Text: Dr.

Robert Glover

Positive Emotional Tension: PET

Lesson 3 Bonus: Why Did She Do That?

What Happened?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard men describe a situation with a
woman they thought was going really well, until “out of the blue”, she with-
draws, gets moody, or starts a fight about something that seems totally unre-
lated to the experience they were having.

Here’s an illustration. Jim and his wife Sarah go away for a weekend to a cabin
in the mountains. They talk a lot on the drive. Friday night and Saturday are
fantastic. They go for walks, talk, play games, read books, and make dinner
together. They have amazing sex. Jim is having a great time and assumes his
wife is as well.

On Sunday morning Jim wakes up and his mind is now set on organizing ev-
erything for the drive home later that morning. He gets out of bed, checks his
work email, and starts getting things ready to pack into the car. His wife walks
into the kitchen in her bathrobe and without a word, starts making herself

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 ALL WAS GOING REALLY WELL, UNTIL “OUT
OF THE BLUE”, SHE WITHDRAWS, GETS
MOODY, OR STARTS A FIGHT ABOUT SOME-
THING THAT SEEMS TOTALLY UNRELATED
TO THE EXPERIENCE THEY WERE HAVING.

coffee. He moves toward her and she stiffens. He’s confused; he asks what’s
wrong. She replies, “nothing”, and coldly leaves the room.

Now Jim is totally perplexed. He’s had one of the best weekends he can re-
member in a long time. For some reason, Sarah’s upset about something. He
wants to get everything back to when it was all happy and smooth. He asks
one more time what is bothering her. She says, “If you have to ask, I’m not go-
ing to tell you. Leave me alone, I just want to take a bath.”

Jim walks on eggshells the rest of the morning, trying not to upset her further.
He thinks maybe if he just leaves things alone, she’ll get over her mood and be
happy again. There is cold silence on the ride home. Finally, after what seems
like an eternity, she blurts, “I hate it that you are always on your computer.
That damn thing is more important to you than me. I’ve had enough.”

Jim of course, doesn’t know what the hell just happened. He starts to defend

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checking his email that morning, detailing all the things he did for her and
what a good time they were having that weekend until she woke up in a bad
mood. He accuses of her always having to ruin everything with her moods. He
tells her that she isn’t happy unless he is unhappy.

Sarah proceeds to list every resentment she has about his preoccupation with
work and the time he spends online. She states she knew that the weekend
was a fluke and she wished it never happened, because now it feels even
worse to return to “normal.”

Jim continues responding to her “emotional logic” with his “rational logic”. Fi-
nally she declares, “I hate you. Just leave me alone.” She stares out the window
the rest of the way home.

A few days later in his men’s group, Jim describes the scenario seeking some
clues to why things went from great to terrible so quickly. As he tells the story
of the weekend and his wife’s “crazy” behavior, every other man in the group
is nodding their head from common experience. Almost in unison, the men all
ponder, “What is that about? Why do they do that?”

So what happened with Jim and Sarah?

As a woman, Sarah craves the emotional tension that Jim’s presence and
leadership creates for her. She loves knowing what’s going on in his head and
wants to believe that he cares what’s going on in hers. This feels solid to her. It
validates her. It builds a sense of deep trust. It arouses her.

These are the things a security-seeking creature most deeply desires. It is

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literally heaven on earth for her man’s presence to provide a container for her
flowing energy. The way he opened up to her and set the tone over the week-
end made her feel safe and loved.

So why did Sarah “ruin” a great weekend by starting a fight Sunday morn-
ing? Why does any woman throw zingers or accusations out of the blue? Why
does the feminine seem to need so much drama when being calm and relaxed
seems like more fun? Why do women seem so complicated?

Why So Much Drama?

As a man, whenever a woman is behaving in a way that you don’t understand,
it usually comes down to one of three things:

She is hormonal.

It is possible she is PMSing or experiencing the fluctuating hormones of meno-

pause. This isn’t meant to be dismissive, but female hormones have a huge
affect on the brain and mood and can fluctuate up to 25% in a 30-day period.

As a man, I’ve never understood why some women are surprised to find out
every month that they have PMS (and it’s the reason they’ve been on an emo-
tional roller coaster for the previous three days). It’s only been happening ev-
ery month since she was 13. Yet she can’t seem to remember it comes around
every 30 days! But hey, I’m a guy – I mark it on the calendar.

Her sense of security feels threatened.

Remember, she is a security-seeking creature and you are her security system.

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When you lie to her, don’t keep your word, don’t follow through, don’t tell her
what you think, don’t set boundaries, let your mother control you, don’t show
up on time, or lose presence or consciousness in any way, she will feel unsafe.
This loss of security feels terrible to her and her feminine will punish you for it.

Her sense of connection feels threatened.

If you have been busy, preoccupied, inattentive, or happen to check out a

pretty woman walking by while your woman is talking to you, she senses the
loss of connection to the core of her being immediately.

Women are sensitive in ways that men can’t understand. When she loses her
sense of connection she will assume that something outside of her is causing
this feeling (that is the nature of the feminine).

Since she is a security-seeking creature and fears that loss of connection, she
has to imagine the worst possible scenario. If it comes to pass, she will be pre-
pared. This is why a woman may sometimes accuse you of the most ridiculous,
outlandish crime, and be fully convinced that her feelings are facts, no matter
how little evidence there is to support her.

