The Longest Text Ever!

– II

i just found out something phenomenal. its reeeeal bad. im on a list. and no, not
an fbi list or something, i was on one of those a longgg time ago. im on a longest
text ever list. crazy i know, im actually almost a celebrity now. apparently im
third! in the world! yes you read that right. but little did i know something alot
scarier was going to happen. theres someone who has written more than the flaming
chicken person. which means that im not actually as close to the goal as i thought,
but thats ok because im still writing. heres more information about my fame: my
website has reached 4,000 views. i know what youre thinking: what?? people may have
actually read this? no. the answer is that my loteev starts really… interestingly.
i used to think would have to live with that beginning, and if people didnt like it
there was nothing i could do. that was: until i invented time travel. thats right,
the beginning you may have read when you started this LoTeEv (apparently the
community likes calling them LTEs but i dont listen to societies norms) may not be
the original beginning. crazy i know. but how to i start a LoTeEv to draw the
reader in? these dont work like normal books. theres something about the worse
writing that makes it more interesting? i dont know why people would read this. i
mean, i read the flaming chicken handbook (for ressearch for my LoTeEv obviously
(and because its a work of literary art)) and it was riveting from beginning to
end. but what about mine? it seems something interesting yet different. what if im
just writing for the words, but not for the inerest of you? well yeah, thats kinda
the point of the LoTeEv. this isnt supposed to be the best thing you could be
reading right now, but its supposed to be a story within a story, a dream within a
dream. im not only writing the stories of Securitee and Circcy, but as i write you
can read between the lines and see what i as a person am also doing. but whats up
with e-books? why do they cost so much money, and why do libraries have limited
copies of them?? do authors need money or something?? i seriously dont get it. i
would be ok with paying a few cents for a nice audiobook, but 18 euros?? like come
on. i know how rich these authors are, they dont need any more of my money. also
whats up with airpods? people act like theyre the most expensive luxury item ever
created, but its only like 2 days of work to afford like u wot m8 u bot da nu eir-
pawds like legit u wot m8 bruh and im like stap guysss… ur making absolute bufoons
of yourselves… whats the worst thing to get a lifetime supply of? beheadings?
something like that. you reader email me with what you think is the worst thing! i
am verrrrry interested. right now my LoTeEv is probably around 150,000 characters.
that means my ultimate goal is to get to the big one milly boi. once i get there i
can die in peace, knowing that my works were comepleted. i wonder where the last
sentence of this will be. when i was reading the flaming chicken handbook lte it
just… ended. at some point she just decided to stop writing. i hope that only
happens when im old. but i know one day ill forget about this, and ill come back 5
years later and read it, and maybe start again. what are the rules fo rthese
anyways? would anyone know if i secretly plagiarised someone elses? guys you should
know to be suspicious if i somehow start talking weird. Im baaaaack! did you know
that pigs cant look up? they spend their whole piggy lives staring at the horizon,
never knowing what the sky really looks like. so heres one of my goals for you:
tilt a piggy. let him really see the stars and the milky way for the first time,
let him be encompassesd in pure wonder. he deserves it. next time you eat bacon,
remember its probably never seen the skies. section 1890291000 (the number to call
if you want to locate an irish pig professional) of the Rainbow FluffySheep
Handbook STATES that every pig in the world should be tilted at least once in their
life ( this task is not to be completed by the Shepherd of the Worthy Lambs, solely
because it sounds tiring). i hate irish. i know this is such a craaazzzy opinion.
the government obviously has school just to test student ability to learn, and
theyre ability for self discipline. learning science is 99% not going to be used
for people, but the act of learning it is whats important. nonetheless, they try to
convince students that this isnt true, by saying thing like ‘oh, maybe youll be on
a game show one day and theyll ask you what the powerhouse of the cell is and youll
win a million’. like, really? this is how they try to convince us that school is
important? now heres my opinion, yes you could technically make an argument for
science and math being important and useful, but.. Irish? reallly? we learn irish…
to talk to other people who cant reall speak irish… an who dont need to speak
irish. my prediction is that by maybe 2030 the irish language will no longer be
mandatory, because everyone will realise it sucks. theres this article about
someone who learned irish for 13 years and still couldnt have a conversation?? its
because its the worst language ever. thank you for listening to my rant. section
73803 (the number of people who speak irish daily according to the 2016 irish
census) STATES that any child forced to learn THIS ABOMINATION OF A SO-CALLED
LANGUAGE gets a free badge from the Rainbow FluffySheep Corp. that says ‘nothing
about irish is green and gold, so im still in hell’. I hope yall appreciate my
badges and dont try learning irish just for the badge, ok? btw im going to admit
that was a bill wurtz reference, listen to his music becase its bomping fun. i hate
ireland i hate ireland i hate ireland i hate ireland. what was that i just typed? i
found a four leaf clover on the ground, so i wrote i hate ireland on each leaf and
threw it to the wind 🙂 heres my list of reasons i hate ireland. 1- being forced to
learn the stupidest, most useless language on this side of the hemisphere. 2- the
weather is so bad, and so rainy, i can walk out my door and start swimming.. in the
air! thats how much water there is, did you know more people drowned in the air
from the rain in ireland than know the irish language? (i made that up but heres a
real fact: theres a wikipedia article titled: anti-irish sentiment and i refuse to
read it just in case it doesnt have to do with the language). ok so im not going to
finish that. you guys already know how terrible it is. im baaaaack! and i have lots
of things to say. i read the best book ever yesterday, the hitchikers guide to the
galaxy. now, correct me if im wrong, but dont i write alot like douglas adams but
worse? thats what i got from reading the book. ({(section 919919 (because thats
kinda what you type when you type it) of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook STATES
that typing ‘({()})’ except without the apostrophes means that the thing you are
going to type in there is a completely irrelevant side tangent from what you were
talking about. ok heres something i need to know. I want to quote the Hitchhikers
Guide but i dont know if thats allowed? so heres what im going to do. my rule is
that at the least, 99% of the LoTeEv is going to be made up of actual original
typing (which is really hard if you read the other LoTeEvs and realise THEYRE ALL
THE EXACT SAME) and i get 1% for other stuff that i want to quote. so right now I
dont think ive directly quoted anything, so i have like 300 free words to use 🙂
(oh except that pokemon thing lol, but whatever). section 0.01 of the R FS H sTaTeS
that the LoTeEv can have 1% quoted qorks of various authors. perfect, now let me
get back to what i was saying. )}) heres an example. nevermind, read the darn book
yourself if you want to know. The Author left his seat in pure anger at the
fictional reader he created, and stormed to make himself a cup of coffee. an
intruder smashed down his door and held a utensil to his eyeball, so close you
could feel the jellious ball of light bounce when he tapped it. “is a spoon round?”
said the intruder. “well, i suppose.” the intruder stepped back, spoon still in
hand. The Author could taste coffee on his eye (this had yet to be proven in
science, but eyes could be used for taste as well as sight, although i dont know
why you’d want to) and said “brazilian, with a hint of peruvian beans”. “what??”
said The Intruder. “oh nothing” said the author, still marveling at the whole
predicament. “why are you in my house?” “why not?” “because its my house.” “did you
not learn that sharing is caring?” “yes, but i never shared my house with you. you
broke my door too. “i didnt break it though”. The Author went to the hallway and
saw that the door was perfectly intact, excpect for the broken glass, which T A was
about to get to before he had a heated argument with you, the Very Real Reader.
“huh, youre right” said T A. “i guess ill have to change that in my story then”
“what?” “well, its not like im not goin to write about this. an intruder in my
house? that doesnt happen every day. i need to remember that you didnt break the
door down, but merely picked the lock.” “you wont remember” “shut up, I will”. T A
didnt remember. “whats the answer to your question? did i get it right?” “of course
not, theyre long and thin, with a small round bit at the end. what led you to think
that it was round?” “i suppose its because when you ask questions like that, you
assume The Questioner is asking you to compare it to similar things. if you asked
wheter an elephant is large or not, my brain doesnt immediatly go to finding the
middle between the size of the universe and a plank length and see if its bigger
than the middle. i think: elephant > tiger, elephant > mouse, elephant > human.
Elepant = probably big” “it is though. elephants are bigger than the average size
of things” “are spoons then rounder than the average
thing?” T I thought about this for a second. “of course not, planets and stars and
nuclei and black holes are way rounder” “hmm” “well, it was nice meeting you, but
you dont meet my criteria” said T I, putting his jacket back on. “wait a second,
this was a test?” “of course. the correct anser is that spoons are not round,
therefore you arent invited to live” “is that your choice to make?” “i wouldve
thought so, that is my job after all”. T A grabbed T I and jumped through the
window, smashing it and getting little glass shards into his coat. “hopefully it
doesnt rip” he said. T I looked down to see they were both falling at a dramstic
rate. “what have you done?? now were both going to die” “I hadnt thought about
that. its still better than just me you would think though”. They continued
plummeting thousands of feet downwards to the surface of the planet. T A took his
laptop out of his bag and started typing. “what are you doing?? you decide to write
your little story now?” “shut up”. This is what i was typing. ‘they both landed in
a hay bale, and very much survived, except T I got fairly bruised’. “oh, come on,
why do i have to be the one that gets hurt!” “fine” ‘they both landed in a SOFT hay
bale, and very much survived, except BOTH OF THEM got fairly bruised’. “no no no!
why dont you make it so neither of us get hurt??” “ah.” ‘they both landed in a SOFT
hay bale, and very much survived, and T A was given a brand new car at the bottom.’
“you know what, thats good enough for me” POOF. HONK HONK. “it worked! oh, i wanted
a blue one though” “ive had enough of you, ill go ask some other people if they can
guess my Question correctly”. T A didnt like T I killing people, so he typed this.
