DON’T DROP THE SOAP

Prison Life Hacks, Prison Slang, Prison

Food Recipes, Prison Workouts, and
More!

THE WILDEST $#*! ABOUT PRISON

YOU CAN’T LEARN ON NETFLIX

ANDREW MEDAL
 Copyright © 2019 Andrew Medal
All Rights Reserved.
Punk The Internet > http://punktheinternet.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system
without prior written permission of the author. The following is a work of
entertainment. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely
coincidental, or used in the form of parody. Although this book is based on
actual events, all names, dates, and locations have been changed to preserve
the privacy of the participants.
Publisher: Andrew Medal Media
Marketing Agency: Punk The Internet
ISBN: 978-0-692-06266-1
Printed in the United States of America
0123456789
 Acknowledgments
To all of the hardened ex-convicts I’ve met
along my journey — Stay up.

To Russ and anyone else suffering from

incarcerophobia — Stay out.
To my sexy wife, Danielle, thanks for the
unconditional support, love, and book title
— Stay down.
 TABLE OF CONTENTS
MY PRISON KITE
The Serious Stuff
INMATE #1069108 CONFESSION
Prison Welcome Note
SECTION 1: PRISON SLANG
76 Slang Terms
SECTION 2: PRISON LIFE
Prison Politics
SECTION 3: PRISON LIFE HACKS
40 Life Hacks
Section 4: Prison Tattoos
23 Tattoos and Their Meanings
SECTION 5: PRISON FOOD RECIPES
10 Recipes
SECTION 6: PRISON BODY WEIGHT WORKOUTS
Workout Rules & Routines
SECTION 7: HOW WOULD YOU FARE IN PRISON?
Flow Chart
SECTION 8: PAROLE DATE
Conclusion
Special Thanks
 MY PRISON KITE
Don’t ever take yourself too seriously in life. The moment you do, it will
punch you square in the face. It’s happened to me many times (especially
when I was younger), but no time was as brutal as when I was sentenced to
prison for violating my probation for a speeding ticket and traveling out of
state without approval from my probation officer. I was flying as high as a
kite on top of the world months before prison, free on the streets, building
big businesses, making power moves, and living a glorious life. But it all
came crashing down (yeah, just like when Leo was playing Jordan Belfort
in Wolf of Wall Street), when that gavel slammed and the judge pronounced
my sentence, “Two to five years in the Nevada State Penitentiary.”
‘‘Scuse me the what ?”
Speaking of kites, Kite is one of the most popular terms you’ll hear
running your happy ass around a prison yard, but a kite in prison is not a
literal term. Unfortunately, you won’t see a bunch of convicts hanging out
in prison, whistling Happy by Pharrell, and flying blue and green caterpillar
kites on the prison yard. Although, somebody should write the Department
of Justice  and see if that can happen because it would indefinitely cut down
on prison riots. Even Conor McGregor couldn’t look tough flying a heart
shaped kite high in the prison yard sky .
The slang word kite (or wila in Spanish) refers to a letter or note
written between inmates used as a way to communicate in the joint. In the
literal sense it is like inmates passing notes in school. Kites are utilized by
inmates as a means of undetected communication between one another that
are written on small pieces of paper, folded, and sometimes even sealed by
a plastic wrapper taken from their brown bag lunches. Sometimes they take
the shape of a small kite, thus the name. Correctional officers have
confiscated kites written with urine so that the words could only be seen
under a certain type of light.
Kites are passed between inmates until they reach their intended
recipient. It is a way for you to communicate outside of your exact
proximity because as you can imagine, you don't have a whole lot of
proximity in a eight-by-ten-foot prison cell.
Kites are typically hidden in an inmate’s prison blues, their prison
uniform, waistband or in their socks. Sometimes the message is as simple
and insignificant as a friend saying “Hi” to another friend who is assigned
to a different unit or as serious and dangerous as a shot caller green lighting
another inmate to his gang .
In traditional prison fashion, as you begin your read bid, I will start
off by sharing this important message via this prison book kite.
This book is for entertainment purposes, and although the content is
true and real, the reason I wrote this book is to bring awareness to the need
for prison reform. Without question, we have one of the most effective legal
systems in the world. My opinion comes from comparing other places
where if you’re found guilty of stealing bread your hand is chopped off.
Yet, there are 2.2 million people in the nation’s prisons and jails which is a
five hundred percent increase over the last forty years. We still have issues
that need to be resolved, big issues like the fact that private prisons are for-
profit businesses that generate more revenue the more inmates that are
housed in their cells, and a judicial system that incarcerates innocent
people. These are massive and complex problems that will need bipartisan
political support, lots of resources and ingenuity to even scratch the surface.
More importantly, I wrote this book so that I could share my latest
initiative called Street Smarter. Street Smarter is focused on youth
development and gang reduction, adult and juvenile anti-recidivism, job
creation and economic development through tech training, skill
development, and venture investment .
Street Smarter Has Three Core Programs:
1. Prison Pitch Competition: The program is an in-prison reentry,
job skills training, and anti-recidivism program focused directly
in the prison system.

2. Coding-4-Community: Starting with local communities in

Southern California, we’ve created a one-day training program
that teaches youth and adults how to build a website in one day. 

3. Restart Fund: The first and only early-stage investment fund for
felon founders. We only invest in businesses that have been
started or created by ex-felons.
 For additional information on my program, please visit
StreetSmarter.co .
On a side note, if you want to learn about the more serious business,
leadership, and life lessons that can be taught from a prison cell, keep your
eyes open for my next books, aptly titled Hard Knock Hustle and Shot
Callin’ From the Cell Block to the C-Suite, both show how the world of
gritty prison hustlers and high powered executives have more in common
than Hollywood has ever imagined. And, by no means is this book an
exhaustive prison resource, there are thousands of variables I didn’t cover.
So keep your eyes open for Don’t Drop the Soap Part Deux. Plus, you can
find everything you need about future book launches and what I’m up to on
my personal website at AndrewMedal.com.
For now, kick back in your Gucci slippers and Yves Saint Laurent
robe and enjoy the lighter side of prison because you’re about to learn how
to speak like a convict, live like a convict, cook like a convict, and work out
like a convict, all without having to set foot inside a courtroom or a prison
cell. Enjoy your time, Fish.
 INMATE #1069108 CONFESSION
First things first: My name is Andrew Medal and I wrote this book so you
could stop watching all those reruns of Orange is the New Black and
Lockup Raw . But, who am I, and do I have any street cred to write a book
about prison?
Well, if good looks, muscles, and raw talent could kill, then I’d be
sitting on death row right now. But this book isn’t just about my rugged sex
appeal.
Who am I? I’m an entrepreneur who has built multiple multi-
million-dollar companies, including an eight-figure business by the age of
twenty-four. My voice hits fifty million people per month. I have an
acclaimed video show on Entrepreneur ’s fifteen million monthly
viewership network where I travel the world and interview other successful
entrepreneurs. I just signed a contract with SiriusXM Radio to host a show
on prison reform on their thirty-five million listener platform. My wife is
hot. We travel the world and we  do all sorts of other awesome shit like ice
cream socials and underwater tango. Of course, it’s a thing; look it up.
I’m also an ex-convict with a rap sheet longer than any of your
favorite rappers’ criminal records including the homie Meek Mill.
In 2011, I violated my probation because of a speeding ticket and I
traveled out of state without a permit from my probation officer and was
sentenced to two to five years in prison. I was shackled from head to toe
and transported like a fugitive across five state borders. Yes, I looked like
Nicholas Cage in Con Air .
After being sentenced, I enjoyed a quaint vacation over two glorious
years in maximum and eventually minimum-security prison in Nevada.
That’s 17,531 hours in a cell in the middle of the fucking desert. I lived it
up during my sixty days in solitary confinement, participated in multiple
prison riots, and survived unfathomable prison living conditions my entire
beloved prison stay. Don’t you worry, I’ll get into more of this in later
chapters and you’ll learn about all of it.
While running amuck as a teenager, I spent another six-and-a-half
years in and out of institutions from San Diego to Ventura. I’ve been
arrested for everything under the sun, including drug sales, multiple DUIs,
possession of stolen property, grand theft, assaults, breaking house arrest,
conspiracy to commit crimes, probation violations, and gun possessions. At
one point, I was ticketed for jaywalking and got a DUI the morning after I
drank. If that’s not criminal level expert, I don’t know what is.
Let’s get something straight though. I’m a White boy from the
‘Burbs.’ I stopped drinking five years ago and frequently attend church
social gatherings in a buttoned-up Polo shirt. I’m neither a gangster nor a
thug, and I’ve never claimed to be. There are millions of dudes and women
who have done far more time than me, committed more serious crimes than
me, and who are still locked up sitting in a cell until the day they die. Sadly,
this is the reality of the prison system.
My story is simple. I grew up during the 90s in SoCal watching
movies like KIDS, Friday, and Scarface with ambitions to become a drug
kingpin to rescue my Mom, sisters and brother from the poverty in which
we lived. I witnessed Tupac spitting on cops with Sublime banging through
my boom box as I skateboarded around town. I learned the street code at an
early age like Hussle always preached (RIP to the Great #longlivenipsey).
I’ve never enjoyed authority or rules which is why I love being an
entrepreneur. With no real male role model and little supervision in my life,
I turned into a modern-day, gun-toting, renegade drug-dealin’ White boy
from the ‘Burbs.’
So where does that leave us? As you can probably guess, I ended up
in prison. While there, I learned prison slang that not even Tim Ferriss
could learn in four hours, prison life hacks Joe Rogan only dreams about in
a looped-out state on ayahuasca, and witnessed hustles Jay-Z couldn’t find
on any Marcy Project street corner. All of this and more is the stuff I’m
sharing in this book.
Imagine being put in an eight-by-ten cement room the size of a gas
station bathroom with no access to the internet, phones, or clocks. It is only
you and a number two dull golf pencil and your mind left with a million
thoughts.
You can't leave that cell and you’re remanded to stay there all
through the day and night. Your mind is all you have. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Minutes stand still as time ticks away outside of the confinement. What's
your move, MacGyver? How long would you last? One day, two days, two
weeks, two months? How about two years? What the fuck are you going to
do all day?
 I read and wrote every day I was locked up. Those two thousand and
five hundred burpees in two hours were child's play. I spent my time wisely
and I learned how to speak and write Korean, I taught myself computer
programming through textbooks, and became infatuated with world history,
physics, and neuroscience. I even wrote my first book, but not this
masterpiece.
Now, that’s all fine and dandy, but it gets even better. I learned how
to create a tattoo machine with a Walkman motor and charger, a pen case,
and a guitar string. Kurt Cobain would be surprised how many guitar strings
are floating around the clink and the uses for them are endless. I learned
how to use toothpaste as cement, how to melt a pen into a screwdriver, and
how to start a fire with a paperclip and an electrical outlet. I programmed
the toughest prison workouts that even The Rock couldn’t endure and
concocted prison food recipes that Matty Matheson would envy.
After being released from the joint, I had an undeniable confidence
us ex-convicts call “Prison Swagger.” It made me mentally tough as nails
where I can confidently say, “Move that ass over, Jocko.” Bootstrapping a
business from the ground up and dealing with a client complaining about a
missed deadline are far less draining after you’ve shared a cell with
someone who lit a cabbie on fire and endured prison riots with people
trying to shank you to death.
The experience taught me to adapt and embrace uncertainty,
persevere through any obstacle, and leverage resources to live like a street
kingpin all of which, when harnessed properly, translated to everyday
success. The hardest and most mentally tough people live in prison, and
once you get through your bid, you get out feeling anything is possible .
So hold tight onto that can of Red Bull and Tinder hookup because
you’re about to get your “Prison and Chill” on. Do you want to look like an
impressive motherfucker with all the skills needed to make it in life, get you
laid, make billions of dollars and travel ‘round’ the world? Well then, you
should probably read Tony Robbins, Robert Greene or some shit, but if you
want to learn how to make a makeshift lighter out of an aluminum gum
wrapper and a AA battery, then this is the book for you, mi amigo !
Luckily, you can let these prison hacks empower you to live an
audacious and bold life, full of cool and unfathomable shit primarily
because you’re free and not confined to living in a cell the size of a donkey
stable.
 So enjoy this book, the hacks, and all the awesome stuff you can
learn without setting foot in the joint—because prison still totally fucking
sucks .

Andrew Medal
Inmate #1069108
 SECTION 1: PRISON SLANG
If you’ve never heard it, prison slang probably sounds like Yiddish. I don’t
care how many books you’ve read or how many episodes of Prison Break
you’ve binge-watched on Netflix, these words spring only from one place
in the world -- mutha fuckin’ prison.
Prison slang is more than lingo; it’s a language. It’s a way for
convicts to communicate with each other and to create something that is
their own. Plus, it’s a way to communicate without the guards knowing
what you’re saying.
Being locked up in a cage is surreal, and so is the language that
describes it. As a fish going into prison, understanding prison slang is the
first step of your convict life.
So read up and no ear hustling. Oh, and a word of advice, don’t eat
the yard bird.
Here are seventy-six common prison slang terms that will teach you
how to talk like a hardened convict.
1.      AB - Aryan Brotherhood. Also known as the Brand or the AB, this
is a white prison gang and organized crime syndicate in the United
States with an estimated 15,000 to 20,000 members in and out of
prison.
2.       All day - A life sentence.
3.      All day and a night - A life sentence without parole. Yep, that’s one
long damn day.
4.      Backdoor parole - To die in prison. It means you got out one way or
another, right?
5.       Bats - Cigarettes.
6.      Beef - 1. A criminal charge. 2. An issue with a fellow convict that
leads to conflict  which occurs typically a fight in the blind spot.
7.       Bid - Your prison sentence.
8.      Binky - A homemade syringe that consists of a pen case, an
eyedropper, and a guitar string. A binky is used to slam dope in the
 joint.
9.      Blind spot - An area in prison where the cameras and guards cannot
see. This is often an area where shit goes down. Also known as “being
in the cut.”
10. Blues - How guards and inmates refer to their state-issued prison
clothing. For example: “Inmate #9484, go get your blues from the
laundry.” 
11. Brake fluid - Psychiatric medication.
12. Books - 1. A book of stamps, which can be used as currency in most
prisons. 2. An inmate’s trust account, held by the state for purchases
on commissary. For example: “Monster’s girl put a bunch of cash on
his books. He’s got tonight’s spread.”
13. Bubble - In the middle of each housing unit in most county jails and
prisons, the guards have a plexiglass room where they control the four
units and can see each unit for three hundred and sixty degrees. This
is the bubble; and you try your darndest to say away from it at all
times.
14. Bug - An untrustworthy or unreliable prison staff member. Don’t get
too close to a bug.
15. Bug juice - Depressive drugs or intoxicants.
16. Buck Rogers time - A release date so far into the distant future that it
doesn’t feel like a reality.
17. Cadillac: 1. An inmate’s bunk. 2. Cadillac job: a work assignment
that is either easy or that inmates enjoy doing. 3. A tool that can be
flung under an inmate’s cell door into another’s cell door to give
items or kites. It is usually created out of some sort of plastic bag or
bed sheet converted into rope and a coffee bag.
18. Catching the chain - When an inmate leaves county jail and goes to
prison. The chain is the ankle and wrist handcuffs that ties every
inmate on that bus together in one family-style congo line.
19. Cell warrior - An inmate who runs his mouth without any action to
back it up. Inside his cell, when he’s locked up and nobody can get to
 him, he talks a lot of trash. Outside of his cell, when everyone can get
to him, he acts like a coward or avoids conflict.
20. Cellie - Your prison roommate. The person you share your cell with.
21. Chomo - Abbreviated slang term for “child molester.” You don't
want to be a chomo in general population state prison because you
will get beaten up or stabbed.
22. Chow hall - The cafeteria area where all inmates eat.
23.  Commissary - Also known as the Canteen, a store within a
correctional facility where inmates can purchase products such as
hygiene items, snacks, and writing instruments. This is an inmate’s
lifeblood for a comfortable prison stay, and it requires real money to
get these items. That money can be put on your books or earned while
in prison through a prison job or a prison hustle where you sell a
product or a service that fellow inmates can barter commissary for.
Note: you’ll see a lot of items in the Prison Food Recipe section that
require items bought in the store.
24. Compound - The entire prison. For example: “You heard Monster
has the keys to the compound, right?”
25. Convict chucks - Skimpy, state-issued prison shoes. Also called
“Bobos,” “Kung Fu shoes,” and “Skippies.”
 
