1.

Because of this close emotional link and her more delicate nature, a wife can be deeply
discouraged, wounded, and/or disheartened by her husband‘s disregard. She can also be greatly
encouraged, healed, and/or strengthened by her husband‘s honor. If a wife is behaving in a
negative manner, it is often a reaction, sometimes an unconscious one, to her husband‘s
dishonor. Understanding a Woman
Since her birth from Adam‘s side, Eve (and each one of her daughters) has known that
she is designed to matter deeply to someone. From this desire comes both her strength
and her extreme vulnerability. In a place where a woman must work hard to survive, her
longing for something more seems like an unnecessary luxury. Why should a woman let
herself have longings, if they only cause pain?
What is a woman? More specifically, when you think, ―now that‘s a real woman,whom
do you picture? A supermodel or Mother Teresa? Ahn Suu Kyi or a belly dancer? A
strong mother of twelve or a delicate beauty? While the concept of manliness has been
recognizably similar throughout the ages and in various cultures, the vision of
womanliness has been remarkably varied. Is she strong or weak? Naturally sexual or
naturally disinterested? Smart or stupid? Delightful or merely useful?
Both in the church and in the rest of society, the distinctiveness of what women should
be has shifted like blowing sand, which leaves young women off balance and uncertain.
While young men have become disconnected from their strength and, instead, have felt
driven toward pleasure, young women have despaired at the inconsistent or
unattainable vision of the ideal woman. It has outgrown what any one woman can
achieve, except perhaps on film. So adolescent girls anguish they will never be –thin
enough, –beautiful enough, –stylish enough, –popular enough, –strong enough, –
powerful enough, or –smart enough…to matter enough to anyone.
i. A Woman’s Beauty
God has designed many good-looking men, but taken as a whole, women seem to have
been fashioned with an artist‘s eye. We know from Genesis 2:22 that God Himself was
the artist who designed fuller lips, a more curved form, more delicate bones. Why?
What was he revealing about Himself in His creation of woman?
An Overlooked Attribute
On a list of God‘s primary attributes, one is frequently overlooked.  Please read Psalm
27:4. Did you realize that one of God‘s chief attributes is that He is beautiful! When we
consider all of His perfections, it is His beauty that draws us to worship. Such worship is
not a chore, based on a sense of duty, but because we cannot help but be delighted
with Him. When we finally step into God‘s throne room someday, previous visitors report
that we will be enthralled with His beauty and the beauty of the city that He has created
(Isa 6:1-2; Ezk 10:1; Rev 4:3; 21:19).
When we look at a vibrant sunset, a flower, or a beautiful woman‘s face, we are seeing
a reflection of God‘s beauty. We recognize beauty because God appreciates it, and He
made us to appreciate it, even to crave it. But because of sin, woman‘s desire for
beauty is often spent only on the superficial. Women spend billions in baht, lira, yen,
dollars, and every other currency on cosmetics, clothing, and hair products. An
obsession with outer appearance may spring from insecurity or pride, but a woman‘s
essential desire for beauty is part of her design by God. God‘s call to woman to be
beautiful, however, envelops far deeper qualities than merely clear skin and glistening
lips.
More Than Skin Deep
Just as a man’s strength takes various forms, a woman‘s beauty may be expressed in
the following ways:  Graceful movements  A sweet voice  A caring facial expression 
Kind and loving touch  Cheerfulness and optimism These beauties and more express
facets of God‘s beauty and will never wrinkle!
ii. A Woman’s Reign
A woman often reigns on the earth with particular interest in certain areas. These
motivations may be somewhat mystifying to her husband if he does not share them.
When he can learn to recognize that these are motivations that she shares with God, he
may find it easier to understand why she gets so ―worked up about things that he finds
uninspiring. Let‘s look at some of the areas that are sometimes perplexing to men.
a) Reigning in Her Environment
The first place where a woman seeks to reign is at her own home. A woman enjoys
making her home and garden beautiful and comfortable for others. Should a Christian
woman have authority to direct the running of her home?
