CONTENTS

1 introduction
2 what is wrong with me?
4 why, why, why?
5 the three keys
8 heads up
9 observing our thoughts
15 nervous system
17 anchors
18 unhelpful thoughts
19 emergency tips
20 negative thoughts
22 people-pleasing thoughts
23 wish list thoughts
25 to-do thoughts and time-related thoughts
26 competitive thoughts, comparison thoughts and
ego-based thoughts
28 lazy thoughts
29 the hardest part
30 what now?
33 behaviour
34 more antidotes for unhelpful thoughts
40 suffering
42 where did all this come from?
44 things to remember
46 what to expect in parts 2 and 3?
47 how has the three keys helped me?
48 acknowledgements
49 recommended reading
50 notes
INTRODUCTION
Are you currently working at your peak or optimal level?
Is anger, stress or perhaps anxiety holding you back? Do
you want to be free from these constraints? Do you
wish to win the Mum/Dad of the Year award? Or
improve your work–life balance? If any of these
questions resonate with you, read on. The Three Keys
program will be just what you need.

The aim of the Three Keys is to help you cope with living
in our modern world by giving you the skills and
knowledge to be able to release the grip that your brain
has on you in terms of uncontrollable anger and chronic
stress. The program can also be useful for providing
relief from anxiety. The Three Keys can be used as a
standalone program or in conjunction with other similar
programs, such as the Wim Hof Method and/or Dr.
Daniel J. Siegel’s Healthy Mind Platter.

It is extremely difficult to be angry or stressed when you

are in a completely relaxed state. The exercises and tips
in this book will help you achieve that relaxed state.
This will allow you to stay calm and relaxed in turbulent
times. If you burnout, the Three Keys will help you to
bounce back and destress quickly. The exercises have
worked for me, however; you may need to adjust them
slightly to suit.

I began writing this book in case one day I forget that

it’s OK to struggle; it’s normal to suffer. The most
important thing is what you do when you suffer—how
do you handle it? Or more importantly, how do you live
with it and still enjoy life? If you are not suffering at

1
some point in your life, you are either doing something
wrong or you are a robot. If you are suffering, how can
you make it a more enjoyable experience? Is it possible
to suffer less?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

There is nothing wrong with our brain from an
evolutionary viewpoint. Our brains are very interesting
as they can be used in many ways. We can observe the
world around us with no (or little) thinking, we can think
about something in different ways (analysing, judging,
problem solving etc.); we can think about the past and
make corrections for the future (which would have
been useful for our ancestors when hunting animals);
we can play out future scenarios in our mind; we can
observe our own brain while it is thinking, and on top of
all of this, we can use our brain to override our
response to fear. Incredible, right?

The problem with our brain is that it was not designed

to live in a civilised world. How is it that one can have so
many choices in terms of where to work, holiday
destinations, clothes to wear, things to buy and still feel
unhappy, stressed, or even depressed? How can some
people with all the money in the world, that live in
fancy houses, drive flash cars, and have every material
thing that one could ever dream of still be unhappy,
stressed, or depressed? How can this be, when there
are people in this world with nothing, no (or little)
material possessions, who are happier and living
virtually stress-free? What is the difference between
these people? The major difference is the way we live.

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We no longer live in our natural environment. We’re
not designed to be stuck in traffic on our drive to work,
or to spend eight hours or more each day at work, or to
live in cities with millions of other people. Our desire to
have more money to buy more unnecessary things in
this fast-paced consumer driven world is making us sick.
We then use social media to cover up the sickness: to
make it look as if we are doing well. We’re instead
designed to hunt and gather food and to live as part of a
small tribe out in a completely natural environment
(with no McDonalds, cars, roads, or video games).

Once upon a time, all humans lived in small tribes.

Some humans today still live the old hunter–gatherer
lifestyle and others live close to this lifestyle, like the
Hadza and San bushmen in Africa, and several tribes in
the Amazon, Arctic Circle and Southeast Asia. The last
uncontacted hunter–gatherers in Australia only walked
out of the desert in the mid-1980s. How crazy is that?
Unfortunately, our Western ways made them extremely
unhealthy like us, with high rates of diabetes, obesity,
and alcoholism.

You have two options if you wish to feel better and to

be free from extreme anger and chronic stress. Option 1
is to leave all your possessions behind and start living a
hunter–gatherer lifestyle as part of a tribe. People that
live in tribes are often the happiest and healthiest
people in the world. Option 2 is to continue reading and
begin to incorporate the components mentioned. Good
luck!

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WHY, WHY, WHY?
Anger and stress are indicators that something is not
quite right. They are merely signals that we often just
want to avoid and ignore. However, these signals are
necessary if we wish to survive. If we are stressed, we
may need to take a break and rest. If we are angry, we
may need support from others. We need to pay close
attention to these signals, otherwise they can have a
negative effect on our health.

Stress is caused when we face a threat, or when there is

great demand on us. While excessive stress can wear us
down and result in burn-out, small amounts of stress
can help us to perform at optimal level and give us that
push that we sometimes need. Similarly, anger can also
come about when we are faced with a threat and our
fight-flight-freeze response (sympathetic nervous
system or SNS) is activated. It helps us in survival
situations to push on and to stay alive or to scare off an
attacker. We can easily become frustrated or irritated if
our level of tolerance is low, which can then lead to
excessive anger that can last an entire day or two. Our
thoughts can trigger the fight-flight-freeze response.
Therefore, we need to constantly pay attention to our
thoughts. Our brain cannot tell the difference between
an anxiety- or stress-provoking thought and actually
being attacked by a lion or tiger! It sees each as a threat
and prepares the body for the worst-case scenario to
ensure you stay alive.

In my own life, I’ve experienced many symptoms of

excessive anger and chronic stress. From fatigue to

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somatic sensations, such as being unable to breathe
properly and increased heart rate, (which sometimes
led to panic attacks), or frustration and avoidance of
social outings, to inescapable stress which led to manic
behaviour and eventually work-related burnout.

Often the anger and stress resulted in a horrible, all-

over, paralysing feeling, mostly in my head, chest, and
stomach, that resembled flu-like symptoms. It felt like I
couldn’t do anything. Like one more job or task would
make my head explode. Work took longer to complete
which made me even more frustrated. Additionally, I’m
also prone to mouth ulcers which are believed to be
caused by stress, and I tend to grind my teeth while
sleeping. Chronic stress is also responsible for this.

Most of the time I experience what’s called

subconscious stress. I don’t feel any stress-related
symptoms unless I take the time to scan over my main
body areas that engage when the fight-flight-freeze
response kicks in. I mainly feel this in my feet and legs
as they prepare to get me to run away from danger. My
breathing almost comes to a complete stand still. I also
experience tension around my face, especially around
my eyes, due to overuse of my foveal vision (aka near
point visual stress): another symptom of stress that also
causes tension in the jaw, chest, and shoulders.

THE THREE KEYS

The Three Keys consist of the following components:

Observation (observing your thoughts);

Relaxation (breathing and stretching exercises); and

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Reenergise (getting out into nature, exercise, eating a
healthy diet, getting adequate sleep, and socialisation).

The Three Keys are based on the following ideas: if you

can control your mind when faced with a stressful or
anger-provoking situation by analysing your thoughts,
and take effective action to eliminate or decrease the
level of stress and anger you have, the better you will
feel.

You will remain calm, focused and in control. In other

words, if you pay attention to your thoughts, you can
learn to act before they alter the way you feel.

It is almost impossible to be stressed or angry if you are

completely relaxed, and you are going to feel even
better if you are energised to the max. The Three Keys
are not listed in this book in order of importance. What
you must remember is—if you value good health—that
you integrate all three components into your daily
routine.