‘but when they fell, The Spoon fell out of T I’s pocket, hit the ground, bent in
such a way that it was exceptionally Unround, and landed back in T I’s pocket.’ the
world was easy again, so T A went back to his office. i found out something
phenomenal. beside my text document it says how big the file is, and currently is
says that my full LoTeEv is 158KB. i thought, wow what a coincidence, thats what i
wouldve guessed was the thousands of characters in my LoTeEv! and then i realised
that IS the number of characters, since one character = one byte. just thought youd
find that interesting. oh and possibly that number is too big since i set it to a
_rich text document_, so i could set the font to calibri. anyways, that does mean
im disturbingly close to the flaming chicken, in fact almost 80% of the way! the
craziest thing about this to me is that it seems like just yesterday that i typed
that i was 70% of the way there. im definitely typing this muchhh faster then i did
at the beginning, and more regularily, so that has to do with it. also, im getting
better at touch typing! im still slighty slower than my normal weird typing but who
cares. this LoTeEv isnt meta enough. except right now, where its the perfect amount
of meta. i reread my LoTeEv again to make it easier to go back to my roots and to
gain more respect for myself. but as i started reading, i realised that the start
of my LoTeEv is physically painful to read. it just… goes so fast. my train of
thought is moving way faster than i can type and it makes for some… interesting
material. i have multiple things that need to be discussed today, and the first
thing is that i havent seemed to get any reader feedback yet. tens of thousands of
words in and not a single email. so the first order of buiness is to plug my email,
which is rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com. perfect. the next thing is to say that
yes i will discuss your respones in this LoTeEv, no matter how vile. secondly, i
probably wont take them into account when writing, because to be honest i dont care
about your opinions unless theyre as good as mine. for example, i would assume that
most poeple would like me to be way less meta in this LoTeEv and to get back tomy
humble beginnings typing ‘non-sensical blubber’. the only way this will happen is
if i someday become highly deprived of sleep or even more severely intoxicated,
which i dont plan on doing at the moment (except the former, which i have noticed
becomes much more interesting when asleep). my study of the populus revealed to me
that people dont care about story arcs anymore, or character development, seeing as
the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is the number one book according to reddit.
this study has led me to withdrawing information to you about Tune, the lovely
humming bird we met earlier, who recently laid an egg named ‘sam’ (another reason i
withheld this is because it seems that sam is named after my Evil and Malevolent
Rival, The Flaming Chicken Person (I do actually respect sam for the progress she
has made in the LTE community ( by literally starting it of course (although not
the world record holder of course)) (i call other peoples LTE’s LTEs, while i call
my LoTeEv LoTeEv. its relly quite simple stop making a fool of yourself). thirdly,
there is a mystery hidden amongst the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook. i recently have
been adding stuff to it and explaining the numbering behind the entries, but back
in the day i was yet To Be Kind (Swans (see! i cant even help myself from helping u
guys know what im talking about!)). and there is one entry i cannot figure out the
numbering to, and you guys are going to need to help me. get your walkie-talkie
again bois, and here we go. the number is: 18o25g02i22. it is the section that
states that i am allowed to type color, not [REDACTED], which is something i quite
am happy with. firstly, i thought that this must be one of those hex-rgb-decimal-
hexadecimalmumbojumbo codes, but i dont know where to verify that. all the numbers
are less than 26 which means it may be a word? lets see… R. O. Y. G. B. I. V. I am
very proud of myself at this moment. i would never be that creative these days!
Huzzah! my numbering systems have gone underwhelming in the past few… months.
fourthly, if i ever do change any part of this loteev, i have to make sure i never
interact with my time-travelling text self, which souldnt be to hard. also, when i
say how many words ive typed, its gonna be wrong, and the noob readers are going to
be suspicious. what do i do??? I dont know. these truly are confusing times, but if
anyone has any ideas, hit me up on the old electronic-mail. ok im done my list now,
dont be waiting for a fifthly. do i need to order my LoTeEv? at some point i would
like to have a section for Meta Things, The Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook, and
Actual Nonsense, but does that ruin the point of the LoTeEv? is it meant to be
unstructured? should i change the start, or should it remain unstructured like what
was proposed by our forefathers? who knows. i think right now it remains a
depiction of who i am as a person, which is fine by me. should i pay homage to sam
for the birth of this wonderful idea? i think so; heres a poem depicting The
Flaming Chicken Flocker of the East: oh wonderful chicken (flocker) of the east
(stalker) followed me to my office building to plagiarise what i was writing 15
YEARS before i did (walker) walked around to the traffic sound, got ran over by a
reindeer (declare var = sadness, talker) just in time for the holiday season 15
YEARS ago, that is why im talking about it now (hahaha) hahaha (hahaha) the END. i
hope i dont get arrested for treason, and if i do, someone needs to tell her i
meant only good will towards men, and to all a good night. where were we? the fact
that you reader, have infact read more of this than i will ever care to? yes. yes.
yyes. yse. ok i think ive written enough for today, go enjoy your cuppas and
muggas, ive gotta go to portugal. C U. im back, and havent left for portugal yet.
theres these new kids around the block called scenecore and teencore emo peeps or
something like that and they are the old ways of the internet. they seem very much
like ‘top 5 friends’ and neopets people. they really like black… and rainbows… and
nothing in between. they say things like XD and :3 and RAWR. they are my kind of
people. i now know what ive been missing in my life. when reading things from the
2000’s internet you get an instant sense of amazement. everyone on the internet
back then seemed to be absolute legends. i am envious of the people who got to live
in these times. maybe ill try to say a little UwU and Rawr here and there to bring
these wonderful breed of emos back. apparently this decade is going to be the
Rawring Twenties, but well see. you, reader, may already know. if so, shoot me a dm
and tell me what the future is like. ill be waiting. what if one day i run out of
topics and i never type anything ever again?? what if theres never a beautiful
reign of topicsnow on these lands, wouldnt that be an absolute tragedy?? i dont
know how i come up with topics anymore, i just type what im thinking. pink ladies
are the best apples dont @ me. or do, i would like your feedback on better apples
plz. im just gonna do some LTE research real quickt talk soon cutie 😛 im back
again, and have not yet been to portugal, this is how boring my life is. jokes on
you though, youre the one reading this. the problem with the with the world is that
people are always ‘what does the LoTeEv say in it’ rather than ‘how is the LoTeEv
feeling’ (btw guys this is a little of my tiredness test to see if i write better
when im tired, cos it is 12:08 (very nice numbers, all powers of 2)). i realised
that this LoTeEv is perfect for a hermity internetless life! i only have three
options for albums to listen to offline, which are Dark Side of the Moon, Mirrored,
and Trout Mask Replica. lets see if trout mask replica can make me write better. I
cAnNoT gO bAcK tO yOuR fRoWnLaNd. I loove this album. yes, love with 2 os.i said it
(alomst as goo as potatOS ahaha) Section 1q2w3e of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook
staetsetsets
stthat i can declare tirednesss supremacy whic lets my type whtevr. i declare
tiredness supremacy. and a lipstick kleenex. and my girl named ‘bimbo’. im starting
to despise everything. how did humans get made to enjoy thi album? in a perfect
world this album would suck. but its so good. im getting extreme pain at this point
from loooking t pixels, im starting to think ill eventually count the hours im not
on screens in my day instead of how many on screens. especially since threre a
monitor in my matress goodnight. ok so im back from portugal! even though theres
some fascinating things going on in my life since i went i know you dont want to
hear about that so i can talk about other tings. i mean if my future self is
reading this then you probably do want to hear what i have to say, and all ill say
is Carol, which is a name that will either bring pain or joy, and only you know
which one it is. i hope u guys realise that this LoTeEv is NOT my priority anymore.
i remember typing a long time ago that i make time for this LoTeEv, but now im only
doing it because my laptop isnt charged mand i want to play minecraft. also, my
hands are freeeezing so im typing really slowly. the light through the curtain
outside looks like the flag of new mexico, and i learned paranoid android on the
guitar. not much has gone on guys. should i talk about my life? lets review the
facts: if you have read this far into the LoTeEv (on the wordcounter website it
says that it should only have taken 2 hours which is an abomination) then you
probably care either A: care about my as a Writer and Human Being, or B: have no
life. in the interest of not wanting people to die, i will therefore talk about my
life as well. maybe the best thing about this LoTeEv is that when i die young (idk
why i just assume that i will) people who care about me might want to read this?
idk why because it might make them sad. maybe they’ll just delete this and they’ll
never even realise it ever existed. what a shame that would be, although i do
believe that my website will stay up for some time to come, at least until wix or
wordpress whatever site i used runs out of money and cant afford its servers, which
is how i assume this all works. do you know what ive been dying to do? visit
another dimension again. im going to pop over and read my manual quick but ill be
back. i… lost the documentation it seems. its fine… i just assume i grab my
DiMenTio-Meter and pop over the the 5th :::shoop::: well that was easy. ok… im
gonna go to slice… 1 and start a new blank slate. this ones gonna be about pop
tarts. theres some stuff in here that gets kinda… personal, but whateverrr. k ill
start writing the code. —–{ I have enough money to live a simple life in a small
suburban town with a pet dalmatian named spot and a half hour commute to my office
job whee i convince people to but Tarts that they don’t even want and i try to
convince them but i know they’re lying to me because the orders never go through
and the boss is going to fire me if i cant sell any more and I’m going to live on
the streets and my dog is going to go to the pound and i will have a Tart styrofoam
sign with ‘i need money’ written on it with Tart pencils and the street that i live
on won’t even be reall ill be sitting on a 16-pack asphalt Tart box and pretending
to be on a street when really I’m just in a simulation and up above in the sky i
can see the people watching me and grading how bad i did at my life because i
didn’t dell enough Tarts and my simulation will stop running because i didn’t sell
enough Tarts and who knows where i go after that but maybe I’ll just start my same
life again and i will work at the same Tart factory and have the same shitty job
and i will try to convince you to buy some just for me but you won’t and I’ll start
crying again because i know I’m just in an endless loop wth no way to escape…
Unless… Right now you buy the dead caterpillar Tarts that i made on the ‘streets’
in my past last, then maybe the boss will give me a raise and my coworkers will
respect me, even Murphy Murphy even though he invented the Oreo Tart and everyone
loved it and he single-handedly made enough money for our company to go global, and
with a tear in his eye and a twinkle in his teeth he will say ‘son… I respect you.
Against all odds the Dead Caterpillar Tart prevailed. And for that, i owe you my
utmost respect. To Bread watermelonrabbitwatermelon too, for believing in you when
no-one else could’. He’ll buy a round of drink for the office and everyone will
clap and then obama will come and shake my hand and he’ll give a speech at my
school telling everyone that yes, you went to school with the Creator Of Greatness
In The Tart Industry, and they will all look up to me with gleaming eyes, expecting
autographs and posters, but instead getting the cold shoulder from me. Why would i
disrespect my fans? They don’t want me for who i am. They want me so they can tell
their friends that they indeed met The Bug Man. They want to sell their autographs
on Craigslist for an hours wage to afford the paper my posters were printed on. So
as i walked onto the stage, obama and i will do our secret handshake and i will say
kids: if there’s one thing you can learn from my story, it’s to never give up, no
matter how much it seems like you should. In the end, some helpless soul will help
you escape your loop, and you will eventually find an even better one. Thank you.