A woman is generally more motivated than her husband to reign over life‘s quality. This
may extend to her office, her community, or wherever she has influence. This desire to
improve quality enriches all of society. Even if he is not naturally interested, a wise
husband will encourage his wife‘s motivation. It is part of how she has been designed to
improve his life.
b) Reigning in Her Relationships
Husbands, do your wives talk with their friends about relationships more than you talk
with your friends about that subject? Many women feel a compelling need to help others
have good relationships, and they have keen insight into what makes relationships run
smoothly and what makes them ―misfire. This insight into relationships can be a help
to her husband. As one man said, ―My wife comes with a built-in guidebook about
relationships. Here are three ways a woman is motivated to be involved in helping
others with relationships:
 Understanding: A woman often helps people understand and appreciate each
other. How many men have come home from a gathering and asked their wife to
explain what was going on in the undercurrent? This strong interest in
understanding relationships is one of the reasons that women talk with each
other so much. A Vietnamese friend recently told me a proverb that her husband
often repeats, ―Two women make a market.
 Reconciliation: Both women and men desire harmony, but women are often very
good at helping others sort out the issues, at making sure everyone is heard, and
at seeing the value in each point of view. These abilities enable her to help
members of her family resolve differences.
 Warning: Sometimes, a woman doesn‘t even know why she does not trust
someone, but her perceptions are often correct. Studies show that a woman is
often able to pick up subtle nuances of body language that reveal deception,
perhaps without even knowing exactly what ―feels wrong‖ about the person. A
wise man will heed his wife‘s warnings about others and ask her opinion before
trusting someone fully in a ―yoked‖ relationship, such as a business partnership.
c) Reigning Over the Weak and the Helpless
In certain situations even the mildest women can demonstrate fierce strength.
So we have seen that a woman often reigns in her environment through a
different set of strengths than her husband has. But do her motivations matter? Often
people think that a woman‘s desire to reign in these areas is not as important as the
part of the human reign that involves making wars and building skyscrapers (something
both men and women can do). But if woman relinquishes her womanly reign, all
creation suffers. Her efforts matter deeply, especially to the next generations who will
deal with the consequences of her faithfulness or abdication.
iii. Designed to Matter Intensely to Someone
Though women desire beauty, what feels even more important to each individual
woman is knowing that she matters to the people whom she loves. When she was a
child, it was essential to matter to one special man. In the same way that the boy asks
his father in so many ways, ―Dad, am I a man? his daughter asks, ―Do you like what
you see? Will you delight in me and protect me? Do I matter deeply to you? A little girl
will dance, dress up, cuddle, and do everything that she can to use her winsomeness to
delight her father. Many little girls win their father‘s hearts in a profound way.
Through her parents, and especially through her father‘s words and actions, she should
get the following messages:  You are beautiful.  We love you.  You are amazing. 
You are so important to me.  The world is much better because you are in it.
Such girls more easily grow up to find loving husbands who appreciate and delight in
them too.
Reflecting God’s Heart
This desire to be delighted in is one of the ways a woman mirrors God‘s own heart. 
Please read Jeremiah 29:13. Like God, a woman wants a man to pursue her
wholeheartedly. She does not want to join a harem of other similar interests or to be
ignored and taken for granted. A good woman wants her most intimate beauty to be
searched out and reveled in through a committed, singular relationship in marriage.
When a man has given himself to please her and enjoy her, she wants her beauty to
totally satisfy him. Only when a man is willing to give up his freedom for her in marriage
can he be rewarded with the level of intimate, satisfying pleasure that God intended
(Prov 5:19; Song 8:6). In a similar way, God does not display His deep beauty to a
casual visitor. In fact, the lukewarm cannot even recognize it. Only those who offer
everything they own (Mk 8:34), offer themselves as living sacrifices (Rom 12:1), and
make every other relationship secondary (Mt 10:37), may enjoy an intimate relationship
with Him. In marriage and in our relationship to God, when we give ourselves wholly to
the mental and emotional relationship with our beloved, the result is great personal
pleasure (Ps 63:1-2).
