Firstborn
The Birth Order Effect
"The one thing you can bet your paycheck on is the
firstborn and second-born in any given family are
going to be different," says Dr. Kevin Leman, a
psychologist who has studied birth order since 1967
and author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are
the Way You Are (Revell). But how is it that a
gregarious comedian and a reclusive, introspective
thinker can be so different yet share the same
genes? Psychologists like Leman believe the secret
to sibling personality differences lies in birth order
-- whether you're a first-, middle-, last-born, or only
child -- and how parents treat their child because of
it.
Meri Wallace, a child and family therapist for over
20 years and author of Birth Order Blues (Owl
Books), agrees. "Some of it has to do with the way
the parent relates to the child in his spot, and some
of it actually happens because of the spot itself.
Each spot has unique challenges," she explains.
Birth Order + Parenting = Behavior
Simply by virtue of being a couple's first child, a
firstborn will naturally be a sort of experiment for
the new parents, a mixture of instinct and trial-and-
error. Perhaps this will cause the parents to become
by-the-book caregivers who are extremely attentive,
stringent with rules, and overly neurotic about the
minutiae. This in turn may cause the child to
become a perfectionist, always striving to please his
parents.
In contrast, if the couple decides to have a second
child, they might raise their second-born with less
of an iron first due to their experiences raising their
firstborn. They might also be less attentive to the
second-born since there's another child competing
for attention, and they probably will be less inclined
to impulsively dial 911 every time the child breaks
a sweat. This may cause the second-born to be less
of a perfectionist but more of a people-pleaser due
to the lack of attention he gets in comparison to his
older sibling.
In short, it's not necessarily the fact that a child
came out of his mother's womb first that he grew up
to be a leader who talks a blue streak. Rather, it's
the fact that his parents treated him as their firstborn
child that shaped his attitude and behavior.
As the leader of the pack, firstborns often tend to
be:
 Reliable
 Conscientious
 Structured
 Cautious
 Controlling
 Achievers
Firstborns bask in their parents' presence, which
may explain why they sometimes act like mini-
adults. Firstborns are diligent and want to be the
best at everything they do. They excel at winning
the hearts of their elders.
Firstborns as Children
Lori Kiel McGowan, a public health consultant and
mother of two boys in Cambridge, Massachusetts,
can attest to that. She describes her 6-year-old
firstborn son Kiel as a cautious boy who prefers the
company of adults or younger children compared to
that of his peers. "For his sixth birthday, we invited
six friends of his choosing," McGowan recalls. "For
maybe the first half hour to 45 minutes, he crawled
into a corner behind a booth and cried. These were
close friends from school and after-school and the
neighborhood. But after [his cautiousness waned],
he came out and had a great time." When presented
with a new situation, Kiel's cautious nature
manifested itself in temporary introversion.
However, once he became acclimated to his new
environment, his caution subsided.
Moreover, as for his behavior around his younger
brother Fionn, Kiel plays the role of the "controlling
big brother" to a T: "He alternately tries to hug him
and push him down, or gets a toy or juice for him,
and then takes something away to make him
scream," McGowan says. "It's definitely a sibling
love/hate thing."
The Grown-Up Firstborn
As firstborns grow older, their traits are not
necessarily lost. Firstborn child Tracy Rackauskas,
a 35-year-old from Denver, fully identifies herself
as an achiever. "I want to be the best dressed, in a
quirky-fashionable way; I want to have the best
fantasy football team; I want to be the best editor; I
want to be the most insightful and understanding
partner; I want to be the sexiest and the smartest and
the most interesting," Rackauskas says. "And it's
not because I'm really competitive or want to be
better than anybody else, but just because I want to
be the best." Her ambition carried over to her
studies in law school, where she studied all the time
and prepared for exams by making her own outlines
according to her specific organization system.
Perhaps in part due to her diligence, Rackauskas
graduated summa cum laude and now works as a
legal editor, making sure everything that passes
through her hands meets her standards.
