watching a sad movie. You didn’t force yourself to cry, the tears just
started falling. In fact, there is a scientific explanation for this. When there are highly emotional scenes
in a film, the body releases more oxytocin than normal. Oxytocin is known as the love hormone, as it
gives us the ability to care for other people. When you have high levels of oxytocin surging through your
body, you become more empathetic, which is why you cry during an emotional scene in a film, even
though the characters are just people acting.

COGNITIVE EMPATHY

Cognitive empathy is your ability to see things from the perspective of another person. It enables us to
put our personal perspectives to one side and focus on how that person views the situation. We are
basically looking at the situation through their eyes. There are several different factors that shape our
perspective; some of them we are born with, while others are as a result of our environment and the
way we were raised. Some of the main characteristics that influence our perspective are: age, gender,
race, nationality, needs, experiences, and talents.

Here is an example of cognitive empathy: You receive a phone call from your friend, and she is terribly
upset about something. After she manages to calm down and tell you what’s happened, you learn that
she has been unfairly fired from the job she has had for the past ten years. She is devastated about
losing her position and afraid that she won’t be able to pay her bills. Deep down you have never
approved of the job, as you felt that not only was she overqualified for it, but she wasn’t using her
natural talents. Your friend never liked the job in the first place; she was just happy that her bills were
being paid. While she is crying to you over the phone, you feel a strong urge to tell her that maybe this is
a good thing because now she can get a job that is more suited to her capabilities. However, instead of
doing that, you look at the job loss through the eyes of your friend. You think about how stressful it is
going to be for her now that she doesn’t know where the money is going to come from to put food on
the table and pay the bills. Also, it couldn’t have happened at a worse time, since she was planning on
buying a house with her partner and starting a family. Now she is going to have to look for another job,
and there is no telling how long it will take before she finds one.

Instead of saying what you really want to say, you take a step back and allow your friend to be upset,
disappointed, and angry without imposing your views on her. This makes your friend feel as if she has
someone on her side that understands what she is going through. If you had chosen to tell her how you
felt, you would have made someone who is already in a bad place feel misunderstood and lonely
because, at this point, all she wants is a shoulder to cry on.

Most people find cognitive empathy difficult because we are so concerned with giving our opinion in a
situation, and if we don’t agree, we refuse to see things from someone else’s perspective. Some people
will attempt to fix the problem by giving them advice on what they need to do next, which can be
equally as annoying.

EMPATHETIC CONCERN

Empathetic concern involves feeling what another person is going through and working towards
alleviating their suffering. At the same time you are acknowledging someone is in distress, you also
know that there is something you can do to stop them from feeling that way and you put it into action.
You will also hear empathetic concern referred to as ‘compassionate empathy,’ which is typically
exercised by those people who step in to help after a natural disaster such as a tornado, hurricane or
earthquake, or any other type of crisis.

This is sometimes the best type of empathy because not only are you showing compassion, but you are
doing something to relieve someone of their pain. Have you ever been in a situation where all your
friend did was listen to your complaints, but what you really wanted was someone to help you out of it?
If you are a naturally empathetic person, it is important that you are aware of the best type of empathy
to use during a crisis. For example, it will not do any good for a doctor to display too much social
empathy. Think about it, the last thing you need is your doctor crying when he is delivering the news
that your test results for cancer have come back positive! Yes, it might be endearing that your doctor
cares so much for you that s/he is just as upset about the diagnosis as you are, but what you need now
more than anything is their empathetic concern. You need to know what they can do to eliminate the
cancer from your body.
CHAPTER 3: COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Adults can do what they want without asking for permission. You decide whether you want to show up
to work, eat cake for breakfast, have a dessert with your meal, or eat pizza every day of the week. If it is
indeed true that adults can do as they please, why do they (most of them) appear to stick to such rigid
routines? The majority of people go to work during the week, eat cereal in the morning, and vary their
meals during the week. The answer to this question is a skill referred to as self-regulation. Self-
regulation means that even though you have impulses to do the things that excite you, it’s better to do
what’s best for you. It’s a form of self-control that involves thinking ahead instead of operating only in
the present.

There have been times when you have woken up in the morning and the last thing you want to do is get
dressed and go to work. However, you know that if you don’t, your bills won’t get paid and you won’t be
able to put food on the table for your kids. Or you might have goals to get promoted at work or win the
employee of the month award. Either way, as difficult as it might be, you get up, get dressed, and make
your way to work.

There are two categories of self-regulation—emotional and behavioral. Behavioral self-regulation is

focused on regulating your own behavior and doing what you need to do to ensure that your long-term
interests are met. The above example of not wanting to go to work but going anyway because you are
thinking of the long-term consequences falls under the category of behavioral self-regulation.

On the other hand, emotional self-regulation involves regulating your emotions. Human beings are
emotional creatures. However, this doesn’t mean that we have to allow our emotions to control us. We
are capable of taking control over our emotions so that they work for us and not against us. For
instance, let’s say you are in a tense meeting with your manager; he is the type of boss who is
condescending and domineering and won’t hesitate to throw his employees under the bus when he
feels the need. During the meeting, your manager proceeds to launch a scathing attack against you and
the team you have been put in charge of. You have done nothing wrong; in fact, everyone except him
has been praising your performance so you have every right to be angry. You can feel the anger in the
pit of your stomach rising up to the tip of your tongue ready to tell your boss exactly what you think
about him. However, you take a deep breath, calm yourself down, and remind yourself that having an
outburst isn’t going to solve anything. In this case, displaying anger is not going to benefit you. If your
boss has a vendetta against you, it will only give him more ammunition to use against you. Instead, you
think about what he has said and take any valid points and use them to better yourself and your team.
This is a positive example of emotional self-regulation.

Emotional self-regulation is an essential skill because it allows us to take control of our emotions before
they take control of us. The thing is that you are not always going to be able to control how you feel
about a situation, but you can control how you manage those feelings.

There are a number of steps you can take to ensure that you improve your ability to self-regulate.

Define your personal values: What are your personal values? You must be clear about them
because they keep you grounded. When everything else gets blurry and foggy, your values will
continue to guide you. Therefore, start by identifying the things that you are passionate about.
Throughout the course of your life, you will have many values—some you will disregard as you
get older, while others you will continue to hold dear to your heart. You are responsible for
continuously defining your personal code of ethics, which will help you make important life
decisions. When you are conflicted about something, you can always refer back to your values
and make the appropriate choices. Relying on concrete values is one of the simplest ways to
self-regulate because you won’t need to waste time thinking about the right or wrong thing to
do; if something doesn’t line up with your values, walk away.

Take responsibility: Taking responsibility for your actions is the only way to self-regulate; it is
impossible to do otherwise. As long as you blame everyone else for what’s going on in your life,
you will never be able to self-regulate because it’s impossible to control what other people do.
For example, your friend invites you out for the night, you go and end up drinking and partying
all evening. You wake up on Sunday morning with the worst hangover of your life and you’ve got
a work deadline to submit a report in the next couple of hours. But rather than blame yourself,
you blame your friend for inviting you out! What you should have done is accept the fact that if
you hadn’t stayed out as late as you did and got drunk you wouldn’t be in this situation. You
knew you had a deadline; it wasn’t your friend’s deadline, it was yours. As convenient as it is to
play the blame game, the truth of the matter is that when we run into misfortune, we are rarely
innocent bystanders. The majority of times, our own actions determine what happens to us.

Remain calm at all times: Everyone knows that one person who, no matter what’s going on in
their life, remains calm at all times. How do they do it? This is a skill that is mastered over time.
 However, there is no need to wait until you are extremely angry about something before you
start practicing staying calm. You can make a habit of being a calm person no matter what
circumstances you are in.

There are a number of habits you can implement to help you become a calmer person—keep a
gratitude journal, get the right amount of sleep, and take relaxing walks. You can also practice
deep breathing, as taking deep breaths will help you to feel less anxious and agitated in
situations that are not working in your favor.

SOCIAL SKILLS

In the context of emotional intelligence, the definition of social skills is quite narrow. There is a distinct
set of social skills required for emotional intelligence, including leadership skills, conflict management
skills, persuasion skills, and communication skills. You also need to be skilled at building rapport and
working within a team. These skills are especially important if you want to get ahead in your career. But
they are equally important in personal relationships; knowing how to operate during social interactions
goes a long way in solidifying friendships and romantic relationships. Let’s evaluate each of these skills
further.

Communication skills: You probably have heard the term, “It’s not what you say but how you
say it.” This is very true. You could have the most powerful message in the world, but if it’s
delivered the wrong way, your words will fall to the ground and have no impact. Also, good
communicators understand that there is more to communication than just talking, you also
need to listen and pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues. Good communicators are
confident in what they are saying but don’t force their views on others. You can take classes to
improve your communication skills, but you can also spend time observing your favorite public
speaker and analyze how they operate when in front of an audience.

Persuasion skills: Persuasion is the art of influencing or convincing someone to do something

they would otherwise not do had you not intervened. However, this is not to be confused with
manipulation, which is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. It is important to know
how to influence people whether you are in a leadership position or not. But before you can
influence anyone, you must know how to read them, so you know how to appeal to their needs.
You will typically find that salespeople possess powerful persuasion skills and are often capable
of convincing other people to buy what they don’t need.

Conflict management skills: What is your first point of contact when you are faced with a
conflict? Do you tackle it head-on, or do you run and hide? The truth is that most of us would
rather avoid conflict like the plague. Yes, there are a small handful of people who thrive when
they are confronted with conflict, but the truth of the matter is that such people are rare.
Whether you love or hate conflict, the world is full of it and one day you are going to have to
deal with it; and when you do run into conflict, it’s important that you know how to handle it.
The essentials of conflict management involve knowing how to rectify a problem without
singling out any of the people involved in the conflict. Rather, they let those involved know that
resolving the issue isn’t about blaming anyone but about finding a resolution. In personal
relationships and work environments, conflict management is an important skill to have. It
allows you to navigate different opinions and interests without getting caught up in
disagreements. You must be very diplomatic and tactful to exercise good conflict management
skills. It isn’t about giving people what they demand, but about getting people to a place where
they believe their problems have been heard and resolved.

Leadership skills: Leadership skills and emotional intelligence are so intertwined that it is
difficult to say where either of them begins or ends. Who is your favorite leader? It might be
your manager, a political figure, or a successful businessperson. Do they have good relationships
with other people no matter who they are? If they have a habit of building strong relationships,
would you call this leadership or emotional intelligence skills? Some people are just born
leaders; it’s in their blood and they have the ability to read others and appeal to their deepest
needs. This is the core of emotional intelligence, but because of this skill, they are also perceived
as good leaders. Those with good leadership skills are typically highly motivated and very self-
aware. However, if you are not a natural-born leader, you can improve your leadership skills.
CHAPTER 4: EMOTIONS – WHAT ARE THEY?
One of the most important components to understand about emotions is that they are not static, they
come and go. You will experience several different emotions throughout the day. You can be happy one
minute and angry the next. Although you do have a certain amount of control over your emotions, it is
important to understand that they are unpredictable. You will set yourself up for failure if you expect to
be joyful all the time.

The first step in taking control of your emotions is understanding their transient nature. You must learn
to experience your emotions without allowing them to define you. There is nothing wrong with feeling
sad. You can allow yourself to feel your emotions without saying things like: “What’s wrong with me?”
or “I shouldn’t be feeling like this.” Instead, you should just accept how you are feeling at that moment.

No matter how strong you are, you will still experience depression, grief, or sadness at certain times in
your life. There are also going to be times when you will feel ashamed, resentful, insecure, betrayed, or
disappointed. You will have doubts about yourself and whether you have the ability to accomplish your
goals. There is nothing wrong with experiencing these emotions because they don’t last.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Some people believe that they are weak if they experience negative emotions, or they blame
themselves for feeling them, or they think they are unstable. Despite what your inner voice is telling
you, there is nothing wrong with negative emotions; they are just emotions. When you are feeling sad, it
doesn’t mean you won’t ever laugh again. Experiencing depression doesn’t mean that you are less of a
person than you were when you weren’t depressed.

It’s not the emotions you are experiencing that create the suffering, but the way you interpret them and
blame yourself for them. In fact, negative emotions can help you. Before you get to the top of the
mountain, you must go through the valley. Sometimes hitting rock bottom will motivate you to become
your best. Even the strongest people on earth get depressed. Elon Musk had a mental breakdown. He
never thought it was possible, but it happened, and he came back even better. Abraham Lincoln became
severely depressed after his fiancé died, but it didn’t stop him from becoming the president of the
United States of America. Negative emotions have a role to play in your life; they may be the wake-up
call you need, or they may teach you something about yourself. When you are experiencing negative
emotions, you won’t see things this way, but after you have come out of the depression, anger, or
sadness and you look back, you will realize that they are what led to your success.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS – THEIR POSITIVE ROLE

Your emotions are not here to make your life difficult; their main purpose is to communicate with you.
Without emotions, you would fail to grow. You can compare negative emotions to physical pain. You
don’t like being in pain, but if you didn’t experience pain, you would probably have died a long time ago.
Physical pain lets you know that something in your body is out of alignment; the desire not to be in pain
will motivate you to book an appointment with your doctor. You may need to have surgery, do some
exercise, or change your diet. If there was no pain, you wouldn’t go to the doctor and whatever ailment
that was attacking your body would get worse and eventually kill you.

Emotions are no different, they let you know that you need to change something in your life. Maybe you
need to get a new job or cut some people out of your life who are draining your energy.

EMOTIONS ARE TEMPORARY

You might feel as if you are never going to overcome depression. You may be experiencing intense grief
because someone close to you has died, but no matter how badly you feel right now, it will pass. Look
back at some of the negative emotions you’ve experienced. At the time, things were probably so bad
that you didn’t think you’d ever get through it. You thought it was impossible to be happy again. But
eventually, you were able to see through the clouds and catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the
tunnel. Negative emotions are not here to stay; one day you will experience joy again.

It is important to note that if you are continuously experiencing the same negative emotions, you may
be holding onto some self-limiting beliefs and need to make some changes in your life. You will probably
need to see a therapist if you suffer from chronic depression.

THE COMPLEXITIES OF EMOTIONS

Have you ever been so bound by your emotions that you thought you’d feel that way forever? Not to
worry, you are not the only person who experiences this. When you are going through a crisis, you filter
your experiences through your negative emotions. While nothing has changed in the world, the way you
experience things is different because of the way you feel. For example, when you are going through a
depression, the food you once thought tasted delicious, now tastes awful. Your favorite movie is now
boring, and you no longer enjoy the activities you once engaged in. You feel trapped and powerless and
only perceive things through a negative filter. However, when you are in a positive mood, you love life,
and everything is great. You will always experience negative emotions, but they will pass, and you will
grow in wisdom every time you have to deal with these emotions.

Your emotions will always fool you. Even if you understand that they don’t define you, sometimes you
can forget that they are only temporary. Emotions will come and go, but you will remain.

External factors are not always the direct cause of a change in your emotions. You may have the same
amount of money in your bank account, the same job, the same friends, but you still experience
extremely different emotional states. If you look back over your past, you will realize that there are
times when you have felt depressed for a few days and nothing about your life circumstances has
changed. You bounce back shortly after and then realize that the only thing that changed was the way
you were speaking to yourself.

Make a conscious effort to pay attention to these emotional cycles so that you can defeat this trickery. It
would help if you wrote these incidents in a journal so that you gain deeper insight into the way
emotions work so that you are better able to handle them. Negative emotions captivate you like a spell,
and you will feel as if it’s impossible to break free from them. You know that there is no point dwelling
on negative thoughts, but you can’t seem to pull yourself out of it. You allow your thoughts to control
your emotions, and as a result, you feel even worse and there is no rational argument that can get you
to see things from a different perspective. The more the emotions reflect the way your life is, the easier
it becomes to remain in that state of mind.