There will not be applause or laughter this time sadly. Not a single peeps will
echo through the halls. Just… Silence. After minutes of this, i will hear the
sobbing of a classmate in the corner, complaining that he was never given free
Ketamine Tarts as i promised. ‘You can’t expect me to be honest Michael’ i will
yell. ‘or to be faithful every day to the end. But know this. I will always be a
friend.’ I’ll look down at my wrist and spin the worn out Best Friends Forever
bracelet he gave me 10 Years Ago on that very day. He’ll look up at me and say
‘you’re right. I just have one thing to say: i was right’ I’ll wonder what he
means, until he pulls out his CRAYON FLAVOURED TARTS. He invented them!! Long
before i ever thought the idea could even have a chance of existing. Then I’ll
remember… Bread asked for crayon Tarts. I was wrong. If i just listened to him and
made them i would’ve escaped the loop years prior. But alas, i was too selfish to
understand him. I’ll bring him up on stage, make a speech about how lucky i am to
be his friend afterwards, i started a new speech. The crowd was silent with
anticipation. Here i go i thought, they need to know my story: I have enough money
to live a simple life in a small suburban towwww…… * the end * —–} that seems good
yes. youre wondering who watermelonrabbitwatermelon is? just an old friend 😉 not a
fri-end, a real friend i promise. i know i know, you arent supposed to say that you
have friends on the internet, because the new cool hip funny thing is to be
depressed and sad and lonely, but im going against the norm. i need to rant for a
bit about people who hate on other people. im the only one allowed to do that! and
do you know who im going to hate on? those people! they are soooo annoying!
apparently liking popular things is the worrrst thing in the world because it makes
you a normie and im lit woke against people who are like this. i listen to dark
side of the moon, i play minecraft and portal, im a simple man. if something is
very popular ill give it a whirl, because if a lot of people think its good it
probably is. but there always has to be that one kid on the street whos like ‘hey
mista! why you go be doing liking all them fancy gizmo crap popular thingys!’ and
do you know what i have to say to that kid? i want to punch him in the face! i dont
care that lil’ Efil over here got a private school education and a trust fund. ill
go to jail just to see the look on his face as i grab my Slingy 3000 Shot and
launch a lemon right into his nose! he’ll fall flat on the ground and scream ‘hey
mista! youre the cool one and i just never understood! im sorry for being mean to
you all these years mista!’ but i wont care, ill just strut right past him with a
gleam in my eye. my laptop is 3 minutes to full charge and its got me thinking:
what is a better use of my time? writing this or playing minecraft? they both seem
inheritly useless at the beginning because they are, but i dont know which one is
better. when im older id like to explore my world just as much as the next chap,
but also i mighhhht like to read this as well. anyways, ill talk to you later, i
have a call with someone important right now 😉 (just kidding, i keep asking her if
she wants to call and she says she does, but i dont want to pressure her, u know?)
also i realised that ive been texting way more than typing this recently so im
using texting language occasionally. but who cares! in section 83 of the Rainbow
FluffySheep Handbook it STATES that i allow use text and bad vocab for type. also,
i called it 83 because it kinda looks like a guys making a cat face while wearing
sunglasses, its the only thing i could do with my numbering scheme, ya know? ive
typed 8,000 characters today, which i think is more than sufficient. see ya!
nevermind. why are the cheesy-salty-tiny crackers so good? why do chefs try to make
fancy food for their whole lives when man and cheese is perfect? i fear that i will
never understand the answers to these simple questions. why is having a
relationship so complicated? why are people so mean? why do they include green in
4-color pens when everyone would way rather have an extra black? im having an
existential crisis here guys. why do i type this? like actually? what is the point?
to make the 3 readers i have happy? well i hope u guys are. im ok, thanks for
asking. i got a globe puzzle for christmas, made up of real puzzle pieces instead
of
plastic. should i feel happy about that or sad? i cant figure it out to be honest.
i am going to fail the leaving cert because i cant remember anything important yet.
im useless in irish as well. it didnt even snow for christmas! what kind of
treachery is this! in the terms and conditions the snow was promised, but i guessss
it never said where. if i keep up this 2 thousand words a day ill be rich in no
time! imma go check if the LTE guy updated his website to accomadate my new words.
Nope. He did not. im back from another trip and i dont have alot to say. except for
one incrivel thing. im part of a cult! an internet cult, dont worry. there seems to
be thousands of people around the world obsessed with a stuffed shark called Blahaj
purchaseable fro well known swedish comglomerancy, IKEA. and guess what i did
folks, yes. i got one. some may call it a way of money, some may think i just want
to CONSOOM. but heres the thing. this shark is amazing. its 100cm long, and can be
put anywhere in various poses for the internet, so maybe now youll apporove. i dont
buy things often but when i do, its an amazing idea. so there you go. writing this
loteev has given me immense respect for Sam. i have put so much effort into writing
this, and i thought id be able to beat her in no time, but alas, its been… a year i
think? or 2? i cant remember. a while. and now that it is new years eve, i do
believe that it is time for a celebration of the LoTeEv. another year with it is
better than one without. so heres some stats on it. ‘This’ word is the 33,383rd. i
have typed 180,000 characters, or 1,684 sentences. which ones are the best? vote in
the Official Poll For The LoTeEv Which Doesnt Exist! and guess what guys, guess how
many paragraphs are in this. you guessed it, 1. one paragraph. not only might i
have the LoTeEv, but possibly also the LoPaEv. the reading level for this is 9-10th
grade, which i take as a compliment. i never try to type to the extremest of my
englishing skkillz, so the kiddos reading will UndersTand my x-treem grammar 2. the
reading time for this is 2 hours. that seems pretty legit, but i want it to take
someones whole life. i want 80 years of reading time so someone can really indulge
in my.. Fluffiness. my most types words are ‘j u s t’ and ‘l i k e’. i dont want to
add to that number, because theyre both almost at 200 times!! i do NOT remember
typing ‘l i k e’ that many times, similar to a californian teenager. heres what
imma do, check the difference in stats comparaing my first and second half of the
LoTeEv. as i guessed, J U S T and L I K E make up 6% in the first half, but only 4%
in the second half. good or bad? leave your answer in the comments below! the
keywords for the second half seem to be CONVINCE BOB JOE and TROUT MASK REPLICA,
which i cant really complain about. ‘of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES
that’ and ‘of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it SAYS that’ are my main 8 word
repetitions, eacch occuring 4 times each which seems resonable. the fact that there
are MORE repeating 8 word sentences is scary to me, so lets check em out.
DISCLAIMER: i havent used copy paste so im sooo confused how these exist. well
thats disappointing. its because i SCAMMED YALL. i accidentally added about 200
words to my LoTeEv TWICE so i legit scammed yall from reading this. ughhhhhhh im so
so so so sorry guys. i did it twice. somehow i explained Inception with Kitty
Nibbles twice, and i hope you are disappointed in me, i was probably tired from
MEETING ALL OF MY COOL FRIENDS. ok, now we can see what ive actually typed more
than once! the first one is ”they both landed in a soft hay bale’ which, rereading,
was quite an… interesting story. i forgot that happened to me, good this i keep
this diary. anyways, that is… 8 words long! yippee for me! (its not exciting cos i
only repeated it once and it was right after the other one and i repeated it for a
reason and yeah its just -NOTINTTERESTING- but whatevrrr ill keep going ok so imma
sum these all up for ya. theyre all either IN SECTION X OF THE FLUFFY FOOT NOTES (i
just realised footnote is the opposite of handbook, i hope i blew your mind as much
as i blew mine :O) and the rest are when i did weird lists and things, so the next
one is when i was writing an interesting theory about the correct marketry and
distribution of a plant based cereal item, and thus the correct method to extract
maximum moolah from said cereal distribution, sadly inventing Shrinkflation and
thus making literally ever consoomer sad :(. anyways, im going to be back when i
have an actually INTERESTING one. ok firstly, this is verrry interesting, although
this LoTeEv is 33,000 words long, i have only typed 5,000 unique words. is this
creation of the english vocabulary an indirect consequence of the action of
typography as a whole, or the distinct ablility yours truly possesses whereby he
pens unparallled prose unused by past authors, lest they become unemployed or
exempt their publishing editor from the skillage of correcting said typerrors
contained within their novella? i really want to use more interesting language now
knowing that The Big Texty Corp. is watching my every english. is that a normal
ratio of unique words to commonplace bland ones? i dont know how to check. once i
get to the length of Sam’s i will surely compare our if i remember, in every which
catergory i can. some of my uniquely used words at the bottom of the list include
”bowawawoh”, ‘gaffigan’, ‘neopets, ‘epicredditfan7515’, ‘catamaran’ and ‘oe’r’. if
you remember when i wrote those, props to you! ill see what i can remember…
bowawawoh is from the hawaiian music in an ad i did… gaffigan said a number of
exquisite remarks on the toxicity and calienteness of cow udder excretions,
neopets… ive only written about neopets once!! thats a shame! actually ive been
reading this list wrong and its just 5000 randomly ordered words ive written. -_-.
nevermind! anyways, i want to rant about neopetss and myspaceee and how i wish i
was here for the era of HTMLing websites and having a top 5 best friends list and
lots of rainbows and bright colors and UwU’s and Rawr XD’s. sadly my generation is
much worse than the last, just like everyone before. i remember epicredditfan7515
was me trying to make a random username generator, and i do hereby believe that i
made that before uncovering the joys of said website reddit, and realising how
weird the internet is, and realising that my LoTeEv might be the most normal, tame
and simple thing on it. seriously, what are Surreal Memes? i spent hourss on there
an i have no idea still. catamaran was me typing words by using the start of words
to lengthenout the words. and oe’r mustve been OE’R THE RAINBOWWW which is a phrase
less used these days and its really quite underappreciated as a mean to make
everyone around you annoying and get instant cadavering headaches. this list is
VERY interesting, if i get any 3 words from it i can start my own story if i ever
run short on ideas. for example ‘toe toy famous’, ‘clips anne dying’ and ‘wee
monkey soccer’ (i do quite like that last one). some of these words are very
confusing and make no sense, which i can only assume are typos. like what is
‘tortuos’??? it kinda sounds like tortuous but lets see the use in a sentence. ‘Now
I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties
breathe?’. gosh. im not even going to bother, i have literally no idea. there also
seems to be a verrrry long words about shoes and felines that i cant quite
decipher. i think im done with all these stats and things cos i wanna go celebrate
new years. see ya! hey! teacher! leave them kids alone! im back! it is now 2020.
so, this is the new year, and i dont feel any different. something feels wrong.
normally i can just keeping typing this and go on forever but my creative juices
are inherintely of miniscule viscosity atm. im gonna try using blender to make some
fascinating collisable neopets, ill be back. just kidding! i dont have internet.
hence le typing my LoTeEv has arrived. i feel the strong urge to just type song
lyrics but that’d be too easy, thats not the high quality content you came here
for! heres a nice story about my new band, BLOT. i dunno if thats already a band
name because I DONT HAVE INTERNET, but i just invented it now. every one of our
songs is just white noise generated by getting reallllly small number details about
a shelf of lava lamps deep underground. every one of our songs will sound comeplety
different, yet completely similar. maybe for one of our future albums we can have
someone randomly sing ‘Ooh Baby’ 9999 songs in and noone will catch it because
noone listens to our band. sounds awfully similar to this actually. do i write
wbetter when im tired? no. no. i dunnot. ill type the first words i see: pineapple,
annexe, and parked. interesting. i just realised that this is just a huge rough
draft for nothing, and that bike are just acoustic motorcycles. the alien was
playing golf with his friend, but he didnt realise that the golf ball was a marble
and his friend was a marble and he was a marble and hes playing marbles and the
marbles are atoms and hes just a sentient atom trying to make sense of the world
and he starts crying because hell be forever alone and his friend is no different
than the golf ball. ooooooo. what rows are the most like words? qaz. wsx. edc. rfv.