Middle Child
"The middle child often feels left out and a sense of,
'Well, I'm not the oldest. I'm not the youngest. Who
am I?'" says therapist Meri Wallace. This sort of
hierarchical floundering leads middle children to
make their mark among their peers, since parental
attention is usually devoted to the beloved firstborn
or baby of the family.
In general, middle children tend to possess the
following characteristics:
 People-pleasers
 Somewhat rebellious
 Thrives on friendships
 Has large social circle
 Peacemaker
Middle Kids as Children
Holly Schrock, a 31-year-old at-home mother of
five in Newtown, Pennsylvania, describes her
second-born child Maggie as an attention-getter
with a mildly rebellious streak. "You'll say to her
'Go pick up the laundry right now' or 'Go put on
your bathing suit so we can go to the pool,' and if
she's in the middle of something, she'll look at you
bald-faced and say, 'No!'" Schrock says.
However, "middle children are the toughest to pin
down because they do play off their older sibling,"
says Dr. Leman. For instance, the sex of the child is
a big variable. If the firstborn child is a boy and the
middle child is a girl, she may possess firstborn
characteristics because though she is technically
second-born, she is also the firstborn female. As the
second-born child with an older brother, 4-year-old
Maggie also qualifies as the firstborn female in the
family, which may explain why she also possesses
the nurturing leader qualities of a firstborn child.
"Maggie likes to be a little mommy, especially to
the younger ones." Schrock says. "She picks up her
2-year-old brother and tries to tend to his needs in a
positive way. She's protective of them."
The Grown-Up Middle Child
Schrock herself is also a middle child. Sandwiched
between an older and younger sister, Schrock
exhibited the same rebellious streak that her
daughter Maggie does. "I wasn't a bad kid, but I was
definitely pushing the envelope a little," Schrock
says. In fact, at one point during her teen years,
Schrock became embroiled in an argument with her
parents that resulted in her running away for three
days. Though Schrock admits she has since calmed
down a bit, she still won't take anyone's guff. "I
don't like being told what to do, period."
Last Born
Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited
due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire
attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or
fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the
family tends to be:
 Fun-loving
 Uncomplicated
 Manipulative
 Outgoing
 Attention-seeker
 Self-centered
Lastborns as Children
Megan, an at-home mom in San Diego, says her 7-
year-old daughter Kacey loves the spotlight and will
wrestle it away from others, if need be. "Kacey
loves to go out into our backyard and put on
shows," Megan says. "One time she was out there
roller skating with her older sister, Jessica, but when
Jessica started skating in these pirouettes that Kacey
couldn't do, Kacey deliberately fell down to get our
attention."
The Grown-Up Lastborn
Lastborn child Janice Lee, now 25 years old and
working as an architect in New York City,
definitely identifies with the simplistic,
uncomplicated nature of a last-born child. "Most
girls would die if their boyfriends didn't get them
something for their birthday," she says. "But my
boyfriend and I don't exchange gifts on our
birthdays or anniversaries. We're very low-key.
We'll go out to dinner, but nothing extravagant."
Lee also has a pie-in-the-sky, "everything will work
out" worldview: "I don't need to have that much
security in my life. I like being spontaneous. I
moved to Germany from Toronto for a job last year,
and I didn't even speak the language," she says.
Only Children
Being the only child is a unique position in a
family. Without any siblings to compete with, the
only child monopolizes his parents' attention and
resources, not just for a short period of time like a
firstborn, but forever. In effect, this makes an only
child something like a "super-firstborn": only
children have the privilege (and the burden) of
having all their parents' support and expectations on
their shoulders. Thus, only children tend to be:
 Mature for their age
 Perfectionists
 Conscientious
 Diligent
 Leaders
Only Children as Kids
Just one meeting with 5-year-old Lilia, and you'll
see. "She has a sophisticated sense of humor and is
often one of the few girls her age to get a sarcastic
remark or double-meaning," says Lilia's mother
Razan Brooker, a software business owner in
Boston. "Her teachers are very surprised at her level
of understanding of adult humor." Even as a
younger child, Lilia exhibited noticeable maturity
and diligence. Like most children, Lilia sucked her
thumb. But rather than throwing a temper tantrum
when asked to break the habit, "she agreed to it and
threw away her 'blankie,' claiming that is what
makes her want to suck her thumb," Brooker says.
