Greetings, fapstronauts

I'm not sure what is happening exactly, but it's scary, it's awesome, and
it's real. Something has changed. My mind and body are awakening
from a slumber that I fell into at a mere 8 years old, when I discovered
that repeatedly rubbing my cock gave me "the shivers".

I began my NoFap journey over two years ago, and many, many, many
relapses later, I believe that I finally understand what many NoFap vets
have been saying all along: NoFap isn't about "pulling chicks" or acting
"alpha", it's about waking the fuck up.

Now for some context: I am 25 years old. For years I had crippling
anxiety/depression. I have had two girlfriends. I am generally a bit timid
around women unless I am intoxicated-- in which case I become overly
aggressive bordering on sleazy. I have hooked up with a fair share of
women, but I have never, ever in my life had sex; nor have I been given
a "tug" or a blowjob. In fact, I am extremely stunted in a variety of ways:
no drivers license, virginity still in-tact, and living at home with my very
supportive and simultaneously repressive parents. At 25 years old.

Sure, I have a college degree from a fairly established university, but

the pride that gives me pales in comparison to the guilt and shame I
feel from lacking a drivers license, a place of my own, and most
crushingly, lacking sex and intimacy.

You might assume I am a pear-shaped Minkus, but in many ways I am

quite the opposite: high school soccer captain, baseball MVP, 6'1,
perfect teeth, cleft chin. And before you accuse me of bragging,
consider that I just admitted to being a 25 year old virgin who lives at
home with his parents and can't drive a car.

Now, before I proclaim that all these flaws have been fixed-- let me
assure you that they remain. I am still stunted in all these ways. But
what has shifted dramatically since I began this NoFap journey is my
desire to change them. It is no longer a slow, suffocating "fuuuuuck"
as I wallow in apathy as the ship crashes into the iceberg. No-- what I
feel now is a genuine desire to take action, and take action now. Fuck
the iceberg.

My desires and guilt are no longer welled deep in the recesses of my

being-- suppressed when they daringly rise to the surface. Now, I feel
them deeply. I feel them head on. It is painful, to be sure, but I've come
to realize (largely due to NoFap, it seems) that these issues are not
irreversible burdens of a sad and lonely fate: they are simply important
aspects of life that I have failed to experience or attain due to a variety
of factors (fapping, anxiety, depression, marijuana, low self-esteem).
I first started NoFap around two years ago when I inadvertently didn't
spank it for a week, and noticed a shift in my energy and confidence. I
googled something like "benefits of not masturbating" and discovered
this whole movement or lifestyle, whichever you prefer to call it.

Anyhow, to reiterate what I said earlier: two years and many, many,
many relapses later, I believe that I finally understand what many
NoFap vets have been saying all along: NoFap isn't about "pulling
chicks" or acting "alpha", it's about waking the fuck up.

In the beginning, I struggled to extend a streak beyond 7 days. My

mental discipline was no match for my (seemingly) rising testosterone.
One dirty thought would lead to another, and before I knew it the urge
had overcome me, and I'd spend 3+ hours looking for the perfect porno
that matched whatever oddly specific sexual craving I was having at
the moment. Other times, the relapse would be a quick yank with no
porn and only my imagination. Regardless of the method, the next day
I would always feel like shit: depressed, regretful, anxious, and not
confident. It became like clockwork: extend a streak beyond ten days,
good things start happening. Relapse-- drain my body of its vital fluids
and my brain of its crucial dopamine-- and suffer the consequences.
After many shorter streaks, the difference between the two states
(fapping vs. streak) became crystal clear, and I used the memory of
regretful relapses as fuel to continue forward. It got to the point where
I would avoid social situations if I had recently fapped, because my
core essence was so clearly zapped (social confidence rises greatly
during a streak). When you get used to how you feel on a streak, it
becomes who you are-- and in the days following a relapse, you no
longer feel like yourself. It's analogous to Austin Powers getting
rendered useless without his mojo.

So, with the benefits of a streak and the awful drawbacks of fapping
clear in my mind, I was able to consistency abstain for weeks,
sometimes months at a time. Over the past few months, I have
abstained almost entirely (with the exception of a night where I fapped
to relieve the horrid blue balls that were caused by an inability to
perform due to whiskey dick-- hence my 17 day badge).