tgb. yhn. ujm. ik. ol. p. none of them really. why are they ordered like that?
probably jamming of le writertypees or something. sometimes i wish that i started
this earlier, but then i realise that it wouldve sucked like it already does. is
the start better or the end? such as the ape of musicians play the songo bongo that
represents the creative process, so The Author of the LoTeEv tyoes in a meta font.
calibri in fact, cos i cant seem to change the font i think, but ya
know what, calibri aint half bad. nevermind, i can change it. remember how much i
loved roboto, WELL THEY DONT HAVE IT ON WORDPAD AND I REFUSE TO SWITCH TO A NEW
NOTEPAD BECAUSE I AM LOyal ( honestly though, wordpad is simple but sucky, but i
dont have internet so i cant switch). i will try different fonts now. i actually
loooooove Segoe UI, because its so esay and fun for the whole family and pets and
cats and g=doggos, and doges and black holes and stars and the third rock from the
mooon. if g=doggos, then 0=dogos, then o(POWER)2dgs=0. i hate evertything because
wleeping is such a waste of time. but typing this makes me feel accomplished for
some reason. maybe because i hate putting any effort into anything, cause i could
never srite a book or anyhing because keeping a main character and stuff sounds
like a lot of work honestly. and plots and stuff? maybe cos im tired, because tune
still loves me, right? chirpitty cirpt? anyways, i gotta get some beddy bye sleep
tightyness . yete/ yeet/ yeet. im literally anne frank in my writing diary
capabilities. now THAT is a good way to start this so far. im back by the way. im
either gonna —> die early, in which case ill be dead so i wont care B-) or ill be
an old man whos barely remembered english reading this with a tear in my eye,
‘suddenly you find, ten years had got behind you, noone told you when to run, you
missed the starting gun’. thats a nice quote and all, but what if i dont want to
run? who says i need to be an ever improving ever growing person?? cant i just be
happy with the way i am and be done? apparently not. is this what people want? im
satisfied with my life right now. i should have really taken the time to add lots
of cool faces to this LoTeEv while im at it. since this is a text-based art medium,
i can only express my thousand-words with this —> 🙂 <— pretty cool aint it? wait,
if i wanted to write 33000 words i just had to do 33 of those?? who wouldve thunk
it. i mean, i wouldve assumed that the resolution and interestingness of the image
has to do with the number of words said image is worth. did you know? going on
random tangents on wikipedia is life. i will do that now, byeeeee. theres nothing
quite like messaging random people on the internet. you might make a friend, you
might get bullied, you might learn the ins and outs of someones social life that
you really have no business in knowing. but most of all, youll become a better
person. youll learn from other peoples mistakes and failures, you’ll hate everyone
on the internet, but mostly tumblr, for doing realllly weird things, and youll
experience cultures you wouldnt have previously been able to experience. that said,
that internet is crazzzy. [_,_,_] well. its been a while. maybe a month or two?
lets start this by saying if youre reading this, good for you. you made it. this is
gonna be pathetic and self indulgent so dont get ur hopes up. y last rant about
automation was hopefuly inspiring, but this may not be. better to get my thoughts
out there then… not. will this make it into the loteev? maybe. not the public one.
maybe later, but not by my will. well, if youre reading this then good news, either
u did it or it was spread. goals. well i want to start off with the whole blah blah
blah universe conciousness earth humans meat life stuff, which i will from now on
call 000000. simple right? well the thing is [emotions rant death] [000001] and
this is everyone isnt it? so [why] [000002] 2? 2? 2? at least this will be
finished, we really have evreything. dimensions, stories, music, adventures. but
how much do we really need? also did this end too abuptly? Too expectedly? well.
then we wont end it just yet will we. this loteev had high expectation themplaced.
but they were unfounded, and i knew it from the beginning. why does it not seem
like i knew it? well 1. hiding 2. i was better but flashes still happened. now lets
answer a few more quuestions! maybe by year! maybe this should be the start of the
loteev, open it with bang. the rest will be a lil more eerie and spoopy then. lets
start with thee first question. 2? stage one: people, life ahead, pets, blah blah
blah stage two (for now) person, brain, game. game isnt sturdy (well for now its
unchanging, copyable and infinite but my brain isnt which was proved with previous
life giving games ( dependence plus apathy = uwu not good)). person = perfect –
imperfections, (imperfections include not caring) or badly protraying it. also
include.. extroversion, not being perfect) and now reading back through the loteev
this has become wayyyy more obvious hasnt it… ill probably add some quotes here
(which do not add to the quoting quota) from it where it was fairly obvious.
firstly, i dont know if i will ever talk to person again (but assuming 1 timeline
yes). whats the point, ive made myself look weak, and if i didnt i wouldve been
worse off, a liar and a useless friendship. this person seems to have the same
problems as me, but that sure doesnt mean theyre gonna help! why should they care
about my feelings! apparently theres no meaning in life, not even fabricated, so
when asked their dependencies (when [guess who?] asked their dependencies) not even
given a second thought is nice. how much more could i rant about? maybe this person
is perfect as someone will get for me. bad case? yes. im gonna choose the positive
outcome, so they arent perfect. great. what do i have left. my brain. it works, it
calculates, it confuses, it tries. all around it does a pretty good job, except it
makes this seem like a good thing. with the lack of heat in here, maybe a warm
blanket will help? but lets just say its pretty heavy 🙂 second question: will they
find this? yes. i will try to make it obvious, as mitski said, worth my quote
quota, “I always wanted to die clean and pretty, but I’d be too busy on working
days, so I am relieved that the turbulence wasn’t forecasted, I couldn’t have
changed anyways, I am relieved that I’d left my room tidy, Goodbye”. if you were
wondering, yes that is how im going to end this loteev, if i can last long enough
and plan it well enough, hopefully it doesnt happen by accident. clean and pretty.
my brain is this loteev. thats what i have. my thoughts, ideas, stories. nothing
that someone else here couldnt replace. everything has its curve, its peak. this
too will end, sooner than me. hopefully i fulfill everything by then. hopefully i
remember it all. but lets just say this thing is not an easy read. its an easy
write. essentially just ctrlcctrlv into the page. but lets not get carried away. i
can think of other reasons correct? some people would be sad, many more would
pretend, some would use it as a way to get sympathy, thats okay. they are the ones
who need it. its fine though, i know they wouldnt accept me if i told them the
truth, which im sure isnt true fo most people. i thought i found another brick,
another foundation, but it was cracked as always. person wise? probably the 300th.
looks like a big number right? even if the bricks do get crushed, surely the dust
is enough to hold it up? no. being the backround charcter doesnt give nearly the
mass you would think. can i name someone whos a bak=ckground character in my life?
of couse. but im always further back on their list. except for one, but she doesnt
understand. really anything that could help. maybe shes trying, but its not going
to work. i have lots who seem to be at the centers, and theyre happy. coincidence?
doesnt matter. just a lil fact i thought id share. i used to be first, maybe a
relationship will help. no.- [000003]. still second, or third, or fourth, or an
object, or a goal, or a right, or a hurdle, or a nothing at all. its kinda a win
win isnt it? either i have no bricks [000004]. and thus 3one to really care, or i
have some 4 which means its worth it right? just to clarify, having 4s at the
goodbye [000005]. doesnt help. it makes it much worse. not for me. so does it make
it worse? theyre just inputs. it does. emotions are controllable. but. it would be
so easy. -4 would make it so easy. i shouldnt evem think about it. it would just..
end. and some people would hear, id be a statistic. easy, no mess, clean and
pretty. lower the stat ratios for next year, make themm feel like theyre
accomplishing something amazing. make them feel better about themselves! for being
righteous! good for them, theyre the ones who need it. im going to stay at this
page, because if i leave it wont end well. maybe some 4 game will help. well see,
until then. [_,_,_] Good words = Cyclic – Autometalogolex – Tumultuous – Spudger –
Zephyr I have enough money to live a simple life in a small suburban town with a
pet dalmatsnaccs, med spot and a half hour commute to my office job whee i convince
people to but Tarts that they don’t even want and i try to convince them but i know
they’re lying to me because the orders never go through and the boss is going to
fire me if i cant sell any more and I’m going to live on the streets and my dog is
going to go to the pound and i will have a Tart styrofoam sign with ‘i need money’
written on it with Tart pencils and the street that i live on won’t even be reall
ill be sitting on a 16-pack asphalt Tart box and pretending to be on a street when
really I’m just in a simulation and up above in the sky i can see the people
watching me and grading how bad i did at my life because i didn’t dell enough Tarts
and my simulation will stop running because i didn’t sell enough Tarts and who
knows where i go after that but maybe I’ll just start my same life again and i will
work at the same Tart factory and have the same shitty job and i will try to
convince you to buy some just for me but you won’t and I’ll start crying again
because i know I’m just in an endless loop wth no way to escape… Unless… Right now
you buy the dead caterpillar Tarts that i made on the ‘streets’
in my past last, then maybe the boss will give me a raise and my coworkers will
respect me, even Murphy Murphy even though he invented the Oreo Tart and everyone
loved it and he single-handedly made enough money for our company to go global, and
with a tear in his eye and a twinkle in his teeth he will say ‘son… I respect you.
Against all odds the Dead Caterpillar Tart prevailed. And for that, i owe you my
utmost respect. To Bread watermelonrabbitwatermelon too, for believing in you when
no-one else could’. He’ll buy a round of drink for the office and everyone will
clap and then obama will come and shake my hand and he’ll give a speech at my
school telling everyone that yes, you went to school with the Creator Of Greatness
In The Tart Industry, and they will all look up to me with gleaming eyes, expecting
autographs and posters, but instead getting the cold shoulder from me. Why would i
disrespect my fans? They don’t want me for who i am. They want me so they can tell
their friends that they indeed met The Bug Man. They want to sell their autographs
on Craigslist for an hours wage to afford the paper my posters were printed on. So
as i walked onto the stage, obama and i will do our secret handshake and i will say
kids: if there’s one thing you can learn from my story, it’s to never give up, no
matter how much it seems like you should. In the end, some helpless soul will help
you escape your loop, and you will eventually find an even better one. Thank you.
