Sa Susunod na Habang Buhay

by Reba Sebastian Galut

Sa susunod na habang buhay na lang.

I can imagine you saying this, Mama, drawing your last breaths; thinking your last thoughts.
Your life had been a rollercoaster. When you passed the Titas and I would often say that
you lived an MMK episode, what with its twists and turns. You had roses in your funeral. I
really tried not to cry, to keep my composure. But you’re gone and there were so many
questions left unanswered.

That was two years ago.

Kaya naman kahit nahihirapan.

You deteriorated. You beat cancer once before; not this time. It was hard to see you
succumb to the disease eating you from the inside. It was hard to hear about it from class.
The grief is long. Compared to the battles you fought, they are nothing, and I remind myself
of this every single day when I want to give up.

Tahanang pinagpaguran, san na napunta?

You held the fort all by yourself, Mama. I was too young, too naïve to understand. I didn’t
know how much you were suffering. If I could go back, I would have done everything I
could just to alleviate some of that. But you’re gone and I would only realize that my
strength was just a small mirror of yours.

Hindi ba, pangako mo nung una, tiwala’y iingatan?

He didn’t though. You were tied to him and him to you but the miles between you cannot
even fathom the distance that had grown – the rot, the pain, the necrosis. You hid it so well.
Oh, so very well. You shouted and took your frustration on us, and we flew. We tried to get
away; we didn’t understand. I wish I persevered more to crack your shell.

Ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin na mahalin sa susunod na habang buhay.

He took you to hell and left you there. You loved him so dearly and he cared so little that he
made so many snide comments. He wouldn’t even own up to all the mistakes he did to you.
I was mad. Why stay? Why go through all that? I used to be mad. But you did that to keep
the family together, even when it was just you through-and-true. In the end though I saw
how deeply you loved him. You were almost bedridden, dialysis thrice a week, skin flaky,
bones showing. Your eyes were the saddest part: worried, regretful. We went to the beach
for the last time. You looked to the distant point, holding his hand. I hated to see him do
that, I hated having to be forced into a picture with him. But this photo is the last we would
ever take together.
I wish there was a better ending. That you went happily or you weren’t in pain. But I know
you were. The lingering thought that gives me comfort is wherever you are, you’re at peace.
Sa susunod na habang buhay na lang, Mama.