One of the recent changes is the frequent occurrence of wet dreams,

which had eluded me all through adolescence (probably because I
jerked off daily during that time). At first I was incredibly frustrated
because they felt like a relapse that was not my fault. Sometimes I
would feel defeated by a wet dream and say "fuck it, might as well jack
off" and spank it for a night or two-- only then did I learn that
masturbating makes me feel wayyy worse than a wet dream.
Chemically, biologically, I have no idea why masturbating makes me
severely depressed and wet dreams don't (to the same extent).
Another thing that helped was hearing the NoFap adage, "Hands on
your cock, reset the clock; nocturnal emission, continue on your
mission." And to that I say FUCK YEAH because nocturnal emissions,
to an extent, are a good thing. They are progress. They are a sign that
your brain chemistry and hormones are returning to balance.

One thing I noticed is that the nights I had wet dreams were all nights
(days) in which I was exposed to an arousing or pornographic image.
The night I started watching Marco Polo and saw the whorehouse:
Boom. wet dream. So I make an incredibly strong effort to not watch
anything arousing whatsoever. Yesterday when I watched Forgetting
Sarah Marshall I left the room every time Jason Segal or Russell Brand
were getting laid. In combination with this, I've developed a
visualization method to ward off wet dreams, and so far it has a 100%
success rate. The method is to vividly picture Runkle from
Californication with his little dude butt in whitey tighties. The image
grosses me out, and I try to think of it every night before bed (Runkle,
if you are reading this, I am truly sorry).

And that takes us to now. The bad news, fellas, is that I don't feel
amazing all the time. I don't feel like George Clooney when I hit the
town. I don't fall asleep at night feeling thankful for how grand and
perfect everything is. In a sense, NoFap does quite the opposite. It
wakes you from a numbed state. It says "fuck you and your apathy.
Here is some real pain, some real desire. Do something about it." It's
difficult to recognize that you are numb and detached when you are
numb and detached. It's like how crazy people don't know they are
crazy (or so I've heard). Only when the fog and apathy and depression
start to lift do you realize how long you've been under. How long you've
been gone. It's liberating and it's terrifying, but it's better than being
numb. I should add, that in addition to this awakening, not fapping
improves confidence, significantly reduces anxiety and depression,
and fills you with a calm and quiet confidence. It won't turn you into
George Clooney, but you will feel a lot more like him than you did while
drenching the happy tissues.

A lot of you aren't going to like what I'm about to say. And if you've
somehow made it this far into my massive internet thought dump, I tip
my cap your way. What I'm about to say is that a huge part of my
waking up also involved quitting marijuana and caffeine, both of which
I have consumed regularly for years. I quit smoking weed in November
of 2013. Quitting weed caused crippling anxiety which took months to
cease. It took a solid 9+ months before I felt like my old self again.

Quitting coffee came much later. I did it because I decided I didn't want
to be dependent on anything other than food, water, and exercise. The
first two weeks are brutal-- your head is scrambled, the fatigue is a
freight train-- but it gets better. I can't speak for everyone, but lots of
my stress and issues disappeared when I gave up caffeine.
Coincidence? Possibly. But I have no intention of consuming the stuff
ever again. I won't even eat chocolate chip cookies. Which brings me
to my next point:

I think some of the benefits of quitting these habits aren't so much the
physical/chemical changes themselves, but the discipline it requires to
make-- and stick to-- the change. I have found the whole situation to
be paradoxical: I spent years and years consuming drugs, porn, video
games and whatever else in an attempt to feel better; an attempt to
achieve some kind of true satisfaction that I sorely lacked. However,
after abstaining from all these things, I have found that the peace and
comfort I sought through substances was within me all along. I didn't
need to add; I needed to subtract. And now that I have done so, I am
prepared to add again: only this time, I'll be adding components of life
that I find meaningful and fulfilling, rather than vacuous stimuli that only
make things worse in the long run.

So what am I really trying to say here? What is the purpose of this

masturbatory novella? Perhaps it's to reach out to someone like me,
someone who is depressed and anxious and has been playing their
own skin flute for as long as they can remember. Perhaps there is
someone smoking the days away into a haze of blurry memories and
sticky nights. Perhaps there is someone like me, who strung together
several NoFap streaks, but hasn't noticed any benefits beyond
improved confidence or libido.
Just know this: NoFap isn't a tidal wave where the benefits appear
quickly on the horizon and smash anything in its wake. NoFap is a
glacier. It is strong, powerful, and steady. You likely cannot see it
moving, but it is. And with time, it will carve out something grander than
you can imagine. But like I've mentioned: the true benefit of NoFap isn't
+10 points in confidence and +20 points in masculinity.

The ultimate reward is clarity. The ultimate reward is pain.