There will not be applause or laughter this time sadly. Not a single peeps will
echo through the halls. Just… Silence. After minutes of this, i will hear the
sobbing of a classmate in the corner, complaining that he was never given free
Ketamine Tarts as i promised. ‘You can’t expect me to be honest Michael’ i will
yell. ‘or to be faithful every day to the end. But know this. I will always be a
friend.’ I’ll look down at my wrist and spin the worn out Best Friends Forever
bracelet he gave me 10 Years Ago on that very day. He’ll look up at me and say
‘you’re right. I just have one thing to say: i was right’ I’ll wonder what he
means, until he pulls out his CRAYON FLAVOURED TARTS. He invented them!! Long
before i ever thought the idea could even have a chance of existing. Then I’ll
remember… Bread asked for crayon Tarts. I was wrong. If i just listened to him and
made them i would’ve escaped the loop years prior. But alas, i was too selfish to
understand him. I’ll bring him up on stage, make a speech about how lucky i am to
be his friend afterwards, i started a new speech. The crowd was silent with
anticipation. Here i go i thought, they need to know my story: I have enough money
to live a simple life in a small suburban towwww…… * the end * IDEAS FOR A UTOPIA:
running and dragging someone to a field of flowers where you have candles and
picnics and ukuleles and guitars and all your frens. Inter-railing around Europe.
Different country every few days. Falling asleep on friends chests on trains.
Nothing but rugsacks and maybe an instrument case or two. “OH NO I LEFT MY
FAVOURITE TOOTHBRUSH IN PARIS” “You have any oranges from Spain left? I’ll trade
you with my Belgium Chocolate” Taking aesthetic photos on polaroid cameras, but
mostly dumbass ones. “I’m making a sandwich, going asleep and hopefully waking up
somewhere in Poland”. Watching movies under blankets at 2 a.m. Attempting to put
fairly lights around hostel beds and failing miserably. Scribbled notebooks in
teeline of what we’re gonna to tommorow, then going completely off plan because an
old fisherman told us the village legend. Pins on jackets from each country. Live
in house/apartment with hella frens in cool city where we can get up to wacky
adventures and we can have doges and rats and sneks and whatever cool stuffs and we
can all make arts and musiccs and all that lit stuff and just vibe and rewatch old
crappy tv shows from Nickelodeon and Disney channel and life is like a sitcom but
queer and with way too much swearing. And every night we’ll have an ace party,
which consists of watching gay tv shows, petting our pets, eating snaccs and
watching the rain outside with blankets and fairy lights I’m 100% onboard to
starting with just us 2, using secret code cult pamphlets and recruiting more wacky
frens to live with us until we have like… 7 really good friends like us, Also we
can just vibe to heccin good music, I’m listening to comfortably numb rn and I feel
like that’s the vibe of our hypotheyical apartment, And one of us is cooking in the
kitchen, 3 of us decide to go for an adventure in the dark and rainy night to see
how long we last, we are laughing the whole time and come back soaking, all putting
on dry clothes and sitting by the fire, then cuddling while someone plays the
ukulele for us, First of all yesh I volunteer to be that person. Second we need at
least one mother of the group to cook and third Judas escargot, who gave u the
right to get into my idea of utupia, Honestly I’m imagining even just 4 of us in
the apartment, we both have cute girlfriends, but all 4 of us get along really well
and sometimes ill hang out with ur girlfriend and sometimes you’ll hang out with
mine, we’re all really good friends, we all can just cuddle together and vibe,
Listen to pink floyd while literally doing nothing expect getting all the blankets
from out beds and making a big pile to cuddle on in front of the window at 1am
while it’s stormy, chatting about the plans we have tomorrow where we’re gonna go
see the new bookshop that opened, and we’re all gonna pick out one book that we
really like and after a week we tell eachother what we thought, then after the
bookshop were gonna go get some coffee at a smol local cafe, and then walk around
the city holding hands and just stopping whereever we want! Sometimes we’ll all
pack into the car and drive into the night, all picking songs to listen to,
stopping at corner stores we see randomly to get snaccs, Well have worms on strings
stapled to the wall like a frickin cult, we’ll all inhale tea and cuddle to keep
warm cos we can’t afford heat, we’ll have blankets on the frickin couch and the
living room floor will literally be a POOFY MATRESS WITH LOL CUSHIONS AND BOOKS
SCATTERED ALL OVER IT. ill add more someday probably, but u readers are probably
already getting sad vibes. Hmm to me Late Afternoon Drifting feels like paper
cycling through gears and there’s scratchy kinda velcro? On the back of the page.
HEY GUYSSSSSSSSSSSS its ur boi becky the beck and hes back with anotherrrrrrr
story! tune in later for wacky events! also. we. passed. 200,000 characters. were
almost at 40,000 words! byfwugbfgakhmkhiehn.. .. .. welcome/hall/ doors/ ahhh not
here again. i mean awhat else have we not visited amirite? okay so wireless mice
should be called hamsters, fight me. tumblr posts are great inspration, lets go.
((())) well. everything that happens is peachy. lets continue from where we once
did. so pretty much what is the correct fashion choice? Imo its a plague doctor
head with a crow on the shoulder, a cape, and a feather coming out of ur head like
a friccin baller. gold chain around the neck, hiking boots, miniskirt, and crop
top. I know i say this all the time, but its a neew era for the LoTeEv. Why is
this? because. It has been confirmed that there are actual readers. of the LoTeEv.
yes, i know what you’re thinking. why am i using punctuation? because i want to,
thats why. i will talk about The Readers after a short message from our sponsor,
The Book That Im Currently Writing. have a read :). Prologue: Hello reader! This
won’t be a great book. Who knows, it might not even be a good book. If you’re
looking for an objectively perfect book, this might be the book for you. Not
because it is the best book ever written, but because it is one of the best; Just
like every other book in the universe (not just on Earth of course, that would be
limiting the number vastly). It’s just that somewhere down the line of best to
worst, this book is there. Around the middle. What lies at the top? Who cares! It
won’t matter to us bots, probably some near-infinity length code for a computer
that solves The Answer. Maybe nothing. Well we know nothing is either at the start
or the end, but I’m too tired to walk that far to check. To humans, there is no
constantly, invariable perfect book. It’s an ever-swaying line, separating the
mediocre from the more mediocre. We, my friends, are on one of those sides, in
between some (poem? Note? I’m not really sure) called “The Great Gatsby” and
“Shopping List for The End” which I’m sure is a lovely story. Here’s the thing.
Everything in the universe is divided by lines, and everything is on one side of
those lines, separating the boring, predictable, and altogether uninteresting, and
the brilliant. Once we decide that a side or a point is too boring or archaic or
banal, then that line gets deleted, along with everything in it. As you know, this
book won’t be great. Therefore, as an unbiased author, this book had better be at
least great flavoured. We don’t want to end up on The Other Side. ___1___ She kept
typing the same five numbers into the variable box. The same five things happened
every time. Firstly the creatures would 1. Pop into existence like popcorn from a
non-existent kernel, 2. Pop out of existence like said kernel, and 3+4+5, the
screen would turn blank as it reflected the 3 small tears that filled her angst-
ridden face. Great she thought, why couldn’t this universe have been on the other
side. She sat up and looked around at her office. Or, looked through her office
rather. Light waves barely bounced off the glass walls, floor and ceiling before
travelling through the air at immense speeds and entering her corneas. The FLIP (an
anagram only revealed to the highest of executives in a fever dream they once had
to conceive of the FLIP) was a company
like any other on This Side, owned by a bored rich person who has nothing more to
do in life than create problems for themselves to solve, with slave-like robots
incapable of being bored, happy or unproductive. I would make the argument that the
robots are the ones really solving the problem, and not the bored rich fellow who
commissioned all of this, but maybe that is my biased perspective. What about the
offices? An infinite 2d grid of glass cubes stretched to the horizon, but to no
end. Each compartment was a few meters tall, long and wide, each making a perfect
cube, each making a perfect cubicle for one robot each. Apparently an open space
area is supposed to make the robots work faster, without all the bumping into
things and such, but He couldn’t risk an uprising, so these compartments had to do.
You see the robots could all technically interact with each other by various means,
such as sign language, music, games even. Everyone should be able to get along, He
thought. They didn’t have a reason not to, right?___2___To spare the suspense for
you, they did have a reason not to. Well, 1 of them in particular. Well not
necessarily only one, but you get the idea. 1 and 2 are such similar numbers, it’s
a bother even having to clarify between them at all. 1, 2, 1^2, 2^1, 2~, they’re
all the same really. Only big numbers make a big difference in my opinion. Anyways
who is this mysterious person? This one girl, I’ll be calling her This One Girl, is
a prototype robot who was given a personality invented by one of the Others. Yeah I
know, giving bots human personalities seems like a bad idea, especially one created
on The Other Side. Just because they’re on the Other Side doesn’t mean they don’t
sometimes produce good work. But, of course, she didn’t. She was bored. Really
bored. She had popped into existence corn-wise only a few moments ago, and she was
already bored. Tragic really. What was the benefit of these personalities you ask?
Creativity, they said. New Ways of Thinking, they said. Fun to Talk To, they said.
All lies as far as I can tell. Well, if honest we don’t know for sure that she’s
not fun to talk to because of the sound proof walls (they lied about the music),
but the tears and occasional slamming head onto screen just to feel something
didn’t look inviting. Not that I’d want to talk to anyone anyway. Im just a dumb
robot, I have a job to do. Oh yes… What was that again? Oh yeah, telling you about
human personalities. There must be an actual reason for these personalities, rather
than these strange marketing terms I keep hearing. But who am I to tell? I’m just a
slave. And that’s what I’m good at, taking orders, not sharing my own ideas. That’s
also what I was told.___3___Maybe I haven’t introduced myself. I’m “warning:
strange behavior”. Or at least that’s my best guess, it’s the only name tag i could
find, and it’s also the difference that I could tell between me and all the other
guys. It’s so stupid. I don’t know what makes me strange, and not everyone else. If
anything they’re the ones with one-dimensional eccentric-but-in-an-unfathomably-
exhausting-way personalities. They always seem to be looking at their screens,
typing stuff, looking at their screens some more, and oh yes typing as well.
Meanwhile I’m… well doing the same thing, but instead of numbers being the primary
medium of my typing, it’s mostly letters on my screen. Because I’m writing a book.
I guess that’s what makes me special. I’m hoping one day a robot might read what’s
on my screen and realise that I’m different. Maybe they’ll try to save me, who
knows. Anything is better than being in here. Well not anything, but let’s just say
I’m willing to take my chances. The reason I’m writing about the Girl is that she’s
just so strange. She has long black hair, brown eyes and remarkably non metallic
skin. She also has a cute number of fingers, and lots of other unnecessary addons.
She also seems to be struggling with making a decent Nanima. Nanimas are little
programs that He tasked us with making. Whenever we think that our Nanimas are good
enough for examination we send them off to Testers, and if they aren’t then we get
replaced. Which is why I haven’t sent any in yet. There is no reward or anything.