26. Cowboy - Cowboy backward is “yobwoc.” This is an acronym for a
“young, obnoxious bastard we often con.” A cowboy is a new guard
the Inmates will inevitably fuck with.
27. Dance on the blacktop - A dance on the blacktop is not an actual
dance. It’s when somebody gets stabbed on the yard.
28. Doing the dutch - To kill yourself while in prison. Unfortunately,
this happens far too often, especially in supermax facilities.
29. Dotted up - Having tattoos.
30. Dry snitching - To snitch indirectly by talking in an excessively loud
voice, drawing attention from the guards, or offering some
information but no names.
31. Ear hustling - When an inmate enters a conversation he isn’t actually
a part of and isn’t welcomed into.
32. Fifi - Prevalent within death row inmates, a hands-free masturbation
device made up of a dirty old sock, vaseline (or toothpaste, if not
available) a toilet paper tube (if available), wedged firmly between a
prison rack mattress.
33. Fire on the line - A way to warn other inmates that there’s a guard in
the immediate vicinity.
34. Fish tank - The reception area where all the new inmates who have
just caught the chain are processed.
35. Four-piece suit - When you’re wearing a complete set of restraints,
including handcuffs, leg irons, waist chains, and security boxes,
you’re wearing a four-piece suit.
36. Fresh fish - New inmates who have just hit the yard. Also called fish.
37. Frequent flier - A habitual criminal; someone who finds himself in
prison again and again.
38. Grandma’s house - Where a prison gang meets, or the cell where the
gang leader lives.
39. Heat wave - When one group of inmates faces increased scrutiny as a
result of only a few individuals. For example: “If someone gets
caught with contraband, the whole crew could face a heat wave.”
40. Hold your mud - When you’re facing punishment or violence for
withholding information, but you still don’t snitch.
41. Holds the keys - Whoever holds the keys is the shot caller for that
prison yard.
42. Hoop it - Yup, exactly what you thought. Up the butt it goes. Inmates
do, in fact, smuggle things this way. Also referred to as “Keister It.”
43. House mouse - This is a position in the C-suite of the prison
executive management team. This inmate is in charge of cleaning the
prison tier, distributing commissary slips, and communicating with
the deputies about the inmates’ needs.
44. In the car - To be a part of a plan or part of a group.
45. Jacket - 1. Your legal rap sheet and record. 2. Your reputation among
your fellow inmates.
46. Jack mack - A common prison staple. It’s canned fish, usually
mackerel, available for purchase from commissary. While some
inmates cook with it, others leave the can unopened in a sock to use as
a club during race riots.
47. Jackrabbit parole - To escape from a facility.
48. Joint -  Also known as pen, penitentiary, slammer, ice box, stoney
lonesome, bucket, big house, rock, cooler, sneezer, pokey, country
club, extended vacation, clink and, you guessed it, prison.
49. Juice card - An inmate’s influence with guards or other Inmates that
allows preferential treatment. For example: “He should have gone to
the hole for that, but he’s got a juice card with one of the guards.”
50. Kickstand - A life sentence. Kickstand comes from the fact that the
“L” in life sentence looks like a kickstand. 
51. Kite - Pieces of paper folded up into tiny squares, wrapped in plastic,
and sealed. The goal is to fold them so small that they can be hidden
in an inmate’s sock or the waistband of his pants. A kite can be a
simple “what’s up” letter to a friend or super confidential orders
provided by a shot caller to his lieutenant. 
52. Moe - A name for a homosexual in prison.
53. Monkey mouth - A prisoner who talks a lot about nothing.
54. Ninja turtles - When guards come in wearing full riot gear.
55. OG - An “original gangster;” a label of respect given to an older
inmate who has been in the prison system for a long time.
56. Peckerwood - An unaffiliated prison-based gang that coalesced into
its own group from the Aryan Brotherhood.
57. Pop a socket - A method of lighting fire using tissue, a paper clip or
staple, a plastic comb, and an electrical outlet. Commonly used in
prisons where smoking cigarettes, or meth, is prohibited. The way to
do this involves an electric socket and everything you were ever told
 not to do with it. Stick a pencil and a wire up to the socket, making a
spark. You can put paper against that spark, and then you have fire.
58. Pop it off - To start a race riot.
59. Porcelain termite - One of those Inmates who can’t control his
temper, so he breaks his own toilet and sink when he gets upset.
60. Protective custody - A segregated yard for informants, child
molesters, ex-gang members, or anyone else who cannot live in the
prison’s general population. Also called going “PC.”
61. Programmer - A prison nerd, but not a bad person to be. Someone
who wants to improve his life while in prison and thus spends time
taking classes and getting smarter and shit.
62. PSI (Pre-Sentence Investigation Report) - A report done by the
court system and probation before you're sentenced. It includes your
previous rap sheet and current charges. It will also include if you’ve
cooperated with the cops or snitched on anyone. If you did, you're
fucked, because in every yard you go to, you have to bring your
papers and show the shot caller. And if you're a snitch, rapist, or
chomo, you're probably going to find yourself on the opposite side of
a Jolly Rancher shank (see “weaponry” section below).  
63. Rabbit - 1. A prisoner who really wants to escape. 2. A guy who has
already tried to escape.
64. Rig - A needle typically reserved for slamming dope (meth, heroin,
whatever).
65. Right-hand man - The second in command and part of the prison
politics C-Suite. The right-hand man is like the Vice President to the
shot caller.
66. Road dawg - Your main boy; the guy who helps you get all your shit
done. Maybe you don’t trust a lot of people in prison, and for good
reason, but he’s your guy.
67. Roadkill - Tobacco picked up by cigarette scavengers. The prison
work crew find these old butts on the roadside, so they bring them
back to the facility to re-roll in toilet paper and smoke. This sounds
 gross, but roadkill also sounds gross until you’re starving. Then it’s
not that bad.
68. SHU - In the U.S. prison system, solitary confinement is known as
the “Special Housing Unit (SHU),” pronounced like "shoe."
69. Shot caller - This motherfucker is someone you respect. Usually,
he’s a life sentence kind of guy. He’s feared and respected by the
inmates and even by the guards. He will fight for his status if he has
to, and he runs the yard. Prison politics are dictated by a C-suite type
of executive management team including the shot caller, the right-
hand man, and the house mouse. There can be multiple teams on each
yard, and usually a main shot caller who holds the keys to the entire
prison.
70. Shower shark - A homosexual inmate who hangs around the
showers so he can either try to get some booty or just to peter gaze. 
71. Snipers - The really diligent (and desperate) of the roadkill hunters.
The guy who follows the guards around like a nicotine-addicted
puppy until they drop snubbed-out cigarettes or spit chew onto the
ground.
72. Stainless-steel ride - The end of the green mile: no pardon, no going
back. It’s the end of death row. It’s the death sentence fully realized.
Yep, it’s slang for lethal injection.
73. Wolf tickets - If you’re selling wolf tickets, it means you’re running
your mouth and talking a lot of shit without backing that shit up. You
might say you will, but everyone knows you won’t; you’re “just
selling wolf tickets.”
74. Wood - One white guy in prison. A whole group of white guys is
called a “woodpile.”
75. Write-up - A written disciplinary action. Too many write-ups and
your ass goes to the hole.
 SECTION 2: PRISON LIFE
Stepping into prison is like setting foot back into the 1800s. There's no
Internet or smartphones, and the racial segregation that would make Jim
Crow blush. Meaning if you’re a White dude, you only associate with
White dudes. If you’re a Black dude, you only associate with Black dudes.
If you’re a Mexican dude, you only associate with Mexican dudes, and so
on. There are designated showers for each race, designated sitting areas,
and designated places on the yard.
Why? Because this has become the easiest and most practical way to
keep order. If a White guy steps out of line and violate the prison rules
(politics) that the inmates follow, then his race puts him in check. If there
continues to be an issue, the result is a riot that brings things back to order.
In prison you have zero freedom, lack modern luxuries, and you
don’t have shit coming to you. So, what’s the plan?
Here are some general things you need to know before you start
your prison bid.
 
FEDERAL PRISON VS. STATE PRISON
There are some major differences between federal prison and state prison.
Federal vs. State Matchup
●        Federal: Internet. State: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
●        Federal: Golf course. State: Concrete asphalt.
●        Federal: Tennis court. State: How about burpees?
●       Federal: Good food. State: The boxes are literally labeled “Not for
human consumption.” Go ahead and fact check me on this; it’s true.
●        Federal: Celebrity inmates. State: Not a fucking chance.
I’m not bad-mouthing federal prison or the inmates who have done
their time there. In fact, federal is typically reserved for big crime leaders
and anyone who has been convicted under the RICO Act, which typically
makes them a somebody in the underworld. I know countless people who
have been to federal prison and thoroughly respect the ones I know. There
are hordes of famous convicts who did their time at federal prisons all over
the country, from Al Capone to Machine Gun Kelly to Whitey Bulger. I’m
not talking about the white rapper who stuck it to Em in the 2018 rap battle.
I’m talking about the real mobster Machine Gun Kelly who served a prison
sentence at Alcatraz in the 1930s .
Personally, I know plenty of people who have done their time in the
“feds” and being locked up is being locked up no matter where you are.
Federal inmates typically have to do ninety to ninety-five percent of their
time too which sucks compared to state inmates who can earn good time
and work time to reduce their sentences. What I am saying is that in state
prison, you have nothing coming. There’s no Internet, no golf course and no
extra amenities; you get three hots and a cot. If you don’t have any money
on your books or don’t have support on the outside, you’re going to be
hard-pressed; and unless you have a juice card or a lucrative prison side
hustle, you’re going to be slumming it.
For the context of this book, we’re going to be talking about state
prison.

PRISON POLITICS
Inmates run prisons.
Prison politics are the invisible rules that the inmates have created.
Every state, every facility, and every prison yard is different. But most, if
not all, have some form of prison politics that govern the inmates living on
the yards.
Inmates form race-based groups called "CARs." CAR stands for
Classification According to Race. The CAR system is an inmate-generated
hierarchy divided along racial lines that has existed since the 1950s. It’s
present in pretty much every prison across the country.
There are five main CARs in prison (as labeled in prison): the
Woods, the Paisanos, the Southsiders or Northeños (depending on where
you are locked up in the country), the Blacks, and the Others. The Woods
are the Caucasian inmates, the Paisanos are the Mexican National inmates,
and the Southsiders are the Hispanic-American inmates who are associated
with one of the Sureños affiliated gangs. Northeños are Mexican gang
members associated with northern California gangs, whereas Southsiders
are affiliated with southern California gangs. The Blacks are anyone with
black skin color. Different gangs will run with the Blacks CAR and form
alliances while in prison. Street beef is still dealt with on an individual
basis, and the Others CAR is typically Asian and islander inmates.
 Each CAR has a leader, or a shot caller, a second in command, or a
right-hand man, enforcer, or a torpedo, and a person that runs around and
takes care of the house, the house mouse. There’s also a house mouse for
the entire barracks who is in charge of cleaning the barracks, distributing
commissary slips and communicating with the deputies about the barrack's
needs.
The shot caller and the right-hand man are responsible for
determining which inmates are disciplined or taxed, a form of punishment
that includes assaults, cleaning duties, squats or providing items from the
commissary. The shot caller uses torpedoes to carry out taxings. It’s prison
politics for inmates to beat up other inmates with sensitive charges, such as
child molesters (Chesters) and snitches (Rats).
Each CAR polices its own CAR and ensures the other inmates
follow the prison politics. When an inmate steps out of line, his CAR puts
him back in line by either a warning or taxing, depending on how many
times that inmate has messed up. When there are issues between races, the
shot callers and right-hand men meet and work on a resolution. If there’s no
resolution, they will start a riot against one another.
Correction Officers (C/Os) are trained to treat all inmates equally,
but because of the number of inmates, C/Os sometimes lean on the shot
callers to control the inmates. The general population inmates do not always
follow the C/O's orders, but sometimes fear the shot callers and listen to
their leaders.

MYTH VS. REALITY

Thanks to Hollywood’s dramatization, most law-abiding citizens have no
real idea about what goes on in the system. Here’s a short list of the
questions I inevitably get anytime anyone finds out that I’ve been to prison:
Do you have to join a gang? Nope, but you can if you’d like. Depending on
your race, you can choose what gang you want to put in work for. If you’re
white, you’ll probably want to jump in with the Skinheads or Aryan
Brotherhood. If you’re Black, you can join The Black Guerilla Family, and
if you’re Mexican you can roll with the Southsiders if you’re in Southern
California (as that’s where their gang is most prevalent). 
Are there conjugal visits? There used to be a lot more of them when prisons
were more corrupt. Conjugal visits may appear prominently in movie plots,
but they’re hardly ever allowed in real life. Only four states currently allow
conjugal visits, otherwise known as “extended family visits,” and these
visits don’t exist at all in the federal prison system. The states that allow
them are California, Connecticut, New York and Washington, but the
chances of you, or anyone you know, being eligible or getting a conjugal
visit are slim to none.
Are there weights? Some prisons still have weight piles, but most have
removed barbells and dumbbells for the safety of the guards. If the
criminals get too big and strong, the guards have a tough time controlling
the masses. Prisons with weight piles have been scrutinized by the public as
creating super-criminals which is part true and part ridiculous. Regardless,
most prisons still have pull-up and dip bars, and inmates regularly engage in
race-based group burpees, push-ups, and air squats.
Do you have to fight? Yeah, sometimes. Check Section 8: How Would You
Fare in Prison?
Are there race riots? Yes. Even in firecamps. A firecamp is a minimum-
security prison where inmates can earn work credits and days off of their
sentence by fighting fires on the frontline and in minimum-security prisons
you’re going to have races and people who don’t get along. If all the
compromises and agreements have been broken, the final solution is to riot.
What happens if you actually drop the soap? Contrary to popular belief, not
everyone gets butt raped in prison. Sure, it happens. But most of the time it
happens due to prison politics and is used as a punishment for fucked-up
things. When it does happen, it’s a way for certain male inmates to enforce
their power, to punish people who have crossed them, or to collect debts
owed by fellow inmates. In reality, for the vast majority of inmates, there is
little risk of becoming a victim as long as they stay clear of drugs, gang life,
gambling, and running up debts they can’t pay. However, in the unfortunate
event that you do end up in prison, it’s good practice to put your soap on a
rope, just in case.
SECTION 3: PRISON LIFE HACKS
Smoking. Drinking. Drugs. Tattoos. These are all bad habits that are still
pretty easy to maintain behind bars. While we could all use our time as an
opportunity to bask in self-improvement, emerging from our cells as cleaner
and healthier versions of ourselves, this is not typically the reality. If
anything, our vices flourish in prison because the whole place sucks. It’s
actually easier to get a bag of dope in prison than it is on the street.
If they’re trying to keep us clean, they need to give us alternative
forms of entertainment and something to live for, or the recidivism rate will
keep climbing.

