The Autobiography of the Other Lady Gaga 

by Jack Alvarez

Excerpts from the collection

Translated from Filipino by John Toledo

BOABY*

*anagram for Baboy (Filipino for swine)

I hurriedly stripped and disrobed his thawb when we – the Arab and I – entered the
room.

“Heard the news about the virus?” His question when I was about to kiss.

“I don’t have HIV, I am clean,” I replied.

“Not AIDS. Swine flu,” he declared when I started caressing his cock and balls.

“Yeah, I heard ’bout it,” I said as if losing my drive to stroke some more.

Annoying. Why does he have to discuss swine flu?

Ah, I found out, news spread that the alleged A(H1N1) virus is now here in Saudi Arabia.
And what’s so disheartening, a Pinoy was its first carrier. A nurse assigned at Riyadh
showed symptoms of the virus after coming back from her vacation in the Philippines.

“Because those pigs are very dirty,” he scoffed after recalling the news. For him, pigs
aren’t only dirty but are also forbidden to be eaten nor to be touched in Islam.
“But I eat pig. You know pork chop, pork barbeque, pork adobo? Very delicious,” I
reacted with a hint of laughter.

“No, habibi. It’s okay.” He wooed me while he fondled my chest.

And my torrid tongue ended our discussion about swine flu. I want to convince him
that it’s not the pig’s fault they’re loathed. That night, I let him treat me like a pig.

Notes:

Saudi Arabia confirms 1st case of A(H1N1) 

06/03/2009 | 06:37 PM arabnews.com
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – Saudi Arabia has announced its first case of swine flu, after a Filipino
nurse living in the kingdom tested positive for the disease. Health Minister Abdullah bin
Abdulaziz says the nurse didn’t show any symptoms at the Riyadh airport when she arrived
last Friday from a vacation in the Philippines. The minister says she developed symptoms
three days later and was tested as part of a routine check at the clinic she works at. A second
teat confirmed the virus on Wednesday morning. The health ministry did not provide the
woman’s name or give other details. The minister says the nurse has been quarantined and
is getting medical attention.

thawb – a white robe worn by Saudis

habibi – ‘my love’

“He explained to me what the

police wanted. He gave me a
 condom from his wallet. I had no
choice.”
—Jack Alvarez, as translated by John Toledo

PGA-BIIG*

*anagram for Pag-ibig (Filipino for love)

I hit the road to Al-Khobar with my Arab boyfriend. It’s only there in Khobar where an
office receives contributions for the Pag-Ibig Fund. I’d like to update my payment for
Pag-Ibig because I plan to apply for a housing loan to renovate my house, a promise I
made to Mama in the Philippines.

There’s no office or legitimate collector of Pag-Ibig at Jubail. The distance of Khobar to

Jubail is like Manila to Olongapo. More or less 100 kilometres or not more than a two-
hour trip.

We were held by the police at a checkpoint. They were more suspicious for they
noticed a Filipino with an Arab. Their eyes heat up at the sight of shaven, clean, and
white.

Yasser stepped out of the car and passed to the police his National ID and driver’s
license. I peeked from the side mirror. I think Yasser is explaining. I was told to step
out. They talked to us. Asked us where we’re off to, when we’re coming back, where
we’re working. And whispered something to my companion. Yasser pulled me back to
the car. He explained to me what the police wanted. He gave me a condom from his
wallet. I had no choice. He made the first step. I followed the negotiations.

I went out of the car. Straight to the police post. I knew what would happen.
I think it lasted less than three minutes. I pulled some tissue and wiped the sweat off
my face and the saliva sticking on my tongue and ears.

I went back to the car. Sat silently. Yasser glanced. I never looked back.

And he pulled a 150 on the meter.

“I am sorry. I love you…” he whispered while the stereo screamed song lyrics.

Habibi anna… habibi anna…

Our favorite. When its playing on the radio and when we’re both singing it.

I turned off the stereo.

Motherfucker, that love, damn… my mind rebels.

But I still need to pay my Pag-ibig fund.

We’ve got a long way to go. Five more checkpoints ahead.

Notes:

Al Khobar is one of the three main cities in the Eastern Province, the others being Dammam
and Dhahran.

In 1975, Jubail was designed as a new industrial city by the Saudi government and has seen
rapid expansion and industrialization since. The industrial city is a complex of petrochemical
plants, an iron works and a number of companies, plus a Royal Saudi National Base. It held
the Middle East’s largest and the world’s 4th largest petrochemical company, SABIC. Jubail is
home to the world’s largest seawater desalination plant. It provides 50% of the country’s
drinking water through desalination of the water from the Persian gulf.
Habibi anna – my love

Photo by Ted Regencia

EIEPMYDA* 

*anagram for Epidemya (Filipino for epidemic)

Protests and demonstrations sprang up here in the Middle East that began in Tunisia
and Egypt which have ousted their presidents. Also, a wave of demonstrations followed
in Algeria, Jordan, Oman, and Yemen. There was civil uprising in Lebanon, Libya, and
Bahrain against the monarchy of the Khalifa family. Bahrain restricted Saudis to visit
their country since martial law was declared. Only a causeway separates the two
nations and is several miles away from the kingdom. Bahrainians migrate to Saudi
because it’s more open as compared to Saudi. There are night bars, cinemas, and of
course, women.

Last month, Salman told me he’s on leave for a week. He plans to join his friends in
Dubai for a vacation. UAE’s peaceful so it’s safe to have a vacation there. I didn’t argue
anymore since he hasn’t been to Bahrain which Saudis visit weekly to unwind.

He booked from Saudi Airlines a flight to Dubai and got an accommodation at the
Intercontinental Hotel.

“Of course not. You and me and nobody else,” he even said in one of our voice calls
that he would never do it when I reminded him that if he will fuck women or gay men,
he needs to use condom. “What do you want from here?” He asked to shift our topic of
conversation from protected sex.

“Don’t bring something for me,” I told him.

But when he came back, he brought home an iPhone 4. I was so glad because I told
him that was my ‘dream phone.’

However, with this beautiful gift is the anxiety of becoming infected with his disease. I
don’t know what to do if I undergo a medical exam and the results are positive.

I didn’t know any of his affairs in Dubai but I suspect that’s the reason why he’s sick
today.
“Have you checked your blood?” He asked me.

I shook my head. Busy playing Angry Birds on the iPhone. After the commercial, I went
back to the TV to watch the protests of the Bahraini against the regime of Al-Khalifa and
its unfair treatment to Shi’a Muslims.

“So when?” He asked again.

“Inshallah, tomorrow,” I replied while my eyes were glued to the screen on the live
coverage of the protests at Pearl Square.

There were rumors that Saudis will hold demonstrations against their government. Civil
unrest has been spreading out all over the Middle East. Like an epidemic. Yet, before
the outbreak, the king bribed money to silence the whole Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

“You need money for medical check-up?”

Before I could nod, he handed me a thousand riyals.

Notes:

Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah boosted spending on housing by 40 billion riyals ($10.7 billion),
and earmarked more funds for education and social welfare amid popular uprisings
sweeping the Arab world. The social security budget was raised by 1 billion riyals, according
to a statement read on state-run television. King Abdullah also ordered the creation of 1,200
jobs in supervision programs and made permanent a 15 percent cost-of-living allowance for
government employees, according to the statement. Excerpt from www.bloomberg.com.