Your emotional state will have a powerful effect on the way you view life, and your behavior will reflect
this. When your emotions are positive, you have more energy, and in turn, you have the following:

• More confidence

• Openness to consider things that will improve your life

• The strength to step out of your comfort zone

• More emotional stability to handle the tough times

• Enhanced creativity and better ideas

• The ability to tap into more positive emotions

When you are experiencing negative emotions, you have less energy, which causes the following:
 • A lack of confidence

• No motivation to take action towards the things that will change your life

• No desire to step outside of your comfort zone

• The inability to persevere in the face of adversity

• A tendency to tap deeper into your negative state of mind

EMOTIONS ARE LIKE MAGNETS

Your emotional state will attract things that are on the same frequency. This is why when you are
experiencing negative emotions, you attract negative thoughts, and when you dwell on these negative
thoughts, you attract negative circumstances. Therefore, it is essential that you break free from this
cycle.

For example, you may have had a terrible day at work and now you are in a bad mood. You begin to
attract negative thoughts and then you start to fixate on aspects of your life that you are not happy
about. You start thinking about the fact that you are still single at thirty with no kids, are overweight,
and haven’t achieved your career goals. You then remember that you volunteered to work next
Saturday, which reminds you of how much you hate your job. Can you see how much easier it is to
attract negative thoughts when you are in a low emotional state? To overcome this, you must get out of
the habit of compiling negative thinking.

Have you ever wondered why rich, successful people commit suicide? From the outside looking in, it
might appear that these people have perfect lives. However, there is no such thing as perfection; no
matter how perfect things might appear, everyone has some type of issue. If you focus on the issues,
you will eventually become depressed. And in some cases, this depression leads to suicide. Therefore, to
reduce negative emotions, you must learn to compartmentalize your problems. Refuse to allow your
mind to blow things out of proportion by cramming all your problems together because you will only
sink deeper into a depression. Rather, remember that the only place negative emotions exist is in the
mind. When you evaluate your problems separately, you realize that they are not that serious after all.
You don’t need to resolve everything at once; handle them one by one and it will take the edge off
things.

Pay attention to the way you feel. Use a journal to write down your negative emotions; is there anything
in particular that triggers them? As you do this, you will begin to uncover specific patterns. For instance,
let’s say you’ve spent the last few days feeling depressed, ask yourself the following questions:

• How were my emotions triggered?

• What made them worse over these last few days?

• How was I speaking to myself?

 • How did I pull myself out of the feeling of depression?

• What lessons can I learn from this?

Answering these questions will help you understand yourself better and make it easier for you to handle
similar problems in the future.

ACCESSING YOUR EMOTIONS

Have you ever been walking down the street in a depressed state and someone told you to cheer up? Or
have you ever been grieving and been told to be grateful for what you have right now? Apart from the
fact that this was really annoying because whoever said it has no idea how you are currently feeling, it
was impossible for you to access those emotions.

If you have not read the book called Ask and it is Given by Ester and Jerry Hicks, I recommend that you
take a break and go purchase it right now! The book provides a model that explains emotional ranges
and how they are connected and how we can transcend from negative to positive emotions. For
example, the model provides a ladder where hopelessness and depression are at the bottom, and next
we have anger. What this means is that there are stages to negative emotions and each one helps you
climb towards positive emotions. So, if you have been lying in bed for several days because you are
depressed, then you start to get angry about your situation, it’s a sign that you are coming out of the
depression. Think about it: anger motivates you. When you are angry, you have more energy than when
you are depressed.

Whenever you are experiencing negative emotions, pay attention to emotions such as anger that
increase your energy levels. These emotions will help you combat disempowering emotions like
depression and hopelessness. If anger makes you feel better, accept it and use it to pull you out of the
hole you are in.

MENTAL SUFFERING AND EMOTIONS

Every time you focus on a negative thought or hold on to a negative emotion, you create unnecessary
suffering in your life. For example, if you have a pain in your leg, it is the way you interpret the pain that
will accelerate your anguish. Here are some thoughts you might focus on while you are in pain:

• What if this pain is permanent?

• What if the pain disables me and I am no longer able to do certain things?

• What if the pain gets worse?

• What if I need to have an operation?

• What if I have to take time off work and I can’t complete the project I’m working on?
 • This day is going to be extremely challenging with this pain.

• If things get worse, how am I going to pay my hospital bills because I don’t have the money?

This inner conversation only intensifies your suffering; it does nothing to solve the problem. You can still
do what you need to do without focusing on these negative thoughts. The problem is not the negative
emotions; as we have established, they come and go. The problem is how you create mental suffering
because of these emotions.

Procrastination is another form of mental suffering. Have you ever put off starting something for days or
weeks only to realize that once you had completed it, it wasn’t such a problem after all. It wasn’t the
project that was exhausting, but the amount of time you spent worrying about it. Psychologists claim
that the majority of our energy is consumed by mental suffering. After all, it shouldn’t be that tiring to
sit at a desk for eight hours. So why do we come home exhausted? Because of the junk that runs
through our minds during this time.

The majority of our suffering is self-inflicted. If you pay attention to the people you associate with, you
will notice that many of them spend too much time dwelling on past events that they have no control
over. You will notice that they are anxious over future events that haven’t even happened yet. You will
notice that people focus on the same cycle of negative thinking, and most of their problems only exist in
the mind. We must look within to resolve what is wrong on the outside. A lot of us get addicted to our
problems, we play the victim, spend hours discussing them without doing anything to fix them, and
complain. To reduce mental suffering, we must let go of our problems and stop interpreting our
emotions in a disempowering and negative way.

YOUR PROBLEMS DON’T EXIST

I can already hear you screaming at the page! “What do you mean my problems don’t exist? I’m broke,
my boyfriend has left me for my best friend, and I’ve just lost my job. Please tell me how my problems
don’t exist?” Okay, let me give you some inside information.

It doesn’t exist if you don’t focus on it. When you give a problem your attention, you give it life. If
your mind doesn’t acknowledge something, it doesn’t exist. But this typically isn’t what happens.

Your problems are time related. The past or the future is the only place that problems can exist. And
where do these two places exist? In the mind! You must use your thoughts to acknowledge a
problem, and your thoughts don’t exist in the present moment, they are either in the past or the
future.

A problem only becomes a problem when it is labeled. There is no problem until you label the
situation as a problem.

This concept is difficult to get your head around at first, but it’s an important theory that will help you
see things from a different perspective.
CHAPTER 5: FACTORS THAT INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS
Emotions are complex. They are influenced by several factors, and the majority of them are self-
inflicted. As you read in the last chapter, your thoughts affect your emotions; however, there are also a
host of other contributing factors.

SLEEP AND MOOD

How many hours of sleep you get per night and the quality of it affects your emotional state. You’ve
probably experienced feeling grumpy, listless, unable to concentrate, and the inability to deal with
negative emotions because of sleep deprivation. A survey taken by people who suffer from depression
or anxiety found that the majority of the respondents got less than six hours sleep per night. A 2016
study conducted by RAND Europe discovered that people who got less than six hours sleep per night
increased their risk of mortality by thirteen percent in comparison to those who slept between seven
and nine hours per night. The same study also found that sleep deprivation costs the United States
economy approximately $411 billion per year.

SLEEP QUALITY AND HOW TO IMPROVE IT

There are several ways you can improve the quality of your sleep:
 Pitch-black bedroom: You will get a better quality of sleep if your room is pitch black. You can
make your room darker by buying thicker curtains or wearing a high-quality eye mask.

Limit your use of electronic devices: This applies to televisions, tablets, and smartphones.
According to sleep.org, the light that comes from a small electronic device is enough to trick the
brain into a state of wakefulness. In 2014, PNAS published a study that found there was a fifty
percent reduction in melatonin (the chemical that helps regulate sleep patterns) in participants
who read from electronic devices instead of reading a book. It took them approximately ten
minutes longer to fall asleep and their REM sleep (deep sleep) was reduced by ten minutes. The
same participants also reported that they didn’t feel alert in the morning. If it is absolutely
essential that you use electronic devices at night, wear glasses that block the blue light and wear
them a few hours before going to sleep.

Relax your mind: Most people find it difficult to switch off at night and have a thousand and one
thoughts running through their minds. If you are thinking about a new idea, you might get
excited about it, or there may be things that you are worried and anxious about. These thoughts
and feelings make it difficult to fall asleep. You might find that reading a physical book or
listening to soothing music will help you relax.

Don’t drink a lot of water before bedtime: As you know, water makes you go to the toilet,
which will interrupt your sleep in the middle of the night. So, to avoid this sleep disturbance,
stop drinking water two hours before going to bed.

Follow a nighttime ritual: You will get the most out of your sleep if you go to bed at the same
time every night. If you are a party animal and enjoy going out on the weekends, this will be
problematic; but you should at least make this a rule during the week. Even if you do go out the
night before, wake up at the same time you usually do but take a few naps throughout the day
to make up for the lost sleep.

INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS WITH YOUR BODY

By changing your body posture and your body language, you can change the way you feel. When you are
happy or confident, your body expands; you make yourself larger. Have you noticed what happens when
a man sees a woman he finds attractive? His back straightens, his chest expands, and his stomach
becomes tighter. This unconscious behavior is designed to show power and confidence (similar to the
way gorillas beat their chests).

Social psychologist Amy Cuddy conducted an experiment where she had participants adopt a high-
power pose for two minutes; she found that several hormonal changes took place, including:

• A 10% reduction of cortisol

• A 25% increase in testosterone

 • An 86% increase in risk tolerance

She then instructed the same participants to adopt a low power pose for two minutes, and she found
that the following hormonal changes took place:

• A 10% increase in cortisol

• A 15% decrease in testosterone

• A 26% decrease in risk tolerance

By changing the posture of your body or your facial expression, you can change the way you feel. You
don’t need to feel happy to put a smile on your face—do it because you know it is going to make you
feel better. In his book Constructive Living, David K. Reynolds created an alter ego called David Kent, a
depressed, suicidal patient. His aim was to get admitted into different psychiatric facilities so that he
could evaluate them from the inside. Psychological tests proved that he was actually depressed; he
didn’t fake it. He spent time acting depressed by using the body language of a depressed person and
speaking like a depressed person until he actually became depressed.

EXERCISING – THE BENEFITS

Professor of psychology at Boston University, Michael Otto stated that you can compare not exercising
when you feel bad to not taking medication when you have a headache. When David K. Reynolds had
finished with his experiment and it was time to put David Kent to bed, he forced himself to become
physically active. It was difficult for him because he was depressed; however, he persevered and finally
managed to pull himself out of his depressed state. David Kent’s story is evidence that regular exercise
not only improves our physical appearance, but it also enhances our mood.

Several studies have concluded that exercise can cure mild to moderate depression just as well as
antidepressants. Clinical psychologist at Duke University James Blumenthal put severely depressed
sedentary adults into four different treatment groups: a placebo pill, antidepressant therapy, home-
based exercise, and supervised exercise. Blumenthal found that after four months, patients in the
antidepressant and exercise groups experienced higher rates of remission. He followed up with the
same group 12 months later and found that those who continued exercising on a regular basis had lower
levels of depression than those who only exercised every so often. Not only does exercise treat
depression, it also prevents relapse.

The good news is that you don’t need to go on a 25-mile run every day to experience the benefits of
exercise. Going for a 30-minute walk five days per week is more than good enough. PLoS Medicine
published research stating that two and a half hours of moderate exercise per week could increase your
life span by three and a quarter years. According to Professor Otto, your mood is elevated within five
minutes of moderate exercise.

YOUR THOUGHTS INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS

Thoughts are so powerful that they have the ability to create your entire reality. Would you believe me
if I were to tell you that the life you are living now is a direct result of your dominant thought pattern? It
is essential that no matter what your life looks like, your thoughts are focused on what you want in the
future and not your current existence.

THE POWER OF MEDITATION

In Buddhism you will hear of the term “monkey mind.” Buddhists believe that our thoughts resemble a
monkey swinging from branch to branch. In other words, we are constantly thinking about something.
Meditation calms the monkey down putting an end to its restless behavior. Meditation makes you more
self-aware in terms of your thoughts. It makes us aware of the constant stream of thoughts flowing
through our minds at any given time. As your meditation skills improve, you learn to distance yourself
from your thoughts, which renders them powerless and reduces their impact. As a result, you don’t
experience as many negative emotions and you feel more peaceful.

THE POWER OF VISUALIZATION

The subconscious mind is unable to distinguish between real and fake experiences. This means that you
can trick your mind into accepting that something has already taken place by visualizing what you want.
The more detailed the visualization, the more your brain will believe that what it is experiencing is real.
By using visualization to create positive feelings such as joy, excitement, and gratitude, you can train
your mind to experience more positive emotions.

YOUR WORDS HAVE POWER

Your words, thoughts, and behaviors are all interconnected. For example, when a person is not
confident, they will use words such as: “I hope,” “I wish,” or “I’ll try.” Using such words makes you feel
even less confident. On the same note, you can also use words to boost your confidence. For example,
you can say, “I will start making more money,” or “I will lose weight in 60 days.” Here is a list of words
you should avoid:

• Might/should/could/would

• Wish/hope/try

• Perhaps/maybe

• If things go okay

• If things go well

Use these words instead:

• No problem
 • Without any doubt

• Obviously

• Certainly

• Sure

• Of course

• Definitely

• Absolutely

• I will

THE POWER OF POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

Positive affirmations are phrases you repeat to yourself several times a day until your subconscious
mind accepts them as reality. After a while, you will begin to condition your mind to attract positive
emotions such as gratitude or confidence.

How to Use Positive Emotions

• Speak in the present tense “I am,” not in future tense “I will.”

• Refrain from using negative forms such as “I am not fat.” Instead use “I am slim.”

• Whatever sentence you choose, repeat it for five minutes.

• Do this looking in a mirror every day for 30 days (you can do it for longer if you wish).

• Get your emotions involved by using visualization.

YOUR ENVIRONMENT AND HOW IT AFFECTS YOUR EMOTIONS

Your environment is comprised of the things you are constantly surrounded by, which could include
friends, family members, your workplace, your home, and the programs you watch on TV. The next time
you are feeling demotivated, pay attention to your environment, you will notice that something isn’t
quite right. Either your house is a mess, your desk is a mess, or you are surrounded by some seriously
negative people. You will find that once you have had a good clean-up of your environment, you will get
your energy back.

MUSIC AND HOW IT AFFECTS YOUR EMOTIONS

Why do people listen to the Rocky soundtrack when they are working out? Because it motivates them.
Music has a profound effect on our emotions; for example, music can:

• Put you in a positive state of mind

• Give you access to feelings of gratitude

• Motivate you when you are at the gym

• Motivate you when you have no motivation

• Help you fall asleep when you are feeling restless

Several studies have concluded that listening to positive music can help elevate a person’s mood. A
study conducted in 2012 discovered that participants reported feeling in a better mood after listening to
positive music five times for 12 minutes over a two-week period.

Music has the power to condition the mind. Creating playlists that are suited to your specific emotional
needs can have a profound effect on your mental wellbeing and overall success in life. Coach and
endurance athlete Christopher Bergland stated in an article for Psychology Today that he uses music to
motivate him and improve his performance. He also listens to certain songs before speaking in public or
doing a big interview.
CHAPTER 6: RECLAIM YOUR EMOTIONS
We experience different emotions throughout the day, but rarely do we take the time to think about
why we are feeling a particular way and how our emotions are formed. Let’s start by making a
distinction between two types of negative emotions. The first is the type that you experience randomly.
These emotions are for survival purposes, like the fear felt by our ancestors when they were attacked by
saber-tooth tigers. The second type includes the emotions that you attract by identifying with your
negative thoughts. These emotions are triggered by several different things, and they generally last
longer than the first type. This is how they work:

• You start thinking about something

• You make a connection with that thought

• This connection creates an emotional reaction

• The emotion grows stronger as you continue to connect and identify with that thought

• This emotion then becomes a core emotion

When you continuously identify with your negative thoughts, they increase in power. For example, if
you are going through financial difficulties, the more you focus on them, the easier it is for your mind to
search for these thoughts at a later date. If you had an argument with a friend or a family member, the
more you go over the disagreement, the stronger your feelings of resentment for that person will
become. If you made an embarrassing mistake at work, the more you think about it, the stronger those
feelings of shame and regret will become. The point is that when you give thoughts a place in your mind,
they expand and become major points of focus.

