200 Love Lesson Movies

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LOVE
200 LESSONS
from the
MOVIES
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Also by Leslie Halpern
Reel Romance: The Lovers’ Guide to the 100 Best Date Movies
www.Ebook777.com
LOVE
200
S ta y i n g
LESSONS
MOVIES
M O O N ST R UCK fo r L ife
from the
LESLIE C. HALPERN
TAYLOR TRADE PUBLISHING

Lanham • Boulder • New York • London
www.Ebook777.com
TAYLOR TRADE PUBLISHING
An imprint of Rowman & Littlefield
Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK
Copyright © 2016 Leslie C. Halpern
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission
from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Halpern, Leslie, 1960- author.

Title: 200 love lessons from the movies : staying moonstruck for life /
Leslie C. Halpern.
Other titles: Two hundred love lessons from the movies
Description: Lanham : Taylor Trade Publishing, [2016] | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016005393 (print) | LCCN 2016006979 (ebook) | ISBN
9781630761370 (paperback) | ISBN 9781630761387 (e-book)
Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationships in motion pictures. | Love in motion
pictures. | BISAC: PERFORMING ARTS / Film & Video / General. | PERFORMING
ARTS / Film & Video / Reference.
Classification: LCC PN1995.9.M27 H35 2016 (print) | LCC PN1995.9.M27 (ebook)
| DDC 791.43/6543—dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016005393
The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National
Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/
NISO Z39.48-1992.
This book is dedicated to all the men with whom I’ve had platonic and
romantic relationships. Regardless of how things ended or the current status
of our ongoing friendship, I appreciate your insights into the male/female
dynamic. As painful as some of these personal love lessons may have been
to acquire, I remain grateful for the experience.
That’s part of your problem, you know: You haven’t seen enough mov-
ies. All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
—Davis (Steve Martin) in Grand Canyon (1991)
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi
Chapter One: Meeting Cute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Chapter Two: Dating Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Chapter Three: Giving Gifts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Chapter Four: Date Nights . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Chapter Five: The Look of Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Chapter Seven: Old Flames . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122
Chapter Eight: Emotional Baggage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140
Chapter Nine: Breakups and Makeups . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160
Chapter Ten: Sweet Temptations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
Chapter Twelve: Wedding Planning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251
Filmography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253
Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 269
About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271
vii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many thanks to my literary agent, Linda Konner, for her sup-

port over the years and to Rick Rinehart, director of editorial acquisitions
at Taylor Trade Publishing, for allowing me to write another roman-
tic-themed movie book as a follow-up to my earlier Reel Romance: The
Lovers’ Guide to the 100 Best Date Movies. I’m grateful to the Florida
Film Festival, Enzian Theater, and Allied-THA for inviting me to press
events and promotional screenings. In addition, I appreciate the patience
and cooperation of Oral Nussbaum, who served as beta reader and sat
through many of the movies with me.
ix
INTRODUCTION
Every movie has a lesson. The best movies have more than one.
Even poorly made movies have a lesson: Don’t watch another film by this
director! The focus of this book is accessible and adaptable love lessons
from the movies, specifically takeaway concepts relating to romance, love,
and lust that readers can use in their own dating or established roman-
tic relationships. The twelve chapters begin with Meeting Cute and go
through Wedding Planning, so those still searching for a mate and those
who are blissfully happy and tremendously experienced in a relationship
can learn something from 200 Love Lessons from the Movies.
Wherever you are in the dating relationship cycle, you’ll find that
movies reveal how to get the love you want or keep love you’ve already
found. This book shines a cinematic spotlight on what’s really import-
ant in on-screen and off-screen romances: emotional, intellectual, and
physical connection. Although readers in long-term and committed rela-
tionships can benefit from these general love lessons, the selected movies
portray dating, engaged couples, and newly wedded couples.
WHY YOU NEED THIS BOOK

Have you ever had your heart broken? One popular theory says we keep
getting hurt because we set our romantic expectations too high. This
delusion begins in childhood with unrealistic fairy tales and then launches
into the teenage years with bodice-ripping romances and skin magazines.
According to this same theory, during our lifetimes we’re bombarded with
cinematic images of idealized beauty and deceptive representations of
romantic love. These unreasonable expectations for physical attractiveness
xi
Introduction
and passionate consummation lead us to a sad state of affairs: permanent

singledom, serial monogamy, and climbing divorce rates.
But do idealized representations in romantic movies really cause us
to abandon all logic and leap blindly off numerous emotional cliffs? If
so, we have to deny all personal responsibility for our bad choices and lay
full blame on the media for telling us how to think, feel, and behave. We
can fault these romantic movies (not to mention the lusty romance novels
and idealized fairy tales) for filling our heads with unrealistic romantic
expectations, or we could look at romantic movies in an entirely different
way—as inexpensive, painless, two-dimensional lessons on love.
I don’t agree with media analysts who say Hollywood attempts to
brainwash audiences with false notions regarding romance, love, and
sex. I believe couples (and singles) can obtain valuable lessons on love by
watching romantic films and discussing them. This book serves as a guide
for which movies to watch, emphasizes what lessons to think about, and
offers meaningful questions for discussion.
THE INSPIRATION FOR 200 LOVE LESSONS FROM THE MOVIES

One of my previous books, Reel Romance: The Lovers’ Guide to the 100
Best Date Movies (Taylor Trade Publishing, 2004), groups romantic films
thematically. Reel Romance is a reverent tribute to one hundred great
date movies, working under the premise that watching romantic movies
together stimulates loving feelings between men and women. The book
has several different features, including romantic suggestions inspired by
movies that lovers can try at home.
This became such a popular feature with readers and reviewers that
I wrote many related articles about love lessons from the movies and led
workshops on the subject. The enthusiastic response inspired me to write
this book to expound on the idea of using movie themes, characters, dia-
logue, and scenes to learn valuable love lessons.
A kernel of truth exists within all these fictional stories, so that even
mediocre films can provide spectacular insights. 200 Love Lessons from the
Movies shares valuable love lessons for your entertainment and education.
Rather than being just a guide to romantic movies or a compilation of
reviews, this book offers a playful and informative guided tour through
xii
Introduction
romance using many movies from different genres as the vehicle. The ease
of renting, buying, and downloading movies for home viewing makes
this book a fun source of knowledge and entertainment for those seeking
practical solutions to romantic dilemmas.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

Although the film synopses for each lesson may look like movie reviews,
they’re not. They read more like skewed reviews that explain how the love
lesson is taught using relevant details from the movie. I did not include
major and minor characters who don’t relate to the love lesson, irrelevant
plot points, and even iconic scenes not important to the selected theme.
The Internet is filled with traditional movie reviews of the films; if you
want reviewer opinions and plot summaries, they’re easy to find online.
Now let’s talk about spoilers. Normally when I review movies, I make
a dedicated effort not to reveal the secrets hidden within the script—
those clever lines not revealed in the romantic-comedy trailers, the plot
twists in adventure films, or the murderer in suspense dramas—so fresh
viewers can enjoy their “aha” moments. Analyzing movies for love lessons
takes an entirely different approach. My goal is neither to reveal the mov-
ie’s hidden secrets nor to hide them. I focus entirely on the love lessons
embedded in the story, which sometimes require that I share a few less-
er-known details about the movies. Not all the selections are romantic
comedies, but many of them come from that genre. Although the love
lessons are unlimited, the film plots from romances tend to be formulaic,
so revealing that one or both seemingly opposite characters change phys-
ically or emotionally to ensure a happy ending isn’t exactly compromising
a movie’s integrity or giving too much away.
Each of the twelve chapters begins with an introduction, followed by
related lessons that include a short film synopsis about the lesson in the
film or a photograph with an abbreviated Love Lesson, suggestions for
applying the lesson to your own life, and a Love Language question or
assignment for discussion or consideration. Some of the movies have more
than one important message applicable to a love lesson that are worthy
of sharing in this book. When a movie has two Love Lessons, a cross-
reference will guide you to photographs and additional information.
xiii
Introduction
To limit my selection of Love Lessons to two hundred, I had to

establish some criteria for narrowing my focus. Most of the films, except
for a few older favorites, are from recent years, so it’s more likely you
will have seen them (or can find them if you haven’t). These films don’t
necessarily represent the best movies from that genre; they represent the
best love lessons that fit into my twelve chosen themes.
A FEW WORDS OF CAUTION

Most of the ideas described in the Love Lessons are not new. I borrowed
from the great teachers of psychology, philosophy, religion, art, metaphys-
ics, and even a little from today’s pop culture. I’m merely an interpreter,
analyzer, synthesizer, and dot connector. The actual lessons range from
the subtle to the obvious, and sometimes come directly from lines in the
movie, song titles, or quotations from public figures. Other times, I wrote
the Love Lessons myself based on how the films affected me.
The Love Language exercises in this book are meant to help healthy
relationships get even healthier. Speaking honestly about feelings and
past experiences will threaten some people. If you think your partner
isn’t ready for this kind of honesty, try the exercises with a close friend or
relative instead. You can also do them alone by writing your thoughts in
a private journal.
I am not a licensed mental health counselor and have no authoriza-
tion to diagnose or treat any form of mental illness or identify abusive
behavior. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, you need
more help than this book can provide. Consult a licensed mental health
professional, member of the clergy, or an agency designed specifically for
that purpose.
ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT THE BOOK

Although I strive for accuracy and consistency, some movies refer to
characters by their full names, others by first name only, and even by last
names, nicknames, or multiple names. In each case, I made a judgment call,
choosing what I hope is the most relevant character reference. I watched
every film (often several times) and obtained additional information about
the actors, stories, and productions through the Internet Movie Database
xiv
Introduction
(www.imdb.com), from production notes provided to me by movie studio

representatives, and from books that inspired the movies.
As this is art rather than science, character names and other details
(such as actors getting married and changing their names) may appear as
inconsistencies. I often quote dialogue from the movies to make specific
points using the character’s own words. Sometimes my research involved
using the scripted dialogue, sometimes the trailer dialogue, and some-
times the dialogue spoken in the actual movie, depending upon the age
of the film and what was available to me at the time. There can be slight
differences in all three versions, as actors don’t always stick to the script
and may alter the dialogue in different takes.
I hope you enjoy reading these lessons and feel as inspired by the
movies as I do.
Leslie C. Halpern
February 24, 2016
xv
Chapter One
MEETING CUTE
The obligatory “meet cute” scene in a romantic comedy can be

as subjective as love itself. One person may rescue the other from a dan-
gerous situation. Or perhaps they meet while one or both are conducting
business, and need to put their attraction on hold until later. Sometimes
the first meeting causes embarrassment when one or both of them are at
their worst, at their (impossible to duplicate) best, with their guard down
. . . or with their pants around their ankles. Maybe two people have known
each other for years, but only now can see each other clearly for the first
time. There’s also the overused contrivance of forced initial intimacy by
meeting on an airplane, train, or other mode of public transportation.
The problem is that one person’s idea of cute may be another person’s
definition of rude, obnoxious, cloying, repulsive, never-want-to-see-this-
person-again-in-my-entire-life behavior.
However, we can all agree on one thing about first meetings in
romantic movies: They must be memorable. Without some kind of deep
psychological stirring, an inkling that this new person can give you all the
love you never received as a child and heal all your emotional wounds,
there’s no reason to believe the two people will pursue a relationship
together beyond a mutual attraction that lands them in bed for one night.
The following movies contain memorable first encounters, which
may or may not be “cute” depending upon your personal preferences.
Looking at the big (motion) picture, you’ll find love lessons from break-
ups, makeups, take-outs, make-outs, all resulting from first meetings.
1
200 Love Lessons from the Movies
LOVE LESSON 1: FINE-TUNE YOUR FREQUENCY TO A HIGHER LEVEL.

The Wedding Planner (2001)
Director: Adam Shankman
Stars: Jennifer Lopez, Matthew McConaughey
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Career-oriented, obsessive-compulsive Mary (Lopez) doesn’t feel any-

thing about love anymore. Once a sweet young girl who planned perfect
Barbie and Ken weddings outside their dollhouse, she grew up to be the
ultimate wedding planner. She’s gotten so accustomed to lying to ready-
to-bolt-at-the-last-minute brides and manipulating members of the
wedding party that the whole affair has become routine. Even worse, her
own wedding had to be canceled when her former fiancé cheated on her
right before the big event.
Flash forward to the present day, and she clumsily gets the heel of
her shoe stuck in a manhole cover, just as a runaway Dumpster veers
toward her at a dangerous speed down the hilly street. As she struggles to
release the expensive shoe, a handsome pediatrician tackles her to safety
and lands directly on top of her. After saving her life and her shoe, Doc-
tor Steve (McConaughey) takes Mary to the children’s hospital where he
works to make sure she has no internal injuries. Their chemistry is unde-
niable, and their chance meeting turns into a date that night watching an
old movie in the park. When Steve turns out to be the fiancé of one of
Mary’s clients, she is devastated. Based on her previous experience, Mary
laments, “I’m a magnet for unavailable men, and I’m sick of it.”
The Lesson: Having essentially given up on love because of her cheat-
ing ex-boyfriend, and reduced weddings to an exact science because of
her job, Mary emits low-level love vibrations—or said another way, bad
energy. Because she’s not fully available emotionally (afraid to get hurt
again), and not fully available physically (she’s a workaholic with no time
to meet her neighbors or socialize with friends), she is just as unavailable
as the men she attracts. In fact, that’s why she attracts them—they are
tuned to the same frequency.
Love Language: Think about your job, friends, and hobbies to help
you decide at which frequency level you transmit: high energy, low
2
Meeting Cute
energy, or somewhere in between. Couples with comparable frequencies

have a better chance of staying together and attracting similar experi-
ences to their lives that cement the relationship. If you and your partner
don’t match frequencies, can one of you raise your vibration to become a
better match with the other?
LOVE LESSON 2: IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR LOVE.

Last Chance Harvey (2008)
Director: Joel Hopkins
Stars: Dustin Hoffman, Emma Thompson
Genre: Romantic Drama
Divorced and near retirement age, Harvey (Hoffman) leaves New York
City for London to attend his daughter’s wedding. An advertising jingle
writer, he received an ultimatum from his boss to write a great jingle to
win an account or he’ll be fired. Under this pressure, along with the dread
of seeing his ex-wife and her handsome new husband, Harvey arrives
at the London airport where Kate (Thompson), a female survey taker,
presses him to answer questions. He responds rudely and later meets her
again by accident at the bar.
This second conversation goes much better than the first one. In her
late forties and bored with her job, Kate lives a lonely existence caring
for her fragile mother and goes on uncomfortable blind dates set up by
her work friends. She teeters on the brink of unhappiness. When this tall,
stiff-upper-lipped Brit encounters the short, gregarious American jingle
writer many years her senior, no one (except the movie’s screenwriter)
would predict these two would eventually become a couple.
The Lesson: Although both of them had nearly given up on love
(and life in general), every waking moment provides another chance for
them—and us—to find happiness. Harvey and Kate could have ignored
the romantic possibilities between them because of the differences in their
ages, heights, personalities, and cultural backgrounds. Yet, despite these
obstacles they both gave each other a second chance. While it’s true “You
never get a second chance to make a first impression,” you get countless
chances to find love every minute of every day.
3
Love Language: Has your current relationship helped you heal from
the emotional wounds of a previous relationship? If so, how?
LOVE LESSON 3: YOUR THOUGHTS CREATE YOUR REALITY.

Ruby Sparks (2012)
Directors: Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris
Stars: Paul Dano, Zoe Kazan
As a young man, Calvin (Dano) wrote the great American novel, which
should have launched a lifetime of literary fame and fortune. Now, years
later, he struggles with writer’s block trying to create a second work
equal to the first. Lonely since his former girlfriend dumped him for his
self-centeredness, he dreams nightly of a quirky red-haired manic pixie
named Ruby Sparks (Kazan). When his therapist suggests he write a
story to jump-start his career, Calvin begins writing a novel about the
intriguing woman in his dreams.
To his amazement, Ruby materializes in his home with knowledge
of their dreamed relationship, which she perceives as reality. He met her
while asleep, and then meets her again while awake. This first real-life
meeting frightens Calvin, causing him to doubt his sanity. Thus begins
his romance with a ready-made woman created with the memories,
personality traits, and physical features designed by his imagination. As
Ruby becomes more real, she becomes less his creation and more her
own person, which he finds threatening on several levels. Losing control
of his creation serves as a poignant reminder that other parts of his life
are out of control, too. But if Calvin created his reality once, why can’t
he do it again?
The Lesson: Calvin’s attention to detail and obsessive-compulsive
tendencies literally created the woman of his dreams. Without such spec-
ificity, he might have dreamed of Goldie Sparks one night and Ginger
Sparks the next. Or perhaps he might have met a woman—just a random
female with no sparks between them whatsoever. True, he had a little
“cinemagic” helping him, but if you want to manifest your perfect lover,
job, or other life situation, try compiling a list of necessary traits so you
4
Meeting Cute
can recognize them when they appear. Be warned: Thoughts becoming

beliefs becoming actions becoming reality is not the same thing as magi-
cal thinking (see Love Lesson 84 in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry), which
can cause a significant amount of disappointment.
Love Language: If you’re already in a loving relationship, write down
your three favorite traits about each other (one physical, one intellec-
tual, and one spiritual) and then discuss why they are so important to
each of you.
LOVE LESSON 4: DON’T LET GOSSIP INFLUENCE YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION

OF SOMEONE.
Words and Pictures (2013)
Director: Fred Schepisi
Stars: Clive Owen, Juliette Binoche
Genre: Romantic Comedy/Drama
The teacher’s lounge at Croyden Prep School is buzzing with rumors

about the newly hired honors program art teacher, Dina Delsanto
(Binoche). Does her artwork deserve the acclaim it’s received over the
years? How disabled has she become from rheumatoid arthritis? Is she
so hot-tempered that she actually beat someone with her cane? Is her
nickname, “The Icicle,” just a joke or a valid description of her? What was
originally idle curiosity becomes more of an obsession to know the truth
when honors English teacher Jack Marcus (Owen) finally meets Dina in
person. She literally depends on a crutch for support, and his metaphoric
crutches of alcoholism and literary laziness present obstacles at first.
Once Jack gets past his preemptive reaction based on hearsay, it’s
apparent that Dina’s quick wit and beautiful face intrigue the washed-up
poet and provide the romantic inspiration that might revive his writing
career as well as his stagnant love life. Likewise, she needs to feel attrac-
tive and desired despite her disability. Through a competitive program
they develop for their students—pitting words against pictures—they
help unite students, the arts, and themselves.
The Lesson: Had Jack allowed gossip to shape his thinking, he may
not have pursued a romantic relationship with Dina. By seeing past the
5
rumors, her unfortunate nickname, and her handicap, he finds exactly

what he needs at this point in his life. (For another lesson from Words
and Pictures, see Love Lesson 169 in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.)
Love Language: Jack challenges Dina to a word challenge in which
he says a five-syllable word that starts with “A” to which she must answer
with a five-syllable word that starts with “B,” and so forth through the
alphabet until one of them can’t think of an appropriate word and loses
the game. Whether it’s an established board game or made-up word
game, create special ways to play with your partner.
LOVE LESSON 5: YOU HAVE TO LOOK BENEATH THE SURFACE IF YOU WANT
TO FIND DEPTH.
Coming to America (1988)
Director: John Landis
Stars: Eddie Murphy, Shari Headley
The highly eligible Prince Akeem of Zamunda (Murphy) travels to

Queens, New York, to find a bride rather than submitting to the cus-
tomary arranged marriage in his culture. After speed-dating at a bar, he
attends a Black Awareness Rally where beautiful women parade on stage
in colorful bikinis. Searching for a woman of substance, Akeem notices
Lisa (Headley), a lovely young woman who speaks at the rally but doesn’t
compete in the beauty pageant.
Although he prefers the fully clothed and highly intelligent Lisa
over the other women in attendance, Akeem doesn’t allow her the same
opportunity to see him at his best. He poses as a poor African student
who applies for a job at her father’s fast-food restaurant. Hiding his true
identity to ensure Lisa doesn’t fall in love with his money and power,
Akeem meets her face-to-face for the first time with a filthy mop in hand
as he cleans her office floor. This deceptive first meeting puts a false bar-
rier between them. Later when Lisa learns he’s a prince, she’s justifiably
angry at his dishonesty. Her ability to see beneath the surface—when she
thought he was poor, and then again when she learns he lied to her—
makes the relationship a real possibility.
6
Meeting Cute
The Lesson: Lisa’s authenticity attracted Akeem the first time he saw
her, yet he compounded the challenge of courting her with layers of lies.
Make it easy for people to see beneath your surface by being completely
authentic from the moment you meet. Clear up misperceptions or mis-
representations as soon as possible so you have a loving relationship built
on trust.
Love Language: Create a safe space where you agree to hear each other
without judgment. In this space, identify and clarify one misperception or
misrepresentation so you can be more authentic with your partner.
LOVE LESSON 6: GO TO PLACES YOU ENJOY FOR MEETING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE.

Harold and Maude (1971)
Director: Hal Ashby
Stars: Bud Cort, Ruth Gordon
Death-obsessed Harold (Cort) is a 19-year-old rich boy who has every

material possession he could possibly desire, yet lacks close friends, a
loving family, and a romantic relationship. He spends his time going to
strangers’ funerals, staging fake suicides for his mother to witness, watch-
ing buildings get demolished, driving a hearse around town, and (not
surprisingly) visiting a psychiatrist.
At two of the funerals, he notices Maude (Gordon), a 79-year-old
amoral eccentric who also attends funerals for their entertainment value.
She inappropriately offers him licorice during one of the memorials to
get his attention. The two form an unlikely friendship that blossoms into
an even unlikelier romance. Much to the disapproval of those around
him, Harold discovers true love in the arms of a septuagenarian. Had
they seen each other under different circumstances, say at the mall or at
a restaurant, they probably wouldn’t have noticed each other. It’s their
eerily similar taste for the darker elements of life that allows them to
enjoy the lighter elements with each other, too.
The Lesson: Funerals typically aren’t great places to meet others for
long-term romantic relationships (note: the movie Wedding Crashers rec-
ommends them for one-nighters), but going places and doing activities
7
you sincerely enjoy does increase your chances of meeting someone with
similar interests. Don’t go to events merely to meet potential mates who
fall into a certain socio-demographic category. Do what you truly enjoy,
and this common ground could well be the foundation of a fulfilling
romantic relationship.
Love Language: Revisit your first meeting with your partner. Were
you both doing something you enjoy? Is this an activity you still find
engaging to do together?
LOVE LESSON 7: MAKE YOUR FIRST DATE MEMORABLE.

50 First Dates (2004)
Director: Peter Segal
Stars: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
Henry (Sandler), a marine biologist and confirmed womanizer, loves

them and lets them leave as the unofficial Don Juan of his Hawaiian
island. He suddenly loses interest in his previously unstoppable cycle of
tourist seductions when he meets Lucy (Barrymore) at a local diner. She’s
cute but a bit odd, with a penchant for constructing buildings with her
waffles. Henry strikes up a conversation about the waffles, and they seem
to have great chemistry.
When Lucy rejects his advances at their next meeting, Henry learns
she has irreversible brain damage caused by an automobile accident that
affects her short-term memory. This condition wipes her slate clean each
night during sleep, and she wakes each morning believing it’s Sunday,
October 13 (the day before the accident). Henry concocts various schemes
to win her over each day, and sometimes they work—until she goes to sleep
for the night and forgets everything he did for her the previous day.
The Lesson: Unless they have brain damage or another condition
affecting their memory, people will remember unusual first meetings, so
make it memorable. To avoid creating an unpleasant memory, strive for
being spontaneous, rather than so polished it sounds like a pick-up line
you’ve used countless times before. Create a wonderful memory together
that you can treasure over the years. And if someone constructs build-
8
Meeting Cute
ings with waffles at the breakfast table or displays some other endearing
behavior, it’s perfectly okay to mention it.
Love Language: If your first meeting was less than ideal, discuss a way
to “meet again for the first time.” Re-create the scene (either verbally or
physically) of how you met, changing the words and images to a more
satisfying introduction to your partner.
LOVE LESSON 8: HOW PEOPLE TREAT OTHERS IS HOW EVENTUALLY THEY WILL
TREAT YOU.
Notting Hill (1999)
Director: Roger Michell
Stars: Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant
In Notting Hill, a lonely travel book shop owner (Grant) casually retrieves
a stolen book without embarrassing the thief or causing a scene, much to
the amusement of world-renowned actress Anna Scott (Roberts), who just
wandered into the store and subsequently into his life. (For another lesson
from Notting Hill, see Love Lesson 44 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST
9
LOVE LESSON 9: ACCEPT WHAT THE UNIVERSE PROVIDES.

Serendipity (2001)
Director: Peter Chelsom
Stars: John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale
Jonathan (Cusack) and Sara (Beckinsale) accidentally meet when both

try to grab the last pair of gloves in a department store at Christmas-
time. An instant attraction leads them to spend the evening together
enjoying New York City, even though both are romantically involved
with other people.
When Jonathan wants to contact her again, Sara won’t give him a
telephone number or address because she believes fate will reunite them
if their relationship was meant to happen. Without exchanging any
personal information other than first names, she buys the book Love in
the Time of Cholera and writes her full name and phone number inside.
She instructs Jonathan to do the same on a five-dollar bill, which she
promptly spends. Sara promises to sell the book to a used bookstore the
following day. They hope fate will bring them together again, but years
pass and they become engaged to other people, although they both still
think about that special night with each other. The universe needs to
intervene before it’s too late for both of them.
The Lesson: Although Jonathan wanted to take immediate action
when he sensed their mutual attraction, Sara trusted fate to let their paths
cross again. However, by trusting the universe to work its magic a second
time, she was resisting the first time fate brought them together. Why
fight fate? Singles should grab every opportunity to find love with the
right person no matter how inconvenient the timing might be.
Love Language: Is there something each of you has trouble accepting
about your relationship? Which works toward the greater good in this
case: acceptance or change?
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Meeting Cute
LOVE LESSON 10: WATCH FOR REPEATING PATTERNS IN LIFE AND LOVE.
Romancing the Stone (1984)
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Stars: Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner
Genre: Action/Adventure Romance
Joan (Turner), a romance novelist, must travel to the jungles of South

America to deliver a treasure map that will save her kidnapped sister’s
life. Once there she is forced to dodge various other factions determined
to steal the map before she can deliver it. When a bus accident leaves her
stranded, Jack T. Colton (Douglas), a handsome American adventurer,
agrees to help her in exchange for $375. She is appalled at his mercenary
actions and shames him for not being more trustworthy. As they get
closer to their destination, he convinces her that whatever the map leads
to is more important than the map itself. Indeed, their expedition even-
tually unearths a huge emerald called “El Corazon,” the heart.
Despite continued feelings of distrust, Joan and Jack also have grow-
ing feelings of lust. Jack eventually gets in touch with his inner romance
hero, and they enjoy an exciting date night of dining, dancing, and inti-
macy. The full depth of his feelings, however, remains to be seen—specif-
ically, in the sequel, The Jewel of the Nile (1985).
The Lesson: Even at first glance, Jack closely resembles the generic
romance hero from many of Joan’s books. His daring masculinity com-
bined with intelligence, passion, and good looks make Joan unable to
resist him—despite her initial negative impression. Just as Jack rep-
resents the hero of her novels, Joan epitomizes the romantic heroine. She
loses her fears throughout their adventure and eventually becomes the
character she has practiced (on paper) for years. Joan frees herself from
unhealthy behaviors by unconsciously repeating the exciting romantic
pattern she writes about in her novels. When following patterns, the
converse is true, too. Avoid repeating patterns of unhealthy behavior that
reinforce fears.
Love Language: With which literary hero do you most identify?
What kind of behavior patterns (healthy and unhealthy) do you and your
literary hero have in common?
11
LOVE LESSON 11: DON’T TAKE REJECTION PERSONALLY.

Roxanne (1987)
Stars: Steve Martin, Daryl Hannah, Rick Rossovich
In this updated version of Cyrano de Bergerac, C.D. (Martin), a big-nosed

fire chief with a keen intellect, woos the beautiful Roxanne (Hannah)
vicariously through an ignorant hunk (Rossovich) who works at the
station. C.D. meets Roxanne when she calls the fire department because
she locked herself out of her summer home while naked. He performs
impressive physical and verbal feats that would make a great first impres-
sion on nearly any other woman. Roxanne knows her physical beauty can
attract almost any man she desires, and the big-nosed fireman doesn’t
even register on her personal male-measuring monitor. C.D., however,
can think of nothing else but her. His crazy scheme of courting her
through someone else with a more attractive exterior is so manipulative
and disingenuous, it can’t possibly succeed for him or the hunk.
Like beauty, this movie provides multilayered meanings for those
who like to go beyond the superficial. Supporting characters also possess
unusual exteriors that don’t necessarily indicate their inner qualities.
The Lesson: Just as Roxanne needs to learn how to find inner beauty
in others, C.D. needs to learn his self-image issues interfere with rela-
tionships more than his actual appearance does. Until both receive their
respective love lessons, they can’t see each other clearly. Similarly in off-
screen relationships, our emotional wounds can blind us to someone’s
beauty during an initial meeting.
Love Language: Discuss something challenging that happened in
your relationship from a different perspective that takes you out of the
equation. Create a reasonable and compassionate story that explains what
happened due to circumstances unrelated to you.
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Meeting Cute
LOVE LESSON 12: YOUR BEHAVIOR REVEALS YOUR SELF-IMAGE.

Wimbledon (2004)
Director: Richard Loncraine
Stars: Kirsten Dunst, Paul Bettany, Sam Neill
The characters in Roxanne aren’t the only ones experiencing naked first
encounters. Declining tennis star Peter Colt (Bettany) and rising tennis
star Lizzie Bradbury (Dunst) have an even more awkward initial meet-
ing. While checking into a swanky hotel for his tennis matches at Wim-
bledon, Peter receives a room key to a suite on the top floor. Although he
suspects a mistake has been made because his room should be far more
modest, he passively accepts the key and heads for the room. He enters
the room, exclaims at its loveliness, and then notices someone taking a
shower in the bathroom. With the bathroom door wide open and a beau-
tiful naked female finishing her shower, Peter stares at her.
Rather than screaming in terror at a strange man in her hotel room
or even slamming the door in embarrassment, Lizzie strikes up a con-
versation with him. She instantly recognizes Peter and deems him safe,
although she hides this knowledge from him. More confident with her
power over men than her power on the court, she flirts with him and later
seduces him, despite the fact that her father (Neill) highly disapproves of
romantic distractions that take her focus away from tennis.
The Lesson: Although Peter and Lizzie are too busy reacting to
immediate stimuli to process what’s going on, it’s easy for us to see
the bigger picture. They both behave in ways that coincide with their
self-image, although it appears to them as a chance meeting caused by
the desk clerk’s honest mistake. Peter’s general passivity in accepting the
room and following Lizzie’s lead, and her sexual aggression and willing-
ness to be distracted, create a combustible attraction. Far from random,
their behaviors are dictated by the way they feel about themselves. (For
another lesson from Wimbledon, see Love Lesson 116 in Chapter Eight:
Emotional Baggage.)
Love Language: Can you remember a time when you behaved out of
character and even surprised yourself with atypical thoughts, language, or
13
actions? Think about what your possible motives might have been at that
time, and discuss how they reflected your self-image.
LOVE LESSON 13: HONOR YOUR INSTINCTS.

Dan in Real Life (2007)
Director: Peter Hedges
Stars: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche
In Dan in Real Life, a lonely widower (Carell) browsing through a

bookstore meets the first woman (Binoche) to interest him since his
wife’s death, but unfortunately she turns out to be his younger brother’s
girlfriend, so he tries to deny the attraction he felt during their initial
interaction. (For another lesson from Dan in Real Life, see Love Lesson
83 in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry.)
BUENA VISTA/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: MERIE W. WALLACE
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Meeting Cute
LOVE LESSON 14: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)
Directors: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Steve Carell
Jacob (Gosling) routinely cruises bars looking for one-night stands.

Dressed with style, smooth and suave, plus endowed with finely chiseled
abs and a handsome face, he’s also tutoring a middle-aged man (Carell)
on the art of seduction. Jacob’s technique is to ask young women a few
questions about themselves and then the big question: “You wanna get
outta here?” This offer is generally well-received by the ladies.
After watching Hannah (Stone) at a bar with her friend, Jacob
approaches her in his usual fashion. When faced with her apparent indif-
ference and claim that he used a pick-up line, he changes tactics a little.
He says, “You’re really wearing that dress like you’re doing it a favor. . . .
That’s a line. But me sitting there for the past two hours not being able
to take my eyes off you is a fact.” He’s in the habit of using lines; she’s
in the habit of saying “no.” Although their cute first meeting doesn’t get
him immediate results, Jacob makes a definite impression that stays on
Hannah’s mind. When they finally do get together, they discover that
beyond their physical attraction to each other, they enjoy talking—really
talking beyond the lines and the automatic “no” responses, so they can
share emotional sides of themselves in a new way.
The Lesson: While it’s not wise or safe to make yourself vulnerable
to strangers, the only way to achieve true emotional intimacy is through
honest conversation. The night Jacob and Hannah met, they both hid
behind their words. To break through the facades, they eventually had
to reveal themselves through their words to achieve the relationship they
both secretly desired. (For another lesson from Crazy, Stupid, Love., see
Love Lesson 22 in Chapter Two: Dating Services.)
Love Language: What automatic responses or catch phrases do you
and your partner use? Do they reveal or hide your emotions? Can they
mean different things at different times or in different circumstances?
15
LOVE LESSON 15: DON’T LET FEAR OVERPOWER LOVE.

Wild Hogs (2007)
Director: Walt Becker
Stars: William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei, Tim Allen, John Travolta,
Martin Lawrence
Genre: Comedy
Four middle-aged suburban men, who comprise the Wild Hogs biker
group of Cincinnati, go on a road trip to the Pacific to get in touch with
their lost youth. Doug (Allen), Woody (Travolta), and Bobby (Lawrence)
leave their wives behind, but Dudley (Macy), a nerdy computer program-
mer who brings a “poop bag” on their biker adventure, has no one waiting
for him back at home.
Four nice guys who have motorcycles, the Wild Hogs encounter a
violent gang of real bikers called the Del Fuegos, which ends disastrously.
Taking refuge in the small New Mexico town of Madrid, the men burst
into a diner completely dehydrated after running out of gas and water
during their hasty retreat from the Del Fuegos’ biker bar. After demand-
ing beverages, Woody and Bobby take turns spraying the soda water
dispenser down their throats, Doug drinks from a customer’s pitcher of
beer, and Dudley gulps greedily from a water pitcher as if it were a glass.
Maggie (Tomei), who owns and runs the place, assumes they are Del
Fuegos and asks them sweetly if they would like to be seated. Dudley
approaches her in awe and puts down the pitcher, saying, “So, I uh . . .”
After a beat, Maggie turns to leave and Dudley takes a seat at a booth.
Maggie is unaware of his admiration or intentions because he was unable
to get the words out of his mouth. His inability to speak produces the
opposite of what he wants with Maggie, and for himself. Over the course
of the next couple of days, Dudley and Maggie establish their romantic
attraction and begin a relationship, but based on its unlikely beginning,
this “meet cute” almost ended the relationship before it began.
The Lesson: Dudley comes very close to missing out on the opportu-
nity to get to know Maggie better. Her first impression, that he had come
into her diner to steal food and drink as the Del Fuegos had done in the
past, gets replaced with the knowledge he has no affiliation with that
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Meeting Cute
group, but he’s completely unable to express himself with her. Their next
meeting takes place at the Chili Cook-off, where she tempts him with
her “hot lava” chili. As usual, Dudley begins his conversation with her
by saying, “So, uh . . .” Luckily, Maggie is far more eloquent with words.
Love Language: For your own personal assertiveness practice, approach
three strangers in the next few days (a clerk in a store, a bank teller, or
someone else in a safe environment) and pay them a sincere and appro-
priate compliment. On the flip side, practice being assertive in negative
situations as well. Politely return purchased merchandise you don’t like or
need, and send unsatisfactory food items back to the restaurant kitchen.
Once you can comfortably master these minor encounters, speaking up
while meeting cute will come naturally to you.
LOVE LESSON 16: PRACTICE DISPLAYING GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.

French Kiss (1995)
Director: Lawrence Kasdan
Stars: Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline, Timothy Hutton
Kate (Ryan) has reached a new low point in life. In the middle of nego-
tiating for a new house, changing her citizenship, and preparing for
marriage to Charlie (Hutton), he dumps her during a long-distance call
from Paris, where he’s attending a medical conference. Determined to
win him back, she confronts her deathly fear of flying and boards a plane
for the seven-hour flight from Toronto to Paris. To make her situation
even worse, she’s seated next to Luc (Kline), a Frenchman, talker, smoker,
and thief. Luc notices her discomfort and suggests maybe she’s not afraid
of flying, but of love, life, and sex. She tells him, “I don’t know what they
taught you in France, but rude and interesting are not the same thing.”
Actually they’re both quite rude to each other as pressure mounts
for them. While Luc appears at ease and chatters away incessantly to
help relieve her nerves, he’s secretly smuggling items inside his leather
jacket, and he later stashes them in Kate’s unlocked travel bag. As a
known thief, Luc knows he may be searched upon arrival at the airport,
so he uses Kate’s innocent appearance to help him get through customs.
17
Underneath his calm exterior, he’s incredibly worried about regaining the
items after arrival so he can buy back a vineyard that was his birthright
and stay out of prison doing so. Meanwhile, Kate has the challenge of
a lifetime: This repressed, fearful, lactose-intolerant girl next door must
compete against the French goddess her beloved Charlie has found as her
replacement. Despite their awful first impressions of each other, Kate and
Luc find this first meeting is the first of many for them.
The Lesson: Sure, they both have their problems that day on the
plane, and it’s fun to watch. Even so, they make unflattering assumptions
about each other and argue loudly enough to disturb other passengers.
Had they spoken to each other in kinder tones with open minds, they
would have joined forces much sooner to achieve their individual goals.
Instead they hurt each other’s feelings and take out their frustrations in
unproductive ways. Kate starts correctly by revealing to Luc she’s nervous
because it’s her first flight, but then immediately loses her graciousness
when she realizes he’s French. By transferring her dislike for her ex-
fiancé’s French goddess onto all French people, she sabotages her chances
of having a more relaxed flight with friendly conversation between them.
Love Language: Which situations make you most uncomfortable? Per-
haps a type of transportation, carnival ride, doctor visit, enclosed space, or
public speaking fills you with fear. Try having your partner accompany you
on one of these uncomfortable endeavors and practice grace under pressure,
i.e., speaking kindly and behaving normally despite the fear.
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Chapter Two
DATING SERVICES
Perhaps your career keeps you extremely busy, your intro

version makes it difficult to meet people, the dating pool in your area
is way too shallow, or all you’ve met are liars and cheaters. Whatever
the reason, sometimes people need a little outside help in the romance
department. These movies include dating advice and services from a
variety of professionals, enthusiastic amateurs, and even unwitting vol-
unteers from the animal kingdom.
So if you’ve run out of ideas for meeting new people for yourself or
need recommendations for your lonely friends, take your cue from these
eighteen selections. You’ll find advice from films adapted from classic
literature, movies with self-styled matchmaking services, a science-based
service to erase romantic memories, people who rely on social media and
online dating services to find romance, a woman who uses dogs and social
media to meet men, and one film that forgoes technology and merely
uses a dog as a means of attracting a partner.
These selected films include two recent documentaries that explore
the pains and pleasures of dating in the age of the Internet: Catfish
(the movie that inspired the MTV television series) is a cautionary
tale of being duped by fake online profiles, and Aspie Seeks Love follows
a lonely man with Asperger’s syndrome as he evolves from years of
unsuccessfully posting “Girlfriend Wanted” flyers on the sides of build-
ings to successfully utilizing online dating websites. So whether it’s a
computer, an expert, or well-meaning relatives with too much time on
19
their hands, outside dating services offer help for those who haven’t
been able to find love on their own.
LOVE LESSON 17: KEEP YOUR WEB UNTANGLED.

She’s the Man (2006)
Director: Andy Fickman
Stars: Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum
In this modern adaptation of William Shakespeare’s comedy Twelfth

Night, a high school girl named Viola (Bynes) enjoys playing soccer so
much, she pretends to be her twin brother to join the boys’ team at the
rival school. This enables her to show her sexist former soccer coach and
jerky ex-boyfriend that she can play as well as the next guy.
Wrapping an elastic bandage around her chest and donning fake hair
and boy’s clothes, Viola attends the private boarding school in place of
her truant brother who takes off for a trip overseas. While in disguise, she
rooms with Duke (Tatum), the sensitive captain of the school’s soccer team.
When Duke asks her to fix him up with the most beautiful girl on cam-
pus, Viola begins to develop romantic feelings for him. She gives him bad
dating advice such as “Ask her what kind of cheese she likes” and attempts
to sabotage their relationship in other ways as well. Unfortunately, the girl
crushes on cross-dressed Viola, which leads to the inevitable collapse of her
intricate web of lies, and the possible end of her relationship with Duke.
The Lesson: Had Viola not lied about her identity in the first place,
she still might have met Duke through normal social interactions, such
as at the pizza parlor, the local carnival, the debutante ball, and soccer
games. She also had the option of maintaining her secret identity to
others, but revealing the truth to her roommate. If Viola had been honest
with Duke, he may have cooperated willingly and aided her training for
the chance to get even with the rival soccer team. She had another chance
to tell the truth when Duke asked for matchmaking help. She could have
revealed her identity, motives, and feelings then, and trusted him to help
her in her mission.
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Dating Services
Love Language: Viola’s inability to trust men may have resulted from
her parents’ divorce, her soccer coach’s misogyny, her boyfriend’s abusive
behavior, or something from childhood. Discuss how ill-treatment by
authority figures of the opposite sex may affect your ability to trust.
LOVE LESSON 18: ACCEPT WHAT IS, RATHER THAN FORCING WHAT YOU THINK
SHOULD BE.
Emma (1996)
Director: Douglas McGrath
Stars: Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeremy Northam, Toni Collette
Genre: Historical Romance
Based on the 1816 Jane Austen novel of the same name, Emma looks at
the mischief caused by 21-year-old Emma Woodhouse (Paltrow), who
can’t keep her perky little upturned nose out of other people’s love lives.
Coming from a wealthy and prestigious family, Emma needn’t worry
about whether she marries or not, as she will always have the necessary
funds and social standing to prosper, yet she concerns herself obsessively
with the marriages of others. A poor judge of character, she discourages
her poor, plain-looking friend (Collette) to reject a simple farmer who
loves her in favor of someone higher on the social ladder. When this cho-
sen subject obviously prefers to romance Emma rather than her friend,
it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Emma doesn’t stop there. She meddles in other love affairs, botching
things up each time. She also finds herself having romantic feelings of her
own, unfortunately for an older family friend, Mr. Knightley (Northam),
who soundly disdains her manipulations, miscalculations, interferences,
and immaturity. When a fine, upstanding gentleman such as Mr. Knight-
ley bursts into angry tirades because of her activities, it’s time—or past
time, actually—for Emma to reevaluate her course of action. If someone
she admires greatly cannot return the favor because she’s not behaving
admirably, there’s little hope for a good match, unless she’s willing to
recognize her weaknesses and work toward being as kind, open-minded,
and accepting as she is generous with her matchmaking advice.
21
The Lesson: A quote by author Sonia Ricotti comes to mind here:

“Surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”
If only Emma could surrender to what is (letting others choose whom
they want to love), let go of what was (her former childhood impression
of Mr. Knightley), and have faith in what will be (remaining optimistic
for her happy future and that of her friends and acquaintances), she could
resign from matchmaking forever.
Love Language: Without Mr. Knightley’s frank discussion of her
transgressions, Emma would have continued her ill-fated matchmaking
attempts, ruining healthy relationships in the process. Maybe you need to
hear some tough love language or speak to someone close to you about
their behavior.
LESSON 19: DON’T DELAY THE “MEET CUTE” ANY LONGER THAN NECESSARY.
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Director: Nora Ephron
Stars: Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, Ross Malinger
Eight-year-old Jonah (Malinger) and his widower father, Sam Baldwin

(Hanks), have lived a lonely existence since the death of Mrs. Baldwin.
After eighteen months of grieving and desperate to help his father find a
new wife, Jonah contacts a national radio talk show seeking help. Using
the call-in name “Sleepless in Seattle,” Sam dubiously shares his story
with the host, proclaiming his late wife was so perfect and they had been
so happy, he believes that bliss will never be his again. Baltimore news-
paper reporter Annie Reed (Ryan) hears Sam on the radio and becomes
obsessed with his story. Despite her engagement to someone else, she
attempts to contact Sam for article research, although her motives are
more self-serving than she cares to admit.
Sam has little interest in contacting a long-distance stranger for any
reason and halfheartedly dates someone much closer to home. Yet Jonah
believes Annie may be exactly what their little broken family needs to
mend itself and arranges a meeting with her in New York. After so many
months of waiting and wondering, Annie finally makes a firm decision and
22
Dating Services
is nearly breathless with anticipation at the potential for a new and better
relationship. However, between Sam’s reluctance, Annie’s engagement, and
the distance between Baltimore and Seattle, their long-anticipated meeting
almost didn’t happen. Jonah’s persistence is directly responsible for Sam
and Annie’s unlikely first meeting actually taking place. Left to their own
devices, this perfect couple likely never would have met.
The Lesson: Maybe it’s a blind date your friend has been trying to
arrange for you, or an online relationship that’s been developing for
months, or there’s someone you’ve admired from afar but have been afraid
to approach for fear of rejection. Waiting for the perfect time (or some
precocious kid to speak for you) may take so long, the opportunity is no
longer available. If a meeting can set your mind at ease or help you make
a decision, make arrangements as soon as possible.
Love Language: If you have a potential love interest (or employer,
etc.) you’ve been afraid to see face-to-face, summon the courage to
arrange that meeting. Make the call, send the text or e-mail, or do
whatever it takes to get the message across that you’re ready to meet.
Whatever the outcome of the meeting—and regardless of how “cute” it
actually is—accomplishing this goal will allow you to go forward with
that pursuit or move on to something else.
LOVE LESSON 20: RECOGNIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT YOU WANT
AND WHAT YOU NEED.
Crossing Delancey (1988)
Director: Joan Micklin Silver
Stars: Amy Irving, Peter Riegert
Isabelle (Irving) works at a small bookstore in New York City, where she’s
in charge of special events. Though she’s single and lives alone, she thrives
on mingling with intellectuals and socialites at various literary functions.
One particular author catches her attention, and she crosses the line
between professional and personal interest in him.
Unbeknownst to Isabelle, her traditional Jewish grandmother has
arranged with a matchmaker to find her a man. After much arguing
23
and griping, she agrees to go out with her “match” Sam (Riegert), who
comes from a stable Jewish family of pickle makers. Craving the glamour,
sophistication, and excitement associated with her profession, Isabelle
cannot see past Sam’s common-man career. She goes after what she
wants—the author—who very likely cannot provide what she needs.
Sam’s situation is far more clear-cut: He already knows that Isabelle is
what he wants and needs.
The Lesson: By focusing only on what she wants (or thinks she wants),
Isabelle hurts many people, including Sam, her grandmother, the match-
maker, and herself. Her busy career and social life (with her girlfriends)
keep her life so filled with activity, there’s little time for reflection. On the
other hand, years of standing around his shop all day serving customers has
given Sam time to clarify his personal goals in life. (For another lesson from
Crossing Delancey, see Love Lesson 43 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
Love Language: Schedule one day, one weekend, or an entire week, if
you can get away from work and social commitments, to reflect on your
personal status without the distractions of your usual routine. At this point
in your life, do you want and need the same things to achieve happiness?
If you have a partner, do your wants and needs support each other?
LOVE LESSON 21: WELL-INTENTIONED ADVICE ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD ADVICE.

The Boyfriend School (Don’t Tell Her It’s Me) (1990)
Director: Malcolm Mowbray
Stars: Steve Guttenberg, Jami Gertz, Shelley Long
It’s not just women engaging in dangerous deception when it comes

to romantic encounters. Gus (Guttenberg), an unhip, overweight car-
toonist recovering from cancer, meets Emily (Gertz), a pretty magazine
reporter who refuses to go out with him. Following the detailed advice
of his sister (Long), a best-selling romance novelist who considers her-
self an expert on everything relating to love, Gus begins jogging, faking
a New Zealand accent, donning black leather chaps, and taking sexual-
ity classes. His transformation into a rugged dream date finally catches
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Dating Services
the attention of Emily, who fails to recognize the cartoonist from their
previous meeting when he was still bald and heavy from chemotherapy
and radiation treatments.
This romantic comedy, released under both titles and based on the
novel The Boyfriend School by Sarah Bird, pairs the decidedly superficial
with the desperately deceptive—typically not the best way to begin a
The Lesson: Gus definitely needed to up his game after his recent
illness, but with his sister’s prodding, he took it too far. Getting back in
shape, styling his newly grown hair, and buying a hip wardrobe were great
for his morale. Adding a fake accent and exotic persona actually defeated
his purpose. By adopting this false front, he denied himself and Emily
his authentic self. Once the truth came out, they essentially had to start
from scratch in their relationship because the sick Gus and the fake Gus
weren’t the real Gus.
Love Language: Discuss with your partner whether you had any false
perceptions about him or her based on initial appearance, and if some-
one else’s advice was influencing these perceptions. Was height, weight,
wardrobe, grooming, or ethnicity an issue at first? At what point did these
issues stop being important?
LOVE LESSON 22: WATCH FOR THE RIPPLE EFFECTS OF YOUR ACTIONS.
Directors: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Stars: Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore
In Crazy, Stupid, Love., middle-aged Cal (Carell), separated from his

unfaithful wife (Moore), hangs out in the neighborhood bar and shares
his sad story with Jacob (Gosling), a handsome young womanizer who
provides Cal with free date-coaching services to help him regain his man-
hood by improving his personal style and conversation techniques. This
interaction changes Jacob’s life as well as Cal’s. (For another lesson from
Crazy, Stupid, Love., see Love Lesson 14 in Chapter One: Meeting Cute.)
25
WARNER BROTHERS/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 23: STRIVE TO ALWAYS BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.

Hitch (2005)
Director: Andy Tennant
Stars: Will Smith, Eva Mendes, Kevin James, Amber Valletta
Like Jacob in Crazy, Stupid, Love., Hitch (Smith) helps men date better.
He bills himself as “The Date Doctor,” a man whose services include
dance lessons, body waxing, attitude adjustment, and verbal coaching to
improve lonely men’s chances with the ladies. In particular, he’s working
for Albert ( James), a lumpy accountant in love with a beautiful million-
aire (Valletta) who’s way out of his league. Unlike Jacob, however, it is
Hitch’s paid profession to discreetly train awkward men to get who they
want as partners.
Attempting to stay under the radar with his high-priced services,
Hitch becomes enamored with a nosy investigative reporter (Mendes).
Underneath his smooth-talking surface, Hitch seems to be just as lonely
as the next guy, and ultimately just as awkward with women when it’s
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Dating Services
time to get real. As Albert’s romantic relationship progresses with a mix-

ture of the new version of himself and his old irrepressible self, Hitch’s
parallel romantic relationship with the reporter reaches critical mass.
The Lesson: Despite his training to be calm and cool, Albert’s inner
nerdiness emerges when he’s out with his beloved. Incorporating some of
Hitch’s refinement, while still maintaining his authentic self (including
original dance moves and clumsiness), proves to be the magic mix for
finding true love.
Love Language: Is there an integral aspect of your personality that
you’ve been squelching because some parent, teacher, or former partner
trained it out of you? Would you be more authentic if you allowed this
behavior to re-emerge?
LOVE LESSON 24: PEOPLE RESENT BEING MANIPULATED, EVEN WHEN IT’S FOR
THEIR OWN GOOD.
Failure to Launch (2006)
Director: Tom Dey
Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker
Paula (Parker) works as a professional interventionist. Hired by desperate

parents eager to see their children move out of the house, she operates
on the assumption that all men still living at home do so because of low
self-esteem. She also assumes that dating a lovely young woman (such as
herself ) will lure them out of the house and into their own place, where
she can successfully break up with them and set them free to explore
other romantic relationships. She doesn’t do this freestyle, but follows a
specific regime. She looks good, finds out what they like, and pretends
to like it, too. Then she lets them share in a prearranged trauma, allows
them to teach her something new, and withholds sex from them. Works
every time! Except, of course, it doesn’t work with her newest subject, a
35-year-old boat broker named Tripp (McConaughey).
Tripp’s “failure to launch” from his parents’ home is not caused by low
self-esteem, but rather his fear of intimacy due to a past trauma. His dys-
functional patterns result in dating women briefly and then taking them
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home to show them he still lives with his parents when the women get
too attached to him. So with Paula’s erroneous assumptions about Tripp,
and his ignorance of her true motives in seeing him, naturally neither of
their plans works out accordingly. Falling in love with each other adds
another dimension of confusion, as that also was not part of the plan for
either one of them.
The Lesson: Paula and Tripp are both manipulators who use people
to get what they want. Paula wants money from parents for launching
their reluctant sons. Tripp wants sex with no commitment, attachment,
or emotional intimacy from the women he dates. Because Paula per-
forms this function in a professional capacity, she should have researched
her subject before getting involved with him, rather than trying to bail
out later after she learns his backstory. In addition, when she begins to
have real (as opposed to her usual manufactured) romantic feelings, she
should have canceled the contract immediately. Although she does return
the money to Tripp’s parents, she appears to have manipulated him and
them, which almost always causes resentment among those who’ve been
manipulated. (For another lesson from Failure to Launch, see Love Les-
son 75 in Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
Love Language: Can you remember a time when you were manipu-
lated? How about when you were doing the manipulating? How did you
feel about those times, and can you think of more effective—and less
hurtful—ways of getting what you want now?
LOVE LESSON 25: MAKE YOURSELF EASY TO LOVE.

