Can you identify the ledes in these three extracts?

Extract 1

Below are the first two paragraphs of an article that was posted on the website
of an asset management firm.

The intended reader is a client of the asset management firm. The purpose of
the piece is to reassure this reader that their investments are in the hands of a
smart and savvy fund manager.

Notwithstanding the challenges discussed in part one of this Letter, President

Trump, assisted by his “Regulatory Tsar”, Carl Icahn, has enormous scope to
further his focus on deregulation, not least through the use of executive orders.
On his first night in office he made a statement of intent on this with the
freezing of any pending regulations from the Obama administration.

Deregulation should be economy and market friendly and can be done by

reversing many of President Obama’s executive orders and by issuing a number
of his own. Such orders do not require congressional approval and could have
widespread effects.

Rewrite this opening to bring out the lede. See page 6 for my answer.

1 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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Extract 2

The following extract is from the introduction to a report produced by the Food
and Drink Federation (FDF). The FDF is a UK trade association for people
working in the food and drink manufacturing industry.

The intended reader is a member of the FDF.

During the early part of 2015 the Food Standards Agency (FSA) were advised by
the Food and Drink Federation (FDF) and the Seasoning and Spice Association
(SSA), in liaison with the British Retail Consortium (BRC), that there was concern
in Canada and the United States after certain batches of ground cumin and
paprika tested positive for undeclared peanut protein. This represented a
significant public health risk to people with nut allergies. The level of
contamination suggested that the products had most likely been adulterated
with cheaper materials for financial gain.

Both industry and the FSA launched sampling programmes in the UK and whilst
we identified low levels of peanut and almond consistent with adventitious
cross-contamination in some of the spice products tested, we did not find any
evidence of large scale adulteration.

Recognising the severity of the situation in North America, we decided to meet

with representatives from across the food industry at a specially organised
workshop. The purpose of this workshop was to determine if potential
weaknesses in supply chains associated with dried herbs and spices in the UK did
exist and to discuss what further measures might be needed to strengthen
consumer protection across this sector.

The workshop focussed on identifying steps within a variety of supply chains

where there might be opportunity for fraudulent practices involving adulteration
and substitution. Solutions for addressing these vulnerabilities were also
explored and ways of mitigating potential threats to product integrity were
identified.

A key recommendation arising from this workshop was that an expert Joint
Industry Working Group should be established to develop best practice guidance
for UK businesses, which would provide advice on how to identify vulnerabilities
in their supply chains and the types of preventative measures they could
consider.

I am pleased to say that as a result, representatives from the BRC, FDF and SSA
have developed the following guidance. The document is intended as a practical
and easy-to-read guide with the focus on protecting the integrity of food and
food supply chains in this sector.

2 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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No process can guarantee that food businesses are not the target of fraudulent
activity but the use of this document can make it less likely. Therefore, I
encourage small and large food businesses alike to study the contents of this
guidance as it could prevent future public health risks, give us the confidence
that the foods we eat are what they say they are as well as protecting the
reputation of this important and complex food sector.

Finally, I would like to thank all those involved in the production of this
document. This particular collaborative approach is a really good example of
incident prevention and engagement across industry, the Food Standards Agency
and Food Standards Scotland.

Rewrite this introduction to bring out the lede. See page 8 for my answer.

3 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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Extract 3

Here, Jill James has written a cover letter and CV for her dream job.

Before you read these pieces, write down what you consider to be the purpose
of a cover letter and CV.

15 April 2017

Dear Bob

I would like to be considered for the post of ‘Head of Client Relationships’, as

advertised in today’s Times. The advert stated that you are looking for a confident
professional who is capable of dealing with busy and demanding high-profile
executives.

As you will see from the attached CV, I have many years’ experience of client and
stakeholder management, making me highly suited to the role.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Jill James

------------------

Jill J. James
43 Cinnamon Drive, London W3; jjj@jill.j.james.com

Key Achievements

• Built comprehensive track record in marketing over the past 15 years

supported by formal qualifications
• Gained extensive career success and experience in London and New York
• Managed global marketing campaigns and negotiated with external suppliers
• Developed strong commercial awareness in the application of marketing
techniques
• Selected for prestigious postgraduate international internship

Career

Campaign Against Texting While Walking, London

August 2012 – April 2017, Head of Marketing and Fundraising

• Created professional, engaging, on brand communications that appealed to

the target audience and stood out in a competitive market place.

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• Used my relationship building attributes to bring in major donor funding. As
a result of my efforts, we were given our largest single donation of £15,000
from an individual.
• Produced a six monthly magazine/newsletter to engagge the target
audience so that they became more involved in fundraising and raising
awareness of the charity’s aims.
• Re-brand involving logo mark, typeface, colour palette, tone of voice, brand
positioning.

VS Bank, London
October 2008 - July 2012, Marketing Manager

• Effectively managed relationships with agencies, photographers,

copywriters, designers, charities, film production companies, event
management and event logistic suppliers.
• Advised internal clients on branding and marketing communications in order
to meet their specific needs.
• Managed and developed effective advertising campaigns for internal
partners.
• Managed the media buying and creative agency to create distinctive
campaigns across multiple media channels (print, digital, radio etc).
• Built strong relationships with internal partners, managing their
expectations and ensuring all the stakeholders’ needs were balanced and
effectively considered.
• Advised business areas on all aspects of marketing communications and
implemented projects across all media.
• Managed VS’s corporate design and visual identity across all mediums
including design set-up and application, brand values and photography.