The Impact of a Father on a Woman’s Marriage
Please read Luke 8:41-42, the story of Jairus and his daughter.
Notice the details here. This twelve-year-old girl is very sick to the point of death. She is
an only daughter. Her father is a synagogue official, so he is part of the religious
establishment that increasingly wants to bring Jesus down. But Jairus’ little girl matters
to him so deeply that he is willing to humiliate himself publicly by falling at Jesus’ feet to
beg Jesus to come heal his little girl. Such is the strength of a good man‘s tender heart
for his daughter! But not every little girl has a father like Jairus.
A Subtle Failure
For most little girls, a father‘s failure to delight in her is not a gaping wound, but a
gnawing doubt. And, as you saw earlier, if her father failed to tell her she was lovely,
she will often seek for that reassurance in the love of her husband. But not even a good
husband is equipped to answer this question fully. Only her heavenly Father can
completely fill and heal. She must let God, through His Word, mend her heart.
iv. A Special Target
“I will put enmity between you and the woman”—Genesis 3:15 Rape, sexual slavery,
sexual rituals, female genital mutilation, wife burning, acid throwing, female infanticide,
sex-selected murder of unborn baby girls—every week it seems a news report exposes
some heinous crime against women or little girls. Does it seem like some unseen force
is targeting women for special abuse? Why is it that worldwide at least sixty million
females are unaccounted for in the United Nations‘ demographics statistics? Where did
they go?
One of the things that causes Satan to prey upon women is that they seem to be more
easily deceived. Satan singled Eve out for temptation because he knew that she was an
easier target than Adam. In 1 Timothy 2:14-15, Paul affirms this characteristic in
women. This vulnerability could not be a design flaw, because Satan tempted Eve
before the fall. So why in the world would God design her this way?
This vulnerability is actually a great asset in a woman and helps fit her for the role that
God created her for in marriage and family. Unless she has been wounded or
defrauded, a woman is often eager to expect the best, to keep hoping when others have
given up. Isn‘t that a wonderful characteristic in a mother and a wife? Scripture records
many times when a woman was the first to perceive a spiritual truth. A woman was the
first evangelist to proclaim Jesus as the Messiah (Jn 4:29), the first to realize that Christ
came to die (Jn 12:3, 7), the first to believe in the Resurrection and to tell others (Jn
20:16). This perhaps explains why worldwide there are more women church members.
But this readiness to believe can also give woman a vulnerability to deception that Paul
noted. What does this mean in marriage?
Please notice that we are not saying that women are any less intelligent than men. In
Proverbs, wisdom itself is pictured as female! But men in general were designed with
tougher skin than women, both literally and figuratively. Men disbelieve first. They
believe only with adequate proof (or maybe a blinding lightning from heaven). Look at
Thomas‘s reaction to the Resurrection: ―Unless I see the wounds from the nails in his
hands, and put my finger into the wounds from the nails, and put my hand into his side, I
will never believe it!(Jn 20:25). Look at Saul of Tarsus‘s first reaction to the gospel (Acts
9:1-5). And look at King Agrippa‘s reaction to Paul, ―You‘re very persuasive, Paul, but
it‘s going to take more than this to get me to believe, (adapted from Acts 26:28).
The world is a dangerous place, with many deceivers, but a woman can keep safe from
Satan‘s plots. A wife can go to a particular place of safety.
v. A Woman of Strength: Ezer
As we have seen, a woman is designed to have a soft outer shell, to be vulnerable and
hopeful. But inside, she must have the heart of strength. The Proverbs 31 woman is
said to wear ―strength and dignity (Prov 31:25, NASB). How is a woman‘s strength
different from a man‘s strength?
A man‘s physical strength tends to be called forth first by the attack or the threat of other
men. Little boys endlessly challenge each other and wrestle to prove who is stronger.