The process of identifying with your thoughts is a simple one, but when you give them power, they will
hijack your mind. It is the way you interpret your thoughts that creates suffering in your life.

HOW ARE EMOTIONS FORMED? THE PROCESS

Your emotions are formed in a very specific way: interpretation + identification + repetition = strong
emotion.

• Interpretation: You will interpret a thought or an event based on your personal story

• Identification: As a specific thought enters your mind, you identify with it

• Repetition: Continuously having the same thought

• Strong Emotion: When you have experienced the same emotion over and over again, it becomes
a part of your identity, and this is how people will refer to you. For example: “Miserable Mary,”
“Angry Andy,” or on a more positive note, “Joyful Jennifer” or “Optimistic Oliver.” Anytime an
emotional event or thought triggers it, you experience that emotion.

When combined interpretation, identification, and repetition open the door for emotions to grow. On
the other hand, each time you eliminate one of these factors from the equation, these emotions start to
lose their power. Now let’s take a deeper look at each component.

Interpretation: Every negative emotion you have ever had came as a result of the way you interpreted
an event. This is why two people can have the same experience and react in different ways. One might
take something positive out of it while the other person is devastated by it.

For example, a farmer and a person going on a picnic will have different feelings about a rainy day. To
the farmer, rain is seen as a blessing, and to the person going on a picnic, it is seen as a curse. This is
because of the meaning they attached to the event. To clarify, you must interpret an event in a negative
way for a negative emotion to form. Without your consent, the event itself is unable to trigger negative
emotions. One of the reasons we continue to experience negative emotions is because our expectations
are not met:

• You want your life to be Instagram-ready all the time, but it isn’t

• You want it to be sunny when you go on a picnic, but it rains

• You wanted the promotion at work, but someone else got it

 • You want your side hustle to take off so you can quit your job, but it’s not happening

The way you interpret your reality invites suffering into your life. Your reality can never trigger negative
emotions unless you allow it to.

Identification: For an emotion to have any effect on you, you must identify with it. Emotions cannot
continue unless you focus on them. In general, people feel the need to identify with and engage their
emotions, but what they fail to understand is that your emotions can never define you, they will be here
one day and gone the next.

So, the next time you catch yourself saying, “I’m depressed,” remember that you are the only person
who can make this statement true because you are not your emotions. They may seem like they are you
when you are in the moment, but they will eventually disappear, like grey clouds before a sunny day.
Imagine that you are the sun; it is always there, and no matter how many dark clouds are hiding it, the
sun will never cease to exist. Therefore, you are never depressed, you are simply experiencing feelings
that are referred to as depression.

You can also view your emotions like the clothes you wear. We take our clothes on and off every day, so
what clothes are you wearing today? Excitement? Sadness? Depression? You are always going to wear
different clothes; likewise, you are always going to experience different emotions.

Repetition: If you keep repeating and interpreting events in a negative way and identifying with those
negative emotions that arise out of this thought process, you will condition your mind to continue
experiencing these emotions.

CHANGING YOUR INTERPRETATION

As has been mentioned, a thought or an event does not have the power to change your emotional state.
The way you choose to interpret that thought or event is what generates emotion. There is a close
relationship between the general assumptions you hold about life and the way you interpret things.
Let’s take a closer look at these underlying assumptions.

YOUR UNDERLYING ASSUMPTIONS

To access negative emotions, you have made certain assumptions about the way things should be.
These assumptions form your reality, and because you believe them to be true, you accept them
without questioning them. Examples might be:

• I won’t be happy until I have enough money.

• I must worry about the future to protect myself.

• I must get married before the age of 30.

• Dwelling on the past is perfectly normal.

 • It is normal to complain.

• I shouldn’t involve myself in problems.

Now let’s take a closer look at each one of these assumptions.

I won’t be happy until I have enough money: There is no amount of money that is going to make you
happy if you can’t be content with what you’ve got now. Happiness is a choice, and if you are going to
allow your circumstances to define whether you are happy or not, you are going to spend a lot of time
unhappy because life is full of problems.

I must worry about the future to protect myself: Okay, so you have accepted the fact that you can’t
escape challenges in life. This is a good thing; however, constantly bracing yourself for these challenges
isn’t. You can’t live your life in a perpetual state of worry “just in case something happens” or you will
end up looking for the bad in every situation and you will never enjoy your life.

I must get married before the age of 30: This means that you have attached something negative to
getting married after the age of 30. If for whatever reason you don’t get married before 30, you will
begin to define yourself by that negative trait.

Dwelling on the past is perfectly normal: Have you ever tried driving a car while constantly looking in
the rear-view mirror? It can be done but it’s also guaranteed you will crash the car. The same principle
applies to life. If you are constantly dwelling on the past, you won’t be able to move forward. Dwelling
on the past means that you regret certain decisions you’ve made, and you spend a lot of time living in a
state of guilt and shame. Please understand that you have no control over your past—it has happened,
you can’t turn back the hands of time; it’s impossible. However, what you can do is learn from your
mistakes and ensure you never make the same mistakes again.

It is normal to complain: I am in no way suggesting that you shouldn’t talk about your problems.
However, constant complaining is something entirely different. There are people who would rather
spend hours complaining about their situation than doing something to resolve it. The amount of time
and energy wasted discussing the problem could be spent on brainstorming a solution. An obstacle is
nothing but an opportunity to solve a problem. Think about it like this—the more problems you get to
solve in life, the better you will become at problem solving!

I shouldn’t involve myself in problems: There is a big difference between drama and problems. Drama
is intentionally causing problems in your life or the life of others. Problems are circumstances that you
typically don’t have any control over. People who believe they shouldn’t involve themselves in problems
often brush issues under the carpet and avoid conflict. It is impossible to solve a problem if you don’t
involve yourself in it.

EVALUATING YOUR INTERPRETATIONS

As you have read, the events in your life are interpreted based on your assumptions. Ask yourself these
questions to better understand what your interpretations mean:
 • Do you believe that the events that happen in your life do so for a reason or do you take on the
victim role when something bad happens?

• How do you view temporary setbacks—are they just obstacles that will take you on a different
path to success or do you give up when you are faced with an obstacle?

• Do you accept things you can’t change, or do you try to force change?

• Do you believe you have a purpose in life, or do you wander through life aimlessly without any
clear direction?

• Do you believe that problems should be avoided because they are negative, or are they a
necessary part of life?

Remember, the only difference between a happy person and a sad person is the way they interpret the
events that happen in their lives.

LETTING GO OF YOUR EMOTIONS

Your emotional state is either going to help or hinder you. If you want your emotions to help you, it is
important that you learn to let go of the negative emotions. Emotions are nothing but energy in motion,
but what happens when the energy becomes stagnant? It is unable to move, it gets stuck; therefore,
repressed emotions interrupt the natural flow of energy. Most people are not taught how to deal with
their emotions or that it is natural to experience both positive and negative emotions. Instead, we are
told that negative emotions are bad and should not be expressed. As a result, there is a possibility that
you have spent the majority of your life repressing your emotions. This then causes them to become
embedded deeper into your subconscious, and they then become a part of your identity. You may or
may not be aware of certain emotional patterns in your life, perhaps you are always feeling guilty about
something, or you feel as if you are not good enough. These feelings are the core-beliefs you have
developed over the years by repressing your emotions.

Many of us carry excess emotional baggage that we should let go of. We need to clear out our
subconscious mind of the negative emotions that have accumulated over time and are preventing us
from living the abundant life that we deserve. Your subconscious mind doesn’t need anything else for it
to operate. It has been preprogrammed so that you keep breathing, your heart doesn’t stop beating,
your body temperature is regulated, and a host of other functions. The subconscious mind doesn’t
require anything else to work, and that includes stored negative emotions.

Most of us spend our time living internally. We are always thinking about something, and as a result, we
don’t pay attention to our emotions. It is impossible to let go of something you are not aware of;
therefore, it is essential that you become aware of your emotions. The following steps will set you on
the path to letting go of your emotions:
Evaluate your emotions with detachment. Unless you are very self-aware, when you are experiencing
negative emotions, you don’t pay attention to them, you just experience them. The next time you are
experiencing a negative emotion, detach yourself from it but pay attention to it. You will need to get in
touch with your body to do this and realize that all the images and thoughts going through your mind
are not the emotion, they are how you are interpreting it. Feel the emotion and think about how you
would describe it to a friend.

Label your emotions. Remember, your emotions don’t define you, they come and go; they are not
permanent. People will often say things like “I am depressed,” “I am sad,” or “I am angry.” By doing this
you are identifying with the emotion and defining yourself by it, when whatever you are feeling is not
connected to who you really are. So let’s say for example that you are experiencing a feeling of anger.
Instead of saying, “I’m angry,” you could say, “I’m feeling really angry right now.” By describing how you
feel in this way, you are distancing yourself from your emotions. In this way, you can detach yourself
from them, which makes it easier for you to let go of your emotions.

Let go of your emotions. There are many reasons we become so connected to our emotions.

• They are a part of the story you tell yourself. We can become addicted to our stories, even if
they are destructive and don’t help us.
• Because you are feeling the emotions, you believe them to be real, so you feel a strong
connection to them. You begin to believe that you are your emotions, so you define yourself
by them and as a result, and create suffering in your life.

It is not easy to let go of your core emotions when they have become a part of your identity. Sometimes,
in a twisted way, we gain pleasure from them and may even feel that we are nothing without them.

LETTING GO OF YOUR EMOTIONS – A FIVE-STEP PROCESS

In Hale Dwoskin’s book The Sedona Method, he talks about three ways you can release your emotions as
you experience them.

1. Let them go. Feel the negative emotion, and then make a conscious decision to release them
instead of repressing them or holding on to them.

2. Acknowledge them. You can acknowledge your emotions without holding on to them. If you feel
angry about something and you are not ready to release that anger, sit in it for a while before
letting it go.

3. Welcome them. This process allows you to accept your emotions so you can evaluate them
further to enable you to work out where these emotions are really coming from.

In each one of the three steps, the first stage is to become aware of the emotion as you experience it;
you can then implement the five-step process to let go of it.
 Step 1: Think about an emotion you would like to improve so that you don’t feel so bad about
your situation.

Step 2: Choose which one of these questions apply to you:

• Can I let go of this feeling?

• Can I allow this feeling to remain?

• Can I welcome this feeling?

Step 3: According to the question you chose to answer, ask yourself:

• Would I let go of this feeling?

• Would I allow this feeling to remain?

• Would I welcome this feeling?

Step 4: Ask yourself, “When?”

You should answer, “Now,” to this question. As soon as you say, “Now,” let go of that emotion.

Step 5: Repeat the above steps as many times as you need to until you have let go of that
emotion.

As you go through this process, you will gain deeper insight into the way emotions work and how you
can release them.
CHAPTER 7: FINDING HAPPINESS
What comes to mind when you think of happiness? Most people conjure up images of instant
gratification and pure hedonism. Or the feeling you get when you relax in a hot tub with a glass of wine,
the pleasurable feeling you get when you eat chocolate, or spending quality time with a loved one.
There is no doubt that you can feel happy experiencing these things; however, it is short-term
happiness. What you should be striving for is the long-term satisfaction and pleasure that comes with
true happiness.

Aristotle believed that the happy life was one of excellent rational purpose because he believed that the
highest function and purpose of mankind was to reason. On the other hand, a Buddhist Monk believes
that Nirvana, or ultimate happiness, comes from conquering all cravings and becoming more
compassionate. While the question of happiness appears to be a complex one with limitless
interpretation and speculation, could it be that the answer is simpler than we think? While the majority
of us would agree that knowing what you want out of life and finding your true purpose are essential
contributing factors to happiness, an equally valid argument is that happiness is dependent upon being
in a state of optimum physical well-being that allows happiness and productivity to flow. This occurs
when all chemicals within the body are in complete alignment.

Most people have never thought about the role chemicals play in the body and how important it is that
they are balanced. Chemicals have a powerful effect on mood regulation. If you have ever drunk too
much coffee, you would have experienced a huge dopamine rush and possibly walked around all day
with a smile on your face. Or if you have ever participated in a high-risk sport such as bungee jumping,
you would have experienced the power of the adrenaline rush. Hormones play many important roles
within the body, and one of them is to regulate mood. If you know how to tap into those hormones, you
can control your mental well-being.

THE IMPORTANCE OF HORMONES

Hormones are chemicals produced by the body to activate specific cells. You will often hear them
referred to as “messenger chemicals” because they communicate with the cells and compel them to
take action. There are approximately 50 different hormones in the body that do the following: regulate
procreation or sexual activity, regulate movement and muscle contraction, create growth, maintain
homeostasis and regulate the metabolism. The bottom line is that if you didn’t have hormones, your
body wouldn’t be able to function properly. However, hormones do more than keep your body in
working order. They are responsible for the complexities of your cognitive functioning and mood. To
understand how this happens, we are now going to take a deeper look at how hormones work.

HOW HORMONES WORK

Hormones are capable of sending signals to cells all over the body by binding to receptor proteins in
target cells. This process stimulates the cells to take action. But how do the hormones know what signals
to send the cells? The body has a three-part feedback loop between the endocrine system, the pituitary
gland, and the brain. The pituitary gland is as small as a pea. It produces many different hormones and is
positioned at the base of the brain. It is also referred to as the “master gland” because it is responsible
for sending information to the entire endocrine system. The pituitary gland releases chemicals into the
blood that tell the other endocrine glands to make more or fewer hormones. The hormones then
communicate with the rest of the cells and tell them how to act by binding to the target cells’ receptors.

Okay, so what does this really mean, and what does it have to do with mood regulation? Basically, the
entire process is started by what takes place in your mind, which means that what you think about is the
major contributing factor in the way your hormones function. Not only do your thoughts become your
reality, they also control your mood. Therefore, you have the power to transform your emotional state!

By being consistent with adding a few simple behaviors to your routine, you can drastically improve your
happiness and sense of well-being. Let’s take a look at some of the chemicals that contribute to your
feelings of happiness.

SEROTONIN

Serotonin has several functions. It is a neurotransmitter that assists in regulating stress levels, sleep
patterns, and mood and disposition. It is found in the digestive tract, lining of the stomach, mucous
membranes, and the brain. Like all hormones, serotonin transmits messages between nerve cells,
regulating memory, appetite, mood, and intestinal contractions. Its presence in the body is vital, as
many of the essential mental functions are dependent on the right amount of serotonin.

You will also hear serotonin referred to as the “feel good” hormone because it keeps us feeling mentally
positive and happy. It is well known that many recreational drugs such as ecstasy have such a potent
effect on mood because they work by stimulating the production of serotonin. It enables us to comfort
ourselves so that we can handle our problems effectively. Unfortunately, stress leads to reduction of
serotonin, which causes an imbalance and leaves people feeling depressed and overwhelmed.

SEROTONIN DEFICIENCY – THE CAUSE

There are several different factors that affect levels of serotonin in the body, including a lack of exercise,
a lack of sleep, and increased stress levels. A poor diet and a limited amount of exposure to sunlight can
also contribute. Lifestyle habits such as taking prescription medication and the consumption of caffeine
and alcohol can have a negative effect on serotonin levels as well. If serotonin levels drop too low, the
individual will experience symptoms such as impaired cognitive function and impulse control, insomnia,
fatigue, anxiety, and depression. Low serotonin levels are also connected to general pain, migraines,
addiction, anxiety mood disorders, diabetes, and weight gain. People are also known to experience low
self-esteem and a lack of interest in regular activities.

