RAISING KIDS BETTER PARENTING

PARENTING STYLE

Middle Child
Syndrome: Everything
You Need to Know
Many middle children feel neglected from
the family, which leads to some distinct
personality traits. Here's how to handle
your outgoing, somewhat rebellious,
people-pleasing, peacemaking middle
child.

By Jocelyn Voo | Updated on July 21, 2021

Middle children tend to get lost in the

sibling shuffle. They never experience
anything first like your overachieving
eldest, and they don't hog the spotlight like
your attention-seeking lastborn. In turn,
middle children often feel excluded and
misunderstood—and this phenomenon is
referred to as "middle child syndrome."
Learn more about middle child syndrome
characteristics, with tips on how to handle
your outgoing, somewhat rebellious,
people-pleasing, peacemaking middle
child.

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RELATED: What to Know About Older, Younger,

and Middle Child Personalities

An image of children reading a book.

PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES.

What is Middle Child

Syndrome?
Birth order somewhat influences
personality type. Oldest children, for
example, tend to be more reliable and
conscientious. They have Type A
personalities and strict perfectionist
tendencies—probably because first-time
parents act extremely "by the book" and
devote undivided attention to them. On the
other hand, parents act most relaxed with
youngest siblings, so lastborns tend to be
more fun-loving and uncomplicated.
However, since they're always trying to live
up to older siblings, the youngest may act
self-centered, attention-seeking, and
manipulative.

So where does the middle child fit in?

They're probably not praised like their older
sibling or coddled like their younger one,
which makes them feel excluded or
neglected. This phenomenon, called
middle child syndrome, also leaves them
without a sense of place within the family.
They might say, "No one understands me
or listens to what I say." Also common: "My
big brother gets to do all the fun stuff first,
and everyone babies my little sister. I'm left
out."

RELATED: Science Says Second-Born Kids Are

Most Likely to Behave Badly, Even Into

Adulthood

Middle Child Syndrome

Characteristics
To compensate for lack of attention,
middle children usually either act rebellious
or try to people please. Their behavior is
somewhat based off of their older sibling's
personality. For example, if the older sibling
is structured and responsible, the middle
child might rebel to draw some of the
attention away. "Middle children often go
to an extreme to get attention, which is
why some dye their hair purple or become
a fanatic about a particular singing group—
because they need an identity really bad,"
says Meri Wallace, a child and family
therapist for over 20 years and author of
Birth Order Blues.

Middle children are also more agreeable

and mild-mannered, since they must often
compromise throughout life. "A lot of the
time, middle children end up deferring to
the oldest's wants and the youngest's
needs," says Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D.,
a child and family therapist in White Plains,
New York. This helps them become more
independent and maintain realistic
expectations. What's more, middle children
tend to seek more relationships outside of
the family; they often have large social
circles and close-knit friendships.

RELATED: Mom Writes Heartfelt Post About the

Guilt in Parenting Her Middle Child

Middle Child Syndrome in

Adults
As adults, middle children tend to hold onto
the same rebellious and/or people-
pleasing tendencies. Take Holly Schrock, a
31-year-old at-home mother of five in
Newtown, Pennsylvania, who grew up as a
middle child. "I wasn't a bad kid, but I was
definitely pushing the envelope a little,"
Schrock says. In fact, at one point during
her teen years, Schrock became embroiled
in an argument with her parents that
resulted in her running away for three days.
Though Schrock admits she has since
calmed down a bit, she still won't take
anyone's guff.

"I don't like being told what to do, period,"

she says.

If the middle child felt neglected

throughout childhood, they might struggle
with codependency or self-confidence
issues. They might also excel at mediating
conflicts in their personal or professional
life.

RELATED: This is How Sibling Dynamics Can

Change as Your Kids Grow Up

How to Handle Middle

Child Syndrome Behavior
To counteract the attention you lavish
upon your overachieving firstborn and
spotlight-hogging lastborn, the middle-
born child needs to experience
acceptance exactly for who they are,
writes Cliff Isaacson and Kris Radish in The
Birth Order Effect. Here are some tips for
handling middle child syndrome.

Offer reassurance. If your child makes a

mistake, you need to emphasize that their
punishment is not related to their siblings,
and it doesn't change the fact that you still
care about them. Explaining the reason
behind the punishment is especially crucial
when dealing with a middle-born child, who
already feels lost in the mix.

Don't leave them out. Give your middle

child enough attention so they don't feel
the need to act out. By lavishing praise for
their incredible easel paintings, your middle
child will be less inclined to finger-paint
Picassos all over the living room wall to get
you to notice them.

"Tune into the middle child," advises

Wallace. "If you're having dinner, ask the
middle child, 'How was your day?' Spend
time alone with the middle child. Set up a
date on the calendar so he knows it's
coming.'" By focusing on the middle child,
you are reassuring them that they're
equally as important as their siblings, and
keeping them from feeling lost in the
shuffle.

RELATED: Understanding Your Child's

Personality

Make their achievements a big deal.

Chances are, after going through the
whole firstborn circus of achievements, it's
not quite as exciting when your second-
born (or third-, or fourth-, or fifth-born)
gets a gold star for their book report.
Reassure your child with phrases like "you
are part of the family," Isaacson and Radish
write, but also recognize their individual
accomplishments as ones worth
celebrating.

Encourage differences. Your eldest is the

district-wide spelling bee champ? While it'd
be nice for your middle-born child to follow
in their footsteps, it's a breeding ground for
potential feelings of animosity and
inferiority. Instead, encourage your middle
child to find their own niche, whether it's
academic, athletic, or artistic. In fact,
"Middle children often can become artistic
because it'll give [them] a unique spot in
the family, particularly if the oldest one is
good in school," says Wallace.

Maintain open communication. In a

perfect world, we'd all be mind-readers.
However, it can be nearly impossible for a
parent to tell an "I'm hungry" pout from an
"I'm upset" pout. Even if your middle child is
feeling ignored, they may not say anything.
To remedy this, "Talk to him about the
experience of [being] the middle kid,"
suggests Wallace. "Say, 'It's hard because
we have to take care of the baby and your
older brother is preparing for high school. If
you feel left out, talk to us. Tell us, 'I need
attention.'"

No more hand-me-downs! Well, maybe

just fewer. "An occasional hand-me-down
is fine, but your middle child may be
particularly appreciative of something
new, especially a key item, like a coat or
jacket," writes Dr. Kevin Leman, in The Birth
Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are.
In the same vein, special privileges, like
choosing and watching a movie without
interruption from their siblings, can help
your middle child feel special.

RELATED: When to Have Second Baby,

According to Experts and Moms

Capture the memories. "Above all, be sure

the family photo album has its share of
pictures of your middle child," Leman
writes. "Don't let him or her fall victim to the
stereotyped fate of seeing thousands of
pictures of the older brother or sister and
only a few of him or her. And be sure you
take some of your middle born alone, not
always with big brother or little sister."

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