Please keep in mind the exercises in this book are not

one-off exercises. These exercises will make you feel
better if done properly and consistently. You will have
more energy and a clearer mind. Unfortunately, there is
something that stands in the way. You must make a
choice.

Do you decide that it’s easier and more fun to go to the

pub, or sit on the couch at home watching TV instead?
Do you decide to make a half-assed attempt to start the
exercises—but then decide it’s easier and more fun to

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go to the pub or sit on the couch? How has the
pub/couch been working for you lately?

Consider the following: effort = reward. How good you

want to feel is completely up to you and depends on
the effort you put in. In other words, what you put in is
what you get out of it.

 To feel 100% better = full application of the Three

Keys combined with a tropical island/country
lifestyle. Minimum work hours possible, plenty of
leisure time, and plenty of uplifting friends and
family members to socialise with.
 To feel 95% better = full application of the Three
Keys even though you are still living in the city doing
the same/similar job. Regardless, you are content
with your standard of living. You have developed
high resilience and manage stress and anger
effectively as it arises.
 To feel 50% better = irregular application of the
Three Keys but able to prevent/manage stress-
related burnout to some degree.
 To feel 10% better = once in a blue moon
application of the Three Keys. 10% application of
the Three Keys = 10% difference. You most likely
won’t notice a great deal of change/difference.
Remember the following quote from Mark Manson,
whom you may know as the bestselling author of The
Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, 'it’s OK for life to be
boring and not noteworthy.' You don’t need to fill in the
day by constantly doing things or ticking off bucket list
items. Look for unimportant activities that you can cut

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out of your daily routine to make your life easier. Use
this extra time to work on yourself. Embrace the boring
and tedious. Jump in and get it done; rip off the band
aid. The hardest part is starting. Once you’ve started,
it’s easy.

The exercises may frustrate you because they take away

time. Just know that they are helping you to feel better
in the long run. As boring as it seems, I guarantee if
done properly and consistently over time (preferably
everyday), you WILL feel better.

You will be more productive. You will be in control of

your stress or anxiety levels. You can claim back your
life and you can start enjoying it again, or for once. But
remember, you need to make a choice. Over time you
will feel more content while completing the exercises.
In fact, you will feel more content in general. To notice
the benefits, it is recommended that you include these
exercises as part of your daily routine. The best way to
achieve this is to start by adding one new healthy habit
at a time or make one small change at a time.

Only those with a strong mind will be able to persevere

with this program. Therefore, it is imperative that we
begin by looking at our thoughts and training our minds
to be tougher and more resilient to any hardship or
challenges we may face in our day-to-day life. If you
think you have what it takes, let’s get started.

HEADS UP
This book mostly focuses on the ‘how’ and the ‘why’.
How can I live a more normal life? Is this even possible?

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How can I fit this into my busy schedule/life/typical
day? Why is this information/exercise important? Why
should I give a flying fuck? You most likely selected this
book to find out how to relieve the symptoms of anger
and stress, to be able to live a better life. So that is
mostly what I will share with you. However,
understanding anger and stress as well as anxiety and
depression is extremely important and definitely worth
learning more about. A quick internet search for ‘what
causes people to get angry?’ Or ‘what causes stress?’
should do the trick. This book contains evidence-based
research to answer the ‘why’ questions. Meaning that
experts in their field have conducted research, studies,
and/or experiments to show you the benefits of the
exercises or strategies used in this book. I haven’t
plucked information out of thin air or developed
exercises and strategies because they seem like a good
idea.

OBSERVING OUR THOUGHTS

'Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within
yourself in your way of thinking.'

— Marcus Aurelius (Roman Emperor, 161 to 180 AD)

Before we begin, there is something you should know

about your brain, and in particular what some experts
call your egoic mind or ego-driven mind. Your egoic
mind is the voice in your head that controls you. It loves
to feel superior to others, win all the time, and be right
all the time. It’s a sensitive creature that is difficult to
control. It will hate many of the exercises in this book

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and will try desperately to force you to stop them. It will
say things like 'this is too hard', 'I don’t have time', 'I’m
bored', 'I hate this', 'this is taking too long' etc. It wants
to maintain its control over you. By doing the exercises,
and forcing yourself to do them initially, by not listening
to the voice of the egoic mind, it loses its power. Every
time your egoic mind speaks, you can choose to listen
and continue to live the way you have lived your life
until now (angry and stressed) or you can choose to
ignore it.

Your egoic mind is also your identity: how you perceive

yourself (the image you have of yourself), and how you
think others perceive you. You might tell yourself that
you are stupid, slow, boring, tough, strong, good
looking, a real manly man, a terrible mother, funny,
smart, a perfectionist, bad at making friends, a good
person etc. This is not really you. It’s just what your
egoic mind tells you that you are. At the end of the day,
you are simply a human being made up of blood and
bones like every other human that has walked the
earth.

If you live in a Western society, it’s not a matter of if

you will get a mental illness, but when for most of us.
This is true for possibly around 66–80% of the Western
population. A small percentage of people in Western
societies either maintain good mental habits
throughout their life and/or never endure difficult
circumstances. You would never consider reading a
book like this if you were one of those people.

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New research surrounding a variation of the fatty acid
amide hydrolase (FAAH) gene—which contributes to
people experiencing low levels of pain, fear, and anxiety
—claims that around 20–33% of the population have it.
The gene causes an increase in anandamide, a
neurotransmitter that is believed to have a calming
effect. This genetic disposition would be a useful
adaptation in a tribe. 66–80% of the tribe would always
be on high alert and ready to signal to the 20–33% that
experience low levels of fear, anxiety, and pain. These
members of the tribe would most likely fight and
protect rather than hide and freeze or run away.

For some people, mental health issues develop in their

teenage years (or sometimes earlier), some in their 20s;
and some in their 50s. I’ve even heard of people having
good mental health all the way up until their 80s before
developing mental health issues (due to not being in
control e.g., unable to walk). These days it’s more and
more common for children to be diagnosed with anxiety
or depression. This is a serious problem.

Overthinking, unproductive, and unhelpful (or negative)

thought patterns are some of the main causes of anger
and stress which can then lead to a range of health
problems. In my experience, this led to stress-related
burnout. These thought patterns are often a product of
our life experiences, especially our childhood
experiences and how we are influenced by those
around us.

While there are many factors that cause stress such as

financial problems, family/relationship problems, or

11
work problems, the thoughts that arise in difficult
circumstances can make the situation seem far worse
and impossible to solve. It may feel like there is no hope
of returning to normal when we are in the thick of it.

There are many ways we can use our mind as previously

mentioned. We can use it to problem solve, to imagine
or fantasise, or we can indulge in unhelpful or
unproductive thinking habits. Our brain often switches
between these different types of thinking. Have you
ever wondered who is in control when you are problem
solving, imagining or if you are criticising or judging
someone for instance? Is it ‘you’ or is it your egoic
mind? Somewhere along the road we’ve picked up
these unhelpful and unproductive thinking patterns. We
need to throw some of them out to lighten the load if
we want a smoother, faster drive. Thinking all the time
without any control is like having several apps running
at the same time on a very old computer. It just slows
you down.

How much time do you spend thinking? I would say I

used to spend roughly 90% of my waking hours
thinking, if I was to have a guess. On weekends maybe
between 60 and 80% depending on how much TV I
watch. Our unhelpful thoughts are often vocalised when
we speak. If we grow up hearing people say things like
‘what if’ or ‘I can’t…’or other complaints from our
parents or other adults, it’s highly likely that we will
begin to use the same language. We know from a young
age that our thinking isn’t perfect. Young children will
hide something and expect you to know where they’ve
hidden it simply because they know where they put it.