Disrupted sleep patterns is a very common symptom of serotonin deficiency. Even if sufferers do get
enough rest, they are still likely to experience fatigue and the inability to concentrate. If sleep
interruptions and insomnia are left untreated, it can have a detrimental effect on health. Depression is
one of the most noticeable symptoms of a serotonin deficiency, where a person might feel slightly down
or go through extended periods of severe depression. Heightened anxiety is another common symptom
of serotonin deficiency. With the less extreme cases, it is possible to eliminate the problem through
consistent lifestyle changes such as implementing an exercise routine and improving diet. However, a
person may require prescription medication in more severe cases.

It is also important to mention that on the flip side of low serotonin, it is possible to have serotonin
levels that are too high. This is caused by overdosing on prescription medication and is referred to as
“Serotonin Syndrome.” Symptoms include shivering, diarrhea, dilated pupils, tremors, agitation,
sweating, high body temperature, and even seizures.

IMPROVING SEROTONIN LEVELS – THE BENEFITS

There are many benefits associated with increasing serotonin levels besides eliminating the symptoms
caused by low serotonin levels:

Protection against diabetes: Research has indicated that there is a link between insulin and serotonin.
Insulin plays an important role in the regulation of blood sugar levels. When this process is interrupted
by low levels of serotonin, it leads to diabetes.
Pain relief: Increased levels of serotonin lower the pain threshold. This is one of the reasons migraine
pain is linked to low serotonin levels. You will experience immediate pain relief with an increase in
serotonin.

Appetite regulation: When dopamine is released, appetite is stimulated, serotonin is produced as you
eat to let the body know that it has had enough food by stopping the release of dopamine. When
serotonin levels are low, this process is disrupted, which leads to overeating and weight gain. However,
healthy levels of serotonin help to reduce carbohydrate cravings and assist in moderating and
controlling eating disorders.

SEROTONIN LEVELS – HOW TO INCREASE THEM

For those looking for a natural alternative to prescription medication to increase serotonin levels, there
are several helpful strategies you can implement:

Light therapy: Research indicates that there is a close relationship between serotonin levels and light
exposure. One study found that several weeks of sunlight helped to alleviate seasonal affective disorder
and depression because it produces a similar effect to antidepressants. You can expose yourself to more
light by making a habit of getting at least 20 minutes of sunshine per day. You can do this by going for a
walk or sitting out in the garden or on a park bench. If you live in a country where you don’t get much
sunlight, you can use a 10,000-lux-light box for 20 minutes. All that is required is that you sit near the
box and allow it to enter your eyes indirectly. This therapy is most effective when it is done first thing in
the morning.

Aerobic exercise: Participating in regular aerobic exercise such as biking or running 3-4 times per week
increases serotonin production. Exercise that gets the heart rate up also has a calming effect on the
mind, this eliminates anxiety and worry which helps to balance serotonin levels. If you don’t have an
exercise routine in place, it is advised that you start off slowly with a 10-15-minute workout each week
and build up from there.

Improved diet: There are several foods that stimulate serotonin production. These include protein-rich
foods such as cheese, nuts, eggs, and fish, and complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, millet,
buckwheat, corn, oats, and rice. Other serotonin-boosting foods include fresh vegetables such as root
crops, ginger, celery, and carrots as well as fresh fruits. All of these are high in vitamin B, which is
essential for balancing serotonin levels.

St. John’s Wort: This is an herbal supplement with antidepressant capabilities. It contains a number of
bioactive compounds such as hypericin and hyperforin, which enhance the production of serotonin. This
supplement is often prescribed as an antidepressant and can be taken as a capsule or drank as a tea.

Turmeric: Turmeric works by regulating neurotransmitter activity in the brain. You can use it as a spice
and add it to your food, or you can add it to milk by combining the following ingredients:

• 2 cups of almond milk

 • 1 tablespoon of raw honey

• 1 tablespoon of coconut oil

• 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

• 1 teaspoon of ground turmeric

• A pinch of black pepper

• A pinch of fresh grated ginger

Combine all the ingredients in a small saucepan and whisk together thoroughly. Bring mixture to a light
boil on high, then turn the heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Strain out any chunks and drink.

Ginseng: Ginseng helps improve the immune system and energy levels. It also helps regulate hormones.
You can drink it as a tea or take it in a capsule.

DOPAMINE

Dopamine has several different functions in the body; however, its main job is to support activities in
the brain such as concentration, mental focus, and memory. When dopamine is released, it is
transported to dopamine receptors. A union takes place between the dopamine receptors and the
dopamine molecules, both of which fit like a lock and key. This activates the neurons, and dopamine is
then able to communicate with the nervous system. When people experience problems with dopamine
regulation, it’s because their receptors have been destroyed because of health issues. When dopamine
levels are balanced and stable, you are aware and alert. On the other hand, when dopamine levels are
too high, you may become aggressive, engage in risk-taking behavior, or experience a distorted sense of
reality.

Dopamine Deficiency Symptoms

There are several factors that indicate whether your dopamine levels have dropped below normal:

• You lack motivation or drive to get things done

• You lack stamina and energy and find it difficult to complete tasks

• You find it difficult to focus

• You find it difficult to concentrate

• You find it difficult to remember things

• You feel depressed

• You find it difficult to organize your thoughts

 • You find it difficult to be creative

• You are fearful of change

Causes of Dopamine Deficiency

There are several factors that contribute to dopamine deficiency; these include the following:

• The consumption of caffeinated beverages and foods

• The regular consumption of alcohol

• Always eating junk food and low-quality meat products

• The consumption of refined foods such as white bread, white flour, and white sugar

• High stress levels

• Failure to get enough sleep

• Inconsistent or poor dietary habits

• The use of recreational drugs such as cocaine and marijuana

IMPROVING DOPAMINE LEVELS – THE BENEFITS

In order to live a healthy and enjoyable life, it is essential that dopamine levels are balanced in the body.
It will ensure that you have the proper reaction to negative situations, that stress is limited, and that you
get enough sleep. Other benefits include the following:

• Reduced cravings for food and unnecessary stimulation

• Less likely to become addicted to things

• Enhanced motivation

• Limited amounts of stress

• Improved sleep

• A reduction in negative thinking patterns

• Overcoming depression

• Reduced anxiety

• High levels of focus, clarity, and general awareness

 • A healthy sex life

• The ability to achieve more and find personal satisfaction in life

DOPAMINE LEVELS – HOW TO INCREASE THEM

There are a number of basic steps you can implement to enhance dopamine levels. Here are some of
them:

Listen to music: Depending on the music you are listening to, it has the power to improve mood, reduce
symptoms of depression, and promote healing. Many clinical and neuroscientific studies have begun to
highlight the therapeutic effects of music. For instance, several mental health facilities report that music
is particularly helpful for low-functioning patients. Anecdotal evidence states that music decreases
psychotic symptoms, increases positive activity, increases socialization, and gives people a stronger
sense of self. One study found that stroke patients who listened to music for two months experienced
enhanced recovery, improved focused attention, improved verbal memory, and prevented confusion
and depression. Music also assists in increasing the capacity to form neural connections within the parts
of the brain that have been damaged. This improves the rate at which a person recovers.

Studies also prove that dopamine is increased by introducing melodic and relaxing music into your daily
routine for 20 minutes. Some of the best music to listen to includes soft rock, classical music, and folk
music.

Meditation: Scientific research proves that meditation can have a profound impact on regulating
dopamine levels, mental health, and mood. Participating in meditation has the ability to awaken your
brain’s highest potential. Just the act of sitting down and deciding that you are going to meditate has
great health benefits. It lights up the part of the brain behind the forehead called the frontal cortex,
which activates the limbic system—the part of the brain responsible for controlling emotions and basic
drives. Therefore, the act of intention gets you emotionally involved, which stimulates positive feelings.

One of the main components of meditation is breath control. By taking deep breaths, you soothe the
sympathetic nervous system, which improves your sense of well-being and self-awareness. This grounds
you and steadies your mind. Through daily meditation, you boost your self-esteem, resilience, ability to
concentrate, and your levels of compassion towards others.

Here are a few steps to get you started with meditation:

• Sit in a position that feels comfortable to you

• Focus your awareness on the present moment

• Take several deep breaths, but make sure that you exhale longer than you inhale

• Invite the feeling of well-being

 • Stay focused on your breathing

• Continue this for ten minutes

Change of Diet: Diet plays an essential role in dopamine regulation. It is advised that you cut out foods
such as low-quality meats, fast food, and processed foods because they have a negative effect on
dopamine production. However, there are several foods that boost dopamine production. These foods
contain tyrosine and help to rectify the imbalance:

• Avocados

• Bananas

• Grass-fed and high-quality dairy products

• Sesame seeds

• Almonds

A balanced diet containing vegetables, fruits, and whole grain foods will help restore dopamine to their
proper levels.

THE LOVE HORMONE – OXYTOCIN

You will often hear oxytocin referred to as the love hormone because of its association with
relationship-building, sexual activity, empathy, trust, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Oxytocin levels
increase during orgasm and while hugging a person. It is produced in a part of the brain called the
hypothalamus and, in general, females have higher levels than males. Oxytocin has many functions, but
one of them is the powerful impact it has on bonding behavior and socializing.

OXYTOCIN AND MENTAL HEALTH

Oxytocin is responsible for reducing anxiety and interrupting the release of cortisol during stressful
social situations. For example, it helps build trust when engaging in a business transaction. When
oxytocin levels are healthy, individuals are better able to connect with their emotions. Due to the role it
plays in emotions, experts believe that oxytocin deficiency has a strong relationship with psychiatric
disorders such as anxiety, schizophrenia, autism, and depression.

OXYTOCIN DEFICIENCIES – THE CAUSES

There are several reasons a person might experience an oxytocin deficiency, including the following:

High stress levels: Stress causes the release of cortisol, and when cortisol levels are elevated,
oxytocin levels decrease.
 Holding a grudge: Any negative feelings boost the cortisol production; therefore, it is important to
release any ill feelings you might have towards anyone, and that includes yourself. Forgiveness can
help increase oxytocin levels.

Age: As people grow older, everything in the body slows down, and that includes oxytocin
production. This is one of the reasons it is common for the elderly to isolate themselves. Low
oxytocin levels cause you to become unsociable.

OXYTOCIN DEFICIENCY – THE SYMPTOMS

The following symptoms are an indication that you are suffering from low levels of oxytocin:

No desire to socialize: As mentioned, oxytocin is also referred to as the “love hormone,” and plays
an important role in your social life. Therefore, conditions such as social anxiety may be a sign of an
oxytocin deficiency.

Poor communication: Oxytocin plays a role in the interaction that takes place between couples and
in close relationships. Research has indicated that the inability to communicate effectively in these
interactions is related to low oxytocin levels.

Low libido: Studies have found that a low sex drive in women and the inability to orgasm is
associated with low oxytocin levels.

Craving for sugary foods: When the body is not producing enough oxytocin, it creates a sugar
craving cycle.

Inability to trust: Oxytocin is also referred to as the trust hormone because it increases trust
between couples and friends. The inability to trust people is linked to low levels of oxytocin.

INCREASING OXYTOCIN LEVELS – THE BENEFITS

There are several benefits associated with having the correct levels of oxytocin. These include the
following:

Sexual benefits: Oxytocin facilitates erectile function in men and sexual arousal in females. During
orgasm, the hormone is released in large amounts; therefore, an increase in oxytocin levels can
improve sexual function in both males and females.

Improved bonding in couples: Oxytocin helps to increase romantic attachment and attraction in
males; it also helps people stay faithful in relationships. Studies have indicated that males with
higher levels of oxytocin are more faithful in relationships and stay with their partners for longer.

Decreased inflammation: Cytokines contribute to inflammation in the body. High levels of oxytocin
cause a decrease in cytokines, which results in less inflammation.
 Mood improvement: Oxytocin stimulates feelings of security, calmness, and contentment and
reduces feelings of anxiety.

Improved social behavior: Individuals with high levels of oxytocin do better in social situations
because they are better able to open up to people. They find it easier to talk about emotional
situations in their lives, which builds trust.

HOW TO INCREASE OXYTOCIN LEVELS

There are a number of strategies you can incorporate into your daily routine to boost oxytocin
production:

Crying: When you don’t acknowledge your feelings, you are not dealing with them, which invites
additional stress into your life. Suppressing your emotions has a negative effect on oxytocin
production. Crying has a soothing effect on the body, and when the body is calm, the mind is also
calm, which increases oxytocin levels. Therefore, when you feel like crying, don’t hold it back, just
cry.

Laughing and smiling: Laughing and smiling causes a release of oxytocin. It’s important to laugh and
smile even if you don’t feel like it. The good news is that the brain is unable to determine whether
you are really laughing or smiling, which means you can fake it until you make it. Spend five minutes
in the morning smiling to yourself in the mirror. You can also induce laughter by watching a comedy
or listening to one of your favorite comedians. Do this daily to increase oxytocin levels.

Give someone a gift: The brain releases oxytocin when you receive a gift; the same is true when you
give a gift. Giving doesn’t need to be in the form of a present. You can give your time by
volunteering, you can help someone in need, or you can even give thanks by expressing gratitude
for the things you are grateful for in your life.

Physical touch: Physical touch such as cuddling, kissing, and hugging quickly increases oxytocin
levels in the body.

Listening: We all want to be acknowledged and to know that we are heard and accepted. A deep
connection takes place between people when they are present with each other and genuinely
listening to what the other person has to say. During this time, more and more oxytocin is released,
and a stronger bond is formed.

Change your diet: There are many vitamins and minerals in foods that boost oxytocin production, so
by adding these to your daily diet, you can increase your oxytocin levels.

Magnesium: Magnesium is a very important mineral as it helps to regulate over 300 biochemical
reactions in the body. Oxytocin receptors, neurotransmitter activity, and the nervous system rely on
magnesium to function properly. Many people are magnesium deficient, which could contribute to
an oxytocin deficiency. Foods rich in magnesium include:
 • Dark chocolate
• Avocado
• Bananas
• Spinach
• Chard
• Almonds
• Pumpkin seeds

You can also increase your magnesium intake by taking an Epsom salt bath or by taking
magnesium supplements. Magnesium also helps to reduce anxiety, withdrawal, addiction, and
to overcome trauma.

Vitamin C: Vitamin C boosts the production of oxytocin and is found in fruits and vegetables such
as:

• Citrus fruits
• Tomatoes
• Cabbage
• Broccoli

You can also take vitamin C as a supplement.

Vitamin D: Studies have found that vitamin D activates and controls oxytocin production. It is a
naturally occurring vitamin and is produced by the skin when it is exposed to the sun. You can get
additional vitamin D by going for walks outdoors or by sitting next to a lamp that mimics sunlight.
You can also take vitamin D supplements.

Coffee: Research suggests that caffeine boosts oxytocin production, which might explain why people
enjoy getting together with friends and family for a cup of coffee. However, although it is okay to
have a cup of coffee every so often, overconsumption can be damaging to your health over the long-
term. Some people also report heightened feelings of anxiety and jitteriness after consuming coffee.
If you experience this, it is advised that you eliminate coffee from your diet altogether.

ENDORPHINS

Endorphins are produced by the pituitary glands and the hypothalamus, and they fall under the, “Feel
good hormone” umbrella because they stimulate pleasure in the brain. They also help to reduce pain
and stress. Endorphins are released when you experience pain and during pleasurable activities such as
eating, having sex, and exercising.

Frequent exercise uplifts the mood because of the release of endorphins. They work in a similar way to
morphine where “high” or “feel-good” feelings are released, which activates a feeling of euphoria in the
body. Athletes are known to experience what has been termed as “runners high” after working out. It
makes them feel energized and confident.
ENDORPHIN DEFICIENCY – WHAT IS THE CAUSE?

