Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Hands
By Andrew J. Talon
- - - - - -
One thing I haven't really discussed in great detail is the smells of Equestria.
How it differs from Earth. You might think it would smell like a farm, but it
doesn't actually smell like that except on... Well, farms.
The ponies themselves have scents that are slightly stronger than those of humans.
There’s a musky odor that isn’t unpleasant, but is strange until you get used to
it. You’re more aware of such differences when you’re the only human around.
There are differences in odor though, but like with humans those differences are on
an individual to individual basis. Twilight, for instance, smells of books, rich
old ink, a soft musky scent I can only describe as “feminine” (as that’s what it
says in my brain), and the smell of... Well... Stardust is the best term I can come
up with.
It’s the kind of smell that you’d associate with the twinkling of stars in the
heavens, if that were possible.
Point is, Canterlot was a mix of scents you’d find in a major city minus any
automotive fumes, familiar and yet wholly alien. There were exotic spicy foods from
desert and grassland cultures. There was the scent of soil after rain and some
exotic chemicals at alchemist shops. There was the scent of clean linens and cakes
baking, and hundreds of others that I could write an entire book on them alone.
But that’s more for a niche market. Then again, if a portal is opened between Earth
and Equestria permanently, I suppose I’ll have a lot of business writing tourism
guides.
Right. I’m getting off topic. We left the Canterlot train station security
checkpoint and made our way through the city towards the palace. There were guards
flying cover above in tight formations, but the feeling in the air was one of
happiness and joy among the citizens. I didn’t see any faked smiles, or tension
other than from ponies involved in gathering flowers or baked goods or other
supplies for the wedding.
I know a few people back home who would scream “fascism!” at the security provided
for a baseball game, and do, and it would be more intrusive than this.
“So, I have the wedding dresses prepared,” Rarity said conversationally, “for the
entire party. I will have to check over the attire of the groom and the bride to
make sure we match...”
“I’m going to have so much fun working with the Wonderbolts for the flyover!” Dash
grinned happily.
“I’m going to party until I throw up a rainbow!” Pinkie Pie cheered.
“Oh my, the music is going to be a bit complicated but um, I think I can handle
it,” Fluttershy muttered as she looked over sheet music. Applejack was talking
happily with Galland, mainly on details regarding the transport of the Apple
family’s contribution to the royal wedding feast.
They were also flirting almost shamelessly, but I decided to save my teasing for
later.
After all, I needed something to counter the riding crop comments I was going to
get.
Speaking of...
“Twilight, relax,” I said with a smile as we trailed the others. Twilight was
nervously checking off things on a scroll, a list Spike had spent all night on.
“Easy for you to say,” Twilight grumbled. “You don’t have to do anything but stand
around.”
“And carry things, and massage tired flanks,” I said dryly. Twilight blushed deeply
and hissed at me.
“Why not? It’s in the schedule,” I said, pointing at the scroll. Twilight’s eyes
went down to it... And she coughed as she quickly scribbled it out with her pen.
“You and I both know you would have put it in regardless,” I said as we walked
through the front gates of the palace. I spared a moment to gape in wonder at the
beautiful front hall. It stretched up high over my head like a cathedral roof, with
stained glass windows casting gorgeous light patterns everywhere. Pegasi flew to
and fro, hanging decorations with care above us. Twilight grumbled.
“I... May have provided for the planning in the near future,” Twilight admitted.
“But don’t say things like that!” She lowered her voice. “Especially not in
public!”
“We’ve already gone through the riding crop thing,” I said with a shrug. “We might
as well treat it like no big deal.”
“What riding crop thing?” Asked a masculine voice. Twilight and I turned, and saw a
well attired white unicorn male with blue mane and tail. Twilight coughed
violently.
“Oh my! Shining Armor himself!” Rarity gasped. I joined Twilight in coughing
violently.
“Ah, oh! Big Brother!” Twilight cried, trotting up to hug her brother. “We... We
have so much to catch up on!”
“Yes we do,” Shining said with a smile. He looked at me quizzically. “This is your
human friend, right?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, tugging at my collar slightly nervously. “Andrew Shepherd. I’m
Twilight’s-”
“Oh?” Shining asked, giving me a raised eyebrow as the wedding preparations went on
around us. Fluttershy was at my side in a moment, nodding quickly.