12
This is a messed-up way of thinking but possibly a clue
as to how early we develop unhelpful and unproductive
ways of thinking.

When you engage in something that requires complete

focus and concentration, such as when playing sport,
playing a board game or card game, or listening to
someone talk whose stories you enjoy, it is difficult to
think at the same time. We often feel good during and
after such occasions. We can return to feeling good
again at any time if we have something to focus or
concentrate on during times of distress.

If you could perfect the art of being bored: only thinking

when necessary or limiting your thoughts, and focusing
on your breathing all day, you would be much more
content and healthier. According to research, you would
possibly live longer due to lower cortisol levels. This
may not seem as exciting as ticking off bucket list items,
like travelling around the world. But consider why you
want to do such things. Don’t travel the world just to
tick off a bucket list item! Travel the world with people
you enjoy surrounding yourself with (hopefully family)
for the experience and to make lasting memories
together (good or bad).

While limiting your thoughts may seem an impossible

task—with training—it can be achieved. As soon as you
start thinking about your deepest desires (places to see,
prettier men/women, more money), or comparing
yourself to others, things start to get ugly. Often, I will
start off thinking a nice thought, or at least a neutral
thought, that doesn’t evoke any feelings or emotions.

13
Suddenly and without the 'noticing' part of my brain
realising, my 'thinking' brain has me in its grip. The
pleasant thought changes into a not-so-pleasant
thought and suddenly my breathing slows down so
much that it barely seems like I am breathing.

My body feels tense, and I am overcome with an uneasy

feeling. A feeling of discomfort. A minute ago (or maybe
five minutes ago) I was fine. Now I am anxious and/or
stressed. How did it get to this? Why is my brain doing
this to me? The more you practice noticing your
thoughts, the less this occurs. The relaxation strategies
provided in this book will get you back into a neutral
gear. Then you can decide to take control of the
steering wheel.

It seems that society’s current mental health crisis is an

age-old problem, which appears to have originated
around the dawn of civilisation. People have been
devising ways to make them feel better since at least
2,500 years ago. In Europe, these people were known as
Stoic philosophers. Across Asia, the works of Eastern
philosophers, Lao-tzu and Siddhartha Gautama, were
widely taught and are still taught to this day. I’m not
teaching you anything new, just information that has
been forgotten over time.

Our brain always wants to be busy either by instinct

(devising ways to hunt) or temptation (to-do lists,
desires). They want to continually scan the environment
for danger. It hates nothing more than to be stagnant.
However, there are people in this world that can
quieten their mind by controlling these natural instincts

14
and temptations. They can sit without a thought in their
mind and will not even flinch at the sound of a bomb
explosion. Imagine having this level of brain control!

What happens if we allow our minds to get the better of

us? What happens if we are angry or stressed all the
time? Research shows that feelings of rage, hatred,
frustration, and anger can lead to poor circulation, heart
disease, high blood pressure and stroke. Several
minutes of anger and frustration can impair your
immune system for hours after. Constant stress can
affect our digestive system (diarrhoea, constipation,
reflux), our breathing shallows which can cause neck
and shoulder pain, and it can also lead to obesity and
associated illnesses (due to overeating and a rise in
glucocorticoid levels). Excessive stress can also weaken
the immune system and can lead to conditions such as
Bell’s Palsy, and increases the risk of heart disease, high
blood pressure, and stroke.

The benefits of monitoring your thoughts and changing

bad thought habits are absolutely enormous, according
to research by Harvard Medical School. It can improve
your heart health by raising your heart rate variability
and lowering your blood pressure. This reduces the risk
of heart attack and stroke.

When we engage with our unhelpful thoughts, it’s easy

for us to become angry or stressed due to this pattern
causing us to feel tired from overthinking, instead of
giving our brain a chance to rest. When our brains are
tired from stress and overthinking, we have a lower
level of tolerance towards additional stress or to stimuli

15
that causes frustration, irritation and/or annoyance.
This can lead to extreme levels of anger and rage. Our
tolerance levels can also diminish due to ongoing pain
or lack of sleep.

NERVOUS SYSTEM
Nervous System in Healthy State

The diagram above illustrates a healthy nervous system.

This is how the nervous system of people with the FAAH
gene variant and hunter–gatherers (or pre-civilised
man) would look. When they are faced with danger or a
stressful situation, the fight-flight response kicks in as a
form of protection. The hormones epinephrine and
norepinephrine are released which gets the heart
pumping faster. This gives you the strength to fight, or
the speed to run away. Once you are safe, the rest-
digest system kicks in to quieten the fight-flight
response allowing you to recover. This is partly due to
the exercise from fighting or running away and the
breathing required. The rest-digest response releases
acetylcholine which slows your heart rate, making you
feel relaxed or content again.

Keep in mind your thoughts can trigger the fight-flight

response. If you pay attention to your thoughts, and

16
change your thinking habits, you can maintain a healthy
nervous system.

Nervous System in Poor State

This illustration above shows an unhealthy nervous

system. When faced with danger or a stressful situation,
the fight-flight response activates, but due to a constant
barrage of unhelpful thoughts and bad habits, the
nervous system remains in this state. This is when our
health is at risk. As mentioned earlier, this will cause
you stress, anxiety, poor circulation, heart disease, high
blood pressure and stroke. Living in this fast-paced
world where we continually think about job security or
other work-related issues, money issues, or family
matters constantly keeps us in fight-flight mode.

ANCHORS
So—how do we control the thoughts in our head to
allow our brains to rest and recover? The techniques
and exercises explained in Parts 2 and 3 of this book use
anchors, much like the one found on a boat. When you
focus on the discomfort in the stretching exercises, or
your breath in the breathing exercises, you are keeping
your mind (the boat) from drifting off. Beware that the
aim is not to stop or avoid thoughts. The aim is to
accept and acknowledge them and then refocus on

17
whatever anchor you choose to use. This allows you to
relax deeper and to give your poor old brain a well-
deserved break.

The anchor can be thought of as a distraction to help

rewire our brain and change our thinking habits. By
doing this repetitively and over time, you will gain the
power to control your nervous system. When your fight-
flight response is engaged due to unhelpful or
unproductive thoughts—upon noticing—you will be
able to quieten your mind and engage the rest-digest
response. The tricky part is often noticing, when you are
fused with unhelpful thoughts, and then defusing from
them.

To give you an example of how you can control your

thoughts, life coach, and motivational speaker Tony
Robbins jumps into an ice bath every day. As soon as his
mind tries to control him by telling him not to jump in
because the water is too cold and it’s too dangerous, he
just jumps. He doesn’t give his brain time to make up
excuses and talk him out of it. You don’t always have to
go to this extreme when it comes to brain control.
Focusing on an anchor can work just as well.

UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS
You can test if noticing your thoughts helps to keep you
from feeling intense feelings like stress quite easily.
Then you will know if this will work for you. In the past I
have been able to stay angry at someone for nearly two
days—possibly a world record. After practicing the
strategies and exercises laid out in this book for quite
some time, I have not been able to hold on to anger for

18
this long. The longest since has maybe been an hour, at
a guess. Think of a time where you were angry at
someone for a long time, perhaps a whole day or
longer. Think about how it felt. In my own experience, I
have this all-over horrible feeling. I feel irritated. My
thoughts ruminate around in my head, making me feel
worse.