But Everything Was Going So Well

So with these three factors in mind, here are some of the reasons why a wom-
an might get moody or start a fight when everything seems to be going well
(at least from the guy’s point of view).

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She is having a great time, but in her mind she realizes the deep connec-
tion she is experiencing with you is near an end.

Once her mind starts imagining what it’s like to lose the connection with you
(i.e, the date will end, you have to go to work, the ball game is about to start,
etc.), she will now emotionally react as if she has already lost the connection
with you.

She may be reacting to your waning presence.

You have been present with her and setting the tone. This makes her feel safe
and connected. Soon enough, you start getting distracted thinking about
other things you will have to deal with.

In the case of Jim and Sarah above, Jim was attentive throughout the weekend
and Susan was in bliss. However, when he got up Sunday morning, Jim went
into organizing mode. He was planning how to pack the car, thinking about
the route home, and scheduling the next day’s work. Sarah experienced this
loss of Jim’s presence deeply and lashed out at him for making her feel so bad.

The feminine can sense even a momentary loss of a man’s presence. It feels
terrible down to her core. Most women have gotten used to this and don’t
realize what is causing their bad feelings; they just know they feel it most of
the time.

She experiences a loss of positive emotional tension.

Let’s say you set the tone and take the lead most of the time. But tonight
you are tired and you come home and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?”
She hates this and will create negative tension to compensate for your lack of
positive tension.

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Perhaps you are withholding something from her and its making you anxious.
She can actually sense that you are withholding and responds to that lack of
positive tension (telling the truth and revealing yourself are two of the most
powerful ways to create and maintain positive tension).

She doesn’t like creating negative tension (controlling, complaining, nagging,

accusing, slamming cabinet doors), but has to when you stop doing your job.

Crazy?
The next three explanations as to why women create negative emotional ten-
sion are going to make you crazy, but there is a feminine logic to these rea-
sons, if you’ll let go of your rational masculine logic for a few moments.

At times, a woman will create drama and crises when things are going
well because she hates you for making her dependent on your presence
to feel so damn good.

A man’s presence can take a woman places she can’t take herself. This feels
both incredible and terrible to her all at the same time. She craves this deep
sense of connection and security you can give her and she hates you at the
same time because you’re able to take it away from her without notice.

She loves a closely played game.

Even though this reason may seem crazy to you, it also might make sense.
If you enjoy sports, which would you rather watch, a closely played game in
which the outcome is uncertain until the final minutes or inning? Or a total
blowout where the outcome is never in question? Odds are, if you are sports
fan, you like the close and well-played game.

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Women are no different. They like a close “relationship game” in which the
outcome could go either way. This creates tension (just like the close ballgame
does for you and chick flicks do for her).

If you and your woman are having such a wonderful time that it is akin to a
“blowout”, she might have to make the game close by stirring things up just a
little to keep it interesting. It’s that emotional tension thing.

She is bored or just wanted to see if she could get your attention.

Women have confided in me that they consciously do this.

The Weather
No matter how well you think you understand women, and more specifically,
how well you think you understand a particular woman – your wife or girl-
friend – more often than not, you’ll be wrong. The male brain just isn’t wired
to comprehend the workings of the female brain.

A woman’s moods, hormones, thoughts, wants, and actions can change like
the weather. Her feelings often become facts, and those facts are often fluid.
The rules change frequently and there will always be a double standard. She
will behave with immunity in ways that you would pay hell for.

Even though you will frequently ask, “Why did she do that?” or “What did I do
wrong?” these questions are moot. They won’t move you forward and find the
information you are seeking.

I remember an incident several years ago when my stepson was around 12. He
was watching a teen drama, 90210. One of the female characters was causing

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 THE NEXT TIME A WOMAN IS ACTING IN
WAYS THAT DON’T MAKE SENSE TO YOU
AS A GUY, REMIND YOURSELF THAT SHE IS
THE WEATHER.

some kind of drama. He turned to his 15-year old sister, doing her homework
nearby and asked, “Why do girls do that?”

Her answer was a pithy, “How the hell would I know? I don’t know why I do
what I do half the time.”

Never ever ask her why she is acting that way. The answer she will give you
will be wrong and will send you on a fool’s errand. A feminine creature always
believes that whatever she is feeling and the ways she is acting are caused
by something or someone outside of her (usually you, if you ask her “What’s
wrong?”).

The next time a woman is acting in ways that don’t make sense to you as a
guy, remind yourself that she is the weather. I know women make us guys
crazy, but they can also be the icing on a great cake of a life, and a hell of a lot
of fun.

That’s why I say that a conscious relationship with a good woman can be a

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powerful personal growth machine. Anything that challenges us to stay con-
scious, pay attention, act with integrity, and grow a pair has to be a good
thing, right?

So whenever you are questioning, “Why is she doing that?” shut off the male
1s and 0s logic for just a moment. You aren’t going to figure her out and there
isn’t a “right” way for you to act or react.

More often than not, one of the following three actions is your best choice:

1. Show up with more presence.

2. Give her space.

3. Set a boundary.

Soothe yourself and keep your frame (see more in Lesson Three). No matter
what you do, there is no way to manage a woman’s mood, control her actions,
understand her logic, or keep your world smooth and drama-free.

So the next time a woman’s behavior doesn’t make sense to you, get out your
sunglasses, your parka, your shorts, your umbrella, your snow suit, your flip
flops, and your boots. It’s time to enjoy the weather.

(c) Copyright 2014 - 2015, Dr. Robert Glover

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