But a good woman‘s strength often reveals itself when there is a threat to those she
cares for. An ancient Chinese poem tells the story of Mu Lan, a girl who dresses as a
boy to fight in the army so her aged father doesn‘t have to. In more recent history, at
least 250 women fought dressed as men during the American Civil War (1861– 65),
most often to be close to men that they loved. Yet the Bible in 1 Peter 3:7 calls them
―weaker. How can this be? Her type of strength fits her for the unique role for which
she was created.
The woman in Genesis 2 is introduced as an ezer kenegdo. Better understanding of the
role of the ezer kenegdo should help a wife to realize the vital importance of her
ministry. God has made her a strong deliverer from all sorts of evil things. The world
desperately needs what she is designed by God to offer. Even though we have said that
a woman has an important mission in her home, Scripture never suggests she should
offer only those gifts and strengths that are domestic. A strong ezer, filled with the Holy
Spirit of God, invests all of her abilities enthusiastically on behalf of those whom God
has called her to help, particularly her husband if she is married. If we need any proof of
this, we have only to look at the judge Deborah (Jdg 4:4-14), Nabal‘s wife Abigail (1
Sam 25:18-28), or the ideal wife of Proverbs 31:10-31. See how many different arenas
these women excelled at: art, business, farming, homemaking, judging, leading,
diplomacy, teaching.
Developing Ezer Talents
Most of us are familiar with the parable of the talents of Matthew 25:14-30. Review it if
you haven‘t read it recently. If you are a wife, then your talents, gifts, time, and skills are
among the possessions of the Master, which He has entrusted to your stewardship. Are
you being faithful to build His kingdom with all that He has given you? Or are you hiding
them in fear, like the evil servant of verse 25, and hoping not to get into trouble by
taking some risk to accomplish more for the Master?
Husbands, have you hidden your wife‘s talents in the ground? Or are you helping to
develop them as a multiplied offering for the King of kings when He returns? Let your
understanding of her calling as an ezer help you to respect your wife‘s abilities and
strengths. She is never to be treated as a servant, slave, or child. She is God‘s gift to
strongly help you and to help the world. As you assist her to develop her strengths, you
are helping yourself and the kingdom of God.
A Man’s Glory
A woman does not need to become like a man in order to fulfill an important place in
God‘s economy. The fact that many people see women as less important than men is a
clear contradiction to Scripture. Tragically when women try to be men in order to gain
more respect, no one is left to fulfill the niche of women in reigning over life‘s quality,
with special emphasis on relationships and concern for the weak and helpless.
It is the mouth of the evil one that says if a husband makes his wife lowly, his own value
increases. The contrary is true. Men, since your wife is your glory (1 Cor 11:7), as you
help to develop her strengths, you increase your glory! Her success in God‘s calling is
your success. Further, when you are in despair because the path that God is calling you
to walk is overwhelming, all of your ezer‘s strength can come to your aid. Encourage
your wife to be what God created her to be—a strong deliverer, close by your side, your
ezer kenegdo.
The Esteem of God
How many stories about good women can you remember from the Old Testament? Why
were these women included? Most of the time when God gives us an example of a
good woman, she exemplifies a strong ezer.
It is easy to understand how God is our ezer. He is immensely powerful to deliver us
from sin, from death, from destruction. He gives us everything we need for life and
godliness (2 Pet 1:3). Why does anyone need a woman so profoundly that God says
she is a deliverer? That question cannot be answered in one sweeping statement. But
you can answer it for your own life.
vi. A Woman Who Adorns the Gospel
How does Scripture describe what being a Christian woman is all about? We have
already looked at one example of a great wife in Proverbs 31. Now let‘s look at a New
Testament description of strong, good women.
Please read Titus 2:3-4. This description of the relationship between an older woman
and a young wife as mentioned in Titus is particularly appropriate between a mother-in-
law and a daughter-in-law, like Naomi and Ruth. This model of love and mutual respect
is very different from what many young women experience.