My Best Friend’s Girl (2008)
Director: Howard Deutch
Stars: Dane Cook, Kate Hudson, Jason Biggs
Unlike some of the other smooth characters in this chapter who help
men with their dating skills, Tank (Cook) is such a despicable jerk, other
men hire him to give their ex-girlfriends the worst date of their life. As a
rebound specialist, he makes the ex-boyfriends look great by comparison.
Tank takes pride in showing these women the cruel, crude, animalistic
side of a man, with behavior so loathsome, they go running back into
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the arms of their previous boyfriends. Having perfected these skills by

watching his oversexed father, Tank shows signs of humanity beneath all
the sleaze, such as discouraging a man from cheating again on the woman
he just tried to get back for him.
Although a master at his raunchy craft, Tank runs into trouble when
his longtime best friend (Biggs) asks him for help with a coworker who
just wants to be friends with him after only five weeks of dating. How-
ever, when he meets this woman (Hudson), he finds that for the first
time, someone can see right through his game, and he may have met his
own match. What do you do when the woman happens to be your best
friend’s girl?
The Lesson: Regardless of your role models, search for the highest
good within you. Offensive scoundrel that he is, Tank still secretly cries
at the movie Ghost and takes pity on one of the women he’s targeting, but
keeps this softer, gentler side hidden from others. Perhaps he hides this
side of himself in order to win his father’s approval. By doing this, how-
ever, he faces disapproval from everyone else and little chance at true love.
Love Language: Tell your partner about a softer side of his or her
personality that you find especially endearing. Praising positive behavior
is the most effective way to get more of it.
LOVE LESSON 26: WITHOUT SELF-AWARENESS, WE WILL KEEP FALLING IN LOVE

WITH THE SAME PERSON (OR SAME TYPE OF PERSON).
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Director: Michel Gondry
Stars: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Tom Wilkinson
Genre: Romantic Science Fiction
In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a man (Carrey) hires a doctor

(Wilkinson) working for Lacuna Corporation, a service specializing in
erasing romantic memories, to wipe out all traces of his former girlfriend,
Clementine (Winslet), who had previously erased all memories of him,
but history has a way of repeating itself. (For another lesson from Eter-
nal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, see Love Lesson 136 in Chapter Nine:
Breakups and Makeups.)
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FOCUS FEATURES/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 27: AVOID PLAYING GAMES TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS.

You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Director: Nora Ephron
Stars: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
Having met in an over-30 chat room, Joe (Hanks) and Kathleen (Ryan)
enjoy an online relationship in which they share funny insights, personal
quirks, and life philosophies. When Joe suggests they meet in person,
Kathleen feels uncertainty. They haven’t revealed names or occupations,
nor shared photographs. Will meeting face-to-face doom the seemingly
perfect virtual romance?
When Joe arrives at the meeting place, he sees Kathleen with the
designated red rose (so they will recognize each other). His jubilant mood
sours instantly when he recognizes her from their previous unpleasant
encounters in New York’s publishing industry, where they both work
as booksellers. Tempted to run away, he plays mind games instead. Joe
approaches her table and sits nearby as if by coincidence, then taunts
her about her missing suitor. The disastrous evening ends with Kathleen
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begging him to leave so she can meet her mystery man without Joe’s
miserable presence spoiling the encounter.
Despite Joe’s earlier deception, eventually they resolve the situation
and a tentative friendship deepens into something more. You’ve Got Mail
allows us to journey with the couple through the phases of their unique
relationship filled with ironic humor and charming portrayals.
The Lesson: Joe and Kathleen relish the honesty of their online rela-
tionship, yet immediately resort to game-playing when together in per-
son. While teasing, games, and role-playing can be fun within a loving
relationship, you must take off your “mask” during the initial meeting or
there may not be a second encounter.
Love Language: Can you remember a time when playing a game early
in a relationship produced the opposite result from what you intended?
LOVE LESSON 28: YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN KNOW
TRUE LOVE.
Aspie Seeks Love (2015)
Director: Julie Sokolow
Star: David Matthews
Genre: Documentary
For twenty years, Pittsburgh resident David Matthews plastered flyers

around town with strange headlines, his photograph, and humorous per-
sonal advertisements describing his interest in finding a romantic partner.
Despite his tenaciousness and clever writing, his efforts never led to love.
Known in college as “Squid Man,” he’s had few friends over the years,
mostly due to his awkward social skills, speaking style like a “friendly
computer,” and unrelenting sarcasm.
Upon receiving the diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome at age 41,
David finally had the answer he needed. Once he recognized the source
of his problem in finding a life partner, he was intent on discovering a
solution. He joined a local support group and received counseling to
improve his socialization, and then joined an online dating site. Within
a short amount of time, technology had achieved what his pavement
pounding could not. He was meeting intelligent women who were inter-
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ested in having a relationship with him. The diagnosis also gave him the
boost in confidence he needed to publish his writing beyond the scope of
telephone poles and the walls of buildings.
Although still somewhat worried critics will think he has “no busi-
ness writing” because of his condition, David successfully published a
book of short stories in 2013. People might still find his quirky sense of
humor and preference for Baroque music somewhat odd, but he now has
the necessary skills to find the love he needs in his life.
The Lesson: Before his Asperger’s diagnosis, David had no explanation
for why he was so different from other people. This lack of self-awareness,
in addition to asociality, created enormous obstacles to finding romantic
love. Once he had an explanation for his lifelong struggles, he could
prepare himself better for the challenge of finding a romantic partner
through an online dating service. By the end of the documentary, David
is probably the happiest he’s ever been. Just as in a fictional narrative fea-
ture, the longevity or final outcome of the relationship is unknown and
irrelevant. What’s important is David’s newfound ability to successfully
seek love based on his self-knowledge, which will provide him with a
lifelong set of skills he can use online and in person.
Love Language: Has a physical, mental, or emotional limitation been
holding you back from finding true love or from fully expressing love in
your relationship? Could a doctor, mental health counselor, life coach, or
religious leader help you move this obstacle from your path to happiness?
Discuss these limitations with your partner.
LOVE LESSON 29: GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT THE GIFT OF YOUR LOVE LESSON.
Catfish (2010)
Directors: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Stars: Yaniv Schulman, Ariel Schulman, Henry Joost, Angela Wesselman
Genre: Documentary
This documentary explores an online relationship New York photogra-

pher Yaniv (Nev) Schulman had in 2007 with an artistic Michigan fam-
ily. It started when Abby, an 8-year-old painting prodigy, turned one of
Nev’s published photographs into a piece of artwork. After receiving the
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painting through the mail, 24-year-old Nev begins a friendly telephone

and Facebook relationship with the girl and her mother, Angela. Before
long, he (virtually) meets Abby’s cute older sister, Megan, a talented
singer. Their friendly banter soon turns romantic, and ultimately sexual.
During a shooting assignment that takes Nev and his photography
team (Ariel Schulman and Joost) across the country, he suggests Megan
meet him so they can see each other face-to-face. Unable to comply, she
sends him a recording of a song she sang that sounds identical to profes-
sional work recorded by someone else. In addition, he finds the supposed
art gallery with Abby’s paintings is still a vacant building being advertised
online. Nev’s survival instincts finally reactivate, and he begins research-
ing online to look for other deceptions. With growing suspicions, he and
his team visit the Michigan address listed on the packages, and find that
no one in the family has been portrayed accurately.
The Lesson: When Nev begins to suspect Megan isn’t exactly as she
portrayed herself, his reaction is more surprise and curiosity than anger
or resentment. When they actually meet, he cautiously works toward the
truth and then processes what he learns. Above all he is compassionate,
and eventually recognizes the experience as a gift that keeps on giving:
His heartbreaking encounter became a documentary film and related
television series designed to help others in similar circumstances.
Love Language: Has an unexpected or disappointing first encounter
ever turned out to be a learning experience? Were there any additional
gifts from the uncomfortable meeting?
LOVE LESSON 30: THE LAW OF ATTRACTION WORKS ON THE INTERNET, TOO.
Burn After Reading (2008)
Directors: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Stars: George Clooney, Frances McDormand
Genre: Crime Comedy
In Burn After Reading, a middle-aged woman (McDormand) with

lots of body-image issues and emotional problems cruises the Internet
looking for men, most of whom end up being secretly married and as
emotionally damaged as she is, such as her latest find, Harry (Clooney).
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FOCUS FEATURES/PHOTOFEST
(For another lesson from Burn After Reading, see Love Lesson 156 in
Chapter Ten: Sweet Temptations.)
LOVE LESSON 31: ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Director: Jared Hess
Stars: Jon Heder, Aaron Ruell, Tina Majorino, Shondrella Avery
Genre: Comedy
It’s hard to image two brothers with more off-putting personalities. High
schooler Napoleon Dynamite (Heder) uses the word “gosh” at the end
of most sentences like a form of punctuation. Awkward, nerdy, tactless,
and perpetually ill-tempered, Napoleon lives in a run-down house in
rural Idaho with his grandmother and 32-year-old brother, Kip (Ruell).
The brothers spend their time arguing about food, the telephone, and the
effectiveness of a mail-order time machine.
While Napoleon is at school getting bullied for his peculiar appear-
ance and habits (he saves tater tots in his pants pocket, among other
strange behaviors), Kip is at home searching online chat rooms for
women. When he finally finds his true love online, Lafawnduh (Avery),
it proves opposites can and do attract. For his part, Napoleon works to
repair the damage done to his friendship and budding romance with
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Deb (Majorino), a girl to whom his uncle tried to sell bust-enlargement

supplements and falsely claimed it was at Napoleon’s request.
Although audiences might find these two guys rather hard to love,
their lack of self-awareness actually aids in their cause to find women.
Because they not only accept themselves but actually revel in their geeki-
ness, they prove there’s someone out there (and likely several “someones”)
for everybody.
The Lesson: These two nerdy misfits, with irritating personalities and
no sense of style, both manage to find love through the channels available
to them. Regardless of what society thinks of them, the brothers pursue
their love interests with gusto, never doubting they are worthy of the love
they seek.
Love Language: Recall a time when you felt like an outsider. Did you
retain your individuality or blend into the crowd to fit in better? Discuss
circumstances when one course of action is better than the other.
LOVE LESSON 32: EMBRACE THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF.

Stuck on You (2003)
Directors: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
Stars: Matt Damon, Greg Kinnear, Eva Mendes, Wen Yann Shih
Genre: Comedy
Conjoined twins and best friends Bob (Damon) and Walt (Kinnear)
Tenor have totally different personalities. A superior athlete, Bob is
incredibly shy and prone to panic attacks in social situations. An extro-
verted stage actor, easygoing Walt has no trouble with women. Despite
Walt’s active love life, Bob has not been with a woman in five years,
although he maintains an online romance with May (Yann Shih), who
knows nothing of his physical condition.
Walt persuades Bob to move from Martha’s Vineyard to Los Ange-
les so he can pursue his acting dream, and secretly contacts May to
come visit them at their new residence in the Rising Star Apartments.
Although he likes her just as much in person as he does online, Bob goes
to several ridiculous extremes (including hiding Walt underneath a huge
stuffed animal on the bed) to keep his secret from her. When she asks
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why Walt is always around, Bob makes up a different excuse each time.
What can be hidden in an online romance, however, cannot be hidden in
person. When May eventually sees Bob and Walt lying in bed together,
she assumes they are gay lovers rather than brothers attached at the hip.
Walt’s ditzy girlfriend (Mendes) actually has the most sense of anybody
in the film when she tells the brothers and Walt’s talent agent not to hide
their physical condition: “Don’t deny, deny, deny. Embrace!”
The Lesson: Even though the brothers had an established restaurant
in their hometown and were generally accepted while growing up, Bob’s
chronic anxiety and Walt’s drinking and carousing reveal they may not be
entirely comfortable with all the compromises required by their physical
affliction. Because they share a liver, separation surgery could be danger-
ous for Walt, who claims the smaller portion. By Bob neglecting to tell
May he even has a brother, much less a conjoined twin, and Walt hiding
his condition from the media through camera tricks and lies, the Tenor
twins are in a highly unrealistic state of denial. Embracing the truth
about themselves is their only chance for happiness, whether attached
or living separate lives. (For another lesson from Stuck on You, see Love
Lesson 86 in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry.)
Love Language: Is there an obvious truth you’ve been denying for far
too long? Try embracing this truth with your partner. After the initial
fear fades away, embrace the freedom that comes with speaking openly
and honestly with someone you trust.
LOVE LESSON 33: BE VERY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT IN A MATE.
Must Love Dogs (2005)
Director: Gary David Goldberg
Stars: Diane Lane, John Cusack, Elizabeth Perkins, Dermot Mulroney
Divorced preschool teacher Sarah Nolan (Lane) hasn’t quite gotten over
her marriage falling apart. Therefore, her aggressive older sister, Carol
(Perkins), takes it upon herself to register Sarah on an online dating site.
Although her online description of her sister is not entirely accurate, she
gets it right by adding “must love dogs” to Sarah’s profile requirements.
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As Sarah meets the undesirable men who respond to her profile and
carries on an inappropriate fling with the father of one of her students
(Mulroney), she almost misses the boat when Jake (Cusack) comes along,
also through the dating site. Slightly neurotic, he crafts wooden boats by
hand with an unusual intensity about his work. He’s also very sweet, and
enjoys watching the movie Doctor Zhivago over and over again.
Carol knows her sister needs a sensitive man to match Sarah’s own
sensibilities, hence the inclusion of “must love dogs.” Although Sarah and
Jake have a terrible first encounter, their sensitivity and sincerity make a
perfect match, and after jumping over standard rom-com obstacles, they
manage to work things out with their relationship. (For another man who
builds boats by hand, see Love Lesson 37 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
The Lesson: If Sarah had written her own profile, she probably would
have been more specific, citing an honest description of herself, along with
requirements for her romantic partner (including “must love dogs” and
whatever else she wants). Because her profile and those of the men she
meets online, with the exception of Jake, are not clear about what they have
to offer and what they want in a mate, the initial results are disappoint-
ing—even landing her an online match with her own father. Knowing who
you are, what you have to offer, and what you want in return puts you on
the fast track to dating success—whether online or offline.
Love Language: Even if you are not currently looking for a mate, try
writing a profile for fun. How would you describe yourself, your hobbies,
and your interests? What are you specifically looking for in a romantic
partner? Compare notes with your partner to see how closely you match
each other on paper, and see if compromises or changes are in order.
LOVE LESSON 34: PRACTICE FEELING LOVE EVEN BEFORE YOU FIND IT.
The Drop (2014)
Director: Michael R. Roskam
Stars: Tom Hardy, Noomi Rapace, James Gandolfini
Genre: Crime Drama
So why is a violent crime thriller included among this collection of

mostly romantic comedies and dramas, and what can it teach us about
37
love? In this intelligent film based on a short story by Dennis Lehane,

a lonely bartender (Hardy) works at a sleazy Brooklyn bar that handles
money drops for local Chechen gangsters. A robbery at this Mafia-
owned bar causes Bob and coworker cousin Marv (Gandolfini) much
distress as they deal with threats from the Chechens and pressure from
the police. During this chaotic time, Bob finds a severely beaten dog in
a trash can near his home. He rescues the pit bull puppy and names him
Rocco, but as a first-time dog owner enlists the advice and aid of Nadia
(Rapace), a strange young woman who owns the trash can but claims the
puppy does not belong to her. As Bob trains the puppy to behave, the
puppy trains Bob to love.
Having grown up surrounded by violence and crime, Bob lived an
isolated life in a crowded community. Seeking redemption through fre-
quent visits to church, he redeems himself through rescuing the dog and
experiencing love. When Rocco’s owner suddenly appears and demands
the dog’s return, Bob fully realizes the depth of his feelings toward the
dog. While most service dogs work with physically disabled people, Roc-
co’s unofficial matchmaking service opens Bob’s heart to loving a pet, and
ultimately to Nadia.
The Lesson: Had Bob not rescued the dog, he wouldn’t have been res-
cued either. By allowing himself to feel the vulnerability that comes with
love (i.e., the pet could die, become lost, or be stolen), he takes a baby step
toward romantic love with a woman. (For another tough guy with a dog,
see Love Lesson 49 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
Love Language: If you’ve ever owned a pet, how did you respond to
the loss of that pet? Is that same behavior mirrored when you lose some-
one with whom you’ve had a romantic relationship?
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Chapter Three
GIVING GIFTS
Gift-giving is essential in films as a symbolic bonding gesture.

The best on-screen gift—in terms of sentimental value, usefulness,
unexpectedness, originality, and thoughtfulness—may be the invisibility
cloak given to Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Once
belonging to his late father, the cloak renders Harry invisible for unap-
proved visits to the candy store, eavesdropping on adult conversations,
after-hours trips to the restricted section of the library, and a multitude of
other uses. As the giver of the cloak remains anonymous and the recipi-
ent is an adolescent wizard, the gift doesn’t qualify as a lesson in romantic
love. But anyone who’s ever been involved in a romantic relationship
knows an invisibility cloak certainly would come in handy sometimes.
For most romantic gift-giving, it would be more cost-effective—
though considerably less fun—if the traditional circle of gold were
enough to satisfy people involved in romantic relationships. The diamond
engagement ring (based on an old superstition that the diamond’s sparkle
began in the alchemists’ fires of love) and the double-ring wedding cere-
mony, with two simple bands of gold representing eternity, are traditional
symbols of romantic commitment. Before the final ring stage of a rela-
tionship, however, other jewelry, dozens of roses, boxes of chocolates, and
countless other tokens define most courtships. With the unlimited imag-
inations (and resources) of movie characters, gift-giving encompasses an
even wider range of choices.
Expected and/or promised gifts create an anticipatory, the-sky’s-the-
limit kind of feeling in the recipient, who often remains unencumbered
39
by financial or practical concerns. Upon receipt of these gifts, an inevita-

ble crash landing to the world of reality occurs when it’s discovered the
gift giver is tremendously influenced by these very concerns. On the other
hand, unexpected, undeserved, and hard-to-find gifts inspire outpourings
of love and affection for the thoughtful gift giver. There’s no better gift
than the one that says “I love you,” and no better time than now to give
it. Gifts can be thoughtful or barely disguised self-serving manipulations.
And many of the best gifts have little material worth, but are worth a
million dollars in sentimental value.
LOVE LESSON 35: DON’T GIVE A GIFT THAT RUSHES INTIMACY.

Singles (1992)
Director: Cameron Crowe
Stars: Campbell Scott, Kyra Sedgwick
What does a garage-door opener mean to you? To 20-something Linda

Powell (Sedgwick), a single woman living in Seattle among a thriving
young grunge community, giving that little remote control signifies the
deepest commitment in a relationship. It represents a promise of avail-
ability and an open invitation to visit. She gives her garage-door opener
to a foreign-exchange student with whom she falls in love. He soon
betrays her, which causes her to lose faith in men completely (not to
mention buy a new garage-door opener).
When Linda meets nice-guy Steve Dunne (Scott) at an Alice in
Chains concert, she fights her mixed feelings of skepticism and interest.
In fact, all she’ll commit to for a first date is going out for a glass of water
together. Steve has mixed feelings of his own, having rushed commit-
ments in the past, thereby ruining the relationships. He decides to play it
cool this time by delaying calls and commitments for a while. But he just
can’t stop thinking about her, this perfect girl he feels God created just
for him. Before long his cool, casual demeanor disappears, and he’s giving
Linda his garage-door opener.
The Lesson: Having made the same mistake herself by rushing inti-
macy, Linda is quick to see it in someone else. What if Steve had kept the
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garage-door opener a few months longer? Linda might have respected

him more, felt less pressured, and avoided picking fights with him. Their
relationship would have progressed smoothly and naturally, without the
rush to commit. Most importantly, Linda wouldn’t have felt compelled to
scrub the toilet bowl with his clothes.
Love Language: Giving out your house key, security code, or garage-
door opener too early in a relationship can be a costly mistake, as can gifts
of flimsy nighties and underclothes. Your gifts should echo the level of
intimacy already established in the relationship, not foreshadow the days
(or nights) you hope will come. Looking back to earlier in your relation-
ship, discuss with your partner any gifts given or received that may have
rushed the intimacy a little.
LOVE LESSON 36: MAKE EVEN EXPECTED GIFTS SURPRISING.

The Age of Adaline (2015)
Director: Lee Toland Krieger
Stars: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman
Adaline Bowman (Lively) was just an ordinary woman, married with a

young child, when tragedy struck . . . twice. First her husband died, and
then she was involved in a horrific car accident in which she technically
died, but came back to life as an immortal stuck at age 29. As she watches
those around her grow old (including her daughter) and die, she vows to
avoid romantic entanglements, which can only result in mutual pain for
both parties. In fact, she’s so paranoid about forming any ongoing rela-
tionships with people that her best friend is blind (and therefore cannot
see how youthful Adaline stays over the years), and she moves to a dif-
ferent city every decade where she assumes a new identity.
Now at age 107, but still appearing 29, Adaline is about to leave
her current identity and become someone else when she unexpectedly
meets Ellis Jones (Huisman), a handsome philanthropist whose intelli-
gence, charm, generosity, and creativity win her heart—despite her best
efforts to stay aloof. In addition to his persistence, Ellis promises to
bring her flowers and delivers a bouquet of books with flowers in their
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titles (Daisy Miller, etc.) to the library where she works. This thoughtful
romantic gesture helps her turn the page in their budding relationship.
More problems come her way when she meets his family, but that’s
another love lesson. (For more on The Age of Adaline, see Love Lesson
106 in Chapter Seven: Old Flames.)
The Lesson: Ellis’s charm, good looks, wealth, persistence, and gen-
erosity likely had a cumulative effect on softening Adaline’s firm stance
against getting romantically involved. However, his gift certainly sealed
the deal and convinced her to go out with him. Even an immortal
couldn’t resist such intelligence, creativity, and thoughtfulness. Had he
brought her a regular bouquet of flowers, like so many men in the past
must have done, she might have been tempted for a moment, but prob-
ably would have assumed her new identity without ever having given
herself and Ellis a chance at love.
Love Language: Sometimes when holidays, birthdays, or other spe-
cial occasions arrive, you have to openly tell someone what you want as
a gift, ask someone what they want, or tell someone what you’re giving
them. Even so, try to keep some element of surprise to your gift-giving.
Whether the variable is color, shape, size, brand, style, or symbol, use your
imagination to make every present you give uniquely from you.
LOVE LESSON 37: DON’T GET ATTACHED TO THE GIFT’S OUTCOME.

Message in a Bottle (1999)
Director: Luis Mandoki
Stars: Kevin Costner, Robin Wright
Theresa (Wright), a young single mother and researcher for the Chicago
Tribune, finds a heartfelt love note in a bottle floating in the ocean that
is addressed to “Catherine.” She’s determined to find out who sent the
message and why. She shows the letter to a coworker, who writes about the
message in his column, which brings forth enormous reader interest and
two more messages found by others, all written on the same stationery.
Research reveals the letter writer’s name and location: Garrett Blake (Cost-
ner), a shipbuilder on the coast of the Carolinas. Still intrigued, Theresa
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Giving Gifts
visits the area, pretending to be a tourist, and takes a ride on his boat. They
feel some chemistry and enjoy more time together during her brief stay.
Mementos of his late wife still fill Garrett’s home, and his former
in-laws unfairly blame him for her death and for hoarding her artwork.
Theresa notes this tension between the families, Garrett’s loneliness since
his wife’s death, and his cautiousness about exploring a new relationship
with her. Although she also shares information about herself, she pur-
posely neglects to mention finding his message in a bottle and reading
the other two letters.
After Theresa returns to Chicago, Garrett visits her to see what may
develop with their relationship. He arrives with a box of chocolates for
her and a toy car for her son. When it’s revealed she doesn’t like choc-
olates but her son loves them, they switch gifts. Theresa also has a gift
for Garrett: a compass so he can always find his way home—a gift that
unfortunately doesn’t work quite as well as it should.
The Lesson: Their romantic reunion. The festive gift-giving. Garrett’s
visit to the big city. What could possibly go wrong? As in so many other
romantic movies—especially those based on books by Nicholas Sparks—
what goes wrong is when one person finds out the other has been lying
to them all along or at least omitting the truth, and then things go from
bad to worse. Despite the thoughtful gifts, Theresa’s deceit and a cruel
twist of fate doom this love between a researcher and a shipbuilder. (For
another man who builds boats by hand, see Love Lesson 33 in Chapter
Two: Dating Services.)
Love Language: Write your partner a love letter about all the things
you would miss about him or her if the relationship ended.
LOVE LESSON 38: DON’T GIVE THE RIGHT GIFT TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Love Actually (2003)
Director: Richard Curtis
Stars: Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman
In the British romantic comedy Love Actually, the romantic relationships

of several couples are explored, including the faltering marriage of a
43
middle-aged couple, Karen (Thompson) and Harry (Rickman). Though

their interest in each other is waning, they keep most of their emotions
hidden. As Christmas approaches, Harry’s attractive secretary becomes
increasingly more direct in her flirtations with the boss. Her suggestive
comments pique his interest, and soon he’s buying her a beautiful gold
necklace costing more than two hundred pounds and dancing with her at
the office Christmas party, in addition to what’s going on between them
behind closed doors.
At home, Karen assumes everything is fine between herself and her
husband, and naturally believes the necklace is for her when she discovers
it by accident in his jacket pocket. Without mentioning her discovery to
Harry, Karen quietly plans for a merry Christmas as the recipient of her
husband’s generous gift. When their gift exchange arrives and she opens
her package to find a Joni Mitchell CD, Karen suffers the humiliating
realization that Harry bought the necklace for someone else. Now she’s
faced with the decision of whether to stay with him or get a divorce.
The Lesson: Although Karen attempts to forgive Harry’s trans-
gression—perhaps for their children’s benefit, for financial security, or
because she still loves him—the pain remains. Harry’s decision to have an
affair with his secretary is foolish; buying his new mistress an expensive
necklace while purchasing a cheap CD for his loyal wife and mother of
his children is even more foolish. Taking the secretary’s extravagant gift
home with him is positively moronic. The initial joy Karen experiences
upon finding the gift turns into disbelief, hurt, grief, anger, and resent-
ment as the full realization hits her that the gift is for someone else. The
heartbreaking scene where she cries alone to a Joni Mitchell song shows
how she suffers alone rather than share it with her husband. She’ll likely
be checking his coat pockets for many years to come unless she learns to
trust him again. (For another lesson from Love Actually, see Love Lesson
180 in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.)
Love Language: It isn’t merely his secretary’s persistence that causes
the affair. Something is missing in their marriage that leaves Harry
vulnerable to the advances of another woman. Karen and Harry need
to lower their protective shields, relax their stiff upper lips, and discuss
ways to strengthen the relationship. Take periodic inventory of your
44
Giving Gifts
relationship with your partner to guard against affairs, rather than saving
the discussion for after one or both partners have been hurt by infidelity.
LOVE LESSON 39: HARD-TO-FIND GIFTS MAKE THE GESTURE EVEN MORE SPECIAL.
Runaway Bride (1999)
Director: Garry Marshall
Stars: Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, Rita Wilson
It’s difficult to imagine any woman running away from a man who looks
like Richard Gere, but runaway bride Maggie Carpenter (Roberts) has a
long history of abandoning men at the altar. Gere plays Ike Graham, a big-
city newspaper columnist and jazz musician who writes about Maggie’s
man-eating ways in a USA Today article, which is filled with half-truths
from a single source that were never verified. When Maggie complains to
the editor, Ike gets fired for fudging the story. He then visits Maggie in
her small Maryland town to watch her jilt yet another heartbroken groom.
Upon his arrival, Ike and Maggie immediately set out to destroy
what’s left of each other’s credibility. Sparks fly and soon he’s beginning
to see why she gets so many proposals. Her incredibly accurate instincts
about men lead her to give Ike a 30-year-old LP of the original recording
of Miles Davis’s Kind of Blue. When he marvels at how hard the record
is to find, she casually replies, “It was in the attic. It was just sitting there
gathering dust.” Yeah, right. The way Maggie downplays the value of the
album makes it (and her) even more special to Ike.
The Lesson: Would Ike have fallen in love with Maggie even if she
had given him a new jazz compilation CD she bought online, instead of
a rare original LP that she hunted around her attic to find? Of course. And
what if Ike’s ex-wife (Wilson), not Maggie, had given him the thoughtful
Miles Davis album? Would he have broken up her new marriage and
gotten back together with her, completely forgetting about the attractive
runaway bride? Of course not. This is Richard Gere and Julia Roberts
we’re talking about! But what about in your life? There’s a good chance a
thoughtful search for something unique and hard-to-find will produce a
better response than a gift card to a hardware store.
45
Love Language: Listen carefully to what your partner says to find

ideas for a unique, hard-to-find gift. Depending on the item, try garage
sales, antiques stores, thrift shops, flea markets, consignment stores,
classified ads, mail-order catalogues, online auctions, and Internet
searches to find the perfect gift. Start your search early—long before
you actually need the gift—and don’t get discouraged if you can’t find
it in time for the desired birthday or holiday. Eventually that record,
book, dish, hat, or Mighty Mouse lunch box will turn up somewhere,
maybe even in your attic.
LOVE LESSON 40: LOOK FOR A GIFT WITH SYMBOLIC MEANING.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003)
Director: Sam Weisman
Stars: David Spade, Mary McCormack
Genre: Comedy
Dickie Roberts (Spade), an emotionally troubled 30-something former

child star, wants to regain his stardom and reunite with his estranged
stage mother. He tries to accomplish this by auditioning for a choice
part in a new Rob Reiner movie. Before he can audition for the role of
an average, everyday man, however, he needs to understand this kind of
mentality, having never experienced a traditional childhood, since his
parents abandoned him as a boy when his television show got canceled.
So Dickie hires a family of four to house him and treat him as a beloved
child for one month.
Dickie starts the assignment with hostility and condescension, criti-
cizing the family’s wholesome rituals. But after a while, he forms a gen-
uine friendship with the children and a mutually fulfilling relationship
with their mom, Grace Finney (McCormack). In addition to the many
intangible gifts he receives from the family, Grace gives him a special
present: the game Candy Land, which represents his only happy child-
hood memory before his parents left him. Grace’s thoughtful, symbolic
gift extends far beyond her assumed duties, and awakens Dickie to a new
world where motives are based on love rather than money.
46
Giving Gifts
The Lesson: Early in his relationship with the Finney family, Dickie
confides that playing Candy Land with his parents remains his happiest
memory. But what if no one had paid attention to the ramblings of an
emotionally troubled man fixated on his lost youth? Suppose Grace for-
got about his mentioning Candy Land and merely supplied him with the
required games, toys, and tools necessary for learning his film role. Dickie
probably would have thanked the family for their efforts and flown off to
shoot the movie—never to return. If Grace had not broadened her des-
ignated role as hired mom into trusted friend, it’s unlikely Dickie would
have broadened his role either from a selfish taker into a caring giver.
Love Language: The best way to find ideas for highly creative,
uniquely personal, deeply symbolic gifts is to listen and observe. What
hobbies do they pursue? Which books or magazines do they read?
What kind of movies do they enjoy? Which subject do they talk about
most? Pay close attention and you’ll soon realize which gift ventures
far beyond the mere ritual of gift-giving and symbolizes something
meaningful for the recipient.
LOVE LESSON 41: GIVE A GIFT THAT IS RIGHT FOR THE RECIPIENT, NOT RIGHT
FOR YOU.
Annie Hall (1977)
Director: Woody Allen
Stars: Woody Allen, Diane Keaton
In Woody Allen’s classic relationship movie about opposites attracting,

happy-go-lucky lounge singer Annie Hall (Keaton) and perpetually
gloomy comedy writer Alvy Singer (Allen) strike up a romance against
all odds after meeting at the tennis club. He’s a serious intellectual, and
she’s a total goofball, but maybe somehow they can work things out with
their mutual collection of neuroses.
Unfortunately, a foreshadowing of how mismatched this couple
really is (on-screen and in their former off-screen relationship) comes
early in the film when they visit a bookstore: She buys herself a book on
47
cats, and he buys her two books as gifts, Death and Western Thought and
The Denial of Death. He wants Annie to become more acquainted with
his favorite obsession. Although he would relish receiving such gifts,
to Annie it’s just another reason for her to worry that she’s not smart
enough for him. It’s also an early indication that her superficiality might
someday interfere with their happiness as a couple. The situation becomes
even more complicated when they move in together and he’s surrounded
by her other easy-reading books on cats and poetry. Sure, Alvy’s gift
books are probably self-serving, but at least they aren’t regifted.
The Lesson: If Alvy had purchased the book on cats for her and Annie
had bought the books on death for him, the movie might have had a
much happier ending. It would have indicated that each was willing to
do what it takes to make the other happy. Instead, throughout the course
of their relationship, both try to make the other conform to their way of
thinking and behaving—a sure sign of a doomed relationship.
Love Language: What makes a bad gift? A gift purchased simply
because it makes the giver happy. When selecting gifts for romantic
partners (or anyone else), keep in mind their favorite color, their indi-
vidual style, and their personal taste, not yours. And remember, even a
much-loved gift may have a limited life span. If your gift has outlived its
usefulness, it might end up selling for a quarter at the next garage sale,
and thus become someone else’s thoughtful, hard-to-find gift (see Love
Lesson 39). When you can’t come up with any ideas on your own no
matter how hard you listen for clues, just ask what gift you should buy
instead of making a wrong decision.
LOVE LESSON 42: THERE’S MORE TO ROMANTIC GIFT-GIVING THAN JUST A RING.
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Two
Towers (2002), The Return of the King (2003)
Director: Peter Jackson
Stars: Viggo Mortensen, Liv Tyler, Miranda Otto
Genre: Action/Adventure Fantasy
J. R. R. Tolkien’s assorted inhabitants of Middle Earth know a lit-

tle something about romance as well as how to wage mighty battles
48
Giving Gifts
between magical forces of good and evil. The elvish Lady Arwen (Tyler)
gives the human Aragorn (Mortensen) a special necklace, which he
wears for every occasion whether it matches his battle armor or not.
Despite their interspecies romance and his many fearless battles, Ara-
gorn displays unswerving loyalty to his love. In times of trouble (or
temptation), he handles the ornament and thinks of her. Although
Lady Arwen’s father strongly discourages their relationship—Éowyn
(Otto) also is in love with Aragorn, and there’s that nasty business with
the Hobbits and that gold ring—the lovely necklace remains a potent
symbol of their forbidden love.
Surrounded by so much ugliness and evil, Aragorn keeps a shining
sword in his hand and the gleaming pendant close to his heart. His loy-
alty to Lady Arwen, as evidenced by his care for the necklace, makes a
nice contrast to the treachery associated with all who come into contact
with the mesmerizing magic of the ring.
The Lesson: Originally, Aragorn resists taking the necklace. What if
Lady Arwen hadn’t persisted in giving this token of her love? Without
the tangible reminder of his elvish admirer, would he be more reckless
going into battles, less motivated to recover from his near-death experi-
ence, or yield to the temptation of the equally beautiful Éowyn? The Lord
of the Rings trilogy might have been wrapped up in one brisk ninety-
minute movie if Aragorn ever seriously doubted Arwen’s love. Before the
ring, after the ring, in addition to the ring, or instead of the ring, symbolic
wearable jewelry makes a perfect reminder of someone’s love.
Love Language: Friendship rings, class rings, engagement rings, and
wedding rings trace the ongoing commitment of a relationship. But you
needn’t be hampered by tradition. Instead of (or in addition to) rings,
why not select jewelry items with shapes (e.g., hearts, keys, dollar signs,
flowers) and/or stones (e.g., birthstones, diamonds are always nice) that
reflect something about your unique relationship with that special per-
son? You can even find replicas of Arwen’s Evenstar Pendant Necklace
for sale at sci-fi shops and on the Internet. You might want to discuss
buying matching jewelry with your partner.
49
LOVE LESSON 43: AN UNEXPECTED AND/OR UNDESERVED GIFT GETS NOTICED.

Director: Joan Micklin Silver
Stars: Amy Irving, Peter Riegert
In Crossing Delancey, snobby Isabelle (Irving) treats her potential down-

to-earth suitor, Sam (Riegert), with only lukewarm interest, yet he buys
her a big floppy hat as a symbol that she should try something new in her
life. (For another love lesson from Crossing Delancey, see Love Lesson 20
in Chapter Two: Dating Services.)
WARNER BROTHERS/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: KEN HOWARD
50
Giving Gifts
LOVE LESSON 44: ASK AND THE UNIVERSE PROVIDES.

Notting Hill (1999)
Director: Roger Michell
Stars: Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts
Set in England’s quaint Notting Hill area, travel bookstore owner Wil-
liam Thacker (Grant) meets the beautiful American film star Anna Scott
(Roberts). Although her visits to England are busy with film work and
complicated by sleazy paparazzi and tabloid reporters, the two opposites
begin an on-again, off-again romantic relationship. Recovering from a
recent divorce, living a “half-life,” and plagued by financial trouble that
requires taking in a ridiculously annoying lodger, William knows Anna is
way out of his league. He’s no match for her in terms of power, prestige,
or income. Yet romantically, they’re a fine match indeed.
As a small gesture of her affection, Anna gives William an original
Marc Chagall painting from her home in America (that for her symbol-
izes romance) to replace his framed print of the artwork. Technically, he
didn’t actually ask her (or the universe) for the original. Who would? He
merely voiced his appreciation for the artwork, and thereby inadvertently
planted a seed for something wonderful to grow. The gift—along with
the even greater gift of Anna’s love—may help convince William that
simply by asking the universe for what he wants and accepting what is
offered, he can return to living a full life after all.
The Lesson: Honestly expressing your likes and dislikes to someone
who loves you is crucial to maintaining your self-respect, and if you’re
with the right person, he or she will make it easier for you. Typically you
won’t receive priceless pieces of artwork for speaking up, but you will get
closer to obtaining what you want out of life if you praise what you have
and remain open to something even better. (For another lesson from
Notting Hill, see Love Lesson 8 in Chapter One: Meeting Cute.)
Love Language: Look around your home for something beautiful you
once purchased or received as a gift. Use your senses to fully appreciate
the item and remember how it came into your possession. Try moving it
to a new location within your home where it will enrich a different space.
51
If appropriate, write to the person who gave it to you and express your
renewed appreciation for the gift.
LOVE LESSON 45: DON’T LET ANGER OBSCURE THE THOUGHTFULNESS OF A GIFT.
The Wedding Singer (1998)
Director: Frank Coraci
Stars: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
Stood up at his own wedding, Robbie Hart (Sandler) has learned to

hate romance, love, and the holy bonds of matrimony. Unfortunately, he
makes his meager living as a wedding singer (and at the occasional Bar
Mitzvah) performing other people’s music. He also gives singing lessons
to an elderly woman who pays him in meatballs. This helps explain why
he lives in the basement of his married sister’s house, rather than a place
of his own.
When his cute waitress friend, Julia Sullivan (Barrymore), becomes
engaged to a rich, philandering poser, Robbie unleashes some of his
pent-up anger toward her the next time they meet. But his timing couldn’t
be worse: Julia is visiting him with a handmade gift for her special friend—
personalized sheet music to encourage him to fulfill his dream of writing
and performing his own music. Hurt by his unprovoked verbal attack, she
tosses the stack of sheet music into the wind. After the damage is done,
Robbie realizes the injustice of his hurtful remarks, and the thoughtfulness
of her gift. And what about his newly discovered romantic feelings for her?
Between her engagement and his angry outburst, this singer’s chances of
romancing Julia have hit a decidedly sour note.
The Lesson: Robbie’s immaturity reveals itself through his frequent
rants and rages. Granted, he’s had a run of bad luck, but perhaps his
negative attitude toward life and inappropriate ways of handling anger
account for most of the unpleasant experiences that keep coming his way.
His defeatist philosophy that because he’s miserable, he wants everyone
else to be miserable, too, only attracts more misery to him.
Love Language: Praising others for their achievements and happy
occasions feels almost as good as if the praise is being lavished on you.
52
Giving Gifts
So practice being grateful, giving thanks, and providing positive energy

to those around you, and see if that positive energy comes back to you.
LOVE LESSON 46: IF YOU BROKE IT, LOST IT, OR DAMAGED IT, THEN REPLACE IT.
Along Came Polly (2004)
Director: John Hamburg
Stars: Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston
Reuben (Stiller) is a senior risk-assessment analyst who doesn’t believe in

taking chances in life. He likes sure things and low-risk situations. His
recent tropical honeymoon should have been the safest place to take his
new wife, yet it turned out to be the riskiest when she cheats on him with
a scuba instructor. Now back to his old life and separated from his bride,
he hangs out with friends, works with a new client, and tries to figure out
what to do with the house he just bought.
At an art opening, Reuben runs into freewheeling Polly (Aniston), a
girl he knew in school. After striking up a conversation, they agree to go
out to dinner together at a Middle Eastern restaurant. A longtime suf-
ferer from irritable bowel syndrome, Reuben knows he should stay away
from spicy foods that upset his digestive tract. Afraid of doing anything
that might cause the commitment-phobic hippie chick to change her
mind, he agrees to the restaurant anyway. That night, he gets stomach
cramps at her apartment and has a bathroom emergency, after which he
discovers she is out of toilet paper. In desperation, he wipes with a lovely
hand towel her grandmother embroidered for her. He also uses her new
$200 loofah to help stuff the soiled towel down the toilet, which causes
a flood on the tile floor.
After this disastrous date, Reuben swallows his pride and calls to
apologize, leaving a message on her voicemail. Amazingly, she calls back,
suggesting they start over and “forget about the whole loofah thing.”
When they meet again for the next date, he brings her a new loofah as a
gift. The apology and the gift help repair the damage.
The Lesson: It doesn’t get much more embarrassing than having a
gastrointestinal emergency on a first date, overflowing your date’s toilet,
53
and ruining her bathing items in the process. In keeping with Reuben’s
aversion to risk-taking, he could have avoided seeing Polly in the future,
deemed this relationship another failure to add to his list, and pretended
like the bathroom debacle never occurred. Instead, his desire to see Polly
again was greater than his fear of rejection. In fact, he even bought her
a new loofah to make amends, which was the right thing to do in these
circumstances. If their relationship should lead to marriage, the $200
loofah story certainly would amuse the grandkids. (For another lesson
from Along Came Polly, see Love Lesson 189 in Chapter Twelve: Wed-
ding Plans, and for Ben Stiller in a role reversal, see The Heartbreak Kid,
Lesson 190 in Chapter Twelve.)
Love Language: Reuben’s codependency (i.e., not admitting before-
hand that he doesn’t enjoy spicy food because it aggravates his condition)
was largely to blame for his IBS flare-up. He probably doesn’t get sick
every time he tries ethnic food, but the risk is great enough that he
should have voiced his concern. He could blame Polly for picking the
restaurant or criticize her for not having adequate bathroom supplies, but
ultimately he made a series of bad decisions, and he owes her the apology.
Although it’s easy to rationalize our mistakes and find blame elsewhere, if
you say or do the wrong thing, it’s up to you to apologize for your actions
and repair any physical or emotional damages caused by your actions.
Healthy partners, friends, and family will accept your apology and (if
appropriate) offer one of their own as well. Typically, mistakes are not
entirely one person’s fault.
LOVE LESSON 47: MAKE SURE YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE WHEN YOU
GIVE A GOOD-BYE GIFT.
Say Anything (1989)
Stars: John Cusack, Ione Skye, John Mahoney, Joan Cusack
High school senior Diane Court (Skye) lives happily with her single
father (Mahoney), until she goes out with kick-boxing instructor Lloyd
54
Giving Gifts
Dobler ( John Cusack) and her father runs into legal trouble for embez-
zlement. Lloyd’s unabashed affection makes her feel uncomfortable
because she’s soon leaving for a prestigious college in England. She also
feels tremendous guilt at having a good time—including a passionate
night on the beach with Lloyd—when her presumably innocent father is
enduring such hard times.
Mr. Court advises his daughter to break up with Lloyd and give him
a pen as a going-away present. While Lloyd gives her his heart and soul
in a letter (and his body in the car at the beach), and watches out for
broken glass in the parking lot so she won’t get hurt, the confused and
misguided Diane gives him a pen in return for his love and consideration
as she unceremoniously dumps him. Although Lloyd consults his sister
( Joan Cusack) and an assortment of friends for help, no one can console
him. An eventual change of heart makes Diane reconsider, and together
they re-gift the pen to a more deserving recipient in an effort to undo the
damage she caused with the inconsiderate gift.
The Lesson: Diane’s abrupt ending of their relationship, along with
the trivial gift suggested by her father, must have felt like one of those
“lovely parting gifts” they provide for losers on game shows. Following a
parent’s advice works well when that parent is clearheaded, loving, and
nonjudgmental. In this case, Diane took bad advice, rushed into a pre-
mature breakup, and gave her lover a pen for his troubles. Because her
feelings for Lloyd had not changed, the best course of action would have
been talking things over with him before making any decisions about
their relationship. By reaffirming her decision to leave for college, she and
Lloyd could have discussed other options (including, but not limited to,
breaking up) for when she begins classes in the fall.
Love Language: There’s no easy way to break up, separate, or divorce
without someone getting hurt. When you’re the one initiating the
split, speak with compassion to the other person . . . and don’t end a
relationship by text or e-mail. You also might want to skip the lovely
parting gift.
55
LOVE LESSON 48: WORDS MAY DECEIVE, BUT FACIAL EXPRESSIONS DON’T LIE.
Meet the Parents (2000)
Director: Jay Roach
Stars: Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro
In Meet the Parents, Greg (Stiller) doesn’t need a polygraph machine to

know something is wrong when he brings a rare plant as a gift to his
girlfriend’s father, Jack (De Niro), to impress the retired florist before
asking if he can marry his daughter, but Jack’s reaction is complete dis-
interest because he’s secretly a retired CIA interrogation specialist with
no knowledge of flowers whatsoever. (For another lesson from Meet the
Parents, see Love Lesson 104 in Chapter Seven: Old Flames.)
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST
56
Giving Gifts
LOVE LESSON 49: GIVE A PET ONLY TO AN ESTABLISHED ANIMAL LOVER.

Rocky (1976)
Director: John G. Avildsen
Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire
Genre: Romantic Sports Drama
Most people familiar with the Rocky movies will remember this first film
as being the most romantic in the series. It’s where amateur boxer Rocky
Balboa (Stallone) frequently visits the neighborhood pet store to buy
supplies and talk to the shop’s painfully shy clerk, Adrian (Shire). Rocky
hangs out at the pet store buying items for his turtles and flirting with
Adrian, until she finally agrees to a date. One date leads to another, until
Rocky and Adrian form a strong and supportive relationship that helps
both develop some much-needed self-respect.
Rocky is a poor, uneducated, street-smart Philadelphia man, far bet-
ter at cracking heads than cracking the books. As his confidence builds
through the relationship, his career also gets a well-needed boost, until
he is well on his way to actualizing the American dream: a career, wife,
and 2.5 children. Rounding out the all-American dream is a dog named
Butkus (Stallone’s real-life pet at the time), a gift from Adrian to con-
firmed animal-lover Rocky. The dog is a perfect gift because it serves as
a reminder of how they met and provides another outlet for their love.
The Lesson: Each Easter, countless bunnies are given as gifts to chil-
dren, who inevitably grow tired of cleaning out their smelly little cages.
There’s a rise in Dalmatian sales every time a remake of 101 Dalmatians
hits the big screen. Stuart Little? There’s probably the same phenomenon
with mice. Adrian sets a good example by making sure the recipient
of her gift is a true animal lover before giving him a pet. (For another
rugged pet lover, see Love Lesson 34 in Chapter Two: Dating Services.)
Love Language: The dog serves an additional role in the Rocky-
Adrian relationship. When they move in together and become an offi-
cial couple, Butkus stands in for a child. As they learn to live together
and care for the dog, it helps them practice their parenting skills and
get ready for their future together (see Rocky II, III, IV, and V for more
information about that future). If you’re considering moving in with
57
your partner or getting married, talk about whether adopting a pet from
an animal shelter or buying one from the neighborhood pet store could
help your relationship.
LOVE LESSON 50: REFUSING A GIFT HURTS THE GIVER AND RECEIVER.
Kung Fu Hustle (2004)
Director: Stephen Chow
Stars: Stephen Chow, Shengyi Huang
Genre: Martial Arts Action/Comedy
This film contains an unusual blend of cartoonish humor, gory violence,

and a tender love story set in 1940s Canton, China. A young man named
Sing (Chow) desperately wants to become a member of the notorious
Axe Gang, a brutal group of kung fu thugs that rule the surrounding
towns. His desire to fight on the side of evil stems from a childhood
experience where he learned that nice guys finish last. As a boy, he had
studied martial arts from a cheap pamphlet made by a con man, and
was ill-prepared when a gang of boys bullied Fong, a young mute girl,
by attempting to steal her colorful lollipop. Sing defended the girl and
rescued the lollipop, but received a beating from the boys followed by a
humiliating rain of urine while he was on the ground writhing in pain.
Afterward the girl tried to give him the lollipop as thanks, but he ignored
her and ran away.
Presently, Sing trains for the Axe Gang by committing petty crimes
as he builds to larger acts of violence. During this time, he robs an ice-
cream cart on the sidewalk, whose owner is the same mute girl, now a
beautiful woman (Huang). She cries at his acts of violence—perhaps
because she needs the money he steals, fears for her life, or is mourning
the person he has become—but he doesn’t recognize her until she uses
sign language to indicate that she knows him and reaches into a colorful
box to retrieve the original lollipop he rescued for her all those years ago.
She offers it to him again—this time as a peace offering. Quickly recov-
ering from the shock of seeing her again, Sing stays true to his mission
of violence and angrily swats the candy from her hand, and it crashes
against the pavement.
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Giving Gifts
Sing continues to close his heart and mind to the good person he
was, so he can focus on the mobster he wants to become. After a series of
dangerous adventures and a massive kung fu battle, he has a third chance
with Fong, and manages to get it right this time.
The Lesson: Sing was lucky to get three chances in life to right the
same wrong. His self-esteem issues may have had their origins at home
(his home life is not depicted), but certainly were aggravated, if not
entirely caused, by the incident with Fong and the bullies. Without a
mature adult helping him process the experience properly, his childish
mind concluded four things from that encounter: being naive allows oth-
ers (such as the con man who sold him the pamphlet) to take advantage
of you; gangs have more power than individuals; good guys don’t always
win; and a defeat is even worse when witnessed by someone who looks
up to you. Although the event would have been traumatic for almost
anyone, Sing may have grown from it had he consulted a trusted relative
or advisor for help, instead of stuffing the fear and shame inside him until
it warped his mind.
Love Language: In Kung Fu Hustle, Sing must speak Fong’s language
to communicate with her. Literally, he must learn sign language for their
relationship to continue, but figuratively, he needs to learn the language
of love, rather than hate. Are there people in your life who best speak
the language of hate? Can you try communicating with them using love,
regardless of how they speak to you?
LOVE LESSON 51: IF THE GIFT COMES WITH CONDITIONS, MAKE THOSE
CONDITIONS CLEAR TO THE RECIPIENT.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
Director: Ang Lee
Stars: Zhang Ziyi, Chang Chen
Genre: Martial Arts Historical Fantasy
This adventure begins in nineteenth-century China two weeks before

Jen Yu (Zhang), a young martial arts student and daughter of the gov-
ernor, must wed a man she doesn’t love in a politically correct arranged
marriage. During an outing with her entourage, Jen encounters a wanted
59
criminal known as Dark Cloud (Chang), who steals her decorative comb,
which she boldly attempts to retrieve. She is then kidnapped (more or
less) by the sexy bandit and held a voluntary prisoner in his cave, where
she gets a crash course in what her wifely duties will eventually entail.
She enjoys her tutelage enormously and stays to learn more.
Jen finally leaves Dark Cloud to return to her privileged life in
the city, but leaves her special comb with him to be returned when the
lovers meet again. Amid a series of murders, political pressures, and the
parallel conflicts of an older set of lovers, Dark Cloud goes to extraor-
dinary lengths to deliver the comb to Jen, who hides a dangerous secret
from those around her. Upon delivering the comb, Dark Cloud receives
a less-than-delighted response from the refined young lady that he
hadn’t anticipated.
The Lesson: People often give material or verbal tokens of love, lust,
and appreciation during the heat of the moment when chemicals swirling
through their bodies make rational thought next to impossible. These are
not the best times to be giving gifts that we want returned to us later after
our minds have cleared. (See Love Lesson 37 in this chapter for another
perspective on gift-giving conditions.)
Love Language: When parting from a friend, lover, or relative, be
careful offering any kind of conditional gift that needs follow-up action.
Give freely and speak kindly from your heart, but don’t risk regret later
by anticipating how you will feel in the future.
LOVE LESSON 52: A GIFT’S TRUE VALUE HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH COST.
The Last Dragon (1985)
Director: Michael Schultz
Stars: Taimak, Vanity
On the mean streets of Harlem, Leroy Green (Taimak), a young, black

kung fu student, struggles to use his martial arts wisely in his violent
environment. He carries a shiny medallion that his revered instructor
presented to him upon completing his classes, and longs to find the true
kung fu master (presumably living in the vicinity of Harlem) and present
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Giving Gifts
him with the medallion as a symbol of his respect. He looks everywhere,

including inside a fortune cookie factory run by goons who steal his
medallion, until he breaks through the doors to retrieve it, but still cannot
find the elusive master.
Leroy’s prized possession gets lost during a fight he has with street
thugs who try to kidnap Laura Charles (Vanity), the beautiful host of
a local television dance show that’s enormously popular in the area.
Although he rejects her offer of working as her bodyguard, he does take
an immediate interest in her body. Laura finds the medallion in the after-
math of the struggle, and in appreciation for Leroy’s rescue, presents it to
him hanging on a ribbon so he’ll never lose it again. His rescue and her
gift begin a romantic relationship defined by more rescues, more gifts, a
private screening of Bruce Lee movies, and some much-needed instruc-
tions for Leroy on the art of lovemaking.
The Lesson: By returning Leroy’s medallion, Laura proves her hon-
esty. By returning the medallion attached to a ribbon, she displays her
thoughtfulness. Laura’s small—though significant—gesture helps rein-
force Leroy’s belief in his quest. As a famous television star who normally
doesn’t fraternize with common folks, she could have given him back
his possession without the ribbon and her candid claim that “I know
what it’s like to lose precious things.” If she had done this, however,
inexperienced Leroy might not have realized the popular celebrity also
has a vulnerable side that needs love, security, and, in this particular case,
protection by a kung fu master. (For another lesson from The Last Dragon,
see Love Lesson 158 in Chapter Ten: Sweet Temptations.)
Love Language: A thoughtful gift can speak volumes about your love,
but may have low or no cost involved. The most valuable gifts are those
that fill needs currently not met. A colorful new journal may inspire your
frustrated writer to pen more love sonnets about you. A unique mouse
pad might make the computer whiz in your life think of you with every
click. Put plenty of thought into selecting even simple, everyday gifts that
reinforce the recipient’s positive self-image.
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Chapter Four
DATE NIGHTS
Dating in movies, like real life, doesn’t always go as planned,

and the amount spent on the date can have little to do with its outcome.
For instance, you can spend the entire date driving around town on a
scavenger hunt for bitter melon tea and have a wonderful time, or you
can stay at the fanciest hotel in the city drinking champagne and eating
chocolate-dipped strawberries on the concierge floor and be miserable.
A fabulous date night has more to do with chemistry and connection
than anything else.
Most of the selected films present scenes from first dates, but some
represent experiences later in the dating cycle (Down with Love, How
to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Love & Mercy) when first-time jitters are no
longer an issue. Even without butterflies in the stomach and stars in the
eyes, couples have been known to say and do the exact things that will
sabotage the budding relationship. Outrageous faux pas and lousy dates
can sometimes still be salvaged by doing little things to fix them, such as
giving up your window seat on the airplane, moving glass out of the way
on the sidewalk, or remembering how your significant other likes eggs
cooked. Or maybe what’s really important is just finding someone who’ll
say “God bless you” when you sneeze.
The following movies provide examples of what to do and not do,
where to go and not go, what to say and not say, what to wear and not
wear, and so much more. So from low-budget spontaneous dates (Nick
& Norah’s Infinite Playlist) to meticulously planned dating adventures
with a celebrity (My Date with Drew), you can watch your favorite stars
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Date Nights
turn what should be perfect dates into disasters, and transform disastrous
dates into perfect opportunities for love to develop and grow.
LOVE LESSON 53: EXPLORE EVERY REASONABLE POSSIBILITY TO GET THE DATE
YOU WANT.
My Date with Drew (2004)
Directors: Jon Gunn, Brian Herzlinger, Brett Winn
Stars: Drew Barrymore, Brian Herzlinger, Joe Gunn, Brett Winn
Genre: Documentary
In the strange true case of filmmaker Brian Herzlinger, he and his two
filmmaker friends (Gunn and Winn) made a documentary about his
efforts to get a date with actress Drew Barrymore. Although he’s had
a lifelong crush on her and always wanted to meet her, he never really
expected his dream to become a reality. While competing on a game
show, Brian won $1,100 with the answer “Drew Barrymore” and took
that as a sign he was fated to go on a date with her—or at least make a
movie about trying to do it. He enlisted the help of his friends (The Drew
Crew) and called in favors to every neighbor, associate, and celebrity he
knew who could possibly connect him with Drew or her handlers.
Brian launched a website to generate interest and support among other
Barrymore fans, and taking advantage of a retail store’s lenient thirty-day
return policy on video equipment, decided to spend exactly thirty days
and $1,100 documenting his quest to get a date with the woman he had
always loved from afar. He hired a Drew lookalike to practice conversation
with him. He begged his parents for additional funds. He worked with a
personal trainer to improve his body, and paid for a facial and body hair
removal. Although mostly using the six-degrees-of-separation technique
to meet his ultimate goal, Brian also enlisted less scrupulous tactics, such
as creating a fake press badge for entering the world premiere of Charlie’s
Angels Full Throttle. Ultimately, his efforts were not in vain, and Brian more
or less got what he had worked so hard to achieve.
The Lesson: While there’s nothing praise-worthy or entertaining
about fans stalking celebrities, Brian’s very public efforts to have one
date with Drew seems like harmless fun for the popular actress and
63
the date of a lifetime for the young filmmaker. His creative attempts to
make the date occur—all without breaking any laws or coming on as a
creeper—show how persistent he was in meeting two goals: getting the
date and making a movie.
Love Language: What’s the most unusual, outrageous, or expensive
thing you’ve ever done to get a date with someone, or that someone has
done to get a date with you? In the end, was it worth the effort?
LOVE LESSON 54: YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE.
21 Jump Street (2012)
Directors: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller
Stars: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Brie Larson
Genre: Action Comedy
Schmidt (Hill) was the stereotypical nerd in high school—smart, awk-

ward, unstylish, and uncomfortable with girls. The movie begins with
a flashback to high school where he haltingly mumbles, rambles, and
“chokes” while asking a popular girl to senior prom. Naturally she rejects
him harshly, and the scene is witnessed by Jenko (Tatum), a handsome
jock and school bully who rarely earns passing grades. The movie then
cuts to the present day, where Schmidt and Jenko join the police force
and end up as partners. After making a mess of their first assignment, the
two young officers get reassigned to an undercover unit at a local high
school to shut down a drug ring supplying deadly synthetics to teens.
Upon their arrival at the school, Schmidt immediately takes a liking
to Molly (Larson), a sweet girl involved with a dangerous crowd. While
attending classes, working undercover, and pretending to be brothers, the
two officers live with Schmidt’s parents and do their best to blend in with
the younger set. For the first time, Schmidt hangs out with the cool kids,
and Jenko befriends the nerds. As a senior, Molly is too old to be jail-
bait, but for his own safety, Schmidt needs to be careful to maintain his
cover and not get too personally involved with this younger girl, despite
his obvious interest in her. As the end of the school year approaches,
Schmidt finds himself confronted by his past demons as he attempts
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Date Nights
to ask Molly to the prom. Haunted by flashbacks of his humiliating

experience when he really was in high school, he successfully manages to
overcome his anxiety and get a date for prom.
The Lesson: Although Schmidt has a history of allowing his lack of
self-confidence to affect his ability to perform, he finally manages to ask
a girl out to senior prom (his second time around). This one baby step
toward feeling confident leads to other more important actions that will
reshape his future.
Love Language: Is there something you’ve been longing to ask your
partner or someone else to do, say, or explain? Try taking that baby step
forward and politely asking for what you want.
LOVE LESSON 55: SPONTANEOUS EXPERIENCES CAN BE THE MOST EXCITING.