HACKS THAT ALLOW YOU TO MAINTAIN

YOUR VICES
Putting us behind bars with barely any distractions only makes us look for
ways to distract ourselves; and while that might include reading Moby Dick
cover-to-cover in one sitting, Captain Ahab provides only so much
entertainment. So we maintain our vices even if they take on a unique form.
Maybe you can’t buy liquor from a commissary and maybe you
can’t buy a shot of heroin as easily as you would on the street, actually, yes,
you can; but this doesn’t mean that Inmates don’t smoke, drink, slam dope,
or get inked up. Behind bars, life goes on; even those parts of life that led us
to prison in the first place.
Hack #1 - Need to Smuggle Something?
The prison guards try their best to keep inmates from doing it. But the
reality is that it happens. A lot, and of course it does; how else would all
that good dope be floating around? Just for some clarification, guards
smuggle for inmates, visitors smuggle, and even some fucking prison staff
will smuggle in items.
Within the prison walls, smuggling is an absolute necessity. It can be
a legitimate business for inmates and a way to get what you need but don’t
have in your cell. It can be risky; so you need to make sure that there’s a
way to hide your loot well.
 Where’s the best place to hide your valuables? Not where you’re
thinking, although men and women do it on the daily in prison. The first
thing people think of when they hear about Inmates bringing contraband
inside is they hide it in places where the sun don’t really shine; but let’s be
real, guards think of that right away and make you get butt naked, bend
over, and cough. By the way, that’s not the best experience or the best way
to keep something hidden and they don’t always think of all the other
available spaces in your body, like your face.
You can hide things in nearly every available orifice including your
nostrils and your throat. Some inmates tie floss to their molars and swallow
their smuggled goods down their throats. It’s not glamorous, but smuggling
never is.
Life Ti p : This method could come in handy the next time you’re leaving
that T-Swift concert, get pulled over for merging into the wrong lane, and
you happen to have a gigantic bag of cocaine in your pocket. Just make sure
to keep that dental floss nearby.
Perhaps the best way to hide something is in your hair. It won’t mess
with your sinuses the way shoving something up your nose, and it won’t hit
your gag reflex like anything in your throat might. You have to have a lot of
hair in order for this to work and in prison you’re not supposed to have a lot
of hair.
There is a way around this if you’re a Rastafarian. If you’re
registered as a Rastafarian, you’re allowed to grow and maintain dreadlocks
for religious reasons. These luscious locks can hold all sorts of contraband.
Unfortunately, it only works if you’re sporting dreads for religious reasons.
Nobody likes a scrawny White kid with meaningless hippie dreads, so don’t
even try that shit if that’s what you’re thinking.
Hack #2 - Need a Light?
You can’t buy lighters on commissary, but you can still produce enough of a
flame to light your cigarette using these three items: a click pen, a fully
charged AA battery, and an aluminum gum wrapper .
Option A: Open a clickable pen, take out the spring and straighten
it out. Touch one end of the straightened spring to each end of the AA
battery. Hold it tight. Within a few seconds, you’ve got a flame and a
temporary cure to that nicotine craving. For all of you DIYers trying this at
home, this only works with a fully-charged battery.
Option B: Take out an aluminum gum wrapper and one AA battery.
Fold the aluminum side out about one centimeter wide. Place one side on
the positive end of the battery and the other on the negative end. This will
create a spark that can be used for a light.

Life Tip: You’re standing outside of a bar and you don’t have a lighter, but
the girl asking you for one is hot as hell. Suddenly, you really wished you
smoked. She holds out her packet of American Spirits expectantly, while
you fumble in your pockets and find nothing but a stick of Extra gum and a
Walkman that runs on batteries—because “old school” is in, and you love
spinning that Tina Turner tape while you strut to the bar. You pop out the
battery, take out a stick of gum, and pop it into your mouth (because you
will be making out later, no doubt), and stick that wrapper to the battery.
You light her cigarette in the most innovative way she has ever seen.
Suddenly, she’s in love.
Hack #3 - Need a Stiff Drink After a Long Day on the Prison Yard ?
What’s a prison party without liquor? While you may not need alcohol to
socialize, sipping on something besides tap water can make the air feel a
little more festive in a place that typically is not. But there’s no way you’re
bringing in a bottle of Crown or sitting barside taking shots of tequila.
If you’re in prison, you’re making your own liquor. But that’s okay,
because craft-made inebriations are in.
While prison will never be Napa Valley, the inmates like a little
indulgence here and there.
So what do you need?
●        6 to 10 oranges
●        1 to 2 cans of fruit cocktail
●        1 to 2 pieces of bread
●        4 packets of ketchup
●        2 trash bags from the house mouse
Yes, ketchup. The most basic of American condiments can be turned
into an ingredient for making homemade wine. That packet in your kid’s
school lunch can be turned into a quality box of Franzia, and it’s pretty
easy. All you do is smash that business up inside the trash bag and let it sit
for about a week. Knot it tight enough so it doesn’t leak, but loosely enough
so you can get back into it the next day. Pour approximately 1 cup of warm
water in the bag daily because that will help it ferment faster. Keep it either
hidden in your toilet or underneath your prison rack behind your locker box.
Remember each day you’re going to have to let air out so that it doesn’t
explode. This is called “Burping your pruno.”
After a week, it’s time to strain it. You’re in prison, so you might not
have a strainer, but you have something even more useful. Grab that clean
sock out of your locker box and get to straining. Put the sock over your
mug, and grab your second mug to scoop and pour it over the sock. The
sock will help keep out the rotten fruit and bad stuff and anything else in
there that’s rotting. 
It tastes horrible and you won’t win any fine wine awards, but a lot
of what you ingest in prison tastes horrible. At least this gives you a buzz.
Oh, and a pretty important disclaimer on my part. Make sure to burp
your bag multiple times per day. Otherwise, you’re left with a ticking time
bomb of vitamin C and fermentation that will explode.
These are the two ways fish get caught:
1. They open it right before count and a guard smells the
fermentation, or
2. They forget to vent it, and it ends up exploding all over
their cell.

Life Tip: A zombie apocalypse hits the East Coast. You weren’t smart
enough to stock up on Two Buck Chuck, and your friends are stranded at
your place. You want to be a good host and sip on something while you do
your best to determine what in your shitty apartment can be turned into
legitimate weaponry. For more on this, see the Weaponry section for some
ideas. Pruno is the ultimate zombie-apocalypse-house-guest-hosting hack.
Hack #4 - Need a Needle ?
Inmates obviously lack the materials needed to give and get real syringes,
unless you can steal one from the infirmary. However,  prison and dope go
together like Kool-Aid and sugar. Enter binky, the homemade syringe that
can be created with an empty pen shell, an eyedropper, and a guitar string.
A binky is an inmate junkie’s best-friend.
You start by getting the point of a needle from a diabetic guy, who
has the chance to break or pull it off after taking his insulin. Every prison
has a "pill line" located in the medical department where diabetics and other
inmates go to get their meds. At different times each day, the nurse will
hand the diabetic a syringe containing insulin through the window, watch
him inject it, and ensure that he returns the syringe. Your man just has to
break the needle off before he gives it back, and covertly enough so that he
can hide it from that nurse’s watchful eye.
Once you get the point which should be about an inch long you’ll
grab a clear Bic pen, take the inside out, and cut the outer casing down to
about two inches away from the tip. Get a paperclip, straighten part of it out
and insert it into the tip of the Bic pen. Very slowly put a flame to the pen
tip, rotating it to melt/tighten up the plastic at the top where the point will
go. Then take the paperclip out. Don't burn the plastic too much; it might
take you two or three tries to mold the tip of the Bic because you have to
make sure there is a hole for the needle point.
Once you've taken out the paperclip, insert the needle point into
the hole and you have a homemade needle.
Life Tip: You’re hanging with the boss’s girl again, and she somehow
convinced you to dance with her all night at a local diner. You’ve been
fucking with that heroin all night and she’s been sniffin’ cocaina. You get
back to the house as she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Suddenly, she
comes back out foaming at the mouth. Fuck, she’s overdosed! You have
adrenaline, but no syringe. You quickly create a binky and shoot her with
the adrenaline, saving her life. You don’t tell the boss, but you are killed by
a boxer in his apartment a few scenes later anyway.  
Hack #5 - Need a Tattoo Gun?
One of the most important parts to getting a tattoo is a tattoo gun. Without a
street legal tattoo gun, convicts are forced to rely on materials, both legally
acceptable and contraband, in order to sling that prison ink.
The motor of the tattoo gun can be made from a CD or a tape player
which can legally be purchased from commissary. While CD and tape
players may be out of style in the real world, they are very much in high
demand behind bars. Nobody in the icebox has access to Pandora or Apple
Music, and when it comes to tattoos, that’s a good thing.
The motor from those 80’s style music devices can be attached to
the empty barrel of a pen. Then, you just need your needle. Where do you
get that? The spring from a stapler or homemade using a combination lock.
If you go the combination lock route, it’s broken, melted down, stretched by
applying heat, and then sharpened to a point using sandpaper. That
homemade needle is then threaded through the pen.
Now, if you’re worried about sticking your arm with what used to be
a combination lock that’s run by a device designed to play Celine Dion, you
actually shouldn’t be overly concerned. These tattoos don’t get infected all
that much. While some do, sanitary practices are typically employed
correctly. The needle is sanitized thoroughly using fire; and if the tattoo
man gets a reputation as someone who isn’t good or who causes infection,
he won’t make any money. That means only the best tattoo artists last.
Clean bottled water is used and rubber sanitation gloves are stolen from the
nurse’s office and used to keep clean.
Tattoos can be big business behind bars, although they will never
cost as much as they do in the real world. Giving and getting tattoos in
prison can also be risky. There is that chance of infection, and the guards
sometimes severely punish those who are caught. But for many, tattooing is
about more than just the money and is well worth the risk. In an
environment where all evidence of your past individuality needs to be clung
to, a tattoo is a way of claiming your own body as your own. It’s also about
developing and maintaining an art form and using creativity in a place that
tries to strip you of it. In a world of identical orange jumpsuits, ink is an
important act of subversion and identity. Or, you may just need to claim
your neighborhood. Nothing says loyalty like a big 13 blasted across your
face.
Life Tip: You’re a 9-to-5 ham and egger, but want to create a side hustle for
some extra cash. You watched Miami Ink and think, “How hard could it
really be?” Plus, you did take an art class once, and you follow Mister
Cartoon, Placasso and Luke Wessman on Instagram. You whip up your new
tattoo gun and boom! You’re in business. 
Hack #6 - Need Some Ink ?
Once you have the tattoo gun, all you need is some ink and a lot of heat. To
get the heat, you need to make a spark (refer back to the ‘Need a Light
Hack’). What do prison tattoo artists use for ink?
There are a few ways that inmates can get ahold of ink. The easiest
and most cost effective is the classic boot ink trick. Inmates buy a boot
polish can from the commissary and that can is then filled with baby oil.
You puncture a very small hole in the top of the can big enough only for a
wick to pass through. The baby oil burns the wick, which then creates soot.
The soot is put on a piece of paper, where any remaining baby oil is
removed. The result is an inky substance that can be used to throw up your
set. 
Life Tip: You just bought a tattoo gun because you have a degree in fine art
and can’t get a job. You thought getting into the tattoo business would be
the way to go. You watched Miami Ink , remember? But damn, you can’t
afford the ink. But you have baby oil because you have a baby, or just some
smooth ass skin. Get to work, son.
Hack #7. How About Some More Ink?  
Another way to get that necessary ink is to use a chess piece (that’s right,
chess not checkers). Sure, there are other ways to get ink, too, you can use
burned newspaper and shampoo, but that won’t last. It changes color and
morphs into a blob within a couple of years which works well if you regret
your tattoo, but not so well if you don’t.
So, a more permanent solution is to use the chess piece, or anything
made of plastic or rubber. You’ll then set your pawn on fire holding a piece
of cardboard over the flame. That will create a nice stain made up of a
substance called carbon ash. This will form the base of your ink. You can
scrape the ash off the cardboard and then mix it with shampoo and urine.
Yes, urine. You piss on your ink. It’s good for sterilization, surprisingly and
the shampoo makes it the proper consistency. So with those magic
ingredients, again, you have ink and a tattoo hopefully mom will be proud
of. 
Life Tip: This is good for tattoo ink, and it’s good for other kinds of ink. If
you have nothing but a quill and need to scribe a message for your beloved,
don’t fret. You can do this .
MISC. PRISON HACKS
Prison life is wildly different from life on the streets. As you might imagine,
spending every waking moment living in a room the size of a Jamba Juice
freezer has its obstacles. In order to make life inside the prison walls just
slightly better, inmates come up with all sorts of creative and innovative
ways to feel more comfortable.
Hack #8 - Need to Cut a Cake?
Who knew dental floss was so versatile? Convicts. If there are multiple uses
for anything an inmate will be the one to discover them. Floss has become
so widely used for reasons other than its intended purpose that some prisons
have abandoned the everyday dental accessory altogether and have opted
for rubber dental loops. If you never thought that a basic hygienic necessity
could be banned, you’ve never been to prison. They’ll ban anything that
reeks of innovation.
So what can floss be used for besides keeping plaque out of the
crevices in your mouth? A lot of things, it turns out.
Floss can be used to stitch up a wound (an unfortunate necessity) or
braided into a ladder if you need one (albeit, this may take a while). It can
even be used to sew a dummy that can take your place during the count if
you can’t or really just don’t want to be there. Okay, so the guards aren’t
always that smart. They’re brainwashed to think about breaking up fights
and making sure Inmates don’t think for themselves. They barely see faces
and in their defense, if an inmate were to deploy a dummy, it would be at
night, and most of the night shift doesn’t really give a fuck. So when the
dummy is there, that’s good enough for them .
If you happen to be the prison chef, you can explore another
practical-yet-innovative, though slightly less than gourmet, use for dental
floss. You can use it to cut cake. The cut it makes is far better than what a
kitchen knife can do.
While there are rumors that floss can be used as a hacksaw, a
terrifying prospect for anyone who has ever had a dentist cramming floss
into his mouth, it would take a lot of time and effort to cut through anything
too solid. Mythbusters proved that it would take about three hundred full-
length workdays to cut through a steel bar with floss. Maybe in prison you
have that time, but Pinnacle is probably more fun.
Life Tip: Use this technique to cut the cake at your cousin’s Quinceanera or
neighbor’s Bar Mitzvah when you don’t have a knife close by. Or, use it to
look like the baddest motherfucker at a picnic, if bad motherfuckers went to
picnics.
Hack #9 - Need to Make Sure That Battery Works for Your Prison
Lighter ?
Making sure that the battery is operating to its full capacity is an essential
service in a place where batteries are not that easy to come by, especially if
you’re trying to light a bat (go check Prison Slang in section 1 if you
already forgot what a bat is). You might be buying batteries from a fellow
inmate or selling them yourself. Either way, you want to make sure the
batteries are fully charged. This is valuable stuff.
One of the best ways to make sure it works is to bounce it. If it
bounces off the ground, your battery is good to go. You can now use it as a
bartering chip or to power your own devices. If it doesn’t bounce, it’s done.
Ain’t no energy there. And, don’t get conned by your slick and friendly
prison-neighborhood-con-man on the cell block, selling dead batteries.
Life Tip: This one’s obvious. Use it to make sure the batteries work in your
smoke detector before your entire house burns down.
Hack #10 - Need to Reuse a Stamp ?
In ancient times, people bartered for their food. For ages, people traded fur
and pelts for weapons. Sometimes, vegetables and grains were also thrown
out there as a bartering chip. Then money was implemented in the form of
gold coins, paper money was printed, credit cards became a way of life, and
now there’s something called bitcoin that nobody understands, but that has
somehow made and lost people billions.
But you know what’s used in prison for bartering? Stamps.
Stamp collectors and Inmates are likely the only two groups of
people who will ever get this excited over a ‘Forever’ stamp. While OGs
will maintain that cigarettes will always be the true currency behind cell
doors, ‘Forever’ stamps are the new money trend (most prisons have
banned smokes even though they still get smuggled in). But, stamps only
last one use, right?
 Wrong. And, have no fear; there are ways to make sure your stamps
still operate forever. Put your stamp face down on a stick of deodorant and
wait one full day. After twenty-four hours, peel it off. You now should be
able to wipe off that canceled mark with a simple swipe of a finger, and
create your ‘Forever’ stamp. It’s like printing money.
Life Tip: The next time you need to send out those wedding thank-you
cards, reuse the same stamp that your cheap uncle used to send some weak
ass congratulations card instead of cash. Not that you’re complaining .

