Internet Chat Room Participati

Copyright
by
Allen Britton Thomas
2002
The Dissertation Committee for Allen Britton Thomas
Certifies that this is the approved version of the following dissertation:
Internet Chat Room Participation and the Coming-Out

Experiences of Young Gay Men: A Qualitative Study
Committee:
Nell Gottlieb, Co-Supervisor
Michael Ross, Co-Supervisor
Pat Goodson
Fred Peterson
Mary Steinhardt
Pat Stout
by
Allen Britton Thomas, B.S., M.S., M.Ed.
Dissertation
Presented to the Faculty of the Graduate School of
The University of Texas at Austin
in Partial Fulfillment
of the Requirements
for the Degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
The University of Texas at Austin

May, 2002
UMI Number: 3086714
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Dedication
To my partner Gary, for all your love and support

Acknowledgements
Anyone who has embarked on the journey of “the dissertation” realizes that it is
not a solo process, even though for me it often felt that way. I’m truly blessed to
have family and friends that encouraged and supported me every step of the way.
I’m grateful to my mother and father, Jeanne and Larry Thomas, my sister and
bother-in-law, Angela and Dennis Alley, my brother and sister-in-law, Aaron and
Stephanie Thomas, who have always encouraged me to follow my dreams. My
partner Gary French walked beside me and provided me with love and support,
which gave me strength beyond what my words can express. Special thanks and
my tremendous gratitude to my analysis team, Dr. Karol Kaye Harris, Dr. Mary
Drabbs, Dr. Nell Gottlieb, and Dr. Michele Murphy-Smith for their many hours of
reading, analysis, tireless dedication, creative insight, and support. I thank the
men that shared their life stories for this project. I appreciate all the time and
effort that my committee and faculty members have contributed to my learning
over the years and their contributions and support of my dissertation study; Dr.
Nell Gottlieb, Dr. Michael Ross, Dr. Elizabeth Edumundson-Drane, Dr. Pat Stout,
Dr. Mary Steinhardt, Dr. Fred Peterson, and Dr. Pat Goodson.
v
Publication No._____________
Allen Britton Thomas, Ph.D.
The University of Texas at Austin, 2002
Supervisors: Nell Gottlieb and Michael Ross
This descriptive study examines the experiences of young gay men who
participated in Internet chat rooms as they were coming-out. Self-identified gay
men, between the ages of 18 and 26, who lived in the area of Tampa, Florida,
were interviewed. Thirteen men comprised the study sample: nine Euro-
Americans, two Hispanic-Americans, and two African-Americans. The study
explored the coming-out process by capturing the positive and negative turning
point moments associated with their chat room participation which highlighted
both the benefits and concerns related to their online activities. The illumination
of turning point moments, associated with chat room participation, is viewed to
alter the men's developmental trajectories. The men’s experiences may also mirror
the experiences of other questioning and gay youth and provide valuable insight
to those stakeholders who aim to support gay youth. The global construct that
vi
emerged from the data was "Searching for Acceptance for Who I Am” which
captures these men's experiences, motivations, and expectations for participating
in chat rooms. Themes within this construct are I'm Gay and Life Will Be OK,
Finding a Tribe, Living a Double Life, and Learning About Myself and Gay Men
in My Search for Love. Study findings suggest that the “gay chat room” is an
important social context in the lives of gay youth with regard to sexual identity
development. Participation was important to self-labeling, for reducing their
anxieties about gay life, for receiving social support, entering into their local gay
communities, and searching for sexual and romantic partners. Issues of concern
related to the stress associated with participation in an offline gay life that was
managed via the chat room while hiding their gay lives from family members,
being inadvertently discovered by a parent as a result of their on- and off-line gay
lives, difficulties with on- and off-line rejection in their search for romantic
relationships, and feelings of being sexually taken advantage of by men that they
met from chat rooms. Implications for health promotion and education are
presented and suggestions for future research are discussed.
vii
Table of Contents
List of Tables.......................................................................................................... xi
List of Figures .......................................................................................................xii
Chapter 1 Introduction ........................................................................................... 1

Background and Significance ........................................................................ 2
Purpose .......................................................................................................... 5
Sensitizing Framework .................................................................................. 6
Research Question ......................................................................................... 7
Underlying Assumptions ............................................................................... 8
Limitations .................................................................................................. 10
Delimitations ............................................................................................... 11
Definition of Terms ..................................................................................... 12
Chapter 2 Review of the Literature ...................................................................... 18

Coming-Out is a Developmental Process of Self-Discovery ....................... 18
Stage Models of Coming-Out ............................................................ 19
Cass Model (1979) ..................................................................... 22
Coleman Model (1981-82) ......................................................... 27
Troiden Model (1988) ................................................................ 29
"Continuities" Methodology......................................................................... 33
Alternatives to Stage Models to Understand the Coming-Out Process ....... 37
Notes on the Current Study .......................................................................... 42
Chapter 3 Methods ............................................................................................... 44

Interpretive Interactionism ........................................................................... 44
Participants ................................................................................................... 46
Selection Criteria ................................................................................ 46
Recruitment Procedure ....................................................................... 46
viii
Chat Room Recruitment............................................................. 47
Data Collection Procedure ................................................................. 48
Characteristics of Participants ............................................................ 49
Socio-demographic Survey ....................................................... 50
Participant Characteristics ......................................................... 50
Milestone Timeline ............................................................................ 51
Data Analysis ..................................................................................... 52
Bracketing ................................................................................. 53
Coding ....................................................................................... 53
Construction .............................................................................. 54
Contextualization ...................................................................... 55
Trustworthiness and Rigor ................................................................. 56
Chapter 4 Interpretation of Data........................................................................... 58

Overview ...................................................................................................... 58
When did the chat room enter into the coming-out process? ....................... 60
Global Construct: Searching For Acceptance For Who I Am...................... 72
Theme 1: I'm Gay and Life Will Be OK ............................................ 74
Theme 2: Finding A Tribe .................................................................. 82
Theme 3: Living A Double Life ......................................................... 91
Theme 4: Learning About Myself and Gay Men in the Search for
Love .................................................................................................. 102
Summary .................................................................................................... 117
Chapter 5 Contextualization............................................................................... 123

Introduction ................................................................................................ 123
Social Context ............................................................................................ 123
Uniqueness of Chat Room Context ............................................................ 127
I'm Gay and Life Will Be OK .................................................................... 129
Future Research Direction Related to Early Chat Room
Participation ...................................................................................... 134
ix
Finding A Tribe.......................................................................................... 134
Future Research Direction Related to Online Support...................... 141
Living A Double Life ................................................................................. 141
Future Research Direction Related to Self-Disclosure...................... 148
Learning About Myself and Gay Men in the Search for Love................... 149
Future Research Direction Related to Romantic Relationships and
Rejection............................................................................................ 169
Implications For Practice ........................................................................... 170
Summary and Conclusions......................................................................... 177
Appendix A Paper Presented at The British Psychological Society Centenary

Annual Conference, March of 2001, in Glasgow Scotland entitled, “How
Gay Men Are Using Internet Chat Rooms” ............................................... 181
Appendix B Recruitment Flyer .......................................................................... 201
Appendix C Pictorial Representation of Typical Chat Room (Gay.com).......... 203
Appendix D Study Recruitment Website ........................................................... 205
Appendix E Informed Consent........................................................................... 209
Appendix F Socio-demographic Survey ............................................................ 212
Appendix G Interview Schedule ........................................................................ 221
Appendix H Tables with Socio-demographic Survey Findings......................... 223
Appendix I Sample of Level One Coding .......................................................... 227
Appendix J Gay Youth Online Resource List .................................................... 229
References ........................................................................................................... 237
Vita .................................................................................................................... 250
x
List of Tables
Table 2.1: Mean age of developmental milestones in other studies (Savin-
Williams, 1998) ................................................................................ 35
Table 3.1: Demographic characteristics of study participants........................... 51
Table 4.1: Age of experience of coming-out milestones, highlighting chat
room participation ............................................................................ 65
Table 4.2: Reverse chronological timeline of coming-out milestones,
highlighting chat room participation ................................................ 67
xi
List of Figures
Figure 2.1: Model of lesbian-gay-bisexual development (D'Augelli, 1994,
cited in Rivers, 1997) ....................................................................... 38
Figure 4.1: Relationship between when participants “felt sure” they were gay
and chat room participation.............................................................. 62
Figure 4.2: Relationship between when participants experienced oral sex for
the first time and chat room participation ........................................ 63
Figure 4.3: Relationship between when participants self-disclosed and chat
room participation ............................................................................ 64
Figure 5.1: Heuristic diagram of chat room experiences related to theme 1 .... 131
Figure 5.2: A process model of identity marginalization (McKenna & Bargh,
1998)............................................................................................... 132
Figure 5.5: Implications of rejection sensitivity for adolescent romantic
relationships (Downey, Bonica, & Rincon, 1999, p. 150) ............. 158
xii
Chapter 1: Introduction
A qualitative study design was used to explore the experiences of young
gay men, between 18 and 26 years of age, who participated in Internet chat rooms
as a way to “come-out.” For the purposes of this study, the term “come-out” is
used to denote the process by which individuals begin to recognize that they have
romantic or sexual feelings toward members of their own gender, they adopt a gay
identity, and they then share these identities with others (Rust, 1996). The
accessibility and anonymity of the Internet greatly reduces the psychological and
social barriers faced by many questioning and gay youth in their search for
information and for personal contact with other gay people. Through chat rooms
gay youth are able to transcend their social contexts to anonymously interact with
other gay people in order to gain affirmation of same-sex feelings and desires,
explore their sexuality, ask questions, make on- and off-line friendships, and find
sexual and romantic partners. Thus, chat rooms may serve as an important social
context in the coming-out process (Thomas, 2001). Without doubt, gay youth are
turning to the Internet as they are coming-out (Egan, 2000), yet little research has
been directed towards understanding this phenomenon, particularly regarding how
participation in chat rooms might facilitate the coming-out process. Equally
important, there has been little attention to exploring the problematic issues that
may arise from participation in such virtual environments.
Utilizing Denzin’s (1989) qualitative method of interpretive
interactionism, this study interprets the life stories of thirteen young gay men who
1
participated in Internet chat rooms as they came-out. Interpretive interactionism
allows the researcher to examine the “…relationship between personal troubles
and the public policies and public institutions that have been created to address
those personal problems” (Denzin, 1989). Thus, the personal troubles that young
gay people experience are conceptualized as those surrounding labeling oneself as
gay and living with a stigmatized sexual identity. The public policies and
institutions are those that aim to support the needs of gay youth. Hence, a
qualitative approach was taken to better understand how young gay men
experience coming-out through participation in chat rooms.
BACKGROUND AND SIGNIFICANCE
The significance of Internet use in the lives of gay youth as they come-out
was reflected in an online survey of 1,960 lesbian, gay, bisexual and questioning
youth, aged twenty-five and under, in which 51% indicated that they came-out
online before they did in-real-life (OutProud, 1997). Additionally, 68% indicated
that being online helped them to accept their sexual orientation. Indeed, the
Internet affords many gay youth access to a variety of organizational, commercial,
and personal websites that post information to support the coming-out process.
Descriptive findings such as these do indicate the importance of the Internet in the
lives of gay youth, but lack a description of the specific online experiences that
support gay identity development or any problematic experiences resulting from
chat room participation. Recent criticisms describe chat rooms as a space that
promotes online sexual addiction in gay youth (Bergling, 2000), as well as a
2
context that places adolescents at increased risk of manipulation by sexual
predators (Cate, 1996). However, at the time of this study there were no statistics
available on the prevalence of online sexual addiction or coercion. The anecdotal
evidence highlights the need for researchers to investigate the experiences of gay
youth, who may be emotionally vulnerable as they are coming to terms with their
new sexual identities, and to explore the potential for related problems with online
activities.
No studies have specifically investigated the role of the Internet or chat
room participation in the lives of gay people as they come-out. Recent studies
have investigated the role of the chat room in the solicitation of offline sex
partners for men who have sex with men. However, they primarily focused on the
role of chat rooms in the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (Klausner,
Wolf, Fischer-Ponce, Zolt, & Katz, 2000; McFarlane, Bull, & Rietmeijer, 2000;
Ross, Tikkanen, & Månsson, 2000; Tikkanen & Ross, 2000). The studies do
support the importance of chat rooms in the socio-sexual context of the lives of
gay men and indicate that they may also be an important avenue through which
young gay men who are coming-out can find offline partners to explore their
sexuality.
A recent qualitative study explored the chat room experiences of gay men
(N=20) who used the chat room to find offline sex partners. The researcher found
that almost half of the men had used chat rooms as a way to come-out (Thomas,
3
2001). The chat room provided these men a means to locate and anonymously
interact with other gay men where they gained self-affirmation for their same-sex
feelings, explored their sexual curiosities, and asked questions about the gay
lifestyle with more experienced gay men. The men also used the chat room to
make online friends who facilitated their entry into the offline gay community, to
find offline sexual partners, and to continue to search for romantic relationships.
However, this particular study focused on the offline sexual behaviors of gay men
who had first met their partners in chat rooms and did not intend to address the
coming-out experiences of the participants. Thus, it did not fully investigate the
meanings and experiences associated with their coming-out and chat room
participation. However, this study was the basis for refinement of the research
questions used for this dissertation project. The study described previously was
presented as a paper at The British Psychological Society Centenary Annual
Conference, March of 2001, in Glasgow Scotland. It is presented in Appendix A.
From a developmental perspective, the chat room may provide an
important social context in which questioning and gay youth can reach out and
connect with other gay men, both on- and off-line. However, it is precisely the
combination of youth, inexperience, and the potential risks associated with chat
room participation that concern stakeholders about gay youth’s Internet coming-
out experience. Thus, this study aims to provide an important glimpse into the
participant’s lives in order to interpret both the positive and negative coming-out
4
experiences of young gay men who participate in the socio-sexual context of chat
rooms.
While not the first study to investigate the role of the Internet in the lives
of gay individuals (Correll, 1995; Shaw, 1997), this study is one of the first to
explore the experiences of gay youth who come-out online. Findings from this
study will serve as a intellectual seeds for future research on gay and lesbian
Internet use while, it will at the same time, expand the way researchers view the
coming-out process for youth in general.
PURPOSE
The purpose of this study was to explore the coming-out experiences of
young gay men who participated in gay chat rooms and the meanings they
attributed to those experiences. The men’s stories illuminated the importance of
online experiences and their influence on the individual’s coming-out process. In
addition, those problematic or negative experiences associated with their online
activities were clarified. Thus, the illumination of both positive and negative
experiences provides valuable insight to those stakeholders who aim to support
gay youth. The findings from this study may inform the expansion of existing
services and the development of more appropriate and timely support systems as
well as add direction to future research studies.
5
SENSITIZING FRAMEWORK
Sensitizing concepts guide studies by providing clarity and focus within a
broad theoretical foundation (Miles & Huberman, 1994). Denzin’s (1989)
qualitative methodology, interpretive interactionism, was the sensitizing
framework used in this study. With interpretive interactionism the intent is to
grasp, interpret, and understand the perspective and experiences of those
individuals whom applied programs intend to serve (Denzin, 1989). To
accomplish this task, the researcher attempts to gather “thick descriptions” of the
everyday lives of people that reveal individual epiphanies, or turning point
moments. Epiphanies are those interactional moments that leave positive or
negative marks on individual’s lives (Denzin, 1989). Thus, “interpretive
interactionists are interpreters of problematic, lived experiences involving
symbolic interaction between two or more persons” (Denzin, 1989 p. 13). The
basis of this method is the belief that participants’ experiences, as they report
them, make their worlds directly accessible to the investigator. The question the
researcher asks when using the interpretive interactionism method is “how” rather
than “why”. “Why” questions infer causality and often take the form of accounts,
excuses, and justifications for action (Denzin, 1989). “How” questions are
believed to elicit subjective interpretations and explanations which do ultimately
concern the “why” an experience transpired (Denzin, 1989). Thus, “[I]nterpretive
studies attempt to uncover the commonsense reasons for the meanings persons
bring to the turning point moments in their lives. In doing so, they address the
6
“hows” and the “whys” of existentially problematic experiences” (Denzin, 1989
p. 126).
RESEARCH QUESTION
The research question formulated for this study aimed to capture the
men’s turning point moments related to chat room participation. The participants
were required to be between 18 and 26 years of age. Age restrictions were based
on the following: (a) the limitations presented by the requirement of parental
consent to interview men under the age of 18 and (b) the assumption that older
men who participate in chat rooms as they come-out have more life experience to
draw upon. They are often less financially and emotionally dependent on family
members, suggesting that their experiences would be distinctly different from
those of younger gay men. The upper age limit was arbitrarily based upon my
previous qualitative investigation.
The research question was:
• How do young gay men (ages 18-26) experience “coming-out” by
participating in Internet chat rooms?
In order to capture the coming-out experiences of the participants the

following questions were asked:
• Tell me about how you came-out by participating in chat rooms?
• What were the “ah-ha” moments or “realizations” that you experienced
while participating in chat rooms?
• What have been your turning point moments, or crises, that you have
experienced in your coming-out? In relation to chat rooms?
7
• What positive and negative experiences have arisen from participating in
chat rooms?
UNDERLYING ASSUMPTIONS
Given that the researcher serves as the primary instrument in data
collection the reader needs to be informed of prior interpretations before data
analysis. Prior interpretations will be acknowledged throughout the data analysis

process, but not allowed to “control” the interpretation of new findings. As a gay
man, raised in a small city in Southwest Virginia, my own coming-out process at
times was very stressful, and at other times empowering. My experiences have
created a great empathy for others, particularly adolescents, who are coming to
terms with their gay sexuality. I feel that my personal assumptions gained clarity
when I asked myself, “How would my life experiences have been different if the
Internet existed during the time of my coming-out?” To answer this question I
reflected on my personal experiences of coming-out, on participant-observation of
gay chat rooms, on reviews of the literature, on my training as a health educator,
and on previous interpretations of interviews with gay men about their chat room
experiences. Thus, several underlying assumptions preceded the onset of this
study. They included:
1. Virtual gay communities, such as chat rooms, can provide similar benefits
to belonging to the offline gay community where members receive
emotional and informational support.
2. Participation in a gay chat room can support the development of a positive
gay identity and, in turn, supports young people’s entry into the offline
8
gay community. Entry into the offline gay community further supports gay
identity development (for a discussion on gay community and identity
formation see Ross, Fernandez-Esquer, & Seibt, 1995).
3. Participation in gay chat rooms enables gay youth to connect with other
gay peers and/or adults which may lead to earlier initiation of same-sex
sexual activity.
4. Participation in gay chat rooms may “speed up” the coming-out process in
that questioning youth self-labeling their same-sexual attractions at earlier
ages.
5. Earlier self-labeling has the potential for both positive and negative
outcomes. Integration of one’s sexual identity into the overall identity at
an early age is considered developmentally adaptive. However, earlier
self-acknowledgement may result in emotional distress and disclosure of
sexual orientation at a time of heightened sensitivity with regard to
rejection from family and peers.
6. Interpretive interactionism is an optimum method to understand the

phenomenon of gay men who turn to chat rooms as a way to come-out by
providing a rich and detailed account of the emotions, meanings, events,
resources, and experiences.
7. Personal experiences that occur in chat rooms cannot be isolated from
other lived experience.
8. People can act as self-observers, communicate valid data about their
experiences, and can ascribe meaning to those experiences.
9
9. The use of audio taped interviews is an appropriate and accurate way to
record lived experience.
LIMITATIONS
1. During the interview the participant may not have recalled or shared all
personal experiences or they may not have had the ability to articulate
feelings, emotions, and meanings important to the phenomenon. In

addition, the researcher may have lacked the necessary interview skills to
elicit information important to the phenomenon.
2. The researcher attempted to bracket or set aside known personal biases.
However, personal biases affected the interpretation of the data.
3. The interview questions used in this study were based on prior exploratory
interviews with gay men regarding their experiences in finding offline sex
partners from chat rooms. The interview questions from this study may not
have elicited thick descriptions pertinent to the exploration of the
phenomenon under investigation. Consequently, further refinement and
additional questions were created during the progression of interviews.
4. Purposive sampling techniques limit the data that are collected and
subsequently the interpretations that are made.
10
DELIMITATIONS
1. The focus of this study was limited to self-identified gay men between the
ages of 18 and 26 years.
2. Participants were selected based on their personal statements that
participation in chat rooms was important to their coming-out (however
they may have defined coming-out).
3. The men in this study volunteered their life stories, indicating that they
were not very shy and/or “closeted.” They were also not ethnically
diverse, were all over the age of 18, and were residents of Tampa, Florida,
and hence were non-representative of other gay youth.
4. All the men who participated felt sure that they were gay, had participated
in the offline gay community, and had self-disclosed to at least one non-
gay (i.e., straight) friend. Thus, this study did not capture the experiences
of individuals who were still questioning their sexual orientation.
5. Qualitative research interprets data ideographically, in terms of the
uniqueness of individual cases, and cannot be generalized to other
populations due to the influence of the interviewer-subject relationship,
the setting, the context, and the values held by both the researcher and the
subject, but may be extrapolated to similar instances (Lincoln & Guba,
1985).
11
DEFINITION OF TERMS
Cache memory – (pronounced “cash”) web browsers such as Netscape and

Internet Explorer store visited website HTML and images temporarily on the
computer hard drive when surfing the web. They do this to make your surfing
faster. However, when one is finished these files remain. The browser will delete
these images as its cache limit fills up, but it doesn’t delete all of them. To fix this
one should “clear the cache” when finished. That way no one will be able to view
the locally saved cache copies of pages viewed.
Chat room – the term chat room is used inclusively to denote a variety of
computer-based applications that allow individuals to synchronously exchange
information over the World Wide Web. More specifically, “gay” chat rooms, are
those comprised of gay members, and have been equated to a “virtual gay
community” (Dishman, 1997).
Closeted - individuals who self-label as gay and selectively choose those to

whom they disclose their sexual orientation or who choose not to disclose their
orientation to others.
Cybersex – cybersex in online chat rooms is defined here as having two forms: 1)
computer mediated interactive masturbation in real time and, 2) computer
mediated telling of interactive sexual stories (in real time) with the intent of
arousal (Hammen, 1996).
Cyberspace - an artificial world formed by the display of data as simulated three-

dimensional space, which the user can manipulate and "move through" by issuing
commands to the computer (Academic Press Dictionary of Science Technology
available online, http://www.harcourt.com/dictionary/).
Drag queen – a man who dresses like a woman.
Dyadic – two persons in a continuing relationship in which they interact with

each other.
Fem – a man that flamboyantly displays femininity.
Gay erotica – Gay-oriented written stories, photographs, videos, or other imagery

that is designed and experienced as sexually stimulating and/or arousing.
Gay identity – see homosexual identity.
12
Gay lingo – gay terminology. For an extensive list of definitions of gay
terminology visit “Wizard’s Gay Slang Dictionary” at
http://www.hurricane.net/~wizard/19a.html.
Heterosexism – “a world view, a value system that prizes heterosexuality,

assumes it is the only appropriate manifestation of love and sexuality, and
devalues homosexuality and all that is not heterosexual” (Herek, 1986, p. 925)
History files – Internet browsers create history files that keep track of sites
visited. These files are stored on the hard drive. History files are also used for the
browser’s autocomplete URL feature. So if a family member sits down at the
computer and types www.c the browser might autocomplete the URL as
www.coolgayyouthwebsite.com, the website visited a few days ago. There are
instructions on the browser for deletion of the history files.
Home page – the main World Wide Web site for a particular group, organization,
or individual.
Homosexual Identity – Vivienne Cass (1984) notes the considerable variation in

the way the term “identity” is used in the homosexual context. For example, she
discusses how “gay identity” and “homosexual identity” have often been used
interchangeably. The addition of “lesbian identity” and “sexual identity” also adds
to the difficulty in conceptualizing a unified definition. A distinction should be
made between a homosexual/gay identity and same-sex sexual behavior (i.e., an
individual can participate in same-sex sexual behavior while not identifying his or
herself as gay). Thus, a homosexual identity is defined as how the individual
perceives his or herself as being homosexual or gay. Note definition of sexual
identity later in list.
Homophobia – the prejudice, discrimination, and hostility directed at gay men

and lesbian women because of their sexual orientation (Herek, 1986).
Homonegative attitudes – more accurate and preferable term to denote

“homophobia” because there is frequently no classical phobic reaction in
homonegative attitudes. There is widespread currency of the term homophobia,
which colloquially is synonymous with homonegative attitudes (Ross et al.,
1995).
Hypertext – an easy method of retrieving information by choosing highlighted

words in the text screen. The words link to documents with related subject matter.
13
“IMing” or Instant Messaging – through the use of a free computer program,
individuals connected to the Internet are notified when another “buddy” or friend
is online, allowing each other to send instant e-mail messages via a pop-up
window on the computer screen.
Internalized homophobia or homonegative attitudes – hypothesized to be the

result of the internalization of heterosexist and homonegative norms and to be
responsible for some psychological dysfunction experienced by gays.
Internet - the Internet denotes the system of interconnected computers that

provides the backbone for E-mail (electronic mail), WWW (World Wide Web),
FTP (file transfer programs), Usenet (special interest groups), IRC (Internet Relay
Chat), and similar services (DeGuzman & Ross, 1999).
Internet provider – wholesale or retail sellers of access to the Internet.
Intimacy – Researchers have not reached a consensus definitition of intimacy.

However, it can be understood as perceived closeness and mutual understanding
on the part of relational partners. Consequently, intimacy can be achieved in
romantic, sexual, and friendship relationships (Dubé, Savin-Williams, &
Diamond, 2001, p.129).
IRC or Internet Relay Chat - a service that allows real-time conversations

between multiple users on a variety of subject-oriented channels.
IRL or In-real-life - a term that denotes a face-to-face or offline interaction.
Mailing list – group discussion distributed through e-mail. Many mailing lists are
administered through LISTSERV.
MOO – an object oriented MUD. Many MOO’s have an education or research

orientation. The LambdaMOO server is the most popular type of MOO.
MUD – “multi-user dimension,” or “multi-user dungenon.” A computer program

designed to create the illusion of rooms, worlds, and time periods through text
descriptions. Players use commands to “walk” through a MUD, chat with other
characters, solve quests, and fight monsters.
Net, the – a colloquial term that is often used to refer to the entirety of
cyberspace: the Internet, and the commercial services, bulletin board services
(BBSs), etc.
14
Netiquette – the rules of Cyberspace civility. Usually applied to the Internet,
where manners are enforced exclusively by fellow users.
Newsgroup – the Usenet message areas, organized by topic.
Outed – inadvertent or unwanted disclosure of a person’s gay identity.
Personal web page or website – a website that is created by an individual that

represents some aspect of the individual’s personality and/or interests.
Posting – the sending of a message to a newsgroup, bulletin board, or other public

message area. The message itself is called a post.
Public sex venues – public spaces which are known to be frequented by men who
have sex with men. Examples of such spaces include washrooms, rest stops, and
park areas.
Questioning – a person who is unsure of their sexual identity.
Real-time – the Net term for “live,” as in “live broadcast.” Real-time connections
include chat rooms, IRCs and MUDs.
Role model stories – “a role-model story is an authentic story about an actual

person from the target community. Each story is told in the person’s own
language and describes his or her reasons for thinking about or starting a behavior
change, the type of change begun, how barriers to change were overcome, and the
reinforcing consequences of the change” (Higgins, Galavotti, O'Reilly, Sheridan,
& Projects, 1997, p. 13-14).
Sexual activity – includes a continuum of behaviors motivated by sexual desire

and oriented toward sexual pleasure, even if these activities do not culminate in
sexual release (Diamond, Savin-Williams, & Dubé, 1999, p. 178).
Sexual identity – represents an enduring self-recognition of the meanings that

sexual feelings, attractions, and behaviors have for one’s sense of self. It is
symbolized by such statements as “I am gay” or “I am heterosexual” (Savin-
Williams, 1998a, p. 3).
Sexual-minorities – group classification that includes lesbian, gay, bisexual,

questioning, and transgendered persons.
15
Sexual orientation – refers to the preponderance of sexual or erotic feelings,
thoughts, fantasies, and/or behaviors one has for members of one sex or the other,
both, or neither (Savin-Williams, 1998a, p. 3).
Sexual relationships – peer relationships extending for any period of time whose
primary focus is sexual activity. Attraction between partners is a frequent but not
necessary component; similarly, a high or even moderate degree of mutual
emotional engagement is not integral to these relationships. Instead, sexual
activity constitutes their defining characteristic (Diamond et al., 1999, p. 178).
Social networks – refers to a person-centered web of social relationships (Heaney

& Israel, 1997, p. 180).
Social support – social support is “the functional content of relationships (that is

social networks), which can be categorized along four broad types of supportive
behaviors or acts. Emotional support involves the provision of empathy, love,
trust, and caring. Instrumental support involves the provision of tangible aid and
services that directly assist a person in need. Informational support is the
provision of advice, suggestions, and information that a person can use in
addressing problems. Appraisal support involves the provision of information that
is useful for self-evaluation purposes, that is constructive feedback, affirmations,
and social comparison” (Heaney & Israel, 1997, p. 180).
Top and bottom – gay terms that represent the insertive partner “top” and
receptive partner “bottom” in anal intercourse.
URL – “universal resource locator.” The World Wide Web address of a resource
on the Internet.
Usenet – a collection of networks and computer systems that exchange messages,

organized by subject in news groups.
Userid – the unique name (often 8 characters or less) given to a user on a system
to designate her or his account. The complete address, which can be used for e-
mail, is a userid followed by the @ sign and the domain name.
Web browser – a client program designed to interact with the World Wide Web
servers on the Internet for the purposes of viewing web pages.
World Wide Web – a hypertext-based navigation system that allows the user to
browse through a variety of linked Net resources, including Usenet news groups
16
and FTP, Telnet, and other sites, without the necessity of typing commands. This
is also known as WWW or the Web.
Vicarious learning or observational learning – an important construct in Social

Cognitive Theory (Bandura, 1986) that posits the importance of the social
environment which provides role models for behavior. “A person can learn from
other people not only by receiving reinforcements from them but also through
observing them. Observational learning occurs when a person watches the actions
of another person and the reinforcements that the person receives. This process
has also been called vicarious reward or vicarious experience” (Baranowski,
Perry, & Parcel, 1997, p. 159).
17
Chapter 2: Literature Review
The purpose of the literature review, in an interpretive interactionism
study, is to deconstruct the existing literature regarding the phenomenon under
investigation so that the biases that surround the existing understanding can be
presented. For this study the coming-out process is deconstructed and includes
how the process has been examined, analyzed, and presented. In the first section,
the term “coming-out” will be defined followed by a description and critique of
the stage models of gay identity development. The next section presents
alternatives to the stage models in describing the coming-out process.
COMING-OUT IS A DEVELOPMENTAL PROCESS OF SELF-DISCOVERY
To explore the coming-out process, it is first necessary to define what is
meant by coming-out.
Coming-out involves the complex process of intra- and interpersonal

transformations, often beginning in adolescence and extending well into
adulthood which lead to, accompany and follow the events associated with
acknowledgement of one’s sexual orientation (Hanley-Hackenbruck,
1989, p.21).
Coming-out as defined by Cohen & Stein (1986, p.32):
Refers to a complicated developmental process which involves, at a

psychological level, a person’s awareness and acknowledgement of
homosexual thoughts and feelings. For some persons, coming-out
ultimately leads to public identification as a gay man or lesbian. Various
factors will affect the relative positive meaning the individual places on
the identity which emerges as a result of the coming-out process.
18
Coming-out as defined by Rust (1996, p. 87):
The process by which individuals come to recognize that they have

romantic or sexual feelings toward members of their own gender, adopt
lesbian or gay (or bisexual) identities, and then share these identities with
others.
In essence, coming-out is a process of self-discovery of one’s sexual
orientation and the subsequent self-identification as gay. This is a complicated
developmental process that transpires over the span of several years to a lifetime.
Numerous stage models of the coming-out process have identified shared
experiences among individuals, captured the turning point moments (i.e.,
developmental milestones), barriers, and emotions associated therewith. Selected
coming-out models follow.
Stage Models of Coming-Out
There have been several stage-like psychological models constructed over
the past thirty years that describe the common factors shared among gay people
that are believed to be important to coming-out and to the successful transition to
a gay identity (Cass, 1979; Coleman, 1981/82; Lee, 1977; Minton & McDonald,
1983/84; Plummer, 1975; Troiden, 1979; Troiden, 1989). Much of the research
that investigated the coming-out process began in the late 1970’s after
homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM)
of the American Psychiatric Association. This event turned researchers’ focus
from the etiology of homosexuality to the hurdles gay people face with a
stigmatized sexual identity (Rust, 1996).
19
All of the models contain commonalities, often building upon previous
work, and posit their findings within the theoretical assumptions of social
interactionism and constructionism. Hence, researchers generally agree that
coming-out is a developmental process embedded in social interaction. However,
these models have limitations, particularly with regard to reconciling one with the
others (Cass, 1984). For example, Schneider (2001) asserts that each model of the
coming-out process uses different markers of development:
Lee (1977) focuses on behavior and significant events such as sexual

activity and, particularly, self-disclosure; Cass (1979) focuses on cognitive
congruency; and Troiden (1989) presents a sociological analysis of how
individuals come to understand the meaning of their sexuality. These
approaches are neither incompatible nor mutually exclusive, but they
operate on different levels. Consequently, not only is there little consensus
about what constitutes the essence of the process, but there is also little
accord to what constitutes closure of the process (p. 73).
In a review of the stage models of the coming-out process, Garnets and
Kimmel (1993) found five shared commonalities: (1) initial awareness followed
by a period of identity confusion; (2) a necessary reconciliation between one’s
gay identity and society’s reaction; (3) the variety of stigma management
strategies used by gay people; (4) exploration into the gay subculture with
subsequent socialization into its norms; and (5) increased desire to disclose gay
identity to others over time. To develop these models researchers questioned gay
men and women about their coming-out experiences, with the intention of
uncovering milestone events (i.e., events that are conceptualized to have moved
the coming-out process forward) in their lives. For example, typical questions
asked for descriptions of their experiences with initial awareness of same-sex
feelings, labeling themselves as gay, first same-sex sexual activity, first disclosure
20
of their sexual orientation to a non-gay person, and first encounter with the gay
community. Researchers then constructed linear models to describe and account
for the experiences of their participants.
Coming-out models are helpful because their descriptions of individuals’
experiences of the coming-out process suggest areas for intervention. For
instance, models highlight to counselors and therapists the importance of
disclosure to family and peers for sexual minority youth (Fontaine & Hammond,
1996). However, such models are a point of contention among many researchers
and therapists in that they cannot encompass the developmental processes of all
individuals and may therefore invalidate or obscure the experiences of others.
Rust describes these models as both useful and dangerous when applied to
therapeutic settings and presented the following critique concerning coming-out
models:
…these models assume that coming-out is a linear goal-oriented process, a

conception that more accurately reflects the way individuals view their
coming-out in retrospect than the way they actually experienced it; they
are based in Euro-American concepts of sexuality that are not necessarily
meaningful to individuals from a variety of cultural backgrounds; and they
are based on a dichotomous understanding of sexuality that does not
validate the possibility of bisexual identity as a mature outcome (p. 89,
1996).
Other global criticisms with regard to the stage models of coming-out (i.e.,
gay identity development) argue that they are overly focused on sexual behavior,
are based on small sample sizes, lack attention to the socio-historical context
(D'Augelli, 1994; Davies, 1996; McDonald, 1882), and assume that sexual
identity is fixed, not allowing for change in sexual orientation throughout the
lifespan (D'Augelli, 1994). In addition, researchers argue that gay men and
21
lesbians distinctly differ in sexual identity development and that their differences
are not sufficiently delineated in the stage-like models (Rust, 1993; Rust, 1996;
Schneider, 2001).
It should also be noted that many of the gay identity theorists who
developed these coming-out models have voiced similar criticisms. For example,
Coleman (1987) believes that stage models assumed a biological predisposition,
they were subject to the researcher’s own biases, assume invariant progression
through the stages, were generally built around gay male development, and
therefore ddi not reflect the ever-changing state of human nature.
Notwithstanding the biased assumptions contained within each of the
stage models of coming-out, they offer insight as to how social interactions
support the coming-out process. Hence to give the reader a more complete
understanding of the coming-out process, I will present three models
representative of the various stage models of gay identity formation. The models
presented are those of Vivienne Cass, Eli Coleman, and Richard R. Troiden.
Cass Model (1979)
According to Cox and Gallois (1996), the most theoretically sophisticated

gay identity model advanced in the literature is the model proposed by Cass
(1979). The model is framed within interpersonal congruence (Secord &
Backman, 1974) which assumes that “stability and change in human behavior are
dependent on the congruency or incongruency that exists within an individual’s
interpersonal self” (Cass, 1979 p. 220). The source of stability and change lies in
the interpersonal matrix consisting of the person’s self, their behavior, and how
22
other people perceive these two factors. A complex interaction occurs between
these three elements in which the individual strives to establish a state of
interpersonal equilibrium.
Cass (1979) describes six stages of homosexual identity development, in
which progression through the stages results from the resolution of a state of
incongruency to congruency within the interpersonal matrix. The individual
adopts different approaches to attain interpersonal congruency dependant upon

the individual’s perception of his/her interpersonal matrix (self, behavior, and
perception of others) as favorable or undesirable. When individual perceptions are
favorable, a state of incongruency in the self causes the individual to move to the
next stage of identity in search for more understanding of self. When individual
perceptions are undesirable they may stop or “foreclose” by employing another
set of strategies (e.g., denial, avoidance behaviors, redefining meanings) until
incongruency causes them to move on again. A key tenet of this model is that
homosexual behavior does not equate with the attainment of a homosexual
identity. The six stages are: identity confusion; identity comparison; identity
tolerance; identity acceptance; identity pride and identity synthesis.
Stage 1, “Identity confusion,” begins with the individual’s becoming
aware that homosexuality has a relevance to themselves and their behavior (either
through the awareness of thoughts, emotions, same sex sexual arousal, or
participation in behavior that is homosexual). The process begins when the
individual begins to think, “could I be homosexual?” In this stage the individual
often lacks the environment in which to discuss such personal matters and elects
23
to resolve the confusion on his or her own. At this stage the individual often seeks
more information in the form of books and other resources.
Stage 2, “Identity comparison,” begins when the individual starts to think,
“I might be gay, or maybe bisexual,” “maybe it’s a phase,” or “maybe my feelings
for this person of my own sex are a special case.” The task at this stage is to deal
with social alienation, which is often exacerbated by factors such as geographical
and social isolation. Individuals often feel that “I am the only one in the world
like this.” The person has four options to reduce social alienation at this stage.
The first option is to react positively to being “different” – to see it as something
desirable. S/he utilizes a “passing strategy” in order to maintain an image of
heterosexuality which allows the individual time to absorb the growing
commitment to a gay self-image. There are four ways of using the passing
strategy: (a) avoid threatening situations; (b) present only select aspects of self;
(c) cultivate images of heterosexuality or asexuality; (d) “role distancing,”
adopting a stance of detachment from anything “homosexual”. The second option
is to accept the “homosexual” meaning of one’s behavior, but to find the

homosexual self-image undesirable. The third option is to accept self as
“homosexual” and to see his/her behavior as having homosexual meaning, but to
view the behavioral component as undesirable. Finally, a fourth option is to see
self and behaviors as undesirable and to wish to change both.
Stage 3, “Identity tolerance,” is marked by such statements such as “I am
probably gay.” At this stage the individual actively seeks out other gay or bisexual
peers or adults and explores the gay subculture to alleviate his/her sense of
24
alienation. A critical factor at this stage is the emotional quality of these personal
contacts. A more favorable perception in the individual’s eyes leads to a high
value being placed on one’s gay identity, and eventually to building a greater
commitment to a homosexual self-identity. Barriers such as poor social skills, low
self-esteem, or fear of exposure, can inhibit a person from seeking contact with
other gay individuals. A major barrier to those individuals who live in rural areas
is the lack of a visible gay community to access. Participating or “mixing” with

the gay subculture allows an individual the chance to observe the benefits that are
offered, such as “opportunity to meet a partner, provision of role models who
present homosexuality as acceptable, the chance to learn techniques for better
management of a homosexual identity, practice in feeling more at ease by
socialization to subculture behavior, and a ready-made support group” (Cass,
1979, p. 231).
Stage 4, “Identity Acceptance,” involves continued and increasing
contacts with other gay people, and the formation of friendships. Gay and/or
questioning individuals begin to view gay people more positively and accept a
gay self-image. The earlier questions of “who am I?” and “where do I belong?”
have been answered. At this stage participation in the gay subculture plays a more
important role in the individual’s life. Different types of groups within the
subculture influence the way the individual progresses through the remaining two
stages. Two important types of groups either influence identity progression or
identity foreclosure, those groups that fully legitimize homosexuality and those
that offer only a partial legitimization. Continuing to pass as heterosexual and/or
25
limiting contacts are coping strategies used to prevent incongruency from being
heightened. Selective disclosure to significant heterosexuals is an action that
reduces incongruency.
In Stage 5, “Identity pride,” the individual finds acceptance in his or her
gay identity but also becomes increasingly aware of the tension between the gay
self and society’s non-acceptance of homosexuality. In order to reduce
incongruency within the interpersonal matrix, the individual devalues the