Now, think of a time when you were curious about

something, or you were looking at something in awe (or
try it now). Maybe you were looking at a naked woman
or man for the first time. Perhaps it was something in
the natural world like a volcano or the texture and
colours of a rock you’ve never seen before. Think about
how you felt during this time of curiosity and wonder. In
my experience, I go into a neutral state where at times
there are no thoughts in my head, I don’t feel any
intense feeling in my stomach. I don’t necessarily feel
anything; I’m completely in the moment. This is what
we need to aim for: a neutral state where we feel
content.

There are many different types of unhelpful thoughts. It

is useful to understand the different types so that you
can observe your mind and notice how often such
thoughts arise and how they make you feel. The list
below is not a comprehensive list of unhelpful thoughts,
but rather the ones I consider to be the most common
and most destructive in terms of our health. You may
connect with some but not with others. If you’re
reading this book, I can guarantee that you will connect
with at least one.

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When reading the following, you may experience
uneasy feelings. Below are some emergency tips if you
bring up any thoughts that cause you distress or makes
you feel horrible or sick in the stomach. All the tips
below work by activating your parasympathetic nervous
system (a.k.a the rest-and-digest system) which act as
the brakes, slowing down the effect of the sympathetic
nervous system (a.k.a the fight-flight-freeze response)
and returning your nervous system back to its
normal/usual state.

EMERGENCY TIPS
 Physiological sigh—see Dr Andrew Huberman video
on YouTube for a demonstration.
 Deep, slow breathing (more in Part 2). Full breath in
and release the air slowly through pursed lips.
Repeat as many times as needed.
 Controlled eye movement (more in Part 2). Look at
an object near you until your eyes adjust on that
object. Repeat for four other different objects
around you in your near and far vision, left and
right.
 Chew gum.
 Splash face with ice cold water and/or hold breath
under water for around 5-10 seconds at a time.
 Distraction: try immersing yourself in an experience
for at least two minutes (for example: listen to
music, sing, or hum a tune e.g., AC/DC's 'You Shook
Me All Night Long', or short burst exercise such as
push-ups, pull-ups or a short sprint run).

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS (JUDGEPROSY: Pronounced juh-

jep-ruh-see)

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Like leprosy, it consumes you. This includes negative
criticisms and judgements of yourself and other people,
or experiences. Hatred of others also belongs to this
category.

Examples:

 He’s a dickhead, or she’s such a bitch.

 I hate that idiot/bitch
 I wish he/she would just die.
 I’m so stupid.
 I am not good at....
 That was the worst holiday ever.
 The food there was terrible.

Consider the following thought from philosopher, writer

and speaker, Alan Watts: 'Things are as they are.
Looking out into the universe at night, we make no
comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor
between well and badly arranged constellations.'

Hatred is like poison. It is very much a disease of the

mind. The main person who suffers when you are angry,
you hate someone or are envious of someone is you. So,
if you can’t hate everyone all at once, don’t waste your
time hating one person or one group of people. It
affects your health and wellbeing more than the target
of the hatred. Consider this quote from the Eastern
philosopher Siddhartha Gautama: 'Holding on to anger
is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it
at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.'

Hunter–gatherers like the Hadza rarely show hatred or

anger, nor do they judge. Instead, they use humour to

21
pull people into line. In some hunter–gatherer societies,
when someone gains a greater share of the kill, this
person can become hated by the group and can face
elimination from the tribe. This could result in the death
of that person who now lacks the safety of their group.
In today’s world of different social classes, where the
distribution of wealth is clearly unequal and seemingly
unfair for many, it’s no wonder why there is so much
hate in the world.

Some people think that their lack of money growing up

or abuse they faced as a child, or where they live means
they cannot achieve anything or do better in life—or be
any other way than negative towards life. Consider this
quote from bestselling author Wayne Dyer:
'circumstances don’t determine your state of mind, that
power rests with you.' Only you can control your
thoughts and how you feel.

If you are feeling angry or frustrated, only you can

change this. Importantly, everyone is the way they are
due to living in the civilised world. It is pointless hating
someone as they are the way they are because of this. It
is the same as getting angry at a monkey for trashing its
zoo enclosure. You would simply be angry at the
monkey for not living in its natural environment and
therefore acting out accordingly. To hate civilisation is
just as pointless because you can’t do anything about it.
It’s out of your control—so just grin and bear it.

PEOPLE-PLEASING THOUGHTS (PPLPLEEZR-4L)

Whether it’s pleasing a group of men or women, the
woman or man of your dreams, your mates, girlfriends,

22
boyfriends or your boss, these thoughts are
unnecessary and don’t allow your brain the need to
rest. Seeking approval from others is another people-
pleasing way of thinking.
Examples:

 I hope I haven’t upset them.

 I wonder if they like me still.
 I wonder if they’re impressed with me.
 What if I embarrass myself?
 What if I don’t meet expectations?

Imagine you are part of a hunter–gatherer tribe. You

would risk being kicked out and left to fend for yourself
if you were to upset the tribe. This could be the end of
you. You would struggle to find enough food, you would
have to fend off dangerous animals on your own, and
you would have no one to procreate with. Therefore, it
would be wise to be kind to others and control your
temper.

These days there is no need to hang around people who

you feel you need to please. There are plenty of other
good people around to be mates/friends with. Stop
worrying about what others think of you. Flip the
thought around. Do you think about others in the same
way that you think others think about you? Here’s what
I mean: If you think the person driving their car behind
you might be upset with you for driving slowly or
blocking their way, would you get upset with someone
else for doing the same thing (if someone else was
driving slowly and blocking you)?

WISH LIST THOUGHTS (BUCKETLISTIPHILIS)

23
Similar to syphilis, wish list thoughts are like a rash that
won’t go away. Once you’ve completed one goal/desire,
you move on to the next. Each time hoping the next will
make you happier or less stressed or more relaxed. As
mentioned earlier, having desires like wanting to go
skiing in the French alps or surfing in Hawaii, are only
good if you are doing it for the experience, not to tick it
off a list or because the next-door neighbour did it in a
‘keeping up with the Joneses’ way. Life is not a
competition to see who can do the most fun things or
get the most done. You can’t brag about the amazing
things you’ve done once you’ve finished living. Even if
you could, who would want to listen? Keeping ourselves
busy with desires that seem important to us at the time
just makes us more miserable. We’d be more content if
we spent most of the day working on ourselves by
observing our thoughts and focusing on our breathing.

This may not seem like your idea of fun now, but if you
can control your thoughts in the toughest of times,
including when doing nothing at all, you will be better
off. Former US Navy SEAL and ultramarathon
competitor David ‘Superman’ Goggins says to 'get
comfortable being uncomfortable.' So, if you want to be
in control of your mind, you need to learn to be
comfortable in any difficult situation: whether it’s
extreme boredom, pushing your body to the max to get
in that exercise that your body and mind needs, or
forcing yourself to get out into nature amongst the
prickly bushes and wild animals. Johann Hari, the author
of the well-researched book, Lost Connections, sums up
wish list thoughts nicely: 'the more you think life is

24
about having stuff and superiority and showing it off,
the more unhappy, and the more depressed and
anxious, you will be'.

Desires could also come in the form of money (I need

more money), goods (I need this. I can’t live without
that), career choices (I want to be a movie star) and
sexual partners (this is The One). Desire is a form of
suffering. Eliminate desires and you will eliminate
suffering. However, many of us spend our lives finding
ways to cure our suffering such as taking drugs or
drinking alcohol. Keep in mind that any unhelpful
thought equates to suffering, and that you are the only
one who can control that. It’s your choice: engage in
unhelpful thinking, or do not. A great man by the name
of Siddhartha Gautama once said, 'If you suffer, you
suffer because you desire, and your desires are either
unattainable or always disappointed. So cut out desire.'
Remember the following: all you need, you already
have.