2. How Can a Man Love His Woman?
Many men work very hard to continually improve their skill in their vocation, their
ministry, or to keep up their home or farm. In order to do this, they frequently analyze
the situation (Prov 27:23) and decide on a plan of action. They act on their plan before
decay or hardening sets in. But the same man, who is striving for excellence in his
business or in the performance of his motorcycle, may not realize that these same
principles apply in his marriage. He fails to do the frequent analysis and the timely
action essential to keeping it healthy. At home, he eases into passivity like an old pair of
slippers and expects his marriage to run like a perpetual motion machine without fuel or
maintenance. This inactive point of view would quickly mean failure in all of his other
areas of responsibility. What he doesn‘t realize is that it spells disrepair and perhaps
disaster for his relationship with his wife as well. An excellent husband pays close
attention to the current condition of his marriage and works to improve in husbanding
his wife.
One of the greatest images of Himself, which God has written into mankind, is the way
that a husband‘s initiatives toward his wife portray Christ‘s love for His wife, the church.
In this topic, we will look at some of the ways that Scripture describes how a man may
improve his husbanding skills.
i. Unconditionally
“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.” —
Ephesians 5:25
We have seen that a wife reveals the church‘s love for Christ in the way that she
responds to and adores her husband. But what if this wife is doing a poor job of
respecting and loving her husband? How can her husband possibly love her when she
doesn‘t stimulate his loving impulses?
Would your wife say that you love her in a way she can receive? Sometimes even a
loving action is overshadowed by a history of unloving communication that reveals
disinterest or criticism. The apostle Paul describes an ongoing process to remove these
flaws and produce a clear and consistent message and demonstration of love.
ii. Offering Her Protection and Safety
“And gave himself for her.” —Ephesians 5:25
One of the things most of us pray is that God will keep us physically safe, isn‘t it?
Protection is one of the promises that God made to Israel, His wife, if she would remain
faithfully under His care (Deut 28:7; Isa 31:4-5). Israel‘s safety is one reason that God
wiped out all of the nations that might threaten Israel‘s faith or her safety in the
Promised Land. Jesus died so that we would be physically and spiritually delivered from
hell (Rom 6:23). One way that a husband protects his wife is by his willingness to lay
down his life for her, just as Christ did (Eph 5:25). Instinctively in every culture, men
know that one of their roles is to protect their wives from physical danger. This is one of
the main uses of the strength that God has given them. Finding safety and security for
herself and for her children is a basic reason why a woman desires marriage.
But a husband’s protection of his wife encompasses much more than just her physical
safety. We have seen that God designed a woman‘s nature to be heavily invested in
relationships, usually more so than her husband. These abilities enable her to best
serve those who most need her strengths, often those who have no voice for
themselves. As we saw, her strengths are called forth by need, and if life has not
hardened her heart, it remains responsive to listen for cries for help, from an orphaned
baby to an aged parent, from war refugees to endangered wildlife. But this nurturing
instinct has downsides that make it important for a woman to have certain types of
protection around her. In order to keep her tender heart from becoming wounded or
hard, one way that a husband needs to protect his wife is through guarding her heart
and spirit.
iii. Nourishing and Cherishing Her
Ephesians 5:28-29. What does it mean for a man to ―nourish and cherish his wife?
Please review the whole passage, Ephesians 5:25-33. Note the phrases that show what
Christ did for the church and think about how that is portrayed by a husband.
You have already looked at what it means for a husband to love his wife unconditionally
and lay down his life for her (v 25). Earlier you looked at what it might mean for a
husband to wash his wife with the Word of God (v 26). Now in verses 28-29, Paul
establishes a metaphor, which helps husbands to understand how tenderly he must
care for his wife. He says that a husband must care for her as he cares for his own
body, feeding and taking care of her. As you will see, the words for feeding and caring
have much more to say than just meeting her physical needs.
The first word, ektrepo, translated ―feed, means to ―rear up to maturity. It refers not
only to feeding but also helping to develop. As you read earlier, when the Master
returns, one of the reports a husband will be asked to give Him is what he did to help his
wife develop her potential for His glory.
The second word, thalpo, translated ―takes care, literally means to ―warm like a
mother hen broods her eggs or her chicks under her wings. This goes back to the safety
and protection that we talked about in the last subtopic. But it also refers to warmth,
intimacy, and provision. Just as a mother hen works hard to provide all that is needed
for her chicks—warmth, protection, food—so a husband understands and provides what
his wife needs.