“heterosexual others” by employing an “us” and “them” strategy. In order to
maintain this strategy, the individual often becomes deeply involved in gay
community activities and develops a strong sense of pride. This stage is typified
by statements such as “glad to be gay." One of the coping strategies is to abandon
previous “passing” strategies, and instead opt to now use disclosure as a coping
strategy. With identity disclosure, the individual can gain support for their identity
from others, as well as bring the public identity in line with the private identity. If
the individual expects that disclosure may cause a negative reaction, then
nonconcealment of identity is a compromise strategy. The types of reaction that

an individual receives are a key factor to progression to the next stage. The more
that negative reactions are received from others, the more likely identity
foreclosure is to occur. Positive reactions from others result in incongruency
because it is not what is expected. The effort to reduce this incongruency leads the
individual to the next stage.
In Stage 6, “Identity synthesis,” the individual acknowledges that there are
heterosexual others who are accepting of gay people. Increasing contacts with
26
supportive heterosexuals (i.e., straight individuals) builds greater congruency
within the interpersonal matrix. The individual still feels a sense of gay pride, but
less intensely. The individual also becomes more aware of the similarities among
self and straight people and of the dissimilarities among self and other gay people.
At this stage the individual is able to integrate the homosexual self into all other
aspects of self, and the individual views homosexuality as merely one aspect of
self.
Coleman Model (1981-82)
Eli Coleman proposes a five-stage model to describes the coming-out
process. This model differs from those presented by Cass and by Troiden
(presented next) in its focus on the later stages of coming-out and on the
formation of romantic relationships.
In Stage 1, “Pre-coming-out,” individuals are not consciously aware of
same-sex feelings, but they feel different, alienated, and alone. Individuals at this
stage may experience depression and low self-esteem and find themselves unable
to describe what is “wrong.”
During Stage 2, “Coming-out,” individuals come to acknowledge their

same-sex feelings. Acknowledgment, which can be conscious or semi-conscious,
is the first developmental task and is similar to what Cass describes as “identity
confusion.” The next developmental task is that of “telling others” which
functions to increase self-acceptance. Individuals seek external validation, hoping
that they will not be rejected. Finding accepting others, particularly those with
27
high perceived status (such as close heterosexual friends and family) is critical to
counteract perceived negative feelings and to increase self-esteem.
Stage 3, “Exploration,” is marked by interactions with other gay people
through which individuals are able to “experiment” with their new sexual
identities. Similar to Cass’ “identity tolerance” leading to “identity acceptance,”
the opportunity to interact with others who positively identify as gay promotes a
positive self-image. The first task in this stage is to develop interpersonal skills to
meet and socialize with other gay people. The second task for some individuals is
to gain a sense that they are attractive to others and are sexually competent.
Sexual relationships are viewed as learning experiences. The third task for some
individuals may be the need to recognize that their self-esteem is not based upon
sexual conquest. If not resolved, these people may get locked into seeing
themselves as solely sexual beings. The concept of “developmental lag” is
introduced to depict the non-chronological adolescence created when individuals
enter into the “exploration” stage after their biological adolescence has passed.
Stage 4, “First Relationship,” occurs after sexual exploration. The person

may desire a more stable, committed relationship which combines emotional and
physical attraction. The developmental task in this stage is to learn how to
participate in a healthy same-sex relationship. First relationships often do not last
for a variety of reasons: stereotypes that gay relationships are doomed to failure,
intensity, possessiveness, lack of trust, and the lack of role models of gay couples.
Stage 5, “Integration,” is similar to Cass’s “identity synthesis.” Individuals
merge their public and private identities into one self-image. Relationships at this
28
stage are categorized as non-possessive and mutually trusting, and are often more
successful than first relationships. Individuals in this stage are better equipped
both mentally and emotionally, to handle relationship failure as well as to handle
the pressures of everyday life.
Troiden Model (1988)
Richard R. Troiden (1988) believes that sexual conduct and identities are
primarily social in origin. He states, “the meanings of feelings or activities, sexual
or otherwise, are not self-evident,” and supports Plummer’s (1975) belief that to
“become homosexual” one must accumulate a series of sexual meanings that
predispose individuals to self-label as homosexual. Troiden offers a four-stage
sociological model for charting the development of a gay or lesbian self-concept.
Troiden prefers to use the term “self-concept” as opposed to “identity” because
self-concept encompasses a wider range of social categories and does not depend
upon social settings per se whereas “identity” refers to specific social categories
or settings (such as the “doctor” identity at work). He presents his model as an
ideal type because “nothing and nobody fits them exactly,” and synthesizes his
earlier research along with that of Plummer (1975), Ponse (1978), and Cass
(1979, 1984) to produce a logical framework (Troiden, 1988, p.47-8).
Stage 1, “Sensitization,” occurs before puberty when the person assumes
he/she is heterosexual, but acquires social experiences that sensitize him/her to
subsequent self-definition as homosexual. At this stage, people often experience
feelings of marginality and of being different from their same-sex peers. Feeling
29
different is often a result of gender-atypical or gender-inappropriate interests
and/or behaviors.
Stage 2, “Identity Confusion,” is marked by a person’s inner turmoil and
uncertainty about his/her sexual identity. Sexual identity is said to be in “limbo”
when one has not yet developed a self-perception of being homosexual. At the
end of this stage, usually late adolescence, he/she begins to think, “I am probably
homosexual.” Several factors are considered responsible for the identity confusion
including (a) altered perceptions of self, or perceptions of self as sexually
different, (b) the experience of both heterosexual and homosexual arousal and
behavior, (c) stigma surrounding homosexuality that creates problems with guilt,
secrecy, and difficulty in gaining access to other gay people, and, finally (d)
ignorance and inaccurate knowledge about homosexuals and homosexuality,
which keeps him/her from learning that homosexuals exist and from perceiving
similarities among his/her self and others labeled as homosexual.
A person who is in the stage of confusion may resort to a number of
different identity management strategies that include denial, repair, avoidance,

redefining, and acceptance. “Denial,” occurs when he/she denies homosexual
feelings, fantasies, or activities. “Repair,” is typified by seeking professional help
to eliminate homosexuality. “Avoidance,” ensues when the individual recognizes
that his/her feelings are gay, but sees it as something that can be avoided.
Individuals may employ a variety of avoidance strategies that include (a)
inhibiting behaviors or interests that they view as homosexual, (b) limiting
personal contact with the opposite sex to keep family and friends from realizing
30
their lack of heterosexual responsiveness, (c) avoiding exposure to information
about homosexuality, (d) assuming anti-homosexual postures, (e) heterosexual
immersion, and (f) escapism, or avoidance of their homoerotic feelings, through
the use of chemical substances. “Redefining” the situation may include internal
arguments, such as “I’m only passing through a phase.” “Acceptance” occurs
when an individual believes that his/her feelings, fantasies, and behaviors may be
homosexual and seeks out additional information that results in a gradual

realization that other gay people exist as a social category. This diminishes
his/her sense of isolation.
Stage 3, “Identity Assumption,” which usually occurs during or after late
adolescence, is marked by a person’s self-definition as being gay, identity
tolerance and acceptance, regular contact with other gay people, sexual
experimentation, and exploration into the gay subculture. As described in Cass’s
model, the quality of other gay people encountered at this stage is extremely
important (1979). Meaningful contact with more experienced gay people allows a
person to see the similarities between him/herself and other gay people and the
attractiveness of belonging to a gay group. In addition, contact with other gay
people provides role models from whom s/he can learn strategies for stigma
management, rationalizations that legitimize homosexuality and reduce feelings
of guilt, a variety of gay identities and roles, and the norms of the gay community
governing homosexual conduct.
Once an individual has adopted a gay identity s/he now must manage this
new identity in mainstream society. Individuals manage their stigmatized
31
identities usually in one of the following ways: (a) by avoiding homosexual
activity, which can lead to self-hatred and despair (capitulate); (b) by behaving in
highly stereotyped, gender-inappropriate fashion (minstrelization); (c) by passing
as heterosexual; and (d) by becoming more involved in the gay community (
group alignment) and, in some cases, immersing themselves in the gay subculture
and avoiding heterosexual settings.
Stage 4, “Commitment,” occurs when an individual becomes more

comfortable, accepts a gay or lesbian identity, and adopts this as a way of life.
This stage has both “internal” and “external” dimensions. Internal commitment is
said to occur when sex and emotion fuse to where the same sex is now considered
to be a legitimate source of love, romance, and sexual gratification. Other markers
of internal commitment include positive shifts in the meanings, validity,
satisfaction, and happiness attached to a gay identity.
Commitment is also supported externally by same-sex love relationships,
disclosure of one’s gay identity to non-homosexual others, and a shift in the type
of stigma-management strategies. “Covering” and “blending” appear to replace

passing and group alignment during this stage. Those who cover are ready to
disclose their sexual orientation to others but take caution to keep their sexuality
from being noticed. People who blend act in gender-appropriate ways and neither
announce or deny their sexual orientation to non-gay others. If asked or
challenged about their sexual orientation they are likely to respond, “what’s it to
you?” Commitment reduces the stigma surrounding homosexuality and increases
feelings of pride. It is also important to note that individuals often continue to
32
employ stigma-management strategies based on personal, social, or professional
factors.
In summary, stage models have been important in identifying the
significant milestones, as well as the barriers, in the coming-out process and have
been the impetus for further research. Schneider (2001) suggests that one reason
why researchers have persisted in thinking about the coming-out process as a
linear, stage-sequential process involving a specific order of events, has much to

do with the ways in which social scientists and psychologists have been trained to
think about maturation in spite of the critiques of stage theory of human
development (Burman, 1994). In addition, much of the research with regard to the
coming-out process has focused on determining the average ages at which
individuals experience coming-out milestones (e.g., age of self-labeling or first
same-sex sexual experience). This obscures individual differences in the coming-
out process and projects the uniformity of the process (Schneider, 2001; Savin-
Williams, 1998; Rust, 1996). In the section that follows, a brief discussion of the
research that has focused on average-age milestone events is presented in order to

highlight the contributions as well as the limitations, of such research endeavors.
“CONTINUITIES” METHODOLOGY
“Continuities” is a term that has been used to describe the methodological
approach that collapses the life histories with regard to the coming-out process of
gay youth into average ages of a predetermined set of milestones. The major
advantage in collapsing life histories of youths into a series of milestone events is
that it allows one to grasp the “big picture” of the process (Savin-Williams, 1998).
33
To illustrate this point, a table listing the ages in which gay identity milestones
were reached by youth in other research studies with “substantial” numbers of
gay/bisexual males was complied by Savin-Williams (1998) and is shown in a
modified format in Table 2.1. Modifications to the table include the inclusion of
Savin-Williams’ (1998) study findings and the online OutProud (1997) survey
findings, which may be the most representative study of present cohorts. As
depicted in the table, there has been a general declining trend in the age of
experiencing developmental milestones reported from the late 1970s to current
cohorts of sexual minority youths. For example, awareness of same-sex
attractions has decreased from approximately 13 to 8 years of age. Few studies
have reported on the age at which individuals label feelings, but not self, as gay.
However, the same decline is observed. First same-sex sexual activity has
remained fairly constant over the last twenty years, reported between the
fourteenth or fifteenth year. The early temporal trend is also found for the age in
which youth labeled themselves as gay.
General critiques of all the identity milestone studies include the difficulty
in finding a representative sample of sexual-minority youth (e.g., ethnic diversity,
education, urban versus rural samples), volunteered participation, and reliance on
retrospective reports by adults. These characteristics result in the lack of relevance
to present cohorts and bias in remembered events. However, though differences
34
Table 2.1. Mean age of developmental milestones in other studies1
Kooden Troiden McDonald Rodriguez D’Augelli Herdt & D’Augelli & Rosario Savin- OutProud
et al. (1979) (1982) (1988) (1991) Boxer Hershberger et al. Williams (1997)
(1979) N=150 N=199 N=251 N=61 (1993) (1993) (1996) (1998) N=1,916
N=138 N=147 N=142 N=81 N=180
First same-sex 12.8 13 11.1 10.8 9.6 9.8 10.9 7.97
attractions
Label feelings 19.7 16.2 12.3 13.12 12.2
but not self as
homosexual
First 14.9 14.9 15 15.6 13.1 14.9 13.3 14.11 Gay/BiMale
homosexual (14.9/14.3)
sex Lesbian/BiFem
35
(16.0/15.7)
Label self as 21.1 21.3 19 20.6 17 16 14.8 14.7 16.87 15.6
gay/lesbian
First 282 232 23.62 19 16.8 16.7 17.89 16.3
disclosure to
other
First 17.6 18.88
disclosure to
parent
First 21.9 23.9 21 22.8 18.8 17.6 18.33 16.7
relationship
Positive gay 28.5 22 24 19.15
identity
1
Exact wording of milestone varies somewhat across studies
2
To significant non-gay other
among study participants themselves may account for much of the variation
among reported milestones, a general downward trend is generally believed to
occur for all reported milestones (Savin-Williams, 1998). The advantage of
employing the continuities methodology is that it allows us to view changing
trends in the coming-out process. However, researchers are quick to point out that
the continuities methodology invariably obscures the diversity of the experience,
and the meanings ascribed thereto. For example, Savin-Williams (1998) states
that some of the youth in his sample
…could never remember a time when they were not aware of their same-
sex attraction; others did not identify their attractions until they were ready
to graduate from high school. First gay and heterosexual activity occurred
as young as five years old for one of the boys and as old as twenty-five
years for another youth. One youth disclosed to his mother, father, and
sibling when he entered junior high school; another near completion of his
Ph.D., has yet to disclose to parents. One youth had a positive image of his
sexual identity at age ten and a romantic relationship with another boy one
year later; another youth has yet to achieve either milestone and believes
he never will (p. 17).
Other studies have made similar observations regarding variations in the order of
events. For instance, some gay and lesbian youth self-identified prior to any same-
sex sexual activity while others did so afterwards (Savin-Williams & Rodriguez,
1993; Schneider, 2001). In addition, Schneider’s (2001) investigation into the
coming-out process of lesbians argues that the continuities approach obscures the
uncovering of other critical milestones, such as self-esteem and romantic
“crushes” in the evolution of coming-out. She suggests that a phenomenological
approach is necessary to describe a set of necessary and sufficient conditions for
the development of a gay self. “Stating the problem in this way allows for both
36
the variability and commonalities in the process” (p. 78). This is the focus of the
next section.
ALTERNATIVES TO STAGE MODELS IN UNDERSTANDING THE COMING-OUT

PROCESS
As explained in the previous section, stage models are limited in capturing
the complex coming-out process that accounts for individual variability in an
ever-changing social context. Cox and Gallois (1996) argue that stage models
focus on the individual’s personal identity and do not include the social identity
(i.e., group-based categorization and comparison). They suggest that social
identity theory (Hogg & Abrams, 1988; Hogg & Abrams, 1990; Tajfel, 1982) is a
more appropriate way to explore how sexual identity is formed.
While there is empirical evidence that suggests the coming-out process
involves the development of an individual sexual identity and a group
membership identity (Fassinger & Miller, 1996), D’Augelli (see Figure 2.1)
identifies three sets of factors important in sexual identity development. They are
“personal subjectivities and actions,” (i.e., intrapsychic processes - cognitive and
emotional, and subsequent behaviors), “interactive intimacies,” (i.e., interpersonal
factors), and “sociohistorical connections,” (i.e., social contextual factors). Each
set of factors interact to contribute to six processes in the development of a
lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB) identity: 1) exiting heterosexuality; 2) developing
a personal LGB identity status (i.e., an individual sexual identity); 3) developing a
LGB social identity (i.e., a group membership identity); 4) becoming a LGB
offspring; 5) developing a LGB intimacy status; and 6) entering a LGB
community. In short, D’Augelli’s (1994) conceptual model illustrates that the
37
coming-out process involves a complex interaction between intrapsychic,
interpersonal, and social contexts.
Figure 2.1. Model of lesbian-gay-bisexual development (D’Augelli, 1994, cited in

Rivers, 1997, p. 332).
Personal Subjectivities and

Actions
* Personal meanings
* Behavior patterns
Interactive Intimacies Sociohistorical Connections
* Parents * Social customs

* Family * Policy
* Peers * Law
* Partnerships * Cultural concepts
Identity
Processes
However, researchers have questioned the benefit of coming-out models.
For instance, Savin-Williams suggests that the critical research endeavor is to
understand how gay youth live their lives, rather than to focus on the development
of coming-out models per se. He conceptualizes both the distinct and common
life courses (i.e., the coming out process) of gay youth (influenced by a unique
mix of biological, intrapsychic, social, and cultural contexts) as “differential
38
developmental trajectories” in order to better understand, interpret, and
investigate the coming-out process (1998). He states:
“Differential” names the variability within and across individuals, and

“development” refers not only to specific events during particular
moments of time but to the full range of milestones and processes that
occur throughout the life course. “Trajectories” highlights forward
movement and emphasizes that future development will be influenced by
past and current maturational episodes and their aftermath. (p. 9)
In essence, not all individuals have identical pathways in the development
of their sexual identities. By taking a differential developmental trajectory
perspective to understand the life course of gay youth, we are sensitized to both
the similar and different developmental experiences that “a gay youth may share
with other adolescents regardless of sexual orientation, with other gay youth and
subgroups of gay youths, or with no other adolescent who has ever lived or will
ever live” (Savin-Williams, 1998, p. 9). Savin-Williams cites Laurence
Steinberg's (1995, p. 248-249) concept of developmental trajectory as a
“probabilistic pathway through time and space that is shaped by three sets of
factors: (a) characteristics of the developing adolescent, (b) influences of the
immediate environment, and (c) opportunities and constraints inherent in the
broader context” (1998, p. 9). In addition, adolescents are not passive objects
controlled by forces beyond them but are
active, changing agents who select and affect the environments in which
they participate. In this regard, developmental trajectories are not fixed
paths that are charted for the adolescent by others or society, but routes
toward an endpoint that are chosen, or even created, by an active, self-
directed organism. (Steinberg, 1995, p.248)
39
Savin-Williams adds
From my perspective, a differential developmental trajectories approach

proposes that the task of developmental research is to investigate the ways
in which sexual-minority youths are similar to and different from all
adolescents, as well as the ways in which they vary among themselves
throughout the life course. It is my view that researchers have become too
negligent with the vicissitudes in developmental processes and the
outcomes within sexual-minority populations and have thus at times
misled us regarding how sexual minorities lead their lives. Viewing
development from a differential trajectories perspective heightens the
focus on diversity within sexual-minority populations, recognizes
continuities and discontinuities in development, and highlights the turning
points in individual lives. (1998, p. 10)
A key concept to differential developmental trajectories in the coming-out
process, marked by turning point moments and exemplified by the “traditional”
milestones events (e.g., self-labeling, first same-sexual experience, etc.), is that
trajectories can take a positive or negative direction (Savin-Williams, 1998).
Although turning point moments are developmental, moving the coming-out
process forward, they are not without concerns or crises.
The negative direction is best exemplified by research that has
investigated the “risk” associated with coming-out in a society that has
stigmatized gay sexual identities. The impact of homonegativity, heterosexism,
and the stigma associated with sexual-minority group status, has been studied
quite extensively, particularly in terms of negative outcomes (i.e., negative
trajectories) for gay youth. Gay youth experience victimization at home, school,
and in their communities (Hershberger & D'Augelli, 1995; Rivers, 1996; Rivers,
40
1997; Rivers & D'Augelli, 2001; Waldo, Hesson-McInnis, & D'Augelli, 1998).
They are believed to be at an increased risk for suicide ideation and attempts as
compared to their heterosexual peers (Durant, Krowchuk, & Sinal, 1998;
Garofalo, Wolf, Kessel, Palfrey, & Durant, 1998; Remafedi, French, Story, &
Resnick, 1998; Rotheram-Borus & Langabeer, 2001; Russell & Joyner, 2001), to
experience depression, anxiety, and emotional distress (Bradford, Ryan, &
Rothblum, 1994; D'Augelli & Hershberger, 1993), to be at increased risk for
developing problem drug behaviors (Garofalo et al., 1998; Rosario, Hunter, &
Gwadz, 1997; Rotheram-Borus & Langabeer, 2001), and to participate in high
rates of sexual risk-taking behaviors (Rotheram-Borus, Marelich, & Srinivasan,
1999; Rotheram-Borus, Rosario, Reid, & Koopman, 1995). However, caution is
warranted in interpreting research findings due to sampling bias and the lack of
longitudinal studies with heterosexual comparison groups (Rotheram-Borus &
Langabeer, 2001). For instance, the risks associated with being a sexual-minority
youth may be exaggerated because study participants are often approached in the
context of a temporary crisis situation (e.g., seeking support at a social service
agency) (Rotheram-Borus & Langabeer, 2001). In addition, Rotheram-Borus &
Langabeer (2001) summarize their concerns with the interpretation of
developmental trajectories research as follows:
The limited data that we have on lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths paint a
paradoxical picture. When problem behaviors are assessed independently,
each sample studied to date indicates that gay, lesbian, and bisexual
41
youths engage in multiple behaviors placing the youths at high risk for
multiple negative outcomes. However, when youth are monitored
longitudinally over time, it appears that the majority of youths are low risk
for multiple problem behaviors. Only in areas of sexual acts and suicide
attempts do there appear to be high rates of behavior relative to peers of
the same gender and socioeconomic status…These data point to the
resiliency of youths with nonheterosexual orientations…[and show they]
may also receive benefits and build unique strengths associated with being
gay, lesbian, or bisexual despite the negative social sanctions regarding
their sexual orientation (p. 117-118).
NOTES ON THE CURRENT STUDY
In this study, I have adopted Savin-Williams’ conceptualization of
differential developmental trajectories, or the “continuity and discontinuity in
individuals’ lives and the turning points that redirect or rechannel the meanings of
experiences and feelings” (1998, p. xxi), in order to explore how the men’s chat
room experiences may shape the lives of young gay men as they come-out. I feel
that this conceptualization is an appropriate match with Denzin’s methodology of
Interpretive Interactionism (1989) in that the research method is designed to
capture both the similar and differential turning point moments in the lives of
individuals. Unlike Savin-Williams’ investigation into the coming-out

experiences of young gay men presented in his book entitled, “…And Then I
Became Gay: Young Men’s Stories” (1998), I do not focus on exploring how each
participant experienced a preset list of milestones (e.g., first same-sex attractions,
label feelings but not self as gay, first gay sex, first heterosexual sex, label self as
gay, first disclosure to others, first disclosure to parent, first relationship, positive
gay identity). Rather, I employ a preset list of milestones as a framework within
which to place chat room participation in order to understand how the chat room
42
“fits” into the overall coming-out process for each of the men. This issue will be
discussed in detail in the methodologies chapter.
In this study, I focus on capturing both the positive and negative turning
point moments associated with chat room participation, uncovering the
unforeseen turning points and meanings as suggested by a phenomenological
exploration of individual lived experience. As Schneider (2001) suggests,
In order to understand the evolution of a gay or lesbian identity, it is

critical to understand the individual meanings attributed to the events,
behaviors, cognitions, and emotions involved in coming out, particularly
those that are identified as milestones. Herein lies the value of a
phenomenological, qualitative approach to studying the coming out
process and particularly in understanding both the individual differences
in the process and the systematic differences associated with culture,
ethnicity, class, and gender. (p. 79)
43
Chapter 3: Methods
This section describes the research design and the methodological
approach used in this study. Topics include a description of the interpretive
interactionism method, participant selection and recruitment procedures,
characteristics of the participants, and data analysis procedures.
INTERPRETIVE INTERACTIONISM
Interpretive interactionism is the qualitative research method used for this
study. In-depth interviews were conducted to gather “thick descriptions” that
revealed individual epiphanies, or turning points, that related to the participants’
coming-out experiences through their participation in chat rooms. Epiphanies are
moments that left either positive or negative marks on people’s lives. A major
epiphany shatters a person’s life and changes it forever, while minor epiphanies
reveal tensions that provide continual turning points. Cumulative epiphanies are
turning points that are the result of accumulations of past experiences (Denzin,
1989).
The points of interpretive interactionism are to: “(a) utilize multiple, case
study, biographical methods; (b) find the crises and epiphanies in the subject’s
life; (c) connect these experiences, as personal troubles, to public issues and
institutional formations; (d) employ sophisticated rigor; (e) present the
phenomenon to be evaluated in the language, feelings, emotions, and actions of
those being studied; (f) follow the five steps of interpretation, including
deconstruction, capture, bracketing, construction, and contextualization; (g)
44
clearly state the researcher’s value position on the phenomenon being evaluated”
(Denzin, 1989, p. 27).
Denzin outlines six steps for conducting an interpretive interactionism
study. The first step is framing the research question by asking a “how” instead of
a “why” question. The framing of the research question is presented in Chapter
One. At this stage the researcher also states, or brackets, personal biases and
views about the phenomenon of interest. The second step is deconstruction of

prior conceptions of the phenomenon. The deconstruction of the literature is
presented in Chapter Two. The third step is capturing the phenomenon by
locating individuals with the lived experience of the phenomenon under study and
conducting in-depth interviews to gather personal histories and self-stories.
Capture is described in the sampling section that follows. The fourth step is
bracketing in which the researcher subdivides the interview text into key
experiential elements and subsequently analyzes the subject matter on its own
terms. The fifth step, construction, is placing the bracketed elements of the
phenomenon back into a coherent whole. The goal is to find the same recurring
conduct, experiences, and meanings in the lived experiences of the participants.
The final step of contextualization begins with the themes and structures that were
constructed and then attempts to place them back into the social world in an effort
to show how lived experience alters and shapes the phenomenon being studied
(Denzin, 1989).
45
PARTICIPANTS
Selection Criteria
Criteria for study participation included men who a) self-identified as gay,
bi-sexual, or questioning; b) were between 18 and 26 years of age; and c) resided
in and around Tampa, Florida. Participants were selected based on their personal
statements, gathered via e-mail, chat room, or telephone converstation, that their
participation in Internet chat rooms had influenced their coming-out process prior
to scheduling a face-to-face interview. Participants were not selected on the basis
of race, social, or economic status.
Recruitment Process
Participants were recruited into the study through a combination of
purposive sampling and snowballing (Miles & Huberman, 1994). Purposive
sampling employed the use of key informants. Key informants are those
individuals who are known to fit the selection criteria or who can assist the
researcher in locating participants whose experience mirrors those of the
phenomenon under investigation, hence snowballing. Study participants were
located through: a) gay peers in the community; b) university gay alliance
organizations; c) sexual minority youth organizations; d) a flyer posted in a local
coffee house frequented by gay college students (Appendix B); and e) gay chat
rooms on www.Gay.com.
Sampling was terminated when redundancy in the data was reached.
Redundancy is reached when no new information is generated from new
interviews (Lincoln & Guba, 1985). For this study, redundancy occurred with
46
nine participants. Confirmation of the previously collected data occurred with the
next four participants, for a total of thirteen individuals. Data were collected from
December 2000 to March 2001.
Chat Room Recruitment
Chat rooms that were primarily used by the men in this study were those
provided on the America Online (AOL) (http://www.aol.com) and Gay.com

(http://www.gay.com) websites.
A chat room user can select a room based upon geographic location and/or
special interest, reflected in the name of the room, e.g., Tampa M4M (men for
men). Individuals synchronously communicate primarily through textual
exchanges. In addition, a user profile must be created each time a person logs into
a chat room and must contain a user “screen name.” The user profile also provides
room to display a “personal profile.” Thus, chat room participants often use a
screen name (e.g., collegeguy22), personal profiles (e.g., 6’1” athletic, attractive,
no drugs, engineering major UT, looking for friends maybe more), hyperlinks to
personal websites (e.g., www.mypersonalwebsite.com), and the exchange of
picture files via e-mail to convey important aspects of oneself to other

participants. Participants can choose to interact with several individuals
simultaneously within a “group” chat window or elect to converse on a one-on-
one basis in a “private” chat window. A picture of a gay.com screen is presented
in Appendix C to serve as an example of a typical chat room interface.
For this study, Gay.com was used to recruit participants because several
chat rooms were dedicated to Tampa, Florida and its surrounding communities. It
47
is important to note that when recruiting online the researcher must be aware of
chat room etiquette that dictates the socially accepted way to interact with other
chat room members. I found the most appropriate and successful way to recruit in
the chat rooms was to post a hyperlink to a study website that I created
specifically for this project. The study website contained a summary of the
project, participant selection criteria, contact information, and a consent form
(Appendix D). Again, it is common practice among chat room participants to

present personal information to others by posting a hyperlink to a personal
website (posted in their personal profiles), as well as to screen other members by
viewing their websites. I posted the hyperlink to my website in my personal
profile each time I logged into a chat room, which allowed other chat room
participants to link to the study information. If they desired, they could then
contact me by private chat, e-mail, or telephone.
Data Collection Procedure
The purpose of the research was explained to each prospective participant
and any questions were answered before he read and signed the informed consent
form (Appendix E). Next, each participant completed a socio-demographic

questionnaire (Appendix F). After the survey was completed, the participant
created an identity milestone timeline that preceded a tape-recorded interview.
Both the questionnaire and sexual career timeline exercise are described in the
following sections.
A semi-structured interview schedule was employed that consisted of a list
of grand tour questions that allowed for additional probing questions (see
48
Appendix G). The interview started with the request “Tell me about how you
came out by participating in a chat room.” This request was followed by
additional probes that aimed to gather multiple stories capturing personal crises,
successes, and epiphanies experienced by the men as they came-out. Field notes
were written immediately following each interview. The interviews were
transcribed verbatim by the researcher. Information obtained from the initial
interviews and the interview field notes were used to refine questions for
subsequent interviews.
Participants selected the time and location of the interview. Office space
was arranged with Equality Florida, a non-profit organization in Tampa, to
conduct interviews during operating hours. However, all the participants preferred
to meet at other locations. All but two of the interviews were held in coffee
houses (one interview was held in a university study lounge and another in a
public park). A gay organizational and support referral directory was made
available to assist participants who requested help accessing gay community
resources. However, participants declined resource information and did not

express a desire or need for follow-up support.
Characteristics of the Participants
A socio-demographic questionnaire was used to obtain participant
characteristics, which are reported in the section below. First, the socio-
demographic survey used to collect the data are described, followed by participant
descriptions based on the survey findings.
49
Socio-Demographic Questionnaire
Each participant completed a socio-demographic questionnaire with items
related to the participant’s demographic characteristics, present involvement in
the gay community, and openness with regard to their sexuality. An
understanding of each participant’s situation in the gay subculture assisted in the
interpretation of the data. Hence, the questionnaire consisted of items that
measured the level of social integration into the gay subculture, such as the
proportion of friends who are gay, membership in gay organizations, reading of
gay magazines and newspapers, and identification as being gay (Ross et al.,
1995). The 69-item questionnaire consisted of nine sections related to the
following categories: (a) self-identification, (b) social networks and relationships,
(c) social participation, (d) knowledge of gay history and symbols, (e) gay media,
(f) gay tourism, (g) private life, (h) demographics, (i) focused ethnic identity, and
(h) Internet use. The questionnaire was a modified version of the Men Who Have
Sex With Men & Gay Acculturation Survey (developed by Michael Ross, Ph.D.,
University of Texas School of Public Health, Houston, TX). The items reported in
this study were used for descriptive purposes only. Time to complete the 69-item
questionnaire ranged from 20 to 35 minutes.
Participant Characteristics
The characteristics of thirteen self-identified gay men whose stories are
presented in this study are summarized in Table 3.1. Generally speaking, these
men were articulate, college educated, and very open about telling their coming-
out stories. The participants ranged in age from 19 to 26 years. They were nine
50
Euro-Americans, two African-Americans, and two Hispanic-Americans. The
majority of participants were enrolled in a college or university and lived at home
with their parents. Each participant was alphabetically assigned a pseudonym in
the order in which they were interviewed. Selected items from the socio-
demographic questionnaire are summarized in tabular form in Appendix H.
Table 3.1. Demographic characteristics of study participants.
Demographic Characteristic N=13

Age by Categories
18-20 2
21-23 5
24-26 6
Ethnicity
Euro-American 9
African-American 2
Hispanic-American 2
Level of College Education
Some college 9
College graduate 4
Current Occupation
Full-time or Part-time student 9
Administration/Office 4
Teaching 1
Applied science 1
Living Situation
Parents and/or Family members 9
Apartment or Campus dormitory 3
Home Owner 1
Milestone Timeline
The purpose of this exercise was for each participant to construct a
timeline of his experiences with a series of predetermined milestone events in
coming-out. The purpose of this was to highlight the point at which he first began
to use the Internet and to participate in chat rooms. To construct the milestone
51
timeline, each participant ordered a series of color-coded cue cards. Each card
represented an event that related to the coming-out process. A total of sixteen cue-
cards were used: a) seven blue cards regarding self-awareness of sexual
orientation and disclosure of orientation to others (i.e., felt same sex attraction,
thought you were gay, felt sure you were gay, thought you were bisexual, felt sure
you were bisexual, told a non-gay non-family member about your sexual
orientation, told a family member about your sexual orientation); b) four yellow
cards regarding sexual events (i.e., solo masturbation, mutual masturbation, oral
sex, anal sex); and c) five pink cards regarding media & Internet use (i.e., viewed
hard-copy pornography, viewed Internet pornography, visited a chat room, read
about gay lifestyle issues on the Internet, experienced cybersex). Each participant
was instructed to order each set of cards in the order in which each event first
occurred. After each set was ordered the cards were merged into a single timeline.
Cards that did not pertain to the participant were set aside. After ordering the
cards the participant was requested to “Tell me the story about this card” and
asked “How old were you when this event first occurred?”
Data Analysis
Analysis of the interview transcripts was achieved through the process of
bracketing, construction, and contextualization. The analyses of transcripts
employed constant comparison methodology in which codes, categories,
dimensions, and themes are developed by re-interpreting data based on the
incorporation of additional interviews.
52
Bracketing
Bracketing is the first step that is used to code and organize the data.
Bracketing involves the following five steps: (a) identifying key phrases and
statements within the text that speak directly to the phenomenon; (b) interpreting
the meanings of these phrases; (c) if possible, obtaining the subject’s
interpretations of these phrases; (d) identifying recurring features within the
meanings; and (e) formulating a tentative definition (Denzin, 1989).