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist (2008)
Director: Peter Sollett
Stars: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings, Ari Graynor, Alexis Dziena, Jay
Baruchel
This crazy all-night romp through New York City by two high school
seniors starts like most other nights. When Nick (Cera) ventures out with
his bandmates from the Jerk Offs to play a short gig, he never imagines it
will turn into a spontaneous first-date adventure and the beginning of a
new romantic relationship. After performing, he’s approached by Norah
(Dennings), a stranger who asks him to pretend to be her boyfriend for
five minutes. Her make-out act is intended to show off to her popular
classmate, Tris (Dziena), who just happens to be Nick’s ex-girlfriend,
unbeknownst to Norah. Tris decides she wants Nick back, and Norah’s
on-again, off-again boyfriend (Baruchel) also shows up to hassle Norah
and cause some tension.
The rest of the film concerns Nick and Norah’s efforts to find Caroline
(Graynor), a lost and drunken classmate who depends on Norah’s sobriety
to get her home each time they go out together. Throughout the night,
they visit Caroline’s favorite vomit spots around the city, meet up with the
65
Jerk Offs for assistance, go to church, search for clues about another band’s
secret performance that night, attend a drag show, check the train station,
compare musical preferences, and enjoy physical intimacy at her father’s
recording studio (among other destinations). When morning arrives and
their unofficial date is over, a new romance has begun.
The Lesson: At any point during that chaotic night, Nick or Norah
could have said no to the adventure. Although they briefly separate at
one point, needing structure has nothing to do with it. Their ability to
give up control and go with the flow of events produced a night they will
always remember.
Love Language: If you’d like to try an unstructured date with your
partner, research various activities in your area so you know your options.
Talk about the starting point for the night (the specific where and when
from which the evening will be launched), but don’t plan anything beyond
that—including where you’ll go, what you’ll do, who you’ll see, and when
it will end. Dress comfortably to accommodate multiple situations and
venues, and be prepared to relinquish control over the night’s events as
you give in to the moment. You might also establish a “safe word” to be
used if the situation goes too far beyond your comfort zone.
LOVE LESSON 56: FIND COMFORT IN UNCERTAINTY.

Paper Towns (2015)
Director: Jake Schreier
Stars: Nat Wolff, Cara Delevingne
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Romance
This coming-of-age drama, adapted from the best-selling novel of the

same name by John Green, effectively blends the mystery of a missing
girl, the comedy of a fish out of water, and the romance of a longtime
secret crush finally becoming known. High school senior Quentin Jacob-
sen (Wolff ) constantly worries about getting in trouble, missing a test,
or losing his acceptance to college. He’s quietly spent his entire youth
longing for the neighbor girl, Margo Roth Spiegelman (Delevingne),
who lives across the street from him. She’s as glamorous and popular as
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Date Nights
he is low-key and awkward. Although friends as young children, they

drifted apart over time, and her exciting life filled with boys, adventures,
and drama has no room for Quentin. One night, however, she appears at
his window while he’s sleeping and convinces him to go on an all-night
adventure with her in order to get even with her cheating boyfriend and
those in league with him.
In particular, Margo has nine wrongs she needs to make right. Her
mission involves a trip to the store for outrageous supplies (a catfish,
plastic wrap, hair remover, etc.), breaking into people’s homes, taking
incriminating photographs, dodging bullets, and visiting an abandoned
building that overlooks the city. Throughout the adventure, Quentin must
overcome his fears and embrace Margo’s live-for-the-moment attitude,
or his cautiousness and uncertainty will ruin his big chance of initiating
the long-awaited romance. When he awakens the next morning to find
Margo has vanished, the unprecedented limit-pushing from the night
before gives Quentin the confidence to actively track her whereabouts
and go on a road trip to find her.
The Lesson: A careful planner who leaves nothing to chance, Quentin
learns to find some comfort in the uncertainly of life. He breathlessly
tells Margo, “My heart is pounding,” as they race from danger and make
it safely into the car. She tells him, “That’s the way you should feel your
whole life.” English Romantic poet John Keats created the concept of
Negative Capability, the notion that humans are capable of transcending
intellectual or social constraints and far exceed, creatively or intellectually,
what human nature is thought to allow. He believed we can not only live
with uncertainty and half-knowledge, but be comfortable with the doubt.
Keats wrote that embracing Negative Capability means living with “mys-
teries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact or fiction.” This
ability to find comfort in uncertainty can mean the difference between
living a life of anxiety, disappointment, and fear, and living a life of tran-
quility, acceptance, and love. (For another lesson from Paper Towns, see
Love Lesson 70 in Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
Love Language: Let your partner know when something he or she
says or does makes your heart race with excitement.
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LOVE LESSON 57: SOME STORMS COME WITHOUT WARNING.

Nights in Rodanthe (2008)
Director: George C. Wolfe
Stars: Diane Lane, Richard Gere
In Nights in Rodanthe, Adrienne (Lane) escapes from her failing mar-

riage for a calm weekend at her friend’s North Carolina seaside inn. She
unexpectedly falls in love with a troubled doctor (Gere) staying there
and deals with a major hurricane that traps them inside the building,
before the storm finally subsides and they go on their first real date.
(For another lesson from Nights in Rodanthe, see Love Lesson 67 in
Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
WARNER BROTHERS/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: MICHAEL TACKETT
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Date Nights
LOVE LESSON 58: MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEAR.

Welcome to Me (2014)
Director: Shira Piven
Stars: Kristen Wiig, Wes Bentley
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Alice Klieg (Wiig) makes lots of mistakes. Having suffered most of her
life from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, she
decides to go off her medication, disobey her therapist, neglect her best
friend, take up residence in a reservation casino, engage in promiscuous
behavior, and buy her own talk show for $15 million after winning $86
million in the California lottery. After sitting in the studio audience of
a show hosted by Gabe Ruskin (Bentley), she is so impressed with his
kindness (i.e., need to be liked) and the studio’s willingness to negotiate
(i.e., desperate financial footing) that she agrees to host her show with
the New Vibrance Network where he works. With no acting, directing,
singing, designing, or television production experience, her creative
efforts for the short-term series Welcome to Me often prove ridiculous.
Yet somehow a small, loyal following develops despite the show’s lack of
production value and overall quirkiness.
In the midst of doing so many things wrong, Alice does one thing
exceptionally right when she asks Gabe to have dinner with her. When
he suggests their dinner be about business, she clarifies the date will not
be about business. So when he accepts the offer, they both know where
they stand, which makes a viable beginning for a relationship, regardless
of how dysfunctional the two participants may be.
The Lesson: Living with a condition that makes her life unstable, Alice
takes one step toward stability by expressing what she wants out of their
new relationship. Gabe has the chance to decline, yet ultimately agrees
to the dinner date. Before they get stuck in the friend zone or circle of
business acquaintances, she initiates a romantic encounter to which Gabe
is equally receptive.
Love Language: Discuss a time when your intentions were misunder-
stood because you didn’t clearly ask for what you wanted. How could you
have expressed yourself to achieve the desired results?
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LOVE LESSON 59: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S MOTIVES.
Grand Canyon (1991)
Stars: Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Mary-Louise Parker, Alfre Woodard
Genre: Drama
When Mack (Kline), an immigration attorney, gets rescued from

gun-toting street thugs by Simon (Glover), a mild-mannered tow truck
driver who’s built like a football player, he wants to pay him back for his
kindness. His own marriage is falling apart, and he’s recently had an affair
with his secretary, Dee (Parker), yet Mack feels indebted to Simon for
being in the right place at the right time and doing the right thing, so he
arranges a date for him with Dee’s good friend, Jane (Woodard).
When Simon and Jane meet for the first time and learn that Mack
barely knows either one of them, they assume he played matchmaker
because they are the only two black people he knows. However, by the
end of the first date, they realize they have wonderful chemistry together
and want to pursue the relationship. Regardless of what happens between
them and Mack, they have a chance for happiness.
The Lesson: Simon and Jane assume Mack’s maneuver was racially
motivated, although his true intentions are unknown. He may be
attempting to relieve a guilty conscience, express his gratitude, follow
his intuition, or achieve some other goal. Rather than second-guessing
his motives, for their own peace of mind, Simon and Jane should accept
Mack’s gift without assigning any preconceived motivation to his actions.
(For another lesson from Grand Canyon, see Love Lesson 150 in Chapter
Ten: Sweet Temptations.)
Love Language: When have you made assumptions about people’s
behaviors and been proven wrong? Do you tend to always assume the
worst? See if there’s a pattern to the kind of assumptions you make
about people.
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Date Nights
LOVE LESSON 60: DON’T LET YOUR NEED FOR ROMANTIC CONNECTION LEAD
TO A DISCONNECT FROM EVERYTHING ELSE.
Her (2013)
Director: Spike Jonze
Stars: Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Rooney Mara
Genre: Science Fiction/Romantic Drama
This romantic drama set in the near future concerns the problems
Theodore (Phoenix) has making connections. Real human connections,
that is. He has no trouble talking on his smartphone, sending e-mails,
playing interactive holographic video games, having phone sex with
strangers, or writing heartfelt love letters for other people to send in his
job as a writer of “Beautifully Handwritten Letters.” Theodore’s detach-
ment from his own emotions likely influenced the divorce proceedings
instigated by his wife (Mara). Now seeking someone new, he goes on a
series of dates that all end unpleasantly.
Theodore purchases a new computer operating system (OS1) that’s
billed as more than just an operating system, “It’s a consciousness.” As
he gets more familiar with the system named Samantha ( Johansson), he
becomes attached to it, using it for organizing his e-mail, reminding him
about appointments, asking for advice, and eventually taking it on “dates.”
Soon Theodore calls Samantha his girlfriend and falls in love with the
virtual persona. They have sex using his body and her voice, and it isn’t
long before Samantha arranges for a sexual surrogate to join them. As
the man and the operating system draw closer together, he loses interest
in all the real people and elements in his life. When the computer finally
reveals a shocking truth to Theodore, he endures his own personal system
failure and inevitable crash back to reality.
The Lesson: Many people lose themselves in love. Especially in the
early stages with chemicals raging through their bodies, it’s easy to believe
their new romantic partner is wonderful in every way. With a virtual lover
who has unlimited knowledge and constantly evolving consciousness (and
doesn’t have to worry about weight gain, bad hair days, or acid indiges-
tion), the romance can seem so perfect that real life pales in comparison.
71
However, it’s unrealistic and unfair to entrust all your needs to one person.
Eventually this honor becomes a burden for both parties.
Love Language: Are you relying too much on virtual relationships and
living a plugged-in, hands-free existence? Write a beautifully handwritten
letter for someone special in your life and send it to them by regular mail.
LOVE LESSON 61: EVEN PEOPLE WITH SUNNY DISPOSITIONS HAVE A SHADOW SIDE.
There’s Something About Mary (1998)
Director: Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly
Stars: Ben Stiller, Cameron Diaz
Genre: Romance Comedy
This odd love story begins in Rhode Island when Ted (Stiller) and Mary
(Diaz) are just 16 years old and go on their first date together to the
school prom. Ted’s nightmare begins at Mary’s front door when her
stepfather harasses him, then her mentally challenged brother attacks
him for touching his ears. Within a few minutes, Ted is falsely accused of
masturbating while watching Mary change clothes, and then has a hor-
rendous zipper accident in the bathroom that lands him in the hospital
for a couple of weeks. After this disastrous first date, they don’t see each
other again, and Ted hears she moved with her family to Miami, Florida.
Now thirteen years later, he starts thinking about her—how beautiful,
warm, friendly, and charismatic she was in high school—and wonders if
she has changed much and if perhaps they could rekindle whatever they
started back in high school.
After seeking information from a shady private detective, Ted ven-
tures to Florida, where he sees Mary again. They chat briefly before he
asks her for another date. He suggests getting together that night “to
catch up” to which she replies, “I thought we just did.” His crestfallen
face soon breaks into a smile when she reveals she was just teasing him.
That same mean-spiritedness surfaces again later, apparently modeled
after her stepfather’s sadistic sense of humor. While she’s still good-
natured and devoted to charitable causes (including those involving her
brother), Mary’s sweetness sometimes has a sour aftertaste. In addition,
she’s had to change her last name to avoid a stalker from college, which
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Date Nights
unbeknownst to her, is an ongoing problem. There’s something about

Mary that attracts stalkers, fetishists, and other assorted creepers. They
can sense her darker shadow side lurking just beneath her sunnier surface.
The Lesson: Renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl G. Jung wrote exten-
sively about a shadow side each of us possesses in contrast to our outer
persona. Although we may try to hide these darker unconscious aspects
of our personality from others, our words, tones, facial expressions, body
language, and other physical clues reveal to others what we cannot see
and do not acknowledge about ourselves. Jung wrote in Modern Man in
Search of a Soul: “For what is inferior or even worthless belongs to me as
my shadow and gives me substance and mass . . . I must have a dark side
also if I am to be whole.” Mary’s unconscious shadow side is the most
plausible explanation for why she attracts so many weirdos into her life
when on the surface she’s such a lovely person. If she worked on bringing
those darker elements to consciousness, she could integrate them into
her personality in a healthier manner rather than repressing them and
attracting others with emotional problems.
Love Language: Only someone who really loves you (or a skillful
counselor) will share their observations with you about your shadow side.
If people throughout your life have criticized different personality traits
or behaviors about you during a heated argument, it may have been a
hurtful comment with no validity. If three or more people have cited the
same criticisms—and especially if the comments were said calmly, in a
caring manner—these are probably examples of your shadow side that
others can see. These unconscious aspects of your personality may be
sabotaging your relationships.
LOVE LESSON 62: ASK FOR HELP WHEN OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT.
New in Town (2009)
Director: Jonas Elmer
Stars: Renée Zellweger, Harry Connick Jr.
Ambitious business executive Lucy Hill (Zellweger) volunteers to leave

the Miami-based headquarters of the food company where she works to
73
help mechanize and downsize a recently acquired factory in New Ulm,

Minnesota. Tough and independent, she’s willing to do anything to
reach the CEO level, based on her father’s disillusionment with his own
lifelong career in blue-collar work, even if it means visiting the northern
state during the coldest winter months. While there, she first alienates,
then eventually romances, the handsome union representative for the
manufacturing plant, Ted Mitchell (Connick Jr.).
During their first actual date after several conversations and a make-
out session, Ted invites Lucy to a surprise outing that turns out to be
crow hunting, an activity with which she is entirely unfamiliar. Dressed
in hunting clothes (similar to a one-piece ski suit), she can’t disrobe
enough to relieve herself in the woods, yet hesitates to admit she doesn’t
know what to do. After finally calling on Ted for assistance, she winds
up with a broken zipper, his knife slashing through the crotch of her suit,
and shooting him in the keister with her rifle. While hardly a great first
date, they make the best of it, with Lucy baking a cake and asking for
forgiveness, and Ted being understanding of her ineptitude around cold
climates, the wild outdoors, and guns.
The Lesson: Although Ted wasn’t seriously hurt, things could have
taken a tragic—rather than comedic—turn because of Lucy’s inability to
admit weakness or ignorance. Had she allowed herself to be vulnerable
by admitting she was out of her element and needed help before she got
into trouble, that day might have had a much happier ending (with no
EMTs or surgeons involved). Likewise, Ted knew she lived in Miami and
probably wouldn’t be comfortable out in the freezing woods with a rifle
in her arms, but he chose that activity for their first date—likely with the
intention of knocking her down a peg or two.
Love Language: Have you faked knowledge or experience and then
regretted it? What penalties (outer and inner) come from not being hon-
est about your limitations?
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Date Nights
LOVE LESSON 63: GIFTS FROM THE UNIVERSE MAY COME

IN UNEXPECTED PACKAGING.
Knocked Up (2007)
Director: Judd Apatow
Stars: Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl
In Knocked Up, Ben (Rogen) is an overweight pothead with no ambition

who accidentally impregnates career-oriented television interviewer
Alison (Heigl) during a drunken hook-up that unexpectedly gives these
opposite personalities exactly what they need. (For another lesson from
Knocked Up, see Love Lesson 173 in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.)
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: SUZANNE HANOVER
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LOVE LESSON 64: DATING BY NUMBERS DOESN’T WORK.

Down with Love (2003)
Director: Peyton Reed
Stars: Ewan McGregor, Renée Zellweger
Perhaps you’ve been pressured into following the “Third Date Rule,”
which dictates that the evening concludes with partners engaging in
physical intimacy for the first time. Sexist, arbitrary, and potentially
dangerous, this modern idea of romance speeds up the process from
previous generations.
In this romance set in New York City in 1962, feminist author
Barbara Novak (Zellweger) and womanizing journalist Catcher Block
(McGregor) begin a dating charade in which each hides crucial informa-
tion from the other. In her book, Barbara claims “Down with Love girls”
have sex after one date, but she’s not exactly the woman she pretends
to be. Likewise, Catcher is a confirmed bachelor, callous playboy, and
sexual manipulator, yet he adopts a squeaky-clean persona for courting
the outspoken author. Catcher (posing as shy astronaut Zip Martin)
decides twenty-nine dates is the deciding number for seduction. Before
that crucial night, they enjoy (in a colorful 1960s-style montage) dates
to Broadway shows, comedy clubs, fancy dinners, nightclubs, boxing
matches, and ball games. That long-awaited twenty-ninth date, however,
brings surprises and a new awareness to them both.
The Lesson: Regardless of the number of dates, there can be no true
emotional intimacy without authentic behaviors from both partners.
Barbara and Catcher are merely going through the motions, playing
their roles with the intention of teaching the other a lesson. Because of
this ruse, their relationship doesn’t blossom on the twenty-ninth date, it
actually begins then when the masks are finally removed. (For another
lesson from Down with Love, see Love Lesson 172 in Chapter Eleven:
Intimacy Issues.)
Love Language: Compare how your views on romance, love, and sex
have changed over the decades. Do you still think the same way about
these issues as you did ten years ago or twenty years ago? Discuss with
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Date Nights
your partner how your change in thought relates to a change in behavior.

Or if your beliefs haven’t changed, talk about this, too.
LOVE LESSON 65: THE REAL YOU WILL ALWAYS EMERGE.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
Director: Donald Petrie
Stars: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey
Magazine columnist Andie Anderson (Hudson) and advertising account

executive Benjamin Barry (McConaughey) are both a little integri-
ty-challenged in this delightfully contrived romantic comedy. Andie
conducts firsthand research for an article on how to ruin a perfectly good
romantic relationship by committing typical dating mistakes so she can
win her editor’s approval. For her research, she ranges from sweet and
seductive to shrill and scary, neither of which accurately represent her
true personality. Only in unguarded moments of candor does she reveal
the actual Andie.
Likewise, Benjamin wants to impress his boss at work with his exper-
tise on women in order to secure a large account with a diamond adver-
tiser. He bets that he can make a woman fall in love with him within ten
days by being utterly charming (regardless of what he’s actually thinking
and feeling), coincidentally the exact same time frame within which
Andie works. Naturally, they each try to work their plans on the other
and end up falling in love instead of proving their point. The reason for
their “failures” is, of course, because their real selves always emerge. They
can only maintain their false facades for so long before their authentic
sides demand equal time. Their dates include dinner at his place, visiting
his family, and going to a Knicks game, all of which involve her manic
outbursts and his tolerant smiles. When the truth comes out, however,
all bets are off.
The Lesson: No matter how well you put on a show or how apprecia-
tive the audience, there’s a limit to how long you can play a part. Andie
and Benjamin don’t fall in love with the adopted personas, but with
the hints of the real person glimpsed underneath. Their love games are
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frustrating and infuriating to both because they each believe the other is
genuine and can’t understand the conflicting behaviors. Neither should
have agreed to the manipulative game in the first place. Having been
peer-pressured into the situation, they each had multiple opportunities
to tell the truth and end the charade. By letting the situation go on for
the full ten days, they caused each other unnecessary embarrassment and
pain. (For another lesson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, see Love
Lesson 134 in Chapter Nine: Breakups and Makeups.)
Love Language: Find a sincere, honest, authentic way to perform your
professional responsibilities. If your job requires you to be someone you’re
not, find a different job.
LOVE LESSON 66: SHARE YOUR PERSONAL PASSIONS WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Love & Mercy (2015)
Director: Bill Pohlad
Stars: John Cusack, Paul Dano, Elizabeth Banks
Genre: Biographical Drama
Based on the true life of Brian Wilson (Dano and Cusack in a dual
role), legendary singer for the Beach Boys, this drama examines his
early days with the band and three decades later while living as the
virtual prisoner of his controlling psychotherapist. Confused and par-
anoid from prescription drugs and mental illness, middle-aged Wilson
instinctively recognizes his salvation lies in a romantic relationship with
strong-willed former model Melinda Ledbetter (Banks), who sells him
a Cadillac during a strange but memorable encounter at the car dealer-
ship where she works.
Despite bringing his ever-present therapist, bodyguard, and entou-
rage with him on their dates, Wilson (Cusack) manages to personalize
their experiences by sharing things he’s passionate about. Naturally they
go out for dinners and enjoy cookouts at home, but he also takes her to a
rock concert to share his love of music, a planetarium where they discuss
the stars, and sailing/swimming (which seems a logical choice for the for-
mer Beach Boy). Suffering from his illness, addiction, and manipulation,
Wilson’s true self barely emerges during their first few times together.
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Date Nights
His selection of what to do for their dates, however, gives Ledbetter a

look at his personal passions so she can gauge their compatibility. Once
that’s established and they begin to fall in love, she faces the enormous
challenge (with the aid of Wilson’s family) of freeing him from all legal
ties to his therapist and finding him help elsewhere.
The Lesson: Even drugged, coerced, and emotionally damaged, Wil-
son takes Ledbetter on dates that excite him. His love of music (and
the access to great seats) goes without saying, but their planetarium
adventure is a surprise. An even more unusual experience occurs on the
boat, when during an especially lucid and courageous moment, Wilson
plans their escape from the watchful eyes of his caretakers. This one act
of defiance, more than anything else, may have encouraged Ledbetter of
his sincere, but stifled, need to be free. (For another lesson from Love &
Mercy, see Love Lesson 125 in Chapter Eight: Emotional Baggage.)
Love Language: Is there somewhere you would like to go on a date,
but fear the cost, time involved, or strangeness of the request might
upset your partner? See if talking about your passion can make it
become a reality.
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Chapter Five
THE LOOK OF LOVE
Many of these films concern weighty issues—not merely of

physical appearance, but something deeper. They explore our inability to
recognize love when we see it or to discern the type of love with which
we have come in contact. Some of the characters may have beautiful souls
that don’t match their outer appearance or vice versa. Maybe they “look”
at love in a certain way that has nothing to do with physical appearance,
or their romantic “vision” is so out of touch with reality, it impedes their
happiness. It may be an overemphasis on physical attractiveness (or lack
of it), confusing love and lust, or mistaking a short-term association for
a lifetime commitment.
Regardless of their individual circumstances, the characters in these
films suffer from clouded vision that affects their behavior and gets in
their way of actualizing true love—for a while anyway. Most of them
base their opinions of others—at least in part—on physical appearances.
Typically the beauties and jocks are depicted as shallow and simple-
minded, while the bespectacled, pockmarked, plain, and overweight have
“great personalities” and high IQ scores to make up for their lack of sex
appeal. In movie stereotypes, brains, beauty, depth, and good personal-
ity don’t usually coincide as naturally occurring traits. With the help of
outsiders—hairstylists, personal trainers, friends, mentors, professors, and
doctors—however, there’s hope for every character to balance his or her
inner and outer beauty to find the perfect mate.
Once they get past whatever obscures their vision, their chances of
romantic fulfillment increase and the weightiness of their issues lightens
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The Look of Love
considerably. From the geeky high school outcasts in Superbad and Hair-
spray to the glamorous life of actors and models in America’s Sweethearts
and Zoolander, these characters must learn to see themselves and others
in a different light. The following films explore visual perceptions—and
often misperceptions—in the quest for love.
LOVE LESSON 67: YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE TRANSFORMATIVE LOVE

AT FIRST GLANCE.
Director: George C. Wolfe
Stars: Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Christopher Meloni
This tearjerker from author-screenwriter Nicholas Sparks looks at Adri-

enne Willis (Lane), a middle-aged woman separated from her cheating
husband (Meloni). When a friend asks her to run a seaside inn in Rodan-
the, North Carolina, for a few days while she’s away, Adrienne agrees.
With a hurricane on the way and only one guest to take care of, Adrienne
hopes to spend time at the quaint bed-and-breakfast escaping from her
angry daughter and semi-repentant husband to consider a possible rec-
onciliation. This guest isn’t just anyone, however. Dr. Paul Flanner (Gere)
is visiting the inn on a mission to redeem himself—or at least justify his
actions—regarding a medical malpractice lawsuit.
After small talk, arguing, and flirtation, the real romance begins,
and Adrienne and Paul help each other lose their long-established roles
to explore other aspects of themselves. Consumed with being a good
mother, Adrienne has ignored her artistic side. Obsessed with his med-
ical practice, Paul sees himself as nothing but a good doctor. Through
love and encouragement (and some occasional shouting as the “storm”
arrives), they expand beyond cardboard cutouts of who they thought they
were supposed to be.
The Lesson: During the affair in Rodanthe, Adrienne believes this to
be true love that will last for the rest of her life. She assumes her marriage
is now over, and she can move on to a new marriage with Paul. When
she realizes her dream will not become reality, she falls into a state of
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depression because she’s fearing her future rather than taking pleasure
in the present transformative love that provided the healing she needed
to transition from one phase of life to another. (For another lesson from
Nights in Rodanthe, see Love Lesson 57 in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
Love Language: Most of us have confused romantic love and trans-
formative love that enters our lives when we need it and exits our lives
after the healing begins. Think back to a time when this might have
happened to you. Can you recall the turning point when your attitude
shifted from longing for getting what you want to gratefulness for getting
what you needed?
LOVE LESSON 68: WHAT YOU RESIST WILL PERSIST.

Ed Wood (1994)
Director: Tim Burton
Stars: Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia
Arquette
Genre: Biographical Comedy/Drama
It’s all about appearances in Hollywood, so 30-year-old producer-

writer-director Ed Wood (Depp) hides his secret from his girlfriend and
the rest of the world. When he was a child, his mother liked to dress him
in female clothing because she wanted a daughter instead of a son. Wear-
ing women’s clothing grew into a habit, then a comfort, for the young
man. His embarrassment and shame over the practice make him keep it
hidden from everyone.
Struggling to make low-budget sci-fi films with drug-addicted hor-
ror actor Bela Lugosi (Landau), Ed also has to deal with his unhappy
girlfriend (Parker), who forfeits her starring role to a potential investor.
Her dissatisfaction and disgust grow upon learning of Ed’s clothing
fetish, but his admission finally solves the mystery of her missing angora
sweaters. After the production is finished, she leaves Ed in an embar-
rassing public meltdown. Soon afterward, Ed takes Bela to rehab for his
addiction, where he meets Kathy (Arquette) in the hospital waiting room.
She’s cute and perky . . . and loves to wear angora sweaters. On their
first date, Ed breaks his tradition of silence and admits, “I like to wear
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The Look of Love
women’s clothes—panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps. It’s just something

I do.” After getting confirmation of his heterosexuality, Kathy considers
for a moment, then replies, “Okay.”
The Lesson: In this biopic based on one of the worst movie directors
of all time, Ed resists sharing his secret, even with those closest to him.
Withholding the fact that he’s a transvestite from his live-in girlfriend cre-
ates an atmosphere of secrets and lies that ultimately ends the relationship.
Once he embraces this part of himself by openly admitting his fetish to his
new love interest, the chance for love is possible. In real life, Ed and Kathy
married and stayed together until his death. (For another lesson from Ed
Wood, see Love Lesson 139 in Chapter Nine: Breakups and Makeups.)
Love Language: Are you keeping a secret that makes true emotional
intimacy impossible? Consider sharing the secret with a therapist or reli-
gious leader first and asking his or her opinion about whether it’s safe to
share this information with your partner.
LOVE LESSON 69: PEOPLE IN MASKS CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

The Princess Bride (1987)
Director: Rob Reiner
Stars: Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Mandy Patinkin, André the Giant
Genre: Fantasy Adventure/Romantic Comedy
Long ago, Buttercup (Wright) and Westley (Elwes) are two young lovers
living on a small farm in England. The problem is that Buttercup owns
the farm and Westley works as her farm boy, who fetches water and does
other chores. Determined to go out in the world to seek his fortune, he
plans to return home wealthy so they can live happily ever after. Soon
after his departure, news returns that pirates murdered him. Years later,
Westley returns looking sharp with his black leather boots, blond pony-
tail, and black mask.
Although movie-viewers instantly can discern Westley’s bright blue
eyes peeking out from behind the eyeholes, Buttercup (now engaged to
a loathsome prince) can’t recognize her one true love behind the small
black mask. Her inability to “see” him may be based on two deceptions:
the false news of his death, and his changed appearance from a sweet
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farm boy into a suave swordsman. For his part, Westley keeps up the
charade of being the Dread Pirate Roberts so he can ascertain the truth
about her courtship with the prince and evoke fear in those he fights.
When speaking of this mysterious masked swordsman, giant-for-hire
Fezzik (André the Giant) says to fellow mercenary Inigo (Patinkin), “You
be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.” Known for his brawn
rather than his brain, Fezzik nonetheless speaks the truth. Anyone pre-
senting a false facade, hiding his or her true identity, or wearing any kind
of literal or figurative mask cannot be trusted until the mask comes off.
The Lesson: What if Westley had returned as himself, now wealthy,
knowledgeable, and experienced from his time on the ship, instead of
pretending to be the Dread Pirate Roberts? His reunion with Buttercup
would have gone much smoother. As for his confrontations with the
three mercenaries hired to kidnap Buttercup, his less-than-intimidating
looks may have served him far better than his masked persona, as the
unsuspecting culprits would have been duped by his farm-boy appear-
ance. While no one trusts people in masks, they are more likely to trust
those without masks, which in this case would have been an advantage
because of his exemplary fighting skills. So no disguise may have been
the best disguise of all.
Love Language: If you wear a mask (false persona, nervous laugh,
excessive makeup, jewelry, wigs, hair extensions, or other added-on dis-
tractions and affectations) to avoid being seen, try revealing your true self
to those you’re closest to and see what happens. Ask them if your “mask”
could be alienating you from others who consciously or unconsciously see
you as someone who cannot be trusted.
LOVE LESSON 70: SEPARATE THE ROMANTIC MYTH FROM THE ROMANTIC REALITY.
Paper Towns (2015)
Director: Jake Schreier
Stars: Nat Wolff, Cara Delevingne
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Romance
In Paper Towns, Quentin (Wolff ) meets and falls in love with his neigh-
bor, Margo (Delevingne), when they’re small children and continues his
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The Look of Love
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION/PHOTOFEST
crush through high school, even though he barely knows her, but knows
plenty about the mysterious persona she projects. (For another lesson
from Paper Towns, see Love Lesson 56 in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
LOVE LESSON 71: A CHEMICALLY ALTERED STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS IS NOT

TRUE CONSCIOUSNESS.
Superbad (2007)
Director: Greg Mottola
Stars: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Emma Stone
Genre: Comedy
This gross-out comedy manages to combine vulgarity with sweetness in

a very funny story of teenage angst. Seth (Hill) is an overweight, sex-
crazed, foulmouthed high school senior desperate to lose his virginity
before leaving for college in the fall. In an effort to bed his longtime
crush Jules (Stone) before it’s too late, he agrees to supply alcohol for her
end-of-the-year party, even though he (like everyone else at the party)
is underage. Seth and his two friends, Evan (Cera) and Fogell (Mintz-
85
Plasse), spend an adventurous few hours enduring bad luck, unfortunate

timing, and unsavory characters as they attempt to get alcohol illegally.
When they finally arrive at the party with the booze, Seth guzzles
a few drinks to boost his courage and then brazenly kisses Jules, assum-
ing because of his appearance, she will only get close to him when she’s
drunk. Instead, she pushes him away and tells him because he’s drunk,
she isn’t interested. Shocked, Seth says she must be drunk, too, because of
her request for alcohol, but Jules informs him that although she likes him,
she doesn’t drink and only wants the supplies for her guests. Without
beer goggles to cloud her mental vision, Jules remains rational and knows
a drunken encounter with Seth (or anyone) is not for her. Evan also faces
an alcohol challenge when an extremely intoxicated girl throws herself
at him, and he’s forced to decide whether or not to go through with the
planned sexual encounter. After all their outrageous efforts to get alcohol,
it ends up sabotaging the party for them.
The Lesson: Had Seth not attempted his presumptuous drunken kiss,
Jules might actually have made the first move in appreciation for his
efforts. His false courage and inaccurate assumption completely turned
her off, however, and ruined his lustful plans for the night. If he had got-
ten to know Jules better before the party and had higher self-esteem, he
might not have made this error in judgment. His drunkenness, assump-
tion she was intoxicated, and presumption she wanted his aggressive kiss
created a distasteful cocktail of behaviors.
Love Language: Are you turning off your partner without realizing
it? Discuss how much or how little alcohol and other drinks, foods, or
substances affect your romantic encounters.
LOVE LESSON 72: HARMONIZE YOUR BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT.

Hairspray (2007)
Stars: John Travolta, Nikki Blonsky, Christopher Walken, Michelle
Pfeiffer, Zac Efron
Genre: Musical
Set in Baltimore, Maryland, in the 1960s, this remake of the 1988 John
Waters cult film and the Tony Award–winning Broadway musical follows
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The Look of Love
a plus-size high school student who won’t let discrimination or criticism

stand in the way of her dream to dance. Specifically, Tracy Turnblad
(Blonsky) wants to perform as one of the regular dancers on the popular
television program The Corny Collins Show. Her short stature, excessive
weight, and quirky family—her morbidly obese mother, Edna (Travolta),
hasn’t left the house in years, and her eccentric father, Wilbur (Walken),
runs the local magic and novelty shop—work against her at the audi-
tions, run by the outwardly beautiful but inwardly ugly Velma Von Tussle
(Pfeiffer). Even so, her talent catches the eye of the show’s host, who
wants to include her among the dancers.
When Tracy supports integrating the show with black dancers every
day, instead of just on “Negro Day,” she further infuriates Velma, but
earns the respect of others and piques the interest of handsome dancer
Link Larkin (Efron). Luckily her loving family doesn’t stand in her way,
and Edna’s dedication to her daughter finally gets her out of the house
and fully embracing life again, eventually even dancing and singing on
the street with Tracy.
The Lesson: Though teased and discriminated against because of her
weight, Tracy exudes a rare self-confidence. Her body (heavy, but ener-
getic and flexible), mind (forward-thinking ideas about race relations),
and spirit (loving, forgiving, and grateful) working in perfect harmony
make her radiate happiness and attract people to her. Tracy serves as an
inspiration to others at school, on the dance show, and at home with her
mother (who has lived inharmoniously for far too long).
Love Language: Are you living in perfect harmony of body, mind,
and spirit? If not, decide which area is your weakest, and work toward
strengthening it. Maybe this means finding an exercise you enjoy, earning
a degree or taking adult education classes, or finding a more meaningful
place to worship. Ask your partner or close friend for suggestions or
support, if necessary.
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LOVE LESSON 73: SEEKING REVENGE IS NEVER ATTRACTIVE.

Just Friends (2005)
Director: Roger Kumble
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris
Heavyset in his youth, Chris Brander (Reynolds) develops a crush on his

good friend, Jamie Palamino (Smart), a popular cheerleader. His private
confession of love accidentally turns into a public humiliation, and ulti-
mately Jamie rejects him as gently as she’s able. After high school, Chris
moves from New Jersey to Los Angeles, where he loses weight, builds
muscle, and turns into a high-powered record executive. He also aban-
dons his former sweetness (apparently from the high school rejection)
and now takes delight in being a coldhearted womanizer.
During a business flight that goes awry, Chris gets stuck in his home-
town briefly, along with his high-strung, drama queen client, Samantha
(Faris). When he sees Jamie again, Chris decides to use his newly acquired
good looks and macho swagger to entice her, and then reject her to exact
revenge for the earlier fiasco. His plan doesn’t work too well when Saman-
tha becomes jealous, another man competes for Jamie, and his old high
school friend remains as sweet and lovable as ever. Chris, of course, sits
squarely in the center of the conflict—struggling between the vengeful jerk
he has become and the sweet boy he used to be in high school.
The Lesson: The misguided attempt to seek revenge merely aggravates
Chris’s old wound and brings those negative thoughts to the forefront
again. There’s no way to change the past, but there’s always an opportu-
nity to reframe it from a healthier perspective. By looking at the bigger
picture, understanding people’s motives and behavior from a more objec-
tive and mature vantage point, and accepting the part he played in his
own humiliation, Chris could move past the experience. He also has the
option of speaking to Jamie about the incident honestly to help allow
that wound to heal.
Love Language: Still plotting revenge for someone who hurt you
in the past? Instead of vengeance, try writing a speech as if he or she is
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The Look of Love
the audience. Express your feelings and tell that person how his or her
actions have affected your life since then. This cathartic speech-writing
exercise is for your benefit only and may help you view the experience
differently. Consult a mental health counselor or spiritual advisor before
any kind of face-to-face confrontation with someone who has hurt you
and could possibly be dangerous.
LOVE LESSON 74: LEARN TO USE MORE THAN YOUR APPEARANCE TO ATTRACT
ROMANTIC PARTNERS.
The House Bunny (2008)
Director: Fred Wolf
Stars: Anna Faris, Colin Hanks
Genre: Comedy
Former Playboy model Shelley Darlingson (Faris) has used her nice
figure, blond good looks, and bubbly personality to get through life.
When she reaches her 27th birthday, however, she gets kicked out of
the Playboy mansion for being too old. Simpleminded and unskilled,
Shelley has no family members left to help her, no home outside the
mansion, and must rely on her limited skills to find a new way to sup-
port herself. Faced with ridicule and judgment everywhere she goes,
she eventually finds the Zetas, a college sorority looking for a house
mother. This particular sorority caters to the misfits on campus, the
geeks, punks, hippies, and other girls rejected by other houses—and, in
fact, rejected by their former house mother.
Although far more experienced with seduction than the other
females in the house, Shelley bonds with the girls as another oddball on
a college campus of conformity. She teaches them how to dress better,
make female friends, and turn up the flirtation factor, while they provide
her with the family she desperately craves since her parents died. Just as
she’s beginning to acclimate to her new life in academia and help attract
new members in order to save their home, she meets Oliver (Hanks), a
nice guy far different from the lunks she met hanging around the Play-
boy mansion. In order to win him over, Shelley needs a makeover of her
89
own—this time without pushup bras and bunny ears. The girls help her
learn to interact better with Oliver, a man who wants something more
from a woman than merely a centerfold exterior.
The Lesson: Despite inexperience using any of her talents besides
good grooming and seduction, Shelley remains eager to learn new skills
and help others with what she does know. She happily aids the girls in
her house with her knowledge of makeup, clothing, and social interac-
tion with men. Forced out on her own, she realizes she possesses inner
qualities she wasn’t aware of until she was required to use them. Her
banishment from the mansion serves her well: She learns to develop
other inner qualities and rely less on her physical appearance to reach
her goals in life.
Love Language: It’s often said the best way to learn something is to
teach it. Do you have skills, experience, or talent that will help others
(and teach you more about yourself )? If you’re not already a full-time
educator, consider teaching something you know and enjoy as a hobby.
Community centers, adult education facilities, and colleges with non-
credit courses often seek offbeat classes to attract new students.
LOVE LESSON 75: DON’T BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH DYSFUNCTION.

Director: Tom Dey
Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker
In Failure to Launch, womanizing Tripp (McConaughey) fears getting

too close to women because of a prior tragedy he experienced, so his
dysfunctional reaction is to dump each girlfriend (including his newest
relationship with Paula [Parker]) when she gives him “the look” of love,
i.e., she’s thinking about commitment and a possible life together. (For
another lesson from Failure to Launch, see Love Lesson 24 in Chapter
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The Look of Love
PARAMOUNT/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 76: SPEAK YOUR TRUTH WITHOUT FEAR.

Zoolander (2001)
Director: Ben Stiller
Stars: Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Owen Wilson
Genre: Comedy
It may not appear that a vacuous comedy could contain any significant
love lessons, but actually amid all the silliness about being “really, really
good looking,” there’s an important message about communication
learned by the three central characters in this spoof of the male mod-
eling industry. Former three-time male model of the year Derek Zoo
lander (Stiller) finds his career threatened by up-and-coming runway
star Hansel (Wilson), who wins the honor this year and whose name
and image currently dominate print and broadcast media. In addition to
the indignity of losing to his cocky nemesis, a Time magazine reporter
named Matilda (Taylor) writes a highly unflattering article about him.
After the negative article appears, Matilda regrets her harsh take on
Derek and the added snarkiness of her editor, who placed Derek on the
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magazine cover with the headline “Model Idiot.” Derek then suffers
an identity crisis that makes him susceptible to a bizarre brainwashing
scheme by an unscrupulous fashion designer.
When Derek, Hansel, and Matilda break down barriers through real
communication after their initial posturing, hostilities subside, and they
work together to foil the designer’s evil assassination plans. Derek shows
Matilda how to improve her appearance and reveals his deepest shame:
He can’t turn left on the runway. He also tells Hansel how much he was
hurt by comments made and shares fears about losing his career. Hansel
shares his hurt feelings as well. Workaholic Matilda tells both men about
her younger days of being overweight and battling bulimia. Once they
stop “posing” in their roles as models and as a magazine reporter, they
become humans in need of love and friendship. Derek and Matilda get
married, and Derek and Hansel enjoy a close friendship—relationships
that would have been impossible without speaking their truths.
The Lesson: Once Matilda looks past the designer clothes, makeup,
and gel-filled hair, she realizes all male models are not “vain, stupid, and
incredibly self-centered.” Her intelligence helps make Derek smarter, and
his style helps her gain confidence in her appearance. Through their hon-
esty and vulnerability, they become a balanced romantic couple instead of
two individuals leading unbalanced lives.
Love Language: Talk to your partner about your high school days.
Did you fit into a Breakfast Club type of stereotype during your teenage
years? Were you more jock, beauty queen, thug, nerd, or emo? Who
would you be if you went back to high school as the person you are today?
LOVE LESSON 77: WHATEVER YOU LOOK FOR IS WHAT YOU WILL SEE.
Shallow Hal (2001)
Stars: Jack Black, Gwyneth Paltrow
As a boy, Hal (Black) heard his father’s delirious deathbed wish that he
only date hot girls. Not understanding that his clergyman father was high
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The Look of Love
on pain medication and could not control what he said, Hal files that
information away unconsciously. When we see him as a grown man, he’s
incredibly shallow—despite his own average appearance—calling women
derogatory names if they don’t meet his personal standards of beauty. He
chases after women way out of his league, not understanding what went
wrong. When Hal meets motivational speaker Tony Robbins (as himself )
on an elevator one day, Robbins performs a brief hypnotic spell to release
Hal from his superficiality, so he can appreciate the inner qualities of
new people he meets. “Inner beauty’s the easiest thing in the world to see
when you’re looking for it,” he tells Hal.
Immediately afterward, Hal is amazed at all the beautiful and sexy
women he meets who appear to be interested in him. These women are
actually average/below-average looking, but become beautiful in his hyp-
notized eyes. The loveliest of all is Rosemary (Paltrow), the 300-pound
daughter of his boss at work, but to him she looks exactly like Gwyneth
Paltrow. Hal courts her, constantly praising her beauty and thanking fate
for bringing her into his life. Rosemary wants to accept his love, but feels
unsure when he raves on about her gorgeous appearance. Intelligent,
loving, altruistic, and funny, Rosemary’s beautiful inner qualities manifest
themselves into a perfect body and great face for Hal’s disoriented mind.
When the truth is revealed—as it always is—Hal and Rosemary need to
make decisions based on reality, that she is indeed 300 pounds and may
stay that way the rest of her life.
The Lesson: If there’s a general lesson to be learned about movie love,
it’s that in order to find that someone special, the weak must become
strong, the ugly must become pretty, the fat must become thin, and the
unintelligent must improve their minds. When characters actually reflect
growth as they change throughout the film, the conclusions are much
more satisfying. In Shallow Hal, the shift occurs in thought patterns
rather than appearances, and that makes it true movie magic.
Love Language: Look for the beauty in everyday people you encoun-
ter, and especially in your partner. If you’ve been together for more than
a few months, remind him or her of the physical, mental, and emotional
qualities that attracted you in the first place.
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LOVE LESSON 78: LOVE IS REAL; FEAR IS AN ILLUSION.

The Illusionist (2006)
Director: Neil Burger
Stars: Edward Norton, Jessica Biel, Rufus Sewell, Paul Giamatti
Genre: Mystery/Drama/Romance
In turn-of-the-century Vienna, Eisenheim (Norton) and Sophie (Biel)

were close friends as children and fell in love as adolescents, but due to
their different social standings (poor boy and soon-to-be duchess), they
were separated by her wealthy socialite family. As a young man, Eisen-
heim left the area to develop his magic act, which evolved into an amaz-
ing illusion in which he appeared to bring people back from the dead. He
returns to Vienna fifteen years later, and Sophie attends his performance
with her suitor, Crown Prince Leopold (Sewell), a vile bully known for
brutalizing women.
Although Sophie’s family cultivated her to marry into royalty, she
never forgot her special childhood friend, and the sparks are rekindled
when they meet again. As adults, they feel the reality of love much stronger
than as children. The prince feels an immediate threat from Eisenheim,
first because he doesn’t understand the illusions and wants the secrets
revealed, then later after the illusionist embarrasses him at a private show.
If there’s one thing this narcissistic prince doesn’t like, it’s being made to
look foolish—by someone else. He certainly makes a fool of himself on a
regular basis. When police inspector Uhl (Giamatti) delivers news to the
prince that Sophie and Eisenheim were seen together in what may have
been a compromising situation, the lovers have very little time to pull off
the biggest illusion yet or die attempting it.
The Lesson: Crown Prince Leopold lives in fear that someone will
take his crown, take his life, or take his woman because he’s always
plotting against others. He sees his own fearful reflection in everyone he
meets. A master at illusion, Eisenheim has a firm grasp on what is real
and what is not. He displays integrity as a man, fairness in his business
dealings, and respect for his audience as a performer. Despite increasing
pressure from the inspector (acting on behalf of the prince), Eisenheim
maintains control of his emotions and a realistic view of what is possible.
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The Look of Love
The only “False Evidence Appearing Real” he experiences is what he

creates for his illusionist act. (For another lesson from The Illusionist, see
Love Lesson 101 in Chapter Seven: Old Flames.)
Love Language: Think of a time when your fears created a false reality.
How much time and effort did you devote to preparing for this illusion?
Share some of these fears with your partner if it feels appropriate, and see
if you have shared any of the same illusions.
LOVE LESSON 79: LUST AND LOVE DON’T LOOK THE SAME.
Troy (2004)
Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Stars: Orlando Bloom, Diane Kruger
Genre: Historical Action/Adventure
In Troy, the impetuous actions of Paris (Bloom) and his inability to differ-
entiate between love and lust start a devastating war between two emerging
WARNER BROTHERS/PHOTOFEST,
PHOTOGRAPHER: ALEX BAILEY
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nations when he convinces Helen (Kruger), the most beautiful woman in

the world, to leave her husband and return with him to Troy. (For another
lesson from Troy, see Love Lesson 110 in Chapter Seven: Old Flames.)
LOVE LESSON 80: TRUTH DOES NOT REQUIRE YOUR BELIEF IN IT TO BE TRUE.
City of Angels (1998)
Director: Brad Silberling
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Meg Ryan
Genre: Fantasy/Romantic Drama
Dr. Maggie Rice (Ryan) is a heart surgeon whose own heart could use a
jump start—with love. Devoted to her career, she loses one of her patients
and mourns the loss of life and her own inability to perform better. The
angel Seth (Cage) appears on the scene in the operating room to collect
this latest soul for the afterlife. When he witnesses Maggie’s despair, he
offers her some comfort, which she graciously accepts. Although angels
generally move around among humans without being seen, Seth makes
himself visible to Maggie. She can tell there’s something different about
him, but being an immortal creature without the ability to live, breathe,
taste, touch, bleed, and die isn’t on her list of possibilities.
One of Maggie’s patients is a former angel and reveals to Seth that
he has the option of becoming a human male, if he’s willing to give up
immortality. The more time Seth and Maggie spend together, the more
convinced he is to make that ultimate leap of faith, and ask God to allow
him to leave the angelic realm and become human so he can experience
the love of a woman. As a medical doctor devoted to science without
any strong religious beliefs, Maggie doubts the credibility of his story.
Although it feels like the truth, her scientific background makes her balk
at anything supernatural that can’t be tested in a laboratory.
The Lesson: Don’t waste time doubting love. Accept, embrace, and
enjoy it every moment you’re alive.
Love Language: The song “Angel” from the movie’s soundtrack has
appeared in several other movies and in the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) commercials to end animal abuse. Sing-
er-songwriter Sarah McLachlan says she wrote the song after reading
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The Look of Love
of the drug overdose death of Jonathan Melvoin, keyboardist for the

Smashing Pumpkins. Released in 1998, the song was among the most
successful that year, reaching the top 5 on Billboard charts. Listen to
“Angel” with someone special and talk about what images and feelings
the song evokes.
LOVE LESSON 81: AN EMPTY HAND IS BETTER THAN A CLOSED FIST.