When we eat our favorite foods or do some exercise, we feel good, and sometimes experience an
extreme high. This is because large amounts of endorphins are released into the body when taking
part in these activities. There has not been enough scientific research to determine why people
experience low levels of endorphins. However, it is believed that because the release of endorphins
is dependent upon certain activities that trigger it, it could be that an endorphin deficiency is caused
by the hormone not being triggered enough.

SYMPTOMS OF AN ENDORPHIN DEFICIENCY

Depression: One of the causes of depression is a lack of endorphins. Since one of the main purposes
of endorphins is to make a person feel good, without it or with a limited amount of it, it will be
difficult to feel happy.

Anxiety: Anxiety causes a general sense of fear about future events. In other words, you become
incapable of anticipating good things in your life.

Bad Mood: Moodiness is linked to low levels of endorphins; again, because a lack of the hormone
reduces your ability to feel good.

You may also be suffering from an endorphin deficiency if you are experiencing the following:

• Aches and pains

• A lack of sleep

• Impulsive behavior

• A craving for alcohol

THE BENEFITS OF INCREASING ENDORPHIN LEVELS

As you have read, endorphins act as a natural painkiller and they stimulate pleasure; however, there are
also other health benefits associated with the hormone:

Relieving stress, anxiety, and depression: Because of the feelings of euphoria that it produces,
stimulating the release of endorphins is a known cure for depression. The hormone also helps
regulate stress and anxiety.

Improved social interaction and self-esteem: Since endorphins cause you to feel good, it is only
natural that your self-esteem will improve. Also, when your endorphin levels are high, socializing
with people becomes a lot easier. This is one of the main reasons people take recreational drugs
such as cocaine and ecstasy—they boost self-esteem and make you a lot more sociable.
 Reduces the pain of childbirth: Giving birth is a painful experience and many women need to take
strong painkillers to deal with the pain. However, since opium causes a reaction similar to
painkillers, it can help to reduce the pain of childbirth. Also, since endorphins act as a natural
painkiller in general, they can help with any type of pain.

Improves physical appearance: This is a by-product of exercising more often and eating a healthy
diet. If you are consistent, you are inevitably going to end up looking better and, therefore, feeling
better.

Weight loss: One of the roles that endorphins play in the body is appetite regulation. Also,
depressed people tend to eat more to comfort themselves; so when your endorphin levels are
normal, not only are you no longer depressed, which eliminates the need to ‘comfort eat,’ but your
appetite is also properly regulated, which further reduces your desire to overeat.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR ENDORPHIN LEVELS

There are plenty of ways to increase your endorphin levels. Here are some of them:

Have sex: I am in no way telling you to go out having random sexual encounters, but if you are in a
committed relationship with someone you trust, having more sex will stimulate the production of
endorphins. It will also boost oxytocin production, meaning you get a double dose of happy
hormones.

Eat chocolate: Eating chocolate is one of the few “unhealthy” treats that is actually good for you,
and everyone loves chocolate, so it’s not going to take much willpower! The reason chocolate helps
increase endorphin levels is that chocolate is made from cocoa, which contains a substance called
phenylethylamine, which helps improve your mood. Cocoa also contains theobromine, which is also
a mood-enhancing substance. But remember, do everything in moderation. This good news does
not give you the excuse to eat an entire box of chocolates!

Exercise: Any exercise that gets the heart racing will boost endorphin production. So, you can go for
a brisk walk, a jog, go cycling, or take part in an aerobics class to boost endorphin production.

Eat spicy foods: Capsaicin is an ingredient found in spicy foods. It sends a message to the brain that
the body is in pain because of the heat, which then releases endorphins as a pain reliever. If you are
not a fan of hot foods, you can also eat the following:

• Nuts and seeds

• Grapes

• Oranges

• Strawberries
 • Eggs

• Brown rice

CORTISOL – THE STRESS HORMONE

The body needs cortisol so that it can respond to stress effectively. You will also hear it referred to as
the “stress hormone.” It has several other functions, including influencing blood pressure, fetus
development, the way memories are formed, regulating salt levels, and it acts as an anti-inflammatory.
For cortisol to be effective, it must be present in the body at the right levels. Unlike the hormones we
have discussed previously, high levels of cortisol can have negative health implications. Cortisol is
produced by the adrenal glands, which are the triangle-shaped organs above the kidneys. As mentioned,
although it is required for several other functions in the body, it is most famous for activating the ‘fight
or flight’ response when we are in a crisis. Basically, it either stimulates the body to run or provides it
with the strength to stay and fight. However, when we are no longer in danger, cortisol levels should go
back to normal. So, if you are under continuous stress and high levels of cortisol are continuously
flowing through the body, it can cause:

• Heart disease

• Anxiety and depression

• Weight gain

• Trouble sleeping

• Concentration and memory problems

• Problems with digestion

• Headaches

• Cushing syndrome

• Diabetes

SYMPTOMS OF HIGH CORTISOL LEVELS

There are a number of symptoms that indicate whether a person is suffering from high cortisone levels:

• Injuries that are slow to heal

• Acne

• Purple stretch marks

 • Headache

• Thinning skin

• Weight gain around the upper back, face, and midsection

• Muscle weakness

• Easy bruising

• High blood pressure

• Severe fatigue

• Irritability

• Flushed face

• Difficulty concentrating

HOW TO REGULATE AND DECREASE CORTISOL LEVELS

Natural therapeutic processes can assist in the reduction of cortisol levels in the body.

Reduce stress levels: Stress is one of the main causes of elevated cortisol levels. Take an inventory of
your life to determine the things that are causing you stress. Some things are not that easy to eliminate,
but if there are certain people or situations in your life that are causing you stress, cut them off. You can
also reduce stress levels by taking time out to relax by meditating, reading a book, or soaking in a warm
bathtub.

Get enough sleep: When the body does not get enough rest, cortisol levels are increased. You should be
getting between 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. To improve your sleep habits, avoid drinking coffee in the
evening and keep a consistent sleep schedule. You should be going to bed at the same time every night.

Eliminate negative thinking: Negative thoughts induce feelings of anxiety and depression, which
increase cortisol levels. Negative thinking also has a negative effect on the immune system and overall
health in general. Most people don’t pay attention to their thoughts; however, when you do catch
yourself, replace the thought with a positive one. Positive thoughts release feel-good hormones such as
endorphins, which help to lower cortisol levels.

Diet: A bad diet of fatty foods and sugar contributes to excessive cortisol levels. Incorporating the
following foods into your diet will help to reduce cortisol levels:

• Probiotics

• Green tea
 • Black tea

• Pears

• Bananas

• Dark chocolate

Exercise: Again, rigorous exercise stimulates the production of feel-good hormones such as serotonin,
which helps to lower levels of cortisol.

Stable relationships: The National Institutes of Health reported that when a couple argues, their cortisol
levels rise. The same publication also reported that children who live in households where there is less
conflict have lower levels of cortisol.

Take supplements: Supplements such as ashwagandha and fish oil help to reduce cortisol levels.

NOREPINEPHRINE

Norepinephrine acts as both a neurotransmitter and a stress hormone. When the brain receives the
message that something stressful is taking place, it is released into the blood as a stress hormone. The
body then responds to the stress by doing the following:

• Increasing heart rate

• Increasing blood flow to the muscles

• Releasing glucose (sugar) into the blood

Norepinephrine acts as a neurotransmitter by increasing arousal, alertness, and accelerates reaction

time.

NOREPINEPHRINE DEFICIENCY – THE SYMPTOMS

Norepinephrine deficiency is caused by dopamine beta-hydroxylase deficiency, and it causes the

following symptoms:

• Low blood sugar at birth

• The constant need to urinate at night

• Standing up causes sudden drops in blood pressure

• Retrograde ejaculation

• Drooping eyelids
 • Insulin resistance

• High insulin levels

• Seizures

REGULATING NOREPINEPHRINE LEVELS – THE BENEFITS

The regulation of norepinephrine levels has several health benefits including the following:

Improves bipolar disorder: Patients suffering from bipolar disorder have lower levels of
norepinephrine. One of the treatments for the condition is bupropion, which increases both
dopamine and norepinephrine levels.

Promotes fat loss: Studies have found that there is a link between norepinephrine and fat loss.
However, regarding the role that norepinephrine plays in weight loss, there is a lot of contradictory
evidence. Therefore, more studies need to be conducted to come to a definitive conclusion.

Prevents migraines: People who suffer from migraines may have an imbalance of norepinephrine in
comparison to other neurotransmitters. When a migraine starts, the individual typically has low
norepinephrine and high triphosphate, adenosine, prostaglandins, and dopamine.

Helps ADHD: One of the purposes of norepinephrine is that it helps us focus and it increases
alertness. People who suffer from ADHD have a limited ability to focus and pay attention the
majority of the time. But they also have periods of intense hyper-focus. ADHD sufferers are often
treated with drugs that increase norepinephrine.

Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease: People who suffer from these disorders have low
norepinephrine levels as low levels of the hormone are known to cause cognitive decline.

How to Regulate and Increase Norepinephrine Levels

As mentioned, norepinephrine is both a neurotransmitter and a hormone. There are many things, both
internal and external, that can affect its levels and production in the body.

Cold Exposure: Cold exposure stimulates the sympathetic nervous system to release higher amounts of
norepinephrine. There are several ways to use cold exposure; perhaps the easiest method is to have a
cold shower. The majority of people are not used to taking cold showers, and it will be a massive shock
to the system. Therefore, you might want to start slowly by taking one cold shower a week, and then
build up to taking one cold shower per day. It is also advised that you only do this during the warmer
months because taking a cold shower during the winter could have a negative impact on your nervous
system.

Another method of cold exposure is through cryotherapy, this involves booking sessions with an expert
where the body is exposed to cold temperatures. Many athletes often use this method; however, it is
not cheap and if you are on a budget, this might not be a good idea for you. One of their methods is to
get their clients to sit in a bath of ice, so this is something you can do if you have access to a lot of ice.

Regular exercise: In a 1999 study conducted at Duke University, it was discovered that regular exercise
helped to alleviate symptoms of major depressive disorder and it boosted the production of
norepinephrine. While it is well known that exercise helps to reduce depression and anxiety because it
stimulates the release of endorphins, some experts believe that norepinephrine is more relevant
because it is a stress hormone and it helps the brain to handle physical stress more efficiently.

Diet: There are many essential vitamins and nutrients that assist in boosting the production of
norepinephrine. You can find them in the following foods:

High Protein Foods

• Eggs

• Chicken breast

• Peanuts

• Brussels sprouts

• Shrimp

• Fish (all types)

• Turkey breast

• Pumpkin seeds

• Ezekiel bread

• Lentils

• Quinoa

• Lean beef

• Broccoli

• Milk

• Greek yogurt

• Cottage cheese

• Oats
 • Almonds

Amino Acid Tyrosine

• Soy foods

• Lean beef

• Lamb

• Lean pork

• Seafood

• Turkey

• Chicken

• Pumpkin seeds

• Eggs

• Natural yogurt

• Skimmed milk

• Buttermilk

• Lentils

• Beans

Vitamin B

• Dark leafy greens

• Whole grains

• Avocados

• Bananas

• Broccoli

• Lentils

• Beans

• Sunflower seeds
Folic Acid

• Asparagus

• Beans

• Oranges

• Brussels sprouts

• Beef liver
CHAPTER 8: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE WORKPLACE
Thanks to Harvard professor Daniel Goleman, the world has started to pay a lot more attention to
emotional intelligence. The business world, in particular, has thoroughly taken the concept on board and
integrated it into their corporate structures and cultures. Hiring managers and C-suite executives
worldwide are keen to capitalize on the benefits of emotional intelligence. The 1990s witnessed plenty
of research dedicated to supporting claims that EQ makes people more effective as employees. Baby
boomers had little interest in emotional intelligence; they came to work, did what they were asked, and
collected a paycheck at the end of the month. The workplace today has significantly changed; millennials
want more from their jobs than a paycheck.

Recruitment company Robert Walters conducted a survey of millennials in the United Kingdom to gain
insight into various aspects of their professions and jobs. They concluded that millennials are not
content with just a job, they want to be a part of something that’s connected to a bigger purpose. They
want to feel that they are growing and being fulfilled in their position. They want to feel that they are a
part of a larger community. Millennials also want the freedom to work on their own schedules; they
don’t like the 9-5 being scrutinized under a microscope type of environment. They enjoy being social in
the workplace, and they want to have a life outside of work. This orientation is referred to as work/life
balance. They also expect to be rewarded for the things that they accomplish through recognition, pay
increases, and promotions.
In comparison to older generations, millennials have set a very high standard. Considering these new
dynamics, hiring decisions can no longer be determined by IQ alone; there must be another component.
Intelligence is still important, but emotional intelligence is crucial. In fact, in a survey conducted by
Harris Interact for Career Builder, it was discovered that 71 percent of hiring managers would rather hire
someone with a high level of emotional intelligence than someone who was only book smart. These
studies are highlighting the fact that it takes more than intelligence to survive in the workplace today.

WHY IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IMPORTANT IN THE WORKPLACE?

Emotional intelligence is not a new fad transiting the workplace; it is here to stay. There are many
benefits associated with hiring emotionally intelligent workers. Here are some of them:

They know how to handle pressure: This is especially important in high paying positions; such jobs pay a
lot because of the stress involved. They need to give their employees an incentive to stay despite the
pressure they are placed under every day. The modern workplace is extremely cutthroat, and it is
getting worse. Hiring managers know that emotionally intelligent employees are capable of thriving in
such environments. They are capable of better handling their emotions when the heat is turned up.
Those who have a low EQ will crack under the pressure.

Better decision makers: Making major decisions is the norm in the business world. Employees make
decisions about which clients to pitch, how to effectively manage their workload, how to put together
reports, how to resolve client issues, and much more. Your level of emotional intelligence will determine
your ability to make the right decisions. In the business world, it is essential that decisions are not
emotionally driven. For example, if you are the team leader working on an important project for a client,
there may be one team member in particular who is exceptionally good at bookkeeping, which is a skill
highly valuable to the success of the project. Unfortunately, this employee has made it quite clear that
they don’t like you, even going as far as to disrespect you in public. How do you handle this situation?

A team leader lacking in emotional intelligence would act on their emotions and do something to
sabotage the success of the project. Because they are unable to control their emotions, they would
request that that person be assigned to another team. This would then put the project at risk because
no one else in the team is skilled at bookkeeping. However, the emotionally intelligent team leader will
put their emotions to one side and find a way of working with the employee because they know that
they need their expertise to make the project work. Instead of engaging in a tug of war with this
individual, they refuse to play their game and kill them with kindness instead. The emotionally
intelligent team leader is fully invested in refusing to stoop to the low level of the other employee. This
is because people with a high EQ are self-regulating, self-aware, self-motivated, and have the necessary
social skills to deal with an employee who chooses to act like a petulant child.

Handle conflicts better: The workplace is an environment where multiple personalities abound, and in
an atmosphere of this nature, disagreements are going to be the norm. There are going to be times
when employees don’t get along. When conflict arises, it is essential that they know how to deal with it
effectively or the workplace will become one that is riddled with drama, which will ultimately lead to
reduced productivity.

More motivated: Let’s just say you are a business owner who has invested his/her life savings into
establishing a company. You have hired some employees and worked hard to build your brand. In the
beginning, everything was great; you couldn’t have asked for better staff. But after a few years, things
started changing. You noticed that they are always late for work, they are missing client deadlines, and
sometimes, they don’t even show up for work. Your company starts to get a bad reputation because the
quality of your projects is not what it used to be. How are you to blame for this?

You hired people to work for you who had low to zero emotional intelligence!