“Maybe even more than friends to all of us!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, popping up
between my legs. “Especially after that slumber part-MMPH!”
Having hands is awesome, especially when silencing big mouthed mares. Though the
look Shining gave me was not exactly encouraging.
“Ah... Let’s go catch up, Shining!” Twilight said quickly. “There’s so much to talk
about...” Her eyes narrowed. “Like who you’re marrying.”
“Yes, yes we do have a lot to talk about,” he replied, with a steely glare to match
that of my marefriend’s. I felt Fluttershy’s nose against my hip, and a wing slide
around my back possessively. I looked up at the ceiling, cursing the fact all my
weapons were locked away in the vault at the train station.
“GREETINGS, TWILIGHT AND FRIENDS!” Bellowed Princess Luna, descending from on high
like a glorious angel of mercy. I yelped as I was pulled away from the cluster of
mares by telekinesis, and I floated like I was in space. “Might I borrow Andrew
Shepherd for a time? We have things to show him!”
“Uh... Well...” Twilight looked at her brother, and back at me. “Certainly, your
majesty!”
“Excellent! Mine sister will greet you shortly as soon as she is done with other
duties,” Luna said. “Hello Pinkie Pie! We are still on for later?”
“Er, what do you need me for-?” I tried to ask, but a look from Luna silenced me.
“I’ll find out when we get there, right?”
“... Thanks?”
- - - - -
Princess Luna flew us through the hallways of the Canterlot Palace, so quickly I
couldn't even keep track of where we were going. It was up, down, left, right...
"Uh... This is a nice room," I said, looking around at the stained glass and huge,
glass dome overhead. The sun shone through it, set against the clear blue sky. It
was rather breathtaking.
"Yes it is," Luna said. She landed on the decorative tile, in front of a large
safe. I blinked as I looked at it, huge and cold and metal. It seemed entirely
foreign to the rest of the decor.
"So it's like the nuclear football for Equestria," I said, nodding a bit. The
alicorn princess gave me a quizzical look.
"Er... It's a game, with a ball you carry by hand and..." I shook my head. "It's
not that important. Is this what you wanted to show me?"
"No," Luna said gravely. Her horn glowed, and the ornate tiles underneath our feet
glowed in turn. I blinked rapidly as the pattern shifted, the energy shimmering
through the tiles like light on a fish’s scales. It came together in the shape of a
circle right below me, and it flashed bright enough I had to cover my eyes.
“Our apologies!” Luna called down, and I slowed as I was caught in her telekinetic
grip. She pitched me over to look me in the face with an apologetic expression. I
scowled.
Luna bit her lower lip and looked to the side. My eyes widened.
“Say nothing of this, and we will grant thee a boon,” Luna said.
“... Done,” I said with a nod.
Luna nodded back, blushing a bit. I considered what kind of “boon” she might be
thinking of... But I decided to just go into my happy place of denial about the
implications of that.
- - - - - -
Down, down we descended into a vast cavern that was slowly revealed by the light
shining from Luna's horn. The light cast shadows across the walls of the cavern
from various artifacts surrounding us.
"Behold!" Luna cried dramatically, spreading her wings widely. "The secret
underground archives of Canterlot!"
Luna scowled at me. "You're kind of a whiner. It isn't a species wide trait, is
it?"
"Depends on the person," I said dryly. The light increased, and I looked ahead.
"That's bet-WOAH!" I gasped and stumbled back at the fearsome visage of a warrior
with his sword pointed at me. "Don't kill me!"
"Andrew, that is a statue," Luna said calmly. I coughed and slowly stood up,
examining the warrior more closely. It appeared to be a Roman legionnaire in full
armor, his gladius leveled at my throat.
"It arrived here, in much the same say I imagine you did," Luna said calmly.
"Throughout our recorded history, we have found artifacts of alien origin, and
there have been legends of strange creatures like yourself who have appeared and
done great things."