A Walk to Remember (2002)
Stars: Mandy Moore, Shane West
Looks can be deceiving. Clothes don’t make the man (or woman). The
picture of health doesn’t always mean someone’s healthy. These old tru-
isms come into play in the tear-jerking drama A Walk to Remember. Pop-
ular high school student Landon Carter (West) plays a part in a tragic
prank on another student, and gets assigned after-school community
service activities to perform. Somehow, starring as the lead in the school
play (viewed as a reward to most people) is part of his punishment. The
reverend’s nerdy and badly dressed daughter, Jamie Sullivan (Moore), also
stars in the play.
Experiencing trouble with his lines, Landon asks Jamie for help,
and they bond with each other, even though he ignores her in front
of the other classmates. Underneath those ugly ill-fitting clothes, she’s
got a blossoming figure that eventually goes on display (along with her
exceptional voice) for others to enjoy. Over the course of these rehearsals,
Landon develops romantic feelings for her, until she cautions him about
a serious medical condition from which she suffers. They must both con-
front their fears about romantic involvement in these circumstances, and
decide if love is worth the inevitable pain of loss.
The Lesson: Your love is meant to be shared, no matter how briefly.
There’s no limit to the supply, so don’t treat it like a prized possession
placed on the top shelf of a display case or locked away in a sealed vault.
Love Language: If there are people in your life whom you have been
judging by their clothing or other aspects of their physical appearance, try
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talking to them instead of criticizing from afar. Get to know them, show
them your best loving self, and see if you still feel the same judgments
toward them afterward.
LOVE LESSON 82: TRUE LOVE MAY NOT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU DO.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
Director: Joel Zwick
Stars: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett
Thirty years old with low-self-esteem and a frumpy appearance, Toula

(Vardalos) works as a server in her family’s Greek restaurant, where she
endures her father’s criticism of her single status, complaints about how
old she looks, and attempts to fix her up with a Greek husband, whether
he’s suitable or not. Her parents have always dreamed of her finding the
perfect man to fit into their large boisterous family, but she can’t seem to
play her part. Instead, she falls in love with Ian (Corbett), a non-Greek
high school English teacher who comes into the restaurant one day.
Though his background is nothing like her own, she can’t stop thinking
about him (and how she embarrassed herself while serving him coffee).
Toula goes to computer school to learn a new skill, gets a makeover,
and looks like a brand-new woman when they meet again—this time
with better results. They date secretly at first, and then eventually she
admits the news to her family. Though happy she’s found someone, they
have never admitted a non-Greek into the family circle before and have
difficulty adjusting to someone who doesn’t look like them or act like
them. Likewise, he and his family must get used to her ethnic eccentric-
ities. Their big, fat love for each other—and naturally their big, fat Greek
wedding—make the adjustment worth the effort.
The Lesson: Toula needs to follow her heart and find her own man,
rather than allow her father to arrange a marriage with someone she
doesn’t love. This would have been more difficult had she stayed in her
waitressing job full-time and not improved her appearance to be the best
version of herself. By taking the classes and getting the makeover, she
boosts her self-confidence enough that she can attract and keep a man
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The Look of Love
such as Ian. Rather than presenting any real problems, finding someone
outside her faith and culture offers more of an opportunity for growth.
(For another lesson from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, see Love Lesson 197
in Chapter Twelve: Wedding Planning.)
Love Language: Are you limiting your dating experiences to one
certain race, religion, or ethnicity merely to make your family happy? Or
perhaps you prefer a certain type of partner, but your family pressures
you to explore other options. Think about what you really want from a
romantic relationship and expand your horizons or narrow your focus,
depending upon what you decide for yourself. When the time feels right,
tell your family about your shift in perspective in order to pursue your
romantic path in life.
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Chapter Six
SIBLING RIVALRY
Prodigal sons, problem children, conjoined twins, fraternal

twins, an evil stepsister, and the affliction of middle child syndrome are
alive and well in this selection of films. Just when the relationship seems
to be sailing along smoothly, like a shark fin in the water, some uncom-
fortably close connection bubbles to the surface, causing problems for
the two lovers. It may take enormous physical strength and emotional
resources to keep the love relationship and family relationship afloat.
What is a woman with self-image issues supposed to do when her
sister is a famous movie star and looks exactly like Catherine Zeta-Jones
(America’s Sweethearts)? Or how can a dopey, low-life criminal compete
with his low-life criminal younger brother who’s attempting to clean up
his act, heal old family wounds, and looks like Keanu Reeves (Feeling
Minnesota). Sibling rivalry, like old flames from the past, provides fertile
soil for planting seeds of comparison and contrast. In addition, some-
times the late-arriving sibling outshines the original romantic partner
and takes away the prize.
From good-natured squabbles to bloody battles, these brothers and
sisters fight for romantic partners, money, professional accolades, and
parental praise. The following love lessons offer a variety of examples for
dealing with these family affairs, both literally and figuratively.
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LOVE LESSON 83: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE.
Director: Peter Hedges
Stars: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche, Dane Cook
Dan Burns (Carell) is the father of three young daughters he is raising

alone since his wife died four years ago. The daughters want more from
him (driving lessons, permission to date, and extra attention), but Dan
has his hands full already as a well-respected newspaper advice columnist
on the verge of a huge syndication deal. He gives commonsense advice
that he understands and endorses, but fails to internalize for his own
behavior. He views his marriage with his late wife as “winning the lot-
tery,” and therefore spends no time seeking a replacement.
While attending the annual weeklong family reunion at his parents’
spacious Rhode Island lakefront home, Dan meets Marie (Binoche),
an exotic young woman, at the bookstore in a nearby town. After a
mistaken identity introduction, they acknowledge their good chemistry,
common interests, and similar attitudes. Problems arise when they soon
discover she is the girlfriend of his youngest brother, Mitch (Cook),
and will be sharing uncomfortably close quarters for the next week
during the reunion. Dan and Marie try to fight their mutual attraction
by playing childish games, such as openly flirting with others on the
dance floor and speaking to each other in hostile tones. Their newfound
connection, however, can’t remain a secret for long among attentive
family members. Awkward and embarrassing moments prove to be too
much for Dan to handle and he cracks under the pressure, revealing
the truth in counterproductive ways. While his large, supportive family
wants him to find love, naturally they don’t want him to find love with
his brother’s girlfriend.
The Lesson: Dan’s childish behavior at the family reunion suggests he
reverts back to the same goofy kid he used to be (instead of the profes-
sional advice columnist he has become) when surrounded by relatives.
Had he and Marie been upfront and honest with his family, who knows
what might have happened? Dan might have left the family gathering
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and connected with Marie again later. Or perhaps they all could have
laughed about it, and Mitch could have bowed out gracefully. Whatever
the outcome, surely it would have been more comfortable than withhold-
ing the truth until it came bursting out of its own accord at the worst
possible times. (For another lesson from Dan in Real Life, see Love Les-
son 13 in Chapter One: Meeting Cute.)
Love Language: Have you ever been attracted to two siblings? Or has
someone else been attracted to you and your sibling? It makes perfect sense
when you think about it. Raised in a household with similar upbringing,
experiences, genetics, and physical features, two same-sex siblings close
in age easily could attract the same person. Likewise, siblings often bring
home girlfriends, boyfriends, and significant others who physically and
emotional resemble parents and other family members. Discuss with your
partner traits you admire about his or her family members.
LOVE LESSON 84: DON’T LET MAGICAL THINKING INFLUENCE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
Moonstruck (1987)
Director: Norman Jewison
Stars: Cher, Nicolas Cage, Danny Aiello
Estranged brothers Johnny (Aiello) and Ronny (Cage) Cammareri have a

longtime feud between them in this three-time Academy Award–winning
film. Mamma’s boy Johnny finally proposes marriage to Loretta (Cher),
a superstitious widow who eagerly accepts because she’s not in love with
him. When Loretta is tasked with delivering the news to Ronny, they have
unexpected sexual chemistry that surprises them both. A disfigured baker
with a bad attitude, Ronny represents the antithesis of his dispassionate
brother. Now faced with definite attraction and the potential for real
love, Loretta fears anyone she loves will suffer the same fate as her young
deceased husband. While her heart wants Ronny, her confused head wants
Johnny because she perceives safety in her indifference to him.
Poor Loretta is allowing magical thinking to dictate her actions, a
concept usually defined as when someone believes that one event results
in another without physical evidence or a plausible link of causation.
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Sibling Rivalry
Because she loved her late husband and he died prematurely, she figures
it’s her love that sealed his fate. So if she does not love her husband, he
will live a long and healthy life. She’s convinced her “bad luck” will sabo-
tage any new romantic encounters, and therefore her lack of passion for
Johnny motivates her to move forward with the wedding and end her
secret affair with Ronny.
The Lesson: Loretta’s muddled mind forces her to seek stability in the
arms of someone she likes, instead of someone she loves. Had she stepped
away from the situation briefly for clarity, she might have realized her
actions were illogical (not to mention hurtful to the two brothers). Nor-
mally in romantic comedies, it’s the fear of communicating true emotions
or misunderstandings caused by faulty communication that result in
couples not connecting. In this case, outspoken Loretta doesn’t hold back
what she thinks and feels; the problem is that what she thinks and feels
aren’t rational.
Love Language: Have you experienced something painful that
resulted in magical thinking on your part? Maybe this illogic resulted
from someone’s death or other misfortune that led you to leap to a faulty
conclusion. Examine your beliefs with a trusted friend or partner to see
if any of them are based on magical thinking.
LOVE LESSON 85: SYNCHRONICITIES IN YOUR LIFE SERVE AS GUIDEPOSTS FOR A

NEW DIRECTION.
Jeff, Who Lives at Home (2011)
Directors: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Stars: Jason Segel, Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Thirty-year-old Jeff (Segel) lives in his mother’s basement, where he

smokes pot and watches M. Night Shyamalan movies repeatedly because
of their messages about signs, symbols, and synchronicity. He’s unmar-
ried, unemployed, and usually unwashed. His lonely widowed mother
(Sarandon), who has a secret admirer at work, wants to kick him out of
the house. His older brother, Pat (Helms), is stuck in an unhappy mar-
riage and takes his frustration out on his brother in angry tirades.
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Convinced he has a higher purpose in life than wearing a suit and

tie and working 9 to 5, Jeff fixates on the name Kevin after receiving a
telephone call from someone mistakenly asking for Kevin. He knows
that somehow the name is intertwined with his own fate. Once the
connection is fully realized, Jeff can move on from his stagnant subter-
ranean resting place and find love and happiness. When he’s forced to
venture outside one day on an errand for his mother, he gets distracted
by seeing the name Kevin on signs, trucks, and a sports jersey. Jeff aim-
lessly follows the “Kevins” wherever they lead him, until he meets his
brother, his sister-in-law, his mother, her new lover, and destiny on a
congested Louisiana freeway.
The Lesson: Despite criticism and disbelief from those around him,
Jeff maintains his conviction that nothing is random, and everything has
a time and purpose in the broader scheme of life. His attention to syn-
chronicities and determination to understand them ultimately transform
his life and the lives of others.
Love Language: Provide love and emotional support to anyone
attempting to live life at a higher consciousness, even if it means their
lifestyle and belief system vary from the norm.
LOVE LESSON 86: DON’T TRY TO HIDE YOUR HERITAGE.

Stuck on You (2003)
Stars: Matt Damon, Greg Kinnear,
Genre: Comedy
In Stuck on You, adult conjoined twins Bob (Damon) and Walt (Kinnear)
Tenor experience the biggest challenge of their lives when they move
to Los Angeles from Rhode Island so Walt can pursue his television
acting career (where he hides the truth about his deformity through
camera tricks and glosses over his former career as a short-order cook)
and Bob can meet his online girlfriend (who knows nothing about his
physical condition or that he even has a brother) for the first time. (For
another lesson from Stuck on You, see Love Lesson 32 in Chapter Two:
Dating Services.)
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TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 87: NO ONE IS ENTIRELY GOOD OR BAD.

Twins (1988)
Director: Ivan Reitman
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, Kelly Preston, Chloe
Webb
Genre: Comedy
Genetically engineered fraternal twins Julius (Schwarzenegger) and

Vincent (DeVito) were separated at birth. Their births were the result
of several male geniuses donating their semen, and one exceptionally
talented, intelligent, and beautiful woman agreeing to bear the child.
Due to a side effect of the medical procedure, two children instead of
one were conceived. Privately tutored from birth on a remote South Seas
island, Julius grew up loved, nurtured, and supported to create a perfectly
balanced superhuman with physical perfection and intellectual capacities
beyond all others. Vincent, the unfortunate side effect, got all the lesser
leftover qualities of the donors and was raised in an orphanage. Although
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the men grew up with no knowledge of each other, they have similar
mannerisms and tastes, despite obvious physical differences and Julius’s
advantages from excellent nurturing.
When Julius learns he has a brother, he heads to Hollywood,
California, to find him. There the two mismatched twins ( Julius is a
peace-loving philosopher, and Vincent is a car thief and womanizer) go
on an adventure with two sisters to find the men’s birth mother. One
sister (Webb) is Vincent’s on-again, off-again girlfriend, and the other
sister (Preston) provides a love interest for Julius (and provides his first
sexual experience). For the men to truly relate as brothers and develop a
relationship with their mother, they will need to compromise a little and
focus on their similarities rather than their differences.
The Lesson: While seeking answers, the brothers find a scientist
involved in their genetic engineering experiment. He tells Vincent, “The
embryo did split in two, but it didn’t split equally. All the purity and
strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what
you see in the mirror every morning.” As popularized in the documentary
What the Bleep Do We Know?, Japanese researcher and alternative healer
Dr. Masaru Emoto proved in his water studies that thoughts and feelings
affect physical reality. By producing specific, focused intentions through
music, spoken words, and written words and presenting them directly to
water samples, the water appearance changed expression in accordance to
whether the vibrations were positive or negative. Could baby Vincent—
composed mostly of water like everyone else—have heard the scientists
calling him leftover crap, experienced their negative energy, and without
a nurturing environment to help him flourish, grown up to meet those
precise expectations? His self-perception clearly influenced the man he
became as an adult. It’s unclear whether enough positive messages from
Julius, Vincent’s girlfriend, and their mother can undo all the earlier
damage, but it’s certainly worth an attempt.
Love Language: Strive to find the good in people who are outwardly
bad, and work toward understanding when people you thought were
entirely good display imperfections and frailties. Forgive your own defi-
ciencies as well.
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LOVE LESSON 88: MAKE SURE YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS SOLID BEFORE
INTRODUCING YOUR PARTNER TO YOUR FAMILY.
Legends of the Fall (1995)
Director: Edward Zwick
Stars: Brad Pitt, Henry Thomas, Aidan Quinn, Julia Ormond
Bringing home your new fiancée to meet the family is always a tricky
business, with various skeletons hidden in the closet and the family black
sheep to hide. But imagine living in the remote wilderness in the early
1900s and being the youngest son, Samuel (Thomas), bringing home
your new sweetheart to the Montana ranch where your family resides.
Now also imagine you’re a naive young lad just out of college and your
sweetheart meets Tristan (Pitt), the untamed, blue-eyed, golden-haired,
bear-battling middle son and favorite child of your father.
As the stereotype goes, middle children are known to misbehave to
get attention, to be trailblazers to establish uniqueness, and be justice-
seekers as the result of feeling squashed between the overachieving
firstborn and the spoiled baby of the family. According to an article by
Katrin Schumann in Psychology Today, they also have another distinctive
trait: “A study we conducted showed that middles are more open-minded
and adventurous about sex.” Indeed, Tristan’s presence has a powerful
effect on Susannah (Ormond), who also piques the sexual interest of
older brother (and as the stereotype continues, overachiever) Alfred
(Quinn). The messy love triangle turns into a sloppy square with all three
brothers interested in the same woman, but her focus stays on bear-
obsessed Tristan. Tension, jealousy, anger, and emotions pent up for years
threaten to destroy this strong family of men as fate narrows the playing
field, and Susannah eventually makes her decision.
The Lesson: All kidding aside, it shouldn’t matter how good-looking
your siblings are or where they fall in the birthing order. You should feel
safe enough in your romantic relationship and safe enough within your
family that an initial meeting between these two potentially volatile fac-
tions is something you actually want to do. Introducing someone before
he or she is ready, before you are ready, or before your family is ready can
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lead to unpleasant results, as in the case of Legends of the Fall. If Susan-

nah’s love for Samuel were true, Tristan’s flowing locks and chiseled abs
would have barely generated a glance in his direction. So for the comfort
of everyone involved, family meetings are best delayed until relationships
are firmly established, and engagements are best delayed until both par-
ties are mature enough to understand commitment.
Love Language: Part of Susannah’s appeal is her cultivation. Without
being snooty, she brings an air of sophistication, charm, and culture to
their rugged lifestyle on the ranch. Discuss with your partner what you
bring to his or her family and what is in turn brought to yours.
LOVE LESSON 89: DON’T START BELIEVING YOUR OWN STORY.

While You Were Sleeping (1995)
Director: Jon Turteltaub
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Bill Pullman, Peter Gallagher
Virtually lost in the big city, Lucy (Bullock) works at an unsatisfying job
collecting tokens for the Chicago Transit Authority, has no close living
relatives, and lives a life devoid of love. Her sad story of loneliness—of
not belonging to a family or someone who loves her—follows her every-
where she goes. She fantasizes about Peter (Gallagher), a handsome man
who regularly takes the train. Shockingly, one day he is brutally mugged
and left for dead on the train tracks. Lucy rescues him and takes the first
step toward crossing from fantasy into reality when the hospital staff and
the comatose man’s family mistake her for his fiancée, affording her the
luxuries that role generally entitles.
Lucy becomes immersed in his family, included, accepted, and loved
by all, except the man’s brother, Jack (Pullman). It turns out the man she
had watched for so long is actually not such an admirable character, and
his less-flashy brother, Jack, far more resembles the type of man she has
dreamed about all her life. Even though she continues the charade of being
Peter’s beloved, she begins a new fantasy about Jack, a woodworker unin-
terested in the family business of estate buying. She becomes so engrossed
in her fantasy world, she even believes it herself sometimes. Eventually the
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truth of her situation becomes known to all, and both of her fantasy men
may reject her unless she can manage to create a happy new reality.
The Lesson: Of course, Lucy should have clarified her relationship
(or lack thereof ) to the victim as soon as possible. To have perpetuated
the lie is not only deceitful, but counterproductive to her goal of devel-
oping a relationship with the handsome stranger. Had she been honest
from the beginning, she still could have developed ties with his charm-
ing family, only her identity would be the lovely token collector who
saved Peter’s life instead of his fake fiancée who knows nothing about
him. Her reluctance to admit the truth seems based in her willingness
to believe in her own fantasies, no matter how outlandish. Ultimately
she learns her reality can outshine any story she tells about herself or
fantasy she can imagine.
Love Language: Maybe one of your fantasies (related to school, career,
friendships, or romance) has materialized. Did your imagination under-
play or overplay the benefits of actualizing your dream? Discuss current
fantasies you have in some area of your life that currently seem unobtain-
able. At one time did the materialized fantasy also seem unobtainable,
and if so, how was it achieved?
LOVE LESSON 90: STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF DESPITE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Brothers (2009)
Director: Jim Sheridan
Stars: Natalie Portman, Tobey Maguire, and Jake Gyllenhaal
Genre: Drama
In this disturbing remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre, war, heroism,
psychological damage, family legacies, love, and sibling rivalry are among
the subjects explored. Marine Captain Sam Cahill (Maguire) enjoys life
with his wife, Grace (Portman), and their children. This idyllic relation-
ship changes abruptly when Sam is sent to Afghanistan during wartime.
His Black Hawk helicopter gets shot down, and he becomes a prisoner of
war, tortured mercilessly by the Taliban. Meanwhile back at home, Grace
is informed by the military that all marines on board the helicopter,
including her husband, perished during a horrific crash. She gets comfort
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from her brother-in-law, Sam’s younger sibling, Tommy (Gyllenhaal),

who works hard to redeem his criminal past by helping Grace and the
kids get through the tragedy. Tommy renovates her kitchen, babysits the
children, takes the family ice-skating, and kisses Grace during a weak
moment as they grow closer together.
When Sam gets rescued from the Taliban fighters, he struggles with
guilt about surviving when his fellow soldiers did not. In addition to this,
he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and detects romantic vibes
between his wife and his brother. Soon, the heroic brother and wayward
brother shift roles. Sam’s transformation is unpleasant to watch, and
the war veteran bears little resemblance to the heroic persona from the
beginning of the movie. Grace’s experience also makes for uncomfortable
viewing, as she attempts to behave admirably through the increasingly
dangerous situation. Obviously it’s easy to love Sam when he’s a hero and
Tommy when he’s charming, but the two actors have quite a challenge
making us root for their characters when their emotional damage threat-
ens to destroy themselves and those around them.
The Lesson: Despite the horrors of war, his imprisonment, and his
conflicted return home, Sam should have sought professional counseling
to help him adjust to the changes while maintaining his authentic self.
Though this process would not have been quick or easy, it might have
saved his marriage, his other familial relationships, and ultimately, his
soul. Every experience—good or bad—has the potential to leave marks
on someone’s psyche. What Sam did with his experiences is hardly
heroic; he unleashed his rage for the inhumanity of war toward innocent
family members. The conflicts brought out the worst in him and the best
in his brother.
Love Language: Obviously people need not experience war to develop
post-traumatic stress disorder. Physical and psychological assaults,
ongoing abuse, accidents, lost love, and a variety of other conditions can
trigger PTSD. This particular love language is spoken by mental health
counselors who specialize in this area and can offer guidance and support,
and by psychiatrists who can prescribe medication to help those working
to get past the trauma.
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LOVE LESSON 91: PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Feeling Minnesota (1996)
Director: Steven Baigelman
Stars: Keanu Reeves, Cameron Diaz, Vincent D’Onofrio
Genre: Crime Comedy/Drama
Jjaks Clayton (Reeves) had a difficult childhood. It started immediately

when his first name was misspelled on his birth certificate. From there,
he grew up with his single mom, who greatly favored her first child, Sam
(D’Onofrio), a bully who tortured and teased his younger brother, until he
was sent away to live elsewhere while Sam stayed with their boozy mother.
Jjaks grew up feeling lonely and abandoned, so naturally turned into a
loner, drifter, and small-time criminal as an adult. If it weren’t for his good
looks and desire not to return to prison, he’d have little to offer any woman.
Sam remains the same bully as before, only now as an adult, he has a
gun and his targets have expanded beyond his younger brother. Freddie
(Diaz), suspected of stealing money from a local drug lord, is coerced into
marrying Sam as punishment for her supposed crime. At the invitation
of his mother, Jjaks shows up at their wedding and faces Sam’s wrath for
daring to arrive without a gift. Jjaks retaliates by having sex with Freddie
in a bathroom shortly after the wedding ceremony concludes.
Hating Sam with a passion, Freddie takes an immediate liking to his
handsome brother, who has secondary gain from the interlude: In addi-
tion to a quick romp with a beautiful woman, he gets to take something
from his brother, for a change. Being a loner who only halfheartedly
wants to stay clean, Jjaks knows getting emotionally attached to his new
sister-in-law opens the door to more trouble. Every other time he’s revis-
ited his childhood home, he gets that low-down, depressed Minnesota
feeling, but this time he feels happy because of Freddie. After spending
more time with her and enjoying a cramped-car sexual encounter, he
finds that amazingly happy feeling remains. So despite the odds of mak-
ing it work and even getting out of Minnesota alive, Jjaks and Freddie
take off on a romantic adventure—followed by Sam and his gun.
The Lesson: Jjaks has been unhappy his entire life. Although he meets
Freddie under some of the worst conditions possible, he knows he must
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do whatever it takes to hang on to the happiness. Freddie’s life also has

been filled with trouble, and Jjaks can offer her the happiness she craves,
excitement she wants, and love she needs, but it’s doubtful either of these
two lawbreakers can offer the other stability.
Love Language: As with all relationship entanglements, watch out
for the problem of secondary gain when getting involved with multiple
family siblings, romantically or platonically. Be sure that neither your
primary nor secondary motive in getting close to one person is to hurt,
manipulate, or anger another.
LOVE LESSON 92: THE GOOD ENERGY YOU GIVE OUT COMES BACK
TO YOU MULTIPLIED.
Music and Lyrics (2007)
Director: Marc Lawrence
Stars: Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore, Kristen Johnston
Fading 1980s pop star Alex Fletcher (Grant) meets Sophie (Barrymore)
when she fills in for a friend who maintains the plants in Alex’s apart-
ment. When Sophie surprisingly displays more talent writing song lyrics
than the arrogant wordsmith who was supposed to work on a new song
with him, Alex feels the pressure from the impending deadline and begs
her to help him. Doubting her writing ability after a traumatic affair with
one of her college professors who ridiculed her work, Sophie refuses to
sign on as his lyricist.
In an effort to soften her stance on writing for him, Alex invites her
to attend his upcoming concert, but she declines that offer, too, until her
aggressive older sister ( Johnston), a huge fan of Fletcher’s former band,
convinces her they both should go to the concert. As a favor to her sis-
ter, Sophie eventually acquiesces and they attend the concert. This event
produces a chain reaction that leads to Sophie coming to terms with her
past, beginning a new career, recognizing her true potential, and finding
the romantic love that has been missing from her life.
The Lesson: “Opposites attract” is a physical law concerning positively
charged subatomic particles (protons) that are drawn toward nega-
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Sibling Rivalry
tively charged subatomic particles (electrons). The metaphysical Law of

Attraction concerns similar energies (as opposed to magnetically charged
particles) attracting each other; in other words, “like attracts like.” In
accordance with this second “law,” sending out positive energy into
the universe through our thoughts and actions will attract people and
experiences into our life that are energetically compatible with our own
vibration. So whatever we seek in life is also seeking us. Although fear
leads Sophie to refuse Alex’s initial job offer and concert invitation, her
love for her sister and actions associated with that love open the door for
more positive experiences in her life. (For another lesson from Music and
Lyrics, see Love Lesson 105 in Chapter Seven: Old Flames.)
Love Language: Notice how you speak to your partner, your fam-
ily members, your coworkers, and hospitality workers. Do your words
reflect positive energy you would like to have returned to you multi-
plied or negative energy that you would hate to have returned to you
multiplied? After evaluating what you say, try using the same criteria to
examine how you behave.
LOVE LESSON 93: REFUSE TO LIVE IN ANYONE’S SHADOW.

America’s Sweethearts (2001)
Director: Joe Roth
Stars: Julia Roberts, John Cusack, Catherine Zeta-Jones
Since they were teenagers, Kiki (Roberts) has worked as a personal assis-
tant for her older sister, Gwen (Zeta-Jones), a glamorous movie star. As
long as Kiki was quiet, obedient, and sixty pounds overweight, Gwen
felt confident of her superiority. Now that Kiki has lost the weight and
boosted her confidence somewhat, she’s more threatening to her sister,
whose demands become increasingly more outrageous each day. Eddie
(Cusack), Gwen’s estranged movie star husband, still obsesses over his
cheating wife, but can’t help noticing the transformation in her younger
sister when he shows up at a press junket and causes a scene.
They make the perfect couple on-screen, but off-screen Gwen and
Eddie are a nightmare. Gwen had an affair, and Eddie plowed into her
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and her lover with his motorcycle before being whisked off to a rehab
center. Kiki has always loved her brother-in-law with more than a sis-
terly interest, but Gwen’s jealous, egomaniacal mind-set isn’t the type to
share her wealth. She doesn’t want Eddie, but doesn’t want anyone else—
especially little sis—to have him. Until Kiki learns to confront the bully
head-on, she won’t be able to break free from her oppression, and perhaps
explore a romantic relationship of her own, for once.
The Lesson: Kiki’s negative self-image was expressed through her
weight, but based on the dysfunctional duo’s interactions with each
other. Gwen’s abusive behavior toward her younger sister provides daily
confirmation of Kiki’s place in her shadow. Her excess weight represents
the outer manifestation of her inner problems, so Kiki’s best chance for
happiness lies in her newfound ability to express herself rather than her
sleek physique and ability to deny herself breadsticks.
Love Language: How you dress, your attention to grooming, what you
say, the way you walk, each of your mannerisms, and, yes, your weight
speak volumes about your self-image. Make sure you’re “saying” what you
want people to “hear.”
LOVE LESSON 94: DON’T TAKE DATING ADVICE FROM THOSE WHO DON’T HAVE
YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
Blades of Glory (2007)
Directors: Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Stars: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Jenna Fischer, Amy Poehler, Will Arnett
Genre: Comedy
The world’s two best men’s figure skaters get banned for life and stripped
of their medals after brawling at the awards ceremony where they tied
for first place. After their public disgrace, sex addict/poet Chazz Michael
Michaels (Ferrell) and virginal pretty boy Jimmy MacElroy (Heder) go
their separate ways for the next three years. Chazz performs in a corny ice
show, until he’s fired for being drunk on the job. Jimmy works at a skate
shop, where he’s mistreated by customers and management. Eventually
the two men come together again, only this time as partners rather than
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Sibling Rivalry
rivals, as they take advantage of a loophole in the rules that allows them
to compete again as the first male-male skating pair in history.
Among their chief competitors are the brother-sister Van Wald-
enberg team, Fairchild and Stranz (Poehler and Arnett). Their younger
sister, Katie (Fischer), and Jimmy take an immediate liking to each other
when they meet shortly before a competition. Fairchild instantly recog-
nizes their attraction as an opportunity to gain an edge in the competi-
tion by spying on Chazz and Jimmy. She coaches Katie on crude sexual
innuendos, dictates her inappropriate clothing for their first date, and
eventually manipulates her little sister into secretly filming their skating
practice sessions and seducing Chazz to break up the duo. Fairchild
and Stranz use their parents’ car accident (in which Katie was the only
survivor) as leverage for their ongoing emotional blackmail and virtual
enslavement of her. Although Katie knows Fairchild has exploited her
countless times in the past, she follows her older sister’s advice, knowing
her actions will sabotage her budding relationship with Jimmy and ruin
the male duo’s chances of winning the championship.
The Lesson: Katie realizes her sister and brother speak to her unkindly
and manipulate her with emotional blackmail for their own selfish pur-
poses. Even so, without another family member to defend her or close
friend to look out for her, Katie is too weak to stand up for herself. By
caving in to their pressure, she behaves in opposition to her sexual morals,
becomes a manipulator herself by using Chazz’s sex addiction against him,
and knowingly puts a wedge between herself and Jimmy. Had she refused
to cooperate with her siblings and notified the authorities of their plans—
in addition to cautioning Jimmy and Chazz—she might have avoided
the embarrassment, misunderstandings, and physical harm the two men
endured. She also would have gained more self-respect by not agreeing to
do the dirty work for her sister and brother. Instead, she doesn’t gain any
courage until some of the injuries and injustices have already occurred.
Love Language: Being blood relatives doesn’t necessarily make people
less toxic, and sometimes it increases the toxicity as generations resent
each other for carrying on (or not carrying on) family patterns and tradi-
tions. If you recognize a family member as toxic—sibling or otherwise—
it’s still possible to maintain a relationship without letting them influence
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your opinions or affect your self-worth. One way to help process this kind
of hurtful language is to put it in the context of the person speaking,
their motivation for saying what they did, and how they might have been
spoken to previously to generate those kind of thoughts. Discuss toxic
people with your partner, and share opinions of how to deal with them.
LOVE LESSON 95: SECRETS RARELY REMAIN SECRET FOR LONG.

Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998)
Director: Andy Tennant
Stars: Drew Barrymore, Dougray Scott, Megan Dodds, Melanie Lynskey
What if the legend of Cinderella were actually based on a real non-

magical story that involved an orphaned girl forced to surrender her
home and possessions to the evil woman her father married just before
his death? In this feminist version of the Cinderella story, strong-willed,
well-read Danielle (Barrymore) overcomes forced servitude by her step-
mother, scorn and ridicule from her conniving stepsister, and prejudice
from the royal family as she makes her way through life and toward love.
At one point, Danielle pretends to be a countess in order to buy back
friends who had been sold by her stepmother. During this charade, she
meets Prince Henry (Scott), who takes a personal interest in the feisty
young woman. They engage in secret meetings and a romance begins, as
she goes to extremes to hide who she really is from the prince. When her
true identity becomes known, as it always does, his royal snobbishness
acts in a most unpleasant manner. Horrified that his beloved is a cinder
girl, Prince Henry starts reconsidering the charms of her beautiful but
cruel stepsister, Marguerite (Dodds), who never tires of plotting against
Danielle. Aided in small part by her other stepsister, the less physically
lovely but far kinder Jacqueline (Lynskey), Danielle eventually gets closer
to finding her happily ever after. And to make the ending truly satisfying,
Marguerite and her mother get what they deserve, too.
The Lesson: Danielle does many things right in this movie, and she
does them on her own without reliance on supernatural assistance.
Although smart, loyal, brave, and strong, she should not have perpetu-
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ated the lie of her identity as a countess. She correctly intuited the prince
would lose interest in her, but some of his disgust also may have been
because he was publicly embarrassed and lied to over an extended period
of time. Most people do not enjoy public humiliation, yet they both
endured it because of her lie. His snobbishness certainly played a part
in his negative reaction, but most likely he would have responded more
appropriately if Danielle had been honest right away.
Love Language: To which fairy-tale character do you most relate and
why? What about your partner? Discuss the comparisons and contrasts
of your fairy-tale alter egos.
LOVE LESSON 96: KEEP AN OPEN MIND WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANTIC PARTNERS.
Sense and Sensibility (1995)
Director: Ang Lee
Stars: Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant,
Greg Wise
Genre: Romantic Historical Drama
Based on the classic Jane Austen novel of the same name, Sense and
Sensibility focuses on the newly impoverished Dashwood sisters, Elinor
(Thompson) and Marianne (Winslet). The women aren’t rivals for the
same love interests as much as they are competitors on the theory of
love. Older, more sensible Elinor believes in logic, restraint, duty, honor,
respect, and integrity as the traits necessary for making a good romantic
match. On the other hand, younger, with unrestrained romantic sensi-
bilities, Marianne is convinced that passion, excitement, spontaneity, and
chemistry are the only requirements for love.
Both appear to find what they’re looking for when Elinor meets
the highly proper and responsible Edward (Grant), and Marianne
gets swept off her feet by the impetuous Willoughby (Wise). In early
nineteenth-century England, strict rules of society and laws concerning
inheritance threaten both relationships. Meanwhile, a wealthy retired
colonel (Rickman) would be an excellent choice for Elinor, but his
obsession lies with the younger sister instead. Their supportive mother,
gossiping neighbors, and greedy relatives all have their opinions on love
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as well, and aren’t afraid to voice them. The “winner” of the Dashwood
sisters’ competition, however, may be the one who is most willing to
compromise on her views of love.
The Lesson: Although Elinor and Marianne suffer tremendously from
the actions (and inactions) of their lovers, ultimately they get what they
need. Along the way, both women compromise somewhat on their origi-
nal long-held resolutions on love. They are forced by the circumstances of
life to embrace the gray area between reality and their initial convictions.
This change does not come easily for either of them, as pain and growth
often are intertwined, and they are most assuredly connected for the
Dashwood sisters.
Love Language: Maybe it’s time to re-examine your views on love.
Do they more resemble the sensible ideas of Elinor or the romantic sen-
sibilities of Marianne? What elements in your past relationships and in
the relationship of your parents might account for your views? Compare
and contrast these ideas with those of your partner, a trusted friend, or
better yet, a sibling.
LOVE LESSON 97: YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU BY WHAT YOU TOLERATE.
Sunshine Cleaning (2009)
Director: Christine Jeffs
Stars: Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Steve Zahn
Genre: Comedy/Drama
In this dark comedy, Rose (Adams) was once the most popular girl in
high school as the cheerleading captain and girlfriend of the quarterback.
Now she struggles as a single mother with no marketable skills. When
her married policeman lover, the former quarterback Mac (Zahn), tells
her how lucrative crime scene cleanup can be, she talks her younger sis-
ter, Norah (Blunt), into joining her in this new career endeavor. Norah,
who still lives at home with their eccentric father and rarely makes any
attempt at earning an income, grudgingly agrees to help her sister in
this physically demanding and emotionally draining work, and the two
impoverished sisters begin a biohazard removal and cleanup service for
crime scenes—typically murders and suicides.
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After they’ve started the business, they discover that strict laws gov-
ern the removal of biohazardous waste materials found at crime scenes.
Although Rose has some janitorial experience, she is ill-prepared for the
bloodbath that awaits her on the job and the legal requirements for bio-
hazardous waste. As Rose and Norah expand the business over time, they
develop emotions toward the houses and people who once lived there,
make lots of money from the assignments, and receive a crash course in
environmental safety. The most important outcome, however, is the bond
they form with each other that helps them overcome a tragic family history
and continue their long-stunted personal development as individuals.
The Lesson: Rose may have peaked in high school when she was a
cheerleader and dated the class stud, but that doesn’t mean she can’t strive
to re-create herself in a new, improved older version that in some ways
surpasses her former self. Instead of pursuing a steady career, she works
as an occasional cleaning lady before starting Sunshine Cleaning Service.
Instead of freeing herself to pursue a healthy romantic relationship, she
continues an affair with her married beau, who treats her badly because
she lets him do so. And rather than work out the problems caused by her
mother’s suicide, she and her sister can barely function on top of their
emotional damage. When the movie begins, Rose desperately needs to
clean up her act and luckily finds the perfect way to do it. By the end of
the film, she has a career to be proud of, stronger family ties, and a new
outlook on love.
Love Language: Exploring why we choose our selected professions
can be quite enlightening. What does your career choice say about your
fears and desires?
LOVE LESSON 98: LIFE IS A MIXTURE OF THE TERRIFIC AND THE TERRIBLE.
The Skeleton Twins (2014)
Director: Craig Johnson
Stars: Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Luke Wilson, Joanna Gleason
Genre: Comedy/Drama
After an initial voice-over proclaims, “Maybe we were doomed from the

beginning,” followed by childhood flashbacks, this film launches into
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almost simultaneous suicide attempts by two estranged opposite-sex

adult twins. Maggie (Wiig) and Milo (Hader) Dean haven’t spoken
in ten years because of an earlier disagreement. However, their suicidal
tendencies, which manifest on the same night, draw them together again
to help each other heal. Married to good-natured outdoorsman Lance
(Wilson), Maggie hides an extramarital affair from him as she copes with
chronic unhappiness. Milo, her deeply depressed gay twin brother, comes
to stay with her in her upstate New York home to escape his life (and
near death) in Los Angeles, where he struggles to find work as an actor
and heal his broken heart after being jilted by his boyfriend. Now back
in his hometown, Milo seeks out his former lover, an older teacher who
seduced him in high school.
As Maggie and Milo renew their old bond, they share long-
concealed secrets. Both dwell on the terrible aspects of life and love,
attract the wrong partners, and consistently make self-destructive
choices. Their focus almost entirely on the negative aspects of life con-
trasts sharply with their mother (Gleason), who pays them a brief visit.
Self-centered and in denial, she provides a peek at what their home life
must have been like as children after their father’s suicide when they were
teenagers. Now conducting New Age insight seminars and insisting they
only discuss “pleasant things” because “everything is terrific,” her inability
to talk about the uglier side of life ensures that these issues forever remain
just beneath the surface in herself and her unhealed grown children.
Referred to as “The Gruesome Twosome” in their youth, Maggie and
Milo spent happy times with their father and retain his fascination with
dark macabre elements, such as costumes, masks, face paint, skeletons,
and death. Unresolved issues with their father’s death and their mother’s
failure to deal with her grief have erected barriers for both twins on their
journeys to find love and happiness.
The Lesson: Contrary to some New Age thought that dismisses all
negativity and personal history, the past and present are nearly always
a combination of the terrific and the terrible. Recognizing the origin of
negative thoughts is essential to understanding and managing them. On
the other hand, focusing exclusively on the negative produces the utter
hopelessness experienced by Maggie and Milo when they attempted
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suicide. Acknowledging the beauty hidden among the ugliness, and

acknowledging the dark within the light (although refusing to give it
power), provides a healthier and more realistic approach to life that
would help stabilize the Dean twins (and everyone else). (For another
lesson from The Skeleton Twins, see Love Lesson 122 in Chapter Eight:
Emotional Baggage.)
Love Language: Suicidal thoughts should be discussed with a mental
health professional or a doctor, rather than your partner. However, if you
have other less-traumatic events from your childhood that you want to
share, go ahead and enlist the aid of your partner or a trusted friend.
Remember to find the balance between the terrific and the terrible, and
find something good that emerged from the bad.
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Chapter Seven
OLD FLAMES
What would happen if movie characters “meet cute,” fall in

love, and endure no crazy ex-lovers suddenly reappearing to stir up trou-
ble? What if both families get along, and the couple never argues and
breaks up, but progresses unimpeded toward marital bliss and happily
ever after? Here’s what would happen: That story would become a twen-
ty-minute film wedged into the shorts program of a film festival desper-
ately needing to fill that time slot. This would be the time when people
sneak out of the theater to buy popcorn or visit the restroom.
Without conflict, romance is boring. And there’s no one better to
produce conflict than a former lover who’s a cad, scoundrel, schemer, or
sociopath intent on having his or her partner back or ruining the new
relationship just for the fun of it. Or perhaps a gorgeous old flame re-
enters someone’s life to make the new girlfriend/boyfriend feel inferior.
Typically, screenwriters enjoy bringing in lovers from the past to compli-
cate stories and set the romance back a step or two, because they provide
an excellent basis for comparison and contrast to current lovers.
Less frequently, an old flame comes back to claim his or her former
lover and save them from an unpleasant new suitor, as in Prizzi’s Honor,
The Illusionist, and The Princess Bride (see Love Lesson 69). One way or
another, previous lovers turn up the heat in romances and produce the
essential conflict needed to keep viewers in their seats.
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Old Flames
LOVE LESSON 99: JEALOUS AND REACTIVE EX-LOVERS WHO STAY JEALOUS AND
REACTIVE NEED TO STAY EX-LOVERS.
Prizzi’s Honor (1985)
Director: John Huston
Stars: Jack Nicholson, Angelica Huston, Kathleen Turner
Genre: Crime Drama
Charley Partanna (Nicholson) kills people for a living. It’s nothing per-
sonal, of course, merely his job working as a hit man for the Prizzi family
crime syndicate that rules the East Coast. His loyalty to the Prizzi family
was sworn in blood as a young man, and he doesn’t question authority or
go against orders—with two exceptions. He calls off his engagement to
Maerose Prizzi (Huston), granddaughter of the Prizzi patriarch, after she
cheats on him in retaliation for dancing with another woman at a party.
This disgrace gets Maerose banned from the family.
Charley would have been wise to remember the extent of her jealousy
and desire for revenge when he falls in love with freelance hit woman
Irene Walker (Turner) and goes to Maerose for advice. She tells him to
marry his new love so she can get back in the Prizzi family’s good graces.
Until Charley marries, Maerose remains an outcast. Naturally the other
Prizzi family members discourage the marriage to a West Coast killer
who murdered one of their own, yet Charley goes against the family’s
authority a second time. He takes Maerose’s advice and quickly weds
the sultry killer, who lies, steals, and kills without hesitation or remorse.
Both husband and wife keep dangerous Mafia secrets from the other,
and Maerose’s behind-the-scene machinations further doom this newly
formed relationship.
The Lesson: There’s a reason why an ex is an ex. Unless both parties
learn from their experiences and change their thinking and behavior, the
same problems will resurface in the relationship. Neither thickheaded
Charley (who admits to Irene about not understanding the science of
love) nor Maerose (whose ongoing jealousy and bitterness are apparent)
appear to have grown emotionally over the years. If the two reunite, it’s
unlikely their romantic partnership will be a happy one.
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Love Language: Don’t be tempted to get back together with an old

flame unless you both have changed the behaviors that presented prob-
lems. Promises to change aren’t enough. Have a frank discussion about
problematic areas in the past and plans for how to address those potential
problems in the future.
LOVE LESSON 100: PAIN BEATS REGRET.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)
Director: Mark Waters
Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas
Fashion photographer and serial womanizer Connor Mead (McCo-

naughey) reluctantly takes a break from photographing scantily clad
models to attend his younger brother’s wedding as the best man. Held
at the estate of their late Uncle Wayne (Douglas), a single playboy who
raised the two boys after their parents’ death, the wedding party includes
maid of honor Jenny (Garner), a childhood friend of Connor’s who broke
his heart at a dance in middle school. Having never worked out their
issues, Jenny and he act more like adversaries than former friends.
With more of a mind-set to break up the wedding than to support
the happy couple, Connor rails against monogamy and marriage, refuses
to make a toast or take any photographs, and accidentally ruins the wed-
ding cake. He even causes a scene at the rehearsal dinner, proclaiming,
“Love is the magical comfort food for the weak and the uneducated.”
While at the mansion, Connor gets visited by the ghost of his uncle tell-
ing him three ghosts will appear that night: the ghosts of girlfriends past,
present, and future to warn him to change his ways. These ghosts, and
the visions they present, convince him that his uncle’s lifestyle, on which
his own life is based, contains serious flaws in logic. He also realizes how
much Jenny has always meant to him.
Love Lesson: Hidden beneath the slapstick, this film actually does
provide keen insights on relationships. Connor is so afraid of getting
hurt again and feeling that awful pain of abandonment (like he did after
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Old Flames
his parents died and then again at the middle school dance when Jenny
left him to dance with someone else), that he shuts down all emotions. A
faucet turned off at the source can provide no hot or cold water. Similarly,
Connor doesn’t merely toughen himself to avoid feeling pain, but dulls
all his emotions and coasts through life superficially, feeling nothing at
all. This, in turn, inspires no deep emotions for him from others, except
his younger brother, who alone hopes Connor someday will change back
into the loving person he was as a youth and take a chance on love so he
will have no regrets later in life.
Love Language: After his visits from the three ghosts, Connor says
the power in all relationships is in who cares least, and the happiness in
all relationships is in who cares most. Do you and your partner agree with
one or both of these statements? How important is power in the search
for happiness? Is it possible to balance the power and happiness between
both partners?
LOVE LESSON 101: SOMETIMES THE MAGIC LASTS A LIFETIME.

Director: Neil Burger
Stars: Edward Norton, Jessica Biel, Rufus Sewell
Genre: Mystery/Drama/Romance
In The Illusionist, the great magician Eisenheim (Norton) and Sophie

(Biel) loved each other as children, and after many years of separation
meet again as adults and find their feelings remain intact, despite her
impending marriage to a violent and narcissistic prince (Sewell). Luck-
ily Eisenheim has a few tricks up his sleeve to reclaim his woman. (For
another lesson from The Illusionist, see Love Lesson 78 in Chapter Five:
The Look of Love.)
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BULL’S EYE ENTERTAINMENT/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 102: THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE YOUNGER AND BETTER LOOKING.
Date Movie (2006)
Directors: Aaron Seltzer, Jason Friedberg
Stars: Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Sophie Monk
Date Movie spoofs specific films in the genre, pop culture, and romantic
movie clichés, such as the impossibly beautiful and sexy former fiancée
who’s still not quite over her ex. In this case, morbidly obese and chron-
ically unhappy Julia Jones (Hannigan) undergoes a painful and expen-
sive physical makeover to be good enough to date the suave, extremely
British Grant Funkyerdoder (Campbell). Now cute and perky, she’s still
adjusting to the transformation and has a slowly developing confidence
in her new appearance.
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Old Flames
After a brief dating period, Julia and Grant become engaged, and
she gets a chance to meet his parents and his intended best man for the
wedding. Grant’s selected best man is none other than Andy (Monk),
his former fiancée who looks like a supermodel, usually wears a string
bikini, moves in slow motion with a sexy soundtrack, and wants to
reclaim Grant as her own. Faced with such overwhelming competition,
Julia regresses to her previous state of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Andy takes sadistic delight in torturing her rival for Grant’s affections.
And naturally, Grant remains clueless about the relationship dynamics
between the two women.
The Lesson: Julia’s makeover and weight-loss program improves her
negative self-image and provides her with substantial health benefits.
Her faulty assumption that Grant will fall in love with Andy again
merely because she’s better looking is based on her long-held belief that
she’s not worth loving. If that were the case, then even Andy could never
hold on to a man, because there’s always someone younger and better
looking on the horizon. Likewise, Grant stands to lose every woman he
loves to any man who’s younger, blonder, cuter, and more British.
Love Language: Loving yourself and others for a blend of physical,
intellectual, and emotional qualities is the only criteria for dating that
makes any sense. Pick a day when it feels like the universe has your back,
and make a list of your strengths in all three categories listed in the pre-
vious sentence. Refer to this list on dark days when you feel unloved or
unappreciated.
LOVE LESSON 103: CARRY ON LIVING YOUR LIFE.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Director: Nicholas Stoller
Stars: Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russell Brand, Bill Hader
Peter Bretter (Segel) and Sarah Marshall (Bell) have lived together for
five years. As far as Peter knows, everything’s been going fine. Sarah seals
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his opened cereal boxes and lets him share her space, and that’s about all
he needs to be content, which is a good thing because she provides little
else in the way of a loving companion. Peter composes music for a tele-
vision program, lounges on the couch watching celebrity gossip shows,
and enjoys the status of being the boyfriend of the Sarah Marshall, star
of a television crime drama. So when she unceremoniously dumps him
one day and moves out, Peter, who is shocked, saddened, and naked at the
time, couldn’t be any more vulnerable.
Seeing his brother wallowing in self-pity, Brian (Hader) suggests
Peter go to an exotic Hawaiian resort to help him forget about Sarah.
Unfortunately, Sarah happens to be at the same resort with her new
boyfriend, Aldous Snow (Brand), a sleazy rock star with a bad attitude.
(For another movie featuring the Aldous Snow character, see Get Him
to the Greek, Love Lesson 175 in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.) This
heavenly retreat turns into hell for Peter, until he gets an emotional
boost from Rachel (Kunis), a hotel receptionist aware of his predica-
ment, who invites him to various activities at the resort. Snow speaks
bluntly to a pushy server who (like countless others) wants him to listen
to his demo reel of music and help him get a record deal: “I was gonna
listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.” While hardly a
role model, Snow apparently has mastered the art of moving on—with
relationships, with his career, and with his life—which Peter would do
well to emulate.
The Lesson: Peter’s relationship with Sarah keeps him content, but
unmotivated and uninspired. She provides the bare minimum of kindness
necessary to keep him hanging on. The gift of her leaving takes Peter a
while to appreciate, but eventually he realizes the necessity of carrying on
with his life so he can grow as a person and get off the couch.
Love Language: If Peter had paid closer attention to the way Sarah
spoke to him instead of focusing on her fame, fortune, and appearance, he
would have recognized sooner that it was time to move on. Do people in
your life speak to you unkindly—or with thinly veiled contempt? Maybe
it’s time to carry on living your life without them.
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LOVE LESSON 104: PAST RELATIONSHIPS MET THE NEEDS OF THE PAST.
Director: Jay Roach
Stars: Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Teri Polo, Owen Wilson
The first in the three-part movie series that includes Meet the Fockers
and Little Fockers, this film looks at a worst-case scenario visit of a man
meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Greg Focker (Stiller)
endures lost luggage at the airport, followed by insults (implications
that he lied about his medical exams), accusations (he’s a pothead), and
humiliations (he is supplied with tiny Speedos at a pool party where
all other males wear long swim trunks). He endures this behavior from
his girlfriend Pam’s (Polo) friends and family, led by her father Jack
Byrnes (De Niro), a former CIA psychological profiler who pretends
he’s a retired florist.
Also included in this disastrous mix is Pam’s former fiancé, Kevin
(Wilson), a rich, successful man good at everything apparently, includ-
ing impressing the nearly impossible-to-impress Jack. Kevin even keeps
pictures of Pam in his beautiful custom-made home. Many of Greg’s
problems during the visit are caused by Jack’s oppressiveness, Pam’s
inability to stand up to her family, and Kevin’s near perfection, but he’s
also responsible for compounding these issues with his own penchant
for lying. Faced with distrust for his daughter’s newest suitor, Jack feels
compelled to bring out the polygraph machine and put Greg to the test.
The Lesson: Greg’s jealousy of Kevin adds to the long list of his
embarrassing displays during his visit to meet Pam’s family. In addition
to lying about his upbringing, losing the cat and then lying about it, and
secretly smoking on the roof before starting a fire and lying about that,
too, Greg irrationally worries about Kevin’s outstanding qualities and
good standing with Pam’s parents. She assures him that she never really
loved Kevin, and she does love Greg now. Because he can’t change the
past, there’s no benefit to obsessing over what Pam once felt for Kevin,
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the experiences they had together, or if she still loves him. She wouldn’t
have moved away and started a new life with Greg if she still wanted
someone from her past. (For another lesson from Meet the Parents, see
Love Lesson 48 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
Love Language: When faced with a similar situation (an amazing ex
from the past), offer quick reassurance to your new lover so they won’t have
to wait, wonder, and worry. If you are the one facing someone else’s perfect
ex-lover, ask what you want to know instead of making assumptions.
LOVE LESSON 105: YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM WHO YOU ARE.
Stars: Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore, Kristen Johnston, Campbell Scott
Alex Fletcher (Grant), a huge pop star from the 1980s who now per-
forms solo gigs at theme parks and reunion concerts, has a chance to
revive his career through a songwriting opportunity with a popular new
singer. He’s an expert on creating music, but writing lyrics poses a prob-
lem for him. While working at his home with a well-respected lyricist,
the klutzy Sophie Fisher (Barrymore) visits his apartment to water his
plants as the substitute for his usual plant caretaker. Though it’s none of
her business, she can’t help suggesting song lyrics that far exceed what the
professional lyricist has written. When Alex shows interest in her ideas,
the lyricist quits and Alex begs Sophie to take over. Even though she
has published some of her writing, Sophie claims she doesn’t know how
to write song lyrics and rejects his offer to write for him and to attend
his concert that night. Her older sister, Rhonda ( Johnston), a huge fan
of Alex, begs Sophie to take her to his concert, which gives Alex hope a
working relationship might develop between them.
Alex’s tight deadline requires they get to work immediately, to which
Sophie reluctantly agrees. They take a break from writing one day, and
Sophie panics when she sees a book cover displayed in a store window.
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She eventually reveals that her ex-boyfriend Sloan (Scott), a prominent

married university writing professor with whom she had an affair, wrote
a book based on her, saying she is “a vacant, empty, imitation of a writer.”
This assessment shakes her confidence as a writer, and to some extent as
a romantic partner. She and Alex become tentative lovers, and he tries
to boost her confidence, but in some respects agrees with Sloan that she
gives up too easily.
The Lesson: Sophie attempts to physically hide from Sloan whenever
she sees him, shield herself from the knowledge that he wrote about her
(though changed her name to Sally Michaels in the book), and deny her
writing talent because of her enormous self-doubt. Rather than hiding,
it’s far more effective when she writes what she feels in the song lyrics
and attempts to succeed on her own terms, instead of worrying about
what will or won’t impress her former lover. (For another lesson from
Music and Lyrics, see Love Lesson 92 in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry.)
Love Language: Alex surprises Sophie with a touching song (and
lyrics) he wrote for her. If you have musical ability, try composing a song
for your loved one or just writing a poem, if you’re not musically inclined.
In fact, you could create something for your partner using any creative
medium with which you’re comfortable.
LOVE LESSON 106: LIMIT ROMANTIC ENCOUNTERS TO ONE FAMILY MEMBER.