"She then proceeded to make a chart for herself
consisting of 30 squares for the number of days she
was told it will take her to break the habit." A
month later, Lilia was sleeping with her hands by
her side.
The Grown-Up Only Child
Even when only children reach adulthood, they may
not necessarily shed their need to be model human
beings, able to run a five-minute mile and cook a
seven-course meal without consulting a cookbook.
"I hosted a Christmas party at my apartment and
had to make sure the champagne was chilled, the
music was on, the cats were locked in the kitchen,"
says Margaret Lloyd, a 27-year-old New York
advertising associate. "Even after guests arrived, I
kept fussing with things, even though it probably
took away from some of my enjoyment that
evening."
Exceptions to Traditional Birth Order Structure
Blended Families: In the case of divorce,
remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, Dr.
Leman says, "blended families don't blend; they
collide." Firstborn children who used to be the
leader of the pack may find themselves
unceremoniously thrown off the top of the hill by an
older stepsibling, and the youngest of the family
may suddenly have to deal with all the attention
that's segued towards the new baby.
But despite a child's new position in a blended
family hierarchy, he will not tailor his existing
personality to his new position unless he is still in
infancy. Many psychologists agree that personality
develops tremendously during the first few years of
life during the bonding stages. By about age 5,
much of a child's personality has been established
(although that doesn't mean it's fixed). In this way, a
10-year-old firstborn will likely have a more
difficult time giving up his position as the eldest
than a 4-year-old might.
Families Within Families: In cases such as
with twins, you have a family within a family -- a
unit that operates independently of birth order. "A
twin will never act like a middle-born; he will
always act like a firstborn or a baby," Leman says.
Since twins are perceived as a single unit -- likely
even referred to as "the twins" -- they separate
themselves from the traditional family and revel in
their special position.
Gap Children: According to Leman, if you have a
gap of at least five years in between births, another
family begins in the birth order structure. A 2-year-
old boy with a newborn brother and an 8-year-old
older sister isn't going adopt middle-child traits, but
rather those of a firstborn.
Adoption: The same scenario occurs with adopted
kids. The age at which the child is adopted is a key
factor in which traits the child is most likely to
exhibit. The younger the child is at adoption, the
more time he will spend under the adoptive parents'
care and adopt his position in the existing family
tree. For instance, if a firstborn 1-year-old is
adopted by a family with a 4-year-old child, the
adopted child will likely fall into the role of the
baby, despite the fact that he is biologically a
firstborn child. However, if a firstborn child is 7
years old when he is adopted into a family with a
10-year-old child, the adopted child will still act
like a firstborn even though he has an older brother.
"You don't give up being a firstborn," says Leman.
"You take the birth order with you."
Peers vs. Siblings vs. Parents: Who Influences?
Recent studies suggest that siblings may be the key
players in forming a child's personality. Other
experts insist that peers have the magic touch. To
date, researchers are unable to pin down the
definitive shaper of a child's personality, but there is
one thing that remains constant in all competing
theories: Most children have a parental figure to
latch onto and learn from.
Though peers, siblings, genes, and circumstance all
indubitably play into how a child's temperament
develops, "I think the parents still are the major
influencing factors because, truthfully, the first year
of life is the bonding with the primary caretaker that
impacts upon self-confidence, trust, the ability to
interact with another person," says therapist
Wallace. Now, whether or not this primary
caretaker is actually the biological parent is
negligible, considering the increasingly changing
definition of the modern "family." Instead, it's the
experiences shared by child and parental figure that
leaves the lasting impression.
Is Personality Fixed?
