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Series 06 Episode 15
Series 06 Episode 15
Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are
great. I just started number six.
Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it
coming, either.
Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject.
It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.
Sheldon: Good.
Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you
switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your
morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re
controlling, you’re irritating.
Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I
have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t
talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the
university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon,
don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like
the American flag, cannot touch the ground.
Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want
to live here anymore.
Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.
Leonard: Yes.
Leonard: What?
Credits sequence.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle. So, is everyone from
Bernadette’s company going to Vegas?
Howard: No, just me, her and a couple of the big wigs. It’s part of a bonus she got.
Howard: Not exactly. They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication
that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie’s idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.
Raj: Sure.
Howard: My mom’s been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating
dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There’s nothing funny about
morbid obesity.
Howard: She’s huge. It was funny. Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could
check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she’s doing okay.
Raj: I don’t know, maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get
lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you
stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty
bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar
cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your
children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly
Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callender’s,
buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever
met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys
even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard: Well, I’ve had it. I am done. I can’t, I can’t live with him for one more
minute.
Penny: No, not at all. No, it’s, it’s great. It’s terrific. I, you know, I just can’t help feel
bad about Sheldon. I mean, how’s he going to get by without you? Ernie.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Um, well, um, all right. You, you know how in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood
Prince, Ron didn’t abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron’s sister?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert. My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can’t do it
knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his
stooge, his doormat.
Penny: No. No, no, I do. I do. It’s just, I mean, it’s a really big step.
Leonard: Is it? We’re together all the time. Financially, it makes great sense. Can you
think of one reason why we shouldn’t do this?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Yeah. Okay, all right, don’t freak out. You can make this work.
Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of
medicine.
Raj: No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I’m going to have to carry my stomach out
of here like I’m a fireman rescuing an infant.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, please. You’re a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.
Raj: Well, I, I really couldn’t. But, uh, I’ve had a lovely time eating your brisket and
hearing about the things you’ve had removed from your body over the years. Didn’t
know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls. Well, if you
have to go, how about I put a little doggie bag together for you?
Raj: That would be lovely. Thank you. (Sound of crying) Mrs. Wolowitz, uh, are you
okay?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t mind me. I just cry when I’m lonely and have nothing to
live for.
Raj: Sure.
Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.
Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I
bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that
will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go
whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog-boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and
comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further
questions asked.
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m
willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find
abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um…
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water
bed.
Sheldon: Um…
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good
buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.
Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize
that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.
Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot
chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom
policy.
Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come
back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.
Leonard: Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in
with him.
Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living
together. Isn’t that right?
Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our
relationship isn’t ready for.
Penny: Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it
just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine.
Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.
Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.
Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a
series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to
slam in your face.
Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?
Sheldon: Um…
Raj: Hello?
Raj: Yeah. Uh, after dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files, and then she opened
a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing I know, she was tucking me into your
bed.
Raj: Mm-hmm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid
out of the bed, like, three times.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh! You up? You ready for breakfast?
Howard: Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there.
Howard: If you don’t leave now, she’ll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest
of your life.
Howard: Trust me, you’re not Jewish. That’s how they get you.
Howard: Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his
and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive
pronoun on it.
Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.
Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.
Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.
Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble
in my shower.
Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.
Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?
Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.
Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.
Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the
high-pitched wails of despair.
Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.
Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you’d be doing us both a favour. (Phone)
Raj: I’m trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I
think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do?
Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one.
Howard: It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.
Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.
Amy: Yes.
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of
our relationship?
Amy: No.
Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice
mail message for both of us.
Amy: Beep.
Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I
have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your
ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth
look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one
good reason why I can’t live here.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again.
She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.
Amy: Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear
I can’t ’cause you don’t want to live with Leonard.
Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.
Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even
asking me if I was ready.
Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want
to live with her instead of blaming it on me?
Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.
Penny: Um…
Leonard: ‘Kay.
Leonard: No.