CELL CLEANING & VISIT HACKS

This is prison; it ain’t the suburbs. A meticulous lawn and some fresh-
pressed Polos may not be in reach anytime soon, but there are some small
cell hacks that can make your cell feel, if not like home, like somewhere
you feel a little more comfortable sleeping. Well, minus the fact that your
crazy cellie doesn’t sleep and you have to go to bed with shoes on in case a
riot pops off in the middle of the night. That may keep you sleeping with
one eye open.
While having a decently clean cell can be a source of pride for
Inmates, it’s also a really good way to kill time. And there is a lot of that in
prison. The same can be said for personal appearance. Maintaining proper
hygiene and a spotless bodily facade is hard in prison. It’s a grimy place,
but there are certain tricks that can at least make a prisoner feel good—for a
minute or two, and get you prepped for a special visit (like from your hot
female attorney or the new nurse).
Hack #11 - Have a Roach Infestation ?
Cockroaches are nearly invincible. These disgusting creatures have
managed to last longer than most other living things in this world.
Somehow, they’re evolutionarily superior. They can make it through
explosions, war, chaos and most likely, all-out global apocalyptic
conditions. But do you know what a cockroach can’t make it through?
Water.
Cockroaches will not cross water. That’s why, when you inevitably
see the swarms of prison bugs making their way to every dropped crumb
and cookie when any edible item left out can bring a disgusting cluster of
vermin, you make a moat.
Prisons don’t provide you with poison, but they have to provide you
with water. Inmates fill jar lids with simple, life-saving tap water. Simply
put these jars under the legs of your table, and you know who won’t be
brave enough to make the ascent to everything up top? Roaches .
Life Tip: If you’re living in one of those roach-infested trap houses with
fifteen of your best friends in conditions that could never be considered
clean, then you probably can’t afford an exterminator, anyway. Just keep
them off your shit with this simple hack.
Hack #12 - Need a Screwdriver? 
Surprisingly, screwdrivers and tools of any kind, are not allowed within
prison walls. If a toothbrush can be used as a shank, just imagine what a
screwdriver would be used for: bloody, bloody, shit.
So what happens when you need to fix something, but you’re not
allowed a damn screwdriver because all the guards assume you’re going to
hit someone’s vitals with it? There is a solution. As long as you smoke or
have a friend who does, then you can make that repair.
Here’s how. Grab a plastic pen and take out its insides. You’ll now
be left with nothing but a plastic tube and a ton of potential. Heat the tip of
the tube with a lighter (thanks to your, or your friend’s, bad smoking habit,
or pop a socket). Once it gets hot about a minute later, press that into the
screw head, and you have yourself a screwdriver. It’s a whole new level of
handyman.
Life Tip: Okay, it’s usually easier to just get your lazy ass to the hardware
store and pick up a new screwdriver. But you don’t want to leave your
house because you just took some of your roommate’s prescription Adderall
for that final you have to study for, but home improvement sounds way
better. And man, are you focused. Make a screwdriver and go to town on
every single loose screw in the damn house.
Hack #13. Need a Jackknife? 
Most Inmates maintain at least a few loose blades in their cells. These are
pulled right from shaving razors. And while these blades can be used as
weapons, and have been used as weapons, and are often used as weapons,
they can be used for a whole host of other more practical reasons too. Even
though they’re mostly used for weapons. They can loosen screws and be
used to make a lot of different things including a number of the hacks I’ll be
mentioning here. Utility blades will fulfill various purposes within a prison
turning their owners into truly versatile handymen or women.
Life Tip: You don’t have the space or the desire to buy a toolkit. Toolkits
are for dads. Just buy a blade and you’ll be good for a lot of what you need
to get done.
Hack #14. Need a Homemade Shower Head?
One thing that Inmates tend to miss most when they get inside is a decent
shower. Time to get clean is always limited, and privacy is not really
considered a right within the confines of prison walls. Shower time is no
different.
Usually, water comes out in one of two ways. You’re either being
blasted by what feels like a high-pressure fire hose, or you’re being bathed
by a slow trickle that’s barely noticeable on your skin that leaves you
wondering if prison forgot to pay their water bill. Obviously, the high
pressure is preferable and gets you cleaner faster, but wouldn’t it be nice
just to have a normal rush of water in which to scrub off that prison grime?
Yes, it would be. That’s why inmates have figured out how to turn
old containers into their very own portable shower heads. Things with small
holes on the end work best, such as baby powder. Simply cut the container
in half, attach it to the shower by literally shoving it onto the nozzle head,
and there you have it; a shower that resembles normal just a little bit more.
You’d be surprised as to how well this actually works.
I’m sure women inmates have been diligently thinking of a way to
make baths and prison bath bombs, and if so, you best believe I’ll drop the
first prison-inspired spa book; so be ready, ladies.
Life Tip: You’re traveling through the Amazon Rainforest attempting to
discover the next cure for cancer or one of the world’s greatest unknown
species. You are so close to discovering something miraculous, but all you
want is a shower. Yes, you want the fame. You want that Nobel Peace Prize.
But hot damn, you really want a good shower. In the distance you see a
small trickle of water coming over some rocks. It looks like a mini
waterfall. It might work, but you really just crave an authentic spray.
Luckily, you have an old baby powder container. You slip it on top of that
natural jungle geyser. Bam! Now you have a proper shower, and you’re
ready to take on the day. And the jungle.
Hack #15 - Need Some Cologne Before That Prison Visit?
While you might not need to dress to impress while you’re in prison, you
may get a visit from a sexy someone. You don’t want to hit your visit
smelling like state prison. So open up that GQ magazine you found in the
prison library and turn to the ad with the shirtless man surrounded by three
beautiful women. Take the cologne strip off, add water, and your free scent
sample will last much longer than intended. Now you’re ready to give that
sexy someone a reason to keep writing.
Life Tip: Your roommate used the last of your Axe again, and you have a
hot date with that chick from geometry class. You grab that old Maxim on
the back of the toilet and find the Gucci Guilty ad with the cologne strip.
Apply water and voila! You smell like a million bucks again, just as your
Lyft arrives.

TOOTHPASTE HACKS
Who knew that toothpaste could be so truly versatile? Because it’s one of
the few substances that is readily accessible behind bars, it has developed a
myriad of uses for the prison population. Did I mention the tube says
“Poisonous material included” on it? A lot of us barely used the stuff until
we realized that cleaning our teeth was only one small part of what we
could actually use it for.
Hack #16. Need a Cement Replacement?
Toothpaste is awesome as cement and can be used to create drywall.
Inmates hide valuables and contraband inside the wall and they need a way
to hide that hole. Mixing toothpaste with coffee grounds can actually create
a tone that’s similar to that of many prison walls and doors.
Maybe you’ll never listen to your dentist, but listen to me when I
tell you that toothpaste is some good shit.
Life Tip: Your drunk ass went through the wall of your dorm room. Repair
it with the above prison concoction and save yourself from forfeiting that
$1500 security deposit.
Hack #17. Need to Scrub a Prison Cell?
That brings me to the next hack and that is toothbrush cell cleaner. Again, I
don’t give a shit if you never brush a single one of your teeth in your life.
That’s your prerogative. A mouth full of rot can be intimidating in its own
right; but even if you don’t want to keep your teeth clean, you can use a
toothbrush to keep the rest of your shit clean. Take your toothbrush, put a
generous dollop of toothpaste on it, and go to town on everything. Scrub
your clothes, your shoes, and even your cell. If you weren’t brushing your
teeth before, don’t start now after using your brush to scrape up all that
other grime. How do you do this? The same way you should be cleaning
your teeth. A toothbrush is tiny, and this might take an entire day, but why
worry about wasting time when that’s exactly what you’re trying to do?
Life Tip: Your girlfriend won’t stop complaining about how dirty the
bathroom is; blah, blah, blah. Because you don’t know where she keeps the
cleaning supply shit, you grab your roommate’s toothbrush (well, also
because he still hasn’t paid you for that Raiders game bet he lost). Throw on
some Mac Miller (RIP), and get to scrubbing.
Hack #18 - Need an Alternative to Bleach ?
Clean clothes are not too easy to come by in prison mainly because dry
cleaners are few and far between. You won't find yourself sitting in pressed,
noticeably white garb anytime soon. If you’re not relying on the traditional
methods of keeping your clothes clean, you can actually look pretty damn
good in that jumpsuit. Do you know what makes good bleach? Toothpaste.
Yep, “Top down, chrome spinnin’,”here we go again with the
toothpaste. Think about it, if it’s meant to keep your teeth white, then you
can use it to brighten any of your whites. While few people will
congratulate you on a wash well done, it makes you feel good. Just turn on
the water, add your toothpaste, and mix the two of them together like you
would your usual cleaning solution. Then there you go. Your whites stay
that way.
Life Tip: You don’t buy bleach because you’re not your mom. You have a
travel tube of toothpaste, though. And that white Young & Reckless baseball
tee and Five Four sneakers ain’t gonna clean themselves. Cool. Get you
some. 
Hack #19  Need to Shine Your Shoes ?
In prison, you’re given a jumpsuit, shoes, and not much else. Your footwear
usually consists of sneakers and boots. What you wear on your feet might
vary from prison to prison, but sometimes they give you a pair of second-
rate white sneakers. While we know that in prison it’s not all about looking
good, we still want to retain a little pride. And you know what hurts that
pride? Dirty, stained sneakers and second-rate white sneakers stain easy.
While they don’t have to give you quality clothing in prison, they do
have to give you toothpaste. It’s a basic hygienic necessity, and it can also
keep your shoes shiny clean. If you grab a brush, some toothpaste and start
scrubbing, pretty soon the dirt and grime of the prison floor will go away
revealing that once-shimmery white surface.
Life Tip: It rained on your way to work. You got stuck in a dustbowl. Then,
you trudged through an industrial junkyard running from a dog whose
owner yelled, “Chopper sick balls!” Your shoes look like shit. No biggie.
You have a toothbrush and toothpaste because you had a dentist
appointment that morning. Start scrubbing and, bam, shoes like new .

WEAPONRY AND SELF-DEFENSE HACKS

Here’s the thing, if you stay in your lane, aren’t mixed up in gang life, and
don’t get caught up in using and owing money with drugs or gambling,
you’re most likely going to be fine. Now, “fine” in prison will still mean
racial riots and a couple one-on-ones depending on your temperament.
While we don’t want to focus too much on violence, it is pretty astounding
to see how innovative inmates can truly get when it comes to defending
themselves. Self-defense is a part of prison life, as are prison brawls. A day
rarely passes where someone doesn’t jump someone else, or where
hundreds of inmates don’t jump each other (aka, a prison riot). When one of
the only things to do is fight, people fight.
But guess what? You don’t need to rely on these homemade versions
of deadly weapons because you have Netflix and freedom. You have other
things to do besides turn food and everyday appliances into weapons.
 So while the following hacks are not something I would ever
recommend you do, even though I’ve seen some of these in real life, and
they’re pretty fucking wild, I’ll share them with you anyway because
they’re part of the prison fabric.

Hack #20 - Need to Burn Someone’s Face off ?

Something as simple and accessible as chocolate can be used as a weapon.
Think about fondue, it’s great for dipping strawberries, bananas, and small
sugar cookies. It’s also great for making an adhesive heat trap that hurts like
Hell. In prison, it’s melted on a hot plate and thrown onto an enemy’s face
during combat or as an unplanned attack.
So why chocolate? Why not something else hot, like chicken soup?
Well, because chocolate cools so fast that it sticks to the skin and is hard to
get off. This means that by the time the attacked person can remove it,
severe burns have already taken place. So yeah, a French dessert delicacy
can also be used to melt a face.
How do you do it? Melt the chocolate down on a hot plate and keep
it boiling in preparation to toss.
Life Tip: You treat yourself to a hot date to that new fondue place up the
street. You’re minding your business, you enjoyed your main courses, and
you’re finishing with chocolate fondue dessert and a nice glass of port wine.
Suddenly, your ex strolls by your table with her new dude. She promised
she wasn’t with anyone new, and you were hoping to get back together with
her. Use said ‘Face Fondue’ as needed on her new fuckboy .
Hack #21 - Need to Burn Someone’s Face Off, Again?
Do you know what else burns bad? Hot oil. Hot oil burns really bad. Think
about it; it’s used to fry shit. You drop potatoes or chicken in it, and they
turn out real crispy. It’s the same with skin and you can buy oil from the
commissary. If you have a hot pot in your cell, you can heat it and get ready
to throw it on another inmate if the need really arises, such as during a riot.
Life Tip: You work at White Castle. It’s the end of a really long shift and
you’re sick of how low minimum wage is. There’s some fat guy screaming
about the quality of his intentionally low-quality burger, and you are about
ready to lose your shit. You came to White Castle, dipshit, not fucking
Eleven Madison Park. So you do lose it. You cover his face in hot oil, and
you get fired, which is what you wanted anyway. You’re now unfortunately
on your way to county jail with some new charges. Make sure to get this
book sent in.
Hack #22 - Need a Shank ?
The security that a small, sharp object can provide to inmates should not be
underestimated. Inmates take everyday objects such as chicken bones and
sharpened toothbrush handles and turn them into things that can be used as
weapons. Most people have heard of the toothbrush shank and to some, a
chicken bone is an obvious choice, but here are other less-obvious shanks
too.
For example, a magazine. Yes, a magazine can indeed be turned into
a shank. If the articles are shitty, but you want to use the pages for
something better than wiping your ass, you can use a magazine to stab
somebody. If you roll a few magazines up really tight, dip them in water,
and continuously repeat the process, you end up with a pointed pile of
magazines that can actually puncture skin.
Life Tip: You found your dad’s old collection of Playboys. There are a lot
of them. Some bastard breaks into your house and your parents are
sleeping, but you weren’t because you saw nudity for the first time and are
not sleeping anytime soon. But you do have to spring into action, so you
roll up those magazines into a shank and run down and stab the attacker
with 70s-style pornography. The attacker is actually your older brother, and
you get grounded for more reasons than one, but at least you realize
magazine shanks work great.
Hack #23. Need a Pseudo-Club for a Prison Riot ?
This one is pretty notorious and very self-explanatory. Objects carry a lot
more weight if you can swing them, but obviously you need something to
swing them in. You can throw pretty much anything into a pillowcase
besides, maybe, a pillow, and use it as a legitimate weapon. Use soap. Use
padlocks. Use anything with some weight behind it, and you can fight back
no matter your muscle mass. Unfortunately for Whitey Bulger, he met his
demise through this same fate.
 If this makes prison seem like Neanderthal Darwinism, you’re not
too far off.
Life Tip: You’re on a hot date with some Victoria’s Secret model you met
at Whole Foods. As you stroll down the street, a mugger grabs her purse.
You grab the closest thing near you, which is a pillowcase from the street
vendor who is selling linens. You grab padlocks from the next vendor as
you run to catch the mugger. You toss the locks in the pillowcase. You reach
him and beat him with the pillowcase filled with locks. You get your date’s
purse back and score more ways than one that night.
Hack #24. Need Another Weapon ?
Okay, so most prisons got rid of actual weights because inmates were
becoming “super inmates” who were bigger and stronger than the guards
and taking yards by storm. But for prison yards that do have weights,
dropping a dumbbell on someone’s face is an awesome way to win a fight. I
saw this once and witnessed the damage it can bring. There’s not much
need to elaborate here.
Life Tip: That jerk-off musclehead at 24-Hour Fitness keeps messing with
you. Use the weight as you may, but realize that this one could actually land
you in the bighouse. Act accordingly.
Hack #25 - Need a Shank That Can Pass Through Metal Detectors?
Jolly Ranchers taste great, unless you’re being stabbed by one. Everyone’s
favorite childhood hard candy is also a prison favorite, but for entirely
different reasons .
As weapons of self-defense, Jolly Ranchers can make for a pretty
decent option. They are delicious, but more importantly when melted
together they can make for a very sharp and deadly end. If you wrap some
Jolly Ranchers in tin foil and heat them, you can melt that hard candy into
one dense shank. Then, use your cell floor as a sharpening block and make
a nice point out of it.
What’s the best part about your Jolly Rancher shank, besides the
flavor? You won’t set off any metal detectors with it.
Life Tip : You’re trick-or-treating with your little sister when a group of
teenagers run up on you and steal all of the candy, except for the Jolly
Rancher in your pocket. You quickly fasten it into a shank and demand the
candy back. Welcome to heroism, again.
Hack #26. Need Some Armor?
Unfortunately, prison is a pretty violent place. You don’t want to make
friends or enemies with the wrong people, and you have to watch your back
a lot of the time. No matter how aware you are, there might be something
you miss. Even the most vigilant inmates can’t be on it all of the time.
That’s why you need a magazine.
Wait, what? Yes, a magazine, again. Taping a thick periodical to
your midsection can prevent a stab wound. Obviously, you need to be
selective about this. The New Yorker and Time might make for excellent
reading, but they do not make for an excellent body shield because they are
too thin. National Geographic , on the other hand, does.
You know what else a magazine can protect besides your vital
organs? Your cash. You can stick money in between two glued-together
pages to make a pretty legitimate secret supply. If you’re still not convinced
as to the power of the written word, you can also cut out the pages, roll
them up, and turn them into a prison Cadillac (see Prison Slang in section 1
for the Cadillac reference). Then, you can grab whatever it is that’s out of
reach.
Life Tip: You’re traveling the world uncovering ancient artifacts and
following the invisible roadmap from the Seven Wonders of the World that
will unlock the secrets of the Holy Grail, but there are suited men after you
who are trying to shoot and kill you at every turn. You're surrounded in
front of a magazine stand. You grab a handful of Enquire gossip mags and
quickly use them for body armor as you flee the scene. Bullets whiz by, and
you’re struck in the back. Have no fear, the magazine armor protects you,
but keep running for safety .