Fear not, supposedly manipulative, attention-hungry
youngest children! Psychologists agree that
personality is not fixed by birth order. "You can
consciously make a choice [to change]," says
therapist Wallace, who outlines three basic steps to
becoming a new you:
o Make a connection with your behavior
and your position in the family
hierarchy. Do people always call you a
neurotic nitpicker just because you always
have to have things done just right? It may
not be your fault, Perfectionist Firstborn.
o
o Identify how you feel because of it. Your
4-year-old wants to wear a purple sweater,
blue jeans, and orange boots to school. But
trying to talk your kid out of looking like
Rainbow Brite is a futile battle, and the daily
fight in the morning leaves you exhausted.
o
o Deliberately change your behavior. No
matter how much you want to dress your
child like a cover girl (or at least not like a
mini Courtney Love), restrain yourself from
criticizing her outfit. If you think about it, it
won't kill you to let your child exercise
some choice in her wardrobe, and may even
encourage her to be more independent and
creative in the long run. Now, on the other
hand, if it's your husband who's planning on
leaving the house wearing black socks and
Tevas....
Originally published on AmericanBaby.com, August
2006.
The information on this Web site is designed for
educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a
substitute for informed medical advice or care. You
should not use this information to diagnose or treat
any health problems or illnesses without consulting
your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a
doctor with any questions or concerns you might
have regarding your or your child's condition.
 Dr. Gail Gross Become a fan
Human Behavior, Parenting, and Education Expert,
Speaker, Author. Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed.
The Achiever, the Peacemaker and the Life of
the Party: How Birth Order Affects Personality
mother image via Getty Images
You're going on a family road trip with your adult
siblings. Which of these three scenarios sounds
most like you?
1. You've been planning it for weeks, secured the
hotel rooms, made restaurant reservations, had the
car's oil changed and have a tank full of gas -- and
you've mapped out rest stops along the way.
2. You've been rushing all morning trying to get
things together, eventually throwing snacks and
clothes haphazardly into your bags at the last
minute. If you're the one driving, you hope you can
find a gas station and fill up your half-empty tank
on the road.
3. Family trip? Sounds like fun! You're just along
for the ride with no pre-planned contributions
except your entertaining funny stories and jokes.
You enjoy the snacks your older siblings have
packed in the car, and you realize you might need to
buy a weather-appropriate coat when you arrive to
your destination.
If #1 sounds familiar, you are likely the eldest child.
If the second scenario describes you well, you are
probably the middle child.
If you relate the most to the third scenario, then you
are most likely the baby of the family.
Birth Order Does Matter
Some researchers believe birth order is as important
as gender and almost as important as genetics. It
gets back to the old nurture vs. nature business. In
my experience as an educator and a researcher, I
know that no two children have the same set of
parents, even though they live in the same family.
Why? Because parents are different with each of
their children, and no two children ever take the
same role. For example, if you are the caretaking
child, then that role is taken and your sibling will
pick another role in the family, perhaps that of the
achiever.
We Are Different Parents With Each Child
As the parent, you remember your first child well:
They were the one you watched to make sure they
were breathing in their crib, the baby you breastfed
and/or sterilized bottles for and carried most of the
time. That child is the only child that will ever have
his or her parents completely to his/her self; all
other children have to share.
If you think about it, firstborn children enter a
family of adults who are proud of their every
progress and frightened by every potential injury.
The child caught in the middle is often dominated
by the firstborn, who is older, wiser and more
competent. By the time the baby arrives, parents are
usually worn down, worn out and less likely to
micro-manage. By now, you know your baby is not
going break, and therefore, you can be more flexible
in both attention and discipline. As a result, your
baby learns early on to seduce and entertain.
The Achiever, The Peacemaker, and The Life of
The Party
While the eldest child is programmed for excellence
and achievement, the middle child is raised to be
understanding and conciliatory and the baby seeks
attention. As a result, birth order is a powerful
variable in the unfolding of your personality.