Each transcript was read to identify meaningful experiences and
epiphanies. Epiphanies are transformational experiences that leave positive or
negative marks on people’s lives. Denzin discussed four types of epiphanies. The
major epiphany is a single experience that changes a person’s life forever. The
cumulative epiphany is the result of a number of events that have built up over
time. A minor epiphany, sometimes referred to as an illuminative epiphany,
occurs when underlying tensions and problems in a situation or relationship are
revealed. The fourth is the relived epiphany in which a person relives a major
turning point moment (1989).
Coding
Bracketing involved coding the interview transcripts. Continuous coding
of the interview transcripts occurred after transcription to allow for constant
comparison between interviews. First level codes consisted of key words or
phrases that were interpreted to be meaningful to the phenomenon under study.
Transcripts were read several times and key statements or phrases were
underlined, while memos were written on the margins. Codes at this level were
53
the words or phases of the participant or a brief restatement. The words and
phrases identified as meaningful to understanding the phenomenon were listed
and served as first level codes. My analysis team (described in the section on
trustworthiness) received all interview transcripts with first level codes and
memos; we communicated by phone, e-mail, and conference calls to discuss the
contextual reading, key phrases, and possible interpretations. An example of level
one coding is included in Appendix I.

Next, first level codes were grouped into second level codes based on
similarity of experience, with recurring meanings or themes that helped define the
phenomenon combined. Each identified epiphany was examined based on each
participant’s interview and compared to all the other interviews to re-examine and
re-interpret recurring themes and elements. Recurring themes among second level
coding were listed. The qualitative research computer program, QSR NUD*IST,
supplemented the hand coding process.
Construction
Construction is the second step in data analysis. The goal of construction
is “to re-create lived experience in terms of its constituent, analytic elements”

(Denzin, 1989 p. 59). Construction is a classification, ordering, and reassembling
elements of the phenomenon into a coherent whole. To answer the question of
how young gay men experience the coming-out process through participating in
chat rooms and the meanings they give to those experiences, the bracketed
elements were linked back to reveal the temporal, sequential and logical
relationships among elements. Doing so allows the phenomenon to be understood
54
in a more generalized, universally-experienced mode. Construction involves the
following steps: (a) listing the bracketed elements; (b) ordering the elements as
they occur within the story; (c) indicating how each element affects and relates to
other elements and (d) concisely stating how the elements of the phenomenon
cohere into totality (Denzin, 1989). At this step the coded data were carefully
constructed into the themes that began to emerge from the text.
Contextualization
Contextualization attempts to take the essential themes that were
constructed and give them meaning by locating them back in the natural social
world. “The intent of contextualization is to show how lived experience alters
and shapes the phenomenon being studied” (Denzin, 1989, p. 61).
Contextualization involves the following steps: (a) find the stories that embody in
detail the features that were determined in the bracketing and construction phases;
(b) present contrasting stories that illuminate variations on the stages and forms of
the process; (c) indicate how these lived experiences change the essential features
of the process; (d) compare and synthesize the main theme of the stories so that
the differences among lived experiences can be brought together under a re-
formulated theme. “Contextualizing takes what has been learned about the
phenomenon, through bracketing, and fits that knowledge to the social world
where it occurs” (Denzin, 1989 p. 60). This step involved showing how the
coming-out experiences of young gay men have been altered or shaped by their
lived experience (participation in chat rooms).
55
Trustworthiness and Rigor
The following section describes the measures used to establish
trustworthiness and rigor. The measures included in this study were truth value,
applicability, consistency, and confirmability (Lincoln & Guba, 1985; Miles &
Huberman, 1994; Sandelowski, 1986).
Truth Value
The truth value of a study is evaluated in terms of credibility (Lincoln &
Guba, 1985). A credible study is one in which descriptions and interpretations of
experience are presented in a way that the people who had those experiences
would identify them as their own or other individuals would recognize the
experience after reading about it in the study (Sandelowski, 1986). Recording
thick descriptions, conducting multiple interviews, partnering with an analysis
team, and utilizing member checks were all methods used to aid the researcher in
producing a credible study.
Applicability
Applicability is concerned with the ability of the study results to represent
the real world. Applicability of a study is often evaluated in terms of “fittingness”.
When “findings can ‘fit’ into contexts outside the study situation and when its
audience views its findings as meaningful and applicable in terms of their own
experience,” a study meets the criterion of “fittingness” (Sandelowski, 1986, p.
32). To meet the criterion of fittingness the researcher captures thick descriptions
in the interviews and attempts to bring the actual lived experiences before the
reader (Denzin, 1989). It is not up to the researcher to prove fittingness, only to
56
provide the thick descriptions necessary for the readers to make that decision for
themselves (Lincoln & Guba, 1985).
Consistency
Consistency is evaluated from the criterion of auditability. “A study is
auditable when another researcher can follow the ‘decision trail’ used by the
researcher in the study” (Sandelowski, 1986). In this study, an analysis team

assisted the researcher in both examining the process and in analysis of the data.
The analysis team consisted of three health professionals, with doctorates in
health education, who had prior analysis team experience on studies that utilized
interpretive interactionism. All raw data produced (interview transcripts, data
reduction and analysis products, data reduction and synthesis products) were
maintained throughout and upon completion of the study.
Neutrality
The criterion for neutrality is confirmability. Confirmability is established
through auditability, truth value, and applicability. Audit trails support auditability
by maintaining all raw data including field notes, memos, and journaling on each
study participant. Field notes were generated after each interview. After each
interview, the researcher journaled immediate impressions and thoughts, as well
as any additional questions thought helpful for future interviews. Audiotapes,
interview transcriptions, and notebooks were kept on file by the researcher for
review by the research community if appropriate.
57
Chapter 4: Interpretation of Data
OVERVIEW
Questioning and gay youth in the United States face many challenges to
determine for themselves what it means to be gay, and to find their paths to living
life healthfully and honestly, without fear of rejection or physical harm. However,
due to the recent social phenomenon of relationship formation through the use of
chat rooms, many questioning and gay youth are participating in virtual gay
communities in order to create meaning in their lives. Hence, the underlying
premise in this study is not only that gay chat rooms are an important social
context in the lives of many questioning and gay youth, but that chat rooms are
dramatically changing the way many youth today come-out and ultimately
participate in the gay world. However, little is understood about the coming-out
experiences of youth who participate in gay chat rooms and the subsequent offline
experiences that transpire from online interactions with other gay men. It is
precisely this lack of knowledge that calls for exploration of the chat room
experiences of gay youth and an appreciation of how those experiences might
shape their coming-out processes.
This study explored how chat room participation shaped the lives of
thirteen young gay men, between 18 and 26 years of age, as they were coming-
out. All the men in this study self-identified as gay and believed chat rooms had
58
influenced their coming-out process, regardless of their varying definitions of
“coming-out.” During the face-to-face interviews the men appeared to feel at ease
and appreciative of the opportunity to talk to someone about their chat room
experiences. I was honored by their trust in me as they told their stories, often
times filled with emotion. I hope that I do justice in presenting their experiences.
The presentation of the data will begin with a review of the researcher as
instrument, followed by a brief explanation of the timeline exercise that identified
initial participation in chat rooms within their coming-out process. Next, an
overview of the global construct and the themes are presented. The remainder of
the chapter describes the men’s experiences, organized around the themes and
categories within the themes. The men’s coming-out experiences and the
influence of their chat room participation on their meanings of being gay are
understood through descriptive realism, presenting their stories in their own
words. Denzin (1989) states that descriptive realism, “…reveals the conflictual,
contradictory nature of lived experience and suggests that no single story or
interpretation will fully capture the problematic events that have been studied” (p
136). Therefore, all the statements from the interviews are direct quotes.
RESEARCHER AS INSTRUMENT
Because value-free interpretive research is not possible, I included my
assumptions in Chapter One. To remind the reader that the experiences of the men
are presented through my personal filters, this chapter is written in first person;
59
my responses, questions, and impressions are included. During the work with my
analysis team, I periodically validated the emerging themes and categories with
various participants in person, over the telephone, or by e-mail.
WHEN DID THE CHAT ROOM ENTER INTO THE COMING-OUT PROCESS?
To help the men recall specific turning point moments in their lives, the
men were asked to construct a timeline of pre-selected milestone events

(described in detail in Chapter 3). The constructed timeline in this study is used
only as a heuristic framework to provide points of reference for each participant’s
coming-out story. The timeline findings specific to each participant are discussed
below in order to help the reader gain a sense of the timing of chat room use for
each participant as they were coming-out. In addition, the exercise gave each
participant time to reflect on these particular milestones and their connection to
one another. During the exercise, all the participants remembered their age and
more specifically the particular circumstances that surrounded each milestone
event, which enhanced the credibility of each participant’s story. The ability to
recall the circumstances that surround coming-out milestones is not uncommon
and has been reported by other researchers (Savin-Williams, 1998).
The timeline exercise revealed no single pattern and highlighted how each
of the men came to the Internet with his own unique personal history comprised
of past experiences, motivations, needs, expectations, and cultural, familial, and
religious backgrounds. If one conclusion can be drawn from the timeline exercise,
it is the variation of the men’s coming-out experiences, marked by the different
60
ordering of events, including when each participant incorporated the chat room
context into their lives.
To clarify my observations relating to timing of initial participation in chat
rooms I found it helpful to view the chat room experience as a developmental
milestone (in relationship to other milestones) that changed the trajectory of their
life courses. In doing so, I gained a sense of what their lives were like before and
after chat room participation. Three distinct patterns emerged from the timeline
exercise. These trends are related to (a) when they felt sure they were gay in
relation to using the chat room (Figure 4.1), (b) first same-sex sexual experiences
in relation to using the chat room (Figure 4.2), and (c) when they disclosed to a
“straight” (i.e., non-gay) friend or family member in relation to using the chat
room (Figure 4.3).
As seen in Figure 4.1, eight of the thirteen men interviewed “felt sure” that
they were gay before they participated in a gay chat room. Of these men, Brain,
Fred, and Henry had each engaged in sexual activity with other men, had gay
friends, and had participated in the offline gay community (e.g., visited gay bars,
etc.). Alex, Dave, Henry, Ian, and Josh differed from Brian, Fred and Henry
because they felt sure that they were gay independent of sexual or social contact
with other “known” gay people. Thus, for the second group, the chat room was
their first contact and opportunity to converse with other gay men. Cliff, Eric,
Greg, Kevin, and Luke thought they “might be gay” when they went online in
search of other gay men. For them, participating in chat rooms was instrumental
in their labeling their feelings as gay. Thus, the chat room was not a place where
61
they “learned” or were “taught” to be gay. It was a social context in which they
were able to meet other men in order to validate their feelings.
Figure 4.1. Relationship between when participants “felt sure” they were gay and
chat room participation.
Before I participated in a gay chat room... After chatting online with other gay men...
...I thought that I might be gay

Cliff Eric Greg Gay Chat ...I then felt sure that I was gay
Kevin Luke Room Cliff Eric Greg
Kevin Luke
...I felt sure I was gay

Alex Brian Dave
Fred Henry Ian
Josh Marc
Figure 4.2 indicates the importance of the chat room in allowing many of
the participants to find and enact their first same-sex sexual encounter. Oral sex is
used to mark this event, as opposed to mutual masturbation, in that oral sex was a
more meaningful event in each of the participant’s lives. For example, some of
the men had same-sex sexual experiences, such as mutual masturbation, in early
adolescence but did not label themselves or their behavior as gay. Brian, Fred, and
Henry had experienced oral sex with other men prior to their chat room
participation and did label their sexual behavior as gay. Brain had established a
romantic relationship with another man, but had few friends that were gay, and
rarely interacted with the offline gay community. Henry used the chat room, in
conjunction with visiting the local gay bar, to meet other men. For them the chat
room was a way to meet gay men offline other than going to the gay bar. This was
particularly true for Fred who had never socialized with a group of gay men in the
62
offline community. Thus the chat room was pivotal for him to socialize with
other gay men. For Alex, Cliff, Dave, Greg, Josh, Kevin, and Marc, the chat room
enabled them to find another man with whom they had their first same-sex sexual
encounter. Both Eric’s and Ian’s first same-sex oral encounter occurred
independently of their chat room participation, but each did so after their
participation in chat rooms helped them validate their same sex feelings.
Figure 4.2. Relationship between when participants experienced oral sex for the
first time and chat room participation.
...I had never had oral sex

with a man
...I met a man and experienced
Alex Cliff Dave Eric Greg Gay Chat oral sex for the first time
Ian Josh Kevin Marc
Room Alex Cliff Dave Eric Greg
Ian Josh Kevin Marc
...I had already experienced
oral sex with another man
Brian Fred Henry
Fred and Henry were the only men who had disclosed to a “straight”
friend prior to participating in a chat room. All of the other men did so after they
had first chatted online and established offline friendship networks with other gay
men. All the men, except for Alex and Josh, had disclosed to a parent and did so
after first participating in chat rooms and creating an offline gay life via the chat
room. Thus, the chat room allowed the men to meet other gay men offline, which
preceded their disclosure to others.
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Figure 4.3. Relationship between when participants self-disclosed and chat room
participation.
...I told some of my "straight"
...I was not "out" to anyone friends that I'm gay...
Alex Brian Cliff Dave Eric Alex Brain Cliff Dave Eric
Fred Greg Henry Ian Fred Greg Henry Ian
Josh Kevin Luke Marc Gay Chat Josh Kevin Luke Marc
Room
...I told at least one of my parents
that I'm gay
...I had told a "straight" friend Brain Cliff Dave Eric Fred
that I'm gay Greg Henry Ian Kevin Luke Marc
Fred Henry
...I haven't told either parent
that I'm gay
Alex Josh
The above figures describe broad similarities with regard to the men’s
participation in chat rooms, but they by no means depict the diversity among the
men’s experiences. For example, each of the men differed in age when they first
went online to better understand their lives. Also, different lengths of time
transpired among the men in reaching certain developmental milestones. To
illustrate the diversity among the men’s coming-out experiences, a timeline of six
milestone events in relationship to Internet use (when the men first accessed
Internet web pages to read about “gay life” (I) and participated in a gay chat room
(Cht)) is presented in Table 4.1. The milestones included in the table represent the
first time the participant experienced the following: same sex attraction (SS),
thought they might be gay (tG), felt sure they were gay (sG), oral sex with a man
(Os), disclosure to non-gay (i.e., “straight”) friend (Dng), and disclosure to family
member (Df). For example, Alex “felt sure” he was gay (sG) when he was
sixteen, went online and read about gay life (I) when he was twenty, and was
twenty-two when he first chatted with other gay men (Cht) where he quickly met
a man with whom he had oral sex for the first time.
64
Table 4.1. Age of experience of coming-out milestones, highlighting chat room participation
AGE = 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Alex (24) SS tG I Cht
sG Os
Brian (26) SS Os Cht Dng
tG I sG Df
Cliff (20) SS sG Os Df
tG Dng
Cht
Dave (21) SS tG SG I Cht Df
Dng
Os
Eric (21) SS tG Cht sG Df
I Os Dng
65
Fred (22) SS Os tG SG Dng Cht Df
Greg (19) SS tG Cht Dng Os
I sG Df
Henry (24) SS Os sG Dng Cht Df
tG I
Ian (22) SS sG Cht Df Dng
tG I
Os
Josh (24) SS tG sG Cht Dng
Os
Kevin (22) SS TG Cht Df
Os Dng
sG
Luke (22) SS TG Cht I
Dng sG Os
Df
Marc (25) SS tG sG I Cht Dng Os
Df
SS = Same-sex attraction sG = Felt sure was gay Dng = Disclosed to non-gay I = First read about gay life on Internet
tG = Thought might be gay Os = First oral sex Df = Disclosed to family member Cht = First visited chat room
Another contextual issue that surfaced in making timeline comparisons is
that the proliferation of Internet technologies is a relatively recent social
phenomenon. For those participants who were older, the “gay chat room” simply
did not exist for them to access and meet other men, or for them to eventually
make meaning of their sexuality. For example, Brain who was twenty-six, and the
oldest participant in the study, did not have the same opportunity to interact with
other gay men via chat rooms as did Cliff, who at the age of twenty was fifteen
when he first chatted with other gay men online. When Brain was fifteen, it was
1990 and the Internet was in its infancy in comparison to 1996, when Cliff was
fifteen. In order to illustrate this point I constructed Table 4.2 which places the
age of each participant in the right hand column and places each milestone event
with each participant’s corresponding age in reverse chronological order. I shaded
in the box when each participant first found their way into a gay chat room. This
graphic revealed that first chat room access occurred in the years between 1994
and 2000.
66
Table 4.2. Reverse chronological timeline of coming-out milestones, highlighting chat room participation
Name ‘82 '83 ‘84 ‘85 ‘86 ‘87 ‘88 ‘89 ‘90 ‘91 ‘92 ‘93 ‘94 ‘95 ‘96 ‘97 ‘98 ‘99 ‘00 ‘01
Alex SS tG I Cht 24
sG Os
dng
Brian SS Os Cht Dng 26
tG I sG Df
Cliff SS sG Os Df 20
tG Dng
Cht
Dave SS tG sG I Cht Df 21
Dng
Os
Eric SS tG Cht sG Df 21
I Os Dng
Fred SS Os tG sG Dng Cht Df 22
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Greg SS tG Cht Dng Os 19
I sG Df
Henry SS Os sG Dng Cht Df 24
tG I
Ian SS sG Cht Df Dng 22
tG I
Os
Josh SS tG sG Cht 24
Os Dng
Kevin SS tG Cht Df 22
Os Dng
sG
Luke SS tG Cht 22
Dng I sG
Os
Marc SS tG sG I Dng Os 25
Cht Df
SS = Same-sex attraction sG = Felt sure was gay Dng = Disclosed to non-gay I = First read about gay life on Internet
tG = Thought might be gay Os = First oral sex Df = Disclosed to family member Cht = First visited chat room
Viewing the men’s experiences from this perspective gave additional
insight as to why the younger men such as Cliff, Eric, Greg, Kevin, and Luke
were able to chat with other men online at a time when they were more confused
about their sexuality (i.e., thought they might be gay). In addition, this
observation suggests that chat rooms are more likely to play a significant role in
the lives of youth today, and at even earlier ages than the participants in this
study. But again it is impossible to draw specific conclusions based on this

observation, given the complexity of individual psyche and cultural contexts that
influence the coming-out process.
Brief personal histories surrounding the timeline events, depicted in
Tables 4.1 and 4.2, are provided to illuminate the role of the chat room in the
coming-out process for each participant.
1. Alex was 16 when he felt sure that he was gay. Living at home and afraid
of being found out by friends and family he decided not to act on his
desires. He began using the Internet when he was about 20 years old to
read about the gay lifestyle, but it wasn’t until he was about 22 that he first
participated in a gay chat room. He arranged his first same-sex experience
with someone he had met from a chat room. This served as confirmation
that he was gay. Soon after, he confided to his best girlfriend that he was
gay, which was a positive experience. Alex still lives at home, is not out to
his family, and depends on the chat room as a social outlet to meet other
gay men and to communicate with his gay friends.
2. Brian was 14 years old when he began having oral sex with men in public
sex environments, e.g., public parks. When he began to have sex with
other men he suspected that he was gay, but tried to deny his feelings. It
was not until he was 21 after he began to search the Internet about gay
topics that he met his first boyfriend. Meeting his boyfriend was a turning
point moment because it was not until then that he felt sure that he was
gay. During his relationship he began to participate in chat rooms in order
to find advice and support for a yearlong abusive relationship with his first
boyfriend. Since Brian is deaf, the chat room was an easy way for him to
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communicate with other gay men. The chat room was meaningful to his
coming-out in that he lived a very isolated gay life. He was able to make
friends in the gay community. When he was 23 he disclosed his sexual
orientation to his entire family, followed by other straight friends, from
whom he received much support and acceptance. He considered most of
his experiences associated with chat rooms to be unfulfilling, and no
longer participated in chat rooms.
3. Cliff first experienced a gay chat room when he was 15 and experienced
“culture shock” and did not return to participating in chat rooms until a
few years later. This was at the age of 17, after he self-labeled as gay
through on-line research about gay topics. He chatted with other gay men
for about a year, and, at the age of 18, he experienced his first same sex
experience with another young man whom he met online. He used the chat
room for a few weeks after his first sexual encounter to make offline
friends and then never returned to participating in chat rooms because he
found other ways to be social and make friends.
4. Dave felt sure that he was gay at the age of 14 but was afraid to tell
anyone. He found his way online and into the chat rooms later in high
school, around the age of 17. Being able to chat with other gay men, and
ask them questions about how it was to be gay made him feel better about
his life. He continued to chat for a couple of years until he was 20 and met
his first boyfriend online, with whom he had his first same-sex encounter.
He continues to chat online.
5. Eric thought he was gay around the age of 13 and found his way online at
14 where he searched for gay related information and pornography. He
first participated in a gay chat room that same year but experienced
“culture shock” when he read the very sexual messages that were
exchanged on screen. He found the exchanges to be “disgusting” and
didn’t participate in a chat room again until he was 17. At that time
participation in a gay chat room helped him to self-label as gay.
6. Fred struggled with his sexuality throughout high school and was teased
by other classmates for acting “gay.” Fred had “played around” sexually
with other guys through high school, including having oral sex, but did not
label his behavior as gay until after graduation. He started participating in
chat rooms at the age of 17 and initially used the chat room to meet gay
men offline, mainly for sexual encounters. Now he rarely goes online to
chat due to his “negative” experiences.
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7. Greg felt that he might be gay before visiting a gay chat room at the age
of 15, and was able to self label as gay following his visit. He spent about
a year and a half online before he told his “straight” friends that he was
gay, followed by telling his family. He no longer participates in chat
rooms.
8. Henry felt sure he was gay at the age of 15 and had experienced oral and
anal intercourse with another young man before his use of the chat room.
As he explored his sexuality with his friend he soon labeled his actions
and feelings as gay and then began participating in the gay bar scene at the
age of 17. He first used the chat room at the age of 17, in conjunction with
the gay bars, to make friends, find sex partners, and to search for a
boyfriend. He was very disheartened by his chat room experiences related
to his fruitless search for a relationship. He participates in chat rooms
infrequently.
9. Ian felt sure he was gay at the age of 17 but did not participate in chat
rooms until he went away to college, age 18. He has had sexual
relationships with other men, but has never used the Internet to “hook up”
specifically for sex. He presently participates in chat rooms to socialize
and have fun with friends.
10. Josh started using the chat room about a year prior to his 24th birthday
where he arranged his first sexual experience with someone he met online.
The week prior to the interview he had just disclosed his sexual orientation
to his female roommate. He still participates in chat rooms primarily to
search for a boyfriend.
11. Kevin was 17 when he first participated in a gay chat room. He soon met
another man online, with whom he fell in love and started an offline
romantic relationship. He used the chat room as a way to manage his
secret gay relationship while married and living at home at his mother’s
home. Kevin is now divorced, “out” to all his family members and still
participates frequently in chat rooms in order to make new friends and
search for romance.
12. Luke was in high school, at the age of 16, when he began to think that he
was gay, but at this time he was involved with a religious youth group and
considered himself to be “very religious.” He disclosed to a male friend in
the group he thought he might be gay. After doing so Luke felt he made
the wrong decision to tell his friend, and he was encouraged by his friend
to “change his way.” His feelings of “doing something wrong” were
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supported by his friend which in turn, “pushed me deeper into the closet
and made me hate myself.” After he went away to attend college he
experienced a turning point moment after taking an anthropology course
where he realized “the diversity of the world and that there is no right way
to live.” His turning point moment was expressed when he said, “Just
kind of like an enlightenment and I grew up suddenly and realized how
incredibly selfish and ridiculous and brain washed [I had been] by being
Christian.” After this turning point, at the age of 20, he then began to
participate in chat rooms where he arranged his first same-sex sexual
encounter, and subsequently met his first boyfriend. He has disclosed his
sexual orientation to his straight roommates, mother, and siblings;
however, he has not yet told his father. He continues to participate in chat
rooms.
13. When Marc was 15 he felt sure that he was gay but was very fearful of
discovery. At the age of 19, living at home and attending college, he
gained access to the Internet where he soon started visiting “straight” chat
rooms. He slowly came out to the friend he made online as “bisexual” and
eventually found his way to gay chat rooms and websites. Able to keep his
online “gay life” secret for almost 2 years, his mother eventually found his
personal website on the family computer. This made him face his greatest
fear when his mother and father rejected him due to his sexuality. Over
time he was eventually able to mend his relationship with his family.
Since Marc lives in a rural community, the chat room still plays a
significant role in enabling him to meet other gay men.
In summary, the men’s coming-out experiences in relation to their
participation in chat rooms were quite diverse. Some of the men knew that they
were gay before participating in a chat room, whereas others needed to connect
with other men online before they were able to self-label as gay. Some of the men
chatted online for a short length of time before arranging offline meetings with
gay men, while others participated for more than a year. In addition, some of the
men continued to use chat rooms as a means to meet other gay men while others,
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once they were “out” to their family and friends, had made offline friendship
networks with other gay men, and no longer felt the need to participate.
Even though coming-out experiences were diverse and chat room
participation occurred along different points in their coming-out process, the men
did share similar turning point moments in relationship to chat room participation.
In the following sections the themes and categories that reflect these shared
turning point moments are presented.
GLOBAL CONSTRUCT: SEARCHING FOR ACCEPTANCE FOR WHO I AM
In Interpretive Interactionism a global construct emerges as the central
phenomenon around which the data are organized. My research question asked,
“How do young gay men, aged eighteen to twenty-six, experience coming-out by
participating in chat rooms?” From the data, the global construct of “Searching
For Acceptance For Who I Am” emerged, which encompasses the men’s coming-
out experiences via the Internet and chat rooms. Within this overall construct, the
men’s experiences clustered around four main themes:
1. I’m Gay and Life Will Be OK
2. Finding a Tribe
3. Living a Double Life, and
4. Learning about Myself and Gay Men in the Search for Love
The global construct of “Searching For Acceptance For Who I Am” grew
from the interplay among the four themes. Given the variety of life experience
that preceded their online lives, the thread that bound all of the men’s experiences
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was their search for acceptance, both acceptance by self and acceptance by others.
The term “for who I am” is a qualifier for that “acceptance,” in that they sought
acceptance for (a) their gay sexuality from within themselves, from other gay
men, family, and friends and (b) who they were as unique individuals (for both
companionship and romantic relationships) from other gay men within their
surrounding gay community.
The first theme, “I’m Gay and Life Will Be OK,” represented these men’s
experiences related to finding self-acceptance. They were eventually able to gain
validation and label their same-sex feelings and desires as “gay,” as well as
acquire the understanding that living as a gay man would not doom them to
failure and unhappiness. The second theme, “Finding A Tribe,” symbolized the
importance of finding acceptance from other gay men. This theme described the
benefits of chat room participation in creating both on- and off-line friendship
networks. The third theme, “Living a Double life,” characterized their experiences
as they used chat rooms to orchestrate a gay life (both on- and off-line) while
trying to keep their gay lives secret from family members and “straight” friends.
The focus of this theme was on their desire to find acceptance from family and
friends for being gay. The last theme, “Learning about Myself and Gay Men in
the Search for Love,” encompassed the men’s experiences as they used the chat
room to search for love and to be accepted as romantically desirable individuals.
In their quest to find “love” they were often presented with many emotional
challenges that shaped the way they felt about themselves, gay men, and romantic
relationships. The global construct will be discussed further in Chapter 5 during
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contextualization. The major themes that emerged from the data, each comprised
of categories, are described in the following sections.
Theme 1: I’m Gay and Life Will Be OK
The first theme, “I’m Gay and Life Will Be OK,” reflects the experiences
that helped the men to self-label as gay and to realize that being gay was not a
sentence to an unhappy and unfulfilled life. This theme was strong for those men
who had turned to the Internet and chat rooms at an early point in their coming-
out process, when they thought they might be gay and/or knew that they were gay
yet had never interacted with other gay people. Anonymity could be maintained
through the use of the Internet and was considered a primary motivator for using
the Internet to search for information about what it meant to be gay and to make
personal connections with gay men in chat rooms. Reading both gay
organizational and personal websites, in concert with chatting with gay men
online, helped the men validate and label their feelings as gay and helped reduce
many of the stereotypes that they held towards the gay lifestyle. The men’s online
activities not only helped them label their feelings as gay but also helped them to
recognize the positive side to being gay, which reduced their anxieties about the
gay lifestyle (i.e., desensitization). In essence, the anonymity of the chat room
allowed the men to explore their sexuality and to find other gay men who were
similar to themselves. This was pivotal for them to gain self-acceptance of their
gay sexuality. It also assisted them in making a stronger commitment to engage
in a gay lifestyle, indicated by their continued on- and future off-line interactions
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with other gay men. The first theme and its emergence from the categories and
coding labels will be discussed below.
1.1 Hey, There’re Other Guys Out There Like Me!
It is important to realize that all the men either thought they were gay or
even felt sure that they were gay before they went online to connect with other
gay men. Some of the men hoped that their feelings were “just a phase,” while
others knew that they were gay yet had no way to make contact with other gay
men in their offline communities. As the men spoke about their early online
exploration it was clear that the combination of reading websites and the ability to
chat with other gay men online allowed the men to label themselves as gay and to
start on the path of self-acceptance. For those who were confused about their
sexuality or who lacked a means to interact with other gay men, finding a gay
world on the Internet in which to participate held several meanings and these are
described below.
Some of the men focused on using the Internet to gain insight into their
same sex feelings and to find out if and where they fit into the gay lifestyle and
did this research by first looking up gay-related topics online. Their online
exploration consisted of searching for a variety of gay resources that included
both organizational and personal websites. The overwhelming consensus was that
the anonymity provided by the Internet was very important for them to take the
first step in doing this research. This sentiment was captured in Cliff’s statement,
“I wouldn't even go to the library and get a book…I had to go somewhere where
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people would not look at me, where I'd feel no pressure at all. That was the best
way for me to come-out.”
Prior to searching online for gay-related information, a common feeling
that the men shared was that of being alone and having no similar others. For
some of the men, reading factual information about gay people posted on websites
led to minor epiphanies that helped them more fully understand their feelings and
to know that they were not alone in how they felt. For instance, Greg said,
I read a lot of statistics. The statistics actually helped me because I'm one
of those people who like wow I'm not alone and all these things were
making sense. I'm like ok I can deal with this for a while. So I was starting
to become a lot more ok with [being gay].
When I asked Greg what kind of information he searched for, he responded, “I
wanted to know like how common it was for there to be gay people.” He was also
curious about gay resources in his community, “…especially for youth who were
gay, `cause that’s who I was.”
Finding factual information online was important. However, most of the
men placed more meaning in reading stories about other gay men’s lives and
experiences. Some of the men talked about “reading other people’s stories,”
posted on personal websites created by gay men, as being important because they
could see the “positive side” of being gay. Marc said, “…[I] started reading their
true stories and I could start picturing things in my head now.” Cliff spoke of
looking at individual’s websites to “read how they felt about [being gay] and stuff
like that.” Cliff, as did the other men, focused on gleaning as much information
about what life was like as a gay person as opposed to reading “a lot of sterile
facts.” Reading gay men’s personal stories posted online allowed them to make
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the connection between themselves and others who identified as gay. Cliff read a
young man’s coming-out story that resulted in the following cumulative epiphany
when he labeled his own feelings as gay:
So I just kind of started doing research and started looking around the
Internet, which was to me the oracle. It knew everything…[the story I
read] was like a guy coming-out…and looked it over and I was like oh my
god this is me right here. During the time before that I never made the
connection. I just was attracted but I didn't put two and two together. I just
didn't think or label the feelings as gay or homosexual or anything like
that. When I saw that website I thought ok this is definitely gay and it's
me.
In essence, reading the personal stories of others allowed the men to vicariously
experience the lives of other gay men, making connections among events in their
own lives and those of the men in the stories.
In addition, other epiphanies resulted from seeing a vast gay presence
online. The men described finding numerous gay oriented websites and great
numbers of gay men in chat rooms “from big cities to small towns.” For example,
Eric described his personal change in how he viewed being gay as a result of
seeing the large numbers of gay men online:
…that’s the first time I think I felt that it wasn’t a defect. That there’s a lot
of people out there who feel the same way that I do. And I didn’t look at it
in such a negative tone anymore. The Internet kind of made me realize, it
all came together because it’s the first time that I looked at being gay in a
light that wasn’t negative…it kind of took that depression away and made
me realize it wasn’t such a bad thing anymore.
Greg added, “and then I saw all these different organizations that were gay-
focused. So if all these people are organizing, they're doing all these things, so
[gay] must have been an acceptable word.” Luke agreed, “If you see one person
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it’s not as reassuring to me...That was definitely a turning point, just the whole
idea of the Internet and the masses of people.”
Another key shift in the men’s concept of what it meant to be gay, which
helped them accept their emerging sexual identities, was the reduction of the
stereotypes that they held towards gay people. After the men had the opportunity
to interact with other gay men in chat rooms, they realized that they were similar
to the gay men with whom they chatted online, and this dispelled many of the
myths that they had heard and believed about gay people. However for a few of
the men, chat room participation reinforced some of the negative stereotypes
about gay men. Greg only felt this way briefly when he said, “At first a lot of it
reinforced some negative stereotypes because the majority of chat rooms are very
sexual in focus.” Eric described how he felt the first time he connected to a gay
chat room, “It was like culture shock. I was looking and reading what some of
these people were saying [explicit sexual dialogue] and I just found it very vulgar
and disgusting and turned it right off. I didn’t want to believe I was like those
people.” After that experience, Eric decided not to chat online and repressed his
sexual feelings towards men for almost three years before he decided to return to
a gay chat room. Upon his return to the chat room he, as did all the men,
eventually was able to connect with gay men who were “worth talking to.” Greg
commented, “I kind of got the idea that there were [gay] people out there who
weren’t bad people…and so I went ok it might not be a bad thing for me to do
then.”
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Indeed, pivotal turning point moments were reached when the men began
to chat with other gay men with whom they could relate. For example, upon
Eric’s return to a gay chat room he described a cumulative epiphany whereby he
self-labeled as gay:
I started talking to other people and realizing there were other gay people
that were like me or that there were other gay people out there…it just all
came together and I said, oh I’m gay. So the Internet is what affirmed it.
That’s what made me come to my senses and brought it to light.
Finding other gay people online with whom they could relate was very
important in reducing gay stereotypes, which in turn, reduced their apprehensions
about the gay lifestyle. For example Cliff said, “`cause in my mind I was
completely stereotyping the gay person. I thought they were all into interior
decorating or something like that…It was just a complete exploration of a whole
group of people.” Luke said, “Just chatting regular stuff at first I got to know that
there were all types of gay people. From people who are in the theater to people
who are firemen…police officers…professors…So that definitely opened me up
to that.” When I asked, “realizing that [gay people] were different, what did that
mean to you?” He responded,
It made me feel good because, especially when I was a really strong