In that famous scene outside Jerusalem, Jesus says that he deeply desired to gather
the people of the city under his wings like a hen gathers chicks (Lk 13:34) The psalmist
many times says that he wants to hide in the ―shadow of God‘s wings (Ps 57:1). Paul
uses this same word in 1 Thessalonians 2:7 when he describes the tender way that he
had treated the believers at Thessalonica. So when a husband nurtures his wife, cares
for her protectively, and loves her like a mother hen, he is portraying Christ‘s tender
care for His people and fulfilling this command.
iv. With Understanding
1 Pet.3:7. ―But you SAID you wanted me to be more romantic, so I brought you
flowers. Now you are saying you STILL don‘t feel loved because they were left over
from the office party? What difference does it make? I give up! Jason stomped out of
the room, taking the flowers with him.
Men, are women confusing to you? Mysterious? Strange? As author Jeff Feldhahn
expresses it, ―Guys tend to think that women are random. We think, I pulled this lever
last week and got a certain reaction. But when I pulled that same lever this week, I got a
totally different reaction.’
Some men have adopted false views from culture or family, which say that women are
un-knowable. It is a total waste of time to even try to understand one. Do you know any
old sayings that say this? The enemy introduces this lie into cultures so that he can
weaken the unity between men and women, which can threaten his power and plans.
While men and women do think differently, it is very possible to understand your wife. In
fact, God commands it (1 Pet 3:7)! You can succeed by applying the same effort and
prayer to it that you apply to other things that are important to you.
Peter’s Command
So men, what is your reaction to these facts about women? Would you be likely to say,
at least in your heart—―women shouldn‘t be that way! Does understanding these
things help you to be able to live with your wife in an ―understanding way‖ as Peter
says?
In 1 Peter 3:7 on which this section is based, please notice the very first phrase,
―Husbands, in the same way… What ―same way‖ is this referring to? This phrase is
used in the first verse of the chapter as well, which introduces the subject of a wife
submitting to her husband. 1 Peter 3:1, ―In the same way, wives, be subject to your
own husbands‖ (emphasis added). The same as what? So we have to go back even
further.
Finally in 1 Peter 2:13, you see that the introduction of the main subject, to which both
of these ―in the same way‖ phrases refer is ―Be subject to every human institution for
the Lord‘s sake. Every instance that follows is something about ―be subject to.
Here is submission to the government, to an employer, to a husband, and ―in the same
way a husband is to understand and honor his wife. How could this be ―in the same
way when all the other instances are talking of submission? How does a husband
submit by understanding and honor?
The type of humble attitude that takes the effort to understand his wife‘s differing nature
and to honor her as Peter commands is a manly form of submission. In this case, a
husband submits to understand the complex way that God made her. He submits his
own opinions about the way a woman ―should be, to the way she actually is. If he has
a cultural prerogative and the physical ability to dominate and control her, he submits
these to God and honors her instead.
v. Showing Her Honor
1 Pet 3:7b.God said in Genesis 2:24 that a husband is to cleave to his wife. As we‘ve
pointed out before, this is not limited to sex. One of the most important things that a
man must understand about his wife is how closely he is linked to his wife‘s sense of
contentment! If a woman does not feel honored by her husband, it is very difficult for her
to feel an overall sense of well-being, even if she is trusting God. Because God has
designed the woman to cleave to her husband as the answer to his aloneness, she is
instinctively very ―tuned in‖ to his emotions and attitudes. If he is angry, she feels it
deeply, even if he is not angry directly with her. If he is anxious, she may feel anxious
too.
Because of this close emotional link and her more delicate nature, a wife can be deeply
discouraged, wounded, and/or disheartened by her husband‘s disregard. She can also
be greatly encouraged, healed, and/or strengthened by her husband‘s honor. If a wife is
behaving in a negative manner, it is often a reaction, sometimes an unconscious one, to
her husband‘s dishonor.