Emotional Regulation Skills

Do your emotions see you acting out before you can stop yourself? Known for being impulsive,
or even volatile? Emotional regulation skills don’t come naturally for everyone, but can be
learned.

What is emotional self-regulation?

If we grew up without consistent parenting, or lived through difficult circumstances as a child,

our capacity to emotionally regulate can be poor, called ‘dysregulation‘. Our impulsive reactions
can damage our relationships and career.

Emotional self-regulation is psychology speak for an ability to control your emotional responses
in an acceptable and productive way. You know how to take charge of your thoughts, feelings,
and physical responses to stress.

If you can navigate stress without panicking or lashing out at others, and can get things done
despite your emotions? Congratulations, you have good self-regulation.

But if you tend to lose it easily in the face of difficult conversations or life challenges, and are
completely sidelined by your feelings and the way they make you physically feel? Then you have
what is called ‘emotional dysregulation’.

But I only have self-control some of the time

Note that emotional regulation doesn’t mean we never show our upset. It means that we
innately understand the right moments to do so. So we don’t freak out if another driver yells at
us as we aren’t driving fast enough for their liking. But if a colleague steals our work and claims
it is their own, we can make our fury clear and refuse to be manipulated.

And poor regulation doesn’t mean that we are constantly a mess and incapable of any control
at all. We are all regulating our emotions all the time, with each decision and social interaction.
Emotions are part of everyday life, and are also useful. We need anger to set boundaries, or
sadness to process grief and mourning. You might do just fine, despite poor regulation, as long
as things stick to routine or the familiar. Unfortunately, though, life tends to present challenges.

Why does it matter if I regulate my emotions or not?

It matters a lot, because we live in a society that requires we can control ourselves if we want
to be accepted and appreciated.

Emotional self regulation means we have working relationships, can advance in our careers, and
have a supportive social life.

Of course not all cultures are the same. Some are known for embracing bigger emotions more
than others, such as Latin countries like Italy and France, compared to England or Scandinavia.
But in general, Western societies privilege those who exert self mastery.

An important benefit of emotional self-regulation is that we tend to understand the emotions

of others better and respond to them in more useful ways. We can see that an angry colleague
is having a bad day, and isn’t angry with us in particular. We don’t take it personally, spend the
day anxious, or get upset ourselves, but get on with our work.
On the other hand, emotional dsyregulation can lead to negative ways of coping, including self-
harm and addictions.

Regulation vs Dysregulation

So to summarise what the two look like, in case you aren’t sure where you fall on the spectrum?

Emotional regulation means you:

think before you speak or react

make choices from a place of consideration and calm

can handle criticism

navigate stress without resorting to anger or tears

don’t react to others moods

have healthy, supportive relationships

get along well with colleagues

can function despite feeling upset

know how to calm yourself (self-soothe).

Emotional dysregulation means you:

speak or react before you can stop yourself

make impulsive decisions that leave you full of regret

get very angry, upset, or anxious when criticised

panic in the face of stress, or dissociate

take others upset or moods personally

have difficult or unstable relationships

struggle to be yourself at work or have conflict with bosses and colleagues

constantly have regrets and anxieties

can’t make decisions or get things done when stressed

find it very hard to physically and mentally calm down.

Note that not all people who struggle with emotional self regulation come across as highly
emotional or passionate. Some deal with their difficulty by suppressing all their emotions and
hiding their true reactions, or creating a pleasing public persona. They can come across as distant
or cold in the workplace, or too agreeable. It might only be in private relationships that the
extent of their emotional difficulties is apparent.

Why do I suffer from poor emotional self-regulation?

We aren’t born to be an emotional mess, we learn how to be one. Yes, we might be born more
prone to being sensitive, or to seeing the world through the lens of emotions over thoughts. It
is true that some have a creative temperament, and some a logic one.
But it is the environments we grow up in – the people around us, the places we live in, the
experiences we have — that are the greatest influence.

It starts with the parenting we receive as in infant. Attachment theory suggests we need at least
one caregiver who is reliable. Who constantly provides the calm, unconditional love, and safety
a child needs to flourish. If we instead have a caregiver who is anxious, or moody, or only
sometimes available, we can learn emotional instability.

Childhood trauma is a key contributor to emotional dsyregulation. Trauma fractures a child’s

sense of self and trust in the world. They are left constantly anxious and scanning for danger,
growing up into an adult who can have complex PTSD. This means you are always on edge, ready
to react, and can be emotionally unstable.

Emotional dysregulation and borderline personality disorder

Child sexual abuse in particular is known for causing problems with emotional self-regulation. A
high incidence of those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experienced sexual abuse.
BPD leaves you lacking an emotional ‘skin’, over responsive to everything and with wildly
swinging moods.

Start with your mindset

Sure you can never be that sort of calm, cool, and collected person? “I’ll always be crazy”, “It’s
not possible for me to change”, “I am just unstable and damaged”…. is this the soundtrack of
your mind?