Christian, so many of my peers would be like “that’s gay” or use negative
adjectives. Now it just gives you a defense to that in saying that you guys
are really undereducated to say it because here we have a gay fireman who
obviously could kick your butt. I just felt empowered by knowledge…I
was proud to know that there was such [diversity], [that straight] people
couldn’t [stereotype].
Other men felt the same way, i.e., that online interactions changed their views
about gay people and the self-concept of what it meant to be gay. Dave said,
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I felt better about myself, the situation I was in. I didn't feel as ashamed
about the whole gay lifestyle as much. I still did but not as much, `cause I
was talking to all these people, other gay people. I figured out that they
were the same type of people. `Cause I was getting the picture about sex,
you know the whole lifestyle was surrounded by the whole sexuality. But
it's not like that. It just happens to be one part of your life.
Marc experienced similar changes in the stereotypes he held for gay men
after his participation in a “voyeur cams” website (a pay-per-view website in
which members are able to view real-time video transmissions and the ability to
chat both textually and audio-visually with other members). He was the only
participant who spoke of visiting such a site, in which he was able to view a group
of gay men living together in an apartment. He perceived this to be a valuable
learning experience. “It was really cool `cause then you got to actually see other
gay people online. Really see them…sometimes they’d fool around online. You
see some of these things that were OK, that people would say guys aren’t
supposed to do.”
Finding a “safe place to go” to converse with other gay men was very
comforting to several of the men as others helped them cope with their new and
evolving sexual identities. Kevin said, “It made me feel that I wasn’t the only one
that was gay.” For Greg, “just knowing people that were like really nice and
friendly and that they don't want anything from me, just to talk. It's really helpful,
the socialization process.” Josh agreed that the realization of not being alone was
important, “So when you start hearing other people’s personal experiences you
know that you’re not alone.”
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1.2 Life Will Be OK
A common experience shared by some of the men was that once they
realized that they were gay, they became very apprehensive about their future
lives as gay men. When Eric realized he was gay, he said, “I literally thought that
for the rest of my life I was going to be miserable.” For Cliff, “it was like a ball of
snow just rolling downhill…How am I going to tell my mom?…Like how am I
going to start doing this?” The ability to “talk” with other gay men in chat rooms
and ask questions about gay life was important to reduce their anxieties. Cliff
explained that the ability to connect with other men online was like his
“salvation,” and it resulted in a minor epiphany, "I began to realize that gay
people could live a normal and happy life, and not be miserable the rest of their
life." Dave experienced a similar epiphany when he said:
I remember at first just making conversations about what they do, how
their lives were. I was trying to find out how it was for them. How they
feel with it. Cause I was just totally curious about how it was. I didn't
know anything how it was to be gay. I just wanted to know how it was for
those people. And eventually, just not through chat rooms, but generally I
thought gay people could have happy lives and you know be normal in a
certain way.
By connecting online with other men like himself, Eric understood he

could live a happy life as a gay man. “The more people that I found like me, my
age, that weren’t queens, it started making me feel that I could live a healthy
lifestyle, a happy lifestyle, and not have to be miserable the rest of my life.”
In summary, online research and chat room interactions were pivotal to
many of the men in labeling their feelings as gay, changing the stereotypes held
about the gay lifestyle, and reducing anxieties about gay life. In addition, the men
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became more committed to pursuing a gay life; they became aware of the offline
gay community in which they could now participate by using the chat room as a
way to arrange offline connections (described in the next theme). Greg’s
statement captures many of the men’s feelings and epiphanies in this theme.
I was able to understand that I wasn't alone and being gay wasn't a sexual
thing. I wasn't facing this by myself. And as soon as you start opening
your eyes to being gay and everything like that, you see a lot of things
everywhere. And you can start looking for signs. You can start realizing
and applying it to your own life and seeing what there is in the community
around you.
Theme 2: Finding A Tribe
The second theme, “Finding A Tribe,” concerns the experiences that the
men had as they used chat rooms to establish friendships with other gay men, both
on- and off-line. Finding acceptance and gaining a sense of belonging within a
group of gay men was very important to the men as they were coming-out. Hence,
the term “tribe” is used to convey a feeling the men ascribed to finding other gay
men who supported and accepted them, not only for being gay, but for who they
were as individuals. As the men became more comfortable with chatting online,
they began to trust others and form more meaningful relationships. Some of these
friendships were viewed as helping relationships in that they were able to find
support for their specific issues and concerns as they were coming-out and
experiencing gay life. With the friendships that they developed online, the men
had the benefit and convenience of an online gay “social life.” In addition, the
men used the chat room as a way to make online friends in order to carry those
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friendships offline. Thus, the chat rooms provided a period of time to “transition”
between online interactions and the offline gay community.
2.1 People Are Helpful Online
All the men believed that the ability to reach out and connect with other
gay men was important in helping them deal with the issues they were facing in
their lives. As described in the first theme, the ability to ask questions and find
understanding from other gay men greatly reduced their fears and anxieties about
living unhappily as a gay man. For example Luke said, “Just to have comfort of
having someone there to talk to who is gay and understands...I had that support
for not being alone the second I got into the Internet room.” Cliff said, “Going to
chat rooms and talking to other people was kind of like my therapy and they were
my therapists…Just talking to people that had already dealt with the whole thing
was pretty reassuring to me.”
Several of the men sought the advice and experience of others who had
disclosed their sexual orientation to friends and family. Almost all of the men first
talked online about coming-out before they disclosed their sexual orientation to
anyone offline. Greg said, “I wanted to know how people did it and I wanted to
know how people reacted and things like that.” They asked many questions about
what their relationships were like with their families, and how they told them, and
how they reacted. Dave gave his reason for going online for advice, “I wanted an
insurance policy, to know that [my mother] would still love me…I wanted that
perfect way of going about it, to tell her, to tell my friends, to come-out with the
least amount of shame…I found a lot of good support.” Knowing that others had
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survived and had positive experiences was very comforting. Greg said, “I didn't
feel isolated and I knew other people had come-out and they survived and that it
wasn't a weird thing and it happened to other people.”
It is important to note that even though the men gained support from other
gay men online, they had to learn how to navigate the sexual environment typical
of most gay chat rooms. In fact, the common criticism was the need to learn how
to avoid interacting with men who were just interested in talking about sex acts
and in finding offline sex partners. Some of the men described the changes that
they had seen in the chat room over time. Dave said, “It seems to me now that
most people in chat rooms now have an agenda. A sexual agenda.” Marc agreed,
“…you go into to [the chat room] and all they want to do is have sex or try to
have cybersex. You can’t talk to people anymore. There’s no chat anymore where
you can go get advice or what to do next.” The men described that they quickly
learned how to discern between those men who were only interested in finding
offline sex partners and those who were looking for friendship. They often
learned to take the initiative to keep online sexual solicitations to a minimum. For
example, the men placed annotations by their chat name when logging into a chat
room that they were “only looking for legitimate friends,” as well as avoiding
chatting with men who had sexually explicit chat names and/or personal
descriptors.
Despite the sexual nature of chat rooms, all the men were able to form
significant online friendships. In addition, several of the men spoke of forming
online friendships that were “mentor-like.” These men were often described as
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older or more experienced gay men whom they could “lean on” and depend upon
for advice. The strength of these relationships came from the lack of sexual
advances, which gave the younger men a feeling of security and safety. Forming
relationships with men who had more gay life experience was an opportunity to
learn about the gay lifestyle, including the “gay lingo” (gay terminology). Some
of the younger men admitted that they were often afraid to ask these questions of
other men online, anticipating appearing “stupid” or inadvertently encouraging

unwanted sexual advances.
Several of the men agreed that “listening” to their more experienced
friend’s stories was very helpful. For example, Ian said,
I met people that had been through stuff that I hadn’t been through yet and
they like told me their mistakes to keep me from making them. Like my
older friends I chatted with. So if I had a question or problem or anything
I’d ask them and they tell me this is what happened to me and I’ll like
listen and pull from that.
Luke agreed,
They were more experienced so they were able to answer questions for
me. And I already asked them about their experiences. You know tell me
good things and bad things, both which would make me feel better
because the good things is something that I would look forward and the
bad things were something along the lines of at least I didn’t go through
that. So there were positives to both good and bad stories, so that
encouraged me to feel better about my future in accordance to my family.
In some cases the men arranged to meet their mentors offline. Greg
eventually decided to meet his “older gay friend,” who was 39-years-old, because
he had progressed to a point where he was tired of “passively learning” about gay
life online. This was the first “known” gay person Greg had ever met face-to-face,
and they decided to meet in a local park area in his neighborhood. Greg
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remembered asking lots of questions about gay romantic relationships and was
pleasantly surprised when his online friend brought along his boyfriend. Greg
said:
`Cause it was neat to meet these two guys who are gay, who are not
ashamed of being gay. And that was like really cool. And they just told me
about the relationship that they had. Asked me questions. It was cool
because I was able to meet offline and talk about all these things. And it
was a very safe type of conversation.
Eric was another participant who eventually met his online mentor face-to-
face. For Eric, his mentor relationship “helped create a lot of sanity in my life.”
Eric was able to gain much support, advice, and eventually companionship, in his
early ventures into the gay community. “He made coming-out at the clubs a nicer
experience…He was kind of the one who basically introduced me to the club
scene, the gay world, gay friends. He's the one that introduced me to all of that.”
In addition, the men found meaning when they were able to turn around
and support other gay youth online who were in the process of coming-out. Greg
felt that he had come “full circle,” in that he found himself in the position of the
one providing support, marking his transition from student to teacher. Fred shared
a similar sentiment when he said, “With my experiences I hope I can teach others.
Just like other people have taught me and I have grown.” Helping other gay youth
was part of the tribal experience for many of the men because they could
“definitely relate” and wanted to save other youth from the “pain” and “mistakes”
that they had made when they were coming-out and participating in chat rooms.
The men also were eager to help newcomers to the chat scene (and who were
coming-out) make offline gay friendships, such as informing them of local gay
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youth or university groups, so that they could “get a hold of them early where
they’ll have a warm environment.”
An empowering benefit to the men’s chat room participation was that it
gave the men the opportunity to gain support and advice from other gay men
before entering the offline gay community and to, in time, give support and
advice to others. However, as the men told their stories it became apparent that
one of the most significant meanings that they held for their chat room
participation was that it enabled them to create offline friendship networks,
described in the next category.
2.2 I Met Some of My Best Friends Online
All of the men agreed that one of the greatest benefits of their chat room
participation was that they were able to make online friendships and have a gay
“social life.” Luke said, “I went [online] because I needed a sense of community.
I needed a sense of other people like me…you’re so thrilled to talk to somebody,
to relate to somebody.” Fred said, “All of a sudden I felt like I was the center of
attention…I was just overwhelmed and I wasn’t so lonely. I mean there were
other people out there and they were young.” Indeed, finding an online clique was
a source of strength and support for several of the men especially since many
lived in their parents’ homes, and in rural communities without an opportunity to
meet other gay youth. Marc spoke about the importance of finding acceptance in a
chat room:
Now I was really in a world that I was happy. I was gay. I had friends
online that really liked me for who I was. It was just a total overwhelming
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feeling for me `cause at this point I’ve always been told and had the idea
that I was wrong. Now I was being accepted.
The convenience of being able to connect with a group of friends online
was described by several of the men as a place they could depend upon to “hang
out” as well as receive support. Luke felt that chat rooms supported his coming-
out process, “I went to the Internet because I was in an area that wasn’t very
populated by out people…I was glad that I could go somewhere without driving
very far or having to go to a club or something.” Ian said, “It gave me someone to
talk to when I needed to. Like if I had a problem I didn’t have to walk around
with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would go to chat rooms and tell
my friends about it.”
All the men agreed that one of the more positive outcomes from their chat
room participation was that they were able to establish offline friendships as well
as orchestrate their offline social lives with the friends they made. For example,
the chat room was used to make plans to go dancing, go to the movies, and share
information about gay social functions in their communities. Kevin said, “It
actually allowed for me to have a life and go out and meet other people at other
places besides the computer…Actually having a gay life on my own where I can
go out and explore what's going on.” Even Henry, who began to participate in
chat rooms at the age of seventeen after he knew that he was gay and had begun
to visit gay bars, felt that the chat room was very important for him to make new
friends. Henry said, “It was a way to meet people…I met some of my best friends
[over] the Internet.”
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Indeed, a primary motivator for the men to participate in chat rooms was
to find a group of offline friends. Establishing offline friendship with other gay
men was transformational. For example, some of the men were encouraged by
their online friends to meet at local gay youth organizations and/or university gay
alliances. For Greg, his local gay youth group was his main source of gay
friendship offline and pivotal for his self-acceptance. Greg said,
One of the biggest steps for me accepting myself was going to True
Expressions youth group, for gay lesbian bisexual transgender questioning
youth… It was like wow. There was like 26 people there and it’s just like
huge. There were all these other gay youth and like I was really excited.
They had a dance the next week and I went to that and it was really really
cool.
An important aspect of the chat rooms in making offline friends was that it
reduced many of the anxieties about meeting people offline. Making connections
online also seemed to simplify matters in establishing offline friendships with
others for which there was a feeling of shared admiration. In effect, finding their
online “tribe” gave them time to get acquainted and provided a period of
transition before they ventured out into the offline community. However, the
transition time between first online visit and first offline meeting varied
dramatically. For some men, such as Fred, the transition to meeting online friends
offline was just a matter of “a few days.” Fred explained that the ability to make a
friend online helped him to take the step to go to a gay bar for the first time. His
entry into the offline gay community, and his subsequent participation over time,
dramatically changed how he viewed himself as a gay man:
[The chat room was] a crutch to get [me] into the gay society. I used that
crutch, I walked with it for a few days and it was gone. Look at me now. I
don’t care what you think of me. I will go out in public how I want to go
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out. I will act the way I want to act and if you don’t like it tough shit.
Before I even started on AOL I would have never thought that. I would
have thought I was a piece of shit. Everybody could walk on me and spit
on me. And I was afraid, I was very self-conscious, very insecure about
everything about me. And now I don’t care.
Unlike Fred, most of the other men took longer to make the transition into
offline friendships. For instance, Cliff participated in gay chat room for about a
year before meeting another gay man offline. He reflected on how his chatting
online eased his transition into the offline gay community when he said, “That's
how I started socializing with other people. I think it would have been a lot harder
if I had just been dropped into a gay club. I had to get used to it and that's how I
did it through meeting people online and talking to them.” First making friends
online allowed many of the men to gain a sense of camaraderie that reduced many
of their fears about meeting gay people offline. Luke was online for a semester
while attending college before he ventured into meeting other gay men offline. “I
was initially scared [to meet] but you just learn lingo and you can kind of hear it
in the way people type. You can read what they’re typing, word choice and things
like that…it’s easy to pick out what people want out of you [sex or friendship].”
Ian was also in college when he started making friends online. By the time he
returned home from college during summer break he had already established a
group of close gay friends that he planned to meet face-to-face. Ian said, “…by
the time you get ready to meet them there’s no problem because you know all
about them and everything. They know you too so it’s not a big deal.”
The overwhelming consensus was that the chat room made meeting and
making offline friends with other gay people much easier and possibly even
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accelerated their coming-out process (in terms of becoming involved in the offline
gay community). The chat room enabled the men to make offline friendships and
was the starting point for their offline gay lives. For example Eric said, “My gay
social life started online…That’s how I was able to make friends, was basically
online.” I asked Fred if the Internet accelerated his coming-out process, he
responded, “I think yes, definitely. Otherwise it would have taken forever to meet
people. To have the experiences that I had to get where I am period. Short, sweet
and that definitely helped me get out [to meet other people] quick.”
The above theme represents the similar meanings that the men held
towards their chat room participation as an important social context to establish
both on- and off-line friendship networks as they were coming-out. Each of the
men was able to successfully navigate the oftentimes sexual environment of the
chat room and find a group of gay friends who accepted them for who they were.
By finding a “tribe” to belong to, the men felt better about who they were and
were able to express their thoughts and feelings without censorship. However,
many of the men lived with their parents or with college roommates as they were
venturing into the offline gay community, and this was a major concern for most
of them. Their experiences that specifically relate to their transition from living an
online gay life to entering the offline gay community are described in the next
theme.
Theme 3: Living A Double Life
The third theme, “Living A Double Life,” relates to the experiences the
men had as they used the chat room to manage their gay lives (both on- and off-
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line) and concerns with self-disclosure of their sexual orientation to family and
“straight” friends. One of the biggest concerns was whether their family and
friends would accept them for being gay. Their concern was complicated by the
fact that all of the men lived at home or with college roommates at the same time
they began to explore the offline gay world. Hence, the men took extreme caution
in hiding their online activities as they used the chat room to stay connected with
gay friends and to orchestrate their offline gay lives. In fact, all the men had either
ventured out from behind the computer screen into offline interactions with other
gay men and/or had participated in the offline gay community prior to their chat
room experience, before they told their parents that they were gay. The same
trend was true with regard to disclosing their sexual orientation to a straight friend
(i.e., non-gay, non-family member). Fred and Henry were the only men who
disclosed to a friend that they were gay prior to their chat room participation. The
ability to live a gay life apart from their straight life seemed to be a necessary step
for them in the exploration of their sexuality and in the process of becoming
confident gay men. However, since many of the men lived at home, hiding their
gay life was a considerable stressor and in some instances led to crisis moments
when they were “outed” by their online activities. Thus, their experiences with
living a double life coalesced around the following two categories: “living a
double life is stressful” and “being outed as a consequence of living a double
life.”
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3.1 Living a Double Life is Stressful
Most of the men lived at home and often shared a family computer, when
they first started logging online to connect with the virtual gay world. Most took
extreme caution to keep their online activities secret from others and were fearful
of discovery. Aware that web browsers keep a log of the most recent websites
visited (i.e., cached memory) they would visit “a million other sites” to make sure
the browser log contained no addresses to gay websites. One participant’s fear of
a family member finding a link to a gay website actually served as a barrier to
visiting gay websites and thus restricted his online activities to chat rooms.
Simply having a computer with Internet access did not remove all the
emotional barriers that were involved in searching for gay-related information and
connecting with gay men. Greg vividly remembered his fear of being caught
online and would often log online late at night when his family was asleep. He
described the tension between his self-acknowledgement of being gay with
disclosing his orientation to others:
So it was during this time [online] that I identified gay to myself. I could
mentally say to myself “I'm gay.” I didn't say it out loud because that
meant it was true beyond a matter of a doubt. I can't go back. I knew I was
but I didn't want to be stuck with that as my only option…just kind of
living with the whole, “I can't let anyone know.” I was very, very scared
of letting anyone know.
As described previously, the time the men spent online was an important
coping and social outlet. In essence, they could live a gay life online while
maintaining a “straight life” offline. This gave them a period of time to explore
their sexuality and develop a more self-actualized gay identity. The men had an
outlet to express themselves and they often spent hours online each day. Dave
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commented, “…it was very important because obviously I spent so much time
online. I spent hours and hours over days chatting online. It was such an integral
part of my lifestyle back then.” For some of the men the amount of time that they
spent online took away from other aspects of their lives. Dave later added,
“…honestly I thought I was addicted to the Internet, the chat rooms and stuff like
that. I would get on the Internet every free moment I had, to the extent it was
jeopardizing a little bit of my studies.” His “addiction” was also experienced by

some of the other men. It seemed that the chat room was a way to escape from the
straight into a gay world where they could express their true feelings. Greg
explained that going online was an escape which caused him eventually to
become introverted for a period of time, “and I was really really tired all the time.
I would go on[line] late at night and I would go on for hours and hours...I would
not go out with friends and stuff like that on the weekends so that I could go
online…”
Most of the men did not mention any problems with the amount of time
that they spent online. However, many agreed that the time they spent online
decreased when they had a group of offline friends, either gay or straight, who
accepted them for being gay. Thus, finding an offline “tribe” often changed the
men’s relationship with the Internet and chat rooms. For example when I asked
Greg “what kind of snapped you out of [spending so much time online]?” He
responded:
After [my friends] knew about my sexuality I was online a lot less. A lot
less. Like as soon as I came out…And after people knew I really didn’t
have to hide anything. I didn’t have to live vicariously through the
Internet. And I could express that part of me all the time.
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At the time of the interviews, all but two of the men had disclosed their
sexual orientation to a parent, and all had disclosed to at least one straight friend.
In addition, all the men came out to a close friend before telling a parent. After
spending a period of time living a gay life offline (mediated via the chat room) it
became more difficult to hide their gay lives from their family and friends. Most
of the men eventually progressed to a point at which they desired to disclose their
sexuality to family and friends. Indeed, one of the major turning points in the
men’s lives was telling a parent and/or close friends that they were gay. The men
spoke about the transformation that occurred after they came out to friends and
family as “a weight had been lifted off my shoulders” and of becoming “a much
happier person.”
The time frame in which the men decided to disclose their sexual
orientation to others varied. Josh had been meeting men offline for about a year
before he told his straight girlfriend, who was his roommate, that he was gay. “I
personally think [the Internet] helped me come to terms or helped me decide to
tell somebody.” Luke described one of the “biggest milestones” in his life as
coming-out to his three college roommates. He described an “amazing feeling”
when his roommates accepted him for who he was. He said they were very
understanding and, in fact, were instrumental in supporting him to be more open
about his sexuality with other college friends. All the men in this study had
positive experience when they disclosed to their straight friends.
For those men who either self-disclosed or who were outed by their online
activities to a parent, all but two of the men reported that their parents were
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initially accepting and supportive (discussed in the next category). Two of the
participants had not yet disclosed their sexual orientation to a family member. For
Josh, choosing not to tell his parents did not seem to be much of an issue since he
was living away from home at college. However, for Alex, the issue of hiding his
sexuality and his offline gay life from his father was a source of constant stress in
his life. “And it's definitely a crisis. I don't like hiding the fact that I'm gay.” One
period of time was particularly stressful for Alex. He used e-mail and a chat room
while living at home as the primary means to communicate, maintain, and keep
secret from his father an offline sexual relationship with two older men and his
gay offline friendships. Alex described:
All those things were just tearing my mind apart really. How do I keep it
hidden from dad and how do I keep this [sexual relationship] I have going
with the couple and how can I meet other friends...And my dad is getting
suspicious about where I'm going and things like that. It was a rough time.
Even though Alex has learned a great deal about how to manage his
offline gay life via the Internet, his stressful home life continues because he is
afraid that his father will eventually find out he is gay. He continues to use the
chat room to manage his offline gay life and wonders if he will ever be able to tell
his father.
As mentioned previously, all the men had used the chat room as a means
to enter into offline relationships before they came out to their parents and/or
friends. It was reassuring for me to hear that most of the men who had told their
parents that they were gay had positive experiences. In some instances it was the
participant who chose to disclose the information. This was the case for Brian,
Cliff, Dave, Fred, Greg, and Henry. For instance, Henry described being raised in
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a very liberal family and knowing that coming-out to them was not an issue, “my
life was wholeheartedly unaffected by it. It was a much bigger deal to me than it
was for my parents, my sister.” The other men described being more apprehensive
about the consequences of self-disclosure. Some parents were more emotional and
concerned than others with the revelation that their sons were gay, but all were
soon accepting and supportive for who they were.
In other instances, the men were discovered directly as a result of their

online activities or indirectly due to the gay lives they were leading offline. For
Marc and Luke, their online activities outed them to their parents. For Eric, Ian,
and Kevin, their offline lives, orchestrated via the chat room while living at home,
created scenarios that served as a catalyst for self-disclosure. The issue of being
outed with regard to chat room participation is discussed in the following
category.
3.2 Being Outed as a Consequence of Living a Double Life
This category, “Being Outed as a Consequence of Living a Double Life,”
concerns the experiences and crisis moments that arose when some of the men’s
parents found out that they were gay due to either their on- or off-line lives as
they managed a “double life.” For Luke, Ian, and Eric, being “found out” was of
little consequence and was actually a liberating experience. However, for Marc
and Kevin, the experience was devastating and led to personal crises. The stories
of these five men are summarized below.
Luke was living at home while attending college when his mother found a
gay website on the family computer and directly asked him if he was gay. He
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pondered if he left the gay website open for her to find on purpose. “Because I
figured if she found out more indirectly she’d be more passive about it…That it
would make things easier. And I think I did that accidentally and it wasn’t until
afterwards that I realized oh well so much the better.” Ian and Eric were “outed”
due to the offline relationships they orchestrated via the chat room. In Ian’s case,
his mother asked him if he was gay because she noticed a change in his behavior
after he made gay friends offline. Ian said, “she sniffed me out.” “Tell me about
that,” I asked. Ian responded,
She, I guess, started to notice…I was going out and stuff and had a bunch
of new friends. So I guess she looked through my things to make sure
everything was ok or whatever. She found all the Watermarks [local gay
publication] and you know magazines and stuff like that. Nothing nasty or
nothing just stuff to read. So she asked me about it.
Interviewer - Was it a good experience, bad experience?
It was good. It was good. She said she knew since I was four and that kind
of thing.
Most of the men believed that their parents would accept them for being
gay. However, two of the participants firmly believed that their families would
not be accepting. For Marc and Kevin, negative familial views regarding
homosexuality and cultural background played a significant role in shaping their
fears of coming-out to their family. They explained that hearing gay jokes and
slurs, a religious upbringing, and family expectations of “carrying on the family
name” all contributed to their apprehensions of ever coming-out to family.
Marc described growing up in a “close-knit” family and being “scared to
death of being disowned.” However, despite his fears, and while living at home,
Marc found his way online where he began to explore his sexuality and made
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online friendships with other gay men. He also created a website in which he
expressed many of his gay feelings, which also served as a way for him to
establish connections and communicate with online friends. Living in a small
rural town, the Internet was the only way that he felt safe enough to connect with
other gay men. However one eventful day, he forgot to close his website page
when he momentarily walked away from the family computer. His mother
“decided to be nosey,” found his opened personal webpage, and immediately

burst into tears. “And I freaked out really bad,” he said. In retrospect, “I think in a
sense that I wanted her to find it so that’s why I left it open. Cause I was at the
point where I was starting to change. I was becoming more, wanting to get out
and enjoy instead of being closeted.” They both agreed not to tell his father in fear
that he would throw him out of the house. Now that his mother knew, he became
worried that everyone in his family and “sticksville” town would soon know he
was gay. The stress in Marc’s life continued to build as he balanced his desire to
create an offline gay life by meeting his online gay friends face-to-face with his
fear of being found out and disowned by his father. The stress ultimately led to an
epiphany that tipped the scale for him to decide to meet an online friend in Texas
face-to-face. He said,
At this point I knew I was gay and I had nothing to lose. Cause I was at a
point I was feeling so much hate inside, so dark, so lonely, so empty, that I
was at a point where I wanted to die. I could stay here and just keep hating
myself and doing something stupid or I can jump on a plane and if it
crashes what do I have to lose? At least I don’t do it myself. At this time I
had no fear.
After he began to secretly arrange a trip to Texas, Marc’s father soon
became suspicious after his friend with a “fem voice” started calling the house.
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His father questioned his mother about what was going on and she “caved in.”
After his father knew he was gay, Marc said, “…he wanted me to leave, he
wanted me to change my name, I had to get out of the house.” His mother insisted
that he remain at home. Notwithstanding the tension that remained between him
and his father, he felt a huge relief. “I had a new sense of freedom because all this
pent-up stuff I had inside, all these walls just came crumbling down now and I felt
like a whole load of bricks were just taken off my chest.”

In a short period of time after his parents knew he was gay, his life began
to dramatically change. He began to explore the offline gay world by meeting
other gay men that he first met online for friendship as well as sexual encounters.
However for Marc, the combination of a stressful home life, trying to find a gay
“tribe” in his community, and his early and unfulfilling same sex experiences led
to his severe depression and a suicide attempt:
I started to get to a point where I was suicidal. In fact what happened, I

took a wine glass [making a cutting motion across his wrists] thirty-two
times. And the next day my mother took me to the psychologist [who] told
me what was wrong [later explained as depression resulting in a “chemical
imbalance”]. And gave me medicine, thankfully.
Since the suicide attempt, Marc is doing much better; he has moved out of his
parents’ house. He has made a few close gay friends in his community and has
regained a loving and supportive relationship with his parents.
Kevin knew that he was gay at the age of seventeen when he embarked on
a four-year relationship with a man that he had met online. Being raised in a
Hispanic-Catholic household he believed that his family would not accept his
homosexuality, and he married at the age of eighteen, in part to eliminate any
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suspicions that he was gay. Kevin continued to live a double life and continued
his relationship with his twenty-four-year-old lover while he was married and
living in his mother’s home. E-mail and the chat room were his communication
lines. Kevin never disclosed his sexual orientation to anyone, but his mother had a
“premonition” that he was in love with a man and confronted him about it. “I
cried. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t say anything.” Confirming that
his mother’s premonition was true he was at a loss of what to do and where his
life would lead. “It’s hard when you live in a household that doesn’t accept it.
Especially when you come from a large family.” The stress of his mother’s
finding out was so overwhelming for him that he contemplated committing
suicide:
It's wasn't so much me upsetting my wife as it was me upsetting my

mother. Here I was her only son. She had all these expectations of me, of
her expecting grandchildren from me. At one point I decided to actually
commit suicide. I actually did.
He sought the counsel of a close friend, a priest, who was able to change
his mind. “If it wasn’t for that, I would have.” The exposure of his secret resulted
in a major epiphany when he decided to move away from home in search of a new
life:
It comes to a point where you want to commit suicide or just leave. And I
just decided to leave. I decided to pick up everything and leave at 4
o’clock in the morning. It’s kind of hard. Now I’m 22 so everything is
behind me and thank God I’ve got a lot of years left.
Since disclosing his sexual orientation and moving away from home to
Florida, Kevin has become very close with his mother, and immediate family. In
fact, his mother has actually moved in with him in Florida.
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It was apparent that part of living a double life involved matters of the
heart. The chat room context opened up a new world in which the men were able,
often for the first time, to freely express their affection and sexual desire to other
men. Since they had very few opportunities to find gay men in their communities
to date, the chat room held significant meaning in that it removed many of the
barriers to find other men with whom they could become romantically involved.
As described above, some of the men’s romances were initiated and maintained
via the Internet, and in some cases actually led to scenarios that outed them to
their parents. However, the overwhelming consensus was that the chat room was
an important context that enabled them to search for romantic relationships. Both
their online chat room experiences in their search for love and offline romantic
and sexual relationships were viewed as learning experiences and are described in
the following theme.
Theme 4: Learning about Myself and Gay Men in the Search for Love
The fourth theme, “Learning about Myself and Gay Men in the Search for
Love,” concerns the men’s experiences as they used the chat room to search for
romantic relationships with other men. In the context of their experiences, “love”
referred to their desire to make an emotional-sexual connection; a love that
extended beyond the mere desire for sexual gratification. By participating in chat
rooms, the men wanted to find other men who accepted them as romantically
desirable. In their search for love, many lessons were learned that shaped how the
men understood themselves and shaped their attitudes toward gay men and
romantic relationships. On one hand, the chat room provided the men a means to
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express their romantic and sexual feelings for and to other men, often for the first
time. In addition, the men used the chat room as a tool to find other men whom
they could meet offline to date and with whom they could fall in love. However,
many of the men felt rejected by men that they met on- and off-line via the chat
room because they were not the “perfect gay man.” The men felt that the
anonymous and sexual environment of the chat room supported a cultural norm to
frankly convey romantic disinterest due to physical traits. This perpetuated the
attitude for some of the participants that gay men only wanted sex and romance
with men who conformed to an idealized physical body image. The men’s
experiences in their search for love, romantic acceptance, and subsequent sexual
encounters led to personal epiphanies of greater self-acceptance, independent of
how they perceived other gay men viewed them.
4.1 Bridging the Gap Between Sex and Love
An important epiphany for both Brian and Greg occurred early in their
journies towards self-acceptance and happened when they bridged the gap
between sex and love. Brian, now twenty-six, had begun having sex with men in
public sex venues at the age of fourteen. During high school he was nearly raped
on two different occasions. These events resulted in a greater disconnect between
his feelings of love and his feelings of sexual attraction to other men. “I would
still have sex with guys but never emotionally. I didn't want to love the guy; I just
wanted to have sex.” He tried to submerge his sexual desires and started to date a
girl in high school, but felt that he was living a lie as he continued to have sex
with men. It was during this time that he started using the Internet to search for
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answers, and this led to a minor epiphany. He said, “I was reading about a gay
couple online…I saw a gay couple and I told myself ‘that's what I really wanted.’
I didn't see myself with a girl.” Reading the story was a turning point in that he
became more open to finding romantic meaning in his sexual desires for other
men. Soon after, his girlfriend told him that she loved him, which made him feel
“torn.” Not being able to reciprocate her love he felt he could “no longer live a
lie.” He said, “I talked with God and said, ‘Hey God I can't go on living like this.
I have to know if I'm gay…God you have to give me some kind of sign. You have
to show me who I am.’” Soon after, Brian met another young man who later
became his first boyfriend. For the first time he felt “liked” by another man,
which led to the following epiphany:
That was pretty much the day that I realized that I was gay…That’s the
first time that I felt somebody liked me. The first time I felt somebody
liked me [and was] not just interested in getting sex, but someone
interested in me as a whole...Then I realized that I was in love with him.
For the first time I went to counseling. I went to therapy. The therapist
helped me come to terms with it better. I was able to tell my best friend,
my ex-girlfriend. And then eventually my family. I started [to become]
somewhat proud of who I am.
Even though Brian did not meet his boyfriend as a direct consequence of chatting
online, his experience does convey the importance of love for individuals who are
coming to terms with their gay sexuality.
Luke experienced a similar feeling meeting someone from a chat room, “I
met my first boyfriend…he was the first guy I felt something more than sex…It
was the first time I dated someone and felt a significant hook, and that felt really
special to me.” Indeed, several of the men spoke of love being fostered via the
chat room. Prior to conducting this study, I believed that the opportunity for
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young men to establish online romantic relationships would be an important
shared experience among the men. However, only Marc and Brian specifically
spoke of their experiences with online romance.
Marc’s first love, before he ventured offline, was with another young man
he had met online. Marc said, “That was my first type of relationship where it was
online or not. Most people think that it’s stupid but when you don’t know
anything, you’re from a small community, where there’s no other people, you
take what you can get.” Greg also felt that his two online romances helped him
move toward greater self-acceptance. “It was just chatting all the time and e-
mailing and saying that I like you or that I love you.” For the first time he was
able to experience a romantic and emotional connection with another man that
was more than just sexual. He explained that he was always fearful of showing
emotion towards other boys in his “straight life” because people might suspect
that he was gay, but online, “I could talk to them and say I loved them. I could
kind of let out the emotions that I kept bottled up inside of me.” I then asked him
about the gradual shift in his thinking about his sexual orientation. He said, “I
think a lot of the shift came when I stopped sexualizing being gay.” Greg had
always sexualized his attraction and prior physical contact towards other men, but
his online romances allowed him to make an emotional connection that resulted in
a minor epiphany:
Where [being gay] was more [than] about men just having sex. Where I
actually experienced more of the emotional side of it, and thinking OK
that that's actually an alternative. Because up to that point I was thinking
you couldn't actually have a relationship with a man because the majority
of the men I knew sucked…There were a few that primarily picked on me
and I didn't trust straight men at all.
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So you realized that wasn't all men?
Yeah. I was actually like wow. The gay men I know online are totally
different and so I think I could have a relationship with one of those
guys…I think that was one of the key shifting points where I started
saying ‘OK I can emotionally be with someone. I really want to kiss
someone.’
4.2 After Sex I Had No More Doubt
Prior to chat room participation, some of the men experienced same-sex
sexual contact with other men as they were growing up but often considered these
sexual encounters as “playing around.” However, once they self-labeled as being
gay, same sex contact took on a different meaning and served as a significant
turning point moment in many of their lives. Nine of the thirteen men reported
that their first same-sex sexual encounter was with someone they had first met
online. Thus, the chat room held significant meaning in the men’s lives in that it
reduced many of the obstacles that they faced in finding other gay men with
whom they could explore their sexual desires.
An important aspect of being able to participate in chat rooms as a way to
find their first same-sex partners was that it afforded them the opportunity to chat
and to establish a level of emotional intimacy before deciding to engage in sexual
activity. I gained a sense from the men’s stories that most were looking for more
than sexual gratification and were often disappointed when their first sexual
encounter left them feeling emotionally unfulfilled. Cliff described one of his
biggest turning points as when he was able to meet another young gay man offline
in his small rural community. “Well just finding somebody in the same town and
you know the same age, same interests, wanted to meet together, that type of deal.
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That was a big turning point.” I asked him what his first sexual experience had
meant to him and he responded, “I fell in love with it. I wanted to do it more. And
that was just like OK, I’m gay, that’s it. There’s no doubt now.”
Luke described his first sexual experience as “overly exciting” in that he
knew he wanted to experience sex with another guy but he was unsure of what
gay sex entailed. He was also fearful of “psychos” but he came to the point after
spending time chatting online with other men, talking about sex, where he felt like
he had to experience physical contact with another man to learn more about his
sexuality. After spending some time in the chat rooms he commented, “I knew
that there was all this lingo on the Internet with top and bottom and I didn’t know
anything and I wanted to see who I was I guess, finally.” Luke continued, “It was
the start of a learning experience, a beginning to come to grips with myself…on
the outside it was subtle but [on] the inside it was pretty big.” Other men spoke of
the profound changes that occurred once they had sex with a man for the first
time. Alex still remembered the exact date when he had his first same-sex sexual
encounter. He met someone online with whom he had “good demeanor,” and they
agreed to meet offline. Alex said,
So I went over to his place and it happened…I don’t know how to describe
it, with out sounding very raunchy, but it blew my mind. Wow, this is
what I want. I’ve never had sex with a woman, don’t have a desire to, but
you know here’s this guy you know giving me a blow job and it’s like oh
my god. So that kind of, that along with other things, told me yeah I’m gay
and I don’t think that’s going to change.
Thus, an important turning point in the lives of some of the men was when
they were able to use the chat room to arrange offline sexual encounters with
other men, which helped resolve any remaining doubts that they were gay.
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4.3 Send Me Your Picture and Maybe I’ll Talk to You
During the timeline exercise I neglected to ask the men about their first
offline romantic relationships with men as they were coming-out. However,
during the interviews the topic naturally surfaced as several of the men discussed
their experiences and desires to meet boyfriends via the chat room. In fact, all of
the men, except for Ian, said that they used the chat room in hopes of making a
romantic connection. Even for Ian there was the potential of an offline meeting
turning into more, “…but if something happened after we met [offline] then that’s
OK.” It is important to note that while several of the men had considered
themselves to have had experienced a “significant relationship,” others had never
experienced such a connection with another man. However, the common meaning
that tied all the men’s experiences together, regardless of prior significant
relationships, was that they all desired to fall in love with someone. It was this
desire to love and be loved that was a significant motivator for the men to
participate in chat rooms.
The experience that most of the men shared was using the chat room as a
way to find a boyfriend. Many of the men actually achieved their goal of meeting
someone from online who became their “first boyfriend.” The men viewed these
early romances as learning experiences. For example, Dave met his first boyfriend
online, which ended after he realized that, for his boyfriend, the relationship was
“purely sexual.” Feeling emotionally rejected, Dave said,
It kind of discouraged me for a while because I thought this was the way
[gay relationships were] going to be…`Cause I kind of wanted a
relationship…I wanted things to progress. His response to me was, ‘Well
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you just don’t understand what it is to be gay.’ Those were his exact
words!
As with David, most of the men’s first experiences with romance were
fleeting and many agreed with the idea that “The first boyfriend wasn’t a good
relationship, it was a good learning experience - which is positive in itself…It
helped me understand more of what I wanted.” However for a few of the
participants, their unsuccessful search for romance online led to feelings of