TO-DO THOUGHTS AND TIME-RELATED THOUGHTS

(CANTSITSTILLARRHOEA)
Similar to wish list thoughts and much like diarrhoea,
to-do thoughts seem to go on and on, forever and a
day. These thoughts can annoyingly appear when you
are stressed and tired and should really be resting.
Time-related thoughts are much the same and often go
hand in hand with to-do thoughts.
Examples:

 I should be…

25
  I need to…
 I oughta be...
 How much longer is left?
 I need to get there by…
 I’m running late!
 I have to get this done by…

This type of thinking may include procrastination. Some

people tend to keep themselves busy all the time with
things to do, which can be a form of procrastination.
Perhaps to make themselves feel better if they have
achieved something in their day. Maybe it’s to help
quieten the brain—a distraction. Which isn’t necessarily
a bad thing…or is it? It wouldn’t be a bad thing if you
are intentionally doing something to distract the brain
from thinking. However, if you are constantly doing
things to quieten the mind it’s likely because you have
no control over your mind. When to-do thoughts begin
to ruminate in your head like a bull or cow chewing its
cud, you have a problem. Especially when they won’t go
away until the work is done. But by that stage you are
well and truly exhausted both physically and mentally,
adding to your stress and dwindling tolerance levels.

On the other hand, some individuals have an incredible

ability to enjoy themselves while leaving everything to
the last minute, do the bare minimum work required,
and live happily ever after!

Time is nothing more than a man-made construct. No

other living creature on earth is bounded by the
shackles of time as much as we humans. Mark Manson
writes, 'it takes skill and practice to be comfortable

26
starting a project, slowly working on it every month or
so and finishing it in years rather than days. What’s the
rush?' Sometimes it’s worth thinking: 'would this matter
if I died tomorrow?'

Furthermore, don’t project your mind too far ahead into

the future. All this will do is make you start dreading
what’s coming, causing you stress. Keep your thoughts
in the 'now'. Take each day as it comes, one second or
one minute at a time. One day at a time at a maximum.
Don’t worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow.
The same can be said about past thoughts: don’t worry
about what has been done, move on instead. If you are
thinking 'I should have done this or that', it’s too late.
Finish the sentence with 'ah well…fuck it…it can wait'.

COMPETITIVE THOUGHTS, COMPARISON THOUGHTS

AND EGO-BASED THOUGHTS (COMPARITITIS)
From a young age we learn to compete. Naturally,
animals need to compete for food or for dominance.
Due to this competition, we sometimes compare
ourselves to others who to us seem far superior or
better off. Our ego can be thought of as the voice in our
head that tells us what and who we are. For instance,
'I’m smart,' 'I’m a good person,' 'I’m a tough macho man
like Bruce Willis'.
Other examples:

 He’s/she’s way better than me.

 How did that ugly bloke get a woman like that?
Or, how did that bitch pull a bloke like that?
 I can easily beat him/her.
 Why does he/she deserve a promotion?

27
  My boat's way bigger than his!
 My dress is way more glamorous than hers!

Trying to be this or that, holding up a certain persona

(tough, strong, manly, superior), thinking of what you
can do to be better than others, or concern about how
others perceive us, are simply unhelpful/unproductive
thoughts that do nothing but consume your energy.
Never think you are better than others (entitled
thinking). You are no better than the ugliest person
you’ve ever met or the most disabled person. Don’t
compete against others. Who cares if other people are
better, smarter, stronger? Be yourself, be kind to
yourself, and only concern yourself with your own
interests and as a result, you will be taking care of your
brain instead of wearing it out.

The egoic mind hates people calling us out on our

weaknesses, being criticised, judged, or being belittled,
especially when we fully believe our ego is the greatest
or that we are always right—so be very aware of it.
Notice when it does this. Pay careful attention all the
time.

In times of crisis, will you be cool, calm and collected or

will you be the one buying large quantities of toilet
paper in preference to food? Who is in control in this
situation? You? Who has the potential to think
rationally? Or your egoic mind—who often acts like a
crazy survival fight or flight mode lunatic?

LAZY THOUGHTS (2-HrD-BaS-KeT)

This is one of the main reasons why most people can’t
stick to a diet or exercise regime. Like SARS-CoV-2, this

28
type of thinking is considered to be a pandemic. While
it’s easy to spot when listening to people talk about
their diet and exercise history, it’s extremely difficult to
cure if the affected has no control over their thoughts.
Examples:

 I’m too tired…

 It’s too hard…
 I don’t have time…
 I just can’t do it.
 It’s difficult to fit in with work…
 It’s impossible when you have kids.
 I can’t be assed/fucked.
 I’ll do it tomorrow.

When you start to notice how often these thoughts

come up, especially when starting a diet or exercise
regime, you can then say, 'Hang on, this is just a lazy
thought.' As soon as you realise this is the problem, you
can focus on these thoughts as they arise during
exercise or when you open the pantry or fridge door (or
perhaps when you go shopping). You can accept them
as just thoughts and continue to push through. You can
set yourself small challenges each day and know you
will achieve them, because these lazy thoughts will not
get in your way and cause you long-term pain.

If you ever catch yourself thinking 'I can’t do this' or 'I

can’t fit this in' etc, know that it’s just another unhelpful
thought that your thinking brain will conjure up to put
you off doing something. To give you a reason to say
'No!' Don’t believe the voice in your head. You can do
it!

29
THE HARDEST PART
How can you discover that your thoughts are
dominating your life if you don’t know they are? You
don’t know what you don’t know! If you are unaware
that you have no control over your thoughts, you
probably have no idea that this is the cause of a lot of
your problems. To get control of your thoughts, you
must first discover that your thoughts are controlling
you.

Once upon a time I never realised I had made up lots of

stories about how things are: what people think of me,
judgements I have of other people, beliefs about
myself, what I think I should do in life based on my
beliefs, and what the perfect life should look like. I
didn’t even know there was such a thing as unhelpful
thoughts.

I was fortunate enough to have someone point out to

me how everyone is the same: we all have similar
beliefs about others, ourselves, what we think people
think of us, what the perfect life looks like and what we
think we need to do in life. How would you ever know
how much your thoughts control you if this never gets
pointed out to you? Most people go their whole lives
without realising how much their thoughts dominate
their lives. Most people also believe that their thoughts
are the one and only truth and that their memories are
100% accurate. When you are freed from this, when
you have majority control of your thoughts (as 100%
control is probably impossible), your view of the world
changes completely and you see and discover things
you would never have seen or discovered before.

30
It’s like you’ve gained an extra sense (a sixth sense). It
doesn’t make you perfect, but it makes you a better
person. You’re able to listen better in conversations,
you’ll be better company to be around, you’ll be calmer,
and you will see the world differently. Like looking at
the world with a new pair of eyes. The exercises in this
book will help you to challenge your thoughts and to
attain this ‘sixth sense’. You will have better control
over your thoughts.

WHAT NOW?
The list above is not an extensive list. A quick internet
search for ‘unhelpful thinking styles’ or ‘cognitive
distortions’ will help you discover other unhelpful
thought patterns. Now that you are aware of which
unhelpful thoughts to look out for and how they
contribute to poor mental health—making you feel
more stressed, anxious, depressed, and even plain
angry, we need to look at what we can do when they
arise. The best approach is to focus on them one by
one. One at a time as they arise. After reading through
the previous section of this book, find which ones stood
out the most to you. Pick one of them to start with.
Notice every time that thought comes up. Eventually,
after continued practice, you will be able to notice that
a thought has made you feel a certain way, label the
thoughts as they come (e.g., comparison thoughts),
determine why that thought has occurred and
acknowledge that it’s not healthy. Then you will be able
to move on without it bothering you.