Word Nerd Publishers, New York

September 2006 - September 2007, Intern

Selected against strong competition for a prestigious intern programme, becoming

one of Word Nerd’s youngest ever interns. Managed a portfolio of high profile
accounts, dealing directly with clients including Hillary Clinton.

Professional Training and Education

2004- 2007 University of Camford, Hons Degree in Marketing and Communication

Advanced IT skills, including MS Office. Courses in online media planning and

buying, writing for the web, creative writing and building an effective team.

Rewrite Jill’s cover letter to bring out the lede. See page 9 for my answer.

5 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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Answers
The lede of extract 1

Trump could be good for your investments.

Comment
There is so much wrong with the original, like:

• That word ‘notwithstanding’. It’s a good rule of thumb never to open an

article with ‘notwithstanding’. Actually, scrap that - it’s a good rule of
thumb never to use the word ‘notwithstanding’. Unless you’re a wannabe
lawyer trying to sound smarter than you are (you will fail).

• The first sentence raises so many questions in the reader’s mind. Questions
like:
• Why are you pointing me back to ‘part one of this Letter’ before I’ve
even started reading?
• Do I need to read part one first to understand part two?
• Actually, is this even part two or are there other parts?
• Where can I find part one anyway? I can’t see the link!
• And why are you calling this article on your website a ‘Letter’? Help –
I’m confused!

• At 36 words, that first sentence is also way too long and complex. And it
starts in completely the wrong place (the subsidiary information about the
challenges mentioned in part one). You will learn how to avoid this kind of
writing in the section of the course devoted to crafting better sentences.

• Dull abstractions add to the complexity of the language. Consider the

difference between ‘Trump has enormous scope to further his focus on
deregulation’ and – how I would say it - ‘Trump plans to slash regulation’.
Which sounds more dynamic? Again, you will learn how to avoid this type of
abstraction later in the course.

• With all that emphasis on the background information and political

processes (such as the reversing of executive orders), the writer completely
misses the point for the reader. And who is that reader? An investor
wondering what the Trump presidency means for their finances. Bang.
There’s your point. There’s your lede.

• Ideally, I’d have made my lede more confident than ‘Trump could be good
for your investments’. But I suspect ‘Trump will be great for your
investments’ would not get past the firm’s legal and compliance team. It
6 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie
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might suggest the firm was promising that the reader’s investments will
definitely rise, which they’re not really allowed to do.

Lesson
Don’t start with the context, lead with what matters to your reader. Ask yourself:
What’s keeping my reader up at night? What questions do they want answers to?
Build your story around that.

DISCLAIMER

This material is not an endorsement of Donald Trump. Nor does it constitute

financial advice.

7 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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The lede of extract 2

Fraudsters are selling contaminated food. In this guide, we show you how to spot
them.

Comment
Another piece that opens with a ridiculously long sentence. At 59 words, it’s going
to lose even the most dedicated reader before the sentence is out. And what are
those 59 words expended on? Reporting a series of conversations that the reader
wasn’t involved in. Conversations between four different organisations, each with
its own three-letter abbreviation. A long, winding sentence, and a direct road to
Snoresville!

But the main problem with this text is that it’s so wedded to chronology. The
whole ‘this happened, then that happened’ approach may seem logical. But it’s a
recipe for dull writing because it buries an important point in process and
procedure. And no one wants to read about a process or a procedure - except,
perhaps, in an instruction manual.

And the reason it’s so wedded to chronology? Because it’s an entirely writer-
centric piece that is more concerned with the process ‘we’ (the FDF) went through
to produce this report. As a result, the reason for reading is buried in a load of
procedural guff about the reason for writing. Arrgh!

Lessons
Focus on your reader’s needs, not your own need to convey how smart you are - or
how much work went into writing what you’ve written.

Avoid writing about processes, procedures or policies. They’re devoid of drama

and add little value to your reader.

8 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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The lede of extract 3

I’ve handled Hillary Clinton as a client – want to know what that was like?

Comment
Running to about a page, this CV isn’t too long at least. As with any business
document, readers tend to scan CVs – and you’ve got seconds to grab their
attention, so the more succinct the better.

However, it’s very unfocused. It doesn’t really respond to the specifics of the
advert and should have been much more tailored to the requirements of the role.

But above all, in her attempt to summarise every last bit of her experience, the
writer has forgotten the single purpose of a CV: to get the reader to call you in for
an interview.

And who wouldn’t want to meet someone who can claim to have worked with
someone as busy and important as Hillary Clinton? The fact that this experience is
directly relevant to the role is the icing on the cake.

Lessons
Remember, finding the lede is about identifying the point for your reader. So don’t
focus on what matters to you, the writer - like the minutiae of your professional
experience. Instead, focus on what’s going to make your reader sit up and take
action.

DISCLAIMER

This material is not an endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

9 Clare Lynch, Doris and Bertie

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