PRISON ARTS & CRAFTS HACKS

Making art is a healthy way for Inmates to cope with their captivity. It’s
tough to spend that time in a cage, rarely seeing the daylight and missing
the outside especially if you’re on twenty-four-hour lockdown. Luckily,
getting crafty can provide both practical and therapeutic benefits. On one
hand, it can allow inmates access to everyday essentials they otherwise
wouldn’t have. On the other, it offers a productive way to pass the time.
While a prison craft circle seems almost contradictory, don’t forget
that a lot of what Inmates create is meant to make their lives easier. This
isn’t a Pinterest vision board or a pair of handmade mittens. Inmates aren’t
even bored enough for that shit; only housewives are; but inmates can still
find some pretty damn nifty uses for things you would never think of using
them for.
Hack #27. Need to Hide Something, But Don’t Have a Safe ?
In prison, you will inevitably want to hide your valuables or contraband.
While there are a number of ways to do this, one of the most effective ways
to hide your goods are within the confines of a book. You can easily hollow
out the middle of a book creating a space where you can put absolutely
anything that you don’t want anyone else to see.
The book is unlikely to attract a lot of attention, especially if it’s put
with a bunch of other books or if it’s a really boring title. If it’s one that
nobody will want to borrow (inmates share books), like Memoirs of a
Geisha, you’ll be golden. Nobody will touch that with a ten-foot homemade
prison Cadillac .
Life Tip: You’re one of those kids always roaming the halls with a book.
“Damn, I didn’t know that guy liked Pride and Prejudice ,” your classmates
think one day. “Damn, I didn’t know that guy liked the Bible ,” they say
another day. You don’t like Pride and Prejudice , though. You’re not much
of a Bible reader, either. You hollowed it out, used it to smuggle in a whole
bunch of Xanax, and peddled it to your gym teacher for a premium.   
Hack #28. Need a Candle to Set the Mood?
Inmates aren’t allowed to have candles for, well, somewhat obvious
reasons. Fire is just not something typically allowed in a place where even
the most mundane of daily objects can serve as a weapon. Let’s be honest;
inmates find a lot of ways to make fire; and just because you’re in prison
doesn’t mean that you don’t miss the romanticism of reading or eating by
candlelight. The soft glow can comfort even those with the longest
sentences; even hardened convicts have a soft spot.
 That’s why inmates have learned how to make their own candles
using applesauce and yogurt containers. Pop a hole in the top of the foil on
your yogurt. Pull a piece of yarn from a bedsheet. Wrap the yarn into the
foil from the yogurt at the top of the string and let the rest of the string coil
into the yogurt container as you put the top back on. Pop a socket and you
have your fire and candle.
While they may not give off a scent like vanilla bean or pumpkin
spice, they will make your cell a little bit brighter which helps once the
lights are out because cells get very dim, and if you’re trying to read it will
be difficult. If you have some thread and baby oil, then you can use these
supplies to turn your cell into something a bit more quaint. Homey, even.
Life Tip: You’re Jamie Lee Curtis and you have so much of that yogurt
from when you starred in the commercials about how hard it was for you to
shit. The power goes out in your house. It happens to be Halloween. You
know what that means. Michael Myers has escaped again, and he’s coming
back to get you. You can’t see anything. For all you know, he’s lurking in
the halls right now. You have no candles or lanterns because you have
learned to revolve your life around impractical plot points. You grab a
yogurt container and make a candle. Sure enough, Michael Myers is right
there, and you stab him in the eye with a container. You escape, but he kills
all of your friends while they are having sex. The plot thickens.
Hack #29. Need a Pencil Supply Holder?
Nobody would think of prison as the pinnacle of the arts and craft world,
but the truth is that art can serve as a major distraction for the inmates and
can have huge mental health benefits. Because art can be such a vital past
time for those behind bars, it makes sense to want something in which to
organize art supplies.
So, what is that organizational tool?
A toothpaste box. This works well as a place where inmates can put
all their colored pencils or pens allowing them to work and reach for the
supplies they need when they need them .
Life Tip: You’re poor as fuck because you pursue art as a profession. You
live in your warehouse studio illegally which is actually just your storage
unit. You need to choose between paying your “studio” rent or buying a
case to hold your paint brushes. But wait, you don’t need to buy a case
because you saw a discarded Crest Extra Whitening toothpaste box by the
dumpster. You fasten a container with the box, and with that, you’re back in
art-organizing-business.
Hack #30. Need Some Dice?
In prison, you have a lot of free time, and a decent way to spend it is by
rolling some dice with your fellow inmates. Maybe you want to gamble for
cigarettes or postage stamps, or maybe you’re just bored beyond belief.
Either way, you need a way to pass some time and craps has always been a
fun game. Dice can end prison arguments too.
What if you don’t have dice? No worries! You can make your own
using one item that is almost always available; toilet paper. No matter what,
the guards can’t take that away from you. They can strip you of your
privacy and some dignity and a lot of your rights, but they can’t take away
your toilet paper.
So here’s what you do: Take the toilet paper and fold it into very
small, dice-sized squares. Get it wet, packing on square after square until
your creation looks about the size of a dice. Once you let it dry, take a
marker and add your dots. Roll away!
Life Tip: You’re hanging with your favorite west coast rapper, The Game.
You guys want to play craps. He says if you beat him at craps, he’ll give
you his blue Lambo. The problem is, you’re on an island in the Caribbean
and there are no dice in sight. Grab that toilet paper and get that Lambo,
boiii!
Hack #31. Need to Make an Art Sculpture Out of Doritos Bags ?
Inmates don’t exactly have access to a whole lot of art supplies. If funding
for the arts is low in the real world, it’s especially low in prison. Good luck
applying for a grant from within prison walls that covers the cost of clay
from commissary.
The lack of quality art supplies creates more opportunities for
inmates to get creative. They use all sorts of packaging; everything from
chip wrapping to old candy wrappers which can make intricately woven
sculptures. Not one worldwide recycling initiative says anything about how
inmates reuse otherwise useless material. Someone phone Leo and let him
know he’s not the only one saving the world.
Life Tip: You’re addicted to those fun-sized bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos.
Your apartment, aka mom’s basement, floor is covered in them. The old
lady (aka mom) is about to evict you and make you find your own place,
and you have to convince her to keep paying your rent while you “find
yourself.” She is about one decision away from telling you to get a
corporate job kissing corporate ass just so you, her son, can live a normal
life and just maybe meet a girl and settle down. Because you need to prove
to her that you’re doing something productive with your time, you make
sculptures out of all of your trash. Now she is a patron of the arts.

PRISON FOOD HACKS

If you figure out how to pull the juice card and find yourself working in the
kitchen, you basically won prison because prison food is worse than
vomiting up fish sticks and serving it as a warm dish. Kitchen workers have
access to more food options than the general inmate population which they
can whip up while on duty.
True story, if you have found yourself working in the prison kitchen,
you will have come across boxes of food that get delivered weekly and are
served to the general inmate population, that kitchen workers dare not eat.
This is because kitchen workers have noticed the blaring red words tagged
all over the side, bottom and top of the food boxes. If you’re literate, which
is a big “if” in prison, you will notice those words are, “Not Made For
Human Consumption.”
In prison, people need to get pretty creative with their food. What’s
served is bland at best and nauseating at worst. The only requirement for
prison food is that it meets certain nutritional and health requirements
which means flavor falls to the wayside. If you thought cafeteria food was
bad, think about that school lunch but with an undercurrent of spit and spite.
Eating prison food honestly kind of feels like a punishment in and of itself;
and, that’s because, I guess, it is.
Hack #32. Need to Heat a Meal But Only Have Toilet Paper?
What kind of food do you get in a prison mess hall? Exactly what you
would think. Undercooked chicken, luke-warm rice and excessively
rubbery everything.
 There is no full cure for the food that prison will serve to you in one
splatter of a nearly unidentifiable substance. You won’t take freeze dried
chicken and turn it into filet mignon. But guess what? You can make it hot.
Take that soggy piece of undercooked meat and wrap it in tinfoil.
Take some toilet paper; yet another semi-accessible item in prison that often
substitutes for those that are not accessible and turn it into a flame. You are
like the caveman that invented fire, except a kind of fire that has already
been invented and held from you purely for the sake of punishment .
Take that toilet paper and roll it into a cylinder making sure that it
burns from the inside out by folding it in at the ends and lighting it. Hold
your mediocre meal above that heat and imagine how the caveman felt as
he watched his food become just a little less horrible. And, now it’s even
hotter than that Bruce Lee joint released by AD.
Life Tip: You wander away from your campsite to take a shit. You’re
drowsy and not fully awake. You pass the bathrooms completely and end up
in a remote mountainside area inaccessible to everyone. You’re lost and you
can’t remember the Boy Scout thing about moss growing on the tree. You
realize you’re starving. You only have toilet paper with you and a tiny bit of
tin foil stuck to your shoe. There’s a rabbit in the clearing. You pursue it and
get ready to pounce. Bam! There you have it. You killed it with your bare
hands and now you have a stove to cook it on. No raw rabbit meat for you,
because you have standards.
Hack #33. Need to Celebrate a Birthday?
Even locked up birthdays are still worth celebrating. Prison might be rough,
but you usually have a few road dawgs in your group genuinely willing to
look out for you and sometimes that means making you a birthday cake.
Birthdays might seem like kid shit. After a certain age, do you really want a
cake, anyway? Yes, everyone wants a cake and you especially want a cake
in prison because those small gestures of enjoyment go a long way, but
you’re in prison. Those small gestures are harder to come by and making a
cake isn’t as easy as adding a few eggs and some milk to that mix in the box
or driving your minivan to the store to get one with a customizable happy
birthday message on top .
Those cakes are overrated, anyway, and you can do better. You
know how? By crushing up some cookies, mixing in a little of whatever
you might have on hand like cappuccino flavoring, chocolate chips, candy
bars, peanut butter cups and creating a damn delicious concoction that will
probably soon see infamy as the next cronut or as a product in a large-scale
cupcake chain. If you want to get really decadent, you can melt your
chocolate bar while it’s still in the wrapping and drizzle a chocolatey
“Happy Birthday” on top. You’ll never miss that half-assed Baskin Robbins
store-bought cake again (keep your eyes open for the Peckerwood Pie
recipe in the Food Recipe section).
Life Tip: Your child’s fifth birthday is today, and you forgot that you
invited fifteen tiny humans over to celebrate another year of your kid’s life.
They’re all scrambling toward you with sticky fingers and mediocre gifts
that make too much noise, and that’s when you realize that you don’t have a
cake. You crush up some cookies real quick and add some of your kid’s
Halloween candy to the mix, throw it in a cute ass pan, put a chocolate
drizzle on it, and everyone thinks you’re a great parent. Damn, you have
them fooled.
Hack #34. Need to Cool Something?
If you’re sick of warm cans of soda from the commissary list and you need
something cool to wash down that shitty, stale prison food, you can simply
add salt water to an ice bucket. You can purchase the bucket from
commissary or buy it on the blackmarket from someone who works in the
kitchen or machine shop who can smuggle you something back. This cools
your drink faster than a freezer will and is more accessible than a freezer in
prison, anyway. And, now you got something even cooler than Dame
Dash’s demeanor; and that’s ice-cold-cool.
Life Tip: Even if you’re not in prison, this is a good way to keep your
drinks cold. If you’re throwing a party and the only thing you have access
to is the mini fridge from your mom’s basement, then keeping your drinks
cool prison-style will make sure that people don’t complain about you being
the douchebag who served room temperature Natty Light. You can let your
guests know it’s a prison life hack which instantly provides new levels of
street cred even Snoop would envy. Super Bowl parties. Frat parties. Spring
Break. CrossFit competitions. Rugby games. Crap games on Caribbean
islands. The list goes on and on.
Hack #35 - Need to Prison Meal Prep?
Don’t be a Chutzpah. Go kosher. While this may not be as applicable to the
real world as it is to prison, eating kosher is a way to get food that’s at least
a little better. The kosher food is inevitably better tasting than the regular
food maybe because fewer inmates require it. While this might seem
offensive, the other Jewish inmates usually don’t mind. There aren’t a lot of
them, so they might even appreciate the additions in their CAR. Besides
working in the kitchen, there’s no better way to get edible(ish) food.
Life Tip: Move over, vegan-organic-Whole30 fitness gurus. The latest six-
pack hack is going prison kosher.
Hack #36 - Need a Quick Cookstove?
While some inmates are able to buy a hot pot from the commissary, a
number of others cannot (because they’re expensive as shit). The issue with
hot pots is that they automatically turn off before the hot pot can get to the
boiling point due to safety concerns and built in temperature controls .
That’s where your own hot pots come in. If you have running water,
nail clippers, a cord, and an electrical outlet, you can heat your food in no
time; but be wary, you also have to drop a wire into a cup of water which a
lot of people don’t quite have the guts to do. If you’re desperate, bored or
brave enough to look past that little safety detail, you can attach the metal
slabs of the nail clippers to the cord, with one on the positive and one on the
negative end, and then drop the apparatus into the water. While there is
some chance that there will be a short circuit, the water usually will break
into a wild and immediate boiling point. 
The thing with prison hacks is that they require you to break all the
safety rules that you have ever known and usually, if you’re in prison,
you’re kinda used to breaking rules anyway. Either that or you’re unlucky,
in which case, then maybe don’t try this boiling water trick.
Life Tip: You have a real hankering for a cup of green tea. Damn, those
antioxidants are good, but you’re at an ice cream shop and they don’t serve
anything hot. They don’t have hot water. They only sell products that are
made from ice. You’re pissed. You want hot tea. So, you ask for a cup of ice
and dig through your pockets. Sure enough, you have some fingernail
clippers. You also see a wire. You ask the ice cream guy for a cup of ice and
to direct you to the nearest electrical outlet. You touch the nail clippers to
the wire, drop it in the melting ice, and boom (literally)! You either have
boiling water or the entire place explodes, which serves them right, anyway.