As you have read, intrinsic motivation is a component and measure of emotional intelligence. When an
organization hires emotionally intelligent staff, they don’t need to motivate them, they don’t need to be
pushed because they push themselves.

Respond better to criticism: Employees with no emotional intelligence can’t handle negative feedback.
If they don’t hear how great they are, they get into a bad mood and upset the environment. As an
employer, you simply don’t have the time or the energy to deal with employees who are unable to
handle constructive criticism and take it as a personal attack on their ability to do their job. Emotionally
intelligent employees understand that there are going to be times when they need constructive
criticism. They will take what is said and use it to better themselves. People with a high EQ are
extremely grounded, they know who they are, and their identity is not based on getting validation from
other people.

Organizations also benefit from employing emotionally intelligent managers. They are more capable of
articulating the vision of the company, managing teams, and resolving conflict. A manager with a low EQ
has the potential to destroy a company because they don’t know how to deal with people.

HOW TO TEST A CANDIDATE’S EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

If hiring managers are going to hire emotionally intelligent employees, they need to know how to
determine the level of a person’s EQ. You don’t need to give them a test. It’s simply a case of asking the
right questions and evaluating the answers they give. Asking questions related to the leadership
positions a person has held, how they interacted with other employees in their previous workplace will
give the hiring manager insight into their level of emotional intelligence.

If you are an employee who has been to an interview recently and you were asked whether you have
had any recent challenges and how you handled it, the HR department is not asking you this question
for entertainment purposes during the interview, they want to gain some insight into how you cope
when faced with challenges. Do you face them with courage and creativity, or do you run for cover? The
answer you give to these questions will often determine whether you are hired or rejected. Another
common question that hiring managers enjoy asking is: “What is your biggest weakness?” In many
cases, the candidate will lie and say something like, “My biggest weakness is aiming for perfection in all
tasks.” This is such a popular answer that many hiring managers and recruitment teams expect it and
probably roll their eyes when they hear it. A hiring manager is not interested in your weaknesses, what
they want to know is whether or not you are self-aware. The answer “aiming for perfection” is typically
a lie and given in an attempt to hide true weaknesses. Potential employees assume that if they say
something like, “I can be a bit of a chatterbox,” or “My grammar is not the best,” that they won’t get the
job. Whereas the reality is that a person who is honest (to a certain extent) about their weaknesses is
more likely to get the job ahead of the individual who gives a cookie-cutter answer.
CHAPTER 9: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE HOME
If you want to set yourself up for failure in a relationship, date a person who is not emotionally
intelligent because they make terrible partners. Granted, EQ is not the only prerequisite in having a
healthy relationship; however, it is very important. A person with a low EQ will never be able to meet
your emotional needs, and you will quickly find yourself becoming increasingly frustrated because it
prevents you from enjoying the benefits and the comforts of a relationship. A person with a low EQ can
also have a negative effect on your self-esteem. Most people don’t know how to determine whether a
person is emotionally intelligent or not. You may have friends who are constantly complaining about
their relationships and will say things like: “He always screams at me when we have a disagreement,” or
“He never understands how I feel.” While you don’t think this is acceptable behavior and believe that it
is wrong, you don’t understand that there is a direct correlation between such behavior and low
emotional intelligence.

If you are already in a relationship, or you are dating and thinking about getting into a relationship,
these signs will tell you whether the person has low emotional intelligence:

Emotions control the person’s behavior: An emotionally intelligent person understands how important
it is to always be in control of their emotions. They don’t allow their emotions to control their behavior.
How does your partner behave during an argument? Do they scream until they lose their voice, or do
they quietly and calmly share their opinion? It is normal to feel irritated when the person you love gets
into a confrontation with you. However, it is never okay to become disrespectful and start shouting and
calling you names. A partner who argues calmly is emotionally intelligent; if not, you are dealing with a
person with low EQ. When a person can feel him/herself getting angry and chooses to walk away
instead of yelling, you can keep dating that person. They may not have the highest EQ, but they would
rather walk away from a situation than engage in a screaming match.

The person is unable to tell how you are feeling: In most cases, people are not mind readers, and they
can’t tell what a person is thinking. However, you should be able to read the emotions of your partner.
The ability to accurately read verbal and non-verbal cues is a sign of emotional intelligence. If you are
constantly finding a need to communicate your emotions to your partner, you are dating someone with
low EQ. I am in no way saying that your partner should be able to sense your every emotion and cater to
all your needs; however, at a minimum, they should be in tune with your reality.

The person does not have a network of friends or acquaintances: Due to their ability to relate to
people, emotionally intelligent people draw others to them and will typically have a large network of
friends. If your partner is new to the area in which he lives, it’s okay for him not to have friends;
however, if he has been living in the same location for several years and he has not managed to build
any meaningful relationships, there is a high chance he is lacking in EQ.

They are incapable of empathizing or sympathizing with anyone: Empathy is essential to emotional
intelligence, and if your partner has difficulty being empathetic or sympathetic towards you or other
people, you are going to have difficulty in your relationship. The worst-case scenario is that you have
bagged yourself a psychopath if they don’t have any empathy.

Inappropriate behavior: There is always that one person (stereotypically an uncle) at an important
family event who tells the most unnecessary jokes or stories while everyone sits cringing in their seats.
How do you handle being caught in a relationship with this type of person? You will need to pull them to
the side and explain that their behavior is inappropriate, but you will also need to be mindful of the fact
that if he has low emotional intelligence, you will need to carefully tiptoe around the issue because
there is a chance that he might have an emotional outburst. Therefore, it’s best to handle this when you
are alone.

The inability to understand the atmosphere in a room is a major clue that a person is not emotionally
intelligent. A person who can stand up in front of a room full of people and continue to tell lewd jokes
that make everyone uncomfortable indicates that they don’t know how to read verbal cues and are
unable to pick up on the mood and the emotions of the people in the room. It can get highly
embarrassing being in a relationship with someone like this.

The person is always loud: Now, I am not saying it is a bad thing to be an extrovert; in fact, it’s a good
thing. Extroverts are good at filling in those awkward silences that introverts create. However, if your
partner is loud and obnoxious at the same time, you are probably dealing with an emotionally immature
person. An outgoing emotionally intelligent person understands that being an extrovert doesn’t mean
talking non-stop or talking over others without giving them room to speak. Being able to communicate
powerfully without having to raise your voice is a component of emotional intelligence. Therefore, a
person who is unable to speak without hollering is most likely to have low emotional intelligence.

HOW TO HANDLE A PARTNER WHO HAS LOW EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

So, what do you do when you have been in a relationship for a few years and your partner has low
emotional intelligence? Do you walk away from the relationship, or do you give them a chance to
improve themselves? Logically, it makes more sense to move on and find a partner who can meet your
emotional needs; however, I do understand that when your heart is invested in a person, it’s difficult to
shut off your feelings. Also, if you were going to eliminate everyone in your life who has a low EQ, you
will end up very lonely because high emotional intelligence is a rare commodity. Having said that, here
are some tips on dealing with a partner with low emotional intelligence:

Address the issue immediately: When two potential lovers meet for the first time, they spend it
trying to impress each other. They say all the right things, they make each other laugh, and go on
dates. However, when one person does something like disrespect a waiter for bringing the wrong
order, the other person turns a blind eye and chalks it up to a stressful day. The same thing happens
again at another restaurant and the behavior is still brushed under the rug. However, when you
become the target of his snapping behavior, you quickly realize that there were no bad days after
all.

The moral of the story is that you need to call out bad behavior from the beginning, especially if it
happens more than once. I am not saying that your partner should be in a good mood every day,
because we all have our moments. But when it’s a continuous pattern of behavior, something is
definitely not right. How are you going to have a successful relationship with a person who is
incapable of controlling their feelings? If something bothers you at the beginning of a relationship,
for instance, the behavior indicates that he has a low EQ, say something. Don’t allow how you feel
about it to lead to resentment. Couples who practice open communication are more likely to have a
successful relationship.

Control your tone: So, you’ve taken several EQ tests (including the one in chapter 11) and you have
figured out that you have higher emotional intelligence than your partner, now what do you do? Do
you make him feel bad because of it, do you make him feel more insecure than he probably already
is? No! Because if you do, there must have been something wrong with those tests because that’s
the behavior of a person with low emotional intelligence. It is a well-known fact that the tone in
which couples speak to each other will influence how long the relationship lasts. Most people with
low EQ simply don’t know any better; it’s not their fault. As the emotionally intelligent partner, your
role is to get them to the other side by improving their EQ. If you speak to them in a condescending
manner, you will only make your partner feel resentful towards you. Don’t make things even more
difficult by patronizing them.

Have realistic expectations: You have always suspected that your partner has low EQ, reading this
book has confirmed your suspicion by providing you with concrete evidence about what emotional
intelligence is and what it isn’t. What is the next step? Should you give this book to your partner to
read and demand that they apply all the advice to raise their EQ? No, that is not a good idea!
Although it is true that there are some aspects of emotional intelligence that you can improve on in
a few days, like being a good listener and allowing a person to finish what they are saying before
putting your point of view forward, learning how to communicate better, tuning into other people’s
emotions, and catering to their emotional needs is going to take a bit of work. Your partner might
not even want to improve their emotional intelligence. They might challenge you when you suggest
that they need to work on some things. It is not going to be easy to convert your partner, but if your
significant other is committed to the relationship and they really want to change, then you can help
them by encouraging them to take baby steps towards increasing their emotional intelligence.

It’s okay to disagree: There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. You are not always going to
see eye to eye with your partner and you are going to argue about stuff. The good news is that
conflict strengthens a relationship. It provides a platform for partners to share feelings that they
have been holding back. No matter what you are arguing about, don’t feel guilty about it; even the
most emotionally intelligent people argue with their partners. They just don’t scream and call
people names or use violence. As long as you are engaged in healthy conflict that doesn’t tear each
other down, you are doing the right thing.

The other person should want to change: It is possible to influence a person to change by modeling
the appropriate behavior. But it is impossible to force a person that has no interest in changing to
change. Such a decision should come from the heart, and when they are ready, they will do what
needs to be done to change. If your partner behaves in a way that is emotionally immature, they
have to get to a place where they can see things through your eyes before they take steps to
improve. No one is going to want to change if they don’t think there is anything wrong. The kicker is
that you will never know how long this is going to take, so you are going to have to make the
decision as to whether the relationship is worth the wait or not.

You might have to walk away: Let’s say you’ve been in a relationship for a while with someone who
has low EQ. Your significant other disrespects you in public, they have no regard for your feelings,
they shout and yell when there is a problem, but they refuse to see that there is anything wrong.
You may just need to pull the plug on that relationship. Any relationship you are in should be a
positive addition to your life, and if your partner is emotionally abusive, you are well within your
rights to walk away. In fact, walk is the wrong word—RUN as fast as your high emotionally
intelligent heels can carry you! There is someone out there for you who is mature and self-aware
and will appreciate being in a relationship with another emotionally mature person.
CHAPTER 10: EMOTIONAL DRAINING AND ENERGY VAMPIRES
Emotional intelligence involves giving yourself to people, and this is especially true with the empathy
aspect of it. In order to develop your understanding of other people’s emotions, you need to invest your
emotions in them. It also takes time and energy trying to walk in another person’s shoes. Eventually, you
are going to start feeling drained, and not so much because of what you are contributing, but because of
the people who are there just to take from you.

Have you ever been in the company of a certain individual only to leave them feeling tired and drained?
Or have you ever dated someone who actually took pleasure in depleting all of your emotional
resources? It may also be that you work with people who make you feel this way and you look forward
to the end of each day just to get away from them. There are several ways in which emotional drain will
manifest. It may come in the form of anxiety, sadness, irritation, or boredom, but whichever way it
shows up, it is not a state of mind that should be taken lightly. When you experience long periods of
emotional drain it can have a detrimental effect on your health.

THE CAUSES OF EMOTIONAL DRAIN

Emotional drain is caused by ‘energy vampires.’ You will also hear them referred to as emotional
vampires. They are people who suck the energy out of you in the same way a vampire would suck the
blood out of his victim. Emotional vampires are emotionally immature, and they want what you have.
Unfortunately, emotional immaturity is a common trait in most people, which means that you are going
to come across them a lot!

What makes an emotionally immature person an energy vampire? Emotionally mature people are aware
of their emotions and therefore know how to deal with them. On the other hand, emotionally immature
people don’t understand their emotions, and because they don’t know how to handle them, they bring
other people into their drama. Emotionally immature people are typically this way because they have
some type of unresolved childhood trauma. For example, children who are neglected will have several
issues in their adult lives including low self-esteem, difficulty defining who they are, anger issues, etc. In
these instances, they tend to have random outbursts because of the pain they have carried throughout
their lives. The trauma is often locked in the body long after it has passed, and the brain recognizes this
pain but is unable to locate exactly when it occurred. The only way to bridge this gulf between the body
and the brain is through therapy. During therapy, the person will learn about the trauma they
experienced in the past. People don’t intend to be energy vampires; it’s not something they consciously
think about; it is a consequence of what happened to them during childhood.

However, there are people who make a conscious decision to bleed you of your energy. These people
are narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths! These people lack empathy and know exactly what they
are doing; they take great pleasure in watching people suffer.

Often, you won’t want to acknowledge the fact that you are dealing with an energy vampire because
you will feel guilty about admitting that a certain person makes you feel emotionally drained. Deep
down you want to help them, but at the same time, they are a total inconvenience in your life. This is
especially true when that individual is a family member or a loved one. You will be conflicted between
how you feel and what you know. Therefore, it is essential that you are aware of the signs of emotional
drain so that you can deal with the energy vampire.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL DRAIN

Apart from feeling exhausted after spending time with someone, there are several other signs that
indicate a problem. Many of these signs are often dismissed as something else, which leads to the issue
of emotional drain never being addressed. For example, if you are finding it difficult to sleep at night,
you will assume it’s stress related due to whatever circumstances are prevailing in your life at present;
when in actual fact, one of the signs of emotional drain is insomnia.

Insomnia: Emotional drain and stress work hand in hand, and one of the symptoms of stress is a racing
mind. When you are constantly turning things over in your mind and your brain won’t shut off, it can be
difficult to relax and fall asleep. If you are experiencing insomnia and nothing significant is taking place
in your life to warrant it, you might want to consider paying attention to the people you are surrounded
by, one of them might be draining you of your energy leaving you feeling depleted at the end of the
evening.

Lack of motivation: As has been discussed, motivation is the driving force behind the go-getter attitude;
it gives us the power to achieve our life goals even if that requires putting in a significant amount of
work. Motivation requires you to have mental stability. When you are exhausted, you are unable to
motivate yourself. You have no interest in the things you used to love, and you have to convince yourself
to get out of bed in the mornings. Energy vampires not only drain your emotions, they steal your
resources. Energy vampires come in different forms; you might have a boss who always has something
negative to say about your work no matter how hard you try. After months of constant criticism, going
to work becomes depressing, and the job you once enjoyed has now become your greatest source of
anxiety.

Hopelessness: Hope is something that people use to get them through challenging situations in life. It
gives us faith that everything is going to be all right in the end. However, when you don’t have hope, you
are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel; everything is doom and gloom and you can no
longer see a way out of your circumstances. When hope is absent from your life, the desire to live begins
to dwindle.

Energy vampires, like narcissists who find satisfaction in emotional abuse, are experts about plucking
hope out of their victims. They will make you feel as if you are the most worthless person in the world
and that you will never amount to anything. When a person you love sees you in this way, you are
bound to lose hope in the future. It is essential that you never allow anyone to steal your hope. Because
when the chips really are down in life, hope is the only thing that will pull you out of the gutter. Do
everything in your power to protect your hope, refuse to allow anyone near it.

Detachment: Emotional abuse numbs you, and you begin to use it as a defense mechanism and your
former emotional self ceases to operate. You become immune to the emotions of happiness and joy, as
pain has become the norm for you, so your brain automatically prepares the body for it. This is not
something you do consciously, but one day it will hit you that you don’t remember the last time you felt
good about yourself.

