Eight Reflections On 40 Years Of Marriage

By Thom Rainer on Dec 18, 2017

President, LifeWay Christian Resources

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I want to share with you readers eight of the most powerful lessons I have learned in 40 years
of marriage.

Scripture: None (Suggest Scripture)

Tags: Marriage, Thankfulness, Personal Life, Marriage Commitment  (view more) (Suggest Tag)

True to form in our marriage, Nellie Jo and I spent our 40th anniversary yesterday in simple
fashion. We went to church and heard our son/pastor preach. Then we went to the elegant
Cracker Barrel for lunch.

To be sure, we celebrated our anniversary earlier with trips to Mystic, Connecticut, Hershey,
Pennsylvania, and our first geographical love, Florida. But the time at church and Cracker
Barrel reflects more poignantly the simplicity and joys of our marriage.

What have I learned in 40 years of marriage? I have learned the cliché, “Time flies,” is more
a reality than a cliché. I married my girlfriend when I was 22. I am now 62. Those four
decades have been a blur. I have also learned than referring to my wife jokingly as “the better
half” is not a joke at all. Nellie Jo is one of the most selfless people I have ever known. She is
truly so much the better person in our marriage.

But I did want to share with you readers eight of the most powerful lessons I have learned in
40 years of marriage. I am neither the font of wisdom nor the personification of the good
husband. But I have learned some things. Perhaps the lessons can be helpful to some of you.

1. Marriage is an incredible gift. I have taken the gift for granted too many
times. I have taken Nellie Jo for granted too many times. But, with each
passing year, I see more clearly what an incredible gift marriage is from God,
and what an incredible gift Nellie Jo is to me.
2. The “for worse” moments” are some of the most powerful moments in
marriage. We have embraced and cried with each other in the deaths of three
of our parents and our grandson. I cried countless tears when Nellie Jo was
diagnosed with an aggressive cancer at age 49. I thought I might lose her. I
can’t imagine walking those paths alone without her.
3. Arguments are normal. I have learned begrudgingly how to fight fairly in
marriage. Nellie Jo and I have had our share of arguments in 40 years. My
problem is that my competitive nature wanted to win those arguments. In my
latter years, I am learning that winning is really losing. I am still learning that
the words, “I’m sorry,” are more powerful than, “I’m right.”
 4. I have learned that “the church” and “my family” are false dichotomies.
Yep, I’ve been one of those pastors and Christian leaders who proudly said,
“My priorities are God, my family, and my church.” The problem with that
statement is that it puts family and church in competition with each other. I
have learned that when I truly follow God faithfully, I realize that my family is
part of the church, and they are the first who receive my love, attention, and
ministry.
5. The next generations are God’s blessings on a marriage. I love my three
sons with an unbridled joy. They have become the men they are by the grace
of God and the faithful love and attention of their mother. They have given us
ten grandchildren, nine of whom we enjoy today, and one with whom we will
reunite when we go to heaven.
6. My marriage is always stronger when I pray with my wife. I have been
inconsistent in praying with Nellie Jo. My inconsistency is stupid because our
marriage is always stronger when I pray with her.
7. I have learned to let my wife be herself. Nellie Jo is a free spirit and an
artist. Too many times I have tried to shape her in my image. But I love the
joy she now has just being herself. As a husband, I have learned every day that
God has shaped and gifted Nellie Jo uniquely, and I celebrate the unique
person she is.
8. I am blessed man. After 40 years of marriage, I love my wife more deeply
than ever. Nellie Jo is a gift from God to me. I don’t deserve her. We are now
in our fourth quarter of life, headed toward the “till death do you part” phase
of marriage. My salvation is a gift. My family is a gift. And the love of my
wife is a gift. I deserve none, but I am grateful to God for all.

Thank you, readers, for allowing me this detour from my usual articles. Above all, thank you,
Nellie Jo, for saying “yes” 40 years ago. I am truly a blessed man. And I love you, girlfriend,
so very much.