PRISON FOOD FLAVOR HACKS

When flavor is in limited supply, convicts find very unconventional ways of
making sure that they have some. Certain ingredients are available from the
commissary or easily accessible in the mess hall as long as you’re willing to
smuggle the goods or pay someone to smuggle it for you.
Hack #38 - Need to Fry Something?
If you have a jar of mayonnaise, you can scrape the oil off of the top and
deep fry almost anything in it. If you stick that jar of mayo in the freezer, or
if you can heat it up, the oil separates out on top for your convenience. A jar
of mayo used in this way is a great investment because most people can
stomach almost anything as long as it’s fried. So, from those shitty cans of
mackerel to the insect on your windowsill, fry it up and pretend you’re
eating something else somewhere else.
Life Tip: You work at McDonald’s, Burger King, or Chick-Fil-A.
Anywhere where you’re responsible for deep-fat frying some shit, but you
run out of oil. There’s a long line and people are pissed. They want deep-
fried food and they will settle for nothing less. You tell them there’s salad.
They start a riot. The overweight Americans in front of you start hurling
ketchup, and mayonnaise at you. Wait! Mayonnaise. You snag a jar and take
the grease from it. You fry everyone’s food and are named employee of the
month.
Hack #39 - Need to Flavor Something Bland?
Instead of using plain water when cooking your rice, you can use apple
juice. This is cheap, easy, and adds a surprisingly delicious flavor to what
could otherwise be a pretty bland dish. It sounds like a weird combo, but if
you learn anything in prison, it’s that the weirder the combination the better
or, at least, that the weird combination is better than no combination at all.
Life Tip: You’re mutha fuckin’ Johnny Appleseed. You have planted apple
trees all across America and you’re hungry, but there was a plague of
locusts and most forms of food have been wiped out. All except for your
magically sturdy apple trees and a bag of white rice. You snag that bag of
white rice, but damn, rice is boring and you’re sick of eating it for every
meal. That’s okay, though. You’ve built an entire fleet of locust-resistant
apple trees, and you know that this will improve the rice’s flavor. You juice
them apples and eat like a king. Sort of.
Hack #40 - Need to Cook up Some Top Ramen?
So, maybe you bought Ramen Noodles from the commissary; but you don’t
have a place to cook it. Don’t worry. You just have to put your Ramen
Noodles in a plastic bag, fill it with hot water and wrap it tightly in a towel.
It will cook up in about five minutes. This is important to learn because
prison is a lot like college. Ramen Noodles are an essential staple because
it’s cheap as shit.
Life Tip: Your notions of masculinity are so fragile that you would rather
“cook” using unorthodox means involving crushed up Cheetos and other
processed shit than just cook your own damn meal. Somehow you think it’s
more masculine to fry canned fish in mayonnaise than to pick up the Joy of
Cooking and learn how to prepare a chicken breast. Use this prison hack to
make you feel tough or young again. 
 Section 4: Prison Tattoos
As you’ve already read, there’s no shortage of prison ink and awesome shit
that can put something permanent on your skin. If you’re in the joint for
more than a year, then you’re getting some prison tattoo stamped to you in
one of the many homemade ways I taught you in the life hacks section.
Going to prison and not getting some ink would be like going to Disneyland
and not riding the Matterhorn; you just don’t fucking think about not doing
it.
Prison tattoos have a language all their own. They ain’t some flower
best friend bullshit, and you won’t be getting a Mandarin character on your
ass that means hope or prosperity, but you will be getting a story.
One thing is for damn sure, prison tattoos say a lot more about what
you’re about than that tramp stamp on that hot Tinder hookup you met at
Sharkeez in Newport Beach last summer. They tell a story about who you
are, what you do, and where you are from.
Here are some of the more common tattoos and since you’re a
hardened convict now, it’s time to pick yours.
ACAB - A cute little acronym that means “All Cops Are Bastards.”
1488 - If you have the tattoo with the numbers “1488,” it means you’re part
of the Aryan brotherhood. The 14 stands for the 14 words that make up the
mantra of the Aryan brotherhood, and the 88 means HH, which stands for
“Heil Hitler. ”
Lightning bolts - Another racist one. This means that you’ve pledged your
allegiance to the Aryan Brotherhood. The lightning bolts mean the SS, or
those soldiers in Nazi Germany who were enforcing the construction of
racial purity laws and who did some really fucked up shit.
A five-pointed crown - The five-pointed crown is the symbol of one of the
country’s most notorious gangs, the Latin Kings. So, if you want to get a
crown tattooed on your body for any reason besides this, think about it
again. You might be affiliating yourself with something you don’t wanna be
affiliated. Latin Kings are typically found on the east coast, although there
are pockets all over the country.
Teardrops - You’ve probably heard something about the teardrop tattoo.
It’s pretty infamous, and its reputation usually revolves around murder. If
you have a teardrop, it might mean that you murdered someone, or that your
friend or homeboy was murdered. In some cases, it may signify that the
wearer has raped or killed someone. Sometimes the exact meaning of the
tattoo is only known by the wearer. The tattoo's meaning also can change
depending on whether the tear is empty or is filled with ink. It can also
mean that you’re some fake ass rapper that got a teardrop because you
thought that shit was cool.
NLR - This stands for Nazi Low Rider, which is another skinhead gang.
These guys also often sport woodpecker tattoos (all white male inmates are
"peckerwoods" in AB terminology) or tattoos that read "100% Wood","88,"
and "44." The number 44 is the sum of 14, 12, and 18. The fourteenth letter
of the alphabet is "N," the twelfth letter is "L," and the eighteenth letter is
"R." Hence 44 is a way of writing NLR. 
Cobwebs - Cobwebs usually mean that the sentence you’re serving is a
long one. You’ve been in the joint so long it feels like you’re covered in
cobwebs, so you might as well get it tattooed. However, if you have a
cobweb with race-based tattoos surrounding it, typically on the elbow, it can
also mean that you have killed someone who is a different race from your
own.
A clock without the hands - What’s time mean when you know you just
might be spending a huge part of your life behind bars? Another day,
another minute, another shit meal, and maybe a brawl or two. And maybe,
another tattoo. Sometimes, that’s life in prison. Who the fuck cares what
time it is?
Playing cards - Playing cards look pretty cool tattooed and there can
actually be quite a few variations. Usually, they mean that the person
wearing the tattoo believes that life is all a gamble. Or, for the less
philosophical, that they really just love gambling so much they’re going to
let everyone know by getting a deck of cards tattooed to their forearm.
Dots - A number of dots tattooed on your body can mean different things.
Dots are probably the easiest damn thing to tattoo, so if you’re getting this
one, I really hope that you didn’t have to pay a lot.
Three dots - Three dots generally involve three words and mean that you
have pledged allegiance to a Mexican gang. It usually stands for “Mi Vida
Loca .” For those of you who lack even the most elementary and pop-
culture based Spanish skills, that means, “My Crazy Life.” Three dots also
can be a reference to the Holy Trinity and for those of you who lack even
the most elementary and pop-culture based religious knowledge, this refers
to “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”.
Five dots - Once you do time, you might want to get the five dots tattoo
between your thumb and forefinger signifying that you have done time. You
are the center dot, and the other four dots are the prison walls forever
tattooed onto your soul and onto your hand.
MS-13 - MS-13 stands for Mara Salvatrucha 13 . It is said to be a
combination of Mara , which translates to “gang,” Salva for “Salvador,”
and trucha , which roughly means “street smarts.” The 13 is reportedly
used because it is the position of M in the alphabet . Any combination of
these letters and numbers is usually meant to signify the notorious El
Salvadoran gang.
M - The letter M stands for the Mexican Mafia. I guess it could stand for
other things too, like any state that starts with an M, or maybe mom. But in
prison, it’s probably the Mexican mafia.
Sur 13 - Sur 13, or Sureños , represent a large coalition of affiliated gangs
from Southern California (the Spanish "Sur " means "south"). The Sur 13
may be its own entity, but they pledge allegiance to the Mexican Mafia.
While Sureños may have dozens of tattoos that are used under the umbrella
of various Californian Hispanic gangs, only a true Sureño will have the
word “Sur ” or “Sureño ” accompanied by the number 13 .
211 - The Crips have a lot of tattoos associated with them with a good
portion of them having to do with disrespecting their rival gang, the Bloods.
For example, the numbers 211 on a Crip stands for “Blood Killer.” The two
represents the “B” in the alphabet, and the 11 represents “K.” Similarly, the
numbers 3, 18, 9, and 16 spell out "CRIP." Tattoos of hands forming coded
symbols are also common.
MOB - Bloods will often have the letters MOB - standing for "Member of
Blood" tattooed somewhere on their body. A dog paw is also a common
tattoo among them potentially accompanied by the word “Dawg.” The word
"Piru" comes from the original Blood gang, called the "Compton Pirus."
They were named after West Piru street in Los Angeles.
Mythological creatures - Mythological creatures are pretty common
tattoos in prison. Now, I’m not talking unicorns and other pretty shit like
that. Go ahead and ask for a unicorn tattoo in prison and see where that
lands you, not with a lot of street cred, that’s for sure. However, demons
and dragons are common. It’s a way of saying that the inner darkness in a
person is finally breaking out now that they’re behind bars because shit runs
differently here. Odinism is also hugely popular in the prison system. Their
belief system is rooted in Greek mythology where you can find a lot of
mythological creatures.
Back of the arm eyes - If you get tattoos of eyes on the back of your arm,
you’re saying, “Jump me from behind and you’ll regret it, mother fucker.”
Clown faces - Clowns are scary and so are clown tattoos, but behind bars,
they’re pretty common. They mean “Laugh now, cry later,” and usually
show a smiling clown and a sad clown. These are typically worn by
Southsiders and Mexican gang bangers.
EWNM - EWNM is an acronym meaning, “ Evil, wicked, nasty, mean” and
is tattooed across a prisoner’s knuckles in order to show everyone how
EWNM he can really be. The letters are especially visible when getting
punched upside the face.
Face tattoos - You have to be a pretty bold mother fucker to get your face
tatted up, or one of the “Lil” mumble rappers, but in prison, it’s a relatively
common practice. There’s a formula to this one. The more face tattoos you
have, the longer your sentence. If you decide to be like that guy who got his
entire face covered in tattoos and then surgically forked his own tongue,
then it’s probably better to stay in for a while.
Hell’s Angels - The group has a few tattoos and symbols that mark a
member. The notorious "Death's head" represents the gang, while the
rhombus-shaped “1%” tattoo signifies that the Hell’s Angel is a rebel. It's a
direct reference to the American Motorcyclist Association which claims
that while most motorcyclists are decent people, one percent of them are
outlaws. The letters “AFFA” are sometimes also seen tattooed on the body
of a Hell’s Angel. The letters stand for “Angel Forever, Forever Angel.”
 SECTION 5: PRISON FOOD
RECIPES
Just like Rocky Mountain Oysters can be a semi-misleading dish, prison
food will leave you queasy and wondering what the fuck you just ate. For
those who don’t know, Rocky Mountain Oysters contain no oysters
whatsoever. In fact, they’re the flattened and deep-fried testicles of young
bulls. Just because prison calls things by their society-food-given label, like
“fish sticks” or “chicken,” doesn’t mean you’re actually eating that. State-
issued prison food tastes like dog vomit peppered with pumpkin poop with
a dash of gonorrhea as I already mentioned in the Prison Food Life Hacks
section.
So, if you’re able to opt out of the state-issued meals by purchasing
or hustling for commissary food with a prison side hustle, like slinging ink,
you’re going to be living like a street overlord. Inmates don’t just get clever
with life hacks; they get creative with food recipes, too.
Here’s a shortlist of the penitentiary’s favorite big house recipes:

DELICIOUS RECIPES FROM THE JOINT

Cheeto-Flavored Ramen Burritos
This is a shockingly delicious way to mix up Ramen Noodles, which as you
now know are a penitentiary staple. Eat half of your bag of Cheetos, buy the
smaller bags, and then add part of your Ramen Noodle pack to the bag.
You can also add in Jalapeño Smartfood popcorn or pretzel bites,
crunchy Cheetos, Goldfish crackers, and hot sauce (all which can be
purchased from commissary). Add water and mix it all together. Then, stuff
it into a tortilla and add Velveeta cheese to the mix. The Ramen Noodles act
as the beans and rice, while the other ingredients are used for other filler
flavors.
Shake that baby up and fold it up into a tight little burrito shape.
Once you let it sit for about five minutes, it solidifies into an on-the-go
delicacy that you can eat sandwich-style without silverware or bowls.
Trash Can Ice Cream
If you can get the following items from someone you know in the kitchen
(Prison Rule 101: always be good to the people in the kitchen because they
can smuggle you goods general population can’t get), then you can make
your own ice cream in a trash can. Yum, yum, yum. Doesn’t it sound
delicious?
Here’s what you need:
●       30 packs of sugar smuggled from the chow hall or bought from
the commissary
●        Vanilla extract or vanilla-flavored coffee creamer bought from
the commissary
●        A bag of ice bought from the commissary
●        5 cartons of milk smuggled from the chow hal l
Once you have your ingredients, add ice to the trash can, be sure to
use a clean trash bag, please (for your own sake). Then add the sugar, milk,
salt, and vanilla creamer or extract.
Start mixing your materials. Once thoroughly mixed, you have
prison trash can ice cream. It ain’t no Coldstone, but it gets the job done.
Serve to your cellie and enjoy.
Chip Crumb Tamales
This prison rendition tamale recipe only really resemble street-made
tamales in shape, because they don’t exactly carry that delicious tamale
flavor (as you may realize with all of these gourmet prison food recipes).
Nonetheless, they’re easy to make and tastes delicious when covered with
hot sauce.
All you have to do is crunch up a bag of chips and make them
mushy by adding hot water. You can add lunch meat you smuggled from the
chow hall and squeeze on cheese that can be ordered from the commissary.
Drain any extra water from the bag and mold the chip wrapper with
contents inside into something that looks like a tamale. Add your sauce—
lots of it—and fuego !
Simplified Pad Thai
Craving Pad Thai but know that it’s going to be two to five years before
you’ll get it? No worries. Ramen Noodles are the base for many-a-prison-
recipe and this one is no exception. Add peanut butter, crushed peanuts, and
hot sauce, and there you go. It’s Pad Thai. Prison style.
Note: for some added flavor throw in some of your mystery lunch
meat from your brown bag lunch.
Ramen Noodle Pizza
This one is actually pretty good, and it also uses, you guessed it—Ramen
Noodles!
Mix your packet of crushed Ramen Noodles with some cracker
crumbs. Add hot water and spread your weird little mixture into a circular
shape. Now you have what is basically a pizza crust. You can add whatever
you want to your crust to fully customize your pizza into something that
will satisfy your craving.
Extra ingredients to consider are cheese spread, tomato sauce, hot
sauce, or any meat or veggies you can find.
It’s not delivery. It’s not DiGiorno. It’s not even pizza, but it works,
for now. 
Prison Brownie Bites
Baked goods are few and far between in prison, especially if you want
anything that even tastes a little bit “homemade.” But here is one
indulgence that could curb that craving.
You will need:
●        1 bag of chocolate chip cookies bought from commissary
●        3 Hershey bars or other chocolate bars of your choice from
commissary
●         1/2 cup of milk smuggled from the kitchen
●        A few packets of instant hot cocoa mix from commissary
Smash up all the cookies and add them to a container. Do the same
with the chocolate bars. Heat this mixture up until the chocolate is more or
less melted (refer back to the Prison Life Hack section to determine the best
way to heat things up). Mix it all up.
Microwave your milk (yes, some units have Microwaves, if yours
doesn’t get creative with the Life Hacks section again) for about a minute
and dissolve the hot chocolate. Stir the cocoa on top of your cookies and
chocolate mixture.
Then, if you know somebody who has rigged an oven (using the
microwave, which is very common in the joint), then you can bake your
mixture into delectable tasting brownie bites. If not, cook them up in your
microwave. And, if you’re on a yard with no microwave, eat them as is and
enjoy a little something that may give you a slice of freedom.
Pork Fried Rice
Curb your cravings for Chinese food with this concoction. While good
Chinese food is definitely not readily available behind bars, summer
sausage is. Here’s how to turn that summer sausage into a dish that will
tickle those taste buds for some good ‘ole Chinese food, kind of .
Here’s what you’ll need:
●        Half an onion or some onion powder smuggled from a kitchen
worker
●        Butter smuggled form the chow hall
●        1 bag of white rice bought from commissary
●        3 cups of water
●        Pork seasoning from your Ramen Noodles
●        Summer sausage from the commissary
Cook your onion in some of the butter using a microwave. Then,
mix your rice with the rest of the butter and the water and cook for 10
minutes using the microwave.
Add your summer sausage and put the mixture together stirring in
your seasoning packet. Chī hǎo hē hǎo!
Fake Cognac
While this cognac recipe does not include any real alcohol, adding prison
pruno or white lighting can give it the kick it needs. Even the virgin recipe
will still allow Inmates to relax a little bit.
Here’s how it’s done:
●        1 can of cherry Kool-Aid or cherry-flavored soda
●        4 teaspoons of instant coffee
 ●        A packet of instant hot chocolate
●        Cappuccino mix
●        Sugar
●        A single serving carton of milk
●       1 cup of pruno or white lighting that can be bought from a
fellow inmate or made yourself
Once you mix all of these ingredients together, you have your
cognac flavored beverage and are free to kick back.
Peckerwood Pi e
Here’s some prison knowledge for you. As I touched on in the tattoo
section, much of the peckerwood prison subculture had its beginnings in the
desegregation of United States prisons. Here’s some more trivia for you,
Aryan Brotherhood had its beginnings in the San Quentin State Prison in
1964 as a response to the newly-formed black prison gang Black Guerilla
Family. The San Quentin State Aryan Brotherhood uses the gang Family
Affiliated Irish Mafia (FAIM) for its street-operated activity. The Aryan
Brotherhood of Texas was formed in the 80s after the dismantling of the
"Building tender" system in which groups were segregated. The gang
spread all over the country from there.
I know, Peckerwood Pie doesn’t sound like something you’d want to
eat. But this pie is actually really fucking good. It’s a childhood dessert
fantasy fully realized.
So here’s what you need to make it:
●        2 big cookies, whatever flavor you prefer, bought from the
commissary
●        1 brownie bought from commissary
●        1 pouch of pudding bought from commissary
●        2 Honey Buns from commissary
●        1 Butterfinger from commissary
●        1 pouch of peanut butter and jelly from commissary
●        1 bag of peanuts from commissar y
Place the Honey Buns on the bottom and put the brownie in between
the cookies and smash it down. Crush up the Butterfinger and nuts. Make it
flat as flat as you can, and then throw in the pudding, drizzle the peanut
butter and jelly on top, and sprinkle it with Butterfinger and the nuts as the
final layer. It’s a quadruple stacked Big Mac of sweets. 
This is the kind of shit you would make if you had access to a lot of
processed desserts and no adult supervision. I’m not saying the Peckerwood
Pie will impress visually because it looks like a big ass mess, but it will
impress once you take a bite. The Peckerwood Pie is a staple treat for
birthdays or when one of the fellas is going home.
Note: Any ingredient can be substituted for any other sweet, and the
more sweets, the better the pie.
The Spread
The Spread? Talk to anybody who has done any amount of time and he or
she will be able to talk about “The Spread.” Sure, it sounds a lot like what
the guards make you do when you get to prison, but it’s actually a really
satisfying culinary experience that has nothing to do with the invasive
nature of behind-bars full cavity checks.
The Spread is a delicious, Top Ramen-based culinary experience. I
say “culinary experience” because it’s about way more than what you eat.
It’s also about who you eat it with. The spread is a social gathering just as
much as it is a way to mix up the monotony of prison food. Inmates make
spreads nightly with their cellies or CAR on the tier, and huddle around and
share the meals on brown bags or plastic bags that are used as big family-
style platters.
First, here’s what you need for a 2 person spread (the volume
increases based on the number of people who will be participating:
●         2 packs of Top Ramen Noodles from commissary
●        1 bag of chips from commissary (usually Flaming Hot
Cheetos)
●        1 mayonnaise packet from your brown bag lunch
●        1 mustard packet from your brown bag lunch
●        1 bag of beef jerky from commissary
●        Sliced cheese from your sandwich at lunch
●        Lunch meat from your bagged lunch
●        1 bag of beans from commissary
●        1 big plastic bag to mix the ingredients
 ●        Brown paper bag given to Inmates from their commissary
orders
Put Ramen Noodles in a plastic bag with some hot water and
whatever cheeses and meats you managed to get. You really want to make
sure that the bag doesn’t leak because you don’t want that shit leaking all
over your counter or prison cell. Once your noodles are cooked, add your
smashed-up chips and any sauces that you have. Garnish with other chips if
you’re feeling classy.
Making The Spread is also a social ritual. This is something worth
gathering around as a way to make what usually feels like a dump, feel a
little bit festive. Now, I’m not saying that The Spread has the same
celebratory powers as a backyard BBQ or some shit like that, but I am
saying that in some moments weird fucking Ramen Noodle mixtures make
you feel like you’re back on the streets hanging with your homies.
Once cooked and ready to serve, The Spread is dumped out on the
brown paper bag that has been cut and splayed open. Most of the time
Inmates eat The Spread on the brown paper bag on the floor of their cells,
making the experience feel even more carnal and ritualistic.
Note: anything else can be added or removed from The Spread, it’s a
fluid recipe and is a staple across the entire incarcerated population.
 SECTION 6: PRISON BODY
WEIGHT WORKOUTS
Everyone on the streets wants a killer body, but ain’t nobody willing to
actually kill for it. Yeah, you read that right. And, that’s why Inmates can
teach a thing or two about weightlifting.
Lifting weights in an American prison means joining a culture
unlike any seen on the streets in a globo gym, full of rusty pig iron and
oversized convicts. Men sacrifice masturbation to increase their bench-press
and squat weight. They consume cans of Jack Mack, Top Ramen Noodles,
peanut butter, and anything that has any amount of protein on the label.
And, in traditional prison fashion, it’s time you get exposed to that
felon fitness, those convict CrossFit classes and inmate plyometrics. It’s
time to get you Prison Jacked! 
Much like you, the incarcerated population refuse to get raped—by
outrageous gym fees, and that’s why everywhere can become a place to
train.
In this section I’m going to school you on:
Prison workout moves - Broken down by body part, you're going
to learn moves like the brutal one-legged "pistol" squat that tests your sheer
athleticism; core-strengthening Navy Seal push-ups that develop aerobic
capacity (aka your 'wind' in the joint); and tricep-busting back arm presses
inmates often perform on the metal sink, or their racks, in their cells.
How to make prison weights and equipment - You probably never
thought stretching and braiding a plastic lunch bag would become so useful,
or that your cellie would actually serve a valuable purpose. Move on over
Orange Theory, prison workouts are the real six-pack hack.
Cell workout routines - You’ll learn the towel pull up routine, the
52 Card Stud, and the Juarez Valley Method, to name a few. Before you
finish reading, you’ll be slingin’ water weight and pig iron in no time.
The Jailhouse Grind: The Behind Bars Daily Workout Routine
As I said, the prison yard weight pile is a mutha fuckin’ ritual unto
itself. Big ass convicts throwing weight around wearing their cut off sweat
shorts with big headphones and handmade Discman holders, waistbands
usually sewn from old Wrangler jeans or prison blues, as far as the eye can
see. Flashes of American History X may come to mind, where inmates flex
their strength to intimidate any would-be assailants. It's survival of the
fittest, a manly universe with rules and customs of its own.
Walking into the main yard of a maximum-security prison for the
first time is an unforgettable experience. A thousand sweat-drenched,
shirtless, tattooed inmates yelling and cursing over a bunch of rusty-iron
and home-welded equipment that looks like Hell; but Hell it’s not, and
lifting weights is practically a religion in American prisons. Considering
limitations on gym equipment and supplementation, convicts have thought
of some ingenious ways to get themselves stupid jacked. Sometimes too
jacked. In the mid-90s, a number of states passed laws that banned
weightlifting in prisons; the prison systems of Wisconsin, Mississippi,
North and South Carolina, Florida, and California all removed at least some
of the weightlifting equipment that had been in their yards for decades.
Georgia alone relieved itself of one hundred and fifty tons of steel .
If you’re locked up in California and other states where weights
have been removed, you will not have access to all the things the gym-goers
usually have access to such as actual weights or equipment. No dumbbells.
No treadmills. No floor-to-ceiling mirrors that allow you to look at your
biceps while you’re getting that sweet prison summer shred on.
But, you know what? That’s a good thing. Needing to work out in
your own cell means that you won’t have to deal with another spin
instructor douche bag saying shit like, “Another burn, another day” or “Sit
back and ride that saddle,” posting pictures of protein shakes with love and
gratitude messages to a bot riddled fake-following Instagram account.
Without gym equipment, you can still get a really good workout.
Exercise equipment is a lot of waste, really. With a prison workout, you can
combine stellar strength with cardio. Meaning, you will end up with the
look of someone with both agility and strength, rather than some of those
bodybuilder gym freaks with beer bellies, but huge biceps, and whose necks
are so thick they no longer have access to their own peripheral vision who
have a tough time wiping their own ass.
Before you get started, here are some prison workout rules to know:
 1. When you work out in your cell, the standard inmate workout
attire is white boxers, white tall socks, no shirt, and your convict
chucks.
2. Southsiders always do 113 burpees (or some number where they
end on 13). 
3. White boys always do 188 burpees (or some number where they
end on 88).
4. It’s mandatory for some CARs to work out.
5. You must work out with your own race.

Now that you got that rundown, here you have your very own prison
workouts and workout routines. If you ever get stuck without access to a
gym or if you just realize they’re not really worth the hassle, then you can
still get really fucking fit. Plus, these workouts are free, and you don’t have
to deal with meatheads and lines at the elliptical. These are great for
confined spaces like hotel rooms or your workspace cubicle which is a
prison in its own right.
Just remember, keep an eye on yo back cuz the C/Os are watchin’
and don’t be jumping workout CARs. Get yo sweat on!

UPPER BODY WORKOUTS

Push-ups
Push-ups are seriously underrated. They’re one of the best workouts
someone can do. They work your entire upper body, and depending on what
kind you can do, you will work different muscle groups. The wider grip is
great for your pecs, and a narrow grip is really good for your triceps. And,
if just moving your arms a little wider doesn’t provide you with enough
upper-body excitement, then here are more creative variations:
The Handstand Push-Up
If you belong in a prison that doesn’t have a dumbbell, you can still build
shoulder strength through the use of a push-up that looks a lot cooler than a
push-up. If you’ve reached the point in prison where you’ve already built
up a sense of agile manliness, then you can get into a handstand position on
your own. Otherwise, you can call on your friend the wall for some support.
This push-up requires more than your arms, utilizing your core in a big way
and forcing you to stabilize yourself as you dip down to the ground.
The Tiger Push-Up
Also known as the Hindu push-up. This is a sort of yoga/push-up hybrid.
It’s basically a push-up combined with downward dog and then an upward
dog. There are plenty of benefits to this one.
The One-Armed Push-Up
Perfect your balance and challenge your prison bros to a one-armed push-up
contest. If you don’t have any prison bros because you’re not in prison,
challenge your frat bros to this instead of the ass-chugging contest one of
them will inevitably propose. This is healthier and way more likely to get
you laid then sticking a beer-bong hose where you should be storing
contraband.
With push-ups alone, you can master a whole host of skills. You
have your strength, your balance, and some agility as well. It’s way better
than fighting over dumbbells.
Pull-Ups
Another staple that probably has us remembering our antiquated physical
education programs is the pull-up. While most of us never learned how to
maintain lifelong health, we all likely had to wait in line at the pull-up bar
and humiliate ourselves in front of our peers. If only you could go back to
P.E. after prison; then you would show that line of laughing shit kids what
you can do. Maybe that jock who is now an overweight P.E. teacher who
could do pull-ups when he was twelve, but now that you’re an incarcerated
adult, you can do every variation of a pull-up and make it look good .
If you’re in prison, try your best to find a bar that doesn’t block you
in. If you’re not in prison, you can find a bar almost anywhere. Monopolize
the monkey bars at the park. Put one in your doorframe like an insecure
adolescent. Start climbing some trees. Do anything to find yourself
something to pull your body up on, and try some of these less-traditional
variations:
The Typewriter Pull-up
This is where you start with a slightly wider overhand pull-up and then
move your body toward one hand. Move back to the center and then repeat
on the other side. Moving back and forth just like a typewriter (hence the
name).
The One-Handed Pull-Up
If you’re serving a lot of time, then you will probably master the one-
handed pull-ups. This is no easy feat, but it looks really fucking cool; so
you should go for it .
The Rocky-Commando Pull-up
We all love that Rocky montage. It’s American pop culture ingrained as the
ultimate fitness routine. It’s U.S. imperialism personified. That montage can
be you. Put one hand over the bar and one under, pulling your head to each
side for every other rep. Do that shit like Rocky did.
Towel Pull-Ups
Throw two towels over the bar gripping one in each of your sweaty-ass
hands. Pull yourself up by the towels practicing your ability to hold on to a
towel really tight which is also a good prison and/or gym and/or locker
room skill to have. Strong grip can come in handy when you need to choke
out any would-be assailants.
The Prison Pull-Up Pyramid
If you want an actual pull-up-based routine, try the Prison Pull-up Pyramid.
Pyramid-style workouts are amazing for building your fitness and have
been used by military-grade personnel everywhere to build strength and,
well, look tough AF, obviously. It’s called a pyramid workout because it
goes up and then back down like the shape of a pyramid. Although while
doing the workout you’re going to wish you were hanging in Egypt versus
sweating in a cell that’s just as hot.
The pyramid workout is pretty basic. Start with one rep and build up
to ten. Once there, go all the way back down. By the time you get back
down to the lower numbers, you won’t be able to do more reps, anyway. If
you’re a beginner, then you can start with the middle-level reps, around five
or six.
Dip s
Nope, not talking about chip dip. The nice thing about dips is that you don’t
really need any equipment to do them. A dip ring is unnecessary. The only
equipment you need is your basic bedroom which is a bed and a chair. You
can put your hands on a chair and your feet on the bed lowering yourself
down to work your pecs, triceps, shoulders, forearms, and your core. If that
gets too easy, add weight. Throw another piece of furniture onto your lap
and get low with it. In the joint, inmates use their racks, their toilets, their
sinks, wherever you can dip becomes a place to work out.

LOWER BODY WORKOUTS

Squats
Squats are forever and always one of the best workouts that we will ever
know. Whether you use weight or not, squats are great for pretty much all
muscle groups and movements.
Here, we have a few variations of squats. While you may be used to
measure your ability to squat based on the amount of weight you can do it
with, this is misleading. The number of squats and your variation truly
prove who you are and what you’re doing with your glutes.
If you are someone who considers your worth in weight, then grab
something heavy. You can either try and secure it to a bar if you’re really
old school or hold it out in front of you if you’re not. Even the classic
bodyweight squat works well, but if that just isn’t cutting it for you, grab
anything and everything and squat with it. Hell, use your bed. I don’t care.
But if you’re willing to go for some of the other variations for the
sake of originality, then here you go:
Squat Jumps
These are some of the absolute best ways to work what it is you need to
work. They’re dynamic, create explosive strength, and improve your
flexibility. They also work on cardio. The best part? You only need about
three square feet of space and a semi-high ceiling to do them. It’s simple.
You squat and on the ascent you jump. Hence the name, squat jumps.
Pistol Squat
This shit’s hard. By the time you’ve mastered some balance and a lot of
bodily stability, you can start working on this squat that physically
resembles part of the reason you might be in prison in the first place, a
pistol. This is a squat variation in which you hold one leg out in front of you
while dipping down into a full squat (yes, one-legged-squats). No weights
required, but because of the full range of motion and need for absolute
balance, it’s really hard. It takes months and patience.
Pro tip: Hold your toe with the opposite hand of the leg that you’re
squatting. It helps you stabilize and creates balance .
Lunges
You know another great bodyweight workout? Lunges. They’re like squats,
but they’re not squats. Interspersing squats with lunges is just enough of a
mix-up to feel like you’re doing something entirely new. So here’s how to
do a lunge workout that will add a little excitement to an otherwise boring
leg day.
The Prison Pyramid of Pain: Lunge Edition
Again, we have another pyramid workout for you. The thing is, pyramid
workouts are a really good way to build both strength and endurance and to
make sure that your muscles are operating at optimum capacity. So, for this
one, you start at twenty lunges and progressively work your way down. The
next one is nineteen reps, followed by eighteen, seventeen and sixteen etc.
All-in-all, you will complete two hundred and ten reps.
So, what’s your rest time between sets? Walk your cell. That means
you’re walking about sixteen meters between each set which isn’t a lot of
recovery, but it’s good for you to increase the pace.

