I hardened my face just enough to not overtly dampen her enthusiasm.

“That seems like a lot of work…”

“I mean, we’ll start off with activities that won’t be boring with just the two of us. You don’t
have to do anything that makes you unhappy. We can leave the range of activities pretty wide
open, though. Oh, we’ll have to make sure we stick to our principles, so we don’t just seem like
some weird adults.”
Her vision was expanding outward infinitely with no destination in sight, and I had a front row
seat.
“Um, a mission statement such as…?”
“Becoming our ideal selves within four years.”
“Ah.”
She really is chock-full of embarrassing quips, I thought. I felt such strong secondhand
embarrassment that I nearly let out an awkward laugh myself but did not. I still had my
principles.
That said, I got the feeling I was about to be swept up into some strange organization just
because I sympathized with my hypothetical friend’s sorrows. So I asked a question that was
somewhat belittling, with a nuance that suggested it wasn’t.
“You know, I always have to wonder how it is that you can live your life thinking about such
overambitious ideas.” What I hoped to imply was that I was not capable of the same, so I would
not be participating.
“It’s not overambitious, it’s what’s inside my heart! But, I mean, trying to become the person
that you want to be is something that everyone thinks about, right?”
Not really.
Obviously, you had to think about what you were going to do after college. I, at the very least,
did not spend my days pondering my ideal self the way Akiyoshi seemed to.
“Hm, I mean, I’m not really that much of a positive thinker.”
“Is that being positive? Honestly, if I had to put a label on it, I’d say that seeing your current self
in a less favorable light is more like negative thinking. If I was to become the sort of adult that I
never wanted to be, some sort of authoritarian people pleaser who always cared about what
other people thought, I’d rather be dead.”
As her so-called friend, it occurred to me that things would be a lot easier for Akiyoshi if she
were to become that sort of person.
“Also, I guess that becoming your ideal self might be overambitious if you imagined yourself as
an ally of justice or something silly like that. But much smaller dreams are just as valid. Like
living by a personal code!”
“A personal code?”
“Yeah. The sort of thing that you can never discard. It’s that important. You must have at least
one principle like that.”
I closed my mouth and averted my eyes, to evade her steadfast gaze.
A personal code.
The philosophies by which I lived my life were something deeply engrained within me.
However, I was unsure if that was something safe to voice. The only thing that gave me push
was the simple fact that I realized that all I’d lose here by facing her criticism was the time spent
listening to her lectures. So, I decided to try telling her about my personal code.
“I’m not sure it counts as my personal code, but I always try to be careful not to get too close to
others or to directly contradict anyone’s opinions, I guess. As long as I do that, it reduces the
chances of me hurting others, and as a side effect, protects me as well.”
I remember Akiyoshi’s face clearly after she heard this short and dry little spiel of mine. Her
eyes were wide open, her mouth tightly shut. I was certain that this philosophy was one that
Akiyoshi, who always loudly voiced her opinions in the pursuit of becoming the person she
wanted to be, could never agree with. It was only natural that she would be lost for words, I
was sure.
However, instead she said, “Wow, that’s really nice of you.” Her eyes were still open wide.
“That means that you don’t want to hurt anyone, right? I had no idea you thought about stuff
like that. Like, what the heck? You’re a really nice guy, Kaede.”
“I don’t really think that’s nice, per se.”
“No, it’s super nice! Wow… Honestly, that’s an amazing way of thinking.” She nodded profusely,
huffing through her nose.
Not once had anyone ever affirmed me in that way. Again, she looked at me with those eyes of
hers. Whenever she did that, I could not dismiss her opinion. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I
suddenly realized that somewhere, in some corner of my heart, some small amount of kindness
might actually exist in there.
“C’mon, you have to do this with me.” Her gaze burned brighter.
“…I really hate standing out, though.”
“Well then, in secret. If it’ll get you to agree to it. It can be a secret society.”
“A secret society?” I uttered reflexively, hearing this childish proposal come flying out of her
mouth.
As though this in fact embarrassed Akiyoshi as well, she averted her eyes, waving her hands in
front of her face with a, “Well, something like that…” I couldn’t help but smile at seeing her so
uncharacteristically flustered.
“Well, I’ll think about it.”