WEEK 3 – BUILDING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Matthew 5:37 Jesus says:

37 
let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more
than these is from the evil one.

Sadly Many people struggle with APPROVAL ADDICTION

 Never able to SAY NO to anyone

They often have NO BOUNDARIES in their relationships

In a heated moment Jesus said to “Turn the other cheek…”

 To avoid FIGHTS, ARGUMENTS and to not take REVENGE

But if a person is continually

 Rude
 Abusive
 Taking advantage
 It’s time to set some Boundaries

We all understand Boundary Lines

Boundaries separate:
 Countries, States
 One house from another
o Mow
Personal boundaries define who we are:

This is me…..what I value:

 Believe
 How I feel
 What I need
 Do and don’t do

READ:

Boundaries keep us from trying to control others and boundaries

stop others from controlling us. Boundaries define how much
access someone will have to me. Boundaries define what I’m
responsible for and what I’m not responsible for. Boundaries are like
fences to keep the good in and the bad out.

Our lives hopefully look a little like this:

The people we allow access to our life

 Defined boundaries
 Not unlimited access
 Plenty of space for me to grow and progress
LIFE WITHOUT BOUNDARIES
Life without boundaries:

Everyone has moved in

 Less and less space for me
 I’M OVER COMMITED
 Now pursuing my Dreams & Visions

For many people life sadly looks like this:

Work takes over

 No time for church
 No time for a healthy self
 Family and kids just get the left overs

IN FACT, ANY AREA CAN GET OUT OF BALANCE

 When we are approval addicts unable to say to NO
BUT WE ARE ALSO OFTEN UNABLE TO SAY NO TO OURSELVES!

And an extreme scenario could look like this:

ADDICTION

It’s interesting that as a pastor / chaplain / counsellor

Nearly every problem people come and see me about

 is a BOUNDARY PROBLEM

 Relationship Problems
 Marriage Problems
 Work Problems
 Addiction Problems
 Money Problems

When we talk about boundaries

Not just about IMPOSING OUR NEEDS on others

It’s having the SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE to recognise their

boundaries as well

FOR EACH OF US NOT TO CROSS LINES…. Boundary lines

In relationships with others we ask ourselves BOUNDARY
QUESTIONS:
Am I talking too much?
 Is there too much food on my plate?
 Is it too late?
 Am I being rude?
 Too familiar?

AND In our own personal world the BOUNDARY QUESTIONS are:

Am I spending too much

 Drinking too much
 Eating too much
 Am I neglecting my health
 Am I neglecting relationships

HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

ALL THE TIME
 Michael Jordan
 Roger Federer
 Ash Barty

Simple boundaries can keep you safe

Particularly if you have an addictive personality

 Jane can by a block of Chocolate…
 “Is there any chocolate in the house”
Why do so many of us struggle with setting boundaries?

#1 - If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish and Unloving

Yes we are to love others

But loving others does not mean we allow them to continually:
 Hurt us / Take advantage / Take us to places

BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT SAYIN NO TO PEOPLE AND PLACES:

1. No I’m:
 Not going…………… But why?
 Not sleeping
 Not having another

2. I’m sorry but:

 Can’t lend you….
 Mind your….

3. “NO’ can be:

 Not arguing
 Walking away
 Calling the police
 Getting legal advice
 Going home when everyone..
 Missing out

‘YES’ IS ALSO A BOUNDARY

 1. ‘Yes’ I will
 Get up an hour early and…
 Save $
 Be at church every week

2. ‘Shaun – how did you grow as a Christian”

 I SET BOUNDARIES
o ‘Yes’ I’m going to serve at every opportunity…
o ‘Yes’ I’m going to do every available course….

# 2 – If I set Boundaries, I Fear Upsetting Other People

Is it possible that others will become upset?

 Absolutely

Boundaries are a "test" for the quality of our relationships

 The people who really love you will respect your boundaries
 The people who turn on you or leave you never loved you

BAND

#3 – If I set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others

Appropriate boundaries don’t control or hurt others

All it’s doing is saying “This is me……”

  “This is what I am going to do……”

Jesus himself set boundaries repeatedly

 He separated Himself from people when He needed to be alone

Jesus told people “no”

 He said “no” to the rich young ruler
 He said “no” to people who were following Him just for free
meals
 He sent people with no faith out of the room
 He said “no” to those who wanted a miraculous sign in order to
believe

ALTER CALL:
God gives each of us
 freedom to choose to live within His boundaries
 or outside of them

Living within God’s boundaries brings blessing

 living outside of them brings destruction

SIN = TRESPASS