dejection that strongly marked their lives.
The disheartenment that a few of the men felt, in part, was attributed to the
emotional rejection they received both on- and off-line from other gay men as
they searched for love. To more fully understand the men’s experience of
rejection, it is important to realize that the cultural norm of a chat room is to
exchange pictures of oneself along with physical descriptions, particularly with
others who show romantic interest. I have come to describe this phenomenon as,
“send me your picture and maybe I’ll talk with you.” All the men experienced this
phenomenon of exchanging pictures, describing themselves to other men in chat
rooms, along with the scary expectation of being accepted or rejected by the
person on the other side. However, the caveat of this form of exchange is that
with the veil of anonymity that exists in a chat room, individuals can be
unrestrained in their comments. They are often insensitive, if not cruel, to others’
feelings.
The rejection that many of the men experienced was most often based on
their physical appearance. Some men never experienced rejection and were
actually pursued for their attractiveness. However, most experienced some type of
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rejection due to their physical attractiveness. In most circumstances the men were
not thwarted by online rejection, a reaction typified by, “you can’t look at
rejection as a personal slap in the face…it has more to do with them.” But for a
few of the men, constant rejection was very hurtful, and this shaped their attitudes
about themselves and other gay men. For example Henry said, “I think personally
I’ve experienced more hate from other gay men than straight society as a whole. I
think the prejudices and the pressure that other gay men put on each other is
twenty times worse than what society puts on you.” When I asked him to explain,
he replied,
I’m not one of these guys that will go to the gym for four hours a day and
have this perfect body...And it’s very disheartening to me. Especially on
the Internet. You send them your picture…and people will start talking to
me based on the facial picture. And then I’ll have people say to me that, ‘I
didn’t know you were that fat.’ Met me [offline] and say, ‘I didn’t know
you were that fat!’ Well I don’t think I’m fat by any means. And, ‘I think
that you have the greatest personality but you’re just not physically what
I’m looking for.’ And I think you receive more of that kind of hate and
that throws you into a back-spin, more so than anything that straight
society can do to you.
Fred had also experienced the same type of rejection, “People will say let’s meet,
let’s date, so if you’re not everything they expect you to be they’ll drop you like a
cold, a bad habit.” Brian’s deafness was also an issue in being rejected online as
he searched for love, “…we would talk and I would say ‘I'm deaf.’ Either they
would leave or I would say, ‘hello are you still there?’ And they wouldn't be there
anymore.”
Most of the men who experienced emotional pain as a result of on- and
off-line rejection seemed to be resilient and viewed their experiences as important
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learning moments. Fred said, “There were a lot of hurtful times...But like I said I
wouldn’t trade it for the world…I’ve grown tremendously and I like who I am and
what I am. If you don’t, tough.” When I asked Fred to describe the personal
change that he experienced from feeling bad to feeling good about himself, he
said:
…I started getting to the point, you know, I don’t care what you think
about me. I am good looking. I may not be the thinnest man but I’m not
like an obese ogre…But if you can’t meet me and like what you see or like
what you meet, if it’s all based on your opinion on what I look like…I
don’t want to become your friend. I don’t want anything to happen.
Brian was another one of the men who gained a great deal of insight from
his online experiences of rejection in his search for love. Brian’s deafness was a
major concern for him when he first began to chat with other gay men. As a result
of his online rejection he would often pretend to be able to hear in order to find
someone to accept him, if only on a sexual level. He stated a cumulative epiphany
of greater self-acceptance as follows:
But over time I became frustrated because I wasn't telling the truth. I
started to develop an attitude where I don't care what they think of me. So
I told them that I was deaf, I don't care. I'm not wasting my time. There
were times when I told guys that I was deaf and they told me that they
didn't care that made me feel good. That feels good when a guy asks me
more about me. I would tell them that I was deaf and if they don't answer I
don't care. It's not my loss.
4.4 Finding Sex Is Easier Than Finding Love
Brian, Fred, and Henry also spoke of their disheartenment in terms of not
being able to find a long-lasting relationship from the chat room, which in their
experience resulted in numerous “tricks” (sex-only encounters). Casual sex was
not what they were searching for, but it was something for which they often
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would settle. This contributed to the discontentment in their lives. Henry said, “I
was looking for what everybody wants. To fall in love. To meet a guy…you start
meeting people and think that it could lead to something.” Brian expressed his
confusion between his search for love and casual sexual encounters,
I was wanting to have sex but at the same time I was looking for someone
to be interested in me. That's how I felt when I was going on. `Cause they
tell me, wow you are beautiful, very attractive. But because I can't hear,
sometimes they were like, ‘OK I still want to have sex with you I don't
care about you being deaf.’ And whenever I had sex after that I had to
prove to that person that I'm capable of having good sex, better than the
hearing people. It’s kind of bizarre but if I had sex then something would
come-out of it, maybe a relationship would come-out of it. But I was
wrong every time.
Fred expressed similar confusion when he said, “The major thing I was
looking for was a relationship...Never found one. I always had people asking me,
‘oh you looking for a quickie?’ and sure enough I always went for that quickie
because it was easier to get that then it was finding a relationship.”
It seemed apparent that for Brian, Fred, and Henry, their search for love
via the chat room shaped their attitudes about gay men and relationships. Fred’s
view about gay men changed, “I’ve realized, in the gay society…they are all
about the quickie thing, just getting it off.” Brian’s view of gay men also was
shaped by his online experiences:
The gay community, the majority of them, have this vision. They want the
perfect someone. Someone beautiful, someone who is attractive, someone
who's good at having sex, someone who's smart, someone who wants
more from life. I have all those qualities but I'm deaf. That is stuff that
they can't accept. They have to have someone perfect that's in love with
them.
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As Fred continued to talk about his frustrations around romance, I noticed
a duality in the way he expressed his emotion. On one hand he projected a self-
assured image, but on the other hand, he seemed wounded and reactive with
regard to gay relationships. He said, “But as far as I’m concerned, I’m over men
period, at least gay men at least. I want nothing to do with them. I never want to
have a relationship.” He later added, “I’ve been shit on pretty much so bad by so
many gay people I figure, I told my friends, I’ll be single the rest of my life.”
The men also began to question the purpose of the chat room in their lives.
Brian, Fred, and Henry all have decided to no longer pursue love through the use
of chat rooms, rarely choosing to chat online. Henry’s recent turning point
moment came when he realized, “There was no substance to my life,” and how
his “past mistakes” were the cause for his inability to have a long lasting romantic
relationship. He said, “I guess you realize the things you screwed up along the
way. And that was the biggest, that was the significant turning point in my life.” I
asked him how he thought the chat room “screwed up” his life, he responded,
“You always thought there was someone better out there…it made sex too
easy…it’s too easily accessible.” He added:
And you stop and wonder what’s the point to it? What do you get out of
it? You walk away from these experiences with nothing positive. I would
say 95% of them I didn’t enjoy. You met these people for sex. You have
sex with them. And as soon as you “cum” I didn’t even want to be with
[them]. I didn’t even want to look at them. The quickest I could get my
clothes and get the hell out of there is what I wanted. Don’t touch me,
don’t look at me, don’t say a word to me, I want to go.
As he further articulated his turning point, “Everything just went into perspective.
I took a different turn if you will and things became differently important,” which
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resulted in his decision not to return to the chat room in search of love and to
focus his energy on fostering relationships with family and friends.
In the process of conducting the interviews I became quite saddened when
I heard the men speak about their discontent in searching for romance. Most of
the men spoke of their frustration in finding love. However, it was obvious that
some had more positive outlooks than others. I could relate to their experiences
and how they were feeling as I reflected back on my own coming-out process and
search for love. I wanted to console them and tell that their perceptions on gay
romantic relationships will change as they grew older, gathering more life
experiences, and that they will eventually find love. But would they? Loneliness
relating to the search for a romantic partner is an issue with which many of the
men continue to struggle. Kevin said, “Some of the issues that I’m dealing with is
one, being lonely. My issue of being lonely. My issue of, hey, do I know exactly
what I’m looking for?” Brian also expressed similar issues, “I don't feel bad about
being gay now. Sometimes I feel lonely. I don't understand why I'm lonely…I'm
craving to have gay male friends, well a boyfriend. The time will come.”
4.5 Gay Men Will Take Advantage of You
Each participant was asked to tell stories that reflected “negative” face-to-
face encounters with the men they met from chat rooms as they were coming-out.
Ten of the thirteen men reported that they never experienced a negative face-to-
face encounter. However, the most common complaint voiced was meeting
someone who exaggerated or lied about their physical appearance or age while
chatting online. For example Luke said, “Never really had a bad offline
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interaction before. That guy was just disgusting-looking.” Kevin commented, “I
had a lot of instances of a lot of people telling me how they look and ended up
being a different way.” Part of the chat room experience was learning how to
navigate past the deception of others. The men quickly learned gay men online
could be manipulative and deceptive. Alex said, “You’ve got the good, you’ve got
the evil….that’s one thing that I had to learn when I first started chatting. Not
everybody is out there to be your best buddy, to work to your benefit or anything
like that.” Kevin agreed, “I learned a lot of people don’t go by honesty...And
again those are not bad experiences but are experiences that you learn.”
As described earlier, several of the men used the chat room as a way to
find their first sexual partner. Prior to this study, I believed that the potential for
abuse or sexual coercion of young men who are coming-out through the use of
chat rooms was high. In fact, three of the men told stories of feeling manipulated
due to their inexperience; each of which resulted in scenarios of being pressured
into sexual encounters by older, more experienced gay men they met from chat
rooms. In these instances, described below, it was apparent the men did indeed
lack the confidence and skills to negotiate sexual interactions with other gay men.
Alex described one such instance when he agreed, against his better
judgment, to go back to the apartment after a date with someone he met online.
He told the following story about the experience which happened early in his
dating career:
He took me into his bedroom and tried to strip me, and that’s when I
started to resist a little bit. I didn't say, NO STOP, but I really didn't want
to say that. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I showed him by actions,
this is not something that I want to do…he started to have oral sex with
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me, gave me a blowjob. I didn’t want this to happen, but I didn't want to
say no. I was afraid I was going to break his heart. I was going to hurt his
feelings. I went on with it and that's the only thing he did. The only thing I
let him do put it that way. After that I just got up and got out of there…I
didn't know how to tell him without causing some kind of confusion or
problems.
Did it change your view about gay life and gay men?
It gave me a negative perspective especially when it first happened. I

knew that [meeting men from online] was and is a lot of promiscuity…It
seems that it is so concentrated with gay men they just want to have [sex].
They can't live without getting [sex]. They'll go to any measure to get
[sex]. And it's that kind of view on things that I had that gave me a
negative outlook and even to this day.
Marc was the other young man who was sexually coerced by someone he
had met online. This event occurred as he was beginning to venture out and make
offline friends in his community. He was also becoming more curious about anal
intercourse and was persuaded to have sex with an older “friend” that he had
recently met online. He described visiting this man at his home, “I was put into
this situation where he kind of forced himself on me. That kind of hurt…I was
very low [dealing with personal problems coming-out to my parents] and he knew
it. So my first time was basically forced…I felt like it was my fault, like I brought
it on. I felt so bad about myself and so down.”
Fred had a similar experience in which he found himself at an older man’s
home because he was feeling lonely and was looking for friendship. He said, “He
starts kissing me and touching me. It’s not like I ever said no but you know I felt
odd for being over there in the first place.” He continued to tell the story of how
he felt like he had to have sexual intercourse with the man, whom he later found
out, was HIV positive. That experience, even though a condom was used, changed
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his view about looking for companionship on AOL. “That’s when I started
realizing everybody on AOL isn’t that truthful…I realized that you just have to
take it for what it is, it’s just games. It’s the AOL game. But you know it took a
hard lesson. I finally got it into my head, so I don’t look off of AOL for
anything.”
It was precisely these hard lessons from their search for romantic love that
motivated many of the men to participate in the study. The men hoped that their
stories would somehow help young gay men learn from their experiences. Each
participant was asked, “What advice would you give to a young man who turns to
a gay chat room as he is coming-out?” Henry voiced this warning for gay youth,
“Most of the time it’s sex. And that’s what they’ll try and get to. So they’ll say
whatever they have to say.” Henry said, “They make you feel attractive or they
tell you what you want to hear to get to their goal. But once their goal is done is
when you realize it was all just bullshit to get to where they wanted to be.”
SUMMARY
What my study has shown is that Internet chat rooms are an important
social context in which the men were able to search for self-acceptance and for
acceptance from other gay men. The chat room allowed the men to transcend
many of their psychological and social barriers in order to construct both on- and
off-line gay lives that transformed their worlds, marked by turning point
moments. This study explored how chat room participation led to positive turning
point moments in the development of positive gay identities, and on the negative
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experiences which sometimes led to crisis moments, summarized in the sections
below.
Positive Turning Points

The process of searching for acceptance via the chat room allowed the
men to experience various turning points (i.e., milestone events), which moved
the coming-out process forward by positively shaping their meanings about their
gay sexuality and the lives gay people lead. The chat room was an important
social context that supported the formation of offline relationships with other gay
men, and in turn resulted in additional turning point experiences. The positive
turning points that the men experienced, prior to and after their entry into the
offline gay community, were represented in each of the constructed themes.
The theme “I’m Gay and Life Will Be OK” provides insight into how chat
room participation allowed the men to self-label as gay and to realize that being
gay does not mean a life filled with unhappiness. For several of the participants,
the chat room served as the first opportunity to interact with other gay men where
they gained validation of their same-sex feelings and desires. Both websites and
chat room participation served a developmental function in allowing the men to
label their feelings as gay. Internet websites that contained information about gay
life and "coming out,” particularly personal stories, were important to some in
acknowledging their same-sex feelings. More meaning, however, was given to
their participation in chat rooms in terms of solidifying the commitment to being
gay and dealing with the emotional stresses associated with coming-out. Having
the opportunity to chat with other gay men with whom they could relate shattered
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many of the stereotypes they held, reduced their feelings of loneliness and
isolation, and provided an opportunity to ask questions and explore what it was
like to be gay.
The theme, “Finding A Tribe,” highlighted the importance of the chat
room as a means to establish healthy friendships with other gay men. Online
friendships were an important source of social support that helped the men cope
with the stress of coming-out. Most of the men felt that the chat room was a place
that they could turn for advice about the issues that they faced surrounding their
sexual orientation (e.g., how to disclose their sexuality to their parents) and other
aspects of their daily lives. They were able to gain the support and advice from
other men who were “mentor-like” and could vicariously learn from their life
experiences. In addition, the men were able to take on the helping role in
supporting other gay young people with their transitions into gay life. The friends
that the men made online not only reduced their feelings of loneliness and
isolation, but also reduced their anxiety about meeting other gay men offline, thus
easing their entry into the offline gay community. Hence, the chat room was an
integral tool that the men used to form both on- and off-line friendship networks.
The theme, “Living A Double Life,” highlighted the men’s desires and
concerns about disclosing their sexual orientation to family and friends. Even
though it cannot be concluded that chat room participation directly influenced the
men’s voluntary disclosure of their sexual orientation, the men’s stories suggest
the offline gay lives that were created and managed via the chat room pushed the
coming-out process forward. They quickly reached the point where they felt the
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need to tell a close friend or family member that they were gay. Hence, chat room
participation can be argued to influence voluntary disclosure indirectly by
assisting the men to create offline gay lives. However, the focus of this theme was
not on the meaning of self-disclosure but rather on the stress associated with
living a double life and the ability to manage that stress.
The theme, “Learning About Myself and Gay Men In The Search For
Love,” highlighted the importance of the chat room as a place to search for
romantic partners, as well as a tool to create and manage their romantic lives
within their social contexts. Indeed, chat rooms have removed many of the
barriers that previous cohorts have had to overcome in exploring romantic
relationships and have brought the ability to search for love to the forefront of
their coming-out experience. Online romances allowed a few of the men to bridge
the gap between sexual desire and romantic possibility. First same-sex sexual
encounters that resulted from chat room participation were also viewed as
confirmatory experience of their sexual orientation. Some of the men were
successful in meeting romantic partners (i.e. boyfriends) and these relationships

were viewed as important learning experiences as they were coming-out.
Negative Turning Point Moments

This study also highlighted several issues of concern that the men
experienced as a result of their chat room participation. First, the most common
complaint voiced was that chat rooms often were sexually charged and that they
had to quickly learn how to avoid men who were only interested in finding offline
sex partners. Entry into a sexually charged chat room equated to “culture shock”
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for one of the participants which suggests that in some instances viewing the gay
world via the chat room may actually hold up the stereotype that gay men are
sexually fixated and may even delay the sexual identity development for some
gay youth.
The theme, “Living A Double Life,” described the men’s use of the chat
room to create and manage their offline gay lives while living at home with
parents or with college roommates. However, keeping their gay lives secret from
their family and friends was a considerable stressor for a few of the men. Adding
to the stress in keeping their gay lives secret, some of the men were inadvertently
“outed” due to their online activities. In addition, some of the men’s offline gay
lives increased parental suspicions that led to inadvertent discovery or created
scenarios that resulted in some of the men telling their parents that they were gay.
The majority of the men who were found out, or who eventually told a parent
and/or friend that they were gay, the experience as described as positive.
However, inadvertent discovery by a parent led to negative outcomes of suicidal
ideation for two men and one actual suicide attempt. The men’s experiences of
coming-out online pointed to the potential for gay youth to be outed by the lives
they create via the Internet at a time when they may be more emotionally
vulnerable to rejection.
As described in the theme, “Learning About Myself And Other Gay Men
In The Search For Love,” the most common problematic experiences the men
faced as they were coming-out were due to their on- and off-line interactions with
other gay men as they searched for love (i.e., romantic acceptance). Some faced
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online rejection due to their physicality. Others were confused in how their search
for romantic relationships turned into frequent and unfulfilling sexual encounters.
Still others found themselves in situations with gay men where they felt they were
taken advantage-of sexually. For a few of the men, negative experiences shaped
their views that gay relationships were somehow beyond their reach and were a
major source of discontentment in their lives. Also, some of the men became
disheartened by their search for love in chat rooms, which contributed to their
attitudes that gay men were incapable of sustaining committed relations or the
idea that the chat room contributed to their inability to form lasting relationships
with other men.
Before continuing to the next chapter, it should be made clear that the vast
majority of the men reported few crises with regard to their chat room
participation. However, the negative experiences do highlight areas of concern of
which stakeholders should be aware, and into which further investigation is
required. Both the positive and negative turning point moments that resulted from
chat room participation, and the potential influences on the developmental

trajectories of gay youth, are discussed in the next chapter.
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Chapter 5: Contextualization, Summary, and Conclusions
INTRODUCTION
The last step in interpretive interactionism is contextualization. In
contextualization the researcher attempts to interpret the themes and categories,
uncovered in bracketing and construction, and give them meaning by locating
them back within the natural social world (Denzin, 1989). Contextualization
illustrates the concept that people have a social context within which they live,
and this context strongly influences how they perceive themselves. By gaining a
larger picture of the social context in which the men came-out, we can better
understand how they experienced coming-out via their participation in chat
rooms. This chapter will begin with a brief discussion regarding the chat room as
a significant aspect of gay youth culture. Following, the four themes that emerged
from the data will be discussed as they pertain to the social context in which the
young gay men in this study lived.
SOCIAL CONTEXT
Gay Chat Rooms Are an Important Social Context for the Search for
Acceptance
Questioning and gay youth of today grow up in a much different society
than did past generations. In a recent national survey of self-identified lesbians,
gays, and bisexuals (lgb), 76% of lgb believed that there is a greater acceptance of
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gay people today than a few years ago (Kaiser Family Foundation, 2001). In a
companion survey of the general public, positive changes were reported in public
support of sexual minority rights, such as federal hate crimes legislation, other
anti-discrimination measures, and domestic partner benefits (Kaiser Family
Foundation, 2001).
The media has played a significant role in changing cultural perceptions
about gay people by moving the portrayals of gay people out of the closet and
onto movie screens, television sets, newspapers, and magazines. With the
increased cultural awareness of the lives of sexual minorities, many gay youth
also grow up in a society with sufficient cues for them to label their “otherness”
as gay. The increased visibility of sexual minorities in the media, changes in
political arenas, and provision of social services (i.e., community and school-
based programs aimed at supporting the needs and concerns of questioning and
gay youth), however, do not mean that a supportive environment exists for gay
youth. For instance, media coverage of gay-related issues often results in a public
opinion backlash from the conservative religious right. Mainstream movies and
television shows have been criticized for perpetuating gay stereotypes.
Sexual minorities are not afforded the same benefits as other members of
society such as marriage rights, adoption rights, and the freedom to openly serve
in the armed forces. There has been an overall long-term increase in hate crimes
toward gays and lesbians (National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, 2001; Federal
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Bureau of Investigations, 2000). In addition it has been argued that greater
visibility of sexual minorities in society, combined with self-labeling by youth
may also decrease the invisibility of gay youth when they are emotionally and
physically vulnerable and subsequently may place youth at greater risk for
victimization (Rivers & D’Augelli, 2001). The media coverage of the beating
death of young Matthew Shepard for being gay, even though a rallying cry for
social action and change, is a grim reminder of what can happen if you are
discovered to be gay by homonegative people.
In addition, social services in rural communities that support sexual
minorities are essentially non-existent. The reality is that notwithstanding the
significant shift in cultural attitudes about homosexuality, being gay in the United
States remains a highly stigmatized identity which is of particular concern for
vulnerable young people who are either questioning their sexuality or who know
that they are gay.
Another remarkable cultural shift that has undoubtedly changed the lives
of many gay people is the proliferation of Internet technologies as a means to
connect gay people. Health educators, therapists, and counselors are keenly aware
of the impact that Internet technologies have had in the lives of gay youth. Many
organizations and support agencies have embraced the Internet as a means to
provide valuable informational resources specifically targeted to support the
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coming-out process of gay youth (see Appendix J for an extensive listing of
Internet websites that support gay people and the coming-out process).
Imagine a young person today who wonders if he or she might be gay, or
knows that he or she is gay, and is fearful of rejection and ridicule by family and
friends. What is the safest way to access information? What is the safest way to
connect with other people who might feel the same way you do? Obviously,
access to the Internet greatly reduces the barriers to achieve both.
Gay youth today no longer have to wait passively for the right situation to
arise (e.g., moving away from home) to explore their sexuality and to search for
acceptance. Youth today are considered to be “Generation-Net” and for many
questioning and gay youth, the Internet is a normative way in which to search for
information and make contact with other gay people. Given the homonegative
attitudes that questioning and gay youth face, it is quite understandable that they
turn to chat rooms as a way to search for and find acceptance. The men in this
study used the Internet and participated in chat rooms as a way to find meaning in
their lives and to construct a world in which they could live independently of the
many social constraints that bound their lives. In fact, what emerged from this
study was that the chat room is a significant social context in which the men were
able to explore their sexual identities and to create both on- and off-line gay lives
embedded within their larger social contexts. The inherent “situatedness” of
Internet in the lives of young people today makes it impossible to separate the
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virtual world from the “real” world (Wynn & Katz, 1997). Hence, the particular
significance of this study is the “situatedness” of the gay chat room within the
social contexts of the gay community (or subculture), within the larger context of
the United States culture. I hope that this study will provide, in the sections that
follow, a glimpse into how chat rooms are providing questioning and gay youth
ways in which to search for acceptance and to participate in the gay world within
the confines of their own particular social contexts, such as family, friends,
community, and the American heterosexist culture.
First, a general discussion regarding the uniqueness of the chat room
social context is provided followed by a discussion related to each theme
presented in Chapter 4. For each theme, a conceptual process model was
constructed for heuristic purposes in order to organize the men’s stories to
illustrate potential positive and negative turning point moments with regard to
chat room participation.
UNIQUENESS OF THE CHAT ROOM CONTEXT
As described previously in Chapter 2, the stage models of gay identity
development have limited utility in describing the coming-out process. This is
primarily due to the variability of experiences among individuals and the unique
meanings given to those milestone experiences that push the process of coming-
out forward. For instance, this study showed that each of the men came to
participate in chat rooms through their own unique life experiences, which
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highlighted the variability in the coming-out process. Furthermore, the chat room
experience added another dimension of social interaction that led to unique
turning point moments that have not been captured in previous sexual identity
models (described in detail below). However, rather than extending the existing
stage models of identity development to incorporate the chat room context, I
agree with those researchers who propose that the critical research endeavor
should not focus on the development of identity models per se, but rather on how
sexual-minority youth live their lives as they come-out in order to understand the
necessary and sufficient conditions that support gay identity development (i.e.,
turning point moments) which allows for both the variabilites and the
commonalities of the coming-out process (Savin-Williams, 1998; Schneider,
2001). Schneider (2001, p.79) states that the coming-out process “involves
multiple levels and multiple processes…each level and process involves a set of
events (e.g., meeting other people who are gay or lesbian for the first time),
cognitions (e.g., the first awareness of same-sex attraction), behaviors (e.g., the
first same-sex sexual experience), and emotions (e.g., feeling positive or negative
about one’s gay or lesbian identity)” that are unique to each individual. By
adopting a “differential developmental trajectories” (Savin-Williams, 1998)
towards understanding how chat room participation may shape the lives of gay
youth, we can begin to view the chat room as a context within which gay youth
can create their lives.
One question that continually surfaced as I was conducting this study was
how the chat room context might be uniquely different from other social contexts
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(e.g., offline gay communities) that provided the men with necessary and
sufficient conditions to develop a gay identity? I proposed that there were two
major ways in which the chat room context alters the coming-out process. First, I
found that the men experienced a variety of unique milestones, in varying degrees
and timeline orders, prior to any face-to-face interactions with other gay men
(e.g., self-labeling, realization that gay life can be positive, decreased feelings of
isolation, feeling better about being gay, forming online relationships with
mentors and friends, and online romances). Secondly, the chat room context
allowed the men to construct their offline gay lives within each of their unique
emotional and social constraints. In the following sections, the chat room context
is contextualized within the larger social context in order to illuminate how the
chat room may in fact alter the coming-out process (i.e., developmental
trajectories) of gay youth.
I’M GAY AND LIFE WILL BE OK
The first theme was related to the men’s use of the Internet to search for
information on websites (in conjunction with participating in gay chat rooms)
when questioning their sexual orientation. Each of the men came to the Internet
with a sense that they might be gay, or felt sure that they were gay. The chat room
was a place that the men could anonymously interact with other questioning
and/or gay men without risk of discovery. The absence of contact with other gay
men prior to their online chatting experiences led many of the men to form
opinions and stereotypes about gay people and their lifestyles. For example, the
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men believed that few gay peers existed, which resulted in feelings of isolation,
that gay men were hypersexual, and that being gay meant living an unhappy and
unfulfilled life. For these men, their Internet and chat room experiences enabled
them to transcend psychological and social barriers (e.g., family, peers,
community/geographical constraints). This resulted in the labeling and validation
that they were indeed gay. Thus, chat rooms served as a context which
contributed to the turning point moment of labeling their feelings as gay, and
served as a place where they quickly realized the positive side to being gay. By
chatting with other men they gained greater self-acceptance of their sexuality and
soon gained a sense that their lives as gay men would be OK.
The uniqueness of the chat room context in shaping the men’s
developmental trajectories upon self-labeling was that the men had an immediate
support system in place that helped them cope with the stress and anxiety that
accompanied their new self-concept of being gay. The men were able to
immediately converse with other young men like themselves, and that greatly
reduced their feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and also changed their
stereotypical ideas about the gay lifestyle. In the past, theoretical assumptions
have been made that awareness of gay feelings and subsequent self-labeling are
processes that normally occur in isolation (Plummer, 1975; Cass, 1984). Research
also suggested that increased self-awareness of one’s homosexuality and
subsequent self-labeling form a period of emotional distress leading to suicidal
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thoughts and behaviors. However, for the men in this study who self-labeled as a
result of chatting with other gay men online, the opportunity to make immediate
personal connections led to greater self-acceptance. Thus, the opportunity to chat
with gay men online have profound positive mental health implications with
regard to increased self-acceptance and reduced feelings of social isolation that in
turn ameliorate the distress of living with a stigmatized identity (see Figure 5.1).
Figure 5.1. Heuristic diagram of chat room experiences related to theme 1.
"I might be gay"

Negative beliefs &
stereotypes
Self-labeling Identity
Supportive chat + changed stereotypes, Progression
environment
Gay Chat reduced anxieties, &
Room feelings of isolation Positive
Affect
Sexual chat - Support/form Identity

environment negative stereotypes foreclosure
The findings from this qualitative study appear to support the empirical
report by McKenna and Bargh (1998) in their description of the
“demarginalization” effect of virtual group participation. Researchers tested a
process model of identity demarginalization via newsgroup participation (see
Figure 5.2). The model was framed within social identity theory (Tajfel, 1982)
which posits that the primary motivation to identify with a social group is to gain
self-esteem (McKenna & Bargh, 1998). However, other motivations for group
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identification include uncertainty reduction, power, self-efficacy, greater self-
knowledge, and a basic need to belong (Brewer, 1991; Hogg & Abrams, 1993;
McKenna & Bargh, 1998). Researchers expand upon Tajfel’s (1982) theory by
stating that simply identifying with a group is not sufficient to increase self-
esteem. Rather individuals need to belong (i.e., participate) in the group in order
to receive any benefits from group identification on self-esteem (McKenna &
Bargh, 1998). The importance of the marginalized identity mediates the level of
participation in the group and it is the level of group participation that influences
the level of benefits received from group identification (McKenna & Bargh,
1998).
Figure 5.2. A process model of identity marginalization (McKenna & Bargh,

1998).
Greater Self-
Acceptance
Importance of Decreased
Newsgroup
Marginalized Estrangement
Participation
Identity from Society
Decreased Social
Isolation
McKenna and Bargh’s (1998) research findings support the model in that
individuals with concealable sexual stigmatized identities who participated in
virtual newsgroups with others sharing the same stigmatized group status (e.g.,
alt.homosexual, alt.sex.bondage, alt.sex.spanking) reported greater self-
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acceptance, decreased estrangement from society (extent to which an individual
rejects or feels removed for the dominant social values), and decreased feelings of
social isolation (alienation). Their findings, along with the experiences of the men
in this study, suggest that chat room participation would also have a
transformative influence on an individual’s social identity.
McKenna and Bargh (1998) also investigated the influence of negative
and positive feedback upon participation in newsgroups (measured by the
frequency of messages posted to the group). They showed that positive group
feedback for participants in the marginalized-concealable newsgroups
significantly increased their participation. This finding indicated that positive
feedback is important in virtual groups and acts to increase participation and thus
improve self-esteem and self-acceptance.
With regard to positive and negative experiences in chat rooms, I observed
that the initial perception of the chat room environment could also have an
influence on subsequent chat room participation by a questioning or gay youth.
One issue of concern related to the development of a “group identity” – as well as
the self-labeling process – was entry into a chat room where there is explicit
discussion of sexual behaviors and proclivities. From my prior investigations into
the use of chat rooms by gay men, it was apparent that one of the main
motivations for gay men to use chat rooms was to find offline sex partners
(Thomas, 2001). What was the influence of the chat room environment on the
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identity development for those youth who questioned their sexuality? Eric’s
experience highlighted this issue. His first experience at the age of thirteen was
like “culture shock” and essentially foreclosed his sexual identity development.
However, he later returned to participate in chat rooms where he was able, as did
all the men, to find other men with whom he could relate.
Future Research Direction Related to Early Chat Room Participation
Future research endeavors should specifically explore the experiences of
questioning youth’s early experiences of entry into chat room. An important
question to ask is how does entering into a sexually charged chat room impact
questioning gay youth’s identity progression and/or foreclosure? The
demarginalization model proposed by McKenna and Bargh (1998) should be used
to investigate the influence of chat room participation on measures of self-esteem,
self-acceptance, social isolation and estrangement in the lives of questioning and
gay youth as they come-out. In addition, the model could be extended to
investigate the influence of chat room participation on mental health concerns
such as depression and suicidal ideation.
FINDING A TRIBE
The social context of a gay community and the subsequent development of
friendship networks are generally recognized as critical components of gay
identity development and as a source of social support (Nardi, 1999). Gay
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communities are also important in that they provide a source of social support that
buffers the effects of stigma and improves psychological well-being (Ross et al.,
1995) (D'Augelli & Garnets, 1995) and a way to maintain self-esteem (Crocker &
Major, 1989). “Like ethnic and racial ghettos, [gay] communities constitute a
haven of self-defense and a place where the individual deviator can openly take
the line that he is at least as good as anyone else” (Goffman, 1963, p. 145).
Personal identity and the pangs of stigmatization are validated and alleviated by
being with others like oneself (Weightmann, 1980). Thus, being able to connect
with others similar to oneself reduces feelings of isolation, provides social
support, and subsequently has positive mental health implications in the lives of
gay people as they come-out. In fact, many social services have been created that
aim to improve the lives of gay youth by reducing their social isolation. However,
individual and social barriers remain for many youth to find and participate in gay
communities in order to reap the positive benefits of developing social support
networks. For example, the men in this study described factors such as living at
home, rural upbringing, lack of awareness of where to meet other gay people, and
fear of disclosure as barriers that prohibited them from accessing the offline gay
community.
Chat rooms provide a source of social support
With the advent of Internet technologies, questioning and gay youth now
have the ability to transcend many of these barriers by participating in virtual
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communities. While an extensive body of literature describing the similarities and
differences between virtual communities and their offline counterparts exist, little
attention has been directed towards exploring the role that such virtual
communities play in the lives of sexual minorities. One should assume that sexual
minorities participate in virtual communities for the same reasons as their
heterosexual peers: they seek to connect with similar others who share mutual
interests. However, access to gay virtual communities may be of particular
significance for gay youth who are in the process of coming-out since this is a
time of emotional vulnerability when social support may be needed most.
Chat room participation provided the men in this study with similar
benefits to those of participating in the offline gay community (see Figure 5.3).
The men were afforded the benefit of interacting with other gay men with less
fear of discovery. They were able to share experiences, receive advice from others
who had successfully transitioned into gay life, learn about gay norms and mores,
gain advice on how to come-out to family and friends, all prior to their entry into
the offline gay community. The ability to garner social support prior to as well as
a place to return for support after their entry into the offline gay community may
have implications to the mental and physical well-being of gay youth as they
come-out and thus requires future investigation. In essence, the chat room served
an important role in the lives of the participants by providing a ready-made and
easily accessible virtual support group.
136
I'm gay, so what do I

do next?
no No benefit
Gay Chat Ability to connect received
Room with supportive
individuals in chat
yes Mentors & friends
rooms Psycho-
lend advice and
provide opportunities logical well-
for vicarious learning being &
life skills
desentization
Entry into offline gay

community
Research regarding the health benefits associated with participation in
virtual communities has centered on the study of online mutual aid groups
(Glasgow, Barrera, McKay, & Boles, 1999). Mutual aid describes the process of
both giving and receiving social support, which captures the therapeutic value of
these groups in providing “helper therapy” (i.e., each member is both a helper and
helpee) (King & Moreggi, 1998). The ability of individuals to virtually connect
with others who have experienced or are experiencing the same problem(s) can
provide similar benefits as, or in some instances surpass, traditional offline
support groups (King & Moreggi, 1998). Online mutual aid groups provide
practical information, social support, the opportunity to share experiences,
positive role models, helper therapy, empowerment, professional support, and
137
advocacy efforts, just as they do in face-to-face groups (King & Moreggi, 1998).
In addition, participation in online groups (in this case chat rooms) offers 24-hour
access to other people, anonymity, and may serve to decrease inhibitions to allow
open disclosure of personal information (King & Moreggi, 1998). Participants of
online self-help groups reported high levels of satisfaction and therapeutic
benefits primarily because they had the convenience and opportunity to share
experiences with others (Dublin, Simon, & Orem, 1997, cited in King & Moreggi,
1998). Other studies of online self-help groups have shown improved drug
addiction recovery (King, 1994), improved disease management and quality of
life for members of an online diabetes support group (Glasgow, Barrera, McKay,
& Boles, 1999), and lower perceived life stress by older adults (Wright, 2000).
However, no studies addressed the health benefits of chat room participation in
the lives of gay youth.
Recently it has been suggested that declarations of suicide intention from
within online support groups (e.g., depression, drug addiction) may in fact be
common and warrant further investigation to determine the frequency of such
exchanges and proper courses of action to prevent suicide attempts (King, 1995).
In this study, Greg described a troublesome online encounter in which someone
threatened to commit suicide. Since research indicates that questioning and gay
youth are at increased risk of suicide ideation, it is to be expected that some youth
may reach out via chat rooms for support. Scenarios such as this highlight the
138
need to educate youth (as well as adults) on how to properly respond to such
online threats of self-harm. However, no studies have investigated the use of chat
rooms by suicidal youth or the experiences of chat room members in dealing with
scenarios of suicide threats.
To gain access to social support from other gay men in chat rooms, the
men did describe a necessary process in which they had to learn how to navigate
the online sexual marketplace in order to find men willing to lend support and
give advice. Hence, the sexual environment that is often presented in many gay
chat rooms may create a barrier for some gay youth who are searching for social
support for a variety of issues in their lives. The specific social support-seeking
behaviors and experiences of gay youth who access chat rooms in search of
support and advice are not known and require future investigation.
Formation of online friendships desensitizes their entry into the offline gay
community.
An important aspect of the chat room is that it allowed the men to navigate
their offline social contexts in order to develop important friendship networks.
Beverly Fehr (1996) summarizes four general factors that affect the formation of
friendships: environmental, individual, situational, and dyadic. Individuals are
more likely to form friendships with individuals with whom they share the same
physical environment (e.g., work space, local suburb/community). Individual
factors, such as values, demographic characteristics, or behaviors, discern
between likely and unlikely candidates for friendship. Situational factors such as
139
frequency of contact, or dependency on the person for something needed
contribute to whether friendship will develop. Dyadic elements such as self-
disclosure, reciprocity, intimacy, and trust help the relationship evolve from
casual, to close, to best friend.
From this perspective there were several advantages for gay youth to reach
out via chat rooms to make friends. First, environmental factors (other than
having access to a computer with Internet connection) were essentially removed
so that the men were able to find potential friends in their immediate social
contexts without the fear of discovery. Secondly, the chat room allowed the men
to screen individuals for factors important to a decision to pursue the potential
friendship. One such individual factor was whether the person with whom they
chatted made sexual advances. Thirdly, the men were allowed time to get to know
the person online (a situation factor such as frequency of contact) and develop a
sense of closeness through dyadic elements prior to meeting offline. By doing so
the men gained assurance that they would be accepted for who they were. All
these factors merged to result in a desensitization effect that eased the men’s first
entry into gay friendships and the gay community at large.
Little debate remains surrounding the extent of the influence of the
Internet on individual relationship formation (Ebo, 1998; Gackenbach, 1998;
Parks, 1996; Parks & Roberts, 1998). In addition, online friendships have been
demonstrated to achieve the same breadth and depth as offline friendships (Parks
140
& Roberts, 1998). The men is this study demonstrated that chat rooms are
dramatically changing the process of forming friendship networks for gay youth
who are coming-out and that these friendships are, in fact, pivotal in supporting
the coming-out process.
Future Research Direction Related to Online Social Support
This study suggests that gay chat rooms (e.g., AOL, Gay.com) were
pivotal for many gay youth to find and create social support networks. For the
men of this study, participation in chat rooms provided emotional and
informational support as they were coming-out. However, no studies have
investigated the experiences of giving or receiving online support in the lives of
gay people. While there are numerous online forums that aim to support gay
youth as they come-out, no evaluation has been done to assess the benefits of
participation in such virtual communities. Future research studies should
investigate the experiences of both giving and receiving social support in gay chat
rooms for sexual minority youth. What are the specific needs of gay youth who
seek social support online? How does receiving online support impact mental and
physical health in the lives of gay youth?
LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE
As described in the previous theme, once the men in this study knew that
they were gay they were motivated to participate in chat rooms as a way to make
141
offline friendships in their surrounding communities. However, the outward
expression of being gay was affected by the social context in which the men lived.
Since gay youth face many risks (e.g., violence, verbal abuse, rejection) with
inadvertent or self-disclosure, the men in this study had to balance the benefits
and risks associated with venturing from behind the computer screens into the
offline gay community. Thus, the chat room was an important social context that
not only afforded the men a way to connect with other gay men in their offline
community, but also was a tool to manage their concealable identities. For
example, Alex was able to construct an extensive offline friendship network
within the gay community via the Internet while living and remaining closeted to
his father. In the paragraphs that follow, the men’s experiences are presented in an
effort to highlight how the chat room may have altered the disclosure process to
family and friends (see figure 5.4).