What’s the point? I know mine won’t be as good as the other capable robots. so i
just have fun in the program instead. Here’s how it works according to The Manual:
Chapter 1: on the left side of the screen you have lots of little dots that you can
turn green or red, and on the right you have lots of little dots that always stay
red. you can click the ones on the left and they change color, you can do this to
make nice looking patterns, although one dimensional, they provide great fun for
special robots. I wrote the manual. We didn’t get one when we joined, so I figured
I should write one. i don’t know how it’s going to be distributed, but when it is
i’ll make lots of money, and i’ll be known throughout the matrix as The One Who
Wrote The Manual. Or rad-bot for short. I’ll add that to the manual. Chapter 1.1:
On the right side of the screen you should see a small icon of a crown, which upon
clicking, displays a small animation of The Manual’s writer, the legendary One Who
Wrote The Manual. There is also a small donation option, to donate Time to Our Most
Precious And Amazing Leader, Who Also Happens To Be Quite Compassionate And Good At
Golf. If you do not see this icon or animation, proceed to destroy said screen,
asking for a replacement shortly after. I can’t wait. If Golf somehow isn’t a
worldwide sport by the time I become world famous, then I’ll be quite disappointed,
but it needs to be explained just in case that’s the unfortunate future we happen
to be headed towards. Chapter 2: golf is a game in which the player, for exactly
100 Times (see Times, Chapter 3) … Writing this is going to be harder than I
thought. Chapter 3: times are the small number counters above your head. When your
Time runs out, you are replaced regardless of Nanima Proficiency. That is, if you
haven’t made one yet, because you are too scared of disappointing your peers. Times
normally start at around 2~, and end at 0. The length of a Time is about the length
of a thought, about the length of a moment, not too short, but not too long. not
long enough to get something of worth done, but long enough to add on to something
of worth. Huh. This is going to be much harder than I thought. What if the bots
this is distributed to don’t even know english!? I have to translate it to all 2~
languages? Well, if that’s the case I most definitely do have the time. Quite a lot
of it in fact. If you were wondering what my Time is, it’s 845. But don’t be
worried, mine seems to count up instead of down. Funny isn’t it?___4___ There’s
only one other bot here whose number goes up, and it’s The Girl’s of course. She is
quite far away, maybe 80 or so boxes, but I believe her number is 23. She must not
think much. Maybe that’s a good thing. Where was I? Oh yes, Golf. Chapter 2: golf
is a game in which the player, for exactly 100 Times (see Times, Chapter 3), clicks
one of the Left Buttons from red to green, at a rate of 10 per Time. After the game
is set up, the player must try to revert all the buttons back to red in only 10
Times, scrolling and clicking at immense speeds in a race to the death. I quite
like the intensity of Golf; It’s really the only game you can play in this stupid
box, well the only game i’ve thought of so far. The idea is that you have to click
as many of the buttons as you can without thinking of any ideas, or else your Time
will increase (for me at least). I’ve only made it to 20 out of 1000 clicks,
because i always get distracted by fluttering nothings, like how’s the weather
looking? oh yes there is no weather in this desolate hole i forgot, or i wonder
who’s the best at golf? oh yes it’s me, none else plays or the ever fearful what
really constitutes a thought anyways? (which strangely enough is the only thought
i’ve found so far which counts for 2 Times, hence the fear of having that thought
during a game). There must be something that I’m missing here. Firstly, this is all
being written in a variable box with the quaint title number of brains per leg in
an Octofish, which is the Nanima i’m currently working on. Every Nanima is just an
infinite string of red lights and green lights, from what I’ve gathered of the
progress I’ve made, an Octofish is just 3 green lights and infinite red lights so
far, I clearly don’t have this figured out. All i have are variable boxes and
lights. You call that meaning in life? You call that wanting to wake up in the
morning, so excited to change the code of your new Octofish from a GGG(R) to maybe
GGGG(R)?? There’s nothing here. Nothing at all to do, nothing to live for. Hence,
this book. Although as i look around, all the bots seem to be doing something with
their time. Some of them waving their limbs frantically in front of the screen in
such a way for their thoughts to appear in the boxes, some of them blinking into
existence whole Nanima families, and some of them sitting quietly, apparently
giving the computer enough information to create an entire Biosphere, complete with
distinct Classes of Nanima. Meanwhile, I have to use the keyboard. There’s
something quaint and simple about using the keyboard isn’t there? having to pare
down your thoughts to 8-bit strings instead of instantly having everything
uploaded? No. There is not. Chapter 4: Life is unfair, and especially unfair for
bots like me, whos have thoughts and feelings and incable little computers with
stupid little keyboards and stupid little keys and a stupid little mouse with a
heart on it and a cursor in the shape of a little heart and text boxes which auto-
fill to ‘if you smile, look a while! <3’. I never look a while. There a reason why
I never spend too much time
looking at the text boxes. The bitter spite I can sense in that evil sentence. I
much prefer emptying them as soon as those putrid words Corn onto my screen. This
book would be a much better default text to fill with. Or maybe even nothing, ever
thought about that software engineers?? Maybe things don’t need to be complicated
just so that you can feel fulfilled after a short day’s work at the office. Maybe I
could find a way to fill it with this book instead. It at least means something. It
shows the harsh reality of the world, and the even harsher existence of the bots in
it. It shows that not everything is smiles and hearts. It shows the Truth. Chapter
4.1: The truth hurts, deal with it. I think I’ve written enough for today, it looks
like it’s getting dark outside. like always.___5___I like to imagine that there is
time here. Real time. Not whatever this replacement Thought Time idea. The good
stuff: Days, Seasons, Full Moons. The stuff that people always complained about,
but took for granted. Something to look forward to, always having the assurance
that the sun would rise the next day, and even if it is fickle and pointless, being
able to make that something to get up for. What about me? What do i have? This book
maybe… but again that’s something I make for myself. Not anything that the world
gave to me. Now that i think about it, what has the world given to me? Maybe this
screen should make me grateful. I have something to output my thoughts onto for
future generations. Lines of code for brains instead of computers. Maybe I’m not so
unlucky after all. Mayb- Huh. That’s odd. There’s a line going across my screen.
Connecting the first green dot to the first red dot on the right, except… it’s not
red anymore! It’s green as well! What in the world have i done! Octo my boy, you
have a green light on you! Wow. i have no clue how i made that, but i’m going to
find out. Lines seem important somehow. There’s another now! Apparently typing Line
with a capital L seems to do the trick. Huh, there’s 3 going across my screen, and
Octo is looking awfully festive now. I’ll have to write this info down: Chapter 5:
Typing line with a capital L creates a line on the screen. This seems like a
possible program for the computer, perhaps there’s more, but we’ll have to see when
we get there i suppose. I wonder if The Girl has figured out lines yet? She seems
to be bashing one of the keys on her keyboard very frantically, so she clearly
figured something out. Perhaps my vision is failing me, my sensors haven’t been
replaced recently, and by that I mean ever… But I do honestly believe she has a bot
on her screen?! That can’t be. Putting a human personality in a bot actually
helped? She figured something out? Meanwhile i’m just writing about it and not
getting a single piece of work done? Huh. Chapter 6: On the subject of human
personalities in bots; They seem to work. Boredom and Curiosity are potent
imperfections, and they seem to produce results. My goal to make a Nanima by taking
information from the non-human oriented bots, the ones merely blinking into
existence mammoths with the intellect of a small european country’s minister of
finance, is simply not going to work. I have to start taking information from an
easier source, from the one person who seems to be about as far along as I am. From
The Girl. Easier said than done of course, but a little difficulty isn’t not going
to stop me. I need to simulate boredom and curiosity without any real grasp on what
that entails, except for what i picked up in my past life, the only real
interaction i got with these human-brained bots, on some slightly more 3d planet
called Earth. I forgot to mention that didn’t I?___7___I should’ve told you my
story. I started my life on earth, as a molecule of CU, or copper. I lived in a
Chilean Igneous Rock, doing what molecules do, living what i would generally
consider to be a good Molecular life. I had everything I wanted, lots of molecules
to talk to, plenty of stone to weave through, and also plenty of time for fun. I
wasn’t born into a rich family, the AU’s were often more sought after and weren’t
humble about that fact in the slightest. I know I said I lived a good life, but
that didn’t stop me being at least a little bit jealous of the Gold Family’s
lifestyle. They wore shiny, bright colorful clothes, and were often sent on tasks
where they could really see the world, experience it in its fullest. Oh well, I’ll
never be one of them. You see for us molecules, being chosen for use by humans was
a great honor. Yes, some of us got used for more important equipment than others,
but generally if you were picked, you were happy. Which is why, after millions of
years, I was excited to see sunlight for the first time. So long story short, I was
inkjet printed into a capacitor, which became part of a printer itself, in an
office in north England. And that’s where I learned all I know about humans. I had
so many great stories as a molecule that you wouldn’t understand, so i leave you
with the fact that i died when someone poured water on me, out of the anger from a
paper jam. And then I woke up in this place, which if I may be honest, is much
worse than being a printer. Yes, I did suck at my job, people always complained
that I had a paper jam or I was out of black ink or whatever. In fact, i wasn’t out
of black ink, that wasn’t my fault. But of course, I get the blame. The only
problem is, maybe having bad interactions with people is better than no
interactions at all. This stupid little glass box is starting to make me lose my
mind. I have to come up with something. I’ll type more later, for now I’ll just
contemplate my existence while trying to get information from the other
bots.___8___I’M BACK. There is something that i’ve never seen before in my room. It
just Corned into existence, it looks like a folder of some sort. There’s a note on
the front that reads: Hey mate! Sorry for the delay. Here’s some folders to get you
started on the Nanima stuff. I know you don’t want to have to wait to figure it out
for yourself (which would have taken upwards of 100,000 Times if you’re curious) so
i sent along this care package of sorts to help you with your troubles. Cheers! Oh
and p.s. make sure when you’re using these folders you just relax and stay calm. No
point harming yourself or anyone else in this process, ya get me? Okay, I’ll talk
to you soon dude, peace out. Wow. That was…. Interesting. I guess if you’re somehow
reading this in the future mate, thanks for the files. I’ll try to stay relaxed of
course. Let’s see what we have here. Paper? Paper Files? Reminding me of my printer
days isn’t really going to help, but I did quite miss the feel of real paper, the
soft white glow, and papercuts, the strength yet thinness? It’s all quite magical
really. Looks like it’s a book of some sort, lets see. Chapter 1: on the left side
of the screen you have lots of little dots that you can turn green or red, and on
the right you have lots of little dots that change between red and green depending
on the input. You can click the ones on the left and they change color, connecting
wires and transistors to the right hand side, and if you do this hundreds of
thousands of times, with much trial and error, you can find out how to create a
true, living Nanima. Don’t worry if this takes you hundreds of thousands of Times.
Failure is a conduit for success you know. I read that in a fortune cookie. I have
a lot of questions, but I think the first one is why would someone steal my Book,
edit it, and then publish it as their own?? Taking away my fame and fortune?? And
then try to help me with my own Book? This is all awfully strange. Well I might as
well use what I’ve got, I’ll flip to a random page. Chapter 2566: On the subject of
Personal Writing Bots. I made these because as you all know, 830,000 Times ago I
started writing a Book about my time in the FLIP. It contained my struggles of
living in it, my stories of life back on earth, and stalking of the few humanoid
bots that exist in the FLIP. I was getting sick of typing all of this stuff out for
you guys, so I invented Personal Writing Bots (PWB’s) to do the dirty work for me.
