What to do when women are scared of your charm.

Women are nice. They’re curvy and cute, and when they love us they really love us. I am
convinced they love 3 or 4 times harder than guys do. That makes them hesitant to get
involved with us because they know we can dominate and decimate their lives.

Think about that next time you approach a woman. The risk seems like it is yours but it is
actually hers. You might get rejected but she might fall in love, and for a woman there is
no bigger tragedy. What happens when you kick her out the next morning? What about
her friends, her career, her boyfriend, her life? What happens when her expectations
become hopelessly entangled with you?

The more charming you are the more immediately does she feels this danger. This is the
law of Diminishing Charming Returns (DCR). Your greatness creates hesitation in her to
take the action that will fulfill her attraction to you. “I like you but I can’t sleep with
you,” she says. See, you can be so attractive you scare the crap out of her. The idea of
going too far and too fast with you creates a fear of powerlessness as her life is shaken
and rearranged by your charms.

So what should you do to lesson her fear so she is free to jump your bones?

Unfortunately pushing her away is a common mistake. We guys are sometimes so

expecting rejection that we fail to recognize her hesitancy as a DCR problem not a lack of
attraction. We try to protect ourselves and play coy.

Her: “I can’t give you my number?”

Guy: “What, are you kidding? I’m not trying to pick you up. Frankly you aren’t my type.
You’re friend material.”

Wrong line @ the wrong time. This is akin to handing your card out to women and
expecting them to call. They generally won’t make the effort to pursue you - especially if
they find you attractive as that would be even scarier. Look in the mirror and think about
it.

Another way that men try to deal with the DCR problem is to steamroll or yes-chain a
woman into submission. Women may play stupid but rarely are they that stupid.

Guy: “Do you like happy people?”

Her: “Yes.”

Guy: “Do you like chocolate?”

Her: “Yes.”
Guy: “Do you want to go to my bedroom?”

Her: “Yes. Oh, wait I mean…”

Guy: “No, no. You said yes. You aren’t the type of girl to go back on her word are you?”

Her: “Yes. I mean no. Uh… look, in your kitchen, it’s Jessica Biel naked!”

Guy: “Really? Wait, I don’t see her… Hey, where did you go?”

Another solution you might be tempted to try is to work harder in showing what a great
guy you are. That is what our intuition tells us to do when we mis-read the situation and
think she doesn’t like us enough. She likes us enough. Trying harder with a DCR
situation will either make you look like you’re trying harder which is not cool or will
succeed in making you look like a superman and that will increase her fear of going along
with you.

You could try the opposite and be anti-charming; ask a bunch of leading questions, act
anti-social, tell her you’re a disco queen. But that’s no good. Your charm is the petro that
powers her attraction. Stop pushing on that pedal and your car rolls backwards down the
hill into the ditch. In my experience you need a steady pressure of charm on the pedal to
keep things moving forward.

The proper response to a DCR problem is to empower her to fix the problem herself. You
give her this power by creating a specific picture of the two of you together @ the next
step in your relationship and then shutting up and giving her time to figure out how to
include you in her life in an orderly way.

She is the foremost expert on herself. Only she can figure out how to include you in her
life. You have to acquire the habit of letting her do this while enticing her with a picture.

You: “I would like you to come back to my place and see my new fish. I have one of
those fish that blow up. Problem is I don’t have names for them yet. We can sit on my
sofa, polishing off a bottle of cheap 98 red and make up names for my fish and then you
can meet my room mates when they get home if you want. One of them is a writer for the
Onion.”

Her: “I just met you and already you are trying to get me back to your place?”

You: “Yes, I like you cause you have a unique way of looking at things and that is sexy
to me and I have cheese to go with the crackers. My place is near the subway so when
you’re ready to go you can give me the finger and leave me in the dust.”

Her: “I don’t know. What about my friends?”

You: “I’m sure you will figure out something to tell them.”
Her: “Okay, only for a couple hours.”

You: “Of course.”

Because the picture is specific, it is limited. That limitation allows her to feel more in
control. She feels as if she will have time to work out the logistics of hooking up with
you. At the same time she will begin to imagine where the picture of the two of you can
lead. It will expand and simmer in her imagination. She will then begin to make plans, ‘I
could call into work sick tomorrow morning and tell my boyfriend I drank too much and
had to stay at my moms. I could see what this guy is like and not fall in love right away
since I still have a boyfriend.’ Those thoughts take time. Be patient. No push or pull,
nudge or spin is necessary. Just paint an increasingly specific and limited picture and this
will allow her to find a way to go on the adventure which is waiting with you.

-Wayne Elise