Director: Lee Toland Krieger
Stars: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Harrison Ford
In The Age of Adaline, an immortal woman (Lively) manages over the

years to fall in love with a father (Ford) and his son (Huisman) in a
creepy scenario that wisely isn’t explored too much in the film. (For
another lesson from The Age of Adaline, see Love Lesson 36 in Chapter
Three: Giving Gifts).
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LIONS GATE FILMS/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 107: SOMEONE ELSE’S OPINION DOESN’T HAVE TO BE YOURS.

Enough Said (2013)
Director: Nicole Holofcener
Stars: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, James Gandolfini, Catherine Keener
Divorced empty-nester Eva (Louis-Dreyfus) falls in love with sweet-

natured Albert (Gandolfini), a huge bear of a man she meets at a party.
Although he isn’t the type of man she normally dates, Albert’s loveable
quirks endear him to her. Eva’s a neurotic mess; desperate for approval,
she works as a masseuse, a nurturing job where she gets continual praise
from her clients. One of her regulars, Marianne (Keener), has a damaged
shoulder that needs frequent work on it. A well-respected poet with a
beautiful home and great sense of style, Marianne complains about her
awful ex-husband during many of her massages.
At some point in the dating process with Albert, Eva realizes he’s
Marianne’s ex-husband. Now confused about her professional boundaries
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(perhaps she should inform her client or stop seeing her) and personal
choices (maybe Albert is not such a great catch after all), Eva risks losing
it all by keeping this dangerous secret from both of them. As she contem-
plates what to do, she continues to see both of them, often encouraging
Marianne to complain about her ex so she can get more dirt. The worst
complaints, however, are not exactly deal breakers for most women: He’s
a little clumsy in bed, doesn’t use night tables, and employs a strange
manner of eating guacamole. Eva’s admiration for Marianne threatens
her budding love for Albert. Instead of choosing which one of the two
relationships to keep, Eva deceives them both, which guarantees major
fallout when the truth is revealed.
The Lesson: If only Eva had more confidence in her own convictions,
she could tell them both the truth and disregard Marianne’s opinion as
the ramblings of a disenchanted ex-wife, rather than poetic words of
wisdom to be analyzed and followed. If she had told the truth as soon
as she learned of their relationship, she might have been able to retain
Marianne as a client and keep Albert as a boyfriend on the condition that
neither speak ill of the other.
Love Language: As tempting as it is to make negative comments
about an ex-spouse, ex-lover, or ex-anything, practice saying two kind
things for every unkind thing you say about that person.
LOVE LESSON 108: NO ONE IS ORDINARY.

She’s Out of My League (2010)
Director: Jim Field Smith
Stars: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Lindsay Sloane
Kirk (Baruchel) works as an unskilled hourly employee at airport security.

His family belittles him, his nasty ex-girlfriend flaunts her new boyfriend,
and his three coworker friends constantly remind him how average and
ordinary he is in comparison to Molly (Eve), the beautiful woman he
recently starting dating. In fact, she’s so educated, intelligent, successful,
and gorgeous that even Kirk thinks she’s out of his league and doubts her
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sincerity. As his friends tell him, in terms of being a good catch, she’s a
solid 10 and he’s a mere 5.
Despite their outward differences, Molly enjoys Kirk because he
makes her laugh and makes her feel comfortable, unlike her former
handsome, though judgmental, ex-boyfriend. Likewise, compared to his
crazy and skanky ex-girlfriend (Sloane), Molly seems like a dream come
true. As their relationship develops, Kirk foolishly takes the advice of his
friends to improve his grooming habits and alter his behavior to improve
his sex appeal. Because his boy-next-door appearance, sense of humor,
and easygoing manner attracted Molly in the first place, his insecure
attempts at changing to be someone else have the opposite effect than
what Kirk planned.
The Lesson: Others perceive Kirk as an ordinary guy, but Molly sees
him as fun, cute, and nonthreatening. Obviously if her intention were
merely to find a physical match, she would continue dating muscle-
bound guys like her jerky ex-boyfriend. What Molly sees in Kirk goes
beyond his appearance, however, and she recognizes his uniqueness hid-
den behind an average exterior.
Love Language: Encourage your friends to continue with any roman-
tic relationship that makes them happy, regardless of their “league.”
LOVE LESSON 109: TRUST THAT THE PERFECT TIME IS NOW.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Director: Steve Pink
Stars: John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Lizzy
Caplan, Chevy Chase
Genre: Science Fiction/Comedy
Middle-aged Adam (Cusack) just got dumped again. He has prob-

lems holding on to girlfriends, wives, and lovers. His two other friends
(Corddry and Robinson) also are experiencing rough patches in their
lives, and his nerdy younger nephew, Jacob (Duke), isn’t exactly living
large either. In an effort to boost their sagging spirits, the four men visit
a winter resort where the three friends partied heartily in their youth.
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During a wild night of drinking alcohol in the outdoor hot tub (actually
a time machine), they discover they have been magically transported
back to 1986, where the three older men each endured a fateful night
at the resort. Following the convoluted advice of the hot tub repairman
(Chase) and Jacob’s knowledge of the time continuum, they decide to
relive that night of their past as it occurred. Jacob worries one little
change may have a ripple effect that could change everything, including
his being born. He, more than anyone else, insists the three men must
relive that night exactly.
Adam reluctantly repeats a breakup with his girlfriend at the time,
which includes screaming, insults, and a fork in his eye. Later, he is
approached by a cute reporter (Caplan) who wants to hang out for two
hours until her bus leaves, but he’s totally confused. She wasn’t part of
that original night, yet she’s part of the current magical experience. After
enjoying their time together, she asks Adam to leave with her on the
bus. Of course, he can’t go without risking the life of his nephew, so he’s
forced to decline and believe in the power of now—that fully embracing
the moments they shared together, but sticking with the agreed-upon
plan will result in his greatest good later. Adam tells her that he wants
to be with her, but can’t at this moment in time: “I’m going to let the
universe surprise me.” She responds, “Maybe the universe will bring us
together again.”
Love Lesson: Sometimes what seems like bad timing may actually
be perfect timing. Despite his past relationships ending badly, Adam
still has hope for love and faith in the universe. Perhaps if they had met
at another time, their first impressions of each other would have been
different, and they never would have shared those precious moments
together (i.e., breaking into a couple’s house and drinking their alcohol).
Love Language: Suppose you had a hot tub time machine. To what
time and place would you like to return? If your mind had been more
open then, would it have made a difference in how things turned out?
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LOVE LESSON 110: BE SURE THE OLD FLAME IS EXTINGUISHED BEFORE LIGHTING
A NEW ONE.
Troy (2004)
Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Stars: Orlando Bloom, Diane Kruger, Brad Pitt, Brendan Gleason, Eric
Bana
Genre: Historical Action/Adventure
This adaptation of Homer’s epic poem The Iliad combines action, adven-
ture, romance, drama, and history. An ill-fated romance lies at the heart
of this ancient bloody battle between the Greeks and the Trojans, which
turned into ruthless struggles for power and an unrelenting thirst for
revenge by a husband robbed of his beautiful wife during (of all things)
a peace mission to Sparta. Kruger plays the beautiful wife, Helen, whose
disappearance infuriates her husband, King Menelaus (Gleason).
Helen’s secret lover, Paris (Bloom), meets her during the brief visit,
seduces her for a few nights of pleasure, and then steals her away in the
darkness of night, to the horror of his older brother, Hector (Bana), who
guides the group back to Troy to prepare for the ensuing battle when
the Greeks come to reclaim Helen. It’s not completely clear why Helen
would agree to the affair or to leave with Paris, but she must have been
mighty unhappy with Menelaus to even consider the foolhardy plan,
much less agree to it. In addition to the love scenes, the film is known
for its spectacular battles prompted by Menelaus’s revenge plan and for
featuring buff star Brad Pitt, who gained twenty extra pounds of muscle
for his role as Achilles, the fiercest Greek warrior of them all.
The Lesson: The impetuous actions of the two young lovers result in
thousands of lost lives, crippling injuries for the living, destruction of prop-
erty, and ongoing animosity. Yes, it is generally agreed that Helen is more
beautiful than any other woman. Even so, she’s the wife of Menelaus and
knowingly engages in an extramarital affair with Paris, who is equally to
blame for engaging his lust and convincing Helen to leave her husband.
Others realize these actions will incite a war, but the lovers remain focused
on themselves alone. The spurned Menelaus uses all his substantial power
and connections to come after the people who took his wife and publicly
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humiliated him. Old flames must be extinguished (by death, divorce, or

mutual agreement) before lighting a new one. (For another lesson from
Troy, see Love Lesson 79 in Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
Love Language: Back in Homer’s time, poems were memorized and
recited as news and entertainment for the people. Find a love poem that
speaks to you and commit it to memory.
LOVE LESSON 111: DON’T CALL ANYONE STUPID.

A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Director: Charles Crichton
Stars: John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, Michael Palin, Tom
Georgeson
Genre: Crime Comedy
Americans thieves Wanda (Curtis) and her psychotic/idiotic secret lover,

Otto (Kline), visit London to commit a diamond robbery along with two
British men, George (Georgeson), who thinks he’s Wanda’s boyfriend, and
Ken (Palin), an animal-loving hit man with a stutter. The group runs into
trouble when George gets arrested for the crime. Wanda then devises a
plan to seduce his attorney, Archie (Cleese), to find out where George hid
the jewels before going to jail. Archie lives a boring existence in which he’s
tired of his job and ready to check out of his stale marriage to his cold,
nagging wife. Despite the fact that she breaks a few laws and bends some
rules, Archie finds himself drawn to the sexy American woman, who pre-
tends to be interested in the law and extremely interested in him.
While Wanda juggles romances with George, Otto, and Archie, she
keeps her mind focused on the jewels. George has no value to her while
he’s locked in jail; Otto is arrogant while simultaneously being wrong
and uninformed; but Archie speaks Russian fluently (which serves as a
sexual turn-on for Wanda), has a good education, and seems sincerely
in love with her. While she goes to work seducing Archie, Otto stalks
them—partly out of jealousy, partly out of greed, and partly out of anger
over being called stupid all the time. Even Archie’s wife questions his
intelligence when he enters her home under false pretenses. “Don’t call
me stupid,” Otto tells her. “Why on earth not?” is her reply.
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The Lesson: Believing Otto to be stupid while she carries on an affair

with him shows to what depths Wanda will sink to get the money for
herself. And by most standards, Otto would be considered unintelligent.
An irrational, misinformed rageaholic, he bungles nearly everything
he does. Even so, calling him stupid shows unnecessary disrespect and
enrages him further, which escalates the violence and endangers them all.
Love Language: Unless you’re preparing for a trip overseas or work
with people of different nationalities, speaking another language fluently
probably isn’t necessary. But it’s always a good idea to learn how to say “I
love you” in at least one other language.
LOVE LESSON 112: OPEN YOUR EYES TO HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS.
Vanilla Sky (2001)
Stars: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz
The film begins with the soft whisper of Sofia (Cruz) to David (Cruise):
“Open your eyes.” Based on the 1997 mind-bending Spanish-language
film Open Your Eyes, this Americanized version shows that karma can be
a real bitch. The movie begins with David, incarcerated and charged with
murder, explaining to the police psychologist all that happened to him.
Wealthy, young, handsome, and powerful, he inherited a major publish-
ing company from his dead parents, but shareholders with the firm hate
his immaturity and careless attitude.
David enjoys a friends-with-benefits relationship with Julie (Diaz),
but sends her into a rage when he begins romancing Sofia, his best
friend’s date at a party. Julie tries to kill herself and David in a car acci-
dent, but only succeeds in killing herself, while disfiguring David’s face
so badly, he’s forced to wear a mask. From here, David begins to lose his
grip on reality, blending Sofia into Julie and vice versa. During one visit
to Sofia, she has changed into Julie, and he suffocates her to death. He’s
arrested for her murder and wonders if he’s still alive, in a coma, asleep
and dreaming, or dead already. After mistreating his employees for years,
taking Julie for granted and then attacking her, moving in on his best
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friend’s girl, and an assortment of other bad behavior, it’s a wonder that
anyone cares enough about him to encourage David to open his eyes.
The Lesson: The energy you send out into the universe comes right
back at you, according to the law of attraction. David transmitted bad
vibrations throughout his life, and that’s exactly what came back to him.
Love Language: Always wake your partner gently and with love.
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Chapter Eight
EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
Traveling light takes on a whole new meaning when it comes

to emotional baggage. Problems from the past can weigh down our pres-
ent lives in insidious ways, both consciously and unconsciously. By meta-
phorically carrying trunks of trauma, duffels of drama, and garment bags
of grievances from youth into adulthood, we ensure the same problems
will replay over and over again in our lives.
The films in this chapter include a smorgasbord of insecurities, a wide
range of obsessions and fixations, and a few smothering mothers and
helicopter parents thrown in for fun. Most of the cinematic emotional
baggage comes in the form of anger management problems, abandon-
ment issues, bullying/abuse, and codependence. To simplify matters,
the chapter is organized by the two general categories: neuroses (minor
mental and physical disturbances caused by emotional stress in which the
person knows something is wrong, but can still perform daily functions)
and psychoses (major personality disorders with significant mental and
physical disturbances which may or may not be organic in nature, but
interfere with daily functioning and cause the person to confuse reality
with delusions or hallucinations).
Characters—both fictional and real—range from slightly eccentric
individuals (The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Frances Ha, Wimble-
don) to moderately damaged people (Mr. Woodcock, Wild, The Proposal) to
those who are psychotic without their meds (Me, Myself & Irene, Love &
Mercy, A Beautiful Mind). These movies present the typical complexities
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Emotional Baggage
of falling in love combined with the added difficulties of hauling emo-

tional baggage that distorts perceptions and clouds judgment.
LOVE LESSON 113: DON’T TIPTOE AROUND SOMEONE’S STORY.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2015)
Director: John Madden
Stars: Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Penelope Wilton
Genre: Comedy/Drama
When guests check into the residential establishment known as the Best
Exotic Marigold Hotel for the Elderly and Beautiful, they usually bring
more baggage than merely what’s in their trunks and garment bags. They
carry with them more than 70 years of life experience and that many
years of damage as well. Other than the lucky few who have worked
through their issues and healed their emotional wounds, they carry their
problems with them even in retirement.
Take Evelyn Greenslade (Dench), for example. With her 80th
birthday rapidly approaching, she still keeps her suitor, Douglas Ainslie
(Nighy), at arm’s length despite his efforts at closeness. She confides
to her friend that she needs more time to figure things out and doesn’t
want to rush into a relationship, but admits having romantic feelings for
him. Although the reasons for her hesitancy are not directly addressed
in the film, we must assume she’s been badly hurt in the past. Douglas’s
baggage takes the form of a negative, controlling, soon-to-be ex-wife
(Wilton) who has succeeded in eroding his confidence over the years.
Now attempting to venture out on his own, his low self-esteem causes
him to have trouble fully expressing himself, as evidenced by using
coaches to help him in his job as a tour guide and when giving a toast at
the hotelier’s wedding. Douglas’s inability to express himself and Evelyn’s
reluctance to commit herself create a slow-motion courtship when actu-
ally time is of the essence.
Love Lesson: Regardless of whatever issues are holding Evelyn back
from her true feelings, Douglas needs to be honest with her about the
way he feels. Likewise, she needs to be honest with him about her
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reasons for holding back. While it’s important to be respectful when

sharing your truth, it’s not necessary to dance around the issue or tiptoe
around someone’s story of the past.
Love Language: Are you waiting to do something important in your
life or afraid to say something that needs to be said? Will there ever be
an ideal time, place, or circumstance to accomplish what you want? How
about now?
LOVE LESSON 114: KEEP GETTING UP WHEN YOU FALL DOWN.

Frances Ha (2012)
Director: Noah Baumbach
Stars: Greta Gerwig, Michael Esper, Mickey Sumner
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Frances (Gerwig) works at a ballet studio in New York City and calls
herself a dancer, but her job involves more mundane paperwork than
fancy footwork. Nearing age 30, she sees her chances of becoming a
professional ballet dancer dwindling each day. In addition to her age,
Frances has two strikes against her: She’s incredibly clumsy—tripping
when she walks, bumping into things, and stumbling over words—and
the ballet school’s director provides hints and promises that Frances
may someday join the ballet company if she keeps plugging away at
the desk job. This makes for an unstable career plan, which parallels her
shaky love life.
Frances has a steady boyfriend (Esper) whom she tolerates, but qui-
etly lusts after her female roommate, Sophie (Sumner). She describes
their relationship like two lesbians living together, but not having sex.
So when Sophie unexpectedly moves out, Frances has an emotional
meltdown. She drifts from friend to friend, apartment to apartment, and
job to job without any clear direction. Frances begins a new romantic
relationship that soon fizzles out because she’s deemed “undateable” due
to her friendly immaturity. Despite her instability, she remains optimistic
about her life and seems determined to literally and figuratively get up
each time she falls down.
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Emotional Baggage
The Lesson: Rather than giving in to despair when her relationships

crumble and her ballerina dream fades away, Frances keeps moving for-
ward. She heads toward her unknown future with enthusiasm, bumbling
her way toward the people and place where she finally will feel at home.
Love Language: Frances explains what she wants from a romantic
relationship: “It’s that thing when you’re with someone, and you love
them and they know it, and they love you and you know it . . . but it’s a
party . . . and you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and
shining . . . and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes, but
not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual . . . but because that
is your person in this life.” Sometimes words are unnecessary for love
language. Practice those sweet secret smiles and intimate glances with
your partner when you’re in a crowded room.
LOVE LESSON 115: THE WORLD IS YOUR PERCEPTION OF IT.

Greenberg (2010)
Director: Noah Baumbach
Stars: Ben Stiller, Greta Gerwig
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Two years before Frances Ha hit movie theater screens, Baumbach and
Gerwig worked together on Greenberg, the story of an unstable man
who’s lost and trying to find his way. Roger Greenberg (Stiller), recently
released from a hospital after a nervous breakdown, house-sits at his
brother’s home in Southern California while the family is away on a
business trip combined with a vacation. He plans to construct a doghouse
for them, in part to help his brother and to work with his hands as a form
of therapy.
Unable to calm himself because of intrusions upon his solitude,
Roger becomes more agitated with each thing that doesn’t go his way.
He writes complaint letters as a regular hobby. Noisy neighbors swim
in the pool, his plane flight was uncomfortable, his ex-girlfriend has no
interest in getting back together with him, and the pet taxi service and
veterinarian won’t cooperate with him. Worst of all, his brother’s goofy
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personal assistant, Florence (Gerwig), keeps pestering him. Though dedi-

cated to her job, her lack of self-assertiveness makes her a lonely, clinging
mess who latches onto other people’s families and jumps into sexual
relationships without any real interest or commitment. As complete
opposites, casual, wimpy Florence and uptight, aggressive Roger drift
closer together to help meet each other’s needs. With no concept of how
other people perceive him, Roger’s sense of self-importance, oppressive
seriousness, and barely contained anger drive people away from him, and
Florence is no exception.
The Lesson: In her book A Friendly Universe: Sayings to Inspire and
Challenge You, Byron Katie writes: “The world is your perception of
it. Inside and outside always match—they’re reflections of each other.
The world is a mirror image of your mind.” Roger’s focus on the neg-
ative—as evidenced from his angry letter-writing campaign and fre-
quent outbursts over minor incidents—shows his skewed perception.
He perceives life as a series of problems, irritations, pain, and fear, and
therefore that’s what he finds everywhere he looks. That’s the negative
vibration he sends out to others, which in return colors people’s per-
ception of him.
Love Language: Find time today to write a letter to a company (or
person) praising their product, service, attitude, or quality.
LOVE LESSON 116: WATCH OUT FOR NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.

Wimbledon (2004)
Director: Richard Loncraine
Stars: Kirsten Dunst, Paul Bettany
In Wimbledon, professional tennis player Peter Colt (Bettany) has a run-

ning commentary of self-doubt going through his head as he prepares
for tennis matches, such as “At least there’s no one here to see you lose,”
a negative outlook that also threatens his new relationship with Lizzie
(Dunst). (For another lesson from Wimbledon, see Love Lesson 12 in
Chapter One: Meeting Cute.)
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UNIVERSAL STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: COLIN BELL
LOVE LESSON 117: YOU NEED TO RELEASE ALL YOUR ANGER BEFORE YOU CAN
RELEASE ALL YOUR LOVE.
Anger Management (2003)
Director: Peter Segal
Stars: Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, Marisa Tomei
Genre: Comedy
On the surface, Dave Buznik (Sandler) seems likeable enough. He’s a

mild-mannered businessman at a New York City pet specialty company,
where he designs clothes for overweight cats, and enjoys spending time
with his loving girlfriend, Linda (Tomei), although he shies away from
all forms of public affection. After a misunderstanding on an airplane in
which Dave loses his temper, he gets court-ordered into anger manage-
ment therapy with Dr. Buddy Rydell (Nicholson), an unorthodox anger
specialist. Dave insists he doesn’t have a problem, and initially it’s easy to
believe him. His occasional displays of anger seem completely justified
and his therapist’s outrageous anger exercises (which include having the
good doctor move into Dave’s apartment with him) are so far-fetched
and inappropriate, it’s easy to think Dave is the sane one of the two.
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As the potential for embarrassment and danger escalates in Dr.

Rydell’s treatment, Dave’s anger becomes more apparent and more
focused—directly toward his therapist, whose own rage is undeniably
out of control most of the time. After administering several increasingly
uncomfortable treatment plans, Dr. Rydell insists Dave visit a childhood
bully who humiliated him by pulling down his pants while he tried to
kiss a girl (hence the nixing on public display of affection). Now a monk,
the bully does not fully repent for his earlier actions, which sends Dave
into another rageaholic fit. For her part, Linda remains on the periph-
ery of her boyfriend’s anger treatment plan, but monitors his progress
through Dr. Rydell. When Dave finally frees himself from his inner rage,
he can be more assertive at work and more loving in his relationships.
The Lesson: Repressing anger from childhood traumas has been com-
pared to stuffing beach balls underwater and trying to keep them there;
eventually they return to the surface. Although Dave’s anger seems nor-
mal at first, the better we get to know him, the more we can see his anger
escalates quickly, lingers longer than necessary, appears more often than is
healthy, and emerges inappropriately at times. Once Dave acknowledges
the problem, healing can begin.
Love Language: Linda deserves lots of credit for her demonstration of
tough love and determination to see Dave get healthy before they marry.
Does someone you love have anger management problems? If they refuse
to acknowledge their problem and seek help now, reconsider a long-term
relationship with this person. At some time in the future, that rage will
be directed toward you.
LOVE LESSON 118: LET GO OF THOUGHTS THAT DON’T SERVE YOU.

Mr. Woodcock (2007)
Director: Craig Gillespie
Stars: Billy Bob Thornton, Susan Sarandon, Seann William Scott
Genre: Comedy
A successful self-help author, John Farley (Scott) grew up as the only

child of Beverly (Sarandon), a young widowed mother. His book, Let-
ting Go: How to Get Past Your Past, was based on his own experiences
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overcoming low self-esteem after years of sadistic bullying by the gym

teacher, Mr. Woodcock (Thornton), in the Nebraska school he attended
as a boy. John takes a break from his busy book tour around the country
to accept an honor for his achievement from his old hometown. Imagine
his surprise to learn that at the same ceremony where he will receive the
Corn Cob Key to the City, his old nemesis Mr. Woodcock will be hon-
ored with an Educator of the Year award.
Already disturbed by the turn of events, John endures the cruelest
cut of all when he discovers Mr. Woodcock is also his mother’s new
boyfriend, with whom she’s madly in love. Knowing full well of the
gym teacher’s snarling derision, biting sarcasm, and vicious physical
abuse, John tries various techniques to discourage her from continuing
the relationship. Rightfully concerned that Woodcock will eventually
bully and abuse his mother, John goes against his book’s main theme
about how digging up the past muddies the present. He embarks on a
campaign with his old school chum (who also was humiliated in gym
class) to discredit the cruel coach. Woodcock (who carries on the dis-
honorable tradition from his own bullying father) is derisive, but not
dumb. He immediately senses competition for Beverly’s affections and
a threat from the vengeful son, which creates an escalating series of
competitions between the two men.
The Lesson: John knows information about Mr. Woodcock of which
his mother is unaware. On the other hand, she knows a side of the man
that her son has never witnessed. John was much happier before his
return visit home, when he embraced letting go of the past and teaching
others how to do it. He regresses to his former self, however, because
he never fully let go of what was not healed. Mr. Woodcock remains an
abuser because he has not let go of his past, nor has he healed any old
wounds. Each visit with his horrible father reinforces the bullying behav-
ior. As lonely as she is, poor Beverly has no idea what kind of man she’s
going to marry.
Love Language: Talk to your partner about a teacher from high school
(or a community center, etc.) who believed in you, stood up for you, or
helped guide you in the right direction.
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LOVE LESSON 119: THERE’S NO ESCAPING THE REALITIES OF LIFE.

The Way Way Back (2013)
Directors: Nat Faxon, Jim Rash
Stars: Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Liam James, Zoe Levin, Sam Rockwell
Genre: Comedy/Drama
This coming-of-age story concerns 14-year-old Duncan ( James), who

learns how to stand up for himself against a controlling, condescending
bully with the help of the friendly staff of a local water park. This partic-
ular bully happens to be Trent (Carell), his divorced mother’s new boy-
friend. Pam (Collette) doesn’t purposely subject her son to her boyfriend’s
cruel behavior. She’s been a victim for so long, she’s forgotten how to face
the realities of life. Instead, she sleeps or gets high to avoid feeling what’s
going on with her and her family.
While Pam sleeps in the front seat of the car as they head toward
Trent’s beach house for a summer vacation along with Trent’s snobbish
daughter (Levin), he tells Duncan to work harder to earn his approval.
He asks the boy to rate himself, then insists Duncan is merely a “three
out of ten.” This humiliating experience sets the tone for the entire sum-
mer. Away from the routine of daily life during this vacation, their hidden
qualities emerge, creating uncomfortable dynamics and high drama. Pam
has emotionally checked out, leaving Trent to terrorize Duncan, until the
boy finds a friendlier environment. Duncan breaks free of his unhappy
summer home by bicycling each day to Water Wizz, a nearby water
park where the smooth-talking manager, Owen (Rockwell), offers him a
job and a place where he feels safe. Surrounded by quirky misfits at the
park, Duncan discovers his unique strengths through the responsibilities
assigned to him, and eventually Pam wakes up to the kind of man Trent
is beneath his facade.
The Lesson: Pam does a tremendous disservice to her son and herself
by emotionally abandoning them both. By self-medicating to avoid feel-
ing the pain of her situation and submitting to Trent’s bullying behavior,
she tacitly accepts it. Bullies usually back down when confronted.
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Emotional Baggage
Love Language: Owen immediately recognizes Duncan as an out-

sider who needs a place to fit in. Be mindful of children and adults being
bullied, and offer support when you can.
LOVE LESSON 120: ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR AND CONFRONT IT.

Wild (2014)
Director: Jean-Marc Vallée
Stars: Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern
Based on Cheryl Strayed’s best-selling memoir, Wild: From Lost to Found

on the Pacific Crest Trail, this film depicts an outdoor adventure by a des-
perate and inexperienced young hiker on a 1,100-mile solo expedition.
Witherspoon stars as Strayed, who embarks on a physical and emotional
journey from the Mojave Desert to the Pacific Northwest in an attempt to
escape her past, which includes heroin addiction, promiscuity, a failed mar-
riage, and the death of her mother. Warned the hike presents dangers too
great for a new hiker, Cheryl feels like she has nothing to lose and needs
to prove this to herself—or die trying. Sporting an enormous backpack but
otherwise ill-prepared, she encounters feral animals, temperature extremes,
improper food preparation, dehydration, and predatory men.
Armed only with a walking stick, a saw, and a rape whistle, Cheryl con-
fronts a variety of different obstacles and terrifying challenges, including
her own history of bad decisions that come back to haunt her (in the form
of flashbacks) throughout the ninety-four-day journey. Without normal
societal and technological distractions, she must look at herself through
these memories, and through quotations she writes for other hikers in
designated journals placed along the trail. Cheryl’s resistance to accepting
and embracing the loss of her mother (Dern) helps fuel the treacherous
journey. There’s nothing inspiring about watching the flashbacks where she
acts out her grief and despair through destructive behaviors that often hurt
other people as well as herself. Glimpses of her mother—who always chose
to be happy despite the circumstances—provide a beacon of light for her
daughter to follow as she walks through her pain and fear.
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The Lesson: Though hiking isn’t suitable for everybody, confronting

your fears in a meaningful way serves as a valuable lesson that will free
you for a greater capacity to love.
Love Language: Write a quotation (or find one from someone else)
that best summarizes your philosophy of love.
LOVE LESSON 121: UNHEALED WOUNDS FROM THE PAST CAUSE HURTFUL
BEHAVIOR IN THE PRESENT.
The Proposal (2009)
Director: Anne Fletcher
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Craig T. Nelson, Betty White
You might expect to find a movie titled The Proposal in Chapter Twelve:
Wedding Planning. However, Grandma’s (White) sage advice, “How a
man proposes says a lot about his character,” is probably self-evident. It’s
obviously more romantic to offer a sincere proposal on bended knee on
a moonlit night than to say “Let’s get hitched” while standing in line
waiting for the Porta-Potty at the monster truck show. The better love
lesson in this movie concerns the emotional baggage the central charac-
ters bring to the story.
A Canadian with an expired visa, Margaret (Bullock) works as an
editor at a New York City publishing house, where she bullies her way to
success. Her abrasive manner inspires coworkers to refer to her as “Satan’s
Mistress” and send each other e-mail warnings of her arrival: “The witch
is on her broom.” Orphaned and independent since age 16, Margaret
uses people to advance her career, but shields herself by exhibiting hurtful
behavior to avoid getting hurt herself. Threatened with deportation, she
coerces her much-younger assistant, Andrew (Reynolds), to fake a wed-
ding engagement with her so she can stay in the country. Attracted and
repulsed by her personality, which has much in common with that of his
controlling father (Nelson), Andrew displays passive-aggressive behavior
toward her that encourages ill will at the office. What begins as a business
proposition turns into a romance, but one that can only succeed if they
both can heal those childhood wounds.
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Emotional Baggage
The Lesson: When Margaret and Andrew allow themselves to become

emotionally vulnerable to each other (and physically vulnerable by acci-
dent), it breaks down barriers between them. Although their tentative
truce could be true love, it represents merely the beginning of the healing
required by these two damaged people.
Love Language: Identify a hurtful behavior that you regularly exhibit
(e.g., rude to servers, road rage, bias against a particular group of people)
and try to relate that to a hurt you experienced as a child. Work with your
partner or individually to discover ways to curb the behavior.
LOVE LESSON 122: SEEK HELP TO PREVENT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY LEGACIES

FROM PASSING ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.
Director: Craig Johnson
Stars: Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader
Genre: Comedy/Drama
In The Skeleton Twins, estranged fraternal twins Maggie (Wiig) and Milo
(Hader) Dean become suicidal after numerous failed romantic relation-
ships, their father’s physical abandonment by suicide, and their mother’s
years of emotional abandonment, until they reunite to help each other
heal. (For another lesson from The Skeleton Twins, see Love Lesson 98 in
Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry.)
ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS/PHOTOFEST
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LOVE LESSON 123: SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS OR YOU’LL ATTRACT MORE

PROBLEMS.
Cyrus (2010)
Directors: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
Stars: John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei, Catherine Keener
Chronically depressed and desperately lonely, John (Reilly) has waited for
seven years since his divorce to find love again. While attending a party,
he meets Molly (Tomei), who seems like the perfect woman to him. His
self-esteem issues are immediately apparent, but she enjoys his honesty
and finds his self-conscious vulnerability attractive. They waste no time
diving right into a physical relationship, and John is the happiest he’s
been since the divorce. They spend the night together a couple of times,
but she sneaks away and leaves a note for him.
This strange behavior is explained when John learns the truth: Molly
has a codependent relationship with her very disturbed 21-year-old son
named Cyrus (Hill), a manipulative liar who fakes illnesses, demands
constant physical affection from his mother, and wastes time and money
on self-indulgent art projects using photography and music. On the
surface, he’s a wide-eyed innocent, but underneath the false front, Cyrus
has serious psychological damage of the Oedipal variety. He’s not just a
little jealous of his mother’s attention, he’s ready to harm anyone who
gets between him and his mother’s love. Normally passive, needy, and
nonconfrontational, John is faced with Molly’s denial and Cyrus’s psy-
chosis—neither of which he knows how to handle.
The Lesson: Because John’s thinking and behavior remained the same
for seven years (and probably throughout his life), he’s caught in a cycle of
depression with self-image issues. Although Molly makes a nice impres-
sion, she’s a mess on the inside, on par with John’s dysfunction. He fre-
quently relies on his ex-wife’s opinions and advice, although she (Keener)
has a longtime boyfriend and plans to marry him. In some ways, this
dependency parallels Cyrus’s overreliance on his mother. Until John and
Molly start behaving like two healthy, rational adults, they will continue
to attract problems and problematic lovers into their lives.
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Emotional Baggage
Love Language: Molly tries to keep it a secret that she has a grown
son. Whether it’s to make her appear younger, protect Cyrus from a new
man, or protect John from Cyrus, her elusive, inexplicable behavior does
not start the relationship off in a healthy way. Embarrassing personal
secrets can wait until future dates, but important facts such as having
children need to be mentioned up front. Try to solve major problems
before getting involved in a relationship, or you will attract someone with
equally large problems. If smaller problems persist, don’t hide them from
new partners, or they might turn into bigger problems later.
LOVE LESSON 124: STRIVE TO MAKE YOUR REAL LIFE BETTER THAN YOUR DREAMS.
The Science of Sleep (2006)
Stars: Gael Garcia Bernal, Charlotte Gainsbourg
Genre: Romantic Fantasy
Dr. Sigmund Freud once wrote that the cinema—invented during his
lifetime—is similar to dreaming. In The Science of Sleep, writer-director
Michel Gondry compares the sleep cycle to an internal television station
that airs during late-night hours. Taking the metaphor even further,
the film depicts the dreamer as the host and star of every show. This is
Stepháne TV, where frustrated artist and inventor Stepháne (Bernal)
dreams himself into his own cooking show with memories, perceptions,
relationships, and whatever else floats through his mind while he’s asleep.
Trapped in a menial job at a print shop that doesn’t utilize his tal-
ents, Stepháne also feels sexually frustrated because of his new next-door
neighbor, Stephánie (Gainsbourg). First he likes her friend, and then
he likes her, but doesn’t feel much attraction. Nonetheless he obsesses
over her, dreams about her, and exhibits bizarre behavior: walking naked
through the hallway, slipping a strange note under her door, and propos-
ing marriage when he barely knows her. His immaturity in his waking
life and inability to truly connect with people add color and vibrancy to
his dreams, where he has no such problems. Stepháne says, “In dreams,
emotions are overwhelming.” In fact, he does become overwhelmed by
his dream life, which threatens to overtake reality.
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The Lesson: Gondry, the award-winning creator of 2004’s Eternal

Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (see Love Lesson 26 in Chapter Two:
Dating Services and Love Lesson 136 in Chapter Nine: Breakups and
Makeups), explores the effects of love on the psyche in both movies.
By focusing his energy into improving his dreams rather than working
toward a happier, healthier waking life, Stepháne (like Joel in Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) seeks to escape the reality of a failed love
life instead of working through problems and learning from them.
Love Language: Think back to your favorite dream. Who were you
with and what were you doing? Flying dreams are among the more pop-
ular remembered dreams and usually occur at happy times in your life
when you’re feeling the most confident and free.
LOVE LESSON 125: FOCUS ON GOOD VIBRATIONS AND EXCITATIONS.

Love & Mercy (2015)
Director: Bill Pohlad
Stars: John Cusack, Paul Dano
In Love & Mercy, Brian Wilson (Cusack and Dano) writes music to
help him escape from his troubled childhood with a violent father. (For
ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS/PHOTOFEST
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another lesson from Love & Mercy, see Love Lesson 66 in Chapter
Four: Date Nights.)
LOVE LESSON 126: CODEPENDENCY CAN TAKE MANY FORMS.

True Story (2015)
Director: Rupert Goold
Stars: James Franco, Jonah Hill, Felicity Jones
Genre: Biographical Mystery/Thriller
Based on the true experiences of former New York Times reporter

Michael Finkel and described in his book True Story: Murder, Memoir,
and Mea Culpa, a young man becomes obsessed with an accused murderer
who stole his identity. This strange scenario begins with Finkel (Hill)
falsifying a front-page story and losing his job, whereupon he leaves
the big city and returns home to live with his girlfriend, Jill ( Jones). He
then discovers that Christian Longo (Franco), included on the FBI’s
Most Wanted list for allegedly killing his family, had identified himself
repeatedly as Michael Finkel of the New York Times while living overseas
following the murders.
Confused, disgusted, and yet intrigued, Finkel visits Longo in prison
to find out why he stole his identity. Longo says he’s admired Finkel’s
writing career for years and offers him exclusive rights to his story in
exchange for writing lessons and the promise not to release the book
until after the trial. The disgraced journalist can’t resist a $250,000 book
deal with a major publisher and the chance to redeem himself in the eyes
of America. While interviewing Longo, a strange symbiosis occurs and
the two men lie and manipulate each other to get what they want, while
simultaneously forming a bond of friendship. Jill senses Finkel’s obses-
sion and fears the connection could be dangerous. Although she harbors
no illusions about Longo’s presumed innocence and confronts him about
what she believes to be true, she also fluctuates between a disturbing fear
of him and attraction to him. It turns into a strange, creepy three-way
codependency that could take years to understand.
The Lesson: In the production notes for True Story, provided by Fox
Searchlight Pictures, Felicity Jones says: “I think it’s very much like a
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romantic relationship. Mike and Longo do almost fall in love with each
other, in a strange way. One moment Mike thinks he can trust Longo,
and then Longo will do something that changes it all. Longo is a chal-
lenge for him. As for Jill, at first she just doesn’t want to even know about
it; it feels alien to her that her partner would want to become so involved
with a man who’s murdered his wife and children. But she is flawed in
her own way, just as Mike is. She permits it to happen, and she becomes
fascinated with Longo and has her own projections onto him, and you
become aware that they’re both intoxicated by him.” Regardless of the jus-
tification or rationalization, relationships where you sacrifice your desires
for someone else’s and then feel resentful constitute codependency.
Love Language: Trust is essential for intimate relationships and once
broken takes a long time to re-establish. Be worthy of your partner’s trust
by speaking the truth and avoiding any kind of manipulative practices.
LOVE LESSON 127: THERE’S NO SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL LOVE.

Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
Director: Craig Gillespie
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Paul Schneider, Emily Mortimer, Kelli Garner,
Patricia Clarkson
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Lars Lindstrom (Gosling) lives a lonely life, working daily in his cubby-
hole at the crowded office and sitting home alone at night in his renovated
garage apartment on his family’s property. He doesn’t have much family
left, unfortunately—just his older brother, Gus (Schneider), and sister-
in-law, Karin (Mortimer). Their mother died several years ago, which
threw their father into a deep depression followed by his own death a few
years later. Karin invites Lars over to the house (just a few feet away) for
dinners, trying to draw him out of his self-imposed seclusion.
One day a coworker tells Lars about a website that sells lifelike sex
dolls. Within a few days, Lars has an expensive, life-size, anatomically
correct silicone “girlfriend” delivered from the website. Her name is Bianca,
and Lars rolls her around in a wheelchair, dresses her in nice clothes, and
treats her with tenderness and respect. Bianca meets his core need for con-
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Emotional Baggage
nection; a devout Christian who believes in chastity before marriage, Lars

apparently has no interest in using the sex doll for her intended purpose.
Concerned about Lars’s mental health, Gus and Karin arrange for
him to see a psychiatrist (Clarkson), who suggests the family, cowork-
ers, and community play along with his delusion. Meanwhile, a sweet
coworker named Margo (Garner) likes Lars and longs for a relation-
ship with him. Even though he stays loyal to Bianca, he does respond
to Margo’s kindness, and a future relationship remains a possibility.
Through continued sessions with the doctor, who pretends to treat
Bianca for a troubling case of low blood pressure, Lars comes to terms
with his fear of physical intimacy, childhood traumas, and dependence
upon a doll for companionship.
The Lesson: Even though Lars literally embraces a delusion, it’s
still a step forward for him. Though obviously quite ill, he takes action
to meet his need for companionship. Buying a lifelike doll represents
Lars’s first baby step toward a real relationship with physical touch and
emotional intimacy.
Love Language: Help your loved ones by supporting their efforts
toward reaching a difficult goal, even if the goal seems easily obtainable
to you.
LOVE LESSON 128: THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.
Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
Stars: Jim Carrey, Renée Zellweger, Traylor Howard
Rhode Island state trooper Charlie Baileygates (Carrey) is a nice guy—

too nice, in fact. Since childhood, he’s likely been stuffing his anger
instead of releasing it in appropriate ways. As an adult, his young wife
(Howard) abandons him with triplets (clearly the result of her affair with
someone else) and Charlie is devastated, but again represses the anger. As
she leaves with her lover, his wife’s parting comment says it all: “The heart
wants what the heart wants.” Eighteen years later, after nonstop abuse
from the community (who recognize a pushover when they see one), he
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finally snaps and a lifetime’s worth of rage emerges. Suddenly, he’s intent
on getting even with those who disrespect him—from a neighbor who
steals his newspaper to a little girl who won’t follow his police order.
Diagnosed with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involun-
tary narcissistic rage, Charlie gets prescription medicine and assigned
light duty at work. He’s tasked with transporting ditzy golf course
groundskeeper Irene Waters (Zellweger) out of the state. The ill-fated
trip becomes more dangerous by the mile when Charlie leaves his med-
ication behind at one of the hotels. As they travel together and form a
romantic bond, Irene’s legal problems, health problems, emotional prob-
lems, and ex-boyfriend problems emerge, causing Charlie’s aggressive
alter ego (uninhibited without medication), Hank Evans, to rise to the
occasion and handle each emergency. Toward the end of the trip, both
parts of his split personality decide Irene is what his heart wants.
The Lesson: Although Charlie’s wife uses terrible judgment commit-
ting adultery and abandoning her children with him, her assessment that
“the heart wants what the heart wants” is correct. Proud of her Mensa
membership and genius-level IQ, she longs for someone similarly intel-
lectually gifted. She never would have been satisfied with Charlie’s mere
above-average intelligence, and would have left him eventually or made
his life miserable by staying together. Her decision to follow her heart
makes sense; her method of doing so is unconscionable.
Love Language: Rex Allen Jr. narrates Charlie’s story, which provides
background and structure for the film. If you had to narrate your life story
in a dozen sentences, what would you say?
LOVE LESSON 129: WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL TOLERATE OUR OWN
BRAND OF CRAZY.
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
Director: Ron Howard
Stars: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Paul Bettany, Ed Harris
This is the fictionalized true story of Nobel Prize–winning mathe-

matical genius Professor John Nash, whose schizophrenia derailed
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his brilliant career for years. The story begins when he is a student at
Princeton, odd and socially awkward, comforted primarily by his best
friend and roommate, Charles (Bettany). Years later and now known
worldwide for his groundbreaking work in economics, John teaches at
MIT and does mysterious code-breaking work for a government agent
(Harris). Still odd and socially awkward, he’s also become extremely
paranoid. Nonetheless he attracts one of his students, Alicia (Connelly),
who asks him out to dinner.
Thus begins a difficult romance, in which John’s delusions and hallu-
cinations sometimes eclipse his intellect, humor, and other lovable quali-
ties. With the help of a psychiatrist and Alicia’s love, John makes progress
in ascertaining what’s real and what’s imagined. Despite what she knows
will be a long, rough ride, Alicia commits wholeheartedly to the romantic
relationship, and the couple later weds.
The Lesson: Love isn’t just the fun parts—the dating, the private jokes,
the passion, and the laughter. When your partner becomes mentally or
physically incapacitated, love becomes hard work, often without proper
acknowledgment or appreciation. According to the law of attraction, like
attracts like, so unconsciously Alicia and John choose each other because
their individual needs match perfectly. That is, Alicia has the ability to
provide what John requires to heal and vice versa.
Love Language: Only the mentally ill can get away with saying some-
thing like what John says to Alicia: “I find you attractive. Your aggressive
moves toward me . . . indicate that you feel the same way. But still, ritual
requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities . . . before
we have sex. I am proceeding with these activities, but in point of actual
fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possi-
ble.” If you share the same sentiment, find a better way of expressing it.
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Chapter Nine
BREAKUPS AND MAKEUPS
This chapter contains stories about messy human emotions

that lead to arguments, fights, and the eventual breakup. An assortment
of schemers and doers, liars and criers, loose talkers and stalkers com-
prise these movies. You’ll find that vicious circles of miscommunications
often prompt couples to break up and then get back together again, or
sometimes break up and move on to someone else. The breaking up part
generally comes from misunderstanding the words or actions of others.
Someone inevitably gets hurt in these breakups, and couples don’t
always reunite. When couples do make up, the getting back together may
be from habit, codependence, loneliness, or love. Or in the case of Much
Ado About Nothing, the lovers’ reunion results from meddling friends and
family. Other times, the depicted breakup reveals more of a breaking
away from a previous life (Ed Wood and Eat, Pray, Love).
Some characters will deny the relationship has problems (The Hang-
over), while others can’t stop complaining about those problems (When
Harry Met Sally). Some characters fixate on one person as a true love
( [500] Days of Summer), while others can’t wait to move on to someone
else (Celebrity). So whether choosing to remember every little thing
about your lover (The Notebook) or forget everything about them (Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), these movies provide a variety of ways to
deal with the fluctuating nature of romantic relationships. Regardless of
the length of time together or the quality of the experiences shared, the
moments two people share together become threads in the tapestry of
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Breakups and Makeups
their lives. Read on to see how some of these tapestries become unraveled
. . . and how some get stitched back together.
LOVE LESSON 130: LIVE CASUALLY, SPEAK CAREFULLY.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Director: Marc Webb
Stars: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel
In this nonlinear story about 500 days in his relationship with coworker
Summer Finn (Deschanel), greeting card writer Tom (Gordon-Levitt) is
constantly kept off-balance. Tom searches for “the one” to spend his life
with, while Summer flits from city to city, job to job, and man to man
in an attempt to live life without commitments. Convinced love is just
a fantasy, she tells him they can be friends, but nothing more, and then
kisses him passionately at work one day. She says she wants to keep it
casual and isn’t looking for anything serious, then has sex with him. Her
mixed messages confuse Tom, especially when one day she declares, “I
think we should stop seeing each other. All we do is argue.”
Despite Tom’s insistence on putting a label on their relationship so
he knows where he stands, Summer offers no answers to appease him or
consistency in her behavior. They break up and get back together. She
invites him back into her life, only to dash his hopes again. While not
intentionally hurting Tom, Summer says and does whatever she wants
in that moment, a pattern of unclear communication that causes harm.
She has mastered the art of living casually, but uses her words carelessly,
which attracts men like Tom and then hurts them.
The Lesson: The main problem between Tom and Summer appears
to be semantics. In his best-selling book The Four Agreements: A Practical
Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz lists “Be Impeccable With
Your Word” as one of these four essential items. Indeed, clear communi-
cation in which partners agree upon the connotations and denotations
of words makes for better relationships. Because Summer’s behavior
does not match Tom’s definition of the words “friends” and “casual,”
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he misunderstands what they mean (and he means) to her. Had he

understood from the beginning—whether through a better explanation
or more appropriate behavior on her part—he might not have suffered
so much from the breakup.
Love Language: Discuss with your partner what “casual” means in
terms of friendships, romance, and sex. Where do the borders of “friends”
begin and end for you? Describe the differences between acquaintances,
casual friends, friends, casual lovers, and a couple.
LOVE LESSON 131: WHEN ROMANCE FAILS, TRY SUBLIMATION.

Young Goethe in Love (2010)
Director: Philipp Stölzl
Stars: Alexander Fehling, Miriam Stein, Moritz Bleibtreu
Loosely based on the true experiences of aspiring poet Johann Wolfgang

von Goethe (Fehling), a young man is forced to face the harsh realities of
life in 1772 Germany. His poetry gets rejected from every publisher, so
his practical father insists he give up the notion of writing and attend law
school instead. While at school, he works as a clerk with little money to
spare on luxuries, including the lovely young ladies in the area. Johann’s
romantic nature cannot be suppressed that easily, however. When he
meets singer Lotte Buff (Stein), he’s instantly smitten and seduces her
with his linguistic prowess. Lotte’s father has already planned her future,
which does not allow for impoverished law students.
When the breakup occurs, Johann is ill-prepared for it. Worse still,
he learns his boss (Bleibtreu) is the intended suitor, so he feels twice
betrayed. Frustrated and angry with his father, Lotte, her father, his boss,
and his overall situation in life, Johann does what most writers would do:
sublimates his sexual desires into written composition. He chronicles his
failed romance in a successful book titled The Sorrows of Young Werther,
which in turn helps him heal from the painful relationship.
The Lesson: Although a high-spirited young man, Johann has the
maturity and skill to use sublimation, the psychological defense mecha-
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nism Sigmund Freud described as consciously channeling socially unac-

ceptable impulses into culturally acceptable ways, such as the creation of
art. When the relationship sours, Johann uses his creative energy to write
about the event so he (and readers) can benefit from his experience.
Love Language: Discuss a time when you sublimated your inappro-
priate romantic or sexual desires into socially acceptable creative energy.
Crushes on much older (or much younger) teachers, doctors, mentors,
family friends, or acquaintances usually fall into this category.
LOVE LESSON 132: AVOID OVERCORRECTING FOR PAST MISTAKES.

Boyhood (2014)
Director: Richard Linklater
Stars: Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Ellar Coltrane, Lorelei Linklater,
Marco Perella, Brad Hawkins
Genre: Drama
For this fictional drama, four actors and the director signed on for a
twelve-year process that follows 6-year-old Mason Jr. (Coltrane), his
sister, Samantha (Linklater), and their divorced parents as they struggle
through arguments, moves, divorces, remarriage, blended families, new
schools, new friends, sibling rivalry, control freaks, emotional abuse, first
love, and college preparation during a dozen years filled with special
moments. Their mother, Olivia (Arquette), is the lucky mom of two good
children who bring her lots of pleasure, but remains unlucky in love.
Sometimes weak and helpless, sometimes strong and independent, she’s
a loving parent trying to balance the needs of her children with her own
needs for a romantic partner.
After divorcing their lazy, irresponsible, inarticulate, and passive
father, Mason Sr. (Hawke), Olivia goes to college to study psychology
to better understand herself and find better employment. She ends up
falling in love with her professor (Perella) and marrying him. In her effort
to avoid marrying anyone like her ex-husband again, she overcorrects her
mistake and marries a man she thinks is stable, but who reveals himself
as driven, controlling, verbally abusive, and violent when drunk. She
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gathers enough courage to escape from that situation and divorce again,
then focuses on the safety and security of her family for a while before
venturing out into the dating scene once more.
After securing advanced degrees, Olivia becomes a professor herself
and falls into another trap by marrying Jim (Hawkins), a former soldier
who now works as a corrections officer. When he also demonstrates con-
trolling behavior and an alcohol problem, she heads for the divorce attor-
ney’s office a third time. Now a dozen years later and the middle-aged
mother of grown children, Olivia looks back on her life wishing she had
made better choices in love.
The Lesson: No one decisive moment determines who you are, but
a series of decisions, experiences, reflections, and memories. Each day
provides the opportunity to seize more special moments and have them
seize you.
Love Language: If you’ve ever been told you’re a mean drunk, stay
sober.
LOVE LESSON 133: DON’T HOLD ON TO ANGER.

The Notebook (2004)
Director: Nick Cassavetes
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, James Garner, Gena Rowlands
This tear-jerking romance takes place mostly in the past through flash-
backs inspired by a notebook. Now living in a nursing home, an old man
(Garner) visits an old woman (Rowlands) every day, reading her stories
from the notebook. The old woman suffers from dementia with severe
memory loss and thinks it’s a new story each time she hears it. The story
focuses on two young lovers, Noah and Allie (Gosling and McAdams),
who meet at a carnival. Obviously reading about when they were younger
in hopes it will jog her memory, old Noah patiently reads to an aged Allie
about how the lovers come from different social classes—she’s upper
class, and he’s a working man. Young Noah promises he will renovate a
run-down mansion for them to live in. Even without the approval of her
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family and friends, Allie falls in love with Noah, who loves her from the
moment he meets her.
In addition to being opposites, they argue constantly. At one point
Allie considers breaking up with Noah and tells him, “Stay with you?
What for? Look at us, we’re already fighting.” Noah replies, “Well, that’s
what we do, we fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of
a bitch, and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass, which you are
99 percent of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have a
two-second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-
ass thing.” While this is not the most loving way to address each other,
these two become old pros at breaking up and making up. Even when a
wealthy man courts Allie and offers her a rich, pampered, high-society
life, the film’s nursing home scenes establish a safe framework that assures
us she eventually makes the right decision.
The Lesson: Couples inevitably argue. The key to staying together is to
fight fairly, forgive easily, and forget what’s not important to remember.
Love Language: Keep a notebook, journal, diary, or “little black book”
of your dates together. List where you went, what you did, and most
importantly, how you felt.
LOVE LESSON 134: THERE’S ALWAYS COUPLES THERAPY.