I'm not "out" to my
peers &/or family
Tool to Manage
Offline Life Offline gay life
Gay Chat Positive &
Inadvertent/self-disclosure to
Room Transition Period
peers &/or family negative
affect
Online gay life
142
First, it is important to understand the benefits and contextual issues that
surround gay youths’ ability to self-disclose to a parent. The accepted view in the
literature is that one of the most difficult tasks a gay youth faces, after the process
of self-labeling, is disclosing to a parent that he or she is gay (Savin-Williams,
1998b). Disclosure is an important developmental event in the lives of gay youth.
Savin-Williams (1998b) states,
…adolescents who disclose to others are generally assumed to experience

a diverse array of positive mental-health outcomes that are associated with
openness, including identity synthesis and integration, healthy
psychological adjustment, decreased feelings of loneliness and guilt, and
positive self-esteem. (p. 42)
Thus, it is assumed that stress from hiding or suppressing one’s sexual
identity is reduced upon disclosure (Cass, 1979; Cohen & Savin-Williams, 1996;
Coleman, 1981/82; Savin-Williams, 1990; Savin-Williams, 1998a). However, gay
youth who disclose to a parent(s) while still living at home must cope with the
potential negative reactions from their families (on whom they rely for emotional
and financial support). Negative reactions from family members may result in
adverse outcomes such as decreased self-esteem, running away from home,
substance abuse, and suicide attempts (Savin-Williams, 1994).
Adaptive & Maladaptive Outcomes?
On one level the men’s ability to use the chat room as a way to navigate
around their social constraints in order to live secret gay lives would be
considered highly adaptive. The men’s online gay lives were important to
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reaching the developmental milestone of self-labeling, to gain self-acceptance,
and to believe that they could live a positive gay life. Establishing friendship
networks was also important for identity development and garnering social
support. Indeed, the ability to conceal one’s sexuality in order to live a double life
has been traditionally viewed as a necessary stage of gay identity development.
This stage allowed for a transition period to explore one’s sexuality, synthesize
emerging sexual identities, develop support systems and emotional self-defenses
against rejection prior to self-disclosure to significant heterosexual others (Cass,
1979; Troiden, 1989).
However, what this study showed was that the ability to create on- and
off-line gay lives can create scenarios that lead to inadvertent discovery by a
parent and that could result in negative emotional outcomes. The reality is that
many gay youth live within family or peer contexts that would place them in
danger of victimization and abandonment if they were discovered to be gay.
There is an extensive body of research that reports the negative outcomes that
result from disclosure to family and friends, including verbal and physical abuse,
with emotional distress that can lead to suicide. Thus, gay youth who use chat
rooms to create and manage their offline gay lives face the additional challenge of
keeping their gay lives hidden (especially when they are still living at home).
One category within this theme centered specifically on the stresses
associated with living a double life. It is obvious that gay youth are afforded many
144
benefits from being able to connect with gay peers and adults offline. However,
gay youth must also deal with the additional stressors that accompany living a
double life when they feel they must keep their gay lives hidden. However, little
attention has been given in the research literature to the stress that gay people
experience as a result of hiding their orientation. While no empirical data are
available on the impact of hiding one’s orientation, it has been hypothesized that
those who do hide lose self-esteem and a sense of connection to others and lag in
their developmental progression to healthy adulthood (Rotheram-Borus &
Langabeer, 2001).
In the present social context, the barriers that gay people have had to
overcome in order to make friends and create gay social lives have been greatly
reduced due to chat rooms. Young gay people now have a means to make offline
connections which serve as an important coping resource and which support
identity development. However, creation of offline lives can serve as a stressor,
particularly if the individual lives at home. Being inadvertently discovered as gay
as a consequence of their use of a shared computer should be considered a likely
possibility for many gay youth who are in the process of coming-out. Indeed, one
of the most common stressors for gay youth is being found out as gay by parents,
siblings, and friends (Rotheram-Borus, Hunter, & Rosario, 1994). However, no
reports describe the actual percentage of gay youth who have had this experience
as a result of their online activities. It may figure quite prominently in their lives
145
since one can assume that a majority of youth live at home when they begin to
explore their sexuality and when they begin to participate in gay life via the
Internet.
We live in a culture that is cautious about youth’s participation in chat
rooms particularly surrounding issues of sexual coercion and pedophilia (National
Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 2002; Federal Bureau of
Investigations, 2001). In fact, many parents check on their children’s online
activities without their child’s knowledge (Pew Research Center, 2001; Pew
Internet & American Life Project, 2001), which may place questioning and gay
youth at particular risk for discovery. A few of the men described scenarios of
being outed due to a parent finding incriminating evidence on the family
computer. Other men were discovered by parents as a result of noticeable changes
in offline social activities. Notwithstanding its positive effects, the Internet may
place some youth at risk for inadvertent discovery. Unfortunately, this may place
them at risk for victimization and/or may contribute to distress leading to negative
trajectories such as suicide.
Does chat room participation speed up or slow down the disclosure process?
On one hand the chat room can be viewed as speeding up the self-
disclosure process to family and peers. For example, McKenna & Bargh (1998)
demonstrated that individuals with concealable stigmatized identities who
participated in an online newsgroup often gained greater self-acceptance, which
146
was strongly predictive of coming-out to friends and family members. Thus, one
might assume that the ability to gain self-acceptance for being gay through online
participation may result in the desire to come-out to family and friends, perhaps
even prior to their entry into the offline gay community. However, the men in this
study who chose to self-disclose did so after they had first created offline
friendship networks with other gay men. One could also expect that participation
in chat rooms would also speed up the disclosure process. D’Augelli and Garnets
(1995) note the positive benefits of self disclosure,
Research has documented the positive impact of acknowledging

lesbian/gay feelings to others and being involved with lesbian and gay
social networks and communities (Harry & DuVall, 1978; Kurdek, 1988;
Weinberg & Williams, 1974). Coming out to others has been associated
with enhanced personal integrity (Rand, Graham, & Rawlings, 1982;
Wells & Kline, 1987), decreased feelings of isolation (Murphy, 1989), and
greater self-acceptance from others (Olsen, 1987). The presence of a
lesbian/gay support system is related to more adaptive coping strategies
and lower stress (Gillow & Davis, 1987) and to better overall adjustment
(Kurdek, 1988). (p. 302)
On the other hand, the ability to manage one’s gay identity offline via chat
room participation might in fact slow down the disclosure process, leading to a
compartmentalized sexual life. Cooper (1998) is cautious about individuals with
sexual identity issues and their online usage. Though agreeing that the Internet
can be helpful in taking a first step to acknowledge feelings regarding sexual
identity, he poses the critical question of whether the Internet (in this study chat
rooms) ultimately helps or hinders in the resolution of sexual identity issues. His
concern is that individuals may enter into some kind of identity “limbo” unable to
147
directly address personal issues with sexual identity. This would allow an
individual to live parallel lives, in turn creating a stressful existence. What this
study showed was that the chat room did allow the men to live parallel lives,
which in most instances, was considered to support identity development.
However, Kevin’s experience of living a double life supports Cooper’s argument:
he was able to maintain a romantic-sexual relationship with another man for a
number of years apart from his married life. Kevin admitted, “if I hadn’t been
caught I probably would never have come-out.”
Future Research Direction Related to Self-Disclosure
Empirical evidence of the influence of chat room participation in the self-
disclosure process for gay youth is not available. The men in this study were able
to create on- and off-line gay lives that in some instances resulted in inadvertent
disclosure of their sexuality to a parent. In most cases parents were accepting of
their son’s sexuality. However, for a few of the men, discovery resulted in
extreme emotional distress that led to thoughts of suicide and one suicide attempt.
The men’s experiences highlight several areas that require future research to
delineate the influence and outcomes of chat room participation on the disclosure
process to family and peers.
148
LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND GAY MEN IN THE SEARCH FOR LOVE
Gay youth are like all other youth in their desire to form romantic
relationships (D’Augelli, 1991; Savin-Williams, 1990). However, restrictive
cultural norms do not afford gay youth the same dating opportunities (experiences
assumed to be necessary and normative towards developing relationship skills) as
their heterosexual peers. One of the largest hurdles for many questioning and gay
youth is being able to find similar others to date and with whom to develop
romantic attachments. The ability to make on- and off-line romantic connections
via the chat room is revolutionary in that it brings the search for romantic
acceptance to the forefront of the coming-out experience for many gay youth. In
fact, the OutProud (1997) survey findings indicate that 45% of sexual minority
youth have used the Internet to find dates and that 23% regularly use the Internet
for this purpose. Questioning and gay youth no longer have to wait until they
move away from home or to a large urban area in order to feel emotionally and/or
geographically unconstrained in searching for romance. From a developmental
perspective, this is very significant because questioning and self-identified gay
youth can begin to explore romantic relationships with other gay peers at earlier
stages in their adolescence. However, the reality is that even though the chat room
is removing many of the barriers to finding other gay people, many youth have to
weigh the benefits of engaging in romantic relationships with the potential danger
of disclosing their sexuality to family and peers. In addition, youth living in rural
149
areas may still face difficulty in finding others in the local area with whom to
establish face-to-face dating/romantic relationships.
Same-sex dating and romantic relationships clearly function as a critical
transition in the development of a gay identity (Cohen & Savin-Williams, 1996;
Diamond et al., 1999; Savin-Williams, 1996). However, the traditional concept of
dating and romance is assumed to take place in face-to-face relational contexts.
My study indicated that participation in chat rooms provided some of the men the
opportunity to engage in online romances. Egan (2000), in her online interviews
with teenage gay men and women, reported that her participants described high
levels of emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy) from their online cyber-
relationships. Other studies that have investigated online romantic relationships
among heterosexuals show that online romantic relationships are both intense and
rewarding, and they were said to fulfill similar needs as face-to-face relationships
(Parks, 1996; Parks & Roberts, 1998). In this study, online romances allowed the
men to bridge the emotional gap between sex and love and resulted in a greater
commitment to their emerging sexual identities, important developmental
milestone for youth as they come-out.
In addition, several of the men found their first same-sex sexual partner
online, and this gave them additional confirmation that they were gay. For youth
who are coming-out, sexual relationships “can provide an important context for
the negotiation of sexual identity…they may be viewed by sexual-minority youths
150
as an ideal testing ground for confirming or disconfirming the strength and
authenticity of same-sex attractions” (Diamond et al., 1999, p. 180). Little is
known about the relational context (i.e., dating relationships, friendships, sexual
relationships) of first same-sex sexual activity, but it is inaccurately assumed that
same-sex sexual activity usually takes place within the developing romantic
relationship (Diamond et al., 1999). Savin-Williams (1998) emphasizes the
immense variability in the experience, timing, partner, setting, motivation,
emotion, and consequence of first gay sex. He found that 25% of gay and bisexual
youth had their first same-sex experience with someone that they were dating,
which most frequently occurred during the participant’s high school years.
However, what was unique to this study was that only three of the
participants had same-sex sexual experiences prior to their chat room
participation. Those men who found their first same-sex sexual partners via the
chat room were first able to develop a sense of intimacy with the partner before
agreeing to an offline meeting. Rheingold, an authority in cybercommunities,
commented, “The way you meet people in cyberspace puts a different spin on
affiliation: In traditional kinds of communities, we are accustomed to meeting
people, then getting to know them; in virtual communities we get to know
someone and then choose to meet them” (Rheingold, 1993, p.26). The concept of
choice is key to understanding the benefits that youth see in going online to search
for love. They are able first to come to the realization that they are gay, explore
151
their sexual desires with others, and then make the choice of with whom and
when to engage in their first same-sex sexual encounter.
What is unique to chat room environments is openness; gay youth are able
to talk about their sexual desires with others they meet online. Thus, gay youth do
not have to risk being rejected or outed by making their sexual desires known to
peers and furthermore are not relegated to clandestine sexual rendezvous in public
sex-only environments in order to explore their sexual desires. Greater self-
acknowledgment, having a period of time online to learn about gay sexual norms,
and the opportunity to get to know someone and to develop a sense of intimacy
online prior to meeting offline may result in a protective effect for HIV/STD
infection. For example, Flowers, Smith, Sheeran, & Beail (1998) explored the
HIV risk-related behaviors in the context of sexual debut and entry into the gay
community. They explain the influence of wider social contexts in shaping
individual’s choices and sexual decision making during the coming-out process:
Sexual identity is fundamental, at both the individual level and collective

level, in understanding HIV risk-related behavior. The influence of
becoming gay upon HIV risk-reduction must be thought of as distal; it
shapes the life world of gay men, setting the scene in which more
immediate determinants of HIV risk-reduction behaviour are embedded.
The transition between cultures (from mainstream heterosexual culture to
a novel and often surprising ‘alien’ culture) represents an important area
for focus. Not only can it represent a change of momentous proportion for
the individual, but it can also highlight specific aspects of gay culture as
the individual confronts, for the first time, relatively unknown sexual
mores and illuminate the process of gay identity construction and pinpoint
specific issues which impact upon HIV risk-related behaviour (p. 410).
152
This interview-based study, conducted with twenty men residing in a rural
community in northern England, found that sexual debut has implications for
safer sex behavior and subsequently in the risk of HIV transmission. A majority
of the men reported feelings of disempowerment when accessing the gay
community for the first time, particularly when engaging in sex with older, more
experienced men. This led to participation in unprotected anal intercourse. “The
disempowerment produced through different identities or different positions

within identity development can be seen to influence HIV risk-taking behaviour”
(Flowers et al., 1998, p. 417). Other empirical studies have also shown that
greater levels of acculturation into the gay subculture (e.g., self-identifying as
gay, involvement within the gay community, and the adoption of cultural and
sexual norms of the gay community) positively influence safer sex practices
(Mills et al., 2001; Seibt et al., 1995). Implications from these studies highlight
the potential sexual health benefits afforded to many gay youth who participate in
chat rooms because they develop a positive self-concept of being gay, become
acculturated to the sexual practices and norms of gay men, and develop a level of
sexual intimacy prior to their entry into offline sexual relationships. Chat room
participation has important health implications and requires further investigation.
Another example of the potential sexual health benefits to chat room
participation is that gay youth are able to identify as gay prior to their initiation of
same-sex sexual activity. Dubé (1997, cited in Diamond et al., 1999) identified
two unique relationship trajectories among sexual minority men. Men who
reported engaging in same-sex sexual contact prior to identifying as gay or
153
bisexual eventually participated in a higher proportion of sexual relationships as
compared to romantic relationships, whereas those who engaged in same-sex
sexual contact after identifying as gay or bisexual participated in fewer sexual
relationships. This suggests that youth who have a period of time to come to a
better understanding of their sexuality via chat room interactions with other gay
men may engage in fewer sexual relationships, resulting in a decreased risk of
STD and HIV infection. This is an important area that requires future
investigation.
Once gay youth have overcome the hurdle of finding gay peers in their
search for love, they face emotional challenges that accompany the transition
from online connections to face-to-face dating/romantic relationships. First, it
should be noted that gay youth face the similar challenges that all youth
experience in developing relationships. However, in addition, gay youth who are
not “totally out” face the additional challenges managing their dating and
romantic relationships within their restrictive social contexts. This study
demonstrates that the chat room is an important way to search for romantic
partners, which is both beneficial and emotionally challenging.
First, some of the men are faced with the emotional challenge of
experiencing online rejection as they search for love. The ways in which people
meet online are fundamentally different than how people meet offline. For
example, in face-to-face interaction people make choices on who may be a
desirable romantic partner on a number of cues (e.g., physical looks, mannerisms,
etc.) that are simply absent online. Given the anonymous nature of online
154
interactions, it is common practice for individuals to not only present an idealized
self to others but to make judgments of others based on a limited number of cues.
Thus, the norms that are seen with chat room participation include the exchange
of photographs and personal website addresses in an effort to convey selected
aspects of oneself in order to make friends, find sex partners, and to develop
romantic interests. In addition, online interactions are commonly “disinhibited,” a
term that denotes the psychological phenomenon when people feel unrestrained
and able to freely express themselves online (Kolko & Reid, 1998; Reid, 1998).
As a result, it was common for the men to experience online rejection due to their
physical appearance.
Some of the men became disheartened as a result of their online rejection,
as well as the rejection that they received after meeting online connections face-
to-face. The men were also disheartened after finding themselves unable to
successfully transition into lasting romantic relationships with men that they met
from the chat rooms. This is not an indictment of the chat room context as a place
where individuals are unable to find nurturing romantic relationships. However, it

points to one of the negative characteristics of chat rooms, along with the positive
aspects. In addition, the men’s experiences may also reflect the general intricacies
that are involved in the initiation and maintenance of romantic relationships.
Alternatively, the disinhibited effect that accompanies chat room
participation could also work towards enhancing romance because it allows
individuals to freely express themselves, unencumbered by individual factors such
as shyness or poor communication skills. Another way chat room participation
155
may enhance romance is that the immediacy of sex reduced, so therefore it is
more possible to form an intimate attachment. In addition, gay youth who embark
on their first attempts at dating and romantic relationships are often unsure of the
rites and rituals of same-sex dating and feel awkward and unsure of themselves.
In fact, the chat room allowed men the opportunity to ask questions of their online
mentors and friends about gay relationships, which may be viewed as experiences
that shaped their expectations and built their dating skills.

However, the issues that gay youth face as they come-out and begin dating
and forming romantic relationships haves not been systematically investigated.
Lisa Diamond, a noted social psychologist in the area of intimacy development
among sexual minority youth, declares that almost no research has asked the
important “affectional” questions (e.g., emotional outcomes of romantic rejection,
inability to maintain lasting romantic relationships, etc.) that are necessary to
determine the influence of dating and romantic experiences upon the
developmental trajectories of gay youth (e.g., emotional well-being, sexual risk-
taking, etc.) (2002).

In this study some of the men were successful in forming offline romantic
relationships with men whom they first met online, if only for short periods of
time. These dating experiences were viewed as important learning moments.
However, Brian’s, Fred’s, and Henry’s experiences of on- and off-line rejection
by other gay men set them apart from the rest of the participants and they led to
feelings of extreme disheartenment. Their extremely negative and lasting
156
reactions to on- and off-line rejection by other gay men continues to affect their
views of themselves and of gay culture.
During the construction of this theme, I became very intrigued by the
strong reactions of Brian, Fred, and Henry to rejection as compared to the other
participants. I began to speculate about the influence of their rejection experiences
in shaping their attitudes and beliefs about gay relationships and how their
experiences might ultimately influence future relationships.

During my review of the literature regarding adolescent relationship
formation, the rejection-sensitivity model, proposed by Geraldine Downey and
colleagues, stood out. It captured the men’s experiences with regard to their
search for romantic love (Downey, Bonica, & Rincón, 1999). The rejection-
sensitivity model is a cognitive-affective process model that selectively draws
upon attachment, social-cognitive, and interpersonal perspectives on relationships
in order to show how past rejection in relationships (i.e., family, peer, romantic,
and group status) has significant impact on the development and maintenance of
adolescent romantic relationships. The model proposes that the key way in which
past relationships influence romantic relationships is through their impact on
expectations of attaining acceptance and avoiding rejection (Downey et al., 1999).
In turn, rejection-sensitivity impacts relationship processes, such as entering and
maintaining romantic relationships, partner selection, and even thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors in romantic relationships. Downey and her colleagues define a
“rejection sensitive” (RS) person as one who anxiously or angrily expects, readily
perceives, and reacts intensely to rejection. They describe their model as follows:
157
We view rejection-sensitivity as a cognitive-affective processing system
(Mischel & Shoda, 1995) that originates in rejecting experiences and
becomes activated in social situations where rejection is possible,
influencing the course of the interaction in ways that may confirm and
thus maintain rejection expectations (p. 149).
We view defensive expectations of rejection as being at the core of

rejection-sensitivity and assume that these expectations are particularly
likely to be activated in situations where the person is dependent on a
significant/important other for something (p. 515).
The rejection-sensitivity model is presented below in Figure 5.5.
Figure 5.5. Implications of rejection sensitivity for adolescent romantic

relationships (Downey, Bonica, & Rincón, 1999, p. 150). Reprinted with the
permission of Cambridge University Press.
Avoidance strategy
Avoids romantic relationships
Rejection Experiences Postpones transition into

romantic relationships
Parental rejection Avoids investing in romantic

abuse relationships
neglect
rejection
hostility Rejection
conditional acceptance Sensitivity
Peer rejection Defensively Overinvestment Strategy

physical victimization expect rejection
relational victimization Reflective responses:
Readily perceive Coercion
Rejection by romantic partner rejection Use of aggression to induce partner to
remain in relationship
Rejection because of status Overreact to Threats of self-harm to keep partner in
group characteristics rejection relationship
sexual orientation Compliance
race/ethnicity Tolerating emotional, physical, or
disability sexual abuse in order to maintain
relationship
Reflexive responses:
Withdrawal
Dejection or helplessness
Anger and hostility
158
Rejection Experiences
Romantic expectations are culturally embedded and may be of particular
developmental concern for sexual-minority men. For example, a recent study
found the lowest levels of romantic attachment were reported by gay male youth
with same-sex partners when compared with lesbian and heterosexual peer groups
(Diamond & Dubé, in press). Gay males also scored higher on attachment scores
for their best friends than did heterosexuals. These findings validate previous
research that indicated “females place greater value on emotional closeness in
their romantic relationships than males (Vangelisti & Daly, 1997) and this gender
difference appears magnified when comparing female-female with male-male
couples (Klinkenberg & Rose, 1994; Peplau & Amaro, 1982).” Hence, Diamond
and colleagues suggest that gay male youth might become highly attached to
friends to compensate for low expectations of intimacy with male romantic
partners. Diamond and Dubé (in press) explain:
The tendency for male-male relationships to involve lower levels of

closeness than either male-female or female-female relationships can be
attributed to the restrictive cultural norms for heterosexual masculinity
that discourage affectionate male-male relationships from an early age. As
a result of these norms, sexual-minority males might expect or experience
difficulty establishing high levels of intimacy and attachment in their
same-gender romantic relationships, and might become disproportionaly
attached to friends to compensate.
From a rejection-sensitivity perspective, one might assume that gay male
youths are culturally sensitized to expect rejection, over and above the normative
heightened sensitivity to acceptance and rejection from romantic partners that
accompanies adolescence. Gay youth grow up in a culture that stigmatizes their
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sexuality and devalues their romantic relationships. Gay youth often live with the
fear of rejection from family and peers and may experience, or expect, verbal and
physical victimization in their homes, schools, and communities. Thus, growing
up in a heterosexist culture inevitably marks the lives of gay youth and may
increase gay youth’s defensive expectations of romantic rejection as compared to
their heterosexual peers.
According to the RS-model, rejection experiences (e.g., parental, peer,
romantic partner, and group status) impact rejection sensitivity status. If we
consider the experiences of Brian, Fred, and Henry to reflect the more rejection-
sensitive participants, we can now place their experiences within the RS-model to
provide a better understanding of the impact of on- and off-line rejection in their
lives. For example, Brian’s past experience of being in an abusive relationship
(relationship victimization) combined with his minority sexual status and deafness
(group status) can be viewed as major contributing factors to his potential for
having a heightened rejection-sensitive status. When placing the men’s
experiences in the theoretical framework of rejection-sensitivity, two model
constructs appeared to be most related to the men’s experiences, avoidance
strategy and reflexive responses.
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Rejection Sensitivity
Defensively expects rejection
Apart from prior experiences of parental, peer, and romantic rejection,
young gay men are more than likely to be socialized into a gay subculture that
places an overemphasis on body image, which may heighten the defensive
expectations of rejection. No studies have investigated the connection between
body image and rejection-sensitivity status with gay men (Downey, 2002).
However, a current research study exploring rejection-sensitivity in women points
to a connection between poor body image and increased rejection-sensitivity
status (Downey, 2002). The men in this study experienced online rejection based
on their physical attractiveness, and this had a negative influence on their
transition into the gay subculture. Gay youth who experience online rejection due
to their lack of physical attractiveness or disability, such as Henry’s heaviness or
Brian’s deafness, appear to develop a defensive expectation of romantic rejection.
It should also be noted that for those youth who are deemed physically attractive,
gaining positive responses from other gay men can build self-esteem, which may
reduce any existing rejection-sensitivity.
According to the model, individuals will act either with anger or anxiety to
expectations of rejections from a new partner. For example, gay youth who are
rejection-sensitive may act out in an aggressive manner or become more
depressed. Defensive expectations of rejection will also result in the adolescent
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becoming hypervigilant for signs of rejection, to the point where the individual
perceives rejection when none is intended. No studies have been conducted with
gay youth based on the rejection-sensitivity model, therefore no data are available
on how gay youth react to potential romantic partners given their defensive
expectations.
Readily perceives rejection
Gay youth who grow up in a society where they often feel unaccepted,
isolated, and alone, may be highly motivated to establish romantic relationships
early in their coming-out process. Diamond et al. (1999, p. 203) believe this is due
to their “elaborate fantasies regarding such relationships and the satisfaction they
are anticipated to bring.” However, gay youth may perceive romantic rejection
from other gay peers and adults simply because their expectations of romantic
involvement do not match those with whom they attempt to form romantic
relationships (e.g., peers and/or adults who are interested in casual dating or only
in forming sexual relationships).
Overinvestment Strategy
Reactions to Perceived Rejection
According to the model, when individuals perceive rejection, “they will
overreact in characteristic ways that will undoubtedly reflect the influence of their
family, peer group, gender, and culture” (Downey et al., p. 156). Two primary
patterns of overreaction directed toward the romantic partner are hypothesized:
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reflective responses and reflexive responses. Reflective responses are “strategic
responses [that] are enacted to control the situation in the belief that actions can
be taken to prevent imminent rejection or to regain acceptance,” while reflexive
responses are defined as “deregulated emotional responses [that] are an
expression of one’s immediate, affective reaction to the perceived rejection”
(Downey et al., 1999, p. 156-157).
Compliance, one strategy to control a reflective response, might explain
some of the experiences and actions that were described by the participants.
Compliance is “based on the belief that changing oneself to comply with a
partner’s expressed or imagined wishes will prevent rejection” (Downey et al., p.
157). One example of a compliance strategy can be seen when Brian said,
…I had to prove to that person that I'm capable of having good sex, better
than the hearing people. It’s kind of bizarre but if I had sex then something
would come out of it, maybe a relationship would come out of it.
Furthermore, compliance may become potentially harmful when it compromises
personal safety and well-being (Downey et al., 1999). For example, some of the
men described finding themselves in sexual situations where they participated in
sexual acts with men that they met from chat rooms when they did not want to. It
is hypothesized that rejection-sensitive individuals may in turn empathize with
other people due to their own issues and experiences with rejection (Downey,
2002). For example, Alex, when he was pressured to have sex with a date when
he did not want to, went along with it because he was afraid he would hurt his
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date’s feelings or break his heart. The men who had similar experiences to Alex
reported feelings of guilt and being taken advantage of, experiences that in turn,
can be hypothesized to heighten their rejection-sensitivity status.
The disheartenment voiced by the men in this study, hypothesized to be a
reflexive response, was mirrored by the experiences of other gay men who used
the chat room to find offline sex partners (Thomas, 2001). “Implied in these types
of responses is the belief that rejection is inevitable or has already occurred…The
intense pain of rejection may also prompt rejection-sensitive adolescents to
engage in behaviors that are immediately gratifying but that may have negative
long-term consequences [i.e., engaging in unprotected sex with numerous
partners]” (Downey et al., 1999, p. 157). Similar to the experiences of Brian,
Fred, and Henry, the men voiced confusion about how their intentions to find a
boyfriend led to numerous one-night-stands, about which they expressed feelings
of guilt and sadness (Thomas, 2001). The men also considered their behaviors as
problematic and in some instances “addictive.” Thus, reflexive responses may
explain why some of the men engaged in numerous sexual encounters when they
searched for romantic partners. Hence, it can be viewed that those men who want
romantic relationships may settle for the immediate gratification of sexual
intimacy, leaving them with additional feelings of guilt and disheartenment in
relationship to love, that in turn feeds the cycle of rejection-sensitivity. The ease
with which gay youth can find willing offline sex partners in chat rooms is a
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potential danger for a rejection-sensitive youth because it provides an immediate
situation to possibly alleviate a reflexive emotional response (e.g.,
disheartenment). This may increase sexual frequency and, in turn, increase their
risk of HIV/STD infection. Thus, by viewing the participant’s increased sexual
frequency from the perspective of a reflexive response in a gay youth’s search for
romantic acceptance, health educators, counselors, and therapists, should work
with rejection-sensitive youth to break the cycle of rejection-sensitivity, rather
than concentrating exclusively on education programs regarding HIV/STD risks.
Avoidance strategy
Another strategy that rejection-sensitive youth may adopt to regulate their
concerns about rejection is to avoid romantic relationships, making low
investment in relationships in which they do become involved (Diamond & Dubé,
in press) or postponing the transition into romantic relationships (Downey et al.,
1999). “The adolescent who avoids age-appropriate romantic relationships will
also miss opportunities to increase competencies in conflict resolution,
establishing intimacy, and negotiating the boundaries between autonomy and
connectedness in intimate relationships” (Downey et al., 1999, p. 161). An
example of the possibility of on- and off-line romantic rejection leading to
avoidance was captured in Fred’s statement when he stated, “I’m over men
period, at least gay men at least. I want nothing to do with them. I never want to
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have a relationship.” Avoidance strategies such as this will significantly impact
future romantic relationship trajectories, as well as sexual relationships.
Sexual, as compared to romantic, relationships are not entirely destructive.
In fact, Diamond et al. (1999) suggest that sexual relationships may fulfill the
intimacy needs of some gay youth, given their sexual identity, emotional status
and contextual restrictions. However, selection of sexual over romantic intimacy
may impede an individual’s ability to form romantic relationships. For example,
Henry believed that his casual sexual experiences with men he met online
negatively influenced his ability to form lasting romantic relationships. This belief
caused him to focus his energies on relationships with his family and friends.
Henry’s turning point could be evidence of adopting an avoidance strategy in that
individuals who are rejection-sensitive tend to place high priority on other
projects or relationships (i.e., focusing on school work, placing emphasis on
friendships, etc.) rather than risk romantic rejection (Downey, 2002).
Chat room participation is impacting the romantic rejection-sensitivity
status of gay youth who are coming-out. These effects are profound for several
reasons (see Figure 5.6).
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Search for Love "Rejection-Sensitivity Status"