TOTAL BODY WORKOUTS

We’ve focused on the upper body and lower body, but what about a
workout that takes care of them both at the same time? Does that even exist
within the confines of a prison cell? Yes.
So many bodyweight workouts are actually total body workouts.

Hanging Leg Raises

The hanging leg raise works every single muscle in the middle of your body
and even some muscles from your lower body. To do this exercise, you only
need something to hang from. Grab that bar, lift yourself up, and lift your
legs. If you can’t handle the straight leg yet, then bend your knees. Give it a
few months, and you’ll be able to straighten your legs. This is especially
true if you’re in prison because if one thing guarantees that you’ll stick to
your routine, it’s prison (yes, prison is the ultimate productivity hack).
Here are some other variations to give you a little diversity:

Full Straight Leg Raises

This is the basic leg raise, but all the way. No stopping just because they’re
elevated. Keep them going all the way up until they touch the bar behind
you. Think of yourself like a pole vaulter, except the one who’s not going
anywhere.

Towel Straight Leg Raises

This is one of those that improves your grip as well. Toss the towels over
whatever bar or branch you’ve chosen, and then do your leg raises gripping
the towel.

One-arm Straight Leg Raise

If you’ve noticed a pattern here, you’ve probably noticed that anything
done with one arm elevates your inmate status into somebody a little bit
tougher. It works this way in the outside world, too. Try your hand at
gripping a bar and doing the leg raise only one-handed. Good luck.

Burpees
Everyone dreads burpees, but that’s because they work. The most I’ve done
in one sitting is 2500, and that’s not the record. Nobody ever got fit from
half-assed shit. You can’t read a magazine while sitting on a weight bench
and expect to grow muscles, but burpees can definitely make you get wind
and get lean. This is one way to build aerobic capacity within the confines
of a jail cell.
You probably know how to do a burpee, but just in case you don’t,
here it is:
 Start in a squat, put your hands in front of you and kick back into a
push-up position. Do the pushup, then go back to the squat as fast as you
can, jump and clap your hands above your head. That’s one burpee. 
If you want to get even more advanced, do a burpee with a pull-up
instead of a push-up in between. That’s called a Burpee Pull-up.
Now, let’s talk about a burpee-based prison burn. There are so many
workouts you can do with burpees alone. They are one of the best and the
most effective prison exercises because they work your entire body and
allow cardio training that takes up almost no space.
Burpees might sound monotonous, but there are plenty of ways you
can mix it up, like some of the below routines:
●       For time - Do one hundred burpees as fast as you can. The faster you
get, increase the number. If you’re a South Sider you’ll be doing 113,
and a white boy you’ll be doing 188.
●       Deck of Cards Burpee Workout - Shuffle a deck of cards. The red
cards are burpees, and the black cards are mountain climbers. Pull a
card. The number you get is the number of reps of the black or red
exercise that you do.
●       Burpee intervals - Do burpees for one full minute followed by push-
ups until failure. Then, rest for one minute. Next, do a minute of
burpees followed by ten pull-ups. Rest for one minute. For the set, do
one minute of burpees followed by twenty-five squats. Rest one
minute. You can do this circuit as many times as you want.
These workout routines are designed to make inmates cringe, but in
that good way that athletic people like.
Body weight exercises are a good way to burn fat and build muscle.
Your own body is a perfect conditioning tool, and there are a surprising
number of workouts that you can do while incarcerated. These also work
well if you’re traveling, stranded on an island, or just sick of working out
alongside cocky CrossFitters who scream when they lift and tout irritating
values like teamwork and finishing first.

MAKING PRISON WEIGHTS & EQUIPMENT

How in the Hell are you supposed to work out if you got no workout shit?
You do the convict shuffle and improvise. Here are some various ways to
make yourself some weights while living your life caged in a room the size
of a Starbucks container closet:
1. The NatGeo Dumbbell - Wrap your books in a pillowcase,
then create a handle using old National Geographic
magazines for the coveted prison-style barbell.
2. Water Baggin’ - Make a water workout bag from stolen
trash bags kicked down to you by the porter, and fill up the
bag with your sink water. Make sure to double and even
triple up so you don’t spill. Use the weight however you
deem fit.
3. The Prison Versatile Towel - That towel becomes useful.
When working out with your cellie, he can get down on one
knee and (not what you’re thinking) do tricep pulldowns by
pulling down on the towel, keeping his elbows glued to his
body while you provide resistance as you’re doing bicep
curls. Then, switch. This can work in any other push/pull
combination.
4. The Cell Pump - Prison rack, toilet, and sink all become
places to do dips and push-ups.
5. The Plastic Jump Rope - Plastic bags stretched out and
braided can be used for a jump rope.
6. Slip and Socks - Socks on cement become very useful
when doing mountain climbers, Navy Seal push-ups, and
anything else that will be useful to slide your feet. You can
also put your socks on your hands and do workouts in a
push-up position, sliding your hands out and back. Just
make sure those aren’t socks your cellie used for his fifi
(see Section 1 Prison Slang if you don’t remember what a
fifi is).
7. The Cellie Weight - Your cellie will never serve a greater
purpose than as your weight. Throw him on your back and
do some heavy squats. Without actual weights, this is your
next best thing.

See? You don’t need actual gym equipment to work out. So, the next
time you’re stuck on a work trip with no time and a million excuses why
you can’t get your shred on, use these prison workout hacks and get after it.
You’ll be that much closer to that killer convict body you’ve always
wanted, without the killing part.
Keep reading to put it all together.

WORKOUT ROUTINES
Put it All Together. Your Homemade Prison Workout Without
the Prison.
Now that you know what inmates do for their exercise moves, and the
equipment they use, it’s time to learn a few prison-based routines. For all of
these workouts, you need minimal equipment because inmates aren’t
allowed to have a lot of shit. The only thing you really need is mental
toughness because inmates do need to be tough as shit. So here are a few
workouts that beat doing yogalates for forty-five minutes to an irritating
blend of 80s-style aerobic instrumentals and a smattering of meditative
gongs.
The Playing Card Workout of Pain
What do you associate with playing cards? Probably not pain. Maybe
enjoyment, maybe a gambling addiction that won’t go away, but usually not
pain. At least not the physical kind.
In prison there’s a whole host of ways to use playing cards to make
you feel pain. While this might not sound like a good thing, it is if you want
to feel at least a little post-workout burn from an exercise worth doing. For
this workout, you assign each suit an exercise. For example, check out the
following:
Clubs: Pull-ups
Diamonds: Push-Ups
Spades: Squats
Hearts: Hanging Leg Raises
Draw your cards and whichever suit you have, that’s your
exercise. Whatever number you have, that’s how many you gotta do. Face
cards are ten reps and Aces are eleven. Do them all and trust me, you’ll feel
it .
The 52 Card Stud
Clearly, cards are an asset in prison. You can use them to win Honey Buns
or as a healthier alternative, you can use them to get stupid jacked.
Take your cards, shuffle them, and flip the first card face up. If you
get a face card, you have to do ten push-ups. For any other card, you have
to do the number of push-ups that it tells you to do. This will total to three
hundred and eight push-ups which happens to be more push-ups than most
people do in their lives. See how long it takes you to complete it. Race
against other inmates. Race against yourself. Just try to get through it.
The Juarez Valley Method
Juarez Valley Prison is known to be one of the world’s most dangerous
prisons. This means that their workouts are going to be hard because the
inmates themselves are hard. For this workout, pick one exercise. You’re
going to do twenty sets of one exercise, as shown:
●        Set 1: 20 reps
●        Set 2: 1 reps
●        Set 3: 19 reps
●        Set 4: 2 reps
●        Set 5: 18 reps
●        Set 6: 3 reps
●        Set 7: 17 reps
●        Set 8: 4 reps
●        Set 9: 16 reps
●        Set 10: 5 reps
●         Set 11: 15 reps
●        Set 12: 6 reps
●        Set 13: 14 reps
●        Set 14: 7 reps
●        Set 15: 13 reps
●        Set 16: 8 reps
●        Set 17: 12 reps
●        Set 18: 9 reps
●        Set 19: 11 reps
●        Set 20: 10 reps
Don’t take a lot of rest, maybe pace your cell one time, and then get
back down to it. Finish as fast as you possibly can.
Grease the Groove
Instead of doing one workout a day, do a bunch of workouts a day. Every
half hour, do ten of one exercises. While that may seem easy, and it’s
technically less grueling than some of the others, and you will still get in a
lot of reps. Plus, it’s a great way to use your time and make your days go by
faster which is always a nice goal while you’re sitting in the clink.
Prison leaves you a lot of time for a lot of things. One of those
things is getting super shredded. In some ways, prison is the ideal fitness
retreat. It’s like a beach body boot camp without the coffee and lame brunch
afterwards sitting around other middle-aged white people speaking out
positive declarations. In prison, rather than having a middle-aged ex-
bodybuilder trainer screaming down your throat or undergoing some sort of
six-week colon cleanse, you’re just getting fit because you want to be in
shanking shape.
Plus, getting strong and conditioned is a great defense in a
population that may hate you for no reason, and may require you to fight for
survival. Use your prison powers wisely and enjoy that hard body without
doing that hard time.
 SECTION 7: HOW WOULD YOU
FARE IN PRISON?
As I was finishing this book with my wife, she asked me how she would
fare in prison, and it made me realize this needed to be included.
My wife is five foot and ten inches, a hot little CrossFitty Type-A
powerhouse with an East Coast mouth (by her own accord). She doesn’t
gossip, but definitely tells you how it is. She’s also a straight-up hustler who
can sell ice to an Eskimo and has platinum blonde hair and a booty with all
the right curves.
So I broke it down to her like this:

1. Routine - She likes to be in control of her every action, and this

was going to be a disadvantage. Why? Because you lose any and
all type of freedom the moment you hit the slammer. In reality,
she’d have to jump right into a prison routine that kept her busy
and productive. From reading to working out, her routine would
be the life or death of her prison bid.
2. Physical Appearance - Her look could be an advantage or
disadvantage. Although she’s taller and bigger than most girls,
she’s still smaller than the biggest of them. So, she’d easily fend
off the smaller girls, but the bigger ones may come right after
her.
3. Personality - Her mouth could be either a savior or impediment
depending on how she used it. She has the gift of gab, which
could win her favor with other inmates and guards, but she also
has a very small filter, which means a lot of what she thinks, she
says. And that could cause some issues.
4. Intelligence - She has street and book smarts which could be a
positive, but could also land her in trouble because she can be too
smart for her own good. Intelligence is not always a plus in
prison.
5. Mindset - She has a very “Eat, Sleep, Pray” mentality. She's
been called the Joel Osteen of finance. This will help her get
 through her bid, but she’ll stand out in prison and that’s never a
good thing either.
Follow the flow chart below to see where you’d end up during
your prison bid.
 SECTION 8: PAROLE DATE
Fuck prison. You’re under twenty-four hour surveillance. You can’t take a
shit without being watched. There are no women in men’s prison and no
men in women’s prison, and conjugal visits are a thing of the past. The food
is pure misery, and by the end of your sentence, you’ll realize that you sat
and stared at your prison cell wall way more than you should have.
You will also realize that you’re really fucking smart, and maybe
just need to find a more positive outlet. Inmates are the most creative
mother fuckers on the planet. Creativity thrives in prison like nowhere else
and when this ambition is harnessed the right way can be an unstoppable
force.
The only other plus is that once you parole you will have that
‘prison swagger.’ The swagger comes from the mental confidence you earn
by overcoming a place like prison. Once you do that you will realize you’re
invincible and you will own a bulletproof mentality.
People pay money to go to creativity retreats and corporate-hosted
brainstorming sessions to try to achieve some sort of inner inspiration and
mental toughness. In reality, you need time and boredom and a little
creativity that can’t be bought. You need the kind of creativity that’s born
out of pure necessity. You need to not be too afraid to break the rules.
Breaking rules is an instrumental skill to being a successful human. Prison
tries its very best to kill that, and tries to “normalize” Inmates in a way that
makes them complacent. Complacent toward shitty food. Complacent
toward abuse of power. Complacent toward poor conditions, slave wages
and the lack of accessibility to anything that would make our lives easy .
That’s okay because convicts find a way out of this kind of mental
and emotional entrapment. We cannot be contained within any cell or
within any mold.
The hacks in this book are a way to control an environment in which
we usually don’t have any control at all. They’re a way to fight for freedom
and to create a culture of individuality and triumph. And you know what
else? These hacks are fucking genius.
You may never spend time in prison, but the ingenuity that these
hacks offer can always serve as inspiration. Maybe you’ll start to see
Ramen Noodles for what they are; a food through which you can create
endless other culinary masterpieces that can be bartered for goods with a
much higher street value. Maybe reading these prison hacks will allow you
to see shitty situations for what they are too which is a way to come out on
top because, as these hacks prove, there ain’t shit that can stop you from
living a bold audacious life. And, look at the bright side, thanks to the
content in this book, you’re more ready for the zombie apocalypse than ever
before.
But, hopefully, you don’t ever actually end up in prison because
while all of these hacks are cool as hell, prison still totally fucking sucks .
And, remember, don’t drop the soap. 
 Special Thanks
First and foremost, thanks to God (I know, that’s such an inmate thing to
say).
An unconditional thank you to my wife, Danielle. You’re the
greatest friend, support system, business partner, lover, wife and human I’ve
ever known. I love you always.
Thanks to my mom, sisters, and my brother. I love you guys,
always. Thanks for loving me through all of my shit (lol)!
Huge thanks to the best editor and writer I know, Emily Hubbell. I
am filled with so much gratitude for the time, energy and support you
provide. Without your help, this book would still be a street dream! Thank
you!
Special thanks to Chelsea Carrick, Chris Redliz, Bev Parenti, Liz
Aiello, Jim Bilodeau and Sway. Also, Stephen Bronner, Dan Bova, Deepa
Shah and the rest of the Entrepreneur team.
And, thanks to Emily Ritter and Jessica Gang (gang gang gang).
Thanks to Jeff, Crenshaw and Matt for always being down for the
cause. Love you dudes. And to all my Day One homies from DC to Pants,
Chet, Pizi, Kibbee, Hughes, Keela, James Brady, Young, Esco, Knight, B
Franny, Nate Dogg, Suffolk Posse, DAF, and all my other crazy homeboys
including Da, Ha, Ounie and the rest of the crew.
Love and respect to the homies from the joint. Special love and
thanks to my Day One brother Jake. Also, Johnny Korea, Thumper, Brian,
Harry, Chad, PeeWee, Spider from Santa Ana, Joker from FTroop, Squints,
T-Mac, Don Dotta OG Crip from Vegas, Brandon from NLR, the fellas
from Peni, and all the other wild dudes I’ve met along the way.
To the Judge, the DA, and the NV and OC probation departments,
big thank you as well. Without your contribution, I would not have had the
opportunity to go to prison and write this classic .
Shoutout to Tupac, Snoop and all of Death Row, Sublime, Snot,
311, Biggie and Bad Boy, Wu-Tang, Metallica, Pantera, Misfits, Slayer,
Dropkick Murphys, Scarface, Alkoholics, Luniz, Domino, Pennywise,
Lagwagon, NoFx, Dilated Peoples, Busta, Shyne, DMX, Westside
Connection, Fat Joe and Big Pun, Mobb Deep, all the Outlawz, and Warren
G for keeping my mood right all the way from the streets to the pen and up
to the C-suite. If this sounds like the roll call on a Sublime album, that’s
because it should, ‘cuz that’s where I got the inspiration from.
Oh, and mad respect and big ups to anyone being themselves and
making a fuck ton of money doing it.
We out this mutha fucker! Deuces !