"You... You mean all those dragon legends are true?" I gasped. "Everything I heard
about humans from dragons... It's all true?!" I saw a familiar glint in the
darkness, and reached down. I picked up what was unmistakably an iPod, and I turned
it over in my hands.
"Yes," Luna said, gently pressing her wing against my back. "Humans have been here
before... But until you arrived, they were only thought a myth. I myself have never
met a human before..."
I... I really didn't know how to feel about that. Nor what to say. I looked around
and began walking through the artifacts, feeling dazed. Stacks of scrolls, barrels,
beds-Basically imagine every single garage sale throughout history, and you'd have
a decent approximation of what I was seeing. Luna followed close behind,
respectfully, as I took it all in.
"So... How did the humans get to Equestria?" I asked softly. I found a battered
American flag, and I rested my hand against it. I had seen this flag fluttering in
the breeze over schools, businesses, my house for the Fourth of July. I knew what
it meant, I knew the history, but seeing it here so far from home...
"Over the rainbow bridge," Luna said softly. "They were strangers to our world,
come from a planet very much like ours. They grew slowly over the years into a
great people. They were were healers, and doctors, and leaders and scholars and
heroes of this land, well before Equestria was founded. A mighty empire and people,
who could even make the dragons quake in fear and earn the respect of griffins and
demons, and who defended ponykind... So long ago it has become little more than a
filly's tale."
"No one... Really knows for sure. Some say they perished saving Ponykind... Other
sources say they destroyed themselves... And some say they left in ships of
precious mithril for the stars when Discord emerged, or they just went home, back
across the Rainbow Bridge." She smiled softly. "All we know is that there is almost
no trace left of them. Just artifacts from your world, quite independent of the
Human Empire of Equestria.”
"You realize why there's so much attention paid to you though, do you not?" Luna
asked, a smile on her face. "You are a legend in the flesh, a human. Mighty and
fearsome and mysterious."
"Yeah well, I don't feel so mighty right now," I muttered. I sighed. "So... No idea
how to get back to... To Earth, huh?"
Luna was silent, and I felt it in my bones that she meant 'no.'
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," Luna said. I looked away into the darkness, countless
artifacts beckoning to me... But I didn't want to see any of them. I coughed
violently, and wiped my eyes.
"It... It's dusty in here," I said thickly. Luna's wing pressed a little more
firmly against my back.
"It... It's okay," I said back. "Just... Get someone to clean this up, will you?"
- - - - - - -
I composed myself and wiped my tears... Which were of course caused by the dust.
Not the crushing loneliness of being the only human in Equestria. Nope. Not that at
all. I looked around the archives once again, humming as I saw what looked like
Chinese ceramics sitting atop a table made of elephant tusks.
"So... You need someone to archive all this stuff? Organize it? I mean, I know a
fair amount about human cultures but I'm not an expert."
"When you have the time, that would be greatly appreciated," Luna said with a
smile. "However, I wanted to show you something more... Recent."
"Recent?" I asked. Luna turned and trotted past what looked like a Persian rug
hanging off a statue of Mickey Mouse. I followed, and saw by the light of her horn
that she was headed into a tunnel. "You mean... All this stuff isn't recent?"
"This is all the stuff we have yet to definitively date," Luna explained. I
followed along through an arched hallway, into another great dark cavern. "It sits
here until we can analyze it. We have, however, put together a rough dating system
based upon when we think the artifact arrived here."
"Do you use carbon-14 dating or something like that?" I asked, my archaeology
training returning to my mind as I squinted at the dark shapes in the cavern. Luna
looked over her shoulder at me with a smile.
"No. We use a much more accurate system-Wormhole radiation exposure dating," she
said cheerfully. "As well as comparing the technology to other examples we have. At
the moment, the dating system is 'Early Human', three ages of 'Ancient Human',
'Imperial Human', 'Industrial Human', 'Post-Atomic Human' and 'Post-Digital
Human.'"
"Huh," I said, thinking it over. It was a rather alien way of defining it, but it
was also how archaeologists dated ancient peoples-By their material culture. An
Anasazi would probably find "Basketweaver" and other such terms to be equally
strange. "I see."