Here’s the thing. You already regulate your emotions. For example, perhaps you have:

not cried in a theatre even though a movie made you sad

stayed strong as a friend needed you in a difficult circumstance

hidden your own fear to comfort a younger sibling

remained calm in a job interview when the employer was being rude.

Emotional Regulation Skills

When stakes are very high, and we expect to be emotional, most of us can find some form of
control. Now you just need to learn how to transfer this control into less expected situations.

Recognise you CAN do this. Skills are learnable. It takes time and patience, that’s all. You just
need to learn and practice, then practise some more. If you mess up, then get up and try again.

Emergency emotional regulation techniques

When we are first learning how not to ‘freak out’ emotionally, emergency tactics can be a
godsend.

Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) was created for people with emotional dsyregulation or
borderline personality disorder (BPD).
It offers a scientific-based set of set of techniques for emotional tipping points, designed to
knock you out of thought and emotions and into your body, which creates a small break that
gives you the opportunity to choose a healthier reaction.

They are called ‘TIP skills’. Which stands for:

Temperature of your face

Intense aerobic exercise

Paced Breathing and Paired Muscle relaxation.

It’s pretty much what it sounds like. When you feel yourself about to explode, you can:

Hold your breath and plunge your face into cold water, triggering what is called the ‘human dive
reflex’ (or try holding ice in your hand).

Do about 20 minutes of aerobic exercise, at about seventy per cent of your ‘all out’ point.

Breathe in a measured fashion right into your diaphragm and keep it up for several minutes (if
you aren’t sure what your diaphragm is, put your hand on your upper belly. You need to breathe
deeply enough your hand rises and falls). As you do this scan through your body, clenching then
releasing a muscle with each in and out breath.

Other self-regulation tools that help

1. THE POWER OF FIVE.

The idea here is that, ‘as we do one thing, we do everything’. And that we can ‘train’ our brains.

Look at all the ways in life you give in to impulse and start adding five minutes. A timer can help.
If you are hungry, wait five minutes before eating your snack. Add five minutes to your cardio
routine. Time five minutes before sending a text or email. Once you get used to five, try ten. The
more you teach your brain to hold off, the more you might find you start holding off on
emotional responses, too.

2. THOUGHT BALANCING.

Mindfulness helps you hear your thoughts in the first place. But then what to do when you hear
all the negative or critical things you come across? Or how can you even tell what thoughts are
helpful or not?

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) uses ‘thought charts’ to help you recognise when you are
having having ‘cognitive distortions’, thoughts that seem real but actually aren’t. It then teaches
you to replace such dramatic thinking with more useful thoughts.

PERSPECTIVE HOPPING.

The more we are entrenched in one perspective, the less likely we are to understand others, the
more likely we are to get defensive and emotional when we are challenged.

Life is like standing around a statue of an elephant. To us, the entire world looks like a trunk, to
someone else, a tail. If we learn to walk around the statue, everything changes.
What is perspective?

Your perspective, in psychological thinking, is the way you have chosen to see the world. This
includes the way you see yourself and those around you.

Even if you think your thoughts on your life and on the people you know are ‘facts’, they really
aren’t. They are a series of beliefs you have chosen to live from – your perspective.

You could liken it to standing and looking at a statue, where the statue represents your life.
Think about how many other places you could stand and still see that statue. Of course if you
were standing on the other side, you’d have a different idea of what the statue looked like.

Your perspective might feel permanent, but it isn’t. Whether you realise it yet or not, your
perspective is actually a choice you have made. And like any choice, it can therefore be changed.

Why does my perspective matter?

The way you choose to see things directly affects every choice you make. So your perspective
ultimately determines how your life turns out.

For example, if your perspective is that people aren’t worth your effort, you will likely not get
married or have a family, and will likely work a job that doesn’t involve too much social
interaction. You might suffer from loneliness but at the same time not have to deal with too
much conflict.

If your perspective is instead that people are great and everyone likes you, you might have many
exciting relationships or get married, have children, and have a job that means you interact with
many colleagues. But you might have rocky relationships when people don’t like everything you
do and challenge you, and have constant conflict that causes you trouble at work and home.

Note that neither of these above perspectives are necessarily balanced ones. They are too much
to one side, choosing to see life as really terrible, or really good. Both of these perspectives are
what is known as black and white thinking.

Seeing the world from such a one-sided place leads to ‘cognitive distortions,’ an term used in
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to describe thoughts that don’t necessarily match up to the
reality of what’s going on. CBT is a great form of therapy if you suspect you might be living your
life from a skewered perspective and would like to start challenging your viewpoints and
thoughts and choosing ones that lead to a life you are happier with.

How does my perspective affect my moods?

Your perspective determines your thoughts, and your thoughts create a chain reaction that leads
to taking actions that make you feel either good or bad about yourself and your life. In Cognitive
behavioural therapy this is called a ‘behaviour loop’ or ‘maintaining process’. A thought creates
feelings and bodily sensations such as muscle tension. These combine to dictate your behaviour,
which then triggers another thought, and the cycle continues again.

