Gurpreet Singh

Tara Roeder, Ph.D.

FYW 1000C

17 March 2022

People say that when you go look for other people's approval, you start loving yourself

and becoming more and more unreal to your own true nature. When I was around the age of 12, I

started to realize that my life was very different compared to other people if we had similar

parents in their style of scolding and comforting and whatnot. I had this inkling that my parents

didn't love me or I was second on their list of favorite children. I would notice that nay award I

may achieve held very little in their eye that it only lasted for a few minutes while if my brother

achieved something, it would rave about to all family members for a consistent while. I

remember distantly earning a few medals on my reading ability early on and how I was highly

advanced for my age and the reading level I could read at, and I remember my parents being so

proud for about a day until my brother came home with a student of the month award which

overshadowed mine in an instant. I never hear about my medal after that while my parents told

many people about my brother's award. It felt as if someone had ripped the work I didn= to read

such an advanced book and up my game was smacked out of my hands. I started to constantly

strive to produce results for them, try to either outshine my brother or get them to talk about me

more. The more I tried, the more I felt the pressure of the pedestal that towered over me. A

couple of years would go by where it would constantly be trying to get their attention but I

started to realize the pattern. If I received honors, it was to be expected, but my brother receiving

the same grades as him achieving gold in the Olympics. My life changed over 2019-2020 when I
would not go to class as they were asynchronous and helped my dad at work. I would go to my

dad’s work since I was 12, from time to time helping out where ever I could but due to

COVID-19 being more widespread, it was nice to have a backup just in case. It wasn't too hard

of work as I was the son of the manager but I still tried my best to not put myself on a pedestal

and try to be even with the other employees. I would try to get my brother to come to work to

help or just even learn a bit in case someone called out or got into a pickle over the weekends

and he was firm about not going and both my parents backed him on this. I didn’t understand

why they would let their son who has been working since the ripe age of 12, start learning how to

work while their youngest would sit at home, who was around the age of 16, just dally around. I

suddenly had the idea that maybe this was one thing my brother couldn’t outshine me in since he

wouldn’t even do it and much to my vigor in producing results at work, I may finally be able to

get that recognition I craved. But sadly that wasn’t the case and my brother was reiving praise for

getting 80s while I was pulling 90+s and working whenever need be. I suddenly started to have

doubts about my life and where I was going. I didn't know what I did to be overshadowed so

much or what it was in me that I deserved to be put last. I started to have thoughts. I questioned

so much and tried to understand what was going on, but nothing made me feel any more whole

than before. I had ideas, but my cousin and uncle saved me. My cousin never cared about me a

lot. He had a lot of responsibility thrown upon him very early on as he was the oldest out of my

immediate family. He gave me some advice, whether he realized it or not, and it went something

like, “Keep producing results but not for anyone else but yourself because in the end, it's only

you and you alone. Look beyond what you see and get the job done.” My uncle, my cousin's

father, was a very different person. He didn’t do much, he would check in with me, talk to me

about school whenever he could, wouldn’t voice his opinions if he left something was wrong but
let others argue it out until he felt it was right, and just hung out with his kids and me for the

most part at family gatherings. For some reason, he believed in me, he might have been the only

one but he believed in me. I never understood at first how someone could believe in someone

that didn't even have the will just to exist, but he did. Soon after, he passed away, and it didn't hit

me. I didn’t know what to say or do, I just knew he was gone. I don’t remember much after that;

for a while, it was just a bunch of emotions and clouded judgments and a lot of me and my

parents arguing. One day in my senior year of high school, I looked up at the ceiling of my room,

into the ever-growing darkness, the void of empty thoughts, and I just broke. I never cried as

hard as I did, nor as silently. I was alive. I was here. The man who believed in a kid who was

nothing but a backup plan in his parent's eyes but instead believed he could be something. He

believed in me. He was gone. He’s in an unreachable place. I never got to say goodbye nor that

he was a good uncle. He never got to say goodbye to any of us, especially his family. He wasn’t

coming back, but I was here. I m alive. I didn't need anyone’s recognition because I had it from

the one person who mattered, who was proud of my accomplishments or at least acknowledged

them. I wouldn't say I immediately changed and didn't look for anyone's recognition but slowly

started to care about everyone around me and what they thought and more about what I wanted

to do, what I wanted to be. The constant behavior of me needing to prove myself to my parents

was over, I didn’t need them to tell me I was worth it, because I know I am everything good.

This somehow helped my relationship with my parents to become better than the bitter and harsh

connection we once had to a tame mutual connection. Me caring less about what or how my

brother was doing and only comparing myself to myself was the best way to me rapidly improve

my happiness and efficiency, Nowadays I just focused on the result I wanted to produce for

myself and how I wanted myself to be shown rather than trying to appease people, Being true to
oneself is the best way to obtain true freedom of the heart and to let go of the chains that bind us

down. Be free and know that someone somewhere believes you can do it. Believe in yourself.