"What I am about to show you, is our most recent find. And the primary reason I
brought you here." She trotted over to a large, Frankenstein-style electrical
switch, and threw it. Electrical lights flared into existence above us, and I
winced.
I knew this craft... And yet, it had a lot of strange additions to it I couldn't
place. Luna trotted back to me, clearing her throat.
"Yeah... It's a... A... Dream Chaser," the name came to me at last. "It's a space
plane! It's built by a company in my home state of Colorado back on Earth! I saw it
on a museum-sponsored tour of their factory!"
"Can you tell me, precisely, what year it is from?" Luna asked. I frowned and
rubbed my chin.
"Well... It's not supposed to be flying until the year 2014... Or about two years
from when I arrived here," I said. "And there are a lot of weird things on this
one."
"Weird things? Like what?" The princess asked. I pointed up at two strange pipes
atop the dorsal side of the craft, which were sitting on either side of the tail of
the spaceplane. The pipes were bent 45 degrees towards the back of the ship, making
them look like stylized exhaust pipes on a hot rod engine.
"Ah," Luna said with a nod. "I see... What was to be the mode of power for this
craft?"
"Batteries, I think," I said. I pointed at the rocket engines. "Those were hybrid
rocket engines. They burned a kind of rubber and used... Nitrous oxide, I think,
for an oxidizer."
"So it was not intended to be an atomic spacecraft?" Luna asked. I shook my head.
Luna trotted up to the hatch of the spacecraft, and her horn glowed. The hatch
opened. I looked inside. Instead of seven seats, there was a large rounded cylinder
covered in pipes and wires in the back of the Dream Chaser. And on the end of the
cylinder was a prominent, three-lobed atomic symbol.
"It is indeed. It uses an element our science and magic is unfamiliar with.
According to the measures you gave Twilight, it is approximately two hundred and
forty one... Mass Units?"
"I think that's Americium 241," I said with a frown. Having a father who worked
with nuclear technology caused a fair amount of knowledge to rub off, though it
wasn't exactly useful until now. "It's a byproduct of nuclear fission. It's used as
a kind of atomic battery because it gives off so much heat."
"Ahh," Luna said with a nod. "That would explain the pipes-Those are radiators.
This atomic 'battery' provides electrical power to the ship through heat."
"Yeah, but why?" I asked with a frown. "Sticking this thing onto the ship doesn't
make any sense unless you needed to power something big."
"Something big... Like weapons?" Luna asked. I looked over at her with a frown.
"Er... Yeah, I guess," I said. Luna closed the hatch, and I found myself being
lifted up again over the ship as she flapped her wings and hovered over the vessel.
"Ah! Hey!"
"Please sit in the craft," Luna said, and a hatch on the back of the ship opened. I
blinked at her.
"Er... Okay... You sure there isn't any threat of radiation exposure, right?"
"The ship is well shielded against radiation," she explained. "You will be fine."
"I guess I'll take your word for it," I said dryly, as she lowered me into the
ship.
- - - - - -
When I'd seen the Dream Chaser mock up in the factory in Louiseville, the inside of
the ship had reminded me of an SUV or a mini-van: It had seven seats and space for
some special cargo, and was brightly lit and pleasant. The tour guide had told us
that was the point-The Dream Chaser was designed to be a space taxi. \
It was descended from a Soviet military spaceplane design, which NASA had made into
a proposal for a mini-space shuttle, which had again shown up as a Soviet military
spaceplane when the space shuttle was being developed (to possibly shoot down the
Shuttle if it carried nukes to use against Moscow), and now finally was back to
being a space taxi built by a private American space company.
After all, it was an atomic powered spaceship. You couldn't just start punching
buttons.
"Are you familiar with the technology?" Luna called from the top of the ship. I
nodded.
"Yeah... The interface doesn't look too different from what I've seen..." The
mockup had had a similar set up, so that meant the ship couldn't have been too far
in the future. If that was where it was from. The center panel, in between the two
seats, had altitude, orientation, other things you'd need to pilot a plane. The
screen in front of me had a similar set up, along with a few other indicators. A
significant one was MASER LOCK, which had a green icon. Negligently I pushed it,
and it turned red.