It may take a long time to notice how this practice has

changed your life and to realise how much more control

31
you have over your mind. Remember this is not a one-
off exercise or ‘magic fix’. It requires constant practice.
If you are too weak or soft, and if your mind still has a
dominant grip on you, this is a problem that will need
fixing first.

Before moving on, let’s begin by looking at something

experts call cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance
is when your beliefs and values differ from your actions.
For example, you may value having good health but if
you don’t exercise, you are going to feel awful.

Now that I’ve shown you the thoughts to keep a close

eye on, what are you going to do about it? If you value
good mental and physical health (because don’t forget
that our mental health can impact on our physical
health), and you don’t take the next step, you will not
change. You will continue to be the angry, stressed-out
person that you always have been. The one that’s
controlled by your unhelpful, egoic thoughts.

Unhelpful thoughts can be minimised in many different

ways. Briefly analysing and questioning your thoughts is
one approach. Ask yourself: 'Where did this thought
come from?' 'What made it pop in my head?' 'Is this
thought helpful?' 'Is it true?' 'Why am I thinking like
this?' 'Does this thought make me feel good?' Once
you’ve analysed and questioned the thought, the next
step is to thank your brain for trying to help, or for its
input, and let your mind know that these thoughts do
nothing but wear you down and make you tired.

32
Eventually, your mind gets sick of you doing this and
your ego begins to hate that you are doing this to it. As
a result, these thoughts tend to pop up less often.

Another tactic is the art of distraction (which also works

well for upset babies—which is kind of what your ego is
—an upset baby whose needs are not being met).
Picture this: the unhelpful thoughts enter your mind
unannounced and instead of entertaining or believing
them, you focus on something else, something real that
you can engage with using your senses. What can you
hear? What do you feel? What can you see? What can
you smell? Be intrigued by whatever you choose to
focus on. Be curious. Study it like it’s the first time
you’ve heard, touched, seen, or smelt it. Most of the
time you will only need to engage in an activity for
around two minutes, which is not a lot of time. Here are
some ideas of how you can distract your egoic mind and
give your brain a rest (more of this in Part 2):

 Listen to music (AC/DC works well).

 Short burst exercise (jumping jacks, burpees,
quick/short sprints).
 Play a musical instrument (try thrashing drums).
 Engage in conversation (with an interesting,
easy to talk to person).
 Read to learn (non-fiction).
 Learn something new (perhaps juggling).
 Watch a short comedic sketch.
 Woodwork or metalwork.
 Work on an engine.
 Deep relaxation exercises (mentioned in Part 2
of this book).

33
  Physiological sigh.

These techniques/activities aim to give your brain a

break and allow it to reenergise. They won’t rid your
mind of thoughts, but they will help to reduce unhelpful
and unproductive thoughts. Think of it like resetting or
restarting your computer. Giving your brain a break is
like resting the computer in order to stop it from
overheating (stress and anger). Keep in mind that trying
to control your thoughts is like trying to control the
wildest ocean: it’s impossible.

However, you can control your behaviour (the way you

react to your thoughts). Do you accept them as the
truth, as gospel? Do you let them control you?
Remember—you are the boss—not your mind. You will
develop greater control of your mind if you persist with
using the art of distraction and/or analysing and
questioning and paying close attention to your
thoughts. Anytime someone or something attacks your
ego-driven mind, you will be able to shrug it off, like
water off a duck’s back.

BEHAVIOUR
When we believe what our mind tells us, we often react
in nonlogical ways. Because we have been under the
control of our minds for so long, we don’t realise the
effect it has on us. Now that you are aware that our
unhelpful and unproductive thoughts can lead to
increased stress and anger levels, which in turn lowers
our tolerance levels, you should know what to look out
for. You will become more tolerant of the world around
you if you choose not to engage with your thoughts.

34
Believing your thoughts can lead to you regrettably
lashing out at a loved one, becoming physically
aggressive or storming off and bottling the anger up
even more. When you feel yourself getting frustrated,
annoyed, irritated, or angry, there are several other
steps you can take. One other trick is to smile or laugh it
off. This produces feel good chemicals like dopamine,
serotonin, and endorphins in the body, helping your
body recover faster from a stress response by
counteracting the previous thoughts which caused you
to enter into fight or flight mode.

MORE ANTIDOTES FOR UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS

Consider the following message from Alan Watts, 'a
person who thinks all the time has nothing to think
about except thought, so he loses touch with reality,
and lives in a world of illusions.' Alan refers to thoughts
as nothing more than 'chatter in the skull.' When you
are stuck in your head all the time thinking thoughts
that cause you to feel stressed or angry, you aren’t
exactly living a great life. You are merely a zombie with
a heartbeat. However, some thoughts can be useful.
Josef Koeberl, the Guinness World Record holder for the
longest duration of full-body contact with ice (two
hours, 30 minutes, and 53 seconds), and Wim ‘The Ice
Man’ Hof both claim positive thoughts are the key to
perseverance in challenging circumstances, such as
breaking a world ice challenge record. So, what does
this look like? If you are under stress, you might say to
yourself, 'I’ve got this,' 'I can get through this', 'I can do
this,' 'Life is great!' 'I am in control of my mind.' If you
are a Star Wars fan, you might say: 'Use the force'. You

35
may even picture yourself in a relaxing environment like
your favourite holiday destination.
Remember to not believe everything your mind tells
you; be the observer of your mind instead. If unhelpful
thoughts keep entering your mind, try counteracting
them by saying in your head something like, 'Thanks
brain but that’s an unhelpful thought' or 'Thanks brain
but I don’t need this.'
Our brain is more powerful than we think, and we can
control it better than we think. Studies have shown that
it is possible to control our body temperature when
exposed to the cold; we can control pain; we can
control where oxygen goes in our body and we can
control the PH level of our blood, making it more
alkaline. Furthermore, and most importantly, we can
control our nervous system (SNS and PSNS): we can use
it to overcome fear and to override our fear response.
In addition to this, we can trick ourselves into thinking
something is a threat when it is not. Which is what we
call anxiety.
Should we have a fear of public speaking? Does this
seem rational for social beings like us? Shouldn’t we be
more fearful of cars hurtling towards us on a road at
110km/hr while we are travelling at the same speed in
the opposite direction? Most of us do this every day and
it does not faze us one bit. Past minds have created
incredible technologies like computers, basic robots,
supersonic jets, spacecraft etc. We even have the power
to hate people we don’t even know or a culture we
know nothing about in the same way that we can judge
a book by its cover.