Continuous crying: We cry for different reasons—when we are sad, happy, scared, surprised, shocked,
etc. Most people are unaware of the science behind crying, so here is an explanation. When you are
going through strong emotions, your limbic system transmits these emotions to the automatic nervous
system, which activates your tear glands and causes you to cry. When you are emotionally drained, you
are experiencing a constant barrage of emotions, and because of this you will find yourself crying even
when you don’t think there is anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with crying, especially when you
need to get something off your chest; in fact, because of the natural painkiller in tears, it can be
extremely therapeutic. You will hear people report that they feel much better after they have had a
good cry. However, if you find that you are crying all the time at the slightest issue, then you have a
problem. It might be that you have been spending too much time with someone who doesn’t make you
feel very good about yourself, or you might have had several arguments with your partner. Either way,
something isn’t right, and you need to find out what it is.

Irritability: When you are emotionally drained, you are empty and have nothing left to give. All
resources have been taken from you, even your patience. You find yourself snapping at the slightest
things, like someone coughing next to you or chewing loudly, and every bone in your body will want to
turn around and slap them. Previously, you were able to ignore things like this and would chalk it up to
the fact that not everyone was raised with good manners.

ENERGY VAMPIRES – HOW TO HANDLE THEM

As mentioned, there is no escape from energy vampires. We are surrounded by them. Depending on
your circumstances, there are going to be times when you will take on the role of energy vampire. For
example, you may go through a period when you are extremely codependent and needy because of
what you are experiencing. Or after a breakup, you might be feeling lonely and need someone to fill that
void. However, the difference between you, who might switch between roles, and a full-time energy
vampire is that you will eventually become aware of your emotional state and snap out of it. A full-time
energy vampire has no self-awareness and will leach off people until they are completely depleted of all
resources. Regardless of whether you have the tendency to become an energy vampire or not, it is
important that you learn how to deal with them.

As you have read, there are two types of energy vampires: those who are aware of what they are doing
and those who are not. Whichever category they fall into, your first step is to see them for who they are.
We can have the wrong people in our lives for a time before we realize that they are not doing us any
good. If you always experience negative feelings after spending time with someone, you are looking at a
red flag. In general, humans are pretty forgiving, and we will extend a lot of grace to dysfunctional
people and chalk it up to them just having a bad day, or ‘going through something’ at the moment. We
make excuses for them, but we have a gut feeling that this person is not good for us. If someone always
acts like an idiot, causing mayhem everywhere they go, they are probably just an idiot! Don’t allow such
a person to keep getting away with such behavior because you feel sorry for them.

One of the most important things you must learn to do when dealing with energy vampires is to ground
yourself. This involves knowing who you are, standing firm in your beliefs, and refusing to allow anyone
to derail you. It is essential that you have a solid and clear understanding of yourself and your energy.
You will find that energy vampires have a laser for searching out vulnerable people they can take
advantage of. A vulnerable person is someone who is easily influenced; for example, people who are
easily offended make the perfect candidate for an emotional vampire.

Think of yourself as a strong oak tree whose roots stretch far down into the ground on which they stand,
and no matter how severe the storm, the oak tree cannot be uprooted.

Protect your personal space at all times. Be diligent about the people you let into your life. If you give
access to an energy vampire, they will kick down the door of your soul. When they are able to do this,
you are setting yourself up for the worst. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be friendly with the people
you meet. Treat everyone with the same level of respect; however, you are not obliged to befriend
everyone. You must carefully vet the people you are considering allowing into your inner circle.

If it is absolutely necessary that you deal with an energy vampire, do so when you are in a group of
people. Therefore, they are unable to focus on you alone, the other members of the group create a
shield around you. For example, if your manager is an energy vampire, don’t go to lunch with them on
your own, only go if the whole team gets to come. There are going to be times when this is outside of
your control; however, you will need to get creative and find ways not to involve yourself in
conversations that are going to leave you drained.

Everyone has subjects that they are passionate about. If you want to spare yourself the agony of dealing
with the negative frequency of an energy vampire, avoid talking about their trigger topics. For example,
you might have a friend who is always complaining about their job, you can protect yourself from their
negative energy by avoiding that conversation. Maintain control of the conversation so that your friend
is unable to talk about their job.

Finally, you don’t have to deal with an energy vampire. You are well within your rights to reject such
people. Do whatever you have to do, block them on your phone and all social media platforms. When
you are trying to live your best life, you simply don’t have the energy to fix broken people who don’t
want to be fixed. Even if you have the compassion of Jesus, it is important to understand that there are
some individuals who need professional help, and it is absolutely fine to walk away from the relationship
if it isn’t healthy for you. You must choose self-preservation first because it’s impossible to save
everyone.

ENERGY VAMPIRE SUB-TYPES

We have discussed the fact that there are two types of vampire, the aware and the unaware; however,
it is also important to mention that energy vampires come in sub-types. These include the following:

The victim: Some people find a way to play the victim in every situation; they have mastered the role
and will find every opportunity to let the world know how unfairly they have been treated. If you know a
person like this, you will soon get tired of listening to them complain all the time. They moan if their
boss asks them to do the work that has been explicitly stated on their job contract, and they complain
when they have to wait in line like everyone else in the world. They whine when you can’t answer the
phone because you are in an important meeting; the list is endless. Just thinking about all the things that
a person with a victim mentality complains about will drain you. Long after you have left their presence
or hung up the phone on such a person, their voice continues to haunt you.

The narcissist – I’m the most important person in the world: A narcissistic energy vampire doesn’t
believe you are worthy of any type of consideration. They don’t care about how you are feeling or how
your life might be inconvenienced, their main concern is themselves. They will expect you to be there
for them at a drop of a hat and actually have the audacity to believe that your sole existence revolves
around them. In other words, you were born to cater to their needs. Such energy vampires take
everything from you until you have nothing left to give.

The intimidator: The intimidator doesn’t have their own strength; although they act strong and tough,
deep down they are petrified of life. Wherever they are, these people like to dominate the space they
are in. They are inappropriate, they speak the loudest, and they tend to push people around. When they
know they are not visible, they will say the vilest things. Intimidators are often internet trolls and will
target people online with hate posts. They find strength in numbers and like to team up with likeminded
people so that they can do more damage. They don’t care about what anyone else thinks because their
point of view is all that counts. This type of energy vampire makes the worst manager because they get
high off of power and believe that they are more important than they actually are. They tend to believe
that the company will collapse without them.

The drama queen: There are some people who find drama no matter where they go. Whether they are
in school, at work, at home, in a restaurant, on vacation, or in a store, they will find drama! As long as
there is an audience, they will find a way to attract attention to themselves. They thrive on chaos
because it fills the emotional void they have. If you are dating a drama queen, they will pick fights about
any and everything. You may have spent the entire day slaving away in the kitchen cooking them a nice
meal for their birthday, but they will find something wrong with it and cause an argument. Everything
offends them, they are constantly complaining that no one likes them, and they can’t understand why.
Go figure! They will throw hissy fits at every chance they get, even going as far as to throw things. Do
not stay in such a relationship because this type of energy vampire is not interested in changing. If they
do change, it’s for the worst, maybe from a monster to a dragon perhaps? For example, if they usually
fought with you by destroying your shoe collection, now they turn up at your workplace to pick a fight.
Once you spot signs of a drama queen energy vampire, exit the relationship immediately.

The judgmental vampire: There are some people who have something negative to say about everyone
they come across. Even Mother Theresa wouldn’t be good enough for them as they would find
something to criticize her about. They pull people apart and put them back together the way they think
they should be. For example, they will say things like, “That woman is actually quite pretty, but if her
nose was a little bit more pinched, her hair dyed blonde, and her waistline a bit trimmer, she would be
perfect.” They look at the world like this because it’s a form of deflection. Their gripe isn’t really with the
individual they are criticizing but with themselves. They are extremely insecure and don’t believe they
are good enough. Therefore, they project their low self-esteem on everyone else. Judgmental vampires
take the little bit of value that a person sees in him or herself and crushes it.
CHAPTER 11: THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TEST
Congratulations! You have almost made it to the end of the book. In this chapter, you will have the
opportunity to determine how emotionally intelligent you are. As you have read through this book, you
have probably identified areas in your life that you know you need to improve upon. This test will help
you gain even more insight into your strengths and weaknesses in relation to emotional intelligence. If
the results reveal that you are indeed emotionally intelligent, you won’t need to improve, and you can
close the book. However, if you need to improve, the following chapter will assist you in that.

There is nothing complicated about this test. Simply answer “true” or “false” to the questions and
calculate your score at the end. It is important that you are honest with your answers; you must remain
objective and truthful to get an accurate score on your level of emotional intelligence.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TEST

1. You know how to identify your feelings and will use the right language to articulate it; for
example, when someone asks, “How are you doing today?” Depending on who is asking the
question, you are not going to just say whether you are okay or not when you know that you are
feeling disappointed, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, etc. TRUE/FALSE

2. You have never considered yourself to be self-serving, selfish, or self-absorbed to the point
where you have no regard for what’s taking place around you. You have a desire to know more
about the people you are surrounded by. Even if you are an introvert, you will spend time
 observing the people in your life and those who you meet to learn more about them.
TRUE/FALSE

3. Adapting to change comes easily to you. You are flexible in your approach to life and believe
that change is exciting. TRUE/FALSE

4. You are very aware of your strengths and capable of clearly articulating your weaknesses. You
are aware of the people you enjoy spending your time with and those you find annoying.
TRUE/FALSE

5. People cannot fool you. You are a good judge of character and can quickly tell when a person is
pretending to be someone they are not. There are very few things that shock you when it comes
to people. TRUE/FALSE

6. You are not easily offended. You can take criticism without letting it affect you. You know how
to laugh at yourself and don’t mind being the butt of a respectful joke. TRUE/FALSE

7. You don’t regret your mistakes and spend time lamenting over them, you find the lesson in
them and keep it moving. You understand that it’s human nature to make mistakes, you don’t
base your self-worth on your failures but see them as a learning opportunity. TRUE/FALSE

8. You don’t hold grudges because you know that they don’t benefit you. When someone offends
you, you forgive them quickly so that you are not burdened with bitterness. TRUE/FALSE

9. You know how to interact with toxic people in a way that doesn’t leave you emotionally drained.
You try to see things through the eyes of the toxic person no matter how difficult that might be.
You know how to protect your energy when dealing with a toxic person. TRUE/FALSE

10. You are not a perfectionist because you know that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist. You don’t expect
anyone in your life to be perfect whether at home or at work. You simply try to do your best
under the circumstances you are in. TRUE/FALSE

11. You know when life has become so stressful that you need to take a break, and you do so
without feeling guilty about it. You do not feel obliged to be available to everyone and to show
your face at every social event. You find it easy to switch off and unwind because you know that
it’s important to your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. TRUE/FALSE

12. You eat a healthy diet. You understand that what you put inside your body will either help you
or harm you. You also understand that what you eat has an effect on your emotions; therefore,
you stay away from toxic foods without being obsessive about it. TRUE/FALSE

13. You are serious about getting a good night’s rest. You don’t stay up until all hours trying to finish
projects that you know you can put off until the following day. You understand that sleep is
important because the body needs to rest and restore itself for it to work effectively. In general,
you go to bed at the same time each night. TRUE/FALSE
 14. You do not indulge in negative self-talk. Instead, you speak to yourself in a loving manner. You
are not harsh or judgmental towards yourself when you make mistakes; you look for ways to
improve your flaws instead of beating yourself up about them. TRUE/FALSE

15. You don’t seek validation from other people, and you are confident in who you are. You are
proud of the things you have achieved in life and will celebrate your successes no matter how
small or big. You are not bothered about other people’s opinions of you because you know that
the only opinion that matters is the one that you have about yourself. You do not allow people
into your life who will steal your joy. TRUE/FALSE

Calculate your total number of trues and measure it against the following scale:
True EQ Rating Meaning

15 Very High EQ You understand your emotions and you are secure in your identity. You
are true to yourself and highly motivated. You won’t allow people to
occupy too much space in your life, and you respect others and their
emotions. You are most likely fun to be around because you don’t take
life too seriously and know how to take a joke. The people in your life
love to have you around, but you are not concerned about who does and
doesn’t like you because you love yourself and don’t feel that you need
to change your personality or behavior, but you do believe in continuous
improvement.

10- High EQ You are secure in who you are, you are capable of reading people. You
14 are empathetic but won’t allow people to drain your energy. You value
emotional intelligence and you think before you speak no matter how
intense your emotions are at the time. You love yourself and you know
what you want out of life. You know how to articulate your dreams,
goals, and achievements. You have strong opinions, but you are
accommodating of other people’s opinions.

5-9 Average EQ In general, you get along with people. You love yourself on most days;
however, you still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. Your
good days are good, and your bad days are bad. Sometimes you can be
very critical of yourself and you spend too much time focusing on past
mistakes. You hold onto grudges and even find it difficult to forgive
yourself. You have a strong desire to be a better person, but you are not
sure how.

0-4 Low EQ You don’t know who you are, you are constantly offending people and
you hate yourself and your life. You find it difficult to wake up in the
morning and you are always late for work. Your colleagues don’t like you
and there is a good chance that your manager is thinking about firing
you. You find dating difficult, and if you are in a relationship or married,
you are always arguing with your partner. When you get angry you
shout, and on occasion you have become violent. Your emotions are very
extreme, and you are never relaxed or happy. There is hope for you to
improve your emotional intelligence if you are willing to work on
yourself.
CHAPTER 12: IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE – 10 DAY
CHALLENGE
As you have journeyed through this book and learned to understand the value of emotional intelligence,
you may have concluded that there are some areas that you are naturally good at, and others that you
know need some work. There are some people who are born with emotional intelligence, but the good
news is that it is a skill you can learn if you are willing to put in the work. Over the next ten days, you will
gain some valuable knowledge that will assist you in increasing your self-awareness. You will also
become more balanced emotionally and begin to relate to people in a different way.

DAY 1: WHAT ARE YOUR NATURAL PATTERNS AND TENDENCIES, STRENGTHS, AND WEAKNESSES?

Journaling is a great way to focus on your emotions and keep track of your goals. So get yourself a
journal and some pens because you will be using them a lot during these 10 days. Journaling is most
effective when you set aside a time every day to write down your thoughts. It is best to do it first thing
in the morning because in the evening you are more relaxed and there is a greater chance that you
won’t do it. Wake up 30 minutes earlier and have some “me time” as you reflect and write. It will set the
tone for your day, boost your mood and disposition, and keep you grounded.

So let’s get started!

Step 1

• Create three columns in your journal

• Column 1: Strengths

• Column 2: Weaknesses

• Column 3: Natural tendencies

• Write at least 5 entries and be as objective as possible

Step 2

• Label days 1-10 in your journal

• Each night write out specific words that describe your emotions for that day

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

Knowing your natural tendencies, patterns, and strengths and weaknesses will help you understand
your emotional state. Most of us don’t pay any attention to our strengths and weaknesses. On the other
hand, if we do have any insight, we shy away from thinking about them. We live in a society that forbids
us from highlighting our strengths in fear of being labeled as “arrogant.” However, we are encouraged
to display our weaknesses so that we appear humble and don’t intimidate others. This will not
contribute to your emotional growth; in fact, it will stagnate it. Celebrating your strengths will help
foster a sense of self-worth. In a similar manner, knowing your weaknesses and not judging yourself for
them will give you the opportunity to improve yourself so that you can grow as a person.

During your first day, pay attention to your emotions, focus on how you interact with other people and
how you manage your emotions when doing so. If you feel any strong emotions, don’t suppress them,
but acknowledge them and the moment in which they occurred. If you want to have more control over
your emotions, you must know what annoys you and what calms you down. Monitoring your emotions
will help you highlight any patterns and trends related to your emotional well-being.

