INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT.

-NIGHT

JOHN sits there. He is browsing the web. After a moment he

stops on a site.

JOHN
Whew. Yeah.

He unbuttons and unzips the top of his pants. He starts to

reach into his pants. A man, ANGEL, comes in and smacks him
with a newspaper.

ANGEL
Hey! Knock that shit off!

JOHN
What? Hey!

John tries to zip up his pants.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Who the hell are you?

ANGEL
Angel.

JOHN
What?

ANGEL
I'm an angel.

JOHN
Angels are real?

ANGEL
This apartment's a shithole. You
live here? What a fuckin' pit.

JOHN
(Confused to no end.)
What?

ANGEL
Do you want some help cleaning? I
might be able to arrange a
lightning bolt or something.

JOHN
No, I'm fine.

ANGEL
Flood? Fire?

(CONTINUED)
 2.
CONTINUED:

JOHN
What do you want?

ANGEL
What about an earthquake? Suck
this whole cesspool into a massive
gaping hole in the ground?

JOHN
Stop! What is this?

ANGEL
I was chosen as a representative by
the Winged Deliverers of the
Message and the Sword, Local six
eighty-two to give you this.

Angel hands John a scroll.

JOHN
Are you serious?

ANGEL
Yes. We all are. And we'll strike
if our demands are not met.

JOHN
Demands?

ANGEL
And if you don't meet them, it can
put a... Wedge between you and the
big guy.

JOHN
I don't understand.

ANGEL
Let me explain. Angels are
everywhere. We're up, down and all
around. There's a couple in this
room that you can't see.

John turns to look around the otherwise empty room. He

subconsciously covers the front of his pants.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
We fly because there isn't enough
room for us on the ground. And
we're very real. You people bump
into us all the time.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 3.
CONTINUED: (2)
ANGEL (CONT'D)
We get stuck in elevators and hit
by trains... We get run over all
the time.

Angel leans in close so John understands this.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
There's angel guts all over your
highways. It's a good thing you
can't see us.

Angel indicates the outside.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
It's a bloodbath out there. As
long as an angel is off the ground,
the better it is. Less chance to
bite it. You've heard of "Every
time a bell rings an angel gets his
wings?" We take that very
seriously because it could mean
life or death for an angel.

John looks over the scroll. Angel smacks John with the
newspaper again.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
Listen now. Read that later.

Angel pulls out a bell.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
Here's one for you my brothers.

It is then with bottomless pride, Angel holds a fist to his

chest and rings the bell. Then he turns to John again.
ANGEL (CONT'D)
There's another part of that bit.
The bell gets an angel his wings,
but every time you whack off an
angel's wings are violently ripped
from his fragile body.

Angel indicates the internet.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
For you, this is a major problem.
You see, one moment they are
weightless and without care. The
next moment, SPLAT! One hundred
and fifty pounds of ground chuck!

(CONTINUED)
 4.
CONTINUED: (3)

Angel towers over John.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
Angels are dropping like crazy
around this house. In fact, I'd be
pissing my robes, but I carry my
bell.

He solemnly rings it again with his fist on his chest.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
The WDMS 682 got worried. We
decided to get proactive.

JOHN
(Indicating scroll.)
You want me to stop masturbating?

ANGEL
Yes.

JOHN
Why me?

ANGEL
You're the only one who
masturbates.

JOHN
That is SO not true! You're lying!
People masturbate all the time!

ANGEL
Actually, no. It's a lie. They
all say they do so they don't get
embarrassed. No one actually does
it.

Angel indicates the computer monitor.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
And then there's you. Had to take
it to the next level, didn't you?
Had to rub a few out...

Angel shakes his head.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
Despicable.

(CONTINUED)
 5.
CONTINUED: (4)

JOHN
Excuse me, I'm not going to
apologize for something that's
completely natural.

ANGEL
Everything you need to know is in
that scroll.

JOHN
I don't believe you.

ANGEL
Read the scroll. It's all in
there.

JOHN
What if I don't?

ANGEL
Then the WDMS 682 goes on strike
and you lose your shot at the blue
afterlife. The big guy won't like
it that you made all of his angels
go on strike and he won't let you
in. It's that simple.

JOHN
How am I supposed to stop?

ANGEL
We're everywhere. We see
everything. We'll be watching you.

Angel refers to three invisible angels.

ANGEL (CONT'D)
These three guys? This is Damiel,
this is Dudley, and this is
Clarence. And I'm warning you.
When you piss, if you shake it more
than twice, I will fucking own you.

Angel leaves John. John looks around the room in fear.

FADE OUT.