(Romantic
Acceptance)
Gay Chat Online Romantic

Offline
Acceptance/ Positive &
Room Negative Affect Romantic/Dating
Rejection
Experiences
Sexual
Gay Identity
Encounters
Progression
STD Risk
First, it is universally understood that same-sex romantic relationships
serve as an important developmental milestone in the development of positive gay
identities (Cass, 1979; Coleman, 1984; Troiden, 1988). Thus, chat room
participation may reduce their fears of romantic rejection for gay youth by
allowing them to search and find romantic acceptance both on- and off-line,
which in turn pushes gay identity development forward. For example, chat room
participation can allow gay youth to experience intimate online romantic
relationships, can provide an opportunity to learn about the social norms of same-
sex romantic relationships before entering offline relationships (i.e., adjusting
their romantic expectations), can significantly reduce the barriers to finding peers
to date, and assist in managing their offline relationships within the constraints of
their social contexts. In addition, spending time to develop a level of online
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intimacy before face-to-face meetings may reduce dating anxiety and offline
rejection experiences by first gaining assurances online that they are in fact
romantically desired. On the other hand, online rejection and the inability to form
meaningful romantic relationships may impede gay identity formation as well as
heighten the rejection-sensitivity status of gay youth. Youth may find themselves
in sexually coercive situations and may comply, engage in sexual encounters, and
feed the loop of rejection-sensitivity. Also, repeated romantic rejection may push
the individual’s trajectory into a negative direction, a potentially harmful spiral
where they are seeking sexual gratification (mediated by the ease of finding
sexual partners in chat rooms) and can be placed at-risk for sexually transmitted
diseases.
Assuming that a significant cohort of sexual-minority youth participate in
chat rooms to search for love, very little is known about their experiences and the
romantic relationships that result from chat room participation. Researchers need
to focus attention on those issues that gay youth face as they use the chat room to
transition into romantic relationships with other gay men. The impact of both on-
and off-line acceptance and rejection on identity development and the mental and
physical health implications of their relationship experiences are also important
areas for further study.
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Future Research Directions Related to Romantic Relationships and Rejection
Future research should focus on how sexual-minority youth are utilizing
chat rooms to search for romantic relationships during the coming-out process and
to explore their developmental implications. For example, how does having the
opportunity to engage in online romantic relationships influence gay identity
development (i.e., self-concept), emotional well-being, and overall perspectives
on gay relationships prior to their participation in offline relationships? Do

sexual-minority youth who search for romantic partners online differ from those
youth who do not participate in chat rooms with regard to sexual and romantic
relationships? How does the chat room context influence the development of
sexual versus romantic relationships? How does online rejection affect self-
esteem, body image, and romantic relationship development?
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IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE
The purpose of this descriptive study was to explore the lived experiences
of young gay men who participated in gay chat rooms as they were coming-out.
The implications for practice are presented in order to inform the expansion of
existing services and the development of appropriate and timely support systems,
as well as to direct future research in program development. First, a call to action
is presented in order to highlight the need to expand outreach efforts to include
the chat room context. Next, suggestions on specific program components to
include in chat room outreach, as well as suggestions for improvement of existing
online outreach services to gay youth are presented.
Expand Outreach Efforts to Include Chat Rooms
It is important for educators, researchers, therapists, and counselors who
work with gay youth to expand their concept of the gay community, or social
context, to include Internet chat rooms. As depicted by the men’s experiences,
chat room participation is a part of the daily lives of many questioning and gay
youth. Hence, more attention should be directed toward capitalizing on the
unprecedented opportunity to access a hard-to-reach population in order to
conduct targeted health promotion efforts and provide supportive services.
This is an important concept for stakeholders to understand, given the
apparent resource investment that many organizations have dedicated towards
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developing a web-presence. To illustrate this point, Healthy People 2010 (U.S.
Department of Health and Human Services, 2000) recommended that health
communication efforts should incorporate development of educational websites
for the dissemination of targeted health information specific for the lesbian, gay,
bisexual, and transgendered communities. The report also called for research
efforts to determine how to best access hard-to-reach populations with particular
attention towards assisting gay youth in dealing with issues of sexual awareness
and gender identity issues. Nowhere in the report was it mentioned that chat
rooms are an important avenue for accessing or providing supportive services to
these populations. This study has demonstrated that chat rooms are playing a
significant role in the lives of young gay men as they come-out. Thus, a major
implication from this study is that chat rooms should be considered a significant
part of the “gay community” and should be incorporated in health campaigns that
target gay youth who are coming-out. This implication calls for the expansion of
the recommendations set forth in Healthy People 2010 to include the chat room
context in addition to the development of supportive and education websites for
questioning and gay youth.
Conduct Online Outreach Via Chat Rooms
There are two major ways in which to expand outreach efforts to support
gay youth; enhance the social support capacity of existing online communities,
and empower/create supportive virtual communities that address the needs of
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questioning and gay youth. Of special import are specific issues and concerns that
questioning and gay youth have as they are coming-out and entering into gay life.
Enhance the Helping Capacity of Online Communities
As part of the “tribal” experience, the men not only received support from
online friends and mentors, they also gave advice. However, I didn’t explore how
the men felt about their ability to provide adequate information and support to
youth who were in the process of coming-out. This is an important area to explore
since gay men online are an important source of social support. Determining
avenues to enhance the helping capacity of existing chat room communities could
be viewed as a means to support identity development and improve the mental
and physical health status of questioning and gay youth. Since chat rooms are an
important source of social support for many gay youth as they come-out, health
educators should explore working with online communities to develop outreach
strategies. For example, an educational campaign could be developed to improve
the peer counseling skills (e.g., increase knowledge about what on- and off-line
services are available), increase awareness of the meanings of online rejection in
the lives of gay youth, and teach participants how to properly handle situations in
which there is a need for suicide prevention action. Peer counseling has been the
cornerstone of health campaigns in the gay community (e.g., AIDS prevention),
and this concept could be expanded to incorporate chat room communities into
peer and mentor support networks.
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Create Virtual Support Groups
It was evident that the ability to reach out to other gay men via the chat
room lowered, if not removed, many of the psychological and social barriers for
the men’s understanding of their sexuality and for receiving social support. Thus,
the interpersonal contacts that are mediated by a chat room (i.e., synchronous
online exchanges) should be viewed as an important way that stakeholders can
provide supportive services to questioning and gay youth. Provision of
synchronous online counseling is of particular importance to those youth who do
not have access to free community-based services (e.g., live in rural areas) and/or
who might be too emotionally inhibited to seek professional help or advice via the
“traditional” phone or face-to-face counseling. Anecdotal evidence suggests that
questioning and gay youth are using e-mail to contact community-based social
support groups to garner advice and support for coming-out (Goodman, 2000;
Ringer, 2002). One could assume that making contact via the Internet may
provide youth with a level of anonymity that is less threatening than making an
attempt to access offline support. Thus, I feel that the provision of professional
and/or mentor-peer monitored virtual support communities would provide many
youth with a non-sexually charged environment to ask questions and receive
support for a variety of issues in their lives.
It should be emphasized that the majority of men in this study were
successful in their transition into the offline gay community with no apparent
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need for professional counseling. However, for some of the men who were
inadvertently discovered to be gay, were living with sometimes overwhelming
stress due to living a double life, or becoming disheartened by their search for
romance, having a professionally moderated virtual support group may be an
important means to provide emotional and informational support. Particularly, the
development of a virtual drop-in center that would provide youth a means to find
support for dealing with the crises moments in their lives, such as suicidal
thoughts, should be explored. In addition, counseling opportunities could be
created online for a variety of issues and concerns prior to their entry into the
offline gay community. For example, specific support groups could be created
with regard to gay sexual health topics (e.g., STD/HIV prevention, sexual
negotiation skills, etc.) prior to their initiation of sexual activity. Other program
components could be developed to help gay youth deal with issues surrounding
their transition into the offline gay world such as self-disclosure, the stress with
living a double life, dating skills, and breaking the cycle of rejection-sensitivity.
Future Research Directions For Chat Room Outreach
Many counselors and therapists are becoming increasingly aware that the
Internet is playing a significant role in the lives of gay youth. However, the
specifics of their chat room experiences have previously lacked description in the
research literature. Having a greater understanding of both the beneficial and
negative experiences associated with chat room participation will inform the
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development of Internet outreach programs. Not only does the Internet provide
stakeholders a means to access a hard-to-reach population, an equally
unprecedented opportunity exists to enroll participants in Internet-based
investigations. Internet-based investigations would provide an important starting
point to conduct needs assessment studies that address the variety of mental and
physical health issues that face gay youth. In addition, virtual communities have
their own cultural norms with regard to online interaction, thus any outreach
project should also involve feasibility studies to determine the most culturally
appropriate means to conduct online investigations and outreach.
Improve Existing Organizational Websites
Despite the fact that the focus of this study was not on the men’s
experiences with organizational websites, certain issues surfaced that need to be
addressed. First, it is difficult to divorce the website experience from the chat
room experience, especially for those men who thought they might be gay as they
first ventured online. While many organizational websites do provide important
information with regard to the coming-out process, findings from this study can
inform the development of specific website program components that may
improve upon existing websites and/or be included in future website projects.
Two major implications that inform the improvement of existing website are
inclusion of role model stories and provision of information on how to prevent
inadvertent discovery from youths’ online activities.
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As described previously, those men that searched for coming-out
information on websites found it helpful to read personal web pages that reflected
stories about gay people’s lives. They generally found personal web pages to be
more beneficial than “factual” type websites. Thus, more emphasis should be
placed on providing a glimpse into gay life via the inclusion of video-based
program elements and role model stories rather than relying solely on text-based
messages. Video-based messages would allow gay youth to “see” and “hear” the
personal stories of gay peers living happy lives and successfully navigating life’s
obstacles with regard to their sexuality. Also, video-based messages could be used
to deliver role model stories that provide vicarious learning experiences to support
gay youth as they come-out. A role model story, grounded in social cognitive
theory (Bandura, 1994), is “an authentic story about an actual person from the
target community. Each story is told in the person’s own language and describes
his or her reasons for thinking about or starting a behavior change, the type of
change begun, how barriers to change were overcome, and the reinforcing
consequences of that change” (Higgins et al., 1997, p. 13-14). For example, role
model stories could be developed that aim to reduce stereotypical ideas about gay
life, depict how and if one should disclose their sexual orientation to family and
peers, and describe how to handle the stress that accompanies living a double life.
In addition, program components should be developed that address specific issues
surrounding chat room participation, such as online rejection, solicitation of
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online sex partners, inadvertent discovery, and dating/romantic relationships (with
particular focus on reducing the rejection-sensitivity status of gay youth).
Another issue of concern is how to best prevent gay youth from being
inadvertently outed as a result of their Internet activities. Thus, it is important to
provide directions to gay youth on how to remove any evidence of their Internet
activities/searches. In addition, organizational websites should be used to provide
sexual-minority youth with free downloadable programs that will remove any data
related to their online gay lives from their computer systems (e.g., hard drives).
Future Research Directions for Organizational Websites
During the course of this study, I was unable to find any published
evaluation studies with regard to online support services for sexual-minority
youths or adults. This is surprising due to the extensive network of organizational
websites, and professionally-monitored e-mail lists and newsgroups dedicated to
supporting sexual-minority youth with issues surrounding coming-out (see
Appendix J). Future research should focus on evaluation studies of existing
organizational websites that aim to support the needs of gay youth, and on the
development and message testing of role model stories.
SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS
The influence of the chat room (i.e., virtual interactions) as part of the
overall social context in which gay youth come-out was unique in that it provided
several of the men in this study the opportunity to interact with other gay men
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prior to face-to-face interactions. This conceptualization significantly alters how
researchers and theorists should view the coming-out process.
By going online, the men were able to experience positive turning point
moments that provided the ability to self-label as gay, to see the positive aspects
of being gay, to feel less isolated, and to enjoy improved self-esteem. The men
were able to form online friendships and mentor-like relationships that served as
important sources of social support. In addition, the relationships that they formed
online eased their entry into the offline gay community and expanded their offline
friendship networks. The ability to explore online romances, find offline sex
partners and boyfriends were important experiences that shaped their meanings
about their gay sexuality.
In addition, this study highlighted the diversity and individual variability
in the coming-out process (i.e., differential developmental trajectories), which
validated my expectation that the chat room was a highly adaptable social tool.
The men were able to use the chat room as a means to transcend their emotional
and social constraints in order to search for self-acceptance, and for acceptance
from other gay men. I found the men were able to create their individual paths to
both on- and off-line gay lives based on their own unique needs, desires, and
circumstances, rather than the chat room environment dictating the developmental
outcomes of the men.
This study also highlighted several risks that the men confronted as a
result of their chat room participation. For instance, entry into a sexually explicit
chat room supported certain negative stereotypes with regard to gay life and may
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have (for some of the men) foreclosed sexual identity development for a period of
time. Also, the ability to use the chat room as a tool to manage secret on- and off-
line gay lives, while closeted to family and friends, may have increased the level
of stress. This may have also led to scenarios of inadvertent discovery that placed
youth at risk of emotional rejection, abandonment, distress, suicide ideation, and
suicide attempts. Problematic experiences also included on- and off-line rejection
due to their physical attractiveness, which may have increased their rejection-
sensitivity status. Negative reactions to rejection can be an increase sexual
frequency, and pressure to participate in unwanted sexual encounters with other
men. Romantic rejection experiences, resulting in feelings of disheartenment,
have the potential to shape the selection, formation, and maintenance of future
romantic relationships.
This study is important because it challenges the ways in which
researchers and theorists conceptualize the coming-out process designating the
chat room (and other virtual environments) as a major social context in the lives
of questioning and gay individuals. Online interactions were shown to have

dramatic influence on the everyday lives of the men in this study.
They used the chat room as a tool to explore their sexuality and to
construct their lives in positive directions. This debunks much of the myths that
surrounds chat room participation as a space where youth somehow lose control
over their lives, in which they fall prey to sexual predators, become sex addicts,
become socially withdrawn, and compartmentalize their gay lives, leading to
foreclosure of their gay sexual identity development. However, chat room
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participation for gay youth was not without concern. Both the positive and
negative trajectories that the men in this study described relating to their chat
room participation have significant mental and physical health implications and
call for future research studies. In addition, by providing stakeholders a glimpse
into the lives of young gay men who come-out online, better social support
programs than are currently available can be developed. For example, counseling
sessions could include topics that directly relate to the chat room experience (e.g.,
searching for romantic relationships), online outreach, and the development and
improvement of websites.
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Appendix A
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This section is the paper that I presented at The British Psychological
Society Centenary Annual Conference, March of 2001, in Glasgow Scotland
entitled, “How Gay Men Are Using Internet Chat Rooms.” I decided to include
the paper as part of the completed dissertation publication because the study
served the dissertation process in three major ways. First, the study served as a
foundation to my understanding of the gay chat room culture, how gay men use
chat rooms, and the meanings that that gay men attribute to their chat room
participation. Secondly, the study allowed me to gain experience in interviewing
gay men about their use of the chat room and issues surrounding sexuality.
Thirdly, the study findings highlighted the importance of chat room participation
in the lives of some of the participants as they were “coming-out.” This study
helped me to refine many of the research questions I had that pertained to the
intersection of gay sexuality, health, and chat room participation. The study
allowed me to focus my dissertation project in exploring the coming-out
experiences of young gay men as they participated in chat rooms. The paper
below was presented as part of the Lesbian and Gay Psychology Section entitled,
“Looking Forward: The Future For Lesbian And Gay Youth,” and is intended to
provide a brief background and rationale to the present dissertation project.
Abstract
This paper discusses the widening use of the Internet as both a social and
sexual medium for young gay men, and considers the implications of Internet-
based interaction for young people as they “come-out.” Reports indicate that gay
men are using Internet chat rooms as an “erotic oasis,” which includes using chat
182
rooms as a virtual cruising ground to find sex partners for “in-real-life”
encounters. With recent reports in the United States of STD transmission being
associated with chat room activity, health professionals have started to focus
efforts towards understanding the link between chat room use and public health
concerns. A qualitative interview-based study was conducted to explore young
men’s accounts of using chat rooms to meet other men in real life. The study used
thematic analysis of twenty face-to-face interviews with gay men within various
age, educational, and levels of chat room involvement. The inquiry, based upon
key informants, addressed motivations, expectations, behaviors, and meanings
associated with chat rooms. The results indicated that different chat room cultures
exist and in turn, influence men’s offline experiences. Similar to other studies,
men were using chat rooms to find sex partners. However, men in this study were
also using chat rooms to socialize, find emotional support, seek relationships, as
well as facilitate initiation into the local offline gay community. Implications for
future research are discussed.
Purpose & Background

The purpose of this qualitative inquiry was to explore the social-sexual
interactions between gay men in chat rooms and to investigate the association
between sexual risk-taking behaviors and online chat room participation. Recent
reports have suggested that seeking partners in chat rooms may serve as a context
for sexually transmitted disease (STD) transmission, highlighting the need for the
establishment of partner notification protocols for potential STD outbreaks
(McFarlane et al., 2000). Seeking sex partners online may be considered a
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potential risk factor for STD transmission (Klausner et al., 2000). Empirical
findings, collected as part of a large Swedish socio-sexual study of men who have
sex with men, suggest that chat room visitors were more likely to engage in
unprotected anal intercourse (UAI) and were younger in age than non-chat room
users (Tikkanen & Ross, 2000). Hence, there is particular concern regarding the
role of the Internet in sexual risk taking behaviors. Ross, Tikkanen, and Månsson
(2000) point to the concept of online “risk-priming” that may contribute to unsafe
offline sexual encounters. Ross and colleagues state:
Where individuals have set up and consummated online a scenario of acts

while interacting on the Internet which would be unsafe in person, a
sexual script has been written. We use the concept of sexual script here as
defined by (Gagon & Simon, 1973) as a repertoire of acts and statuses that
are recognized by social groups. This follows from Goffman’s (1959)
view of self presentation as being analogous to playing a role in a play.
Such a script, played out in person, may be unsafe; and, having been
rehearsed online, may be more resistant to ad lib or change.
It was hypothesized that the uniqueness of online interactions could
provide an anonymous stage, less hindered by the cultural norms of offline sexual
interaction, to freely discuss and negotiate offline sexual acts that in turn could
precipitate individuals to self-justify participation in UAI, which might result in
unsafe sexual behavior. Thus, the goals of this exploratory study were to answer
the following questions, with particular attention to risk taking behaviors: (a) what
are the socio-sexual interactions that occur in chat rooms? and (b) how do online
sexual negotiations play out in offline sexual encounters in regards to sexual risk-
taking behaviors?
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Method & Procedure
The study employed thematic analysis of twenty offline interviews with
self-identified gay men who lived in Austin, Texas. The men were recruited by
convenience sampling through personal networks in the gay community and other
key informants. Inclusion in the study was based on each participant’s statement
that he had used the Internet to connect with other men for sexual purposes.
Analysis of in-depth interviews identified recurrent themes regarding the

participant’s motivations, expectations, behaviors, and meanings associated with
chat room participation. All interviews were conducted and transcribed by the
researcher from October of 1999 through May of 2000. Participants were
interviewed in a location of their choice that included local coffee shops,
restaurants, and private residences. After being briefed on the overall objectives
of the study, written consent was obtained before proceeding to the interview. A
semi-structured interview schedule was used, and the interview was audio-
recorded. Interview time averaged approximately 75 minutes. Participants were
not selected on the basis of race or social economic status and did not receive
remuneration.
Participants
The men ranged in age from 22 to 44 years and were considered educated;
19 of the participants were university degreed or were presently enrolled in a
university or college at the time of the interview. The ethnicity of the participants
included seventeen Caucasian, two Hispanic, and one Eastern-European. This
study did not intend to explore the coming out experiences of the men. However,
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nine of the men described their participation in chat rooms as important to their
coming out process.
Different Chat Systems Used

For the men in this study it was common to participate in different chat
rooms and chat systems (see Figure 1). Gay.com was the most popular chat
system that the men described and was used by seventeen of the participants,
followed by Internet Relay Chat (IRC), and America Online (AOL), with ten and
six users respectively. Only one participant used the video conferencing chat
system ICUII (a computer mediated communication system that supports the
exchange of textual, voice, and video images in real time) for sexual pursuits.
Gay.com and AOL chat rooms were described by the participants as sexually
charged with a focus on “hooking-up,” whereas, the local IRC “channel” (similar
to a chat room) was felt to support and enhance friendly social interactions. The
local gay IRC channel culture emphasized the development of virtual friendships
and the establishment of offline friendship connections. Members placed less
emphasis on finding offline sexual partners and more on socializing with friends.
The distinction between chat room communities, each with their unique “culture,”
is an important one to consider because it can determine an individual’s scope of
experience. All but two of the men participated in more than one chat room.
Participation in specific chat room “culture” and the subsequent influence on
individual experience are discussed in the next section pertaining to the study
findings.
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Figure 1. Different chat systems used by study participants.
Face-to-Face Gay Subculture
Gay.com = 17
IRC = 10
AOL = 6
ICUII = 1
Research Findings
First, a brief discussion of the findings that concern chat room sexual
negotiations and risk priming events are presented. Next, how the participants
described their use of chat rooms with regard to the coming out experience is
analyzed using the following three groupings: a way to participate in the gay
community; a way to “come out”; and expectations to find romance. The
participants’ names have been changed to protect anonymity and the quotes
selected serve as exemplars for each preceding grouping.
Sexual Negotiations & Risk Priming Events

All the men reported offline sexual activity with at least one person that
they had first met online. The majority, seventeen out of twenty, indicated that
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they had routinely used chat rooms to solicit anonymous sex partners, or “one-
night-stands”. However, three of the men indicated that they never had a one-
night-stand with someone that that they had met online; instead they used the chat
rooms to meet other men whom they dated for a period of time before beginning a
sexual relationship.
Online sexual negotiations included the “screening” of potential sex
partners to assess physical looks and sexual desires. Screening typically included
the exchange of photographs and personal descriptions, with general inquiry into
sexual interests and desires (e.g., “What are you into?”) before they agreed to
meet offline. Sexual negotiations consisting of detailed online rehearsals about
future offline sexual activities were uncommon occurrences and were never
related to unsafe sexual behaviors. Most all of the men described they would “go
with the flow” with regard to the actual sexual behaviors that transpired once they
had met their online partners offline. They used the chat room to find men with
similar sexual desires. Indeed, the men agreed that the anonymity of the chat
room allowed them to be very direct and clear on what they wanted sexually from
a potential sex partner.
It was hypothesized that assurances of HIV negative status by both
partners online, or disclosure of HIV positive status by both partners, could
precipitate an agreement to engage in UAI offline. Again, given the anonymous
nature of the chat rooms, it was believed that frank and open discussions could
take place regarding HIV status. Few of the participants routinely asked their
online partners about their HIV status, either online or offline. The men described
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the notion of ‘acceptable risk’ in meeting sex partners from chat rooms, as
expressed by one of the men as, “…you have to assume that everyone is positive
and just play safe. If you play safe you can play often.” However, all the men
understood that disclosure of HIV negative status does not equate to sexual safety
and that disclosure of HIV negative status in sexual negotiations would not justify
them to engage in UAI. For example, one participant arranged his first experience
with anal intercourse with someone he met online. He explained that the
anonymity of the chat room made him feel more comfortable to ask specific
questions about what it was like to be the receptive partner and to discuss the
issues that would assure a safe and pleasurable experience, including condom use
and assurances of HIV negative status,
And we talked about how it was going to happen online because I was like
I have condoms but I don’t have anything else. I don’t really know what ‘s
used…So yeah, we talked about HIV status online and I’d actually been
tested and knew I was negative...And I just trusted him that he was too.
But oh yeah, I don’t care, well if they’re positive I don’t meet them, just
because I don’t even want to go there, but if they’re negative it doesn’t
matter to me, we’re still using a condom. (Larry, 22-year-old college
student)
In this case, the online rehearsal of anal intercourse related to assurances
of safe sex practices suggests chat rooms may be a protective factor for some
individuals by providing a stage to openly discuss sexuality that entails safe sex
practices. But the participant’s rationale of partner selection illuminated by the
phase, “And I just trusted him that he was [HIV negative] too,” suggests that
some men may hold certain assumptions that individuals are honest when they do
disclose a HIV negative status online.
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All the participants felt knowledgeable about the risks associated with the
transmission of HIV and safer sex guidelines that would help prevent infection
from HIV. However, some of the men did report past sexual encounters that they
considered unsafe. Seven of the men reported a past incidence of unprotected anal
intercourse (UAI). For six of the men, the incidences of UAI were classified as
unintentional or unplanned. Examples of such incidences included condom
breakage, a casual sex partner unknowingly taking off the condom during
intercourse, and being caught up in the “heat of the moment.”
Michael, a 22-year-old college graduate, reported having UAI with
someone he met in a chat room. When asked if there was anything about the
online interaction that he felt contributed to his participating in UAI he responded,
No [having UAI] wasn't about anything online, that part just came down to
us here. And how it ended up, was unsafe sex. Well he was seventeen,
which is legal in Texas, and so I really didn't think he had HIV, which is
still stupid, but he probably didn't, well he didn't because I didn't get it,
and we started messing around and he started fucking me and I was way
into it and he was way into it and he came inside me and I absolutely
loved every minute of it.
Kurt, a 22-year-old college graduate, was the only participant who
reported an incident that most closely resembled the concept of risk priming. Kurt
explained that he once met someone in a bareback chat room in which he agreed
to have UAI. His intention when he logged into the chat room was not to have
UAI and he did not have a history of UAI practice with casual sex partners.
I was just [in the bareback room] exploring I guess…and he was really hot
so I just decided to meet him. So I asked him what he was into and he’s
like you know I like to get fucked, he said he liked to get fisted, he liked
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all these raunchy crazy things and I was like you know curious about the
raunchy crazy things. So we were just chatting about that…and he came
over and hung out far a little while and I decided not to do it.
This example does suggest that searching for offline sex partners in chat
rooms may result in the construction of sexual scenarios that lead to unsafe sexual
behaviors. However, in this instance Kurt held to his normative safe sex script
when he decided not to follow through with the UAI arrangement.
It is important to note that one participant reported multiple incidences of

UAI with partners he met in bareback chat rooms. The 38-year-old participant,
who was HIV positive, had the prior intention to solicit sex partners for UAI
when he entered the chat room; thus his unsafe script as acted upon and no change
in a safer sex script occurred. In soliciting partner for UAI he would disclose his
HIV positive status. This participant’s experiences in bareback chat rooms does
support the role of the Internet in allowing individuals with sexually taboo
behaviors to find one another for offline sexual encounters. Future studies should
be directed towards understanding the personal justifications given by those
individuals who use the chat room as a context to seek out other partners to
engage in UAI.
Evidence of risk-priming scenarios did not surface from the interviews.
This finding does not confirm that such scenarios do not exist. Larger quantitative
investigations may be more appropriate to investigate online risk-priming
scenarios.
It was noted that five of the UAI incidences with online partners happened
with men who were aged twenty-five years and under. However, this may simply
191
reflect the fact that the younger men utilized chat rooms more often to find sex
partners, thus increasing the likelihood of a UAI event to occur with online
partners. In addition, the men may have been more candid about disclosing past
UAI events to the researcher. The most important message reflected in the
participant’s stories regarding UAI is that the “risk” associated with soliciting
offline sex partners from chat rooms has more to do with the offline interactions
than online sexual negotiations.
A Way to Participate in the Gay Community

For several of the participants the Internet was more than a tool to find sex
partners; rather it was a way to participate in the local gay community. For these
men the chat room was integrated into their everyday lives as a way to interact
with the gay community around them.
They constructed their “gay community” to consist of both the virtual, or
chat room, community that overlapped with the local offline gay community. The
“overlap” resulted from the men’s desire to enhance their offline social lives on
two levels. On the first level, they used the chat room as a way to connect with
other men with similar interests and needs in order to develop offline friendship
and romantic relationships. On the second level, they used chat rooms as a social
meeting place where they could keep in touch with one another, fortifying the
offline friendship networks they had established. In order to merge both the
virtual and offline communities and to foster the development of virtual and
offline relationships, members from the “gayaustin” IRC channel started the
tradition of meeting at a coffee house on a designated weeknight. The weekly
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gathering at the coffee house served as an integral social context for these men to
meet other gay men.
Sam, a 25-year-old college student, used the IRC channel as a social
outlet. He explained, “I’m a part of the core group. IRC is kinda social. That’s
where we, all my friends, hang out so I chat to see what’s going on during the day
and help each other, whatever, that’s how we keep in touch through the day.”
Kevin, a 31-year-old computer lab supervisor, offered this explanation for how
IRC differed from AOL and other gay chat rooms such as Gay.com.
In the gayaustin [IRC chat channel], they discourage sexual chat in public.
If you want to do it you should do it in private. So we kind of discourage
that and we have power to kick and band off of our channel…And we
always tell them [if your looking for sex] go to AOL. But like I said it’s
gayaustin, so it’s a local channel and a lot of socialize with each other; (a)
you don’t get on there to [have sex], and mostly it’s because we don’t
want to be alone. So we get on and chat. It’s not like we are lonely
people, just have the convenience of not having to being alone and not
going anywhere.
Contrary to much of the negative commentary that the Internet has
received with regard to time spent online reducing social connectedness, the men
felt that chat room participation enhanced their social lives and fostered the
development of offline friendships. The local gay IRC channel culture
emphasized the development of virtual friendships and the establishment offline
friendship connections.
A Way to “Come Out”

Of the twenty participants, nine of the men used chat rooms during their
coming out process. The majority of these men were young in age; eight of the
men were between the ages of 22 and 31 years, while one man was 44-years-old.
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Participation in chat rooms provided the men with an anonymous way to ask
questions about the gay lifestyle, gain a sense of belonging to a gay community,
enabled them make offline friendships, find boyfriends, and discretely arrange
offline sexual rendezvous with other men.
Participation in chat rooms was particularly meaningful for the men who
lived in rural areas, without a visible gay community, as they were coming out.
Larry, a 22-year-old university student, began using chat rooms shortly after he
realized that he was gay and started to have sex with men. At the time he was
living in a small Texas town where he first participated in a gay chat room on
AOL. The anonymity of the chat room allowed him to, as he said, “just kind of
get the feel of what it really meant to be gay, that whole thing”. He continued to
explain the meanings that his participation in chat rooms had in his life as he was
coming out,
It helped me to feel that it was ok to be who I was. To listen, I say listen,

to watch other people type, to read other people’s stories, it was very self
affirming I guess and it made me feel I wasn’t a freak. Cause in the middle
of ------- no one talked about it outside of you know close intimate
situations. So it was a learning experience. There was terminology that I
didn’t know what it was. And I was comfortable online asking what is this
and what exactly do you do during this…the anonymity played a big
factor in it. Cause no one knew who I was…So it was very safe. I think
that was a big reason I went to online because it was so safe behind the
computer screen, because you’ve got a facade you can hide behind.
Troy, a 25-year-old computer specialist, expressed that participation in the
IRC channel provided him a way to ease into his interaction with other gay men,
reducing his anxiety when he decided to meet other gay men offline. He said,
“…without the Internet I’d probably be acting straight somewhere”. He spent
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about a year online making friends and asking questions about the gay lifestyle
before he finally decided to venture out and meet other gay men. He described his
process from passive observer to active participant in the IRC chat community,
which eventually led to his entry into the offline gay community.
I would not have any conversations. I was what they called a lurker. I
would just sit there and observe the conversation. So I was soaking it in
for awhile and then I felt that down the line, slowly but surely, my
socialization into IRC increased quite a bit up to two three hours a night
just on IRC…So that was just my gateway to the world, to the
people…But after a year or so of chatting I finally showed up to coffee,
which is a Thursday night coffee deal.
Troy continued to explain that it was also through the chat rooms that he
met his first boyfriend with whom he had his first same-sex experience, and it was
a way for him develop close friendships with other gay men as he was coming
out.
Kevin also expressed that his participation in the IRC channel changed his
life while he was coming out by allowing him to make friends.
Actually using the Internet as far as ‘gaydom’ goes, it was a really big
help for me because I didn’t come out until 2 years ago and I’m 31. And I
had started going to gay bars but I would always go alone and I would
always come home feeling desolate and disgusted and dejected…But then
I found a gay channel on Internet Relay Chat…and the guys on there
would meet regularly, socially every Thursday for coffee. And because of
that I was able to go and meet 40 gay men at once and get to know them
and all of a sudden from there, turn into a like big Austin gay socialite,
really, just from that one first instance of getting on the Internet. So, as far
as me being gay and the Internet it’s allowed me to do a lot of stuff, but
most importantly to meet other gay men.
The chat rooms were also a place where the men could receive and lend
emotional support and advice. Some of the men spoke about supporting other gay
youth who found their way to the IRC channel; in part because they could
195
remember the difficulties they faced in coming out. Several of the men were
particularly aware of the issues that surround youth in chat rooms, such as the
potential for older more experienced men to take advantage of those less
experienced. Some of the more “senior” IRC members described their role as
somewhat mentor-like in regards to the younger men online. The men described
giving advice to the younger men on IRC that included such things as to meet
men offline in public places and to always practice safe sex. Jack gave his general
opinion regarding the risks associated with young gay men in chat rooms and his
role in giving advice to other young gay men,
I think it’s just another way of meeting people. And I think there are
inherent risks involved in all that. The risks aren’t really much different
than going to a gay or straight bar or any kind of thing. Ah, I do think the
benefits far out weigh the negatives but there is definitely caveat emptor,
it’s definitely buyer beware, and you do have to have a certain degree of
maturity in order to I guess navigate these rooms. You just can’t go in
there like a country bumpkin, 20 years old, and expect not to be [hit
on]…There’s that anonymity if you’re not, you know, a level of maturity
again you can be taken advantage of. So it’s just what I recommend to
everyone is not really having other people drive or do this or do that. I
think if you can hold your own then it’s a good thing.
Expectations of Finding Romance

An important motivation for many of the men to participant in chat rooms
was to find romance. As a group the men indicated they were not always
specifically looking for long-term relationships when they logged online.
However, fifteen out of twenty men shared the common expectation that their
chat room participation might led to a “potential” boyfriend or partner.
The expectation of finding a long-term relationship was a particularly
important construct in the lives of many of the younger men. While a few of the
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men spoke of their successes in finding boyfriends via chat rooms, more were
disheartened by their experiences. While most of the men did not consider any of
their experiences that related to their chat room participation as “problematic,” it
was in terms of search for romance that the men the projected most of their
negative feelings. Five of the younger men (mean age = 24 years) had considered
their online search for offline sex partners to be of concern or in some instances
“addictive”. Indeed, some of the men voiced confusion about how their intentions
to find a boyfriend led to numerous one-night-stands about which they expressed
feelings of guilt and sadness.
Larry was one of the men who became disillusioned about gay
relationships as a result of his online experiences. In his search for romance he
never fell in love, but instead found that his one-night-stands with people that he
met online increased over time. “I found myself hooking up with people more
often. And I had a real guilt complex. Because I knew that I wasn’t looking for
one-night-stands.” When asked to explain the reasons why he went online
searching for sex, he responded,
I almost got to the point that I thought [one-night stands] was

normal…The number of people that were on that were just looking for
that…I think more than anything it’s just like things are socially learned
and if that’s all you experience then that becomes the norm, you know.
And that’s all I was experiencing. And I had, ooo, I had a lot of feelings of
guilt after each time. I would never want to see these people again. You
know because I knew it was a one-night-stand and I felt dirty. You know I
was like ok I’m a slut. And that’s what I was starting to think and I
thought, but even though I had those thoughts I always stayed on. But I
guess just because nothing ever worked out in any type of relationship.
197
Michael also found it challenging to find a relationship with the men he
had met in chat rooms. When asked what he was hoping to find by going online
he responded: “Well on a sexual side, some hot sexy stud or some really good
sex. On the other side that there would be somebody out there like me. And I
would just find I guess my soul mate.” He too voiced concern with regard to the
number of casual sexual partners that he found online. He explained how he
thought his search for romance turned to casual sex,
I think that the Internet helped shaped [my casual sex behavior] because it
was so easy from sixteen on to find sex through the Internet, that I didn’t
have to develop a relationship and then have sex. It was just do it and let’s
have sex. And I always wished that there would be a relationship after
that. But you know I’m 22 now and I’ve figured out that relationships
don’t come after sex it goes the other way around.
The disillusionment of not being able to find a boyfriend or partner may
be more a reflection of youth and inexperience concerning romantic relationships.
It is also important to note that the men’s experiences do not serve as an
indictment that the chat room participation results in the increase in the number of
casual sex partners. Some of the men were successful in finding long-term
relationships and never used the chat room to find one-night-stands. What these
finding do show is that the chat room is an important socio-sexual context for
many young men in search of romantic relationships. But it does suggest the need
to explore issues to cultural influence of participating in a sexually charged chat
room on the sexual behaviors of men, particularly gay youth as they come out.
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Conclusion & Implications
Similar to other studies (Ross, et. al., 2000; Tikkanen & Ross, 2000), the
men were using chat rooms to find sex partners. However, the men were also
using chat rooms to socialize, develop friendship networks, and to find romantic
relationships. The men participated in variety of chat rooms suggesting that
different chat room cultures exist and, in turn, influence men’s off-line
experiences. Chat rooms served as a way for some of the men to “come out” and
transition into a gay lifestyle and served as an integral context to establish
friendship networks, enter into the local gay community, and to find both casual
sex partners and committed relationships.
The main finding from this investigation is that the “chat room” is an
important socio-sexual context in the lives of many gay men and should be
viewed as a significant part of the gay subculture. The findings suggest that
participation in gay chat rooms did not “prime” individuals to participate in
unsafe offline sexual encounters. Rather “risk” for engaging in UAI with partners
met in chat rooms is more likely to be attributed to offline interactions, pre-held

self-justifications about HIV transmission, and intentions to engage in UAI.
For several of the men, the chat room was more than a tool to find offline
sex partners. It was an integral avenue to meet and socialize with other gay men,
particularly for those who were coming out. One could consider participation in a
virtual gay community (e.g., chat room) to be protective in that it can provide a
ready made support group and a way to expand friendship networks. The
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expectation of finding romance was an important construct in the lives of many of
the men in this study, particularly for those men who were coming out.
The findings suggest the appropriateness of and need to include the chat
room context in sexual health interventions, including the development of web-
based outreach programs, with targeted messages for the variety of populations of
men that can be found online. For younger men, health messages should give
particular attention to issues surrounding relationship development. This

highlights the need for research to determine the most appropriate method to
diffuse health related messages and support programs.
Limitations and Future Directions

It should be noted that the research question for this study did not
specifically investigate the coming out experience of the participants in
relationship to their chat room participation. Because very little is known about
how younger gay men experience the coming out process by interacting with
other gay men via chat rooms, future investigations should explore this
phenomenon. This research can inform individuals who aim to support gay youth
regarding the benefits as well as the issues and concerns they face as they come
out in the age of Internet technologies. Also, there is a need to expand research
efforts to include both ethnic minorities and lesbian process of coming out via the
Internet.
200
Appendix B
201
NEEDED
GAY, BI-SEXUAL, & QUESTIONING MEN AGED 18-26
FOR INTERVIEW STUDY
Would you like to participate in the Young Men’s Chat Room Study?
The Young Men’s Chat Room Study is a research project exploring how men
aged 18 to 26 are using chat rooms to explore issues surrounding sexual
orientation and to ‘come-out’ as gay or bisexual. The goal of this study is to better
understand the experiences of young gay, bisexual, and questioning men and
gather information that can be used to develop programs that aim to support the
sexual health of men your age.
Your participation would consist of letting me interview you at a time and place
of your convenience and all information collected will remain strictly
confidential.
If you feel that chat rooms have influence your coming-out and would like to
share your personal stories you can contact me, Allen Thomas, doctoral candidate
in Health Education at the University of Texas at Austin, by email
abthomas@mail.utexas.edu, or phone (813) 259-0029.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
202
Appendix C
203
Gay.com chat room with markers indicating private and group chat screens,
member list, personal profile, hyperlink to personal web page, and email.
Private Chat Room
Group Chat Screen Member List
Personal Profile Hyperlink to personal webpage email
204
Appendix D
205
Young Men's Chat Room Study________________
The Young Men's Chat Room Study is a research project exploring how men
aged 18 to 26 are using chat rooms to explore issues surrounding sexual
orientation and to "come-out" as gay or bisexual. The goal of this study is to
understand the experiences of younger gay, bisexual, and questioning men who
have used Internet chat rooms to help them transition into a gay or bisexual
lifestyle.
Your participation would consist of filling out a brief questionnaire followed by a
face-to-face interview at a time and place at your convenience. All information
collected will remain strictly confidential.
I need your help. This study is the first of its kind and your participation will
contribute to a greater understanding of how men are experiencing coming-out via
chat rooms. If you feel that chat rooms have somehow influenced your coming-
out, and are between the ages of 18 and 26, I would very much like the
opportunity to learn from you. You can contact me, Allen Thomas, by email
abthomas@mail.utexas.edu, phone (813) 382-8705. I'm a graduate student at the
University of Texas at Austin and this is my dissertation research project for my
PhD in Health Education.
Any assistance that anyone could lend in helping me find study participants would
be greatly appreciated.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME - Best Regards, Allen
Below you will find the study consent form that will need to be signed before
participating in the study. The consent form contains more detailed information
regarding the study. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact
me, Allen Thomas, 813-259-0029, abthomas@mail.utexas.edu
WEBSITE CONSENT FORM