The Firstborn Child: The Achiever
The eldest child will probably have more in
common with other firstborns than their own
brothers and sisters. Because they have had so much
control and attention from their first-time parents,
they are over-responsible, reliable, well-behaved,
careful and smaller versions of their own parents.
If you are a firstborn, you are probably a high
achiever who seeks approval, dominates and is that
perfectionist who uses up all of the oxygen in the
room. You can be found in a leadership career such
as law, medicine or as a CEO. As a mini-parent,
you try to dominate your sibs. The problem is that
when baby number two arrives, you will also
experience a sense of loss. By losing your seat on
the familial throne, you also lose the special place
that singularity holds. All of the attention that was
exclusively yours must now be shared by you and
your sibling.
The Middle Child: The Peacemaker
If you are a middle child, you are probably
understanding, cooperative and flexible, yet
competitive. You are concerned with fairness. In
fact, as a middle child, you are likely to pick an
intimate circle of friends to represent your extended
family. It is here that you will find the attention
likely lacking in your family of origin. As a middle
child, you receive the least amount of attention from
family and as a result, this family of your choice is
your compensation. As a middle child, you're in
very good company with notable U.S. Presidents
and celebrities such as Abraham Lincoln, John F.
Kennedy, Winston Churchill, Bill Gates, Donald
Trump and Steve Forbes. Though often a late
bloomer, you find yourself in power careers that
allows you to use your negotiating skills... and get
that all too-needed attention.
You and your older sibling will never excel at the
same thing. The personality trait that defines you as
a middle child will be opposite of that of your eldest
and youngest sibling. But those wonderful social
skills that you have learned as the middle child --
negotiating and navigating within your family
structure -- can prepare you for an entrepreneurial
role on a large scene.
The Youngest Child: The Life of the Party
If you're the baby, your parents are already
confident in their role as caregiver, and therefore
are more lenient and don't necessarily pay attention
to your every move or milestone as they did with
your older siblings. Thus, you've learned how to
seduce the crowd with charm and likability.
As the youngest child, you have more freedom than
the other siblings and, in a sense, are more
independent. As the youngest child, you also have a
lot in common with your oldest sibling, as both of
you have been made to feel special and entitled.
Your range of influence extends throughout your
family, which supports you both emotionally and
physically. Hence, you experience a sense of place
and security.
It probably won't surprise you to note that youngest
children often find careers in the entertainment
business as actors, comedians, writers, directors and
so on. They also make good doctors and teachers.
Because your parents were more laid back and
lenient, you expect freedom to follow your own
path in a creative style. And as the baby of the
family, you've had less responsibility, and therefore
don't attract responsible experiences.
The Lone Wolf: The Only Child
If you're an only child, you grow up surrounded by
adults, and therefore are more verbal and often
more mature. This allows for gains in intelligence
that exceed other birth order differences. Having
spent so much time alone, you are resourceful,
creative and confident in your independence. If
you're an only child, you actually have a lot in
common with those who are first borns, as well as
those who are the youngest in their families.
Parents: Know Your Child
In the final analysis, for parents, it is important to
know your child. Even more important than birth
order is creating an environment that is positive,
safe, healthy and stimulating. By understanding
your particular child's personality and temperament,
you can organize their environment to bring them
toward their fullest potential. For example,
understanding that a first-born child feels highly
responsible allows you to lighten their load and
recognizing that the baby of the family is
experiencing a more lenient environment can help
you be more diligent in your discipline.
Children need to be allowed to find their destiny,
whatever their role in the family may be, and as a
parent, your most important job is to support their
individual journey.
Follow Dr. Gail Gross on
Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrGailGross
Birth order: character traits of
oldest children
Reviewed by Raquel Anderson, EdD, LMHC, NCC,
Behavioral Health Specialist
TAKEAWAYS
 Famous eldest children include Winston
Churchill and Oprah Winfrey.
 Firstborn children can be responsible,
organized, and ambitious.
 Oldest children are usually mature, self-
disciplined, and leaders.