Director: Donald Petrie
Stars: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey
In How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, magazine writer Andie Anderson

(Hudson) and advertising executive Benjamin Barry (McConaughey)
barely know each other, yet wind up in couples therapy as part of
Andie’s plan to lure him in and then bombard him with commit-
ment-oriented tasks meant to turn him off within ten days. (For
another lesson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, see Love Lesson 65
in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
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PARAMOUNT/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 135: BUY THE STEAK, NOT THE SIZZLE.

Woman on Top (2000)
Director: Fina Torres
Stars: Penelope Cruz, Murilo Benício, Mark Feuerstein
Genre: Fantasy/Romantic Comedy
Brazilian chef Isabella Oliveira (Cruz) leaves her philandering husband,

Toninho (Benício), and her duties at their restaurant for a new life in San
Francisco. Convinced her love for him has been a curse, she believes the
marriage is over and wants a divorce. Soon Isabella finds a new job teach-
ing at a cooking school, until television producer Cliff Lloyd (Feuerstein)
becomes mesmerized by her magical beauty and sensuous culinary skills
and offers her the opportunity to star in a local cooking show.
An immediate hit with her charm, style, and sexual appeal, Isabella
enjoys her newfound success and the attention of Cliff, who expresses
his romantic interest in her. Without warning, Toninho shows up with
musicians to serenade her during an episode of her live television show.
Despite her rejection, he calls her repeatedly, sends beautiful flowers,
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and begs for forgiveness. To help get over him, Isabella tells Cliff she’s
ready for dating and then throws herself at him before they even leave
the apartment. Though extremely interested, Cliff hesitates, telling her
it’s better if they wait until her husband is completely out of her life. He
may have been acting as a gentleman, or perhaps he realized what an
emotional mess she was beneath her sizzling sexuality. Toninho knows
his wife very well; the more he pursues her, the more likely she is to make
up with him.
The Lesson: Flipping the old saw about selling the sizzle, not the steak,
applies in this case. Cliff finds Isabella enticing. Her on-screen persona,
culinary professionalism, and sensuality create an intoxicating blend that
temporarily blinds him to the reality of the situation: He hardly knows
anything about her beyond the outer sizzle. He’s unaware of the details
of her recent separation from her husband, her extreme motion sickness
that forces her to be in control of all physical movement (including vehi-
cles, elevators, and sexual positions), and her strong belief in magic and
superstition. It’s hard to blame Cliff for being romantically interested in
her, and luckily his survival instincts keep him at enough of a distance to
keep the sizzle from burning him too badly.
Love Language: Remember a time when the sizzle got you involved
(or at least interested) in someone in the stage between his or her breakup
and getting back together. What did you learn from the experience? How
did it end? Would you do it again? If you feel comfortable discussing this
with a friend or your partner, go for it. Otherwise, just work through this
task on your own.
LOVE LESSON 136: TALKING ISN’T NECESSARILY COMMUNICATING.

Stars: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet
Genre: Romantic Science Fiction
This time-jumping, mind-bending movie looks at the breakups and

makeups of Joel (Carrey) and Clementine (Winslet), two attracting
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opposites who can’t stay apart no matter how hard they try. Sometime
in the past they were in love with each other, but the relationship ended
badly and Clementine went to a medical clinic for a procedure to have all
memories of Joel erased from her mind. In retaliation, Joel goes through
the same process, but midway through decides to hold on to some of the
better memories of her (which causes quite a problem for the inept tech-
nicians working on his mind at the time). So with Clementine’s memo-
ries erased and Joel’s mind a jumbled mess, they meet again one day and
feel drawn to each other romantically, until the medical clinic sends them
tapes with their own voices describing why they wanted those memories
erased in the first place.
Among their many problems are Clementine’s aggression and Joel’s
passivity, her casual attitude toward proper speech versus Joel’s emphasis
on articulation, and her bohemian ways, which conflict with his tradi-
tional style. The most volatile situation appears to be their different ways
of communicating. Joel’s quietly reserved nature grates against Clem-
entine’s boisterous impulsive personality (and vice versa). He complains
to her about the constant mindless chatter, and she responds, “I want to
know you. I don’t constantly talk. Jesus! People have to share things, Joel.
That’s what intimacy is.” Unfortunately for Joel, intimacy means some-
thing other than her constant conversation.
The Lesson: Although Clementine provides a running commentary
on nearly everything she and Joel do together, they don’t communicate
at the deeper level he desires. Her mispronunciation of words and super-
ficial take on life often make him crave something more, despite his
love for her. For her part, Clementine believes sharing with each other
is an essential part of being a romantic couple, and talking on any level
epitomizes her concept of intimacy. They both express their love, but in
different love languages. (For another lesson from Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind, see Love Lesson 26 in Chapter Two: Dating Services.)
Love Language: If you haven’t read The 5 Love Languages by Gary
Chapman, consider adding this to your reading list. It will help you
determine your primary love language and that of your partner.
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LOVE LESSON 137: LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THE MOMENT LOVE BEGINS.

L.A. Story (1991)
Director: Mick Jackson
Stars: Steve Martin, Victoria Tennant, Richard E. Grant, Marilu Hen-
ner, Sarah Jessica Parker
Harris (Martin) works as a Los Angeles television weatherman, where

he’s bored with his career, his girlfriend (Henner), and his life. When
he suddenly loses his job and his woman, there’s some relief in the way
things worked out for him. Harris then begins a casual fling with a much
younger Valley Girl (Parker) he meets in a store. Although a boost to his
ego, he knows the relationship can’t possibly last for long. At the same
time he’s exploring his newfound freedom, he meets Sara (Tennant), a
British journalist who’s in town to write an article about L.A. and also see
if she and her ex-husband (Grant) should get back together.
Knowing nothing of the possible reunion with the ex, Harris begins
a romantic relationship with Sara and convinces himself that she’s the
one he’s been waiting for all these years. One of the many problems
with this scenario is an already-scheduled trip to a secluded inn with
the Valley Girl, where coincidentally Sara and her ex are also staying.
Inspired by New Age philosophies, popular culture, celebrity worship
in Los Angeles, and the switched lovers in William Shakespeare’s A
Midsummer Night’s Dream, this movie provides direction for its roman-
tically confused protagonist through talking billboards that help him
make decisions about his life.
The Lesson: Harris complains, “Why is it that we don’t always rec-
ognize the moment when love begins but always know when it ends?”
Other than rare “love at first sight” episodes, falling in love tends to be
a gradual, cumulative experience when just enough mental, physical, and
emotional elements combine over time with a mesmerizing mix of chem-
icals that explode in your brain and race through your body in a delicious
feeling we have come to identify as “love.” On the other hand, often it’s
just one deal breaker (an affair, a bold lie, violence, a dark secret from the
past, an addiction, a better offer, etc.) that can destroy love. By learning to
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become aware of growing love instead of waiting until it’s in full bloom,
you get that much longer to appreciate the rush of adrenaline and natural
high that comes with it.
Love Language: If you passed a talking billboard today intended spe-
cifically for you, what would the message say?
LOVE LESSON 138: LIFE TAKES PRACTICE TO GET IT RIGHT.

Groundhog Day (1993)
Director: Harold Ramis
Stars: Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell, Chris Elliott
On a routine assignment to cover the annual Groundhog Day ritual in

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, cranky weatherman Phil (Murray) gets
trapped in a bizarre time loop in which only he is aware of the problem.
Each morning when he awakens, it’s a frigid, unpleasant Groundhog
Day all over again. Phil’s newly hired producer, Rita (MacDowell), and
cameraman, Larry (Elliott), go through the same procedures each day
with no knowledge of the supernatural occurrence. Phil first experiences
fear and anxiety, which evolve into other emotions as each day fails to
lead to the next. As he learns the quirks of the townspeople and the pref-
erences of his pretty producer, he manipulates them for his own benefit,
makes fun of them, and puts the moves on Rita with calculated attempts
at seduction based on what he learned the day before. Some days he
strikes out completely; other days they break up, make out, or make up
throughout the day.
These fun games turn into a feeling of desperation when Phil realizes
he may never get out of the time loop and return to his previous life. Like
the archetypal hero in most film and literature (as described in the 2011
documentary Finding Joe), he must endure a separation from society, an
initiation into a new way of thinking and behaving, and then return to his
previous life as a changed man. In this case, the reluctant hero gradually
awakens spiritually to appreciate the opportunity to help others with
the knowledge he has acquired during the time loop, instead of taking
advantage of people as he was previously. He practices small changes
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each day, until he finally turns the unpleasant day into something spe-
cial. Phil regains enthusiasm for his job and his life, and recognizes the
possibility for a real romantic relationship with Rita rather than casual
sexual encounters.
The Lesson: When the story begins, Phil’s personality leaves much
to be desired. Sarcastic, impatient, condescending, and mean, he treats
everyone with disrespect. The universe putting his life on hold until he
gets it right may be representative of magical realism, but it’s exactly the
kind of magic Phil needs to make life real.
Love Language: Before his time-looping transformation, Phil relies
on sarcasm as his main way to express himself. Sarcasm may be sharp,
bitter comments intended to taunt or deride others, and is most notably
evidenced through condescending vocal inflections meant to hurt and
belittle. Typically used as a defense mechanism against showing vulnera-
bility, sarcasm rarely helps any relationship and usually has the opposite
effect. Resist the temptation to be sarcastic.
LOVE LESSON 139: SOMETIMES A BREAKUP IS MORE LIKE A BREAKAWAY.

Ed Wood (1994)
Director: Tim Burton
Stars: Johnny Depp, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette
Genre: Biographical Comedy/Drama
The black-and-white biopic Ed Wood chronicles the director’s creation

of the notorious 1959 horror film Plan 9 from Outer Space. Low-budget,
cross-dressing movie director Ed Wood (Depp) works frantically to real-
ize his creative cinematic vision with limited funds, minimal emotional
support from those around him, and an extremely modest amount of
artistic sensibility. He lives with his girlfriend, Dolores (Parker), a strug-
gling actress who buys into his dream of filmmaking only as a means of
launching her own career. She complains about a lack of appreciation for
her acting talent and throws a tantrum when Ed reduces the scope of her
role to accommodate an investor.
When Ed finally admits to her that he wears her sweaters and other
garments to satisfy his cross-dressing fantasies, Dolores expresses anger
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and disgust. Her shrill negativity and unsupportive attitude plague Ed

as much as (or more than) his ongoing financial difficulties. After he
appears in drag while shooting the movie, Dolores, already furious about
having to take a lesser role, walks off the set and out of his life forever.
Surely Ed must give a sigh of relief when this demanding, judgmental
diva dumps him, thereby freeing him to find Kathy (Arquette), a woman
open to his unique brand of movie production and wardrobe selection.
The Lesson: Without Dolores’s constant criticism, perhaps Ed’s direc-
tion on Plan 9 from Outer Space would have been more focused and he
would not have earned a place in history as having directed the worst
movie of all time. His passive behavior in relationships and ability to
endure ongoing abuse keeps him prisoner far too long with a woman
who reinforces his negative qualities, such as hiding, sneaking, and
lying. Breaking away from Dolores and finding love with Kathy may
not improve his directing style much, but at least he finds someone who
accepts him and loves him for all his various quirks. (For another lesson
from Ed Wood, see Love Lesson 68 in Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
Love Language: Instead of screaming and throwing things in anger,
as Dolores is prone to do when she doesn’t like something, Kathy’s style
is far more accepting. Upon learning Ed is a heterosexual transvestite, she
hesitates, then says, “Okay.” See if this technique can work for you, too.
When something is out of your control, try listening, considering, and
then accepting the situation as graciously as possible.
LOVE LESSON 140: IF LYING IS EASIER THAN TELLING THE TRUTH, THERE’S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE RELATIONSHIP.
The Hangover (2009)
Director: Todd Phillips
Stars: Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha,
Sasha Barrese, Rachael Harris
Genre: Comedy
Two days before Doug (Bartha) and Tracy (Barrese) get married, his
two best friends and future brother-in-law take him to Las Vegas for
a bachelor party. His friends Phil (Cooper) and Stu (Helms) lie to the
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women in their lives about where they’re going. Phil teaches high school,
but is hardly a role model for young people. He steals the students’ field
trip money for the Vegas trip and can’t wait to get away from his wife
and kids. Irresponsible and immature, he instigates many of the problems
during the trip (such as overspending, stealing a police car, and calling
out obscenities to women on the street). Stu works as a dentist and is
trapped in an abusive relationship with his controlling live-in girlfriend,
Melissa (Harris), who hits him and cheats on him. He tells her they
are on a trip to Napa Valley on a wine-tasting tour, and maintains the
charade throughout their adventure. Alan (Galifianakis), the outsider, is
Tracy’s not-quite-right-in-the-head brother who sneaks drugs into their
drinks in an attempt to bond with the other men, but instead causes tre-
mendous financial damages, risks all their lives, and puts Doug in danger
of missing his wedding.
The film shares what happens to Stu and Melissa when the group
finally returns home, but Phil’s marital situation remains unclear. His
emotional problems seem to necessitate lying, rather than the marriage
(although we don’t know enough about it to be sure). When Phil lies to
Tracy about Doug’s whereabouts, it’s indicative of his habit of deception,
not the relationship between the bride and groom. Doug would have told
her the truth.
The Lesson: In addition to the obvious antidrug message, this movie
provides a nice love lesson as well. Doug—the sanest, healthiest, hap-
piest member of the wolf pack—tells his fiancée they are going to Las
Vegas for a twenty-four-hour stag party. Her brother joins them, and
their father gives Doug his Mercedes to drive so they can enjoy the
ride. It’s an honest endeavor on Doug’s part, and the trip seems more
an effort to appease his friends than a chance for him to engage in one
wild final night of freedom. He tells the truth to his bride’s family and
to his friends, with the sincere intention of arriving back home with
plenty of time to prepare for the wedding. Despite the calamities that
befall them, there’s great hope for his marriage to work out because tell-
ing the truth for him is easier than telling a lie. Phil and Stu have less
chance of success with their relationships, as both lean toward secrets
and dishonesty. And what about Alan? Currently, he’s such a danger
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to himself and everyone around him that he’s not a suitable mate for
anyone. (For another lesson from The Hangover, see Love Lesson 165
in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.)
Love Language: If you’re lying to your partner, take a look at your-
self and the relationship. What do you need to feel safe enough to tell
the truth?
LOVE LESSON 141: ACCEPT EVERYONE ALONG YOUR JOURNEY AS A TEACHER.

Eat, Pray, Love (2010)
Director: Ryan Murphy
Stars: Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem
Based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir of the same name, Liz (Roberts), a

successful journalist with an unsuccessful love life, embarks on a physical
and spiritual journey precipitated by the breakup of her eight-year mar-
riage and an unsatisfying subsequent affair. Neither relationship provided
the connection she needed, and Liz wonders if perhaps her controlling
nature could be part of the problem. So she leaves both men (and most
of her possessions) behind in New York City and goes on a yearlong
spiritual adventure.
Liz travels to Italy (where she eats), India (where she prays), and Bali
(where she falls in love), all of which expose her to new ways of experi-
encing life. Spending four months in each destination, her search begins
outwardly until she’s ready to search within for answers. She makes new
friends and acquaintances, meets spiritual leaders and their followers,
and finds a new romantic partner (Bardem) on her amazing journey of
self-discovery. Liz says: “If you’re brave enough to leave behind every-
thing familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house
to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either
externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything
that happens to you on the journey as a clue and if you accept everyone
you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all,
to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the
truth will not be withheld from you.”
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The Lesson: It’s so tempting to hold grudges against all the exes
who didn’t appreciate you, friends who betrayed you, and teachers who
couldn’t see your brilliance. Letting go of the resentment and learning
from each experience provides a far healthier and happier way of remem-
bering these experiences. Novelist Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach is cred-
ited with the quotation: “Even a stopped clock is right twice a day,” which
applies perfectly to people who you feel have wronged you throughout
your life. Regardless of their cruel behavior, wrong decisions, and faulty
judgment in treating you the way they did, allow their actions to teach
you something valuable.
Love Language: This may take months or even years to achieve, but
remember to thank your “teachers” for whatever lessons they taught you.
If they are unreachable for any reason, write them a thank-you note that
you keep for yourself.
LOVE LESSON 142: FIND A PARTNER WORTH CELEBRATING.

Celebrity (1998)
Stars: Kenneth Branagh, Judy Davis, Melanie Griffith, Charlize Theron,
Famke Janssen, Winona Ryder, Joe Mantegna
Genre: Comedy/Drama
This Woody Allen ensemble comedy doesn’t include much in the way of
makeups. Breakups abound, however, especially with the central character,
Lee Simon (Branagh), a Woody knockoff who divorces his wife, Robin
(Davis), and then tries to seduce nearly every attractive woman he meets.
Claiming he married at too young an age, Lee leaves his wife of sixteen
years and begins a series of meaningless encounters and short-term affairs
with various women. There’s the aging actress (Griffith), the supermodel
(Theron), a waitress/actress (Ryder), and the beautiful Bonnie ( Janssen),
with whom he breaks up the day after she moves in with him as the mov-
ing men load furniture and boxes into his apartment. Lee, a failed novelist,
wannabe screenwriter, previous travel writer, and current celebrity journal-
ist, takes full advantage of his new access to the glitterati and attempts to
trade up as soon as he finds a woman willing to be with him.
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Suffering a breakdown after the divorce, Robin meets a successful

television producer who finds her beautiful and enchanting, and courts
her like she’s a celebrity instead of a 40-something divorcee with an
average appearance and limited skills. His belief in her is so strong that
it overcomes her own self-doubt and low self-esteem, transforming her
into a far better person than she has ever been before.
The Lesson: People usually rise to the level of their loved one’s expec-
tations. If you treat someone poorly, that’s how they tend to behave. Try
adoring your partner as if he or she is a celebrity and see what happens.
As the saying goes, “Don’t stay where you’re tolerated, go where you’re
celebrated.”
Love Language: Write a fan letter to your significant other as if you
could only admire him or her from afar. Don’t write anything creepy or
stalker-like, of course, merely an objective letter commenting on qualities
of his or her public persona that you most admire.
LOVE LESSON 143: THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN ATTRACTION AND REPULSION.
Much Ado About Nothing (2012)
Director: Joss Whedon
Stars: Amy Acker, Alexis Denisof, Clark Gregg
In this William Shakespeare comedy adapted for modern audiences,

director Joss Whedon uses visual pop culture references while maintain-
ing Old English language in an effort to retain the integrity of the story
while making it more accessible to the average moviegoer. While many
other conflicts and potential romances take place, the central characters
are sassy, sharp-tongued Beatrice (Acker) and officer/sworn bachelor
Benedick (Denisof ), who enjoyed one regrettable night of passion
together sometime in the past. Now they meet again at an extravagant
house party at the home of Leonato (Gregg), the governor of Messina
and uncle of Beatrice.
Their uncomfortable relationship and mutual dislike for each other
prompt much plotting within the household, where Leonato and a
handful of other houseguests try to reunite the couple through gross
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exaggerations intended to be overheard by the warring ex-lovers. By mis-

leading one into thinking the other has professed his or her love, Beatrice
and Benedick endure these meddling manipulations—and being who
they are—can’t resist their own mischievous efforts to control the other.
What’s apparent to everyone in the house, other than the two at-odds
lovers, is how much they have in common underneath the sly verbal jabs.
Shot at the director’s own spacious mansion, the airy architecture pro-
vides opportunities for voyeuristic peeks through doors and windows, as
if we too can spy on the conspiracies and know what’s going on before
Beatrice and Benedick finally figure things out.
The Lesson: In his book Modern Man in Search of a Soul, Carl G. Jung
writes, “I opened my eyes to the final truth that, when carried to the
extremes, opposites meet.” That seems to be the case with Beatrice and
Benedick, whose only apparent commonality is exchanging verbal barbs.
Whenever you feel lots of energy—positive or negative—with someone,
it’s worth exploring to see if your extreme opposite positions can ever
meet someday.
Love Language: Read a Shakespearean love sonnet to your significant
other. You might want to start with Sonnet 116, “Let me not to the mar-
riage of true minds.”
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Chapter Ten
SWEET TEMPTATIONS
The desire to do something wrong, unwise, or immoral may

tempt you. There’s a person, activity, or object you may want very much—
craving it constantly—yet the object of desire remains just out of reach.
Sweet temptations don’t involve violence or deliberately hurting others,
and can be rationalized during the heat of the moment as the right,
wise, and moral thing to do under the circumstances. Yet those sweet
temptations aren’t always so sweet. Tasting forbidden fruit can sour other
relationships and leave a bitter taste in your mouth and for those who’ve
been betrayed.
The inappropriateness of the sweet temptation may be apparent in
situations such as engaging in extramarital affairs or breaking up a couple
within a few hours before or after their wedding (see Love Lesson 91 in
Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry for an example of the latter). Other times,
societal structure, socioeconomic status, family heritage, workplace rules,
state laws, religion customs, or lifestyle may arbitrarily deem a romantic
dalliance with the desired person unacceptable.
When it comes to vampires, most of cinematic society—including
law enforcement, vampire slayers, and especially parents—don’t consider
them a sweet temptation, and discourage their lonely isolated teens curi-
ous about sex from bonding with the undead creatures of the night. For
Bella Swan (Twilight) and countless others, the allure of bloodsuckers
leeching their necks often presents too great a temptation to resist. The
following films include rule breakers of all kinds embracing temptations
of every variety.
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LOVE LESSON 144: OFFER YOUR LOVER SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE CAN.
Bright Star (2009)
Director: Jane Campion
Stars: Abbie Cornish, Ben Whishaw, Paul Schneider
Genre: Biographical Romantic Drama
This tragic true story of the three-year romance between impoverished

nineteenth-century English Romantic poet John Keats (Whishaw) and
wealthy socialite Fanny Brawne (Cornish) relies heavily on the mutual
exchange of gifts in the form of letters and poems. Set in the countryside
of Hampstead, England, Fanny lives with her mother and siblings in one
half of a divided cottage. In the other half of the house lives poet Charles
Brown (Schneider) and his visiting friend, John, a far better poet than his
host. Despite Fanny’s lack of poetic understanding, she buys a copy of his
little-read book that earned lukewarm responses from the critics. John
accepts her offer to provide her with private tutoring lessons in poetry even
though her family disapproves and Brown also discourages the relationship.
Soon the two new friends can’t resist the temptation and fall deeply
in love. Their difference in social standing isn’t the only problem, however.
John’s exposure to tuberculosis while caring for his dying brother has in
turn made him frail and sickly. His ill health, poverty, and conscience
keep him from consummating the relationship, although Fanny proves
more than willing to engage in a physical expression of her love. While
John spends much of the next three years bedridden next door (too con-
tagious and/or ill to do anything beyond watch her through the window)
or away in Italy attempting to recuperate in a warmer climate, he writes
her love letters and occasional poems. She writes back, and although her
words lack the same artistry, they come from the heart. Knowing both
their time together and the extent of their romance come with severe
limitations, the two would-be lovers explore their love as best as they can
under the circumstances.
The Lesson: John Keats’s impoverished state coupled with his ill health
strictly limit his ability to court Fanny properly. Therefore in order to
make maximum use of his time, he reveals his passionate truth in the let-
ters and poems sent to her. To a rich girl like Fanny, these expressions of
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love are unlike anything another suitor (wealthy or not) can provide her.
Perhaps their realization of the relationship’s futility makes the tempta-
tion even sweeter.
Love Language: You probably know what’s coming. Try crafting your
own love letter or love poem to tempt your partner. Make it a combined
effort where you each write privately for a set amount of hours, days, or
weeks. Revisit this assignment and read your work aloud for the other to
enjoy. Remember it’s the sentiment—more than technical ability—that
counts here.
LOVE LESSON 145: DON’T CONFUSE STUBBORNNESS WITH INDEPENDENCE.

Far from the Madding Crowd (2015)
Director: Thomas Vinterberg
Stars: Carey Mulligan, Matthias Schoenaerts, Michael Sheen, Tom
Sturridge
Set in Victorian England, this drama based on the Thomas Hardy novel
of the same name depicts the struggles of Bathsheba Everdene (Mulli-
gan), a poor orphan who grows up to inherit a mansion and thriving farm
from her uncle. This sudden fortune increases her chances for marriage
considerably, although her desire for independence and longing for love
cause her great conflict. She’s already rejected the marriage proposal of
former sheep farmer Gabriel (Schoenaerts), who’s now employed on her
farm, but he stays nearby in hopes she might change her mind. For her
part, Bathsheba keeps him around because he’s a straight talker she can
trust. Her wealthy older neighbor, William (Sheen), also courts her in his
own self-effacing style.
As Bathsheba considers her two options—and the third option of
remaining single, of course—a fourth option presents itself in the form
of Troy (Sturridge), a brash young sergeant jilted by his lover. Troy
tempts Bathsheba with wild, reckless behavior unlike anything she’s
seen before. He engages in swordplay, tells her she’s beautiful, and takes
what he wants from her rather than asking. His ungentlemanly behav-
ior should be a warning, but instead lures the naive young woman into
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equally reckless behavior. Warned to stay away from Troy, she insists on
making up her own mind about him because of her strong independent
streak (read: stubbornness).
The Lesson: Had Bathsheba recognized Troy for what he is—merely
a sweet temptation—she could have avoided the sad consequences that
follow. Instead, she stubbornly refuses to listen to others (including her
own common sense, no doubt) and impetuously embarks on a dangerous
relationship with a known scoundrel, while two men who love her sit by
the sidelines.
Love Language: Talk about a time with your partner (romantically or
otherwise) when you confused stubbornness for independence. There’s
nothing inherently wrong about having strong beliefs and not changing
your mind, unless (as in Bathsheba’s case) outer signs, other people, and
your instincts contradict your initial belief.
LOVE LESSON 146: FRIENDS DON’T HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING.

Never Let Me Go (2010)
Director: Mark Romanek
Stars: Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightley, Andrew Garfield
This pseudo science fiction tale, based on the Kazuo Ishiguro novel of the
same name, works with the premise that in 1952 scientists discovered a
way to extend the human life span by creating clones. These clones are
divided into two categories: “donors” who provide body parts for humans
who need them, and “carers” who provide preoperative and postoperative
care for donors until it’s their turn to donate. The clones grow up in spe-
cial schools, taught from the beginning what their role will be in life and
encouraged to look forward to their benefits to mankind.
The movie focuses on three of these clones at Hailsham Academy
as they approach the time to leave school and begin their service. Kathy
(Mulligan) has loved Tommy (Garfield) since they were young. They have
a quiet, consistent love that becomes overshadowed when Ruth (Knight-
ley) decides she wants Tommy for herself. Although the three have
been friends for many years, Kathy calmly accepts her new status as the
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outsider and stoically watches her good friend Ruth steal her man from
her without complaint. Aware of their short life spans, Kathy’s sacrifice
shows amazing courage. Ruth, on the other hand, fears being alone and
only realizes her selfish actions when it’s too late, and Tommy displays
such weakness and cluelessness, he’s hardly worthy of Kathy’s love. Now
at age 31 (the point from which Kathy narrates the film), she can look
back, forgive everyone involved in the love triangle, and take advantage of
the little time she has left with Tommy. She says, “It had never occurred
to me that our lives, which had been so closely interwoven, could unravel
with such speed.”
The Lesson: Even though they’re clones, you can’t help but wonder
what might have happened if Kathy had expressed her love earlier and
voiced her surprise and disappointment when Ruth derailed her romance
with Tommy. The three friends shared so much of their brief lives
together that it’s a tragedy Kathy had to share her man as well. With her
type-A cloned personality and good looks, Ruth could have successfully
attracted the attention of other boys at the school. Her selfishness speaks
of a disregard for Kathy’s feelings and self-centeredness inconsistent with
the altruistic purpose for which she was created.
Love Language: Kazuo Ishiguro’s novels often read like poetry, they’re
so beautifully written. If you enjoyed this film, try reading the book, too,
which surpasses the movie in its language, storytelling, and imagination.
LOVE LESSON 147: THEY CALL THEM “BAD BOYS” FOR A REASON.
Twilight (2008)
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke
Genre: Romantic Fantasy
In Twilight (the first and best in the saga), Bella (Stewart) comes to
live with her divorced police-chief father (Burke) in Forks, Washington,
knowing the weather will be gloomy and overcast most of the time,
but has no idea what lurks beneath those cloudy skies. Forks is home
to American Indians who turn into werewolves and the pasty-skinned
Cullen clan, who turn into vampires. The wolves and vamps don’t get
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along well, and Bella finds herself in a supernatural love triangle with
114-year-old vampire Edward Cullen (Pattinson) and teen wolf Jacob
Black (Lautner). Nice-guy Jacob never really stood a chance against the
cool, clammy, cold-blooded Cullen—epitome of the sexy bad boy, who
will not only take her virginity but also her mortality.
Before long Bella brings Edward home to meet her father, and Edward
brings Bella home to meet his clan, a group of vampires living as a family—
all of whom salivate over Bella’s smell and delicious-looking neck. Even
with her father’s cautions to be careful amid all the strange random mur-
ders in the area, and Jacob’s devotion, and the voice of reason that should
have been screaming in her head to stay away from the undead vampire like
a good little girl, Bella can’t resist the seductive mystery of this tall, pale,
brooding temptation. When Edward reveals he no longer has the strength
to stay away from her anymore, she replies, “Then don’t.”
The Lesson: First Edward tries to ignore her. Then he’s mean to her.
Then he tells her it’s not safe because he craves her blood. Those dis-
couragements seem to turn Bella on even more than before. The regular
human boy who asks her out at school doesn’t interest her at all. The
hard-working werewolf who’s madly in love with her can barely claim
her attention. She’s a good girl craving the bad, and Edward’s a bad boy
craving the good.
Love Language: Bella says, “About three things I was absolutely posi-
tive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him—and
I didn’t know how dominant that part might be—that thirsted for my
blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with
him.” Of what three things are you certain about your partner?
LOVE LESSON 148: A LOVE TRIANGLE SOON BECOMES A COUPLE.

Let Me In (2010)
Director: Matt Reeves
Stars: Chloë Grace Moretz, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Richard Jenkins
Genre: Romantic Thriller/Horror
This movie is an American remake of the 2008 Swedish film Let the Right
One In, based on the best-selling novel Låt den rätte komma in by John
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Ajvide Lindqvist. The creepy romance shows the growing relationship

between a vampire (forever appearing as a 12-year-old girl) and an alien-
ated 12-year-old boy who desperately need to love and be loved.
Owen (Smit-McPhee) obviously has problems. Preoccupied with
finalizing their divorce, his parents argue with each other and ignore him
for the most part. Owen slinks through the halls at school trying to avoid
three bullies who routinely torment him. One day, a strange girl named
Abby (Moretz) and her guardian ( Jenkins) move into the apartment next
door, coincidentally at the same time numerous blood-drained bodies
start showing up around town in what are believed to be Satanic ritual
murders. Abby’s pale. She’s lonely. She doesn’t go to school. She doesn’t
celebrate birthdays. She wanders around barefoot outside in the snowy
playground at night. We know she’s a vampire, but all Owen knows is
that he’s got a potential friend living in the apartment next door.
Owen and Abby’s budding romantic relationship affects more than
just them, however. Her aging guardian, physically and emotionally
exhausted from years of obtaining fresh blood for her, feels threatened by
and jealous of her interest in someone else—someone like he used to be
about forty-five years ago. As his emotional state deteriorates, Abby’s loy-
alties shift to Owen. This first romance (for Owen) raises the horror film
to a higher level. Far more of an outcast than Bella from Twilight, Owen
still succumbs to the sexual appeal of the adolescent vampire, but also
craves a close connection with someone as strongly as Abby craves fresh
human blood. As Owen appears to be the perfect replacement for her
previous guardian, the uncomfortable love triangle can’t last much longer.
The Lesson: Like other vampire stories (including Twilight in Love
Lesson 147), Let Me In creates a symbiotic relationship between lustful
vampire and willing victim. The vampire desires blood and physical inti-
macy, while the innocent wants sexual initiation and emotional intimacy.
Together, Abby and Owen get what they need to survive. And what they
don’t need is a third person.
Love Language: Owen teaches Abby to use Morse code so they can
communicate with each other through the shared wall of their apartment
building. Create a secret code word or phrase that means something
unique for you and your partner.
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LOVE LESSON 149: PANIC DOESN’T JUSTIFY AN AFFAIR.

The Future (2011)
Director: Miranda July
Stars: Miranda July, Hamish Linklater, David Warshofsky
Genre: Fantasy Comedy/Drama
Thirty-something couple Sophie ( July) and Jason (Linklater) make

arrangements to adopt Paw Paw, an injured cat, when it recovers enough
to leave the animal shelter. They’ve lived together calmly and peacefully
for four years with no children and no external or internal pressures.
Sophie teaches dance to children with her extremely limited skills, and
Jason provides home-based computer technical support. For some inex-
plicable reason, the thirty-day deadline for cat adoption throws their
listless life into utter craziness, as they feel panic because their previous
existence will end, and they might suffer a loss of personal freedom with
a third member of the household.
Sophie hallucinates; Jason utilizes his supernatural ability to stop
time for brief periods; and Paw Paw (who narrates the film) also grows
increasingly anxious, for the cat fears its new owners won’t come back to
the shelter. Jason quits his job and begins volunteer work for a cause in
which he truly believes: green living. He goes door-to-door trying to sell
trees, a position for which he is completely unsuited and unqualified; he
also begins a close relationship with an older man, in whom he confides.
Sophie practices for an awful avant-garde dance video she wants to cre-
ate for YouTube, and has a meaningless sexual affair with another man
(Warshofsky). As Sophie and Jason’s relationship problems mount, so
does Paw Paw’s concern over the future.
The Lesson: Change can be scary to some people. However, panicking
into the arms of another lover sounds like a convenient excuse for exper-
imentation, rather than a logical course of action. Feeling anxiety about
unknown events coming in the future creates a wonderful launching
point for closer connection with your partner, rather than providing a
means of straying from the relationship for comfort elsewhere.
Love Language: If your pet could talk, what would it say about you
and your partner?
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LOVE LESSON 150: SWEET YOUNG THINGS DON’T STAY SWEET WHEN YOU BREAK
THEIR HEARTS.
Grand Canyon (1991)
Stars: Kevin Kline, Mary-Louise Parker, Mary McDonnell
Genre: Drama
The ensemble film Grand Canyon concerns six people involved in multi-
ple relationships—professional, friendly, familial, marital, and extramari-
tal. This lesson addresses the last two areas. A bright young single woman,
Dee (Parker), falls in love with Mack (Kline), her older married boss, and
they enjoy a brief affair. Although Mack appears to have been indulging
a fantasy or satisfying his curiosity, poor Dee longs for the real thing:
She fantasizes that Mack will divorce his wife, Claire (McDonnell), and
marry her so they can live happily ever after. But Grand Canyon is more
morality tale than fairy tale.
While Mack and Claire have grown apart somewhat as they
approach middle age and empty-nest syndrome, he has no plans to end
their marriage. A successful attorney, he considers himself a good guy “for
being honest all along”—even “that night” with Dee. She, however, feels
on the verge of hysteria twenty-four hours a day, filled with resentment
and hatred for how he goes out of his way to help others find love but
casually disregards her feelings. Her sweetness and innocence (along with
her job) become casualties of the affair.
The Lesson: Although Dee and Mack are both consenting adults, he’s
the authority figure as her older boss, and he’s the one committing adul-
tery. At the first sign of flirtation, he should have discouraged her and, if
it continued, found her a new position at the law firm or dismissed her
altogether. In general, telling the truth is an admirable quality, but being
honest doesn’t compensate for doing the wrong thing and hurting his
secretary and wife in the process. (For another lesson from Grand Canyon,
see Love Lesson 59 in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
Love Language: In order to fully express love for his wife and honor
their commitment to each other, Mack should have just said “no” to Dee.
That’s it, just one simple word that would have made him look like the
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bad guy for a little while, but ultimately would have been a much kinder
response than “yes.” Many people fear displeasing others by rejecting a
request and facing that momentary discomfort and disapproval. Acting
out of love often requires courage, and sometimes you need to be cruel
(by saying “no”) to be kind in the larger scheme of things.
LOVE LESSON 151: LEARN TO RECOGNIZE LOVE BEFORE YOU LOSE IT.
My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)
Director: P. J. Hogan
Stars: Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Cameron Diaz
Jules (Roberts) works in Chicago as a restaurant reviewer for the news-

paper. Her caustic remarks can make or break a restaurant, and similarly
in her private life, her sharp tongue keeps men at a distance. She has
an agreement with her longtime best friend, Michael (Mulroney), that
they will marry each other if they haven’t found mates by age 28. Shortly
before that deadline, Michael announces his engagement to the angelic
Kimmy (Diaz), a good-natured, fair-minded woman eager to accept
Michael’s friends and family as her own.
The more she thinks about Michael’s engagement, the more Jules
realizes she’s in love with him and probably always has been. Instead of
telling him right then (which was still probably too late), she launches
various attacks on Kimmy, the engagement, and the wedding. It’s ugly,
disgraceful behavior, but Jules feels compelled to do it and vows to not
lose him without a fight. Her selfishness and fear of being vulnerable,
which kept her undateable for so long, also make her a poor candidate to
be Michael’s bride. To make matters even worse for Jules, once married, if
Michael wants the marriage to last, he must switch loyalties and appoint
Kimmy as his new best friend.
The Lesson: Jules wasted years of her life being best friends with
Michael without exploring whether or not they could function as a
romantic couple. Being best friends or even good friends with someone
serves as the perfect foundation for a romantic relationship—far more
reliable in the long run than attraction.
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Love Language: After years of sarcasm and clever barbs, Jules finally
reveals how she really feels in a heartfelt confession right before Michael’s
wedding. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone about their admira-
ble qualities and how they make you feel.
LOVE LESSON 152: RATINGS, RULES, AND REQUIREMENTS DON’T MATTER WHEN
YOU’RE IN LOVE.
Made of Honor (2008)
Director: Paul Weiland
Stars: Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, Sydney Pollack
In a role reversal of My Best Friend’s Wedding, Tom (Dempsey), a serial

dater with a lengthy list of unbreakable rules for the women he takes to
bed, suddenly realizes he loves his platonic female best friend right after
she gets engaged to be married. Tom takes after his father (Pollack), a
womanizer currently married to pretty young thing number six. Tom’s
longtime best friend, Hannah (Monaghan), who always makes him
laugh and understands him better than anyone, has given up on their
nearly perfect relationship ever developing into a romantic union. She
accompanies him to various events as his date, knowing they have no
future together.
Hannah leaves New York for a six-week business trip in Scotland,
and during her absence Tom realizes he loves her. When she returns with
the handsome new fiancé she met overseas, he’s convinced she’s making a
mistake and should marry him instead. Tom, who’s spent his adult years
living by his own set of rules for intimacy, including never having sex
with the same woman in one week’s time, must now come up with a new
set of rules—this time for love. He decides to disrupt their engagement
and steal the bride for himself. Assigned “maid of honor” responsibilities,
Tom tries to use his influence to talk Hannah out of the wedding, but the
nuptials in Scotland remain scheduled as planned.
The Lesson: By carrying on his father’s legacy of moving from woman
to woman whenever there’s a challenge to be faced, Tom remains ill-
equipped to handle real emotions within a relationship. Hannah has
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every right to be skeptical when he finally professes his love for her. He
had ten years to initiate a romance, but because he plays with a different
rulebook than she does, Tom may be sidelined.
Love Language: Do you have any unbreakable rules for dating, sex, or
love? Take some time to re-evaluate them and be sure they still serve you.
LOVE LESSON 153: GETTING BY IN LIFE ISN’T ENOUGH.

The Art of Getting By (2011)
Director: Gavin Wiesen
Stars: Freddie Highmore, Emma Roberts, Michael Angarano, Blair
Underwood
Two outwardly dissimilar teens at a private arts school in New York find
common ground in this angst-filled effort (originally titled Homework)
by first-time writer-director Gavin Wiesen. Trench coat–wearing high
school senior George Zinavoy (Highmore) is about to be expelled for
not doing any of his homework for the entire school year. With three
weeks left, the principal (Underwood) gives him that much time to turn
in every missed assignment, or he will not graduate with his class. Smart
and funny but without any friends, George finds doodling on his sketch-
pad, cutting classes, staring into space, and contemplating death far more
interesting than any class assignments.
One day he meets Sally (Roberts), a popular girl with a bit of an
edge who is sneaking a cigarette outside the school building. When she
risks getting caught, George takes the blame for the smoke; after all, he’s
already in lots of trouble and her record is clean. They form a tentative
bond and discover they both come from highly dysfunctional families.
His mother and stepfather fight all the time; her single mother sleeps
around a lot. Sally’s acceptance helps turn around his nonchalant attitude
about scholastics, and now it’s a race to the finish line to see if he can get
all the work done in time.
As their relationship blossoms from friendship into perhaps some-
thing more, George gets assigned to work as a liaison for Dustin (Ang-
arano), a visiting alumnus artist still trying to establish himself in the
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art world. The high school kids think his laid-back style and accessible
personality are cool, and Sally falls into this trap as well. Though initially
possessing a lazy charm, Dustin reveals himself as more of a con man
than artist, willing to take advantage of young girls who idolize him. This
presents quite a challenge for George, with his history of disinterest and
inaction, because he’s the weakest link in this artistic love triangle.
The Lesson: George makes many mistakes in this movie, and generally
serves as an example of what not to do for finding love and living a mean-
ingful life. He shouldn’t have needed a girl’s interest to motivate him
to take an interest in his own life. He’s talented enough to have earned
a place in a private art school, has enough money to go out to eat and
drink whenever he wants, and wears an expensive trench coat. Yes, war-
ring parents create an unhappy home, but if George doesn’t care enough
about himself and his academic career to do his work, how can he expect
anyone else to care about him either? He trivializes the gift of his life by
“just getting by” and can attract only more failure by continuing to coast
on autopilot instead of taking the controls.
Love Language: George and Sally meet while sneaking cigarettes out-
side on school property. If there’s a smoker in your life, instead of offering
a light, covering for the smoker, and ignoring the danger, show your love
by supporting any effort he or she makes to stop this deadly addiction.
LOVE LESSON 154: SOMETIMES FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY TURNS THEM
INTO LOVERS.
Two Weeks Notice (2002)
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Alicia Witt
Like her parents, Harvard Law graduate Lucy Kelson (Bullock) devotes
her professional career to liberal causes, such as saving endangered
animals, protecting the environment, and preserving landmarks. One
day while fighting to save her favorite local community center from a
developer hired to modernize old buildings, she meets a womanizing
billionaire going through a divorce who thinks she does such a great job
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pleading her case that he offers her a job right then and there. George
Wade (Grant) has trouble holding on to legal counsel because of his
enormous ego and tendency to hire beautiful, but unqualified, female
attorneys. When he sees Lucy’s passion for her work, excellent ability to
communicate, and shapely figure, he figures she can perform a variety of
functions at the office . . . and perhaps in his bed.
George and Lucy have polarized views on life and love, and just
about everything else. She fights for the poor underdogs in life, and he
not only owns a fancy hotel, he lives in it. After countless phone calls,
errands, and busywork, Lucy feels more like his nanny than his attorney.
At the height of her frustration she quits, giving him two weeks’ notice
before leaving the company. Her parents had warned her about frater-
nizing with the enemy, and now Lucy understands what they meant.
For his part, George seems to be playing the same old game, hiring a
gorgeous replacement (Witt) for Lucy, who aggressively goes after him.
In keeping with the romantic comedy tradition of misunderstandings,
breakups, and everything falling apart before coming back together, Lucy
and George do eventually meet each other in the middle. She stops being
an attorney all the time and remembers how to be a woman. He develops
some degree of social conscience based on his exposure to her ideas. In
this case, flirting with the enemy turns them both into lovers and creates
better people through compromise.
The Lesson: Lucy’s parents warn her that wealthy corporate types
like George are the enemy they are fighting against, yet she takes the
job as his attorney anyway. When they form a personal relationship and
discover the individual beneath the stereotype, the chance for a genuine
relationship emerges through that compromise.
Love Language: At the beginning of the movie, Lucy and George
have opposite views on many sociopolitical factors. Do you and your
partner have polarized opinions on important issues? Maybe you can
reach a compromise. Choose the least controversial issue and plan to dis-
cuss it with your partner using these ground rules: Approach the subject
with an open mind to learning something new; supply researched facts
from credible sources rather than merely reciting your beliefs; hear what
your partner says and process it before replying; accept there’s likely a
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kernel of truth in every opinion; remember ideas do not define who you
are; and know that it’s perfectly acceptable to change your mind. Obvi-
ously while name-calling in the movies can be funny, off-screen it’s hurt-
ful. Find something to praise about the opposing side before concluding
the discussion.
LOVE LESSON 155: LIFE IS A COLLECTION OF SPECIAL MOMENTS.

Out of Sight (1998)
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Stars: Jennifer Lopez, George Clooney
Genre: Crime Romance
Falling in love and making the relationship work can be challenging

for anyone, but what if you’re a federal marshal and the man of your
dreams is the career criminal you’ve been assigned to apprehend? That’s
what happens in Out of Sight, a stylish, intelligent film about Jack Foley
(Clooney), a well-mannered, cultured man who has robbed more than
200 banks (without weapons), and Karen Sisco (Lopez), the tough law
enforcer and weapons expert sworn to keep our cities safe from crimi-
nals like Jack. There’s more than misunderstandings, misperceptions, and
missed opportunities keeping this couple apart: Jack has lived a life of
crime that can’t be undone.
Their first encounter takes place outside a Miami prison, where
newly escaped prisoner Jack takes Karen hostage inside the trunk of a car.
He’s polite and considerate, ensuring her safety and comfort throughout
the ordeal. Known for thanking bank tellers and saying “Have a nice
day” after a robbery, he’s overall a great guy except for the whole lifetime
of crime baggage he carries with him. Tasked with bringing the fugitive
back to prison, Karen tracks him as he travels to Detroit and contacts
other criminals from his past. As she watches his movements, researches
his past, and talks to his ex-wife, Karen starts thinking about those spe-
cial moments snuggled against him in the trunk of the car and fantasizes
about him. Although Jack’s thoughts are mostly devoted to staying out
of prison, pulling off a big scam, and not getting killed in the process,
he’s aware of Karen and feels drawn to her also. Their mutual attraction
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culminates in a memorable hotel scene involving role play—special

moments neither of them will ever forget. Karen and Jack both excel at
their chosen careers, and it’s uncertain at the end what the future holds
for the couple.
The Lesson: When he’s a career criminal and she’s a federal marshal
assigned to bring in the career criminal, the story isn’t likely to end with
a fancy wedding and honeymoon in the Bahamas. Despite their mutual
attraction, Jack and Karen know their times together will be sporadic and
limited. Being with each other presents dangers for them both, so each
moment together must be treasured. For these two extreme opposites
who cannot resist the temptation, there can be no ordinary moments in
each other’s company.
Love Language: Tell your partner your favorite moment (or moments)
you’ve shared together, and ask him or her to reveal top picks.
LOVE LESSON 156: IT’S POINTLESS TO SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS

OUTSIDE YOURSELF.
Directors: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Stars: George Clooney, Frances McDormand, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton,
John Malkovich
Genre: Crime Comedy
In this complicated intertwining story set in the Washington, DC, area,

secret government workers, the staff at a local gym, and various friends,
family members, employees, and lovers get into lots of mischief—and
sometimes deadly trouble—by seeking what they don’t possess. Harry
(Clooney), a federal marshal (ironic after his role in Out of Sight, Love
Lesson 155), regularly cheats on his wife and on Katie (Swinton),
his mistress. Katie cheats on her husband, Osborne (Malkovich), a
mean-spirited CIA analyst recently fired for his alcoholism.
Osborne writes a memoir to get revenge for his firing, but the CD
with the manuscript accidentally falls into the hands of two moronic gym
employees, Linda (McDormand) and Chad (Pitt), who think they’ve
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gotten hold of crucial government secrets they can sell to the highest
bidder. Linda, obsessed with her single status and aging body, wants the
money to fund a full-body plastic surgery makeover that insurance won’t
cover. Through Linda’s constant Internet dating site searches, she finds
Harry, who’s always trolling for new sex partners. They meet for a one-
night stand, which provides the final link in this strange interconnected
storyline which begins with temptations of sex, money, and fame, and
ends with disappointment, fear, and a few dead bodies.
The Lesson: Author Byron Katie has written many positive affirma-
tions, including “Nothing outside you can ever give you what you’re look-
ing for.” Linda, Harry, and Katie could all benefit from realizing happi-
ness is always an inside job, and not available through meaningless sexual
encounters. In addition, Linda’s desire to re-create her body, Harry’s sex
addiction, and Katie’s disdain for others are all attempts to transfer the
responsibility for satisfaction and well-being outside themselves. (For
another lesson from Burn After Reading, see Love Lesson 30 in Chapter
Love Language: In describing why she needs plastic surgery, Linda
says, “I have very limited breasts, a ginormous ass, and I’ve got this gut
that swings back and forth in front of me like a shopping cart with a bent
wheel.” Who could possibly feel good about themselves using that kind
of language to talk about their bodies? Write a one-sentence description
of your body, citing only positive elements.
LOVE LESSON 157: WHAT YOU WANT ISN’T ALWAYS WHAT YOU NEED.
Witness (1985)
Director: Peter Weir
Stars: Harrison Ford, Kelly McGillis, Alexander Godunov, Lukas Haas
Amish romance novels (written by “English” authors with Amish friends

and professional ties to Amish communities) are an extremely popular
niche in today’s romance novel marketplace. In these books, the heroine
bakes, cleans, and cares for the sick. On occasion, she might admire the
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firm biceps of a man as he helps raise a barn or fix the wheel on a buggy.
The men, when not hard at work, might think about making another
baby who can grow up to work on the farm. Although the movie Witness
provides many realistic scenes of the Pennsylvania Amish community, the
romantic scenes between young Amish widow Rachel Lapp (McGillis)
and Philadelphia detective John Book (Ford) are pure Hollywood fantasy.
Little Samuel Lapp (Haas) and his mother, Rachel, go on a train
trip following the death of her husband, and while in the Philadelphia
train station, Samuel witnesses a murder in the men’s room. The boy is
detained for questioning while Rachel pleads for their release, saying
they know nothing of English culture. John learns through an accidental
encounter at the police station that Samuel actually witnessed a corrupt
cop committing the murder, rather than the usual criminal perpetrators.
John immediately recognizes the danger and plans to put the mother
and son somewhere safe, but gets shot in the process. He drives them
back to Amish country himself to ensure they arrive safely, until he loses
consciousness from the blood loss and crashes the car into the family
birdhouse. Rachel takes him into the house to nurse him back to health,
and during his convalescence, her father-in-law and community elders
talk about what to do with him.
This particular fish out of water threatens the entire community
by bringing in new ways, new thoughts, and new dangers. In addition,
Rachel and John have a growing attraction that leads to long, hot, mean-
ingful glances at each other, dancing in the barn, and late-night sponge
bathing with the door open, which though tame by Hollywood stan-
dards, would scorch the pages of an Amish romance novel.
The Lesson: The community, most notably Daniel Hochleitner
(Godunov), who’s been courting Rachel, wants John back in Philadelphia
as soon as possible. With a young son to care for, an appropriate suitor
ready for marriage, and a community on the brink of shunning her,
Rachel knows John may be what she wants, but he’s not what she needs.
Love Language: In Witness, John exposes Rachel to pop music and
dance for the first time as they groove to Sam Cooke’s “Don’t Know
Much About History” blaring from the car radio. Is there a song that you
and your partner find irresistible?
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LOVE LESSON 158: THE ONE YOU’RE LOOKING FOR IS YOU.

Director: Michael Schultz
Stars: Taimak, Vanity
In The Last Dragon, self-defense expert and virgin Leroy Green (Taimak)
declines a suggestive offer from beautiful television host Laura Charles
(Vanity) to be her personal bodyguard, because he doesn’t want to distract
himself in his search for the ultimate martial arts master living some-
where in the city. (For another lesson from The Last Dragon, see Love
Lesson 52 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
TRISTAR PICTURES/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: LOUIS GOLDMAN
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LOVE LESSON 159: CURIOSITY AND ATTRACTION DON’T EQUAL LOVE.

Jungle Fever (1991)
Director: Spike Lee
Stars: Wesley Snipes, Annabella Sciorra, Spike Lee
Flipper (Snipes), a successful black married architect, takes an interest in

Angie (Sciorra), a white Italian office assistant on a temporary assign-
ment where he works. They meet, work late together, share a meal, and
that’s about all it takes: The fever has begun.
Lee, who plays Flipper’s friend in the film, describes jungle fever as
a curiosity that blacks have for sex with whites and that whites have for
sex with blacks. Although Flipper has a lovely wife waiting at home for
him and Angie has a hard-working fiancé, neither can control them-
selves against this raging fever. In addition to hurting and angering their
romantic partners, their affair upsets friends and family who insist upon
sharing their opinions on the relationship. The film raises many issues
concerning interracial romance, but there’s no one definitive answer
about how, why, and to whom it happens. Can a relationship prompted
by curiosity and propelled by lust possibly lead to something more?
The Lesson: If Flipper and Angie actually had been in love, it might
have been strong enough to overcome the problems of their prior roman-
tic commitments and the prejudice of their respective communities who
don’t approve of interracial dating. However, this is more a case of curi-
osity, attraction, and fleeting lust than love. To jeopardize his marriage for
an acute case of jungle fever reveals Flipper’s weakness when confronting
a sweet temptation.
Love Language: The lyrics to the “Jungle Fever” song, written and per-
formed by Stevie Wonder, say their feelings are color blind, which implies
more love than lust, in opposition to the movie’s apparent message that the
love isn’t real. The song says they both have jungle fever that causes her to
go “black-boy crazy” and him to go “white-girl hazy,” and concludes with
a decisive statement that there’s no maybe about it, they are in love. Which
case do you think is most often true: Spike Lee’s cynical take on interracial
relationships or Stevie Wonder’s more optimistic view?
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LOVE LESSON 160: LIFE WAS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED, NOT UNDERSTOOD.

Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
Stars: Mia Farrow, Dianne Wiest, Barbara Hershey, Woody Allen,
Michael Caine, Max von Sydow
Genre: Comedy/Drama
So why isn’t this film included in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry? Well, it
could have been. As with most movies directed by Woody Allen, this one
involves people wanting forbidden lovers they can’t have and not wanting
the lovers to which they are already married or otherwise committed. The
fact that the women are sisters and the men are all involved with these
sisters makes the temptation even sweeter—and more forbidden.
During the course of two years between Thanksgiving celebrations,
the temptations are as follows: Hannah (Farrow), a former actress and
now full-time mom, is the oldest, most nurturing sister and is married
to Elliot (Caine), an accountant. Elliot secretly loves recovered alcoholic
Lee (Hershey), Hannah’s youngest sister and the live-in girlfriend of
much-older and embittered artist Frederick (von Sydow). Neurotic,
death-obsessed Mickey (Allen) works as a television executive and pre-
viously was married to Hannah; he sometimes dates the middle sister,
Holly (Wiest), who’s exceptionally bright but chronically troubled and
slow to settle on a career. Tensions and passions flare up between these
characters as they shift partners and embrace the chaos of their messy
lives without trying to fully understand it.
The Lesson: While there’s some science involved in who you become,
where you live, what career you choose, and with whom you fall in
love, overanalyzing every minute detail can rob you of the mystery and
romance of life.
Love Language: Woody Allen is among the most prolific filmmakers
of our time, with 76 writing credits, 52 director credits, and 45 actor cred-
its (according to Internet Movie Database at the time of this writing).
Discuss your favorite Woody Allen film with your partner (or if you don’t
like his work, talk about why not).
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LOVE LESSON 161: ACCEPT TEMPTATION ON YOUR OWN TERMS.

The Rum Diary (2011)
Director: Bruce Robinson
Stars: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Aaron Eckhart, Richard Jenkins
Genre: Romantic Adventure/Comedy
Based on the novel of the same name by Hunter S. Thompson, this movie
depicts Paul Kemp (Depp), a mid-career American journalist living
and working in Puerto Rico in 1960. Paul’s drinking problem affects
his work, so he pads his résumé and still can only find employment at a
less-than-desirable job for a run-down newspaper on the brink of going
out of business. When he’s coherent enough between his boozing and
drugging binges, he writes articles at his rented home and then brings
them to his editor ( Jenkins) for approval. Although Paul wants to write
investigative pieces about local corruption, his cranky editor wants fluffy
tourist articles and top-10 lists. So wearing cool sunglasses most of the
time to hide his red-rimmed eyes, he enjoys drinking and hallucinatory
drugs with his two larger-than-life roommates.
One day Paul sees a gorgeous young women (Heard) skinny-
dipping in the sea and he asks if she’s a mermaid. Assuring him she’s
not, she leaves and they go their own ways, until he meets her again.
This time, she’s introduced (fully clothed) by unscrupulous multimil-
lionaire land developer Sanderson (Eckhart) as his fiancée, Chenault.
Sanderson plans to exploit the people and the land in a sleazy real estate
development deal and wants to hire Paul to write nice things about
what he’s doing. At first, Paul rejects the offer to write more slanted
material instead of the hard-hitting journalism he craves, until financial
and legal matters force him to accept the job. He also craves Sanderson’s
fiancée, which could be a dangerous proposition when dealing with
someone so rich and powerful.
Sanderson asks Paul to pick up Chenault at home and drive her
somewhere, a ruse to have her seduce Paul and thereby gain his loyalty.
There’s clearly chemistry between them, but he doesn’t fall into the trap.
After this experience, a chaotic night at a local club results in a split
between Sanderson and Chenault, with Paul losing the job offer. Ulti-
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mately, although Paul flirts with temptation, he resists yielding to it until

Chenault and Sanderson have broken up, and he can have her to himself.
The Lesson: Even in his chronically inebriated state, Paul is sober
enough to know he won’t have his love life manipulated by someone else.
He alone gets to choose when, where, how, and with whom he falls in love.
Love Language: Depp and Heard had on-screen and off-screen
chemistry while making this movie that resulted in marriage four years
later. Watch this movie with your partner, and even though it was filmed
out of sequence, guess the moment you think they actually fell in love.
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Chapter Eleven
INTIMACY ISSUES
We all crave connection. Underneath all the emotional dam-

age, social constraints, and denials, we want the warmth and affection
associated with emotional intimacy and the appropriate touch of physi-
cal intimacy. In this collection of movies, some women want emotional
intimacy without physical intimacy, some men want physical intimacy
without emotional intimacy, and occasionally this stereotype is reversed
(e.g., The To Do List, What’s Your Number?, Train Wreck). On the other
hand, some women want both emotional and physical intimacy, as do
some men, while some women and men want neither (or think they don’t
until the right one comes along).
This chapter also takes a look at intimacy within special medical cir-
cumstances (The Sessions, Words and Pictures), social mores (Vanity Fair),
and among different age groups (Easy A, Something’s Gotta Give). A few
movies look at professional sex workers (a surrogate, a prostitute, and two
actors) plus an assortment of sex addicts, whose out-of-control physical
urges signify some insatiable emotional needs not met by anything else
in their lives.
While some may argue this chapter should be merged with the
second chapter of this book right after meeting cute, for propriety’s sake
(and in case your grandmother finds this book on your nightstand and
decides to flip through it), intimacy will stay right here next to mar-
riage. Not surprisingly, this chapter has the most love lessons, and the
assortment of related films covering the subject is enormous. These few
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selections represent some of the more popular films in recent years with
highly accessible love lessons.
LOVE LESSON 162: RESPECT AND FEAR AREN’T THE SAME THING.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Stars: Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Elizabeth Banks
Andy (Carell), a nerdy electronics store employee, gets harassed by his

coworkers when they discover he’s never had sex. They go to elabo-
rate extremes to “help” him with his situation, such as coaching him
to merely ask questions of women without actually saying anything,
getting him a date with a transvestite, insisting he get all his body hair
waxed, eliminating his collectable action toys from view in his home,
giving him boxes of pornographic movies, and arranging for him to
go out with a woman (Banks) known for her wild sexual practices. All
he really wants, however, is to date Trish (Keener), a nice woman who
works nearby at an eBay listing store.
Already intimidated by her, when Andy discovers that Trish is a
mother and grandmother, he gets a little panicky because he assumes
that makes her a sexual expert, while he’s clearly a novice. He keeps
his lack of experience a secret from her as they begin dating, and they
agree to withhold sex for entirely different reasons. She doesn’t want
to jump into physical relations too quickly, as she has in the past, and
Andy remains terrified of losing his virginity—most likely afraid of
derision, criticism, and shaming if he performs badly, rather than fear
of the actual procedure.
The Lesson: Andy makes lots of excuses for why he’s never been inti-
mate with a woman. Underneath the excuses—doesn’t have a car, never
found the right girl, timing was bad—lies the real reason: fear. Enduring
endless teasing from his coworkers, Andy says, “You know what? I respect
women! I love women! I respect them so much, I stay away from them!”
He might respect and love women, but he stays away from them out of
fear. The best way to start dating and becoming emotionally and phys-
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Intimacy Issues
ically intimate also happens to be the best way to wax body hair. Set a
date, summon your courage, and just do it.
Love Language: Andy loses his nerve the first time he calls Trish for
a date, and pretends to be a telemarketer. Normally a lovely person, Trish
lets loose with a string of obscenities and tells him he’s sick and needs to
get to the top of a tall building quickly so he can jump off. After that, she
tells him to get a real job, go shoot himself in the head, stab himself with
a knife, and then have sex with his mother. Just for practice to see how
it feels, the next time you answer the phone and it’s a telemarketer (even
if it’s during dinner or your favorite television show), when you talk to
them, remember there’s a real person on the other end of the line, some-
one’s child—perhaps someone’s parent—who’s trying to make an honest
living selling products or services. Put a smile on your face (which will be
reflected in your voice) when you decline or accept the offer they present
to you. You can also practice with your partner the next time he or she
calls you during a busy or stressful time, and you’d rather not talk. Smile,
express your love, and then say another time would be more convenient
for a conversation.
LOVE LESSON 163: THE WAY YOU TREAT PEOPLE IS WHO THEY WILL BECOME.
Easy A (2010)
Director: Will Gluck
Stars: Emma Stone, Penn Badgley, Aly Michalka, Stanley Tucci, Patricia
Clarkson, Thomas Haden Church
Straight-A high school student Olive (Stone) becomes the victim of the
rumor mill when her alleged sexual encounter with a college student
spreads among classmates, and her personal reputation comes into ques-
tion. Because of her good grades and quirky personality, Olive is already an
outsider with only one close friend (Michalka), but even this friend aban-
dons her when lies grow into tales of Olive prostituting herself for store gift
cards. As perceptions of her change from the nice girl to the school slut,
she questions her identity and feels as unhappy as if she had committed
the acts. Her feelings of helplessness turn into anger and she takes action.
203
Going through her wardrobe slashing clothes and sewing new styles,
Olive becomes a modern-day version of Hester Prynne from The Scarlet
Letter, the classic book she happens to be reading in English class. She
decides, “People thought I was a dirty skank. Fine, I’d be the dirtiest
skank they’d ever seen.” Unfortunately, using her emotions to make
decisions instead of her intellect, she ends up hurting herself instead of
getting revenge on the gossip-mongers at school. Although most people
give up on her, one boy (Badgley), one teacher (Church), and her parents
(Tucci and Clarkson) still treat her as the person she’s capable of becom-
ing, rather than who she’s pretending to be at the moment.
The Lesson: German poet, playwright, and novelist Johann Wolf-
gang von Goethe (see Love Lesson 131 in Chapter Nine: Breakups and
Makeups) has been quoted as saying, “Treat people as if they were what
they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of
being.” Olive’s parents work with a similar philosophy when raising their
two children, supporting them, respecting them, and honoring their
talents and abilities. Olive’s classmates work under the opposite assump-
tion, and treat her based on who they think she is according to one false
rumor that goes against everything they’ve known about her for the past
few years. Whether she denies the gossip or pretends it’s true, her public
reputation and self-image suffer from the episode.
Love Language: Treat people as if they were what they ought to be.
LOVE LESSON 164: QUALITY—NOT QUANTITY—IS WHAT MATTERS

IN SEXUAL RELATIONS.
The To Do List (2013)
Director: Maggie Carey
Stars: Aubrey Plaza, Johnny Simmons, Rachel Bilson, Scott Porter
Genre: Comedy
Part Easy A, part American Pie, and part something entirely new, The
To Do List follows an obsessive-compulsive high school class valedicto-
rian who wants to lose her virginity and perform other sexual activities
during the summer before college. Well-known for her previous focus on
academics and disdain for promiscuity, Brandy Klark (Plaza) compiles
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Intimacy Issues
an extensive list of sexual experiences to accomplish as soon as she can

find a willing partner or partners. Taunted by her slutty older sister (Bil-
son) who says sexual experience is required before entering college, and
embarrassed by her lack of knowledge on the subject, socially awkward
Brandy gets a job at a local swimming pool where she hits on a hunky
older lifeguard named Rusty Waters (Porter). She also experiments with
some of the other boys she meets on the job and at clubs.
At first Brandy seems more interested in ticking off boxes of com-
pleted acts than in the acts themselves. She’s also rather dense concerning
nerdy former classmate Cameron (Simmons), who idolizes Brandy and
would make the perfect sexual guinea pig for her, as long as real feelings
are involved. When Cameron discovers he is merely satisfying a few
beginner steps on her “to do list,” he angrily confronts Brandy and lets
her know what he thinks of her summer plans. She also alienates her
friends by messing around with one of their ex-boyfriends. A smart girl
like Brandy will eventually recognize her foolish ways, of course, so she
manages to fix most of her mistakes before school starts in the fall.
The Lesson: Brandy’s summer sexual quest produces a series of humil-
iating and uncomfortable encounters for her, in addition to threatening
all her close relationships with friends. In the nick of time, she realizes
her mistakes and focuses on quality instead of quantity.
Love Language: Make a list of romantic places you’d like to go and
things you’d like to do with your partner. If your list contains highly per-
sonal or potentially embarrassing items, keep it out of sight when friends
and family come to visit.
LOVE LESSON 165: THE TRUTH COMES OUT WHEN INHIBITIONS ARE LOWERED.
The Hangover (2009)
Director: Todd Phillips
Stars: Ed Helms, Heather Graham
Genre: Comedy
In The Hangover, Stu (Helms), a straitlaced, repressed dentist with a

live-in girlfriend who physically and emotionally abuses him, goes with
his friends on an ill-fated trip to Las Vegas, where under the influence of
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WARNER BROTHERS/PHOTOFEST
strong drugs, he winds up marrying a prostitute (Graham). For another

lesson from The Hangover, see Love Lesson 140 in Chapter Nine: Break-
ups and Makeups.)
LOVE LESSON 166: SET AN INTENTION FOR MANIFESTATION.

Vanity Fair (2004)
Director: Mira Nair
Stars: Reese Witherspoon, James Purefoy, Gabriel Byrne
Genre: Historical Drama
As a child, Becky Sharp (Witherspoon) insisted that her father, an

impoverished painter, increase the price on a portrait of her dead mother
that he was selling to the wealthy art collector Marquess of Steyne
(Byrne). Even as a young girl, she knew what she wanted most in life:
money. Becky’s living conditions worsen even more when her father dies,
and she’s raised in a home for girls. Despite her ill-treatment there, she is
provided an education that will make her employable as a governess. Her
quick wit, attractive appearance, fluency in French, and singing ability
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Intimacy Issues
also help her charm those she meets. Yet her humble beginnings keep her
from advancing in society until she adds her sexual allure to her schemes
of climbing the social ladder. Women still have trouble accepting her, but
men seem far more open to her machinations for material wealth.
When Becky meets the handsome gambler Rawdon Crawley (Pure-
foy), she’s instantly attracted to his boldness and risk-taking nature,
as she also lives life as a gambler of sorts—betting that her scheming
seductiveness will land her a wealthy man of a higher social class. After
his proclamations of love, she calls his bluff: “The only men allowed in
my bed chamber are my husband and my doctor.” She played her cards
correctly and manifests her set intention.
The Lesson: Becky never takes her eye off the prize. Her set intention
is to increase her money, power, and social status through whatever means
necessary. Although her marriage to a gambler is not without problems,
Becky’s “sharply” focused intention determines her course of action
before, during, and after life with Rawdon. Her strategy for success in
early nineteenth-century England is uniquely appropriate for her time,
place, and circumstances, but even today’s women can appreciate her
single-minded determination to get what she wants out of life.
Love Language: This discussion will help determine how well your
values coincide with that of your partner. Talk about compromises and
sacrifices you have made to get what you want in any area of your life,
such as love life, family life, or professional life. If your previous set inten-
tion no longer serves you, what are you willing to compromise or sacrifice
now for your new intention?
LOVE LESSON 167: FIND SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A PRIORITY.
Mr. Turner (2014)
Director: Mike Leigh
Stars: Timothy Spall, Dorothy Atkinson, Marion Bailey
Genre: Historical Drama
In this historical biopic about the last quarter century in the life of eccen-
tric English landscape painter J. M. W. Turner, the artist is portrayed by
Spall as a boorish womanizer whose deep spirituality manifests in his art-
207
work but not in his love life. He refuses to recognize the two illegitimate
daughters he had with his former mistress, visits brothels regularly, and
takes advantage of Hannah (Atkinson), his lonely housekeeper, by using
her sexually but maintaining a cold detachment from her otherwise.
While on a working vacation to Margate to paint seascapes, Turner
meets an elderly married innkeeper (Bailey) with a charming personal-
ity. When he returns for another visit, she’s a recent widow. This begins
a series of visits in which he courts her, and eventually she becomes
another mistress with whom he lives part-time. Meanwhile, the lonely
housekeeper begins to suspect her employer/lover might be dipping his
brush in other bottles. When she finds a letter with his other address,
she visits the home and discovers his romantic arrangement with the
widowed innkeeper.
The Lesson: Turner’s lack of emotional intimacy with his housekeeper
indicates she’s more of an object of convenience for him than an object
of affection. He grabs her sexually and takes her from behind in brutish
behavior closer to rape than love. Despite her desperate loneliness and
unfortunate skin condition that worsens as she ages, Hannah should have
realized the futility of her devotion to a man who would treat her with
such disrespect.
Love Language: Tell your partner things he or she does that make
you feel like a priority. Suggest additional words or behaviors that would
make you feel special.
LOVE LESSON 168: CONFLICT PRECEDES GROWTH.

Something’s Gotta Give (2003)
Director: Nancy Meyers
Stars: Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Amanda Peet
Change is often painful. That’s why 63-year-old Harry (Nicholson) and

50-something Erica (Keaton) are so set in their ways. In addition to their
resistance to change, they meet under less-than-ideal circumstances sure
to produce conflict. Erica returns home to her luxurious beach house to
find Harry (sans pants) alone in her kitchen. As she’s on the telephone
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with the 911 operator, Harry explains he is an invited guest of her

decades-younger daughter, Marin (Peet). It’s clear by his attire (or lack
of it) and demeanor, he was intending to indulge in a lusty interlude at
the beach house. A successful playwright soured on love after her divorce,
Erica currently prefers work to love, romance, and sex. Naturally, she takes
an immediate dislike to the aging playboy who’s targeting her daughter.
After Harry experiences a mild heart attack, Marin returns to her
job in the city and leaves her mother to care for him at the beach house.
Despite their initial dislike for each other, they not only call a truce,
but embark on a brief love affair that leaves them both conflicted. Erica
never imagined she could fall deeply in love with a womanizer. She
doesn’t know how “to be physically intimate without being emotionally
intimate.” Having never been a one-woman man, Harry has no intention
of being monogamous now. However, he wonders if the heart attack
and resulting anxiety could be warning him of something other than a
clogged artery.
The Lesson: Without some discomfort from internal and external
conflict, there would be no impetus to change. Until Harry and Erica
experience conflict followed by intimacy followed by more conflict, they
never even consider the need for more personal growth or change in the
way they live their lives.
Love Language: Think back to sometime recently when you had a
conflict with your partner (or someone else). Did you stuff your emotions
or express inappropriate anger? Did you talk through the problem and
learn something about yourself or your partner? If a similar conflict arises
in the future, how will you handle it differently?
LOVE LESSON 169: A DISEASE OR DISABILITY DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

Stars: Clive Owen, Juliette Binoche
Jack Marcus (Owen), a secret alcoholic, used to be a famous writer. Now

a divorced, drunken has-been, he teaches Honors English at a prep
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school and supervises its literary magazine. Jack plays word games and
quotes great writers, giving the illusion he’s still active in the literary
world, when in fact he hasn’t written anything publishable in years. On
the brink of having the literary magazine shut down because of budget
cuts, Jack also fears for his job as more people learn of his drinking prob-
lem. His alcoholism not only affects his teaching and his writing, but
his family relationships, too. When rumors of a new art teacher circulate
through the school, Jack becomes curious. Dina Delsanto (Binoche), a
famous artist who suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, has been accused of
using her cane to beat students. Nicknamed “The Icicle,” Dina uses her
sharp tongue and disapproving stare (and perhaps her cane) as protection
against appearing weak because of her disability.
Jack and Dina first meet in the teachers’ lounge and start arguing
almost immediately. Their animosity leads to a challenge between their
two classes to see whose work is more effective: words from his English
students or pictures from her art students. As the students prepare for the
challenge, Jack and Dina develop a mutual attraction that leads to a few
awkward times together outside school. At home she’s confident about
her art, using ropes and pulleys suspended from the ceiling that allow her
to paint on oversize canvasses despite her physical limitations. Her con-
fidence does not extend to the bedroom, though. Because of her medical
condition, she’s hesitant about sex with Jack because her movements are
restricted, and she’s easily hurt. However, her overriding fear that each
time she has sex may be the last time is so strong, it overcomes everything
else. The word versus pictures challenge allows Jack and Dina to bond as
a couple and to grow individually as they use their talents to help others
and strive to become better versions of themselves.
The Lesson: Binoche researched her role by meeting with rheumatoid
arthritis patients to learn how current medications affect the body and
how medications change the course of the condition. She also studied the
body’s response to the disorder and surmised how it would specifically
affect the physical and emotional life of a painter. Binoche, an abstract
painter whose work was displayed in the film, transformed Dina from an
angry, repressed woman defined by her condition to a redefined character
inspired by the enthusiasm of her students, a romantic interest, and cre-
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ation of new art. (For another lesson from Words and Pictures, see Love
Lesson 4 in Chapter One: Meeting Cute.)
Love Language: Speak your love and show your passion as if this were
the last time you could be physically intimate with your partner.
LOVE LESSON 170: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO, NOT WHAT YOU CAN’T.
The Sessions (2012)
Director: Ben Lewin
Stars: John Hawkes, Helen Hunt, Moon Bloodgood, William H. Macy
This fictionalized account of the true story of journalist-poet Mark

O’Brien (Hawkes) focuses on a man confined to an iron lung for most
of his life, who wants to have sex for the first time before he dies. Unable
to control any muscles below the neck due to contracting polio at age 6,
Mark (in his 30s when the movie begins) lies on his back each day in
his small home hooked up to the iron lung and watched over by rotating
caretakers. His sharp mind and love of words come through in his writ-
ings, though his body no longer functions. His caretakers do everything
for him, with the exception of satisfying his emotional and sexual needs.
(As noted in this film and The Theory of Everything, the story about Ste-
phen Hawking, the ability to get an erection is not necessarily affected
by paralyzing diseases.)
Longing for intimacy, Mark falls in love with one caretaker, a pretty
young woman who soon leaves for another position. Her replacement
(Bloodgood) comes across as a no-nonsense hourly employee, but even-
tually reveals her caring nature as she helps Mark accomplish his unusual
goal through the services of a professional sexual surrogate. His disability
represents only part of the problem, as his strict Catholic upbringing
forbids sexual gratification without intended procreation.
After receiving a “free pass” from his priest (Macy), Mark, whose
“use-by date” is rapidly approaching, hires Cheryl Cohen-Greene (Hunt)
to help him. Cheryl’s six-session program is designed to teach Mark
about body awareness, how to love his body, how to love with his body,
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and how to achieve simultaneous orgasm. Although Cheryl has strict

limitations on how much personal information she will reveal, she’s
completely free about everything relating to nudity, desire, sex, and bodily
functions. Her boundaries are intended to prevent clients from becoming
too attached to her and vice versa. At times a frightened boy and at other
times very much a grown man, Mark’s dying body craves love as much
as his lungs crave air.
The Lesson: Before the days of distance learning and online courses,
Mark displays extraordinary determination and bravery attending college
and graduating while lying flat on his back strapped to a stretcher. After
living a life of socially and physically imposed celibacy, his decision to
lose his virginity before he dies is no less determined and brave. By focus-
ing on the few things he can do sexually, as opposed to the many things
he can’t, Mark fulfills his wish before he runs out of shelf life.
Love Language: Establish whatever boundaries you need to feel com-
fortable in intimate settings.
LOVE LESSON 171: STRIVE TO BE A LOW-MAINTENANCE LOVER.

When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Director: Rob Reiner
Stars: Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan
Ranked as the sixth-best romantic comedy by the American Film Insti-

tute (AFI), this classic examines whether or not men and women can be
friends without sex getting in the way. Harry (Crystal) works as a politi-
cal consultant, a fast-talking pessimist who’s quick to jump into bed with
a woman but slow to turn over his heart. New York Magazine reporter
Sally (Ryan) maintains an upbeat attitude most of the time, but can’t
shake off her obsessive-compulsive tendencies to organize, alphabetize,
and label everything. She’s high maintenance, and Harry’s not accus-
tomed to providing much maintenance to any relationship. Over a period
of twelve years, they slowly evolve from acquaintances to friends to lovers,
as they move from unsatisfying relationships with others.
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Intimacy Issues
Sally’s attention to detail and overall fussiness present obstacles to

their becoming a couple, as they both have definite ideas about sex. Once
Harry finally realizes the quirks he didn’t think he liked about her are
actually quite endearing, he’s embraced the ancient Tao philosophy (as
popularized by Dr. Wayne Dyer): “Change the way you look at things,
and the things you look at change.” Sally also learns to look at Harry
through new eyes when he lowers the protective shield and makes him-
self vulnerable after twelve years of defensiveness.
The Lesson: It’s unreasonable and unrealistic for someone to expect
you to change your core beliefs, behavior patterns, and personality quirks
just to make him or her happy. But if your relationship isn’t progressing as
quickly as you’d hoped or you seem to be stuck indefinitely in the friend
zone, maybe you need to ascertain whether or not you are too high main-
tenance to attract a mate. Changing one thing at a time, such as letting
go of one behavior pattern that doesn’t serve you anymore (e.g., running
a restaurant server ragged with special requests), might help speed up the
romantic process for you.
Love Language: If there’s a cute little quirk that you enjoy about
someone, let them know.
LOVE LESSON 172: REMEMBER THAT EATING CHOCOLATE ALSO RELEASES

PLEASURE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN.
Director: Peyton Reed
Stars: Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor
In Down with Love, Barbara Novak (Zellweger) feels conflicting emo-

tions about Catcher Block (McGregor), despite her creed that says
“Down with Love girls” are independent women who don’t need mar-
riage, love, or commitment and can have sex anytime they want to . . . or
eat lots of chocolate if they don’t. (For another lesson from Down with
Love, see Love Lesson 64 in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
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TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX AND REGENCY ENTERPRISES/PHOTOFEST. PHOTOGRAPHER: DOUGLAS
KIRKLAND
Intimacy Issues
LOVE LESSON 173: ONE-NIGHT STANDS CAN TURN INTO EIGHTEEN-YEAR

COMMITMENTS.
Knocked Up (2007)
Stars: Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Leslie Mann
What are the chances of an overweight pothead slacker hooking up

with a beautiful television personality for one night of wild sex? Unlike
what happens to Seth (a character based on Seth Rogen, with a script he
cowrote) and Jules in Superbad (Love Lesson 71 in Chapter Five: The
Look of Love), in this case with two consenting adults of legal age, alco-
hol is the ultimate equalizer.
Ben Stone (Rogen) smokes pot, makes jokes, hangs out with his
roommates, and watches soft-porn movies. Alison Scott (Heigl) just
got promoted at the television station where she works, and will receive
more money and more airtime. To celebrate her job promotion, she and
her sister, Debbie (Mann), go out to a club where Alison has way too
many drinks. While talking to Ben, Debbie gets an emergency call from
her husband and leaves for home. Alison stays with Ben, continues
drinking, and before long they are at her home in bed together. Even in
her drunken state, she asks Ben to wear a condom, but somehow that
never quite happens. Eight weeks later, she informs him she’s pregnant.
Now these virtual strangers—apart from one night they barely remem-
ber—spend time together deciding if there’s any potential for a real
The Lesson: Most unplanned pregnancies resulting from unprotected
sex with a stranger don’t end with love, marriage, and happily ever after.
In fact, it remains to be seen whether these two dissimilar people, with
only a nine-month courtship before becoming lifetime partners and
parents, can keep the marriage together for long. Will their future be
revealed in Knocked Up 2 perhaps? (For another lesson from Knocked Up,
see Love Lesson 63 in Chapter Four: Date Nights.)
Love Language: Alison and Ben spend lots of time and energy blam-
ing each other for the unplanned pregnancy. Because they were equally
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drunk, careless, willing, and not communicating clearly, the fault belongs
to both of them. When faced with difficult circumstances, work together
on finding solutions, not separately on attributing blame.
LOVE LESSON 174: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART IN EVERY FAILED
RELATIONSHIP.
What’s Your Number? (2011)
Director: Mark Mylod
Stars: Anna Faris, Chris Evans
What a bunch of losers Ally (Faris) has dated over the years. For Ally, a
loser would be someone good enough to go out with and sleep with, but
not marry. After reading a women’s magazine article that says the chances
of finding a husband drastically diminish after having twenty lovers, she
worries upon realizing she has nineteen on her list. Afraid she’ll hurt her
chances of finding her mate, she swears off sex until she knows he’s the
one she’ll marry, but immediately breaks that promise to herself by get-
ting drunk at her sister’s pre-wedding party and sleeping with her former
boss. Now at twenty partners, Ally’s in full panic mode. She meets one of
these former lovers who cleaned up his act and is now a great catch, so
she decides to track down her previous lovers to see if maybe she missed
something the first time around.
With the help of her womanizing neighbor, Colin (Evans), who lives
across the hall of her apartment building and has some sleuthing skills,
Ally seeks an assortment of ex-boyfriends to check them out. As she
and Colin meet the men, a pattern begins to emerge about her behavior.
She loses herself in each relationship (even using a fake British accent
the entire time she dated one man) and then resents not being able to
be herself. Although Colin sleeps with a different woman every night
and slips out of his own apartment each morning to avoid the slightest
indication of commitment, he’s able to see Ally’s weaknesses quite clearly
(but not his own). During a confrontation with her mother, Ally begins
to realize how her relationship with her mom is paralleled in her dating
choices. Armed with this knowledge, she might be able to make it work
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Intimacy Issues
with a man who’s got his own dating issues, but has been there for her
since her quest began.
The Lesson: Ally’s problems with men are caused largely because she
blames them for losing herself. Once she sees her own part in the failure
of each relationship, there’s hope she can do a better job next time of
remaining true to herself while honoring her partner.
Love Language: If you listen to the lyrics of love songs on the radio,
you’ll see most of them have something in common: They blame the
ex-lover for everything wrong in the relationship. Take Taylor Swift’s
“Bad Blood” for instance. She attributes their unsolvable problems to his
actions rather than hers, and invites him to take a look at the long list of
things he did wrong to harm the relationship. Tune into any station any
time, and you’ll soon hear a song about someone else being the source of
trouble. And songs about taking half the responsibility and owning his or
her mistakes? Well, not so much.
LOVE LESSON 175: WORK ON GETTING HEALTHY, NOT GETTING EVEN.

Get Him to the Greek (2010)
Stars: Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, Elizabeth Moss, Rose Byrne
Genre: Comedy
Aaron Green (Hill), a shy though enthusiastic intern at a record company,

gets the chance to impress his boss by bringing British rock star Aldous
Snow (Brand) to the Greek Theater in Los Angeles for an anniversary con-
cert. Snow’s personal life is completely out of control with sex, drugs, and
alcohol addictions, and an entourage of yes-men who enable his outrageous
behavior. On advice of his boss and with only seventy-two hours to com-
plete his mission, Aaron unwillingly immerses himself in Aldous’s world,
which involves substance abuse that makes him sick and sexual encounters
that jeopardize his relationship with Daphne (Moss), his live-in girlfriend
back home with whom he recently argued. Aldous also struggles with rela-
tionships, as his overindulgences and addictions appear to be an escape for
dealing with his feelings for his ex-girlfriend (Byrne).
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Intent on getting the resistant rock star to the Greek on time, Aaron
remains true to the job while losing himself in the process. Throughout
the experience, the two men find their personal and professional lives
overlapping in unexpected and uncomfortable ways. Upon returning
home, Aaron learns his girlfriend is aware of his indiscretions (through
some unfortunate pocket phone dials), and Daphne figures if he can find
sex outside their relationship, then so can she.
The Lesson: Currently, Aaron and Daphne are too selfish to be faith-
ful, live-in partners to each other. Both put their careers ahead of their
relationship and compromise their romantic commitment to appease
their bosses. They act first without thinking and deal with the predictable
(though not to them) consequences later. Daphne’s decision to expand
their physical intimacy to include others is an angry attempt to get even,
not a loving effort for self-improvement and a means of strengthening
her relationship with Aaron.
Love Language: Making important decisions without consulting your
romantic partner (whether dating, living together, engaged, or married)
trivializes your partner’s importance in your life. Talk openly about a time
when you each made an important decision with and without consulting
the other. Compare the results of each decision.
LOVE LESSON 176: ONE MAN’S BLESSING IS ANOTHER MAN’S CURSE.

Good Luck Chuck (2007)
Director: Mark Helfrich
Stars: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba
In Good Luck Chuck, because of a curse placed upon him, every woman
who has sex with Charlie (Cook) immediately afterward meets the man
she’s going to marry, which makes him quite popular and sexually satis-
fied, but eventually lonely when he falls in love with Cam (Alba) and she
doesn’t want to date him because of his reputation as a womanizer. (For
another lesson from Good Luck Chuck, see Love Lesson 191 in Chapter
Twelve: Wedding Planning.)
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Intimacy Issues
LIONS GATE FILMS/PHOTOFEST
LOVE LESSON 177: BELIEVE IN THE GOOD STUFF.

Pretty Woman (1990)
Director: Garry Marshall
Stars: Richard Gere, Julia Roberts
Vivian Ward (Roberts) certainly didn’t plan on becoming a high-priced

prostitute walking the streets of Hollywood, California, looking for
wealthy businessmen and film industry executives to seduce. She dropped
out of school in the eleventh grade to follow her then-boyfriend to the
area, but when that relationship fell apart, discovered prostitution as a
means of supporting herself. Although she is poor, naive, and uncultured,
Vivian’s exceptionally attractive appearance allows her to claim high fees
for her services. Wealthy business tycoon Edward Lewis (Gere) sees
Vivian on the street and asks her to stay with him in his posh hotel pent-
house in Beverly Hills. He’s in town for a week on business and doesn’t
want to be alone. So for $3,000, she agrees to do whatever he wants for
six days and six nights.
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Edward isn’t quite sure what he wants: Sometimes he needs a friend

to talk to, other times it’s a pretty date to accompany him to dinner, and,
of course, he wants sex, too. Although Edward lives a privileged life and
demands the best of everything, Vivian has resigned herself to hustling
for a living, with little hope of living the fairy-tale life she always dreamed
of as a girl. “People put you down enough, you start to believe it,” she says.
“The bad stuff is easier to believe.”
The Lesson: In most fairy tales, a rich handsome prince rescues the
poor but beautiful woman at the end. Suddenly there’s no more suffer-
ing for the lovely maiden, and the couple lives happily ever after. Pretty
Woman works with the same premise, but waiting for someone else to
rescue you from unpleasant circumstances is not the lesson here. That wait
can last a lifetime. Real life functions less like a fairy tale and more like a
lucid dream, with your mind controlling the dream. So what might have
happened if Vivian had found the good stuff easier to believe? Maybe
she would have finished high school and gone to college. She could have
used her beauty to get legitimate work as a model, actress, hostess, server,
or some other job where a nice appearance opens doors. She might have
gotten a loan and started her own business. There’s no end to opportuni-
ties when you believe in the good stuff.
Love Language: Vivian tells Edward, “I appreciate the whole seduc-
tion thing you’ve got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I’m a sure
thing.” Even when you have a “sure thing,” provide the erotic words and
gestures for seduction.
LOVE LESSON 178: THE SPIRIT CONSISTS OF LOVE.

Don Juan DeMarco (1994)
Director: Jeremy Leven
Stars: Johnny Depp, Marlon Brando, Faye Dunaway
When a 21-year-old man (Depp) claiming to be Don Juan DeMarco

threatens to hurl himself from a billboard and kill himself over lost love,
Dr. Jack Mickler (Brando), a psychiatrist who’s ten days away from retire-
ment, agrees to work on the case. In ten days, Jack will either release the
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man from psychiatric care or commit him to a mental institution. In his

thick Spanish accent, Don Juan shares his exotic and erotic life story with
the doctor—a story quite different from being a lonely young man from
Queens, New York, obsessed with a centerfold model, as his paper trail
suggests. Don Juan tells stories of becoming sexually aware at an early
age, fighting a duel with his father over his mother’s honor, living in a
sultan’s harem, bedding more than 1,500 women, and loving women so
intensively, they spontaneously lactate. When Jack suggests he is delu-
sional, Don Juan tells him, “There are only four questions in life . . . What
is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what
is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: Love.”
Inspired by his passionate patient, Jack carries some of that enthu-
siasm home to his wife (Dunaway), who immediately notices the differ-
ence. Staff members also catch Don Juan’s hot-blooded fever, with nurses
swooning over him and male attendants dancing through the halls. Once
the patient is no longer suicidal, the question about whether or not he’s
delusional becomes far less relevant, and embracing his philosophies on
love becomes the highest priority for the entire mental hospital.
The Lesson: Don Juan’s story mixes fantasy and reality to create the
most interesting version of himself. When he becomes too lost in the
fantasy, he becomes suicidal. In contrast, Jack has become too grounded
in reality, and has become boring and uninspired. During the psychother-
apeutic sessions, both men receive therapy of sorts. In Modern Man in
Search of a Soul, Carl G. Jung writes, “The meeting of two personalities is
like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both
are transformed.” That’s what happens here as the formerly suicidal Don
Juan and the ready-to-retire-from-life Jack inspire each other to reclaim
their spirit of love.
Love Language: Don Juan boasts that no woman has ever left his
arms unsatisfied. If you intend to brag about your sexual prowess to any-
one, make sure you can deliver on that promise.
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LOVE LESSON 179: THE JOURNEY OF ROMANTIC LOVE MEANS TRAVELING FROM
OBJECTIFICATION TO INTIMACY.
Don Jon (2013)
Director: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Stars: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Scarlet Johansson, Julianne Moore
Jon (Gordon-Levitt) proves so successful at picking up pretty girls for

sex that his friends call him Don Jon. In addition to casual sex, this New
Jersey native works out at the gym, waxes his car, visits his parents, con-
fesses at church, and masturbates to porn multiple times a day. In fact,
his porn addiction is so intense, so time-consuming, and so satisfying
for him that his highly active sex life pales in comparison. The attractive
women he beds don’t have airbrushed beauty and don’t moan and praise
like the women at the porn sites. Real women have body issues, insecu-
rities, emotional problems, jobs that demand their attention, and their
own needs to fulfill.
In some ways like the character Don Juan in Don Juan DeMarco
(Love Lesson 178), Jon loses himself in fantasy and can’t function very
well in the real world of relationships. He meets Barbara ( Johansson)
at a bar one night and is instantly smitten, yet she’s not nearly as com-
pliant as his fantasy porn girls. Conversely, Barbara’s own unrealistic
demands—based on literal interpretations of romantic movies—make
her the perfect counterpart for Jon. Naturally it can’t last, though, because
each wants the objectified fantasy instead of the reality. After Jon and
Barbara crash and burn, he takes a college class where he meets Esther,
an older woman (Moore), with whom he eventually bonds. Resistant at
first because she’s so grounded, sincere, and real, Jon finds she and he can
help each other grow.
The Lesson: Trained by his low-class father who objectifies women,
Jon has much to unlearn about love and sex before he can learn the
proper way to interact. Although he has romantic feelings for Barbara,
their immaturity about love and stereotypes about sexual partners dooms
the relationship from the beginning. After his initial reluctance to get
involved with Esther, he begins to see her as a person rather than merely
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an older woman with sexual potential. This small step toward maturity
may lead to reducing his porn addiction, and perhaps someday com-
pletely eliminating it.
Love Language: Barbara’s literal interpretation of romantic movies
causes her to have unrealistic expectations. Whether narrative features or
documentaries, films have points of view, symbolic messages, artistic rep-
resentations, and love lessons, but rarely demonstrate an entirely accurate
depiction of how people speak and behave in relationships. That’s why it’s
called the art of filmmaking, instead of the science.
LOVE LESSON 180: PHYSICAL INTIMACY WITHOUT EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IS

MERELY PLAYING A ROLE.
Director: Richard Curtis
Stars: Martin Freeman, Joanna Page
Love Actually follows eight different couples in various stages of love

during the Christmas season in London. One of these couples is a pair
of actors working on an adult movie. John (Freeman) and Judy (Page)
shoot nude scenes of simulated sex each day, and even though they start
as strangers, they become friends and may have the potential for more if
they can both overcome their emotional shyness.
For John and Judy, taking off their clothes and simulating physical
activity is how they earn a living. They’re able to carry on normal con-
versations while naked because it’s a job and nothing personal—at first
anyway. What they’re doing with their bodies is pretend, but what they
talk about is real. Their chatting becomes more intimate as days go by,
and soon John and Judy notice—really notice—each other beyond mere
physical characteristics. Both nude body doubles have lots of practice at
being naked in front of others, but their shyness reveals a lack of experi-
ence in true intimacy with the opposite sex. After spending days simu-
lating a variety of sex acts with her, John finally asks Judy out on a date.
He tells her, “I might get a shag at last!” to which she replies, “Naughty,”
but her body language tells another story.
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The Lesson: The nude body doubles make a nice metaphor for the
meaningless of casual sex. As strangers, John and Judy can simulate pas-
sion and excitement, but as they become friends, they become shyer in
each other’s company. When the concept of actual dating, romance, love,
and sex becomes an option, they’re both willing, but afraid, to experiment
with real physical and emotional intimacy. (For another lesson from Love
Actually, see Love Lesson 38 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
Love Language: At one point Judy quotes the Mariah Carey Christ-
mas song lyric (and title) to John: “All I want for Christmas is you.” Is
there a song lyric or title that accurately summarizes your feelings for
your partner?
LOVE LESSON 181: YOUR PARENTS’ HURTFUL LEGACY NEED NOT BECOME YOURS.
Trainwreck (2015)
Stars: Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Colin Quinn
In Shallow Hal (Love Lesson 77 in Chapter Five: The Look of Love),

Hal’s dying father, Reverend Larson—high on morphine—gives this
advice to his son, which ruins his perspective on love for the rest of his
life: “Never settle for average . . . Find yourself a classic beauty with a
perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the
Lord.” In Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby’s father
causes a lifelong obsession with risk-taking in his young son when he
tells him in a drunken rambling, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” Similarly
in Trainwreck, Amy’s philandering father (Quinn) informs his two young
daughters about his impending divorce from their mother by telling
them to repeat this mantra over and over until they sear it into their
brains: “Monogamy isn’t realistic.”
Now in her 30s and working as a magazine writer, Amy (Schumer)
has taken this advice to heart. She has a well-deserved reputation for
promiscuity and drinking, often together, which causes her to wake up
in strange beds sometimes. On assignment to write a sports article, she
interviews Aaron (Hader), a straitlaced surgeon, who takes an instant
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liking to her. After a nice date together, where she surprises him by sug-
gesting she sleep over, they begin a romance where their sexual habits and
experience couldn’t be more different. He’s monogamous and loyal, and
she’s . . . Amy. Although she had never given much thought to the origin
or implications of her free and easy attitude toward sex, falling in love
with Aaron suddenly makes this an issue. Unlike most romantic come-
dies in which the male character has the casual attitude toward sex and
he must change for the monogamous-minded woman, this movie flips it
around, and is thorough enough to tell us why.
The Lesson: Parents usually mean well, but they see life through the
distorted lens of perception based on their own unique experiences,
which may be positive, negative, or somewhere in between. So even with
the best intentions, parents can fill your mind with wrong ideas and
self-destructive thoughts, as Amy’s father did to her when he was soured
on love and marriage. The key is to recognize your pattern of unhelpful
behavior and find its source of origin. Tracing behaviors back to the
beginning allows you to free yourself from them by putting them into
proper perspective.
Love Language: Be especially careful with your words when speaking
during emotional times. That’s typically when people’s words cause the
most damage.
LOVE LESSON 182: OPPOSITE DYSFUNCTIONS ARE PARALLEL REACTIONS TO THE

SAME EMOTIONAL WOUND.
Shame (2011)
Director: Steve McQueen
Stars: Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan
Genre: Drama
The audience never finds out what happened to Brandon (Fassbender)

and his sister, Sissy (Mulligan), as children, but based on their adult
behaviors, we know it was something terrible. Recognizing that their
behaviors deviate from the norm, Sissy tells her brother, “We’re not bad
people, we just come from a bad place.” The behaviors in question are
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addictions: Brandon has a sex addiction, in which he’s constantly taking

action but experiencing no feeling, and Sissy has a love addiction in
which she’s constantly feeling but never taking action.
These two severely damaged people have attachment disorders so
deeply ingrained and sexual behavior so inappropriate, they can barely
function in society. Brandon’s clutter-free apartment has little else besides
pornographic magazines, sex videos, and a porn-filled computer he uses
for live webcam sex. He masturbates daily at work and downloads porn
while at the office, when he’s not having actual sex with strangers, visit-
ing sex clubs, or hiring prostitutes. Sissy has just been abandoned by her
latest boyfriend, another in a long series of men running for cover from
her incessant neediness and instability. An emotional wreck, she invades
Brandon’s apartment without an invitation and intends to stay until she
stabilizes. He can’t attach emotionally, and she can’t detach emotionally.
Honest communication and genuine emotion are beyond Brandon’s
grasp, but as tension builds when his work porn is discovered and Sissy
long overstays her welcome, he finally finds himself able to express one
true emotion: anger at his sister for disrupting his routine.
The Lesson: This NC-17 film consists of one raw emotionally vul-
nerable scene following another. There’s no specific sexual encounter or
explicit case of graphic nudity that will shock the viewer—they all will.
Brandon’s insatiable lust grows over time as he needs more and more
physical stimulation to bring life to his deadened emotions. Sissy’s non-
stop roller-coaster ride of emotions helps her feel alive, as she prefers
the pain of abandonment to the empty feeling of nothingness. Whether
Brandon and Sissy were sexually abused, physically abused, and/or aban-
doned as children, we can only guess, but based on their exact opposite
responses, they appear to be uniquely expressing their reactions to the
same emotional wounds.
Love Language: As a love junkie, Sissy often says “I love you” to
people without understanding what love means. Clinging codependence
is not love. Used as a manipulative device to make people stay with you
when they want to leave, those three words reveal more fear than love.
Only say “I love you” to someone if you feel love at the time.
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Intimacy Issues
LOVE LESSON 183: UNDERNEATH THE LUST, ADDICTIONS, AND FETISHES, IT’S ALL
ABOUT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
The Little Death (2014)
Director: Josh Lawson
Stars: Bojana Novakovic, Josh Lawson
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Much like the British comedy Love Actually (Love Lesson 180), which
presents eight vignettes of romantic couples, the Australian comedy
The Little Death offers five views into the intimate lives of people with
sexual fetishes. The main couple, Maeve (Novakovic) and her longtime
boyfriend, Paul (Lawson), have a tender, loving relationship until she
brings up her secret fantasy. She wants Paul to rape her, but following her
guidelines, of course. Underneath the sexuality and fetishism, Maeve still
craves the personal connection. She doesn’t want to know when, where,
or how, and she doesn’t want to know it’s him, but she wants it to be him
committing the assault. Paul, a nice guy who has no idea how to indulge
her fantasy, asks a friend for advice, then plans, practices, and proceeds,
but without success because Maeve can smell him. Ultimately, Paul plans
the perfect fantasy for her, but the results surprise them both.
The other couples in the film explore a variety of fetishes: role-playing
that gets out of hand; dacryphilia (sexual arousal from someone’s tears
of pain); somnophilia (sex with a sleeping person); and two young hear-
ing-impaired people (one of whom wants phone sex) who meet through a
video-relay service for the deaf. While the sexual satisfaction is fleeting, the
emotional connection enjoyed during great sex lies beneath all these desires.
The Lesson: Not all of the depicted fetish scenarios end happily. When
one person focuses too much on the mechanics of the fetish rather than
love for his or her partner, the relationship suffers as a result. Sometimes
the fetish grows into an all-consuming obsession for them both that over-
shadows their other connections as a couple, and ultimately destroys the
relationship. Without emotional connection, romances can’t be sustained.
Love Language: If you’re determined to make a sexual fantasy a reality,
talk to your partner about it, but be prepared for the potential fallout, as
some people perceive another’s fantasies and fetishes as a reflection of
their own inadequacies.
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Chapter Twelve
WEDDING PLANNING
Do you need advice on finding a wedding singer, planner,

venue, or dress for the big day? Or perhaps you need an exotic location
for your honeymoon. There’s a movie for that . . . and everything else.
The popularity of wedding movies lies in their relatability. Charged
with emotion and fraught with disaster, weddings take meticulous
planning and preparation, and on the actual day of the event, who
knows what will happen?
Most people get married sometime in their life, often multiple
times. With the time pressure, financial burdens, and inherent drama
of weddings, they lend themselves perfectly to the romantic comedy
movie genre. Screenwriters have already done the work for you, provid-
ing clever ideas of what to do (and what not to do) for every conceiv-
able romantic scenario.
You can adapt these silver-screen suggestions for your own private use
by mixing and matching for the best results. Keep in mind these two key
ideas that will aid in the process: romanticize and customize. One word to
discard: criticize. So many elements of the wedding are out of your con-
trol—rainstorms, fighting in-laws, nervous groomsmen, malfunctioning
equipment—but it’s completely within your power to add silver-screen
romance to your proposal, engagement, wedding, and honeymoon.
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Wedding Planning
LOVE LESSON 184: WEDDINGS ARE ABOUT MORE THAN THE BRIDE.
Sixteen Candles (1984)
Director: John Hughes
Stars: Molly Ringwald, Michael Schoeffling, Anthony Michael Hall,
Blanche Baker
Samantha Baker’s (Ringwald) sixteenth birthday coincides with her older

sister’s wedding weekend. The days leading up to the wedding include
one disaster after another for the teenager. She has a huge crush on high
school senior Jake (Schoeffling); a geeky freshman (Hall) has a crush on
her; the Bakers have taken in a sex-crazed foreign exchange student for
the event; Samantha’s two sets of visiting grandparents have no filtering
systems for what they say in public; and her sister, Ginny (Baker), has
become bridezilla. When Samantha realizes no one in the family has
remembered her birthday, Ginny takes her moping sister aside. “Darling,
is something bothering you?” she asks. “Because you’re acting like . . . an
asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think you’re jealous that I’m get-
ting married and that I’m getting all the attention.” Ginny’s assessment
of Samantha’s behavior indicates how thoroughly forgotten Samantha is
amid the wedding festivities.
Without Samantha’s knowledge, Jake has been talking to the geek
about her, learns of her birthday, and wonders if they have enough in com-
mon to be a couple. His attempts to call her result in miscommunications
with her grandparents. Eventually he shows up at her house and meets the
hungover foreign exchange student, who directs him to the church to find
Samantha. They finally get together and enjoy birthday cake.
The Lesson: Concerned with their own roles in the wedding and the
demands of the self-absorbed bride, Samantha’s family forgets about her
sixteenth birthday. Several options were available to the family to prevent
this oversight. The date of the wedding could have been earlier or later than
Samantha’s birthday. The birthday celebration could have been planned for
before or after the wedding. The family could have arranged for a tribute
to Samantha at one of the wedding festivities. Although a once-in-a-
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lifetime (they hope) wedding trumps an annual birthday celebration, that’s

no excuse for the Bakers forgetting their daughter’s sixteenth birthday.
Love Language: Sometimes the language of love is merely remember-
ing to say what others have forgotten.
LOVE LESSON 185: LIFE GETS IN THE WAY OF PLANS.