36
American actor/comedian Kevin Hart says, 'You are your
biggest enemy.' You are the only one who can make the
choice to stop believing your thoughts and indulging
your ego. You are the only one who can choose to take
control back. You may initially experience unpleasant
feelings when you begin to take back control, but the
unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings take roughly 60–
90 seconds to dissipate from after you think the
unpleasant thought that caused the uncomfortable
feeling. Psychologist and author Dr Joan Rosenberg says
to 'surf the wave' and to think of it this way, 60-90
seconds is 'half a song'.
However, you can’t get rid of thoughts forever and you
mustn’t try too hard to get rid of them. Try to stay calm
and relaxed as often as possible and remember that you
can still have fun with it. You can defuse unhelpful
thoughts by changing the voice in your head; making
the thoughts sound absolutely silly! This is a trick I
learnt from Russ Harris, a physician and bestselling
author of The Happiness Trap. You can change the voice
in your head to make it sound like Yoda, or Abu from
'The Simpsons', or David Attenborough, or maybe like
Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice in ‘The Terminator’ (‘I’ll
be back’). You can even play around with the volume of
the voice in your head by making it softer or louder.
If it’s reoccurring images or visions, you can also
manipulate them by changing the scene. You may like
to give the voice in your head a face and a name, like
'Mini-Me'. You can also use the power of your mind to
make the horrible sensations caused by your thoughts
to change by encouraging the feeling caused to become
bigger (amplified) or smaller. You can even move or

37
spread the horrible feelings to different parts of your
body.
Don’t forget that suffering is a normal part of life.
Everybody has struggled at some point in their lives.
Whether it is the struggle that comes with grief, the
struggle to get out of bed, financial struggles,
relationship struggles, chronic pain etc. Experience the
suffering. Let the suffering in and say, 'Thank you
horrible feeling' or 'Thanks Mini-Me.'
The best time to notice unhelpful and unproductive
thoughts and the related horrible feelings they cause, is
when stress and anger are more prevalent. Notice how
the thoughts affect the way you feel. How do you feel
when you are stressed or angry? The stress response
can make us behave in interesting and unusual ways
and we can feel strange and uncomfortable feelings. It
is extremely important to check in and notice when this
occurs. These feelings are subtle signals warning you to
stop, rest, relax and recover.
The most common place we hold tension is in our legs
as we need our legs first and foremost when we are
required to fight or flee. Wriggle your toes and feet and
move your legs to see if there is any tension. You may
need to do this many times throughout the day. We
also hold tension in our face, neck, and shoulders. Every
now and then squeeze your eyes shut and open them as
wide as you can raising your eyebrows. Do you notice
tension? Shrug your shoulders and move your neck
slowly side to side, up and down, ear to shoulder. Do
you feel any tension there? If you notice tension, figure
out if your thoughts are the culprit. Breathe deeply and
try one or more of the emergency tips mentioned
earlier to engage the rest-and-digest system.

38
Keeping stress levels down can be a difficult challenge
and it is important to remember to break life down and
take it one day at a time. I often feel stressed at work
when I begin to think to-do thoughts like 'I need to get
that done,' or 'I’ve got way too much to do!' In these
times I try to remember to take things one day at a time
—even down to one minute at a time. This is why it is
important to filter out any unhelpful or unproductive
thoughts, as they can trigger the stress response.

When you are stressed or angry, it’s easier for your

egoic mind to take control and hijack the rational
thinking part of the brain. Thoughts about what you
think others might be thinking about you (egoic
thoughts) are common due to our social nature and
need to be accepted in a group. It’s a good idea to think
to yourself are you doing the same to them? Are you
concerned with what they are doing or how they are
acting? Does it matter? This is what it looks like when
we question our thoughts. You can’t control other
people’s behaviour, but you can control your behaviour
and how you react.

When you get upset about what your mind is telling you
regarding this, for example, someone gives you a look
and you instantly think that person is judging you or
dislikes you, be sure to query this thought. In this
example there is a good chance that the look was not
intentional and was nothing more than a look. Perhaps
the other person made the look due to the thoughts
going on in their own head. On the other hand, there is
a good chance they were judging you or perhaps they
really do dislike you. When your ego-driven mind has

39
engaged in self-preservation tactics such as getting
angry and engaging in fight mode, it’s definitely the one
in control of the situation, not you.

This is the same as if you have thoughts that a certain

person is a dickhead or bitch. Your mind has you under
its control. You are simply getting upset by someone
else whose ego-driven mind has them under control.
You are angry at someone who is not thinking rationally
or clearly. Take control by controlling your mind. Don’t
engage in negative thoughts of the other person as this
is a complete waste of time and energy and only
contributes to your stress and anger levels. Remember
what this can do to you long-term. It will make you feel
like crap if you entertain these thoughts now and will
only lessen your life expectancy by increasing your
cortisol levels.

When you notice you are feeling stressed or angry,

remember to just smile or laugh it off. Better to release
those feel-good chemicals than to feel crappy for the
rest of the day. Feeling good and content will not have a
negative impact on your health which is most
important. Getting caught up in negative thoughts will
only add to your stress or anger.

Picture yourself watching a David Attenborough

documentary for a moment. A young zebra stands at
the edge of its herd near its mother peacefully eating
grass. In the tall grass a lion creeps up slowly, almost
within reach of the foal. Now, consider the creeping lion
to be the perceived or actual threats you face in a
typical day. The zebra are the thoughts, running around

40
frantically in your mind because of these threats. The
lion could also be you following and chasing down your
thoughts, like a dog following a scent. The cameraman
observes the chase through the lens. Noticing the
beauty in the unfolding scene: the tall grass swaying
gracefully in the wind, the lion’s golden mane and the
bold patterns on the zebra’s coat. Suddenly, you hear
David Attenborough’s voice 'Ah...there’s the thought
that...' The point I am trying to make is to be the
cameraman. Just observe what’s happening in your
mind. If paying attention to your thoughts causes
frustration or you feel stressed or anxious, laugh it off
and refer to the emergency tips section.

SUFFERING
After reading numerous books and conducting
extensive research on how the brain works and the
cause of stress and anger, I have come to the conclusion
that there are only two paths we can take. The first
involves fully engaging in and believing in our thoughts,
which is a bit like choosing to travel on board a yacht
sailing around the world. Sometimes you will sail in
calm waters where you can relax and have a bit of fun.
Other times you will be thrown around violently in a
storm and face having to ride out the horrible feelings
that come with this like deep sadness, anger, hate,
anxiety and stress.
This pattern may continue for years and years and
overall, you may feel good about the way things are
going or you might feel somewhat unhappy, like
something is missing in your life.

41
The other option is to stand on the shoreline and watch
the yacht from a distance. When the waters are calm,
you can choose to engage and maybe catch a dingy out
for the day or you can just sit back, crack open an ice-
cold beer and watch the yacht sail on by. During stormy
weather, you can also choose to sit back and watch the
yacht being thrown about and continually bombarded
with waves. This path seems much easier and nowhere
near as stressful. I know which path I would choose.

This path will require a great deal of pain and suffering

initially. It all depends how much conviction you have
and how often you practice the techniques and exercise
in this book as to how much you struggle. When you
struggle with accepting that your mind has control over
you, you will suffer more. If you accept this, it will be
much easier.

When you are stuck staring at something with your

brain switched off, you are not experiencing any
feelings because there are no thoughts. You are content
in this moment. If you are not thinking, you are in a
neutral state. It’s only when we are exposed to stress
causing external stimuli, or when we think of a
particular moment in the past, or we try to predict the
future that we experience thoughts that can alter our
feelings.

Suffering is inevitable. Some people can’t see past the

suffering. Always remember, you and only you can
control how you react to the suffering. Take
responsibility for your unhelpful and unproductive
thoughts. When you engage with them, you are only

42
torturing yourself. You are self-sabotaging. As soon as
you notice you are suffering, pay attention to your mind
(your thoughts), question your thoughts, thank your
brain for trying to help (accept the thoughts), distract
your mind, and take back control. Every setback, every
failure, every mistake is not a failure—but rather a
chance to grow. Over time, your level of suffering will
decrease, but it takes practice and dedication.

'Asking for help isn’t giving up…It’s refusing to give up.'

These are the words of Charlie Mackesy from his book
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse. Asking for
help does not make you less of a person. A good
psychologist or counsellor may be able to help you
understand why you behave in certain ways, help you
deal with certain thoughts, help you understand why
you feel a certain way and/or why you struggle with
problems like addiction, overeating, or anger issues.