 Every family circumstance is different, so be
careful about assigning too much weight to birth
order.
If it sometimes seems like older children were born
bossy, consider some of history’s most famous
eldest children: Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton,
George W. Bush, and Winston Churchill.
In fact, some of the stereotypes regarding first-born
children have a grain of truth to them—they can be
responsible, organized, and ambitious. They can
also be famous type-A personalities.
Of course, every family is different and everything
from a death in the family to a large age gap
between the firstborn and younger children, divorce,
blended families, gender, size and several other
things can affect a child’s personality more than
birth order, but psychologists have been studying
birth order long enough to know that it does
actually effect the way a person turns out. Same
with the middle childand the youngest child. So
while it’s impossible to make too many
generalizations, studies have shown that oldest
children are often:
 Assertive or dominant
 Respectful of authority
 Good students
 Motivated
 Leaders
 Fearful in new situations
 Mature
 Dependent on others for approval
 Self-disciplined
 Confident
Birth order: the misunderstood
middle child
Reviewed by Raquel Anderson, EdD, LMHC, NCC,
Behavioral Health Specialist
TAKEAWAYS
 Martin Luther King Jr., Madonna, and Princess
Diana were all middle children.
 Despite pop culture’s depiction, middle children
are not very needy.
 Middle children are less likely to act out or
misbehave and are relatively cooperative.
 Although they are independent, middle children
sometimes feel like they don’t belong.
The ranks of middle children include some famous
names: Martin Luther King Jr., David Letterman,
Madonna, and Princess Diana, to name a few. This
might come as a surprise if you’re used to thinking
of middle children as permanently stuck between
their responsible older siblings and rebellious and
beloved younger siblings, but then you might also
be surprised what the research shows about middle
children.
Of course every child and family is different, but
that hasn’t stopped psychologists from studying
sibling relationships and birth order and finding
common characteristics among children, depending
on when they were born. In general, middle children
are not nearly as needy as popular culture depicts.
Instead, they are social people and good at
diplomacy, but they are also competitive and form
strong friendships.
Other traits common to middle children include:
 Less family oriented than their siblings and
sometimes feel like they don’t belong
 Less likely to act out or misbehave attention from their parents (is that a good thing or
 Team players bad thing?).
 Good at relating to people who are older and
Of course, every family is different and everything
younger than them
from a death in the family to a large age gap
 Peer-oriented
between the oldest and youngest child (and those in
 Independent of the family
between), divorce, remarriage, adoption, gender,
 Cooperative
size, and many other factors can affect a child’s
personality more than birth order. Yet these are
traits that researchers commonly find in youngest
children:
 Charming
 Affectionate
Birth order: character traits of  Immature
 More agreeable
youngest children  Rebellious
 Empathetic
Reviewed by Raquel Anderson, EdD, LMHC, NCC,  Artistic
Behavioral Health Specialist  Persistent
 Popular
TAKEAWAYS  Social
 Famous youngest children include Jim Carrey  Confident
and Cameron Diaz.  Attention-loving
 Youngest children might be shaped by less  Impatient
intensive focus from their parents.  Manipulative
 Youngest-child traits include being charming,
affectionate, immature, rebellious, artistic, and
others.
 All families are different, so while these traits
are associated with youngest children, it's
impossible to generalize.

What do Billy Crystal, Jim Carrey, Katie Couric,

and Cameron Diaz all have in common? Obviously
they’re all celebrities—but they’re also all the
youngest children in their families.
When it comes to family order, youngest children
sometimes come out the lucky ones. While their
baby books might not be completely filled out
(Mom and Dad were probably too busy and/or
exhausted to record every lost tooth and every new
word by the time the youngest child showed up),
research has shown that youngest children
frequently develop some very positive character
traits, along with more challenging ones.
Why is this? Researchers don’t know exactly—
there are more than 2,000 studies on birth order in
the National Institutes of Health database. But some
speculate that youngest children are partly shaped
by reduced one-on-one time and less intensive