9B GTW Term Three

Unit 17
May 24, 2022
Feedback for Unit 16
● Some stories too short for marking
● Some stories more like a report of an incident or a crime, or a
reflection
● Some stories too flat
○ No climax
○ No tension building up
○ No suspense / surprise / twist (resolution and ending
expected)
● Some stories too explanatory
Beneath the Cracks by Disney Nicole
● Who: Me old with a limp and a kid, beggars and street
sleepers
● When: A cold winter
● Where (setting the scene): An alley
● Where (later in the story): A fast food joint, another alley, a
large metal box protruding from the back of the brick building
emitting steam (my favourite place to sleep)
● When setting the scene, who, when and where should be
described.
Beneath the Cracks by Disney Nicole
● Problems: no money, no food, no proper clothes to keep
warm, being sick, no proper place to sleep
● A mystery: Did they have tomato soup?
● Climax:
○ The kid is sick a lot as he is always cold.
○ The kid doesn’t have a place to stay inside, not even a
sleeping bag.
● Resolution and ending: I gave my spot - a metal box, a dry
cleaner smelling like laundry to the kid to stay pretty warm.
Showing not telling
● Telling: “I don’t have any money,” I say. “Me either.”
● Showing:
○ My jeans, empty. My coat, empty.
○ I look down the alley, willing the sandwich to show itself, but it isn’t
there.
○ My stomach rolls and pulls like it’s mad at me.
○ His pants are too long for him by a foot, and the extra fabric is dark
and soaked from dragging under his feet.
○ I can tell I stink from the people trying to sneak glances over cold
shoulders. The employees are already eyeing us when we’re still
three back in line. They’re all uncomfortable. They don’t want to see
this kind of life, not up close and dripping in the lobby.
Planting seeds
● They are homeless, feel wet and cold.
○ …home, anywhere and nowhere.
○ Alleys are one of the few places people might actually
leave you alone, but they’re somehow always wet. Wet
with snow, wet from storm drains, wet with dumpster
leakage, and no matter how many layers you wear,
eventually it seeps through and sinks its rotten breath
into your flesh.
Planting seeds
● The kid is sick.
○ (In the fast food joint) The kid falls into a fit of sneezes,
one right after the other, controlled puffs of air giving way
to a loud, full-body sneeze that bends him over. He wipes
his nose on his sleeve and looks ahead like nothing
happened.
Making contrasts
● His face is stained with splashes of black slush from city streets,
but it makes his smile flash like diamonds.
● …diamond grin.
● …steaming / sweating Styrofoam cups.
● …turning water to wine.
● The burn strikes me like a hissing tongue.
● His big brown eyes are specked with hazel and wonder.
● I can’t remember the last time I smiled. It feels like my face is
tugging under a mask of plastic wrap when the urge strikes me.
● He stares at me expectantly.
● …hopeful anticipation.
● He lights up…
 Trapped
in the
Air

Booklet p.17
Booklet p.17
Booklet pp.19-21
Writing Practice - Unit 17
● Give a title to your story.
● Use “show, not tell” to set the scene - who, when, where, and
characters.
● Include a big fight in the climax, and build up the tension.
● Plant seeds to come in the end.

Booklet pp.19-21
Narrative Techniques
● Show, not tell
● Use your senses (see, hear, taste, smell, touch)
● Use direct speech (dialogues)
● Ask a rhetorical question
● Address the reader directly
● Refer to your feelings or moods
● Use a variety of adjectives, adverbs, or verbs
● Use similes
● Use present or past participles
● Use time phrases to link events

Booklet pp.9, 16, 23

Assignment
Writing Practice (Unit 17) (pages 19-21)

Due: May 26, 2022 (Thursday)