SHERLOCK MOANS

by Michael Monkhouse

SHERLOCK HOLMES’ study.

Holmes writes at his desk, ignoring DOCTOR WATSON standing there.

WATSON Gosh Holmes, I always get so bally excited when I see you, what outrageous
antics shall we get up to this time?

HOLMES Piss off Watson, you’re fired.

WATSON I – I’m sorry?

HOLMES You heard. I got a new TV series, they don’t want you, I don’t want you, sod
off.

WATSON You’re not serious, surely?

HOLMES Of course I’m serious, I’m Sherlock Holmes, I’m hardly noted for my
whacky knockabout crazy sense of fun am I? ‘Move over Mr Bean, put that
custard pie away Stan Laurel, get yer pants back on Benny Hill, here’s
Sherlock, you’ll piss yourself for a week?’ Now sling yer ’ook, I’m busy.

WATSON But after all we’ve been through…

HOLMES What have we been through Watson? The Horror of the Deadly Man-Hunter,
I single-handedly unmasked the murderer and risked life and limb in deadly
combat while you bravely opened the door for me… The Mystery of the
Horrendous Werewolf, I alone uncovered his whereabouts and suffered its
awful pong till he returned only to be mercilessly dismantled by yours truly
while you sat there going ‘Jolly good show Holmes...’ The Curse of the
Infested Kebab, where I persisted in tracking down the fast-food villain and
burnt down his entire late-night joint while you wiped my bottom. Well I can
wipe my own bottom now guv’nor, so bugger off out of it.

WATSON I don’t understand…

HOLMES Of course you don’t understand, you’re Doctor Watson, you’re thicker than a
Pussy Cat Dolls fan at a feminist convention, whyja think we’re getting rid of
you? I mean this is just so bleedin’ British innit, the Americans have stars like
Iron Man, Superman, Spiderman, we got you: ‘Yes Holmes, no Holmes, three
bags full Holmes.’ I go ‘Watson you’re a twot,’ you go ‘Thank you
Holmes’… ‘You ain’t got a friggin’ clue mate’ – ‘That’s right Holmes…’
And you ain’t even embarrassed about it. You write about it. Publish it for
Chrissakes. ‘Today Sherlock Holmes called me a tart. The man’s a genius…’
You know, with my amazing brain I can’t believe it never occurred to me to
kick you out before.
WATSON But – who could ever replace me?

HOLMES Well I’ve been discussing that with the heads of TV, we reckon maybe
Cheryl Cole.

WATSON Is she the lady who sang ‘All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun’?

HOLMES See what I mean? We’re getting a new series, tryna attract the younger
generation. Imagine some frustrated semi-pubescent acne freak at home, more
seed down there than the Budgie Protection Brigade, does he wanna see that
well-fit sexpot sexbomb Cheryl, (sings) ‘We gotta fight fight fight fight fight
for this lurve,’ or some never-really-has-been with a pipe that went out of
fashion the day before he bought it, a haircut that makes Belsen look like
Stringfellow’s and a suit tighter than Sarah Ferguson?

WATSON Perhaps you’re right.

HOLMES Of course I’m right. I’m Sherlock Holmes.

WATSON (tearful) Then – goodbye Holmes.

HOLMES See you mate.

WATSON You’re – special.

HOLMES I know.

WATSON Yes you know. You know all. You’re – Sherlock Holmes.

Watson starts to leave, disconsolate.

HOLMES Watson?

WATSON Yes Sir?

HOLMES I’m joking.

WATSON No – oh you fiend Holmes! How could you…?

HOLMES It’s a new series, we’re trying to lighten things up a bit. I had you going there
didn’t I?

WATSON You certainly did Holmes.

HOLMES Now you toodle off and do my shopping, sort my files out – no messing it up
or I’ll set the Hound of the Baskervilles on you – basically just debase
yourself like a doormat before my gargantuan brain and we’ll all be happy.

WATSON Right away Holmes.

HOLMES Elementary, eh?

WATSON Holmes I love you. (leaves)

HOLMES What a tosser.

Michael Monkhouse
17 Birling Avenue
Rainham
Kent ME8 7EY.
tel. +39-347-9630123
Email gizmokettles@hotmail.com