"Well, a maser is a kind of beam weapon," I said. I looked up at the windows, and I
blinked. A HUD had appeared, with a targeting cursor over the far rock wall. "I...
Guess this thing is armed with one."
"I've never seen one in action, of course, and it would serve to prove or disprove
a theory I have about the vessel," Luna said. I sighed.
"I will accept the blame. Have no fear, Andrew," Luna said in an amused voice. I
rolled my eyes.
"That's comforting," I muttered. I looked over the nearby joystick-And there was a
trigger. I looked back at the HUD, and saw the cursor was pointed at a strong
looking wall of rock. I shrugged. "Well, here goes."
I pulled the trigger... And a blast like thunder roared through the cave as the
rock wall exploded. I yelped and ducked instinctively.
"Andrew? Andrew, are you all right?" Luna called down. I slowly looked back up,
pulling my hands off of my head.
"Um... Yeah. I'm fine, fine... How are you?" I asked. Luna sighed.
"I am both impressed and somewhat disheartened," she admitted. "Behold! The fruits
of your labors!"
I looked out the forward viewport. I gaped. In the wall was a huge crater, at least
two meters across, still smoking from the blast.
"Jesus!" I yelped.
"A MASER... It seems to be a beam weapon that uses microwaves to superheat a target
and explode it," Luna said thoughtfully. She looked down through the hatch. "I'm
guessing this was not on the Dream Chaser you saw?"
"No way!" I yelped. I leaned back in the ship and looked around the cockpit. "I
mean, this thing might not even be a Dream Chaser! For all I know it's from...
From..." I stared intently at the bulkhead above me. On it was a painting: A naked,
red headed anime woman, surfing on a missile.
"You said 2014, correct?" Luna asked. I slowly nodded, and looked around the
cockpit with new eyes. The welding on the bulkhead behind me was rough. I wasn't an
engineer but I could tell a rushed job. There were stray wires all over. I swore I
could see an XBox Kinect on the control panel, jury rigged into a central computer.
I stood up and clambered out of the ship, standing up through the hatch like you
would through a sunroof on a limo. I looked up at the Princess of the Moon, who
wore a thoughtful expression. I frowned up at her.
"Like what?"
"The ship's outer covering had the remnants of paint. It was burned off. In
addition, there were various unusual isotopes in some of the hull plating, as well
as holders on the sides with scorching behind them," Luna said.
Luna's frown deepened. "We were only able to replicate them by induced nuclear
fusion and fission in some alchemic experiments..."
"This was put together... In a hurry," I mumbled. "And was built to fight... And
picked up stuff from nuclear blasts..."
"Yes Andrew Shepherd," Luna said gravely. "I believe you narrowly escaped being
caught up in a massive war on your world. A war your race used very powerful
weapons in-Your greatest, I believe." She shook her head. "Do you know of anything
that might have caused such a conflict?"
"No! Nothing... Nothing that would require atomic powered spaceships and masers and
nukes," I said, holding my forehead. I felt dizzy. I felt sick. "Either World War
III broke out, or..."
"Only other reason I can think of," I said softly. Luna bowed her head, and nuzzled
my cheek.
I took the comfort, struggling to keep it together. I... I couldn't just break. Not
here. Not when the touch of the goddess brought with it the comfort of a cool night
with thousands of stars shining above me.
"It appeared a few months ago, crashed in the northern forests," Luna explained.
"There was no one inside of it."
"It took us some time to analyze it, to understand it. We relied heavily on
Twilight's notes, but... You can understand why we waited to tell you."
"The ponies who found it would probably be better suited," Luna said. "I have been
busy with... Preparations regarding this finding."
"Preparations?"
Luna smiled darkly. "An alien spacecraft that came from a world engulfed in war? Of
course we've been preparing, Andrew Shepherd. Would you not do the same?"
"I... I guess I would," I said, seizing on it. Maybe Earth was conquered. Maybe I
was the last human being alive. Who knew?
All I knew was that the threat of something happening to Equestria focused my mind.
The princess bore a comforting smile. "The happy groom and bride to be. Captain of
the Guard Shining Armor, and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."
- - - - - -