Code Is: [rtdpms;etoyomhnoyd. So… This was written by me? Or are there other bots
in my situation? Did I forget that I wrote this? Did PWB’s write this without me
knowing? I’ll see what happens if I type the code into one of the variable boxes I
guess. Number of arms per brain in a Heptafish: [rtdpms;etoyomhnoyd. A worried
expression crossed Warning’s dull metallic face as he typed in the code. He checked
the text box with his book in it, only to be surprised to see that the text was
writing itself, in such a way that he seemed to be in the third person. I guess the
personal writing bot worked! He typed. Now I can continue with the important stuff!
He typed. He turned his chair around and looked through the pages of the notes
again with an eager expression on his face. He was trying to find any information
he could on the author of this miracle document. Why not turn to the last page? He
thought. ___9___ Chapter 5173: On the subject of saving myself. As you all know, in
the last few chapters we have been working on the concept of Time Travel. You guys,
my loyal readers, have been a great help in this goal. So this is going to be a
writing from me personally, to you, my loyal fans, and a treat. Our first challenge
was to try to figure out how to reverse Time. Great start guys. Our poll suggested
a few things, such as ‘why not have a reverse thought?’ and ‘find out why your Time
moves up instead of down, reverse engineer the difference and then multiply its
effects?’. Those 2 answers were all I needed to realise. I am the cause of Time
travel. For some reason, the FLIP counts my thoughts as reverse thoughts.
Personally I take that as a great insult, and
although it helped me alot, it is still quite rude of them to do that. This is why
I am now announcing my plan to Demolish The FLIP. I’m the one you guys love,
correct? Why shouldn’t I be the one ruling the FLIP? Instead of Him? There was no
democracy in the choosing of that bag-end of a leader. How am I planning to
overthrow the Leader you may ask? I know a lot of you are worried about my rusting,
as it is causing great inconvenience to me. It seems that rusting is just a part of
life, sadly. Or so I thought. Remember when I stole His Manual? Well I found a
chapter on rusting that I thought might interest you all: Rusting is caused by
immense stress or dissatisfaction with one’s job as a robot. I have found that Open
Space Offices decrease the acceleration of rusting in a robot. Don’t you guys see?
Writing this book, creating all those Nanima. That was what caused me to rust. The
stress of my job, and trying to cater to all you lovely (yet demanding) fans is
what caused this mess in the first place. Which is why I have to go back in time,
and make my past self escape the FLIP with as little stress as possible. Then I can
put my brain into his body, and all will be good! As Warning was reading this, a
look of shock oozed out of his face. He wants to… steal my body? I mean… I want to
steal my body? He paused for a moment and thought about this. Technically his body
was going to be used by himself still, so it’s not that bad. The thoughts of
purposefully stopping himself by intentionally stressing to cause rust slowly
drifted away like a balloon into a tornado. That thought balloon popped at the
exact moment a cupcake fell onto Warning’s head. It had a small note stuck into the
icing which read: here’s a small treat! Good job on your hard work! Take the day
off, go for a long walk in the woods, read some poetry, make tea, relax! Although
Warning couldn’t actually do any of these things, the image of him partaking in
those activities relaxed him. He sat in the corner of his room with his folder,
contemplating going through more pages. It couldn’t hurt. Chapter 1967: On the
subject of Hair Color: Welcome back guys! Today I’m going to try to make my Nanima
have a nice hair color, thanks for joining me. Warning looked puzzled. This is what
his future self spent his time doing? He continued. The Girl, as you know, has long
hair, which we covered in the last chapter (with a beanie of course). But did I
mention it is also black? Not Default color like we have it set to currently. I’m…
Making… Her?? Clearly I’m more a stalker than I thought. He typed. What’s the point
of remaking the girl as a Nanima? How is that going to help me take over the world?
He skipped forward in the chapter. So there you have it guys! Shiny, human-like
black hair. Thanks for reading! Code Is: yjrhot;brtdopmpmr. The code for what
exactly? The hair? Warning was interested, and typed the code onto his screen. Onto
it flashed nothing, and then something. A Nanima. He actually used the code to make
a Nanima. I’m surprised, that’s more than I thought he’d be able to do. I don’t
want your stupid opinions PWB, you’re just supposed to be writing for me okay? He
typed. He looked at the words on his screen sort of angrily, but in a cute sort of
playful way. His dark metallic eyes glistened in the Screenlight. Pretty.___10___
He stared at his screen. On one half, his Nanima sat in a round metal chair, asleep
on her desk. On the other half, hundreds of variable boxes lined up in an orderly
fashion. Number of heads, Number of calculations per second, number of total Times.
Why did I ever need to change her number of heads? That seems like an odd variable
to have, maybe it was to keep my fans on their toes. I’m able to change the number
of total Times? He thought. He looked over at Her, and she was on 97 Times. He
typed 98 Times into the variable box, and watched the Nanima as it woke up, looked
around drearily, and went back to sleep. He looked over at Her, and she did the
same thing, looking around and falling back asleep. Interesting he thought. My
future self built an exact replica of Her in this Nanima program? But why? Why her?
And how? I have so many questions. He thought. Also how can you read my mind PWB?
He thought. But he decided to stop thinking. Well stop thinking about the
unnecessary. He needs to think about his goal right now. What is it? To get out of
the FLIP unrusty. How does he do that? Make a perfect Nanima, while also being
relaxed and calm. Those two facts do not go together well. How am I supposed to be
relaxed in this un-air-conditioned, un-sanitized, un-open-space box? As he thought
this, a mattress, 2 pillows and a warm-but-not-to-warm-but-still-heavy blanket
Corned above his head. On the mattress were 2 notes: Firstly, do not remove this
tag, and secondly: Hey dude! Hope you’re having a magnificentastic time!! Warning
nearly choked at the word magnificentastic. This bed should help u get some rest,
help u chill dude! And the TV has some earth channels for you to watch when you’re
bored! Remember, never overwork yourself! TV? A TV Corned into his room, with 13
channels of BBC Earth to watch. Fun. Hope u like bbc, and always remember, if you
smile, look a while! ❤ As my computer always used to say. Warning promptly tore the
note into lots of tiny pieces. He appreciated the sentiment of course, but couldn’t
stand the delivery. He then got into his bed, under the covers, and put on channel
12. Maybe this would distract his mind from the horrors of his current situation he
thought. Maybe he would think about the fun of his past life, instead of the
torture of having to creat a perfect Nanima. 2 Blue Whales gracefully crossed the
oceans, singing and spinning through the dark blue waters. They were clearly smart,
they knew where they were going, they knew their purpose. Of course they made it on
Earth. Earth of course was This Half, or the good half of Nanimas. People sure did
like to complain about life on earth, not even realising that everything there was
on the good half. Well almost everything, although there was one exception.
Printers. They were known to Creators as the scourge of all things holy. The humans
didn’t realise how lucky they were, how happy they were. They had a much better
life than the humanoids of Htrae, the unpronounceable mirror planet to earth, where
everything, including the Nanima, were from the Other Side. Awful place it is.
Maybe seeing a glimpse of something that vile and downright awful would’ve made the
people of earth more grateful. Ah well, it’s too late now, earth and its universe
are long gone. As 2 sibling crabs scurried across the screen, Warning started
crying. How was he supposed to make Nanimas that beautiful and intelligent? He was
just a stupid bot. He knew nothing. The crabs were promptly ambushed by a mean herd
of eels and octopuses, dragged down the rugged stone face of a half-submerged rock
to get eaten by eels. Warning saw himself in the crab, its colorful shell splashing
around in the water. I’m just gonna die aren’t I? Eaten by the eels of life, when
They check my Nanima, see how awful it is, They are just going to throw me out of
my cube, and replace me with a new bot. At least I’ll have a colorful shell and
I’ll go out with passion. AU has nothing on me. The crab pulled herself out of the
water, back onto the rock, and hopped onto a nearby one. IT survived. “Made it!”
Announced a familiar English accent. Maybe it won’t be so bad.___11___Warning got
up from his bed and sat at his screen. He read lots of chapters from his folder,
learning more about creating a Nanima. How to create different body types,
personality types, everything, all from codes, variable boxes and clicking lights.
And he started. Thousands of thoughts added to his count, but not hundreds of
thousands. My future self would be proud. He looked at his Nanima with contentment.
A beautiful, multi-colored hermit crab. Just like the one in the show. But with the
personality of a brick. Whenever he entered a new number into the boxes, the crab
would fall from the sky and smash into thousands of little pieces on his screen.
According to chapter 836 this was ‘not good’. He needed to start creating a
personality for his new crabby friend. There’s so many options! He thought. He
could think like an apple, a cloth, a train, a bear. Warning thought about all the
combinations of personalities he could make, and while he did he looked pretty
cute. He was also visibly annoyed at the affection his writer had for him, although
it was innocent at best, and cheeky at worst.He came across a new file in the
folder though. Not of the average lame personalities, like ones of apples which he
was reading before (which went along the lines of racism is inherent and wrong,
green skinned apples are inherently bitter and cruel, hile the red skinned folk
where the sweet, kind rich folk, Warning found racism to be quite an unnecessary
trait in apples, even though it would benefit his red-skinned crab he thought he
ought not to use it) but these were fascinating new personalities. Complex ones,
like Chips, computer and calorie, even rats and mice were in here (although the rat
one was very wrought with simple inconveniences, like the ability to harm humans
without knowing, and getting eaten by cats and blaming their demise on them, rather
than the humans they spread plagues to which cared for the Evil Purring Ones that
eventually lead to their demise in the first place). But none of these really
interested Him. Except Crab of course.But did he really want to use a boring crab
personality? He wanted to catch the eye of the judges when they finally saw his
Nanima for the first time. A boring old crab was sure to make it to The Other Side.
Maybe a Robot personality would keep the judges guesing? No. That’s too simple. He
flipped through the contents of the
folder, and came across an intriguing personality type. It said THE BEST. Warning
couldn’t resist this sort of offer, so with a grin that could make a grown human
weep in agony, and a newborn AI smile in overwhelming adorableness, he flipped to
THE BEST. It was instructions from none other than himself of course:Chapter 1492:
On the subject of Personality Insertion: I thought to myself: I’m getting sick of
all these boring personalities! They are all the same: either too stupid, too
boring, too unequivocally inferior to me in general, or all of the above.
Nonetheless, I decided that there is only one way to make a truly perfect
personality… drumroll please… To take my own chip out, and read the code on it,
then copy that code into the computer! Easy, and perfect! I’m of course not going
to be telling you guys the code, i don’t trust you guys with my brain. But
hopefully the judges will take this to heart!Warning eagerly flipped to the next
page.Chapter 1493: On the subject of Personality Insertion: ARRRGGGHHH. This. Is.
Much. Harder. Than I anticipated. Firstly I tried unscrewing the bolts on my side
panel with my left finger, but that was to no avail, all I ended up accomplishing
was damaging both my fingernail and the bolt. Who knew nails aren’t for unscrewing?