Distraction through focusing 100% of your mind’s

attention, as previously mentioned, is key to limiting the
additional suffering that our thoughts contribute to. In
Part 2 you will discover more practical ways to achieve
this that can easily fit in to your busy lifestyle.

WHERE DID ALL THIS COME FROM?

Let me tell you how I discovered the importance of
paying attention to your unhelpful thoughts (cognitive
distortions). In 2012, I completed a three-day self-
improvement seminar where one after the other,
people would lay bare some of their deepest darkest
secrets or personal issues that they needed help
understanding or solving. They mostly wanted answers

43
to their biggest problems in life. The leaders of the
seminar would ask them a series of questions on stage
to uncover their thought process. They then cut through
all their bullshit and exposed them to all that was left:
the truth. This brutal technique was often the key for
many to see that their minds had been making up
stories throughout their lives. Most if not all the people
who went up on stage were left speechless at one point
when they realised that there was no logic behind their
thoughts. Most of the complaints people brought up
were things that we have all experienced or thought in
the past. It made me realise how similar we all are.

Our brain makes us make judgements of people based

on what we see within the first few seconds of meeting
someone. It makes us believe that we know what other
people are thinking based on their body language and
facial expressions e.g., he just gave me horrible look, I
think he thinks I’m ugly. Meanwhile, he was minding his
own business finishing a sandwich that had some sauce
in it he didn’t like the taste of. Then he just happened to
look at you at that exact moment. Or perhaps he was
replaying a disturbing thought in his head.

The seminar (which I won’t name for legal reasons) has

helped millions of people and businesses in the past and
has worked with many Fortune 500 companies
including the well-known US computer company Apple,
Australian mining giant BHP, the German car
manufacturing company Mercedes-Benz, and the British
pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline. After
completing the program, I pondered how the leaders
always knew what to say and how they had an answer

44
for anything thrown at them. It wasn’t until well after
this that I stumbled upon the concept of cognitive
distortions (which were mostly developed by
psychiatrists Aaron Beck and David Burns) that the
penny dropped and I connected the two together. I
believe now that this is how the leaders of the seminar
were able to free peoples’ minds and see the error of
their ways of thinking. For most people, including
myself, this was a life-changing moment.

THINGS TO REMEMBER
 Anger and stress are signals that tell us
something is not quite right, and we need to
make changes.
 You have the capability to control your SNS and
PSNS, in fact, all humans do.
 Effort = reward. How good you want to feel is
completely up to you and the effort you put in.
 When you engage with unhelpful thoughts, you
are only torturing yourself.
 There are many illnesses associated with stress
and anger.
 When you are suffering (pain, anger, stress
etc.), know that you can reduce it or even stop
it by noticing your thoughts and changing your
behaviour.
 Pay attention to your thoughts on a daily basis.
Notice at what times throughout the day your
mind thinks unhelpful and unproductive
thoughts. Notice the types of thoughts that
come up e.g., negative thoughts, time-related
thoughts, competing thoughts…
 Use the techniques mentioned to keep your
stress and anger levels down as often as you

45
 can to avoid catastrophic side-effects such as
heart attack or stroke: question the thought, do
some deep breathing, or short burst exercise or
use the emergency tips page.
 Anchors can be used to help quieten the mind
which gives your brain a break from thinking.
 It’s pointless hating someone or holding anger
towards someone. People are the way they are
due to the environment they live in and have
been raised in. Without loads of self-control it is
difficult for civilised people to control the way
they behave. However, you can control YOUR
RESPONSE to someone else’s behaviour.
 Don’t waste time trying to please others.
Instead, look after number one (that’s you).
 Steer clear of wish lists and to-do lists. Where
you should be, and what you should be doing,
you are doing right now.
 Only compete with yourself. Don’t compare
yourself to others. Life’s not a competition.
Take it easy.
 Don’t give in to your mind's sneaky tactics to
avoid pain and suffering. As soon as you realise
your thoughts have one over you, take action.
 There would be no need for mental asylums,
antidepressants, psychologists, or psychiatrists
if our brain knew what was good for it and if we
could control it (our thoughts in particular).
 Allowing your thinking brain to maintain control
over you is one of the main causes of your
stress and/or anger issues and is detrimental to
your physical health.
 When trying to limit unhelpful/unproductive
thoughts, don’t strive for perfection as this will

46
 only cause frustration. Do what you can do in
the time that you have and leave it at that.
Laugh off any frustration. Lower your
expectations as you will always have bad days.
Make it fun.
 If like me, you’ve read a stack of mental health
self-help books, and research papers on areas
surrounding mental health, you will know that
the main components revealed in this book,
that is—observing the mind, relaxation
strategies, getting out into nature, exercise,
diet, sleep, and socialisation, are the seven
most mentioned. I have not simply plucked
them from thin air.
 Most of these components just so happen to be
the common habits of highly successful people.
Most of these components were discovered to
be beneficial thousands of years ago. They have
been studied by numerous scientists from all
around the world who dedicate their lives to
their field of interest and often by more than
one scientist. For example, there are possibly
hundreds of scientists that have drawn different
or similar conclusions on how exercise impacts
mental health. A quick internet search brings up
the names of eight different scientists that have
published information on this on the first search
page alone.
WHAT TO EXPECT IN PARTS 2 AND 3?
Part 2 (RELAXATION):
 Breathing and stretching to relax.
 Best way to breathe.

47
  How to use anchors to control your thoughts
during long hold stretching exercises.
 How to use anchors to control your thoughts
during breathing exercises.
 Other exercises that involve using anchors to
reduce unwanted, unhelpful thoughts.
 How to incorporate these exercises into your
daily routine.
Part 3 (REENERGISE):
 The benefits of getting out into nature, of light
exercise, eating a healthy diet, adequate sleep,
and socialisation. How to incorporate all these
components into your daily routine.
 Ways to get outside more.
 Best type of exercise and how this can connect
to the observation component.
 Foods to avoid and eat more of.
 Ways to help you sleep.
 Ways to include more socialising.
 Weekly timetable suggestions.
 Understanding Fear and Anxiety
HOW HAS THE THREE KEYS HELPED ME?
 The worst of my IBS symptoms (bouts of
diarrhoea that lasted several weeks at a time)
have disappeared after living with it on and off
for 11 years.
 I have better control of my emotions (I rarely
experience anger and it is mostly fleeting
moments, not for hours and hours on end).
 I can observe/feel my stress levels rising, and
using the Three Keys, I know what I need to
correct my system (9/10 it’s exercise).

48
  I can recover from stress-related burnout much
quicker than before.
 I have more energy (and I'm getting a lot more
out of life).
 I am much more clear thinking—I’m more
efficient at work.
The more I execute the Three Keys, the better I feel. I
can’t wait to hear about your success with this first part
of the Three Keys: OBSERVATION.
If you would like to stay in contact and be the first to
receive Parts 2 and 3 when they are available, send an
email to threekeyslearning@outlook.com with the word
‘Subscribe’ in the subject box. This will be the best way
to contact me as I am trying to limit social media use to
save my sanity!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many thanks to Joel van der Loon who has provided his
time to further my understanding of the Hadza way of
life. Joel has spent a lot of time living and hunting with
the Hadza and travels to Tanzania frequently to visit
them. Joel’s videos can be found on YouTube at 'Joel V
Bushcraft'.

Thank you to all the scientists and writers for the work
you have done to understand the human body and for
making the information I have used available to the
public.

I’d also like to thank my wife, Desiree, for providing me

with the time to work on this project. I would never
have written all this if it wasn’t for our journey together.

49
Thank you, Sarah Newton-John, for your editing
expertise, Debraj Dey for the cover design and [insert
name here] for text formatting.

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