Calm Before the Storm

Keeping your emotions to yourself will always end terribly, it’s just a matter of when and
where. You could be all smiley faces one day and in the next, you’re just a dead man walking.
And it’s not a pretty sight to see but that’s exactly what happened to me.

I really thought everything was finally okay. I had friends that I cared about surrounding me,
loving parents, good grades… but all of that was just a cover up for a huge bomb that was about
to go off at any given moment- covid.

What we thought would be a two-week break, turned into basically being locked in our own
homes for a while. Weeks without human interaction turned into months. At some point, even
seeing your own family was a risk. I never really knew how much being around people meant to
me until I had to be on my own. And all hell broke loose. They say that your mind has so much
power when you’re left alone with your thoughts… it eats you alive.

However, I did slowly learn to live with this new lifestyle. We started doing school online, I
finally had something to distract me. But you can’t be distracted forever. That’s when school
started to get difficult. I simply cared too much about my grades. I had to be perfect or else I
would feel like a failure. The thoughts got to me and I wish they haven’t. I cracked and
everything went downhill.

I have never felt more alone in my whole life. Nothing felt right and it was as if I was detached
from my own body. And although I was at home, it felt like I was away from my safe place…
stuck in a bubble full of dark thoughts. I was terrified of leaving my own room. I didn’t want to
lash out on my parents because of everything that was building up inside me. It’s like I was
dangerous towards the people around me, the people I care about. So, I isolated myself. I
thought it was the best option. But spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

Despite the fact that I acted as if everything was okay by putting this fake persona on, I still felt
like no one cared about me. I got so good at acting like everything was fine that I lost myself
along the way. I completely shut all my emotions off. This void that no one could ever fill, even
if they tried.
Then it happened, the final straw. After doing the best I have ever been, it was like a switch that
completely flipped. A person who turned out to be someone I didn’t think they were. They said
to me, with their full chest; “you were right… you are hard to love and you deserve nothing at
all. You are selfish and you love acting like the victim in every situation.” I lost it. I felt like the
room was closing up on me and I couldn’t breathe. I never felt more defeated in my whole
entire life. I’ve been ridiculed, in front of my friend who didn’t even bother defending me.

Weeks went by and I acted unphased by it all but in reality, I was running away from my own
problems. I didn’t feel like me and I didn’t like it one bit. I cracked once again but this time I
asked for help. God, I regret it so much. I should’ve known nobody actually cared. I reached out
and it was like I didn’t even exist. They didn’t even bat an eyelash… didn’t even tell me I was
going to be okay, not even making me feel like they were there for me. Instead, I got ignored
and pushed away like I was nothing- a human that deserved nothing.

Admittedly, I’m not the type of person who opens up to anyone. I never want to be a burden to
the people around me. And it’s a flaw that I was working on. My friends often are upset they
know nothing about me, but when I finally feel comfortable enough to say something… it gets
used against me. I can never win, it sucks.

I feel like I’m stuck in a prison I can’t escape from. I always have to fight my battles alone. For
once, I want someone to fight with me. I need to get out of this place. But you can’t really do
that without a support system. So, here I am all alone fighting till my very last breath. It doesn’t
seem to work, but it’s better than nothing.

Alas, I’m trying my hardest to get back to the person I was before. And I just hope that
someone can see that. I wouldn’t even wish this upon my worst enemy. I wish to find my
people, but most importantly I hope I can find myself again… get back on track, be the hard
working, and loving, nice gal I always was.