"Coming-Out" in the age of Internet Technology: Experiences of Younger
Gay, Bisexual, and Questioning Men
You are invited to participate in a study that explores the experiences of younger
men who have participated in Internet chat rooms as a way to explore issues
surrounding sexual orientation. To understand the issues and concerns that young
men face by participating in chat rooms as they transition into a gay life, we need
to interview men like yourself to learn about individual experiences of using the
206
Internet to connect with other men. This is an opportunity to contribute to a
scientific understanding of young men's experiences with using chat rooms as
they "come-out" that will aid health professionals to better support gay men.
My name is Allen Thomas and I am a graduate student in Health Education at the
University of Texas at Austin. This study is my dissertation research project that
is required for fulfillment of my Ph.D. You are being asked to participate in the
study because you are an adult gay, bi-sexual, or questioning male who has shown
interest in participating in this study. You should have had prior experiences
participating in Internet chat rooms as a way to connect with other men and feel
your experiences have somehow influenced your "coming-out" process. If you
participate, you will be one of approximately twenty people enrolled in the study.
If you decide to participate, I will interview you regarding your experiences of
coming-out, participation in chat rooms, and any 'real life' experiences that
resulted from meeting men online. The interview may last up to an hour and a half
and will be audiotaped. Before the interview I will need you to fill out two
questionnaires. I can email, mail, or drop off the questionnaires at a place
convenient to you. This study is aimed at gathering personal stories as they relate
to chat room participation, both helpful and troublesome. Examples of questions
that will be asked are: Have you had a chat room experience that has changed you
in some way? What has been your experience with meeting men in "real life"
from chat rooms? What advice would you give to someone like yourself that is
going to chat for the first time? I will take notes as you speak to help guide my
questions. You may decline to answer any question. After this interview, I may
ask to contact you for further clarification. You have the option of turning me
down.
The audiotapes will be coded so that no identifying information is on the cassette;
they will be stored in a locked box, accessible only to the investigator and
transcribers. The tapes will be transcribed, and no real names or identifying
information will appear on the transcripts. The tapes will be erased 6 months after
the completion of the study.
Please note that the questions may be personal and sensitive in nature. I may ask
you your personal experiences with issues surrounding your sexual identity, with
using chat rooms for sexual purposes including frequency of use, specific sexual
behaviors, or your perception of your experience. If you are not comfortable
answering a specific question, you may choose to not answer the question. Some
of the risk, discomforts and inconveniences that are reasonable to be expected
from this study are feeling uncomfortable with the topic, feeling that your privacy
is being invaded, feeling that you don't know or have the answers to certain
207
questions, or perceiving the interview as an attempt to obtain privileged
information.
Among the benefits that may reasonably be expected by participating in this study
are the opportunity to state your point of view on the subject and the opportunity
to contribute to a better understanding of gay sexuality. You have the opportunity
to ask questions, and may gain insight or understanding of your own experiences.
Any information that is obtained in connection with this study and that can be
identified with you will remain confidential and will be disclosed only with your
permission. Your responses will not be linked to your name in any written or
verbal report of this research project.
Your decision to participate, or if you decide not to participate, will not affect
your present or future relationship with The University of Texas at Austin or Out
Youth, Inc.
If you have any questions about the study, please ask me. If you have any
questions later, call me, Allen Thomas, in Tampa (813) 259-0029, or by email
abthomas@mail.utexas.edu. You may call my supervisors, Professor Elizabeth
Edmundson-Drane, Ph.D. in Austin at (512) 471-8185, or Professor Mike Ross,
Ph.D. in Houston at (713) 500-9652. You will be given a copy of this consent
form for your records. You are making a decision whether or not to participate.
Your signature below indicates that you have read the information provided above
and have decided to participate in the study. If you later decide that you do not
want to participate in the study, simply tell me. You may discontinue your
participation in this study at any time.
Printed Name of Participant ___________________________________
Signature of Participant ______________________ Date__________________
Signature of Investigator ______________________ Date_________________
208
Appendix E
209
CONSENT FORM
Social Connections and Internet Technology Among Gay Men:
Sexual Intimacy and Behavior
You are invited to participate in a study that investigates the use of the Internet
among gay men regarding sexual intimacy, behavior, and health. To understand
the impact of the Internet on the sexual health of gay men, we need to interview
men like yourself to learn about individual experience of the Internet to connect
with other men for sexual purposes both on-line and in-real-life (IRL). This is an
opportunity to contribute to a scientific understanding of gay men’s experiences
with utilizing the Internet for sexual purposes.
My name is Allen Thomas, MS, MEd. I am a graduate student in Kinesiology

and Health Education doctoral program at the University of Texas at Austin. This
study is conducted in partial fulfillment of the requirements of my dissertation.
Elizabeth Edmundson-Drane, PhD is my supervising professor. We will use the
results of this study in efforts to better define and describe the phenomenon of
using the Internet for sex and it’s impact of the sexual health of gay men.
You were selected as a possible participant in this study because you are an adult
gay male who has shown an interest in participation in the study. You should
have had prior experiences related to using the Internet to connect wit other men
for sexual purposes. If you decide to participate, you will begin an interview
process in which you will be the expert on your own experiences and I will be the
student. During the interview, I will ask you a series of question that pertain to
your personal experience with using the Internet to connect with other men and its
impact on your sexual health. Interview will be tape-recorded. I will take notes
as you speak to help guide my questions. You may decline to answer any
question. The interview may last up to an hour. After this interview, I may ask to
contact you for further clarification. You have the option of turning me down.
The tapes will be coded so that no identifying information is on the cassette; they
will be stored in a locked box, accessible only to the investigators and
transcribers. The tapes will be transcribed, and no real names or identifying
information will appear on the transcripts. The tapes will be erased after the
transcriptions.
210
Please note that the questions many be of personal and sensitive nature. I may ask
you your personal experiences with using the Internet for sexual purposes
including the frequency of use, specific sexual behaviors, or your perception of
your experiences. If you are not comfortable answering a specific question, you
may choose to not answer the question.
Some of the risks, discomforts and inconveniences that are reasonable to be

expected from this study are feeling uncomfortable with the topic, feeling that
your privacy is being invaded, feeling that you don’t know or have the answers to
certain questions, or perceiving the interview as an attempt to obtain privileged
information.
Among the benefits that may reasonably be expected by participating in this study
are the opportunity to state your point of view on the subject and the opportunity
to contribute a better understanding of gay sexuality. You have the opportunity to
ask questions, and may gain insight or understanding of your own experiences.
Information obtained from the interview will be presented as excerpts of the

interview, with pseudonyms (fake names). Complete stories, names, or
identifying dates will not be used so that your identity will be protected.
Your are making a decision whether or not to participate. Your signature

indicates that you have read the information provided above and have decided to
participate. You may withdraw any time after signing the form, if you decide to
discontinue participation in this study. Your decision whether or not to
participate will not affect your future relations with The University of Texas. No
compensation will be made to individuals participating in this study.
If you have any questions, please ask me. If you have any questions later, please
contact me. I will be happy to answer your questions. I believe that
understanding gay sexuality is important to the gay community. The easiest way
to contact me is by email at abthomas@mail.utexas.edu. You can also leave a
message for me on campus at 471-4405 or by using Dr. Elizabeth Edumundson-
Drane’s direct office line (with confidential answering machine). Please feel free
to call or contact Dr. Edmundson-Drane at anytime. You may keep a copy of this
form.
________________________________ ________________
Signature of Participant Date
________________________________ ________________
Signature of Investigators Date
211
Appendix F
212
Questionnaire for Young Men’s Chat Room Study
Directions: This questionnaire concerns some of your general attitudes,

knowledge, and experiences. Depending on the item you will either circle your
response, place an “X” where indicated, or fill in the blank with your answer.
For scale type questions (example below) place on X anywhere on the line that
indicate the degree in which you feel:
Not very Very strongly
(1) (2) (3) X (4) (5)

(1) (2) (3) (X) (5)
A. SELF IDENTIFICATION
1. How would you identify yourself? Would you say you are...
Straight Transvestite
Bisexual man Bisexual woman Transsexual
Gay man Gay woman Asexual
Homosexual Lesbian No clear preference
Queer Dyke Man who has sex with Men
2. How strongly do you identify as indicated in question 1?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
3. How proud are you of being as indicated in question 1?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
4. At what age did you come out?

a. to yourself? _____
b. to your closest friends? _____ _____ have not done so
c. to your family? _____ _____ have not done so
d. to your co-workers? ______ _____ have not done so
5. In general, how would you rate your degree of “outness”?
Totally in Totally out

the closet of the closet
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
213
B. SOCIAL NETWORK & RELATIONSHIPS
6. How many of your friends are gay / homosexual / queer?
Would you say…
1) Most 2) Half 3) A few 4) None
7. How do the majority of you gay friends identify themselves?
8. In the last year, approximately how many sexual partners have you had?
A) How many are men? _____ B) How many are women? _____
9. Are you presently involved in a romantic relationship? Yes / No

Are you presently involved in a sexual relationship? Yes / No
Do you have sex with casual partners? Yes / No
Does your partner know about this? Yes / No
Is your relationship preference: Monogamous / Open / None
10. Do you refer to the person you are involved with as your:
date lover spouse
friend partner
boyfriend girlfriend
11. How long have you “been with” this person? __________
12. How would you classify your partner? Is s / he….
214
13. How would your partner identify him/herself?
14. Have the two of you had a commitment ceremony? Yes / No
15. Have you had a commitment ceremony with a previous partner? Yes / No
C. SOCIAL PARTICIPATION
16. How often do you go to gay-identified / gay-friendly coffee shops,
restaurants, etc.?
Weekly Monthly Yearly (a couple Rarely Never
Daily of times a year)
( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
17. How often do you go to gay bookstores/bookshops?

( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
18. How often do you go to gay dances/raves/circuit parties?

( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
19. Have you ever attended a gay pride parade/picnic? Yes / No
20. How often do you attend gay-sponsored activities, e.g. political or benefit
events?
( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
215
21. How often to you go to gay bars?
( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
22. How often to you go to gay bathhouses?

( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
23. Are you a member of any gay social or political club? Yes / No
24. Are you a member of a gay professional organization? Yes / No
D. KNOWLEDGE OF HISTORY AND SYMBOLS

25. Do you know of anything about the history of Stonewall? Yes / No
26. Do you know what the rainbow flag and rainbow rings represent?
Yes / No
27. Do you know what the color lavender represents? Yes / No
28. Do you know what a pink triangle represents? Yes / No
29. Do you ever wear any gay symbols, e.g. rainbow rings, pink triangles?
Frequently / Occasionally / Rarely / Never
E. MEDIA
30. How often do you read local (based in your state or city) gay newspapers?
Weekly / Monthly / Every few months / 1-2 times a year / Never
31. How often do you read national gay newspapers (e.g. The Advocate)?
32. Is this a subscription or single/borrowed copies? Subscription / Single
33. How often do you listen to gay radio programs or watch gay TV
programs?
216
34. How many times in the past year have you seen a movie with a gay plot?
Monthly / Every few months / 1-2 times a year / Rarely / Never
35. Have you ever used a gay bulletin board or gay features on the Internet?
Yes / No
36. How many times in the past year have you read a book with a gay theme
(non-fiction or novel)?
37. How often do you go to gay beaches?

38. How often do you go on holiday to cities with large gay subcultures (e.g.
San Francisco, New York)?
39. How often do you go on gay cruises, tours, or other organized out of town
gay group events?
40. How often do you go to gay or gay-related conferences?

41. Do you have any professionals who you see as a client/patient (e.g.
physician, dentist, lawyer, accountant) who you know are gay?
Yes / No
42. Are you a member of any gay sporting, professional or social

organizations?
Yes / No
F. PRIVATE LIFE
43. What proportion of your leisure time with others is spent with gay or
bisexual people?
All / Most / About half / Less than half / Little / None
44. Make a note (write their initials in the margin or on a separate scrap of
paper) of the number of people you could discuss a personal problem (e.g.
problems in your relationship with a close friend or lover) with. Give the
proportion of those who are gay or bisexual as compared to straight (e.g. 6
out of 10).
_____ out of _____ .
217
45. From how many heterosexual people do you conceal your homosexuality?
All / Most / Some / Few / None
46. Would there be problems at work if people found out that you are gay?
Many / Some / Few / None / People already know
47. Has (or would) being labeled gay/homosexual bother you?

Yes / Somewhat / No
48. Have you experienced anti-gay discrimination by other people?

49. Please tell me about the most recent incident of anti-gay discrimination
that you can remember:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________
50. To what extent are gay people discriminated against in your local
community or place where you live?
A lot / By some people / Very little / Never
G. DEMOGRAPHICS
51. How old are you? _____
52. How many years did you go to school?

High School _____ College / University _____
53. What is your present occupation? _____________________________
54. In what city / town / community do you live? ___________________

Do you live in what is considered a “gay” neighborhood? Yes / No
55. How would the Census classify you in terms of marital status?__________
56. What is your racial / ethnic identification? ____________________
57. How proud are you of your racial / ethnic identity?

Not at all Extremely proud
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
218
58. Where were you born (City & Country)? _____________________
59. If born overseas, how long have you been living in the U.S.? _____
60. Other than English, what language(s) do you speak? ________________
61. What is your family annual household income? $ ____________
(By family we mean you and your partner if the two of you live together and
and share expenses, or you and your family of origin if you live with your
parents, or you and your spouse and other members of your household if you
are legally married).
62. What is your religious affiliation (if any)? ______________________
63. How religious a person would you say you are?

Not at all Extremely
religious
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
H. FOCUSED IDENTITY (Ethnic Gay Acculturation)

Although most people belong to one primary social or cultural community, for
some people, more than one community is important. For example, the fact that
you are a member of an ethnic or racial community may be as important to you,
as the fact that you are a member of the gay community.
64. Please rate on a scale of one to three the category that is the most
important to you to one that is the least important category:
_____ Being gay / queer / etc.
_____ Being a member of your ethnic/racial group
_____ Being a gay/queer in your ethnic/racial group
65. Have you experienced discrimination by other gays/queers? Yes / No
219
66. Please tell me about the most recent incident of discrimination by a gay
person(s) that you can remember:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
__________________
67. To what extent is your ethnic/racial group discriminated against in your

local community or place where you live?
A lot / By some people / Very little / Never
68. To what extent is your ethnic/racial group discriminated against by your

local gay community?
69. Please tell me about your friends:

a. How many of your “straight” friends are members of your
ethnic/racial category? _____%
b. How many of your “gay” friends are members of your ethnic/racial
category? _____%
I. INTERNET USE
70. In the space provided below please list all the ways you presently use the
Internet (i.e. the reasons you go online).
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
__________________________________________
220
Appendix G
221
Interview Schedule:
Tell me about how you “came-out” by participating in chat rooms? (Where did
the Internet come into play in your overall process?)
What drew you to participate in chat rooms? What were you looking for?
Did you find it?
How have your chat room experiences changed your life?
What did you learn about gay life through the chat room? What did you learn
about yourself? What types of impressions of gay life/community did you gain
from being online?
I want you to think about the issues you’ve had to face with regard to your
coming-out. How has being online helped or hindered these issues?
Tell me about the positive experiences (benefits) that have resulted from going
online? How did they change you?
Tell me about the negative experiences (problems) that have resulted from going
online? How did they change you?
Did you feel you had more control over your entry into a gay lifestyle by going
online? Tell me about some of the interactions online that resulted in face-to-face
meetings, and how that changed your views about your sexuality? Did your online
experiences/conversations help with face-to-face interactions, how so?
222
Appendix H
223
Selected items from the socio-demographic questionnaire. Group averages are
presented first followed by individual summary.
Section/Question Possible Answers Distribution Mean Range Standard
of Deviation
Responses
Self-identification
How would you identify Gay/Homosexual/Queer, Gay (100%) ---- ---- ----
yourself? Bisexual, Straight,
Asexual, No Clear
Preference, Man who has
sex with Men
How strongly do you Range 1-5 (not very to very ---- 4.38 3-5 .74
identify as being gay? strongly)
How proud are you of being Range 1-5 (not very to very ---- 4.19 2.5-5 .76
gay? strongly)
In general, how would you Range 1-5 (totally in the ---- 3.82 2.5-5 1.1
rate your degree of closet to totally out of the
“outness” closet)
Private Life
What proportion of your 1 = All, 2 = Most, 3 = ---- 2.75 2-5 .87
leisure time with others is About half,
spent with gay or bisexual 4 = Less than half,
people? 5 = Little, 6 = None
From how many 1 = All, 2 = Most, 3 = ---- 3.67 2-5 .99
heterosexual people do you Some, 4 = Few,
conceal your 5 = None
homosexuality?
Social Network &
Relationships
How many of your friends 1 = Most, 2 = Half, ---- 1.75 1-3 .75
are gay/homosexual/queer? 3 = A few,
4 = None
Are you presently involved Yes / No Yes (16.7%) ---- ---- ----
in a romantic relationship? No (83.3%)
Do you have any Yes / No Yes (41.7%) ---- ---- ----
professionals who you see No (58.3%)
as a client/patient (e.g.
physician, dentist, lawyer,
accountant) who you know
are gay?
Social Participation
How often do you go to 1 = Daily, 2 = Weekly, 3 = ---- 2.83 2-6 1.34
gay-identified/gay-friendly Monthly
coffee shops, restaurants, 4 = Yearly (a couple of
etc.? times a year),
5 = Rarely, 6 = Never
How often do you go to gay As above ---- 3.75 2-6 1.49
bookstores/bookshops?
How often do you go to gay As above ---- 2.58 2-4 .79
bars?
Have you ever attended a Yes / No Yes (66.7%) ---- ---- ----
gay pride parade/picnic? No (33.3%)
224
(continued)
Section/Question Possible Answers Distribution Mean Range Standard
of Deviation
Responses
Are you a member of any Yes / No Yes (66.7%) ---- ---- ----
gay social or political club? No (33.3%)
Knowledge of History &
Symbols
Do you know of anything Yes / No Yes (58.3%) ---- ---- ----
about the history of No (41.7%)
Stonewall?
Do you know what the Yes / No Yes (75%) ---- ---- ----
rainbow flag and rainbow No (25%)
rings represent?
Do you ever wear any gay 1 = Frequently, 2 = ---- 2.75 1-4 1.14
symbols, e.g. rainbow rings, Occasionally,
pink triangles? 3 = Rarely, 4 = Never
Media
How often do you read 1 = Weekly, 2 = Monthly, ---- 2.67 1-5 1.30
local (based in your state or 3 = Every few months,
city) gay newspapers? 4 = 1-2 times a year,
5 = Never
How often do you read As above ---- 2.83 1-5 1.03
national gay newspapers
(e.g. The Advocate)?
How many times in the past 1 = Monthly, 2 = Every ---- 2.42 1-5 1.17
year have you seen a movie few months,
with a gay plot? 3 = 1-2 times a year,
4 = Rarely,
5 = Never
How many times in the past As above ---- 3.25 1-5 1.42
year have you read a book
with a gay theme (non-
fiction or novel)?
Gay Tourism
How often do you holiday 1 = Monthly, 2 = Every ---- 3.75 1-5 1.29
to cities with large gay few months,
subcultures (e.g. San 3 = 1-2 times a year,
Francisco, New York)? 4 = Rarely,
5 = Never
How often to you go on gay As above ---- 4.58 3-5 .79
cruises, tours, or other
organized out of town gay
group events?
225
Selected MMGAS Markers 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
Alex Brian Cliff Dave Eric Fred Greg Henry Ian Josh Kevin Luke Marc
How proud are you of being 2.5 4.5 4 3.5 4.3 5 5 4.5 4.5 5 3.8 3.5 3.5
gay/homosexual? Range 1-5 (not very to
very strongly)
In general, how would you rate you 1.8 4.5 4 4.5 4 4 5 4.8 3.5 2 4.8 3.5 4.2
degree of “outnetss”? Range 1-5 (totally
in the closet to totally out of the closet)
From how many heterosexual people do 4 4 2 4 2 4 5 5 3 4 3 4 4

you conceal your homosexuality?
1=All, 2=Most,, 3=Some, 4=Few,
5=None
How many of your friends are gay 1 3 2 2 1 2 1 1 1 3 2 2 1

1=Most, 2=Half, 3=A few, 4=None
How often do you go to gay- 2 2 3 2 3 2 2 2 2 6 5 2 2
226
identified/gay-friendly coffee shops,
restaurants, etc.? 1=Daily, 2=Weekly,
3=Monthly, 4=Couple of times a year,
5=Rarely, 6=Never
How often do you go to gay bars? 3 3 3 2 2 2 5 2 2 6 6 2 2
Responses same as above
Are you a member of any gay social or Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes No Yes No No Yes Yes
political club?
Do you ever wear any gay symbols, e.g. 3 3 4 1 3 1 3 3 3 4 4 1 2

rainbows rings, pink triangles?
1=Frequently, 2=Occasionally, 3=Rarely,
4= Never
How often do you read local gay 3 1 4 2 3 3 3 1 1 5 4 2 1
newspapers?
1=Weekly, 2=Monthly, 3=Every Few
Months,. 4=1-2 times a year, 5=Never
How often do you read national gay 3 2 3 3 4 3 1 2 3 5 3 2 1

newspapers? Responses same as above
Appendix I
227
228
Appendix J
229
Gabi Clayton’s List of Online Resources
for
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgendered Youth.
The following list of references were complied by Gabi Clayton are listed
with her permission (htt://www.youth-guard.org/gabi) and is a tribute to her son
Bill. She states, “This page is in honor of one of my two sons, Bill Clayton. Bill
was openly bi-sexual. In April of 1995, he was assaulted in a hate crime here in
Olympia, WA (USA). On May 8, 1995 Bill committed suicide, despite loving
support from his family, friends and many wonderful people in our community.
Bill was 17 years old. He was a bright, warm and creative young man. He is
greatly missed. Please remember him, and speak out to end discrimination, hate
speech and violence against people who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and
transgendered -- and against anyone for any reason. My site focuses on GLBTQ
issues, but it is all connected. We are all connected. And silence is where the hate
grows.”
Youth Guardian Services (YGS) - provides a safe haven on the Internet for gay,
lesbian, bisexual, trans, questioning, gay-friendly, and HIV+ youth. YGS runs the
YOUTH13-17, YOUTH17-21, YOUTH21-25, STR8 (for straight ally youth),
and POSITIVE YOUTH (for young people 25 years old or younger living with
HIV) e-mail support lists. These lists are a great way for youth to talk with each
other concerning such issues as coming out, schools, parents, friends,
relationships, and other issues. The age policy is strictly enforced, and the lists are
managed by peers. No grown-ups allowed! http://www.youth-guard.org
AFSC (American Friends Service Committee) Pacific NW Region Gay,

Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning (GLBTQ) Youth Program -
Seattle, WA - The GLBTQ Youth Program's mission is "To promote and support
diversity as we empower gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning
youth and the adults who work with them." The core of the program is its
internships for GLBTQ youth ages 14-22. Through paid internships the program
provides youth with an opportunity for both personal and professional activist
development. http://www.afsc.org/pdesc/pd315.htm
Bonus Round Gay Youth Page – A resource page for Teens & Young Adults
who might be gay or have friends who have same gender attraction. "This page is
dedicated to the Loving Memory of: Bill Clayton, Robbie Kirkland, Joey Lopitz,
and Jacob Lawrence Orosco, whose deaths in the war against bigotry make me
stop and realize how much work still needs to be done. And how much we all
have at stake. Here's the deal: the highest rate of HIV infection is among the
young. Also, it is estimated that a teen in the United States takes his or her own
230
life every 5 hours because he or she is gay, bisexual, transgender, or lesbian. This
is because having same sex attraction in a hetero world can be very scary." - Steve
Schalchlin. http://bonusround.com/gayyouth/
Safe Schools Youth Zine - The Safe Schools Coalition's youth edition of the
Resource Guide with poetry, essays and art by youth. The mission of the
Coalition is "to help schools - at home and all over the world - become safe places
where every family can belong, where every educator can teach, and where every
child can learn, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation."
http://www.safeschoolzine.org/
Stonewall Youth - Olympia, WA - Dedicated to providing peer support,

information and advocacy for bisexual, gay and lesbian youth and youth who
have questions about their orientation, age 21 and under.
http://www.stonewallyouth.org/
Lambert House - Seattle, WA - An activities and resource center for lesbian,

gay, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning youth between the ages of 14-22.
http://www.lamberthouse.org/
Oasis Youth Center - Tacoma, WA - a safe and educational environment for

gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and questioning youth ages 14-24. This is a
youth driven program - all policies and group activities are set by the youth for
the youth. http://members.xoom.com/OasisYouth/index.html
Advocates for Youth - dedicated to creating programs and promoting policies

which help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their
sexual and reproductive health. They provide information, training, and advocacy
to youth-serving organizations, policy makers, and the media in the U.S. and
internationally. http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/
Ambiente Jóven - an online community for Latino and other Spanish speaking
queer youth. http://www.ambientejoven.org
Being Gay Is Okay (BGIOK) – a gay youth support site from the UK with
coming out stories, advice and strategies, “gay myths exposed” and more
http://www.bgiok.org.uk
Bisexual Youth - information and resources, a project of the Bisexual Resource

Center. http://www.biyouth.org/
231
Broder13 Dot Com > About Me > My Life In a Flash - "Life can be a bitch
sometimes, to better explain... allow me to recap my life so far..." a powerful flash
animation autobiography. http://www.broder13.com/ellen/ellen.html
The Cool Page for Queer Teens! - resources for gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and
transgendered youth. A wonderful site by Scott Bidstrup, who also does "For
parents of the newly-out" (see families/friends page).
http://www.bidstrup.com/cool.htm
DALnet's #GayTeens IRC Channel - "Our goal is to foster a safe and sane
channel for gayteens and their friends where sharing, support, friendship, and fun
are a focus." http://dalnets_gayteens.tripod.com/dalnetsgayteens/
E L I G H T - an online community for glbt youth and young adults, providing a

safe forum for youth to speak out, to share, and to find others like themselves in
times when they feel the loneliest. ELIGHT was created to allow all gay youth
help understand their sexuality and to have a place to express concerns with other
gay youth. http://www.elight.org/
High Contrast: Shades of Our Identity - an exhibit by a group of LGBTQQ

(Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning) and straight ally
high school students from the Bay Area who came together to use photography to
express their experiences and convictions. These students, of different races,
sexualities, genders, and class backgrounds, have shared their vision and voice in
the hope that people will see and hear them. They created High Contrast to be
used as an organizing tool for GSAs and a curriculum tool for teachers. This
exhibit uses art as a means for change -- to show people what they may not
choose to see, to incite dialogue, and to inspire transformation. This was a
collaboration of the Gay Straight Alliance Network, LYRIC and the Wedge
Program of the San Francisco Department of Health.
http://www.gsanetwork.org/highcontrast/
Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Trans Youth of Color - from Youth Resource, a project
of Advocates for Youth. Articles and resources for Black, Asian and Pacific
Islander American, Latina & Latino and Native American LGBT youth.
http://www.youthresource.com/feat/poc/
Mogenic – Australian based ‘zine and online community for gay and lesbian
youth. http://www.mogenic.com
232
The National GLBT Years Book - sponsored by PFLAG in Reno Nevada, is on-
line gallery of the middle and high school year book pictures of gay, lesbian,
bisexual & transgender adults presented anonymously. "Our purpose in building
this collection is to show that: (1) GLBT teenagers aren't a new phenomenon. (2)
GLBT youth aren't just statistics, but individuals. (3) GLBT youth look just like
all other youth - and have, for generation upon generation of year book pictures."
http://www.gayyearbook.com
National Youth Advocacy Coalition (NYAC) - improving the lives of gay,

lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth. Information on the site on the Bridges
Project, Youth Connections, and Safe Zone. http://www.nyacyouth.org/
Oasis - an online webzine written by, about and for queer and questioning youth.
http://www.oasismag.com/
One Out of Every Ten - a powerful site done by a PFLAG-Talk friend. He says:
"A high impact site created by a 16 year old gay teenager to vividly express his
personal experience on his journey of sexual discovery being a gay. This site also
features a collection of true stories and experiences of gay, lesbian and bisexuals
and at the same time, fights to stop homophobia. Perhaps what makes this site so
powerful and emotionally moving is that everything here is ... real and true."
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/4808/
!OutProud!, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual &

Transgender Youth - provides advocacy, information, resources and support.
"Our goal is to help lesbigay youth become happy, successful, confident and vital
gay, lesbian and bisexual adults. We provide outreach and support to lesbigay
teens just coming to terms with their sexual orientation and to those
contemplating coming out. We let them know they're not alone by helping them
find local sources of friendship and support. We believe in effecting change at a
grass-roots level by catalyzing and fostering the development of a new generation
of lesbigay teen activists who will take positions at the forefront of our civil rights
and social movements." http://www.outproud.org/
The Peer Listening Line - 1-800-399-PEER - provides an anonymous and

confidential forum where young people can get help, information, referrals, and
support for a range of issues. Young people up to about 23 years of age can talk to
a peer without being judged or rushed into any decision they are not prepared to
make. Issues include sexuality and safer sex practices, coming out, HIV and
AIDS, depression and suicide, and anti-gay/lesbian harassment and violence.
http://www.fenwayhealth.org/
233
Politically Minded Gay Youth - an online community for preteen to college
aged gays who like politics, created by a political science major at Indiana
University of Pennsylvania.
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/politicallymindedgayyouth
RESYST - a national political and cultural resource for queer activists and
educators, particularly young women, youth of color, working class youth, trans
youth and other young people from marginalized communities, working to build a
movement of youth united for radical social change. http://resyst.org/
Revolutionary Voices - an online art & culture forum for queer youth. Through
poetry, painting, prose, sculpture and other forms of creative expression, the
youth in RV speak about oppression, resistance, identity and survival.
http://resyst.org/revolutionaryvoices/index.html
Scouting For All - working to get the Boy Scouts of America to rescind its policy
of discrimination against gay youth and adults. http://www.scoutingforall.org/
The Shared Heart - Portraits and Stories Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual
Young People - Educational Resources on Sexual Orientation. (a book/photo
exhibit/curriculum on LGBT young people) http://world.std.com/~shheart/
and The P.E.R.S.O.N. Project has a great brochure for it in .pdf format at
http://www.youth.org/loco/PERSONProject/Resources/Books/SharedHeartB
rochureII.pdf
Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE) empowers students in

elementary/middle/high school and college to create their own solutions and
strategies for safer schools and communities, to promote awareness of non-
violence and pursue a message of peace.
http://www.mavia.org/save/default.html
TransProud - OutProud's site for transgender youth - news, message boards &
lots of resources. http://www.transproud.com/
Wiretap - "Youth in pursuit of the dirty truth"- an independent information

source by and for socially conscious youth, with investigative news articles,
personal essays and opinions, artwork and activism resources that challenge
stereotypes, inspire creativity, foster dialogue and give young people a voice in
the media. http://www.wiretapmag.org/
234
YoungGayAmerica aims to save lives by educating and informing queer youth
about their importance and relevance to society by placing their individual stories
in an international forum and context; fostering and encouraging the exchange of
ideas by queer youth on issues pertinent to queer youth; and promoting positive
self-image and sense of belonging. YGA’s purpose is to educate, inform, and
enhance the lives of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Intersexed, Queer,
Questioning, and Closeted youth. http://www.younggayamerica.com/
Youth Assistance Organization (YAO or YOUTH.ORG, sometimes also

known as Youth Action Online) - this organization was formed to provide for
the needs of queer youth; the need for a rare opportunity to express themselves, to
know they are not alone, and to interact with others who have already accepted
their sexuality. http://www.youth.org/
Youth Resource (YR) - a project of the Advocates for Youth in Washington, DC.
"We are here to help youth who are questioning their sexual orientation. If you do
not identify with being straight, then check us out and we can help you with any
questions you have that you need help with answering. YR offers a confidential
place where kids can get information about things in their life - where they can
feel comfortable and ask the questions that are on their mind."
http://www.youthresource.com/ and the excellent YR library at
http://www.youthresource.com/library/
Coming out stories on the web - http://www.comingoutstories.com
The Fine Art Of Being Come Out To: A Straight Person's Guide to Gay
Etiquette - and - Beyond Coming Out: Long-Term Strategies For Not Pissing
Your Gay Friends Off by The Plaid Adder
http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/intro.html
gayhelp.org - "Geoffrey Sieff and Gilly Rosenthal dedicate gayhelp.org, formerly

AllTogether.com, to Bill and Gabi Clayton and to all other parents and children
who discovered homophobia to be a fatal disease. We offer this website in the
hopes that the world will recover as quickly as we and our families were lucky
enough to do." The Zap Panel has answered some common questions, and allows
you to ask questions and select whom to "talk" with from a menu of possible
guides: gay and lesbian people, bisexual and transgendered people, closeted and
out people, parents, priests, teens and adults. Also resources and more.
http://www.gayhelp.org/
235
HRC's National Coming Out Project - promotes honesty and openness about
being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender on campus, in the workplace and in the
community. It is an extension of the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming
Out Day — founded by activists who believed that GLBT people needed to be
visible and that equality could not be achieved from the closet.
http://www.hrc.org/ncop/
236
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Vita
Allen Britton Thomas was born September 19, 1965, in Bristol, Virginia,
the son of Larry Allen Thomas and Jeanne Marie Thomas. After graduating from
Virginia High School, he entered Clemson University, where he earned the degree
of bachelor of science in microbiology in 1987. In 1988 he entered North Carolina
State University, from which he received the degree of master of science in food
science with an emphasis in food microbiology. In the summer of 1993 he entered
the Graduate School at the University of Texas at Austin in the Department of
Kinesiology and Health Education, where he earned the degree of master of
education. During the next two years he was a personal fitness trainer and
consultant in Atlanta, Georgia. In August of 1997 he entered the doctoral program
in Health Education in the Graduate School at the University of Texas at Austin in
the Department of Kinesiology and Health Education.
Permanent address: 95 Terrace Drive, Bristol, VA 24201
This dissertation was typed by Allen Thomas.

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Allen Britton Thomas

Internet Chat Room Participation and the Coming-Out

Nell Gottlieb, Co-Supervisor

Michael Ross, Co-Supervisor

Allen Britton Thomas, B.S., M.S., M.Ed.

The University of Texas at Austin

for the Degree of

The University of Texas at Austin

ProQuest Information and Learning Company

To my partner Gary, for all your love and support

Stephanie Thomas, who have always encouraged me to follow my dreams. My

effort that my committee and faculty members have contributed to my learning

Allen Britton Thomas, Ph.D.

The University of Texas at Austin, 2002

Supervisors: Nell Gottlieb and Michael Ross

participated in Internet chat rooms as they were coming-out. Self-identified gay

Americans, two Hispanic-Americans, and two African-Americans. The study

of turning point moments, associated with chat room participation, is viewed to

captures these men's experiences, motivations, and expectations for participating

development. Participation was important to self-labeling, for reducing their

presented and suggestions for future research are discussed.

List of Figures .......................................................................................................xii

Chapter 1 Introduction ........................................................................................... 1

Chapter 2 Review of the Literature ...................................................................... 18

Chapter 3 Methods ............................................................................................... 44

Chapter 4 Interpretation of Data........................................................................... 58

Chapter 5 Contextualization............................................................................... 123

Appendix A Paper Presented at The British Psychological Society Centenary

Appendix B Recruitment Flyer .......................................................................... 201

Appendix C Pictorial Representation of Typical Chat Room (Gay.com).......... 203

Appendix D Study Recruitment Website ........................................................... 205

Appendix E Informed Consent........................................................................... 209

Appendix F Socio-demographic Survey ............................................................ 212

Appendix G Interview Schedule ........................................................................ 221

Appendix H Tables with Socio-demographic Survey Findings......................... 223

Appendix I Sample of Level One Coding .......................................................... 227

Appendix J Gay Youth Online Resource List .................................................... 229

References ........................................................................................................... 237

Vita .................................................................................................................... 250

Table 2.1: Mean age of developmental milestones in other studies (Savin-

Williams, 1998) ................................................................................ 35

Table 3.1: Demographic characteristics of study participants........................... 51

Table 4.1: Age of experience of coming-out milestones, highlighting chat

room participation ............................................................................ 65

Table 4.2: Reverse chronological timeline of coming-out milestones,

highlighting chat room participation ................................................ 67

Figure 2.1: Model of lesbian-gay-bisexual development (D'Augelli, 1994,

cited in Rivers, 1997) ....................................................................... 38

and chat room participation.............................................................. 62

the first time and chat room participation ........................................ 63

Figure 4.3: Relationship between when participants self-disclosed and chat

room participation ............................................................................ 64

Figure 5.2: A process model of identity marginalization (McKenna & Bargh,

Figure 5.5: Implications of rejection sensitivity for adolescent romantic

relationships (Downey, Bonica, & Rincon, 1999, p. 150) ............. 158

A qualitative study design was used to explore the experiences of young

participation in chat rooms might facilitate the coming-out process. Equally

may arise from participation in such virtual environments.

Utilizing Denzin’s (1989) qualitative method of interpretive

allows the researcher to examine the “…relationship between personal troubles

gay people experience are conceptualized as those surrounding labeling oneself as

experience coming-out through participation in chat rooms.