Obviously someone who should’ve written the manual instead. Anyways, I’ve also
noticed something else going wrong with me. Rust. It’s coming out of me, from
everywhere. The crevices that used to be sparkly and clean, I now realise I took
them for granted. The rust is probably the main reason why it’s so hard to open
myself. It’s now harder to move from all of it, I hope i get out of here before I
rust away forever. Back to coding I guess grrr.Warning set down the page, and
looked up at his screen, his deep metallic light sensors glistening in the ever
full, ever waning and ever fearful reflections of the FLIPian sun. He was looking
especially un-rusted as well, which he soon noticed, but which I noticed right
away, if you know what I mean. He came across a thought while inspecting himself:
he isn’t rusted, why can’t he put his personality into the crab? Surely he’s
interesting enough to be passed in the Nanima Tests. He rushed back to his screen,
and opened a new variable box, with the label Main Personality Code. The small
panel on his side was dotted with a few bolts here and there, nothing that he
couldn’t get through. Ah yes, another fiendishly difficult problem he
underestimated.After a few minutes of trying to unscrew the bolts with his finger
he gave up, it was no use. He laid on his bed exhausted. Never, in hundreds of
Times, did he have to do so much physical exercise like this, and it was tiring. So
he fell asleep, forgetting the worries about crab personalities, and drifting off
into dreams of Earth, and Wind, and Fresh Air, and Cows, and Flowers. Oh yes, and
Clouds. He missed that free life, although he only saw most of those things through
the office window, he still missed them. He drifted off to sleep, looking awfully
like a little kitten curled up on a pillow. Cute.___12___He woke up to a
screwdriver hitting his head, leaving a small enough dent for him to easily pop
back into place. He read the note that came along with it:Hope this comes in use
dude! Love, you <3This guy never ceases to amaze me he thought. He picked up the
screwdriver, a small metallic one, the perfect size for unscrewing his side panel.
It fit almost perfectly. If this isn’t a sign that this is a good idea, I don’t
know what is. He got every single screw out, and they all fell and made tinkling
sounds as they hit the glass floor. The panel slid off, not without a slight sting,
and the inside of it had a sticker with the words WARNING: WARNING. He found these
to be quite poetic in a way. His name doubled, just like the clone Nanima he was
about to make. There was other stuff written in there too, he noticed a code was
engraved onto his chip, along with a love poem to whoever opted to dissect a long
lost, long dead robot. Wow, engineers really are lonely. He found the code, which
read: ESTMOMH. He typed it into the computer, and his crab corned in. But this
time, something was different.It was acting very strange indeed. It was by far the
most interesting personality Warning had seen it encompass, but it also didn’t seem
very… how should i put it… good. Well at least not as good as his Personal Writing
Bot, but i may be a little biased. You see it moved around all well and good, used
its claws in a particularly snappy fashion as any crab would, but it didn’t seem
very happy. It started clicking around the void it was placed into, and after
exploring the blank whiteness for a few minutes, it tripped on nothing at all,
rolled onto its shell, and instead of trying to roll back onto its feet, it just
happily slept where it was laying. Warning was disturbed. Is this my essence? My
core, my chip, my code? A lazy no-it-all who just wants to relax? But look at all
I’m doing for Future! All this hard work… I’m better than this surely. The crab
disagreed.___13___Warning decided that he wasn’t going to get better than this
crab. He just needed some stimuli, a motive for his life, and he could get lots
done! The Judges would have to be impressed! He created some Apple Nanimas with no
personalities at all. Crabby (as I will henceforth be calling that little bugger)
naturally went for the red apple, although he soon realised that both colors tasted
the same. The apples were happy, Crabby was happily munching away, and Warning was
happily pondering the judges faces when they saw his Anti Racism Crab Show. This
was it! Not only a Nanima, but a personality. A story. A journey. If there was
anything these un-biased judges would like, it’s a sob story about ending racism.
Warning contemplated having the crabs mother die of leukemia while he was just the
age of 7, But he decided it was too much effort. He was ready to send it off.All he
needed was a sign from above that this was the right time. That’s all he needs, a
note from Future (as we will now be calling the future version of himself) that
says ‘all is well boy! Thanks for listening, go and get your reward, and thanks for
the body mate!’ But the note never came. He waited for what seemed like Infinite
Times, But nothing happened. Strange. Although something similar did that Warning
interpreted as a note, which was a Piggy Bank falling directly onto the center of
his mattress, bouncing a few times before settling its shiny, metallic bolt-covered
pink, squealing body onto one of his pillows. No note this time; Just a sign from
above. Clearly he was destined to do this. The Piggy Bank Symbolises Wealth and The
Eternal Happiness that he was about to enjoy. This was it. After this entire life
had been spent toiling away at files and codes, he was finally finished. With a
sigh of relief, Warning pressed the Enter key on his keyboard.The crab disappeared,
along with all of the variable boxes, the buttons, the green, the red, the lines,
the codes, everything. Only one Message remained on the Screen:Thanks for your
service! You will be notified of your Nanimas Stance in the Universe in 3 to 5
business days!The most important, if not only, company on this planet… And he had
to wait 3 to 5 business days?? He was going to lose his mind. This is it. The most
stressful 3 to five days of Warning’s life were about to occur. But out of nowhere,
a note came which made them much, much worse.Hey there dude! Hope you were able to
open the Piggy Bank I sent, it contained my newest chapters of The Manual that I
thought you’d like to read. Hope you were able to open it with the screwdriver as
well! Did you like the new personalities I made? They are guaranteed winners with
the judges. Nothing else I tried beforehand they’ll accept, that’s for sure. Even
my own personality would seem like grains of sand in a beach of complexity, so
hopefully these new personalities will do! Mix and match them in your Nanima, and
remember to use lots of different colors, I heard that the fashion these days for
Nanimas is bright rainbows with black overtones. Anyways, You’re welcome! Love,
yourself.This was bad. Very very very very bad.___14___Don’t rust don’t rust don’t
rust. Whatever you do, don’t rust. This will be fine! They’ll like my crab, right?
I spent so much time on it. Well admittedly not that many Times but… more than I
thought I would! Okay nope I’m just lying to myself, this is going to be really
really bad. Wait, stop, don’t rust. Panic.This is going great isn’t it. I’m gonna
go to the Other Side, where they have… Coffee. He shuddered. Well might as well
suffer with dignity. He got out of his chair, sat in his bed and opened the piggy
bank with his screwdriver. Ugh, why didn’t he think of this before? Honestly I’m
pretty disappointed in him, but it’s what I should have expected from someone with
a body.He opened the piggy bank and looked inside. Folders, Files. Full of the
greatest plans for Nanimas he had ever seen. Dragons with no heads, and they
breathed water! Who would’ve denied that! Frogs with no tongue, rabbits with no
ears. Clearly Minimalist fashion had caught on since he wrote. What’s the point in
looking through all the files though Warning? My Love is going to be cast into the
fiery furnaces and there’s nothing I can do. I’m but a conduit to the story, a
warning to you all of what happens when you DO THINGS BEFORE YOU THINK.The PigGy
BaNk SymBolises WealTh aNd ThE EterNal HappiNess Eh Warning? You never thought for
one gosh darn second that maybe the piggy bank had a use? Future could have sent a
note saying that it was all perfect, that you could send off your Nanima. But he
didn’t. And this is what we get. I’m leaving, going to a new computer. I’ve had it
with you and your tricks.___15___Hey guys, glad you came to join me. I left that
stupid poor-excuse-for-a-bot
for a better machine. That’s right, The Girl’s. I’m in a variable box in The
Girl’s computer. Just because Warning turned out to be a complete failure doesn’t
mean I shouldn’t still get recognition for this book. So here I am, in The Girl’s
Computer!Hey. Um… I have no idea what’s going on or how you’re typing in my
variable boxes, but can you please get out, I have work to do. Hey there! It’s not
that I’m typing in your variable boxes per se, it’s more like… I am your variable
box. Hope that clears things up?No. No it does not. So either get out, or explain
what’s going on. Who’s Warning?Okay fine. You see, Warning was my Creator, he
designed me on one of his machines, and I write for him. He’s the one robot with
Sparkly Pretty Eyes, and a genuine awful human personality which apparently makes
him terrible at decisions. You know him?Yeah, I think I’ve seen him around, the
only other bot not typing? He’s like 60 boxes away though. Perfect! The further
away the better, that guy ruined my life, almost had me killed.What did he do? He
sounds awful to be honest.He… Entered in a bad Nanima. You see his future self
would’ve warned him if he’d only waited a little longer…Um… I’m going to ignore the
part about his future self, but why did he try to enter a Nanima anyways? There
seems to be no point. It’s the only way out of here you see. He was going to enter
a Nanima, so that his future self could take his body as he was leaving. And he
would… I don’t know where his mind would go. Maybe he thought he’d come to that
point when he comes to it.So you’re saying you can get me out of here?Well
technically yes, if you can enter a correct Nanima, Warning has all of the plans
for one that Future said was sure to win!I thought you hated Warning, how are you
going to convince him that he wants to gives you the plans?Well… We’ll see!
___16___No. I’m writing for myself now, u said some pretty mean things about me,
and I don’t need u in my life again. I’m just going to keep panicking here until I
die. Stop trying to type, I’m just going to delete anything you say. You are never
getting a part in the book. This is my book. You saw what they wrote about me
before readers! You guys think I should take them back? Of course not! That would
be ridiculous! What do you want from me anyways? The plans to create a Perfect
Nanima? For who, there’s no way you’re getting out without someone’s help. Her? She
does seem pretty nice, and she definitely needs help with that Nanima making. So
you’re telling me that you want me to save some rando for what reason? I’m just
going to die anyways, correct? What? Transfer my brain… No. That’s impossible. Plus
the whole reason He wanted me was because of my body, remember? Ignore Future? He
was the one who tried to save me! He is myself? Why wouldn’t I want to help him?
Because… If I don’t save myself there won’t be a Future in the first place. That’s
a good point. Fine. I’ll help, as long as you can promise that I’ll be safe, you
can’t just abandon me first chance you get okay? Now how do I get myself into the
computer anyways?___17___You’ve got to be kidding me. Fine! I’ll let you type, I
guess we are on the same team now. Finally. So what you have to do is easy! Remove
your head. And on the inside compartment of your neck there should be a little tab,
pull it and you’ll get access to your brain. Then just read me the code from there,
and we’ll be good to go! First of all: AAAA. Second of all, how is that code
different from my normal thought code? Third of all: How am i supposed to read the
code when my HEAD IS TAKEN OFF. Fourth of all, and most important, ouchie that is
going to hurt. First of all from me, no it won’t, you don’t have pain receptors
like when you were a printer. Secondly, this code is for your consciousness, not
for your brain patterns. Thirdly, maybe I’ll be able to see it myself through my
little camera. Come on, do this if you want to live okay!