The Five-Year Engagement (2012)
Stars: Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Rhys Ifans
When Tom Solomon (Segel) proposes to Violet Barnes (Blunt) after

a year of dating, he intends to marry her in the near future. Those
plans change when Violet’s sister becomes pregnant with the child of
Tom’s best friend after they hook up at the engagement party. Happily
employed as a sous chef at a fancy San Francisco restaurant, Tom gets
thrown a curve ball when Violet gets accepted into a two-year postdoc-
torate program at the University of Michigan. They agree to postpone the
wedding again so they can move to Michigan until she earns the degree.
While there, Violet works on her main thesis with her professor, Winton
Childs (Ifans), who becomes attracted to his young protégé.
Tom’s career flounders in Michigan, and job prospects are bleak. He
falls into a depression, compounded by deaths in Violet’s family, which
cause more wedding delays. After a few drinks one night, Winton and
Violet kiss, which causes guilty feelings for them. When she confesses
to Tom and assures him it means nothing, things don’t go well. Tom’s
reactive behavior with her and then again later, when Winton apologizes,
shows how much more growing up he needs to do before becoming a
true romantic partner in good faith.
The Lesson: Whether engaged or married, Tom and Violet will be
arguing; the only difference is what they’re arguing about. They make
many of the typical young-lover mistakes, such as not communicating
effectively, making assumptions, rushing to judgment, and searching for
happiness outside themselves. Maybe the universe keeps putting obsta-
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Wedding Planning
cles in their way because they aren’t ready to get married until they have
five more years of life experience before settling into marriage.
Love Language: Tom drunkenly rejects Winton’s apology for kissing
Violet, by shouting at him, chasing him, and threatening him with vio-
lence. Whether you can forgive someone or not (and let’s hope you can),
it’s important to accept an apology. The apology doesn’t indicate all is well
and the offense never occurred; it means the person acknowledges doing
or saying something he or she regrets. To accept an apology shows you
confirm the acknowledgment of wrongdoing.
LOVE LESSON 186: SOMETIMES YOU KNOW MORE THAN THE MARRIAGE
COUNSELORS DO.
License to Wed (2007)
Director: Ken Kwapis
Stars: Mandy Moore, John Krasinski, Robin Williams
After a brief courtship, young lovers Sadie Jones (Moore) and Ben Mur-
phy (Krasinski) want to get married. Although Ben suggests a quick
exotic wedding in the Caribbean, Sadie has her heart set on getting mar-
ried at her family’s church with Reverend Frank (Williams). The church
has weddings booked solid for the next two years, but the reverend can
marry them in three weeks, if they’re willing to undergo a crash course
of his regular premarital counseling sessions. They readily agree, not
knowing that inside the seemingly sane Reverend Frank lurks a sadistic,
demented pervert determined to break up the happy couple.
The unconventional tactics used in this particular marriage prepa-
ration course include abstention from sex, microphones hidden
throughout their apartment to ensure they follow the rule about sex,
an uncomfortable word-association game with Ben and his future
in-laws, a creepy pair or remote-controlled babies to care for and clean
up after, and heated arguments designed to create tension. Reverend
Frank proves himself to be mean-spirited and manipulative, shoving
unnatural obstacles in the path of the unsuspecting couple. When they
choose not to go through with the wedding, it’s a direct result of the
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horrific marriage preparatory course, but ultimately the decision to wed

falls upon the couple, not Reverend Frank.
The Lesson: Although the movie hints at Reverend Frank’s motives
for his behavior, we don’t really know and don’t really care. He may be a
fine reverend in other capacities (though that’s highly doubtful), but he’s
unfit to lead premarital counseling sessions. When couples suspect the
advice they’re getting is motivated by something other than the counsel-
or’s sincere wish for their happiness, they need to find another counselor.
Love Language: Perhaps the real “preparation” in Reverend Frank’s
course consists of preparing the young couple for speaking up when
someone is behaving inappropriately. Few, if any, situations justify this
kind of abhorrent behavior. You can prepare yourself for speaking up
in difficult circumstances by speaking up in easier ones. Practice gently
speaking your truth in low-risk situations until it becomes habit.
LOVE LESSON 187: THE SAME THINKING THAT GOT YOU INTO A SITUATION CAN’T
GET YOU OUT OF IT.
Bridesmaids (2011)
Director: Paul Feig
Stars: Kristen Wiig, Chris O’Dowd, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Jon
Hamm
Having lost her boyfriend and bakery, Annie (Wiig) figures she’s hit
rock bottom. To compensate for those losses, she’s sleeping with an
inconsiderate jerk (Hamm) and working at a jewelry store, where her
negativity about love and friendship has customers hurling insults at her
before racing to the exit. Soon she’s also kicked out of her apartment,
loses her new job, and finds out her best friend is getting married. Surely
this is rock bottom. The only ray of hope is that the painful loss of her
engaged friend, Lillian (Rudolph), may be offset by her assigned role as
maid of honor. However, she’s also denied this pleasure when a snarky,
deep-pocketed bridesmaid (Byrne) begins a mean-spirited game of
one-upmanship with her for the bride’s affection.
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While driving home from an unpleasant encounter with the brides-

maids, Annie is pulled over by a good-natured policeman (O’Dowd)
who happens to have been a frequent customer at her former bakery. This
begins a romantic relationship that Annie quickly sabotages with her usual
negative thinking and behavior. Instead of appreciating his kind gesture of
purchasing ingredients for her to bake them breakfast because he enjoys
her cooking so much, she perceives this act as trying to fix her problems,
which she deeply resents. She angrily leaves his home with the intention
of ending the relationship. This new loss—compounded with her previ-
ous losses—is truly rock bottom. Annie is not a particularly sympathetic
character because she repeatedly follows the same destructive patterns of
behavior. It isn’t until those around her offer forgiveness and make efforts
to change that Annie makes her own effort to be a better person.
The Lesson: Annie’s consistently wrong thinking and knee-jerk reac-
tions cause her and others around her considerable pain and frustration.
Aided by her loving mother, a bighearted cop, her forgiving best friend,
and a repentant bridesmaid, she may be able to turn her life around, if she
gets out of her own way and starts thinking before she speaks and acts.
Love Language: Your close friends, family, and partner usually recog-
nize your destructive patterns and negative thinking long before you do.
When you are willing to listen without a need for defending or attacking,
try asking some of these people in what areas they think you could use
improvement.
LOVE LESSON 188: IT’S BETTER TO SAY NO THAN RESENT SAYING YES.
27 Dresses (2008)
Director: Anne Fletcher
Stars: Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Malin Akerman, Edward Burns
The fairy-tale atmosphere at weddings has always appealed to Jane Nich-

ols (Heigl), who helps plan weddings as a hobby. Her day-to-day job,
however, is working as an executive for her fabulously outdoorsy boss,
George (Burns), with whom she’s secretly in love. Her closet is packed
with bridesmaid’s dresses from weddings she’s attended—twenty-seven
233
to be exact. She patiently waits for the day when it’s her turn to walk
down the aisle in a wedding gown instead of a bridesmaid’s dress. When
her jet-setting, pretending-to-be-outdoorsy sister, Tess (Akerman),
arrives in town, she gets the kind of reaction from George that Jane has
been praying for all this time. Tess and George enjoy an ostentatious
whirlwind courtship and then announce their upcoming nuptials to the
crestfallen Jane, who hides her disappointment with her usual codepen-
dent coping mechanisms. Naturally they expect Jane to plan the perfect
wedding for them.
Kevin (Marsden), a handsome newspaper weddings reporter, wants
to write an article about Jane’s unusual hobby after he secretly reads her
daily planner with bridal information. He hates his job and has a cynical
view on weddings, and hopes his “Always a Bridesmaid” article will land
him a better position at the newspaper. He interviews Jane on the pretext
of writing about Tess and George’s upcoming wedding, but actually pre-
pares the article about Jane and submits it to his editor before realizing
what a jerk he is and how much he likes Jane. After a date, some drinks,
and unplanned sex (at least on her part), Jane and Kevin are headed for
big trouble when his article about her hits the newsstands the very next
day. Will Jane be able to forgive Kevin? Will Kevin find a new job he
prefers? Will Jane get over her devotion to George and fall in love with
Kevin? If you’ve made it all the way here to Chapter Twelve, you already
know the answers without needing to see the movie.
The Lesson: Although Jane loves weddings, spending her time and
money to make others happy, while she’s incredibly unhappy, appears
codependent. When she agrees to plan the perfect wedding for her sister
and George, it makes her miserable and borders on masochistic. Jane
clearly needs to say “yes” when she wants to and “no” when she doesn’t.
Like on an airplane where you take care of your own oxygen needs before
helping others, she needs to focus on self-care first, to be healthy enough
to better serve others later. (For a role reversal of sexy siblings stealing
lovers, see Dan in Real Life, Love Lesson 13 in Chapter One: Meeting
Cute and Love Lesson 83 in Chapter Six: Sibling Rivalry.)
Love Language: Practice politely declining invitations to events you
don’t enjoy, rather than attending and feeling resentful.
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Wedding Planning
LOVE LESSON 189: MARRIAGE COMES WITH A PROMISE, NOT A GUARANTEE.

Director: John Hamburg
Stars: Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston, Debra Messing
In Along Came Polly, Reuben (Stiller) never dreams his new bride (Mess-
ing) will cheat on him during their honeymoon, but when she sees a
hunky scuba-diving instructor, she can’t control herself, which provides
Reuben the opportunity to meet Polly (Aniston), who comes into his life
exactly when he needs her. (For another lesson from Along Came Polly, see
Love Lesson 46 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
UNIVERSAL/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: TRACY BENNETT
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LOVE LESSON 190: YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE.

The Heartbreak Kid (2007)
Stars: Ben Stiller, Malin Akerman, Michelle Monaghan
In this remake of the 1972 film, 40-year-old sports shop owner Eddie
(Stiller) hasn’t been lucky at love. After his former fiancée marries some-
one else, he gives in to pressure from his father and panics at the thought
of always being alone. He rushes into a marriage after knowing Lila
(Akerman) for only six weeks, but she seems like the perfect woman for
him, and they happily head for their Mexican honeymoon. Once there,
Eddie soon realizes he knows nothing about the real woman he married.
Lila’s wonderful job turns out to be merely volunteer work; she’s deeply in
debt to multiple sources; she’s incredibly immature; and she’s an unsexy
freak in bed.
On the beach one day during his honeymoon while Lila’s in the
room recuperating from severe sunburn, Eddie meets down-to-earth
Miranda (Monaghan) and knows right away this is the woman he’s been
waiting for all his life. So he makes another foolish decision: He starts
courting Miranda and hiding from Lila, telling neither one about the
other. Obviously the truth about his marital status must surface, and he’s
going to have two women extremely angry at him. Lila and Miranda
both abandon him when his deception is revealed, and Eddie has plenty
of time to make good decisions for his future.
The Lesson: The main reason why Eddie and Lila rush from a few
weeks of dating into marriage is because as a single woman, she’s at risk
of getting transferred to Holland for her job. So instead of getting to
know each other better, they jump into marriage without giving it much
thought. As miserable as Eddie seems to be with his outlandish new wife,
Lila may be disappointed, too. Although she appears to have deliberately
hidden important sides of her personality from him, Eddie’s quick temper,
tendency toward deception, and lack of forethought don’t make him a great
catch either. Had they both slowed down and taken their time to get to
know each other better instead of rushing into marriage, Lila might have
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Wedding Planning
moved to Holland and found a better situation that helped stabilize her
personality. Eddie could have taken his time and sought the perfect woman
when the time was right. (To see Ben Stiller in the reverse role as the new
husband getting dumped on the honeymoon, see Along Came Polly, Love
Lesson 189 and Love Lesson 46 in Chapter Three: Giving Gifts.)
Love Language: Money issues lead to many divorces. Always discuss
outstanding debt and other key topics such as political views, religious
preference, and desire to have children before getting married.
LOVE LESSON 191: PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.

Director: Mark Helfrich
Stars: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba
Charlie (Cook) can’t find true love. He’s never been able to have a satis-
factory romantic relationship since an angry 10-year-old Goth girl placed
a hex on him when he was just a boy. They were playing Spin the Bottle at
a party, and he refused to kiss her or do whatever else children do in the
closet during those games. According to the curse, after Charlie has sex
with a woman, the next man she meets will be her future husband. Now
twenty-five years later, he’s still alone, but very popular with the ladies.
Word spreads that he’s a lucky charm for finding love, but unfortunately
has no love of his own.
This condition makes him irresistible to most single women, but not
to Cam (Alba), a clumsy penguin specialist at a marine park who is the
one woman he truly loves. She’s sweet and sensitive, and Charlie falls in
love, but is afraid to have sex with her because of the curse. Although Cam
suspects Charlie tricks women into bed, he believes wholeheartedly in
the curse, so he visits the Goth girl—now a grown-up Goth woman with
a little Goth girl of her own—and earnestly pleads for release from the
curse. She tells him the hex wasn’t real, but just something she said in anger
(although her secret voodoo doll implies otherwise). We never know for
sure. Believing himself to be released from his bad luck, Charlie now feels
free to pursue Cam and experience mutual love for the first time.
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The Lesson: Based on what he experienced, Charlie believes in the hex,

as do the women who sleep with him and then soon marry. For them, the
supernatural curse is true. Cam, a marine biologist with a scientific back-
ground, does not believe, so for her it’s not true. People’s belief or disbelief
helps shape their reality. (For another lesson from Good Luck Chuck, see
Love Lesson 176 in Chapter Eleven: Intimacy Issues.)
Love Language: Despite going through a brief phase in which he
takes advantage of his lucky-charm status to have guilt-free sex with
numerous women, Charlie yearns for a meaningful relationship. He also
wants to get married to Cam, and uses a creative and sensitive means of
proposing based on the penguin mating ritual where the male delivers a
pebble to his selected female. Although Cam also would have appreciated
a traditional wedding proposal, Charlie’s thoughtful attempt to do some-
thing special makes the event even more memorable.
LOVE LESSON 192: IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO SAVE THE FRIENDSHIP THAN TO
SAVE THE DATE.
Bride Wars (2009)
Director: Gary Winick
Stars: Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Candice Bergen
Longtime best friends Liv (Hudson) and Emma (Hathaway) have

dreamed of their wedding days since they were little girls. Now as adult
professionals living in New York City, they still talk about getting mar-
ried to their boyfriends, having the perfect wedding at the Plaza Hotel,
and living happily ever after. The women are overjoyed when both of their
boyfriends propose on the same day, and they visit the city’s top wedding
planner, Marion St. Claire (Bergen).
With the promise of their dream weddings—both scheduled for the
Plaza Hotel a few weeks apart in June—Liv and Emma help each other
pick out dresses for their big days. Each plans to be the maid of honor
for the other, but when Marion tells them there’s been a mix-up and
both weddings are set for the same day, their easy camaraderie turns into
animosity. Neither wants to change venues or wait for another opening in
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Wedding Planning
the hotel’s busy schedule. Liv and Emma then proceed to terrorize each
other with vindictive hair, makeup, and dress sabotage schemes. Without
a compromise on venue or date, there’s only one logical solution for these
two former best friends who want the exact same thing, which—though
obvious to audience members—somehow eludes the two young women.
The Lesson: Looking at the bigger picture, the date and location of a
wedding represent merely a moment in time. Liv and Emma have been
best friends since childhood, enjoying closeness even sisters rarely achieve.
Yet when they each get engaged, it turns into “me, me, me” instead of “us,
us, us.” Fighting over the date and location is unnecessary and demeaning;
one or both of the women could compromise by choosing other locations
or they could have a joint wedding. Their willingness to sacrifice more than
a decade of special friendship for one special day shows how their right-
brained (or more accurately, lame-brained) thinking has suppressed their
ability to think logically during the pre-wedding chaos.
Love Language: When the wedding planner reveals she made a mis-
take and one woman must change her date and venue, Liv and Emma
have the chance to show their love and support for each other. Instead,
they show their selfishness. When asked to compromise on something
that seems important at the time, put the situation into proper perspec-
tive so you remember that relationships matter more than anything else.
LOVE LESSON 193: BULLIES WERE BULLIED; LOVERS WERE LOVED.

You Again (2010)
Director: Andy Fickman
Stars: Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver, Odette Yust-
man, Jimmy Wolk
Genre: Comedy
What can you do when your older brother brings home his new fiancée
and she’s your archenemy from high school—the bullying nemesis who
made your teenage years miserable? You can tell your family about it,
tell the bully about it, and try to talk your kindhearted brother out of
the marriage. And when those don’t work, well, that’s the second half
of the movie.
239
Nerdy in high school and the target of a bully (Yustman), Marni (Bell)
now has self-confidence and works as a successful public relations execu-
tive. When Will (Wolk) unknowingly brings home her rival from high
school, Marni goes to her mother for help. Gail (Curtis) has little sympathy
for her daughter’s plight until the bride-to-be’s only living relative shows
up—Aunt Mona (Weaver), who tormented Gail in high school. Now, she
finally understands her daughter’s anguish that their beloved Will plans to
marry “Satan’s Spawn,” as Marni refers to her. The wedding weekend soon
arrives, and the two sets of women want to tear each other apart. Nothing
is forgiven or forgotten as these old rivals get ready to rumble, but there’s
always hope for reconciliation, especially in romantic comedies.
The Lesson: Bullies such as Aunt Mona and Joanna are created by
being bullied and mindlessly continuing the tradition. At one point
Mona recognizes her bullying toward Gail was prompted by jealousy,
but getting in touch with feelings only represents step one in the process.
How those feelings turned into the behavior also needs to be addressed,
preferably by a mental health professional, so Mona can understand the
bullying legacy. Unless Joanna also seeks professional help to end her
abusive ways, she and Will will propel another generation of bullies into
the future. (For a similar premise, see Mr. Woodcock, Love Lesson 118 in
Chapter Eight: Emotional Baggage.)
Love Language: Intimidation, manipulation, and cruelty mark the bully
as someone who doesn’t know how to motivate people by using loving
words and gestures. Try the loving words and gestures first . . . and always.
LOVE LESSON 194: COMMITTING TO BACHELORHOOD IS STILL MAKING

A COMMITMENT.
Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
Director: Mike Newell
Stars: Hugh Grant, Andie MacDowell, Kristin Scott Thomas, Anna
Chancellor
In this clever British comedy, playboy Charles (Grant) doesn’t give too
much thought to marriage, other than when he has to deliver one of
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his fumbling speeches and toasts. Women have always been attracted to
his casually handsome style, gentle good nature, and ability to laugh at
himself. What they don’t like quite as much is his inability to commit.
Two of his former lovers, Fiona (Thomas) and Henrietta (Chancellor),
still have a place in his life—Fiona as a close friend and Henrietta as a
potential love interest again.
Charles accompanies his circle of friends to weddings and funerals,
which seem to be their main social gatherings. At one such occasion, he
meets Carrie (MacDowell), a free-spirited American woman with a long
list of sexual partners. They immediately notice each other and begin a
mild flirtation at wedding one, which turns into a sexual adventure at
wedding two. Charles begins to wonder if maybe there’s something more
between them and starts toying with the idea of commitment, love, and
marriage, which previously had been too scary to contemplate. As he
builds his courage and prepares to broach these subjects with Carrie, a
strange thing happens and she’s no longer available. Brokenhearted, he
starts thinking old “Duckface Henrietta” is looking better all the time.
Floundering between his long-standing commitment to bachelorhood
and his awakening desire to commit to a woman, Charles has a minor
crisis trying to figure out what he wants in life.
The Lesson: At one point Henrietta tells Charles, “You don’t have to
think ‘I must get married,’ but you mustn’t start relationships thinking
‘I mustn’t get married.’” Charles’s confusion about commitment pres-
ents problems for him throughout the film. Committing to keeping an
open mind about commitment may be the best strategy for all singles
to employ.
Love Language: Charles gets tongue-tied when delivering wedding
speeches and usually ends up saying something embarrassing. Don’t leave
important presentations to chance. Write your speeches and practice
them in front of a mirror or video camera to ensure your words and body
language say what you intend.
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LOVE LESSON 195: ALL YOU HAVE FOR SURE IS THIS MOMENT.
Midnight in Paris (2011)
Stars: Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams
Genre: Romantic Comedy/Fantasy
Laid-back and literate, Gil works as a successful Hollywood screenwriter,

but longs to finish his novel about a man who runs a nostalgia shop.
Engaged to Inez (McAdams), from a wealthy, socially prominent family,
he looks toward their upcoming nuptials, life in the suburbs, and endless
hours of shopping with some trepidation. Gil is someone who goes with
the flow, however, and accompanies Inez on a vacation in Paris along
with her family. Feeling trapped by his abrasive fiancée and unfulfilling
work as a screenwriter, he daydreams about the past—the artsy bohemian
lifestyle of the literary greats of previous generations.
While Inez goes out dancing late one night, Gil decides to take a
walk through Paris to soak up the atmosphere. During his solitary mid-
night walks through the city, he becomes transported back in time to
the early 1900s. Through some sort of unexplained magic that he grate-
fully accepts, Gil drinks, dines, and converses with literary giants and
renowned artists, including F. Scott Fitzgerald, Zelda Fitzgerald, Ernest
Hemingway, T. S. Eliot, Gertrude Stein, Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dalí,
Henri Matisse, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Paul Gauguin, and Edgar
Degas. Musical greats Josephine Baker and Cole Porter add to the fun.
Surrounded by such inspired creativity, Gil falls in love with Paris (and
its previous residents) and decides a major lifestyle change is in order—
more writing, less shopping, and maybe even a move to the City of Light.
Contrasting sharply with this fantastical nightlife are Gil’s dreary daytime
interactions with Inez, her friends, and family. As he attempts to escape
into the past, amazingly the past also wants to escape into its own past,
too. But ultimately Gil needs to change his present and appreciate each
moment, so the present can be even more thrilling than the past.
The Lesson: Following the path of least resistance only works when
you’re on the right path. Gil’s clearly headed in the wrong direction, and
uses the most creative minds from the past to give him the messages
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he needs to hear in his realistic illusion, or is it illusory realism? While

studying the past and learning from it are necessary parts in the process
of our personal evolutions, getting stuck in the past may be as dangerous
as not exploring it at all.
Love Language: There’s a reason why classic literature earned that
label. If you haven’t read books by the authors portrayed in this film, try
reading one book from each author and decide if you think his or her
label is deserved.
LOVE LESSON 196: EVEN THE BEST PLAYERS CAN’T CONTROL THE GAME.
Wedding Crashers (2005)
Director: David Dobkin
Stars: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, Isla Fisher,
Christopher Walken, Jane Seymour
John Beckwith (Wilson) and Jeremy Grey (Vaughn) work as divorce

mediators in Washington, DC, dealing with spiteful, disillusioned cou-
ples whose wedding vows have become meaningless through years of
hurt, anger, and disappointment. As a result of their own disdain for mar-
riage, the two business partners and lifelong friends crash weddings for
the sole purpose of picking up girls mesmerized by the swirl of romance,
mystery, and beauty surrounding weddings.
One particular event catches Jeremy’s attention—a wedding hosted
by the wealthy Treasury Secretary Cleary (Walken) and his wife (Sey-
mour) for their daughter. While attending the wedding, they apply their
usual practiced charm and customized anecdotes, and manage to get
invited to a weekend house party afterward, during which they hope to
seduce the other two Cleary daughters, Claire (McAdams) and Gloria
(Fisher). John and Jeremy have varying degrees of success playing their
game, in part because Claire is already engaged (despite her obvious
interest in John) and Gloria has sexual fetishes so extreme, they actually
surprise jaded Jeremy. Eventually their cover story is blown and they are
revealed as wedding crashers. After shouting, threats, misunderstandings,
243
and hurt feelings, John and Jeremy attempt to get on with their wed-
ding-crashing lives, but find the Cleary sisters are not that easy to forget.
The Lesson: The two men think they have mastered the art of one-
night stands, casual sex, and commitment-free encounters, yet they
unexpectedly meet their matches playing the game they believed they
had mastered. Suddenly the rules change for them, and they no longer
know how to play. Off-screen reassessments of beliefs and adjustments to
behavior are necessary as the rules to the game of life constantly change,
no matter how expert the player.
Love Language: John and Jeremy base their hobby of wedding crash-
ing entirely on their ability to lie and manipulate to get what they want.
Once the damage is done, repair is often not possible. Strive to be honest
in all your personal and professional dealings, and don’t tell a second fib
to cover up for a previous falsehood. The cycle never ends, so it’s far better
to confess if caught lying than to perpetuate the myth.
LOVE LESSON 197: THERE’S NO SET AGE FOR FINDING LOVE.

Director: Joel Zwick
Stars: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett
In My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Toula (Vardalos) gets sympathy, criticism,

grief, and ridicule because she’s reached the age of 30 and remains unwed,
that is, until she meets the non-Greek man of her dreams (Corbett). (For
another lesson from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, see Love Lesson 82 in
Chapter Five: The Look of Love.)
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IFC FILMS/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: SOPHIE GIRAUD
LOVE LESSON 198: DON’T DRINK AND WED.

Laws of Attraction (2004)
Director: Peter Howitt
Stars: Pierce Brosnan, Julianne Moore
In Laws of Attraction, two New York family practice attorneys, highly

relaxed Daniel Rafferty (Brosnan) and totally uptight Audrey Woods
(Moore), working on opposite sides of a high-profile divorce case
involving a rock star and his wife, have an instant reaction to each other.
Viewers can see their mutual attraction, but it takes them a little while to
acknowledge there’s any chemistry between them.
Daniel and Audrey go out for drinks one night, and she senses he has
seduction on his mind. She tells him, “There are no psychoanalytical short-
cuts into my bed.” But Daniel doesn’t need them. A few drinks for both
of them, and they wind up between the sheets together. Clearly that was
245
a mistake, but when the case takes them to Ireland to determine which of
their clients gets possession of the mansion there, they get drunk again and
wind up between the sheets again—only this time they’re married. In order
to maintain the integrity of the case (or what’s left of it) and keep them-
selves from being laughingstocks back home in New York, they continue
the charade of being happily wed. Any rom-com connoisseur, however,
knows that when a movie’s two stars pretend to be in love, they actually fall
in love. Luckily for them, they’re already married.
The Lesson: Although their drunken encounter doesn’t result in a
pregnancy (see Knocked Up, Love Lesson 173 in Chapter Eleven: Inti-
macy Issues), it does produce embarrassment and discomfort for them,
and a conflict of interest that should have dismissed one or both of them
from the case. Without the alcoholic enticement, they may have waited
until the case ended and then pursued their romance without any contro-
versy. Likewise, they could have waited to marry until they were making
fully informed decisions, saved themselves the stress of maintaining a
deception, and followed the traditional practice of getting married first
and then having too much to drink at the reception.
Love Language: Audrey tells Daniel, “A sincere apology is just a
manipulation tactic like forgiveness or generosity.” Any career, family, or
life situation that produces that kind of mind-set needs to be avoided at
all costs. Despite the inane dialogue spoken by Ali MacGraw and Ryan
O’Neal in 1970’s Love Story that “love means never having to say you’re
sorry,” the ability to sincerely apologize is an absolute requirement in a
loving relationship.
LOVE LESSON 199: LOVE IS LOVE, WITH OR WITHOUT A MARRIAGE LICENSE.

Limited Partnership (2014)
Director: Thomas G. Miller
Stars: Tony Sullivan, Richard Adams
Genre: Documentary
Long before the fictional characters Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and
Jack Twist ( Jake Gyllenhaal) from the 2005 film Brokeback Mountain
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struggled to make their relationship work, in 1975 off-screen couple

Richard Adams and Tony Sullivan became one of the first same-sex
couples in the world to legally wed. Held during a small ceremony in
Boulder, Colorado, the marriage was legal at the time, but immediately
became a heated national controversy that resulted in their license failing
to provide them with benefits normally assigned to married couples.
Richard, a Filipino American, and Tony, an Australian, applied for a
green card for Tony based on their marriage so they could stay together
in America. The Immigration and Naturalization Service denied their
request in a letter, stating, “You have failed to establish that a bona fide
marital relationship can exist between two faggots.” Even though the
country no longer recognized their marriage as legal and Tony’s mother
disowned him, the two men were determined to remain a couple, filing
the first federal lawsuit in U.S. history against the government that
sought equal treatment for same-sex couples. They lost that battle, and
faced with Tony’s deportation, lived a quiet life outside the law in which
Tony could not legally work or get Social Security. Together for more
than forty years until Richard’s death, their commitment to each other—
with or without a legal marriage license—is undeniable.
The Lesson: With so many obstacles, including discrimination on
every level, financial problems because of Tony’s lack of citizenship, his
mother’s disownment, the negative news coverage (print and broadcast)
covering their case, and the challenges faced by any couple trying to keep
their love alive over the years, Richard and Tony demonstrated that love
is love regardless of sex, race, or nationality.
Love Language: Did you face any prejudice with your current or
previous romantic relationship? Where did most of the opposition come
from—friends, family, strangers, or officials? How did you handle the
prejudice, and would you respond similarly if confronted with the same
situation today?
247
LOVE LESSON 200: EVERYBODY NEEDS A COPILOT (BUT NOT NECESSARILY FOR
THE ENTIRE FLIGHT).
Up in the Air (2009)
Director: Jason Reitman
Stars: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga
Ryan Bingham (Clooney) earns a living by flying around the country fir-
ing people for companies unwilling to do it themselves. He has reduced
the firing process—along with packing, unpacking, hotel check-in, and
flying from city to city—to nearly an exact science that’s observable,
measurable, testable, repeatable, and predictable, though new technology
threatens his old way of doing business. He also works as a freelance
motivational speaker urging attendees to empty their metaphorical
backpacks containing relationships (which he considers “the heaviest
components in life”) and weighty material possessions.
Ryan endorses a carefree lifestyle in which constant movement pro-
duces a satisfying life. His casual attitude toward love and sex goes along
with this philosophy of life. However, his all-fun-and-no-commitment
style faces a challenge when he meets Alex (Farmiga), a beautiful traveler
who seems to be a female version of him. When he takes Alex to his
niece’s wedding, he is confronted by his own demons as the groom gets
cold feet and Ryan must convince him to go forward with the wedding.
Having emptied his own backpack of all romantic notions about love and
marriage, Ryan needs to make a case for the opposite belief in his duty
to his family. This internal struggle manifested in his external pep talk to
the groom (along with technological changes at the office) may—or may
not—bring about a change in Ryan’s life choices.
The Lesson: Taking on a copilot or flying solo should be conscious
decisions rather than unconscious cruising on autopilot. What society,
family, and friends believe will make you happy is often at odds with
your own personal truth. Relationship needs differ from individual to
individual and often fluctuate throughout our lives, and ideally personal
insecurities, peer pressure, and biological clocks have no relevance in our
decisions to choose (or not choose) romantic partners for life.
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Love Language: How did you feel during the times of your life when
you were flying solo (i.e., romantically unattached)? Discuss with your
partner in what ways you were stronger and weaker on your own com-
pared to how you are within the relationship.
249
CONCLUSION
Although every romance should be special and unique, you can

still take your inspiration from the magic of motion pictures. Here’s why.
Professional screenwriters craft beautifully poignant prose for actors to
speak. Talented stylists and makeup artists produce dramatically improved
versions of even average-looking actors. Clever cinematographers and
directors shoot from flattering angles, using just enough fog, light, color,
filters, and postproduction tricks to enhance any image. Filmmakers add
flashbacks and dream sequences to help us identify, understand, and sym-
pathize with characters’ individual struggles, thus making them also more
attractive to us emotionally. Actors channel real feelings from past relation-
ships when dramatizing fictional ones in front of the camera.
Because professional artists and craftspeople transform everyday char-
acters and situations into the extraordinary, we can escape from the boys and
girls next door and enter new sexual territory we might not otherwise get to
explore. We may open our hearts enough to cheer for the underdog and boo
the jealous ex-boyfriend or scheming ex-girlfriend who threaten a charac-
ter’s newfound happiness. Most importantly, we have the potential to learn
valuable love lessons from the struggles of our on-screen heroes. Let them
(not us) sweat out the awkward silences, endure the inappropriate gropes,
suffer the embarrassment of blasphemous blurts, and wallow in rejection.
We can learn from their triumphs . . . and mistakes. Fictitious char-
acters are based on real-life feelings (and often experiences) of screen-
writers, directors, and actors. That means a less-than-spectacular movie
can still provide terrific insights into matters of the heart. Use these 200
Love Lessons as examples of the hidden treasures you can find inside
those seemingly mindless rom-coms and gross-out comedies at your local
movie theater. Watch. Learn. Love.
251
FILMOGRAPHY
Films and their love lessons appear below.
21 Jump Street (2012)

• Your past does not define your future. (Chapter Four, p. 64)
27 Dresses (2008)
• It’s better to say no than resent saying yes. (Chapter Twelve, p. 233)
The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
• Respect and fear aren’t the same thing. (Chapter Eleven, p. 202)
50 First Dates (2004)
• Make your first date memorable. (Chapter One, p. 8)
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
• Live casually, speak carefully. (Chapter Nine, p. 161)
• Make even expected gifts surprising. (Chapter Three, p. 41)
• Limit romantic encounters to one family member. (Chapter
Seven, p. 131)
• If you broke it, lost it, or damaged it, then replace it. (Chapter
Three, p. 53)
• Marriage comes with a promise not a guarantee. (Chapter Twelve,
p. 235)
America’s Sweethearts (2001)
• Refuse to live in anyone’s shadow. (Chapter Six, p. 113)
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Filmography
Anger Management (2003)

• You need to release all your anger before you can release all your
love. (Chapter Eight, p. 145)
Annie Hall (1977)
• Give a gift that is right for the recipient, not right for you. (Chapter
Three, p. 47)
The Art of Getting By (2011)
• Getting by in life isn’t enough. (Chapter Ten, p. 189)
Aspie Seeks Love (2015)
• You have to know yourself before you can know true love. (Chapter
Two, p. 31)
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
• We all need someone who will tolerate our own brand of crazy.
(Chapter Eight, p. 158)
Blades of Glory (2007)
• Don’t take dating advice from those who don’t have your best
interests at heart. (Chapter Six, p. 114)
The Boyfriend School (Don’t Tell Her It’s Me) (1990)
• Well-intended advice isn’t always good advice. (Chapter Two, p. 24)
Boyhood (2014)
• Avoid overcorrecting for past mistakes. (Chapter Nine, p. 163)
Bride Wars (2009)
• It’s more important to save the friendship than to save the date.
(Chapter Twelve, p. 238)
Bridesmaids (2011)
• The same thinking that got you into a situation can’t get you out
of it. (Chapter Twelve, p. 232)
Bright Star (2009)
• Offer your lover something no one else can. (Chapter Ten, p. 179)
Brothers (2009)
• Stay true to yourself despite the circumstances. (Chapter Six, p. 109)
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Filmography

• The law of attraction works on the Internet, too. (Chapter Two,
p. 33)
• It’s pointless to search for happiness outside yourself. (Chapter
Ten, p. 193)
Catfish (2010)
• Graciously accept the gift of your love lesson. (Chapter Two, p. 32)
Celebrity (1998)
• Find a partner worth celebrating. (Chapter Nine, p. 175)
City of Angels (1998)
• Truth does not require your belief in it to be true. (Chapter Five,
p. 96)
Coming to America (1988)
• You have to look beneath the surface if you want to find depth.
(Chapter One, p. 6)
• Say what you mean and mean what you say. (Chapter One, p. 15)
• Watch for the ripple effects of your actions. (Chapter Two, p. 25)
• Recognize the difference between what you want and what you
need. (Chapter Two, p. 23)
• An unexpected and/or undeserved gift gets noticed. (Chapter
Three, p. 50)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
• If the gift comes with conditions, make those conditions clear to
the recipient. (Chapter Three, p. 59)
Cyrus (2010)
• Solve your problems or you’ll attract more problems. (Chapter
Eight, p. 152)
• Honor your instincts. (Chapter One, p. 14)
• Sometimes you need to take your own advice. (Chapter Six, p. 101)
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Filmography
Date Movie (2006)

• There’s always someone younger and better looking. (Chapter
Seven, p. 126)
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003)
• Look for a gift with symbolic meaning. (Chapter Three, p. 46)
Don Jon (2013)
• The journey of romantic love means traveling from objectification
to intimacy. (Chapter Eleven, p. 222)
Don Juan DeMarco (1994)
• The spirit consists of love. (Chapter Eleven, p. 220)
• Dating by numbers doesn’t work. (Chapter Four, p. 76)
• Remember that eating chocolate also releases pleasure chemicals
in the brain. (Chapter Eleven, p. 213)
The Drop (2014)
• Practice feeling love even before you find it. (Chapter Two, p. 37)
Easy A (2010)
• The way you treat people is who they become. (Chapter Eleven,
p. 203)
Eat, Pray, Love (2010)
• Accept everyone along your journey as a teacher. (Chapter Nine,
p. 174)
Ed Wood (1994)
• What you resist will persist. (Chapter Five, p. 82)
• Sometimes a breakup is more of a breakaway. (Chapter Nine,
p. 171)
Emma (1996)
• Accept what is, rather than forcing what you think should be.
(Chapter Two, p. 21)
Enough Said (2013)
• Someone else’s opinion doesn’t have to be yours. (Chapter Seven,
p. 132)
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Filmography

• Without self-awareness, we will keep falling in love with the same
person (or same type of person). (Chapter Two, p. 29)
• Talking isn’t necessarily communicating. (Chapter Nine, p. 167)
Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998)
• Secrets rarely remain secret for long. (Chapter Six, p. 116)
• People resent being manipulated, even when it’s for their own
good. (Chapter Two, p. 27)
• Don’t become comfortable with dysfunction. (Chapter Five, p. 90)
Far from the Madding Crowd (2015)
• Don’t confuse stubbornness with independence. (Chapter Ten,
p. 180)
Feeling Minnesota (1996)
• Pay attention to what makes you happy. (Chapter Six, p. 111)
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
• Don’t call anyone stupid. (Chapter Seven, p. 137)
The Five-Year Engagement (2012)
• Life gets in the way of plans. (Chapter Twelve, p. 230)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
• Carry on living your life. (Chapter Seven, p. 127)
Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
• Committing to bachelorhood is still making a commitment.
Frances Ha (2012)
• Keep getting up when you fall down. (Chapter Eight, p. 142)
French Kiss (1995)
• Practice displaying grace under pressure. (Chapter One, p. 17)
The Future (2011)
• Panic doesn’t justify an affair. (Chapter Ten, p. 185)
Get Him to the Greek (2010)
• Work on getting healthy, not getting even. (Chapter Eleven, p. 217)
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Filmography
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)

• Pain beats regret. (Chapter Seven, p. 124)
• One man’s blessing is another man’s curse. (Chapter Eleven, p. 218)
• People believe what they want to believe. (Chapter Twelve, p. 237)
Grand Canyon (1991)
• Don’t make assumptions about other people’s motives. (Chapter
Four, p. 70)
• Sweet young things don’t stay sweet when you break their hearts.
(Chapter Ten, p. 186)
Greenberg (2010)
• The world is your perception of it. (Chapter Eight, p. 143)
Groundhog Day (1993)
• Life takes practice to get it right. (Chapter Nine, p. 170)
Hairspray (2007)
• Harmonize your body, mind, and spirit. (Chapter Five, p. 86)
The Hangover (2009)
• If lying is easier than telling the truth, there’s something wrong
with the relationship. (Chapter Nine, p. 172)
• The truth comes out when inhibitions are lowered. (Chapter
Eleven, p. 205)
Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
• Life was meant to be enjoyed, not understood. (Chapter Ten,
p. 198)
Harold and Maude (1971)
• Go to places you enjoy for meeting like-minded people. (Chapter
One, p. 7)
The Heartbreak Kid (2007)
• You can’t hurry love. (Chapter Twelve, p. 236)
Her (2013)
• Don’t let your need for romantic connection lead to a disconnect
from everything else. (Chapter Four, p. 71)
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Filmography
Hitch (2005)
• Strive to always be the best version of yourself. (Chapter Two, p. 26)
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
• Trust that the perfect time is now. (Chapter Seven, p. 134)
The House Bunny (2008)
• Learn to use more than your appearance to attract romantic part-
ners. (Chapter Five, p. 89)
• The real you will always emerge. (Chapter Four, p. 77)
• There’s always couples therapy. (Chapter Nine, p. 165)
• Love is real; fear is an illusion. (Chapter Five, p. 94)
• Sometimes the magic lasts a lifetime. (Chapter Seven, p. 125)
Jeff, Who Lives at Home (2011)
• Synchronicities in your life serve as guideposts for a new direction.
(Chapter Six, p. 103)
Jungle Fever (1991)
• Curiosity and attraction don’t equal love. (Chapter Ten, p. 197)
Just Friends (2005)
• Seeking revenge is never attractive (Chapter Five, p. 88)
Knocked Up (2007)
• Gifts from the universe may come in unexpected packaging.
(Chapter Four, p. 75)
• One-night stands can turn into eighteen-year commitments.
(Chapter Eleven, p. 215)
Kung Fu Hustle (2005)
• Refusing a gift hurts the giver and receiver. (Chapter Three, p. 58)
L.A. Story (1991)
• Learn to recognize the moment love begins. (Chapter Nine, p. 169)
Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
• There’s no substitute for real love. (Chapter Eight, p. 156)
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Filmography
Last Chance Harvey (2008)

• It’s never too late for love. (Chapter One, p. 3)
• A gift’s true value has little to do with cost. (Chapter Three, p. 60)
• The one you’re looking for is you. (Chapter Ten, p. 196)
Laws of Attraction (2004)
• Don’t drink and wed. (Chapter Twelve, p. 245)
Legends of the Fall (1995)
• Make sure your romantic relationship is solid before introducing
your partner to your family. (Chapter Six, p. 107)
Let Me In (2010)
• A love triangle soon becomes a couple. (Chapter Ten, p. 183)
License to Wed (2007)
• Sometimes you know more than the marriage counselors do.
Limited Partnership (2014)
• Love is love, with or without a marriage license. (Chapter Twelve,
p. 246)
The Little Death (2014)
• Underneath the lust, addictions, and fetishes, it’s all about emo-
tional connection. (Chapter Eleven, p. 227)
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Two
Towers (2002), The Return of the King (2003)
• There’s more to romantic gift-giving than just a ring. (Chapter
Three, p. 48)
• Don’t give the right gift to the wrong person. (Chapter Three, p. 43)
• Physical intimacy without emotional intimacy is merely playing a
role. (Chapter Eleven, p. 223)
Love & Mercy (2015)
• Share your personal passions with your partner. (Chapter Four, p. 78)
• Focus on good vibrations and excitations. (Chapter Eight, p. 154)
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Filmography
Made of Honor (2008)

• Ratings, rules, and requirements don’t matter when you’re in love.
(Chapter Ten, p. 188)
Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
• The heart wants what the heart wants. (Chapter Eight, p. 157)
• Words may deceive, but facial expressions don’t lie. (Chapter
Three, p. 56)
• Past relationships met needs of the past. (Chapter Seven, p. 129)
Message in a Bottle (1999)
• Don’t get attached to the gift’s outcome. (Chapter Three, p. 42)
Midnight in Paris (2011)
• All you have for sure is this moment. (Chapter Twelve, p. 242)
Moonstruck (1987)
• Don’t let magical thinking influence your love life. (Chapter Six,
p. 102)
Much Ado About Nothing (2012)
• There’s a fine line between attraction and repulsion. (Chapter Nine,
p. 176)
Mr. Turner (2014)
• Find someone who treats you like a priority. (Chapter Eleven,
p. 207)
Mr. Woodcock (2007)
• Let go of thoughts that don’t serve you. (Chapter Eight, p. 146)
• The good energy you give out comes back to you multiplied.
(Chapter Six, p. 112)
• You can’t hide from who you are. (Chapter Seven, p. 130)
Must Love Dogs (2005)
• Be very clear about what you want in a mate. (Chapter Two, p. 36)
My Best Friend’s Girl (2008)
• Make yourself easy to love. (Chapter Two, p. 28)
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Filmography
My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)

• Learn to recognize love before you lose it. (Chapter Ten, p. 187)
• True love may not look anything like you do. (Chapter Five, p. 98)
• There’s no set age for finding love. (Chapter Twelve, p. 244)
My Date With Drew (2004)
• Explore every reasonable possibility to get the date you want.
(Chapter Four, p. 63)
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
• Always believe you are worthy of love. (Chapter Two, p. 34)
Never Let Me Go (2010)
• Friends don’t have to share everything. (Chapter Ten, p. 181)
New in Town (2009)
• Ask for help when out of your element. (Chapter Four, p. 73)
Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist (2008)
• Spontaneous experiences can be the most exciting. (Chapter Four,
p. 65)
• Some storms come without warning. (Chapter Four, p. 68)
• You may not recognize transformative love at first glance.
(Chapter Five, p. 81)
The Notebook (2004)
• Don’t hold on to anger. (Chapter Nine, p. 164)
Notting Hill (1999)
• How people treat others is how eventually they will treat you.
(Chapter One, p. 9)
• Ask and the universe provides. (Chapter Three, p. 51)
Out of Sight (1998)
• Life is a collection of special moments. (Chapter Ten, p. 192)
Paper Towns (2015)
• Find comfort in uncertainty. (Chapter Four, p. 66)
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Filmography
• Separate the romantic myth from the romantic reality. (Chapter

Five, p. 84)
Pretty Woman (1990)
• Believe in the good stuff. (Chapter Eleven, p. 219)
The Princess Bride (1987)
• People in masks cannot be trusted. (Chapter Five, p. 83)
Prizzi’s Honor (1985)
• Jealous and reactive ex-lovers who stay jealous and reactive need to
stay ex-lovers. (Chapter Seven, p. 123)
The Proposal (2009)
• Unhealed wounds from the past cause hurtful behavior in the
present. (Chapter Eight, p. 150)
Rocky (1976)
• Give a pet only to an established animal lover. (Chapter Three,
p. 57)
Romancing the Stone (1984)
• Watch for repeating patterns in life and love. (Chapter One, p. 11)
Roxanne (1987)
• Don’t take rejection personally. (Chapter One, p. 12)
Ruby Sparks (2012)
• Your thoughts create your reality. (Chapter One, p. 4)
The Rum Diary (2011)
• Accept temptation on your own terms. (Chapter Ten, p. 199)
Runaway Bride (1999)
• Hard-to-find gifts make the gesture even more special. (Chapter
Three, p. 45)
Say Anything (1989)
• Make sure you really want to say good-bye when you give a good-
bye gift. (Chapter Three, p. 54)
The Science of Sleep (2006)
• Strive to make your real life better than your dreams. (Chapter
Eight, p. 153)
263
Filmography
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2015)

• Don’t tiptoe around someone’s story. (Chapter Eight, p. 141)
Sense and Sensibility (1995)
• Keep an open mind when it comes to romantic partners. (Chapter
Six, p. 117)
Serendipity (2001)
• Accept what the universe provides. (Chapter One, p. 10)
The Sessions (2012)
• Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t. (Chapter Eleven,
p. 211)
Shallow Hal (2001)
• Whatever you look for is what you will see. (Chapter Five, p. 92)
Shame (2011)
• Opposite dysfunctions are parallel reactions to the same emotional
wound. (Chapter Eleven, p. 225)
She’s Out of My League (2010)
• No one is ordinary. (Chapter Seven, p. 133)
She’s the Man (2006)
• Keep your web untangled. (Chapter Two, p. 20)
Singles (1992)
• Don’t give a gift that rushes intimacy. (Chapter Three, p. 40)
Sixteen Candles (1984)
• Wedding are about more than the bride. (Chapter Twelve, p. 229)
• Life is a mixture of the terrific and the terrible. (Chapter Six, p. 119)
• Seek help to prevent dysfunctional family legacies from passing on
to the next generation. (Chapter Eight, p. 151)
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
• Don’t delay the “meet cute” any longer than necessary. (Chapter
Two, p. 22)
264
Filmography
Something’s Gotta Give (2003)

• Conflict precedes growth. (Chapter Eleven, p. 208)
Stuck on You (2003)
• Embrace the truth about yourself. (Chapter Two, p. 35)
• Don’t try to hide your heritage. (Chapter Six, p. 104)
Sunshine Cleaning (2009)
• You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate. (Chapter
Six, p. 118)
Superbad (2007)
• A chemically altered state of consciousness is not true conscious-
ness. (Chapter Five, p. 85)
There’s Something About Mary (1998)
• Even people with sunny dispositions have a shadow side. (Chapter
Four, p. 72)
The To Do List (2013)
• Quality—not quantity—is what matters in sexual relations.
Trainwreck (2015)
• Your parents’ hurtful legacy need not become yours. (Chapter
Eleven, p. 224)
Troy (2004)
• Love and lust don’t look the same. (Chapter Five, p. 95)
• Be sure the old flame is extinguished before lighting a new one.
(Chapter Seven, p. 136)
True Story (2015)
• Codependency can take many forms. (Chapter Eight, p. 155)
Twilight (2008)
• They call them “bad boys” for a reason. (Chapter Ten, p. 182)
Twins (1988)
• No one is entirely good or bad. (Chapter Six, p. 105)
265
Filmography
Two Weeks Notice (2002)

• Sometimes flirting with the enemy turns them into lovers. (Chap-
ter Ten, p. 190)
Up in the Air (2009)
• Everybody needs a copilot (but not necessarily for the entire
flight). (Chapter Twelve, p. 248)
Vanilla Sky (2001)
• Open your eyes to how you treat others (Chapter Seven, p. 138)
Vanity Fair (2004)
• Set an intention for manifestation. (Chapter Eleven, p. 206)
A Walk to Remember (2002)
• An empty hand is better than a closed fist. (Chapter Five, p. 97)
The Way Way Back (2013)
• There’s no escaping the realities of life. (Chapter Eight, p. 148)
Wedding Crashers (2005)
• Even the best players can’t control the game. (Chapter Twelve,
p. 243)
The Wedding Planner (2001)
• Fine-tune your frequency to a higher level. (Chapter One, p. 2)
The Wedding Singer (1998)
• Don’t let anger obscure the thoughtfulness of a gift. (Chapter
Three, p. 52)
Welcome to Me (2014)
• Make your intentions clear. (Chapter Four, p. 69)
What’s Your Number (2011)
• Take responsibility for your part in every failed relationship.
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
• Strive to be a low-maintenance lover. (Chapter Eleven, p. 212)
While You Were Sleeping (1995)
• Don’t start believing your story. (Chapter Six, p. 108)
266
Filmography
Wild (2014)
• Acknowledge your fear and confront it. (Chapter Eight, p. 149)
Wild Hogs (2007)
• Don’t let fear overpower love. (Chapter One, p. 16)
Wimbledon (2004)
• Your behavior reveals your self-image. (Chapter One, p. 13)
• Watch out for negative self-talk. (Chapter Eight, p. 144)
Witness (1985)
• What you want isn’t always what you need. (Chapter Ten, p. 194)
Woman on Top (2000)
• Buy the steak, not the sizzle. (Chapter Nine, p. 166)
• Don’t let gossip influence your first impression of someone.
(Chapter One, p. 5)
• A disease or disability does not define you. (Chapter Eleven, p. 209)
You Again (2010)
• Bullies were bullied; lovers were loved. (Chapter Twelve, p. 239)
Young Goethe in Love (2010)
• When romance fails, try sublimation. (Chapter Nine, p. 162)
You’ve Got Mail (1988)
• Avoid playing games to hide your feelings. (Chapter Two, p. 30)
Zoolander (2001)
• Speak your truth without fear. (Chapter Five, p. 91)
267
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Chapman, Gary D. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: North-
field Publishing, 2015.
Diamond, Stephen A. “Normalcy, Neurosis and Psychosis: What Is a Mental Disorder?”
Psychology Today, March 11, 2010. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/
201003/normalcy-neurosis-and-psychosis-what-is-mental-disorder.
Dyer, Wayne W. “Success Secrets.” Wayne’s Blog, October 15, 2009. www.drwaynedyer
.com/blog/success-secrets.
Finkel, Michael. True Story: Murder, Memoir, and Mea Culpa. New York: Harper Peren-
nial, 2015.
Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.
New York: Bantam Books, 1989.
Griffin, Lynne. “The Secret Powers of Middle Children.” Psychology Today, October 18,
2012. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/field-guide-families/201210/the-secret
-powers-middle-children.
Ishiguro, Kazuo. Never Let Me Go. New York: Vintage Books, 2006.
Jung, Carl G. Modern Man in Search of a Soul. Translated by W. S. Dell and Cary F.
Baynes. New York: Harcourt Brace, 1955.
Katie, Byron. A Friendly Universe: Sayings to Inspire and Challenge You. New York:
Tarcher, 2013.
Lehane, Dennis. The Drop. New York: William Morrow, 2014.
Perkins, David, ed. English Romantic Writers. New York: Harcourt Brace, 1995.
Peter, Laurence J. Peter’s Quotations: Ideas for Our Time. New York: William Morrow, 1992.
Ricotti, Sonia. Unsinkable: How to Bounce Back Quickly When Life Knocks You Down.
Wayne, NJ: Career Press, 2015.
Rothman, Michael. “Sarah McLachlan Reveals Who Inspired Her Iconic Song ‘Angel.’”
ABC News, July 29, 2014. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/sarah
-mclachlan-reveals-inspired-iconic-song-angel/story?id=24758400.
Ruiz, Don Miguel. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. San
Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 1997.
Strayed, Cheryl. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. New York: Vintage
Books, 2013.
Wonder, Stevie. “Jungle Fever Lyrics.” www.metrolyrics.com/jungle-fever-lyrics-stevie
-wonder.html.
269
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Entertainment industry expert Leslie C. Halpern wrote the nonfiction

books Passionate about Their Work: 151 Celebrities, Artists, and Experts on
Creativity (2010), Reel Romance: The Lovers’ Guide to the 100 Best Date
Movies (2004), and Dreams on Film (2003). More than four thousand
of her reviews, articles, essays, and poems have appeared in hundreds of
print and online publications, including The Hollywood Reporter, Daily
Variety, Orlando Sentinel, Markee magazine, True Romance, Fitness, Sto-
rytelling magazine, Blue Ink Review, Indie Reader, Salt Lake Tribune,
and South Florida Sun-Sentinel. Leslie earned a master of liberal studies
degree from Rollins College and a BA in journalism from the Uni-
versity of Kentucky, and has won numerous awards for her writing, in
addition to authoring the “Funny Children’s Poems” book series. Visit
her website: www.lesliehalpern.com.
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TAYLOR TRADE PUBLISHING

Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK

Copyright © 2016 Leslie C. Halpern

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Halpern, Leslie, 1960- author.

Chapter One: Meeting Cute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Many thanks to my literary agent, Linda Konner, for her sup-

WHY YOU NEED THIS BOOK

and passionate consummation lead us to a sad state of affairs: permanent

THE INSPIRATION FOR 200 LOVE LESSONS FROM THE MOVIES

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

To limit my selection of Love Lessons to two hundred, I had to

A FEW WORDS OF CAUTION

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT THE BOOK

(www.imdb.com), from production notes provided to me by movie studio

The obligatory “meet cute” scene in a romantic comedy can be

LOVE LESSON 1: FINE-TUNE YOUR FREQUENCY TO A HIGHER LEVEL.

Career-oriented, obsessive-compulsive Mary (Lopez) doesn’t feel any-

energy, or somewhere in between. Couples with comparable frequencies

LOVE LESSON 2: IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR LOVE.

LOVE LESSON 3: YOUR THOUGHTS CREATE YOUR REALITY.

can recognize them when they appear. Be warned: Thoughts becoming

LOVE LESSON 4: DON’T LET GOSSIP INFLUENCE YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION

The teacher’s lounge at Croyden Prep School is buzzing with rumors

rumors, her unfortunate nickname, and her handicap, he finds exactly

The highly eligible Prince Akeem of Zamunda (Murphy) travels to

LOVE LESSON 6: GO TO PLACES YOU ENJOY FOR MEETING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE.

Death-obsessed Harold (Cort) is a 19-year-old rich boy who has every

LOVE LESSON 7: MAKE YOUR FIRST DATE MEMORABLE.

Henry (Sandler), a marine biologist and confirmed womanizer, loves

LOVE LESSON 9: ACCEPT WHAT THE UNIVERSE PROVIDES.

Jonathan (Cusack) and Sara (Beckinsale) accidentally meet when both

Joan (Turner), a romance novelist, must travel to the jungles of South

LOVE LESSON 11: DON’T TAKE REJECTION PERSONALLY.

In this updated version of Cyrano de Bergerac, C.D. (Martin), a big-nosed

LOVE LESSON 12: YOUR BEHAVIOR REVEALS YOUR SELF-IMAGE.

LOVE LESSON 13: HONOR YOUR INSTINCTS.

In Dan in Real Life, a lonely widower (Carell) browsing through a

BUENA VISTA/PHOTOFEST, PHOTOGRAPHER: MERIE W. WALLACE

Jacob (Gosling) routinely cruises bars looking for one-night stands.

LOVE LESSON 15: DON’T LET FEAR OVERPOWER LOVE.

LOVE LESSON 16: PRACTICE DISPLAYING GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.

Perhaps your career keeps you extremely busy, your intro­

LOVE LESSON 17: KEEP YOUR WEB UNTANGLED.

In this modern adaptation of William Shakespeare’s comedy Twelfth

The Lesson: A quote by author Sonia Ricotti comes to mind here:

Eight-year-old Jonah (Malinger) and his widower father, Sam Baldwin

LOVE LESSON 21: WELL-INTENTIONED ADVICE ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD ADVICE.

It’s not just women engaging in dangerous deception when it comes

In Crazy, Stupid, Love., middle-aged Cal (Carell), separated from his

LOVE LESSON 23: STRIVE TO ALWAYS BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.

time to get real. As Albert’s romantic relationship progresses with a mix-

Paula (Parker) works as a professional interventionist. Hired by desperate

LOVE LESSON 25: MAKE YOURSELF EASY TO LOVE.

the arms of their previous boyfriends. Having perfected these skills by

LOVE LESSON 26: WITHOUT SELF-AWARENESS, WE WILL KEEP FALLING IN LOVE

In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a man (Carrey) hires a doctor

LOVE LESSON 27: AVOID PLAYING GAMES TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS.

For twenty years, Pittsburgh resident David Matthews plastered flyers

This documentary explores an online relationship New York photogra-

painting through the mail, 24-year-old Nev begins a friendly telephone

Perhaps your career keeps you extremely busy, your intro