DAY 2: HOW DO YOUR EMOTIONS AFFECT YOUR BEHAVIOR?

Your task on day one was to be mindful of your emotions and reflect on your strengths and weaknesses.
However, if you want to improve your EQ, it is also important that you know what to do about them. As
you have read throughout this book, emotional intelligence is internal and external. Your internal
feelings show up in the way you treat people and interact with others. The majority of us are unaware of
how our emotions and actions are connected.

During day two, spend time thinking about and analyzing situations in the past where you have acted
impulsively because of your emotions.

• What did the situation look like?

• Did you regret your behavior?

• Is there anything you wish you had done differently?

• Would you have experienced a different outcome if you had taken time out to think about the
consequences of your actions before reacting?

By providing honest answers to these questions, you will gain deeper insight into how your emotions
affect your behavior and your interactions with other people.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

The next step on your journey to improving your emotional intelligence is to practice restraint. This is
not about suppressing your emotions, but about thinking before you act. When you are filled with
intense emotions, it is difficult to contain them; however, when you get these feelings, take some deep
breaths before reacting. It is often said that you should never make promises when you are in a good
mood, or make decisions when you are angry, because our emotions dictate our behavior. And all too
often, once those emotions have subsided, we regret our actions. When you have a better
understanding of how your emotions affect your behavior, you will spend more time thinking before you
react. Every new skill takes practice to master. You are not going to get this right away and there are
going to be times when your emotions will get the better of you. However, the more you work on this,
the better you will get.

In times of intense emotional feelings, don’t forget to ask yourself this question:

• Will reacting to the way I am feeling benefit me in an hour from now when I have calmed down?

If you answer “no” to this question, calm yourself down by doing some breathing exercises and suspend
action.

DAY 3: MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS – EMOTION AND LOGIC

There is nothing you do that doesn’t go through a decision-making process before you take action on it.
There are times when it will take you weeks to make a decision, and there are others when you will
make a decision in a split second. Regardless of the time it took to make the decision, the point is that
you went through a decision-making process. On day three, you are going to learn how to make
intelligent decisions.
 • Create two columns in your journal. Label one, “Do it because....” and the other, “Don’t do it
because....”

• Under each column list the reasons why you should or should not do it.

• List every reason you can think of including your feelings, will it make you feel happy, sad, angry,
fulfilled...? Will it benefit your career or personal life?

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

There is a difference between logic and smart decision-making, and if you have ever thought that you
made a logical decision and then didn’t feel right when you did it, you will know that objectivity isn’t the
only ingredient in good decision-making. We cannot escape our emotions; that is how humans are
designed. Regardless of how objective or logical you try to be, you won’t be able to help how you feel
about the decision. Therefore, when making decisions, especially important ones, it is essential that you
listen to that small voice of reason within you as well as your heart.

In a way, decision-making is similar to choosing your major in college. A certain subject might represent
that golden ticket required to secure your future; however, if your heart is not in it, and you are only
doing it for the money, you are going to end up very miserable. Although it isn’t possible to always do
what makes you happy, you should make every effort to strike a balance between practicality and
fulfillment.

DAY 4: IMPROVING YOUR LISTENING SKILLS

Since social media took over the world, active listening is now practically non-existent. Yes, it’s great
that we can now connect with people at the click of a button no matter where they are in the world, but
we should still value face-to-face interaction because communicating online will never be able to replace
what takes place when two people have a genuine connection as they meet in person.

• Make a list of the five people you interact with most often.

• Under each of their names, make a list of the topics they often speak about − but you don’t
really pay any attention to.

• If you can’t think of anything, write down a list of the ways in which you would like to know
more about them.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

As you can see from what you have written, there are plenty of things we either miss or neglect when
we are speaking to people. With so many things in our environment trying to get our attention, it’s very
easy to get distracted. I am certain there is not one person reading this who can deny that they have
never nodded along to a conversation that they were paying very little attention to.
Active listening involves paying careful attention to the person you are communicating with. You must
retain that information and then interact with them according to what you have heard. If you are going
to increase your emotional intelligence and learn how to make deeper and meaningful connections with
the people you come into contact with, active listening is a skill you must master as it allows you to
absorb yourself in the moment so that you can properly engage with the person you are talking to.

A good way to practice your active listening skills is to have a conversation with a person and listen to
them as if you are going to take an English comprehension test based on what they have said. In this
way, you can focus all your attention on what they are saying without your mind going to other places.

A good tip is to keep your phone out of sight when you are having a conversation with someone. That
will improve your ability to focus.

DAY 5: DEVELOPING EMPATHY

Your level of emotional intelligence is dependent upon your ability to be empathetic. It is also one of the
hardest qualities to tap into. If you know that you are not an empathetic person, you will need to invest
a lot of time in developing this skill. As you have read, empathy is the ability to see things through
someone else’s eyes and put yourself in their shoes. During day five, your aim is to learn how to
experience the feelings of those around you.

• Choose someone you know who is going through a difficult time.

• Imagine that you are in the same situation as that person.

• What would you feel?

• How would you react to the situation?

• How would you want the people around you to help?

• How could the situation be resolved so you feel better?

• Could things get any worse?

• Is there a resolution?

When you are answering these questions, you should keep in mind that you are not answering them for
yourself, you are answering them as if you were the other person. You must be able to see the world
through someone else’s eyes before you can empathize with them.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

Empathy is a difficult skill to develop because, in general, human beings are self-absorbed, we think
about ourselves first and ultimately, we are our main priority. We look inwards before we look
outwards. We focus on our perception of the world and how it affects us. However, if you are going to
boost your emotional intelligence, you must learn to see beyond yourself and your emotions. When you
can relate to others and understand how other people are feeling, you will begin to improve your
emotional intelligence.

The first step towards being more empathetic is making a conscious decision to attempt to see the
world through the eyes of another person. In this way, we are separating ourselves from any
preconceived notions we might have. This gives us the opportunity to look at things from another
relevant perspective, which gives us access to the feelings of those around us.

Empathy is difficult. It is not something you can learn overnight, but with practice, you will learn how to
tap into the feelings of others, including the people you are closest to and those you come into contact
with for the first time.

DAY 6: ASSERTIVENESS AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

Although there are some people who avoid conflict at all costs, it is a part of human nature and
something we will eventually have to confront whether we want to or not. One of the reasons people
avoid conflict is because they either don’t like making other people feel bad or they don’t like the way it
makes them feel. The good news is that you can resolve conflict without a negative outcome. It is simply
another skill you can learn.

• Think about some conflict you are currently experiencing. It might be at work, with friends or
family. Regardless of how trivial the conflict might be, write it down.

• Write down everything you would want to say to the person involved in the conflict.

• Go through the list and mark any statements that you feel are either too aggressive or too timid.

• Rewrite these statements and reword them in a less aggressive or more assertive tone.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

Considering the fact that you will never completely escape conflict, it only makes sense that you learn
the best way to handle it. Not only will it make your life easier, but it will also make the lives of those
around you easier. It is also important to remember that conflict management doesn’t involve being
passive and apologizing just so you can put the issue to bed. Rather, it involves learning how to
effectively address the issue and voice your opinion without causing offense.

If you don’t like confronting people, it only makes sense that you are going to be slightly apprehensive
when it comes to conflict resolution. However, you don’t need to rush into it. Take your time and work
out exactly what you want to say and how you would like the situation to be resolved. Once you are
clear on what you want, you can start focusing on how you are going to do it. You can begin by telling
people what you want without being antagonistic. Remember, the aim is to get people to listen to you,
so you will need to listen to them first so that they can return the favor. Conflict resolution is similar to a
give-and-take relationship. Listen more than you talk, and when you do talk, make sure that whatever
you say is said with precision so that there is no misunderstanding about what you have said.

DAY 7: BE OPEN MINDED AND ACCEPT CRITICISM

If you are going to become better at anything, you need to know where you are going wrong. Therefore,
it is important to learn how to handle constructive criticism. Although criticism is essential to self-
improvement, there is no denying the fact that it can be painful. Therefore, you must learn how to be
open to it.

• Write down five of the most offensive criticisms you have ever been given, they can be from
friends, family members, work colleagues, or a random rude remark from a stranger.

• Go through the list and write down why these criticisms hurt you.

• Is there a way these criticisms could have been delivered without offending you?

• Evaluating the criticism in retrospect and objectively, did it make sense? And was it necessary?

• Drop your guard while doing this exercise and refrain from being defensive, just accept the
criticism and try and think about the reasoning behind the criticism.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

In most cases, when we are criticized, our defenses go up immediately, but it shouldn’t be like this.
There is no doubt that some criticisms are rude and harsh, but there are also some that were meant to
help us better ourselves. Remember, there are going to be times when even the harshest words are said
from a position of love. Therefore, before having a negative reaction to criticism, first listen to what has
been said. While the words might seem hurtful, oftentimes there is a hint of truth in the statement. The
goal is to determine which statements were said to help you. Once you have gathered this information,
you can then use it to your advantage.

The next time you are criticized, don’t go into defense mode; rather, listen to what the person has said
and address it accordingly. You will be amazed at how many seemingly offensive comments were not
actually intended to hurt you. When you keep an open mind, not only is it better for you emotionally,
but it gives you the opportunity to grow as a person. If you approach criticism from the right angle, it will
help you and not hurt you.

DAY 8: EMOTIONAL FLEXIBILITY – LETTING GO OF YOUR MISTAKES

We all make mistakes. It’s one of those aspects of life that we are unable to avoid. Unfortunately for
most of us, instead of learning from our mistakes we often hold onto them and allow them to torture as
by living in constant regret. You will never move forward in life if you hold onto this mindset. It is
important to remember that there is no one way street to success. You are going to encounter many
roadblocks, detours, and potholes. In other words, you are going to fail time and time again, but you
must learn how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving.

• Write down what you consider to be your greatest failure.

• Why did it have such an effect on you?

• Have you put the failure behind you and moved on from it?

• If not, why are you still holding onto this mistake?

• What would you lose if you were to try to get to that destination again and fail?

When you can come to terms with these answers, you will gain a different perspective on the failure and
it will alleviate the anxiety you feel about it. In most cases, you are not afraid of trying again, you are
afraid of the unknown.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

It is unrealistic to expect you to get over your biggest fear overnight and start living your best life. Let’s
start slowly so you are not too overwhelmed. As you go throughout your daily life, start saying “yes” to
the things you know you are not good at. For example, if you don’t like speaking in front of groups, the
next time your manager asks for an opinion in the group, say something. Once you get used to this,
ramp it up: your next step might be that you offer to lead the team in an event. And finally, you might
volunteer to do a presentation in front of the entire office! Even though you are taking baby steps, the
idea is to take those steps towards leaving your comfort zone so that you will eventually get comfortable
with being uncomfortable.

If you mess up, don’t let it bother you; instead, learn from it and keep moving forward. The idea here is
to figure out what works best for you and what doesn’t. Remember, failure is one of the ingredients for
success. You will never know what works until you figure out what doesn’t. Rather than focus on the
negative aspects of your failure, focus on the lessons and the additional skills you have acquired by
trying. You must understand that your mistakes are not a reflection of who you are. Every mistake you
make is leading you one step closer to success.

DAY 9: NO ONE IS PERFECT

There is no such thing as a perfect person; such people don’t exist. The media might make it appear that
they do, but the reality of the situation is that we all have flaws. Therefore self-improvement involves
becoming the best version of yourself. Trying to be perfect will do nothing but frustrate you.

• Create three columns

1. Column 1: Things I would like to change about myself, but I am unable to

2. Column 2: Why you are unable to change them
 3. Column 3: Why not being able to change them is okay

The things you write down can be about anything from your personality to your looks to different
aspects of your life. The idea is to look for things that prevent you from becoming your ideal self and
then understand that you becoming the best version of yourself doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.
Spend day nine learning how to love your imperfect self.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

When you are working on self-improvement, striving for perfection can be damaging. What it does is
force you to focus on what you haven’t accomplished yet instead of on how much you’ve improved. It is
important to understand that you are not trying to win a race against yourself − that’s not what life is
about. You will need to learn how to forgive yourself for wanting to be perfect and celebrate the things
you have achieved no matter how small.

When you are put in a position where you are asked to do something that you know you are not good
at, don’t get frustrated because you don’t get it right the first time around. As long as you are making an
effort, it doesn’t matter whether you are getting it right or not. Instead of allowing your imperfections to
derail you, wear them with pride. Your imperfections add depth to your character. If you didn’t have
them, you wouldn’t be as unique as you are.

DAY 10: DEVELOPING EQUANIMITY AND AWARENESS WITH MINDFUL MEDITATION

You have spent the last nine days on a journey of self-discovery and introspection. Day ten will wrap up
everything you have learned and serve as an anchor for the future. Today, I want you to practice
mindfulness meditation.

Mindfulness meditation allows you to empty your mind and channel your energy towards your
experiences. You will become extremely aware of your emotions and it will allow you to understand
yourself better. Mindfulness meditation will help you find your center and become aware of yourself
and your present situation. It enables you to make an objective evaluation of where you are spiritually,
physically, and emotionally. According to experts, mindfulness meditation helps in relieving stress,
reducing symptoms of a variety of medical conditions, and eliminating pain. It also helps you ground
yourself when you are experiencing difficult situations. For example, if you are feeling anxious and
overwhelmed, mindfulness meditation will help you find yourself and collect your thoughts so that you
can make intelligent decisions. It will definitely help you to increase your emotional intelligence.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

You can start mindfulness meditation by setting aside 10 minutes of your time each day.

• Find a comfortable, quiet place to sit down and relax

 • You can either sit on the floor or on a chair, just make sure you are sitting up straight and in a
relaxed position

• Clear your thoughts and your mind and focus on the moment

• Become aware of your body and your breathing

• Focus on the sensation of the air moving into your lungs

• Focus on your chest rising and falling as you inhale and exhale

• As you breathe, visualize your fears, worries, and anxieties

• With every breath, release each negative thought

• If you start thinking about other things, pull yourself back into the present while taking deep,
full, breaths

• Do this for 10 minutes

As you continue with mindfulness meditation, you will begin to notice how much easier it is for you to
handle challenges.
CONCLUSION
If you are reading this, I can only assume that you have read your way through the entire book!
Congratulations! I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. The concept of
emotional intelligence is mind-blowing, but what’s so awesome about it is that you might have gotten
the lowest score on the test today but with a couple of months’ practice, you can take the test again and
get the highest score.

Whether you have high or low emotional intelligence, I encourage you to keep improving and
challenging yourself until EQ is so embedded in your subconscious mind that it becomes as natural to
you as breathing!
THANKS FOR READING !
I really hope you enjoyed this book, and most of all got more value from it than you had to give.

Be sure to check out my email list, where I am constantly adding tons of value. The best way to currently
get on the list is by visiting https://www.pristinepublish.com/empathbonus and entering your email.

Here I’ll provide actionable information that aims to improve your enjoyment of life. I’ll update you on
my latest books, and I’ll even send free e-books that I think you’ll find useful.

Kindest regards,
 ALSO BY
Judy Dyer

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REFERENCES
Dwoskin, H. The Sedona Method (2008) Arizona: Sedona Press

Goleman, D. (1995) Emotional Intelligence Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. United Kingdom:
Bloomsbury

Hicks, E&J. Ask and it is Given (2004) California: Hay House

Jasper, A.J. & Otto, M, W. Exercise for Mood and Anxiety Disorders Therapist Guide (Treatments That
Work) (2009) United States of America: Oxford University Press

Krznaric, R. (2014) Empathy Why it Matters and How to Get it. United Kingdom: Ebury Publishing

McLaren, K. (2010) The Language of Emotions: What Your Emotions Are Trying to Tell You. Canada:
Sounds True

Reynolds, D.K. Constructive Living. (1986) Hawaii: Kolowalu Books