Of course if that original thought is negative, you will tend to choose behaviour that leads to
another negative thought and so you get stuck in a negative pattern, leading to low moods. If
that original thought is positive, you will go on a positive loop. So your perspective is really a
main force driving your moods, whether you know it or not.
How can I change my perspective?

There are many ways you can begin to change your perspective, not the least of which includes
working with a coach, counsellor, or psychotherapist, all of whom are trained on the art of
learning how to shift perspective in a safe and positive way.

One of the ways you can begin to at least notice your perspective is to start asking yourself
powerful questions about your opinions and choices. Try questions such as:

why do I think/feel this way?

where did I learn how to think/feel this way?

who else do I know who thinks/feels this way?

what would my life look like if I thought/felt the exact opposite way?

why do people who think/feel differently than this think/feel the way they do?

how do people opposing how I am thinking/feeling right now think/feel?

To try what it feels like to change your perspective, it can be fun and illuminating to practise
seeing life as someone (or something) else entirely. For example, think of three people or
characters, dead or alive (or fictional), who you admire or are fascinated by. Then try to see a
problem you have through their eyes.

So if you have to go to a party where you are convinced nobody likes you, you could imagine
how the Queen might handle it (she’d act as if you were all honoured to know her at all). Or how
a Ghandi would handle it (he’s be kind to everyone, speak his truth, and not worry at all what
they think). This exercise even works if you get a bit silly; what would Mickey Mouse do? He’d
probably have a great time, flirting and dancing and getting into mischief.

The point is to see how many options you actually have for seeing a situation, and how many
choices you also have for how you handle a situation.

But I like the perspective I have. Why should I change it?

There is nothing wrong with keeping your perspective if you feel it has led you to create a life in
which you are truly content.

Even so, it pays to learn how to at least try shifting your perspective, as this leads to the
following:

A greater ability to understand others

stronger relationships with friends and partners

get along with colleagues better at work

more able to stay calm when others challenge you with their viewpoint

Furthermore, if you don’t question your perspective, you’ll never know if it’s actually yours at
all. Often, we grow up with the perspective of our parents or guardians and without realising it
continue to live our life as an adult from their viewpoint. Or, we might be so heavily influenced
by long-term friends, or so intent on co-dependently pleasing a partner, we again are living out
their viewpoint and assuming it is our own.
What if I find it too hard to change my perspective?

Sometimes it can be too hard to see what is our perspective by ourselves. We are too mired in
our need to please all those around us we might just have no idea if the way we see things is our
perspective or not, or just be sure of our perspective in some parts of our life but not in others.

Having the courage to learn who we are and begin to live from our own choices can be a real
learning curve, and a professional can create a safe, non-judgemental and supportive place for
you to try on new ways of seeing your world and yourself, as well as help you find strategies to
live from a new perspective that leads you in the direction of a life that works for you.

ROLEPLAY.

Family reunion ahead, and worried you will lose it yet again around a parent? It can be helpful
to role play possible challenges with a trusted friend or partner (or even out loud by yourself if
that’s the only option). And that doesn’t mean keeping it all positive. Sometimes it can help if
you say all the angry, outrageous, or ridiculous things you want, assuming your friend or partner
doesn’t mind the onslaught and you can laugh after!

Setting the groundwork for long-term regulation

It’s important to recognise that we can make emotional regulation skills far more likely to be a
success if we set the stage for them. The following can make things far easier.

1. CREATE STRUCTURE.

Structure in and of itself doesn’t stop emotional bursts, but it makes them less likely. And means
you are less tired and stressed, so more able to navigate challenges when they do come.

2. FIND A HEALTHY WAY TO LET OFF STEAM.

It has to be what works for you, not what works for others. If that means freeform journaling,
great. But it might also be hitting a pile of pillows, dancing around the living room, or having a
punching bag in your garage for when the need arises.

3. TRACK AND REWARD YOUR WINS.

Yes, trauma might have left your brain designed to overreact to stress. But it won’t have affected
the fact that our brains are designed to work for reward. Use this to your advantage by tracking
and celebrating your wins, no matter how small. You didn’t roll your eyes at your colleague. You
didn’t give the driver in front of you the finger. Write it all down in a notebook reserved just for
this purpose. And give yourself a reward for every ten wins.

4. HAVE SUPPORT.

Yes, trying therapy is the ideal situation. But you might also attend a free support group, or be
in a twelve-step group, or an online group. Or find a support buddy. Not your romantic partner
(that’s a one-way road to codependency) but someone else also working on their emotions, so
you can jointly ‘hold the space’ for each other.

5. AND YES, UP THAT SELF-CARE.

We aren’t talking about going to the spa here. We are talking about getting sleep instead of
staying up to play video games. Eating healthy foods that lead to even energy instead of living
off of soft drinks. The simple fact is that it’s very hard to stay calm and collected if we are
exhausted and jittery. And exercise, by the way, is now proven to go a long way for stabilising
moods.